Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Live From SF Sketchfest [Bonus]

Episode Date: March 30, 2023

To close out MaxFun drive, here's a very special live episode of Jordan Jesse Go!  from SF Sketchfest. We were thrilled to have Kevin McDonald, La Doña, Mary Roach, and Jalisa Robinson. If you close your eyes, it'll feel like you were right there with us. Unless, of course, you were - in which case, thanks for listening again!Make sure to support this great network by heading on over to maximumfun.org/join

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. A Jordan Morris boy detective. We have a special episode of Jordan Jesse Goh recorded live at San Francisco Sketch Fest for you this week. We are trying to cram this MaxFunDrive full of content because this is the two weeks a year, actually, Jordan, a little less than two weeks a year, when we ask you to support Jordan and Jessica. Yeah, here's the deal. Our show and all the other

shows on Maximum Fun are supported by listeners. Most of the cost of making these podcasts comes from the listeners. They go to MaximumFun.org slash join, they subscribe, and then the shows keep on a coming. Jordan, people ask me a lot how Maximum Fun works, like where their money goes to. So I'm going to break it down real quick before we get into this episode. Okay. So when you join Maximum Fun, you agree to pay five, 10, $20 a month, whatever level is comfortable for you. You get access to prizes and bonus content and good vibes. You know that you're paying for something you care about, right? So when you join, you tell MaxFun what shows you listen to. It might be just Jordan, Jesse Go. It might be 15 MaxFun shows or 30

at this point. Your money gets split evenly among the shows that you listen to. That means MaxFun doesn't decide where your money goes. You decide where your money goes based on your listening. Very simple formula. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. 70% of the money goes directly to the shows you listen to. 30% of the money goes to supporting them. That means all the business and hosting infrastructure that makes the shows possible and lets your favorite podcasters like me and Jordan focus on making great shows. It is a simple, transparent process.

And now Maximum Fund itself is a worker-owned co-op, which means that if Maximum Fund makes money, our workers make money. So these are creator-owned shows being distributed by a worker-owned company. You can feel really good about becoming a member of Maximum Fun. Yeah, it is really nice to be making something for the listeners and for a company that's, you know, not owned by an evil VC firm. Yeah, not owned by an evil VC firm in 2023 that is laying off employees and canceling shows like all the networks that are owned by evil VC firms now. Yeah, I don't know if you've noticed some of your favorite podcasts on other networks going away because of, you know.

Machinations? Yeah, machinations. That's a good way to put it. But the way MaxFun does business is so cool. The money goes to the shows. The money goes to the people who make the shows. And yeah, not to some weird, nebulous slush fund and monkey gifs. And really, really nice to work for a company that has good values and that supports the creators. So I love making a show for MaxFun and hopefully y'all love listening to shows made by MaxFun, MaximumFun.org slash join. At the end of the day, though, I want to be clear. Brian is willing to make monkey gifs for you.

If you need a Jordan Jesse, go monkey gif. If you want a monkey gif, somebody can whip one up. It's kind of 2022, but like we're willing to do it. You know what I mean? Like, it's not like we're going to stand in the way of you getting a monkey GIF. The point is that what you're really paying for is the programming you love. Anyway, let's get to the stage of SketchFest, but we hope that you will get out your phone or sit down at your computer and go to MaximumFun.org slash join, because that's what makes this possible. Here's San Francisco Sketch Fest and Jordan Jessico. Welcome to Jordan Jessico. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, detective.

Oh, I'm so excited to be here, Jordan. So excited. Love a pop for the nicknames. Oh, yeah. Look, I love applause for anything, because if they don't applaud, then I'm a failure at life. I'm excited to be here, both because I'm from San Francisco and because for the purposes of this show, I got to go to the Japanese dollar store. So it's pretty kick ass. Are some Japanese

bargains coming out later in the show? Oh, big time, baby. Why write jokes when you just pull shit out of a bag to delight the audience here and to baffle the audience listening to it. Exactly. I've been on tour with with Hodgman. Yes. And been having a grand old time. I had a very serious backache in Portland, Oregon. So I like looked around to try and find... Backache in Portland is a great hold steady song. I have this backache. So I was like looking for a place to get a massage. And there was like a card in my hotel room. That sounds like it was for a prostitute, but it wasn't.

I'll be the judge of that. What did this card say? Um, it was for, I'll be the judge of that. Okay. What did this card say? It was like for like a bougie place where you go into different water pool. It was a bath house. Again, that sounds like it was a bath house and I called, they were able to get me an appointment. And then once I got an appointment, they were like, well, you have to bring your own swim trunks. And I did not have swim trunks on there. Look, I don't go to the Verdugo Aquatic Center like you. I didn't have swim trunks with me on the road, but I remembered that my wife's cousin, Sarah, lives there,

and she's married, so I thought, well, maybe I can borrow my wife's cousin's husband's swim trunks. At no point did you think, I'll go to Target. Well, why would I go to Target when my wife's cousin's husband lives right there? Sure. Okay, whatever. Why would I go to Target when I can drape my balls in the same mesh? Something someone famously wears with no underwear.

That Zach wore them with. Marshalls. Do they have Marshalls in Portland? So I texted Sarah, my wife's cousin, and I said, hey, does Zach have any swim trunks that I can borrow? And this is what she texted back to me. Wow. Okay. For the folks at home, what we are looking at are Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon themed board shorts.

What does the engraving say? It says the Dark Side of the Moon. Okay. Now, is that talking about the butt? Yeah. 100%. That's funny. 100%. I think that talks about the butt. I have some Led Zeppelin

board shorts that have an arrow down, and it just says, this way to the misty mountain. Pretty good Led Zeppelin pun, Paul Jordan. Thank you. And I was like, well, now I have to do it. Like, why go to Target now? Right.

You know what I mean? And so I just wanted to share with the audience something really special, which is this. All right. What we are looking at for the folks at home is, I'd call it a thirst trap of Jesse sporting these beautiful boardies. That's really good. Did you

think about sparking a J and going to a laser light show at an observatory? Yeah, exactly. I was pretty pumped about doing this. As soon as I got the message, I was like, this is fucking great. I'm definitely on board for wearing Zach's dark side of the moon trunks and then I

got to the place I realized I had to like smuggle my phone into a changing room if I wanted to take a picture of myself and I've also knew that if I didn't take a picture of myself my wife would probably never sleep with me again so this is encouraging your wife to sleep with you? Just wanted to be clear. And again, I don't know what you guys have. For the folks at home, Jesse is making little stinker eyebrows.

My wife is primarily horny for dudes who are in their freshman year of college and just started smoking weed. Right. But what happened is... The age range for these board shorts, it seems like it... So up to 22, and then it seemed... I think it would stop until

55. Yeah, I think that is exactly correct. That no one between those ages would have them. So I got out into these. Then I realized, once I had taken this fucking hot-ass picture, and I was- A self-creep shot. Yeah. I knew, I'm like, oh, when I get home from tour, I'm totally getting laid, because all I got to do is text this picture to my wife, and it's on. Then I went out into the place and realized I had to wear them with the other

people there. And so I'm like getting into these pools with these beautiful Portland hipsters, just every color, every beard of beautiful Portland hipsters. And I just wanted to, Portland hipsters. And I just wanted to, I guess, melt into a puddle of shame, like really couldn't deal with it. And at one point, there was this woman sitting across from me in the hot tub. And I'm thinking, gosh, look at this beautiful woman. I hope she doesn't see my dark side of the moon swim trunksunks because I was consumed by shame. And that's when this big, handsome, I'm going to say like youth pastor-y hipster guy came. He looked a little bit like our handsome friend John Gabrus

with like a hipster beard and a lot of tattoos of crosses. Okay. Very handsome dude. He sat down to this next to this pretty lady. And I had been like, all you can do, like all when you are wearing dark side of the moon swim trunks at a bath house and you have a beard and a ridiculous mustache,

all of your energy is dedicated towards not creeping out others. Like it is like all you have to focus so hard on not making eye contact with anyone, like not doing anything that may would make it seem like you're jacking off like anything at all. And this guy's like certitude sitting down next to this woman immediately destroyed me like this fucking guy. And this is what he said. He said, excuse me, can I ask you a question? She said, yeah. And he goes, what's this all about?

And she says, well, she says, well, I'm just on a layover or she's oh, my my plane to Dallas got delayed. And so I just looked up a place to hang out and this seemed nice. And I guess it's something about when you go in the cold water and then the hot water in the cold water and then the hot water, it's good for your heart or something like that. the hot water. It's good for your heart or something like that. And then he said, and again, I'm reading direct, like I, I literally ran through the bathhouse with a towel on my hand so I could get to my locker to write this down verbatim. He said, this is the sec again, the second thing he said to this woman, they don't know each other. They don't know each other at all. Second time, all time. He has spoken to her a sentence. The second sentence he said to this woman. They don't know each other. They don't know each other at all. Second time, all time, he has spoken to her a sentence.

The second sentence he said was no. I mean, it's like when you're going through a life thing and you're like, um, what's this all about? He was asking her the meaning of life.

Jesse, it's simple. You just you just, you know, find someone to love. You create a family and then you get into hot water and then cold water and you get into hot water and then he says he says so bold. He says I love Dallas, which like a lot of people live in Dallas

and they love their families and stuff, but he says I love Dallas. I fucking love Dallas. He goes. I love all of Texas. What about Galveston? Have you ever been to Galveston and she's like yeah, I mean I've been to Galveston. He's like, I love Galveston. I love the water. Oh, I love Galveston. She's like, yeah, you know, my family would go on vacation to the, you know, and he goes, yeah. And he looks up at this guy, kind of like big barrel chested, handsome man, very hairy. And he goes, yeah, handsome man, very hairy. And he goes, yeah, Dave Matthews Band. And he pauses for way too long. Like he just lets it hang out there like DMV. He's just looking at it in his mind's eye. You know what I mean? And he goes, yeah, Texas, Dave Matthews Band. they'll tour, you know, Dallas, Austin, Galveston.

So I'm over there for a few weeks, about once a year. Wow. He's following, not only is he following Dave Matthews band on tour, presuming that he has a job, which he seemed like a man with a job. Presuming he has a job, he takes his two weeks of vacation every year to follow them through Texas.

He could follow them to New York and Washington, D.C. He could follow them to Atlanta. She gets crazy at the Beaumont shows. She gets crazy. The parking lot parties. I'm surprised they let Dave Matthews band play Portland. Yeah. Do they have to disguise themselves as the arcade fire?

We're here arcade fire trick. Yeah. Anyway, just the whole experience reminded me of what a pathetic pile of shit I am because I could never even begin to

ask someone the meaning of life, much less a pretty lady, much less in the first sentence I had ever said to her. Do you want to pick somebody out here and ask them the meaning of life? Just practice. What about this guy in the front row? Yeah, I like this guy. A4 eyes. Okay, so here's... Okay, great.

So you've already fucked up. You're doing classic bully shit to a nerd. This is why you'll never learn about this. Okay, hey, what does it all mean? Let me know or I'll give you a fucking swirl. Jesse. Yeah, great job. Thank you very much. What's going on with you, dude? Yeah, so I am really enjoying Sketchfest. This is my second show today. By the way, Jordan,

this whole time that this story is running, I'm just going to be up here in my swim trunks because there's not another slide in between this picture and our next thing that we're doing on the show. Oh, I'm getting a call from the fire marshal. Apparently we all have to leave

because it's too horny in here. Okay, go ahead, Jordan. I'm on the phone. So yeah, this is my second show of the day. I was in here earlier doing the Weed and Grub podcast. Love the Weed and Grub podcast. We hung out a little backstage, so I just want to suggest

maybe we change the format and we just take the screen back here and throw up a couple episodes of Bob's Burgers. What do you guys think? Yeah. That sound like a more fun show? No, but it was really interesting.

We were hanging out backstage, and obviously they have really crazy loyal fans, and Mike, one of the hosts, comes backstage holding this bundle, and he has what I would call a sack full of magic mushrooms that one of his fans brought and he's like he's like a fan just gave me this

sack of magic mushrooms and he's like podcasting's great huh and then I I was like yeah I mean it's really. One time a fan gave me a steampunk-themed fidget spinner. What makes a fidget spinner a steampunk, you might ask? Yeah. It had gears. Let me ask you this, Jordan. What makes a fidget spinner steampunk? Great.

Thank you for asking. It was made of brass. It had some gear patterns. And it was polyamorous. You want to bring out our first guest? Yeah, let's bring out our first guest. Maybe you've heard of this guy from a comedy group called The Kids in the Hall. Or maybe you have a neurodivergent child who's obsessed with the movie Epic Movie,

in which he plays Harry Potter. Please welcome to the stage Kevin MacDonald. Am I supposed to sit on the mic? Take a seat. Kevin, you do whatever the fuck you want, baby. I'll hold it. Thank you. Pink Floyd would have wanted it that way. If you sit on the mic, Kevin, just make sure the

cord stays attached, because we don't want to lose it.. If you sit on the mic, Kevin, just make sure the cord stays attached because we don't want to lose it. I won't sit on the mic. Well, I may later, but I'm not going to now. Kevin, when you meet super fans, do they bring you anything? Do you get stuff to sign? Do they want to give you gifts? What happens when a Kevin McDonald super fan materializes in the wild? Once in the West Edmonton Mall.

You don't know that you're Americans. No, they're at West Edmonton Mall, you don't know that you're Americans. No, they're at West Edmonton Mall. You're a Canadian in New Brunswick, yes. It's got a great Tim Hortons, probably. Yes. Right? Lot of donuts. I'm getting the Canadian thumbs up.

Great Hold Steady song. I was filming something, Who Cares? And then a guy came out. They were actually young. It was a brother and sister. They were kind of gothic-ish, which is fine. And then he said, I think you'd appreciate this. They were big Kids in the Hall fans.

And he took out his glass eye and gave it to me. And I just stared at it. And he said, no, no, hold it. And I looked at him with fear. I said, really? I want to be clear, we did not segment produce this story. No, no. You had no idea.

They assume the kids and I see you're a lot of young people of 40. You probably don't know who the kids in all are. We're sort of known as weird and I guess they just assumed that I would love to hold a gladiator, like I would put it in my mouth or something like that. And so I looked at him with fear,

and he said, no, no, hold it. So I had to pretend that I didn't mind, and I held it, and I said, oh, thank you very much. Take it back. You'll need this. Ha, ha, ha. And that's my weirdest story

that anyone ever heard. Wow. They think we're weird. Yeah, we were on tour and we got backstage. Someone sent us a jar of cow poo. Oh, that's really sweet. And this was probably before DoorDash where you could just... Yes.

Yeah, they did it themselves. They went, they picked up the jar, and they mailed it or something. A cow poo. Cow poo and glass eyes. Right. Well, congratulations on a successful career, Kevin. Thank you very much. Kevin's backstage rider was very weird, but we were able to fill it.

Well, this is, okay, so this is an Oops All Games episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go. We're going to get into some games in just a minute. But it is also a food episode of Jordan, Jesse go. I know God knows that I went out and fucking destroyed a super burrito at lunchtime today. It is within my body right now. It is currently 60 percent of my body weight. it is currently 60% of my body weight. And Kevin, I wonder if you have any like, do you have any strong, perhaps as a Canadian, any strong food perspectives that might surprise us? None. But let me think.

Again, we didn't segment produce this. I'm not trying to laugh on a one-syllable answer. I'm a stupid vegetarian, and I'm vegan-ish. I have to have chip-in chip-dip at the Super Bowl, so I'm vegan-ish. That's your one exception? That's my one exception. Well, you've got to have the ruffled onion dip.

How many layers do you allow yourself when you're getting naughty? I allow myself sometimes seven, but that's like once every eight years. Right. Seven layers, eight years. Like when the cicadas come? Yes. Exactly, exactly. So I forget the original question, but I'm a stupid vegetarian, vegan-ish vegetarian.

How do you eat when you're on the road? I just eat badly. Like today, all I've had is potato chips. And oh, I said, oh, like it was going to be exciting. It's actually more boring. I set you up for something exciting. Oh, I bring a travel blender with me. Wow.

Wait, hold on. Now this is exciting. Now I got to tell you this, Kevin. I was once on this stage with your colleague, Bruce McCullough, when I was working for San Francisco Sketch Fest many years ago. He was doing a one-man show here, and it was my job. He had a blender on stage, and it was my job to bring him a Wendy's Biggie meal, which he put into the blender and drank.

Oh, my God. I'm saying, oh, my God, because isn't that a copy of a Dan Aykroyd sketch? Maybe so. God, I fucking hate Bruce McCullough. Bruce, I'm going to phone him about that. Get an idea. Yeah, the other kids at home make fun of me because when we're on the tour bus,

I get my blender and I get my bananas and I get my orange juice and I get my raw chocolate. Raw chocolate. I get my hemp hearts and my goji berries. Are you concerned about chocolate salmonella? yes, I put my salmonella in and then I have my smoothie

and it's sort of quite filling and there you go I love it you know what I love? Bruce McCullough's crystal head vodka Jordan, you want to play a game? I would love to play a game I'm sorry I'm bad at games. Kevin, hey, this is all

total bullshit. None of it matters. You dopes paid to see this. But don't stress. You're going to have a great time. And yeah, it'll be fun. Kevin doesn't love a game. Kevin doesn't love a game.

I said that to him right away. I panicked. I said, what are we doing? He said,'t love a game. I said that too. Right away I panicked. He said, what are we doing? He said, games. And right away I said, I hate games. Which made me seem like an arrogant old guy. And I am an arrogant old guy, but that's a coincidence. But I really mean to say was I'm not good at games. So they make me nervous. I wrote this game specifically

for you. So I think you're going to have a lot of fun with this. Is it multiple choice? You've got a leg up. Yeah. This game is called E40 Lyric Fast Food Menu Item or Some Shit We Made Up. E40, of course, is a Bay Area legend, and few rappers have given us more memorable slang terms and colorful turns of phrase. He's also an entrepreneur in the food field. His Goon with the Spoon brand

is probably the only crack cocaine-themed ice cream product sold at Walmart. He is even, quite notably, a fast food franchisee as the owner of both a Wingstop and a Fatburger here in the San Francisco Bay Area. Now, we call this quiz e40 lyric fast food menu item or some shit we made up aka the politician or a high volume kitchen aka the ambassador of the yay or a mcdonald's fish filet aka mr flamboyant or what low wage employment low-wage employment, a.k.a. Sprinkles Me Maine, a.k.a. Flea Flickin' and Finger Lickin', a.k.a. Cheeto Duskid and Disgusted,

a.k.a. Forty Water Tater Totter, a.k.a. Vallejo Wild Wings, a.k.a. Long John Skrillas, a.k.a. The Gift of Crab, a.k.a. Northern California Pizza Kitchen, a.k.a. Loyal to My London Broil, a.k.a. Tell Me Pizza Kitchen, a.k.a. Loyal to My London Broil, a.k.a. Tell Me When to Go and When for Here, a.k.a. Quarterbackin' and Patty Stackin',

a.k.a. I Got Fries on It, Bay Bala's Remix, a.k.a. Broastin' and Flambostin'. I really like that one, Broastin' and Flambostin'. It's Kenny Rogers' chicken because of the bro-sting. Jesse, Kevin has to play against someone, though, right? He can't just, you know, play solo. Yeah, well, we... Here's the thing, Kevin.

Obviously, we wrote this quiz for you just because we wanted to make you look good. Sorry. You're kind of a ringer here just because of your expertise on the subject. We thought we would bring in... We thought we'd bring in somebody for you to knock around in the game. Let's bring to the stage San Francisco born and bred singer, trumpeter, and rapper La Doña. Welcome to the stage, LaDonya.

Thank you. We're thrilled to have you here, and thank you for wearing San Francisco-themed clothing, just like we requested, and jewelry. I didn't actually read that email, but to be expected. Jordan, did you know that I'm from San Francisco? Yep. So she.

That's all I got. That's great. So actually, so the other part of this quiz, in addition to hip hop lyrics, is fast food. LaDonia, do you have a fast food you're partial to, something you like to get on tour, that kind of thing? Well, I've never eaten fast food before. In your entire life?

I've never had McDonald's. I've never had Taco Bell. I've never. Yeah, I was raised vegan, vegetarian as well. My mom was macrobiotic, hippie, San Francisco. Oh, my gosh. So, yeah, I didn't ever eat fast food. And so similarly, when I'm on the road, I can only eat trail mix. Yeah. Yes. Trail mix or like some seaweed snacks. Have you thought about a travel blender? You see, I give, you're healthy. I give in and I do, when I'm

on the road, I go to Taco Bell because that's the one place I can sort of eat. So you're healthy. I'm sorry. I'm starving. No. You're a healthy starving person. Someone bring us a handful of almonds, please. I'm sorry. I'm starving. No. You're a healthy starving person. Someone bring us a handful of almonds, please. I bet 90% of the people here have a handful of almonds with them.

Actually, let's do a poll. Who here has a handful of almonds? My kind of crowd. Yeah, there's at least a few out here. I saw some hands go up. La Doña, as a San Franciscan, as a sometime rapper, what's your relationship with the politician E-40? Oh, I love E-40. Yeah, you're right.

Of course. That's uncle. That's Tio 40 to me. That's the guy. That's the man. Jesse, you want to do the first question here on the quiz? Yeah, let's get into it. Kevin, I'm going to start with you.

Remember the quiz is identifying which of these is an E40 lyric, which of these is a fast food menu item, and which of these is some shit we made up. First off, we have cheesy roll-up, chunky cheddar chompa, or real gouda getta. Those are your choices. Cheesy roll-up, chunky cheddar chompa, and real gouda getta. Those are your choices. Cheesy Roll-Up, Chunky Cheddar Chompa, and Real Gouda Getter.

One of these is an E-40 lyric. One of these is a real fast food menu item, and one of these is some shit we made up. Can you repeat it nine times? Yeah. Cheesy Roll-Up, Chunky Cheddar Chompa, and Real Gouda Getter. Well, Real Gouda getter

is the rap lyric. Absolutely correct. Now, which is the fast food menu item? No helping from the audience. And be sure to go quiet before you answer. I always say cheesy roll-up is too obvious. It's too obvious. Because I don't think it's chunky cheddar champa.

So I'm going to say chunky cheddar champa. No, Kevin, I'm sorry. The cheesy roll-up is the menu item. You'll see it projected behind you. What is that? So go obvious. All right, I'll go obvious. I'll go obvious from now on.

I think that's kind of the demographic. No offense to the fast food eaters. Gen X Canadians fucking love E40. Kevin, you got one point. The E40 lyric, national D-boy, solo representer, hustle all summer, grind all winter, never been a quitter, money motivator, real gooda getter.

One of E40's main things is thinking of new types of cheese to use to describe money. Fucking great. God bless him. Lidonia, this is for you. Yes, let's do it. Your three choices are slurricane ethyl,

silly billy red bean chili, or frappula. Let's start with the rap lyric. What's the rap lyric? And again, be sure to go quiet before you answer. I mean... Talk it out. This is important.

It's important that you get this right. Frappula. I mean, I'm obviously familiar with Slurcane, but Slurcane Ethel, that must have been later years, if that's a thing. I don't know. You're overthinking it. What? You're overthinking it.

La Doña. La Doña. I'm overthinking it? Oh, okay. I would say Frappula is the lyric. No? And then which is our real fast food menu item?

I think Silly Billy Red Bean Chili. Wow, you got zero correct. Zero correct. You know, as E40 says, you know me, the life of the party slurricane Ethel. Too much of me will make you fight your folks and Dr. Jekyll.

Good lyrics. Nobody tell him, please. Yeah, there's a reason the man's a legend. Our real fast food menu item is the Frappula, a Dracula-themed frappe available at Starbucks. This is what my mom gets for raising me anti-capitalist. Yep. Yeah, you do bad at a podcast quiz.

She really fucked up. I want a word with her. Okay, back to you now, Kevin. Sorry. You're leading You're leading approximately one to nothing. I don't have a pen.

Your choices are floppy and sloppy, triple lupa, or mannish sandwich. Floppy and sloppy, triple lupa, or mannish sandwich. And what's first? The rap lyric? Let's start with the rap lyric.

I'm going to go with more obvious this time, which means I'll be wrong. I would say, because it rhymes, and I believe rap rhymes. I'm an old man from Canada, but I would say rap rhymes. So I will go with the only thing that rhymes.

No, two things rhyme, Kevin. Two things rhyme. Two things rhyme. Well, isn't that what a rhyme is? Wow, that's a really good point, LeVon. Right, right, yeah. Two words rhyme. Isn't that what a rhyme is? Wow, that's a really good point, LeVon. Right, right, yeah. Two words rhyme. God, I'm so glad I'm still stoned from the Weed and Grub show.

I'm loving this. But one of them seems more like actual food, so I'm going to go with floppy and sloppy. Is the rap lyric. Is the rap lyric. And which would be the fast food menu item? I'm going to say Manish Sammich. No, you are wrong.

Yes, zero correct. We're wrong on all counts. Zero! Zero correct. Thank God. Our E40 lyric, Sammich, Manish, me and my Hispanics vanish talking in codes like we from different planets.

And our real fast food menu item is the triple lupa, which is three chalupas creepily grafted together. Kind of a human centipede situation. They look like they're eating

each other's shit. Of chalupas. A human centipede of chalupas. But the good news is you're still winning one to nothing. Yes.

Don't you? This is for you. You'll be winning this one, I promise. No. Your options are Whopperito, Super Salad, Stanker Grande. Talk it out. Whopperito, Super Salad, Super Salad or Stanker? Stanker Grande.

Stanker Grande. super solid, super solid or stinker. Stinker grande. Stinker grande. So grande is Spanish for large and then stanker means something that has stank. Stinky. Something stinky. Something with stank. I would say the stinker grande is the rap lyric and the waperito is

the food item. You got one right. The waperito, of course, is... Jesse, do you have a description of the Whopperito? Yeah, fucking nasty. Whopperito is a Whopper inside a tortilla

instead of being between tasty soft buns. The E40 lyric is, I ain't soup and salad I'm super salad super solid got more homies in prison than I do in college

zoom zooms and wham wams wham wams and zoom zooms every other week I'm in the visiting room reminds one of a young Bob Dylan but do you have a photo of the stinker grande so some of these are just fake things Bob Dylan. Yeah. But do you have a photo of the Stinker Grande?

So some of these are just fake things. Let me print it from my mind. Right. Actually, Jesse, just put up that photo of you in the swim trunks again. That's the Stinker Grande. Okay, so now it's... Kevin, this one's for you. Yeah, let's say it's tied one-to-one, because it might be.

Kevin... Again, no pens. Yeah. Kevin, here are your choices. Moolah Chalupa, Monster Thickburger, or Sweet Saucy Splasher? Sweet Saucy Splasher. That is also, by the way,

let's just put up that picture of me in those. Sure, yeah. Monster Thickburger, a lot of these could apply. So let's start with the rap lyric. Which do you think is the rap lyric, Kevin? The rap lyric is well, I'm old.

I remember Led Zeppelin. Good, so you're on your way. So I'm on my way. But still, I believe the occasional rap artist raps about money. It's true. Some do. E-40 certainly does. I'm trying to think of clues. I'm going to go with

Moolah Chapula. Chalupa. Okay, sure. Oh, is it bad that I'm going to pick another one? No, I'm kidding. Moolah Chalupa. Okay, and which do you think is the real fast food menu item? Well, it's got to be the Monster Thickburger. Oh, wow. Three out of three.

Three right. Three out of three. Sorry. Patrick. Patrick. This is how they get you. You go on stage and you're like, I'm so bad at games, guys. He's a hustler.

To be fair, both of you are bad at this game. Here's our Monster Thick Burger. Mmm, looks good. It doesn't look good. It looks horrible. The Monster Thick Burger was from Carl's Jr. Hardee's. Two-thirds of a pound of beef, four strips of bacon, three slices of American cheese, plus mayonnaise.

And our E-40 lyric is, I got moolah, chalupa, bust your medulla, never fuck with an N word that got that gouda. Because this guy, E40, this guy's loaded. Every type of cheese.

Every type of cheese. This one's for you. Your options are toasty, tasty, trough treat, double down dog, bag full of broccoli. Talk it out. Rap lyric, bag full of broccoli. Okay.

AKA me at the farmer's market every Saturday. And I would say... And you with the homies every Saturday night too. That too. Yeah. Toasty, tasty, trough treat. I think it has to be some weird southern thing.

You got one right. Bag full of broccoli is the rap lyric. Toasty, tasty, trough treat is some shit we've made up.

Uh, and the real menu item is the double down dog. The double down dog. Kentucky fried chicken's answer to the hot dog for those who thought hot dogs should have fried chicken

instead of buns. Our E-40 lyric is, got me a bag full of broccoli and a crooked eyes 22. I feel great. I'm mean muggin, but I feel great. And you know what? E-40's never mean muggin. That guy is one of the most genial guys in all of rap

music. He has a gun and broccoli? Yeah, well, broccoli is... A violent vegetable. You got to keep the broccoli in line. Kevin, broccoli is a name for drugs. I'm sorry, I'm old. Recreational drugs. Sorry, sorry, I'm old.

Recreational drugs. So the main two things that E-40 does as a rap artist, he does many wonderful things. One of the all-time greats. But one of the top things he does is think of different types of cheese to use to describe money. And then the other one is different types of vegetables to

describe marijuana. Well, that makes sense. Procter & Gamble marijuana. Yeah, I can see it. Yeah, I can see it. He also has an alcoholic beverage empire. I mean, we're talking about slurricanes. We're talking about Iquarenta tequila. Is anybody drunk on slurricanes in the audience?

I know Ben Harrison's here. That guy's hammered on slurricanes. I had a nice white wine. Thank you. Someone at the back. I like Chablis. This is the last question. Kevin, you've already run away with it.

This one, no. This one's for all the marbles. If he doesn't get any of these right, then LaDonia wins one. Oh, that's right. I hear it. Why the fuck not? This is the one where they take away your points.

Why the fuck not? Kevin, your options are Hubba Rocks, Kit Kat Chocodilla, Loaf McBread. Fox, Kit Kat, Chocodilla, Loaf McBread. Talk it out. The rap song is...

Well, part of me wants to go with Hubba Rocks. Part of me wants to say Loaf McBread just because it's a lot of bread. I'm going to go with loaf of McBread. As the rap lyric? As the rap lyric. And what's your fast food menu item? Kit Kat Chocodilla. You got one right.

The Kit Kat Chocodilla is a menu item, which I guess is a Kit Kat melted in a tortilla? Taco Bell, this is the kind of shit they do. This is sort of what they do. The real rap lyric is, Hubba Rocks, really a good dude, but he can get true from the school of Hubba Rocks and Lifesavers up in his socks, sprinting and running from the cops.

You know what I say? I say fucking LaDonia's the winner. Why not? Kevin got to go last. We're all the winners. All of us. Because we had fun. Is that a bag of broccoli for me?

Yes. LaDonya, as champion on this week's program, you get this melty blend, fruity strawberry, chocolate flavored confectionary that I got at the Japanese dollar store. Congratulations to LaDonya. Thank you. Kevin, don't worry.

You're not going to go home empty-handed. Thank Christ. Yeah, because as our consolation prize, you are receiving this portable etiquette bag in case you're a little baby who had too much beer to drink and needs something to barf into. In a way, I am.

Jesse is describing the packaging. I think you could probably also shit in it, but you're going to want to read the directions. Kevin MacDonald, one of the stars of The Kids in the Hall. The new season of The Kids in the Hall is on Amazon Prime. It's so fucking funny. They fucking absolutely still have it. Let's hear it for Kevin McDonald.

Thank you. Should I go? Please. No, get out of here. LaDonya, recording artist, go type her shit into YouTube or into your Spotify because it fucking goes so hard. I was telling her backstage,

I'm absolutely a fucking stan for LaDonya. Her records are so fucking hot. So go check that shit out. And then pretty soon you'll be like me and my wife quoting her rap lyric about a boy that she met on vacation in Puerto Rico, which is he asked her to marry him. And she goes, I'm here on vacation. I'm here for a week. I'm never getting married. What the fuck did you think?

There you go. Thank you so much. It's Jordan, Jesse go. We are cutting into this live episode from the studio because it's max fun drive time. And we hope that if you enjoy our program, you will go to maximum fun.org slash join. Yeah. Your money keeps the shows going, but also it gets you over 500 hours of bonus content,

including our Burt Reynolds miniseries, Stash Rules Everything Around Me, a deep dive into six of Burt Reynolds' sweatiest, drunkest, most phoned-innest movies. And, Jordan, last year's Burt Reynolds episode about Malone yeah we we've done this a couple of times and uh we we had so much fun uh watching these weirdo Burt Reynolds movies in the past we wanted to do a whole mini series dedicated to them our producer Daniel Zafran came aboard and made it all happen and yeah that's a good example of someone your Maximum Fun membership supports. So yeah, we hope you like this app. We hope you like

the 500 hours of bonus content you'll be getting if you join, including a lot of other weird, weird, fun, fun Jordan Jesse Go stuff. But yeah, enjoy the rest of this episode from San Francisco Sketch Fest. Maximumfun.org slash join. Jesse, do you want to bring out two more great guests? Oh God, I would love to bring out two more great guests. Do you know her as a best-selling non-fiction author, the author of, among other things, a book about the elementary

canal, Mary Roach. Here she is. And she's a stand-up comic right here in the san francisco bay area the producer of the cheaper than therapy stand-up show a hilarious stand-up show here in the city i've been to it it's so fucking funny a semi-finalist in the san francisco comedy competition jaleesa Robinson. Please welcome Jaleesa. Thank you. Now, Mary, you wrote a book about the elementary canal called Gulp. Fucking tremendous book. I really loved it.

And you learned all about everything from food to poops. And one of the things that you did was taste test olive oils. There are like super eaters who taste test olive oils. First of all, why do they do that? It is similar to the whole wine tasting thing. It's a thing that they do up in Sonoma and Napa. And the thing with olive oil in this country is that we're known to be olive oil idiots and they export all their shit olive oil here because we can't tell. And I can vouch for that because I was on an olive oil taste. I tried out to be an olive oil taste tester, you know, like a sommelier for olive oil. And they're like important because chemical detection equipment can't tell whether olive oil is off or not.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. They're kind of like forensic olive oil people. They can tell if there's sludge in the bottom of your holding tank. By the way, we just sold the CBS procedural. CSI olive oil. CSI olive oil. Yeah, exactly. No, they've got highly trained noses, those people. CSI olive oil CSI olive oil yeah exactly they've got highly trained noses

those people yeah how did it go when you tried out to be one it was humiliating there was one that I was like wow this would be good I'd get me some bread and they're like that's rancid so yeah I didn't make the first cut, even.

Hey, I hear the new hot shit is eating rancid food. Jaleesa, you're from St. Louis. What kind of nasty shit do they eat there? Honestly, there is a flat pizza that everyone who eats it hates, who's not from there. I feel like some people, like, we have talked to our friend Dave Holmes, who is from St. Louis, about this pizza, and I

think he hates the pizza. Yeah, it's like a thin crust pizza. It's called St. Louis style pizza, and it has a cheese called Provel, which is something we made up. And people go there and they eat it. You gotta have it rancid though eat it gotta have it rancid though you

gotta have it rancid if it's fresh we were talking backstage about food pet peeves and you both share a hatred of the viscous yeah yeah yeah yeah the hatred of the viscous you know if you make okra wrong, which I do, would, it has the okra snot. The little stringy thing that connects the, yeah, you know, that. Or like eggs. I like the yolk to be runny, but not the white of the egg. That's gross. Egg snot.

The egg snot. Jordan, you're on record as being a real texture head. How do you feel about the viscous? I love the viscous. No, you don't. I do. You know what I think? I was thinking about textures, as I often do.

You know what I think is the greatest texture food of all time? Scratchy. That cloud looks like bubble wrap. What's the all-time greatest texture food of all time? Scratchy. That cloud looks like bubble wrap. What's the all-time greatest texture food? First of all, let's hold, because I want to hear what our guests think. Mary, what's your number one all-time texture food?

Texture that I like? Yeah. I like the crunchy salty. Crunchy salty, like a potato chip, right? Exactly. A classic food texture. Julissa, what's your top food texture I'm going to go with the same

You absolutely have to pick a different one We're trying to put on a show here I feel like I do like A medium rare steak That's a great choice I'm going to go with Cotton candy I don't even like Cotton candy but I love

The way that it disappears inside your mouth. You're all wrong. The greatest texture of all time. We're not taking it to our own taste. This is purely texture.

The Jell-O Jiggler. Okay, you're right. Wait. Absolutely. I'm in. Jell-O Jiggler. What's a Jell-O Jiggler? It's like a thicker Jell-O

that mommy cuts into little shapes. When you've been good. When you've done your homework and applied to college, mother cuts them into little men and you slurp them up and ooh, they taste so good in your mouth and you know you've been a good boy. I feel like this is not about texture.

Yeah, I guess I'm working some shit out. Jordan, you've gone to Pornhub and typed in Jello Jiggler, haven't you? Jello Jiggler, by the way, probably the most canceled food texture. Okay, you want to get into this quiz, Jordan? Yeah, let's do it. Actually, I will be playing in this quiz as well. Yeah. Jesse, what can you tell us?

I can tell you this. We have sent our producer, Daniel, to various grocery stores in the San Francisco Bay Area to find the most ridiculous baby foods he can find. I'm going to pass to each of you one of these adorable kitty cat blindfolds. That's for you, Jalisa. You're going to be that tan kitty cat.

Jordan, you're going to be that little pinky. And Mary, you're going to be half tan and half pink. Isn't that cute? I'm going to ask you to put on those blindfolds. And our producer, Daniel, is going to bring out some baby foods. Now, I want to be clear. I know what we were talking about earlier. And I think this is someone's porn search history.

Podcaster, cat mask. Jordan Morris, Lil Pinky. Jordan Morris, cat mask, slurps up Jiggler. Okay, so Daniel, you want to bring out these baby foods for us? Let's hear it for our producer, Daniel Zafran. And a pile of baby foods. Okay, here's our first baby food, Mary. They're being put into your hands here.

We have not poisoned them as far as I know. Now, I also should mention, Daniel, can you get some paper towels? Because we do not have spoons you're just going to be slurping them straight out the jars this is a slurping quiz folks this is a slurping quiz so I'm going to ask you to open your jars

and start slurping I can see Mary Roach there on the left struggling to open hers maybe something Daniel should have done ahead of time Jordan has decided to lick his like a little kitty. I like that. Next I'm going to ruin the couch.

I'm going to show the audience what this is, but don't yell it out. Jaleesa is sipping hers. Sommelier style, but sommelier for blended foods. Jordan, do you have any initial impressions here? Oh, I like it.

I think it's good and I want to eat more of it. I don't know. Mary, what are you feeling? Okay, is this a combination of two or is it one thing? This is a single flavor and we're starting with some of the easiest flavors here. Yeah.

I think I know this one. Okay, Jaleesa, how are you feeling? I think I know it too. Okay, I'm going to start with you, Jaleesa. What's your guess? I feel like it's like applesauce. Okay, well I'm hearing applesauce and I don't, guys, stay quiet if somebody gets it right because we've got to get all three. Mary, what's your guess

here? Apple. Apple, I've got apple right there. Now now jordan are you going with the crowd or are you breaking out three chalupas welded together one chalupa eating another chalupa's feces yes uh what's your guess here jordan uh you know i'm just to have a different answer, maybe I'll come out ahead. I'm going to say strawberry. I think this is like a pureed strawberry. Absolutely incorrect. The correct answer for this one was pears. Pears. What?

Yeah, well, pears are one of the most apple-like fruits. That's true. Pears are apple-like. Backstage, Cladonia asked me like what do you gotta do to be a professional podcaster just have like

a lot of insights and I was like I don't know just be ready to talk when no one else is talking like when the things naturally come to a close

force it forward let's bring out our next set of baby foods here's Daniel Zafran delivering the baby foods. Swap jars. That's great. Perfect.

Good job. This is incredibly sensual, this experience for me. I'm going to show the audience what this one is. Just going to take a little poll of the audience. Would anybody pay to watch this on OnlyFans? I'm not doing well. If any of you is a Maximum Fun member, you're welcome. This is what you're supporting.

Again, Jordan's licking it like a creepy kitty. That's how I'm gonna do all of them, okay? Okay. Mary's licking hers like a classy kitty. And Jaleesa is sipping. What are your initial reactions, Jaleesa? What are you feeling right now? I don't know.

I kind of don't like it. Wow. Well, sorry we invited you. Sorry, you have to eat free baby food. It's a weird image. I guess somebody's not getting the Jordan Jesse go bounce. There's three dozen people here who would have come to your comedy show. Mary, how are you feeling?

What are you thinking? Again, is this a combination or it's one taste? This one is a hybrid. This one is a hybrid flavor. I'm getting like banana something. Okay, banana something. Tell me, what do you think? Banana what?

Banana chocolate. Okay, banana chocolate. Jordan, what are you guessing? It's tropical, so I'm going to say like mango pineapple. Mango pineapple, interesting one. Definitely has a flavor of the tropics. Jaleesa, what do you think? You have to talk into the microphone, Jaleesa.

I think it's like a banana apple. I'm going to give half points across the board. It's banana mango. Banana mango. Daniel, come on out you don't have to wait there let's bring out these next round of baby foods

now these ones are in little pouches very exciting stuff most baby food these days does come in little pouches and you know Daniel's used to going to the store for us

when we demand them Daniel it's okay for you to the store for us when we demand them. Daniel, it's okay for you to open these for people in the future. Why do I put my mouth on? In general. Jordan, I got a little pinky for you if you need it. Oh, God. Fool me once.

Everybody's taking nice sippies here. Everybody's taking nice sippies. Now, this is a four-way blend. This is a four-way blend. Jaleesa, what notes are you getting here? Let's talk about notes. I'm getting notes of banana. Okay, great.

And maybe strawberry? She's tasting strawberry. What do you got, Mary? Is this shoe polish? It is. Ding, ding. We say it's a paste or a wax. A paste or a wax.

And now that we've guessed it, you can call poison control. Jordan, what are you getting here? Yeah, I know. I think you're right. I think there is some banana in there. So if it's four-way, I'm going to say strawberry, banana, apple, grape. It's mango, carrot, banana, grape. It's mango carrot banana pear. Mango carrot banana pear.

Oh, the carrot. That's what they said. That's the carrot. Oh, man. It's just mush. Now, as Daniel comes around, feel free to squirt your pouchies onto him. Audience, if you brought pouchies. Now, everybody squirt your pouches real quick. We've got an OnlyFans and we need content.

I forgot to take the cap off, so I licked the cap. OnlyFans.com slash CatmanJordan. Oh, I had a great time at Jordan Jesse Go. There was a ton of nasty Catholic in action. This is the first one I haven't liked. Really? Tell me about what you're experiencing here. It has a weird savoriness that I don't think...

I guess I was expecting fruity because the other ones have been kind of fruity, so this had a savoriness. I'm going to say pumpkin. Is this like pumpkin? We're hearing pumpkin here. Mary, what are you guessing here? Oh my God, this is like turkey or some shit. Yeah, it has like a Thanksgiving thing.

Jaleesa, what have you got? It's meat flavor, but it's like applesauce consistency. You know what? Everybody's right. This one is vegetable turkey dinner. What? Vegetable turkey dinner.

Folks, it only gets worse from here. We'll make babies eat any fucking shit. Paste it up and shove it in their mouths. That's what the food industry says. Boy, it would be really fun to have some of this around the house. I gotta get a son. You gotta get some of these pouchies. They're very convenient.

Very convenient. Okay, this next one is in pouchy form. Everybody's doing a great job opening it up. Jordan's the first one to tip it to his lips. This one's... Oh, this is really bad. I'm so glad I'm not a baby. Have more, Jordan. No. Yeah, no. Eat more.

Eat more. Wow. I have a fucking mortgage to pay. Eat more, Jordan. No. Yeah, no. Eat more. Eat more. Wow. I have a fucking mortgage to pay. Eat more, Jordan. Jaleesa just screamed. This is disgusting. Is it fajitas? Baby fajitas? I know

it's something sizzling. Yeah. Mary, what are you guessing? Cock. Cock. That's a good guess. Jaleesa, what do you got here? It tastes like asphalt.

You know what? I'm going to say you're all correct because it's veggie red lentil bake. No. Did Kevin make this in his travel blender? Is this something from Kevin's personal travel blender? Kevin made this in his home blender and brought it on the airplane from Canada.

Our next one is also a pouchy product. Very nice of Daniel to pass them out. Our great producer, Daniel, we said, come on a trip to San Francisco, we said. All expenses paid and spend it traveling from grocery store to grocery store buying weird baby food.

Oh, that's terrible. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. So bad. I think Jaleesa might literally pass out right now. I'll guess. Paint? Mary, I think Jaleesa might literally pass out right now. It's so bad. Okay, I'll guess. Paint?

Mary, what have you got? Tell me about what notes you're getting. Jaleesa, are you getting any particular notes here? She can't even speak. I'm sorry, that's terrible. She is in the parlance of the San Francisco Bay Area. She is fizzing pretty hard right now. She's got the stank face on.

It tastes like a burnt pot roast. It tastes like a burnt pot roast. Mary, what have you got? Like if you put communion wafers in a blender with piss. The excretion of Christ. Oh man, are we all Catholic now? Oh, fuck. Fuck, dude.

That one is turkey bolognese. Turkey bolognese. Is this the second turkey one? Yeah, well, I mean, turkey's good for babies or something. Okay, wow. This next one is going to be amazing. Really excited about this one. God, we started this so easy.

I kind of like cracking these pouches. It's a fun sensation. It really is nice. You guys are really getting to see a kind of onstage representation of how it started, how it's going. Oh, my God. What kind of notes are you getting there,

Super Taster Mary Roach? Good God. No. This is... Eat more, Jordan. Good God. No. Eat more, Jordan. Eat more. Jaleesa looks like she's not just upset about the food.

She's just reconsidering all the choices that have brought her to this place. She's like, maybe I should have become an accountant. This is just the taste of sorrow. This is so bad. Because it's like whoever created these recipes also didn't know how to cook.

And then they made... Okay. What notes are you getting, Jaleesa? Is this a savory or a sweet? I think it's a savory. Are you getting anything meaty here? Or is this reminiscent of the turkey flavors? No, nothing.

Nothing on earth. Nothing. It's some sort of meteor. They scraped a meteor. It's definitely like a dinner meal that if separated might taste good individually. But together it tastes, yeah. This could be, for all three of you, this could be a Kanye West through-the-wire style career breakthrough.

That you have eaten these gross foods combined together, and it is going to lead to a hit song that makes your career. Hit song or diarrhea. It'll lead to one of those two things. Porque no los dos, Jordan. I'm going to say a condom. You're going to say a condom.

Can I ask you this, Jordan? Yes. Quick follow-up question. Fresh or soiled? Halfway betwixt the two. A ruined orgasm condom. I love it. Mary, what are you thinking?

Some kind of starch, I think. We've got a starch. There's a starch in there. Okay. Jalisa, what are you thinking? Some kind of starch, I think. We've got a starch. There's a starch in there. Okay. Jalisa, what do you think? I honestly, I feel like it tastes like celery and sweat. This one is beef and ginger with peas, bell pepper, and broccoli. No, no, it's not.

It's not. Not. No, it is space meat. Space meat. This next it is space meat. Space meat. This next one is pretty fancy. I'm pretty excited for you guys to try this one out. How many of these are there? I don't know.

Daniel made the quiz, and I'm going to be frank, it's too long. Should this be for all the marbles? Do we have any crazier ones? This one is for all the marbles, and whoever eats the most of it wins, but I also want to hear about the flavors. That smells terrible. Jordan is... Oh, I hate it.

Why are these so bad? We shouldn't give these to babies. Mary likes this one. No, no. No, Mary's really... For the at-home listener, Mary is super pumped about this one. I want to do this. Mary, oh, Mary is way into this one. No, no, no. Mary's really for the at home listener. Mary is super pumped about this one.

Mary. Oh, Mary is way into this one. You can see the flush on her cheeks. She's physically excited by this one. Julissa. No. No, it's terrible. I can't. Julissa. The smell hits you first. Is this our hot ones is this baby one

god we need something we might as well make this our thing okay i'm gonna try and guess okay thank you i'm not i've been doing bad answers yeah i'm gonna try and guess this one yeah it's maybe there's a like dough with some kind of filling. Is this like dumplings? Is this like chicken and dumplings? Chicken and dumplings. Mary Roach, you're shaking your head no. What flavors are you getting here? No, no, no.

It's, hang on. She's going back to the well, folks. It's familiar. It's familiar. Not in a good way. Not too familiar. Not in a good way. Some kind of meat. Some kind too familiar. Some kind of meat.

Some kind of meat. You're going to have to get more specific than that if you want to win the incredible prize. Bad meat. Bad meat. Fair enough. Julissa, what do you got? I think this is beef stroganoff.

Beef stroganoff. You know what? You're the closest. I'm going to call you the winner. It's bison with kabocha squash and spinach. What? Why? I did get that game-maker.

Why is that a baby food flavor? Let's take a look at what we didn't make them eat. Prunes. Did not make them eat prunes. You guys can pull off your masks. Jaleesa, as the champion, you're the winner of Chocolatey Tree Stump.

Congratulations on winning Chocolatey Tree Stump. But Jordan and Mary, don't worry. You get a consolation prize. Useful in an emergency. Portable mini toilet. So congratulations,

Mary. Portable miniature toilet. So congratulations, Mary. Portable miniature toilet. You'll need to use it later. Congratulations to both of you. Let's hear it for Mary Roach and Jaleesa. Couldn't have been more game. And you know what? You know what?

Let's hear it for Jordan, even though he kind of has to be here to pay his rent. It's true. Jesse? Jesse? Can I keep it? Yeah, absolutely. Cat masks for everyone.

Cat masks for everyone. You all don't get cat masks. Thank you, Mary. Thank you, Julissa. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Mary. Thank you, Julissa.

Thank you. Thank you. Now for this next quiz, we're going to need somebody from the audience. Yeah, so this is actually where... And not some fucking four eyes. This guy's pounding his fist. Him and Jesse are going to fight after the show. Bring it, dweeb. So we're running a little long,

Jesse. So this next question is just going to have to be a single multiple choice question. Okay. So we'll need somebody who doesn't mind just answering a single, simple multiple choice question. Just one simple, single multiple choice question. There's a young lady in the front here in leopard print trousers. Come on up.

Sorry, I know everyone is wearing every young lady in the front here in leopard print trousers. Sorry, I know everyone is wearing every young lady in here is wearing leopard print. Have a seat. Give her a hand, everybody. Hi. Hi. Tell us your name. Jill. You were responding to the Canadian stuff earlier. Yes, I'm from New Brunswick.

Okay. Thank you for the nice... Thank you, one nice Thank you one person You know what? I'm kind of more of an old Brunswick guy Yeah, we get that a lot How are you at multiple choice questions? Just so ready

She fucking has fire in her eyes Yeah, for the folks listening at home That was the most intense look I'm about to get my lunch money stolen Okay So at home. That was the most intense look. I'm about to get my lunch money stolen. Okay, so this is the multiple choice quiz celebrity ghost kitchen edition. Since we're here in San Francisco

city of innovation, we wanted to celebrate possibly the best idea big tech has ever given us the ghost kitchen who needs beloved local restaurants when you can open a delivery app and get $30 tater tots delivered to you by someone who can't afford health insurance? And cooked by ghosts.

And by... Don't do better jokes than I have in my copy. Yes. Should I have said they're made by actual ghosts? Yes, that's really funny. And we'll punch up this script later. These cheekily named food shoots are so popular,

even celebrities are getting in on the act. Which one of these is an actual celebrity ghost kitchen? Just a single multiple choice question, you'll go first. This should be quick, because this is just one question. So it should be easy. So Jesse, which of these is an actual celebrity ghost kitchen? Let me know what my choices are, okay? Lady Gaga's Lady Nom Noms.

Uh-huh. Cardi B's WAP Wonderful Ass Pies. Gwyneth Paltrow's Soup from Goop. Idris Elba's Citrus Melba's. Okay, so I'm thinking... Catherine Han's collaboration with

Sriracha. Oh, so there's more of these? Catherine Han's collaboration with Sriracha. Sorry, can you tell me what the first one was? Lady Gaga's Lady Nom Nom. And the third? Can you continue from there? It's not your turn yet. I'm sorry. Cardi B's WAP. Wonderful Ass Pies. Gwyneth Paltrow's

Soup from Goop. Idris Elba's Citrus Melba's. Catherine Hahn's collaboration with Sriracha. We're Good in Everything. Kevin Costner's Homestyle Mashed Potato Concept. Gravy Tubers for Baby boomers Eat Easter candy anytime From a real Oscar winner

At Meryl Streep's Year-round peeps Kellis's Healthy smoothie concept My milkshake brings All the boys to the chard Charlie Day's It's always sunny side up

The Prince Estates Muffin compares to you Sinead O'Connor's Nothing compares to food Steve Harvey's Family food Paul McCartney's Love, love me food Paul McCartney's Thank you. You pry them from my cold, dead hams. Henry Cavill's Ham of Steel. Cam Gajandit's Ham Saganwiches. John Hamm's Oven Roasted Turkey.

Mark McGrath's Hey, Remember Me? No? Well, here's some raviolis. Guy Fieri's Fuck It, Here's a Water Balloon Filled with Ranch Dressing. Lionel Richie's All Night Footlong. ACDC's You Shook Me All Night Six InInch and Vanilla Ice's Rice Rice Baby Corn. Do you want to hear those again? So Jordan, I'm looking for which of these

is the real celebrity ghost kitchen. Sorry, what was the fourth one? Idris Elba's Citrus Melba's. And the third one? Gwyneth Paltrow's Soup from Goop. What about the first one? Lady Gaga's Lady Nom Noms. Sixth one.

Seventh one. I changed it. Kevin Costner's Homestyle Mashed Potato Concept Gravy Tubers for Baby Boomers. Okay, I'm going to talk this through. Yep, talk it out. All of these are real celebrities. Yep. And they're all real kinds of food.

Yes. That's great. We're working together on this no fake foods teamwork makes the dream okay uh boy okay so you got a lot of different paul mccartney ones my first thinking is paul mccartney probably doesn't need the money i'm crossing off the paul mccartney ones right now granted almost none of these people do need the money kid rock probably needs the money but like vanilla ice definitely needs the money man i was hanging out backstage at a judge john hotchman show with a popular entertainer i i won't use this entertainer's name but we were talking about show business stuff and she said uh, yeah, Idris Elba owes me $1,500.

Fucking awesome. That is worth so much more than $1,500 to be able to say to people that Idris Elba... So I'm going to say Idris Elba's Citrus Melba's. I'm sorry, Jesse, you're wrong. We're going to go to our next contestants. Hi there. Which one of these is a celebrity ghost kitchen?

Lady Gaga's, Lady Namam's, Cardi B's, WAP, Wonderful Last Pies, Gwyneth Paltrow's, Soup from Coop, Idris Elba's, Citrus Melba's, Catherine Hahn's collaboration with Sriracha, We're Good and Everything, Kevin Costner's homestyle mashed potato concept, gravy tubers for baby boomers, Get Easter candy anytime from real Oscar winner at Meryl Streep's year-round peeps, Kellis' healthy smoothie concept, my milkshake brings all the boys to the chart,

Charlie Day's It's Always Sunny Side Up, The Princess State's Muffin Compares to You, my milkshake brings all the boys to the chart. It brings always sunny side up. The Princess States muffin compares to you. My milkshake brings all the boys to the chart. It brings them to the chart because it's like one of those you put chart in there. Sinead O'Connor's nothing compares to food. Steve Harvey's family food. Paul McCartney's love love me food. Paul McCartney's yellow summery sandwiches. And they were almost to the ham ones. Paul McCartney's

paper snack writer. Paul McCartney's please cheese me. Paul McCartney's I want to hold your hands. There's a point where you're writing these that your eyes kind of cross and you just start saying one funny word over and over to yourself. You'll get my yums when you pry them from my cold, dead hams. Henry Cavill's Ham of Steel.

Cam Gajandit's Ham Sagan, which is John Hamm's oven-roasted turkey. Mark McGrath's Hey, Remember Me? No? Well, here's some raviolis. Guy Fieri's Fuck It. Here's a water balloon filled with ranch dressing. Lionel Richie's All Night Footlong.

ACDC's You Shook Me All Night Six Inch. Vanilla Ice's Rice, Rice, Baby, Corn. Can I hear the second half? That's all the ham ones. Oh, it's just the ham base. It's mostly just the ham ones and then the ACDC's dick thing. And the bag of ranch. Okay, I'm going to go with Jon Hamm's Oven Roasted Turkey Sub.

No, I'm sorry. You're wrong. Give her a hand, everybody. How about a hand for our two players? Jesse, do we have a prize in there? Yeah. For being so game as to appear on our program, our thanks to you.

Please enjoy this Crunky Crunch Chocolate. Thank you for appearing on the program. Thank you. Give her a hand, everybody. Cherish it for life. Thank you. What was the answer? Are you going to tell us? That's not part of the game. Yeah, we don't say the program. Thank you. Give her a hand, everybody. Cherish it for life. Thank you, thank you, thank you. What was the answer? Are you going to tell us? That's not part of the game. Yeah, we don't say the answer. It's not a fun segment for anyone.

She thought she had bought tickets to a popular podcast that's not us. She's just unfamiliar. Now, because I am the loser in this game, I get the consolation prize, which is these. Five pairs of disposable underpants. Five pairs of disposable underpants. You can shit in most of these prizes.

These are almost all shit-holding prizes, yes. And Jordan, because you wrote that too long quiz, here is your prize. It's an extendable back scratcher. Wow, can I shit on it? I mean, you could scratch your butthole. Cool. That'll make it shit.

Hey, do we have time for some momentous occasions? Yeah, I think we do. Daniel, bring those momentous occasions up to the stage. Now, we have a microphone down here. We're going to call you out. Somebody had something. They flew into SFO today. They flew into SFO today. They flew into SFO today. Thank you for making the

trip for us. Speak directly into the microphone. What's your name? Hi, Rick. Where did you fly in from? Cleveland. Oh, Cleveland. Is that in Ohio? Yes. That's one of the top Clevelands. Congratulations. I hope you didn't fly in for this. No, I got a

job so I could make the show. Honestly, I kind of hope that you would say that you flew in for this. It's fine. It's not a big deal. Just would have made me feel special. Not a lot does. I've been pretty down through the pandemic. Jesse! What? Stretch! Stretch! Keep going!

What's your momentous occasion? Oh, walking out of SFO airport this morning after I flew in, somebody was having an argument on the phone, and they said out loud, I didn't get any sleep last night, and it was a pilot. Fuck. All right. Let's hear it for was a pilot. Fuck. All right.

Let's hear it for our man Cleveland. Yeah. Our next up is this Italian baked good one. Yeah. He's showing some doubt. Hi, what's your name? I'm Chelsea. Hi, Chelsea. How are you? Where did you fly in from? Haight-Ashbury. Just for the show, though, right?

Love that airport. Love the Haight-Ashbury airport. Oh, man, I get super high in the Haight-Ashbury. Just for the show, though, right? Love that airport. Love the Haight-Ashbury airport. Oh, man, I get super high in the Haight-Ashbury. Jesse. And I can't land from drugs. Okay. That's a nice way to get into the park, you know? Yeah. Chelsea, what's

your momentous occasion? The first time I had a cannoli. All right. That's a great... Had you been avoiding cannolis? Gracious no, I'm just from California. Okay. There's no Italians here, I guess.

What did you think? Are you going cannoli crazy from now on? I quite liked it. I liked the cold cream. That was nice. And it was nice with the flaky... I don't know if it was nice with the flaky, you know, I don't know if it's a crust or what do you call it, but it's like a taco-shaped thing. Yeah.

Perfect California metaphor there. This checks out. She's not lying about the cannoli. Jordan, you and I are longtime stage performers, and we love to do our own makeup. We focus, of course, on chiaroscuro, the interplay between light and dark. You don't need to tell the audience that, Jesse.

They know what chiaroscuro is. When we get backstage, we need to take that makeup off. You know what we use? Of course we use cannoli cold cream. Right. Use that cold cream from the cannoli. Thank you, Chelsea. Thank you for joining us.

Give that cannoli chomper a hand. Let's see. This is about the gym. Someone was at the gymnasium and something novel happened to them. This gymnasium person is ready. Something about some recovery. Come on down. Let's hear it for gymnasium person. Gymnasium person

is ready. I think. I hope. Hi. What's your name? I'm ready. I think. I hope. Hi, what's your name? I'm Patrick. I'm not the gymnasium guy. God damn it! Has anyone here been to a gym?

One job! Okay, Patrick, switch with the person behind you. I'm also not. You're also not? Who are you? We only asked two people, and the first one was the gymnasium person. Are you the gym person? Yeah. Are you the gym person? Yeah, are you the gym person?

Okay, come on down. First of all, I want you to apologize to Patrick and Patrick's partner there because you really ruined their Jordan-Jesse-Go experience. They got yelled at, and it was your fault. Jesse, we need to smooth it over with them. Give them something to shit in. So they're not mad. Give them something they can take a shit in. Can I offer you two

a bison pouch? It's only been slightly sucked. Maybe that makes it more appealing. Yeah. Jordan will give you his little pinky later. Please. Jordan will give you his little pinky later please what's your name? Leslie

it's very nice to meet you, welcome to Jordan Jesse Go welcome to San Francisco, greatest city in the world it's a lovely sweater, tell us what your momentous occasion is so I made it to the gym one day before the sun came up it was a big deal for me. And I was on the elliptical and I saw just all of a sudden thousands of crows just flying. Fucking hate crows. What the fuck are they up to? Right? I know. I know. I just, they were headed to Berkeley and I don't know why. Probably the California Science, what's that called? The Lawrence Livermore,

God damn it. I lived in San Francisco for 26 years. One Berkeley poll is, okay, how about this? Let your, set me up again. Oh, thousands of crows

headed towards Berkeley. Lawrence Berkeley Lab, evil scientist. No, no, just set me up with the thing from before. I thought of a Berkeley thing. Okay, come back, come back. This is Lab. Evil scientist. No, no. Just set me up with the thing from before. I thought of a Berkeley thing. Okay, come back. This is going to be great. This is definitely

going to live up to the build up. Don't worry. I got on the elliptical and I saw thousands of crows flying towards Berkeley. Yeah, they probably wanted to buy bumper stickers. Jesse. Folks, we have a bumper sticker for sale in the lobby

it's five dollars we're gonna be out in the lobby after the show selling the one piece of merch we brought it's a bumper sticker and I tied that shit into the show Jesse great job thank you very much we're gonna get rich five dollars at a time okay we got one last moment and this one is a fucking

pair I guess. Jordan thought it was applesauce. Remind me. The prestige. Remind me. I've been on tour for fucking 10 days. I'm going completely insane. I had not left the house for three years previously.

What's your name? I'm Patrick, and this is my wife, who is a person of her own right, Heather. Hi, Heather. Hi, Patrick. Nice to meet you. Where did you come to the show from? Newark. Newark, New Jersey. Sure.

Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Flying JetBlue out of Newark, New Jersey. Great flight. Probably to the Oakland airport, would you say? Yes, definitely. Sort of the bargain airport, would you say? Yes, definitely. Sort of the bargain airport. It's nice, though.

Take that little shuttle. One time, Jordan, I flew into the Oakland airport, and there's this shuttle. Now there's a train, I think, but there was this shuttle that goes to the BART train, and I got on the shuttle. It was like 12 o'clock at night. I got on the shuttle.

I went to the Oakland Coliseum Airport BART station. If anybody's been to that BART station, it's not the number one place you want to be at 12.30 at night. And I get there, and I go up to the BART turnstile, and I put my BART ticket in, and nothing happens. I'm jamming it in there there and there's a station agent there and I go to the station agent. I said, my bar tickets not working. And he says, oh,

Bart is closed. Why did they put me on a shuttle to the closed Bart station? There was another lady on the shuttle. There was a man there smoking a cigarette in front of his like 1978 Toyota Corona. And he goes, where are you going? I'm like, well, it's 1230 at night. This is before cell phones. I'm like, I guess I'll tell him where I'm going and see what happens. I'm like, oh, I'm going to the city. I'm going to the mission, going to my mother's house. And he says to the lady, where are you going? She's like, and he says to the lady, where are you going? She's like,

I'm going to Polk Gulch or whatever, you know. And he goes, how much money you got? I had $20. I'm like, I have $20. And she's like, I have $30. And he goes,

all right, I'll do it. You had not asked. We had not asked. So we just piled into his fucking Toyota Corona, drove across the bridge while he chain-smoked cigarettes and bragged about knowing too short. Absolutely tremendous experience.

Was that your momentous occasion? Was that? I completely forgot what your name is. Anthony? Patrick. Okay, I'm going to call you Newark. Newark, what's your momentous occasion?

Two and a half years ago, my wife had encephalitis, a brain infection, and almost died. And it's been a really long recovery. First of all, congratulations. Thank you. Well, we're having our first overnight trip this weekend to see J.J. Ho and J.J. Go two podcasts that meant a lot to us during

that rough couple years. Aw, thank you. That's so nice. Congratulations. Ho and J.J. Goats, who podcast and meant a lot to us during that rough couple years. Aw, thank you. That's so nice. And congratulations. It's really great to hear. Ma'am. Why is your husband speaking for you? Two reasons.

Number one, I had a hell of a lot of wine before here and I tripped on my way out. Thank you very much for the people that prevented me from dying. Let's throw some CTE on top of that encephalitis. Why not? Once it's scrambled, let's

scramble it all the way. Why not? And also because I think, truthfully, I am a little bit nervous and when I get nervous I talk a lot. Would you like a hug? Oh, yes. Okay. All three of us are hugging. That's our show, folks.

Good night. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Thanks to everybody who was on the show. Thanks for listening to RSF Sketch Fest podcast. Thanks to everybody who joined us on stage. So many incredible artists. We're very grateful to every single one of them for making the time to do our weird games.

Yeah. And hey, thanks to all of you. We're putting this episode out because it's MaxFunDrive and the MaxFun donors make this all possible. Maximumfun.org slash join. Get yourself some good vibes for supporting a cool company. Get yourself some bonus content. Get yourself some pledge gifts. It's all there for you on maximumfund.org slash join. I hope you'll join us. This is the last time

we're going to ask you to join Maximum Fund in 2023. This is our last episode of the Max Fun Drive. Max Fun Drive ends March 31st. So I'm going to give you the hard sell. How about that? I think that if you have listened all the way to this point in this live episode of Jordan, Jesse Go, you probably really like our show. Yeah, because let's face it, some of this episode has been an ordeal. Look, some of every episode of Jordan, Jesse go to some people would be an ordeal. It's a trial. It's a challenge. But to you, it is a pleasure or you wouldn't still be here.

Look in your pocket. If you got five bucks, join Maximum Fun with it. Maximumfun.org slash join is where you do it. And when you join, you'll not just get all the bonus content and gifts and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You will also know every time that you listen to Jordan Jesse go that when we thank the members of Maximum Fun.org, we are thanking you directly, just as you have supported us directly. It means the world to me and to Jordan that we work for you and not for some weird multinational conglomerate who could cancel us at any time.

And we're very, very grateful for your direct support to become a member. And I hope you will become a member. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. Yeah. Thanks so much to everybody who's already done that. Thanks so much to everybody who's already done that. Thanks so much to everybody who's thinking about doing that. It is a total pleasure to make this show for a really, really cool group of people. Maximum Fun fans are the best. They're the nicest people. Sometimes internet fandoms can

be bad, but not Max Fun. They're such nice people. And the fact that they support these shows voluntarily is so, so, so cool. I'm always amazed when I think about how this show goes, because MaxFun members are nice enough to keep it going. Yeah, it's a real thrill. I love making this show. I love goofing around every week. And yeah, I love the fact that y'all support it. It's really, really cool. And we hope to do it for many more years to come. Maximumfun.org slash join. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. love you