Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Spicy King Kong with Elliott Kalan

Episode Date: March 20, 2023

Elliott Kalan joins Jordan and Jesse to kick off MaxFun Drive with a bang! The only way they know how: by ranking all the King Kong movies and talking about getting Big Bopper cucked. Make sure to support this great network by heading on over to maximumfun.org/join

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Goh listeners. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Moore's boy detective. Guess what? This episode begins the max fun drive for 2023. If you didn't know, Jordan, Jesse Goh is supported directly by you. And this is the time of year when we ask you to support us at maximumfund.org slash join. A little bit later in the show, we're going to be talking about our special donors only mini series that

we recorded and some of the other cool bonus stuff you can get for supporting max fun. But for now, just check out maximumumFun.org slash join and enjoy this episode. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris. I'm just like me. Okay. I want to hear about this, Jordan. What does that phrase mean? Well, Jesse, you know, we both love to read the Scandal Rags. Sure. I love the Scandal Rags and the Trades.

The Trades, Scandal Rags, Us, Variety, Soldier of Fortune. Sure. All the best. Basically, we're mad for mags over here. Oh, yeah. Architectural Digest. Num, num, num. Give me.

Wait, have you been eating the mags over here. Oh, yeah. Architectural digest. Num, num, num. Wait, have you been eating the mags? Yeah. Well, architectural digest because of those scrumptious interiors. And then you digest it. Yeah, exactly. And shit out all those beautiful buildings. It's good for the, you know, you got to get some roughage, Jordan, and we're getting older. You must. It's so important these days. No, you know, I mean, my favorite part of- Jordan, roughage, now more than ever. Now more than ever. In this economy, yeah, you gotta get roughage. You know, my favorite part of my mags is the section in the star snooper. You know, stars, they're just like us. This will be like a picture of Jennifer Aniston holding a Starbucks cup.

Right, yeah. Ben and J-Lo coming at a Dunkey's. Yeah, Jennifer Garner taking a dump. Right, exactly. Just like us. That's what we call coming at a Dunkey's. Yeah. The Dunkey's give me the Dun dumpies. You know what I mean?

Yeah, sure. Strong coffee. But no, I was recognized out at an event and I think I handled it, you know, really relatably, you know, like the down to earth regular Joe that I am. Yeah. So the event. Tell me a little bit about what this was. Was this the Oscars? Uh, this is not the Oscars, which are occurring as we tape this. Yeah. I did not come over here from the Kodak theater to record the podcast. That'd be impossible with LA traffic. You know what I mean? Yeah. LA traffic is really bad. You've seen this stuff, right? You got to take freeways.

Yeah. 10, 10, 10, you know, all the others. I know them. I don't not know them. Of course, 66. If you want to get your kicks. And I do. So, you know, I was at, this is a, this is a Holly.

This was a, this was an entertainment industry event, you know, just to give you a little idea of how how posh it was. There were past apps. Oh, wow. Yeah. Past apps. That's incredible. Were these premium apps? I would say these were mid tier apps.

These were pretty good sliders. Macaroni and cheese bites. No mac and cheese bites. Those are always good. But we're not just talking about wieners with a stick. No, this is a step up from wieners, but a step below tuna tartare. Got it. This is mid in that special little sweet spot betwixt tuna and wiener.

Sure. This is mid in that special little sweet spot betwixt tuna and wiener. Sure. This is, uh. That's where you find the Lord. That's where the Lord dwells, Jesse. This is in the streaming and family television stratum of show business. This isn't, you're not getting Oscars appetizers. No, Yeah. You're not getting like modern family appetizers. You're getting successful, but not top of the heap appetizers.

Jesse, these are exactly the appetizers I was eating. Okay. And while I was eating these apps and enjoying them, I mean, I don't, I don't mean to sound, listen, would I love Fableman's caliber apps? Sure. Would I love some Tar Bites? Yeah, I would. Wait, when you say Fable, are there, I haven't seen the film The Fablemans, are there apps in that? Or are you thinking of Zingerman's apps?

No, there's no apps but there is emotional infidelity got it okay which is kind of like an appetizer to adultery got it so i'm at this i'm at this event i'm enjoying my apps and this kind of handsome well-dressed guy i could see him doing the i'm trying to get your attention shuffle. You know this thing, Jesse? It's like a little two-step. It's a lot like the Super Bowl shuffle. Right.

It's like half Super Bowl shuffle, half Kirtley shuffle. You know, it's a modest shuffle. It's a kind of a look over here, but, you know, not wanting to be, you know, not wanting to be super big because, you know, again, you're, you're in public. There's an element of that crab, you know, don't cross your feet over side to side motion that you would use as a baseball infielder or playing defense and basketball to keep your chest facing the ball or the player that you're defending. In this case, the chest is. I or the player that you're defending. In this case, the chest is.

I couldn't have described it better myself. That's perfect. In this case, the chest is facing. Perfect. The wattage of Mr. Jordan Morris. Yeah. So this guy, again, handsome dude, looking great, cocktail attire. Right.

Comes up to me. He's like, hey. And I could tell he's embarrassed i could tell that you know when you see somebody in in the wild that you like respect and love you know it can be it can be a lot it can it's you know it's an emotionally loaded situation i've certainly you know met some people that i really respect not as much as this guy respected me but like you know i kind of know where he's coming from and it's a big moment. I could tell it was a big moment. It's like if I saw that half a man from two and a half men. Exactly. God, you won't shut up about that half a man.

I respect him so much. I mean, yeah. I've heard you say, Jesse, and let me know if I'm quoting you correctly, to you, he is a whole man. That's true. You know why? Because I feel like I really see him. And when I see him, I'm seeing double. Right. Exactly. Have you been to the eye doctor recently? I haven't, but my speech has also been slurred. Do you think that's a concern? Are you walking around with a concussion? An anvil fell on my head, Jordan.

Don't go to sleep, Jesse. Don't go to sleep. If Jesse's kids are listening, make sure daddy doesn't go to sleep. He will sleep forever. Now that we got that out of the way. So this guy comes up to me and he's, you know, he's, he's a gog. He's Twitter pated. Yeah. Awash with emotions. And he's like, hey's a gog. He's Twitter-pated. Yeah. Awash with emotions.

And he's like, hey, I'm sorry. I just, I don't want to bother you, but I just wanted to say that I'm a big fan. I was like, oh my gosh, how nice. Again, I'm just like me. So I'm playing this real cool. I'm not. Right. Oh my gosh.

Thank you so much. It's great to meet you. And then, of course course I have my finger in so many pies, Jesse. Sure. This might be- You know about these pies, right? This might be a Cotton Candy Randy fan from Good Mythical Morning. This might be a Jordan Jesse Go fan. This might be somebody who's- Less likely, but yeah, sure. Saw you win twice on At Midnight. Right. And perform amiably once.

This might be somebody who was a really big fan of that streaming sitcom about the video game store that you were in. Right. Yeah. And again, I'm a guy with a lot of pies. So I had to ask him, I'm like, I'm sorry. Yeah. I thank you so much. Great to meet you. What do you do you, what do you, what do you know me from? And he's like, you've been a guest on the flop house. No idea who I was otherwise, but knew what I looked like. Yeah. Our guest on the program is one of the hosts of the flop house. A real fucking celebrity.

He also, Jordan, our at-home listener, wasn't listening before we began this recording. But I had reason to prompt him to talk for an hour about the 1970s King Kong. Oh, okay. He was ready to go. I believe it. I had to cut him off. Elliot Kalin is our guest. Welcome back to the program, Elliot. Thank you so much for having me. It's very exciting to be here on the night when I'm totally not preoccupied by checking my phone to see who's winning these fancy movie awards that

are coming out. But I'm excited to be here to talk about King's Kong as any of them that we need to, the 30s, the 70s, the early 2000s, to talk about catapulting Jordan to stardom on the platform of the Flophouse podcast. I'm here to talk about all that stuff. I'm excited to do it. Somebody recognized me at the Rose Bowl flea market today, Jordan. He said he was doing this. Because you've been on Sklarboro Country? Yeah, Gordon. He said he was doing this. Because you've been on Squarboro country. Yeah, exactly. He recognized me from those two times we hosted a show at the Ice House in Pasadena. Yeah, I was at the Rose Bowl flea market and a very nice man did the shuffle,

came up to me and said, Jesse, this is the thing that happens i don't know if this happens to you but people will say your name like they're someone you know and you're old and don't remember all the people you know right and you get worried that you know the person so you said jesse and i looked around i was pretty confident I didn't know him. And I said, oh, hello. Nice neutral answer. He said, it's nice to meet you. I'm a big fan. And he said, I saw Jordan recently. So now I have the set. That's fun. As sweet as it is creepy, sweepy, we call it. It does seem, it does seem like this guy is trying to collect us yeah and that can mean a lot of things jordan what could i as far as i'm concerned given the place that

we're at in show business as we enter our 40s here i don't think there's anything wrong with being a pokemon you know what i mean Like at the end of the day, I'll take being a Pokemon. You know, look, I'd be a Bakugan at this point. Thank you. If it's on the table.

Sure. Digimon. I'll do it. I'd be a fucking power ranger. I don't give a shit. Rita Repulsa. Absolutely. I'm in.

To be honest at my age in this industry, I'll be a battle beast. They don't even make those anymore, but I'll take it. I'll be a barn beast. They don't even make those anymore, but I'll take it. I'll be a barnyard commando. Is that opening for a street shark? A cowboy of Moo Mesa. I'll be a biker mice from Mars or from another country.

Another planet. Mars is not a country. You'll be a Venusian biker mouse if you need to be. I'll be a Venusian biker vole. Sure. I'll be a vole that biker mouse if you need to be. I'll be a Venusian biker, my biker vole. Sure. I'll be a vole that rides a snowboard or something. Venusian biker voles with the Christian version. Right.

I should say, I'll be sincere for a moment. I was really happy to be recognized from the Flophouse because I love your guys' show. I think it's a great show. I've been, it's been a thrill to be on it. And it's nice to meet another Flophouse fan because I consider myself a Flophouse fan. So it was really fun. That's really nice. I mean, the, the, the respect and love between podcasts is mutual. Not that anyone has ever come up to me. Listen to Jordan, Jesse Go. Jordan, Jesse Go. But that's, uh, I did, every now and then I get recognized by Flophouse fans.

It used to happen to me more when I lived in Brooklyn. I don't know what that says about LA. It's just, there's a lower caliber of celebrity walking around Park Slope, Brooklyn. Elliot, Park Slope, Brooklyn is recognize us country. If there's any place in America that's recognize us country, it's undoubtedly Park Slope, Brooklyn. Yes. Where I get recognized once a day and eat those great bagels and feel like a king it is it is a magical place but i

was i was walking around in uh speaking of las alas i was walking around in highland park not too long ago wow that was the that was the highland park crowd and uh i was with my my younger son who was in his pajamas. Talk about hippo, the Italian restaurant. How about that triangolini, huh? It's fantastic. Anyway, so that's ultra. Now it's ultra regional humor.

It's not just a region of the country or a city or a neighborhood. It's a specific restaurant. It's a specific dish at a specific restaurant. Elliot and I went to dinner there for his birthday. It was a nice place. Yeah, it's a specific restaurant. Elliot and I went to dinner there for his birthday. It was a nice place. Yeah, it's a great restaurant. But anyway, I was with my younger son and I suddenly – we were walking around and I heard a woman go, Elliot. And I turned around and I didn't – there's a woman I didn't recognize and she seemed so startled.

She seemed as if I had called her name out. That's how startled she seemed. And I was like, hi. The same exact thing. I don't recognize this person. Do I know her? Is it someone I've worked with? Is it a family member? I don't remember. Do we go to summer camp together? And she was like, uh, this, uh, I'm a big fan. I just like the podcast. And I was like, oh, thanks. It's nice to meet you. What's your name? And I guess I asked people's names. And then, and I introduced my, my son and I go, he's a child. She goes, and she goes, I know. know i'm sorry i'm sorry and then walked away and i was like no it wasn't i didn't i wasn't trying to make you feel bad like i wasn't pulling the like i'm with my son right now but it was just very how dare you make me seem cool in front of my son in front of my

there's something my son has to think i'm a dork that's the point of sons that's the point of being a dad is he always thinks i'm uncool until he's older and he realizes how hard it is to be a parent. Right. The main thing my children say to each other and to me is something that Oscar pioneered, which is saying, did you know dad makes his bad jokes and people pay him for it? Yeah, my. Can't disagree. My kids also think I'm very unfunny anyway happy max fun drive everybody maximum fun.org join support these bad jokes elliot not to put you we were talking about

this earlier and not to put you on the spot i don't think you'll have any problem with this are we talking about king kong i was gonna say can you rank the spot, I don't think you'll have any problem with this. Are we talking about King Kong? I was going to say, can you rank the Kongs? Okay, this is something I've thought about a lot. Because here's the thing, this used to be easy. When I was a kid, this was easy. I just needed a bathroom break. I'll be back in 15.

I'm here for you. This is the equivalent of an FM radio DJ putting on the 12-inch mix of Love to Love You by Donna Summer. It's okay. Well well we're getting a lot of in a gotta devita requests so i'm just gonna throw that on and uh because it's that time again i've had a pretty big coffee and here's the album length version of thick as a brick by jethro tull and it's just and then it's just that that pooping that we mentioned it's the top of the hour and i gotta go make some dumpies.

That's right. Just like the beautiful Jennifer Garner. I also like to shit my brains out. Hot 93 dumpies on the tens. Trafficking weather on the ones. And at noon, I piss. Maximumfun.org slash join. Maximumfun.org slash join. Maximumfun.org slash join maximumfund.org slash join maximumfund.org slash join i feel that is the way that elderly people do run their lives is they do have a bathroom schedule and everything

has to conform to that so just because people are their fingers are poised over the join button and they are waiting to click it until i rank the kongs let's just say it used to be real easy growing up there were just two kongs worth talking about the original king kong rank the Kongs. Let's just say, it used to be real easy. Growing up, there were just two Kongs worth talking about. The original King Kong and the 70s King Kong. And the 70s King, we aren't going to talk about sequels. Son of Kong or King Kong Lives, forget about it. We're not going to talk about them. These are non-canonical Kongs as far as you're concerned.

They're not, they're non-canonical. Non-canonical. There's no way to do it. Non-canonical. Let's all try. Non-canonical. Non-can's all try non-conconical non-conconical let's just say they don't count but here's the thing this is gonna be controversial i really like the peter jackson king kong it's too long obviously but it is i think it's very

good in a lot of ways i would put that number two then number three kong skull island it's very good in a lot of ways. I would put that number two. Then number three, Kongskull Island. It's really good, Kongskull Island. But the first one for me is still the original King Kong because it's got a magic to it. Is it racist? Of course. All movies from the 30s are racist in some way or another. To be fair, Peter Jackson's King Kong is also racist. It's also a little racist.

And that's one of the things that keeps it from rising too much higher is that it was made at a time when that was – you can't say as much, well, it was olden days. Everyone was bad back then. Hitler was on the rise. You can't say that about the Peter Jackson Kong. But Kongskull Island I really like a lot and helped me to decide to leave my job at The Daily Show when I was head writer at The Daily Show years ago. There are two movies that I saw that were real epiphanies for me. One was It Follows, where I saw it and I was like, oh, I think this movie is amazing. Like there's more ways to touch people than to tell jokes about Mitch McConnell. This is amazing. I don't need to do the show. And I went to see Kung.

How's that possible? He looks like a turtle. He does look like a turtle. And yet you can tell a poignant yet frightening story about how death comes for us all. And the only way to deal with it is to form human connections and relationships. You can do that in a movie as opposed to a satirical late night comedy. Yeah, the new Puss in Boots movie, for example. Go ahead. Yeah, which my kids are constantly going on about. And they're always like, we should see that.

Jesse said it was good. It is. It's really good. Is it about how death comes for us all? i was just texting with paul sheer about how good it is well it's not best animated feature good sorry to tell you jesse in this situation is he texting back or are you just he is i'm trying to puss in boots cuck my my friend, Elliot Kaelin, in the world of bad movie podcasters whose number is in my phone. Yeah, well, it's working. It's working.

I'm feeling it and I'm loving it. So Paul Scheer just wakes up to a text, sent at 2 a.m., you up to talk, puss? And then the second text comes an hour later, n boots, because after an hour of not receiving a response, Jesse felt he needed to clarify and double-check it, n-boots. So the other movie – oh, I saw Kong Skull Island. There's a part in Kong Skull Island where the soldiers are walking around Skull Island, hence the title, and one of them says, you go looking for a war, you're going to find one. And I was like, I think that probably will make more of an impact on more Americans than every episode of The Daily Show I ever worked on. The idea that it's just a guy in a movie about a giant gorilla saying, you go looking for a war, you're going to find one. The meaning, of course, being if you don't go looking for a war, you probably won't find one and things will be fine. So I was like, you know what? Maybe I would have more fun writing things where gorillas throw helicopters at people instead of having to process the news. Calling Donald Trump a circus peanut? Yeah, exactly.

Have you noticed this guy? Have you taken a look at this fella? And of course, at the bottom of the King Kong rankings, again, 70s King Kong. It's not very good. I just noticed Godzilla vs. Kong was on Soundless in a bar that I was in. Okay. Kong was on Soundless in a Bar that I was in. And that movie has a segment where they go into the middle of hollow earth.

Mm-hmm. I guess in the world of this movie, hollow earth conspiracy nuts are right. The earth is hollow. And King Kong goes there with the help of, I think, some sort of- Executive producer, Kyrie Irving. Exactly. With the help of, I think, some sort of producer, Kyrie Irving. Exactly. And there's a segment where there's no gravity and it's just Kong floating around.

That is the greatest visual to see silent in a bar. That's better than all the chive TVs in the world. Floating anti-gravity Kong is so much better than like trick basketball shots and like dad's getting hit in the nuts with wiffle balls. And you saw, did you see the recent Godzilla vs. Kong? Oh, this is that one. This is the recent one. Okay. I was talking about the old one. Yeah, that's the recent one.

Never mind. I got mixed up in my head. Yeah, yeah. That's probably the best part of that movie is the floating. I mean, have you seen it with the sound on or no? I have seen it with the sound on. Okay. Because I would say that is the best part of that movie is the floating – I mean have you seen it with the sound on or no? I have seen it with the sound on. Okay, because I would say that is the best part of the movie where he's just kind of floating around. But here's the – one of the many problems I had with that movie was it's one of many movies where because it's a better story for there to be one lone scientist who's a rebel who everyone disagrees with and it turns out they're correct. That's a better way to tell a story. It means that just as Kong Skull Island teaches Americans, you're looking for a war, you're going to find one. Godzilla vs. Kong teaches Americans, don't listen to mainstream scientists.

Listen to the one crazy guy who nobody thinks is right because he's going to be the one who turns out to be right. And there's going to be a gorilla throne at the center of the earth with a like kind of a crystal axe or whatever it is that the oh that's right he does have a crystal axe at some point that he uses to kill mecha godzilla yeah and it was that that point in the movie where i said this kong is a little too person like for me i don't like kong using tools no thank you what do you how do you think he eats ants out of an ant hill elliot he i mean one i could see i'll go that far he can take a giant fallen tree stick it into a hill full of giant, and then pull them out and eat them off the log. But the instant he's grasping tools and wielding them like a barbarian Viking berserker, that's too far for me when it comes to Kongs.

I just want to get a sense of your worldview here, Elliot. So you'd be okay if the kaiju was a giant otter. Then you're okay with it using tools. Well, I mean, the thing is we do see them use tools in the wild too. Yes, they use rocks to break open, what, clams and oysters and things like that. And of course, and there are a number of otters that I've seen working on construction crews. They're uniquely talented at walking those high girders. But even still, in a movie, it seems like it's a little too far. But keep naming animals. I'll tell you if I like seeing them as kaiju using tools and movies what about what about a bird kaiju

speaking of clams that plucks a clam takes it high into the air and then drops it onto a rock to break it open i again you up to talk clams i think as long as it i mean if this kaiju is is using tools in the world of natural objects that they have found and they are smashing into each other in order to get that sweet clam meat inside that horrible shell sorry i don't mean to i don't mean to say get into my old stand-up act but why do they make the clams so hard to open? I don't get it. Who is this for? Who said, yes, sir, I want the hard-to-open clams, please. What aisle do I find those in? I think it's when Kong picks up an axe and it's like, well, this was – someone made this for King Kong.

So either there's an ancient gorilla kaiju who was a blacksmith or there's a human who just does work for kaiju and they pay him in some way. It just opens up. It's too much industry, too much light or heavy industry. But if they're just picking up rocks, smashing those clams, smash those clams. So remember, MaximumFun.org slash join and smash those clams. Elliot, can I ask you a serious question? Sure. What if it's regular King Kong and there's no clams?

As opposed to spicy King Kong. King Kong Supreme with sour cream and guac. Extra crunchy Kong. Wet Kong. It has that red sauce all over it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Cheese, melted cheese. Elliot, what if it's regular Kong, but he's drinking Clamato?

Now, okay, the question, here's the thing. What's he drinking it out of? That's the real thing. Does he know it's Clamato? Because that's the thing. A giant mug, too much. Someone had to make that mug. But if it's like he finds a train tanker full of Clamato that's on its way to the Clamato distributor, crack it open.

Just crack it open and drink it. Sure. That's fine. Yeah. Or there's a huge depression in Iraq that someone has poured gallons and gallons and gallons of Clamato into. And then he's on all fours lapping it up like a little kitty. Yeah, like a Kong dog. Yeah.

If it's part of a trap because they know he loves Clamato and they're kind of lure him in onto a spaceship or something so they can blast him to the stars and rid the world of the Kong menace. Yeah, go for it. But if he is – here's where it goes too far. Kong is smashing a building. He thinks to himself, I haven't had a Clamato in a really long time. Goes to the ATM, gets cash, goes to the store. They're at a Clamato. Can I order it? No, we don't do that here. Okay, do you know, can you call the other location and see if they have Clamato? Let me check with my manager and see if I can do that. I'm not really supposed to leave the register.

You know what? I'll talk to the manager on Kong. I'll just talk to him. Kong goes to the manager. Can you call the other store and see if they have it? Because I don't want to have to go all the way over there and they don't have it either. Well, I can check on the computer.

Well, then why don't you check on the computer? The manager is a willowy blonde. And he's got to take the manager, climb to the top of the grocery store. Yeah, it's just too much, just too much. I don't want to ruin the magic here. And a lot of folks are probably just impressed that Elliot's coming up with all this off the dome,

but he's actually reading this out of one of those really shiny self-published books. he is actually reading this out of one of those really shiny self-published books. Why does the text get so close to the edge of the page? The kerning in this book is not professional level, but you know, it's... Why does this cost $45 at this crystal store? And the paper is not quite see-through, but somewhat see-through. It's just not, or it's very thick, but for some reason, it's not quite professional level paper. Yeah.

So that's, yeah, that's from my book, 10 Simple Rules for Dating My King Kong. Elliot, I feel like you've seen every King Kong. And I feel, and Jordan, you might have too. I don't know if you've seen 70s King Kong. I had a big Kong face as a kid. I was, I had a, Iong face as a kid i was i had a i had a oh oh i had it bad for the kong i've only seen two king kongs out of all the king kongs

i saw original king kong fey ray you know i saw yodorowski's kong so kong uh looked very vaginal he was played by mick jagger yeah that was amazing cast for a kong movie that they were able to get uh dean atchison to play the part of uh of the explorer and you know and they were able to get uh what's who's that who's that earthworks artist who did spiral jetty oh yeah i can't think of what his name is. Yeah, but he played the leader of the tribe that steals Mick Jagger. Oh, my gosh. Guys, the donation site is broken. There's too many donators.

It's crashing. The site's crashing. It can't handle all this traffic. People are like, don't mention Andy Goldsworthy. I don't have any more money in my bank account, and I don't have overdraft protection. Can I return to the subject of text messages for a second? Thank you, Jordan. Sure, sure.

Of course, we were talking about, you know, puss texts, clam texts. Jesse, I got a great text from you today showing me some of the action going down at the vintage arcade oh man Elliot Jordan his dad cucked me that's where I mean I presume a whole lot of cucking going on

just like the hit song of the same name oh baby oh baby he used to clean our pool again maximum friend.org oh baby tell me i'm a worm that's a big bopper he's he's the little bopper the big bopper was the alpha and yeah so the shriveled little bopper what i mean here what i mean here elliot is not that that's from the series bought my wife please it doesn't mean elliot but my wife please is the is the is the big bopper henny youngman porn suck video yes tuck it in the cat skills yeah henny youngman is is imploring

the big bopper to cook him right if only gawker hadn't published that video they'd still be around right gawkers boppers and cuckers when the big bopper estate hooked up with peter teal right okay so what this means elliot is not that jordan has made love to my wife in front of me to shame me. As far as I know, Jordan and my wife haven't so much as held hands. What it means is... Jordan, get on that. The closest we came is we traded mittens once. Okay.

So that's like the warmth of your hand held the warmth of her hand. Yeah, yeah, sure. We should mention my wife is a little kitten. She had lost one of her mittens. It's less of a trade and more of a, it was a generous thing to share that mitten, yeah. It is more this, my two younger children, Oscar and Frankie, at this point have only one interest, and that is going to the video arcade to play street fighter 2 turbo edition and this is developed since the time when as discussed on jordan jesse go

when jordan was nice enough to come to the indoor trampoline park to play street fighter on their miniature street fighter machine during sensory sensitivity hours i have a i have a confession to make jesse you you're like hey do you want to come over and you know come meet us at the trampoline place and you know play play video games with the kids for a little bit and you know i seem like a really like you know like cool guy because i'm like yeah i'll i'll do that but i i was there already. Well, you were tramping. I was tramping.

You're like, tramp, you can call me that. I was tramping. And then I get my combo on. That's a nice little morning. Yeah, my kids, we went to the, there's a pay by the hour video game arcade in Pasadena california right there by the beard papa so you can get get some cream puffs after and i took my children there they think i'm fucking pathetic because i don't know any combos literally i could get my keys trinkled or get coconut mauled in an instant like if shit went down you know kids can just tell like if another kid at school is picking on them if their dad is

going to back them up on it and they know that if somebody picks on them their dad's keys are going to get trinkled or they're going to get coconut mauled. It's the worst. Have you thought about just like, you know, going hard and training at Street Fighter to impress your kids? Honestly, at this point, I think they would settle for me being able to explain why the guy who's half Freddy and half Jason represents Spain. You mean Vega? Talk about Vega. Yeah, that guy. He'sanish like antonio banderas i mean the reason is because he has the the strength through grace

and elegance that represents the spanish masculine ideal spain they're not about your big bruisers they're not italy they're not russia the live beautiful fighters exactly spanish there's a reason that bullfight fighting is not about fighting the bull but avoiding the bull right because that's how they it's a very passive aggressive masculine grace that they have in spain you know and that describes vega who has a lot of defensive special moves i will say this and he has got like those freddy claws yeah yeah the spanish are known for their claws maximum MaximumPun.org slash join. I will say this. I will say this for Vega.

Yeah. Obviously, I'm a little confused about his Street Fighter stuff. Which is all that there is. He's not in any other properties. So his Street Fighter stuff is all that Vega has. Unless you're talking about Suzanne Vega, which is a different Vega, doesn't perform with a mask and claws, as far as I know. Elliot, how many books have you written? This is I'm now reading from. How to tell your different Vegas. Elliot, should I even say the thing I was going to say? Yeah, say the thing about this.

It's been 10 minutes. I was going to say. You let me go on about King Kong for quite some time. Yeah, you can. Maybe I don't know that much about his work in Street Fighter 2, but I thought he was great in Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. I love his work with Alma Dovar. Yeah.

That's all I'm saying. Alma Dovega. Yeah. That's how they're known in Spain. Sure. Yeah. Look, let's take a break. We'll be back how they're known in Spain. Sure. Yeah. Look, let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica. I'm Jesse Thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective elliot calen 2023 best picture academy award winner congratulations on that elliot thank you

oh sorry air moonlight sorry oh sorry so often. Well, Moonlight was pretty good, too. I kind of thought I was a better best picture for this year, especially since Moonlight came out a couple years ago. But that's what the voters said. Yeah, it was just such a personal movie, you know? Very personal. Yeah, the voice of the people is the voice of God or whatever it is Elon Musk says when people say things he agrees with and doesn't say when people say things he doesn't agree with. Kind of strange. Elliot, should we talk about the Max Fund Drive?

I think we have to. Okay. Let's go down Elon Musk's Twitter account and just read his dank memes to everybody. This show and all the shows at Maximum Fund are supported by membership. all of the shows at Maximum Fun are supported by membership. That's when you go to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you send a few bucks to the shows that you listen to. And that money really does go to the shows that you listen to, including Jordan, Jesse, Go. So go to MaximumFun.org slash join, join us, and you'll pay for more great content like whatever this is. Yeah, it's really, really cool that Maximum Fun is listener supported.

That means that shows don't need, you know, ginormous audiences to continue. They just need a handful of loyal folks who are willing to kick the show a couple of bucks to cover the costs. who are willing to kick the show a couple of bucks to cover the costs, microphones, servers, producers like the great Daniel Zafran and more. Yeah. I also want to mention, because I don't know, we've announced this on social media. I don't know if people have seen this yet, but Maximum Fun has always been all about creator-owned media. Now, Maximum Fun, the business institution, is a 100% employee-owned co-op. I remain the owner of Maximum Fun, but only in my capacity as an employee of Maximum Fun. I'm a worker-owner in the co-op.

Yeah. And it's really awesome that it's not driven by ad money or VC money. It's all just donors looking to keep cool shows going. And it's awesome. I totally love working for the listeners. It's really nice that we're not just beholden to advertisers or parent companies. It's just do folks like the shows? Are they willing to kick in a couple of bucks? And if they are, we can keep making them. Jordan and I own Jordan, Jesse Go. And the reason that it continues to exist is your membership. I hope that you will join us. You can go to MaximumFun.org slash join. Not only do you get the smug satisfaction of knowing you're the reason this show exists every time you listen, there is also some cool bonus content, which we will describe in

detail later on. But for now, let us simply say you're not just joining because you're getting cool stuff or getting cool content. This is what you're paying for. This program right here that you listen to every week. It's so important to us to make the main work that we do available to everyone, no matter what their means are. So, you know, if you have the means five bucks a month, 10 bucks a month, go to maximumfund.org slash join and make this possible for everyone. Yeah. I think, you know, the analogy that I like to use is that we, we basically work for tips and, uh, you know, if, if you're you're somebody who throws their bartender a buck a drink, please consider throwing your podcasters a buck a show.

It basically makes all the difference in the world. And it's the reason the show can continue. Yeah, so we're basically, we're here dancing for your nickels. And we do love to dance, don't we, boys? Absolutely. The main reason to join Maximum Fun is to keep these shows going. It's to keep them free for everybody. It's to get a good feeling every time you listen. But I think it is worth mentioning that there is, I think, over 300... Oh, excuse getting a i'm getting a correction in my earbud 500 hours of

bonus content including our burt reynolds mini series that we'll discuss a little bit later but just to tease you a bit jesse and i watched six burt reynolds classics uh with some of our some of our favorite max fun hosts past and present and uh yeah we did six of them. You're getting one for free in your feed because we love you, because we love the fun drive. But yeah, if you want to listen to all six, MaximumFun.org slash join. And all the shows do cool stuff for the pledge drive. Weird format breaking stuff, special episodes, special guests. The bonus content is so much fun to make. Everybody really goes wild with it. We'll talk a little bit more about it next break, but oh man, you're going to want to

listen this year, especially. It was really, really fun to do. Elliot, have you guys made anything cool for the Flophouse? We have. I just want to say, if you're familiar with the Flophouse, as you must be, because that's where you know Jordan from, you should know that there's a lot of great Flophouse bonus content. We've done, in the past, we've done role-playing game shows. We've done audio commentaries for movies. We've done episodes where we talk about TV shows. We have done a lot of different things.

And this year, we have a big combination of those. We've got a two-episode role-playing game arc. We returned to a game that my co-host stew runs where we are cartoon dogs uh that are going on adventures at a farm listen to that cartoon dog shit we had a tremendous tremendous work the previous thank you the previous adventure involved us trying three dogs trying to get a taste of the special chili made for the farmer's daughter's wedding and it's like a heist scenario yeah and i just listened to that with my kids and they found they found it very funny although i said to them i was like oh yeah at one point there's a hole in the chili jar

and my character he has to put his mouth on it and he's filling up with chili and they were like we gotta listen to it and that's not exactly what happens so they were very disappointed by a spoiler alert he sticks his tail in the chili hole and so the heat is just rising but he's not actually filling with chili uh ellie we should explain elliot's character in this is a little dutch girl the chili damn burst oh we gotta fix it flood holland with chili and we have a new and all new i I think, two-part dog, cartoon dog adventure. And we also are going, we have a couple of goals among those, including new audio commentary recordings for Flophouse

favorite movies. So make sure to contribute, make sure to join maximumfun.org slash join and you get all of that bonus content not just from this show, not just from my show, but all the shows. And you can feel good about joining because not only are this show and the Flophouse, for that matter, owned completely

by their creators, Maximum Fun itself, the business entity that supports these shows, is owned completely now by its employees. So, you know, these are tumultuous times in the podcast industry. I don't know if you see, there was a big article in the New York times the other day about all this stuff going down in the podcast industry with all these shady gargantuan conglomerates. We've been focused for many, many years on trying to do the best thing. And we're really proud of becoming a co-op. We're really proud that our shows are creator owned. And we're really, really proud that your support goes directly to the people who make the art. So go to maximumfund.org slash join.

That's maximumfund.org slash join right now. There is of course also a link in the description, but I bet you can remember that. You can do it right there on your telephone that you're probably, you know what? Do it in traffic. I don't care. Sue me other cars that get crashed into. Sue me. I don't own this network anymore. Single handedly. I'm taking the whole ship down with me. Ha ha. I gave my assets to my colleagues. whole ship down with me. Haha, I gave my assets to my colleagues. I will say, not to prolong this break, but I was, when

we Flophouse hosts were notified of the change at Maximum Fun, I was super proud of Jesse and everybody there for making this decision, and I think it is all a big part of people trying to create entertainment and art around their values and live those values in the way that takes care of each other and puts out a really fun piece of entertainment for people to listen to.

And sometimes it's more than entertainment, but for the Flophouse and Jordan Jesse Gill, let's just call it entertainment. Not to denigrate anything that we're doing here today, but I think that – and the thing that I've been so excited recently to realize how important it is that the show that I make, The Flophouse, me and my co-host Dan and Stu, we own it. We don't have to answer to anybody. Maximum Fun as a network doesn't have to go to some executive's idea of quality. Someone who doesn't really understand our show or what we're doing or why it's funny. And that's entirely. It's not like we have to go to some corporate office and they're like, you know what? I like the show, but what if it had talking dogs?

I mean, if that was the note we were getting, sign me up. I'll go to that corporation. But it's all of this kind of freedom that we have, the freedom to give you shows that you're going to enjoy and that don't fit easily into those square holes that the network suits are all, oh, make it like this, mainstream hamburgers whatever then uh the reason is entirely because of your support your support in giving a little bit like like jordan saying just a few just a few dollars a month to the network that's what keeps this these shows going and keeps them exciting and fresh and ridiculous and stupid the way that you like them so that's all thanks to you thank you very much maximumfund.org join we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, a boy detective. Elliot Kalin, gold winner at the 1968 olympic games pole vault congratulations man thanks they just uh the the decision just got made uh they were checking the scores for a long time i'm an east german judge am i right yeah tell me about it boy yeah real pole measurer that one there was a time there was a time when all discourse was about the east german judge that's like all i remember from being younger than 12 there's people talking about the east german judge giving out bad scores and the most amazing thing is you know who that east german judge was judge reinheld comedy star of East Germany. Yeah.

I remember all jokes from my childhood being about Norman Schwarzkopf. Oh, yeah. There are a lot of those. I couldn't stop storming. I mean, that's the real problem with America's wars these days. The generals don't have nicknames that roll off the tongue that you can just remember. The generals don't sound like wrestlers. Storm my wife, please. the tongue you can just remember yeah the generals don't sound like wrestlers storm my wife please it was a simpler time when we had forgotten that the people who live in other countries

were human beings so we could just treat the generals like they were cool wrestling heroes yeah okay look when something momentous happens to you like you get a cool nickname it's a cool nickname that's also the laziest possible nickname your name is norman okay storming storming i don't know you know like baseball players are famous for having nicknames you know the splendid splinter for ted williams and the say hey kid for willie mays and all that and there's the occasional you know husky designated hitter billy butler whose nickname was country breakfast but there's this there's this players day in major league baseball where all the players are allowed to put their nickname on the back of their jersey instead of their surname oh they do have fun at the mlb don't they every single one of them just puts their

their name shortened with a y at the end just everyone's name is smithy or you know what i mean like every single bergie like no there's no these people have no nicknames this is something i want to ask you jesse as as a baseball super fan as a lover of the history of the game by which i'm referring to you because i am neither of those things yeah i'm dad cucking you at all times oh incredible elliot's son loves baseball i've heard this complaint from yeah oh my son loves baseball and is constantly talking about well jesse said this jesse said that jesse said this and i'm like but don't you want to talk about wheeler and wol, don't you want to talk about Wheeler and Woolsey? Don't you want to talk about Olsen and Johnson, any of the old-time comedy duos? Guys, hold on one second.

I have to write a screenplay called Sun Switch. It's about our solar system switching suns with a distant galaxy. Okay, well, it's not what I thought it was going to be about. That's why Jordan quit The Daily Show. He realized that he could. I got to write Sun Switch. That's people with art. So I've heard that before. And I was wondering if you had that same feeling, the idea that old time baseball players had great nicknames. And I remember when A-Rod was a big nickname for Alex Rodriguez, reading a sports

writer who was like, that's it? A-Rod? It's just his first initial and the first part of his last name. Like, do you feel that way that nicknames have gone downhill? A hundred percent. And you know what the problem is, is the decline of purple pros. Oh, yeah. I think that at the end of the day, now sports writers are sort of, what's the word I'm looking for? Journalists? Whereas at the time, I don't even know if they went to the games. They're just yarn spinners. They just got a list of major events in the course of the game and then tried to come up with absurdly complicated phrases to describe them. Like just the deepest purple of prose,

Like just the deepest purple of prose, spectacularly. You know, like sports writers was just Ring Lardner, but bad. You know what I mean? And if you're Ring Lardner, but bad, the one section or to buy time while he was composing the next section. And that's why there's so many like, oh, the wine dark sea is at Shea Stadium and stuff. You have a lot of that stuff in the old baseball. 100%. Hey, speaking of buying time um i gotta pee elliot can you rank the godzilla movies oh well there's a lot more of those so let's get started okay it's a huge piss this is gonna be

this is gonna be controversial but i'm putting shin godzilla pretty high up on the list even though it's the most recent one but anyway let's we don't have to talk about that. We've got other things to do. We've got some calls. When something momentous happens to you, like you come up with a great nickname that helps you remember the phrase such as Ernie Banks, the great Ernie Banks, shortstop for the Chicago Cubs, whose nickname was my very excellent mother just made us 90. I mean, you can't fit that on the back of a jersey. That's just hard to do, a player's day or not. Of course, Ernie Banks, famous for his nickname, Roy G. Bim. There's coming up to the plate, Ernie Banks, IP Freely himself.

JJ, go at MaximumFun.org is where to send your voice memos or you can call us at 206-984-4 fun here's a momentous occasion hi jordan jesse and guest i hope it's a horse girl close i'm the one that called a few years ago and told you that i used my adult human money to buy a horse. So I got this horse. Another thing about horses is that they physically can't barf. So when they get stomach aches, like, they just die. So any time a horse is getting a little ouchy around his belly, you get worried and you call the vet. So my horse was getting ouchy around his belly,

and I got worried and I called the vet. So my horse was getting out here at his belly and I got worried and I called the vet and the vet came out and determined that my horse kicked himself in the dick. Yeah. So I got to spend a few hundred dollars learning that my horse forgot to retract his dick up into himself before he got up in the morning. We've all been there. Thanks for everything you do. Love you. Love you too. You and me both horse. I got that. Horse, I feel seen and I see you.

It me, I'm horse. I'm horse. I got the injury report this morning and it said dong contusion. Right. This reminds me of a story that a co-worker of mine told where they had a dog this is kind of like a horse but smaller you can't really ride it and harry interesting and the uh it's kind of like a wolf horse like a little wolf horse okay okay

the uh picture it yeah little wolf horse of all of course also a beloved children's character in peru so uh he apparently his dog was listless, low energy, really not interested in going out for runs, not interested in playing, was not interested in eating. They were very worried. And they took the dog to the vet and the vet was like,

Hmm, it's pretty hot out. I think your dog needs a haircut. And they, they took the dog and got him a haircut and he was fine running around eating having a great time but they still had to pay the you know 450 or whatever it was like it's like multiple hundreds of dollars for the appointment to find out their dog's hair was too long well and then they have to pay the premium to go to the fancy hair salon where they

have yeah videos for them to watch and like they're really patient with um you know not the way that we used to do it in my house when i when my dad would cut my dog's hair just sit him on a stack of phone books on the on the chair and put a put a colander on his head and attach that to some devices to see if he has gozar the key master inside of him. Elliot, stop describing Flophouse bonus content. We're past that segment. Okay, so let me ask you this, Elliot. What were you doing on the internet when it first dawned upon you?

When what first dawned upon me? The internet first dawned upon you. What are your early internet memories? My earliest internet memories are probably going into chat rooms on America Online and being told by strangers things I didn't really care about, but I thought I was supposed to, and everyone just kind of like hanging out with me and a bunch of anonymous strangers hanging out in a room. And every now and then someone doing an age, sex, location check and finding out I was talking to me as a 12-year-old or a 13-year-old. 14-year-old was talking to a bunch of grownups who lived in other parts of the country and getting out of there and then going to a different chat room. This one's supposed to be about probably the X-Files and finding that I still didn't enjoy being there, too. Yeah, I think those are my earliest internet memories. I imagine you in a Kong chat.

Oh, if only. If only there was a dedicated King Kong chat room. I would have been there because again, there were only the two main Kong movies. You didn't have to be on top of all these. There's the new Kong show on Disney. Here's Kong-a-mania. That's the new one. Oh, there's another Kong movie coming out. Oh, did you see this one? It's not essential, but it's okay.

Wait, Elliot, did you say Kongamania? Yep, that's right. Is that like, is that like a King Kong beach comedy or something? That's Kongsapoppin' you're thinking of. You're like, King Kong finally meets Frankie and annette frankie and annette go to skull island wow fishbone is here the uh kongamania is when you had four young men who who were not kong but dressed like kong and played all of kong's songs and you just kind of pretended that you were seeing Kong live. Yeah. Right. Got it. That's I, you know what?

People make fun of that, but I was in Las Vegas. I paid the money and I had a great time. I had a great time. And my mom loved the sexy dances. She loves the abs. Okay. Yeah.

I was there with my mom. She loved the abs. It was great to see her get a chance to cut loose, you know? Is this Kong de Soleil? It's the horny Kong de Soleil. Right, yeah. Magic Kong XXL, this live stage show is what it was. So you're making me regret even more that on my recent past few trips

to new york i didn't try harder to see the king kong musical that was on broadway which it like this was they closed a while ago but there was i'm not familiar with with this this is a king kong musical with an enormous life-size puppet of king kong that was the main attraction of the show and for the whole the size that king kong is in real life in real life irl to scale kong and but for the life of me i was like i don't understand how you make a stage musical about this story because just the story of the original king kong movie like and i'll never find out because i don't think they recorded a cast album and i never got to see it and this was even with a friend of mine's brother as one of the puppeteers on the giant Kong.

And I just wish I had tried harder to go see it. Oh, well, these things, you know, regrets. Ultimately, that's the dream, to have your friend's brother be one of the puppeteers of an enormous Kong in a Broadway musical. That same friend's brother was one of the puppeteers for War Horse, the stage show, which was not a musical,

but what did it have a puppet horse it had a few musical numbers yeah it had to have yeah it's on the stage but they were diegetic and i wonder if that horse puppet ever accidentally kicked itself in the dick when it was getting up in the morning get your friend's brother in the dick get a whole separate puppeteer just for the dick. It's like a fishing rod from up above with a line going down so they can bob around realistically. You sit down to watch

War Horse, there's that little white slip of paper in your showbill. And it says the part of back left leg a puppeteer will be played this evening by Frank Thompson as Elliot's friend's brother as a dick. Elliot, we asked you about the early Internet.

We have a running segment on this show. People send us emails. Jordan, Jesse, go at AOL dot com. A real email address that really works and they tell us their secret internet shames anonymously here is one such anonymous confession i'm a 23 year old new hampshire right and while i didn't grow up with the early versions of the web i do have my share of embarrassing internet experiences can you pause this for a second did the internet come late to new hampshire yeah exactly just how like you know they're just

getting in and out burgers in other states they're iconoclastic about the internet they could go either way on it i just imagine a pilgrim standing at the state line and they're laying fiber optic cable and the pilgrim's going oh no oh Thou shalt not bring thine in here. You know, whatever. I don't know how Pilgrim saw it. Not by the buckle pond mind shoe. You shalt not bring the devil's web into this commonwealth. My children must not know rule 34.

Okay. So in New Hampshire yeah only 23 the funniest the funniest to me in hindsight was in third grade while exploring wikipedia i hit the random article button clicked it and stumbled onto the page for pegging this obviously blew away like that shouldn't come up in the they should have some kind of rule yeah do all jordan j Jesse go listeners know that pegging is when in a heterosexual coupling, a lady is wearing a false penis and pounding the ass of the gentleman. I think it's safe to do now. Probably most, most listeners knew that going in, but I think it's great that they got a refresher. Elliot, you guys on the flopouse have really slacked on this. We really try and focus on don't neglect the balls, stimulate the prostate. It's sort of like our whole thing on Jordan Jesty Goats, really trying to inspire him, eat and cheat.

Elliot, The Flophouse is a similar thing technique of ripping off your own ding dong. It's not for the faint of heart. But it does go back to some of our earliest episodes. And I'm looking at the plaque on your wall, Jesse, from the Prostate Awareness Council, just recognizing the great work that you've been doing. Too few people are aware of prostates. Yeah. Just like in the prostate of New Hampshire, because they didn't have the internet till recently yeah this absolutely blew my little brain there were graphics and i was a good reader brag i couldn't stop myself from reading the whole article all right you're a good reader you're fine you're a good reader okay great graphics i was a good reader i always did

my kegels yeah this this blew my mind and my 10-inch uncut tongue. Okay, well, you didn't need to bring that up. No need to mention that, you know? Is it weird, by the way, that during the presidential fitness examination at my elementary school, they tested pelvic floor strength? Okay, they said Arnold Schwarzenegger said we had to. Trust me, it's going to be annoying now, but in the future, you're going to find it very useful to have that pelvic strength. That's what he's saying. If you ever want to be able to control your urinary flow after delivery of a child, you're going to want to do these exercises.

Everybody back in the kegels! Is that how that quote goes? Were you trying to do get to the chopper yeah sure get to the kegels that's something i don't know it's half of something hard to say i cut it in half with i couldn't handle this knowledge went to my parents showed them the page myself and to their horror they really did their best to ease my little worried mind. I wound up getting so worked up about it that I talked to the pastor of my congregational church. I felt guilty, but I don't remember feeling guilty anymore after that. So hey, shout out Pastor Paul, LOL. Just thinking about third grade me fretting about pegging in the garden of that little church makes me chuckle now.

Wait, Paul takes his pegging meetings in the garden? Yeah, I guess so. Maybe they got one of those contemplative hedge mazes that goes in a circle towards the center until you find the grace of Christ. Now, fretting about pegging does sound like a Bell and Sebastian album title, right? A lot of flugelhorn on that album. Now, is this anything? Hasta la vista, kegels. Is that? I've been holding on to that. No, because he wants you to do the kegels. That's right. That's a good point.

I feel like I definitely have had experiences like that when I was younger of stumbling upon something that was too mature for me and I should have just stepped away from it until the right age, but instead had to go to an adult to kind of like get acknowledgement that I had witnessed a thing when that only makes it more awkward for the adult and the child. So I understand. I understand what that's like. What are you talking about? You're just talking about the Milagro-Beanfield War. You want that movie. You didn't understand the themes. Yeah. I was like, I don't understand. I need you to teach me more about labor rights, that kind of thing. His left foot, you said?

What is, how does that? Jordan, jessigo at AOL.com. Send us your early internet shames and maybe we'll read them on the air. Therefore, alleviating your shame, much like your own personal Pastor Paul. We'll meet you in the garden. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'messe thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan moore's boy detective elliot calen nobel prize winner physics 1922 can i tell you what the conversation that i really had with uh this guy at the at the rose bowl flea market that I ran into. Where he said he was going to stick pins in us like butterflies and stick us to a cork board.

Yeah. It was weird that he was holding that giant jug that said ether. At least it was clearly labeled. I figured it was just curious George cosplay. Yeah. So I said to him, oh, you know, like he lives in LA. I'm like, Oh, you know, we're going to, we're going to start doing some, some live stuff in LA, by the way, we're going to start doing some live stuff in LA. Thanks for supporting Jordan. Just to go. I was like, we're going to start doing some live stuff in LA. You should come out. And I said, but you know, it's just

going to be the silliest of, you know, silly bullshit. And he said, that's the kind of podcast I love. Yeah, no, it's awesome that we can do this show with this format. And by format, I mean, no format. I'm sure if we if we pitch this show to any podcast company worth its salt, they would say, get the fuck out, please. and come back when you have an unsolved murder that you're going to unpack. Jordan, I understand what this guy is saying. You'll forgive me a

moment of sincerity with our friend Elliot here. But, oh, that I wish that my life had become easy, but especially early on, the pandemic was pretty brutal and there just like, wasn't anything that could poke through. And I know what that guy is talking about because I listened to the flop house. Then I was listening to the flop house and stop

podcasting yourself. And those were the things when I was like really at the lowest I had been in my life, they were the lightness that really meant the world to me. You know, the same is true when I've been feeling great in my life and, and zipping along that I'm thrilled to have that lightness as part of it. But I know that like having something that is sincere and dependable and enjoyable and in good spirits and responsible is really important to me. I love my colleagues' silly bullshit shows. Our listeners remember when Emily Heller was on the show recently, just how desperately I just wanted to talk about Martha Stewart's pony band chunch that comes up a lot on their show. That kind of silly nonsense is real manna for my soul.

And I bet that if you listen to this show that has no premise and is just some dipshits talking, that if you listen to this show that has no premise and is just some dipshits talking every time, you know, we make a lot of silly comments about it, but I bet that you listen to it because you care. Cause here we are, you know, 75 minutes into this show and you're hearing our voices. I bet this show means something to you just like the flop house and stop podcasting yourself and baby geniuses and my colleagues other work means to me. I think that making this kind of stuff is an argument for the idea that not just radio lab is important and worth making. That's what I think. I think radio lab is, but I think of it.

I think this kind of thing is too. Jesse, you took a lot of those words right out of my mouth to which I will say, put them back in my mouth, sir. I think Radiolab is, but I think this kind of thing is too. Jesse, you took a lot of those words right out of my mouth, to which I will say, put them back in my mouth, sir. That was invasive and not appreciated. Get your hands out of there. Wash your hands, goddammit. Elliot's like, goddammit, I was going to talk about how great The Flophouse is. I was going to say how The Floph house picks me up when I'm down. No, but the way that you feel about the flop house is very much the way that I feel about this show, which is one that I listen to sometimes when I'm already feeling good and I want to keep that feeling going often I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to feel welcomed to no matter how much pegging or horses getting kicked in the dick or whatever it gets talked about. Like there is a,

there's such a, an innocent vulgarity to this show that I really love and appreciate. You hit the nail on the head, Elliot. We don't know what any of these things mean. Not pegging, not dick, none of it. There's a certain, there's a certain amount where it's like when you hear children using bad words and you're like, it's adorable. Elliot, we're literally just reading phrases from a chat room we're in. Right. I feel like shows like this, and I'll say The Flophouse also, even though that's ostensibly about film, I guess. Shows like this are, yes, very valuable and very necessary to tutor our own porns because, like you're saying, it's not just serious stuff that's important. It's not just information that's necessary. defiantly irrelevant, like defiantly nonsensical, silly, like something that says to the world, like there's more to life than responsibility. There's more to life than worry or stress or

care. Those are all important things in life. They're all things that we have to shoulder and we should shoulder. You know, we shouldn't just give up and be like that idiot from the rich guy who was in the news a couple of years ago where he was like, I decided I was never going to listen to the news and I was just going to live my life never knowing what was going on in the world. It's like, well, that's great that you can do that. But at the same time, you do need space that is, for lack of a better word, just like fun space. That's fun. That's unapologetic fun. That's, some would say, maximum fun.

Wow. Others might say maximumfun.org slash join. Some might, some might. And this type of fun, it doesn't, unfortunately, it doesn't, it can only be sustained with the help of members, you know, with the, because I know that with the Flophouse, I can justify doing something dumb, like watching Airplane 2, the sequel for the bonus content that we did as a crossover with the Greatest Generation hosts that's going to be coming out for this Max OneDrive, because I think to myself, this is going to be a podcast. This is going to be for somebody, and hopefully they'll support it in a way that I can support my family, but also hopefully they'll enjoy it in a way that I get the enjoyment from the podcast I listen to on this network where it takes me away from the things that I worry about or the things that I'm depressed about and then allows me earlier today about what kind of comedy I feel like I'm gravitating towards in my life these days.

After going through a long period where it felt like everything had to be relevant about everything, everything, everywhere, all at once had to be relevant and to everything. And I said, you look back at the comedy of the 60s and 70s, the late 60s, early 70s and the mid 70s. There's a lot of political comedy. There's a lot of stuff that needed to have political comedy done about it and it's like what's the comedy that sticks out to me the most that i feel like is the most lasting and it's pretty much aside from a few stand aside from like richard pryor and george carlin basically it's steve martin being as resolutely unconnected to anything going on in the world at that moment as possible. And just being- I'm Juba Elliot! And being-

The King Tut exhibition happened to be traveling. That is most topical material was a song about a museum exhibit of ancient Egyptian stuff. I had to have that explained to me 30 times as a kid. Because to have an outlet for that kind of comedy and to have a place to turn to where I know I can get that kind of comedy is something that's, I know, very valuable to me. And that's why I'm a Maximum Fun member. And I always make sure to re-up and be subscribing and membership

besizing each Max Fun Drive, you know? Wait, Elliot, you mentioned that for your bonus content, you watched a dubious sequel, Airplane 2, the one where they go to space, right? The one where they go to space. It's perhaps the most lazily written comedy I've ever – that's not true. There's nonstop jokes. A lot of work was put into the jokes, but it's the same three jokes over and over again in different forms. And that was – it was making me so mad. But anyway, you're saying yes elliot you basically you basically could be talking about one of the movies we watched smoky and the bandit too as part of stash rules everything around me

our burt reynolds mini series that we have just for max fun donors here's what we did we watched six count them six bururt Reynolds classics I guess and we watched him with some of our favorite Max fun hosts past and present here's what you're getting smoky in the band at one with Adam Pranica of the greatest gen the best little whore

house in Texas with Allie Gertz Gator with Maddie Myers Hooper with Dre Clark and Alonzo Duralde, The Cannonball Run with Stuart Wellington of The Flophouse, and The Cherry on Top, Smokey and the Bandit 2 with Elizabeth Gilbert. Yes, that's right. Elizabeth Gilbert, acclaimed novelist and author of Eat, Pray, Love,

not only watched Smokey and the Bandit 2 to prepare for our podcast, but also, and I swear to God, this is real, prepped for watching Smokey and the Bandit 2 by watching Smokey and the Bandit 1. Her thoughts on the movies will thrill you. This was such a fun episode and such a fun mini series. Elizabeth Gilbert is so cool yeah we we laughed our ass off talking with these hilarious people about these very weird very compelling oftentimes movies yeah these were so much fun to do we've done a couple of these as boco in the past or a couple of burt reynolds movies i guess i should say i think we did uh mitchell a little

while back that you can still listen to in the bonus feed. But yeah, this was really fun to do. We wanted to give folks a little something extra this year. We did Malone. Mitchell is the one where he plays our friend Mike. That's a different one. Oh, I'm thinking of the Mystery Science Theater movie with Joe Don Baker. Malone, excuse me. I was about to try to correct you, and then I was like, I don't know Burt Reynolds' filmography well enough to know that he didn't make a movie called Mitchell. It's very possible that he did. Mitchell is adapted from the poster in my childhood bedroom that had 1989 National League MVP Kevin Mitchell on it, but he was dressed as a caveman and it said, Fee-Fi Home Run. No, was that from the line of posters where they did not

have the rights to use the uniforms or the logos? Yes. So they came up with weird, complicated themes. Everybody who joins at $5 a month gets access to those episodes and over 500 hours of bonus content from all the shows. We've done a bunch

of really fun stuff in the past. We did a Jordan and Jesse Go drinking game where Jesse chugged weed sodas. We did an episode from a boat out on MacArthur Park Lake. You have to understand, Jordan, my father was an alcoholic, so I don't drink alcohol. I only chug weed sodas. Only chug weed, yes. Everybody who joins gets that. If you join at $10 a month, Everybody who joins gets that. If you join at $10 a month, you get a Letterpress Maximum Fund membership card and one of 37 re-stickable stickers from artist Olivia Fields. Ours says I'm working on it and it's really good.

Ours says my famous catchphrase, I'm working on it. So you can stick it to your laptop or whatever and let people know you're trying to get a son. I'm working on it. You can stick it to your laptop or whatever and let people know you're trying to get a sun. I'm working on it. It's restickable. So you can stick it to your laptop. Then when you put your laptop away, you can put it on your car window. Then when you park your car, you can bring it with you and just right up there on your pate.

Elliot, what's the uh flophouse sticker i believe the flophouse sticker is is a a literalization of my famous catchphrase of uh if it ain't broca dune fix it that's of course my beloved flophouse character of tom broca who's obsessed with frank herbert's dune and the image i believe is of tom broca in a still suit as worn on arrakis, the planet Dune. Such a long bed. Beautiful. With the emblazoned tagline, if it ain't Brokaw, Dune fix it. This is, of course.

Strangely, if you're not familiar with this and you want to hear an episode-length discussion of the Dune trailer in the character of Tom Brokaw, you'll have to go to the episode entitled Elliot Explains Adam Warlock, because I was all set to explain Adam Warlock, the Marvel character who appears in Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3, but Tom Brokaw hijacked the episode so he could talk about the Dune trailer. And then I think we did another episode where he comes back. So yeah,

that's my beloved long-running character of Tom Brokaw who's obsessed with Dune. Here's the thing. I've been doing this character, I think, for 10 years now. There's lots of great stuff that you can get when you become a member of Maximum Fun. There is all this bonus content that you get when you become a member of Maximum Fun. Ultimately, you know, you can join at 35 bucks a month and get the apron. Elliot was cooking in it. You can join at $5 a month and get the bonus content. What is important to us is that you show us that this show's worth something to you. It's worth paying for by

going to MaximumFun.org slash join and becoming a member at any level. And when I say that, like, I really truly mean that joining at any level is so important and meaningful to us, so significant to us. And we're so grateful for it when you do. Those $5 a month memberships like mean so much. It's where it buys our groceries a hundred percent. It is hopefully, you know, less than you spend on your average streaming service. And I'm guessing you probably spend more time with MaxFunPodcast than you do with, you know, one or more of the streaming services on your role. So yeah, and then that money definitely affects day-to-day operations more than it affects the day-to-day operations of your average streaming service. So yeah, five bucks a month, it makes

a world of difference. Totally affects things at MaxFun more than it affects things at your average giant streaming service. So yeah, get on over there. MaximumFun.org slash join. That's MaximumFun.org slash join. MaximumFun.org slash join. We all said it. We all said it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. said it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Elliot Kalin, presidential medal of honor winner, 1866. You've had quite a century. Oh, it's been, It's been an amazing time. The 19th century?

The 19th century. That was it. They called it the Caelan century. Elliot's deep into his Gilded Age at this point. Right. The greatest generation was, in fact, the Caelan generation. I bet that horse, by the way, wished that he was in his Gilded Age, okay? Get himself in the dick. After that kick, he was.

What does that mean yeah it's like when a horse's uh dick and balls get cut off is that correct it's a neutered horse i don't remember if they if they're fully castrated or not i'm not a i'm not a centaur i don't know horseman stuff but you know the yeah it's when uh let's just take it it's it a horse that's been Castle Freaked, let's say. As in the film Castle Freak, where a man rips his own dick off. Or doesn't. He doesn't, actually. Stuart misremembered it and it's haunted him ever since.

I remember my favorite was when someone on Twitter contacted the director of the film, Stuart Gordon, who has since passed, and just wrote, in the movie Castle Freak, did the freak rip his own ding-dong off? And Stuart Gordon just replied, no. This is why we make art, gentlemen. This is why we make art.

This is what Judd Hirsch was screaming about in The Fablements. A movie that Jesse hasn't seen yet. Tell me what's going on here, Jordan. The Fablements? Anyway, Steven Spielberg finally told his life story on film. After telling the story of so many other great Americans and non-Americans like E.T. And Fievel, of course. Well, Fievel became an American, yeah. Yeah, the story of him becoming an American.

It turned out, though, disappointingly, the streets were not paved with cheese, but in fact were paved with pavement. Better for wheels, not as good for mice. Yeah. He's like, what am I, in a liberal arts college in 1997? These streets are paved with pavement. In 1997, these streets are paved with pavement. Yeah, that was, it was fine. American Tales really ahead of its time when it came to the indie rock movement.

Allusions to Stephen Malkmus. Okay. Anyway. I love that Land Before Time movie where they beat Super Chunk. Don Bl bluth 90s indie rock stuff maximum fun.org join i mean if you're not gonna pay for that i don't know what are you paying for i don't understand

hey so apparently a beloved listener fed thousands and thousands of episodes of jordan jesse go into one of these beloved listener fed thousands and thousands of episodes of Jordan, Jesse go into one of these chat bots. That is sometimes nonsensical and then eventually gets racist. And apparently, are you implying that that's when it starts making sense is when it gets to the racism thing.

Finally, that's the chat bot saying what everybody's thinking. Right? Exactly. Let's send a snowflake chat bot. Okay, guys. Sorry. Can's saying what everybody's thinking. Right, exactly. It's in a snowflake chatbot, okay? Guys, sorry. Can you repeat what you just said? That whole time I was just trying to think of some kind of pun about the secret of NIMH related to late 90s indie rock.

Let us know when you get there. Okay. Mrs. Frisbee and the Goblet of Fire, something like that? Something like that. Wait, the Secret of REM? Yeah. I mean, by then, would you still consider them indie rock by that period? I guess so.

Yeah, I think, you know, they were probably... College or alternative rock. Yeah, sure. They had radio hits at that point. Yeah. That's the scene they came from. That's true. Yeah.

That was when they still had their religion before they lost it, which shot them to superstardom. Yeah. So anyway, a listener named Andrew Brindley fed thousands and thousands of hours of Jordan, Jesse go into a chat bot AI and it wrote a poem about me specifically. So he went into one of these chat bots. Yeah.

Told it to ingest all of Jordanordan jesse go and write a poem about you i think so okay yeah elliot having the most beautiful voice out of the three of us is going to read the poem objectively untrue but i'll read it anyway it's a beautiful yeah okay elliot onerous it's so. And that it sounds like sonar. And I'll read it now. So this is the poem. Jordan Morris, a name that you should know from the Jordan Jesse Go podcast show.

Is the internal rhyme there? That was really nice. His humor and wit. What is this? Wait, is this chat bot Eminem? Yeah, but hold on, Mom Spaghetti. Yeah, here it is, yeah. Hisbot Eminem? Yeah, but hold on, Mom Spaghetti. Yeah, here it is. Yeah.

His humor and wit never fail, a true gem in the podcasting trail. With style and flair, he takes the stage, sharing his thoughts with Grace and Sage. Grace and Sage, of course, your co-hosts. From board games to cats, he's always in the know and even talks about trying to get a son to show. Okay. I would like a son to show. That's pretty rock solid. If the robot came up with Jordan needing a son, that is a great bit.

I'm becoming more and more pro-AI as this goes. Okay. Well, it continues. With Bug, his cat, always by his side, purring away, never wanting to hide. Together they bring joy and laughter making each episode a delight now and after that was a stretch with a voice applies the cats on the show too there's a i mean between the gem on the trail i mean what what are they cowboy geologists hell if there can be cowboy poets there can be cowboy geologists i don't know why

cowboys can do anything it makes with the with the gold rush and everything that you'd need cowboy geologists like that's a good you know your clarence kings for instance the rock star geologists of the 19th century clarence king of course i'm not i'm not excusing him passing as a black man in order to continue an extramarital relationship but you know it know, it was a long time ago. It was a different time, the 1880s and 1890s and things were different then. It was a gilded age. I just wanted to make sure that your listeners were familiar with the scandals of Clarence King, famous geologist of the late 19th century, didn't get mad at me. I'm going to be honest. I think that our listeners are a lot more familiar with the scandals of the 1920s, specifically the Teapot

Dome scandal. Sorry, that's the only scandal I i can i don't read all the scandal rags like jordan does teapot domes they're just like us teapot dome is out picking up kitty litter at the pet store boss tweed he's just like us there's a guy with a money bag for a head getting a starbucks coffee with his girlfriend and yeah right someone's hitting him with a money bag for a head getting a Starbucks coffee with his girlfriend. Right. Someone's hitting him with a stick that says tariffs on it. Continuing the poem. With a voice so soothing and calm, he'll make you smile with a simple psalm. His banter with Jesse always a delight.

Their chemistry, a podcasting win that's so right. Jordan Morris, a name you'll never forget. In podcasting, he's a true asset. With his humor and wit, he leaves us in awe. Not a soccer legend, but still not a flaw. May his stories

continue to entertain and his dream of fatherhood one day he'll obtain. Beautiful. And now I'd like to close the show with one of my famous psalms. I was going to say, I haven't listened to every episode

of Jordan Jesse Go, but I don't remember you reading or recite or singing Psalms often, but does that always a gem though? Yeah. The show's weirdly religious now. Well, Hey Elliot, thank you so much for joining us on this max fun drive episode of Jordan

Jesse go. We hope that folks will go to maximum fund.org slash join and, support the flop house, support this show. And, uh, we have whatever other shows you like on the network. It is super important. It means a lot to us.

And boy, howdy, are you going to love stash rules? Everything around me, our Burt Reynolds mini series, just for folks who go to maximum fund.org slash join. I want to say this as the former and current owner of Maximum Fund.

We try and do this the right way. We make sure creators own their work and now our workers own the company. I'm really proud of that. And we also try and make it simple to support the work of the shows that you listen to. You just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. You click on which shows you listen to and your membership supports those shows. Everybody that clicks on Jordan Jesse Go, you're why we can do this show. There are a billion podcasts out there.

There are a billion podcasting companies out there. I think we're trying to do this the right way, both as a business and as a program. And supporting that work is very simple, very direct. Just go to maximumfund.org slash join. Got the five bucks a month. You can do it. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join and help us on this project. You know, we've been doing this a long time. We're really proud of it.

And we're proud that you listen. And we're proud of everybody that joins. Very grateful as well. So it's MaximumFun.org slash join. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our producer, Daniel Zafran. Producer emeritus, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. You can find us on social media, JordanJesseGo on Twitter, Facebook.com slash JordanJesseGo.

We're on Instagram, of course, at jordandabin morris at put.this.on. And go hit up maximumfund.org this week because there are all kinds of stuff happening between now and the end of the month and the end of the Max Fund Drive. All kinds of cool stuff. Jordan and I are going to be doing some streaming, some live stream type stuff. Lots of our shows are, there's just all kinds of, there's a meetup day, all kinds of cool stuff. So go to MaximumFun.org and check out the whole list of stuff that's happening during the MaxFunDrive.

And while you're there, you know, sign up to become a member, boost your membership, give a gift membership to somebody that hasn't got the scratch to join. And our thanks to our friend Elliot Kalin from The Flophouse. If you're not already a Flophouse listener, it's one of me and Jordan's favorite shows. This is not false flattery here when Jordan and I talk about how much we love The Flophouse. Something that Jordan and I talk about sometimes in real life

is something funny that we both heard on The Flophouse. It's completely true. Three of the funniest fellas to ever get behind three separate mics and legitimately like brilliant insightful film fans too i think that is uh something that flop house fans know you get the laughs and you're also getting some fun insights to the world of the silver screen and elliot probably the funniest guy ever to record a podcast within reaching distance of his worm collection elliot has a giant worm collection and it was a i was very i was very flattered until we got to the qualifier

about how i'm within close worm distance i I'm very proud. I got to get a scoop of your worms, by the way. I got to come over and get a scoop of your worms. Good worms. They do good work. They take all the vegetable matter we don't eat and they just turn it into sweet soil that we then put in our garden boxes. You know what?

That's what we do here at Jordan. I don't know. Maximumfun.org slash join. We'll talk to you next time. Our shit contains nutrients. We shit life. Thank you so much. Our shit is life. Maximumfun.org slash join. We'll talk

to you next time on Jordan and Jessica. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.