Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Son Tracker, with Hayden Johnson

Episode Date: July 23, 2026

This week, comedian Hayden Johnson joins us to talk about bus friends, career day flops, light blaspheming, and so much more *Check out Hayden on Instagram *Go see Hayden on tour *Preorder The Amazing Venom *Check out more Amazing Spiderman content from Jordan. *Order Jordan’s new Web of Venom comic. *Check out Jordan’s comic Predator: Bloodshed. * Order Jordan’s new Predator comic: Black, White & Blood! * Order Jordan’s new Venom comic! * Donate to Al Otro Lado. * Purchase signed copies of *Youth Group* and *Bubble* from Mission: Comics And Art!   ~ NEW JJGo MERCH ~ Get  Bronto Dino-Merch! Get our ‘Ack Tuah’ shirt in the Max Fun store. Grab an ‘Ack Tuah’ mug! The Maximum Fun Bookshop! Follow the podcast on Instagram and send us your dank memes! Check out Jesse’s thrifted clothing store, Put This On. Produced by Christian Dueñas Help support this show and unlock bonus content! Become a member at https://maximumfun.org/joinjjgo

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Under the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sucks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the king of the Hyundai Alantra. Oh, man, hold on. It's not a whole thing. Jordan Morris Boy Detective.

I just went and brought my Hyundai to the Hyundai dealership. They gave me a gorgeous new vivid blue Hyundai Alantra. Oh, because yours is needs servicing? Mine was just getting service. Okay. And so you're cruising around in the Alantra? So I got an Alantra. Now, did I have to call and ask for one and then take the bus for an hour back there and then wait 45 minutes for them to give it to me?

After they didn't call me for two days after I turned in my car? Yeah, sure. And now I got a vivid blue Hyundai Alantra. This is the downtown Hyundai. I had a bad experience there, too, Jesse. Things are messy at Hyundai Alantra. That's not the Hyundai dealership I would choose to go to. The number 81 bus goes right there.

How you like in the Alantra? You know, it's like a rental car. Nice central. Hey, you got, hey. It's clean. You got an XM satellite radio trial in there. Oh, I forgot that that was even a possibility. I mean, it's a rental, Elantra.

One would assume. I could be listening to Ozzy's Bone Yard right now. You could be listening to Smokey's Roadhouse. But you know what? Smokey's Soul House, excuse me. If I was listening to. Willie's Roadhouse. Willie, okay.

If I was listening to Ozzie's Boneyard right now, how would I hear the concert going on in Pershing Square? outside our window. Yeah, we have a nice bed of music. Christian's going to try and edit it out. We're just hearing the bass right now. Yeah. I'm going to say it's elephant man. Probably. Wait, let me hear it again. Yeah, Ponder

replay, that's elephant man. Yeah, it's got to be. What's going on with you, bud? Well, Jesse, I recently ate shit at a career day. Is this something that our college friend Miriam got you involved in. It is, yes. I went to that career day too. Did you get invited to that career day?

Oh, thank you to our college friend, Miriam. Thank you to Miriam. Who I think is a wonderful educator. Yes. And I am, I don't think I, my memory is that when I went to the, she teaches at a high school. Yeah, this was a college radio colleague of ours. Nice woman. And she invited me to the career day there at that high school she teaches at high school, not far from where our old office is. And I went to the career day and my experience was that teens are not interested in podcasting. Well, I was stoked. I got this invite a couple months ago. And I am like, this is what perfect timing. My career has never been cooler to a teenager.

My life right now has never been cooler to a teenager. I'm going to go to this thing. You're friends with Spider-Man. I know, Spider-Man. and some of his friends of whom I am one but I know others so yeah I'm like

comics animation podcasting I didn't know yet the teens don't care or know what a podcast they don't know what it is they don't know what it is never heard of it some of them have seen clips of Rogan on TikTok like your dentist uh huh in 2008 they do not know what a podcast is

uh so so I'm stoked I'm like I'm gonna in my mind I'm like I'm gonna like, I'm going to have them, I'm going to have them dancing on the desks. They're going to be so excited. Did you literally write Spider-Man? Yes. Yes. So I get in there and it's me and one other speaker.

So they have another, it's, we're in pairs. You got to speak? They just sat at a table. Oh, yes. Well, no one came. I did a little presentation. I did a little PowerPoint. Miriam, what's so great about Jordan?

Just because he's friends with Spider-Man? Well, perhaps they learned from your year. Yeah. So I prepared a little presentation on the various things that I'm involved with. You know, they had some kind of prompt questions. What advice would you give? You know, how'd you get into this? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So I get up there. I got Spider-Man locked. I got animation locked. I got all this Godzilla locked. Ooh, right for Teen Titans Go? It's got teen in the name. So I get up there. And I think these are good.

Good kids. I think they love Miriam. I think she teaches them well. When I got up there, I was subjected to the hardest icing out I have ever received. We're talking, no, no, no one is looking, but heads went down on desks, hoodies went up, and the drawstrings were cinched around faces. Teen's icing bros. Teen's icing, yes. I mean, I didn't even get a smearing off ice out of the deal. I would have loved it. Oh my God, if I could have taken a knee. Now, I think that some of them were listening, and I think this is just teen stuff where you can't show enthusiasm or else you'll be, you know, chided by your peers. And as I was talking and to no one, I realized, oh, my current career isn't cool to a teenager. It's cool to an eight-year-old.

I just overshot this a little bit. But I'm like, okay, well, this is probably just, it's, you know, this is, it's a teen. I think some of them are probably like getting something out of this and it's just they haven't, you know, it's a, you're inspiring them to consider a career in the arts. In Spider-Man. Yeah. And then the other speaker got up who was a physical therapist, which is a, which a pretty, you know. That's, look, physical therapists are healers. Yes.

Their hands-on healers is what I call them. And they're so valuable to our culture. Their job, if they were to describe it, would be a dull description. He's up there. He talked a lot about the value of walking. You've got to get up. You've got to move. But he had gotten...

His motion is the best lotion. There you go. Yes. If there's one thing teens understand. You have to tell them what the new lotion is. You have to tell teens what the new lotion is. Oh, Mr. Morris. Sitting is the new smoking.

and motion. Yes. Mr. Moritz. I'm wondering, what's the new lotion? Oh, it's got to be motion. Hit it. And then my band plays.

Wait, are you Bernie Mac? Yes. Showtime at the Apollo. Yes. I ain't scared of you, motherfuckers? Yeah. Yeah, that's incredible. That's what I should have,

I should have Bernie Mac to them. I should have Bernie Mac to them. I mean, speaking of the value of the arts in contemporary culture. So the physical therapy. had gotten the ask because he is the brother of the beloved gym teacher there. Yeah, this is a jock family. Mr. Martinez.

Physical therapist, that's the job for a jock that also loves college. So I get done. I'm iced out and I'm like, well, surely they're not going to enjoy the physical therapist more than me. He gets up there and he immediately says that he's Mr. Martinez's brother and hands shoot up, hands, hands rock it up. And he calls on one kid. And the kid's like, is it true? Mr. Martinez can dunk?

And then he's like, no, he can't dunk. And they all went, oh! Why didn't you answer that question? Why did you just say? I don't know if Mr. Martinez can dunk. I don't, I don't, I would. I was there and you said they asked you that question first and you said pass. Anyway.

Should we introduce our guest in the show? Oh, Christian, can you book Mr. Martinez. He's not here this week. We have a great guest. I'm sure we're really excited to talk to our guests this week. We're trying to go viral. We would love to go viral. And if we can get Mr. Martinez on camera talking about whether he can do. Mr. Martinez at Gmail, I think. It's probably good place to start. Jordan, before we introduce our guest, can I just mention Christian put up the flyer for this concert? It's all my favorite rappers. Why am I not at this concert scene? Who do we got? Sugar-free? Oh, man, we can make this quick. The Loonies are here.

I'm a Raider, Oakland Raider, from the Bay to L.A. to Las Vegas. We can make this a quick recording, Jesse, and you can get out there. What if the Loonies bring out Mark Curry and they do his part where he says, Bing and Ding. Mr. Cooper himself. Yeah, he's on the song Oakland Raiders. He's a featured artist on the Looney song, Oakland Raiders, and he comes out and he says, and he says, he's from East Idaho where the straight up take your hoe.

Free event. And then he says that he's rolling on 20s, Big Dink. Let's, let's, well, we can make this a quick show. We can get out of here in an hour. You can see Mark Curry from hanging with Mr. Cooper. Doing his rap ad libs. Doing his rap. Adlips.

He doesn't rap, okay. He just does adlips. Do you want to introduce our guest? Yes. Our guest is a stand-up comic. She's known the world over as the Piss Queen. Hayden Johnson. Hi, Hayden.

How are you? Wow, I'm incredible. And I do have a thought immediately about the, about the. Whether Mr. Martinez can dunk. Well, I hear he can't dunk. Have you considered that the teens were scared to show enthusiasm about you in Spider-Man? Because maybe many of them are different Spider-Man's. And so they're kind of getting shy.

They don't want to look like they care and are excited about Spider-Man. Great point. And, Jordan, I don't know if you know this, but they got a whole grip of Spider-Man. They got a ton of Spider-Man. Nicholas Cage is a fucking Spider-Man. And I did hear a lot of them say that they took pictures for the Daily Bugal. Yes, yes. It's kind of freelance, like I got a mean boss.

And so then a physical therapist comes in and starts talking about physical therapy, things like that. And that's actually really helpful to a Spider-Man if you think about it. Yeah, can I ask you a question? Both of you. Jordan, this might be most in your area of expertise. I'm sure you read a lot of Spider-Man comic to prepare for writing Web of Venom. for Marvel comics. Don't discount me.

I know, I know, I know, I know that there are Nicholas Gages of Spider-Man. Great, okay. Here's my question. Spider-Man, Peter Parker, classic Spider-Man. I'm with it so far. How often do you think that guy's at the physical therapist? Do you think, because here's what I'm imagining and tell me if this is off the wall or crazy or whatever, because you guys are... Off the wall.

This guy's on the wall. I'm talking about Spider-Man, because he can sleep to the walls. He does know Spider-Man. He does know Spider-Man. Yeah. Doc, as long as we can all agree that the webs represent jizz. Okay, I don't know.

All right. Okay, okay. So, this is something that everyone knows about Spider-Man. He's an adolescent boy and the webs represent Jiz. His puberty is out of control. That's what it means. That's what Spider-Man is a metaphor for. Okay, anyway.

My thinking here is that maybe he has a friend that's a physical therapist that will, like, see him after hours. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're probably right. I mean, I think the, you know, the spider strength he got after being bit by a radioactive spider, it does help with his healing. So he

does heal faster than most, but also, you know, but he's getting on, he's getting up there. One time my wife, Teresa's back was fucked up, and she talked about it on her former podcast, one bad mother. And a kind listener who lived in Pasadena said, let me know if this is weird,

but I'm a nice listener who lives in Pasadena and I'm a physical therapist. If you want to stop by, I'll unfuck up your back. And Teresa was like, um, that seems worth it. Like, what's the odds of a murder? 15%?

Very low. So she went over there and then every once in a while when her back was fucked up and later when mine was fucked up, just go over there. After the first time, we would give her some money, you know,

just give her 50 bucks or something. But like, to have a physical therapist, you can just text. They're like, yeah, come over. I got a chair at my, I got a table at my house. Yeah, that sounds good.

I feel like maybe with Spider-Man, it's kind of he can't get that because someone says, hey, I heard about what you're doing, Spider-Man, I'd love to come and unfuck up your back. And then Spider-Man goes into the physical therapy and it's dot-gov.

Okay, can I just say, but of all the village to be a physical therapist. Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking, Jordan. I'm thinking, this guy can unfuck up your back. Like nobody's business. Yeah. If he goes and gets the degree now, it's an advanced degree. My cousin Kristen got it.

Uh-huh. So maybe he could ask Kristen just about the ins and outs of how you finance the education and what you need to do. What do you need to take the MCAT? Like, I don't know if you need to take the MCAT. I don't know. But once he's done that, I feel like he could do some great stuff. Yeah.

But then they have to become friends. Have they become friends before? So, yeah, there's a lot of precedent for them teaming up. Doc Gock famously put his consciousness into Peter Parker for a while in the superior Spider-Man. Whoa. Okay. A controversial arc, to be sure. But, yeah.

I mean, my thinking is this, Hayden. Okay. Are they friends now? I mean, he's new to physical therapy. Okay. So in your mind, he's done this. You're going with he's done this. He's become a physical therapist.

Yeah, but he's new to it and he's got to get in his hours. Right, of course. And like, do you think that the vulture is like, yeah, sign me up, Doc? No, he knows what kind of shitty guy, Doc Ock is. And he doesn't know. What he doesn't trust is that he takes his vows seriously, his medical vows. do no harm. And that he's got the experience, I mean, particularly with the vulture who's got

flappy wings, that's causing all kinds of unusual problems. So that's a whole other, that's a whole other field of study. It's a whole other field of study. Ornithology. That's right. And so my thinking is that Doc Ock is kind of inviting Peter Parker slash Spider-Man to get physical therapeutied mostly because he needs the hours and also because they're kind of like friend

like he knows Doc Docok knows like if I fuck up who gives a shit it's it's my nemesis yeah it's kind of like when your cousin is in like cosmetology school or whatever and is like let me cut your hair and it's like a cousin that picked on you yeah yeah yeah

but you're like you know we're all adults now we can get over our differences let me cut your hair let me cut your hair and you're like well free haircut and free physical therapy it's kind of they both benefit did I just Did I just hire my wife's cousin to be our financial advisor? Yeah, I did.

You know, there's a lot of talented cousins out there. I think so. He's very handsome, Tim. Tim. Yeah, Tim Keane. Cool. Look him up, folks. Great name, by the way.

If you need a handsome financial advisor, go holler at Tim Keen. You don't want a handsome guy on your books. He'll start skimming cash so you can go get the jawline stuff done. Right. Yeah, that's how clavicular got started. Yes. He was originally a CPA. He was a handsome cousin who wanted to become more handsome.

He started skimming money to buy hammers to hit himself in their face. Right. A real super villain origin story. Hayden, we skipped something important. I was going to say, speaking of origin stories. A radioactive queen. Now, for your information, Aiden, on our program in the past, we have never had a piss queen. We've had a pissed queen.

We've had a piss duke. We once had a piss d'auphins, which is a sort of monarch in waiting. Whoa. But at that time, the dauphin was still learning to be king or queen. I see. In this scenario, I guess probably they were envy. And they later, when they went to the throne,

they would choose whether to be king or queen. Sure, yes. As many enbies in lunch. I just love a progressive monarchy. That's like what King Charles chose King. Could have gone either way. Pronouns the royal we us. That's right.

Thank you. Yes. Yeah. The British monarchy has always been really far ahead on gender policy. Yeah, I found that too. Britain in general these days, I would say. Old British comedy friends of mine are really cool about stuff. Yes.

Authors, everybody. Hayden, tell me what is a Piss Queen? And we ask you this because it's in your Instagram bio. Yeah, it's probably the name of your comedy tour right now. It is. I mean... Great branding, easy to remember. Exactly.

It shocks the system. It's kind of my thought. I mean, Piss Queen, I think it's a couple of different things. I think one kind of queen of Piss. Like you're good at pissing? Like I'm good at pissing. think two, kind of queen of the places where people can piss, being a bathroom or a human body. And then three, it's kind of like, it's kind of like take back the night.

You know, it's like so many, you know, like I'm taking back the piss. I'm sort of. Yes. So you're holding a vigil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, you know what? Holding a single candle. Yes.

You know when like back in the day, in history, there. There would be like somebody who was kind of crazy and was like, I'm the rightful king, and they would kind of make like an army and then they would kind of try to take the throne. Sure. But they would call themselves king. I feel like that's kind of what I'm doing with Piss Queen, because I don't think everyone recognizes me as the Piss Queen yet. Do you know who the sitting Piss Queen is that you're trying to usurp?

We're going to find out when we get to the castle. Okay. That Russian spy that peed on the president? Oh, I don't think I know that story. That was like a thing from the first time around. It might be. I'm trying to think of who kind of iconic sort of piss women are. I want to be the one, but I don't know.

Who are the great piss women? Well, of course, Dame Judy Depp. Neat. I mean, the stream on that woman. Yeah. At her age, too. Such a powerful stream. I was going to say Catherine Hepburn, but she's more of a pith woman.

She looks great in a safari. Well, when I'm out my army, I'm prepared to kill both of them. Right. Take my throat. Dame Judy Dedge, watch out. Watch out. And Catherine Hepburn, if you decide to come back to life, bad news. Oh, that's right.

Well, I'm sorry. So, okay, so let's go through these qualifications. You say you're good at pissing? Yeah, I think so. I mean, you know, it's like people, people are kind of, I don't know if you've heard about all the kerfuffle with the transgender right now. I'm familiar with the kerfuffle.

Yeah. I've heard a little bit about it. Griffithful's a kind word. I went ahead and got myself Mexican temporary residency. So I'm familiar with the kerfuffle. When people ask me, how does it feel to be trans in America right now?

I say it's a real kerfuffle. Sorry to use such strong language. Well, I don't know. I feel like I got a little sand in my bikini briefs. That's exactly how I feel. I'm steamed, damn it.

Yeah, I'm real teat. And so I'm trying to maybe I feel that I'm great at pissing. I'm trying to piss my way out of it. I'm trying to say, hey, I'm great at pissing. I do it right every time. And one thing about me, every single time to do it right.

The track record on Hayden, extraordinary. She's the oral Hirshizer of urination. People wouldn't believe it. Even when I'm, when I have the flu and I'm sick like Michael Driden for the big game, I'm coming in and I'm pissing perfect quality and completely okay. And that's Drew whether you're peeing in Berkeley, California or Lawrence, Kansas. That's right. Yeah, anywhere I go, I'm pissing completely correct.

And so I'm trying to let people know that, like, hey, I don't know what all the fuss was about about trans people pissing, but I'm doing it right. I'm doing it right. And many of my soldiers of the people in my, what do the king and queen have? Cabinets, not that. Advisors, yes. Many of my courtiers, they're all great at pissing too. Now let's, we can't talk pissing without talking.

Hydration. Jordan, are you guys going into an adjury? We are. Check out water. www. Water.com backslash JJ Go for 50% off water. What's your favorite liquid IV flavor? Yeah.

Jordan, let's talk about hydration. What's your concerns here? No, I just kind of want to know if you have any tips as a Piss Queen. Do you do anything extra to stay hydrated? Yeah, I would say drink a ton of water at one time when you feel really, really sick. I love to drink a lot of water when I'm at a restaurant so much so that the waiter is kind of getting annoyed because they have to keep coming over and filling the water back up.

Right there, with you. Yeah. If you put water in a glass in front of me, I'll drink it all. And then if you put it back in there, I'll drink that. That's right. Drink it up. That's most of how I think I survive as a human. And I do think it scares the people that I'm going to dinner with.

It's just that you're eating out once a day or so for one of your three meals. and that's when you're drinking all your water? Otherwise, I don't drink water because I have a real, I mean, I'm filling my water bottle up every day. I don't have a filter. I don't have a breeder. People say that you kind of need that thing. Can I just say audiences say,

I don't have a filter. Okay. Jesse's tour is no filter, so. Okay. Yeah, hopefully Piss Queen isn't playing in the same night as no filter. Yeah, yeah, because I don't have a filter either, both in the sense that I say gross, fuck that stuff.

and also that the water might have some little metal. Cryptospheritia. Particulates. So you used to tap? You're just tapping it? I'm just tapping it. You know, it's good for your teeth. Okay.

See? The water's fluoridated. I would love for somebody to tell me that I need to get a Brita because maybe I would, but I don't see it. You know what? Just do it like my dad used to do. Buy one of those premium juices that comes in a glass container. container by R.W. Knudsen. Yes.

Get yourself a hazy apple juice from the natural food store. Then drink the apple juice, then lose the top of the jar, but just fill it with water and keep it in the fridge, and that's the water that you drink. Just out of an apple juice container with no top that you've been keeping in your fridge for four years until you get remarried. That does feel quite fancy, almost like a reverse wedding cake that you say. You know what? I was just going to say, this is a lot like.

a reverse wedding cake. It is like a It's like a reverse wedding cake. It's a lot like a reverse wedding cake. That reminded me that literally yesterday I You're saying because it symbolizes his divorce For my mother? Yes, exactly. Well, laugh it up. I'm very familiar with your family history. It's tough for me. I like to research whose parents are divorced

Before I go on a part of us. Yeah, that's really important. You know, you listen to a couple episodes, check out their Instagrams and also find out if their parents are still together and or alive. I go on Ancestry So you already know about Brad? Oh, yeah, big time. My mom's been married to a wonderful band. By the way, obsessed. No, I know. I don't know.

I'm just saying, honestly, Brad, iconic. Yeah. Agree, I'm right there with you. Yellowstone. Trombone. Those are the two things I know.

Had lunch with him once. Right. Aloha shirt. Yep. Yeah, we're getting lunch next week. Wow. Seems really nice. He knows some guys in the Bryant's

It's our orchestra. If you're looking for something to talk about. Holy moly. What do you talk about when you're referring to an orchestra? You're like... He's got an oboe these days. Brian Sessor's got an oboe. Yeah, full string section.

Timpani. Uh-huh. Okay. Yeah. I mean, you've never heard rock this town until you've heard it with a full string section. When he was talking to his business manager, his business manager is like... You can't bring...

Talking about Brian Setser here? Yeah. Okay. You can't bring this. many people on the road. You can't bring a full symphony orchestra. And he said, you think I can perform stray cat boogie

without tuned drums? A timpany is the only drum you can tune. God, to be on a fly on that wall. Right. Anyway, so we were talking about your tubas. We were talking about your water drinking. So you drink compulsively at a restaurant, but never at any other time. Mostly never at any other

until I get a real bad headache. And then I go, I wonder why I feel so sick and bad. But that doesn't stop me from pissing every day. So you're saying you're overcoming you're sort of overcoming obstacles. You're sort of an inspirational story. Yeah, they might not be putting a class of water in front of me every single hour, every single minute. I have a friend who's a high school teacher who's looking for people to speak at career days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I can dunk and I piss every day. You could piss wild dunking. That's right. I'll tell you, kids are going to love it.

My very beloved father-in-law, Steve, truly the most wonderful man on earth. Sorry, Brad. Two wonderful men. Steve is, you know, it's like Highlanders. Oh. Their, my father-in-law, Steve has some food habits. One of them is that when he had to cook for everyone, he would just put all the food into to one, because my mother-in-law was off at graduate school, learning to be a therapist.

He would just put all the food in one bowl, give everyone a spoon, and tell them that was eating European style. Whoa. When I feed him, which he's always so gracious and enthusiastic about it, like you really couldn't have a better guest at your dinner table than Steve. As long as you're cool with all the food being cut into little pieces and then mixed up like a toilet swirl. Uh-huh. Like in a vortex. Right. Kind of like that Kentucky Fried Chicken Bowl.

What is that? The famous bowl, sure. Yeah. Yeah, is that Steve's style is making a little famous bowl? It's like that. But again, it's all cut into the same size pieces and mixed into a sort of paste or slur. Gotcha. So if the famous bowl, I think, has like a base of...

Sort of some intention to it. It has some mash potatoes at the bottom there. and then I think if you just imagine someone took a spoon and vortex it into a sort of potato stew. Okay, so those are the two of the best known things that he does. But another thing that you wouldn't notice unless you're a total freaking Steve Stan, which I am, obsessed. Yeah, and I'm really getting into him right now. Obsessed, iconic. Right.

Is that Steve. Drake turning away. from Bradrick turning towards Steve. I don't need to learn new memes. I know that one. You know what? We saw David after dentist. We know how about internet works.

We're fine. We've seen it. The kid's stoned on dentist drones. Right. So my father-in-law will consume an entire meal without taking a sip of water. Wow. Just kind of. That's his main fucking move is just eat the whole meal.

And he thinks, he feels that the water dilutes his meal. experience. Interesting. Whereas I feel the opposite. If I don't wet my whistle in between bites, I feel like I'm not going to get a good bite. I like a wet whistle too. Whenever somebody said, like, you ask, oh, can I get you a drink?

You know, if you're like serving dinner, what can I get you to drink? And they're like, I'm fine. I assume they're a psychopath. Yeah. Have you thought about pouring a little water in there making it kind of wet food like a dog? It makes its own gravy. Wet food like a dog Wet food.

Because I know I watch Woof, woof, woof, yes. That's right, that's the sound. I think, I mean, I watch dogs quite often and I feel like they're almost never drinking water out of the bowl of water that I'm putting out for them. They're almost always eating that wet, wet food. And then that's kind of a water that they have.

My dog doesn't drink the water so much as share. it with everyone and all our floor. Yeah, yeah. He really spreads it around. When you say you watch a lot of dogs, do you do pet sitting or are you just observing dogs in your day-to-day life? In a hedge. Well, I like to research everyone's dogs before I go on a pod.

That's really smart. That's really smart. Kind of watch them as they go in the backyard. No, I pet sit a lot. I like pet setting. I'm good with a pop. Ooh. Good with a pop.

How are you with another person's house? Good. I mean, it is like, sometimes I feel a little spooky in another person's house because, and I don't know if this is, what I'm about to say is going to sound like a bit and it's going to sound crazy, but it's like, I don't know what enemies they have. Like, I don't know. What if Doc Ack comes over? Yeah. I'm house sitting for Peter Parker who famously has a big big house in the city. He's making a lot of money selling photographs in the daily planet.

I'm watching spider dog. It's got to be a thing. Yeah, I think he's had a dog at some point. Okay. It would make more sense as a cat, really. So I'm watching spider duck and spider cat. I think you're right. It would make more sense for a half human, half spider, to have a pet cat.

Yeah, it would make a lot more sense. It makes more sense. That would make more sense. Well, cats love to climb. Yeah, you're right? You're right? You're absolutely right. I just like, you know, it's like dark and it's kind of spooky.

and, you know, when people have a house, that's a lot of room to cover and walk around. And I don't know if you guys have ever housed that. I kind of love that feeling. I did house sit when I was an apartment dweller in the great city of San Francisco. Okay. My wife and I lived in a look. If I always prioritized having a nice environment within the context, of whatever housing I can afford?

Yeah, sure. I went in nice furniture, you know, antique store, uh, fucking estate sale, et cetera, always. But this was a modest,

a very modest apartment across the street from the projects where, for a little while, there was a murder spree. Is it a spree if it's retaliatory, if it's back and forth? I guess I think of, when I think of a spree, it's something one person does.

Well, 12 people got murdered in a month. Okay. And it was like, Like, all right, that's a lot of murders. Yeah. When you get past eight, you're like... Yeah, sure.

And like once in a while... We gotta do something about this. We gotta take a look at this. Yeah. My wife's boss had a house sit for her. And she had a house that was Woodstock from Peanuts themed. Okay. Very nice lady.

No other things in her house. It wasn't like... It was more that there was like... I would say there was 12 to 15 woodstock from Peanuts things in the house. It wasn't a huge house, medium house. But for us, it was like, oh, she's got cable. But there was just that there was no other features. Yeah.

It's really interesting to me because I've known women who really love Woodstock as well. And Woodstock, a character that does not speak or give any opinions. Doesn't do anything. Do people like Woodstock because they can just project whatever personality. They should like Peppermint Patty? She's a cool lesbian. Yeah, but they don't because that's controversial.

You know, Peppermint Patty speaks out about social issues. Woodstock, quiet on all fronts. And you can, right, and you can assume Woodstock has your political opinions. Yes, exactly. The perfect celebrity, a lot of ways. Yeah, yeah. But I liked the feeling of a weird house with empty rooms that I could go into and look around in. Not because I'm not in a snoop way,

but just like that I would have the opportunity to kind of slide into a new space. And to me, what I have always, you know how some people are like, once the kids move out of the house, then we are going to get a piettaire in Paris. And we're going to, you know what I mean? And they're like,

and we're going to get, we're going to get a studio in Soho and a pieter in Paris because we don't need the extra room. we're going to prioritize. I'm like, no. I want to be old wandering around an abandoned house with rooms that people don't even go into. That's what I want. I want different rooms for different fucking days of the week. I don't want to live in like a,

I want to live in an abandoned mansion that has always been my goal. And you can't generate that feeling with three loud ass children running around. But you can if it's just you and your beautiful wife. You can just wander. I was like, I'm going in to the same. sewing room. I don't sew, but I want a sewing room. What condition do you want this house in? Because I'm

imagining kind of... I don't want it to be gross. Yeah, not great gardens. I wanted to be clean. Okay. But it's okay if it's a little spooky. That doesn't bother me. When you go into some rooms, there are some cobwebs. There could be cobwebs or just like

something fell over. You're like, but you haven't been in there for four or five days. And you're like, did the Could just be naturally falling over. Did a cat get in and knock it over? Or like, but like someone dusts it, not me. Someone not me dusts it.

Someone comes once a week or something and dusts it. Maybe there's like a guy with hedge trimmers. You want a groundskeeper. Yeah. Okay. I think having a groundskeeper sounds incredible. Yeah. Lives on the property.

You don't really know where. Sure. I don't really want grounds. I want the groundskeeper much more than I want. rounds. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're kind of the wisest people. Or at least they have a lot of wisdom. They have a lot of wisdom. They know what the they know secrets. That's right. I mean, they know how to get out of the hedge

maze. That's a great point. That's a great point. That's going to come in real handy when you chase the cat. The cat gets spooked by something in the house and runs out to the hedge maze. You got to find the cat. Pierre, get me out of the edge maze. I need to get out. Oh, weewee, he's French. French groundskeeping. He's French. He wears one of those blue French chor coats,

like Bill Cunningham from the New York Times. Let's do this. Let's have Christian pull up some diagrams of local hedge bases. So we can make sure that even if we don't have a groundskeeper, we know how to get out. And then we can come back and do a little bit more. I'm just going to go see Sugar Free. Yeah, sure.

We can finish up here. Jesse. He's got that one song where he goes, I keep my hair done. I speak well and watching my cholesterol, live by body water, and I enjoy drinking alcohol. Beautiful. It's a great one. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go.

It's Jordan Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, thank you for getting me a widow poison. No, I love to give you widdle nummies. Now, here's the thing. Number one, I am

planning to eat the comic book that you came. Good. You need that roughage. I know you've been worried because there's that diary outbreak. So you haven't been getting your roughage. So I want to give you a nice, safe, pre-washed comic book to eat. I'm making compost inside my stomach. And while I've eaten a lot of coffee grounds, I need what they call brown matter.

Right. I don't have any dried leaves right now. So I'm going to eat the comic book instead. But I had been going to the comic book store very regularly with my daughter Scarlett, who reads comic books right now. Yeah. And every time I get there, there's this sign that says they're all sold out of Baby Garfield. Listen, Baby Garfield, the series, to which I contributed to issue three.

Yeah. It's been hot, and I think it's a smaller print run. So if you see it at your local comic book store, make sure to grab it or wait for the collection that comes out later. Anyway, you were nice enough to bring me a Baby Garfield. Yeah, that shit's rare now. So slab it up. So I should sell it? You should slap it?

Maybe. I'll slab it. Slab it. Do they, how do people feel about a DIY slabbing? Oh, you're going to self-slab? I figured I just shall lack it. Yeah, I don't know if you have, I don't know what slabbing is. But anyway, I'm sure you can find some laying around.

Yeah. Some slab materials. Yes. Great. Oh, you also have the web of venom is going on right now, right? So the upcoming Marvel series written by me and drawn by artist Luke Ross is called The Amazing Venom. It has five issues.

It is a Marvel Comics road trip through some of the craziest crevasses that that particular comic book universe has to offer. You know this guy boomerang, Jesse? You know Spider-Man's greatest enemy boomerang? He has a variety of boomerang. Ex-professional baseball player

once killed by a vampire. He's great. We love him. This is the story of that. Scummy weirdo getting an alien symbiote and having to get it back home. home to its home planet. Like when Spider-Man had his black suit?

Yeah. Yeah, I know a lot about Spider-Man, too. Better. It's better than that classic comic book. This is good for me and how people think of me on the internet. It's better. Yeah, it's a lot of fun. You can pre-order it now, and you can go to bit.

com. com, go to bit. ly-slash goo friends. And you can get all five issues signed by me. and then mailed to you from a great shop called Collectors Paradise. Oh, that's the one that had never had the... The Garfields. The Garfields that I wanted.

Well, if you don't want them to sell out of... It is a great store. It is a really nice store. If you don't want them to sell out of the Amazing Venom, make sure you pre-order it. It's going to be a lot of fun. They're so nice there. Jesse, how are things going over in the Put This On shop? Has someone bought the Touched by an Angel Crew jacket?

Quick update on the Touched by an Angel crew jacket. size double extra large. It has not been purchased from the Put This On Shop at Put This Onshop. We have sold some of the nice slash beautiful things that are available in the store, but there are many more available, including lately, Jordan, ladies' jewelry. The crew jacket is not beautiful? No, it's beautiful. Okay.

No, you're right. It's beautiful. Okay, sorry. I thought you were putting in a different category. Just wanted to make sure. No, it's beautiful. And so is the Bounce crew jacket from... The film Bounce.

That's inscribed with love from Ben Affleck and Gwyneth Paltrow, B.A. and G.P. specifically. Incredible. Anyway, that's all at Put This Onshop.com. Okay. So, you know, people should go and go to put this on shop.com and do their shopping. This bounce check, it's only $80. Oh, my God, that's a bargain.

It's a personal gift from Ben Affleck and Gantro. From BA and GP. Oh, hey, and if you're listening to this the week it comes out, San Diego Comic-Con, I will be there Friday and Saturday. Check out social media for my schedule. Blue Sky and Instagram, it's right up there. Come see me, get some comics, say hi. How much for a picture?

Free. What about VIP experience? Free. The VIP experience is free? Yeah, and that's sex. It's free. All right, look, I don't know a lot about business. Free!

All right. Refractory period pending. be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris Boy Detective. Hayden Johnson, Piss Queen, mounting the revolution. Looking for a piss army. That's right.

Join up. You know who join a piss army? A bunch of piss. That's a good point. Piss freaks. Guys, I thought of another good thing that Shookafree says. Oh, sure.

He says, B, if I say a fleak, a pull a tree, you could a chain and hook his little ass up. Sounds great. Yeah, that's great. I wrote that once after waking up from a crazy dream.

I scribbled that down. An incredible dream. You are touring the nation. You're crisscrossing the nation right now. That's right. I mean, not right now. Right now you're sitting on this blue couch here in our office.

But in a medium, term. Yeah. Temporally. When this, when this goes up for listening, you will be

somewhere performing comedy. I'll be watching the tree is fast. Are you, are you just like going from, from Go Bananas in Cincinnati to

rooster tea feathers in Sunnyvale to no, but Go Bananas was the first club that I ever performed comedy at. Really? Crazy ball.

Where is Go Bananati? Where is Go bananas? Go bananas is in like, I want to say it's like Montgomery, Ohio or so, but Cincinnati, and it's in one of the little sections of it and one of the little sections of the city, one of the neighborhoods. That's what I was looking for. But I did, they had a pro-am mic that I did in. This was all jokes about RC Pro-Am.

Yeah, and it was really hard because I, you know, you go through so much material so quickly. Nobby tires, let's like. You guys like the missile or the bomb better. What's your favorite power up. That's you starting some crowd work. Yeah. There were, which goes great online these days. There were 10 comedians on that show. We all did 30 minutes. And it was all about that. Yeah, that's, yeah, go bananas.

Christian was nice enough to project the Go Bananas logo up on a screen where we can see it. It's a muscular yellow combo. Pretty fuckable. Yeah, pretty hot. I almost won the funniest person in Cincinnati contest in. in 2018, I want to say, but I lost... Over Travis McElroyd.

That's right. Yeah. But then I lost it to a youth pastor. Oh, bummer. Yeah. Which is fine. You should have turned your chair backwards. Yeah.

I should have been wearing some cool ripped jeans. You know who was pretty six, seven himself? Seven years before anyone had any idea. This guy invented six seven. That night. Yeah, it was crazy. He'd be so bad. What, okay.

So, the whole tour started seven years ago. It goes to me. Yeah, started it seven years. Where are you headed now? Where have you been? I've been, I just did San Francisco and Colorado Springs and New York. Colorado Springs is a very conservative town, isn't it? Isn't it like famously conservative town?

Famously conservative. And people were really being rude. about, I mean, you say I'm going to a city and then they go, don't go there. They're going to get you. Do they say don't go there? They're like, don't go there.

Or they act like, I'm dumb. Like, I didn't look up the cities that I'm going to. Which is frustrating because I obviously did. Well, you looked up Colorado, but then you got bored of typing I looked up Colorado and then I threw a dart at my computer and it smashed the whole screen.

And you're like, I'll just go wherever. Yeah. And, but so you, I'm going there and people are like, don't go there. But there are queer people there. What I'm learning with touring is that like, people think that I can only go to Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, really, and like maybe three other cities along the way. But there are a lot of queer people and trans people everywhere. And my audience can be other people besides that. Still, jury's still out on if they're ever going to. come to a show. But, yeah, I don't know.

I'm going to, like, the local gay bar in, like, a smaller city. And I'm having a great time. And people, like, come out for those, I think. It feels, like, special and fun. I really like that. How are you traveling city to city? Private jet. Private jet.

I've got, it's kind of me and Kevin Hart were trade keys to the jet. Oh, and you use it Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Kevin uses it Tuesdays. Thursdays. This is sort of like my parents and me when I was again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kevin Hart and I both have custody of the jet. My parents were divorced. Yeah, I know, and I understand

I don't need to explain it to you. I told you of all people. You did research. You of all people. Why are you my I was on the Ancestry.com for you, of course, and it's cool that they've had that new divorce feature. Just a big axe and the line that's all that

finding your roots with Henry Lewis Gates is about now is just they were divorced, they weren't divorced. They weren't divorced. They weren't divorced. They had slaves, but they weren't divorced. And it is your fault. He says it's your fault that they're divorced. Yeah, yeah, go in. Oh, I thought slavery was your fault.

Oh, no, the divorce. Both a little bit. Slavery is a long. Listen, we can't get into that. Tired of Henry Lewis Gates blaming me for slavery. So how do you get from town to town? I'm doing... You and Kevin Hart?

Yeah, I mean, Kevin Hart have the jet. and when I don't have the jet, I'm doing bus, I'm doing different airlines. It's good, by the way, that you've reconciled with noted homophobic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know. I don't know how he feels about gender nonconformity. We laugh and we laugh. And does...

At the end of the day, why become a comedian if you can't take a joke? Yeah, and does he say bad stuff about gay guys all the time? Yes, but so do I. And so it's like, it's not even... a big deal. It's not a big deal. It's so fun to watch a movie. And you gotta love those funny credit card commercial.

They're funny. And I love it when for a long time I couldn't figure out where to do my sports gambling. Right. Yes. I had no codes. I had no codes. And I'm glad that they were like, you know who doesn't get enough work and show business?

Yeah. Well, you know, now it was so great because I, what I was really lacking as a comic and as an entertainer was like a really capitalistic mindset. on how to like, you know, commodify myself. And Kevin hooked me up with Fandwell, hooked me up with Kelchis. It was actually Kevin Hart who originally pitched that you trademark Piscreet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And turn it into a health drink company. I was inspired, he said. I was inspired by the original Kings of Comedy to focus on branding. Yeah, that's right. We'll look out when they may, I'm not going to be in the next three Jibonji's,

but when they get to Jiamongi 6. That's your Jamonji. He said I have a big girl in that Jamonji. A lot of, you know, a lot of comedians don't actually come up with their hook. It's when they first auditioned to become a regular at the store. Mitzi says, you're a piss queen. Yeah, yeah. That's my impression of Mitsy Shore, who I don't know how she talks.

Is that, that's the store person? I think that's right, right? I don't know. I don't go over there. Yeah, you do. You know, you're always constantly headlining at the comedy store. Yes. I'm out there.

smoking six cigarettes and blowing them in tourist's faces. Right. And I don't care about this stuff. So how are you, what we're trying to get to is that you mentioned that you ride Greyhound buses to some of these places because I, we're impressed, we refuse to get there. No, I'm on buses. Buses are both beautiful. Here's something that I've become big on since touring more, which is just the public transit

in any given city. I really like going to a city that has public transit or a strong presence. Many of them don't. I was doing the buses in Boise, Idaho. And I was getting around great. And I had the thought to myself. I was like, you know, I think people discount the bus often. But you know what Hayden says.

Bus is here. Oh, Boise. Oh, Boise. Oh, Boise. Oh, Boise. I can't wait to get on the bus. Guys, I'm so fun that I'm just going to leave and go to the sugar-free concert. Yeah, you've provided us with plenty of fun.

Yeah. We'll just stay here. I don't know, you fuckers anything. You don't. We never said you did. We're always talking to our fans. Oh, okay. Oh, that's fine, yeah.

And then I'm doing the Greyhounds and the Flix buses and the bus and they got different, they had, oh. So sometimes you're riding, sometimes you're riding a free Wi-Fi bus. Yes, sometimes. Sometimes no. But what's beautiful. What's the hierarchy here? We got our Flicks Bus. We got our Greyhound.

We got our Peter Pan bus lines. We got a Chinatown jitney. Yeah, I don't have a strong hierarchy. I will say I have been wronged by Greyhounds consistently. I got on a Greyhound from New York to Boston. They stole your first wife. They stole my first wife. Yeah.

More than one person can look up divorces. Yeah. And it broke down. The bus broke down immediately. And then we sat there for two hours. And I have a show to get to. And then we got on another bus. That bus also breaks down about an hour in.

And then very quickly another bus comes. And I'm able to get to Boston and do the show in time. But it was crazy to have two buses break down. When a bus breaks down, are people on the bus freaking out? Or are they just dealing with it? It's actually maybe one of the most beautiful community moments. you can have because everyone on the bus has sort of a different

story. I don't know if you guys have ever thought about that. No, I refuse. I never think of the stories of others. Only my story. I knew there was a lot of stories in New York City. Yeah. Well, that's a big thing. It's my favorite character in a movie when it's one of the characters. In a lot of ways, New York City

is a character in the film. Yeah. Oh, I've thought about that before, but I've never articulated it quite like that. but so everyone's got a different story and then you all are standing outside and you're waiting for this bus to come and you're kind of bonding over wow how crazy that

this bus broke down again and you're kind of learning like what's going on and I had a moment where after the bus broke down a second time I was like I might take a car to go get a rental car would some of you guys be interested in like we split all that together

and then we all get to the six because there's a rental car place not too far away. So I was like, if this takes too long, let's do it. And I had two people who were like, let's do it. And we could have had like a cross-country adventure. Those two people could have become my best friends, but ultimately another bus came. Or you sort of like you would grudgingly come to recognize their humanity,

like Steve Martin with John Candy. Yeah, yeah. That could have been a beautiful story, but unfortunately another bus came and then I immediately pushed one of them down to get on the bus. Out of my way. Shotgun! They suddenly became another peasant to me in the way of reaching my dream.

The queen is here! Hey, speaking of beautiful communities, we have a beautiful community of listeners. Can I kick a moment to give a shout out to a listener? Oh, yeah, that'd be fun. They'd love that. They'll be geeking out. Jordan, remember when I told you that I went to the Warhammer store with Frankie, my nine-year-old? Yes.

My nine-year-old is obsessed with the figurine. painting, grim, dark, sci-fi fantasy, board game, table game, Warhammer. I am so upset

when I find out about other people's cool kids because I'm like, damn, kids are getting to be nerds now. Yeah.

No one beats them up either. Yeah, they all think it's cool. Well, but don't tell anybody. Jesse's beating his kids up. You're doing classic like 80s bully stuff to them. Wedgy, swirlies.

I'll log that in the end. I actually got, I bought lockers because I didn't have anything to push them into. I see, yeah. You give them lunch money and then take it away. My nine-year-old Frankie loves Warhammer. And there is a Warhammer store in Glendale that we go to sometimes. Oh, I know it. And it's right, it shares a storefront with a Starbucks full of guys who are wide at the top and narrow at the bottom.

Sure. sort of the community of people. Yeah, yelling at somebody on speakerphone. Yeah. You hate a guy with no ass. I do. The guy's got no ass. You're like, get out of here.

Yeah. Give me somebody with a dumper. Yeah. Why's that Frappuccino not going down there? Right. And where's it going? Frankie is best Warhammer friends with Stuart Wellington of the flop house. Yes.

Our friend Stu used to run a chain of Warhammer stores or something when he was fresh out of college and he still loves to paint little guys and he aspires to be a Warhammer celebrity and Stu is so kind

he shows his new builds to Frankie and then Frankie shows off his new builds to Stu. It's really sweet. It's really lovely and we were at the Warhammer store in Glendale and Frankie had just bought a new mini and I was like, oh, we should make a little video

where you tell Stu about the new mini that you got and we recorded it. And then I turned to Kyle, the man that runs the Warhammer store. It's a one employee store as far as I can do. It's just Kyle because there is a lunch break. So I assume it literally is just Kyle. I think that's how most kind of comic-oriented stores or board game stores are.

Yeah. So Kyle, I turn to Kyle and I say, oh, Frankie has a grown-up friend who really loves Warhammer. And so when we buy something, when we buy something, sometimes we like to tell them about it. Because I was like, this is weird, that we're doing this in front of Kyle at the counter of the Warhammer store.

And Kyle says, his name's Stu? Yeah. He said, does he have a podcast? And he said, yeah, he's one of the hosts of the hit podcast, The Flop House. And he says, I know that podcast. That's a great podcast. Hey, worlds collide.

So I text Stu on my way home, voiced a text. I'm not, look, I'm a safe driver. Thank you. My kid's in the car. You're welcome. Were you in the car as well? That was, yeah. Just watching my dogs.

When I can't get on a bus, I like to climb in the back of a car. And I text Stu, I tell him. Stu says I to Kyle, right? So today, I went back to the Warhammer store with Frankie. Frankie's buying Gracie a Warhammer figurine for her birthday. That's nice. It's what he can come up with. with re-naceness.

And I'm there and Kyle's there. And I say to Kyle, hey Kyle. Stu says hi. He was really honored that you, he was really proud

that he was famous to you. And Kyle says, Kyle says, oh, yeah, that guy's podcast is great. And he says, I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't want to be weird,

but I listened to George Jesse Go too. Hey, there we. And he said, only thing bigger than this is when if he wanted away came in. I was like, fair enough. This Kyle gets to meet all his favorites. Fair enough. If he came in, if he usually is building gondoms, as far as I know.

Sometimes he'll build others, things probably. Sometimes he's building minis. Anyway, I just want to say, this Kyle at the Warhammer. Shout out to Kyle. This Kyle, this Kyle is running. This place is spitting. and span. Wow.

These nerds that are in there, painting of figurines and having war battles with their orcs, are always without fail. Patient and nice to my nine-year-old child. My nine-year-old goes in there to correct them about things. They are so nice about it. Gorgeous. Also, today I want to say I saw a handsome guy come in with this pretty girlfriend.

It was incredible. Nerds can be anybody these days. It's really true. The world has changed so much. I got bullied out of a Magic the Gathering tournament when I was a kid. Oh, wow. They were so mean to me. Because you were too nerdy?

No, because I didn't understand the rules as well as everyone else. I was maybe 12, 13. You fucked up tapping the mana. Yeah, yeah. Well, my older stepbrother standing behind me looking at my cards and the guy that I'm playing, sorry I'm triggered. But the guy that I'm playing goes, Raff brings the Raff over.

I'm 12 or 13. This guy's going to wipe the floor with me. You didn't even know that was Ruff. You thought it was just a guy on break from football. Yes, yes. They do dress like referees. And they come over and I get disqualified. I get disqualified from the tournament.

You got D-Qed. I fucking narked on you. Yeah, and I never went again. And so. But you know what, Hayden? The good news is you're there with your older brother. you get DQ'd, guess where you go? DQ, get yourself a Buster bar.

Get a Dilley bar. Sure. You know what? You earned it. It's cool that people can be handsome and nice over there now. It was nice. I didn't say this guy was nice. I didn't speak to this guy.

Okay. And his girlfriend looked pretty confused as to why she was there. But I will say... You've got to do things as a couple, you know? I will say that these patient beirdos that paint things with little one-thing brushes and spend their Sunday afternoons at the work. or a store. These people are extraordinary.

And you know who's the nicest of them all? Kyle. Kyle. Kyle greets my nine-year-old with grace and cheer each and every time. And then my nine-year-old wants to tell him about chaos space marines. Uh-huh. And Kyle says, yeah, have you thought about this one? That's how you run a small business.

Okay, anyway. If something momentous happens to you, like you go to the Glendale, like you go to the Glendale, You go to the Glendale Warhammer store And you actually meet the real Kyle I did not ask him if I could use his real name It's there on his name. This is great. This is good.

What's the name of the store? Warhammer store. Okay. Yeah, Warhammer, it says on the outside. Look for the Warhammer that's next to the Starbucks. When you're working front of house, you are a public figure. There you go. And he is F-O-H.

Yeah, okay. This guy is not just in the kitchen. Yeah. Give us a call of something momentous. 206, it happens to you. 206-9-84-4-fund, or just get out that voicemail, that voice memo app. We're talking to it, blah, blah, blah, blah, bra, blah, bra, and then email it to JJGo at maximum fun.org.

Say words, not just that noise. Say words. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Christian, and esteemed guest. This is Max, calling from North Carolina for your famous segment, Funny Church Signs. This one read, sunscreen prevents sin burn. And as you can imagine, sunscreen was spelled S-O-N rather than S-U-N. I wanted to add a question to this one and ask, Is sunscreen- spelled S-S-O-S-W?

Can you pause for a second? From now on, all calls need a book group guide. Yes. And this is great. Let's open it up for discussion. Uh-huh. Get us going. I love this.

Okay. We'll play what his question was again, Christian. Is sunscreen spelled S-O-N a company? word? Love you guys so much. Thank you for the show. That's a great question. You know what?

I think sunscreen is a condom. Yeah. Like Jimmy Hat. Yeah, sure. Yeah. I mean, it's fun to ask if this is a come word, if that's a come word, if that's a come word. And like, obviously there's some words are, some things are just come things of sauce is a cum word. Spider-Man is a cum guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, we're talking about the son of God. Right. And. J.C. I don't think, I do not, in my opinion, think that sunscreen is a come word. That guy's never come even one time. He has dried hard.

Do you think that's true? It's the antidepressant that he's on. Oh. Do you think that's true? because I would have assumed that J.C. was J. Owen all the time on account of he's wearing that loose robe. If he's getting hard, that's going to show up in all the pictures. It will. Yeah. Okay.

So you're thinking when the team photographer comes for picture day. To take the picture of the last supper. The last supper and many other events, the marketplace. Or just him and the disciples in their softball. Yeah, yeah, stuff. Just hanging out. When they win the championship game. Yeah.

You're saying he might pop a boner. Yeah. You might get a hard ding-don. Yeah. That's a fair way to say that. That's a non-blastomous way to say that. Sure. I don't want to blaspheme.

No, let's not blaspheme on the podcast. Right. Jesus Christ had a ding-doll. God and man Twixed one. There's no getting around it. I have a bumper sticker on my car. Jesus, Grace, had a penis.

That's it. That's not blasphemous. It's not just a fact. It's not just a fact. I read it. If you think Jesus had a penis. Yeah. And if you're not honking, what do you think he had down there?

He's smoothed down there? You tell me, James Talarico. Christ is non-binary too? James Talarico, hashtag political satire. Jesus Christ confirmed trans guy? That's crazy. Crazy. We're breaking that here.

I read it on a website, but my point is, my point here is, the answer is no. That is not a come word. It is not a come phrase. It's not about come. J.C. can J.O. all the live long D-A-Y, but it's still not going to make sunscreen.

I mean, is he imagining that Christ is glazing someone? I don't think he is. Like Mary Magdalene or whatever? Jesse, our listener seems nice, but they weren't thinking. They weren't thinking. They were just running their fucking mouth. Too busy blaspheming.

The Holy Ghost is so much. mad right now. Yeah. I mean, a sunscreen is how I keep track of people's sons. Right. I have a bunch of those in my house. You have a sun tracker. You press the enhance button from time to time.

Yeah, yeah. Computer, show me sons. I have kind of a Jarvis-ask computer, but it can only show me different sons. Right. If I don't know who a guy's parents are, then I don't know how to, how to, how to had a lock in on him. Good morning, Hayden. Would you like to see some fresh sons today?

I'm often seeing a fresh son. Kind of getting to know their story. Every son has a different story. And there's stories everywhere. Welcome to all there, Hayden. I've prepared your ear gray tea. Would you like to lay your eyes upon a man, child? I would.

I would. Thank you. That was the sound it makes me. They show me as. sun walking around in New York City. I'm not through all the sons in New York yet. But once I do, I'm going to hit the different cities. Look, there's a lot of stories in New York.

That's a lot of stories. Including those told by the city itself, room is a character. Jordan, in some ways, New York is the son of New Amsterdam. It's taking me a long time to get through all the different sons. I'm glad you brought up sons. I have been wondering something, Jordan. So I have a son, my son, Frankie.

Yeah, yeah, just go ahead and get up. You can truncate this. You can truncate this and just say it. So I have a total of three children with my beautiful wife. My wife and I can truncate this, Jesse. You can just ask me and I'll do it and we'll go to break. Brought into the world three children. It does not need to be so long.

One of which is a son. It's kind of a hostile towards me. My youngest child, Frankie. My youngest child, Frankie. Now, Jordan, here's my question for you. Yeah, yeah, sure, just go. So I've had so much fun with Frankie. Go, go, go, go, go.

Ask. For example, we went to the Warhammer store together today to choose a Chaos Space Marine for Grace's birthday. Jordan, do you have a son? Have you ever thought about having a son? Okay, I'll do it fine. I'll do it fucking fine. I gotta get a son. I'm working on it.

Hayden, this is like a long-running thing that we do. Jesse's running around. He's running around the thing. You're working. on getting on it. It's been going on for three, four, five years. When was the first time? Christian, Christian.

I don't know what it means. Was that your first? I got to get a son? No. Okay, so Chris? Yeah, we do it every episode. Yeah. Anyway.

I mean, Hayden brought it up. I mean, I did bring it up. I did bring it up. So, but, and I'll know, I don't know if we're going to talk after this, but this is the first time we're all meeting. But whenever you have a son, he woke him up on my son. He will come up on the sunscreen. Because I've lost you with someone I know and can identify.

I'm glad that you mentioned this. In addition to mentioning Sons that are really important part of our program. Jordan Jesse Go, a legacy of sons. I'm glad that you brought up whether we'll talk after the program. Yeah. My plan right now is no. I'm thinking. Thinking no.

To some extent Christian may have to speak with you just in order to get you. your parking validation ticket unless you already got that. Yeah, no, I got that. I got that. Oh, then we won't. No, then we won't. No, that's fine. You guys were extremely cold before we started the rain. At the end of it,

like, ultimately, like, I could ask you to bring your drinking water glass down to the sink, but I'll just let, I'll just leave it. I'm just going to mum up and just have Christian bring it down if Hayden doesn't. Yeah, and I noticed that a Christian has a

claw that they're using to pick up the claws? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Litter picker, like a litter picker. Yeah, we also have Christian pick up the litter out from. That's part of his, part of his responsibilities. And I'm going to do the opposite. I'm going to actually become too communicative and just text you, how's it going? And you're like, I've got to fucking deal with this.

What is this guy fishing for? Are we friends? You're like, are we friends? It'll come at a weird hour. Yeah, I'm friendly, but. Plenty of people do that already. to the list. I love that. Okay. Let's do this.

Let's compile lists of people who are going to text. How's it going to? We're still looking for people's spouses and partners to call in. We are. Yeah, that's an ongoing thing. 206-9844-fund. That was the first thing I thought of when I saw this girlfriend of the handsome guy in the Warhammer store.

Well, the first thing I thought of was I guess this is the price she has to pay for having a handsome boyfriend. Occasional trips to the Warhammer store with him. She's probably kind of curious. see what he's interested in maybe. I don't know. There could be the bane of her life.

I don't know. I don't know. It takes up a lot of time. It's like, it's like a, I'm a widow. My husband. I'm a widow of golf. Yeah. And that's like when your husband dies playing golf.

Sure. Because usually lightning strike. That happens off. Yeah. Probably. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, in newspaper comic strips, I think. 206-944 fun.

give us a call, hand the phone to your partner or spouse who hates the show and have them explain why. We want notes. They don't need to have like a, they don't have a full exegesis of a program or something. We're really just looking for a little

bit of feedback and it can't be vibes-based. Like, they don't have to have actually, a lot of these people have not heard the show. And we don't need them to hear it. No. They don't need to hear it to tell us what they don't. I mean, if they have heard it, they'd have more specific feedback, but like, if they haven't heard it, they've just gotten a kind of vibe off of

they seems like it brings out the parts of their partner they don't like. Some of them could just make criticisms about their partner, right? That's something you would love to hear. Call us, what's wrong with your partner? You know, we're changing the, we're changing the segment. And you guys specifically said no gay partners, right? Hold on! That was the only thing you guys said to me before he started the show was you went, I

hope no gay partners called. Oh, I hope no one did gay calls. Oh, I would be so. I'd get so, I'd be squirming in my seat if anyone gay called. Oh, I wouldn't know what to do. You know, one time a gay person called. Wow. And it was really like I had sand in my bikini briefs.

Oh, boy, I got so cheezed off. It was a real kerfuffle in the studio that day. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Hi there, sorry to interrupt your podcast listening time. I know you're doing the dishes right now. That's okay. I don't worry about it. You might not know me, but I'm Brenda,

and I'm here to tell you about the podcast I host with my good friend Austin. It's called Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries, and we cover all kinds of pop culture topics. Like, did you know that there was a real-life replica of the Simpsons House in Las Vegas, Nevada? Or that Flint, Michigan was once home to an indoor amusement park themed around the automobile? If those things sound interesting, you should definitely check us out. out every Tuesday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get podcasts. Goodbye.

You can get back to your dishes now. It's fine. Hi, my name is Brea Grant and I host Reading Glasses and Reading Smut. And I'm here with Max Fun member of the month, Nick Roy. Thank you so much. What episode would you recommend to a new listener who's just jumping in for the first time? Definitely the one where it's like, let's talk about reading lessons. Because as someone who started listening, what, seven years in, even I was like,

oh, that's why we say that. Oh, my God. Mallory's going to love that you said that because she really was like, we got to tell people more about ourselves. I'm like, we just talk about ourselves every week. What would you say to other people who are considering supporting maximum fun shows? I would say if you want to keep listening to content that you enjoy and you want to support the creators, oh no, I just won't get a Starbucks once a week and I give you guys 10 bucks a month.

Sounds good to me. I love that. And listen to Nick. Nick's a librarian. He knows what he's talking about. Support the shows you love, including this one. Check the show notes for a link or go to maximum fun.org slash join.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio, sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hayden Johnson, piss queen of the revolution. Okay, so we have an update from Christian Duenas on the boards. Hi, Christian, how are you? Hello, I'm doing all right.

How are you? It's great to talk to you. Hey, you're doing a great job producing the show, buddy. Yeah, we're really grateful to have you on board, Christians. It's nice to see you every week, as well as when we see each other at the office during the work week. And then it's great to know that our show is in such great hands. Now, Christian, in the break, we had to interrupt you because you were going to tell us off air about your new hobby and interest. But we needed to save it for the air.

What is your new interest? Christian Dwaynez. It's not new, but it's semi-new, maybe within the past year or so. I really got into the video game. Warhammer 40K Space Marine 2, which made me very interested in the world of Warhammer. So I am now reading Warhammer books. I'm on my second Warhammer novel, and it takes place in the year 30,000. So it's a prequel to see how things got so crazy.

10,000 years before the events of Warhammer 40K. Okay. Christian, I've heard that game's great too. I kind of want to try it. It's like it slaps, dude. That shit's so good. Is that the one where it's like an overhead of a guy going around? No, it's like third person behind the shoulder and you like kill a bunch of Xenos and chaos guys and whatnot.

You're talking about chaos space marines? Yeah, chaos space marines. The heretical whatever's. Okay, Christian. Yes. What's the protagonist of this novel that you read? First of all, what's the title of the novel you're reading? Well, it's a series and the series is like 32 books.

I'm not going to finish this one. I think you can do it. I would rather not. Christian, I believe in you. I have other books too. But the name of the main guy, his name is Garville, Garville Loken, I think. Garville Loken, that's a sci-fi name. And it's part of the Horace Heresy.

What kind of guy is he? He's a space marine. So he's a big, big boy. They do not take small boys into space marines. Absolutely not. Or any women at all. What's your favorite part of the lore that you've learned about so far? I like that they squish guys

They're really small You know like they squish because they're so huge That they're like tanks you know And it's just cool And they squish them They squish them Because they're so tiny You know

Like I'm pigeoning your face Exactly Wait the big guys Squished little guys Well they squish the Zinas You know like the little The little alien guys And it's pretty cool

You know I like saying that And it's cool hearing about the lore Of the world You know, like, journalists apparently still exist in the year 30,000. Which journalist? I'm going to say Tom Brokow. My first thought is Tom Broke.

Maybe I should be going to be a lot. Slate magazine still exists. I'm going to say Peter Parker's dog? Peter Parker's dog. Peter Parker's dog is also a journalist. Working for the Daily Buckel. Bugal. There you got it.

Daily Beagle. We'll let it in. We'll let it have presented it to where you say the Daily Beagle. Because that's what I say the Daily Beagle, because that's what is in my house. Delete the rest of the show for Daily Beagle. Just have Hayden saying Daily Beagle, put that out

as the podcast. Haden, include the ad read if you need the money. Hayden, where are you going? What destinations do you have on your tour upcoming? I'm going to be in Chicago. I'm going to

be in Cincinnati. I'm going to be in Columbus, Ohio. I'm going to be in Nashville. I'm going to be in Louisville. I'm going to be in Austin. I'm going to be be in Dallas. All beautiful cities, and I'm excited

to be in all of them. It's incredible. Tickets are on my Instagram. Tickets on Insta. Go see the show. God damn you. Hayden Johnson's Instagram. That's right. Type Piss Queen into

Instagram. That might get you a variety of results. Type a woman comedian loves Piss into Google and then see if I come up. Because I've been really trying to corner that search because I know people are looking that up all the time. SEO so important.

Yeah, yeah. No more than ever. I think so. Ultimately, Richard Jenny sort of cornered male comedian loves piss. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're going to have to go with. Does Richard Jenny famously love piss?

No, I just picked a comedian, male comedian. I think he might not be alive. He might not be. Don't think he's alive. Rest in peace. RIP to the platypus man. Well, Kevin Hart might have that too. You know, he's cornered so much of them.

He is the guy's just, his trademarks, a lot of stuff. Judding Jaw, he cornered that market, short king. Yeah, Nike told me that they weren't willing. They were thinking about doing a shoe collab with me, but they weren't willing to do it because I already did it with Kevin, and it didn't go well. So, you know, he's really ruining a lot of stuff for me. You're going to have to go over to Adidas.

I know. Man, I don't want an Adidas shoe. You know what? Worked for Farrell. Okay. And I'm a lot like Farrell. And many. Not a ways.

You're a lot like for real. Well, I'm having that Lego movie made about my life. Right, you are having your biography made in Lego. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I still can't believe I watched that movie. Our theme music is Love You by the Free Design, courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records. You can find us on social media where the try hard guys are back.

Oh, yeah. We're back. We're trying things for you. This time, it's unusual regional sodas. Yeah, we drank a bubble. Not bubble gum. Cotton candy, Fago. I'm not going to lie. I did not hate cotton candy faggia. I mean, watch the video.

You'll have to watch. Follow Jordan Jesse go on Instagram. We're going to be on. By the time this comes out, we'll be we'll have a TikTok. Oh, my God. Sorry, Christian. I just signed you up for making us a TikTok. Follow us on blue sky. Jordan Jesse go. God, blue sky, whatever the fuck.

shout out dog welder for that little fan fan shout out to dog welder for making some great fan art where's the fan art send it to us at jj go at maximum fun.org posted it on the maximum fun reddit maximum fun dot reddit maximum fun dot reddit we'll share your fan art we would love to

it doesn't even have to be good try your best yeah but I'm just saying like don't fucking bum yourself out over it you know what I mean like don't be like it's got to be perfect whatever, like, I'm not talented. You know, artist's... Done is better than perfect.

You know, artist, I mean, you remember what... You remember what Hayden was like before she finally made queen. Yeah, that's right. Right. JJ Go at maximum fun.org for your voice memos. Christian Duanez, the producer of the program, and we will talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse Go. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Maximum Fun A Worker Owned Network Of Artist-owned shows Supported directly by you