Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Self-Imposed Beta Male with Matt Braunger

Episode Date: January 19, 2023

Matt Braunger joins Jordan and Jesse this week to talk dad skills, actor spirituality and the A24 cinematic universe.Check out Matt's new special "Doug" on YouTube today!And don't forget to pre-order the  "Pop's Chocklit Shoppe of Horrors" that Jordan wrote on using code JAN231229 at your local comic shop!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Well, Jordan, I got some good news today. I love good news. I know, right? Well, this is my resolution for 2023 is no more bad news on television and in the newspaper, okay?

Yeah. I'm checking out good news only, okay? Send me stories about squirrels that made friends with cats. Sure, yeah. You want to hear local interest stuff. You want to hear about a ballerina from a non-traditional background oh god i would love that like a mermaid or something yeah a mermaid who split her fin down the middle so she could dance ballet i mean she can dance on point naturally jesse are we writing an a24 movie i'm pretty sure is that what we're doing? I think we just got rich, Jordan. We just got $4 million budget for a movie that's going to make $55 million. Yeah.

Okay. Ari Aster who? I've been, I signed up for physical therapy. Yeah, let's hear this good news. Let's hear this good news. I signed up for physical therapy. You know, you get a little older, you get those creaks and aches and pains. I thought I'm going to do something about this. There's a physical therapy place right near my house. So they take my insurance. So I went over there, signed up for

physical therapy. And the first thing that they do when I say that I'm referring to Dr. Daniel, the first thing Dr. Daniel does is like a full evaluation. Yeah. So that's like range of motion. Just real quick. Are you thinking that maybe you would call him either Dr. D or double D? Yeah. So I don't know. How big are his tits, I guess is what I'm asking. My instinct is always going to be to call someone with two Ds in their name, double D.

Right. And when it comes to my neurologist, Dr. Dorothy Dada, I constantly want to call her triple D. Yeah. But I can understand how maybe you wouldn't. I wouldn't. No, because she's all class. Dr. Dada is all class. But this Dr. Daniel, this guy seems like, you know, this guy seems like he's maybe taking it a little sleazy.

Am I right? How loose is his goose? I couldn't tell you. Right. Okay. He's very fit. I mean, that's the thing about a physical therapist. They're so fit that I don't want to say anything fun to them.

Because they might choke you out. I think the only fun thing that a physical therapist, you could say to a physical therapist is like, I love hiking. You know, like you could say that to any physical therapist and they would agree that you are a really fun guy. And you get yourself a nice high five. Yeah, exactly. My cousin, my cousin, Kristen's a physical therapist, very serious woman, wonderful lady, cousin Kristen. So I went out to the physical therapy place and I got this evaluation. You know, they stretch your legs, they stretch your Kristen. So I went out to the physical therapy place and I got this evaluation. You know, they stretch your legs, they stretch your arms.

They like have you do different, all kinds of different motions. Is this for something specific or is this like preventative? No, this is, this is specific. Not to ask you to, you know, talk about health issues on the podcast that maybe you wouldn't want to, but this is for a specific thing. There's a thing you're targeting. Yeah, yeah it's for anger management court ordered anger management you guys just watch a dvd of anger management yes dr daniel's a huge adam sandler fan he's got them all he's got big daddy little nicky underrated little nicky. So I did all of this. I mean, it is like literally an hour between they put you on these machines, they're measuring you with a protractor, all this stuff.

And I'm worried about what he's going to say, you know, because I feel like I am. It's like Flight of the Navigator and I'm that little boy that they bring to the military base and run all the tests on him, right? Right. But soon you'll get to meet 80s Sarah Jessica Parker. I know. Hubba hubba. Indeed.

Which will tell you about poison, I think. Anyway. I think that's right. So Dr. Daniel does all these tests on me. And at the end of it, I say like, well, Dr. Daniel, what's the verdict? And this is the good news. He says, plus he's still good. Congratulations.

So thank you so much. Congratulations. I'm so excited. I mean, that comes straight from Dr. Daniel's mouth to my ears, to my mouth, to your ears via teleconferencing. They hooked you up to the Kegel machine. Had you squeeze out some reps. Here, sit on this, they said. Sure. Is there a way I can watch this exam on OnlyFans? I'm going to start charging for people to watch these exams these sound great it is a really hot exam i mean when it comes to exam heat it's hard to beat yeah our guest on the program this week oh an old pal of ours brilliant stand-up comic with a brand new special called Doug, Mr. Matt Bronger. Hi, Matt,

how are you? How are you, dude? And other dude, dude, gentlemen, friends of mine. I like that your Zoom context here is all gratitude themed. Yeah, I didn't mean that to happen. It's just something we have by the door as we leave. We got this thing that says uh enjoy today another one says be grateful and has all all three of our names my wife did that one other one we bought the rest of my apartment that we're uh in right now has just like family pictures there's no live laugh love okay uh and around no no pillow with a saying. As you exit, as you enter the cold, cold world.

Have you thought about going down to the Ross Home Goods and getting a few? I remember my favorite location I've ever seen for one of those pillows. And it wasn't Live, Laugh, Love. Maybe it was Live, Laugh, Love. Which I are arguably the

worst one of the you know be in the moment you know what what you could kind of call actor spirituality kind of stuff that's taken taking the culture by storm that's a good way to describe it yeah what i mean by that is it's all about the me you know i just need some it's i need some time i just need some time to right but we're all moving your stuff into your new house. Right. Yeah. I just think I should be... It's going to take a second.

If you could just take those couches up eight flights of stairs. I'm just going to stay in a truck. I just think it's best. Because I need my Sundays. I need my Sundays. It's been... A guy honked at me. Yeah.

And I wept. Yeah. So I was in a... Self-care. Cancel plans. Yeah. Cancel plans for self-care. It feels good to cancel on everyone.

Just cancel. Because nothing matters more than you. Yes. And the crystals that fuel you. Yeah, I would- By the way, if you're interested in that, check out my OnlyFans. Right. Oh, that's a great idea.

Just to be surrounded, doing the filthiest stuff to yourself and be surrounded by immaculate pillows around you. Have you ever fucked in a giant geode, Matt? Right. You're like one of those egg chairs. You're defiling them one after the other. And before you come, just yell, don't talk to me until I've had my coffee! I mean, matcha! Like mid-ejaculately

correct yourself. I mean... I saw one of those pillows at a boxing gym that I went to just for a day, just for fitness. I don't train as a badass or anything like that.

But it made me laugh so hard as I'm standing there sweating my face off. Just this pillow on the couch, randomly. Nothing else was in there. It was just like this. I just wondered if just some lunkhead brought it in and was like, you know what? This one makes me feel good. I'm going to leave it here on the couch.

Live, laugh, love. Makes a lot of sense. There's an easy edit where you could just make it say live laugh punch and then boxing gym appropriate yeah yeah hold on did i just write another a24 movie you could bring them into your kind of broad comedy which is the one thing they kind of have yeah they haven't done anything quite like that. They have a lot of really weird stuff that makes you kind of involuntarily laugh in the moment and things, but nothing like, you know. I'd like to see, Matt, what if they hooked up

with Tyler Perry? I mean, that is two indie filmmaking powerhouses, two people that know how to transform a small budget into a big profit. See, I've made this point on stage many, many times and I'm not the first, but billionaires don't know how to spend their money. They spend it wrong. Bezos constantly taking his dumb ass into space over and over as one example. Sure. You know, I would say like, let's say Jesse, you hit the power ball or something and you got like 300 million and you were like, Hey, uh, Mr. Diane A24, you know, who runs and started that place. Can you collaborate? Because I have, you know, 30 million dollars for you to just take and do with it. But you have to have you have to just report back to me.

And, you know, it's like show your work, how much you guys have been collaborating and combining your efforts. I would love to see that movie. That would be fant fantastically weird i need to see the trail of documents yeah i want to see a medea movie with dream logic i think is what we're getting where you don't you don't really know what's real and was the ending real or was it just in medea's mind we don't know we don't know exactly i think it's kind of like a friend of mine who's actually my cousin who's a really good writer he there was a a major you know network that or like a platform let's say it's not marvel but let's just say like like it's marvel they laid out who would you like to play with in our universe so like i think it'd be awesome for a24 to lay their grid out with like all right we, we already have a goat child,

you know, or a lamb child. Okay. We have, you know, we have the, the, the,

the weird Swedish camp where they, you know, they, they will kill you for the, they will for the harvest. You're suggesting an a 24 cinematic universe. Yes. The hundred percent from the lighthouse could meet the decapitated girl from Hereditary.

Yeah. See, they could do that. Jordan, don't spill the beans. I would even say like, go like, let them pick, let Tyler just pick thematically. Let the stuff they haven't covered yet. You know, like this person has a sentient butthole, you know, just tossing it out there. Just tossing that out there. Jordan and I, you and I went to see the lighthouse together in the movie theater that's right tons of absolutely fucking

love that movie amazing movie terrific movie and i have to say though that as i was watching it i thought you know what this movie is missing is a little bit of faith. Right. You know? Yes. Someone who kicks a drug habit and starts a soup kitchen. Like, what if Willem Dafoe, and I know he's done this in a lot of movies, but what if Willem Dafoe in that movie had let go and let God? You know, I would even say, what if you pan down from the lighthouse and there's a small New England town there? That has always relied on the Christmas season. But this year, a lot of the youth have turned away from it and have forgotten where Christmas comes from. They forget the first syllable of that word.

The reason for the season. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm glad you took my alley-oop and slammed it. I thank you so much, Jordan. Could it be, Matt, that they've turned towards a group of Swedes who wear flower hats? Right.

And it's funny you mention let go and let God, Jesse, because as they always say at my boxing gym, let go and let punch, Jesse, because as they always say at my boxing gym, let go and let punch. Sure. Let go and let fly with punches. It's wordy. I would love it if Kirk Cameron, who, you know. Right. Former sitcom star, current Christian wacko.

Undeniably had good comic timing. You know what I mean? It's like, you can't, you can't just take anyone and make them the lead of a sitcom. Old school sitcom actor. Put him, you know,

as a dad at the end of his rope in a car full of screaming kids. Right. You know, and a wife who will not get off her phone. Thank you. And the car just careens to, we took a wrong turn, dad. I know where I'm going, Elaine. And the car just careens. So we took a wrong turn, Dad. I know where I'm going, Elaine.

And he doesn't. Into the Midsommar village. Oh, shit. And the car's wrecked. Kurt Cameron has to use the power of Christ to defeat the pagans. One thousand percent. This guy sounds like a real fish out of water to me. That's exactly where I'm

going. It's a regular ballet mermaid. Thank you for picking up what I'm putting down. Matt, our theme for 2023 is pussy still good. Yeah, I love it. Where in your life are you in your element? What are you still delivering on because look matt bronger legendary actor in the area of doofy neighbor sure doofy dad but i mean as we ran past don't forget doofy scientists yes so officially in the m. That's true. I am. And thanks to one episode of Stand Against Evil, Stupid Doctor. Oh. That's, I mean, honestly, playing a stupid.

You think about all the stuff you've done. And I remember coming in and McGinley has a gash on his head and he's unconscious. And the nurse is like, doctor, come take a look at this. And I look at the, I look at this gash and just go gross. Like that makes me laugh. Like if a doctor just said that about a wound, how mad would you be? Ew. Dana Gould is such a genius comedic writer.

But yes, thank you. Appreciate it. Matt, it's been a while since you've been on the show. You're a beloved recurring guest, but important life event since your last appearance. You're now a dad. I am. Two years and

five months now, I'm a dad. It's an incredible gift, Matt. Pussy's still good, of course. Now, how's your pussy? You know, pussy's still good uh in terms of uh yeah like i would say just to go check down the things the thing that i having a child has has helped me with literally everything it's helped me be healthier to get perspective uh taking my own microscope off myself has let me flourish in a way. And she's the best thing that ever

happened to me since my wife. And it's amazing. It's hard, but it's great. But I will also say, it's one of those things where your career will do this or do that or the other. And right now, comedy, standup entertainment in general is in a constant state of flux. And so, you know, driving myself crazy about it. If I was single, if I didn't have a kid to focus on, you know, it would, I don't know what, I don't know how I would be or what I would be right now. You know, honestly, I think because of my own neurosis, I would kind of turn inward in a very negative way and fall on terrible habits and things like that. And I don't just mean physically.

I mean, just habits of thought, emotional despair, la la la. So it's been awesome to just kind of have this constant, you know, and lucky enough to be able to have had one, you know. Matt, I had a very similar experience. I was completely consumed by negative thought patterns. Yeah. And now that I have your kid to think about. Now that Rose is here. Yeah.

Just so different. Jordan, I think Matt has talked a little bit about his experience with his daughter, Rose. Yeah. What's it like for you with your first son? No, I actually don't have a kid. Gotta get a son. Gotta get a son. I'm working on it.

Matt, these are catchphrases that the audience enjoys. It's a catchphrase from our program. Jesse's setting me up. They like it. I like it. I love it. Every time Jordan says his catchphrases, I love hearing them, Matt.

And I love gotta get a son because it's such a throwback to when that was the only kind of child we valued. You know, you can't see me now, but I'm I'm shrugging. And you were, in fact, worthless as a as an adult, as an adult man, if you didn't have a little male that you co-created. So, you know that I gotta get a son. Girls can't fish. you co-created. So, you know, that I got to get a son. Girls can't fish. You know, it's like, you're like a Jack Lemons character in Glengarry Glen Ross. Like, oh, if I just make this sale, I got to get a son. I got to get a gold watch and I got to get a son. Jordan keeps lifting his, you know, stingy brimmed hat off his head and rubbing his pate.

Got the leads. I got the Gl Glenn Gary leads and then I can get that son. That's exactly. Yes. It's interesting. So I was watching your great new comedy special. Thank you. The title of which is Doug. So, okay, here's what I

how I sat down to watch the special. I booted up my YouTube app there on the TV. I'm like, hey, Matt Bronger's got a new comedy special. I'm in the mood to laugh. My guy. Let's boot this thing up and have the night of your life. Nobody funnier than the ding-donger Matt Bronger.

And I'm like, shoot. I remember that Bronger's special is a guy's name. So I put in Matt, Bronger, Doug, and Matt, Bronger, Gary came up. YouTube understood that I was looking for Matt, Bronger, and a guy's name. Nice. Wait, do you mean you put in Gary and then Doug came up? I put in Gary and Doug came up. Gary is another beloved random dude name that would have gone great as well. I like that YouTube recognized, okay, I just need a generic man's name.

Just need a random, yeah. A random white guy sounding. A Gary is a Doug. A Doug is a Gary. Yes, it's very true. Very true. But something you talk about in your special is the fact that at one point in your life, you could put him away. Sure sure you could rage sure i actually just literally three days ago told my therapist

about the time that bronger came on the max fun cruise and he and maybe chris fairbanks and kyle canane or something like that something along lines, all bought the unlimited drink package. Got to. And agreed to tip $1 a drink, and whoever had tipped the most at the end won. Yeah. And I don't, of course, in true fashion, I don't remember who won. Yeah. Somebody won.

I said to my therapist, there was no irresponsibly behavior that I saw. No. But there was enthusiastic imbibation. Well, it's one of those things where, you know, people like Kyle and Chris, we recognize it's like living like that. It's not tenable. And also, it's certainly not cool. None of us were like, look at these dorks who aren't drinking. It's like it's never been.

It was never. I'm thankful it was even in my crazier days was never like that. Never. There was never like a friend who went sober and we're like, what are you doing loser? Which is common. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Winners never quit, bro. But at the same time, Kyle and I went into town when the boat docked and we found this Caribbean restaurant right on the water and we're sitting in there having drinks and we had lunch and Kyle goes hey can I just jump out this window he asked the waiter and the window was we were we were jutted out over the ocean and the guy's like I won't imitate a Caribbean accent but he was like no one ever has but it's on you if you get hurt and And I was like, so Kyle jumped.

And I went, and I was like, well, now I have to. And I jumped. And then Kyle jumped out, I want to say seven more times. I jumped out maybe two or three and everybody in the bar was just hanging out by our table, seeing if we jump again. All locals. in the bar was just hanging out by our table seeing if we jump again all locals beautiful wait when you say were you like like would you come back into the restaurant sit down at dinner have some bites and then catch them unawares and jump out the window is that what you're describing

that became the joke that became the joke because it was it was just this open window with no pain or anything or or shutters uh It was an open air bar, basically, where we are having lunch and a couple of drinks. And Kyle would just put his foot on the sill and be like, you know, I got to go talk to somebody. And it was always we always have something. You got to wait 30 minutes, though, or else you're going to cramp up. Exactly. A hundred percent.

But it was it was just this it was just this weird. The funniest thing about it was the repetition of just like, I don't know when you're going to jump, but I know you're going to jump out the window. But it's going to happen. But yeah, the question I want to ask is, you mentioned that you still do find time to have a drink every now and then. Oh, sure. What is your current dad life like, R.E., having a nice time? I'll have a couple of drinks in the weekend, but that's pretty much it. I do gigs during the week and I always drive.

And I don't like... I'm one of those people, I don't like having a trace of alcohol in my body if I'm behind the wheel of a car. I got arrested for drunk driving in my 20s. And I wish I could sit here in front of you guys and go, and that taught me a lesson. No, I definitely would drive intoxicated in Los Angeles a lot when I first moved to LA. And this isn't an excuse, but it was an environment everybody I knew did. Right. Everybody I knew. And like one thing I learned back when I, you know, went through the program, so to speak, in Portland, Oregon, when I got arrested,

was that it is the most commonly committed crime in the country, hands down. More than jaywalking, more than changing on your taxes, any of that stuff. It's just people just don't think about it. So as I've gotten older, it's kind of just been like, all right, you have too much to waste, A. And B, I just don't like the feeling. And as you get older, your cognitive awareness goes down. So if I've had a glass of wine and we have to get somewhere, okay, sure. But I just don't. So anyway, long story long, I just like getting there. And having alcohol in your system, doing stand-up, it's always at least somewhat detrimental. So if I'm at a fun festival and we've had a couple beers, sure, I'll do a short set kind of thing.

But I try not to have drinks when I'm doing stand-up. That said, my wife and I do like having a great time. I think this is going to sound crazy to most people. Drinking with a kid is super fun. If we have friends over and we have a couple glasses of wine and all our kids are running around, it's a blast. It's a good time to have that shared experience. And kids are fun. My parents used to throw giant raucous parties when I was a little kid. And the only negative thing I could say about any of it, and I remember them very clearly,

is that everybody smoked. That was it. That was the only part that really was like, oh, this is bad for a kid. But at the time, we breathed smoke like air. It's the early 80s. My wife and I went out to dinner the other night, which was very exciting. I think it was our second date since the pandemic. And we went to the Smokehouse in Burbank, which is just –

Huge fan. We always like to salute Burbank here on Jordan, Jesse, go. I love it. The Smokehouse is a restaurant that's popular with, hey, now Hank Kingsley from the Larry Sanders show. Yep. And at the Smokehouse, which is sort of a – it know, it's like a red vinyl booth kind of restaurant. It's amazing. It's pretty much what the name would suggest.

If you imagine like an Elliot Gould movie where he's wandering around the valley and he goes to a bar and dinner somewhere, that's where he's at. Yeah. Who's the Natalie Dress director? He did Bridesmaids. Uh, he, Paul Feig, Paul Feig just came up with a book of cocktails and they interviewed him

about his favorite places to get martinis. And I think smokehouse was like the third of the 10 he mentioned. Great bar. They always have a, you know, somebody, you know, an older guy in a tux doing Sinatra songs into a karaoke machine that he probably brought from home.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, a lot of charm. My wife and I had a nice dinner there. It was a great place. I was really, really happy that we went. She had an old-fashioned, which is one of her favorite drinks. Oh, yeah. And I don't drink, so I was driving.

But she had an old-fashioned, and then she ordered a second, which it just had been a while. Like she doesn't, and she didn't drink all of it. She probably drank two thirds of it, three quarters of it. We got home, put our older kid to bed. The younger kids were already in bed, put our older kid to bed. My wife was in her room waiting for her to fall asleep. I was in the other room waiting to kiss with my wife. And I was like, man, it is getting late. And I went in there and my wife was asleep on one of

those, like a, like a Papa-san type chair. It's not actually made of wicker. It's like, you know, Ikea version, but she was asleep on that in my daughter's room. And I went, she was wearing her overcoat still. I went and I, I like shook her shoulder and she really, truly went, and then turned around and just curled up in a circle in the chair, like pulled her jacket over her, like a, like a little blanket. And I was like, jacket over her like a, like a little blanket. And I was like, Oh, I guess when we're in our forties, this is one and a half drinks. You try and wake someone up and they just go. Yeah. My wife is the exact same way when we have like a night where we go hard, you know, which is like more than one or two. And, you know,, we go to bed at like 9, 9.30, sometimes 10.

And we went to our friend's place in San Diego, another couple for New Year's Eve. And it was just the four of us plus Rose. And it was just us cooking, drinking, watching Rose, playing games. And I remember when it struck midnight, I was like, wow like i felt like a guy who'd been doing coke for two days it's tomorrow you know like i can't believe it like you know because the time just flew by but also it was like i never stay up till midnight unless i'm like on the road and i have a second show who's this ryan seacrest character we gotta he seems. We gotta see what else this guy gets up to. Well yeah, hey, you guys want to check out what Ryan Seacrest is up to

and then come back for some more? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, a detective. Hey, we'll see San Francisco and the San Francisco Bay Area at San Francisco Sketch Fest.

We're going to be there Sunday, February 5th. And we've got Kevin MacDonald from the Kids in the Hall. We've got Mary Roach from Best Selling Books. It's going to be an all games episode. We're doing food games, Jordan. Yeah, we've got a lot of fun food related goofs. And this might be a little bit disappointing for Jordan, Jesse Goh fans who expect a certain kind of show. But during this performance, we will be bringing you content.

Yeah. That's right. I know that the purpose of this program is to not be anything, but by the time we've charged for tickets, we do want to give you some things. So we will be planning bits in advance, doing a bunch of our favorite recurring games with some of our favorite folks. So yeah, sfsketchfest.com. We're there at the Gateway Theater on January 5th. We got a big song and dance number too. We should mention that.

Oh, Jesse, we've had to cut the song and dance number. But that was my big solo. I sprained my butt. I've been pooping too much. but I've been pooping too much. Of course, Jordan, Jesse, go. It's always brought to you by the members of Maximum Fun. If you're a member of Maximum Fun,

let's say thank you right now to you. We really appreciate it. It means the world to us. We're also supported this week by the folks at Wild Grain. Wild Grain is a bake-from-f from frozen subscription box for sourdough bread, fresh pasta, and artisanal pastries. And I'll tell you this, Jordan. Yes. I got some Wild Grain in my chest freezer right now. I'm going to bust it out tonight, make myself a nice sourdough loaf.

I have already busted out my Wild Grain goodies, and they were awesome. We got this beautiful pasta, made it with a great loaf of sourdough, hot out of the oven. A meal that frankly, I was so good, I was surprised it was prepared by me. I could not believe that this delicious meal of wonderful pasta and fresh out of the oven bread was prepared by me, a dumb guy. Really, really cool. Really easy to make. Such a treat. Yeah, the pasta and bread was fantastic. I got some croissants in the freezer.

I got some chocolate croissants in the freezer. Cannot wait to get those in the oven. The chocolate croissants are really good. Have you had those yet? I have broken my no chocolate rule to eat the chocolate croissants and they're really good. Because you can get them right out of the oven with the chocolate still all gooey. Oh, it's really, really good. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to put those croissants in tomorrow. I'm going to make a little egg sandwich. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Well, for a limited time, you can get $30 off your first box plus free croissants

in every box when you go to wildgrain.com slash JJ Go to start your subscription. Yeah, you heard us. Free croissants in every box and $30 off your first box when you go to wildgrain.com slash JJ Go. That's wildgrain.com slash JJ Go. Just use the code JJ Go when you check out. And this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Jesse, we've talked a lot about the benefits of therapy on this show. It's something we both do. It's something we both advocate for. It's a great opportunity to talk to somebody about Matt Bronger's drinking. If you're concerned about Matt Bronger or yourself or your family members, therapy is a great place to talk about that.

But I wanted to talk about how cool it is to be able to do remote therapy. It's something that I've been doing. It's something I started during the pandemic and kept up. And remote therapy is really great. You can do it kind of in the comfort of your own home. You can have a beloved pet next to you while you do therapy. You can have your favorite drinks. You can drink those. Maybe make sure they're non-alcoholic. I don't know. Listen, I'm not your therapist. I won't... No, maybe a Shirley Temple.

Nice Shirley Temple or Roy Rogers. Yeah. These are all great things to drink during therapy. But yeah, it's so cool that you have the option of kind of skipping the drive, skipping the parking, and just doing therapy in the comfort of your own home thanks to modern technology. I really love doing it. And I think it's a really cool option. There's a lot of ways you can get therapy. You can ask a doctor for a recommendation.

You can go to a local health clinic. Or you can check out BetterHelp. BetterHelp offers only online therapy. So if you want to talk to somebody via video chat, if you want to talk to somebody via phone, if you want to just do text, these are all options and they're all great. I actually do like to do a little therapy via phone sometimes. Take a walk, take a walk and talk. It can be very meditative. I've done that too, and I really appreciate it. And look, if you've got a waterproof phone, you can do that Dave Holmes thing. He does his therapy on a surfboard out in the ocean. What? Wow. That's real. I didn't make that up. That's another fucking great thing

about our friend Dave Holmes. That guy's got next level therapy skills. Okay. Anyway, if you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can get you there. Visit betterhelp.com slash JJ go today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H E L P.com slash JJ go. Jordan, when does your comic hit the shelves? Yes. The Archie comics anthology pops chocolate shop of horrors that I contributed to will be out on March 22nd, but pre-orders are up now. We're going to throw the info into the episode description here, but if you've got a pen handy, just call your local comics guy and tell them you want JAN231229. And I guess I should mention, I haven't mentioned this on the show yet this is a single issue of comics this is 399 you're not dropping a you know hardcover graphic novel price on this

399 a great issue of comics wait 399 are you out of your mind i'm out of my mind the archie comics corporation they're out of their mind we're all nuts over here, this was such a fun project and I'm so excited for people to see it. J-A-N-2-3-1-2-2-9. Pop's Chocolate Shop of Horrors at your local comic book place on March 22nd. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, a tribute to the shirt you're wearing right now? Yes, and my beard. We were talking about Kyle, and I remembered how when we first became friends, we used to make fun of each other, and I would call him the cuddliest rebel

because he dressed like rockability and, you know, back then he had hair, you know, a little swoop. And he called me the softest lumberjack. So long road to that. that's you are a you are a gentle boy i really am let me ask you this matt you're a dad now would you say that you have any skills yeah you know i feel like you develop them there's no there's no teacher like experience i'm not talking about child care okay love

feeling love growing the heart and i'm talking about woodworking oh oh like am i handy no not just handy i mean can you do anything like you said you were taking boxing classes but apparently only for fitness right so what are you bringing to the table matt well uh i i would say a lot of my expertise comes with basically interpersonal relations for one no right no okay first of all no unless you're talking about teaching a like a how to win friends and influence people you're doing that self-imposed beta male shit now aren aren't you? So you're just like, the only skills are the things I've read about in a 1950s magazine. Those are skills. Those are the skills I'm talking about here.

If you told me I passed a Dale Carnegie course. I don't know what that is. I'm a real man. Listen, Jordan B. Peterson and I need to have a word with you. We're intellectually curious, you know, and that's part of what makes a man is curiosity. And Burger King is a king. And he has a land of burgers. No, I agree that.

I'm very impressed by people who can, say, build a chair. Let me think. Leathercraft, martial arts. Wow. Car repair. No. Car repair. No. Hawk training. Hawk training would be anything with a raptor.

You know what I can do? I can do, I can chop wood. I can load wood correctly. I know the difference between, I know about how much wood a cord is as opposed to a half cord. Can you kind of eyeball it? Yep.

I grew up, I grew up with a shed at the back of the house and we, uh, Pacific Northwest. We had a wood burning stove that, that heated the entire house. That was the house I grew up in. So this is what we're talking about. That's what it took some digging. It took some real digging, but, uh, yeah, I mean, you know, another one will come to me later probably in a, in a day or two but then it'll be too late ever do that kind of chopping where you chop it in there and it goes about two

thirds of the way in then you lift it back up and you lift the whole stump that's right and then you slam it back down that's right that's right yes incredible that's yeah that's that that that's a fun moment because that that clean captain america right through and then two pieces fly in the air and you catch them both. That's rare. It's real rare to do. Wait, you catch them both? That's particularly incredible. It's something that probably never happened, but I always dreamed about as a kid.

So in my mind, maybe it happened once. Well, now you're a father. You got to get yourself some super soldier serum. You're in the MCU. You have access to it. Well, and he also ripped one in half arguing with that fucking dickhead Tony Stark. You know, that guy.

That self-centered guy. When something momentous happens to you, like you chop wood in half in one stroke and then you catch both halves. Correct. Presumably the axe lodges in the stump underneath so you don't have to keep a hand on that right or you catch them with a swooping motion of the other hand yeah like you catch the one outside and then you swing around and catch

the other one with that same hand yes we. We have all these strange, legendary, I wasn't there, but I heard about it things in, let's just say, male lore. Like my dad grew up, him and all his brothers grew up in the, basically the market slash butchery that my grandfather started, Bronger Meats in Sioux City, Iowa.

Oh, wow. It's still there. It's called Bronger Meats in Sioux City, Iowa. Oh, wow. It's still there. It's called Bronger Market. Nobody in the family owns it, but there were- You can go there and get meat, though. I could. I'd have to pay for it.

They'll give you a little meat. They'll probably give me a discount because of my name. They'd give you some meat. They'd give you- They'd probably give me some meat. A rump roast. They'd throw some ham at you

and you could catch it in your mouth. Sure. Why not? Just a slice of ham in the air. A rump roast. Then throw some ham at you and you can catch it in your mouth. Sure. Why not? Just a slice of ham in the air. Like a land dolphin. Yeah, just ball up some ham. Your dad used to drive the trucks here and smoke cigarettes when he was 13. It's true.

My dad thought if you drove a truck, you had to smoke. So he took up smoking. He learned how to smoke. Makes sense to me. It's just like the key in the ignition. It's just as important. Yeah the in the ignition is just as important yeah you got to work that double clutch and you gotta yeah truck won't start smoke a cigarette you really do but there were they would talk about the guys who were the actual you know

butcher butchers and how there was a guy who would chop so fast if like a fly was in the air he would chop the fly in half and get a new get a new knife a new butcher's butcher's uh chop knife like but like you imagine like those things the big heavy ones yeah you know like just and the flies in half and i'm like bullshit and literally all my uncles are like yep i saw it i confirmed it i saw the bisected fly myself we'll never know we'll never know yeah anyway when something momentous happens to you, call us 206-984-4FUN or just send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Here's one of those. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. I'm going to guess Wallace Shawn.

Close. This is Christian calling from Dana Point, California. I was just driving my son to school. He is nonverbal. He has autism and speech apraxia, and he uses an AAC device to communicate, which is an iPad. And I asked him, you know, what he wanted to do today, and he said, I think I want to listen to Usher, which is not something I've introduced him to. Not sure how Usher ended up on his speaking device, and not sure at what level he's committed. Is he like little John Yeah, or is he deeper 90s Usher cuts? But either way, learn something new every day about your kids. So stay strong and keep up the work. Bye. I think this is a great idea. I think

all speech synthesis devices do have a shortcut or quick type for Usher. Yeah. And I think that this is a good lesson for all the parents out there. Of course, I'm not a parent. Gotta get a son. But, you know, for all parents out there.'t have a son no i don't have a son i'm working on it i'm working on it okay all parents out there talk to your kids about usher or they're gonna learn about him somewhere else and you just want them to have good information about usher a lot of people think they can keep their kids away from Usher through ignorance. Right. And the reality is

they're going to be flipping through the channels. They're going to run into a Michael Jackson tribute. Of course. They're going to run into an hour-long television special organized by Mary J. Blige.

Sure. They're going to run into a new dancing reality competition program. And of course, let's not forget strip clubs. Kids love going in strip clubs. You know, if a kid just finds himself on a field trip to Magic City in Atlanta

and here's the latest single and is like, who's this? And just gets laughed out the door. And honestly, if it's me, and I know this is controversial, number one, I think they should teach Usher in schools. I agree. I agree.

And number two, I think that by the time kids are 11 years old, by the time they're in middle school, they're ready to find out about Tyrese. Yeah, that's agreed. Agreed. Yes. I'm just saying. This is all just a gateway drug to Genuine. No, it starts with a little harmless usher. Sure.

Sure. Well, you know, genuine is when you're older than 18, you can choose whether or not you want genuine. You know? And that's your right. As an adult. As an adult. There was a kid in my high school. This is a true story.

100% true. A hundred percent true. There was a kid in my high school who grew up homeschooled, very Christian family, incredibly sheltered, came to high school, started kind of learning about how things were going. Yeah. In what I call the real world. Yeah. Ten-year reunion. Fast forward. Ten-year reunion. We're all 28 years old. Yeah. I'm talking to this guy.

His name is Gary. Mm-hmm. Talking to Gary. And he looks a little messy. I say, what's going on? And he said, well, you know how I learned about Usher for the first time in high school? I ended up hooked on jodeci yeah and he had happened that'll happen sold his parents bible to buy casey and jojo albums yeah

and that kind of stuff can happen i mean you can't you can't you can't will your way i mean you know this as a parent, Jordan. You're childless. I'm not a parent. I've got to get a son. I'm working on it. But you can't will this onto your children. You have to give them the tools.

Yeah. Because otherwise, you know, otherwise they're going to learn about guy on the streets. You know, what happens when your kid is at the boys club and somebody sidles up to them, some older kids sidles up to them and say, what do you know about orange juice Jones? Sure. Walking in the rain. Yeah. What if someone makes a reference to body knocking, you know, body rocking, knocking the boots. Exactly. And yeah, it's, you know, I mean, I, you know, I feel like I was thrust into things crazily. Portland's a very progressive town,

but I mean, we were, you know, enjoying raw Jodeci when it came out because we didn't know about the impact. We didn't know about the power of these, these, these. I run these fuck jams. Fuck jams with hooded track suits in the rain and Doc Martin boots with the pants tucked in. Matt, I run a program for kids,

and I'm glad this topic came up because I do run a program for kids, and if there's teachers out there or school administrators who want to bring me in to do a presentation, I'm glad to. It's called Students with Values, SWV. We teach kids. I don't know. Something, something, Blackstreet, whatever. I think that could be misinterpreted as a gateway into yet another.

Hey, guys. I think we did great with this. Yeah. Let's do this internet thing, Jordan. Yeah. So let's move on from the great bit that we all contributed to in really fun ways. Matt, for your information, we were talking about the early internet being nostalgic for the world of chat rooms and the like. We set up an email address for the show, jordanjessegoeataol.com, and we asked listeners to write in with their embarrassing tales from Internet 1.0. Matt, were you a part of this internet? Were you an AOL chatroom guy?

Were you on newsgroups? I didn't get that. That all happened when I was in college. And I had friends who were very, very involved. And I didn't really... I understood it. But I was like... My whole who were very, very involved and I didn't really, I understood it, but I was like, my, my whole thing was like, you're talking to people that aren't around. What's the point? You know, I didn't see that the, the writing back and forth thing. I remember my mom being like, I'm going to stick to letters and you're like, okay. And

that didn't affect me, but it was that, that's how low level it was when I graduated and moved to Chicago. Then it was like, okay, we all have email addresses and this is how we're going to communicate. Wow, I can just write something and shoot it off like that. It didn't kind of actualize during the whole AOL boom, so to speak. So where did you learn about Jaheim if you didn't have... On the streets. Yep. You know, just like all of the modern R&B tiers.

Yes, the playground. Holy cow. So this is a letter from a listener. And of course, since these are sensitive topics, the listeners will choose to remain anonymous oftentimes. This is from Embarrassed in Gilroy. And our email address, jordanjessegoeataol.com. Yes, let us know. Let us know your internet 1.0 shames, just like Embarrassed in Gilroy. And our email address, jordangessiego at aol.com. Yes, let us know. Let us know your

internet 1.0 shames, just like embarrassed in Gilroy. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and Steve Agee. Close. Early in the AOL chat era, a couple of my friends told me about hooking up online. Figuring I'd give this a try, I logged on to an AOL chat room, and after the standard I liked this so far. and I responded in kind. Eventually, as things started getting really good, she just started typing meow over and over and over again. I was not in a feline or furry fetish chat room, but apparently this was her thing. It was not my thing. I logged out shortly thereafter and never returned. Embarrassed in guilt, Roy.

Thank you, embarrassed, for writing in. I don't know, you know, and again, this person was probably young when this was happening, and obviously, sexuality can be intimidating. How do you know it's not your thing, Embarrassed? Give it a shot. Talk about licking your own nasty little butthole. Talk about crapping in the sand. Just see. You won't know until you try. I would say this about this. Obviously, we had many conversations about furry culture earlier on in our program, maybe a decade ago. It was a topic for a little while. We learned a lot from some furry listeners. Being a furry is not exclusively about sexuality.

listeners, being a furry is not exclusively about sexuality. But in my opinion, number one, if you're in a chat room, and number two, if we're talking about a cat, one of the more sexual non-human animals, I think you just go for it. You just go for it. If they're talking about a beaver or something, and when I say beaver, I mean the animal beaver with the big flappy tail. That's an advanced... Jesse, I can see the point you're trying to make. Why are you naming sexier animals? Flat tail. Hence the euphemism. I love a hard worker. I love a hard worker, if you know what I mean. They're a boner causing animals. Forget about it. A beaver's got a gorgeous dumper. There's no doubt about that. Those teeth? Tail thick.

If you're talking about an iguana, okay, if somebody starts making iguana noises, well, then, yeah, that ought to give you pause. But if you're hungry enough for sexuality, you're a teen in an AOL chat room typing A slash S slash L and then dropping trow as soon as you got into a private room. Yeah. Don't let the meow stop you. A hundred percent. Yeah. And it's also really what's going on is whatever you want to go on in your mind. That's what these hookups are about.

So you went the wrong way. You imagined her in a production of cats. Right. And I understand that is a boner killer, but well, speak for yourself. You're right. Yeah. You just step out of my own shoes here. But yeah, you could imagine this person saying the word meow in the throes of passion and there's no cats around. So, right. Hey, there you go. Yeah. I mean, I've said that when I was ejaculating. Who hasn't? I think the moral here is that human sexuality is a buffet. Try the cat salad.

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Namaste. If you have an embarrassing tale from the early internet, email us jordangessiegoe at AOL.com and we will anonymously read your story on the air. Yeah, why don't we take a little break and come back with some more Jordan Gessigoe and Matt Bronger. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Parenting. It's hard, but don't worry.

You're not alone. Belly up to the low bar with one bad mother and let us remind you that fine is good enough. They want to climb on different things. And how am I supposed to keep them both from dying? There is a right way to do this. And if I can figure out that right way, I'm going to be a good parent. So that is not a thing. So join us each week and let us tell you that going to be a good parent. So that is not a thing. So join us each week and let us tell you that you are doing a good job. You can listen to One Bad Mother on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. This week on Bullseye, Tom Hanks, as you've never heard him before, mad.

You moron. Thank you for the use of the turn signal. Way to use your blinker, idiot. That's Bullseye from MaximumFun.org and NPR. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Matt Bronger, poet, lumberjack.

I apologize. Would you say you're the lumberjack laureate? Not the laureate. That's, of course, Gary Gary. Same first name and last name. But he literally lives inside of a tree. He's from Indiana, isn't he? Well, he lives there now. Yeah. I won't get into Gary Gary's politics, but he went there for a reason. Oh, wow. OK. Yeah. Yeah. Big free speech guy, huh?

Oh, yeah. A lot of curiosity with Gary, is that what you would say? Sure. Yeah. I mean, you know, he's let's say he's a libertarian in the extreme. I'll put it that way. Matt, have you ever gotten punched in boxing fitness class? Yeah, sure. Just, you know, what you're kind of sparring with somebody kind of thing. Sure. It glances off the head, but it's kind of, it's still, I'm never in those gyms where

actual boxer boxers train. Right. So yeah, I've never taken. The only punches I've taken to the head are real ones, sadly, in my life. Wait, when have you gotten punched in the head for real? When, you know, you're a kid, you get in little fights. I've been jumped a couple times in high school. Let's see.

By like a gang of street toughs that didn't like your attitude you know actually i was i was this this is very dark but i was actually jumped at gunpoint when i was 17 in a park called fern hill in portland well we had the thing the thing is portland is a very livable town but we had this you know there's this thing that was going on all over the country where you had basically like flood the street drugs based on cocaine like crack had kind of flooded all the areas and portland was was no different what you had was gangs moving up from la moving north to places like portland places like seattle you get a nice house cheaper there's well there's like a good restaurant culture and the coffee the coffee

coffee they love the rain at that time it was mostly a lot of the gigs were into like sound garden or they were into like steven malchmas or something yeah and they're like i know where i can chase this down like if i love a lot of the bangers down here in LA were super into the microphones and they were moving to those kind of like islands off the coast of Washington. Yeah. The San Juans. Yes. You joke, but like the ice cube songs, my summer vacation is exactly what I'm talking about. They've been found like young, young guys who didn't have strong parental presence in their lives. And we're like, all right, you know, you're our gang now. You slang for us.

And what you get when that happens, that happened also with the skinheads. There's a guy named Metzger who moved in. If you see American History X, there was actually a camp that I knew people would go to and they would listen to punk rock and get indoctrinated. So you had it. That was the white side of things. The black side of things was the thing I just mentioned. And what you get from that is angry young men who is something to prove. Now, your typical gangbanger is not just going to go up to a random couple of white kids carrying beer through a park to a party and just kick their ass. But you have kids who are like,

fuck this. I'm tough. I'm in a gang now. I have to show out. They jumped us. And boy, did I get my ass handed to me and one of them was branching a gun and it was what i only bring up the backstory because those are the wildest people who are like i i have to show you how crazy i am because like i grew up in a like in a distinctly gang dominated neighborhood yeah i never i never got beat up like i got robbed many times sure like but that makes sense yeah like nobody took my wallet they took my beer but it was just because i was carrying it they wanted to finish your beer for you it was what the last thing me and my friend nick heard were you know what's up with my beer homie or something like that and i was like huh and i

turned and just caught a punch to the face, like immediately. And like, was just pinwheeling around while these guys just jumped on me. And, you know, it was like, it was literally like, like, I'm going to exert my power over you. That's all it is. That happens a lot. You know, they say when Donald Trump enters a room. Yeah.

They say the first thing he does is finishes everyone's beer. He drinks their Spauldings. That's a buddy of mine was in a frat and that was the term they had for a guy that would go around and just drink the rest of people's drinks. They're called Spauldings from the son in Caddyshack who barfs through the hood of the guy's Porsche. He's like, your DNA is inside me. Matt, do you have boxing gym friends? Do you have like boxing buddies? Do you guys...

I just take various fitness classes and if I have a boxing friend, it's my wife. We punch each other. Oh, that's really nice. That's really beautiful. Has anybody ever punched you from SoulCycle? No, but

when they're like, say congrats to the person next to you, I have gotten a stiff arm or someone who's barely holding on and they kind of lash out with an awkward high five and smack my ear or something accidentally and then go, I'm so sorry. And then they grab your beer and

finish it. Yeah. The beer you were drinking in SoulCycle. We all have high APV IP you know, IPAs in my SoulCycle, which... Yeah. Burt Kreischer talked about how he loves taking like an hour on the treadmill while he'll just finish an entire bottle of wine. And I was like, that is insanity. That's such a waste of exertion. Like you've done nothing.

You've negated all the heart healthiness your cardio has given you insane behavior it doesn't even sound fun yeah matt your special doug is uh on youtube right now people can type matt bronger doug into youtube and they will find it or any man's name matt bronger followed by a standard man name. The algorithm will guide you home. Yes. You know what? Go to Nickelodeon. Type in Doug.

You're going to find Matt Bronger. Why not? Why the fuck not? Matt Bronger is dog pork chop. That adorable patty mayonnaise. My episode of iCarly from 2007. You'll find it. Go to Nickelodeon.

A lot of Bronger on Nickelodeon. A lot of bragger on Nickelodeon. You're also headed out on the road for a few days. Where are you going? Where are you next? I'm next in San Diego at the Soda Bar on January 21st. San Diego, beautiful city. Beautiful city. It's a wonderful town. Can I recommend? Please. Go check out one of those submarines they got.

I will check out a submarine right by the water. I'm visiting a friend there, so we'll be seeing all the sights. So that'll be great. After that, I'm in Royal Oak, Michigan from February 2nd to the 4th. Can I make a suggestion? Please. Check out one of the submarines they got there. I will.

Right in downtown Detroit, all their famous submarines. During the steel boom. Sure. After that, your friend and mine, Kyle Kinane and I will be going on tour together in the Roommates Tour. We're going to be in Duluth February 22nd. I'm ahead of myself. We're going to be in Sioux Falls February 21st. February 23rd, we'll be in lovely, beautiful, all around, no matter what time of the year it is, Fargo. And then February 24th,

we'll be in Winnipeg. Can I make a suggestion for Winnipeg while you're there? Yes. While you're there, check out one of their famous hoagies. I will. I will. Get one of those hoagies. You could hardly have a better time than to go see Matt Bronger, Matt Bronger and Kyle Kinane. If you're in one of those places, don't be a turkey and miss it only a real turkey would miss it i'm not talking about submarine sandwiches here jordan yeah talking about those fucking gobblers yeah you'd have to be a real pastrami head to miss this i mean come on uh but yeah braga the uh the special is so funny um yeah and the fact that it's uh just watchable there on youtube is is a treat. So yeah, I suggest go see them live or check out the special or do both.

And if you see me live, you can watch the special after because I'm not doing anything from that hour that's on YouTube. So enjoy. And if you don't have the ducats to come see me, that's fine. Watch me for free on YouTube. Yeah, we'll throw up a link to the special on all the Jordan, Jesse Go social media. If for some reason you forgot how to do it, just check us out there. Speaking of the Jordan, Jesse Go social media, find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash Jordan, Jesse Go. Find us

on Twitter at Jordan, Jesse Go. Jordan and I are both on Instagram at Jordan David Morris and at put.this.on. Our music on Jordan, Jesse Go, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our thanks to them. Our producer is Daniel Zafran,

producer Emeritus, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. You can find us on Reddit at maximumfun.reddit.com. And if you're into going to things, we'll see you at San Francisco Sketch Fest. Get your tickets right now because we've got Mary Roach and Kevin MacDonald and it's going to be it's going to be a heck of a good time

is what I would say a heck of a good time yeah February 5th SF Sketch Fest 8 o'clock Gateway Theater SF Sketch Fest dot com get those tickets we'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jessica I'll hug you and kiss you and love you love you love you love you Get those tickets. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.