Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Make Batman Kiss The Joker, with Janet Varney

Episode Date: February 15, 2024

This week Janet Varney (The JV Club) returns to JJGo to talk about how her hot tub was haunted by the souls of drowned black widow spiders.Microdose Gummies deliver perfect, entry-level doses of THC that help you feel just the right amount of good. Get 30% off your first order, plus free shipping today at Microdose.com, promo code JJGO. It’s available nationwide.Right now, Nuts.com is offering new customers a free gift with purchase and free shipping on orders of $29 or more at Nuts.com/jjgo.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And yeah long-running segment on the program. Two times is legendary, right? When you do something once, it's kind of a test. And then second time, boom, legendary status. Yeah. So for folks who weren't listening before, last week on the program, I would say, we introduced a new segment called I Read It on Social Media.

Now, Jordan has changed the name of that segment to I Read It on the Internet, which admittedly is probably better. Kind of a lateral move. Yeah, sort of a lateral move. I read- I wasn't aggressive, by the way jesse i wasn't trying to like you know punch you up or anything i just remembered it differently i read a submission i read a i read a request for legal help from a harpist who was not being allowed to use his building's escalator not escalator you'd hate to have somebody get on an escalator with a harp.

That's danger. Sure, right? Get those strings caught in the spikes? Yeah. You're never getting that harp back. Jordan, you're now going to read something else that you found on the internet? Yes. I'm going to recall it.

I don't have it in front of me. Would it have been better to actually have it in front of me? Yeah. Am I going to do something about it? This isn't a show, people. Fuck no. Yeah. We're not making a show.

I'd have to get out my phone and that would cause me to, let's just say, not be as present as I'd like to be, Jesse. You know me. I love to be present in the moment. It's 2024. You're working on being more present. Exactly. I'm not going to be constantly hypnotized by Jeff Bezos' little dopamine prison. You know me. All I do is stare at my Alexa. I'm working on being more present now.

So this is what I saw on the internet. That I think, depending on how you look at it, is either terrifying or heartwarming. You be the judge. This was a Valentine's Day post from the folks at DC Comics. And I just love it when brands celebrate holidays. Nobody celebrates a holiday like a brand. I think we can all agree. I mean, I think I hardly know what to do on Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

Right. Unless Snickers tells me. Sure. SpaghettiOs honors our veterans. So why shouldn't we? Exactly. The SpaghettiOs O is thinking of our veterans so why shouldn't we exactly the spaghettios oh is thinking of our veterans uh this is a valentine's day post from uh dc comics and it was a yes do you think do you think

on on veterans day m&ms honor the service of uh the sexy lady m&m that they killed did she die in battle didn't they get rid of an m&m i think they just changed her shoes oh okay they and then maybe change them back i don't know i have the answer to this matt yes yeah thank you you're you're on you're pretty online right i'm very online uh and i also uh very much enjoy m&ms uh they made her less hot okay to Jesse, that's as good as being killed. Yeah. Wow, you guys know me. She used to be super hot

and kind of like sultry, like sexy, kind of just like, ooh, you know, like you're at a bar, right? And you see like a hot M&M. Right. Right.

Wow. At a bar. You know. Or a club, Jordan. Or a club, sure. Wherever you find sexy m&ms that's where you would find the green m&m and then um the powers that be decided to make her less hot so now okay i don't even want to fuck this new m&m yeah can i can i say one thing before we get back to what you read on the internet from brand j It's fine. Again, this is all lateral moves.

You know, a bratty super rapper Eminem from the movie eight mile. I do. This is the man behind the song about venom that plays over the credits of venom. Yeah. Some of his best work. At some point, this guy, a wordsmithmith one of the great wordsmiths of popular music sat down and thought to himself

what should i name myself and he said well i don't melt in your hand i guess is is what he said. I don't know. How did he end up naming himself M&M? I have the answer to this. What a stupid name. His name is Marshall Mathers. That's so dumb. His name is Marshall Mathers, which is too- Matt, if your name was Starburst Jones, would your rap name be Starburst?

I don't think so. It would be S-J. Okay. Like Stephen Jenkins. Got it. Lead singer of Third Eye Blind. So yeah, he was marshall mathers and he decided to be eminem but he spells it uh with an e right i know a lot about eminems

guys okay but i want to get back to this thing okay which is about as interesting as this that we're talking about i should say i'm not you know i don't want to set the i don't want to set expectations too high matt uh there are a lot of em&m flavors these days uh too many if you ask me uh do you have a favorite classic m&m peanut pretzel i'm allergic to peanuts oh so it wouldn't be peanut or peanut butter probably right no no uh i like a classic uh m&m uh you know just straight chocolate and uh the red color is my favorite flavor. Right. And of course, the green one, back when it had the big tits.

Back when it was a hot one. Before the woke police. Yeah, before the communists came. Thank you. Actually, sorry, this post that I wanted to mention does concern the woke police. So great. Just keep that. Let's hear it, Jordan.

Keep that in your brain. DC Comics celebrating Valentine's Day with a little slideshow of some of the famous couples from their universe. All right. Looking in love. So, of course, you got Superman and Lois, Batman and Catwoman. They're on again, off again. But you also had some same-sex couples that have come into their continuity a little more recently. Harley and Ivy, Apollo and Midnighter.

You guys know all these famous DC Comics couples. You don't have to explain who those people are. Of course I know who Knight Rider is. That's right. Knight Rider and Kit. Yes, a man can fuck a car in 2024 it's not just for dragons anymore no yes men too men too can fuck cars um so yeah so we have this slideshow of couples and pretty pretty you know innocuous happy valentine's day from you know your favorite couples of DC Comics. So I'm enjoying this slideshow.

You got some beautiful art in there. And then I made the mistake of looking down at the comments. And the number one comment is someone with an anime avatar complaining about the fact that there are same-sex couples in the slideshow. It's the doing of the woke police, pushing an agenda. Now, this person is more of a dream police guy. Right. Yes, exactly.

Who's your favorite police, woke or dream? How about this? Woke police live at Budokan. Is that anything? Sure. So, yeah, just to be fair, and something that was a little bit heartening is this. It's this, you know, the reason this comment had made it to the top was because people were like roasting this piece of shit underneath his comment. Jordan, I've got dogs in my house, including a relatively young one who isn't perfectly potty trained. So I know if you find a piece of shit, roast it, baby. Kind of underneath that, you have the people clapping back.

Second most popular comment on this slideshow, all caps. I'm going to read it as I heard it in my mind. Great. Make Batman kiss the Joker. They have that power, Jordan. You can draw anyone doing anything. It is within their reach yes make batman it was just in no punctuation all caps and that was it was almost as discussed as this thing about the woke police can i ask you a question yeah do you think if we made hats we could get trump to wear one

could say make bat Batman kiss the Joker. Yeah. Yeah. I think if it was in his signature colors. He wouldn't notice, right? You just hand it to him. I'm not saying we would be like, do you think. That guy's not reading hats.

He doesn't have time. He's got deals to make. Exactly. This guy's got big deals to make. Make Batman kiss the Joker. God damn it. The sexual tension has been bubbling since 1940 or something. Make them kiss.

Make him. Which Joker would you most like to kiss, Jordan? Oh, God. I mean, I would say Cesar Romero because he's got that little mustache. I know. That's exactly what I was thinking. Mustache. 100% what I was thinking.

But, you know, you know, you know, you know, Leto's going to try and stick a finger in you while you're doing it, right? He's twisted. That's all right. Oh, yeah, sure. If you clear it ahead of time. Yeah. He's twisted. Yeah.

This guy's twisted. Yeah. So, you know, I guess, I guess Romero Leto sandwich is my answer. What about, what about Puffy Nicholson? is my answer. What about Puffy Nicholson? You don't want to kiss Puffy Nicholson? I think I'm fine with just being friends with Jack Nicholson. Yeah. I don't want to take it to the next level with Jack.

Just going to go to the Lakers game. Yeah. Sit courtside at the Lakers. You know, I don't want to go any further than that i don't see him i don't see him in that way i want to kiss danny devito penguin oh that's a good answer first of all we didn't invite you back on the i know but it just this is a conversation that once again is in my wheelhouse second of all okay do you want to introduce our guests and see what bat villain she'd like to kiss?

Yeah. Our guest on the program is an actor, a celebrated actor. She is the host of Max Fun's own podcast, The JV Club. Janet Vardy. Hi, Janet. Totally not present right now. Just not present at all. Please be zoned out.

Living inside the fantasy of making out with Poison Ivy. Uma Thurman version. That's a good version. That's all I remember from that movie. And I don't think I'm missing anything. So here's the thing about- You're missing about 12 ice puns for Arnold Schwarzenegger. Here's the thing about that movie.

Nice to see you chill out, et cetera. Yes, Jesse, go ahead. I had never seen that movie, the movie Batman and Robin, directed by Joel Schumacher. But I had read our friend Glenn Weldon's book about Batman, which is a great book, really great book. Lots of insights, particularly about the sort of history and nature of fan culture in that book. And, you know, Glenn is a big supporter of the Batman that lives between fun and camp, right? Sure. the batman that lives between fun and camp right like uh he's a he's a big lover of a 1950s batman comic book a 1960s batman television program he's also a defender of batman and robin

given that you know i think it is fair to say that, you know, people were, the young men that were new to the internet when that movie came out, really were deeply invested in protecting their masculinity by defending themselves against nipples on Superman's, on superhero suits, and the idea of camp in general. You forget about the formed butts on those suits. People talk about the nipples. They don't, people forget about the, the formed butts with cracks.

With cracks. Not just formed butts, but like full on, like the intro, the intro of the film has like a hero shot of the butts yeah just focuses on the butts it's not like it it's not like it lingers on the butts it's a butt shot that's just butt right there up top of the movie like this is a butt movie great great there's room for that in the bat verse okay there's room for the movie that's all about the formed butts and the nipples.

My daughter, Grace, we had watched Batman Returns, which is, you know, falls squarely between the people who think it's bad and the people who think actually it's good. Love it. It's got some good stuff in it you're a fan of you're a fan of forever janet no returns oh returns okay yeah well okay sorry i'm this is okay returns this is featuring cat woman the penguin christopher okay okay it's a big too big of a pile of stuff it doesn't really hang together but there's some there's some neat stuff in there like uh it's the only one with pb herman as far as i know i believe that's right so we had watched that and my daughter is obsessed with watching the worst thing and so she had heard about batman and robin and she was obsessed with watching batman and robin and i volunteered to watch it

for her with her because i had read glenn's book and i was ready to to reappraise it i never saw it in theaters i was ready to reappraise it and just appraise it then right yeah exactly yeah yeah yeah appraise it relative to these expectations that have been developed over the years both the early this is a horrible movie expectations, and then the, actually, this is an interesting and fun movie expectations that Glenn's book. The showgirls effect you're talking about. Yeah, exactly.

I'd say we watched about 25 or 30 minutes of this movie. Uh-oh. I don't know that I've ever seen a worse movie like the amount of horrible that like it it so far outstripped my my my previous like my i when everyone all anyone could talk about was how bad it was that idea in my mind of how good it would be was far outstripped by how bad. Jesse, I think Mr. Freeze would say you need to chill out. I know. It was, well, one thing is, I've watched probably four or five Arnold Schwarzenegger movies since I've been an adult, you know, like in the past 20 years rather than the preceding 20 years.

And it's really amazing how bad at acting Arnold Schwarzenegger. Oh, you haven't seen a Van Damme movie lately. Hold my beer. He says, can barely say the words in the right or it is yeah it it is uh it it was worse than i ever could have imagined batman and robin but i you know what i did like i liked the butt part see the butt part i was like this is fun i I like this. When they zoomed in on the butt in the very opening of the movie,

I'm like, wow, this is going to be one of those fun butt movies. You like bat butts and you cannot lie. Exactly. You know what sounds like a Batman villain, Jesse? The haunted hot tub. Is that where Janet Varney is right now janet varney casually mentioned before we started recording uh do you have a haunted hot hot tub janet i mean it it was haunted for me it was haunted by black widows. And because their existence inside of it continues to haunt me. I would say when I have, I would say like maybe once every four months I have a nightmare about Black Widows.

It just comes up for me a lot. And so, yeah, I was not sorry to see because there was a time in which the the hot tub got used and then it was very expensive uh in many ways to just pump hot water all the time when it's that's just one of those things so this was there like when you moved in yeah it was there when i moved in and at some point um you know i think i just like stopped paying attention to it because I was like, I, it's just, I don't know. I don't know how people, I mean, I understand. I'm a grown up. I understand now that people invest money in having pools in Los Angeles and having hot tubs and all that.

That feels still like a luxury to me that as a kid who grew up without a pool, I just, to me, it's like, wow, how much is it? Yeah. Like that's, that's only for wildly wealthy people, which is not accurate,

but it's just one of those kid things I held on to. I think Janet, that a hot tub is a former poor person trap in that if you grew up without means, if there was a hot tub there and I'm projecting projecting here because I've never had a hot tub. I'm not that kind of guy. Yeah. But.

You don't like to relax. You can't just keep the hot tub hot or you're a monster. Right. Yeah, exactly. Because you have to keep stuffing money into the little firebox to keep the water hot. Yes. Keeps stuffing money into the little firebox to keep the water hot. Yes.

But then if you just turn on the hot tub when you want to use the hot tub, you have to do it like four hours ahead of time. Exactly. Exactly. It's supposed to be, it feels like it's supposed to be a thing that you can just like decide you're in the mood for. And that's what's cool about having it. It's like, and then I just, I don't know, I just slipped into the hot tub. I had 15 extra minutes or whatever. And it's what's cool about having it is like, and then I just, I don't know, I just slipped into the hot tub. I had 15 extra minutes or whatever. And it's true. It's something about making an appointment to relax.

Well, and like assuming that your house party is going to turn into a key party. Sure, sure. I mean, you don't want to like, because things don't go that direction. Yeah. You know. Yeah. I'll tell you this. A few months ago, I was on tour in Atlanta, Georgia with the great John Hodgman.

And he and I spent a couple of nights in stuff you should know host Chuck Bryant's pool house. Yeah. I've been to that pool house. It's a wonderful pool house. It's got a hot tub. Yeah. And now, my point here is that chuck bryant is a monster and just kept that pool kept that hot tub hot and don't think that john hodgman and i didn't relax and bro down in that hot tub and it was wonderful and i just thought

oh the american southeast what a dream it is to live this lifestyle. Janet, did you did it? Was it filled with black widows when you moved in or was that something that happened because you weren't using it? It was my neglect. And but I think that might have been that was an early lesson for me that there were black widows here because I grew up around them in Tucson, Arizona, was made to be very afraid of them as a kid. And and so that's really stayed with me. And I had a good parent. That's good. I know. Just good parents.

That's good. Keep the kids away from drugs. Yes. Pyramid schemes. Black widows. Absolutely. Unfortunately, i was not that those first two lessons were not bestowed on me so i lost a tremendous amount of money you got you got fucked up and bought a bunch of uh leggings that are now in your garage oh god they're so

soft they're so buttery soft though the only thing my parents taught me about survival in the outdoors was leaves of three that there's a bee wait that's confusing yeah and i'm a poison ivy fan so as we've established so i know there's something missing from that lesson leaves of three come see me you say so janet you better version of that probably when you moved when you moved in there were no black widows it was a it was a robust bubbling hot tub uh when i moved in and then over time i think i just let the water evaporate and then the widows moved in and it was a wonderful thriving community i mean that's what you want you want darkness you want it to be nice and moist and a little bit warm i mean that is if i were if i'd wanted to go

into the black widow business i would have been very very happy with the results of just letting warm, dark air exist in, as it were, a vacuum. And yeah, so they were doing great. And then at some point, I mean, at some point before I got rid of it, I did end up refilling it. So the thing that I've blacked out is... And you drowned a beautiful, thriving community of Black widows? I doubt that I just said, you know what, let's just fill her back up. Yeah.

That problem will take care of itself. I'll hop in and there will just be boiled widow carcasses floating all around me. I can't imagine that's what happened. I just want her to feel a little poison-y to anybody else. Just the poison. It'd be amazing if that's what unlocked like a youth serum like oh my god you don't know if you get into a boiled widow hot tub you're gonna stay beautiful looking for years to come janet you look radiant yeah thank you very much yes soaking in boiled what you want to do

is you want to evenly distribute the venom after you've unconcentrated it by soaking it in water. And when you let it evenly distribute with a little bit of water to soften that sting a little bit, it does wonderful things for your muscles. Opposed to when you just get bit by one and everything cramps up and you have to go to the hospital and stuff. Janet, I just got a text from Gwyneth Paltrow. You're the new CEO of Goop. oh my god yeah congratulations oh my god i've been waiting for this call i can't even tell you now i regret tearing down my tub and putting a little studio in its place yeah okay so you got angry at the at the spiders and decided to burn the thing to the ground? No.

I mean, like I said, there was some point at which, and I truly don't remember, so it can't have been me, that I remember that it was like, it's time to clean house. And the Black Widows were killed and the hot tub was cleaned. killed and the hot tub was cleaned and then it was turned back into a hot tub for like a brief amount of time i want to say like six months but it was kind of a fun six months because i was having horrible problems with my neck so it actually was like kind of therapeutic and then it became clear in that short period of time that again again, if you neglect a hot tub for, and I can't stress this enough, many, many years, probably there's going to be some degradation happening. There's going to be some leakage. So it became clear that there were so many leaks in this hot tub that there was no way to fix it. Like the guy came out and was like, Oh,

Oh no, no, I, I can't fix this. You need to shoot this and put it down forever. Um, and so you just held a pillow over the hot tub space in the most loving way. Hot tub to the glue factory. Yeah.

I smothered it with a pillow over and over saying, I'm the angel of death. I'm the angel of death. I'm the angel of death. I should have been a nurse. I should have been a nurse. Um, and then, yeah. And then, and over saying, I'm the angel of death. I'm the angel of death. I'm the angel of death. I should have been a nurse. I should have been a nurse. And then, yeah. And then, and then now I sit where it once was.

But I do like to think that, you know, on a, on a winter's night, when you're not, when there's not very much light, you might feel a creepy crawly sensation of your skin turning young because you're sitting in the venom juice. Ghost stuff. Guys, I had a pretty extraordinary success today that I had not. Look, I'm not conceited. I wasn't going to bring it up at all.

But since the subject has been raised. In my backyard here in Los Angeles, I do not have a hot tub, but I do have a shed. And right now in my family, I'm hurtling towards losing my home office to one of my children. And so I decided I'm going to go.

Do they buy a bunch of leggings that they're hoping to resell? Yeah. They're so soft. Like butter on your buns. Uh-huh. And so I've been working on, you know, doing things like putting floors in the shed.

Right. Putting a floor in the shed so that I can use that ultimately for my office. That shed life, they call it. Yeah. You're going to live that shed life. One of the steps involved was moving a bunch of pavers, a bunch of step stones, you know, from one part of my yard to another. Now, I had thrown them in a path to the shed on the ground.

And I believed in my heart that that's what you did. Like that you just put them on the ground and then the ground welcomes them. Yeah. Until they're suitably embedded in the ground. Yeah. at it in the ground yeah what i found was that what happens instead is you keep stubbing your toe on the fucking sure yeah so today it was the afternoon my family my kids were being quiet they were playing video games or something my dog needed to get out into the backyard. And so I put on my gardening hat and I went outside to dig holes for these pavers to go into.

And I walked up to my, I got like a raised bed for my herbs and it's got a little thing next attached to it where you can put your, where my trowel is or whatever, you know? My spade. Spoken like a true gardener. Yeah. My Wolverine. A trowel cozy. I know what a trowel cozy is.

Yeah. Talking to me like I don't know what a trowel cozy is. And so I go there. I grab the trowel. And I'm like, I'm going to dig these holes. And I think to myself, I got to put on my work gloves. I look at my work gloves. What's in my work gloves, Janet?

Yeah, that's right. Fucking spiders. Whoa. Fucking spiders are in there. I'm glad you looked. Many people don't even look. Before I reached in there, I thought- I just shoved my hands into whatever.

See? That's going to be what kills me. I had the thought. I see an opening, I shove my hand in there. I shoved my hands into whatever it's gonna that's gonna be what kills me i had just thought i see an opening i shove my hand in there i don't look you're a regular heath ledger heath ledger joker jordan jared leto heath ledger is dead jesse oh my god oh my god r.i.p r.i.p how dare you i can't believe neither one of you would want to make out with the heath ledger that felt like i felt like on behalf of all the listeners, I was like, why are they, no one's saying Heath Ledger? Cesar Romero. Yeah, I guess, I mean, I'm not saying that I wouldn't

want to make out with the Heath Ledger Joker. I'm just saying he wasn't the first one that came to mind. We can rank the Jokers by smoochability if you want to. I don't know if that's a better use of our time. It's a lateral use of our time. Look, real Batman fans know that we all want to i don't know if that's a better use of our time it's a lateral use of our time uh look real batman fans know that we all want to make out with the voice of mark hamill that's right that is a generation's joker okay so you pick up your gloves so for the first do you look in yeah first i had the thought there's my. I wonder if they've got spiders in them.

No, that's ridiculous. Spiders don't live in gloves. Oh, my friend. They love them. They love gloves. I picked them up. Sure as shit, there's a bunch of fucking spiders in there, or at least one, which in my mind, it has at least two spiders worth of legs a single spider so that

makes it a bunch of spiders any spider is a bunch of spiders yes so i'm like i can handle this i can handle this i can handle it so i grab it by the finger and i slap it out on the side of the thing i think i'm pretty sure the spider goes flying but what i find inside is something even more nightmarish than the spider itself um show me egg sacs 100 jordan everyone said egg sacs wow i am the only person and i said there were egg sacs in there and Fucking gross. And guess what the fuck I did? Chomped them. Got those egg sacks out of there. And you made an omelet. You chopped up some bell peppers.

Get the pan real hot. I got all the spider strings out of there. You know how spiders make strings to catch flies? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about, Jordan. Uh-huh. i got all those in there fly catcher string sure i took a look at the situation you know what i said to myself these fucking pavers aren't going to dig themselves i better put these gloves on yeah so i put the motherfuckers on was it stickier than i wanted yeah sure yeah i think i would have i mean oh the egg sacs that's it that's i mean i've dealt with a lot of egg sacs um in my time also i have

a very spidery yard just a very very spidery yard i've had to make a lot of peace with an insect that i arachnid that's an insect still right it right? I think so, yeah. It's not like its own species. Jane and I don't know. I'm artsy and Jordan's a punk rocker. Okay, well. Don't correct us in the comments. Rank the jokers by kissability in the comments. If you feel the urge to judge,

go ahead and rank those jokers instead. Yeah, listen, we don't want to see bug facts in the comments. I don't want to look in the comments of this. We want to see joker kissability rankings that being said i've dealt with a lot of egg sacks i've dealt with a lot of surprise scares a lot of jump scares of picking up a small rock and then having a spider crawl across my hand i've just i've just gotten really pretty good about that stuff. But what I do with my gloves is I don't even trust looking in or shaking them. I do both, of course. But then I pinch each finger.

I just pinch each finger hard. As my final step. You get the killing pinch. Because I'm like, if I didn't get it yes it will be disgusting to have my fingertip touch spider guts

but it will not be worse than a living spider and I'm sorry I know there's a lot of spider lovers out there again I will

emphasize I do shake I do look in there I do shake it out it's not that I'm trying to kill a spider but once I'm to the point where that finger

is going in, like guys, when they pinch the end of a condom to make sure there's no spiders in there before I put it on. That's just practical. Oh, I add spiders, Janet. Janet, it's called the ultimate blast. What a kink. The condom is full of spiders. Good for you.

Good for your partner. I want to apologize for the- Good for the environment. Listeners, you've permanently lost thanks to the road this has gone down. Janet. That'd be funny if someone was like, okay, now I'm out. Once you said you put spiders in your condoms, I said, this is not as classy as I remember this show being.

Goodbye and good day. Guys. Guys. Yeah. So I mentioned that I have this shed in my backyard that I'm working on. Uh-huh. I told my children at dinner that it was going to be a dad's club for me and Ben Harrison to watch movies in. Oh, that's fun. And my middle child quickly announced what else would be happening in the dad's club.

And I wrote it down. Oh, wonderful. Are you interested in hearing the activities? Mm-hmm. Watching movies? Yes. Okay. All right. That's fair and safe. Doing boring work activities? Mm-hmm. Watching movies? Yes. Okay. All right.

That's fair and safe. Doing boring work stuff. Mm-hmm. Yeah, fair. Wearing shoes. Right. Huh. Playing Starfield.

That's like Space Skyrim, Janet, just so you know. Okay. Talking about mental health. I mean. Yeah. Yeah. Taxes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. talking about mental health i mean yeah yeah taxes yeah this is all classic dad shit for sure watching archer not wrong beard stuff all right that could be a lot of things yeah it could be a lot of things uh electricity bills okay all right this is starting that that felt a little bit like

grasping a little bit just a little bit because of also having already said taxes but that's okay yeah i was i was gonna think and jess you don't want to like punch up your kids or anything that's yeah you know that's a weird dick move. But you can. You could probably fold taxes and electricity bill into a general category like paperwork or something. Go ahead. Sleeping. Dads love that.

Shirts and jackets. Beautiful. What are the annual dues for the dad's club jesse yeah that's a good question i guess you i guess you have to listen to uh each other dad tell tell you about their favorite steely dan album and why yeah or yeah maybe just check it high a price for some or mental health check-ins yeah or mental health check-ins that's why steely dan is good for your mental health right talking about mental health talking about mental health i mean i i like all that shirts and jackets that sounds like you're making them and that's cool a couple of cool dads stitching together shirts and jackets for their friends i think that one in the beard one might speak to who the parent of this particular child

is who the dad upon whom this child has modeled their idea of what dads are like yeah that makes that makes some sense shoes i like shoes on shoes will be on in this place that's that was that one the the reality is that in my home all three of my children and to a certain extent my wife have nothing but contempt for shoes whereas i have nothing but shoes i've mortgaged park place so that i could buy more shoes this is what this brings up for me very quickly is that every time i see like a cool now i i enjoy interior design i enjoy like you know um i don't i don't spend any time at all on Instagram, so I really am only speaking of like looking at a newsletter from the now defunct Domino magazine that still sort of hangs on by sending me its old stories in email and an email newsletter that I can then click on and look at the digitized version of a magazine I once had. once had uh but every time i mean it is hard to find a pictorial that that if there is a woman who it's who is the homeowner you will not find a picture of her wearing shoes like it is there is a very specific message being communicated in these beautiful you know boho chic homes where the women are wearing whatever

it's could be you know very earthy and gwyneth paltrow-y looking it could be like you know what i was like fuck it i have an adorable sequin jumpsuit from the 70s and i threw that on for the toy but they will almost always be barefoot. And I feel like the communication is like, look at me. I'm this is I'm in my home. I'm I'm showing you my vulnerability. I'm down to earth at the end of the day, no matter how nice and fancy my home is, no matter how coiffed I might look at the end of the day, I just have bare feet. You know what I mean?

I'm just like you. I just have I just have bare feet you know what i mean i'm just like you i just have i just have feet but i think if these were if these were vintage magazines that you're talking about jan if these existed in a pre-internet time i mean a magazine that was maine they were just showing feet on maine yeah if you watch what those nasty foot freaks wanted have you watched that architectural digest video series where alicia keys Keys is giving a tour of her and Swizz Beatz apartment? It just starts, hi, Architectural Digest. I'm Alicia Keys, and this is Feet on Main. Show Feet on Main.

It makes more sense now. Are the both of you barefoot in the house? No, in fact, I got in trouble on me. It makes more sense now. Are the both of you barefoot in the house? No, in fact, I got in trouble on Instagram. I post, because, you know, for the put this on, my Instagram presence is put this on driven. My menswear website and vintage store at put.this.on on Instagram. And for that reason, I am obliged by the algorithm to post outfit pics, OOTDs, outfit of the day pictures.

And it is weird and embarrassing. I still can't bring myself to have others take the picture. There's a lot of leaning my phone against something and then running backwards after checking to make sure nobody is within a block of me. Um, it's really embarrassing.

I can't begin to tell you how embarrassing it is. Um, and the other day I realized it had been a long time since I posted one and you kind of got to feed the beast for the algorithm. And so I was like, I'm wearing an all right outfit. I'm making dinner i set it up on the kitchen counter and i took a picture of myself the number one comment on there was shoes in the house question mark exclamation mark oh boy and then the number two was make batman and joker kiss yeah which made a lot of sense because

it would be hot that guy's just posting under everything. But I learned this also on Judge John Hodgman. Like I mentioned that I generally wear shoes in the house, which I do. There's exceptions, you know, if it's raining outside or I walk through mud or whatever, I might take my shoes off or my feet hurt or, you know, got to let the stank out. There's reasons. But in a day-to-day situation, I come home from work from the office at lunchtime. I just recorded something. I'm going to make myself some lunch.

I don't change to slippers. And to people outside of a – I don't know if this may have been the case in Tucson, Arizona, where you're from, Janet, but in places where there's weather, this is the worst monster behavior you could ever participate in in the history of the world. Yeah.

You are talking during a time in which my house is pretty cold unless I really have the heat cranking we all know how I feel about keeping something heated clearly I'm super against it hot tubs at all um so right now as you're saying this I'm thinking I don't wear my I tend to take my shoes off but Mr. Rogers style it's only to put a different something on. Like it would be. And I don't I wouldn't say slippers like right now. I'm real into this Hoka comfort shoe. It's a super ugly slide that you just put on and you feel like you're floating on clouds.

So I'll slip on a sock and a and a comfort shoe and glide around. But I'm not going to I'm not going to look askance at you for wearing your shoes if you you know yourself if you don't feel like you're tracking something in everyone is looking askance right now 90 of the people listening to this podcast are looking askance can you listen to scans because they're listening right now They were fine with the spider condom thing, but this is a That was the remainder of your listenership. It's now dropping off. This is where we're losing the listeners. If I go to a house party

and there's a pile of shoes by the door, I'm gonna take off my shoes. I'm not gonna say, no, I won't take off my shoes. Yeah. I'm not going to say, no, I won't take off my shoes. But I'll feel like a real idiot wearing an outfit and socks. Right. I'll feel like the dope of the century in an outfit

and just plodding around in my socks with my cocktail garb. I'll tell you right now you're not alone regardless of what the naysayers may say and stink up your comments i think a lot of people feel that way i don't think it's not just like you and larry david who i assume would make the same argument i don't know because i don't watch that show but i don't think you're alone i think people go to parties and when their shoes are off in a pile they're like oh this is okay like okay yeah of course yeah i'll take my shoes off but i i don't think i think a lot of people aren't just like gliding in and being like of course i might expect i thought i assumed i would take my shoes off of course i don't think that I assumed I would take my shoes off.

Of course. I don't think that's the case. I think that there are lots of people who are like, oh, I got to take my shoes. OK, yeah, you know, I will. You know what? I will. I feel like that's common. You know what I think? This is what I think. I think if you're hosting a party and you're worried about your carpets. Don't host a party. hosting a party and you're worried about your carpets don't host a party now put down ram board put down that put down that stuff when you're doing home renovations that like temporary flooring cardboard paper thing move the party to shakies or move the party to shakies imagine if when you

got to shakies you had to take your shoes off at Shakey's. Imagine if at the door that Mr. Shakey said. Yeah. Which is the name of the founder of Shakey's. Wilbur Shakey. Well, it's his nickname because of his alcoholism. Oh, no. Yeah. So you're saying there was a 50-50 chance he was going to name his pizza restaurant the DT's.

And he went with Shakey's. That makes sense. You guys want to starve some mojo potatoes and then come back for a little bit more? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Disco. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Maximum Fun. Maximum Fun is a membership organization, Jordan. That means that our lights are kept on by folks who become members of Maximum Fun at MaximumFun.org. If you're one of those folks, we salute you. If you're not, you can go at any time. We also have the Maximum Fun drive around the corner. We just had a meeting. We have what they call big plans, Jordan. Yes. Giant, yummy, thick plans.

Big, thick, girthsome plans for you. Wide plans. We're also supported this week by the folks over there at Lumi Labs. Those are the microdose people, Jordan. Oh, yeah. Microdosing. It's a lot of fun if we're talking THC, and we are, Jesse. All sorts of people are microdosing to feel healthier and perform better.

It could help give you that sort of just right at peace feeling in your body, like after you just took a really nice shower. Yes. It's like a shower that you eat, and it has a delicious fruit flavor. The microdose gummies from Lumi Labs, very tasty, unlike some other edibles you might've had in your life. They are delish and they don't freak you out. They're nice. They're chill. It's just the right amount of good. That's in their slogan because it's true. Sorry, Jordan. I wasn't listening. I was wishing that my shower was fruit flavored. Yeah.

Sorry. Your shower has to be water flavored, but you know what doesn't have to be water flavored? Your THC microdose gummies. That's why you're going to call the folks at Lume Labs. Here's what you do. You're going to get 30% off your first order plus free shipping today at microdose.com. Promo code JJGO. It's available nationwide.

That's microdose.com promo code JJGO for 30% off and free shipping. Microdose.com promo code JJGO. We're also supported this week by the folks at nuts.com. week by the folks at nuts.com and we are always thrilled to be supported by the folks at nuts.com because that means we get to eat some of their delicious treats cashews almonds pecans pistachios dried mango crystallized ginger dates jelly beans jawbreakers root beer barrels the variety is vast at nuts.com here's the thing that blows my mind about nuts.com okay tell me i mentioned this on the show before but it is genuinely awe-inspiring to me if you get popcorn from from nuts.com or you get nuts from nuts.com pecans or pistachios or whatever they are popped or roasted the day they ship yeah that means that they they pop pop pop

put them in the mail so that you get them fresh and ready yeah you really do taste the difference between the stuff get at Nuts.com and just like a bag of nuts you're going to grab at the grocery store. They're totally fresh. They're totally delicious. Everything I've had from Nuts.com has been awesome. Me and Jesse, we're both big old fans of those bourbon pecans. Throw a bunch of stuff on your order, but do not sleep on those bourbon pecans. So, so good. Right now, Nuts.com is offering new customers a free gift with purchase and free shipping on orders of $29 or more at Nuts.com slash JJ Go.

So, go check out all the delicious options at Nuts.com slash JJ Go. You'll receive a free gift and free shipping when you spend $29 or more. That's Nuts.com slash JJ Go. You'll receive a free gift and free shipping when you spend $29 or more. That's nuts.com slash JJ Go. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, president and founder of Dad Club. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Janet Varney, leaves of three.

Let her be. Let her be. That's how I tell people I'm in a dangerous mood. How are you? Leaves of three. Leaves of three. We're going to all let you. Oh, you know what?

I'll stop back by later. I'm not going to wear shorts around Janet. There's so much of her just sort of like acting odd in the movie. I might even have watched half of this movie. Yeah. Talking about Uma Thurman's Poison Ivy? Yeah, she's just sort of acting weird. They don't really give her anything to do but she's on screen a lot

it's really weird that sounds right but again i mean i couldn't tell you when i saw it why i saw how i saw it whether i had the sound on the whole thing has the aesthetic quality of a disney channel movie is nicole kidman in that one or is that a a different one? Nicole Kidman's Forever, I think. Right, Matt's nodding? Thank you. Okay, got it. Anyway. This is fun.

It seemed like a good idea. George Clooney as Batman. It seemed like a good idea. Let him have another crack at it. That's what I'm saying. Let him have another butt crack at it. Yeah. Thanks, Janet.

I appreciate it. I'd love to see his butt crack. That was Clooney's actual crack length by the way if you look at the if you look at that movie that is the actual length don't all gentlemen know when they get measured for a suit they have to be able to give their crack length right you don't want to get that wrong you don't want to get the inseam wrong right you know i could see a pretty good good Batman movie with Clooney's crack and Jared Leto shoving something in there.

I'd love to see that. Great. And then they kiss, finally, at the end. And everyone on the internet's happy. Make them. Make them. Someone kiss them. They don't do it.

They don't do it voluntarily. Make them kiss. Make them kiss. I know this is like a small thing to need to parse out, but remind me, was it make Batman kiss the Joker or was it make the two of them kiss? Make Batman kiss the Joker. Okay.

All right. What a fucking bummer it would be for Batman if he misread the moment. Yeah. The Joker was like, I was reaching up because you have a fuzz on your face I lean in to help you You know, the Joker would laugh at him too. Oh, yeah I just don't like you like that. I mean, you're great.

I just got out of a thing and I'm working on me. It's true that we don't get to hear him laugh awkwardly often enough, like when he's just trying to fill an awkward moment. Like, this is weird. Somebody tells a story and you can tell that they think the story is funny, but it's kind of more of a bummer. And then Joker's like, oh, yeah. Great. So what happened with the execs? Sure.

Oh. Well, got to go. Yeah. I'm just going to put my shoes on and leave. I like this guy. I like this Joker. My Joker is very similar to my Crypt Keeper. Can you imagine?

Boys and ghouls. Can you imagine how long it would take the Batman to relace those shoes that he wears? Oh, boy, yeah. I guess they do have a lot of... Are they always relaced or is that a specific Batman? I feel like sometimes it's just like a black molded form. Think about this, Janet. Think about the Joker's's shoes these things are

like two feet long you know the shoes that's a good point they're like clown shoes yeah yeah congress people and such okay all right all right dudesberry rope it in dudesberry um hey uh we got somebody called called in a prank speaking of dastardly jokes and japes yeah matt said this one's totally twisted okay yeah we asked listeners please don't be spider related oh yeah that would be awful because we just talked about spiders and i think people are getting tired of it yeah um yeah we. Last week, we called for prank ideas. I think it was specifically pranks to play on a dentist. I don't know. If it wasn't, who cares?

If it wasn't, who cares? Literally, what is this? Who cares what it is? We're just saying stuff. I got thought of a great idea just now, Jordan. Oh, yeah? Can I run this by you? Sure.

You go to the dentist and you smile. Mm-hmm. And it looks like you have unbelievable, like, Janet Varney-level teeth. Yeah. Great choppers. Like, premium choppers. Great choppers. Chompers.

Jumpers. Jumpers. But then the dentist here is like, and you spit out photorealistic strips with pictures of teeth on it. And all you got behind him is gums. And you go, that'd be funny. That'd be really funny. That fucking dentist would have egg on his face, my friend. What do you even want me to clean?

He'd say. Yeah. Put fluoride in the gums. Yeah. Top that, listener. Dennis would have egg on his face, my friend. What do you even want me to clean, he'd say. Yeah. Put fluoride in the gums, he would say. Yeah, top that, listener. Let's see if your prank is even near as good as that spontaneous one that Jesse just came up with. This listener's prank is probably shit compared to that. Go ahead, play it back. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Matt, and guest, which I'm going to guess is Dr. Dre.

Nope, nope. I take that back. It's Ice Cube. Oh, even closer. Can you pause it for a second, Matt? You guys are actually, Ben asked for. I think Ice Cube is also a good example of a rapper who should have taken a second run at it, name-wise. Like, Ice Cubes are cold.

They're cool. I get it, right? You know? But, I mean, even just cube would be better. Yeah, you're right. Ice would be better. My rap name is Pebble Ice. Practical jokes, or ideas for practical jokes.

So I've got one. This requires two people. So the first person gets a job they get trained and they get a job as a dental hygienist they go to work for a dentist and then once they're firmly established you schedule yourself as a patient so you go in for a cleaning and once you're in rather in there for the cleaning the hygienist does their thing. And then when the dentist comes in, the hygienist locks the door and you subdue the dentist with the anesthesia. So the dentist is completely knocked out. And then you take all of his teeth out and then you

leave. And when the dentist wakes up, he's got no teeth so he's a dentist with similar teeth and i think that's a pretty good uh pretty good practical joke that's good but i'm gonna be honest with you that would be a pretty good hook for a dentist yeah yeah like i don't know if his business is thriving beforehand but yeah like i don't let what happened to me happen to you you know it's kind of a scared straight kind of thing i feel like once you become a dental hygienist what you're not planning on if you're the other half of that prank is the indoctrination that's going to happen. And by the time you're ready to play that prank,

that hygienist is going to be like, I can't do it. I took a vow. Yeah. I know this all started seven years ago as a con. I don't know how long it takes to go through hygienist school. It started as a con, but now I love the game too much.

I'm inside of this thing. Right. And that's my primary concern. And I love a long con. Yeah. This is kind of a Donnie Brasco is what you're positing. Uh-huh. It's a real The Departed.

Yes, it's quite The Departed. Janet, what other vows would you say are taken at a technical college? That's a great question. Aircraft repair. Yeah. HVAC. I think one vow would be like, always have a different story for why you're missing one of your fingers.

Because I did have i think i had two back-to-back shop teachers at the two universities that i went to for theater stuff i both of each one of them was missing part of a finger from using this the saw the table saw um but i feel like that's a thing that comes up a lot is for like people who work with their hands and then their accidents. They feel like the true story of just like being careless and chopping their finger off is a dull tale. And so I think from that issue, a lot of fun, hokey, fake stories. So I would assume that you take some sort of a vow if you're actually in technical school. What about cosmetology

I mean cosmetologists go to the technical school obviously dental hygienists take the first pull no teeth vow at cosmetology school it's not do no parm it's do no perm

yeah you're right not always School it's not do no parm It's do no perm Yeah You're right not always That has to be a place where the rules Can adapt to the times First do no perm Do no perm Why do I even like this I like it so much

First do no perm I feel like this is a string of jokes that get progressively worse because that was a gem and a beauty. But if it's like a, you know, a experimental Italian restaurant, your vow is first do no parm. You know what I mean? Like we can really unpack this in a way that none of us will feel good about. It's not an Italian restaurant I want to go to, Janet, by the way.

Well, to each their own, you know what I mean? Do yes, parm. Capisce? Janet, before we go, I wanted to ask, as someone who grew up in Arizona, did you have to deal with scorpions? Yeah, I mean, I've only seen a couple of scorpions, but apparently when I was a toddler, my dad said that I like bent down. He was across the room and he saw me sort of bend down near the back door inside the house to pick up what he thought was like a crumpled leaf, like a little curled up leaf. And then sort of he just saw it kind of move. And he's like, I've never moved.

So it was one of those stories like I lifted up a car to save your life he's like i've never moved so fast as when i realized it was a scorpion that was like poised to strike right and i scooped you up on the roof and he wrestled that scorpion um yeah so uh but i but i don't remember that but one of my best friends um was stung by a scorpion on two different occasions, two different scorpions across time at her house, her parents' house. Because they were they lived in the middle of the desert and they just left their doors open. Like they were just very. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to give Artsy a bad name because I consider myself Artsy.

But that doesn't translate to the idea of like what what is in the desert she was also uh bitten by uh brown recluse oh my god i think also in her bed and it's like in a wheelchair artsy's dipping your own candles this is just irresponsible so arizona the same as australia yeah pretty much if it's a i would say if it's a desert there's just a lot of stuff in there that it's just trying to protect itself. For some reason, it has to be even more lethal than, I think, unless it's a very lush jungle. I feel like those are the two extreme climates where it's like, oh, that frog will kill you if you look at it. For some reason. Arizona, our most poisonous state.

Yeah. And our most delicious iced tea. That's right. Sure. Well, at least our most voluminous iced tea for 99 cents. Try and get more refreshed for 99 cents. I fucking dare you.

If you have a good prank that you could play on the dentist, or you just saw it on, I read it on the internet. If you have a particularly magical Reddit post that you'd like to share with us, give us a call 206-984-4FUN or just record a voice memo and email it to us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. My name's Doug Duguay, and I'm here to talk about my podcast in the middle of the one you're listening to. It's called Valley Heat, and it's about my neighborhood, the Burbank Rancho Equestrian District, the center of the world when it comes to foosball, frisbee golf, and high-speed freeway

roller skating. And there's been a jaguar parked outside on my curb for 10 months. I have no idea who owns it. I have a feeling it's related to the drug drop that was happening in my garbage can a little over a year ago. And if this has been a boring commercial, imagine 45 minutes of it. Okay, Valley Heat, it's on every month on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. Check it out, but honestly, skip it. These are the Chronicles of the Rancho Equestrian District in Burbank, California. These are the events taking place in my house and around my house. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Hello, sleepyheads. Sleeping with Celebrities is your podcast pillow pal. We talk to remarkable people about unremarkable topics, all to help you slow down your brain and drift off to sleep. For instance, we have the remarkable Neil Gaiman. I'd always had a vague interest in life, culture, food preparation. Sleeping with Celebrities, hosted by me, John Moe, on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Night night.

It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Janet Varney, cube ice. Well, Janet, it's always a joy to see you. Same. I would brave any scorpion to see the great Janet Varney and her legendary jump legendary jumpers well then i have a prank for you my friend whoa get them here in our separate homes that's right the long game yeah always always. Jana, you got anybody cool coming up on the JV Club?

Or recently appearing on the program? Yeah, I mean, there were a couple of folks that I had not yet had on the program as we edged towards a little bit of a drive. I like to call Max Fun Drive. Was very excited to have uh brea on from uh reading glasses gonna be welcoming mallory on probably by the time this airs because it's i'm recording her this upcoming week um and yeah just uh always excited to um celebrate some some max funsters on the podcast always Always excited to celebrate Janet Varney and the JV Club if you want to hear painful tales of adolescence from some of Hollywood's best

and brightest. That's the place to head as far as I'm concerned. I will also mention, by the way, Jordan, while we are shining light on Max Fun Podcast, we just added a few podcasts to Maximum Fun, some really great ones. Our friend John Luke, a longtime writer for International Waters et al., has a new podcast. I did some little bits on that. Those will be airing soon at some point. It's a really, really funny show. I want to plug because I personally recruited this podcast to Maximum Fun, a show called Valley Heat, where there's a lot of Burbank talk on Jordan Jesse Go. And I like to think that when we talk about Burbank, we talk about it in a way that has meaning to people who have never been to Burbank and know nothing about it

because I've barely been to Burbank and I certainly know nothing about it. Valley Heat is like a, it is a sort of community radio show for a particular neighborhood in Burbank, specifically the one where you can ride horses around that we've often talked about on this show. It has nothing to do with Burbank, specifically the one where you can ride horses around that we've often talked about on this show. It has

nothing to do with Burbank, functionally speaking. It is one of the most beautiful and hilarious comedy podcasts in existence. I know so, so many Hollywood bigwigs have plugged it.

There was a big Twitter thread from Patton Oswalt about how it was his favorite thing. So go listen to Valley Heat. I think you'll really like it. Go listen to the JV Club. I think you'll really like it. Go check out all the new shows

from Maximum Fun. And we'll get Christian, the creator of the show, on Jordan Jesse Go sometime soon. But anyway, that's all. Janet, what a joy thank you very much you're the best for having me our producer is matt lieb our theme music is love you by the free design courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records our thanks to both

of them you can find us on social media at put.this.on and at jordan Morris on Instagram at facebook.com slash Jordan Jesse Go. And soon on Instagram for the show. Yeah, that's all. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you.