Jordan, Jesse, GO! - One Cum, with Steve Hernandez

Episode Date: June 22, 2023

This week comedian Steve Hernandez stops by Jordan, Jesse, Go! to talk about Father's Day, beach babes, and a Nintendo that... uh... well, you'll see.Pre-order Jordan's upcoming Archie Horror comic "Camp Pickens" at your local comic shop NOW with code APR231183! On shelves 6/21! Get your signed copy and meet Jordan on July 1st from 1-4pm  at Golden Apple Comics.Ever tried Microdosing? Visit Microdose.com and use JJGO for 30% off + Free Shipping.See why 3.8 million businesses have come to ZipRecruiter for their hiring needs. Go to ZipRecruiter.com/JJGo to try ZipRecruiter FOR FREE.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I cannot do the show tonight, Jordan.

This episode of Jordan, Jesse Go detective. I cannot do the show tonight, Jordan. This episode of Jordan has to go. I cannot. I can't because I was at the park. And did you tire yourself out? Jordan, you know about my pastoral lifestyle. Sure. This is not a lifestyle bragging podcast, but I have a pastoral lifestyle where I'm often at the park. So, yeah.

So, it's like toes in the grass, skipping stones. I was shooting the rock with Oscar. Nice. The rock is cocaine. That's funny because when you said shooting the rock with Oscar, I was like, oh, they were playing basketball. No. I was like, oh, they were playing basketball. So every time you've told me about going to the park with Oscar and shooting The Rock, I've been envisioning a beautiful father-child scene. No, no, no.

I don't keep cocaine at the house. I'm a responsible parent. Yeah, you're right. The dog can get in there. The dog gets cocaine. He'll never stop telling you reality show ideas. We laugh and joke. Oscar and I were playing basketball.

That's not what the story is about, though. The story is about, it was a Sunday afternoon, early evening. And there was a little girl there who was about three years old wearing full church clothes, like 10 out of 10, like charismatic church clothes. Hat? No hat, but ribbon in hair. Okay. And skirt down to the ground and wide enough that it basically made her an equilateral triangle.

Okay. Three years old, this little girl, I'm going to say. Three years old. There was... I mean, right now I'm just envisioning my childhood church clothes. Yeah. And just this pair of pleated slacks that I fucking hated. This pair of pleated slacks that I fucking hated.

These slacks are burned into my memory like a lover who I hated because they were itchy. One time my stepmother yelled at me because I had sparkly Dr. Martens and I was going to wear them to church. That is disrespectful. I was like, Bernie, you hate church. You don't go. You're against church. You come from a country where the church just abuses people and foments wars. Did you switch them out or did you defiantly?

I switched them out. No, it was like the only time she ever yelled at me. I don't know what. She must have been having a bad day. Anyway, I'm at the park. You're at the park. This little girl's wearing this dress. I'm already, I'm playing basketball.

I'm already trying not, I'm like admiring how adorable this child is so much that I'm concerned about coming off as a creep. Sure. And I, well, you know, and you're a big guy too. So I'm really hoping this isn't going to be a Frankenstein situation. She's picking some flowers. She's throwing petals in the water. You make the association that pretty things go in the water. Oh, boy.

She's toddling around, and then I realize what she's about to do. what she's about to do. She bends over, picks up a tiny puppy that is nonetheless as big as she is. You hadn't seen the puppy. Hadn't seen the puppy. Didn't clock the puppy.

Puppy was barely as high as the grass. Okay. Okay. She picks it up, let's call it under the puppy arms? Yeah.

With a single, with a single, like a headlock move. It is not leashed. No, the puppy is not even. With a single, like, a headlock move. It is not leashed. No, the puppy is not even collared. Did it come with her, or was it a stray? No, this is... Unclear.

This is... I mean, I'll just say, in my neighborhood, it is a surprise if a family dog has a leash or a collar. This is a family puppy. She picked it up with, you know, the kind of headlock arm around the, but it was under the puppy's arms. Do you know what I mean when I say the puppy's arms? And his little back legs are dangling.

This is like a pose that a Precious Moments figurine would be in. And then she's just walking back and forth. She like walks as far as she can. She can barely walk without carrying a puppy that's as tall as she is. Like when she holds it under the arms with one arm, it's little, it's fat little legs just are about two inches off the ground. It's bottom fat legs. And then it's little stumpers that are up top are just sticking straight out. Because it's,

it's got, it's back to her chest. You know what I mean? Like they're both belly forward. Okay. The puppy's dick is out too, but they're both belly forward. Now we're talking.

And she's just, she's just like- You paint a beautiful picture. Toddling as far as she can. I'm going to call it 15 feet while holding the puppy, gets exhausted, drops the puppy, falls over, gets back up. Puppy's looking at her. She goes, and then she picks up the puppy's looking at her. She goes, and then she picks up the puppy,

walks the other direction. Oh my gosh. And then, fucking coup de grace, the reason I can't podcast. She gets on a swing. Her dad is pushing her in the swing. Puppy's just underneath trying to bite her butt.

Jesse, do you... Jumping up trying to bite her little baby tush. Were you briefly inside a family circus comic? Were you transported Spider-Verse style into a family circus comic? Oscar got mad at me for not being focused enough on the

basketball. Right. And I'm like, this might... Like, I am 42 years old. I think literally this might be the cutest thing I've ever seen. Like, I had three babies of my own who went from baby to infant to child to toddler. I don't know what the order is. I don't remember. This was three, four years ago.

They went through their whole own child. I have two siblings who I remember as babies. You have family pets. My sibling, Brendan, used to go around and put on sunglasses and say they were a walk star. Yeah. Yeah. And it wasn't nearly as adorable as this beautiful child, this little brown-eyed girl with a ribbon in her hair

and a giant skirt carrying around a dog that was exactly the same height as her. I mean, that's really amazing. Imagine, Jordan, if I came up behind you and put my arm around your chest and lifted you up off the ground and then was toddling around. And then said, like, every day is a gift. Exactly.

Beautiful. Every day is a gift when we have little doggies. So this was Sunday, which was yesterday, as of this record. Was this a Father's Day activity? Just prowling the park for toddlers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We had gone, we went to the San Francisco Giants game.

Yeah. So there's a lot of, we're in a, I feel like I'm trapped between you, our producer, and our guest. Yeah. I'm kind of flanked by dads on all sides. We're coming at you. I, can we- Let's introduce our guest. Yeah, I want to hear about all the Father's Days. I'm kind of flanked by dads on all sides. We're coming at you. Let's introduce our guest. Yeah, I want to hear about all the Father's Days.

Because our guest on the program has a baby in the offing, as they say. Dad to be. He's about to turn off a baby, which pretty dark. Sure. You paint playhouses, don't you? It is. Stand-up comic and a beloved regular guest on Jordan Jesse Go making his second appearance, Steve Hernandez. Hi, Steve. How are you?

Nice to have you back. Great to be here. A lot of people were trying to wish me happy Father's Day yesterday. My wife's four months pregnant. I said, I am not taking responsibility for this child yet. Not until it's born. Right. If something goes wrong, it's my wife's fault you're gonna wait and see yeah yeah so i will not accept that at all right now overall i would recommend as a parent just take a wait and see all of it i was like no no no no i'm not a dad yet don't put that on me so you were like ripping up

cards you were you were kicking edible arrangements down the street. Mostly Instagram story messages and then me thumbs downing them back. Without explanation. Yeah. You must, okay, so you had a real Father's Day. Yeah, went to several innings of the ball game. That's about as much as you can ask. You went with your whole family?

Went with my whole family. We took – this is the scheme that we came up with. We would all go together to show support for dad. And we would get the premium parking. And then when two of my children were done, I would give the key to my wife and she would take them home. Leave me with Oscar. Oscar and I would go until Oscar was done. Then we would take a Lyft home.

So kind of a tiered system. Yeah. That's smart. That's really smart. That's really clever. The tiers were second inning and fourth inning. Oh, man. Those were the tiers.

Wow. For our don't worry, all baseball tickets cost $85 now, apparently. So it went great. Can you stay that off with like, okay, now we're doing nachos. Now we're doing ice cream. Second to the fourth inning was just a whole walk around the whole stadium. There was a, let's go get a churro there was and at some point oscar just looks at me and says i'm pretty full dad i'm like god damn it if this

nine-year-old is telling me so yeah i don't know but you know giants giants swept the diners so i'll take it so steve you are you did you do any father's day stuff or did you just reject all of it? I reject all of it. I'm barely getting to an okay place. I'm looking for therapists right now. Um, you know, we, we thought my wife wanted a kid. We were both on the fence when we got married and we started dating and then she just tipped. And then I was like, okay, well, you're going to have to convince me. And I love her. That is a great approach to Karen.

So she created a PowerPoint presentation. No, no, she tipped. And, you know, every time like something, like some kind of disaster would happen, I would be like, really? We're going to bring a kid into this world like that and look at her? But she would just quietly like look at me like she's not going to, she's not giving any room. Like, she, you know, I'm not going to bend her any of this way.

And then I remember at one point, my wife's also a stand-up comedian. And she goes, we were driving home and she said, we're both artists, right? And I said, of course. And she was like, I feel like my great art will be having a child. And I was like, God damn it. I guess we got to have a kid. I mean, what is a child but a sculpture with organs? You know what?

I understand because I was in that same position, you know, working, doing comedy with Jordan. I was with my wife. We were, like like trying to decide, should we have a kid? My wife got pregnant and I, I told her we're artists. I said, she said,

yes. And I said, well, I feel like my great art is sandwiches. Right. Right. And what's a child, but a sandwich with organs.

Hey, Matt Lee, producer of the show. You can talk on this, right? Yeah, what up? This is your first Father's Day, right? This is my very first one, yeah. Father's Day number one. Well, first of all, Jordan, regular listeners to Jordan and Jesse Goh know that I celebrate Father's Day every day. So happy Father's Day to you every day.

That's right. This is a famous guy who came up to Jesse and said this. Now, came up to is strong. Passed by in the street. I had my child on my shoulders while outside Kaiser. And he said to me, happy Father's Day to you. Every day. How close were we to actual Father's Day?

Weeks. Okay. I'm just getting excited in advance. I definitely want to hear from Matt, but there's a big anti, I don't know if you've seen this, but there's a lot of bitter dads with baby mamas or exes or something that say, moms better not, if you're a single mom, you better not try to claim Father's Day. There's a lot of anti single mom sentiment when they try to say, I'm the only dad. They're like, you better just give it to us.

There's a lot of that going on right now. Don't you dare try and get two breakfasts in bed two bad shitty breakfasts that a kid tries to make but it can't because the kid can't make breakfast and you have to pretend to like it matt i don't want to get you any trouble but did you guys just both agree oh yeah i can't wait to have a kid and we're gonna have kids yeah i mean we thought about it we talked about it you know uh we were like do we want kids thinking and talking oh you did both things i mean we thought about it we talked about it you know uh we were like do we want kids thinking and talking oh you did both things yeah well we thought about it separately first and then we talked to each other about what our thoughts were and we decided um that like kids are cool kind of cute and it would be fun and uh mostly i was just you know trying to have sex with your with your wife yeah yeah

hell yeah man i don't want to brag or nothing but i had said matt what's up i totally get it i love having sex with my wife wives wives wives. We should hang out more. All right, here's my big problem, was that I thought it was going to take a while. One cum. Wow. A single cum? A single mighty cum. Just ba-boom.

One cum when she was ovulating. You know, I've never, I don't do that usually. One cum, and then she was pregnant. You're a no-fap guy. You don't come at all not during no not november not during no not december i'm not greedy okay i can't say you're trying to save your power for the ring all right but one so the fact that she got pregnant so quick i think was so jarring for me because i thought i was gonna have some time to adjust to it but

now that it's like four months and stuff, I'm pretty excited. But also, I can't fathom what it's like at all, you know, right? You just lose your sense of self. That's the central part of it is that there's a period where you're fighting losing your sense of self. And then after a while, you're like, I don't know, fuck it. Well, let me ask you a question, though, because I would always feel like as a dad you know moms do so much typically i think you don't ever feel like oh great this is my day you didn't feel that way right what do you mean like well did you be like father's day yes this is my day celebrate me i've worked for this thing. Like you will today. I am a princess.

Yes. Yes. I mean, I wear a tiara. Sure. You found that pee I put under your mattress. Ow! Dude, pee in the toilet. It's gross.

Dude, I'll pee where I want. No, I understand what you mean. I mean, like in my family, I can only speak for my family, but they are legitimately incredible parents. Like that, you know, they've, I've been with my wife since we were teens. So like I've known them my entire adult life and a little bit of my pre-adult life and just incredible parents. Incredible parents. And my parents are are are slash were incredible people and loving, but struggled with many of the other parts of parenting. And so, like in my family, it took a long time for me to think anything other than I'll just do whatever Teresa says. I have so little confidence in my ability to make any decision about parenting at all.

Because all of my parenting instinct, like all the natural instincts inside me, were just saying like, yeah, put them on a city bus by themselves. You know what I mean? No, I think I'm absolutely terrified like that same – for that same reason because my wife had a very – her parents are great and everything. I love my parents to death. They could have done a better job. Sorry, guys. They did their best.

Not good enough. Sorry. Steve, I think you turned out great. Oh, thank you. I do feel, though, like, did you guys see the IT TV movie? Oh, sure, the Tim Curry one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes.

You know, the whole first one, the kids beat the clown. They beat Pennywise. But if he comes back, then the guys calls them all back, and they have to come back. And at the end of the first part, there's a guy who's just like i'm not doing this again and he kills himself and i would i feel like i'm that guy about going back to my traumatic past and my soon-to-be daughter is pennywise coming for me coming for me i literally i will have like uh i will have regular – I've been with my wife for 20 – coming up on 25 years. Wow.

And I regularly will just like put my hand on her shoulder and be like, hey, Teresa, are we getting divorced? She'll be like, no, there's no reason to believe that we're getting divorced. We're having literally we disagree about how to set the table or something. And I'm like, I'm pretty sure that all families get divorced. I believe that all relationships are binary. They're either perfectly successful or gone forever. Yeah. So I think that was like the biggest challenge for me was believing that I was capable of.

I would often say to Teresa, like, am I a bad parent? She'd be like, no, jackass. What are you talking about, you fucking dick? Steve, you are from Southern California. Yeah. Do you have a grandparent situation set up for your kid? No, they're all my grandparents. They're all wiped out. yes her my kid yeah i

have my dad and my mom yeah they're both excited julia's parents are beyond stoked her parents are her mom's a psychiatrist her dad's in finance they are the parents from get out so like literally they love you know they love showing their big max at that demo you know their parties show their big mexican son-in-law around. They're like, yeah, this guy is great. But they're the sweetest, nicest people. And her mom has been saying, I'll plan my retirement or how often I work around this kid. Oh, my gosh.

They're so stoked. They're so excited. It's the one thing. I've never lived anywhere else besides L.A. And as a comedian, I feel like I'm missing out because of that. But also, if we're going to have a kid, we need all the support. We have all the support. We're very lucky.

We're very excited. So that makes it that makes it genuinely like I think the hardest part for us of having a kid was not having that support. Like my wife's parents are also incredible grandparents, but like my family who were loving, but not helpful grandparents and, uh, and my wife's family all live in the Bay area. So like, you know, my dad would come down and, and, uh, stare lovingly at my children or like my mom would come down and, like, announce things that she was going to do if anyone else wanted to participate. We're going to have to talk off air,

because I'm telling you, your parents had a lot like mine. But, like, yeah, I think just having a little bit of backup makes a big difference. Yes. Yes. I've got a little bit of a personal announcement here. We're talking about families, expanding families. All right.

Are you getting a son? No, I got to get a son. I'm working on it. That's my catchphrase. I feel weird when you set me up for that and we have a guest who doesn't do it. No, it's great. Is the catchphrase of getting a son? It's a two-tiered catchphrase.

So there's two parts of a catchphrase. It's a call and response. So initially, Jordan was upset that he didn't have a son to share things with. And so he would say, I've got to get a son. And then I would, because I enjoyed hearing him say that so much. It's his catchphrase primarily for my enjoyment. I genuinely love it. And it's funny that this catchphrase needs explanation,

but does not have an interesting story attached to it. That's pretty good. So you have to explain that it's just something that happens. Yeah. And then after, I would ask him about if he's going to get a son or if he'd like to get a son or whatever. And then that, of course, he added his second catchphrase. I'm working on it.

I'm working on it. That's a good one. Thank you. Thank you. We have a lot of fun. He's sort of like Bob Hoskins as Mario in the Super Mario Brothers movie. Sure, yes, exactly. And I have jump boots.

I have cybernetic jump boots. And soon I will defeat Dennis Hopper. Yeah. My sister is pregnant, so I will not have a son, but I will have a nephew soon. Well, Jordan. You haven't got a nephew yet? No, first nephew. You've got strong uncle vibes.

Thank you. Yeah, I know. Honestly, I'm not nuts about it, but I'm like, I can see it. I can see it. Now, Jordan, I wouldn't presume that you won't get a son. Yeah. Because you don't know the gender of your sister's baby. Sure.

And you don't know if she or the other parent will survive. That's true. So cross your fingers, buddy. You still got a shot at this thing. Wow. I almost have a son. All it takes is one terrible tragedy. Yeah.

Being an uncle is way better than being a parent. Oh, okay. It is incredible. way better than being a parent. Oh, okay. It is incredible. Maybe I'm pivoting. Because you have no responsibility for their well-being. You love them. Maybe this is weird that I was surprised by this, but as a person from a relatively small family,

and both my parents moved across the country to get away from their families. Like when my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, my wife's sister and her husband, have two children. And when they came out, when they appeared on the scene, I was stunned at how immediately I loved them. I was like, oh, yeah, they could come live at my house forever if they needed to or whatever. No problem. Let's go. Need me to fight somebody? I'll do it. And to get to have that kind of feeling about a kid and also you just truly,

you don't have to worry about them you just go do some bullshit with them that their parents wouldn't let them do maybe give them some like questionable advice and then like leave 100% like fucking hang them upside down by their ankles

and run around and then drop them and go, ha ha ha, and be like, uncle, out of here. And then say like, invest in gold. It's all that's safe. And then you leave, but they remember that for the rest of their lives. Yeah, they're like, well, Uncle Jesse always said. Did the two of you have like beloved uncles growing up?

Do you remember like an uncle doing a good job? I had one uncle. That's all it takes. And he was single. So he would always take us to Toys R Us every year on our birthday. Okay. Or something. Like maybe he did that four times.

Right. So not even every year. But that enough, he got us a Nintendo. We remember there was the big one the entertainment system and then there was the action pack it was just this with one controller yeah sure he got us that and got you the act he didn't get you the whole with rob the video robot 80 dollars or whatever but this was 80 dollars meant something sure and uh yeah i i was 11 years old not now i'll rip up 80 I don't give a shit.

Watch me. Now people just spend $80 on gay marriages. Right. Here's $80. Can I get a pronoun? Thank you. Do you date? Huh?

Do you date? I'm working on it. I'm working on it. I'm telling you, the dates, man. Dating, just a regular kind of little casual thing, you're going to drop 120. But what is the uncle situation, Steve? Oh, yeah. So you had a Nintendo uncle. Oh, yeah.

Okay, so that guy, he was- I just want to take that. Can I be Nintendo uncle? I know. You 100%. I mean, you're already Oscar's Nintendo uncle. That's true. Coming over and teaching Street Fighter combos. Money. I mean, you're already Oscar's Nintendo uncle. That's true. Coming over and teaching Street Fighter combos.

Money. I mean, you just throw down money. Like, I have two nephews. I give them money every time I see them. Love it. $10, $20, you know, whatever it is. I know I'm just going to imprint this on their head. That's why you should still keep cash on you.

You know, uncle cash. Uncle money in your sock. Peel off some tens. Did you hear what I said? The only thing I remember is this guy bought me stuff, and he's my hands-down favorite uncle, and I would honestly do whatever he wanted, whatever he needed from me to this day.

That's great. My Aunt Gail used to take me for back-to-school clothes. Yeah. Loved it. Yeah. Loved everything about it. The closest to a real – I had what I would call a three-uncle situation.

Now, did I have one uncle who was in long-term mental health care? Yes. He doesn't count. I was a little scared of him. But I had my – the closest, like the classicist uncle was actually my Aunt Gail's partner, Deb, which is a butch aunt, but she was very butch. Sure. I mean, within us all, there are three uncles. Nintendo uncle, mental health uncle, and Aunt Deb.

They dwell within us all. Deb was super cool. Always had a diet Dr. Pepper. Oh, yeah. Really liked El Caminos. Very cool uncle. And then I had, on the East Coast, I had two uncles. One of them was a good old boy uncle.

Mm-hmm. Just a real, with great fondness, and he would describe himself as a real redneck guy. Mm-hmm. a real redneck guy with a boat and a farm and a giant motor vehicle. Like it was like a suburban kind of car, you know what I mean? And go to their house and they had, you know, like a well with frogs in it, that kind of thing. And like a goat, fireflies. And there was a lot of go-karting with that uncle

yep um and a lot of just generally like thinking that i jesse am a pussy but having a really like positive supportive attitude about it like like it's cool that you're a that you're a pussy j Jesse. Like, I'm going to help you do cool stuff. Sure. You know what I mean? Listen, we can change it all. Just break your leg jumping off a tire swing. Exactly.

And that'll set you on a course, on a proper course. But I also had a very, very, very sweet, wonderful nerd uncle. My Uncle Wayne would like like what were those like uh there was like there was like robots you built out of connects you know what i'm talking about you remember connects kind of okay well it's some kind of robot that you built out of connects that he had there was so we would build robots together and he also was the uncle who had uh the machine that took the like uh stutter and shimmy out of vhs tapes when you copied them from the oh no rental store like the thing that went in between two vcrs so you could make copies of videos from the video store it is really amazing

i'm i'm i'm i'm learning while we're having this discussion that you can succeed as an uncle with just one or two qualities. You don't have to be a whole person. Jordan. I'm thinking, you know, I have two aunts on my mom's side that I really love who are pretty wonderful people. And I did have one uncle on my dad's side that I really liked. I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm trying to think. Like, oh, Uncle Joey. Uncle Joey was fucking great.

Still is, still is a great, still with us, still a great guy. And I'm like, what did I like so much about that guy? Well, he was nice. He had a cockatiel and he had a big VHS collection of Broadway shows. And I didn't know where, it seemed like he shouldn't have them.

Whenever we would watch them, I'm like, how do you have these? then i think i guess probably pbs right like it's like a pbs gift right oh yeah but he just had a lot of collections of like famous like like um like ah here's bernadette peters and into the woods anyway this guy was great and i'm like i to have a to have an uncle that has bernadette peters and into the woods mean, that is the dream, isn't it? Yeah, absolutely. And a cockatiel who can say stuff. For every little fancy lad like you and I.

Jordan, I mean, honestly, I'm going to be frank with you. You know, it's easy to say you should just be the Nintendo uncle. I thought you were kind of building. I'm going to be frank with you, Jordan. Stay out of the kid's life. Just for a tongue good. Don't go anywhere near it. Hit the road now and do not call.

This is my record. Fake your own death in a boating accident. This is my frank advice to you, Jordan. I think that being a Nintendo uncle would certainly go great. Sure. Taking a kid to theater or comedy shows, you know, like I used to go to a lot of concerts and stuff with my Aunt Gail. But those things are really sort of going to be in the kid's memory.

Those things are really sort of going to be in the kid's memory. They're going to be gravy on top of the mashed potatoes that are your frosted tips. Yes, yes. You're like the extraordinary aesthetic that the combination of your swimming in chlorinated water and your big, beautiful beard present make you unfuck withable as like you are solid gold as an uncle yeah there's you literally could not fuck this up sure yeah i know this is this this the my current look is a new development and yeah maybe it's like coinciding with the birth of my sister's kid in a really nice way. This child is just going to be looking up at you

with awe and love every moment that you're in the same room as them. Because they're going to be like, look at this incredible human being who's so much cooler than my parents. Sure. You know so much more about Nintendo than my stupid dad.

I mean, to be fair, you probably do know. Who knows what kind of Nintendos that kid's going to have available to him? Oh, man. This is the magic of parenthood, is you just think this little zygote, this little, as you so eloquently put it, Steve, a single cum. That a single cum. Yes. Yes.

Put within their lived experience. No, an extraordinary rainbow of Nintendos. Be they 3D Nintendos. Nintendosintendos. Be they 3D Nintendos, Nintendos that give you sexual feelings. Yeah. Like it attaches to your sex parts. Are you predicting different possible kinds of Nintendos they might invent

within the lifetime of our children's generation? I do, I do. I have an uncle that works at Nintendo and he told me that they're building one you can fuck. Anyways. I mean, maybe it's just like it does your homework or whatever. That's probably first. They're probably working on that first, and then down the line, 2030, 2035.

I don't know. Let's say you worked at Nintendo. You were a Nintendo designer. Yeah. Which one would you rather have at Nintendo too? No. Some fucking, do some fucking boring ass homework or suck your dick? You know what?

You're right. Jordan, you don't work at Nintendo. No. I'll grant you that. Steve, do you work at Nintendo at all? No, no, no. Okay. So neither of you guys work at Nintendo, but if then.

Right. Okay, so supposing that. Yes, sure. Acting is reacting in extraordinary circumstances. I can go there mentally and emotionally. It's like something you work on your own, like at home, right? Yeah. Like that for Small Wonder or something like that.

I'm going to do this at home. No one's going to really want to look into this too much. Yeah, don't do this on your work computer. No one's going to really want to look into this too much. Yeah, don't do this on your work computer. That would be a good 80s high concept sitcom, I think. A guy who invented a Nintendo that sucks. Comes on after Webster or whatever. It's a sitcom, but it starts at three on Sunday?

Would you like to swing on a star? Different sitcom. Would you like to have your dick sucked by Luigi? Whoa. Whoa. You get to choose which character? It's like Mario. You're not going to have a Nintendo that sucks dick if you can't pick from its library of beloved characters.

I just assume sucking you're picking your mind they'll all do it differently. Yes, exactly. They all have a different move or different texture. They're really well balanced. Sure. With Donkey Kong it's kind of romantic. And with Luigi

Dev's nuked Toad. Toad is OP with ReSD. Bev's nuke toad. Toad is OP with re-SD. Right. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Goff. It Love you, love you, love you, love you

It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Well, first of all, I tip my hat to the members of Maximum Fun. If you are a member of Maximum Fun, we thank you for making this show possible. Jesse is literally tipping a top hat with steampunk goggles to you, the Max Fun supporter. Hey, speaking of things that I do love, let's talk about microdosing.

Oh, yeah. Love to microdose. We are, of course, also supported by the good folks over there at Lumi Labs, the microdose folks. They make microdose gummies with perfect entry-level doses of THC that help you feel just the right amount of good. Not so good that you feel bad about it, just the right amount of good. So good that you continue to feel good. That's how good you'll feel. Yeah.

Yeah. These little gummies are awesome. Like Jesse said, just the perfect little kiss of THC to help you sleep, to help you chill out. Great to take at the end of the day. And they taste good, too. I like the wild berry flavor myself. We just got a delivery.

I mean, I just got a delivery. I mean, I just got a delivery of microdose gummies from LumiLabs. Ooh la la. I don't think there's anything better for a responsible adult to get in the mail than drugs. If you're a responsible adult. Right. If you're out there, if you pay your estimated taxes four times a year. Oh, I love to pay those quarterly estimates. If you put a little more money in the meter than you think you might need, just in case,

get yourself some drugs in the mail, courtesy of Jordan Jessico. Microdose is available nationwide. To learn more about microdosing THC, go to microdose.com and use code JJGO to get free shipping and 30% off your first order. Links can be found in the show description. But again, that's microdose.com, code JJGO. Hey, Jesse, we're also sponsored this week by the good folks at Zip Recruiter. Good to have the crute back. Oh, yeah, we love the crute.

It sounds like croup, a cough you don't want, but this is the crute, a service that you do want if you're looking to hire. Jordan, with Maximum Fun becoming an employee-owned cooperative, I'm now one of many owners of Maximum Fun. But you know what that means? That means hiring's even more important.

That means that we even more need highly qualified and motivated candidates. And the robots inside ZipRecruiter are the ones who can find them for us. Finally, some robots finding jobs for humans rather than taking them, right? Right? So tired of these robots taking jobs. They should be finding jobs for humans. That's what I just said.

I said that exact same thing. No, I thought of it myself. Oh, cool. A hundred percent. Okay, anyway, it can take up to 11 weeks Oh, cool. A hundred percent. Okay. Anyway, it can take up to 11 weeks on average to hire for a new position. ZipRecruiter can cut that down for you. Stop waiting.

Start using ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter helps you find qualified candidates for all your roles fast. See why 3.8 million businesses have come to ZipRecruiter for their hiring needs. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo to try ZipRecruiter for free. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. And Jordan, we've got something up on the Jumbotron this week. Oh, yeah. This is a real treat. Of course, we love sharing any listener message with our listeners.

Listener message is for the listeners. We love to share them. But this is a double extra scoop of treat because today we're telling you about the great show Housebroken that you can watch on Hulu. we're telling you about the great show Housebroken that you can watch on Hulu. This is a hilarious talking animal animated show about a bunch of animals in group therapy. It is hilarious. I never miss an episode. The creator is the great Jennifer Crittenden. On the writing staff, our buddy Elliot Kalin. That's a regular Jordan Jesse Go. How could anyone not watch this show? Let me say this. Not just that. How about favorite Jordan, Jesse Go guest?

Tony Hale is in the cast. And also people who haven't been on Jordan, Jesse Go, but should be because we think they're great. Lisa Kudrow, Sharon Horgan, Sam Richardson, Clea Duvall, Nat Faxon, Will Forte, Sam Richardson, Tim Simons, Brescia Webb, Greta greta lee oh someone who has been on the show and destroyed maria fucking bamford yeah maria fucking bamford is how it's written in the copy of course the copy here it says maria fucking bamford you should always respect her by calling her maria fucking bamford so i'm glad they did that in the copy the fucking

legend herself the bammer there's only one the greatest of all time the bammer is hilarious in this show as are all those comedy geniuses it is it is really great it's a really uh funny show it's a really sweet show I never miss an ep and you shouldn't either uh housebroken on hulu you'll laugh a. Nat Faxon is a good dog. Yeah, good casting. If you need a talking dog, get Faxon in there. Let's say you want a talking dog with an Oscar. Go to Faxon.

Go to Faxon. Hey, speaking of things you can laugh at. Yeah. I've got a new issue of Archie Horror. Jordan, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. You've been writing your own Archie comic books. Anybody can go. They can order them in their local comic book store, or they can buy them as soon as they come out.

I'm sick of hearing about that, and I'll tell you why. It's because how am I supposed to get mine autographed? Jesse, here's what you're gonna do you and everybody else in the southern california area you're gonna come to golden apple comics saturday july 1st 1 to 4 p.m and you're gonna get your copy of camp pickens the new archie horror anthology spooks and laugh extravaganza you. You're going to get signed by me. You're going to get it signed by Blake Howard, who also has a story in the book. And you might get some comics signed by some surprise guests who are going to show up at our group signing. So this is going to

be a- It's Todd McFarlane. It's not Todd McFarlane. No, it is. It's Todd McFarlane. It's Seth McFarlane. He's going to sing to all of us. You like crooning, right, Jesse? Hey, I love Archie Horror Comics. And of course, I love The Great American Songbook. Well, you're in for a treat. Golden Apple Comics, July 1st, 1 to 4 p.m. Come get those books signed. Don't make me look like a jerk in front of the comic book guys. You got to

show up to this thing. These guys are very judgmental.'re famous for yes july 1st and look if you're not in southern california you can still buy the fucking thing you can buy the fucking and hey you just buy the fucking thing you got a fucking pull list get your yeah get it on the pull you fuckers have a fucking pull list no you go talk to the guy that keeps your fucking pull list. Tell him to, what's it called now again, Jordan? It's called Camp Pickens. Yes. Yeah, let's not, go to your fucking pull list guy, slide him a joint.

You know that guy likes to blaze. That guy's fucking blazed all the time. He's blazing in the back of the store. And then tell him you need to pull camp pickens so once again golden apple comics saturday july 1st 1 to 4 p.m me blake howard surprise guests and uh hey if you can't make it to the signing uh you can get signed copies from golden apple so hit them up on their website if you still want that signed copy okay anyway if you want to get up on the Jumbotron, MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron,

whether you want to share a personal message or you want us to plug something for you, if you're a Jordan Jesse Goh listener, we love to share it with our community. And yeah, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Goh. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, pow, pow, pow. No, Jesse, just pow. Oh, right. Well, we don't know how. I mean. Oh, I do.

I know. Fair enough. Yeah, Steve's teched me a video. Oh, one come. I mean, that would be exciting. To come? If it was one. Just one, like. I've heard.

Like, you know how... I was like a Street Fighter II fireball. Just charging it up. Yeah. I was imagining, you know how a fire hose has that kind of nozzle at the end where you, like, pull it almost like a handle, like a throttle almost? And you, like, pull it open and like push it closed. That's how I'm imagining our friend Steve's orgasm. Steve's Street Fighter analogy was apt.

My lovers know that I'm reaching my climax when I say, how do you get? Well, she knew I was done when I said, it is finished. I said to my wife, Teresa, I said, honey, I main you. Yes. But you got to have a backup. You got to have a main and a backup. You got to have a backup.

Fighting game, relationship, humor. Is Oscar still into Street Fighter? Oscar is pretty into Street Fighter. NBA 2K has been very popular at the house lately, which I'm grateful for because if I'm playing Street Fighter, I'm just pressing the buttons randomly. And I can do it for a little while, but then I get bored. NBA 2K I'm into and I can like try and calibrate

so that I'm just good enough to lose to Oscar. Like I just have to pick a team. Still, Oscar doesn't know enough about basketball yet to destroy me. Just on the cusp there. Lately, there's been a real Minecraft revival around my house. Minecraft sticks around. Yeah, I think Frankie, my six-year-old, has gotten into it, and then they all want to play together,

which I was so wonderful, so glad that they want to play together that I'm all for it. And then sometimes they play a game called Minecraft Story Mode that has, like, 17 former Jordan Jesse Go guests in it. Brian Posain is in it. Hodgman is in it. Whoa, cool. Paul Rubens is in it. Hodgman is in it. Whoa, cool. Paul Rubens is in it. Wow.

He's like the bad guy. Anyway, Paul Rubens, go on, Jordan Jesse Go. I have his phone number. I should call him and ask him. Sure, yeah, you saying it on the show. That'll help less than texting him. Steve, do you have any, like, beloved video games that you want to, like, pass down to your kid?

Did you guys get swept up in Street Fighter II, the arcade game? Yeah. I mean, Jordan remains swept up in Street Fighter II. I'm playing six as we speak. Oh, okay. So you got quarters and you went down to a place and played. Okay, yeah. That was my, I think that was the last big game that I was swept up in.

Oh, nice. Great. I remember, yeah, doing chores, going to the couch, like looking for quarters and going to 7-Eleven. My wife, a lot of people don't even know, younger people don't know that 7-Elevens used to have video games inside them. Right.

Yeah, but I remember you put your quarter up. Now there's 7-Elevens inside video games. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. You can't buy a Big Gulp. You got to buy a Pro now. Thank you. This is my new character.

I just stick with it, right? Absolutely. Yeah, my 7-Eleven growing up had the Willow arcade game. There was an arcade game based on Willow. That seems like a bad and disappointing arcade game to have at the 7-Eleven by your house. I think I didn't know. I've never played it. Yes. It's a bad game. I game to have at the 7-Eleven by your house? I think I didn't know. I've never played it. Yes, it's a bad game.

I replayed it recently. I had got a ROM of it or something like that. Because I had such fond memories of playing it in the 7-Eleven. Steve, in case you're not like a big computer guy, ROM is a like... Oh, I know what that is. It's a Paul McCartney album

that people are really mixed about like some people think it's like an underappreciated classic what is that I don't understand he has an album

called Ram does he yeah oh huh interesting that's fun that's great when you gotta

explain it Jordan and Jesse go make a joke and then explain it for five minutes yeah so I replayed it because I had

such fond memories. It's kind of like just a bad, like, cheap tie-in side-scrolling game, but I think as a kid I didn't know when something was bad, so I loved it. Let me ask you this. Is Willow bad? I watched Willow kinda recently.

I really liked it. In the way that those, like, 80s kid adventure movies are, like, a lot of fun, I thought it was great. Then I should watch Willow with my children. Yeah. I definitely liked it as a kid, but it's one where I look in my memory, I think back and I'm like, hmm, maybe that was very bad. Hard to say. Yeah, I really liked it.

It's got a young Val Kilmer really going for it. It's got some fun stop motion. Yeah, pro Willow. It's not one of these not going for it Val Kilmer really going for it. It's got some fun stop motion. Yeah, pro willow. It's not one of these not going for it Val Kilmer rolls. Yeah, where Val Kilmer's phoning it in. Okay, look. It's summertime. It is.

I know because I just went to the fucking ballpark. What greater summertime activity is there than to go to the ballpark? Well, I mean, ride a Sea-Doo. But other than riding a Sea-Doo, maybe some kinds of barbecues. Yeah. Sea-Doo, barbecues, public pool. Listen, we don't have to rank the summertime activities. Yes.

We know that going to the ballpark is part of the spirit. We must put aside our natural inclination to rank things. What's your number one? Oh, okay. I'm going to have a top five, though, right? Number one, Godfather, part two. Godfather, part two is number one. Paul McCartney's Ram.

Number two, of course, is pooping. Yes. Steve, do you have any beloved? Okay. It's summertime. We, Jordan and I, are summer boys, real summer boys. A lot of people in our audience are real summer boys, irrespective of their gender, people who celebrate the spirit of summer through feeling, through, and most significantly through deed.

Sure. And I wonder, Steve, if you have any beloved summer passions, things that mean summer to you, songs of the summer, ROCK in the USA. You know, I go to the beach once a week in the summer. Wow. Once a week. Once a week. Once a week. Whether you want to or not.

Changes your life. Okay. What day do you go? Is this a Wednesday? You know, I bartend on the weekend. So Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday is like my weekend. That's where I'm like having fun. Hell yeah.

And doing stuff. But yeah, I'll do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I'll go to Will Rogers Beach. I always have a babe with me. That's a state beach. Yeah. It's right past Santa Monica. You keep going. I always have a babe with me. That's a state beach. Yeah. It's right past Santa Monica. You keep going. I always have a babe. Jordan mostly

goes to municipal beaches. I don't mean to throw you under the bus here, Jordan. I love a nice county beach. Go to Trader Joe's. Get 20 bucks worth of snacks. Some cheeses and crackers. I only go to National Seashores. Point Reyes are nothing for me. What is

that place? I don't know. It's got tide pools. And then you go, you get there, you leave kind of, you beat 10.30 you leave, and then you get out of there at 2.30 or 3 o'clock. And you're about 45 minutes of traffic. What are you up to there?

Are we talking about swimming, lunching, reading, lounging? Catching Reyes. You're lounging, and then younging? You're lounging. And then you are – honestly, you're in the ocean. I'm telling you, last year was glorious. There was – the month of September was, you know, god-awful to be walking around in. But it was the most glorious water I'd ever been into. So beautiful and warm.

And I'm telling you, you always think about going to the beach. You always think about what a pain in the ass it is. But I've never, when I'm leaving the beach, I'm never thinking bad idea. It was always a tremendous idea. What, do you, because I could see this going either way. We haven't known each other long, but I could see the answer to this question going either way. Do you have beach equipment? No, I'm pretty light on the equipment. You don't want to think too hard about this stuff.

Okay. It's like going to the gym or like having sex with your long-term partner. You just do it. Dive in. Don't think about it too much before. And then in the middle of it, you're like, this is great. I should do it more. That's all.

Do you feel that way about going to the gym? Because every time I'm in the middle of going to the gym, I'm like, fuck. I don't fit the fucking gym. You don't feel good once you get going? No. People keep telling me that that's going to happen. My physical therapist told me to exercise every day. I've been exercising every day for like two months, two and a half months straight.

Halfway in, I'm just like, fuck, is this over yet? I got to go back to watching this movie to distract myself. You don't reach a flow state. When you're walking, do you do a walk run? What do you think I am? Steve when he's having an orgasm? Old float state over here. I go for a walk run

three or four times, five times a week in the neighborhood, and I love it. Getting going always sucks, but in the middle of it, I feel great. Congratulations and enjoy the beach fuck face. With my beach bod. You're down in the water.

What about a boogie board? I could see you having a boogie board. You don't even got a boogie board in the back of the car? No, man. Just leave a boogie board in the back of the car. What about a Frisbee? No, because I'm telling you, I'm always going with babes. You don't want to mess it up.

Babes love boogie boarding. You would think. But I don't want to look stupid on the boogie board. Wait, when you say babes, you're talking about beach babes? When they get there, yeah. I never meet them there. They're regular. They're a Trader Joe's babe when you're at Trader Joe's getting the snacks,

and they become a beach babe once they're at the beach. Oh, yeah. Sharing a salad with a babe. You're just passing the little container back and forth. Your lips meet because you both took a bite of the same radish. Oh, yeah. Radish. Yeah, sure.

That's a vegetable. You're like, fucking radishes don't belong in salads. Fuck you. I'm out of here. But I go once a week. I've just done it for the past couple of years. And it's just honestly changed my life and i look forward to it before y'all i always worry about being too hot and all this stuff but i've kind of get i wear little

shorts yeah are you have you do you wear little shorts uh i wear pretty big shorts jordan jordan's great summer boy jordan's great gift to the summer this year was wearing his swimming costume in a social context. Jordan is a- You make it sound like this is a stripy one piece that a character on Boardwalk Empire- Is it not a woolen singlet? That's right, and a straw hat. Are they short shorts yes i have a i have a speedo that i swim in you know for exercise but i have you know something we've been talking about on the show is

me getting up the confidence to just wear it to like a pool party you know i have a speedo that i bought and a caftan oh there was this i think it was during the pandemic that summer where i like got you know i am queer and i got like a lot more like little shorts and I got the Speedo and this caftan. I'm like a gay site. But I still have not gotten the courage yet to put on the Speedo and wear it out in front of people. You know, yes, this is something I was dealing with up until very recently. Because, yeah, like I can see how it would be fun. But like you're like when I when I reveal it, is this going to cause a weird moment in the group?

Are people just going to not stop talking about it? But no, I mean, I wore it. They feel great, right? I wore it at a pool party. Felt amazing. My mobility was off the charts. You should have seen me moving around. You didn't have issues with constriction.

None at all. I was like, walk, run, flip. Now, Jordan, as we discussed on the program, you were wearing your Bart Simpson tank top. I was. It sounds like Steve is prepared to go full Andre Leon Talley with the caftan. Yes. It sounds like a great—no, I will say— It's a sheer caftan-like set. Oh, a sheer caftan.

Yeah, I mean, there's a little leopard print that goes with the Speedo. I bought this two years ago. This is a set? It's a set. Wow. They call it a duet. Okay. I still haven't had the courage.

I think if I went to a gay event, which I've got to go this summer, and I will premiere this thing. Hey, he's working on it. Don't steal my catchphrase. You're funnier than me, so if you start saying it, I won't have anything. I got to put myself more in these queer spaces so I can conduct. I figure out how to be myself with this stuff. So I don't know. Maybe I won't premiere the Speedo just yet there.

No. Just wear it to the beach. Look, just as when you're at the beach with a babe she is a beach babe yeah when you are queer at the beach it is a queer space yeah so my recommendation to you and and look at this is your opportunity we've had a lot of presidents talk about this a lot yes But we need people to bring together the different Americas. Of course.

And by bringing a babe together with your gay duet outfit, that's your opportunity as a bisexual polyamorous man to marry these communities in a beautiful song about the possibility of democracy. I spent $140 on this thing, guys.

Wow. It's in a box in my closet. What was that? 50-90 or 60-80, 70-70? I think it was 60-80. Steve, get it out of the box. I know. Put it on.

Yeah. Listen, I was going through the exact same thing. Yeah. And yeah. So are you going to break it out again this summer? Oh, absolutely. Yes. The seal has been broken.

I was very comfortable, had a lot of fun the first time. So I think any appropriate event, I guess the getting over the hump would truly be wearing it to inappropriate events. I love this thing so fucking much. What constitutes an inappropriate event? Trader Joe's? Trader babe yeah well you know i went to a nude my first nude beach have you ever been to a nude beach i you know i've been to a nude public park how was that a lot of fun yeah yeah it was great um but yeah where is there a where is there a nude beach in san diego i didn't i didn't know that it was great. But yeah, where is there a nude beach? In San Diego. I didn't know that it was a nude beach when I went. Okay.

I just saw my Instagram stories. You thought it was for your fellow Navy guys. I had some shows in San Diego and, you know, traffic's like six hours. It takes a, so I was like, I'm going to leave early. I'm going to go to the beach. And on my Instagram stories, I was like, what beach should I go to? And three people said you should go to Black's Beach. Okay. Black's Beach. It's down this long

cliff, and then you have to walk. It's literally like, I don't know, maybe half a mile or something down this cliff. And then I realized it was a nude beach. But, you know, I got nude, and it was incredible. So you've done one step beyond Speedo and Caftan. You know, yeah, yeah. It was mostly

just gay guys, you know? Sure. If it's all gay guys, Ian. Yeah, it was mostly just gay guys. If it's all gay guys, I'll do anything. Because gay guys think I'm hot. I don't care about that. I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about these babes, these women. Judgmental babes. Yeah, gay guys love me.

I have no problem with gay guys. I don't mind being naked around a gay guy. You're very chill with your dick out in the hunk community, not in the babe community yeah i i don't i don't know why i just feel that uh i know there's a lot of media that will tell you otherwise and there i'm sure there are gay people that are very judgmental about this gay guys that like but i've always felt beloved gay guys make me feel sexy like regularly a straight woman has never made me feel sexy in my life. The only time they've had sex with me is to connect and because they love me. Yeah, so.

Who needs that? Who needs that? Who needs that? Oh, man, what's that about? Yeah. I want someone that wants me for my body. Sure. That's sexy.

Okay. We have a summer boy. We've asked you, the Jordan Jesse Go listener, to share your summer boy experiences with us we hope that you will do so by emailing us a voice memo at jj go at maximum fun.org here is one of our first big summer boy updates of the summer hey jordan jesse and river butcher and River Butcher. This is Carl. I am in Chicago, and this is my summer boy activity.

Here in the upper Midwest, we play a game called hockey, but today I got to go to the rink and from the rink wearing shorts and flip-flops with my window down, which is nice. Stronger than ever. Love you guys. I'll tell you this.

Something I noticed, today I took Oscar to basketball camp over there at Occidental College. You familiar with this college? Mm-hmm. Liberal arts school. Sure, yeah. Obama. Little Rock area.

Obama. You know, Barack Obama went there for a portion of his- I didn't know that. Before he got his act together. They scared him straight over there at Occidental. It's a lovely college. Took Oscar over there. And my life doesn't involve a lot of jock parents because, you know, Oscar plays basketball at the rec center,

but this is beleaguered single mom's territory. This is not like jock parents, my kids are getting college scholarships territory. But you take your kid over to basketball camp and there's going to be some jock parents there. You know what jock parents love? Shower shoes. Okay.

Just all these jock dads are wearing shower shoes. Yeah, like slides. Yeah, I think slides is just a thing now. Really? Yeah. Just everybody's just wearing slides. I've seen a lot of slides. These guys are wearing sunglasses, Dodgers t-shirts, the whole nine yards.

Yeah, I don't know if it is linked to the pandemic and clothes just got a little more comfortable and people kind of got used to sweats and workout pants and stuff like that. But yeah, it seems like, listen, I'm no fashion trend forecaster. No. But as a native of Orange County, you're a sandal expert. Yeah, and the slide is different from the flip-flop. These aren't flip-flops. No, these are slides.

Okay, slides. And I want to be clear. These are not, I'm not talking about, I'm not talking about knee-high tube socks and, you know, khaki shorts. I'm not talking about, that's the only context in which I really know slides other than actual in showers. And these are, again, these are sort of like suburban middle-aged white dude jock dads. I mean, I think it is linked to like the croc becoming like not only like something to not be made fun of but something that you can wear as part of a fashion ensemble do your kids wear crocs no they don't um when they

were younger they wore those kind of those kind of uh water shoes that look like uh slip-on sneakers sure they're made of rubber i mean it is an It is a monumentally practical piece of clothing for children, and I just decided not to fight it. Yeah. But I definitely respect and appreciate Crocs above slides because at least with Crocs, you're like, look at this silly shit I'm wearing. And you can add little baubles now.

You can add little minions and a charm for your Harry Potter house. Not one of these fucking slides had a minion on it. What? Give me a fucking break. Get some minions or go home. Okay, you described them wearing slides, shorts, and a t-shirt? Yeah, but I mean, I'm talking about, but they're all wearing, and they're like, hey. You know what I mean? they're like, hey. You know what I mean?

They're like, yeah. These are suburban dads. Yeah, but they're wearing slides. See, this all tracks for me. Where is it bumping for you? I don't know. They're just out and about. Yeah, I think the slide has just kind of replaced the flip-flop.

Okay, that's what I mean. Oh, yeah, the slide has just kind of replaced the flip-flop. That's what I mean. These definitely, these dudes would have been flip-flop bros at some point. But they're also, there's another part of it which is they also don't seem chill. And they seem

like they're, like the flip-flop has that Margaritaville element where they feel like they're chill. The slide says like Adidas on it and it goes with your like track pants and it means that you just got out of a sports shower. Uh-huh. You know what I mean? I know what you mean, yeah. Like it's not that you just got in from surfing.

Sure, yeah. got in from surfing. Sure, yeah. Right, a flip-flop kind of implies a good vibes, you know, five o'clock somewhere, but maybe the slide is a little more like work hard, play hard. Here's the difference. Yeah.

The flip-flop suggests that at any moment you might start playing beach volleyball. Uh-huh. The slide suggests that at any moment you might start playing beach volleyball. Uh-huh. The slide suggests that at any moment you might start playing traditional volleyball. Okay. Just regular volleyball. That's, I know exactly what you mean. Are they wearing socks with these slides? They're wearing socks and they're wearing like athletic

garb. Huh. Yeah. So it's not like, it's not like uh, it's not like cargo shorts kind of scene. It's like a tear away athletic pants and these kinds of things. Like they look like they're about to coach a soccer game. Interesting. Yeah.

Coach a soccer game is the aesthetic. Right. Coach a soccer game. You know, my brother-in-law has a very strict, he has a strict rule. My nephews are 15 and 11, and they are not allowed to wear basketball shorts. Okay.

There's no thinking about it, except the dad does not like them. Interesting. There's a commercial that runs, regular Jordan Jesse Go listeners know, my only lived experience is the four commercials that run during baseball games. The streaming baseball games, specifically, out-of- during baseball games, the streaming baseball games specifically, out-of-market baseball games. And there's this radio commercial, there's two of them, for a brand of direct-to-consumer shorts that I'm not going to buzz market here on the program because I would like for them to sponsor us in the future so that I can cash their checks while being contemptuous of them right now. But there's this, it opens with, are you tired?

It's like, guys, are you tired of buying shorts after shorts after shorts so you can have shorts for uh so you can have shorts for sports shorts for around the house and shorts for when you want to look good shorts for a wedding what the fuck life are you describing right hey then i need one pair of shorts to bring those things together. There's a part. Do you need a formal short for getting the town? That's what it is. Are you tired of, you need shorts a little good, but are you tired of stiff cotton shorts? What's worse than cotton?

To be forced to wear cotton. What a nightmare. Is this just like pandemic blowback where we are all just so into like soft comfies now? These have a wicking liner. Oh my gosh. These are shorts that you're supposed to wear for when you want to look good that have a wicking liner. That's nice. I'm not just talking about the exterior is wicking. Obviously, they are wicking. They also have anti wicking liner. That's nice. I'm not just talking about the exterior is wicking.

Obviously, they are wicking. They also have anti-stink. These sound pretty great, actually. You're selling me on these things. I like it. I like a guard. I like to wear the underwear loose and wick-free. You don't need to wick. Just let it marinate, Steve.

Now, once I get going, trust me. These hunks are going to love it. These hunks. Babes and hunks. That's what I'm going to start calling gay guys, hunks. Babes and hunks, man. Babes and hunks. Man, more babes and hunks, more problems. You guys want to take a minute to wick down and then finish up?

I'm going to stay moist, but we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. read. Or maybe you used to read a lot, but life has gotten in the way. Kids, grad school, you name it. Maybe you don't know where to start and bookish social media is overwhelming. How do people on TikTok read so many books? Oh my god, I don't know. And maybe you've been reading the same book for six months and now it's permanently attached to your bedside table. Maybe you don't even know what you like to read anymore. We're Reading Glasses, and don't worry, we got you. We'll get you back into reading and help you enjoy books again. Reading Glasses, every week on Maximum Fun. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

All right, class. Tomorrow's exam will cover the science of cosmic rays, the morals of art forgery, and whether or not fish can drown. Any questions? Yes, you in the back. Uh, what is this? It's the podcast Let's Learn Everything.

Where we learn about science and a bit of everything else. My name's Tom. I studied cognitive and computer science, but I'll also be your teacher for intermediate emojis. My name's Caroline, and I did my master's in biodiversity conservation and I'll be teaching you intro to things the British Museum stole. My name's Ella. I did a PhD in stem cell biology.

So obviously I'll be teaching you the history of fan fiction. Class meets every other Thursday on Maximum Fun. So do I still get credit for this? No. Obviously not. No. It not. No. It's a podcast. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Suite. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Steve One Cum Hernandez. Steve, it's always a joy to have you here. And I wanted to share something really important with you. Yes. I'm pregnant. Oh, not you too.

Thank you so much. It's not you too. You're the one who decided to be poly. It's your own fault. You told me you had an IUD. You didn't want to get me pregnant. You told me you had an IUD. Yeah, you guys to get me pregnant. You told me you had an IUD. Yeah, you guys were in a hot tub.

How'd that happen? Not the water. Jesse, you said you smoked too much weed and you couldn't get pregnant. Oh, man. I'm telling you, and I know we're wrapping up, but I'm telling you, I know three guys I bartend at the Chatterbox in Covina famously, but I know three regulars who got girls pregnant, and they're just out from one-night stand kind of things. Who are these people who are getting people pregnant?

I'm telling you, I don't— It's not getting people pregnant. It's very straightforward. And there's lots of people who are actively trying to get people pregnant, and it's not succeeding. Yeah. I'm telling you, just on—and then it's just one night stands and then they're just- Steve, you're not, hey, as much as you would like to be, you're not the only one comer out there.

The world is full of one comer. When I ask these guys, what are you guys thinking coming in these girls that you just met at the bar? All I ask is a pullout. You know what I mean? Sure. You get pregnant and you pull out still. At give me that but you just did it and people are meeting at the chatterbox where you bartend going home and getting pregnant yes yeah three and i'm telling you these women should

run a service for people that want to have children but i don't start coming in on my nights see this guy works at cost, but he delivers the goods. This dude is a one-shot. And honestly, you do a lot worse than working at Costco. This is a good job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's upstairs. Treat their employees right at Costco.

Yeah, yeah. Here's the thing. If I learned anything from sex ed in eighth grade, it's what the woman from Planned Parenthood told us, which was pulling out is not an effective means of birth control. Even if you say you're a mop, master of pullout. Wow. She said that? I've been thinking about that for 30 years.

I've never heard that before in my life. 30 years I've been thinking about mop, master of pullout. And then motherfuckers thought MLB stood.B. stood for Mop and shit when it stood for Mash Out Posse, but I knew all along that it stood for Master of Pullout. That sounds like a Rob Schneider movie on Mop. My favorite Metallica song. Master.

Steve, besides the bar in Covina yeah where where can people see you performing stand-up comedy you know I'm always performing I perform like three or four

five times a week in LA but I think I'm gonna go see you at I'm gonna go see you at what's it called Kurt Brun at Hot Tub yeah yeah

I'm hosting this week but this will be out after I'm doing a great show at Dynasty Typewriter on July 5th Chris Estrada made a short film that I'm doing a great show at Dynasty Typewriter on July 5th. Chris Estrada made a short film that I'm in that's really good. Chris Estrada of this full fame. So it's going to be Chris Estrada.

We love Chris Estrada, Pastor Jordan. Jesse, go guess. Oh, great. Yeah. You love Chris. Everyone loves Chris. It's going to be me, Chris, and Kirk Fox at Dynasty Typewriter on July 5th. They're going to show this short film called The 5th of July that's very funny. But that's going to be a great show and I really do think I'm going to bring my nephews

to that because they've never seen me do stand-up and it's time. Let's get Chris Estrada to put us in this full. He got a second season. Put us in the fucking show, Chris. I auditioned for a part, didn't even get it. Felt like he wrote it for me. Come on, Chris. Jesus Christ, Estrada.

Yeah, there's a guy named Steve, bisexual, used to be in a Christian rap group. Why didn't I get this? Wow. It went to Chris Pratt? That guy gets everything. I get it. He's a hunk.

Sure. Hey, can I replug, Jesse? Would you permit me a replug? I would love a replug. Yeah, I'd plug this during the break, but I just want to remind people on July 1st, you can come down to Golden Apple Comics. I'm going to be signing my new Archie horror book, 4 to 6 p.m. I'm going to have some special guests.

It's going to be a group signing. Get some books. It's going to be a lot of fun. How about this? Yeah. Do you mind if I do a quick plug? Please. I feel bad because these are sort of Southern California

plugs. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. If you're in the Sacramento area, in Northern California, you can tour the State Assembly. Oh! So you just have to ask your Assembly member and they will give you permission to, and sometimes you might get to see or even meet the Governor. Oh my god, that sounds

like a blast. What do you think is more exciting, meeting the governor or meeting me at Golden Apple Comics? Wow. I mean, they're both one-come situations for me. Pull back the throttle. That's what I say. Seriously, if you come to Golden Apple, don't make me look like a jerk. What's the date again?

That's the 1st, July 1st, 4 to 6 p.m., Golden Apple Comics. Darn, you don't want to look like a jerk. Don't come on the governor. Sorry, governor. Listen, not my fault the governor is so hot. Governor Dreamboat over there. Do you think if the governor went to the beach, he'd be a beach babe? He'd be a beach hunk.

Beach hunk? Yeah. He's a hunk. He's a good-looking guy. You guys don't think he's good-looking? Beach Hunk. Beach Hunk? Yeah.

He's a hunk. He's a good-looking guy. You guys don't think he's good-looking? Look, I've thought this guy was good-looking since he was appointed to the San Francisco Board of Supervisors by Mayor Willie L. Brown Jr., okay? You don't have to tell me. This is, I saw him before they were on a major label here. I knew him back when he was still married to the woman who's now married to Donald Trump Jr. or whatever. Shout out to Kimberly Guilfoyle Newsom.

Sure. The former Kimberly Guilfoyle. Now Kimberly Guilfoyle Trump, I guess. I don't know. Jesus Christ, what an insane person. They're all fucking bonkers. You know what? It's your own fault, Jordan.

You're the one who brought up these fucking clowns. Sorry. No, I'm sorry. You know about these fucking hunkers. Steve, you know about, you ever been down to the nation's capital there, Washington, D.C., right there in between Baltimore and Richmond? Once. It was very muggy. Okay, well.

Yeah. I hope you didn't show up there in a fucking Volkswagen bug, because you'd get out and you'd come behind you a bunch of these fucking clowns. Fucking clowns. They love that song. It's the only song they like. Never heard that song before. I've never heard that song.

It's like a clown song, I guess. I don't know, Jesse. Excuse me. Congresswoman Zoe Lofgren, what would you say is the song of the summer? Is it R-O-C-K in the U.S.A.? Oh, I'm glad you asked. As a congresswoman, my song of the summer is...

Are you just riffing that clown song, or do you have a clown song in your head? Yeah, man. The fucking clown song's living in my head rent-free. So, wait. Are you thinking of... Because that's a clown song. That's some B-side shit right there. You couldn't even be a state assemblyman, Jordan, with your knowledge of these fucking clown songs.

Yeah, I mean, clearly I'm not. God, get a calliope, asshole. Gee whiz, grinding organ much? My gracious. Well, Steve Fernandez, it's been a joy to have you on the program. Love hanging with you guys. Thanks so much. You find me at BigHern on Twitter, Herny on Instagram.

There he is. Good follow. Still killing it on Twitter. Yeah, good. Still talking about the idol on Twitter. Someone's got to. Matt Lieb is our producer on the program. Our theme music, Love You by the Free Design,

courtesy of the Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. You can find us on the World Wide Web by going to MaximumFun.org, MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can chat about it on the internet. You can find us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne, at Jordan underscore Morris, at Jordan David Morris, and Put.This.On on Instagram, facebook.com slash Jordan Jesse Go. And, yeah, I mean, you know, just local basketball camps and stuff also.

Leave the slides at home. Don't just come in socks. Jesus Christ. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jessica. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you.