Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Shots Of Yellow Ice with Kenice Mobley

Episode Date: February 9, 2023

Kenice Mobley joins Jordan and Jesse to talk doing chores on drugs, different types of pottery people and Kenice's time playing Chuck E. Cheese.Check out Kenice's new album "Follow Up Question" out now!Don’t forget to pre-order the “Pop’s Chocklit Shoppe of Horrors” that Jordan wrote on using code JAN231229 at your local comic shop!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm bean archivist Jesse Thorne. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Well, Jordan, I try not to brag on this show, but... A humble man. I've done something pretty special. Let me have it. Let, let you know let us have it

let us all have it well are you familiar with these bathe us in your specialness are you familiar with these heritage seed vaults uh no i'm not so i know those words yeah so but I've never heard them arranged that way. And I certainly wasn't aware that it was part of some sort of trend. Yeah. So there is a movement to preserve plants, especially food plants, but not exclusively food plants, so that biodiversity, especially in our food pathways, is preserved. So you'll find these special places protected against nature, protected against the elements where they keep enough seeds to repopulate the population of certain kinds of corn or certain kinds of trees. And the goal here is that no

matter what happens, that we will have a broad and diverse group of food products so that they both can't be wiped off the face of the earth. And if there is some kind of environmental catastrophe, they can be regrown from that. And there are a lot of great scientists working on this challenge. You know, a lot of great botanists, a lot of great food scientists of various types, and I'm the greatest of all of them. Wow. Oh my gosh. Congratulations. Thank you. On outclassing all those chumps, all those second rate bargain bin botanists. Yeah. I think a lot of people think the only way to become successful in the field of botany is to go to botany college, get some plant degree.

Yeah. Just learn about what some dead white males have to say about seeds. Yeah, exactly. And at the end of the day, in my opinion, the best way to become a great botanist is to practice botany, which is what I've done. I don't think that any ivory tower can house the seeds or the seed knowledge that we need if there is a blight on this great nation or indeed in the world. I think that it's going to take street-level activists like me, and of course, Curtis Sliwa, founder of the Guardian Angels, who I anticipate will soon be going into plant protection, to do what's necessary to protect our foods. And I've protected, in my case i i'm working on a bean challenge and i just found out that i'm the best in the world oh my gosh well first of all i just want

to say that the seeds being stored in a vault in case of apocalypse sounds like the starting point of a recent Gerard Butler movie. That's right. It causes some sort of seed typhoon and it scoops up his daughter who he was having kind of a strained relationship with and he has to defeat the seed typhoon, but also repair his relationship with his daughter. Jordan, I'm glad that you brought that up because number one i've already optioned my life rights to gerard butler good call and number two i'm working on preserving gerard butler's seed okay see so that's that's not the seeds i mean that's

not what i'm talking about specifically here but you. You're just getting Gerard Butler to come in jars. Yes. Well, not as hard as you think. He doesn't need a lot of convincing, Jordan. No, yeah. Oh, that dude sees a jar and he's already halfway there, if you know what I mean. I mean, honestly, that guy sees a jar, it's already halfway full. This guy hydrates.

Yeah. Okay. Do not leave him alone in the jam aisle. No, I'm working on my primary focus is on beans. And again, I don't mean to brag, but I was just in my pantry getting ready to make my family some dinner. I pulled out a can of baked beans from Trader Joe's, took a look at the bottom to see when the best buy date was, and it was in 2014.

So what'd you do to these old ass beans? Well, I'm going to preserve them for future generations. Okay. Jordan, I figure I'm pretty much all the way there you know future generations will thank me they'll say jesse thank you for preserving these sweet juicy beans you've like moved a couple times since 2014 right multiple times since 2014 how many apartments or houses have these beans been in would you say i think this is only the third home and one of them i mean you may remember jordan when i lived in mount washington i moved from one house to another house that involved passing my furniture over a fence right so that barely counts as a move so

this is maybe of maybe a four house bean. This is only a three house bean. I mean, okay. I might've brought it to a vacation home at some point. Right. And then packed it back up when you didn't need it. Like if we rented a nice place on the coast or something, big sir.

Cause you might think, what if there's no grocery stores and I need some beans, you know, this relationship you have with this can of beans is pretty significant at this point, right? Yeah. I mean, I have, I know Jordan, you didn't ask this question, but yes, I have had these beans longer than two of my three children. Cause I'm presuming like the 2014 was the best buy and that's going to be two years after you buy it, right? So these are 2012 beans. These beans have been around at least a decade.

And I mean, one of my children is five and one is eight or nine. I don't remember. And so these beans are older than both of them, without a doubt. And I'm not even counting the time between harvesting production and preparation and canning. I'm leaving that aside completely. I'm talking about since they've been in the can longer than my kids have been out of the can. My wife gave birth from her butt, I guess. Now, it's interesting that you bring up your wife. Yeah, my ex-wife now that I said that.

Should something happen to your marriage, God forbid, because I think we all love your marriage, hashtag relationship goals. Thank you, Jordan. Should something happen to your marriage, you know, health thing or she hears the podcasts and kind of realizes what

she's done. Yeah. Do you think you'll marry the beans? Jordan? Mm-hmm. You know how basketball players and traveling salesmen tell their family they got to be on a road trip but then they go in and take care of another family oh my gosh are you the beans are my side family wow the beans know about teresa but teresa doesn't

know about the beans it sounds like it sounds like this side dish is a side piece thank you thank you also working on something about how the basketball players and the traveling salesman were both traveling i don't know i don't know is there a basketball guy who's famous for traveling sure uh i don't know james harden or something yeah there you go that's anyway he's he's the real traveling salesman anyway i think the side dish thing was better should end it on that yeah i mean none of this was good per se you know what it was fine hey you know i'm i'm through with this negative self-talk jesse thank you jordan okay how about this i'm through with this negative self-talk, Jesse. Thank you, Jordan. Okay. How about this?

I'm through. I'm going to say it. Jordan, the thing about the side dish being a side piece was fine. It was a fine thing to say on a podcast. I think people enjoyed it. You know, my mother would describe Jordan, Jesse Goh as good enough for government work. You know? Right. Ultimately, this is about the pension. my mother would describe Jordan, Jesse go as good enough for government work, you know, right.

Ultimately, this is about the pension. You got to show up and get the pension. She's doing this for that gold watch. Our guest on the program this week is a standup comic and also sometime filmmaker. She has her debut record is out right now. It's called follow-Up Question. Kenice Mobley. Hi, Kenice. How are you? Hello. I'm so happy to be here. I listen and I'm a big fan of a lot of the people that you guys have had on and thank you for having me.

Thank you. We've watched your stand-up comedy and we're big fans of a lot of the people you've done stand-up comedy with. Thank you. A lot of the people you've done stand-up comedy with thank you the people you've shared stages with kani your record is great and i think there's two things from it that i think we should bring up one i don't think we need to dwell too much on this but i'm thinking that maybe i brought up gerard but coming in jars. You did. Because there's a pretty hearty coming in jars chunk on your album. Yes. I'm genuinely curious how many people would stick around if you did start asking them to come in jars. I think that's a good test of a relationship or how much someone likes you if you just point to a jar and say fill it

if they stay then you guys are meant to be that's beautiful let me ask you this jordan yeah we've been comedy and business partners for about two decades now and i got some jars down jarred butlers in's in Croatia filming a movie. I don't know. What do you say? About the weather helping him get back together with his daughter. Canice, who in your life would your relationship with endure if it involved Jarcom?

Are we business partners or is this for my own personal means? Like ends? Is that? No, I'm just talking about who in your life could come up to you and say, going to start coming in jars. And you would say, good for you, buddy. Thanks for letting me know. We're still friends. We're still partners. You're still my pastor, whatever. I think like a solid five male friends, if they told me that they had started this new thing where they were coming in jars, I'd be like, good for you, man. I support it. And this is probably safer and cleaner than what you were doing before. So good luck.

I believe in jar harm reduction. Right. Got to give people a clean, safe place to come in jars yeah it's like drug use zones we don't want you to do heroin but if you're gonna do heroin do heroin here can i just say that they canceled the wire just in time because i've read some of david simon's plans and i just don't know if that you know I think and again I don't want to do too much jar come talk okay on the show don't you but I because I want people I don't want people to get tired of it before they hear your great album I want people to go into the great album with a hearty appetite for jars full of jizz. Yep. No, I think the

issue with, you know, requesting jar coming, it's all about how you ask. You know, it's just, is it are they saying, you know, fill it, fill it pansy.

Because I don't respond to that sort of talk. That sort of talk, you would be like, I'm sorry, that's not going to happen now. Yeah, respect me. But if they're like,

would you please? Jordan has a praise fetish. Praise fetish? I need a gold star. Oh, okay. He needs someone to tell him. Your hair looks nice, and then I would point to the jar that no you would

say you look so beautiful when you're coming in a jar oh okay i can i can yeah i can figure that out anyway that's that was just my my thought the other thing from your album that i would love to talk about you have a great observation on the album about how it seems like more and more people are turning away from marijuana and toward mushrooms yes every basically every single person in my life is into one or both of the following thingsrooms and or pottery. These are the two hobbies sweeping my social circle. Jordan, Kenise lives in New York. There's no room for kilns.

No. Yeah. My pottery friends do go to like some place in Vermont and throw that. Sounds right. Clay. I don't really know much about pottery. I'm going to admit this, that. Sounds right. Clay, I don't really know much about pottery. I'm going to admit this,

but I would love to see a graph that represents like Y-axis mushrooms, X-axis is pottery. I want to see how this changes over time. I'm very interested. There's a pottery place on the corner by my house and my relationship to it is completely driven by two things. Number one is a semi-annual pottery sale, which I'm going to be honest, it's pretty nice. I got my wife some mugs. The other thing is just resentment about parking spaces. They take up too many parking spaces on the block. And in the neighborhood in which I live, let me just say that you can identify the pottery vehicles readily. Let me just say that. Yeah, what are some of these vehicles?

These ladies stepping out of these Jettas. Maybe coexist sticker. Maybe coexist sticker on that Jetta. Still today? No, these are... These are 32-year-old ladies. 28 to 32 is your prime. I mean, there's a few older ladies, but primarily it's your 28 to 32s.

It's your grown-up but still fun, still think of themselves as getting out there and doing stuff. You got to get out there and doing stuff you gotta get out there do how many of them a have bangs b wear knitwear of some kind yeah so all all and all okay yep yep just based on my mental picture of these people yeah and i mean they represent like there is definitely a lot of white ladies but it is a relatively multi-ethnic group of Jetta drivers. Nice. Like, in the world of people who drive Jettas, it is a pretty broad group. It looks like America compared to most groups of people who drive Jettas.

Okay. But they do all have bangs. They are all ladies, and they do all wear either a knit or a crochet. Yes. I'm wearing a knit sweater right now. And I have multiple times looked down and seen my outfit and been like, oh, I'm accidentally dressed like Velma today. Or I'm accidentally dressed like Sadness from Inside Out. And that's happened to me repeatedly.

So I get it. I totally get it. Isn't Sarah, is Sarah Val sadness from Inside Out? Oh, I think it is. She's one of the Inside Outs. No, she's one of the Incredibles. I thought it was the sad lady from The Office. But isn't she an Inside Out too?

No, maybe she's not. Let's see, who's an Inside Out? Mindy Kaling is an Inside Out yes she's also velma that's fun yeah i guess she's not an inside out honestly it's hard to tell who's an inside out these days am i right god tell me about it oh boy you know what i was thinking of sarah val's in montana right the inside out of states honestly see it i it. I see it. That's fair. You go to Montana and you're like, this is well made, but would a kid get this? Is this just for parents? Yeah. For parents and their wistful feelings.

Right. Do kids want to see a movie about grief? I don't know. I don't know. I do not have kids. I'm working on it. Jordan, get a son. The Pixar, I'll get a son and then I will lay out the Pixar bounty before him and say, do you like these movies about grief? Do you want to stare into the face of death? Are you prepared to stare into the face of death? Kenise, have you ever potted before?

I did. I think we had to do some pottery in elementary school. My mom still has it because she keeps entirely too many things. But there's a little figure that I made. I had to make like a round base for it. So there was wheels, I guess. And then I made a little figure and it was me reading a book. And it looks terrible. I'm not good at any of that stuff. That's a good subject matter though.

I was like, I want my mom to remember me with the book. Yeah. Finally, someone has proven that this pottery maker is a dorkus. Yeah. I made pottery. I hadn't even thought about this in forever, but I made pottery at the Columbia Park Boys Club in San Francisco. Me and the various future Norteños there at the Boys Club were all doing pottery. you a piece of acrylic, like a hunk of transparent acrylic, and then you buffed it on a wheel. That was called plastics. So sometimes it would be pottery, sometimes it would be plastics, and sometimes you would make a birdhouse. Okay. I've never heard of a boys club in that, like I've heard of it in like a theoretical idea sense, but never as like a place where one physically goes. Can you tell me more about the boys club? I mean, if you're imagining coming in jars, I won't tell you no,

but it also has bumper pool. I mean, it's a what's bumper pool. When you live in the inner city, as I did, you need a safe and productive place to hang out after school. And for me, that was the Columbia Park Boys Club. Now the Columbia Park Boys and Girls Club. Okay. Thanks, woke culture. For including girls in your safety. Oh no, your son's going to be used to women and girls. That's gross.

He's going to see them as people by making birdhouses near them. It was like a big, active institution. I mean, there were like hundreds of kids there at any time. And there was a giant room with a lot of bumper pool and foosball. And regular pool, but mostly bumper pool and foosball is what I remember. You had to pay two quarters to get a foosball because kids kept stealing the foosballs. Right. So you had to give them two quarters. And when you return the foosball because kids kept stealing the foosballs. Right. So you had to give them two quarters.

And when you return the foosball, you got your quarters back and you could use them to buy candy. Nice. It was right across the street from Al's Comics, the comic book store. Okay. And so it was downstairs was the big game room. Upstairs, you had your art room, you had your homework room, and you had your project room. And the project room was where you made your plastics, you did your potteries, and you made your birdhouses.

And it was sort of rotating, you know, it was on a rotating basis there. Sounds nice. I was very bad at it. And I took a class in pottery,ordan at the barnstall art center do you know the barnstall art center yeah yeah great art center yeah it's a great art center where you can go and line up for four hours to sign up for ten dollar arts classes and that doesn't seem economical well if you get numerous classes for your time okay i mean that's why and look if you want to meet some velmas that's the place to go so if i'm looking for

velma never dated anybody that person i should go to a pottery class or this place you should go specifically to the barnstall art center they have all kinds of arts classes is this in california yeah this is in los angeles but i think it's worth the trip for you i'm planning on going in march i might as well yeah stop by the art park hit the barnstall art center but there i tried to throw pots have you ever thrown a pot jordan no on a wheel i have never i i think knowing myself as i do and i've taken a lot of time to get to know myself yeah i'm just a funny little puzzle right Right. I think it would not be something I would be good at, and I don't think I would like it. I love that my friends do it. I have some great things that my friends have made for me, and I love having them.

My sister, too. My sister is one of the people in my life who has gotten into pottery. But isn't her friend Allison Becker, isn't she really into pottery? Oh, I don't know if Allison becker is one of the pottery people i'm sure she's tried it because she is such an activity i think i think i talked to her about it at your birthday party once maybe i i love the people are getting into it and yeah and a little mug or ashtray or coin receptacle or vase that someone makes for you is wonderful. I love receiving them and I cherish them. They're some of my favorite things in my home. Even if you know that it's just that they make something every time they go in and they need places to put it. No, I'm special.

They made it for me, Jesse. No, Jesse, what you said was wrong. I'm good. I'm a wonderful friend. And they think of me every time they think of me. Okay. But yeah, that's how it is, I think. But yeah, I don't think it would be my thing. I'm happy to leave it to other people. And that is kind of how I feel about mushrooms, too. Yeah. It's kind of how I feel about mushrooms, too. Fair.

I wanted to ask you, because in your special, you say that you're kind of a recent pot person, and you feel like your friend group has moved on without telling you, right? Yes, 100%, because I now do edibles, and I cut them up, and I have a little bit. I'm super excited because my weekend plans are like I'm gonna have a party or whatever but I'm like super psyched to like take a quarter of an edible every hour and like clean my entire apartment I'm gonna Swiffer I'm gonna vacuum I'm gonna clean the tub I'm gonna clean the sink I'm so like I have things I'm gonna reorganize I have collages I like piles of things I've torn out that were going to be added to collages at some time.

Are you 100% that this is marijuana and not methamphetamine? Is that what meth does? Yeah, I think it I think speed gets you cranked up to organize things and do high energy, careful things. and do high energy, careful things. I think that's the David Sedaris speed story. It's all about him getting addicted to speed and cleaning the whole time. I mean, I think that is also what I do. I have done Molly a couple of times

and for some reason, my metabolism, it doesn't hit for like three hours. So I'll take it. I view all my friends being high and then later I get high. So it's just like when I get home, the Tame Impala concerts over. Yeah.

So I just like send out reply emails and like organize things. Um, but this is when it feels great. It does. This is calm. So I don't think it's math. And it's like, I put on like cheesy sixties music and I feel like, yay, I'm an adult.

I like it. It's my apartment. It's nobody else's. I'm cleaning up my mess. It's not five other roommates who I don't think they know how to aim when they use the toilet. It's my mess. Do you feel like you want to, you're curious to follow your friend group into the world

of psychedelics? I would love to because they make it seem so fun. And also now. Yeah, they really do. So I know a few rich people. I don't know very many and I'm looking to change that. So if you're rich and I sound cool, hit me up and we can hang out. But H-M-U.

Yeah. Hit me up and we can hang out. But H-M-U. Yeah. My restaurants do like ketamine therapy and it sounds amazing. But they're like, yeah, it's like $900 a session. I go twice a week and I'm like, I'll just be sad then. I can't afford that.

I'm ready for that. Sign me up. That's the context in which I want to do these drugs is with an expensive therapist present. I'm not ready to do it with a shaman. I don't want to do that. though both of those are probably good folks you know what i mean like i'm not the guy that i went to high school with that was into drugs like is like a chill good guy i'm not putting these guys down i'm just saying i want we all love trent jesse i don't want someone to be there with a clipboard that's what i want a friend of ours a mutual friend of ours, Jordan, I went to visit his family, stayed with his family for a few days. Just incredible. He's just the most wonderful children. His wife is just the greatest. And he's a, you know, he's a really special friend. Who's been a friend for decades. And the kids went to bed and he said,

I do have some mushrooms in the freezer. And I was like, I mean, for your information, can he's I'm the king of drugs. Are you? Yeah. Because I started using some marijuana about four years ago. Okay.

I think, I think you and Jesse are, are simpatico in that way. I think you're both kind of late in life, you know, responsible drug users. Yeah. And, are are simpatico in that way i think you're both kind of late in life you know responsible drug users yeah and you know i also know that when my wife ate mushrooms jesus told her she was doing a good job and so is she christian or is it just like the figure of jesus

no but i think i don't think she's i I don't think she practices, but she went to church as a child and went to Catholic school. I think Jesus is important. I think regardless of your faith or what you think happens after we die, any of us would love to hear from Jesus that we're doing a good job. Yeah. Sure. from Jesus that we're doing a good job.

Yeah. Sure. Penn Jillette himself, Ricky Gervais would love to hear from Jesus that he was doing a great job with his cutting barbs that spare no one. Ricky Gervais would be like, thanks Jesus. And then he'd like do a disabled person joke.

Too bad you're not real, mate. Too bad you're not real. But thank you for the compliment But thank you for the compliments Thank you for the compliments Remember when I invented the office? Well, it turns out that's just what I'm like Anyway Anyway Kenesha, I'm feeling some of the same social pressures that you are

To like, oh, are we not? We're not going out for drinks anymore. We're not smoking weed and watching a Blade movie where we're doing mushrooms at a music festival. Oh, Jordan, your friends now have what I would describe as the drug use patterns of former Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey. That's what we're talking about. That is my friend. At Jack, yes. Great dude. Like they have self-improvement drug habits.

Yeah. And I think that is kind of like part of it. I think that like, you know, the people I know are like not just doing it because it's like a fun way to experience a music festival but it is i think it is like therapeutic for a lot of people i think it is like it helps you have breakthroughs i think it clears gunk from the brain yeah i don't know i guess i'm i'm curious about that side of it too but i i'm just so so scared of like the bad version i'm scared of like the bad trip everybody describes i just like don't want that to happen yeah how long do mushrooms last i mean i've told the story on this show many times but in my father's case it was

about six months to a year okay yeah and that that was after the jury of huge men of every race decided he should live. You know? I've told this story on the show. I'm not going to tell it again. He was in a sump hole. He was in a sump hole. A jury of huge men of every race told him he should live.

That old yarn. That one. Yes, yes yarn that one yes yes yes yes eventually he got sober because he moved from hawaii to minnesota and he didn't know where to buy drugs and it was too cold to go looking for them thank you for allowing me to live men of every race but you're not real mate sorry if the hollywood elite doesn't like me saying that the tribunal of men aren't real sorry atheist over here have you heard jordan by the way that that the jury of huge men of every race is going to be hosting the golden globes this year and they're sparing no one yeah brad pitt you can live angel Angelina Jolie, bad news. You guys want to decide which celebrities can live or die and then come back for some more?

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love. We salute you. If you're not one of those people, we will ask you to become one of those people pretty soon. We're also supported this week by the good folks over there at Wild Grain. Jesse, a lot of fans don't know this about me, but I'm going to reveal it here. Okay. I am not a gourmet chef. Really? Yeah. I know a lot of people think that. I don't know if maybe people feel like I imply that with some things that I say, but I am not a gourmet chef. As you know, Jordan, and again, the audience,

I had initially pitched this show with Wolfgang Puck, the creator of Spago and California Pizza Kitchen. You guys did a pilot. Something was kind of off about the chemistry. Wolfgang's great. Your agent pitched you to me as a gourmet chef slash comedy podcaster. Yeah. That was a lie. Okay. Well. Sorry. The die is cast. What's done is done. We're going to have to rely on wild grain

to provide the gourmet cooking on this show. Yeah. I'm not a gourmet chef, but with the great products provided by Wildgrain, I sometimes feel like I am, if that brings us any closer to the original vision for the show. Well, yeah, it does. Here's what's nice to me about Wildgrain, is sometimes you have some pieces of your meal together. Maybe you're even doing like one thing that's special and you want a finishing blow, so to speak, and you don't have it. It's not at hand because like, oh no, I forgot to do a side dish or I forgot to, you know, what are we going to have with this stew? And you just end up dumping a bunch of pencils in there. Yeah. But if you got wild grain, you don't need those Faber Castells. Is that a pencil brand? I think it is. Probably. Popular pencil brand. But seriously, if you have stew in the slow cooker, you get close to dinner time, and you whip out one of those frozen loaves

of wild grain, what you get is a really special meal because the wild grain bread is really good. It's great. It's special. It's really tasty, super easy to bake, 25 minutes or less. They got sourdough breads. They got these beautiful pastas, artisanal pastries. And again, every item bakes from frozen, 25 minutes or less. The bread is so tasty. You whip it out. You have a little with dinner. Next day, you're having some toast. You're having an egg sammy on this beautiful bread. And yeah, the pasta's killer too. I love the pasta. For a limited time, you can get $30 off your first box plus free croissants in every box when you go to wildgrain.com slash JJGO to start your subscription.

That's right. Free croissants, every box plus $30 off your first box when you go to wildgrain.com slash JJGO. That's wildgrain.com slash jj go or use the promo code jj go at checkout and uh hey this is cool for every new member wild grain donates six meals to the greater boston food bank so you can eat good and do good all at the same time jordan your comic must be right around the corner yes march 22nd pops chocolate's Chocolate Shop of Horrors, the Archie Comics Spooktacular. It's hitting comic book shelves on March 22nd. It's got a story by me and a bunch of other cool writers and artists. $3.99 at your local comic book store. You can grab one the day it releases, but... $3.99? Are you out of your mind?

I am. They asked me to price this thing, which is kind of an unusual thing to ask of a writer. Usually- A bold gambit. Yeah. Usually you just provide creative. But they asked me and I gave a crazy answer, which is $3.99 for this beautiful, spooky, hilarious Archie Comics romp. March 22nd, grab it at your local comic book store,

or better yet, call them up and pre-order a copy. Make sure you get yours. And yeah, that really helps comics. It's really, really awesome when people pre-order. It helps the shop know that people are interested. Maybe if it's a comics imprint that they don't usually carry, it lets them know they need to grab some. So yeah, definitely call your local comics book shop and tell them Pop's Chocolate Shop of Horrors, and there'll be a nice little code you can give them in the episode description for this show. This thing's got to sell. You're never going to get Archie off your ass, Jordan. Man, Archie's bad at two things, choosing between Betty and Veronica and getting off my ass like i can't do either

look we're gonna pre-order the comic get off jordan's ass archibald yeah and you know just choose between betty or veronica they're both great they both have great qualities and you know what archie's short for jordan archibald bullshit okay i don't know if that's canon or not. I'm going to have to check with my editor. I think that's in the canon. I couldn't tell you a hundred percent, but I think that's right. But yeah, Pop's Chocolate Shop of Horrors. I'm going to check the wiki. Get Archie off my back and pre-order today. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Wow. Collector of Jars, by the way, just an extraordinary Jane Campion movie. So meditative. Oh, just gorgeous. I think absolutely robbed of Best Picture in 1997.

The vistas, the sweeping vistas of that film. Extraordinary. And Adrian Brody was amazing in it. Yeah. Sounds about right. Early Adrian Brody was amazing in it. Yeah. Sounds about right. Right. Early Adrian Brody. Yeah. Yes.

Getting those jars. The jars were good too. I mean, I'm not here to put down the jars. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN or just send us a voice memo, jjgoe at maximumfun.org. One person has had a momentous occasion occur and they have called in this message. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse.

Hey, guests. This is Brian from Pittsburgh calling in with a momentous occasion. I was just out for a bike ride when I saw a letter carrier trying to surreptitiously pee on the wheel of his truck. Well, joke's on him because I pulled over and I'm calling you about it. Thanks.

Bye. Busted. You busted, USPS. Why trying to? Was he not pissing, but it was clear that he was attempting to piss? Kenice, let's say that you were a postal worker. Yes. And you were in your full regalia,

representing the United States government in one of its greatest institutions. Yes. You're enjoying the dignity of this beautiful work, thinking about the great pension you're going to have when you retire. That's a fantasy. I love it. Yeah. Now imagine that you really have to pee, but you're right there in public, right by Brian. Is the pee going to come expeditiously or are you going to have a little bit of trouble with the pee? or are you going to have a little bit of trouble with the P?

If there's a guy standing there looking at me and talking into a phone, I would probably be- Yeah, Brian is. I'd probably a little concerned. Also, he's from Pittsburgh and it's so cold there. Right. Oh, yeah. Great point. The P probably was freezing in this postal worker's pee organ. Yes. That's an organ powered by pee. It was just coming out in little shots of yellow ice.

Right. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Shards. Yep. Yellow ice daggers. Like a sorcerer casting pee spike. Right. To defeat a bugbear. Oh, oh no i'm weak to pea spike

but i am strong against poo flail that sounds messy yeah i shouldn't have said that my favorite pokemon is postal board you know i do it's pea spike attack okay if you're a postal worker i don't know how what i mean an average postal worker shift do you think it's nine to five is it i think they got to finish out their deliveries but i think typically it's going to be regular hours gosh i pee so often i just pee and pnp and i think i feel like now every time i start a job in any kind of office i just have to warn them like i i i pee a lot i'm just gonna get up and pee it's gonna happen i have talked to doctors about it they say it's fine i've run a battery of tests i guess i just pee a lot can he's just for your

information obviously the audience already knows this jordan Morris is a stage name. His given name is Ignatius Patrick Freely. Right. Call down at Moe's Tavern and ask for me. You'll get a delightful surprise. Nice. And yeah, thinking about a job where I would have to be in that mail carrier truck without getting a break. I mean, I don't know. I don't know if I could do it. Do you think that they can just go to any post office and say, I need to use the bathroom? I think they don't even need to use the bathroom.

They can just go to any post office. Uh-huh. They're allowed inside. no but i mean they urinate i'm just saying some post offices probably don't have bathrooms but when you gotta go you gotta go why was he peeing onto the tire though like for traction traction to melt the snowy pittsburgh streets i don't know that's a felony that's a government vehicle okay if this't know. That's a felony. That's a government vehicle, okay? If this guy's listening, that's a felony. You remember the power-up in RC Pro-Am 2, urine tire, right? Yes.

Great. Yes. Yeah. Urine tire is OP. Devs, please nerf. Nerf urine attire. Tires should end with knobby. Thank you.

I worked in the elections department in San Francisco in one of, on election days, I was just in a van for, like I would get in the van at five and then I would be done with the day around 11, something like that. Oh, four. We'd get in the van at four and we'd be done around 11. And polling places don't have potty. I mean, they have potties, but you're not going to ask that nice old woman if you can go inside her house and pee there. And life finds a way, Jordan. Life finds a way. Beautiful. As the raptors once said.

Right. In the movie Jurassic Park 2. It's such a beautiful culture. Yeah. Well, they're social creatures. Right. Yes. They pee on each other's tires for traction. Right. That's how they show

affection. That seems like a specialty thing. Wait, sorry. Did I say Raptors? I think I meant Montana. Right. I think you did mean Montana. I don't know. What's happening anymore. Let's do an old internet thing. Yeah, let's do. Canese, for your information, we have been asking our

listeners to email us at jordanjessegoeataol.com, which is a real email address that you can still get. And we are having them email us shameful scenarios from their early days on the internet and this is all anonymous so they can be as real and raw as they want wow kenise do you remember your like early internet activities when were you on it what were you you were doing that kind of thing absolutely okay so i got on it had to be when i was in fourth grade and we got those aol cds because they'd be like 100 free hours or something like that yep and i immediately tried to make a screen name that was like my twin sister screen name but i didn't remember it so i just put a string of numbers at the end and so it wasn't like hers at all and then i was in chat rooms talking to adults, which I shouldn't have been doing.

Were you talking about horny stuff or just reading? Because I know you were really into reading at the time. Yes. At first it was normal, just regular run of the mill stuff. I'd say sexual stuff is normal. But at first it was just like run of the mill stuff. I think only nasty freaks are into that shit and then i would talk to adults and see if they could guess that i was honestly a preteen and it would always be a certain moment where it would turn from like

them being like oh yeah horny time to is this a child you'd bring up playmobil i do something that's like not a possible physical act or i'd like describe something and be like that's not hot that's not hot nope nope nope nope nope are you i think you're a child oh yeah i want to throw your wiener what does that mean throw it and then having to like kind of like think of, oh, wait, is there a way I can make this seem normal? Okay, no. I'm locking off. Bye. My mom needs to use the phone.

Yeah. Well, hey, one of our listeners emailed us, JordanJesseGo at AOL.com, and here is their confession. In 2000, I had just moved from the Bay Area to New York for college as a transfer student. I had an online journal I wrote, which was a fairly big online subculture at the time. I went to a Neil Gaiman reading one evening alone because I had just moved there from across the country and I didn't know anyone. Jordan, hold on. I'm starting to think this person's a nerd. Our show's only for jocks.

Yeah. Daniel, is this the right email because and also uh i think a lot of people go to neil gaiman readings alone tom brady yeah gronk venus williams anyway i went to a neil gaiman reading one evening alone because i just moved there from across the country and i didn't know anyone and ended up sitting in a row behind a woman I recognized as Kami, a K-A-M-I, Kami, from my feminist theory class. We sort of nodded a greeting but didn't otherwise interact. A couple weeks later, someone at our college put up a page with links to online journals written by students there. Kami had one too. I went and looked and found in her most recent entry,

she'd written about the reading and how she had run into that annoying boy from her feminist theory class. She went on to note that she should probably feel sorry for me because she didn't think I had any friends, but I was just so annoying. Wow. Fucking roasted by Kami.

Holy moly. I don't know if i could ever recover oh my gosh holy cow who knew rodney dangerfield was into theory commie you were at the fucking neil gammon thing too don't be so high and mighty can i say something about this feminist theory student yeah let's see some praxis thank you sick of theory i want to see some praxis yes be the social order you want to see in the world and it doesn't have to do with roasting this anonymous emailer geez louise if you have an embarrassing confession from your early days on the internet jordangessiego at aol.com yeah do you guys want to

recover from those fucking sick ass burns and come back for a little bit more jordan you're so beautiful when you're recovering from sick ass burns oh thank you jesse we'll be back in just a second on jordangessiego burns oh thank you jesse we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go okay zebras orangutans oh yes sorry hi i'm not used to the animals talking who are you yes my

name is carrie poppy i co-host a podcast called on a ross and carrie this is my co-host ross right here okay we investigate spirituality claims of the paranormal. And we were wondering if we could get on the Ark. You did come two by two. I appreciate that. Though most of the things I'm letting on the Ark don't talk. I'm going to be talking all up on this boat. Do you mind both?

I prefer Ark or Barge. Okay, I'm not listening. But if you let me on, then I will make my really good podcast on your boat. Can you at least help clean up all the poop? I guess I don't see why not. Well, I'll check out the podcast. Where do I find it? It's on MaximumFun.org. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Oh my gosh, hi. I'm Dave Holmes, host of the pop culture trivia podcast Troubled Waters. On Troubled Waters, we play games like motivational speeches. It goes a little like this. Riley, give us an improvised motivational speech on why people should listen and subscribe to Troubled Waters. I look around this ad and I see a lot of potential to listen to comedians such as Jackie Johnson and Josh Gondelman. to listen to comedians such as Jackie Johnson and Josh Gondelman, and they need you to get out there and listen to them attempt to figure out sound Reba's clues

or determine if something is a Game of Thrones character or a city in Wales. I have chills. I'm going to give you 15 points. All that and so much more on Troubled Waters. Find it on MaximumFun.org or wherever you choose to listen to podcasts. Hey guys, Jordan here. Just wanted to break in before this next segment or wherever you choose to listen to podcasts. stand up there are lots of opportunities if you're in new york city she'll be at the stand

on the 12th and the 19th uh you can find those and all her dates at kenice mobley.com k-e-n-i-c-e m-o-b-l-e-y.com okay back to the show it's jordan jesse go i'm'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kenise Mobley, collector of jars. Now, I'm going to give a quick recap of the segment between the segments that we just recorded. And by recorded, I mean didn't record.

Right. The segment between the taint of the show. Yeah. First of all, Kenise investigated everyone's cups and mugs. Yes. Our producer, Daniel Zafran, revealed that he's using a mug from the Exploratorium, the legendary interactive science museum in San Francisco. I mentioned that my childhood babysitter who lived down the block from me, Darius de Belgedere, worked at the Exploratorium when he was in high school babysitting me and that he saw Kubiak from Parker Lewis Can't Lose. Now Jordan explained to Kinise who Kubiak was. I did not know.

And his own confusion as to whether Parker Lewis Can't Lose was a, what's that movie called? That legendary movie. Oh, Ferris. I was confused because i thought i thought yeah i thought it was a show of ferris bueller which it obviously was indebted to ferris bueller but aren't we all yeah and then we discussed at the exploratorium the tactile dome which is a place that you crawl into and is a wonderland of textures it It's completely dark inside, but there's a wonderland of textures to touch. It's sort of like the science museum immersive experience version of closing your eyes and plunging them into a bowl full of peeled grapes on Halloween. And then Kniece said, well, when I worked at Chuck E. Cheese for a year and a half.

Yes. So that's when we hit the stop button and said. Let's roll tape on this. Yeah. So Kniece, what was the context for this? How old of a Kniece are we talking about? I had to be 17 i had worked before this at a jack-in-the-box but then i got into a car accident i had to be out for two weeks and i called to see when i was

on the shit like the schedule again and they were like we've changed management nobody nobody knows who you are anymore so i had to find a new job and so they lost you yeah they lost and i was like oh so i was i fired and like no just no one who was there before is here now it's just different now i was like oh okay you just don't work here anymore there's nothing we can do for you when elon musk bought twitter like he's just like i'm bringing in in my people from Tesla and my whole digging company now to run this Chuck E. Cheese. It's changed. Yeah, that was at Jack in the Box. And then so I was like, okay, I want to work near my house.

And I lived really close to a Chuck E. Cheese. And I heard they were hiring. And even though I made, I think, like 12 cents less an hour, I was like, I'm willing to do this. The job's pretty easy. And so after school and on weekends, I would just work at this Chuck E. Cheese. But why I brought this up is because the ball pit is disgusting and any tube structure that children crawl through is inherently disgusting because children seep liquids and they get on all of the textures. They're juicy. They're some of the juiciest humans.

They're big seepers. Big seepers. All sorts of snot, earwax. You're like, why are you leaking out of that orifice? But you said there were different textures and I'm like, how can they clean the different textures? So like with your bare hand you touch these things that are in it i'm sorry it sounds it sounds interesting of course but it also makes me worry about like the germ accumulation yeah i gotta say pressure washer right okay i mean

i think there's a reddit for this pressure washers cleaning different textures in the Exploratorium tactile dome. Just Google pressure washer blast seeping child. Great video. I go to sleep to it every night. You may get a call from the FBI. If you do end up searching that, do not call us with your one phone call. Call an attorney. Take that opportunity to call an attorney. You will need one. Did you ever wear a costume? Yes, I did. Wow. I'm too short. So I was not supposed to be on costume duty. But if you worked at Chuck E. Cheese in Charlotte, North Carolina, I think it was also mandated by law that you would go outside behind the building and smoke either cigarettes or weed.

And one day everyone was out smoking and they're like, we need somebody to be Chuck E. right now. You, you got to do it. And so I go and I put on the costume and it's built for someone who's six feet tall. I'm five feet tall. So just imagine like Chucky, the rat Chucky, and just like, but real shrivelly looking skin, just like, just wrinkly and shorter.

It's a pizza restaurant, but it's got costume characters. This is Chucky the rat. You're not allowed to talk if you're in the costume. So you just have to wave and thumbs up to the kids. But I am significantly shorter than I think most of the people who play him.

So the kids were rushing at me. And I was about to fall over. And it just felt very unsafe and unstable. Kids are going to love this fucking rat. Six feet minimum. Minimum six feet in height. Chucky the rat. Chucky, I call him.

Did it just look like Chucky had a lot of loose skin? Yes. Maybe he had had gastric bypass surgery. Yes. One of the parents commented, they're like, Chucky looks a little bit shorter than he did an hour ago. And it's like, what the hell am I supposed to do about that? Shut the fuck up, Dan.

It's the same rat, okay? My middle name's Entertainment. This isn't a feminist period class. You didn't come here to get fucking roasted. Neil Gaiman's not here reading out of Anansi, boys. Jordan, I'm just laughing out of politeness. I'm a jock. I only know about football plays. Right, so you don't know what I was talking about. No, I don't know

what you're talking about. Who's Neil Gaiman? A football quarterback? Wait, but wouldn't you know if he was? In your premise that you're a jock? What does this guy do? Slam dunks? That's all I know about is Dominique Wilkins.

All right. Your premise is falling apart, Jesse. You're just a dumb guy in this scenario. Who doesn't know? Sorry, I got to go pound weights. Pound them? Pound weights. Like eat weights?

I got to grease up and pound some weights. I got to snarf some barbells. Got to get huge. Jordanordan you shut the fuck up who's douglas adams which one of us is swollen i gotta snort a squat thrust i know all about jim's that's how i got so swollen right i eat powders and get swollen Alright, checks out Cadice Yes You have a new stand-up comedy album

It's really funny I was listening to it today I was laughing my butt off It's called Follow Up Question You can listen to it on any streaming thing that you might have You can purchase it, which is probably a good idea Yeah, my record label Blonde Medicine They're great, but they would probably want you to purchase it.

But also streaming is good. Listen to it. I would say definitely buy it because it's going to be tough to stream if you work for the postal service and Brian's around. Right. Can't stream with that guy, always.

Big brother watching you. I'm trying to stream, but... Yeah, it's really hilarious. I think our audience will love it, especially because we know they have a high tolerance for come in jar material. If you've made it to this plug. Right. Just roll right into the album. Yeah, it's really hilarious.

And yeah, if you're out there doing stand-up comedy in our listeners' towns, they should go see you. That'd be great. Thank you. You headed out anywhere coming up soon, Kanice? I'm going to SF Sketch Fest, where you guys will also be. Now we're talking. You ever been out there to the Sketch Fest? Is this your first time? It's my second time doing Sketch Fest. The first time was when I awkwardly talked to that guy from The Good Place and Brooklyn Nine-Nine, whose name I don't remember. Oh, love that guy.

Would love to talk awkwardly. I bet it was Mark Evan Jackson. That's maybe who I think it was. It was. Yes, that's his name. Yes, that's it. So one of the sweetest men in the world. I bet he was so sweet to you while you were talking awkwardly to him.

He was very, very nice. Very cool looking. He looks very cool. Yeah. He seems like a cool guy. Very collected. Guy's got his act together. Yeah. Yeah. He seems like a cool guy. Very collected. Guy's got his act together. Yeah.

Handsome guy. One time the cast of the, were you there that time I was at? It was when we were talking about Bubble at Comic-Con and we walked through a hotel lobby and the cast of The Good Place walked through and you're just like, look at these beautiful fucking people. Jesus Christ. More like The Great Place. Jesus Christ. More like the great place. Jesus Christ.

Y'all look so great. When you see the elegance of dancing in person, you just can't believe it's real. I mean, talk about Mark Evan Jackson. Let's talk dancing for a second. This guy moves like a silver ribbon just flowing through a hotel lobby, the Hard Rock Hotel down there in old town San Diego or the gas,

the gas lighting district. It's not what it's called. The district of gas lighting. I like it. It's not what it's called. You're wrong. You're crazy. Shut the fuck up,

Jordan. I gotta grease up and eat powders. I'm going to the fucking mall to eat powders, Gordon. What do you even know about? The mall is his character. The food court powder restaurant. What do you think a jock is? What do you even know about shopping at Lids?

Lids? The hat store? That's what I was talking about. Who's this guy? Jock's like us. I'm going to ride a stationary bicycle tonight. With your girlfriend.

Okay, okay, alright. You pay to watch me ride a stationary bike with your girlfriend. Jock has a lot going on. He's a a complicated man i got a lacrosse stick oh yeah it's got a net did you play lacrosse one of those net sticks from lacrosse well i teach physical therapy oh that's nice oh Yeah. That's good. I'm glad this guy has layers.

I like to help wounded warriors. Well, we thank you. Jock character. Jock's also my name, J-O-C. Oh, okay. Yeah. Was it short for anything? Jocktoberfest.

Jocktoberfest. Jocktoberfest. Jocktoberfest. That's your first name? Jocktoberfest. Your first name is Jocktoberfest. Yeah, it is. My last name is Toyotathon. Okay, just to recap,

your name is Jocktoberfest Toyotathon. You eat powders at the mall. Yeah, I shop at Lids. You eat powders at the mall while you're shopping at Lids. You do physical therapy. I hold hands with Gronk. You hold hands with Gronk. You teach physical therapy at a community college to wounded warriors.

No, no, I teach it at the community college. I volunteer helping wounded warriors at the VA hospital. And you think Neil Gaiman is a basketball player. Yeah. And I love Dominique Wilkins because of his slam dunks. And I grease up and I ride a stationary bicycle with your girlfriend in front of you and you pay me to do it. Okay.

If you're listening out there, I hope you're updating the wiki for this character as we're doing this because this is all canon yeah if this character comes back he has to have all these same details or people are gonna flip their shit so please if you're out there update our wiki i wear spike shoes everywhere okay don't add more details it's just no shit we're gonna have to remember bike shoes everywhere even in the mall food court the golf cleats no spike shoes spike shoes like uh the kind you file because you're like your tie cob sharp you sharpen them like tie cob all right you're going to the mall food court when i'm at the mall food court jordan i only eat sbarro everything else is for nerds

like you stop teasing me jocktoberfest enjoy your mandarin chicken you fucking nerd jocktoberfest toyotathon I'll be eating Sbarro over here I bring Sbarro into lids I don't give a shit

fucking people do what I say Jordan Jesse Go this is the podcast daniel zafran he's our producer producer emeritus brian setting d fernandez our theme song is love you by the free design light and the attic records maximumfund.org is the website dr octoberfest you have anything to say to our audience before we sign off? I love eggs. He loves eggs. Update the wiki, people. My stick has a net. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.

By the way, that's Mr. Toyota on to you, you fucking nerd. Okay. All right, man. I'm not not here to hassle you. Where's my 20 bucks 20 oh god bye everyone i'll hug you and kiss you and love you love you love you love you