Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Maximum Fun Drive: May 15th-31st

Episode Date: May 17, 2008

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Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, net live at the Darkroom Theater in San Francisco

as part of the Monsters of Podcasting Tour. Let's go. They're here all the way up from Los Angeles. Please give it up for Jordan Jesse Go Oh man Jordan Jesse Go I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart

I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. They said it along with us, Jordan. We're called Call and Response. Yeah, it's called Call and Response. It's a tenant of African music. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, for those of you who don't know about what we do, this is an African music show. We cover everything from Angelique Kidijoe to Sheun Kuti

real African music artists ladies and gentlemen and the singing lion more African music oh man it's great it's nice it's very I feel good I feel like I'm happy to be here San Francisco this is my home stomping ground

yeah yeah you're a native I grew up literally here. Me too. San Francisco. This is my home stomping ground. Yeah, yeah. You're a native. I actually grew up literally within walking distance. I sued Guerrero between 15th and 16th. It's funny, Bucky has lived here for about as long as I have, although he's a bit older than me. And he, I was thinking about when he was talking about, you know, the different people he would buy junk from. Those were probably the same people that tried to sell me hard drugs when I was eight. When I was eight. Do eight-year-olds buy hard drugs?

Is that a winning proposition, or did they just try and cast the net wide? It's, you know, it's actually hard for me to imagine this world that you two have created, because right now it seems that all, the only thing someone would try and sell me in this neighborhood is vodka that's been infused with something. Yeah.

Like maybe an espresso. Or oxygen. Additional oxygen. Or American apparel. Vodka infused with American apparel, maybe. It's vodka infused

with a creepy rape photo. I thought, I thought, you know. Just inject it in with a syringe. Yeah, absolutely. Well, you steep it. I thought, I thought, you know. Just inject it in with a syringe. Yeah, absolutely. Well, you steep it.

You have to steep it, Jordan. You have to steep it, Jordan. Doesn't even know how to infuse rape into a vodka. Okay, but here's the thing. Like, I thought, growing up here in San Francisco's Mission District, when I went away to college, I thought there's no way that any more yuppie bullshit can emerge in this neighborhood. Like, it's impossible.

It is saturated. It's like when you're making a simple syrup, which is water and sugar, and no more sugar can go into the water. Or so I thought. Until the Kentucky Fried Chicken was closed, then reopened as a high-end restaurant named Spork. This is a real thing.

Was that to chide the Kentucky Fried Chicken that they ran out of business? Yeah, exactly. Was that a little fuck you? Yeah, they're like, fuck you, Kentucky Fried Chicken. Too poor. Dude, you took your poorness literally. You were supposed to take it ironically. We've got coleslaw, but it's got currants in it.

Yeah. Currants. Anyway, Jordan, here's the thing about being in San Francisco. I'm a San Francisco native. You're a native of Orange County, California. This is an area known for its apple bees. So you don't know kind of how San Francisco works. Yeah, yeah.

And what you want to do at the beginning of every show is you want to get the audience on your side. These people hate us. They came here to see Merlin Mann. They were hoping we would have some organizational tips for them. Yeah, exactly. And now they're disappointed. Yeah, anyway. With regard to applets, I don't know. I have nothing on applets.

So what you want to do, this is a San Francisco crowd. What you want to do, Jordan, I'm just going to throw this as just a bone to you. Make fun of Los Angeles and you're good as gold the whole way through. I've tried this in Los Angeles. It doesn't work there, as it turns out. You know, Los Angeles actually doesn't know there's a feud between San Francisco and Los Angeles. Well, you know what? Totally one-sided.

I think that's related to the fact that Los Angeles doesn't know that Los Angeles blows. They seem to think it's good. Like, San Francisco's great. I'd love to move there. Yeah, but I can't. I couldn't wear cargo shorts every day. You know, I actually have some... I have to put on socks.

I have some LAVSF jokes. Oh, perfect! I don't know if you guys want to hear some LAVSF humor, but I've got some. This is perfect. So get ready. There's a hot button. All you've got gotta do is press this

button. In advance, if we have any Angelenos in the crowd, I'm sorry. This is gonna be a little rough. It's all in good fun. Seriously, this guy is like the Sam Kinison of City vs. City jokes. Yes. Get ready for this. This is amazing. I didn't, I was trying to lead into it, but I didn't want to ask

him to do this stuff because it would be, you know, de classe. But this is, you're going to love it. As San Franciscans. We'll cut this out of the broadcast. So here we go. Okay. Okay. How many L.A. guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Gee, I don't know, Jordan. How many L.A. guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's about an hour south of Santa Barbara. Ow! Ooh. Wow. Good one. Good one. Good one.

Build on it. Build on it. What else do we got? Okay. San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom forced the hand of the California Supreme Court when he performed

gay marriages at City Hall. Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa forced the hand of the Supreme Court when he demanded two birthdays

in one year. He wanted two birthdays. The Supreme Court had to rule on that. Yeah. Fuck you, Los Angeles! Am I right? What a bullshit city. And I got, uh... I got one more.

Okay, one more. Just one more. Let's kill him with this one. San Francisco is well-known for its congressional representative, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. This one's too mean. It's so mean. Los Angeles is also well known for its representative,

the bum with the sign that says, I eat garbage. Yeah, take that, Los Angeles! Boom! Cut right to the bone, those did. I know, man. I don't think Los Angeles is ever going to get up again. No, down for the count.

Is it down for the count? Down for the count. I'm sorry. That was a poor turn of phrase. Before we veer too far from the topic, can I tell a quick drug story? I want to hear a drug story. Sure. You know me, Jesse.

I'm not a drug guy. No, but I'm hooked on junk. You wouldn't call me drug guy. Anyway, but I actually went out on a limb. I'm 26 years old and actually bought drugs for the first time the other day. I'd never done it before. You would use the drugs of others on occasion. Sure, right.

And now I had to purchase drugs for myself. It was time. There comes a time, right? And Jesse, had to purchase drugs for myself. It was time. There comes a time, right? And Jesse, you're familiar and you're not a drug. You've never even used another's drugs. No, I've never used any drugs. So I don't know if you're aware of the stereotype of the drug dealer that makes you

hang out. Yeah, the drug dealer wants you, he wants to sell you drugs. He also wants to be your friend because he's stoned and no one actually likes him. If there are some non-drug people in the crowd, this is – the stereotype is that you have to block out – if you want to buy drugs, you have to block out a certain portion of your day to hang out a little bit with the drug dealer so you keep a good relationship with him. Anyways, and this guy that I was going to was just no exception. And this guy that I was going to was just no exception. He, I guess, is kind of a weird, like, trust fund guy and makes kind of these weird black and white porno movies where women are wearing bird masks.

Yeah, sure. And he composes all the music for them himself. Yeah. So he's like, and historically you'll have to. But seriously, the music is like really. It's key, you know. Yeah, it really takes it to another level. Anyway, it's hard to describe yeah um anyway so so you know this guy you uh you know people like all right we'll just get ready to watch some crazy bird porno and like you bullshit with him anyway so i went in there

uh it was you know kind of exciting it's an exciting situation for me. A new situation. And I did it. I blocked out some time. I'm like, alright, I'm noon to two. I'm going to leave to hang out with the drug dealer. And so I go in there. I give him the money. Gives me a little bag. He's like, well, see you later. And I was so hurt.

I have never felt so slighted before in my life. He did not care to hang out with me. That's terrible. It's horrible. I know, right? It's because... I'm fun.

You strike me as a fun guy. I enjoy avian porn. It's your favorite porn. And my favorite flu. And seriously, you have a lot of porn. I know. But mostly it's, you know, bird... Ever since you found that site... Sure. It's a pay site, but you're's, you know, bird. Ever since you found that site.

Sure. It's a pay site, but you're willing to go the distance. Yeah, I mean, you know, it helps my quality. And I want to support something that I like. Yeah, absolutely. Bluejaycum.net. Yeah. The thing is, is.com was taken.

Yeah. It's a whole other thing. Yeah, it's actually applicationscom was taken. Yeah. It's a whole other thing. Yeah, it's like, yeah, it's actually applications for your iPhone. Yeah. Blue J, C-U-M. Sure. C-U-M stands for applications for your iPhone. So, Jesse, do you want to?

Okay, let's do this. Okay. So we figured, since this is a podcast event, there's probably going to be some really giant nerds here, and we're not accepting ours. Let's be clear. We're not accepting ourselves from that definition. No, no, no, no, no. I think if you listen to the show,

I think we've outed some of our nerdier leanings and some of our more unpleasant moments of our life. Look, I went to a Society for American Baseball Research convention when I was 17. I went to a Society for American Baseball Research convention when I was 17. I flew to Florida to hang out with old men who only wanted to talk about the Brooklyn Dodgers. There was a 19th century baseball game where you weren't allowed to wear mitts or shoes. Apparently in the 19th century they didn't wear shoes.

I hosted a college radio show where I played ska music. So we're not... In 2001. We're not accepting ourselves. This was not 1982. No. Where that was cool.

No, absolutely not. This is not... This isn't, you know, late 50s, early 60s Jamaica. No, I wasn't, yeah, I wasn't on a pirate radio station in Jamaica. No. No, man. No.

So we're not accepting ourselves. No, no, absolutely. But we, and I think something that you have to be aware of when you're a podcaster is you have to kind of know your audience and kind of maybe embrace your audience a little closer than if, say, we were making a TV show or a symphony. You have to get on the wavelength, Jordan. Would you say that's fair? Get on the wavelength. Everybody should be surfing the same wave.

It's a metaphor. I don't want to get too complicated here, but you want to surf the same wave. Right. On a board. I don't know know it's like they took that seriously it's as though they thought i really was lecturing them or i really did think they were stupid maybe they actually want some advice out of this okay well fair enough listen go ahead jordan oh anyways whatever so go ahead jesse and i why don't you just host the show i thought we were co-hosting the show

No, I'm the host, you're the sidekick And I was kind of the elephant in the room, I guess But, you know, it's fine I just thought we would open one of those restaurants That Merlin, Scott, and Adam were talking about earlier Oh, yeah, yeah To warm up for it a little bit Where in the table next to you

two podcasters are finally admitting to each other which one is the host and which one is the sidekick seriously jordan's on television he's not a i'm a professional podcaster and jordan has a job at the end of the day that's what's important jordan works for living like a normal person and i just sit at home and talk to my dog. On with our thing. Okay, this is the thing. So we thought there would be some cool nerds, and we thought what we need to do is look out into the audience

and be able to pick the nerd that we will know. Everyone here is going to be a nerd, and if you think you're not a nerd, think again, Ace. So Jesse and I kind of Playground kickball style Want to go out into the audience We want to choose our nerd And see if we know them the best And obviously if coming up on stage

Makes you ill feel free to turn us down But I was thinking I was sitting in the audience earlier And I was looking over the audience And there's a guy back here He's all the way on this side But I was thinking, I was sitting in the audience earlier, and I was looking over the audience, and there's a guy back here. He's all the way on this side. He's got a striped shirt on and a sport coat.

Would you be willing to be on my team? This is a team thing. Okay, come on up. Get up here. Come on, Stripey. Let's give Stripes a hand. You have a seat right here, sir, in the center chair. I'm actually going to go, and Jesse, feel free to get to know your dorkus.

I'm going to go into the audience and pick one. Okay, Jordan's picking his nerd. Now, just talk right into that microphone. What's your name? Chad. Okay, Chad. What do you do for a living, Chad? I'm a computer programmer.

Yeah, he is. Okay, good. Okay. Now, this is basically how this is going to work once Jordan picks his nerd um each of us we have this list of questions they're nerd questions and us and our nerd will each get a point if the answer to the nerd question is yes so So, Jordan, here's your nerd. I know I'm taking a chance. So, I have a seat. Have a seat right here. Sit down in this chair. Welcome

to the program. What's your name? Bobby. Bobby, it's great to have you on the show. My nerd's name is Corduroy Jacket Guy. Okay, there's a microphone over there, Jordan, you can use. Yeah, don't worry about it. It's great.

It's going to be awesome. Everything is going to go great. Bobby, I'm Jordan. Nice to meet you. We haven't introduced. Okay. I'm going to pick my question. This is basically Jordan and I are each going to ask our nerds a question.

And if it's a yes, if the answer to the question is a yes, then both us and our nerd will get one point. And if it's a no, we'd like to give the other nerd a chance to steal. Yeah, to steal. That's called going for the steal. Now, we have this list of nerd questions that we prepared ahead of time. And the strategy in this, and don't think that there's no strategy in this. The strategy in this is we have to get on the same wavelength with our nerd and figure out which nerd question is going to hit

pay dirt. Are you ready, Jordan? I'm ready. Do you want to go first? I'll go first. I'm ready. Okay. What's your name again, nerd? Chad. Okay, Chad. Chad, have you ever cross your fingers audience you're all rooting for Jordan have you ever overclocked anything? Have you ever overclocked anything? At work, does that count? Work counts.

Yes! That's a point for me! Overclocking is when you open up your computer and do something to it to make it go faster but somehow more dangerous. It can break. It can break. You can break it.

Okay. One to nothing, Jordan. I know. I can... Come on. I don't think you can come back. I don't think you can come back. Joe, did you ever have a conversation...

Did you ever have a conversation about the recent Iron Man movie where you raised your voice yes yes just curious Joe what was it what made you raise your voice

oh how it was like a superhero movie about the suit I thought that was kind of cool Yeah, I don't know That's good too, because why would you have A movie about people or emotions When you could have a movie About non-feeling robots

Oh, and one-liners Yeah, and one-liners, exactly Okay, Chad, it's tied up We can do this though, can you want to hold my hand? Um Gross Okay, Chad, it's tied up. We can do this, though. Do you want to hold my hand? Gross. Okay, Chad, I'm going to go. I'm taking it basically up to 10. Have you ever gone to a convention that you were not required to attend for work?

It may have had some ancillary benefits for your work life, but you weren't required to go to it for work, where one of the goals of going to the convention was to have sex. Like with a fellow conventioneer. Doesn't have to be a sex convention. No, sorry. He's not a, what, you think he's not a... I thought he might have gone to an anime convention or something.

I've never been to a convention of any sort. Okay, well, good on you, Jack. He's a shut-in, Jesse. Can we go to Joe? Should we go to Joe for this deal? Yeah, Joe? Yeah, name's Bobby, by the way. Oh, Bobby.

I was saying Joe this whole time. I was thinking it was like a joke or something. I was like, I'll just play along with it. That's me, always saying the wrong name. That really, the sad part is that it's me. The late George Carlin had the seven words you can't say on television, and I have saying the wrong name. It's my famous bit.

So the answer to the question is no. Wait, no, that's good for me. That's fine. Okay, Jordan, your turn. I don't think we thought out the scoring of this very closely. Yeah. All right. Okay.

Okay. Does your DVD collection have a separate area for boxed sets? Actually, no. They're all alphabetical. Oh! Wow! I feel like that all alphabetical. Oh! I feel like that should be something. Can we go to Chad for the steal here? Okay, just to be clear,

so in your DVD collection, there's season four of... So Firestarter is right next to season four of Futurama. Can I ask you this question? Okay. Joe, let me ask you this question. Are they alphabetical by Asian country of origin? Or by coded region?

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Here we go. Chad, are you ready for this? I'm ready. Okay. Okay.

Chad, are you ready for this? I'm ready Have you ever had a t-shirt That you had to explain To a member of your family? For instance, have you had to tell your dad What pwned meant? That's just an example It does not have to literally be pwned

It's likely to be in what's called leet speak. Not really, unfortunately. I had one that said slacker, and I don't think my parents got the irony there. Yeah. The irony? I'm an overachiever. Oh, you're an overachiever You're a successful guy

You're a successful guy Gotcha Alright, so this is for the win So if we get this Yeah, okay His name is Bobbis Barbis

Biobi Barabbas Have you ever used a website Barbis. Biobi. Barabis. Have you ever used a website other than MySpace or Facebook to facilitate sex? For instance, have you ever hooked up on Twitter or Flickr? Oh, now, let me be clear, Bobby. Onanism or self-pleasure does not count. This is 2008. No.

No? Have you at least used MySpace or Facebook to have sex? Have you had sex? Maybe. Okay, well. Chad, for the steal, have you ever used a website other than MySpace or Facebook Okay, well... Chad, for the steal, have you ever used a website other than MySpace or Facebook?

Perhaps the Penny Arcade fan forums. No. Wait, can I throw one out to both of them? Sure. This is sort of related to the convention question. Have you ever worn a costume on a day other than Halloween

with one of your goals being to have sex? Where sex was in your mind. You're wearing a costume, it's not Halloween, and you're not certain it's going to get you laid, but you figure, this is such a great Conan,

Spider-Man, Japanese thing. No? Godzilla. You know what we learned from this? You know who the real winner is? Them for being less nerdy than us. They're better than what we suspected. Congratulations, guys.

Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. That's fun. That's called a nerd-off, ladies and gentlemen. A nerd-off. That's a nerd-off. You know what, Jordan?

Yes. I feel like this is a great time. Ordinarily, this is the time when the show would flag. Sure. But instead, we're going to introduce... Yeah, it would flag. They would tire. The audience would tire of us.

Yeah. I mean, they have tired of us, but they would tire of us further, more vocally. But I want to introduce a wild card. Do you feel like I can introduce a wild card? Yeah, please do. What's this show called, Jordan? Not Jordan Jesse Go. What's the overall overarching name of this show?

Monsters of Podcasting. Monsters of Podcasting. Now, are there other podcasts besides Jordan Jesse Jesse, Go, and You Look Nice Today? I guess. No, it's incorrect. Incorrect. There are. There is one other podcast.

It's called The Coil and Sharp Podcast. Now, this is a popular podcast. I believe it's an award-winning podcast, if I'm not mistaken. It's of field recordings, hidden field recordings taken in San Francisco in the 1960s by Jim Coyle and Mal Sharp, one of my favorite podcasts, not least of which because I have to edit it and put it on my website.

But Mal Sharp, who you may also know from KCSM Radio right here in the San Francisco Bay Area or from his hot jazz band, The Big Money in Jazz Band, which plays all over North Beach all the time, is our special guest. Please welcome Mal Sharf.

Hi, Mal. What a great show. Isn't this a great show? This is a great show. This is so much fun. I was just thinking that same thing. I was like, God, this is amazing. We are so good. Isn't this a great show? This is a great show. This is so much fun. I was just thinking that same thing. I was like, God, this is amazing. We are so good.

Isn't this an amazing show? Isn't this a lousy show? Now, Mal, you were telling me you're a longtime San Franciscan or Bay Area resident since the late 1950s. Since 1959 or so. You've been playing the trombone a long time. That's right. And this part of Mission Street has been shitty for a long time. And you actually interacted with the shittiness of this part of Mission Street.

I'm glad you picked up on that. I bet you this to Jesse outside there. I was walking down the street to come down here, and right next door is the Eagle Loan Company. You know that, do you see it next door here? No, to be clear, for people who are listening, yeah, this isn't a home loan company. They're not doing home equity loans at this place.

It's not a mortgage thing. It's where you go with your belongings, if you have belongings. Your last belongings, specifically. What's your last? So, let's see. Usually the guitar. Yeah, exactly.

That's it, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Now, Mal doesn't know how to play the guitar yeah exactly that's it exactly yeah yeah now Mal doesn't know how to play the guitar but he does know how to play I was playing the trombone in like 1961

in North Beach but things got really bad we were giving blood over at the hospital over here Jim Coyle and I pushing his hard car down the street

because we didn't have enough money to get gas to get to the what's the place down here the what's that hospital you know I'm pointing right behind me here

General the General Hospital yeah we pushed the car down here? What's that hospital? You know, I'm pointing right behind me here. General? The General Hospital. Yeah, we pushed the car down there because we didn't have any gas until we gave blood, and then we got gas, and then we could drive home. But anyway, that was that kind of existence. Anyway, I can't remember the specific thing

because I just walked down here tonight, and there was the Eagle Loan Company, and sometime in 1961, I hocked my trombone there, you know. And then you carry around for years that Eagle Loan thing in your wallet. You've never had it. Thinking you're going to go back. You're looking at me like, so you've never pawned anything, have you? No.

No, you have friends that will lend you $60. Sure, sure. I'm a professional podcaster. I've never owned anything. That's right. Podcasters are so wealthy. And I do bum fights.

I'll dress up as a bum and then wait for someone to pay me to fight a real bum. That's what Jordan does for money. Sort of a last minute. Just beat you up and leave money in your pocket. Sort of a last minute type of deal. It's awesome to have you here, Mal. It's an awesome pleasure, a tremendous pleasure.

I just thought, you know those guys that try to hustle you in the cars? We're coming over here, you know, every intersection. If you got out and like jumped them and took their money, you know. Well, okay. It was just a thought. Yeah, you're just different. We're just doing fundraising ideas here. Just spitballing.

Just spitballing. Yeah, right. It's funny, though, the way you flash on things. We were walking down 16th Street, and I remember the time when me and my mom were walking to church, and some angry youths threw batteries at us from the top of the projects. So anyway, a lot of great fun. Well, to be fair, you were walking. Yeah, no, I was walking.

It's true. Like you did. You know, I wonder if we could break through the wall tonight into the Eagle Lone and get the trombone back. Yeah. It's probably still sitting in there. All of us could go in there and hack on the wall right away. You have an army of nerds at your disposal. Command them to break down the wall.

We'll dig with our little rectangular eyeglasses all the way to the Eagle Lone. Jordan, my favorite part of every Jordan-Jesse-Go program, when it's on the Jordan-Jesse-Go program. Sure. That was an awkward turn of... Your favorite recurring segment. My favorite recurring segment... When it appears. ...is a little something called Would You Rather.

Now, we've got a few Would You Rather fans out there. Now, you may have played Would You Rather at your summer camp, your summer job, summer vacation. Sure. summer house. Summer sausage. You might have played it at the sausage. Summer stock production. Some affluent thing you guys have done. Exactly.

One of the many awesome things. We mostly summer. What's funny is a lot of people will summer in the Hamptons during the summer. I summer all year round. Blue blazer, folks. So, we want to welcome to the stage now the master of Would You Rather, the one and only, king

of the Would You Rather, Mr. Jim Rao. Jim? Here he comes. Very handsome. You might know him as the master of Would You Rather. You might know him as a staff scientist at a science company that he works at. Jim Rao. It's great to have you here, Jim. Hey, it's great to be here with you guys. This is always fun. Just for the sake of it. I'll just squat here. No chair for you, Jim okay so now just for your benefit I'll explain to you what we're about to do Jim is gonna give us a dichotomy a choice between two options it may be they may be two good options they may be two good options. They may be two bad options.

But it is our job to choose among them. Now, obviously, Jim is the master of would you rather. So if we have any questions or need clarification about the options, Jim will be more than happy to provide same. Then we'll kibitz hilariously for a few minutes about the two possibilities. We'll schlep around the stage. Exactly. These yutzes are real menches. And we'll...

What? At the end of the Hava Nagila, we... We'll go to a big Hanukkah. And... Can you say it say Hanukkah? Bar Mitzvah bagel.

And we're out of here. Good night, folks. Finally, Israel. Thank you. We will each make our selection. We will each make a final decision. Then Jim, as the master of Would You Rather, will inform us whether we are correct or incorrect. Jim, what is this master of Would You Rather, will inform us whether we are correct or incorrect.

Jim, what is this week's Would You Rather? Okay. Would you rather be able to control the length of your hair purely by thought power, or would you rather be able to juggle anything? Jim, that suggests a question to me. I'm going to say it. Repeat that one more time. I lost my thought.

I mean, I got so engrossed in both. Would you rather be able to control the length of your hair through the power of thought or be able to juggle anything? Okay, Jim, this immediately suggests a question to me, which is this. Let's say I could control the length of my hair through the power of thought. Would this reverse my growing baldness? I thought you'd ask that, Jesse.

And fuck you, Jim. You can only control the length of hair that you have. So you can't grow more. You can't get that comb over you've been wanting. Right? Now, Jim, is this only head hair or does this include other types of hair? Hair. And it can go shorter or longer?

Shorter or longer. And body hair is included. So you could make body hair shorter yes jordan he's her suit he's a her suit man oh okay i for some reason thought you were you were trying to imply that you were like giving me a blow job and the hair was a problem no i'm like that's not necessary. Oh, wait. I would never imply something like that.

That was completely explicit, I thought. I thought that was right on the face of things. For the listeners at home, he did draw a picture of it. Yeah. And I did fillet him on microphone. Okay. Jim, this is something that I'm wondering about this. I know that I can control the length of the hair on my head.

Can I only control it all at once, or can I control each hair individually? That's a really good question. I know, thanks. Yes, yes you can. No, that's not an answer. Yes, you can. It's not an answer. I gave you two choices. The second one, yeah. Okay, thanks. Yes, yes you can. No, that's not an answer. Yes you can. That's not an answer. I gave you two choices. The second one, yeah.

Okay, individually. Or you could just say, I want my left eyebrows to do this. Wow. This is, okay, I want to know, how tough is it? Do people just want us to be over? Some circus enthusiasts out there. Do people just want us to be over? Some circus enthusiasts out there. The guy out there who rode the unicycle to the show is saying,

juggle, juggle, juggle, juggle. Now, the growing of the hair, can you maybe demonstrate? The growing of the hair? Can you show us that? Can you demonstrate the strain you have to go through to grow the hair? Because I'm envisioning, if it's a quick and effortless thing like blinking, I kind of envision me performing this kind of rhythmic laser show to classic rock where my hair is getting longer and shorter.

I've got two tickets to paradise. And the hair goes up and down. My eyebrows are doing something now. Okay, so what are you asking? Is it easy enough to do it to where I can make a rhythmic hair show? I mean, you can't do it. Look, Jim, we don't have a lot in the way of job prospects, so what we want to know is can we take this on tour?

You can't make lightning quick length changes, but it's not a slow process. It's fairly rapid. It's visual. You can see it. Yes. That's interesting. Yeah, that's good. Now, what about this? With regard to this juggling anything, when you say anything, do you mean literally anything? Like, do I get the strength of a woman whose baby is pinned underneath a car?

No, no. You can... Just things you can lift. Just things, yeah. There's not a lot of things I can lift, Jim. I'm going to be honest with you. Mal, anything? Yeah, I just wanted to know, like, when your hair contracts, when it contracts, does it, like, pull back into your body? Does your head get bigger? Does your head get stuffed with hair?

You know what I'm saying? Will it keep my tiny brain from sloshing around in my enormous head? Suddenly the hair is all around your brain and coming out of your nose. When you open your mouth, there's hair in your throat. It's nothing dangerous. It doesn't make you look disfigured in any way.

As long as you don't open your mouth. You don't want to open your mouth. You don't have a store of hair is what you're saying. It's magic. Wow, this is really tough. Okay, now when you say I can juggle anything, how many of anything can I juggle?

You can juggle as high as you can throw something, you can juggle more and more. You can pick up a cat, a knife, and a book. Now, again, I can't throw anything very high. You can't, but by anything,

you know, I mean, this is only physical objects. You can't juggle ideas like, you know, freedom. That's stupid. What about punctuation marks? Yeah, yeah.

Can you juggle punctuation marks like commas and exclamation points? Ellipses. That would be... Yeah, ellipses. Three ellipses. Can you juggle a really demanding hobby and being a stay-at-home mom? That's good. Thank you.

Maybe that'll be part of the Would You Rather for next week. Jim's getting snippy. He doesn't like our abstractions. Right, right, right. Jim's like, come on. This is Would You Rather. Be serious. No bullshit.

I think I'm ready to rock. I think I know. Wait, no. I have one more question I need to ask. We're just getting into this. Mel's just warming up. Yeah, right. Mel took a nap this afternoon so. We're just getting into this. Mel's just warming up. Mel took a nap this afternoon so that he would be ready for this.

I did at North Beach. I was sleeping in my car. People thought I was dead, but it's true. But it's cool because you found out how much people love you in North Beach. Yeah, you're right. You wake up and your car's covered with wreaths. You're at an Italian parade taking you to that big church in Washington Square.

This feels really good. This feels really good. Now, Jim, Morrissey is singing a song about you for some reason. Jim, I want to be clear. I'm not a hairstylist now. But would I be able to style my own hair through the power of my mind, and how good would the styling be? Like on a scale of you let your RA cut your hair because she's cute to Vidal Sassoon.

No, you cannot style your hair through your mind. It's pure length. It's just a length thing. So the best I could do is maybe longer, just like I could focus on regions or something like that. Could you have it jump out suddenly and catch insects or people or beautiful like bank tellers. It's just going to come out just like limp hair. You have such an uninspired view of this. It's a great question

but a very dull. It should be aggressive demon hair. Jim, don't you have dreams? When did you get so fucking cynical? Let's go beyond this. Jim, do you ever think of anything that's bigger than just some pedestrian bullshit,

like being able to control the length of your hair with your mind? Like, stop focusing on the little shit, like being able to juggle as many random things as you can throw up into the air and start dreaming big, Jim. I want to go home now. No, I'm ready to make a decision. I'm ready. I got one. I got one.

Okay. How are you feeling, Mal? Are you ready? Do you need any further clarification? I don't quite understand the end of all this. I mean, I didn't know. I didn't understand the middle. I'm quite sure of your role.

It was all pretty funny. I don't understand the wrap-up. What happens now? He's the handsome one that people like. That's his role. We make a decision, and then I think we go home. And then Jim tells us whether we're right or wrong. Jim has to tell us whether we're right or wrong.

Each one of us is right or wrong? This is humiliating. No, he's going to tell us overall. Okay. Jordan, you seemed really decided. What was your selection? I am going to say juggling. Yeah!

Why? Why is that? Why would you do that? Because I can make a show out of it and apparently there's no kind of theatrical value in this hair growing if I can't do it rhythmically

to classic rock. And I can rhythmically juggle to classic rock, so I'm going to go juggling. You could probably juggle, like, sweet guitars. Sure, absolutely. Like rock guitars? Mm-hmm. Electric guitars.

Those are the kinds used in rock music. If I'm not mistaken. Correct me if I'm wrong. Yes, so I'm saying juggling. Okay, juggling. What about you, Mel? I'm just getting so I'm saying juggling okay juggling what about you Mel I'm just getting started on the hair thing myself yeah

I think there's a lot of directions to go with this so I'm going with the hair expanding contracting but not with the limited view you have of the hair thing I'm still not convinced that hair could fill your knees

you know what I mean that you couldn't use it to grab a bird out of the air. You could float up in the air and drift across San Francisco on hair. God damn it, Jim. Please tell us. Which of these can we use to grab a bird out of the

air? For fuck's sake, Raelle. Juggle nets. Did you hear somebody was trying to start a chant of grab that bird? Grab that bird. I'm surprised it's been the only chant so far. You people aren't chanting nearly enough.

This is supposed to be the chantingest city on earth. Isn't that the nickname of San Francisco? You're thinking of Chancington. Wait. Chancington, Vermont? It's not the hissingest city on earth. It's not the hating us the most city on earth. Well, this is the thing, Vermont. It's not the hissingest city on Earth. It's not the hating us the most city on Earth. Well, this is the thing, Jordan.

I mean, you still live in Santa Cruz, so you can't say stuff like this. But after four years at the University of California, Santa Cruz, if I never experienced circus skills again in my life, I would be a very, very, very happy man. Irrespective, I mean, even at the circus. If I went to the circus right now, I would want to see like a concert. Like practical skills. Yeah. Like to see some woodworking. Yeah, exactly.

I would settle for a caber toss. You know, the Scottish games if I went to the circus. I don't want any clowning. I don't want anyone on unicycles. I don't want any clowning. I don't want anyone on unicycles. I don't want anyone juggling. Nothing that you would see at Burning Man. The little Harlequin hat. The little Harlequin hat.

No, God, no. Please no Harlequin hat. For those of you who aren't familiar, Santa Cruz has a lot of hippie shit. Yeah. So just for clarification. And also, I just think it would be cool to just pick my look every day. Like today, I'm George Carlin, 1964 Like today, I'm George Carlin, 1964. Today, I'm George Carlin, 1969.

You see what I'm saying? So I'm going with, I also want to celebrate my hair while it's still here. So it's sort of like, you know, doing a little something for the earth. In this case, I'm doing a little something for my hair, you know, so that I can take some pictures and my children can know what I once looked like. So I'm going with... Back before the manatees were extinct. Yeah, exactly. So I'm going with the hair. Jim, you ready to tell us who was correct

and who was incorrect? Yeah, well, even though it's not as exciting as Mal was hoping, Mal and Jesse chose correctly. What? All right, Jesse. Yeah! Why? Well, because the...

For those of you at home, Jesse was just denied a high five. I want to juggle with hair. I was hoping that there'd be a little more debate. But being able to control the length of your hair is more helpful. It's more practical in the long run. Juggling is, you know, it's okay, I guess. Now, you know, for the audience who's at home, they can't see us, I don't want to get too explicit about the hair differences between myself and Mal and Jim and Jordan.

Yeah. But let's just say that some people have a gift, you know? And some people really appreciate, some people take the time to really appreciate what God gave them or in our case, left them with. Left them, yeah, taking away. Well, Jim, thank you so much. Jim Rayal, the master of Would You Rather.

Thank you. Mal Sharp, thank you so much. Thank you. Mal Sharp. This is a great, this is the greatest thing I've ever been involved in. Thank you. This is the most intriguing and meaningful moment

I've spent in a long time. Thank you, ladies, and thank you, Mal Sharp, so very much. Here today, gone right now. Yay, yes. Nice. Mal Sharp.

If ever there was a man who was a San Francisco legend, Mr. Mal Sharp. Mr. Mal Sharp. Jordan, are you ready for the big finale? I am. Are the You Look Nice

Today cast member hosts available to come to the stage? Looks like we've got Merlin Mann. Looks like we've got Mr. Scott Simpson. And who's that? Lonely Sandwich, known to his mother and closest friends as Mr.

Adam Lissagor? Come on in. Doesn't matter. Ladies and gentlemen, you look nice today joining us on stage. Have a seat, Adam. Merlin Mann's gone. I don't know what happened to Merlin Mann. Where is Merlin? Oh, come on on stage, asshole. Get out here. Okay, so what we thought we would do is, given this press conference-like setup, we thought you guys are probably here because you love Steampunk, you love Twitter, and you want to ask questions. You have a favorite one of the panel up here, and there's a question that's been burning you up from the inside out that you'd like to direct to one of us up here um so we're just going to take a couple little just a couple minutes just

a couple minutes of q a we just want to i mean we just want to blow this thing out with some really some fun talk and just let you get to know one of us you know what i mean really get inside so yeah just raise your hand and and i'll I'll come to you with the mic. Okay, we got right here. We got a question. Just say who you want to direct the question toward. We got a question right here in the front row. Say who the question is for.

Okay, my name is Leah and it's for everybody. Just try and point the question towards one person. I don't think they'll take too long. Okay, it's for everybody? No, we're going to need this question directed... Okay, this is for Jesse. What did you remember the first thing you ever wanted to be when you were a little kid?

The first thing I ever wanted to be... I'm going to go ahead and jump in right here. Do you mind? Can I just quickly? Jesse... Jesse... Jesse grew up in San Francisco in a really different time. And he was surrounded by people.

He was surrounded by nurses and firemen and nurse men and fire ladies. Salt of the earth. Tranny. Yeah, exactly. Tranny salt of the earth. The kind of people you want to kind of have a beer with and then leave kind of quickly. And I think Jesse, early on,

he understood that his vocation was something that was going to take him to wonderful places in kind of a Dr. Seuss way. And I think from early on, Jesse realized that he wanted to be maybe a cowboy. I think that was a popular thing at the time because in his neighborhood there were a lot of men walking around dressed as cowboys

yeah I think when you really spend a lot of time between the billboards and the guys with the hats there's a lot of mustaches and ropes and I think Jesse he's a man who enjoyed the wild west so Jesse wanted to be a cowboy anybody else questions for someone we got one dead center all the way in the back Jesse, he's a man who enjoyed the Wild West. So, yeah. So, Jesse wanted to be a cowboy.

Anybody else? Questions? For someone up here. We got one dead center all the way in the back. I don't think you're going to make it back there. Just holler at us. This is from Merlin. So, at the awkward restaurant, you say that you've got to kind of poke the bruise and you get rewarded.

Are some of the awkward situations trick questions? Like, the pregnant waitress is actually just fat. You call it out. No croutons on your salad? Yeah, sure. I can take that one. Oh, sure. Jordan, you want to take that one? Yeah, you can go ahead and take that one.

No, Jordan, you can go ahead and take that one. Okay, I'm going to go ahead and take this one. It was actually just kind of a comedy bit, and Merlin hadn't thought it out that good, and would rather stop talking about it. Yeah. Any other questions out here? For a member of the panel. I need to wrap it up.

Questions out here. We got a question from me out there, dead center. If Jesse actually answered this one, that'd be nice. Sure. What's your favorite type of tie for your necktie? Yeah, that's a good question. It's a Windsor. Next.

You wear a lot of them. Yeah, it's... Anybody else? What do we got out here? Questions for the panel. Questions for the panel. What do we got back... Oh, back there in the white hat.

It's a lady. It's a lady back there. We've got a lady back there. Will you all do the fish stick? I'll take that one. I'll take that one. No, but good reference. Good reference.

Okay, questions out there. Questions for anyone. We'll take one more awesome question. I see that you guys are all bubbling over with big questions here. And just, I should clarify one thing. There will be a winner in the questioning period. So we should have said that going in to get the competitive juices flowing, so to speak. Question.

Okay, we got one right there. This gentleman. Do you find me attractive? Who is that directed to? Adam. You know what? Let's huddle. Let's huddle.

Let's bring it in. Bring it in. You know, he's actually, I could do worse. I could do a lot worse. I've had some experiences that were very awkward. Seriously? Yes.

Yes, the answer is yes. That's a winner. That seems like a winner. Look, yeah, I think we're done with the questions. We've only got one more arrow left in our quiver of entertainment, but I think it's going to be a good arrow. Scott, you've been pretty quiet so far.

Do you want to tell these people what they've got in store for them? Listen, folks. And I want you to greet this with a riotous round of applause because it's going to be the end of the show when Scott announces the one final amazing spectacular truly beautiful mind-blowing thing we have in store for you cake We brought cake! We brought cake! We brought cake! We brought cake! We brought cake! We brought cake! Thank you guys so much. You've been the monsters of podcasting.

There will be cake! There's cake right here. Cake. Or over there. Cake. Cake. love you love you love you love you love you love you love you

love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you

love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you

love you thanks for listening to this week's Jordan Jesse Go our sponsor on Jordan Jesse Go is the Español Interactivo Language School in Oaxaca, Mexico. They're online at studiespanishinoaxaca.com. You can visit their website, and if you sign up for their classes and or homestays, well, they'll give you 10% off for being a Jordan Jesse Go listener. They study Spanish in an interactive style. You can stay in a hotel or an apartment, or you can stay with a Mexican family and learn to speak Spanish that much better and faster.

And it's all in beautiful Oaxaca, Mexico, which I have been to, and is really totally amazing and really, really great and probably the best place in Mexico that isn't scary for a random white person from the United States to go to or a random person from the United States of any other ethnicity. Study Spanish in Oaxaca.com. And Oaxaca, by the way, is spelled O-A-X-A-C-A. Study Spanish in Oaxaca.com That's it for another Jordan Jesse Go program. I've been Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart,

on behalf of Jordan Morris, boy detective. If you're interested in bringing the monsters of podcasting to your town, email me, jesse, at MaximumFun.org. We had a really great time and sold a bunch of tickets, so we're kind of into doing this, you know? Hey, listen, Bucky Sinister, our good pal and past Jordan Jesse Go guest,

hosted the Monsters of Podcasting show in San Francisco. If you'd like to hear Bucky's set, you can visit us online at maximumfun.org and look for the post for this week's Jordan Jesse Go program. We'll also link to this week's You Look Nice Today program, or you can find You Look Nice Today online at YouLookNiceToday.com.

It's one of my absolute favorite podcasts. It's really great. You should totally check it out. There's a reason it's one of the monsters of podcasting. We'll see you next time on Jordan Jesse Go.