Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Sigourney's Cannolis

Episode Date: March 19, 2026

On today’s episode, we welcome comedian Kenice Mobley back to the show to chat with us about her favorite bevs, cuck chairs, ancient hogs, and much more. * Follow Kenice on Instagram. Follow the Hot Guy Draft on Instagram.  *Grab tix to the Hot Guy Draft which kicks off this spring with their special Daddy Edition, Sunday, March 22 at 7:00pm at Littlefield.  *if you want to vote on the daddies, check out the poll here.  *Check out Jordan and Jesse on Reading Smut Podcast. *Check out what's new on Bullseye with Jesse Thorn.  Check out more Amazing Spiderman content from Jordan. *Pre-order Jordan’s new Web of Venom comic. *Check out Jordan’s comic Predator: Bloodshed. * Come hang out with Jordan at Comic Bug in Culver City, CA on March 25.  * Order Jordan’s new Predator comic: Black, White & Blood! * Order Jordan’s new Venom comic! * Donate to Al Otro Lado. * Purchase signed copies of *Youth Group* and *Bubble* from Mission: Comics And Art!   ~ NEW JJGo MERCH ~ Get  Bronto Dino-Merch! Get our ‘Ack Tuah’ shirt in the Max Fun store. Grab an ‘Ack Tuah’ mug! The Maximum Fun Bookshop! Follow the podcast on Instagram and send us your dank memes! Check out Jesse’s thrifted clothing store, Put This On. Follow producer, Jordan Kauwling, on Instagram.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris Boy, detective. Jordan, I'm a crystal guy now. I'm into crystals.

Oh, okay. I want to hear about the crystals, but I've been saving this for air. Is that a freshly shorn paint, I see? Your head is so shiny today. You know, once every 10 days or so, it starts to get shaggy if I don't do it regularly. Am I using paint correctly? Am I using paint? Yeah, this will be my pate right here, I think.

Right up front. Amazing shorn correctly? Yeah, I believe you're using shorn correctly. Awesome. I usually will have a sheep farmer do it with those big scissors that go, whizzer. Yeah, that's fun. It's the number one shearing technique, as far as I'm concerned. Mm-hmm.

It's looking good. Thank you. Now let's hear about these crystals. I mean, not like quartz crystals. It's just that I wrote on JetBlue the other day. Ooh, okay. Not to brag, but I did pay the extra $40 to guarantee a seat. And they're giving up the famous blue crystal meth from Breaking Bad, right?

Yeah, that's the crystal you're into? Yeah, and we discussed a little bit with Sierra Caddo that I had ridden on JetBlue. JetBlue, again, probably remains the best airline to fly and coach on, but they keep making it worse and worse like every other airline. And so you have to pay $40 to get a chair. Yeah. Airline extra, though. I think airline extra. I think it's sure to say airline extra.

Of the, yes, of the gradual and shittification of everything, airlines going quicker than, you know, Burger King. But I was on JetBlue, and as we discussed with Sierra, like, the snacks less good than they used to be, everything less good than it used to be. However, I can rely still on the fact that I can order a ginger ale from the flight attendant. Classic plain drink. And then I can ask him or her for a little lime packet and put the little lime packet into my ginger ale to give it some kick. and I will also do that for a plain seltzer, and I'll often get two lime packets for my plain seltzer so that I can put in the lime in the first time that I dispense the drink,

and then once I've finished my first set, I can put in another set of lime, and then pour the second half of the seltzer into the same cup. So anyway, we just, by the way. Thank you. We discussed this with Sierra, and I want to give some credit on the subreddit at R-Slas Maximum Fun, a user named Blue Tourmaline,

which presumably is the crystal that they give you on JetBlue. Right. Blue Tourmaline checked in to say that they also flew on JetBlue and got obsessed with those little lime crystals that they give you. Because it's a little packet. It's the essence of lime. They've like turned lime, actual lime into a powder. They've powdered it.

It's not lime flavored. It's just lime. but they've, I don't know, freeze dried it and put it in a blender or something? Sure, yeah. I think this may be, they would call this alchemy in the Middle Ages. I think that's right.

Burn, whoever invented it at the steak. They start with one lime and one bar of lead, which seems like a bad thing to put in a food product. But anyway, blue tourmaline said, I also got obsessed with those crystals, and I figured out where to get them on the internet. Okay. Wholesale lime crystals? And so I went to a website, a commerce website.

Yes, the one owned by a bad person. And I ordered... You got to narrow that down a little bit. I ordered a set of like six boxes of every flavor of citrus crystal. There's more than just lime? There's lime. There's lime. There's lemon. There's lemon. grapefruit, there's orange, and then there's like drink mix ones.

I didn't order any of the drink mix ones because they had artificial sweeteners in them. But I think the one that I got had had lemon, lime, grapefruit, and orange. I had orange, which I had never had before, tonight. It was real nice. Okay. And you're putting these in celtres and ginger ale still?

Or you just snorting lines of them off stripper's tits? I can see drinking them in the way that like a particularly brave 10-year-old would just eat Kool-Aid. Right. However, in this instance, I was putting them in Seltzer. It's just that upon ordering them, I realized it was ridiculous for me to have six boxes of little packets of...

I mean, I think that's why I had never done it. It's fucking ridiculous. How many total packets do you have? I think I have roughly 200 packets. Okay. I'm going to say 200 packets. Let's call it 200 packets, right? That's not any crazier than the amount of sweet and low

My mom has in her kitchen, right? No, I don't think so. I didn't say it was. I think it's good that you have the packets. Why are you yelling at me? I like that you have the packets. You deserve the packets. What's your problem with my packets?

I think it's good. I love that you have packets. You work hard. You deserve to have packets of whatever you want. So then... I do think you should take my suggestion and snort them off of Stripper's tits. I had replied to Blue Tor.

Can I please snort them off my wrist. wife's tits. Oh my God. Yes. I forgot that you're a wife guy. I'm a total wife guy. Okay. Yes. Okay. You may. So I had replied to blue tourmaline on Reddit. Well, I've actually thought about going on a popular e-commerce website and just buying boxes of them. Yeah. What are they called again? Do you want to, what's the brand? It's called true citrus. Okay. You're talking about true lime, true lemon, true grapefruit and true orange. Right. And by the time I had failed. finished replying to that message.

I had decided in my head, fuck it, I'm going to do it. And gone to the e-commerce website and purchased it. That's when I learned that blue tourmaline buys them directly from true citrus. Okay. Gets 40% off. And purchased a true citrus dispenser

and a true citrus travel box. Oh, my God. So are you, are you, what are you going to do? Are you going to just try and get through the 200 that you had? Are you going to like just double down to get the wholesale ones? I don't know if it's because it's associated with flight to me. Right. But it feels like the feeling I have when I'm traveling with our friend John Hodgman

and our tour engineer Matthew Barnhart, both of whom have a shit ton of points. I never focused my points. I've never traveled enough nor focused my points enough for me. my points to be good for anything, right? And I know you had a period where you had a lot of points when you were flying for, uh, for television, Jordan. Uh, you know, I never, uh, when I flew for television, I was never, I was never, I also never to accumulate points because of the, uh, fuel TV policy of just booking us on the cheapest flight they could find and not a consistent airline. So, uh, but no, actually the, uh, the only points acquiring I've ever done in my life has been these

Hilton points, which I love dearly and sleep on like a dragon. Well, I mean, obviously Bonvoy to you, Jordan. Yes. And that's Marriott. That's the Marriott, but also Bonvoy. Yeah. I just feel like... What's your dumb slogan?

Hilton? Let's get a... If I had enough... I somehow feel now like if I had enough true citrus points, I could have get the dispenser for free. I don't know what the dispenser costs. I don't know where you get it. I don't know how you get it, but it feels like something that I should have to

clip UPCs for and mail them in to get the dispenser. And then, but once I have the dispenser, I'm probably going to want the fucking travel box so that I can travel with these things and I don't have to fly JetBlue anymore. Man, I mean, it sounds like you found a new brand. I'm very happy for you. I am on the True Citrus website right now.

They have unusually hot stock photo models enjoying True Citrus. Are you talking about like my wife level hot? Oh yeah. These ladies are wife material, Jesse. All right. Well, yeah, congratulations. I'm so glad you found a brand you love.

It looks like there's a blueberry one here. Is that interest to you? Are you just citrus? Are you only... True lemon curbs strawberry fusion. I'm worried that these ones are just going to be a bunch of freaking stevia. I don't want to drink stevia.

You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm with you. Anything that has any kind of artificial sweetener grosses me out pretty quick. So, yeah, I would be worried about that as well. Look, if you're out there and you love stevia, good for you. I'm not trying to shit on your party. I'm just saying I don't want to drink a bunch of stevia.

I don't even know what a stevia is. Sure. What about true lemon defend berry blend? Jordan Cowling, go on this website and find out how much this dispenser costs, because I'm thinking about it hard. Let's introduce our guests. We'll check back in as far as dispenser prices. We can find out what she puts in her beverages.

She's... She can find a phone number for these stock photo models. Okay, let's bring our guest into the program, Jordan, because I want to know what powders she's putting in beverages. She's a stand-up comic from the great city of New York City. Keneesh Mobley. Welcome back to the program, Keneas.

Thank you so much for having me. I've been listening with bated breath to understand how many seltzers are you drinking a day? Okay, I'm drinking roughly five seltzers a day. five to seven shelters a day at this point my body rejects

flat beverages does that affect your teeth like I heard that like carbonation makes like something with the acid or something Oh really? Yeah I think it might

I think it might affect the enamel I have really good enamel my enamel is gorgeous Is it five shelters a day good? I don't know I'm not a dentist A lot of people tell me I have some of the best enamel

in the game Okay Are you like I've heard that people who have really good enamel, part Neanderthal. That would explain my giant dick. Congrats. And your love of storytelling. You know, the Neanderthal scribbled on walls.

Isn't that what we're doing here? Isn't that what we're doing, Keneas? Wouldn't you say that at the end of the day, we're storytellers? Just like early man. It's just like something that's in us. That and running away from tigers. Yeah, I do that. frequently.

Scrawling pictures of the hunt on the cave walls with our giant sticks. That's how they dipped the ink to put on the walls. Yeah, yeah. They would crush berries with a mortar and pestle and then dip the dicks and then draw pictures of the great hunt. Yeah, they hadn't invented fucking paintbrushes, Keneas. Get real. So you were just, okay, so in this scenario. Yeah, let's recap.

Yeah, yeah, let's recap what we know. And Canderthals are dipping their probably uncircumcised penises into lots of berries and paint. And then... Kinnees. They did have like purple dicks? They did have, they did not have paint brushes. They may have had an ads. And I would say, ultimately, if they had an ads, they could probably...

They could probably cut off their foreskin. If they wanted to, if they wanted or needed to, with an ads, they... What's an ad? We don't know what an ads is, Jesse. You've got to explain an ads to us. I'm going to send you a picture of an ads. I'm putting pictures of ads into the search.

An ads is an ancient tool with a blade that's perpendicular to its handle. It's sort of like if an axe, if the blade was rotated 90 degrees. Okay. So you think you could use that to circumcise occasionally? Yeah, I mean, I guess it would depend on, you know, religious and cultural stuff that I don't know a ton about with regard to Neanderthals. You'd have to pull that foreskin, like, real far, right? But they could pull things. Number one, they could pull things. And number two, don't underestimate how giant their dicks were.

I mean, I don't know a ton about early man or about the Neanderthal, but I know that they have. I mean, hogs like you wouldn't believe. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's in the archaeological record, I think. Yeah. Just from a, like, hey, they've got to run from, like, the predatory animals. It seems like you'd get tripped up on such a wild hog. I'm glad you mentioned that.

Sometimes early man would be chased by a tiger and they would chase them into a swamp. Now, the footprints and Dick Trail would fill up with sediment, and the sediment turns into a fossil record that archaeologists can look at, and paleontologists as well, dinosaur scientist, Jordan, I don't need to explain that to you. Oh, you're a dinosaur enthusiast. No. They can look at the footprints, which were large, and the trail, which came from the giant Dick. And they can say, oh, this was early man. His storytelling interrupted by a tiger, chased into a swamp where he was dragged to the bottom by the weight of his hog.

And if you count the rings, you can tell how old the caveman. That's so essential. That's so essential. Yes, it really is. Okay, this is like a dumb question. and it's largely because I do not own a hog. Okay. Ginez, I can help you with this. I'll listen to you in a moment, but first I'll interrupt you to say,

yes, you are correct. In a lot of times in the movies, cavemen are depicted as wearing real little skirt-type things. They actually had giant skirt-type things, because otherwise it wouldn't have covered up their, you know, hog. But go ahead. Yeah, my question was completely unrelated to that. This is, I'm going to sound real dull. and I accept that, do hogs float, like a little bit?

Oh, okay. Yeah. There's lots of like muscle fibers, but also like little vainy stuff. And like there's like a hole right down the sitter. So it's like, does this thing float or what? So obviously for a Neanderthal, you're going to, you're going to have to deal with a different density. And early man as well, the density is different. So this isn't going to apply directly to the historical examples or the fossil record that the pale

And archaeologists study. But Jordan, would you say that your hog floats? Just a contemporary hog. I sure. Yeah, just using my hog as an example. Well, I think when I am, you know, I think sometimes in the water, the hog will get closer to the water. The hog will, will to some extent, withdraw.

Withdraw. Invert. But I think if you get in warm water, if you get in warm water. It's in warm water with a half chub. It'll float around a little bit. Okay. I mean, it kind of, think about like a jellyfish. And it's, you know, it's...

Magical? It's not... Captivating? It's not headed... It's not... Kind of hypnotic, yeah, yeah. It's not headed skyward. But it is sort of expressing itself to the extent possible, given its withdrawal.

And can I just say, when it comes to early man and that swamp, talk about homo erectus. Thank you. I don't know what that means. Kinesis, what powders are you adding to beverages or what powders are you making into beverages? That's the subject of the day. Great subject because like you, I'm consuming several cups servings of liquid. It is water. And then I add a little bit of juice into it because I'm from the South and we didn't grow up drinking water.

So just regular water doesn't taste like enough. So I have to put a little bit of juice in there. So I actually drink. You're making yourself a flat spin drift. Yes. It is a, it's whatever juice was on sale this week. So it's mango, orange, something else. It can be any juice?

Yeah. I normally get, okay, so there's a hierarchy of juices. I'll be 100% honest. Okay, all prices being the same. All prices being the same. If there's not a great juice bargain out there, what juice are you got? I'm looking for those juice bargains all the time. Oh, you have to.

Yeah. I get, because there was one that was like a pinia, Kalata type juice, so it was coconut milk or coconut some flavor and pineapple juice. And so I used to get that. And then my sister was like, you dumb, dumb, that's only 10% juice. You're putting poison into your body. And so now I, every time I go to the grocery store, I have to get 100% juice. And there's like a whole Dole section.

And it starts with orange, but orange isn't enough. I need it to be more special than orange. So then I went to Dole's pineapple. And then this week, they didn't have any pineapple because I guess everyone's, getting it. And so I had to get this orange mango something else. I don't know. And it's okay, but it's not my favorite.

Okay, yeah. Would you say down the middle pineapple is your ideal juice? Am I hearing that right? Especially since I no longer drink alcohol. When I go to a bar for a show, they give me a drink ticket, and I will be like, give me your nicest pineapple juice so that it feels like

I'm using this drink ticket effectively. And they just crack open a weird can that they got a grocery It's only small cans. I haven't been to a place with a larger can than like... A can, yeah, a can factor and top that is only used for pineapple juice with the little silver tab. No other juice comes in that can as far as I know.

It has the thing where you have to, it's like a little piece of cellophane that you have to pull off. Right. Why do we have to do... Does that help the pineapple juice or is it just because there's like an antiquated law and they have to do that? Kennees, I have a sub question for you. Are you always going when do... or do you ever treat yourself to R.W. Knudson?

I haven't even heard of, like, I'm imagining based on the fact that it's R.W. Knudson, is this like a slightly curlier font? Or is this like a sans-sariff? This is like what you would get if you bought your juice at a health food store in 1987. This is a premium juice, but the thing that is premium about it is that it comes in a glass jug with a diamond textured neck that you can really get a hold of. Diamond textured.

They're like imitating the texture of a pineapple. It is something like that. Yes, it's very much like the texture of a pineapple. I hadn't thought of it in those terms. And I'm just saying that's a premium juice. And I think you deserve to treat yourself. Do you ever use, are you always using a juice or sometimes do you use a nectar, like a kerns?

I have used a nectar because, okay, so when I do my weekly grocery shopping. I go to the large. It's like, it's in Brooklyn, but it's the size of a suburban grocery store. And I first went there high, and I was like, this is magical. There's so many different types of every food. Oh, my gosh. So now that has become my weekly thing. But sometimes, if I just need to run out of the house or I look and, oh, no, I'm out of juice, I have to go to the super fancy grocery store that's like half a block away from me. And they don't even sell regular juice. It's like they only have nectar in bottles. And so I've gotten a nectar there when it's like a, but it's a pinch come to shove and I can't do this all the time. I would go bankrupt because of the

juice costs, nectar cost. Jordan and my friend, Mr. John Hodgman, host of the Judge John Hodgman podcast, is also a Brooklynite. And I've seen John go into a suburban grocery store. he is particularly passionate about this one suburban grocery store that was on the way to Max FunCon in Lake Arrowhead, California, between Los Angeles and Lake Arrowhead, California. And I've seen him go in there and talk about Homo erectus. Like, if you are a New Yorker, the act of going into a regular grocery store, just like a supermarket, somewhere where you don't have to walk sideways and there's a cat lands on top of your head. and like an apple cost $3.99 is... Apples are cheaper than $3.99? I'm kidding. Is like an orgasmic experience.

Is my what I've observed in my Brooklynite friend, John Hodgman? I relate to John Hodgman in that way and maybe only in that way, because, yes, when I go to a large suburban grocery store, my sister, when I visit her in Baltimore, she knows that we have to go to a regular grocery store and a Costco because I just want to look around and, like, see all the things. Like, what are, like, large groceries like these days? Like, oh, you can buy that many chips at once? Like, we don't even have the option of getting that many chips at one time. Like, you have to go back.

It's just... You just want to fantasize about a world where you made different decisions and can buy a ton of chips at once. Oh, my gosh. I want a ton of chips. I want, like, a ton of rice, but not in, like, a sketchy bag. I want... Oh, my God.

I'm, like, so excited to go to a suburban grocery. store. Like, that may be a Christmas gift to myself. I feel like I sometimes will hear a New Yorker telling me about the steps they've taken to go to Costco or IKEA. And it always is like, well, first of all, I agreed to be the caretaker for an old woman. Then every day I put a little bit of lead into her tea. And after four months, I hitch up, I hitch up sled dogs. I would have to take three buses to get to an IKEA. And then I would have to take an $80 Uber Excel back to my house with the items. So, yeah. Can I ask you a couple of questions about things I've seen on your social media lately?

I hope it was normal. And yes. Well, this one, I just, I saw it. I had questions. And I'm like, she's coming on the podcast. I can just ask her there. Okay. I was so curious as what I did.

I post things and forget about it like a goon. So I don't know what I did. Well, yes. Interesting you mentioned goon. Oh, no. Did you recently purchase and refurbish a cuck chair? Oh, okay. So I did not purchase.

I'm part of the, well, it's a particular neighborhood. Kind of a cuckolding buy nothing group. It is a buy nothing group. Okay. So I used to waste a lot of money and now I don't let myself buy much at all. But I wrote down at the beginning of the year, if you get a lot of money for some reason, you are going to buy these things for your apartment that you love. And I don't know how to describe this type of chair without saying that it is a cuck chair.

Right. But other people definitely don't mean it the way that I mean. I just mean an upholstered chair with arms that's sturdy and it looks nice in a bedroom. But most people, when you say cuck chair, means that's the chair you sit in when you watch your wife get fucked by a stranger. Right. Well, it wouldn't be a stranger necessarily. You've sent them a few messages on Craigslist. You met up in public first.

Right, right, right, right. So not a complete stranger. Of course, a cuck chair would be very reasonable. But I don't have, I don't want a wife, but I also don't have a wife. And I don't want to watch her get fucked by anyone. But I do want a nice, sturdy chair in the corner of a bedroom just so that if I want to sit on a soft thing, it's not something I can lay down on and then go to sleep again. Gotcha.

This category of chair, I feel like, has been taken over by Cucks. Exactly. I honestly don't know what to call that chair. I don't want to call it that. I mean, I think what you're describing, Jordan, Cucks have taken over the chair industry, just as they've taken over the, you know, pornographic YouTube industry. You know, you go to one of the pornographic YouTubes. It's all cuck stuff.

And I'm wondering if there might be room in the chair industry for incest. Oh, that's an untapped market. Incest and semi-incest. Sure. Yeah, it's a step-parent. A step-mom chair. Yeah. Perfect for a step-mom.

I feel like a step-mom would really like certain things in the kitchen or based on, I'm not saying I'm a stepmother porn connoisseur, but like I feel like that would be like a certain type of apron. I feel like some of these stepmoms are wearing aprons for some reason. Yeah, because... Yeah, I think it's a good visual signifier of stepmom. Yeah, and then they can bend over at the waist and... You know what I mean? Right on in there.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. So it's a busty stepmom apron, a cuck chair, a step-sibling gaming console or washer dryer setup? Yeah, yeah. A lot of great things out there for your family. Jordan, you know, I have a cock chair in my bedroom, and it's a rocking chair, which is nice because I like to knit while my wife is fucking someone with a bigger dick than me, like a Neanderthal or whatever. Right.

Yeah, yeah. She dug him up. We noticed you from across the bar, and we like your enamel. I don't think there's anybody out there with stronger enamel than me, baby. I've been told that I have some of the best. I got incredible enamel. Imagine me going on to Craigslist and posting need Neanderthal with stronger enamel than mine and then actually find, that's what they call a unicorn in the community, Jordan, to find somebody with a bigger dick than mine and stronger enamel than mine. Kinesse, what drinks are you drinking?

What drinks were you drinking? First of all, where in the South? and what drinks were you drinking that were not water? What are some of the top drinks of your region of origin? Okay. So I grew up in North Carolina, in the southernmost part of North Carolina, but North Carolina,

I'm very clear on that because South Carolina is a garbage state, no offense. And I just think it's bad. We know you're proud. We've seen you take your shirt off and wave it around your head like a helicopter. As we do, where I'm from. And we have an education system. South Carolina doesn't.

Anyway, I would drink a lot of sweet tea when I was a child Kool-Aid and it had so much sugar in it that it was thick. Like it had like its own viscosity. Like a nectar. Yes, like a nectar, very much so. I was confused because I went to Girl Scout camp for seven years. Seven different years I went to Girl Scout camp. I didn't stay there for seven years straight. Anyway, they didn't let us drink Kool-Aid.

They made us drink water. And then if we drank three classes. of water, we got bug juice. And so I came home after this experience and was like, mom has made some strange syrup. And I think we're supposed to drink this. It was amazing. I'm surprised I don't have diabetes. Canis, did they give you like a punch card?

My counselor was counting or they said they were counting. But also I'm a chronically honest person. So I find it really difficult to just lie about that. And so I would be like, you know, I'd rather force water into my mouth. to tell a lie. As a child, I went to the natural food store for groceries, only because it was the grocery store that was within walking distance of my house. Shout out to Rainbow Grocery Co-op.

Still exists in San Francisco, a different location. So we were in an R.W. Knudsen family. If juice was being purchased, we were buying a premium juice. We didn't drink a ton of juice, but, you know, we were buying that natural food store juice, just as we had to... R.W. Knudsen sounds like a turn-of-the-century-century-money. Robert Barron, who did a lot of awful things. However, I did have some bug juice experience because on my baseball team,

sometimes Coach Reggie would bring bug juice to practice because you could go to the grocery store and buy a gallon of it for, I'm going to say, 35 cents. Yeah. It just has dye in it. Like, I'm not even sure it had a real thing. flavor when I had bug juice. Well, that's the thing. The thing about Kool-Aid is, when you're a child, you think, I'm going to buy this

Kool-Aid packet because it costs a quarter or something, and I'm going to have my own Kool-Aid under my own control, and then you get it home and you find out it's the kind that doesn't have the sugar in it. You have to add the sugar. Right. Yeah. It's a trick. Did you ever have a favorite type of Kool-Aid?

Red. Jordan. Got to be red, baby. Oh, you know, pink lemonade also a pretty good Kool-Kulade, too. I mean, red, red's good. But in a pinch, the pink lemonade, pretty tasty. Or I remember it being pretty tasty. I'm a real fruit punch guy. I like a red Kool-Aid.

I like a tootie-frutti-fruity Haritos. Tutti-Fruity is my preferred harit-tos. I'm a grown man. Kinesse, did your Southern family call all drinks, no matter what they were, Cokes, are all drinks? We were not from Georgia. Wow. My Texas family, all-d-d-drinks.

All drinks are coax. Y'all want coax? And it just can be any drink. That's deeply upsetting to me. How dare you? You have to figure out what they're talking about because it could be a Coke, but it also. You're using language to obstruct instead of the clarifying. There's be buttermilk.

Y'all want coax and it's a glass of buttermilk. There's a similar thing in San Francisco, Jordan, where when I grew up, all drinks were called gay liberation. Right, right. And yeah, that just wasn't available in the South. It's a regional thing. It's not good at it. Yeah. So sweet tea, uh, Kool-Aid slurry.

Yes. Any other beverage? Were you drinking any carbonated beverages? Cheer wine. Loved it. Oh. Is that everywhere or is that just in the south? Well, that's like you can get it in the south and then you can get it at the retro candy store.

I loved it. I was like cheer wine's the best. And then I went to places that sold root beer floats. I was like, no. Make mine a cheer wine float. And it was bright pink. Wow. And I have no idea.

what those flavors were, and I can't drink sodas anymore. So I just think about it wistfully, the taste of cheer wine. Can I tell you what I just did? When I was on that popular website in order to buy my drink packets, my non-caloric drink packets, I noticed that on that website you can buy caffeine-free regular Dr. Pepper. And so I bought a 12-pack of caffeine-free regular Dr. Pepper, and it cost $35. What? Okay. How many cans are in there? Twelve. It's a twelve pack.

But you can't get it at the grocery store in Los Angeles. The closest place you could get it is Utah. Oh. Yeah, they would do that. And I'm not doing this all the time. I haven't had it in years. I haven't had a Dr. Pepper in years. It's my favorite one. You're going to throw a little packet in there maybe? With a lime, almost like a toy. You thought about throwing a packet in there? Holy shit.

Shit. Okay, I'm going to need to take a second to process this idea. Let's do some deep breathing with our heads between our knees. Hello, baby. Chantilly lace and a purdy face and a Dr. Pepper with citrus crystals. Let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, detective. First of all, I want to say thank you to every member of Maximum Fun.

If you're not already a member, April 20th, 420. That's when the Max Fun Drive starts this year. It's going to run 420 to May Day, International Workers Day, May 1st. We're going to be doing all kinds of cool shit. We're planning it right now. It's going to be extraordinary. We'll probably be doing some live streams, all kinds of shit. It's the perfect time to join Max Fund or upgrade your membership.

So we will talk to you then about that. And Jordan, I think for the grand finale of the drive, Hodgman is flying out to L.A. We're doing a live Judge John Hodgman streaming free to everybody with litigants who come from the Maximum Fund Network. Yes. I'm thinking I might be able to drive a wedge between you and Emily Fleming. Oh, maybe. Well, we have a pretty, so yeah, Judge John Hodgman, you're going to be settling, settling debates between podcast co-hosts, and Emily and I, we have a spicy one, quite literally, in fact. Excellent. I love it. I love to hear all of Emily's, let's be frank, unhinged ticks.

Emily, it was a woman full of incredible ideas. Yes. And deep passions. Yes. I'm going to be really fun. All of the above. Really fun. It's going to be, yeah, it's going to be a blast. Max Fun Drive in general. It's going to be a hoot. We got lots of cool stuff planned.

And, uh, yeah, check it out. Can I mention, by the way, some cool stuff that is happening this week, happened last week, happening next week on Boltai. Okay. Yeah. This week, Chuck Klosterman and Fab Five Freddie. Incredible. Pretty rock solid.

Klosterman's talking about football. Fab Five Freddie talking a little bit about yo MTV raps, a lot about. the history of graffiti. Last week, four different members of Monty Python. Wow. Next week, not just Jimmy Pardo. Not just our old great friend Jimmy Pardo, our friend of longstanding James Pardo,

but also the ecstatic black metal band Agriculture. Wow. A classic pairing. Everyone, everyone is going on bullseye. I think this is the first feature length interview with a black metal band in the history of public radio, at least in the history of NPR. It might be. American black metal band?

Are they Swedish? American. They're from Los Angeles. Incredible band. Very, very artsy. Okay. Very, very cool gang. All four of them came by the studio.

They were all very cool. My favorite maybe, with no offense to the rest of them, but my favorite was the guitarist who rips out cool solos and also can play like crazy Ingvee Malmsteen stuff. And also just looks like a chill dude who never wears a shirt and has Metallica hair and would ride a skateboard anywhere. Do they come in full monster makeup? No, they came in standard. I think they wear standard face.

I don't think that they usually, I think people come to their shows in corpse paint, but I don't think that they themselves wear corpse paint. Yeah. Interesting. I got to listen to the interview to hear more about it. Pretty arts. Hey, if you're out there picking up comic books at your local comic book store, I want to remind folks, Predator Bloodshed, the Predators series written by me currently on stands. Issue 2 comes out March 25th. So pop on by your local comic book store. Tell them you want issue one and issue two. And while you're at it, tell them to get you the whole series, five issues. It's going to be a gory, good time. And I don't mean to correct you, Jordan.

Okay. Obviously, people who are headed out to the comic book store can get themselves a copy of Predator Bloodshed. Yeah. But they're not the only ones. Okay. If you're staying home sick and watching TV, send Daddy out to get you some ginger ale. Yep.

And get you predator bloodshed. Yeah. And, you know, after you're done reading it, you and Daddy can watch Price is Right. Mm-hmm. Exactly. Classic sick day. Classic sick day. Yeah, I will be at the comic bug in Culver City, signing the book on Wednesday, March 25th, 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. Yep, that's when they said it's busy. So I'm coming into the old comic bug at 11 a.m. on Wednesday, March 25th. So yeah, and also keep an eye out for Web of Venom and Amazing Spider-Man Spider-Vers. both those books also written by me or co-written by me in the case of Spider-Versity. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Sure.

Web of Venom. Yeah. I mean, that's like, well, I would always swallow it. Okay. All right. Jesse, I cannot say whether or not web of venom is a cum word. You're going to have to pick up the issue. I signed an NDA.

The Marvel's going to, going to, Toast my buns if I say anything more about this thrilling comic book coming soon to your comic book. And you won't say whether Venom will toast your buns. I can't say it. My lips are sealed. I signed an NDA. You know these Marvel people. They're secretive.

Okay. Okay. Sorry. I didn't mean to put you in a bad position. That's fine. It's fine to ask. I'll put in a good word for you with the marble folks. You say marble?

I did say marble. Marble comics. I didn't mean to say marble, but you know, I'll put in I'll put a post up at R slash marbles. How about that? Thank you. Yeah, it would be fun to just post

about Marvel characters in R slash marbles and see how long it took for someone to get bad. Probably pretty quick. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessica. La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Canis Mowgli, Thirst Explorer. Oh, taking your palate on a little adventure, huh? I mean that in two ways, both, that I love trying different drinks, non-alcoholic, non-carbonated, and I also do a game show where we explore thirst in the,

sexual horny lady since. Oh. All right, let's get into momentous occasions. We got one here. If something momentous happens to you, give us a call, 206-984-4-4-Fund or even easier than that, Jordan. A lot of people don't know how to use a telephone. Go ahead and record a voice memo and send it by email to JJGo at maximum fun.org.

Much easier. Jordan, when time I read a newspaper article in the Times of New York, that said that young people only used Instagram messages to do business. Yeah. I feel like they just met one 28-year-old who told them some bullshit. Right. We talked to the craziest person we could find and assumed that's what everyone in their age group did.

Anyway, email us at JJGo at maximum fun.org. Here is a momentous occasion right here. This is actually Jordan follow-up on a momentous occasion. occasion. Ooh, okay. Hi, Jordan Jesse and let's say Paul Rust. I'm calling on an update about a momentous occasion from 2016. In episode 417, I called in with a momentous occasion about having a threesome with my two best friends in college for the first time. Jordan sang a little song that went jam it in, pull it out, jam it in, pull it out. And I'm just calling to update you that we've just received the court order that all three of us are now the legal parents of the child we had last

year. I'm calling you from the house we own together. And they're still my best friends and life partners after 10 years. So, hard as a rock. What is the river? Get them, get them, get them. Love you guys. Bye. First of all, obviously, Jordan, you would never do something like that. You would never. I wouldn't. Yeah. I think this caller is probably maybe misremembering. He was listening to a different, more vulgar podcast than this one? We try and keep it classy here. Is it possible he called Radio Lab? He might have called Radio Lab, and he was listening back to Jad Abumrod.

Right. Is that still the host of Radio Lab? Yeah, well, he was in 2016. Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely, yeah. No, no, it's a different guy. Yeah, like, I thought he's a different guy. So obviously, like, this wasn't us. But I think, you know, for the sake of, you know, yes and and keeping the show.

No, I'm not, you look. It would gum up the works of our entire show if every time somebody called in about a segment that they called into Radio Lab about, we corrected them and then said, obviously, Jordan wouldn't be vulgar. You know, that's probably Robert Crullwich. That guy's always talking about pussy and stuff. He's a sick fuck. Yeah. Robert Crowich is nasty. This dude is nasty.

Mr. Crulwich, if you're nasty, that's what he says. Yeah. But hey, game recognized game. Wow. Yeah. I'm sorry I'm not Paul Rust. It's okay. We haven't seen Paul Rust in a long time. We're always thrilled to see the great Keneas Mobley. Let's invite Paul Russ back sometimes. It's been a long time since we've seen him. Of course. Once we get Kinesis on two or three more times. Yes. Yes. And only if Paul Rust promises to reprise his famous Jordan Jesse Goh character, Bart Simpson, who's running for president. Hold on. That was also on radio. Now that I think about it, that was a radio lab. I listened to it. It's so hard. It's just such similar shows.

Yeah. Ten years, Jordan, a decade of marriage for these three loving people. That's really, really wonderful. And yeah, hopefully our show played some small part. Again, I didn't really sing it, but let's assume that I did. Yeah, hopefully that my stick it in, pull it out song, you know, was inspiring to them. You know, maybe it helped, you know, horn them up. Yeah.

which leads to a solid relationship. You know, a good relationship has plenty of horning up. So, you know, I'm glad I could help in that way. In a lot of ways, you've made them better parents because hornyer parents are better parents. Thank you, yes. I'm not going to talk about my mom in this way, except to say I don't think that that was the place I was raised in,

a horny environment. And she was a pretty good mom. Knieis, that's why your mother struggled to. so much with parenting. Because she wasn't horny enough? Not horny enough. Well, she would have been horny or she got some of Jordan's dulcet tones. Thank you.

She'd heard some of that stick it in and wiggle it. What was it? Stick it out. Stick it in and pull it out. Oh, I would never advocate for wiggling it around. I'm a Christian, madam. And we do not wiggle it around. What do you think Jordan is?

What do you think this guy is? Some kind of freaking jellyfish? No. And I think you're right, Jesse. I do think that horny parents make the best parents. And that's why history's greatest parent is Peg Bundy. Oh, yeah. Sure.

See, it was such a good mother to Bud and Christina Applegate. Incredible. Kelly. An incredible parent. And, you know, I think she also speaks to another truism of parenting, which is, you know, parenting can be really hard. I know that, Jordan, you don't have any children. Can he say? I presume you don't have any children?

No, and I would never. Okay. Ew, yucky. I mean, I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy that you did that. I know you were trying to Jordan. You got to die. They do.

I do got to get a son. They do. They do. They smell so weird. Okay, so I know as a parent myself, I'm the parent of three, that we carry so much tension around. And I think Pegg really was really taught a generation of young people that their parents were carrying that tension in their tushies. And they needed their tushies rubbed. By Al.

But he just wanted to read Biggins Magazine. Yeah. That's all I really remember. Yeah. That's all it was. That's all it was. Sotirical question mark? something I liked about this call.

I think a couple weeks ago, I made a kind of a frustrated plea for more sex calls because I think we were on our 10,000th, I saw a bumper sticker call. Which isn't even a thing on our show. That's a thing from Stop Podcasting yourself. Let's be frank. Again, are all the calls we get accidents?

They might be. Stop storing our number, radio lab's number and stop podcasting yourself's number in your phone as podcast. Right. Yeah, it just never gets to the right one. So, yeah, I think I was frustrated and kind of like wanted to open the floodgates, so to speak, for sex calls, which I think we had previously said, you know, can we get a pause on? Because we were getting so many, you know, throuples and threesomes and, you know, nasty freak, Krollwich shit. Okay.

Robert Krollwitch type stuff. He's a really nice man. I had lunch with him once. I'm sure. Hey, game-recognized game. But I like this call because it is at once a sex call, but also a really heartwarming story of family. I was worried it wasn't going to be.

Like at the beginning of this when I was like, I called in a decade ago about a threesome, and I was like, oh, no. And then we got our papers, and I was like, they've got a terrible disease or something bad happened or they're being accused of a murder. But they have a child. That's nice.

All three of them have had. chlamydia for 10 years. The burning is... Which causes them to commit murder. Yeah. Oh, wow. Jordan Cowling, our producer, has chimed in in our chat with a really

terrifying possibility, which is, if this happened 10 years ago, what if this thruple are ghosts? Wow. A thut-a-thruple. I think that's right.

By the way, I think we could just get A-24 to green light that, right? I think if we, I don't know who owns A24, but I think if we, if we were just emailed them ghost thruple. And you know what, A24, you're going to have to beat Neon's offer. That's, those are the big competitors now. But I do have an important question. Oh, sure, please. With a ghost thruple, does it get wet?

Or is this a very dry experience? Because you'd want it to be very lubricated, but is ghost, what is that, ectoplasm? Yeah, ectoplasm. I was going to also bring up ectoplasm. Okay. It comes out of ghosts and it can go into ghosts as well. Okay. Yeah, comes out of their butts and pussies and dicks and mouths.

Oh, okay. And armpits, if necessary. And armpits. I think if you're going to fuck an undead creature, ghost makes its own loop. Yeah. So I think of all the, like, mummy. Yeah, obviously. You don't want to fuck a dry ass mummy.

Obviously, everybody is horny for mummy. because they're wrapped up. We've covered this on the show before. Sure. It's a repetitive show. Nothing new happens on the show. Mommies, yes, even though they're dry and all wrapped up in gauze or whatever. Ghosts, yes, and they make their own wetness.

Yeah. Have we covered vampires and werewolves in our fucking of the supernatural, undead hammer universe or whatever? We have not. They're kind of basic. Yeah, I would imagine that the Werewolf and the vampire are both pretty dry. Maybe not the

Werewolf. There's all that fur. It just seems like you're creating a fire or something. You know what? I think There's a fire hazard when you're fucking A lot of dry fur just rubbing together or something? I think they probably fuck each other. Werewolves?

Werewolves and vampires. Oh. If the farmer and the cowmen can be friends, why not then can the vampire and the werewolf? Not fuck the werewolf, yes. Is that what Underworld was about? No, Oklahoma. That's what Oklahoma was. Okay, thanks. Sorry. I have a question. Yeah, please. Look, I've been with my beautiful wife, Teresa, romantically speaking, for more than 25 years. Congratulations. We're very much in love.

A beautiful tale of love. We love to kiss. We don't, not to brag, we don't even need any ectoplasm. Wow. Nice. I feel like the most I could imagine, and maybe this is because I'm an elder millennial, the most I could imagine sustaining a thruple is 18 months. 18 months seems like the top, like, I could do it. Like, if it needed to happen, I could figure it out.

But I feel like after a year, I'd be tearing my freaking hair out. And after 18 months, I'd be like, Sorry, guys, I'm moving to one of those furnished apartment hotels. I mean, might be nice to have the extra help with child care. But they just got this child, right? Yeah. And who knows? Maybe I would want to try sucking a dick.

I've never done that. Give it a shot. It's fine. Yeah. It's fine. It depends on who the dicks attached you, I'd say. It's like an important. And if it's your best friend that you've had for 10 years,

maybe it would be better for you to try sucking their dick versus another dick. I mean, if, let me put it this way, if I was best friends with a mummy, I could stay in a thruple for thousands of years. But, I mean, I think should the thruple fall apart, Jesse, and you do have to move into one of those pre-furnished apartments, you'll have a lovely black-and-white photo of Paris to enjoy. That's a really good point. I'll always remember a small picture of Paris in the D'Vorce apartment. Right, yeah.

So it doesn't matter that your marriage has fallen apart because... And I'll have 12 hour a day access to a too small pool. You can't really do anything. Yeah. Okay. We also, Kenes, you know this because you've been a guest on the program. You've heard the program before. We were very creative.

We think of a lot of ideas for the show. This is a person who's calling into the show for a thing that we thought of and prompted. It's not just somebody that called in to tell us something and then say it was some segment of some kind that we hadn't actually thought of. That's what it is. Of course. What it is. Hey, Jordan, Jesse. And I'm going to say, guest, Rob Gordrick, why not?

This is Jackson up in Minneapolis. I just got out of the Polish delctesson where I have a moment of shame for society to report. The outside speaker, not the inside of the restaurant, but the outside speaker is playing a pentatonic Christmas record. It's March 10th. Anyway, felt that deserved your attention. Float to boat. Fuck ice. Go twins.

Love you guys. Bye. This is my favorite call at a long time. I'm so motivated by this, Delo. First of all, as soon as you say... Wait, are we worried that this is a Polish joke? Are we worried that this is a... This is some sort of uncle...

Polish joke. I don't think it is. And I was about to say, like, immediately I was, look, do I want to live in Minnesota? It's too cold. It's almost nightmarishly cold during the winter. Right. And I'm from California, and I just am not going to be able to deal with it. Sure. One time, plus you would have to get a job working for Mystery Science Theater 3,000. You'll have to watch all those bad movies. Yeah, exactly. You have to do that. You have to. I once had a conversation. with my contact at Public Radio International, which was based in Minneapolis, Minnesota. And she told me this whole thing about trying to hire a guy to push the snow off her roof so her house didn't collapse.

And she said it to me like, that was normal. And I said, ma'am, you've been traumatized. Like, this is not okay. It's unacceptable. So, first of all, I'm not going to move to Minneapolis or Chicago, despite it being incredibly beautiful city and relatively affordable compared to Los Angeles. However, it is not when I spot the beautiful architecture or the verdant green spaces of these cities that I am jealous. It is when I spot the central and eastern European delicatessence. I demand more European dumplings in Los Angeles.

Where would we even get a pierogi at this? I don't know where buries come from. This is a thing where you guys are letting your L.A. show real hard because it's not. only available in these desolate-ass places. You can get Polish food in New York very easily. There's like a whole neighborhood where things are written in the language of Poland, which is, is it Polish? Yeah, that's correct. Yeah.

It ain't French. I'll tell you that, Kennez. Yeah. I can tell that. French I can read. I can't read whatever the writing of the country of Poland is. Yeah. Ooh, la la.

And do you enjoy a trip to New York's Polish food? food stores? I have been to Greenpoint where there is a large Polish and I think Ukrainian, but I'm not 100% sure given that I can't even identify the languages. There is a huge amount of those types of restaurants, bakeries,

stores and such. I have been on dates to several what I assume are Polish restaurants. And they were fine. I got a question for you, Jordan. When you used to live in sort of West Hollywood-ish.

Mm-hmm. Weren't there Russian grocery stores around there? Did you have access to any kind of dumplings? There were. Yeah, there were some Russian dumpling places, and there were some Russian restaurants that were pretty good in West Hollywood. Yeah, those are tasty.

So I think if you want that kind of thing, you could probably get to it. I could go for a nice schnitzel, too. I mean, I don't even need to go as far as Poland. Just a high-quality schnitzel or spatzel. Either way. Nice and flat. Oh, so flat.

Oh, so pounded out. Pound it, Debbie. Yeah, it's been pounded. Spatzel is just meat that has been pounded. No, schnitzel is meat that's been pounded and breaded. Okay. Spatzel is like a little noodle. It's not a noodle.

It's sort of shaped like a piece of rice and it's chewy. Like a fat rice grain. Is it a different plant? Or are they doing something special with another? No, it's made of wheat, I believe. leave. This is fascinating. I'm sorry. I clearly wasn't paying attention to the offerings of these Polish places I ate because I've never heard of either. Well, these are German foods. Oh, okay. I won't go to a German restaurant again. I won't do it. Oh, wow. You had a bad experience.

So yeah, I refuse. I'm sorry, I just can't condone that. I've never had... You're implicit in the Holocaust if you go to any October Fest celebration. Okay. I've just never, I've just never, had a good time at a German restaurant, and so I've sworn them off, and I've made all of my friends stop suggesting that we go to beer gardens and things. I'm really tired of it. I did it for so long, and I had to pretend to, like, mustard on everything, and I don't want to do it anymore. I love it all. Put mustard on it. That's what I say. Pound it out and put mustard on it, daddy. You know what else I would love, Jordan? It's a nice borsh. Oh, yeah. A borsh is a good. That's Russian, right? Yeah, that's Russian. That's a,

I mean, they eat in a variety of places, but it's famously Russian. Okay. It makes your pee very pink, but it's worth it. That's like a fun side effect. That's not a bad thing. I will say this about German restaurants. Beer's too big. The beer's too big.

I just can't do it. There's a time in my life when I would have appreciated beers too big. I'm like, ah, this beer, okay, I guess I should probably. I went to a, I was at a German place, and I ordered what I thought was a small, beer. And I think it was the smallest beer that they offer. And it was as big as big as two of my heads. You just got to, Jordan, you got to learn to suppress your gag reflex. Yeah, I guess so. I just, I get so sleepy. I just get so sleepy. And I need to, I need to power through if I'm going to be social into the night. And I can't have this big, as big as my two heads beer to deal with. Can I ask a follow-up question? Yeah. Kenese, the chair recognizes Kenese Mobley. Thank you so much. So, Thank you, esteemed guests.

I do need further clarification. When these beers are the size of your head, does that include your curly hair and beard or not? I'm going to kick this question over to Jordan. Jordan, go ahead. Yeah, thank you, Jesse. Thank you, Keneas. Thank you producer.

Thank you, listeners. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. Yes, so to answer your question, the giant beer, my heads. I do, I do mean two of my heads plus hair plus beard. Thank you. Thank you. That's just how big. The beer, two, beer's too big. I would have thought normal, but then you said plus hair, that's insane.

It's a, it's a, it's a big beer. Let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la la la la la. Hey, what's up, everybody? My name is Mark Gagliardi, and I host. We got this with Mark and Hal on the maximum Fun Network. Would you like to introduce yourself as well? My name is Jesse and I am from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Hi, Jesse from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Jesse, you are our Maximum Fun member of the month. I'm so delighted to hear that I'm the member of the month. Thank you. Is there a first episode that you remember? The pretzel shape episode. That's pretty classic. Both of us just killed off each other's answers and went with pretzel rod, which is

clearly not the best. No. That is a terrible pretzel. As our member of the month, you have a parking spot at Maximum Fun headquarters, as well as a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fund store. We said at the end of the episode, we wouldn't do it without you and we couldn't do without you. So thank you for that. You're welcome. Become a MaxFund member now at maximumfund.org slash join. Hello. Hello, I'm calling on behalf of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. No, no, I'm sorry. No sales calls, goodbye. It's a multi-award-winning podcast featuring guests such as Ted Danson, Nick Offerman, Josie Long. I don't know what a Josie Long is, and anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last.

You are wasting my time, and even worse, my mother's time. She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old. She's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother get her shoes on. Yes, the orthopedic ones. I don't want to have to carry you home again, do I? Right.

Well, if you were looking for a podcast... Well, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, Mother. This is a musical theater, not a Parisian Bordello. Simply go to maximum fun.org. I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother! Mother, not that hat! La, la, la, la, la.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorneux's Radio, sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kenes-Mobly, a connoisseur of thirst. Indeed. Let's address this connoisseurship for a second, because you have a hot guy draft coming up in like literally a few days when this episode is released.

It's the 22nd of March? Absolutely. And this is at Madison Square Garden? We shrank down just for the convenience of your listeners. We wanted to make sure that they felt like it was in an intimate environment. So we're doing it at Littlefield instead of, of course, what we would do based on how popular we are. Or a Barclays Center. Yeah, of course.

Barclays, because I am a Brooklyn person. I do prefer Brooklyn to Manhattan. But yes, comedians will be creating teams of hot guys, and the audience will be voting on who has assembled the best team of pop culture figures, historic people, cartoons, inanimate objects, concepts. Is there a theme for this particular iteration of the hot guy draft? Yes, there is a theme. This theme is daddies. We're asking, what is a daddy, who is a daddy, but most importantly, why is a daddy? Why do we as a society right now need daddies?

Okay. I mean, obviously, everybody's just going to get a big thing about beard papa. Like, everybody just wants to draft beard papa. If it's a daddy's draft, everybody's going to want to draft. The cream puff king, beard papa, is that not, is, am I wrong? Am I wrong about that? The ultimate daddy. The ultimate daddies.

I'm looking, I'm going to look up this beard papa situation. I think if someone asked me during an intimate encounter to say, Papa, I would have a bit of a problem. Is that something that men want to be called? You're not fucking enough Belgian 19-year-old boys. Papa? Papa. Papa.

You know, I was out, Jordan, I was out to dinner with our friend Stuart Wellington the other day. Not to brag. Dan McCoy also there, their respective spouses, our friend John Hodger, a really nice time. Yay, Dan McCoy, hi. Yeah, and fuck you, stew. I just don't know him. like that. But Dan's really cool. Dan's a great guy. Stuart just casually mentions that recently on his TikTok, somebody said that they want to fill him with cream like a canoli.

Okay. Wow. Some chocolate chips and powdered sugar on top. It might have been beard papa. I'm just saying it might have been beard papa. Oh yeah. You know, you know, that guy likes to fill you up. That cream is so like of a canoli. It's so immobile. It's like, it's so, it would just, I'm thinking of health concerns. I'm sorry, but continue. No. You should always be thinking of health concerns, Canis. If you don't have your health, what do you have?

Exactly. After Stewart got filled up, we would remind them, take the canoly. Sure, yeah. So it wouldn't be immobilized there. Right. Yes, exactly. Cool. Cool.

Do you have any, like, strategy tips or picks in mind for the contestants? Absolutely. So a lot of people are going to go for your standards. Right now, that is your page or page or page. Pascal, Oscar, Isaac, Denzel, Washington, and even the top in heated rivalry, Connor Story, but only as the top. Can I guess before you even say it? That fish stick fisherman.

The one? Gorton's. Gordon's? I have a jacket like that because I like that Gordon's fisherman character. Okay. So there's an appeal there, you admit. Put them up on the board. You guys don't have a rain slicker?

We live in Lhasa. It never rains in Southern California. as Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony once said. Oh, yeah. That's true. That's true. That's true. Speaking of Tony's, immediately my mind went to Mr. Tony T. Tiger. Yes. With the little bandana.

With the little bandana. And Tony Danza? I like Tony Danza, short king. Tony Danza from Taxi. Just who's the boss is a very sexually loaded question. Yes. Get you thinking, doesn't it? Who is the boss?

Thank you, Jordan. I agree. Yeah. So there you go. But, oh, the tip for the people who are going to be doing it is that while those people are selected a great deal, people win by choosing the women who are embodying a daddy energy. So right now, Jillian Anderson is rated as highly as Pedro Pescal. That seems about right. I agree with that. Like, if she told you what to do, you do it. Oh, yeah, she's the boss. She's the boss.

Any Sigourney's in there? I could take a wild guess that maybe a Sigourney or two you might feature. I think I have the person who's trying to fill some of Sigourney's genre and ass-kicking shoes. And right now, that is Charlize Theron. I thought you were going to say the person who's trying to fill Sigourney's canoli. That's a lot of people. Like, Jesse, I think a lot of people are trying to fill her canola. You know what I'm saying?

That's what I say to do. That's my vocal warm up before we start. Sigourney's Canoli, Sigourney's Canoli. Sigourney, if you ever listen to this, I respect you deeply and I would let you punch me in the face. We would all love to be punched in the face by legend Sigourney Weaver. I take a few from her. Sure. She could whack me around with the power loader from aliens.

Yeah. Why not? Hmm. Yes. Gina Davis, but she's got the bow. Because she's really good at that. She's like competitive internationally at that. She's also like super smart.

She's founded a bunch of things. I don't know. She's pretty cool. I didn't put her on the list, but I'm gonna. Yeah. Well, listen, I think, Gineas, I think what we've proved here is that your format has legs. Thank you. This is sure to be a thrilling show.

Everybody's got an opinion on the various daddies of the world. I will be excited to hear back how inanimate objects enter into. to it. It's nice that we're paying respect to the items of the world. Yeah. Sometimes people want to have sets with any of an object. Sure. I think hand blender can make it all the way.

Hand blender. I'd like to see canister vacuum. See what canister vacuum can't do. Energy saver light bulb. Hose attachments. You know who I'm drafting in the hot guy draft no matter what the theme is? Moby Dick from the book Moby Dick. The way.

A whale? Okay. Yes. I thought it was like a Frankenstein's monster, Frankenstein situation where maybe Moby Dick was like another person on the shit. No, this guy's the fucking whale from the book Moby Dick and the movie Moby Dick. He's been in movies too. The next one is in August. The theme is First Crush.

So if Moby Dick was one of your first crushes, you got to come to the show is what I meant. Okay, free willy. I admit it. It's free willy. All whales with this guy. This guy won't shut up about whales. Canis Mowgli, March 22nd in Brooklyn, go see her show, the hot guy draft. It's going to be a lot of fun.

Our producer, Jordan Cowling, our theme music, love you by the free design. Thanks to the free design. Thanks to Light in the Attic Records. You can find us on social media, and in fact, I insist that you do so. Follow us on blue sky. Follow us on Instagram. follow us on Facebook. Those are three great places to go.

You know where we're not? On Elon's website. I don't know. People are talking about Elon. He's a shit guy. I'm not saying he's not a shit guy. We both love our Tesla. Both Jesse and I love our Tesla.

But we put one of the stickers on it. We put a sticker on there. We would never sell it, but we put on it. Look, I'm not going to sell my Tesla, Jordan. I love this thing. I love my Tesla. I love it. I love my cyber truck more, but we put stickers on it to let people know that we're good.

Tell us in the comments, we're good. Jesse, the sticker is supposed to say something like, I bought this before Elon went crazy. My sticker just says go Red Sox, fuck the Yankees. Well, you need to put a sticker on letting people know you're good, Jesse. Okay, I'll get one of those ones that says visualize world peas. That's the one. That's all that's true. What if, Knieis, what if the Air Force had to have a bake sale just to buy an airplane, bomb?

A bomb for their airplanes. That would be funny to just fill a Tesla with the, like, all of the crunchy hippie bumper stickers you can find. Every bumper sticker from 1988. That would be a great art project. Someone do that. Save the wheels. I mean, I think vandalism and things that would result in you being arrested are bad, probably don't do. them. But if someone saw a cyber truck and then in the middle of the night, snuck and covered the

entire cyber truck with 80s bumper stickers, that would be really interesting. But I'm not suggesting anyone do that. I'm just saying... It'd be great. Would all love it. Yeah, it would be a very funny thing that, like a lot of people would like, but I'm not saying you should do that. No, but that would be cool. But we're not saying you should do it, but you should do it. But it would be cool. It would be really cool. I'd suck your dick. Just see what it's like. Jesse, you've never sucked a dick. Like, you don't I'm not saying you can be in a thruple with my wife and I. Because it's something that I'd have to talk to my wife about. But if you did it, if you put the stickers on the car, it would be cool.

And I'd give it a try. You would use it as a talking point when you're bringing up the thruple to your wife. Yeah. It'd be like, this fellow over here, you're going to believe what he did. By the way. You got a bunch of crunchy 80s bumper stickers and put them on a Tesla or Cybert trial. And we have a king-sized mattress. Like, it's almost too big.

Too big for two people. Right size for three. I think we've said enough things. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Goff. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Maximum Fun. A work-owned network of artist-owned shows.

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