Jordan, Jesse, GO! - My Tea Grew Cold Beside Me, with Rob Kutner

Episode Date: August 31, 2023

This week we welcome writer Rob Kutner back to the podcast during the middle of Hurricane Hilary. We talk hurricane preparedness, a Burbank children's spa, and Rob's new book “Snot Goblins and Other Tasteless Tales”Come see Jordan, Jesse, Go! live at the London Podcast Festival in London, England at on September 14th. Buy tickets now at MaximumFun.org/events.Try StitchFix today at www.Stitchfix.com/JJGO and you’ll get 25% off when you keep everything in your Fix.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Well, greetings from the end of the world here. We're recording this week's Jordan Jesse Goh from a tropical storm that also contained an earthquake so yeah uh hey uh i got a message for the uh writer's room of today that's a hat on a hat folks that's a hat on a hat folks that's a hat on a hat who's writing today is it uh is it

deadpool oh this is okay is it a writer is it a writer's room composed of Deadpool and the Joker? Jeez Louise. Somebody call Sly because this is over the top. Yeah, I'm just kind of recycling all the bad Twitter jokes. Sorry, ex-jokes from today. And, you know, in two weeks when we look back on this, you know, we can all agree that maybe we should have put a little more thought into those jokes.

You got to get them up first. That's true. And when you say in two weeks when we look back on this, you mean when people are listening to this episode? Yeah, yeah. With this fresh live content? Mm-hmm. Yeah, we are recording from the LA's first hurricane since 1939.

A huge hurricane head over here. So I just had that date off the dome. Great. Thank God. And yeah, next thing you know, we're going to get the rain of chimichangas a huge hurricane head over here so I just had that date off the dome great thank god and yeah next thing you know we're gonna get a rain of chimichangas if Deadpool has anything to say about it hurricane I ordered a twister yeah thanks Deadpool I think Deadpool he works at the TQ there oh yeah the Foster's Freeze yeah who yeah who has Twisters? I think that's the DQ. I think that's the DQ.

Is it TCBY? No, it's not TCBY, I don't think. That's the country's best yogurt. Yeah, well, it doesn't mean they don't have a Twister. Do you think TCBY ever looked into expanding into other fields? Like the country's best large hadron colliders? Or just, what if it was only other things that started with Y? Oh, sure.

The country's best yurts. So fro-yo, fro-yo franchises. If you've ever had fro-yo in a yurt? Oof. Ooh, it hits. That does seem like an almost ideal frozen yogurt venue. How does, Jesse, we're here. We, you know, we've all kind of had to have a little crash course in hurricane preparedness. Yeah. My relatives are in town from the south.

Oh, wow. We got an aunt from Texas. We got an aunt from Texas. We got an aunt from Louisiana. We got a cousin from Alabama. And we kind of got together for lunch yesterday and we were kind of like, you know, worrying out loud about the hurricane. They're like, what is it, category four?

And, you know, somebody's looking at their phone like, well, you know, once it reaches LA, it'll be like a category one. Oh, no, a tropical storm. And then they all laughed at us for being such soft snowflakes. I saw a picture on social media of our friend Elliot Kalin taping plastic to his windows, taping off his windows. Now, I happen to know that what he was doing was these are screen windows. Look, I've been to Elliot's house. These are screen windows

that screen in a play area. I'm sure he just didn't want the things in the play area to get wet, but he was taping off these windows. And I just thought to myself that a person from a place where there's weather tapes off their windows in preparation for a tropical storm. And in Los Angeles, people don't even put on pants. Like they don't even turn on their headlights when they're driving. You know what I mean? Like the two levels of weather preparedness in Los Angeles are shorts, vans with no socks and t-shirt. That's for all storms up to and including category four. And then there's dress to climb Mount Everest, which is also for all storms up to category four. And then there's dress to climb Mount Everest, which is also for all storms up to category four, but there's no stops in between. You're either dressed for Everest or you're dressed to kick it at the skate shop. Never the twain shall meet. That's Los Angeles weather

preparedness is one of those two things. That said, I took my daughter to lunch today and for some daddy daughter time, as we call it. And we were over there at my taco and they had the local television news on. And we did see a car float down a river next to our house. Oh, nice. Now, I don't know. I don't know how the car got into it. This is the LA river. So normally cars would mostly be in there for Fast and the Furious movies. Sure. Yeah. Because it is a sort of trying to steal a satellite that was on a big rig? It's entirely possible that that's what happened.

No one was injured. I think those movies were filmed in Atlanta. They did, though, Jordan, they mentioned on the news two first responders had checked the situation out on sea dues. I love that those guys have sea dues at the ready should they need them.

I think like the entire fire department budget of the city of Los Angeles, all the, I'm sure they get, you know, $300,000 a year per firefighter in overtime and all these different, you know, all of it is justified when a mayor, Karen Bass calls the fire chief and says, Mr. Chief, it's Karen. We need C dues. And then the fire chief says, don't worry, I've got guys. And he's, he sends the fire department C dues.

the fire department see-do's that's beautiful i mean i feel like i feel like fire department see-do in 1999 could have been a syndicated show starring mario lopez that lasted for 200 episodes played on sunday afternoon a lot of babes a lot of kind of gratuitous shots of bikini babes, a lot of kind of gratuitous shots of bikini babes. But yeah, I had been walking my dog yesterday in the same place where a car was floating down in the water. How does, I was wondering, how does a man with, how does a man with, with precious possessions, you, of course, I mean, you have your children who are, are you know more valuable than all the most glittering treasures no i don't know well okay i mean the same ballpark same ballpark similar same ballpark the value of a child physical treasures and the human treasures in my home are both very valuable to me and that's what what I want to emphasize here. But you're a man with art, with collectibles, with antiques, with, you know, probably a vintage tuxedo collection somewhere. How do you, how do you decide, how do you, yeah, how are you keeping

this stuff safe? Jordan, first of all, I want to disabuse you of something. I do not have a vintage tuxedo collection. I have one vintage tuxedo and two vintage dinner jackets. Okay. With trousers. But they're contrasting dinner jackets, so it's different. Yeah, if you want to mix it up, you have to go to two weddings in a year. You don't want to have a bunch of pictures in the exact same thing. What if one's like a tropical wedding? You know what I mean?

Sure, yeah. A lot of great tropical weddings out there. So, yeah, I mean, it does terrify me. I mean, we're Californians and have, you know, like when people say, how can you deal with the earthquakes? You're just like, well, you either live somewhere with real hurricanes or tornadoes that happen all the time. You know what I mean? Like, so earthquakes are terrifying, but you probably have something like that. And it probably comes up a lot.

You know what I mean? So I think, yeah, I don't know. I guess I would just grab the jewelry and head for the roof. That's a good question. I don't know. I guess I would just grab the jewelry and head for the roof. That's a good question. I don't know if it came to it. Yeah. Get those jewels on the roof. What are you grabbing and bringing to higher ground there in Altadena?

You know, I got the cat and I got the TV. I'm putting the TV on the ground and I'm covering it with some of those, uh, some of those woven blankets and the cat's sleeping in the bed tonight. Okay. She usually sleeps in the living room, but she's sleeping in the bed tonight. If you know, if a door should fly open, if a window should pop open, I don't need her getting out there. There's coyotes. So are you using, are you using the TV as a kind of like a pontoon? Oh, yeah. I guess I could float around on the TV if it came to it. I'd like to see that.

I'd have to push off Leonardo DiCaprio at some point. There's not enough room for us both on this TV. Let's find out what our guest would save. Oh, yeah. And by would save, I mean will save as this recording transitions from live recording to valued memory of what Jordan and Jesse were like when they were alive as the natural disaster consumes Los Angeles. He is a beloved comedy writer, an old pal of Jordan, Jesse Goh,

a longtime writer for the various Conan O'Brien programs, among other things. And now the man behind the new book, Snot Goblins and Other Tasteless Tales, Rob Kuttner. Hi, Rob. How are you? Hey, I'm actually going to tape up my Zoom window just to be really safe. Is that great?

All windows. Microsoft. Rob rob do you uh i we've probably you've been on the show before i'm sure we've gotten into your backstory i've forgotten it do you come from a place with with weather have you had to deal with this kind of thing princeton princeton university i'm not i wasn't born there. I was hatched in a lab. Okay, we've been over this. A lab in the basement of Princeton. I was hatched in a Labrador retriever. I'm going to keep yes-handing myself.

I'm from the South too, actually, Jordan. I didn't realize that about you, despite your heavy drawl. But I'm from Atlanta. Y'all didn't know that yeah well bless your heart bless your heart um i'm from atlanta and our thing was tornadoes uh which would come through every now and then and apparently though when i was a kid uh uh i think i was about two or

something apparently there was one that like my parents claimed like bounced off of our house or like went over our top of our house and I slipped through the whole thing. So I guess I was a pretty chill customer about it. I, when the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake hit San Francisco, I think I cried for two days straight. That's what I remember is just not wanting to leave the house and crying and crying and crying. Nothing really happened in my house other than some things falling off of shelves, but it just completely convinced me that God had nothing but contempt for human beings. I was freaked out too, even though I did sleep through it because they would put these, whenever there's a tornado, there was like tornado warning and watch and a tornado

imprecation. You know, there's always like these different levels of, there was like tornado warning and watch and a tornado imprecation. You know, there's always like these different levels of, you know, tornado hint. But they had this terrifying fucking noise. It was like, they would come on. It was like super loud. It was like louder than anything you're watching on TV. And it would just like fill me with trauma.

And I was like, I think it would still probably trigger me now. I think. My phone went off a few times like that today, including once after the earthquake, which I wasn't really sure where the value is in that. It just says, feel that. You have, you have, you have exposed facto alert, right? Yeah, exactly. Here's what you missed. Rob, did you do, Rob, did you do any like storm prep today? Did you wrap the kids in garbage bags? Well, I mean, it is a Sunday.

And it's spring training. They're trying to make weight. The kids got to make weight. Right. We did a bit. I think this is sort of to Jesse's point. We we kind of do a half assed L.A. prep stuff. So, yes, my wife, my wife's more on top of this.

She did actually tape some of the actual glass windows. We did this combination. We bought a bunch of canned stuff. It was more like in the shopping stuff. We bought fewer frozen things in case it goes out. We got more things that we could cook on the stove in case there's no electricity. We just have power, that sort of thing. And then there was also this kind of rationale of, well, we might as well just eat everything in the refrigerator because who knows?

It was like, you know, devil may care attitude. So that was my prep. Really a model for, I mean, we, you know, I think this has been pointed out elsewhere, but like Angelenos have an earthquake kit in general, like, or at least you're supposed to. So we kind of have like a little earthquake bag and stuff. So I don't feel like, you know, uh, there was like a huge need for me to have something else. Um, uh, in Beverly Hills, they were seeing that at least for sandbags. Like I was like, I don't think a couple of sandbags are going to help us really if it gets that bad. Yeah. Not when you already have these Mylar blankets. Right. Right. And, uh. And we have help just written on our roof at all times. The good thing about

having those Mylar blankets is they're good if your regular blankets get wet or if you need to build a satellite. Those are the two good things about it. Perfect for that, too. I did like a prep shop yesterday and, you know, got a bunch of water

and, you know other other things that the a.gov website told me to get um then I got a lot of can't I get a lot of like canned hormel chili and I have not had canned hormel chili in years it's one of those things I associate with like being a sad broke idiot who can't cook. Yeah. And I think I just like, I had a, you know. Or a cowboy. Or a cowboy.

Let's be fair to you. A cowboy with a can opener. Yeah. I could just say, yeah, I ate a lot of that when I was a cowboy. Okay, you see these liquor. Yeah. And I have, you know, and I haven't eaten it since, you know, partially because, you know, there's, you know, better things to eat and just, you know, out of pride. I'm like, I've left the Hormel days are behind me.

And but I just bought a ton of it yesterday just because it seems like a good. It is a good like that is actually very smart, like power outage. Easy to eat. Yeah. Yeah. Don't have to really cook it. Yeah. Cook it on a little camping stove.

I think, Jesseesse you'll appreciate this because you have kids uh we had we stocked up a bunch of canned stuff and it's like all these things are like there's no fucking way our kids would eat this normally so it's like this would be a test of like you know the road mentality like yeah you're gonna eat that you know you're gonna eat that thing that you normally turn your nose up at because it's all we have yeah my kids My kids have vehement and conflicting opinions about which delivery pizza is edible. So I don't have any idea how I'm going to get them to eat all this Hormel chili that I bought. Man, I have been thinking about that Hormel chili since I brought it home yesterday. I know it's supposed to be for emergencies only.

You guys know I'm going to get into that chili. As soon as this thing passes, I am going to drown myself in Hormel. I have just been thinking. I'm thinking about it now. I'm salivating thinking about it. Honestly. It's such an unobtainable thing you've put out, like Hormel chili. I'm just fantasizing about this incredibly cheap, very easy to access thing.

Yeah, Yeah. That's also what I will buy in a situation where I'm buying a canned good. The main, your main cans that I'm buying going to be refried beans. I'm not going to refry beans. You know what I mean? Now, will my kids eat it? Nope. They refuse it. Not as good as the restaurant down at the corner. But refried beans, corned beef hash. I love, love canned corned beef hash. That was unquestionably my number one. And then I would say number three is can of chili. My wife doesn't really like it. My kids won't try it. So that leaves it to me and it ends up getting dusty on the shelf. But the truth is, warm milk chili is tasty. I mean, it is like, it will make your, uh, all your features scrunch toward the tip of your nose with its saltiness. Sure. Yeah. Um, but it is pretty good.

Yeah. And you can, you know, if you dress it up a little bit, like if you do your own, you know, sour cream, if you like grate some cheese on there, if you like use your own hot sauce, like it, it, it, it kicks it up two notches. Yeah. Why are we do podcasting and not eating Hormel chili? I don't know. Well, why don't we do it on the podcast? People love, people love chili noises. I think this podcast is the downtime between chili. People love chili noises. I think this podcast is the downtime between chili. You know what's a good canned food that I don't have that often, but every time I do, I'm like, this is great. Love a can of corn.

Love a can of niblets. I do love those. Really? Yeah. That's an easy choice, but what are you doing with it? You know, you just decide. Easy side. You salt it up.

They're already sweet. They're nice and sweet. Yeah, yeah. Are you sautéing them? You just put them in the pan. Put them in a pot. Salt and pepper. Let it heat a little bit. Good nibs. Yeah. I do it once a year, but every time I do, I'm like,

these are some good niblets. What do you call that? Do you have a special name for that day? That occasion? Oh, yeah. Niblet tide? Nibs giving. Happy Nibs giving, everyone. I assumed you meant what do you call that dish,

which is niblets in a pot with salt and pepper. Or in a pan. In a pot or a pan with salt and pepper, which is niblets all Maurice. Rob, you're from Atlanta. You mentioned that. Uh, I saw that you went to like, you went to Atlanta to sign your book, Snot Goblins. Uh, and I do, I do want to talk about some of the book signing stops you've done because I've been really impressed at the hustle you've done. You know, Kuttner, Jesse, I don't know if you follow Kuttner on Facebook, but he's out there hustling.

This guy's putting in the work. Putting in the work. He's a book. At the end of the day, he doesn't want to waste that blurb he got from R.L. Stine. Yeah, you got a blurb from R.L. himself. I feel like his eyes are gazing down upon me at all moments. From his house? Yeah, I mean, it sounds like an R.L. Stein scenario, doesn't it?

Just the set of eyeballs just sitting there in your house. And the sensible, I always love the sensible kids in the Goosebumps book, too. I want to have a book just about them. I was like, maybe we shouldn't go in that dusty old courier shop with the talking skull. You're right. You're right. Let's work on math problems. Let's shine our skateboard helmets. Um, yeah. Were you, was it like a, you know, did you feel like it was kind of a hometown hometown pride thing? Did you have, did you have an old elementary school teacher that came out

and told you you you done good i actually have uh well yes um i actually have my uh i have a video which i can share with you guys um i put on instagram my there was a childhood uh it was like children's literature teacher we had this children's literature specialist who came into our school and she's this wonderful old Southern woman really got me into reading. I really, you know, just, and I've made in contact with her.

She's in her nineties on Facebook recently, and we've been kept each other abreast. And I sent her a copy and she said, she said, she said, I wanted to read your book. I was so excited. And I made a cup of tea and then I was horrified.

I was disgusted. And my tea grew cold beside me, which is so evocative. Wow. And, uh, and then she said like, even her, even her disappointment is beautiful. No, but it was great. She says, this book is so disgusting. I couldn't finish it, but kids are going to love it. And I was like, okay, that works. Um, we, we went to visit my uh relatives uh in texas uh when uh the bubble graphic novel came out and people were pretty excited some people in the family had gotten it some people had read it but one of my my uh my kind of oldest aunt aunt kind of came up to me and she's like well we got an author in the family i won't read the book. It's not my humor.

Wow. That's anti-subtext, right? No, just text. Yeah, right. And it wasn't even like, I tried it and I couldn't get into it. It's like, I won't read it. It's not my humor. You forget that in LA, we have this whole entire protocol of like how to deal with other people's material that we're not interested or actively hate. It was fun. It was fun. Oh, it was fun. You did the thing.

Yeah. You did a thing. Oh God. Yeah. You did a thing. My favorite, my favorite is Steve Martin's. I don't know if you know this one,

but like when he went to like our friends, like terrible one man show, he'd go up to him afterwards and take his hand and go, you bastard. Other people are not as, as trained to do that. They'll just say what they feel and just, you know, how dare they be honest. Rob, you've worked in a particular humor milieu for quite some time. What is it like to explain to your relatives who may or may not get the jokes on Conan, for example?

Oh, I've given up long ago on my relatives watching anything that I produce. So, you know, that's a long time gone. You know, honestly, like I have a couple of pretty humorous people in my family and their fans and they tell me what they like and that and everyone else you know I just um I think they've tuned out and they just they just you know he's off doing the funny business they sort of like put it in that category and uh um I think it was a little bit interesting more interesting uh I have a I don't have mentions in the podcast or I have a um I have a I have a Jewish redneck brother who lives in Alabama okay and uh and I would say our politics are not the same. And it was probably a little bit more,

maybe it's a little more dicey when I worked on The Daily Show versus Conan, which is not that political really, except in that sort of Hollywood weird way. Yeah. The masturbating bear, I think, stands in. That was a trenchant statement, I think, about sex positivity. Right, yes. So, you know, I think we just sort of didn't talk about it that time. I don't know if he even got Comedy Central where he lives. could not be further positioned from where like I stand work-wise.

I have, they're all totally amazing, wonderful, brilliant people. I have an aunt who lives in Oakland and she is a like very, and has been since I can remember can remember since the late 70s a very righteous lesbian um who at one point made me announce that it was okay for her to like me because I was an honorary girl um but like a real spells women with a y classic 1970s style and she is like could not be more gung-ho about cultural activities um but could not be more baffled by humor as a category. So like, if you want somebody to go to see Angelique Kidjo at Berkeley performances, the Afro pop legend,

Aunt Gail's there for you. Took me to many, many dance performance, like any, she goes to shit all the time. But if you said to her, Top of the time. Top of the pops? Yeah, 100%. But like highbrow, like very highbrow things, international shit.

You know, it's a fucking Oakland lifestyle she has. But if you said to her, like, what's the last comedy movie you enjoyed, it would probably be like the court jester when she was 10. You know what I mean? Like, uh, I have an aunt who lives in Virginia, um, who lives well into Virginia. And she is a very gifted photographer. She was an EMT forever. And she was the first female firefighter in her county in Virginia. And she is spending her retirement taking photographs of abandoned places in Virginia. Like she'll go out and take photographs of abandoned places in Virginia. Like she'll go out and, and take photographs of abandoned places.

They're so cool. And she just like, I don't know, like when I was a kid, she lived on a fucking farm with livestock and shit. And I, if you told me that she has never watched television or has only watched CSI in her life, I would be completely unsurprised. Although at this point in her life, maybe she's watching some PBS. Aunt Debbie is a real estate agent and is by far the most normal member of my family culturally. She's a real real estate agent in Northern Virginia in terms of her cultural tastes. But you know what?

Every time I have a chat with Aunt Debbie about what she's up to, she's watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Every time. Years and years ago, I was visiting my Aunt Deb and her husband Wayne. And she's like, I love watching this. I love watching this game show on the Game Show Network. It's a comedy game show. And I'm like, oh my God. Oh, you know, I'm like 17 or 19 or something. I'm like, oh, I only watched the upright citizens brigade TV show on county central. So, uh, it's, you know, it's the bug you sketch or nothing for me. And, uh, she's like, oh yeah, it's hilarious. And I'm like, all right, all right, all right,

and she told me about it, and I didn't have the game show networks, never got around to watching it. Like 10 years later, I realized, oh, that was Jimmy Pardo's game show. Emailing Debbie like, hey, remember when you said that that game show was funny and it's possible that I rolled my eyes?

I was trying not to, so hopefully I didn't. But anyway, my friend Jimmy was the host of that show. I think that, yeah, it's kind of interesting. I think that, you know, even something that we as jaded comedy super fans would consider to be a like down the middle, four quadrant network thing is still probably being written by people who were like Mr. Show fans. And, you know, I think that the, I think,

right. Yeah. I think that it is interesting that like the category of thing we would have scoffed at as, you know, 16 year old, I only watched the tenacious D shorts on VHS that I got from a bin in the comic book store. Like it has like way more actual great jokes than that category at the time. Can I just say thank you to our college friend, Gene's comic book store for having a bin of extra play VHS tapes that had every episode of Larry Sanders, Mr. Show and Tenacious D on them. tapes that had every episode of Larry Sanders, Mr. Show and Tenacious D on them. Uh, cause that definitely changed my life. So shout out to whatever that comic book or video store was in Sherman Oaks, California. Might've been earth two. Might've been earth two. There you go. Possibly earth two. Uh, I also want to, I want to bring up, uh, something that we have not talked about on the show for a while, weird-ass Burbank shit.

Oh, well, I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled to hear that you're bringing this up. I was just in Burbank thinking about that shit. Did you know, Jordan, did you know I went to visit our friend Alison Rosen, our friend, your new best friend audience, of the Alison Rosen is Your New Best Friend podcast, went to visit her in Burbank yesterday. Happened to notice that right by her house, mere blocks from her house, is a children's spa. Wow.

Children's spa. A children's spa. Where toddlers can have a schwitz. Doesn't sound sus. Does not sound sus at all. Unwind with a bunch of Where toddlers can have a schvitz. It doesn't sound sus. It does not sound sus at all. Children's spa. Unwind with a bunch of other toddlers. I truly, it's called Prestige Kids Spa. Wow.

Sometimes you want to take a load off after first grade. Yeah, you spend all day. To sweat out the toxins. You spend all day on those times tables. You want to get wrapped in seaweed. I just opened their website. I want you guys to know, because I knew you were worried. At our spa at home bus parties, sparkling memories. We are dependable, reliable with best customer service. Website written by AI was not. Sassy Bus.

It's called the Sassy Bus. Oh my God. It says- That was the original name for this podcast. Sassy Bus will travel to you home or park 35 miles from 91505. To me home? To you home.

Toot toot, Sassy Bus. I mean, they save so much money on those letters. They pass the savings on to the kid customers, I think. The words they don't use. Yeah. Pixels, the ink. Right. It will also park 35 miles from 91505, though, just so you know.

So you're going to have to get out the old protractor. Rob, you had one of your book events at a real Burbank-ass place that I was not aware of until you were posting about it. Apparently, it is some sort of magic store called Dark Delicacies. Wait, hold on. It says, we do not drive kids around. Wow. That's a very specific, legal made them write it exactly like that i think that is not fyi not gonna happen if you came here from q anon website we do not drive kids around uh yeah what uh i did i was not able to make it can you tell us about dark oh so it's not a magic it's a horror themed comic store which is a phrase you might hear only in Burbank. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, and speaking of weird

shit, I found, uh, this promo that Jordan's talking about is I found a bunch of them. You probably knew this already. It was news to me. There's a bunch of these horror, weird comic, uh, geeky stores all within about a square mile of each other over in magnolia park and so we had a promo where we had like a scavenger hunt with cards uh characters from the from the book and then the signing in dark delicacies and so you know and we did the end of summer so the parents are kind of desperate for something with their kids and so a bunch of like random kids they were not driven there by the sassy bus but um there's my own parents they were sassy bus not involved but so dear dark house it's a horror themed comic and collectible store and then

there's the mystic museum which is another horror themed uh sort of gift and curious store that's like a half a block away um and there's a blast in the past, which is a retro store, like just only retro comics. And it's a very cool and weird, very niche area, I think. There are like, all in one sort of patch. I think at all of these different places,

you can get, you know, these places with different, you know, vibes and aesthetics. At all of them, you can get a copy of Fun Home and a taxidermied weasel and a top hat. You know what? That's what I would save actually in a flood, I have to say. Yeah.

Just those two items. Well, those things are both going to appreciate. I remember you remember on the aforementioned Alison Rosen podcast that we were just on, Jordan. Yeah, Rob and I did it together, had a fun time. I mentioned one of these places and Allison and Daniel had a debate about, was it this taxidermy store or the other taxidermy store?

There's one good one and one that's bullshit. Right. And of course, there's obviously some marital subtext of that fight. It's like, you know, there's a lot more going on than just a disagreement about taxidermy stores. But I think we made some progress there.

Okay, guys, I'm going to give you a quick timeline for parties. sure yeah if you don't mind please invite guests 10 minute before start time as we will start on time we will start with lemonade toast services will begin immediately after toast kids will eat throughout party time. This is starting to sound like one of those Japanese horror movies, like the great, like audition or something. Okay. Kids will eat throughout party time. Fashion show following all services. Birthday cake will be last 20 minutes. Following all services. Birthday cake will be last 20 minutes.

Services does make it seem like a funeral. Well, either a funeral or a sex thing. Yeah. Oh, sure. Yeah. I like the use of will, too. It's just sort of like, this is just like, I've seen the future. This is how it plays out.

Well, I don't know. I mean, I will eat all throughout sex thing. You will eat Hormel chili throughout sex thing. I will eat Hormel chili all throughout sex thing. Hormel chili toast. If you want sex thing with me, you tolerate Hormel chili, you will. It says here that there are cute robes as well. How cute are these robes? Let's see photos. I'll be the judge of that.

Don't be creepy, Jordan. Sorry. You're right. That was a bridge too far. Well, these photographs are on the website are significant, substantially out of focus.

I am nonetheless impressed by the level of flavor that the Prestige Kid Spa does seem to be bringing to the table here for these. They look to have some of those terrifying Korean dollar store face masks. You know the kind I'm talking about? They look like they're stealing your face. Masks? Oh, yeah. You know the kind I'm talking about? Yeah. Like they look like they're stealing your face?

Yeah, I think we, I feel like we put those on during a live show once, and I didn't expect it to burn, but it did. No. It also never came off. You're still wearing it. That's right. I'm still wearing it. Integrated into your skin.

I still look like a melting wax figure. There's a teepee for some reason. The teepee does match the color story, but besides that, I'm not sure what that part of it is about. Like you need an excuse for a teepee. Come on. That's a good point. And it looks like you do your foot bath inside the party bus. Ooh.

Now, does it have- While not being driven. Honestly, do you think we could get this to come to one of our live shows, Jordan? I don't know. I think we have to do a live show for all kids. Do you think they only do it for kids? Rob, you're a children's author.

You can help us come up with some child-friendly material. I think that's a good branding move for me. Yes. Get on the vehicle. Get in the vehicle, kids. Wear the robes. wait for the services. Rob, do you get, uh, children who are excited to talk to you about gross stuff now? Yes. That's been one of the best things about this, uh, events is when I've done live events

and the kids just come up to you and it's like, they've got, it's like, you know, because I think one of the sort of angles I was going for is this stuff is a little bit outre jordan a little bit beyond the pale of uh you know what kids are supposed to talk about like what's what's an example rob um i'll be the judge of that okay um i mean i have a kid i had a kid at one of the atlanta signings who came up to me and was telling me about his brother's like boogers like he saw this not on the cover and he started giving me kind of a detailed rundown uh you know about like this huge booger that his brother made and like how sticky it was like that i was like i can't imagine having that conversation with an adult in the other situation any of this in any other scenario um and then the funny thing maybe at the

nurse's office at school maybe but i feel like they wouldn't like open up in that level because it's just like, there's a, there's a glee to it. Like, this is like, okay, I got the good shit.

Let me tell you this for the nurse. It would be like, there's a whole, you know, how would you, I mean, if you were, if you got called into the principal's office,

you thought you were headed to get in trouble with the vice principal or whatever. And then they're like, Oh no, talk, talk to the nurse. The nurse says, all right, little Rob, tell me

about your brother's grossest boogers. You're telling me you wouldn't be gleeful? Well, okay. I guess there might be, I think you might open up, but there'd be sort of this like, where's this going? And it's like, is this being, is this a scam? Is this a trap? Am I going to get in trouble from this?

I think you automatically assume you're going to get in trouble. It's just like a long con. I'm so sure. All right. All right, little Rob, sit here and write my farts. Can I tell you what happened to me this morning? My, just on the subject of scams. Yeah.

My, my daughter, Gracie spent the morning. So nobody could leave the house. Although they did go out into the, into the trampoline to jump up and down um in the rainstorm but uh my daughter spent the morning she's been really interested in kool-aid i don't know what how she got there but because she doesn't drink it she doesn't like drinking it but she's really interested in making it and stuff and so she wanted to make a special punch and that meant for her making kool-aid in a pan and then boiling it down and then mixing it with other stuff and i was like well what's the other stuff it turns out

she mixed it with ice water so i didn't want to get involved in telling her that that was just adding the water that she had boiled off whatever but she came and I was in the living room watching the ball game she comes and grabs me she says dad can I show you what I've got set up in the kitchen I was like uh okay so she took me into the kitchen and

uh on the counter there was like a stack of cups and a big bowl of purple liquid. And then a sign that said, Gracie's punch, not a scam. Everything seems above board here. I think the Kid Spa lawyers have been talking to her. And she, yeah, she, it wasn't a scam scam that's why she put not a scam on it right she didn't put not a scam on it what what was the there was some backstory to that right like

was there something that was a scam before like where did that come from she was concerned i would think it was a scam but a scam is just like an escalation, right? Here's I think probably the brilliant long game that she's playing. If you want to scam somebody in a year or whatever, give them five servings of punch where you say it's not a scam. That last one, that's the scam. But you've already had these so-called non-scam punches. And then you're drinking that six punch. Next thing you know, your credit card numbers are all in China.

Three card Kool-Aid Monte, they call it. You know what? I'm going to write this up and send it to my credit card company. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hello, Jordan. It's me, an Englishman. And I am also English now because we're going to England. Are you English?

I'm an American. What are we doing? Oh, we're promoting our show in London. Okay, but are we English people pretending to be American or are we English? No, I'm American. I was born and raised in San Francisco. Oh, okay. Yeah, aren't you from Orange County, right? I'm also from San Francisco.

Howdy, it's me, JT from SF. Listen, do you want to see this live? You do. Do you leave in England? You do. Jordan, Jesse, go. We're at the London Podcast Festival. Our buddy Sarah Morgan's joining us. We're going to have some more special guests.

I just invited a very, very famous English celebrity. We'll see if it happens. I don't know. I hope Pippa says yes. Pippa says yes or whatever the fuck I ask. Oh boy. Okay don't know. I hope Pippa says yes. Yeah. Pippa says yes or whatever the fuck I ask. Oh boy. Okay. Hold on. The London Podcast Festival

is September 14th. Maximumfun.org slash events. It's going to be a ton of fun. We hope we'll see everybody there. Yeah. We're doing Judge John Hodgman in Dublin and at the London Podcast Festival. And then we are headed on tour in the Midwest and the East Coast all the way down

to the Southeast. So go to vanfreaksroadshow.com for all the Judge John Hodgman dates. It's going to be a lot of fun. Of course, every episode of Jordan, Jesse Go is supported by the members of Maximum Fun. So we thank the members of Maximum Fun very deeply and sincerely. We tip our cap to you, everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org. We are also this week supported in part by the folks over there at Stitch Fix. Stitch Fix, here's what you do. You go to StitchFix.com. You fill out a quiz. You tell them what kind of clothes you tell them what kind of clothes you need what kind of clothes you like

you tell them a little something about your sizes and then a personal stylist sends you your new favorite shirt yeah that is what happens and uh everything always fits me great um it's always really cool sometimes it's stuff i wouldn't have like thought to pick for myself but when i see it on i'm like yes this thank you stitch fix uh you know what i got from stitch fix the other day that i'm loving what'd you get waffle shorts waffle shorts these are some real comfy lounging around the house shorts some good work from home shorts they're these very soft loungy shorts. They have a waffle pattern. They feel real good. This is like a high-end luxury hotel robe for your legs. Yeah, I know.

And only your upper legs. Your lower legs are free. I think I'm in a luxury hotel. I just start yelling room service. Yeah, I mean, you do yell that a lot in general. Room service. I love to be served in a room. Yeah, I mean,

four walls make it taste better. That's true. That's true. But yeah, Stitch Fix, I always love what I get from there. And if you don't like something real easy to send back, they include a prepaid envelope. You keep what you like. You send back what you don't. Easy peasy. You got a new shirtsy. Yeah. Jordan, do you have a message for Stitch Fix? If you could say anything to Stitch Fix right now, what would it be? Thanks, Stitch Fix. They just get me, and they'll get you too.

Try today at stitchfix.com slash jjgo, and you'll get 25% off when you keep everything in your fix. That's stitchfix.com slash jjgo.'s stitch fix.com slash jj go stitch fix.com slash jj go jordan the jumbotron's been a little quieter lately if you want to share a message in there if you want to share a message on jordan jesse go and you're jordan jesse go listener you want to propose marriage to somebody uh or you want to tell somebody off in a non like libelous way. Nothing that puts us in legal jeopardy. No. Or moral jeopardy.

We can just suggest that someone eat shit. Yeah. I'm, I'm pretty much willing to suggest anybody eat shit. Sure. Like, and I won't say directly eat shit, but I'd say something like,

uh, you look hungry. There's a plate of shit over there. Sure. Get an almond, fucker. Well, that's the part I wouldn't say. Okay. Oh, okay. Thank you a plate of shit over there. Sure. Get an almond, fucker. Well, that's the part I wouldn't say.

Okay. Oh, okay. Thank you for clarifying. Thank you for clarifying. I would only suggest it. Okay. Maximumfund.org

slash Jumbotron if you want to get up there. You'll be surprised at how affordable it is. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, known for his spicy flavor but not like a pepper though a human one let's just be clear about that

okay wait are you full of seeds i am but it's really the right it's really the rim where the seed meets the pepper that's where i'm spiciest oh the capsicin is connected right okay so but if we take that the white part the ribs we take that we take out. You'll have a surprisingly fresh flavor. Yes, but those are my actual ribs. So my heart and lungs will collapse. Well, but at least you could suck your own dick. I have to go. Bye, Rob.

We'll let everybody know to buy your children's book. Oh, too spicy, too spicy. I should have roasted myself for more mellow flavor. That's what we all yell before we die. There's that moment of clarity. Oh, I should have roasted myself for a more mellow flavor. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Yeah.

I will whisper it to my a more mellow flavor. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Yeah. I will whisper it to my son on my deathbed. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-9844-FUN or just send us a voice memo at jjgo at maximumfun.org. Hey, Jordan, you know what's momentous that's

happening to us? Other than the weather stuff? Well, we're going to England. Oh, that's happening to us? Other than the weather stuff? Well, we're going to England. Oh, that's right. We are going to England. Yes. Jolly old England. Yes.

September 14th. It's part of the London Podcast Festival. People should get tickets at MaximumFun.org slash events. Events. There you go. MaximumFun.org slash events. Yeah. And people who are elsewhere in the UK, such as in Dublin, Edinburgh, Belfast, and in Europe, in Copenhagen, should come see Judge John Hodgman.

If you're in London, you should also come see Judge John Hodgman in addition to Jordan Jesse Go. But I'm coming directly to those other places on this same trip. So if you're in one of those places, MaximumFun.org slash events. And also, if you're listening to this, wherever you are in those regions, I hope that you have a case for Judge John Hodgman because we need cases bad. So go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO

if you have a problem with anyone. I don't care how big or small it is. You might win the lottery and get a free Judge John Hodgman tickets, hang out with us backstage, all that shit, because we need cases in Dublin, Edinburgh, Belfast, London,

and Copenhagen. You're definitely going to want to hang backstage with Jesse and John. That's where the real show happens. Thank you very much. Anyway, when something momentous

happens to you like that, like you get to go see us in fucking Europe where you live, not the economic community of Europe anymore, but, um, you know, maximumfund.org slash, oh no, JJ go at maximumfund.org. Okay. Here's a momentous occasion. Hey, Jordan, Jesse and guests. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. This is Peyton from South Carolina. Yesterday, I was driving home from work at around 6.50, 7 in the evening. I was driving on the interstate, and from behind me, a black car passes me, and there's a woman sitting on the roof of the car in just a thong, doing various erotic poses, I would say.

And then she proceeded to lay it fully onto the roof of the car, her legs up in the air, spreading them around and doing various poses. And they were weaving in and out of traffic and going about 70 to 80 miles an hour down the highway. So that was pretty crazy. Thanks guys. Have a good one. I cannot wait for this new Quentin Tarantino movie.

They say it's his last one. It's his farewell. It's his farewell to cinema. I am, okay. Is it, is it just me or I assumed this was on a city street going 20. Yeah. Still was worrisome to me.

Yeah. Are, are, are we that, are we that jaded? Have we consumed that much internet pornography to where this is, this is what we as a culture need to get off i assumed this was getting filmed somehow they were getting

followed by a drone or you know somebody had a gopro i assumed he just drove through a beer commercial or one just came to life right yeah yeah commercial this was a twisted sister video right it was yeah yeah did yeah we should call it if you're there at any point did you did you hear the musical sting and twins if you heard and twins you could have just driven through a beer commercial i what now i'm now i'm so worried about this woman on the roof that it's really putting a crimp into my previous reaction which was assuming that this was somehow safe like strapped in right which i imagined there was both some sort of strapping device and they were just on a city street going 20. Sure.

I mean, if anybody, I mean, if my theory that this is part of pornography checks out, those people have straps. I know. These people are strapped up. We didn't say where the thong went. Maybe the thong went around the ski rack, you know, down to the car. Very safe. Made of nylon.

Yeah. rack you know the car very safe made of nylon yeah but like my initial reaction was that it was fucking amazing and i would love to see that right except that now i'm so worried about the personal safety of this person when i thought it was just a little bit reckless when it was like standing up while you're driving a motorcycle reckless you know sometimes a guy that's driving a motorcycle down the street does that thing where he like stands up with his arms straight that was the amount of reckless i was imagining 20 miles an hour and a strap reckless now that it's on the freeway, what other crazy shit is happening? That's threat.

Was this pro? How did he even like, who, you know what I mean? Yeah. I don't know. Is this, you know,

and, and I don't want to come off as like, you know, holier than thou or kink shamey or anything like that. But you know, when I'm, when I'm searching the web for a sexy video, I, I just type in married couple for procreation. Right. Um, I go on to, you know, auto fill fills it in for you. Yeah. Right. Um, you're just like you porn.com and then you type in caring mom and dad on vacation, special love,

much hug. And so, you know, maybe, maybe I'm not aware of all the genres just cause I'm such a, you know, I'm such a kinkster for mom and dad on vacation. I don't know about all the genres.

Is this a like danger porn? Is this a, is that considered auto erotic? Is that considered autoerotic? Is that what autoerotic is? Let's take a minute. That was good. I'm glad we got there. Thank you, Rob. Thank you for being on our show. I just got an email here from Princeton University

that says you didn't go there anymore. They retracted my degree just based on that. Yeah. I... This is my feeling about that. Hold on. I'm getting an email. Rob, you were just awarded a degree from San Diego State? Why are you guys on the distribution list for colleges?

Like why? I don't know why we're getting these emails. Go Aztecs. Nothing wrong with San Diego State. Go Aztecs. It's a good school. Okay. So this is my feeling.

That was a random school I thought of. I wasn't taking a shot for any particular reason. Go Aztecs. That's cool. Okay. So this is my feeling. That was a random school I thought of. I wasn't taking a shot for any particular reason. Go Aztecs. This is what, UC San Diego though. That's our preferred San Diego University. Where you see guys. Is there a rivalry?

I don't know. You know, if there wasn't, if there wasn't then, there is now. Fuck them. Very relaxed Southern California rivalry. Suck our slow dicks.

We'll settle this on the pickleball court. Okay, Jordan. Yeah, sorry. Here's my question. Yeah. Am I wrong to think that to me, the idea of seeing a naked lady doing moves on top of a moving car, driving down the street, is, it's not, it's not that it's like, this might be at the core of it. It's not that it's necessarily erotic.

Right. To me, it's just like a glorious expression of humanity. Mm-hmm. erotic, to me, it's just like a glorious expression of humanity. If I saw that, I'd be like, holy shit, I saw something special and magical. You know, somebody has put magic in my life on this day. If it's a type of pornography, it sounds like a boring kind of pornography. Like the gap is huge there to me between the real life impact of seeing something like that and feeling blessed by magic. But if I saw it through a camera, it wouldn't even, it wouldn't even, you know, I'd rather

just watch people have sex. Can I propose an alternate theory? Yes, please. I think it was someone, what if it was someone on their way to an audition or a porn shoot, just practicing their moves, you know, like a singer, the lips to the tip of the tongue. These are like vocal warmups. On top, well, everything warm up, really. Sure.

On top of the car. That's why they're going so fast. They're late for the audition. Follow up question. really sure for the car that's why she's going so that's why they're going so fast they're late follow-up question when the caller said it was a black car do we think that it was just a car that was colored black or do we think that this person got the like high-end uber or whatever oh right is this just you know is this like the kind that picks up a vip at the airport what if it was a hearse sure so you get uh live guys i'm dead yeah going to the best fucking funeral town's ever seen oh no i hope it wasn't the sassy bus rot well you know they don't drive the kids around so they don't drive them in a bus they might take him in a limo with a naked lady they don't say they don't do that. They're so specific on the site. I would just assume they do anything they don't say they don't do.

I don't know. You know, pay the extra to get the black car, I guess. You get a little bit more leg room. It's the summer and it's hot. It's also hot to be on a black car, right? I mean, you know. Yeah, yeah. I wonder about this. I wonder about this performer's hands and feet.

Okay. Rob and Jordan. Yeah. How fast a speed would you be willing to tolerate riding on top of a car? So you're on top of the car. How fast would you be able to deal with it going? Would never go on top of a car. Might fall off too scared.

Parked car wouldn't do it. What about when you're out at the sideshow? Everybody's ghost riding. everybody's doing donuts you're not gonna get on top of the car no sorry maybe maybe that maybe that makes me the poindexter of the sideshow you do it at five right five miles an hour yeah i guess okay yeah i'd do it at five i'd do it at five rob you get what about 10 i was gonna i was gonna say 10 Rob you got what about ten do I see ten I was gonna I was gonna say ten but you know

what you're missing is that is it's not really about the speed but it's like how quickly they might break right

if they can hit the brakes like really fast really abruptly that's worse than like I don't mind going faster but if I need to know

what the journey is I'll say this I was up at my cabin a few weeks ago and my father-in-law had driven out to the, to the lake in his truck and it was pretty hot out. And one of my kids was crazy tired and I didn't want to march her back to the cabin because I was worried there'd be a meltdown on the way. I was worried there'd be a meltdown on the way.

And so I said to my father-in-law, Teresa will take the other two kids. This kid and me will stay here and we'll ride back in the truck. I realized only one other seat in the truck. So I rode in the back in the bed. It turns out that literally driving 15 miles an hour feels like you're in a fucking Harrier jet

when you're just out there in the open. I was terrified. Like the whole time, like I'm, I'm like reminding myself to be cool. Just reminding myself that I'm, I'm just a chill guy. Nothing can happen. My father-in chill guy nothing can happen nobody needs to see

daddy cry again but boy I we can't possibly have gone more than 20 miles an hour because there's just too many you know the road isn't good enough to go more than 20 miles an hour and I am there like sweating out of my eyeballs I was so so terrified. Okay, I would go 10 if I could get confirmation, written confirmation from Mayor Karen Bass. Notarized. Notarized at a local notary of good standing that Mario Lopez is standing by on a jet ski

should we go into a river? Right. Then I'm there 10 miles an hour. I'm good. Do you think we could get Mario Lopez on a ski do onto Jordan? Jesse go. We could maybe get them on the show. If you know,

we, we, we hustled through hustle through his people. Uh, you know, Cristela, Cristela knows him. I've told this on the show,

but I think it's worth mentioning that I will always have a soft spot for Mario Lopez because one time Cristela put up a photo of the new Mario Switch game that she just bought, and underneath it he commented, it's a me. That's pretty great.

Yeah. Does Saved by the Bell hold up? No. Does that? Yes. Take that, Mary Hart. You're out. Lopez is in.

Lopez is in. Can't you just nab him while he's taping at the Grove? Isn't he still taping? No, I don't know. Just go nab him. Nab Lopez. Stick a mic in his face.

Roll him there on the trolley. I guess we could trick him and just go nab him. Nab Lopez. Stick a mic in his face. Roll him there on the trolley. I guess we could trick him into thinking. Roll him out on the sassy bus. Sure, yeah. Send the sassy bus to pick him up. Right to the Ski-Doo. He's not a kid. They can drive with him.

I love this new plan. I love it. Let's text Rizzo Alonso. Yeah. She'll put us in touch. We'll get the sassy bus down to the Grove. Problem solved. Problem solved.

We'll just tell him this is an entertainment news show. And he'll fucking bring the heat. Our problem is that Mario Lopez has never been on our show on a ski-do. That's the problem we're trying to solve. Yes. Have you thought about it? It might be easier just to get your show onto a ski-do with Mario Lopez. I mean, they get that passenger seat,

right? Oh, yeah. Squeeze in, right? Yeah. Waterproof equipment, right? You're not going to have to convince Jordan Jesse Go to throw its arms

around Mario Lopez. No, not at all. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Hi, I'm Travis McElroy. And I'm Teresa McElroy. And we're the host of Schmanners.

We don't believe that etiquette should be used to judge other people. No, on Schmanners, we see etiquette as a way to navigate social situations with confidence. So if that sounds like something you're into. Join us every Friday on Maximum Fun, wherever you get your podcasts. to? Join us every Friday on Maximum Fun, wherever you get your podcasts. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. The Greatest Generation,

Maximum Fun's irreverent, filthy-mouthed Star Trek podcast is a big deal. How big? It's the only Star Trek podcast big enough to have a live show tour. And we are inviting all Star Trek fans and Max Funsters everywhere. We're calling it the Share Your Embarrassment Tour. We're going to celebrate and roast Star Trek 5.

That's the one where they kill God. We're going to be in a bunch of cities and greatestgentour.com has all the info and ticket links. That's greatestgentour.com for dates and ticketing info for the Share Your Embarrassment Tour. Come share your embarrassment with us. And grow stronger from the sharing. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Rob Kuttner, the human Fresno pepper. I've got nothing. No, you could just be the same thing, man. You don't need a bunch of different nicknames. Come on. We've been using the same fucking nicknames for 90 years. Boy detective. There you go.

It's perfect. It's the perfect the perfect nickname rob what's the grossest what's the grossest thing you thought of for snot goblins there's a scene where uh these two ghost hunting girls are in a more they're in a morgue of an old haunted hospital and they pull open the drawer and uh all these skulls come out and start licking them and they're like how could this get any grosser and then these cockroaches come out and are swarming all their faces and the cockroaches start pooping pretty good yeah cockroaches love pooping they're incontinent cockroaches i should mention they fiber they fiber it up.

This has helpful tips about staying regular. Yeah, that's what I think. I mean, if kids learn nothing more from this, you should have... Sponsored by the American Metamucil Council. Oh, you're just in the pocket of big metamucil. They're not prunes, they're dried plums. Having fun over here.

I will say that Snot Goblins is very funny. I think kids would love it. Hey, I'm a childless-ass adult. I bought Rob's book because he's one of the funniest guys ever, and it is really hilarious. It's got great jokes. Yeah, it's definitely one of those kids' products like your SpongeBob's, your Teen Titans goes that's just like straight up funny. So I think Snot Goblin's hilarious for anybody.

Do you know what the average rating is on a popular e-commerce website that I'm looking at right now? Oh, I can't wait to hear. I hope it's good. If it's bad, you shouldn't read it. Five out of five. Whoa. Perfect five. Perfect five. Whoa. My gosh. Five cockroach tur five out of five perfect five perfect five whoa my five cockroach turds out

of five a perfect five son is obsessed hilarious gloriously gross and fun for adults too perfect for reluctant readers that's me Perfect for reluctant readers. That's me. I will say my mom did, after the bubble graphic novel came out, did go onto Amazon and wrote a review of it where she was trying to be anonymous, but it says Morris at the end,

so it's clear that it's my mom. I warned my mom a couple of weeks ago. I was like the Kuttner thing. Don't put your name. You're going to want to do it. Resist the temptation. Yeah. You do have to avoid the nepotism appearance in the review section.

Right. Yeah. Have someone with your last name blasting your book. That'll increase your street cred. Snot Goblins and Other Tasteless Tales is the name of the book by our guest, Rob Kuttner. Always a joy to see you, Robert. Nice to see you guys, too. I hope we all survive the coming calamity.

Or I guess when they hear this, the calamity that came, right? Should we not? May this be a blessing to our legacies. Yes. Yes. If you're listening to this, we led good lives. We led good, free, full lives, brimming with love, laughter. And Hormel chili. And Hormel chili. Yes. The delicious taste of Hormel chili. God, I can't wait to eat that Hormel. I hope.

You're so close. You're so close, Jordan. They say the storm's going to pass by 10 a.m. tomorrow at 10.01. I'm going to be horking down Hormel. Oh! Garbanzos. That's my top canned food. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a good thing to get out of a can.

Because you know what you can do with a garbanzo? Well, first of all, you can just put them on a salad. It's going to be great. Yeah. Going to add a lot of protein to your salad. Good texture too. But how about this? Drain them.

Yep. Put some olive oil on them. Put your favorite spice blend on them, whatever it may be. Or just salt and pepper. Sure. If you want to do them niblet style.

And then roast them in your toaster oven. Sounds good. Then you got a delicious, healthy snack. I thought you were going to go like, listen, drain the can, add your favorite spice, fuck the can. Drain the can, add your favorite spice, feed it to a goat. Goats love to eat cans.

Goats love to eat cans. He will spit out the garbanzos. I'm literally about to soak some dried garbanzos tonight. Someone sent me this kit for like super fancy hummus, like a super high-end tahina. And what is it? Gordo Ranch chickpeas, you know, like the fancy. I got those from the office for Christmas.

That's what I got. That was my office Christmas gift. Everybody got me some chickpeas from Gordo Ranch. But I got to start like the soaking now for tomorrow. It's kind of a passive- a passive aggressive gift in a way. It's like, you know, you're going to have to plan for this one. You're going to have to block out some time.

Did it say hummus kit, not a scam? Matt Lieb is our producer on the program. Producer Meredith, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. You can find us on social media. Maximumfun.reddit.com is the fun subreddit to chat. You can find us on Instagram at jordandavidmorris at put.this.on. We are on Facebook and Twitter, JordanJesseGo. That's Facebook.com slash JordanJesseGo and Twitter.com slash JordanJesseGo.

And, yeah, we'll see you in England soon. Goodbye. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Maximum Fun. love you.