Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Schrödinger's Vegan, with Myq Kaplan

Episode Date: December 25, 2025

On today’s episode, we welcome comedian Myq Kaplan to the show to chat with us about Tom Jones, veganism, and his ability to fill-in for Taylor Swift at a moment’s notice! Myq's latest comedy special Rini is out now!* Follow Myq on Instagram. *Check out his new stand-up special “Rini.”*Celebrate 25 years of Bullseye!*Visit bit.ly/coolfight for the new comic series Predator Bloodshed, which drops Feb 25, 2026! *Order Jordan’s Predator comic: Black, White & Blood!* Order Jordan’s new Venom comic!* Donate to Al Otro Lado.* Purchase signed copies of *Youth Group* and *Bubble* from Mission: Comics And Art!JJGo MERCH ~Get Bronto Dino-Merch!Get our ‘Ack Tuah’ shirt in the Max Fun store.Grab an ‘Ack Tuah’ mug!The Maximum Fun Bookshop!Follow the podcast on Instagram and send us your dank memes!Check out Jesse’s thrifted clothing store, Put This On, and use CODE JJGO for 10% off.Follow beloved former producer, Steven Ray Morris, on Instagram.Follow new producer, Jordan Kauwling, on Instagram.Visit Factormeals.com/JJGO50OFF for 50% off.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's Radio, sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, detective. Well, I have great news for the audience. We're in a new studio.

We are. Can you see it? It's here in the historic jewelry district of downtown Los Angeles. Paint a picture, Jesse. the scene. So, uh, we're in an Art Deco commercial building. Originally, some sort of department store. Uh, today it's full of creatives like ourselves. Right. Our fellow creatives. Creative is a special word that was created by advertising guys to make themselves seem the same as artists. Anyway, creatives such as ourselves fill this building. The block is full of jewelers.

mostly selling gold-plated jewelry. So if you want to buy like a duky chain, like a full-on Bismarkey-ass chain... This is the place. This is the place to do it affordably. Yeah. I don't think that would look weird on me. No, I think it would look good.

I should do. I should buy it and then wear it. It would go with my vibe perfectly. Three doors down, there is... Great band. An extraordinary sex store. Yes.

This came up on a previous episode. Jesse, you visited this building a couple of times. I'm in it for the first time. I had my eye out for this sex shop because, you know, I like a little bit of the hubba, hubba. You know, you know me. I like to say hubba, hubba. Oh, yeah. You-hoo, I say to the pornography.

You-hoo. Did you see the sex store? No, I didn't clock it. Is it some sort of brigadoon sex store? Does it only materialize once every thousand years when the mist? No, this is a Shmigadoon sex store. This is Keegan Michael Keyes, Vanity Project, musical theater parody. Oh, right.

So it's a sex store that's also an Apple TV show where you're like, I've never heard of that, and then it's been on for four seasons. Exactly. We wish it the best. Who watches this? Honestly, I've heard it's pretty good. I'm sure. I want to get to it.

There's just so much TV. I feel like we're at peak TV. Honestly, I don't even watch TV. I just watch documentaries on Netflix. So down the block, there is a sex store. Yes. I can't believe you missed it. Today, as I was walking home to the bus from my work day, we're here in the evening.

So I went home and returned. When I was walking home to the bus, I looked into the sex store to get a good look. I didn't go in the sex store. I'm not ready for that yet. I think I mentioned on the past episode that there is a sort of sex store. throne that's in the front window of the sex store this is like if you imagine Tom Jones song yes throne yeah I think so if you like imagine an electrocution chair oh I will but it's for fucking yeah that's what this is oh I was having a good time just imagining an electrocution chair

oh okay I know you I love capital punishment smoke's coming from my ears. I took a good look inside. There's also a man cage. Oh, okay. Now, a cage for a man. Yeah. Vertical. Can anyone come in this cage, or is it a... I think you're not allowed to come in that cage. I think that's the whole point of the cage.

Oh, okay. Sure. That's my understanding. Right, right. It is like a, you know, manical, ankles, wrists above your head on chains, kind of a shower stall shaped cage? Okay, it's a seven, seven feet? Yeah, I'm going to say seven, maybe eight, seven or eight, yeah, looks like very nice quality. I didn't, I didn't, like, get up in there.

Right. Again, I was just peering through the window. Are they open? Yeah, they're open. They were open this morning at, like, ten. AM when I came in. I wonder when they do their most business. I have so many questions.

Yeah. Yeah, are you saying that like, is this a, are we, are we brainstorming pledge drive ideas? Are we doing a show from inside the man cage? I mean, I'll take the throne. You take the cage. Deal. Let's shake on it. I think, look, how about this?

Can I turn the man cage into a man cave? Can I put a beer sign in there, my beanbag chair? That would be really nice. My PlayStation. Yeah, maybe get yourself a life-sized Simpsons arcade game. Oh, God. That's the dream. Yeah.

I think we should do the show, if anything, we should do the show from the industrial shelves of boxes of perfume store. Sure, yeah. A lot of great places for potential live shows around here. Yeah. I'm the amount of excited that I am about wandering around downtown Los Angeles whenever I want to, I mean, I guess I should probably continue to work during the day. Sure. In addition.

But like the amount... You could do a little wandering. Clear your head. Get a bunch of Shrek pinatas. I mean, I have no bongs right now. Well, now you... Think about... In an hour, I could have a thousand bongs.

Yeah. I wonder, I wonder what's happened to the bong industry in, you know, in the wake of legalized marijuana. I'll tell you what I saw in the window of a store down the block from our office. Sure. It was a COVID face mask, but there's a flap on the front of the COVID face mask that you can pull open. Now, I know what you're thinking, so you can suck a dick. Right. But that's not what it was for. Underneath was a second COVID face mask, but it had a grommet about the size of a dime for you to vape through.

Wow. It was a vaping mask. That's nice. Hey, you never know when another pandemic's going to hit. It was sort of like that kind of union suit that like an embarrassed old man would wear in a cartoon strip from 1910 with the butt flap with the buttons. Sure, yes. It was like that.

But you could stick a vape in there. But the flap was covering a vape hole. Right. Incredible. Incredible. Should we introduce our guest on the program? I would love to. Our guest on the program, beloved past guest of Jordan Jen.

he go. Very, very funny man. He's got a brand new stand-up comedy special on the website, Jordan. Have you heard of this website? YouTube.com? It's the tube for me. It's called Rini Mike Kaplan. Hi, Mike. How are you? Thank you so much for having me. I'm thrilled to be here. I love listening to you. I love talking to you. I like that. There were a few times when there were opportunities for jokes. And I was like, ooh, if I was in the conversation, I would jump in. But then You each covered them, the three doors down over there. The awuga from you. The only one that went left undone is, if I may.

You want us to reset you up? Oh, no, no. It'll be clear. It'll be clear. It's a Tom Jones impression. It's not unusual to sex throne for anyone. There you go. It's the only Tom Jones song I know.

I was thinking of sex bomb. Sex bomb. You're my sex bomb? I believe it and I don't know it. Okay. That's okay. Tom Jones has a big crank. Is that correct?

Oh, I don't know that either. He's got big crank energy, certainly. You know what? I was about to ask our producer, Jordan Cowling, to look that up. She happens to be sitting next to Kevin Ferguson. Kevin, could you look that up for me? I don't want to. I'm trying to be respectful.

Right. Big crank energy. BCE. BCE. Yes. I think Kevin Ferguson gave us a thumbs up, but I think that means that means that Tom Jones did have a big crank.

Does, did? Does. I think he's very much still alive. He's alive. The crank has died, though. Too big. Have you ever seen the music? Like Andre the Giant.

The musical. Tom Jones is alive and well and living in Cardiff? No, uh-uh. He's Welsh. Ah, that's fun. I didn't know. Mike, you're visiting us from New York. You're here to visit us.

That's correct. I've been really looking forward to it. Yeah. Well, welcome. Thank you. How does downtown Longer? Los Angeles compare to your Manhattan's in New York City?

Great question. You know, it's not so different. You know, there's a lot of comedians out there that are like, man, New York and L.A. are so different. But not this guy. I'm one of those L.A. New York are the same guys. New York and L.A. are so similar. That's a fun angle. We got sex shops,

you know, and here's what I'll say about, that's one other thing I'm glad you brought up is 10 a.m. I think that, you know, you think of obviously sex for many people is a late night or at least a nighttime activity obviously sex is an all day that's a great point it's a possibility and i think it's an all day activity when i'm doing it with sting because of my lexia pro and the sex shoppers i feel like the people who like the regulars for a sex shop yeah i think they're

planners i think it's not an impulse by like we got to run out and get a dildo fast you know no it's like we're gonna we're getting ready for a weekend a long week it's coming up yeah we got to days on the horizon. Time off from work. We got a lot of groceries to get through. So 10 a.m. sex shop opens, and we're going there to get that mask. I don't know.

I kind of feel like probably a lot of the customers in that sex shop are like wearing a hotel bathrobe and flip-flops. And they stumble in and they're like, geez, you got anything 10 to 14 inches? Sort of like when you show up at the front desk of the hotel looking for condoms. Oh, yeah, like the kid in those movies that happens. sometimes. Are you talking about Home Alone, starting with Collie Colkin? I mean, probably that one. I feel like there was one with Jennifer Love Hewitt. And maybe one of the guys who was on Boy Meets World. This is, I don't remember specifically, but I have an impression. What are we talking about, Ryder Strong?

No, I think the guy, Eric, the old, the guy who played Eric the brother. Eric, the running back? Yeah, that guy. And so I think that he, the whole movie, he was trying to find a condom so that he could have with a very responsible Jennifer Love Hewitt. If this is not a real movie, I've... It should be. Call us Peacock. This would be perfect for Peacock. Yes.

But Peacock. Peacock, yes, there you go. The name of the sex shop? That's how you know Mike Kaplan is here. Look, you can't talk about a sex shop and say a word that starts with P and ends with... You can't. You can't do that. You mustn't.

Not at all. I don't... I have hardly been to... a sex shop in my life. I think I went, I've been into, there's just, there's one of those like nice lesbian-owned sex shops called Good Vibrations in the neighborhood I grew up in. I've been in there a couple times. You really, like, I do want to buy a sex product from a practical lesbian. Um, like one who's going to look in your eyes and, and just be like, yeah, I can, I can change your oil filter. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think, I think there's a

a lot of lesbian-owned. Which is, should I have an oil filter for my sex oil, by the way? I mean, you've got to change it every 10,000. Can I say there's a... Just get to check the tipstick. A lot of thermal breakdown and particulate matter. Yeah, I mean, you're going to want to invest in some green energy as well. Like, Kevin, I don't think oil will be necessary in the future, so we're transitioning away from that. Right, to like wind-powered dildos? Yes. Solar. Oh, solar dilettos. Thwit, thwit in the sound you want. Just leave the dildo out in the yard for a couple hours.

10 a.m. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, these sex people are planners. We learn that from Mike Kaplan. I mean, it's just my assessment. But I think there's probably, like, this is a busy area. There's a lot of businesses.

You could just pop in on your lunch break to browse. Yeah, that's probably, I feel like that is what the downtown here seems like. Grab a matcha. Yeah. Just see what kind of cages you can buy. Absolutely. Yeah, I think it's interesting. I love that you said that no one's allowed in the cage,

but I think it's no one's allowed out of the cage, right? It's, it's, is the cage to keep people in or out? What a great question. Holy shit. I don't mean to blow minds. What is this fucking Joe Rogan? My mind is blown right now. My mind is blown.

Put that up on the screen, whether that's, yeah, Joe Rogan or mind blogan. That guy's always having his mind blown. I'm going to be honest with you In punch out, I never could beat mine blowgun Right, yeah Well, here's the thing You got to hit him in the stomach

Before he hits you Got it And he's always going to block around his face I got it Mike, you said you're staying in a friend's guest room It's true When you're when you're in town visiting Yes

Do you prefer a friend's guest room To a hotel? You know, what I love about a friend's guest room Is that it doesn't cost money And the thing about a hotel is most of the time when I've been in hotels, they require, they want money. Sure. But I also do, like, especially now that I'm a 47-year-old man, and I understand the appeal. Oh, it's the best. It's the best age. I've ever, it's the best age I've ever, it's the best

age I am right now. And I have, like, now I have friends who have grown, you know, partners and families and, like, lives. Like, my, my friend lives with his partner and child, and they They have a whole house, like, that we can, we can, there can be noise in, like, we make noise downstairs while a baby's asleep upstairs. It's, it's that big. And the, the guest room area, it has its own, it's like a, it's like a hotel room, basically. It has its own bathroom. So I like, I like that kind of setup.

Right. Because also then you get a bonus friend time. I like, I like my friends. I like friendship. Friends are great. Big, big fan. I usually stay, when I'm in Brooklyn, New York City. I usually stay in John Hodgman's office.

John has like a little tiny apartment that's his office. And there's like a, there's not a bed, but there's like a pull-out sofa and I'll stay in there. And the other day, Hodgman sort of alluded to the idea that he's thinking about maybe selling the office. To you? Moving out of the office. Well, I haven't got that kind of capital. How much time do you think I spend in Brooklyn, New York City? Not enough to warrant that.

I mean, would I love to be able to walk to the bagel hole every morning? Yeah, a biggle is incredible. That's a good name for a bagel place. Yeah. It is a bit of a hole, too. That's even better. But yeah, so as we were saying, you know, New York and L.A., exactly the same. Very similar.

Very similar. From one to the other, stay in a friend's place. The thing that I like about downtown Los Angeles is that it matches my romantic imagination of what Manhattan would be like. Oh, sure. because I am not that, look, I grew up in a neighborhood suffused with crackheads. Wow. Crackheads everywhere. Crackheads, crackheads, crackheads.

It doesn't bother me that much. I'm used to it. I mean, as a human, my heart goes out to people struggling with addiction. I want to be clear. But, like, in terms of it freaking me out, it doesn't freak me out. And so the thing that I want from Manhattan is I want people like pushing garment racks full of furs down the street. Sure. How do you feel about two guys carrying like a gigantic pane of glass?

Yeah. Absolutely. Well, I mean, obviously I hate it during my getaway drive. Sure. Yeah. But this kind of thing is what I want. Like I want to like turn a corner and I'm like. like, oh, this is the succulent district. Oh, sure. You know what I mean? And they're just full of

stores that only sell cactuses to the trade. Oh, yeah. I now live in Manhattan in the area. I can walk easily and quickly to Madison Square Garden, which should anyone, if there's like a fallout, you know, if Taylor Swift falls ill, 10 minutes before showtime, I can fill in if she's a listener. So you're You're saying you're Taylor Swift's Regis? I mean, I'm open to it. Okay. Yeah. How well do you know the catalog?

I mean... Can I just say Mike's version? Mike's version, sure. Yeah. And also you're the king of the Easter egg. What does he mean? Is he secretly gay, I think, is one of them. My version of one of the albums is called 1978.

That's when I was born. Oh, okay. So we do a... It weirdly, though, does have a song about Travis Kelsey's dick. Yeah, it's much like Tom Jones, you know. Oh, right. It's not unusual.

We're getting a thumbs up. We're getting a thumbs up from Kevin Ferguson. Right. People call them Dick Twins. Yeah, I love, yeah, I think New York, it is romantic. I mean, it's always changing. People have ideas. I grew up in New Jersey, and so I would come into Times Square,

take a bus in at the end of high school and hang out with friends and, you know, wander the more dangerous seeming streets at the time, more sex shops. Now, New York and New Jersey, those places are exactly the same, right? Oh, yeah. A lot of people think they're different. But I will say, they have like, funny differences, like to point out? I mean, yeah, well, they're, obviously, they're both new. Right.

Oh, that's a good point. Yeah, neither of them are old whatsoever. There's no history in either. But, yeah, people think of New Jersey as smelly and New York. as well often people right here's the thing my mom lives in new jersey still and sometimes she'll come in to new york city and we'll go to a musical a broadway musical you got to take in a show we have to take in a show we've taken a show great white way oklahoma one of my that's the one perfect always yeah sirry with a fringe yeah that's how we travel down broadway right there on top

yeah that's it's on the top i don't know what that is ha ha ha ha ha it's a song from oklahoma cool yeah and uh it's a beautiful morning uh oh what one oh what one Yeah. Oh, what one. Oh, what that. Here's a thing that's happened more often, uh, than I think makes sense is that my mom and I will be walking from the Port Authority. I'll go to meet her at the port authority and then we'll walk from there to a restaurant and or show. And you guys have met at the Port Authority because you're both, I don't know New York well, but in the bathroom sucking off dudes. Um, that's, I don't think, I don't know if we're both doing that. I really only know it by reputation. Oh, yeah. No, it's, that's how it was in when I was in high school. That's what I went there for

at high school. Got it. But now, now you go in there and there's a dang Marvel movie show. It's true. It's what happened to cinema? Watching a dang Marvel movie. What happened to cinema? I don't know. It's just full of M&Ms. You know, there's people selling M&M's. Is that the like, is that the go-to example for like how New York has changed is the M&M store. I feel like I hear that used as like the poll for, it used to be all porno theaters, and now it's the M&M store. Yeah, which, I mean, that green one is sexy, so not so definite. Yeah, who needs

a porno theater? She got the green M&M. And there was something about her shoes a couple years ago. I vaguely remember Ahuga. Hubba, hubba. Asheruga. Yes. And so this is... No. No, yeah, I agree with you as well.

I disagree. It's over. It's over. Yeah. But sometimes my mom and I will be walking through Manhattan, through New York City, you know, the sights, the smells. And my mom will... Throwing hats up in the air. Shock full of nuts.

Unironically, frequently, my mom will say, New York smells great. And she means... Because we're always walking by a cinnabon or the nuts on the street. Like, it's always right there. And I'm always like, if we moved, you know, one inch in any direction, like,

but she's just on this trajectory. My mom has only ever have... positive smell associations. She can follow a smell line like Scooby-Doo. Yeah, like as if there was a pie on a windowsill. Right, she can float toward it. Yes, she's, my mom's a floater. I did, hmm, I did, does that mean something else?

Floater in New Jersey. Oh, no. I did a little walk just to get some lunch, had a great shwarma. Oh, lunch, second most important meal of the day. That's a good point. Or third. Are you just doing them chronologically? Yeah, second, yeah.

lunch, the second meal of the day. Yeah. That old saying. Yeah, unless you have brunch, then it's third. That's true. I went to, I went around the corner from our office, and there was a bunch of food happening on the sidewalk, and they were mostly sort of like something like a very small taco truck or a very large taco cart, somewhere in that medium.

Taco Mini Cooper. Yeah. Taco Peti Cruiser. Taco Petey Cruiser. And they all had a bacon-wrapped hot dog on offer. That seemed to be the main food that they were offering. That's a Los Angeles street food classic, a bacon-wrapped hot dog with grilled peppers and onions on it. And mayonnaise.

And that looked good. I thought about eating that. Oh, yeah. Those are all. The other food that they had on offer was... I think sometimes people come to L.A. And they see those and they think they shouldn't eat them. You should eat them.

Yeah, they're really tasty. They are really good. Yeah, they're really good. Sometimes I eat those on my way out of the Long Beach flea mark. That's a fun place to eat that. And this is not... This is, you know, and this is that weird, like, regional thinking that's mostly not true. But I had a bacon-wrapped hot dog in Chicago, and I was like,

this isn't as good as the L.A. one. I'm like, it's probably the same. Anyway, but I do think. The water's different, though, right? It's the water. The L.A. water makes the bacon wrap hot dog. Or the wind in Chicago. It's the humidity.

Right, yes. It adds too much wind to the hot dog. Ultimately, it's the starter that they use. Yeah. You need a San Francisco starter for the hot dog. I noticed that the other food that multiple vendors seem to be selling was something that they were calling a pulled port. pork and cheese sandwich.

Is that something you've had? No, it's not. I mean, I can picture that, and I've had pulled pork sandwiches, but as far as, like, a commonly sold street food. Like, I feel like I've had pulled pork sandwiches, like, from a barbecue place. Sure. But from a tacharia that sells hot dogs primarily. Right.

I don't know. I was hoping somebody had tried it out. It's probably good. Yeah, it does sound pretty good. You mailed some fucking cheese on any goddamn thing. Sure. You ever make one of those Mississippi. Pot Roasts?

I know. I don't think I've made a Mississippi pot roast. This is like, this is a viral. This is a viral. No, well, wait until I get to that part of this.

Okay. This is a viral recipe from, let's say, six or seven years ago in the mom community. Is it a trad wife then? I mean, basically. Okay.

Yeah, I mean, you don't have to wear a bonnet, but it helps. It helps to wear a bonnet, yeah. It's basically you take a, do you eat meat, Mike Kaplan?

I'm sorry. I don't know if I'm sorry to report. Like, I don't want to rain on anyone's parade. Like, I've been here. Like, I, I, I just want everyone to know that here's a joke. I just want to tell you a joke that I tell on stage. Okay. Okay, great. Can we set you up for it? Yeah, please, please. Hi, I'm Byron Allen. Mike, what's that joke you tell on stage often? Oh, that's perfect. I sometimes say... Like, this is joke you tell on stage? Yes. I will sometimes say, I am vegan. Look how long I went without tell. you and now I I hear you're talking about pulled pork and I remained silent until until called upon until asked and you have now pulled like the pork this information out of me so no I have I've not eaten meat in probably 23 years okay well I apologize for the meat discussion oh in coming the discussion doesn't hurt me God bless you for the discussion isn't bad for the environment yeah The discussion doesn't cause harm to people or... Thank you for saving us for many, many, many, many, many cow farts in that time.

You take a pot roast. You put it in your slow cooker. You put a package of au reju mix in there. You put a package of ranch dressing mix in there. You put a bottle of peppercini's in there. Maybe not a whole bottle, but a number of peppercheonies in there. You don't put the bottle. That would be painful.

No, no. You put the bottle in there. You dump the pepperchinis out in the sink. Just the bottle. Just the bottle. Yeah, because you need something to hold the bottle. You need a glass bottle, of course. And then you put like a stick of butter.

That was the classic. It was a full stick of butter. The stick of butter, frankly, a little excessive. Oh, yeah. But a stick of butter is what was in the classic recipe. The reason this recipe went viral, Jordan, tasty. as fuck okay this shit's tasty as fuck i mean am i the kind of fancy lad that maybe like uh browns the meat and sautees the onion sautee some onions and puts them in there yeah sure i'm just a

fancy fuck but you don't even have to do that this fucking mississippi pot roast this thing's tremendous anyway the reason i ask i thought maybe you had made that i had not made it well maybe i mean do you got a slow cooker you know i got rid of my slow cooker and have been eyeing new ones Okay, well, I recommend it. Okay. No, I love making stuff in the slow cooker. It's always fun. But you get yourself some of that Mississippi pot roast.

It all breaks down and gets into a pulled pork-like consistency. Maybe you eat that the first night with some mashed potatoes or whatever. But then you got some in your fridge. What am I going to do with this in my fridge? You take like a nice, like a burger bun or something, like a cheapy burger bun, that kind of thing. Put some of that Mississippi pot roast in there, melt a slice of American cheese on. Yeah, but that's good. Real good, Jordan.

Real good. Now, Mike, is there a vegan version of this we could make? Yeah, someone with jackfruit? You know? Jackfruit. You probably the answer is, let me say first, I misspoke. I think it's been 26 years. 26 years.

I was about to call bullshit. I didn't want to stop the whole show for that. Hello, fact checkers. 23 years. Pinocchio alert. Fuck on Kevin Ferguson. Kevin Ferguson's over there giving a thumbs down. Just looking at pictures of Tom Jones's dick.

I will say this. I have. Some family members who are not vegan. But for various holiday meals. What do you want, a fucking metal? Look, I'm a man of the people. And there's all kinds of people, and I'm a man of all of them. Any kind.

Name a person type, and I'm a man of it. Fisherman. Yeah, I'm a man of them. Tinker, Taylor, soldier. Spy, yes. Am I a man of a spy? Who knows? But that's the only one, I won't tell you.

Okay. But my, so my father's side of the family, parents divorced, my father remarried. and that side of the family holds many a large family gathering. There are, aside for me, other vegans in the mix. So there's always ample vegan options, including my aunt Sharon, numerous times over the past years. Hey, can I say it? Yes. Good aunt name.

Oh, absolutely. Good Aunt Sharon. Aunt Sharon when hosting, she has gone out of her way to make, like, ridiculous, like, fake, you know, versions of, like, she took a watermelon and smoked it for three days. to make it ham-like. Really? Yeah. A watermelon? That is such an Aunt Sharon move.

And that one, it was very strained. It tasted smoky. Like, for sure. When you got on the inside, like, probably had to smoke it even longer. Did you have to build a smoke house? It was out on her porch for those three days, I think. She just left it on her porch. That could be.

But the most successful one, she made. Was there bird droppings on it? I mean, there were some kind of droppings. I don't know if it was bird. I'm not an expert. It could have been some kind of lizard. Absolutely, yeah. I mean, who knows what I'm not, yeah.

You should get somebody on here, Kevin. He's given the thumbs down. That's fair. He says he just doesn't like your attitude. That's fair. Okay, well, then, yes, bird droppings. She made carrots into hot dogs that tasted delicious. It's doable.

Did he put the hot dogs on? a bun with condiments? Absolutely. What did she do to them to make them not just a carrot? I mean, another, a smoking with a variety of spices. Huh. Smoking with spices. Smoking with spices.

That is very cute. Yeah. I guess. Is she your cutest aunt, would you say? I have another, I only have, she is so, you know, I'm not related to her. And Deborah's a fucking smoke show. Oh, yeah. I didn't say your hottest aunt because that's Deborah.

Debra. Debra's actually my girlfriend, Rini's mom. so not my aunt but kind of aunt like thank you so much but i'm not fucking rini's mom's fucking my goodness i don't i actually don't even know if i know what we're talking about anymore making things out of carrot so here's the saying you just say things mike that's a podcast say words and then it's over i got it very sincerely support the veganism of others i think it's good for the environment. It's good for...

The number one thing it's good for is the environment. It can be good for your health depending on how you pursue it. Certainly the health of the animals as well. Yeah, good for animal welfare. I think it's great. I love to eat meat.

It would be... It's just not where I draw the line. But I'm pretty ambivalent about trying to make meat out of not meat things. Oh, hey man. I'm kind of like maybe just eat some beans, right? Beans are good. Well, here's the thing is most of the time.

Yeah, I'm a vegetable guy. I eat the vegetables. Like, if a restaurant has a thing and they're like, hey, like I've been to a veggie. Like you're looking forward to going into a coma, right? I love a coma, yeah. It's like sleep, but more. That's how I'm working on slogans. The coma society.

We're all creative. I'm a slogan guy. Yeah, I don't know if I'm A. I'm like Anne creative. Like Anne historic. Does that work? But have you guys been to veggie grill? No, what's veggie grill?

Yeah, this is kind of like a Chipotle class of restaurant with salads and everything's vegan. Yeah, it is like a vegan Chipotle. 100%. I've been there twice on this trip. There's multiple locations all over Los Angeles and beyond, but mostly Los Angeles. And I had a dish called the... What are you looking at? Riverside? Ha, beyond?

I mean... Ontario? Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's one... San Luis Obispo? There's one in Seattle. Okay. But yeah, most of them are here.

Okay. It's sort of like the solar system, you know, like Pluto's way far away. Most of the planets are pretty close. Got it. But they have a dish that I saw it for the first time a few days ago called the Buddha brunch bowl. Okay. Like a, you know, a Buddha Bowl. So it's mostly a Buddha Bowl.

What's a Buddha Bowl? It's got a lot of vegetables. And this one has, like, quinoa, it's got kale. It's got a little man flesh. I don't know if it has that, but yeah, oh yeah, yeah, it has, yeah, the Buddha has sacrificed himself as well. Of course, I now understand your wonderful joke. I didn't, and now I do. But on top it has what appears to be a sunny side up egg, which is vegan, and you cut into it and it runs.

Like, the technology is incredibly, I don't require it, but when it exists, I'm like, oh, yeah, I'll take it. I have a child that eats a lot of beyond burgers. Sure. She's not vegetarian or vegan. I have another child who claims to be vegan except for leftover pizza. I mean, a frigan. Yeah. You heard that term?

That's what, I thought a friggin is a guy that comes to your house off Craigslist. Oh, yeah, yeah, that too. Wait, I'm thinking of a rent boy. Oh, yeah, yeah. Those are confused. Yeah. Easily confused. Yeah, I mean, I can understand if food is going to go to waste and somebody, you know, who cares about

the environment and is usually vegan. It was like, well, don't throw it in the garbage. Throw it in me. And loves pizza and didn't realize pizza wasn't vegan when he announced he was vegan. Yeah, I suppose that part is that's different. Now, I'm guessing your kid hasn't thought too much

about this ethical standpoint, but at what point does pizza become left over? Does it have to be put into a zip-off bad? The line has been moving closer and closer to the purchase of the pizza. Wow. That's a great philosophical question. Like the heap paradox or, you know? When does food become a leftover?

We had to, my child is also, it's also, it's also, it's a very, very limited palette. Neurodivergent children in my household, conflicting narrow palettes. And so one of the only foods that my child who considers himself vegan will eat, except does eat pizza sometimes, will eat is the beans from the beans from the, the Mexican restaurant down the street from my house. LaBea, aka Mexican Three Stooges, because there's a legendary. There's a mural, which they have replaced, by the way. They replaced. I think I drove by and saw the new one. It was great. They're mural divergent. Yeah. They had a, they had a mural of the three Stooges on the outside in which the Three Stooges looked conspicuously Latino.

Huh. They have since replaced it with a fresh mural of the Three Stooges, completely different mural. they still definitely look Latino. The tray stooges. Yes. Anyway, my youngest child will eat their beans. We'll eat refried beans and a little bit of rice from La Beja. So we go there. I have to like regularly go to this restaurant, stand at the counter and tell Roy, the owner,

Roelio. I'm like, Roy, can I please have two quarts of beans and one quart of rice and then they'll just swap them up for me and give them to me on the way at the door? now I've never asked them what's in these beans but there's more than just beans and these beans taste way too good to be vegan I understand and I mean look I'm a fan of transparency and open communication and I'm a fan of transparency in government I'm not a fan of transparency in beans that would freak me the fuck out well that's the thing about a lot of people I feel like with transparency in food. That's actually what Crystal Pepsi was made of. Transparent beans. The more you eat, the more you boo.

See, you just say things, Mike. It doesn't matter. It works, Jordan. Shake hands on things. That was, I like it. You know, when I became vegetarian, I became vegetarian when I was 19 in college, a way later than your children, I assume. They're way ahead of the curb.

And the first night out, I was like, I told my buddy, You know my, you know my college buddies. Oh, yeah. My college buddies who are like... Let's see, there's Cooter. Yep. Dilbot. Kooter and Dilbot.

Dig-Dug. Kooter, Dilbot, and dig-dug. Spurgles. Yeah, you know them all. And they, you know, there's ball busting going on in this, you know. When you get the guys together. I become a... Yeah, when you get the guys together.

Exactly. I become a vegetarian and they're like... Jordan Calling, you wouldn't know this, but when you get the guys together... When you get the guys... When you get the guys... together. Daniel Speer, you'd know when you get the guys together. Hide your balls.

Hide your balls because they're going to get busted. It's happening right now. The ball is coming from inside the bus. I did your thing. I said it. It didn't make sense. Say a thing. No, you didn't say anything.

That's the podcast. It doesn't matter. It's called making a podcast. So the joke that they would tell, one of them at least, repeatedly, is I'd go to the fridge get some broccoli, some vegan broccoli. It's classic just broccoli. And I'd start to eat it and they'd be like, oh, there's meat in that broccoli. Don't eat that meat. That's fun. So you know the guys.

And so the first night, we went out when I was vegetarian and I... And they just took your nuts in their hand and just... And I was like, ooh, I want to eat those. Yeah. That's what I can eat now. Lovely crushed legumes. My own recipe. I think it would be... It's technically vegan to eat your own nuts. Yeah, I think that's correct. If with consent, yeah. Sure. Yeah, I wouldn't want to be force-fed them against my will. That would make it not vegan.

As long as I said it's okay for me to eat my own balls, it's vegan. That is absolutely. That's what veganism is. The spirit of it, yes. Eating your own balls. Yeah, the letter of the law, who knows. Because you want to. Yes, exactly.

By choice. So we went out to. If you want to eat these nuts, you have. Yes, yes, yes. I've took some improv class. I was going to say if you want to eat these nuts, you have to say please nuts. Sorry. Oh, that's very good.

Yeah, it's good that we went back. I'm glad. I'm happy that you did it both times. It's a good show. Yeah, it's a good show. We went to Chili's, and there was on the menu. I was like, my first day as a vegetarian, what do we got on the menu? And they had a Southwest vegetable soup, and I was like, that sounds like a great first

vegetarian meal. Yeah. And then the- So this is your first meal as a vegan? As you've made the pledge. Just a vegetarian. Just a vegetarian first, 19-year-old vegetarian. And I said, yes. super into butter.

Absolutely. Eat a stick of it at a time. I like to slow cook that butter. I only put the stick of butter in the slow cooker, and it just turns into butter. Melt's in the thing. And the weight person said, actually there is beef in the broth of the soup that you're talking about.

And I almost was like, that's close enough. You know what I mean? I'm like, like, baby steps. And my one friend was like, Mike, you're a vegetarian now. And your first move as a vegetarian is to eat meat. And I was like, you're right. That's not my move.

And I got a Beanburger. But I understand your child. Like, we have... I got an A-N-B-N-Burger. I got a B-N-B-N-Burger, yeah. I don't know that I get it. Like in school. Oh, I got a B-in-Berger.

And you say an A-N. Okay, yeah, I get it. Everybody... Everything's as good as everything else. Come on, everyone. Yeah. Come on. We're all back on board.

We like it. We got a bay bean on board. Is that something? It's not. But the point is... That's probably the least. thing that's happened this whole show. The least thing that's happened.

I love that sentence, that phrase, that clause. But I understand that as a human, human beings are, you know, storytellers, we're pattern finders, we're categorizers, you know, and we have things, you know, we make maps of things in our mind, you know, that aren't the territory. And so for your child, you're like, I'm vegan and beans are vegan, and those are beans. So I'll eat those beans because beans are vegan and I'm, and those are. beans and I'm a vegan and you're like wait a second but what about what's actually in those beans like that's not part of the map that's not part of the story so and that's humans are doing things like

that all the time like I do like to know if I if I'm doing something that is actually against my beliefs I would want to know your child who knows I want our listeners maybe take a look at the rice too yeah that's a good point taken is usually made with Carlo de Pollo I just want to be clear I don't know that either of these are not vegan. Oh, absolutely. That's why it's okay. It's Schrodinger's vegan. Also, my child doesn't eat anything else, and I don't want him to die.

Yeah, I get that. I don't want your child to die either. Thank you, Mike. Jordan. I also, I'm sorry, Jesse. I also don't want the guy to die. Do you know what I wish there was? I wish there was a second word for the second also.

Like, that means also also. you're like, you know, I also, and I also also, like, there's both. Right. And then sometimes I'll say throath, if there's three. Sort of like how there's extry, but then there's also extry-extry-extry. Read all about it, yes. And that's when you decide you're going to read all about it. I wish, yeah, I don't want extry.

I mean, sure. Hey, x-ry-extry, read all about it. Podcast takes quick break so Jesse could go to the bathroom. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse go. Love you, Love you, Love you, Love you, Love you, Love you, Love you, Love you, Love You know, every episode of Jordan Jesse Go, supported by the members of Maximum Fun. Thank you for making this program possible members. We hope you like you. little special shows that we make for you every month. They're just for you. We make them by hand and we put them into the member feed, just for you.

We watch a lot of bad movies and TV shows lately. That's what we do. Yeah. And I think Grace is still planning to make us play the Babe Pig in the City PlayStation 2 game. Okay. Great. I'm looking forward to that, question mark. Listen, the bonus feed, it's special.

It's for the people who keep the show coming. It's for the true sickos. It's where a lot of the shows do weird, fun, kooky stuff that is sometimes painful, but always a hoot. So yeah, maximum fun.org slash join. Get those apps. We're also supported this week by the folks over there at Factor. It's 2026, friends.

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vegetarian options, healthy fats. Like, they are well-considered meals, and they're also very tasty. There's something that I like to eat. I've shared this many times, but, like, often I am in a rush at lunchtime, and I don't want to eat just like some stupid frozen food, but I don't have a leftover from dinner, and I don't want to cook something, and I don't want to, like, eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And when there is a factor meal in my fridge, I am like, oh, look at that, real food that I can just eat right now. Yeah, totally. They're tasty. They're quick,

and they will help you achieve your goals in 2026. Head to factormeals.com slash JJGo50 off and use code JJGo 50 off to get 50% off your first factor box plus free breakfast for one year. Offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto-renewing subscription purchase. Make healthier eating easy with Factor. Let's get back to the show. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris. Boy Detective. And I'm Mike Kaplan, the guy with the best nickname. Fuck.

Fuck. What? We're done. It's over. Shut it down. Gee whiz. It's Mike's show now. Gee whiz.

Look, I'm just the guy with the best nickname. I don't have to run the show. Nope, you do. That's how it works. Oh, I didn't know. It's a Highlander situation. Yeah, it's Islander. Yeah.

So yeah, you're going to do this show every week, about 90 minutes. Just say whatever. Do I still, do I call it Mike, Mike Go? No, it's still called Jordan Jesse Go. That's fair. And, yeah, try and have Chris Fairbanks on twice a year. I love Chris Fairbanks. He's great.

Always, always, uh, yeah. That's him. That's the guy. It's kind of me too, you know. He and I, when we first met, we met in Aspen at a comedy festival that rooftop comedy was putting on. That was a thing that used to be. Good place to meet Chris Fairbanks.

Oh, yeah, on a rooftop. And I saw him and we, he saw me and we're like, it's like, like, you know, those things, like when the, when the, in the Seinfeld, when they did the show within the show, and And then the people all saw each other and you're like, wait a second, if I'm over here, the news over there. Like when Spider-Man points at himself. Exactly. That's me and Chris Fairbanks.

Is that why you guys stay on separate coasts? Yeah. I mean, it's like matter and anti-matter in a way. Yeah. This is, I can't have a black hole. Hope he's too far from this. Yeah. I watched an episode of Seinfeld, a movie.

Is that you remember this one? That's where they go see Chunnell? No, this is where they go see Rochelle, Rochelle. Rochelle. Of course. those Seinfeld movie titles. They were going to go see Checkmate, but instead they went to see Rochelle,

Rochelle. And as I was watching this episode of Seinfeld, there was a set of inside the improv. Okay. There was a set of inside one movie theater. There was a set of inside a different movie theater, and then there were some taxi cab scenes. there was also an outside the movie theater scene.

This is a lot of sets. I found myself thinking, at no point did they do anything on a set they already have? Like, how excited do you have to be about your network, your live audience network television script that you've written? Where you're like, how many sets, how many new sets does it need? All. They're like, do they have to eat? They could go to the diner for a second? And this was probably in the era of Seinfeld when it was the biggest show on TV, and they had insane budgets.

So I have that feeling when I watch anything animated. So the animated stuff I work on is usually like cheap kids TV, like kids TV that is to be made cheaply and quickly. Just say anything. Yeah. Often very well cheaply. Of course, yeah. I love the animated shows I've worked on. I love the one I'm working on now.

wallity yes absolutely but part of the part of the trolls show as much maybe not the troll show as much um but a lot of a lot of fun worlds to play in uh but just such part of that pipeline is just like we need stuff made cheaply and quickly and i you know something i learned about animation is that like the expensive things are new characters and backgrounds so if you want to have a new fucking background this better be an insane idea that everyone wants to do Like, everyone has to sign off and be super excited about this idea. Otherwise, can we just have something happen to them in the living room? Is there a binder at the office of the backgrounds that you have on offer? Like the flash art at a tattoo place? Oh, maybe. I mean, I think when I started working on a show, like, you kind of know what the, because you watch the show and you're like, these are the backgrounds. What if somebody has an idea for like, it's like the living room, but different colors?

I think that could probably be done like Bizarro Living Room Yeah But anytime I'm watching an animated show And they have a background That is clearly just there for one scene I'm like Ugh, oh wow

Wow Look at that background It doesn't come back Must be nice Must it be nice To be Rick and Morty A guy's just gotta draw it Right

Then that takes time Yeah it takes a lot of time It takes a guy Time and a guy Time and a guy time in a guy or a lady or a non-binary person in this economy so a non-binary person says that is who's drawing that background uh 90% of the time oh that's great um yeah so anyway uh so i uh i know what you mean jessi congratulations thank you thank you oh my god thank you amazing i think just like uh one of those people spike ferristin or whatever was just said a young woman's strange erotic journey from milan to Menzkin, everybody was like as many sets as you need, Spike. Carol Leifer, here's all the sets.

Right. Buy more classic cars, probably. Yeah. He's got a lot of cars. This Spike Ferrisen, a classic car guy? Spike Ferrisen, also a classic car guy and a short-lived late-night talk show guy. Yes. Yeah.

What happened to old Spike? He's hosting a classic car TV show that's quite successful. I'll tell you this about Spike Ferristin. Please. When he had a late-night talk show on Fox, I booked him on my radio show. This was when I was still doing it in my apartment in Korea Town by myself. He came over, and I expected that he would be confused and disappointed. If he was, he hit it exceptionally well, was very gracious and funny.

You thought that he would be confused about the fact that you were a guy in a small apartment, not like an operation in a big studio. Not a real show. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I feel like, have you read Judd Apatow's Sick in the Head? Yeah, I have taken a look at that. Collection of interviews, some of which he did as an adult, but many of which he did.

As a literal child. Yeah, as like a 14, 15 year old who would call up PR people. He would just find, you know, Gary Shandling. managers' phone number, call up and say, I'm from this radio station, the school radio station, and I'd love to do an interview with this grown-up, I mean, person, you know, and then he would show up, and they would be gracious and let him interview them. Can I just say there is no more vivid illustration in not just show business or American show business or world entertainment, but indeed humanity, in the grand mass of humanity of what a

failure I am than Judd Apatow. Like, Judd Apatow is like, yeah, I did that same shit you did, but five years younger, and also I directed and produced most of the best comedies of the last 30 years. Well, I think there are many people who are looking at you where you are right now and feeling about you the way that you feel about Judd Apatown. Yeah, Jesse, you make a ton of people feel like shit. There's so many people out there who look at you and they feel like shit. Why don't I have what this guy has?

He lives right near a sex shop that's open at 10 in the morning, not lives near, works near. You can buy a cage. You can't get in a car to buy a cage. I can't stroll down the block. I got to rent a cargo van. I don't mean to get all sincere. I mean, I do, but I got to say, I don't. So make it, keep it insincere like you like it.

Thank you, Jordan, love insincerity. Oh, I love a little distance. You sincerely love it. You want to get too modeling. You should marry it. Yeah. But sincerely, sometimes I used to listen to, like, let's say Pete Holmes's podcast. I love Pete Holmes.

I'd listen to the opening and he would tell where he's going to be performing. And sometimes it was cities I'd never been to. clubs I'd never been at and I'd be like sometimes it was ones that I had been at but not recently I'm like man I want to go back there I want and I would be jealous and I'm happy that Pete is successful I'm happy that he is doing his thing but sometimes I'd be but then I I would have I would hopefully sometimes have the thought be like some people make they could look at my schedule and be like I want to go where that guy's going yeah then Jud Appetow gave Pete Holmes his own fucking TV show you're like wow come I never did that for me and then several more You and me, we're kind of the same here. Hey, if you're listening out there and we make you feel like shit, let us know. J.J. Go at Maximumfund.org. L.A. and New York, Jesse and Mike. Speaking of which, we do have a momentous occasion telephone call to play.

You can give us a call at 206-9844 Fun or just hit the record on the voice memo on your phone and send it to J.J. Go at maximum fund. Jordan, it's just that easy. It's just that easy. otherwise we have to think of shit to talk about don't want to for fun but that's not enough numbers 206-984

oh I thought it was just for fun 4-4-5 no it's F-O-U-R-F-U-N that's the exact right number of numbers that's absolutely right my mistake wait hold on if we've been giving out the wrong number where all these calls coming from inside the house

Kevin Brian Fernandez was just recording them on his own all these years. Phil Hendry style. Hendry, Hendry, read all about it. Okay, shut up everybody. Let's play the call.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse at all. This is Jacob from New Jersey. He, they. I have kind of a two-parter momentous occasion. The first part is that I am

sitting in a CVS parking lot having just taken my migraine medication. after a couple days of not having it. Love when our doctors lapse in our prescription refills, but it is momentous to be taking it again. The second half of my momentous occasion is that on the way over here, I wanted to put on something to listen to, and so I thought, I'll listen to my brother, my brother and me. And it's nighttime, and I am experiencing a headache, and I was driving and squinting and feeling my head hurt and my eyes hurt. And I had the thought, these are not the

voices that I need to deal with a headache. There's only one voice that can possibly alleviate my headache. And it is fellow migraine haver, Jesse Thorne, and a friend who maybe does or does not get Headaches, Jordan Morris. That was nice. That was nice. I liked the deliberate pace of that call. Oh, yeah. He really took the time.

And that's what we're trying to do on the show is take your time that you will never get back. There was a moment in it that reminded. me of cakes song The Distance I forget the exact

wording but he said something like driving and something and feeling my head

beautiful it is truly like I'm sure I've mentioned this instance on

the program before but like I'm a married man congratulations very thank you

all dude you're married I feel like shit ha ha Hey, right in. See? Yeah.

I'm going to ride into my own show. I have a son. Yeah, I don't have a son. Congratulations. I got to get a... Mike is a... He's set me up for... This is...

Jesse's my Byron Allen. Jordan, yeah. I understand that you don't have a son. I gotta get a son. I'm working on it. First time in the news studio. First time in the new studio.

It really sings in here. Oh, it really sings in here. This is my red rocks. Priro techniques from the floor And we are surrounded by red bricks Bricks are like rocks Bricks are the rocks of the building Yes

The rocks of the building What are bricks But rocks that you can live in I worry Mike That had you not become a stand-up comedian You would not have been able to do Any other thing in life The brain that just needs to say

Well there's bricks in here And bricks are red rocks It's a brain that is not welcome in other workplaces. Anyway, what I was going to say is, as a migraine sufferer myself, I once got a migraine. Migraine sufferer or migraine survivor? Migraineure. As a migraine year, I got a migraine once on a flight from Bangkok to Tokyo. And my medication was in my checked luggage.

And it was horrible. I was in, and it was a, it was a Thai airplane. I mean, I'm sure the airplane was made by, you know, Boeing or whatever, but... Like a Thai fighter from Star Wars? No. Whoa, cool! Yeah. It was a Thai airline that I was flying on with tie sized seats.

The tie are a relatively small people. I am a relatively large people. And so I ended up like in the back of the airplane, draped over a bulk of. head like by the rear bathrooms just crying and like occasionally going into the bathroom because I was pretty sure I was going to vomit. Sounds painful. I got off that airplane in Tokyo when I got my luggin and took my pills and then they started working as I sat in a rented bathroom shower. You can rent a shower there, which is also great. I have genuinely never been happier in my life. birth of my children, wedding to my wife, first time receiving fallatio.

None of these times are better than when I was in a shower and my medicine started working. Second time, fallacious? The second one was better than the first one. Makes sense. The first one had a lot of munching, I would say. He don't want that much. It's the wrong verb. Do you still talk to that goat, Jesse?

Are you and the goat still in touch? I think that's a beautiful story that reminds me of... The throat coat? Yeah, not that one. Nancy Reagan? No, no. Yeah, you coated the goat's throat. I do like throat coat T.

Is that what we're talking about? It is. And we're not really talking about... We're saying stuff. We're talking about throat coat D. You are, like, the thing that you just shared is, like, in a Buddhist paradigm, you know, the first noble truth in Buddhism is that there is suffering, the second truth, the the cause of suffering, the causes, and the third is that there is a possibility of a cessation,

the end of suffering, and the fourth, the path to the end of it. And that's, you know, that is what the goal, you know, if there is a goal in Buddhism, the increase of happiness and the decrease of suffering for all sentient beings. And this, I mean, of course, the absence of suffering, that's, that's it. That's it. You did it. And you know what? I realize now that the whole time, it was just because I wanted to have a migraine headache. And once I let go of my desires, right, which the medicine, that's what the medicine did. It opened your eyes. I also, when I was on that same trip to the Tokyo airport, I also saw a hello kitty vibrator for sale in the airport store. I thought that was adorable. Oh. I bought it for my wife. A hello kitty vibrator. Yeah,

that's an incongruous. It is. You got it. That's the perfect word. Delightfully incongruous. Yeah. Jesse, do you want to set up the segment call for the first time in the new studio? I mentioned... See how that plays? I mentioned earlier to Mike that we are creatives. We're not. That means that we work really hard on our show, come up with our own ideas for segments. We don't.

If this seems like someone just calling into the show, telling us something they wanted to tell us, and then... But at the beginning, preface it by saying, this is for your segment, blah, blah, blah. That's not what it is. It's because we thought of a segment that prompted people to call in, and that's why we're why all the calls are always really good. You did it. You're responsible. You're in charge. Whoever this is, they're serving you.

We're artists. They serve at the pleasure. And they're, to borrow a phrase, rent boys. Wow. What's the one that you got confused for that? Rent boy. I forgot what it was at the beginning of the show. Oklahoma Boy.

Yeah, that's right. The two types of boys. Hair boys. One prefers a classic. One prefers a contemporary setting. Go ahead and press play, JK. Hey, what's up?

This is Joe from Minneapolis. Calling in for your segment. Weird shit my dogs do. I'm out walking my two very reactive dogs. Robert. Hey. Thank you. And one of them just started

wagging his tail and losing his shit excited about something the other dog had no idea what he was doing I did not see anything but he was it was like a dear friend was walking up to him so I think my dog just saw a ghost love the show

night this person by the way called from a Thai airline I could hear how small the sea was. That's right. But it's nice that they will let you bring two dogs on. Was that segment called the What's Up segment? I think it's called Weird Shit My Dogs Did.

Okay. And the weird shit was bark and run around? I'm confused. What was noteworthy about that? Well, this wasn't a momentous occasion. No, that's right. It was a segment. Okay.

Yeah, this is, but I think the dog greeted someone, but there was no one there. Gotcha. So the dog saw a ghost. Perhaps the dog was having a vision. Dogs are not... You know how Lassie is always saving that... Timmy. Timmy.

The well. From the well. Do you think that ever happened on Lassie? That's Madlibs. Every episode. Lassie, Timmy, well. Right. Sometimes he fucks Timmy in the well.

Sometimes he kills Timmy in the well. Right. Sometimes he marries... Depending on how twist the Mad Lives player is. Fuck, Mary Kill. Timmy and the well. It all makes sense, and it's a good show.

And sometimes, yeah, and sometimes they have a house, and sometimes they have an apartment. And sometimes it's a jogs doing things that dogs ordinarily do. But you put a name in front of it, all of a sudden it's just great radio. It's just great content for us, for the listener. Can I tell you a story from a phone call I have with my mom today? A story, huh? No, we're focusing on nonsense words. It'll be that.

It'll be that. I'll allow it. It'll be that. Thank you. I'll make it brief. My mom was, we were talking recently about the concept of on your deathbed frequently, the three things you hear on a deathbed are, I love you. I'm sorry. Thank you.

Thank you. I'm sorry. I love you. Classic parting. That's the parting trilogy. And so we were talking about that. That's what my wife and I say to each other after we flock. Yeah, I mean, that's, it works then too.

Sure. The death, the death of your bed situation. Yes, the little death, they call it. They do it, yes. Who does? The French. They do that, yes. The French called Le Petit.

Mour. Yes. Mourch. And so. I'll tell you what. If it's Tom Jones, it's Le Grand Moor. Oh, does he have a big dick? I don't know.

We don't know. No, we learned that he did. Kevin didn't really look it up, I don't think. But he said that. He said he did. He's a big Tom Jones. guy. My mom and her boyfriend...

Tom Jones is a big Tom Jones guy. He's the original big Tom Jones guy. That's good. So my mom and her boyfriend, my mom told me they were talking about those three things. Thank you. I'm sorry, I love you. But they couldn't remember one of them. They couldn't remember which they felt toward each other.

And so I believe that they had a brief disagreement and he came in the room after being out of the room. said to her, that's how he came in, and said to her, I love you, I'm sorry, I'm an idiot. Perfect. Some great thing to say before you die. We figured it out. I'm an idiot.

You know what I think? I'm going to say on my death, Ben? I would love to know. Ah, dog ghost! Clear beans! Something from the first segment. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. If you like too many podcasts, you'll love sound heap with John Lick Roberts. It's got clips from all your favourite podcasts such as Diary of a Tiny CEO.

Leonard Sprague, tell me how you make your money. I go to the beach and I steal people's towels. Remember armour? Do remember the trend of everyone whacking themselves on their head with hammers and mallets when they wanted to lose weight? And Elty John's Lobbly songs. I'm here today with Kiki D. Hello Kiki D. Hello, Elton. There's dozens of episodes to catch up on and brand new episodes going out right now.

So if you want far, far, far too many podcasts, then look for Soundheap on maximum fun. Boop, boop. All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show. Let's learn everything. So let's do a quick progress tech. Have we learnt about quantum physics? Yes, episode 59. We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have. Same episode, actually. Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters? Episode 64. So, how close are we to learning everything? Bad news. We still haven't learned everything yet. Oh, we're ruined! No, no, no, it's good news as well. There is still a lot to learn.

Woo! I'm Dr. Ella Hubber. I'm regular Tom Lum. I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science, and a bit of everything else, too. And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode. Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

La, La, La, La, La, La. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris Boy, Detective. And I'm Mike Kaplan, the guy who definitely remembered to think of a new thing to say. You don't have to think of it. You don't need to think of a new thing in, what, eight, ten years? I mean, also you could say never, eight or ten years or never.

Yeah, eight, ten, or never, those are the three. Yeah, we just recorded an episode of Bullseye with Jesse Thorne, the NPR program hosted by me, Jesse Thorne. It featured Jordan and our college co-host, Gene. Yes. And I just, that'll be out when listeners hear this. and as I was listening back to old things that we had done 25 years ago. Yes, we were reminiscing about our old college radio show. Literally 25 years ago, I said to myself, oh, so it was just jokes about the difference between toothed and Baleen whales back then, huh?

Yeah, we still loved the pole of Baleen for some reason. We think that's funny and keep bringing it up. I mean, I'm laughing right now. I know. I love that song. Bailene, Baleen, yeah, Daly Porton wrote that, and I will always love you in the same day. I was trying to think about what the whale pun is for I will always love you. I will always love you. Dolly Barton wrote Baleen and I will always love you in the same day. Congratulations on 25 years. I saw Josh Gondelman posting that he's going to be on a show celebrating it, as well as Tony Shalub.

That's very exciting. Tony Shalub. Tony Shalub, Tony Shalub, very hot act these days. The guy's got a very tight 10. Oh, I'm excited to see. Yeah, I'm looking forward to talking to Shalub. He is very nice, very handsome, and does move around his hands nervously while he talks. Oh, so that's how he got the monk gig.

Yeah. I mean, he's such a, he's been in so many good things. Yeah, that's a great point. Yeah, wings. Wings. The marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Mazele. Your Aunt Sharon.

Your Aunt Sharon. Wait a second. Hold on. Brain dead. Do you guys watch Brain Dead? What's Brain Dead? Brain Dead created in 2016 in the run-up to the presidential election. It took place in Washington, D.C. Our nation's capital? Our nation's capital. Created by the people who made the good wife, the good fight, evil and such. So it's similar vibe to those shows. They're friends with John Hodgman. I understand it would be very nice.

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. They seem like they would be because they make. good art. And I always assume, if you make good art, you must be nice. Sure. I think history has proven that time and time again. Any art that's ever been enjoyed by anybody? Nice person. Made by a nice person. The greatest artist of them all, of course, Gary Glitter. Yes. Sure. Ah, nice man. But yeah, it's about, uh, sorry, Jared from Subway. Sandwich artist. Yes, uh-huh. We didn't make the sandwiches. He made the commercials. He was in the commercials. Oh, yeah. He's a sandwich commercial artist. He only appeared in commercials that he also wrote and directed.

Right, yeah. Like Jack from Jack in the Box. Didn't he also direct those? Anyway, that seems right. Whatever. Anyway, check out Brain Dead. Check out Brain Dead. Tony Shalub's great.

Okay. I bet he is. We love Tony Shalub and everything. Mike, speaking of being great, you're a great stand-up comedian. What do people got to pay on YouTube to watch this new special of yours? I'm really excited to tell you. That's a great question. I mean, can I just guess just based on value?

Absolutely. Jordan, you can guess after me. Yeah. You want to go first, or should I go first? You can go first. A thousand bucks. So you can either do $1 or $1,000 or $1,000. Those are kind of your two best bets to beat Jordan.

Okay, I was going to say a fine woolen blanket, 34 sheep, and six pieces of silver. Classic dowry. I now, I don't know the exchange, so I don't know who's closer. Right. But I'll just tell you the answer. And we can look it up later. Yeah, yeah, we'll figure it out.

And it's zero. Whoa! Zero dollars, zero sheep. Yeah. Zero animals. Let the animal, let my animals go. Yes. You say no.

Yeah, sure. Whatever. You really got them on you. I'm lucky to be friends with Jordan. I'm lucky to just be witnessing, basking. Aren't we all lucky? We all here. Listener, they're lucky.

Yeah, everyone, everyone's lucky. You're lucky you got invited to tolerate our bullshit. I love, I love a, I love a good bullshit toleration. What should people type into their YouTube if they want to watch this special for free? Sure, thank you so much. So the name of the special. Is there like a special code they could type in? I mean, I think I don't, they can do that.

Yeah. But yeah, if you just remember the name of the special is Rini, or just remember my name, Mike Kaplan, spelled the weird way I spell it, NYU. you it's right there on your phone screen absolutely i mean could we maybe throw it in the show notes for this episode is that a great way to find it i don't think we should i don't think we should do that i don't think we should do that jkk's not in like you can in fact do this uh yeah it is do you know this is a new thing that i just learned uh only started existing on youtube recently but you know you can do collaborations on instagram yeah who you collabing with uh blonde medicine is the production company okay they produced it so they're putting it on theirs and collaborating with me

So it'll be on both of our YouTube's. Mine is a collabo with Farrell. Oh, that's, what a great idea. Jesse Thornex, Farrell. I do, when I post things on Instagram, I often do tag and put collab, invite people to collab with, I don't know, Google, YouTube, you know.

Just the case they accidentally had accepted. Yeah, Shaquille O'Neal, Brad Pitt, whoever, you know, which if it's about them, you know, I'll put her there. Yeah, why not? Give it a shot. Give it. I also have a project that I haven't done. a lot of these, but you've mentioned, like, we, we know some, you know, some famous people

and you sometimes have emails that go along with those famous people. Sometimes you don't know a famous person's email, but you want to try to, I wonder, I know all famous people's email. Of course, you do, but I don't. It's their name at gmail.com. Truly, I wonder, this is my project. You've fallen right into my trap. The, the project I have is to want, I wonder who the most famous person is who does have their name and will respond to their name at Gmail. Have you tried anyone yet? Tried Brad Pitt. Okay.

Yeah. Didn't work. Nothing? Okay. Yeah. Tried. What are you saying in these emails? Hey, just, I don't remember.

I can pull it up and let you know. But just reaching out. Just a quick thing. I don't want to get too. Hey, Brad. You know what's a famous people thing that I like to do? This California Secretary of State are mostly in charge of, I guess, voting and verifying signatures or something.

I had to go there to get some documents apostealed the other day. But the California Secretary of State website has one of the things that they're responsible for is holding money in escrow for uncollected debts. So like, you know, if you had a gym membership that you ended three months early, but you didn't pick up the difference because you paid for a year. or whatever, then they are legally required to try and find you to give it to you. And if they fail, they have to give it to the Secretary of State and leave it there. And the Secretary of State just holds all the money and then sends you a check if you find out. Now, on this website, you can type in somebody's name and find out if they are owed money by anyone that is being held by the Secretary of State. I found that for some reason, Amazon owed me

$2,000. I don't remember why. Wow. I truly don't know why. Because it doesn't say why. Did you create Bosch? I did create Bosch. Well, that's probably it. Did they pay you for it? Yeah. They paid me, well, we had a deal that they would pay me $2,100. And now that I think about it, they gave me only $100. I think that must be it. It's probably it. That seems like it could be it. That's my guess. Anyway, a fun thing to do is type celebrities' names in there and see how much uncollected money they have in addition to all the real-life collected money they have. Wow.

Do you have any memories of specific ones? I type George Clooney in there. Like, 70 people owe George Clooney money. That's incredible. That's fun. I type Jordan Morris in there. The only problem with Jordan's was... He owes a lot of money to George Clooney?

Yeah. Because of like the... a few like show business union jobs that Jordan has had, uh, at the margins of show business. He's had many near this, nearer the center of the show business, but because of like a few weird bald ones, uh, it's just like 17 people that owe him four cents. Ah, yes. Yeah. I love, I've definitely had collected a number of, uh, royalty checks from TV shows. I was on some years ago that I, if it's a two cent check, I haven't. cashed it. So maybe they owe me that money.

Wow. That's dark. I mean, is it, is it dark? That's a little twisted. To be owed two cents? That's a better word. Oh. This guy's a little freaking twisted. It's like... Yeah, it's more twisted than dark. That's true.

It's more twisted than dark. He's like a fucking clown. That's true. So like a funny clown that everyone likes? No, he's like a fucking twisted clown. Ah! Or like a ghost being. funny.

Jordan Cowling is the producer of our program. Our theme music is Love You by the Free Design, courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records. Jordan, during the job interview process for Jordan Cowling, we never discussed the fact that our last producer's name was Morris and our new producer's name is Jordan. Isn't that fun? Isn't that a fun little coincidence? No, it's bullshit.

We should be going one for one. Our new producer should, I mean, no offense, Jordan Cowling. You're doing a great job. We'll get Jesse Plymins in here for next week. Does he want to get into podcast producing? That's what I've heard. I have heard. And somebody named Thorne would be also pretty good.

Oh, yeah, who's the most famous Thorne? There was like a comic book I read. I don't know if it's a fictional character, okay? Yeah, we'll get Bella Thorne. Bella Thorne. She's great. She's good and everything. The Mighty Thorne.

Yeah, the Mighty Thorne. Yes. The Thornder God. Yes. I got to go. Bye. Like, what did I say already? Oh, go talk to us on social media.

We're on Blue Sky. Yes. Jordan Jesse Go. Oh, yeah. I've been posing on Blue Sky lately. Amazing. It's all right. You know, it'll curdle soon enough, but right now it's all right.

I'm Jesse Thorne on there. You can find us on Facebook at Facebook.com slash Jordan Jesse Go. Of course, you can find us on Reddit. That's Reddit.com slash R slash Maximum Fun. The name of the company that makes the program. Yeah, of course. Jordan's an employer. of maximum fun Jordan Cowling is.

You're not. No. This guy's... I'm a... freelance. I'm a local businessman. I'm a tumbleweed, baby. Can't nail me to a desk.

Like you do to tumbleweeds? No, you can't. You don't. That's why I'm a tumbleweed. Right. A lot of people try to nail tumbleweeds to death. This guy's got to be Lucy Goosey. He's never going to shag Sharon.

Oh, Sharon. Oh, Sharon's marriage. He's a one-man woman. I don't care. As far as you know That's true, I don't know If you were a nasty freak Would you tell your nephew?

Yeah, I probably wouldn't I mean First person I'd tell Yeah, no, I wouldn't I don't have any nephews But I wouldn't tell them Yeah, okay No siblings

Anyway We're also on Instagram Jordan David Morris Jesse Thorne very famous Jordan Jesse Go pod That's all We'll talk to you next time On Jordan Jesse go

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