Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Splay Balls, with Alice Fraser

Episode Date: June 15, 2023

Comedian and podcaster Alice Fraser (The Gargle, Tea With Alice) is on the pod this week with some hot takes about ice cream, knuckle tattoos, and much more!Pre-order Jordan's upcoming Archie Horror comic "Camp Pickens" at your local comic shop NOW with code APR231183! On shelves 6/21! Get your signed copy at Golden Apple Comics.Go check out all of the delicious options at Nuts.com/jjgo. New customers will get a free gift with purchase and free shipping on orders of $29 or more! 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, detective. Well, Jordan, have you done it? How did it go with your fantasy football draft? No, Jesse, I keep telling you I couldn't do fantasy football this year because the guys are pissed at me, the whole gang. Really?

Lugnut. Beefeater. Beefeater, Jughead. Carpet tape. Carpet tape. Geezer. Oh, man, Geezer. Oh, man. Geezer. If I run into Geezer on the street, it's over for me.

Lump tit. All of them. All of them. I was so happy to hear that lump tit is now cancer free. That's right. Yes. We keep the nickname going to honor his struggle and the struggle of all humans out there spinning around on this crazy blue marble. Yeah, with cells dividing out of control.

We're all lump tit in a way. You were going to go, okay, so I joke that you- No, I've never played a fantasy sport before. Yeah, so no, I didn't played a fantasy sport before. Yeah. So, no, I didn't do a fantasy football draft. I did when I was younger and got obsessed with it and had to stop. No. No. I know.

No, I joke. I'm shocked. A gog. I referred to your trip to Las Vegas where you planned to be a summer boy. Yes. Planned to be a summer boy. Yes. A summer boy, of course, for new listeners, is a type of person of any gender who celebrates the spirit of summer through deed, word, and short pant.

Sure. And Jordan, you had talked about you were going to Las Vegas for a festival of punk rock music. Yes. And bowling. Where you planned to wear your exercise swimming Speedo just around some. And I'm pleased to say that not only did I wear my exercise Speedo at a social event near a pool. It was a black tie wedding. I wore it with a Bart Simpson tank top.

I think you got for me for a birthday. I think I did get you that Bart Simpson tank top. Yes. I have never gotten more compliments on an article of clothing. A real vintage Bart Simpson tank, not just some tank top that I went and a target no this is a circa 1992 bart simpson this is this might be a bootleg from a swap meet that's how good it is that's how premium this thing is uh yeah i've been washing it i've been using a lot of fabric softener so it was a little starchy at first and now it's getting nice and soft i think this bart simpson tank top is i don't know i I don't know. I think it's going to be

with me a lot this summer. Yes. War of the Speedo, War of the Tank Top, felt great. Had a lovely time at Punk Rock Bowling, a great kickoff to the summer boy season. Feeling great, feeling positive. I did have a brief humiliation. Okay. wow. This is not where I expected this to go. Because as soon as I heard you were wearing the tank, I thought, well, this is all going to be gravy from here on out because of the summer boy's natural enemy, the person who's having a Yes. But I, okay. So, you know, growing up, growing up going to, you know, punk rock shows, but not presenting as punk rock myself, there's still nothing I want more than the approval of punks. Right. So what you're saying is that you are punk identified, but your cultural presentation did not match that identity. You were scared to live your truth.

Sure. Yeah, exactly. A coward from 13. A coward and a coward still. No. So, you know, I definitely, you know, wanted the approval of punk guys growing up. But more importantly, like, any attention from a punk babe was a huge deal.

Oh, of course. Huge deal. So anyways, I was at this festival having a good time. I was just coming back from the food truck village, which was amazing. The food truck village at this thing,

fucking, I mean, amazing. You've never seen such a food truck village you know what they say about punk rock bowling festivals it takes a food truck village it does take a food truck i guess i don't know many children were being raised in that food truck village they didn't know who their real parents were and they didn't care what am i gonna start doing like politically correct fairy tales jokes? My circa 1996 Hillary Clinton material rolling out here. Okay, go ahead, Jordan. So I'm coming back from the food truck village. Jay fucking Leno here on my end of the show.

punk rock babes who I was like in line with to get in. And they're like, oh yeah, we, you know, we saw you in line, seen this band. No. And I was like, oh yeah, I'm, you know, I'm here from LA and they're like, oh, we're from Canada. So I'm like, Hey, I, I've, I've got some conversational material here. I was like, Hey, not a lot of Canadian bands here. Of course, you know, a lot of great, a lot of great Canada bands out of punk rock and DOA,

Planet Smashers. It'd be great to see Propaganda here. They're a little more metal these days. Would that be great? And they're kind of nodding along, and I'm like, hey. I'm friends with the guy from Fucked Up. I'm friends with the guy from Fucked Up. I have the email address of the guy from Fucked Up. I'm basically going there, right? I'm going there, and then I finally drop, oh, and

you know, I do a podcast and damien from fucked up basically the most famous punk rock canadian of all time i i know him in the podcast went well and they're just kind of nodding along and after i dropped that one of them goes do you know you have ice cream in your beard what could be more punk rock, Jordan? Yeah, and I don't care. I know it's there. I'm living my life out here, baby. It's summer.

Rock on. There was a Ben and Jerry's truck. That's how good this food truck village was. Jordan, rock on is what punk rock people say to each other, right? Yeah, it is. Rock on. They say. As Johnny Rotten so famously it doesn't matter what your teachers or politicians say rock on

hey ho let's rock on let's rock on with a hey nonny nonny right yes because wasn't shakespeare the original punk rocker yeah i think so although if you ask me it was sir francis bacon okay oh boy oh boy you're shakespeare truth so-called bard no poor people don't know all those words, Jesse. Nope. He couldn't have known the words. Too poor. The so-called bard.

Yes, thank you. It's a false flag operation. Is that what that means? Is a false flag operation when Sir Francis Bacon really wrote the works of Shakespeare? I think in our modern time, you just yell false flag whenever. You just yell it, shuts things down. Yell it out and let the chips fall where they may. Do you know you have ice cream in your beard? False flag. Our guest here on the program is an acclaimed stand-up comic

and a celebrated podcaster from the podcasts The Gargle and Tea with Alice, among others, Alice Fraser. Hi, Alice. How are you? Hi. What a delight it is to be here. I feel like having ice cream in your beard is the natural vengeance of the universe for eating ice cream as an adult. Is this a take so hot it's cold or so cold it's hot? What's going on here? It's melting all the creamy treats within the vicinity. That's how hot it is.

I think we all know, like somewhere in our hearts, we all know that you shouldn't really eat ice cream when you're not a child. And that's why it's so delicious because it feels sort of, oh, like a delightful forbidden treat, like going on a slippery dip as a grown-up. One of those childhood pleasures. Jesse's doing some physical comedy that I would describe as 1994 Jim Carrey-esque. Physical comedy that I would describe as 1994 Jim Carrey-esque. I am the heat with which Alice just entered this fucking chat going 140 miles an hour with this ice cream shit. She thought she could save herself by saying slippery dip, knowing that she could pander to me personally and probably to you jordan by using the australian word for playground slide oh is that i was gonna

go back to slippery dip i knew we were kind of like you know building to something but i made a mental note return to slippery dip seems like it should be if i'm frank a type of ice cream right yes but no it's a playground fingering one of the two a little of each sure i okay so alice you're arguing that the thrill of adult ice cream has to do with living a child's life as an adult. You know it's wrong, but how could it be wrong when it tastes so good? It's not exactly wrong, but it's sort of, yeah, the pleasure of it is one of those pleasures of a more innocent time, I feel. Like voting for a third-party candidate for president?

Exactly that, yeah. It just brings you back to your youth when you were nine or 10 desperately scrabbling into your two-person trench coat to cast a vote in the local election. I, Alice, you should know this about me. We don't know each other well. You were kind enough to invite me on your podcast, as you did with Jordan.

You were both very good. We had a lovely time. It's very kind of you. You were both very good. We had a lovely time. It's very kind of you. It's a great show. I, it's a wonderful program. I have to say, I eat ice cream every day. I mean, I think that's a wonderful thing.

I like to lie on the grass and look at the clouds every day, but I know that's a childhood pleasure. Alice, I can't tell how patronizing you're being right now because you're from a foreign country but just you're you're not you're eating adult flavors you're eating worcestershire right and horseradish like adult look like sophisticated it's all deviled egg flavor steakhouseakhouse flavors. Squid and tomato sauce. Blue cheese.

Actually, there's a whole really popular brand of gelato in Australia that I cannot eat because they had an outlet near to the hospital. And every time we got bad news about my mom, she got sicker and sicker and eventually she died. Every time we got bad news, dad would take us out for ice cream. So now every time I walk past this place, I just feel sad. That is a good way to get the kids to eat healthy, isn't it? Just stick those treats as near to a tragedy as you can. I actually have a sort of similar reverse situation, which is my parents would take me to ice cream. And every time I ate ice cream, I also got a food pellet.

So now I have a positive association. Sure. Growing up, ice cream was shot at me out of a kind of a wire mesh that was shaped vaguely like my mother. Sure. You know, I participated in something called the Stanford ice cream experiment. I, in all sincerity, before we started recording this podcast, which we are recording in the evening, I finished my dinner, let it sit for a while. I was watching the movie, The Wizard with my daughter, Grace, and realized I had not eaten any ice cream yet.

And my window was closing because soon I would be going to record Jordan, Jesse, go, went to the kitchen, realized we only had chocolate ice cream, which I cannot eat, and inside my body pitched a little fit. I didn't reveal it externally. I seemed the cool, calm, and collected fellow that you saw just moments ago as I flopped about like an early 90s Jim Carrey. But I held it together, but I was so upset that there was no ice cream in my freezer that I could eat. And so what I did is I immediately looked for Itzits and I had eaten all the Itzits, which is an ice cream sandwich. What did you you do i fucking ate like five haribo peaches and hated myself are you to a point where you've gotten so used to the sugar that like if you don't have it it's like a coffee crash or something no i just have it's more of like an emotional crash. Okay. It's like the thing that I look forward to all day that like is the thing that I know I'm going to enjoy.

And then when the ice cream isn't there, I don't really care about like candy or like I'll eat candy as readily as anyone else. I don't, I'm not going to like say I hate candy, but it doesn't move the needle for me, so to speak. I feel, I feel the exact same way. I like, yeah, there's a, there's something that candy does not do that ice cream does do. Yeah. And I, I know that, I mean, I literally for most of my life did not eat dessert and I mean, not like never, but as a matter of course, you know, it wasn't something that I was in my house. My wife is a dessert fiend. She likes candy. And it like over the years, it got to the point where I just ate ice cream every day. It's not an excessive volume of ice cream or anything.

And I eat a relatively healthy diet. But yeah, ice cream every day. Alice, when you made that slanderous ice cream remark, is it because it's something – do you eat it and feel kind of bad about it or do you just not have it at all no i i enjoy ice cream when i eat it i just acknowledge that part of the pleasure of of ice cream is that it has a kind of an innocence to it that there's part of part of the the nexus of enjoyableness of ice cream you know the coldness creaminess and then like memories of childhood that it feels we've all seen the graph alice you don't have to describe it to us like if you're you're on the beach it's summer and you're eating an ice cream and any context in which and you're eight years old uh any context in which any of

those are not present it's a it's exciting it's you know i feel like you know if you're eating ice cream in winter, what a thrill. That does feel absolutely filthy. It's sort of transgressive and exciting. Is ice cream your number one treat? Me? Yeah. I wouldn't rank treats.

You're not some sicko. I'm not trying to kill time on a podcast. No, I feel like treats are always contextual. What feels like a treat depends on how virtuous you have been being recently. Because you could be like, ooh, a frozen banana. You know, like if you're being that kind of asshole at that particular time in your life. Or you could be like, and a third block of chocolate. A handful of carob chips from a bin.

I'm so naughty. Exactly. Well, Jordan, you shouldn't be stealing from the health food store. Oh, you could take a handful. They're not going to stop you. Those deadheads aren't going to stop me. They're not going to stop you, but that doesn't mean you should be doing it. I can have a handful of banana chips if I want.

It's outrageous. So it depends on where your kind of moral compass is at the time. Maybe you're being all like free trade and ethically sourced, and so just eating something that's from the supermarket feels exciting. Or again, maybe you're just going full bore in the midst of letting loose. And then like the third or fourth pint of ice cream then feels transgressive and is therefore the top of your list. My rarest indulgence is probably, and this is again,

it's sort of like one of those relative things, but the sweet taste of human flesh. Yeah. Once a year when the kids are at grandma's. Exactly. You know what? I like to put it in a sandwich the day after Thanksgiving Right So I have a friend who is a vegan

That ate his wife's placenta Whoa Wait, was that the only non-vegan thing he had had? For some years, yes Wow Full vegan for ethical reasons you know animals can't consent uh to giving up their flesh but his wife could consent to giving up placenta so he he ate her placenta wait did she eat the placenta as well i don't i don't know

if they sat down together and enjoyed a meal or if he just ate it in front of her. Because the way you're describing it now seems like he was just hanging out waiting with a knife and fork and like a napkin stuck into his shirt. Like a cartoon wolf. My late aunt Claudia was a doula and midwife. And one day I went to visit her in her home in Washington, D.C., and she had this big ass machine in there. And I'm like, Claudia, what is that machine? And she's like, oh, that's a dehydrator encapsulator. And I'm like, what is that? And she's like, she's like, it's, it's, it's for placentas. And I was like, and I was like,

Claudia, really? Like you're dehydrating and encapsulating people's placentas for them. And Claudia just looks me dead in the eyes and she says, would I eat a placenta? No. If these rich white ladies want to pay me to feed it to them, I'll take their money. And I was like, all right. All right, Claudia, I hear you.

How did your friend prepare it? I think he had it with, I think he fried it with some herbs decadent decadent i think the recipe he used was for like some sort of liver liver thing i think there's probably i respect that more than encapsulating it and and dehydrating it like if you're going to do it commit to the full experience of it don't you know hold your nose and put it in a pill. Like go for it. Like eat it raw with both hands. Pour a glass of wine.

Yeah. Feel your juices. Feel your child's juices run into your beard. Women'shealthmag.com, four ways to eat your placenta. Okay. First of all, placenta smoothie. Okay. It includes one cup fresh squeezed orange juice.

It's nice that they don't use the, you know, grocery store stuff. Yeah, the concentrate stuff. There's so much sugar in that. You might as well be eating a Big Mac. Half cup plain organic whole milk yogurt. That sounds nice. One cup frozen strawberries. Placenta.

Oh, I forgot to add the placenta. Yeah. And then it says here. Smoothie's great. Oh, right. I didn't add the placenta. Note, feel free to substitute in your favorite smoothie ingredients. So basically this recipe is just a smoothie, but also placenta.

The steps are put on glove, one, put on gloves if you'd like to use them. I like to handle the placenta wrong. Step two, get pregnant. Yeah. Right. We have to go back a couple of steps because if you need, how do I get the placenta? Step one, put on gloves. Step two, remove the condom.

This is like the preheating the oven thing where you always forget to preheat the oven until you put all the ingredients back. Oh, fuck. I didn't blast in my mate. Oh, boy. I got to go back. Okay. What do we got? Okay.

So that's one. Okay. It's using scissors. Take out a half dollar size chunk from one particular spot. Then place the pieces with the juice in your blender. This is intense. Number seven, though. I'm so sorry.

Number seven is serve in a gorgeous glass with a colorful bendy straw. Does it say that? Yeah, it does. Now, this one. That's just a good tip for beverages. This one is number two is placenta lasagna. Okay. It has an onion, four cloves of garlic, two tablespoons of butter.

Keep away from placenta Garfield. So on and so forth at the end. He hates placenta Mondays. Half pound placenta. Thank you, Matt, for silently reacting. What happens if you have three quarters of a pound of placenta? What do you do with the, I guess you cut it in chunks and throw it in with your favorite,

with your favorite smoothie ingredients, placenta chili. Oh, look at this. This, this looks nice. Okay. The chili sounds pretty good to me.

Is it with beans or without? That's a great question because this can be very controversial. Right. In Texas, it's just placenta, tomato, and chili. There are, this is a no, there's no beans? Oh, no, there's, yeah, there's cooked kidney beans here. So this is a bean. So sorry, Texan maternal cannibals.

This, the final one is placenta truffles. So it's half a cup of unrefined organic coconut oil, three quarters of a cup of organic coconut butter, which you do not want to get involved in some of the pesticides and additives they use in just regular grocery store coconut

butter. Five to six... Because you don't want to get mixed up between coconut oil and coconut butter. Very different. Yeah. Right. I know. It's going to fuck up your baby truffuffles that's how my wife ended up pregnant um uh five to six tablespoons raw cacao powder two to three tablespoons maple syrup sea salt to taste placenta see yeah this i feel this is the worst for me. This is the most upsetting for me. All the others are ways of hiding the taste. I haven't even, Alice, I haven't even addressed step one in this. I mean, the other steps in this are like add the cacao powder, set up candy molds on a tray, pour truffle mix into each mold, that kind of thing. Okay, that's all regular stuff.

Step one, grind your placenta in a coffee grinder until it's very fine. You may need to do it in several batches. So number one, then the problem is once you do it once, all your coffee is going to taste like placenta for weeks, for weeks. Is step one to all of these recipes be Gwyneth Paltrow? Step two. Wait, hold on. This is really upsetting. I apologize. Step two is place a fine mesh strainer over a large bowl and strain your placenta powder into the bowl. The strainer, I'm so grateful for Women's Health Magazine for pointing out some of the places commonly where people go wrong

when they're making truffles out of a placenta. Yeah, the last thing you want in your truffle placenta is chunks. The strainer. It needs to be smooth. It needs to be smooth. I feel like I'm losing you listeners. The strainer will catch the bigger bits of placenta that would be unpleasant to have in your truffles. Toss the bigger bits.

The bigger bits would be unpleasant to have. Or pop them into capsules and consume them that way. This is what you want to avoid, Alice. And I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, obviously. My job of testing placenta recipes. Yeah. The bigger bits of placentas are going to be unpleasant to have in your truffles. You want a nice, universally considered to be pleasant pleasant fine placenta in your truffles

that's why if you go to see's candy you don't find chunky placenta truffles only the smoothies like okay i mean the other recipes genuinely i sort of i i but who puts meat in their truffles like who puts meat in their chocolate yeah pork pork pork truffle now a pork smoothie that i can get on board for but yeah i cooked my wife's placenta here's how it tasted um we should mention it is four in the morning where alice is she is she thank you how what's are okay did you just did you just not go to sleep or did you like set an alarm for 3 45 oh i set an alarm for for 3 30 yeah no i uh i went to bed at the same time as my baby in order to get kind of a jump start on this thing this is why why did we do this to you i i genuinely assumed that i defended you in some

manner this was my penance i mean what's a what's remarkable about it is that we've i did not know this to be the case i presume that you were in town or something. I think what's amazing is that we haven't just asked you to record at a crazy time. Somehow our normal recording time has perfectly hit the worst possible time for you to record. Like one o'clock in the morning would be significantly better as would six o'clock in the morning would be significantly better, as would six o'clock in the morning. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. This is the time that people choose to die. This is.

Is that in your in your DNR? If I become non-responsive, wait till 345 and then get the ball rolling. Are you a early riser or are you a are you you a night owl? I'm a, I have a baby. So sure. Kind of throws all that out the window. Just throws all of that out of the window. One of the things about traveling with a, with a baby is I realized very quickly that all of my jet lag management techniques involve having control over your own sleep schedule. You're like, oh, you know, I'll have a little nap here, but not too long of a nap. And it's like, nah, you're just going to suffer for a week. It's just going to be horrible. Where have you been with the baby?

So I have last year and this year, she's now a year and a half. I've done the same sort of the same circuit more or less, which has gone Perth, Adelaide, Melbourne, Sydney, Tokyo, London, Edinburgh, and then a month in Florence last year, and then back to Sydney. Oh my gosh. I'm doing that again this year, and then I'm done. This is my last year of that kind of touring because now she's a person. Are you like collecting classical marbles and paintings or are you what is leading you on this grand tour of the world? I mean, just the festival circuit, really, with with comedy and. You're doing comedy festivals in Florence and Tokyo?

No, Florence was afterwards. I did just a gig in Tokyo, normal gig to break up the journey. So sort of 10 hours to Tokyo and then 12 hours from Tokyo to London rather than a 24 hour flight. What's the English language comedy gig in Tokyo? It's called the Tokyo Comedy Bar. It's above a Korean barbecue restaurant. It's above a Korean barbecue restaurant, so it smells like Korean barbecue. It's all expats.

Wow. And it's a very fun gig, although the one I did, there were two hecklers in the front row, which I was like, aren't they meant to be very big on politeness in Japan? No. That was your cultural insensitivity, Alice. Yeah, it was. It was me projecting.

It's known as the nation of hecklers. I think, what would you say are the top things for a stand-up comedy club to smell like? Because when you say that it smells like Korean barbecue, it doesn't sound half bad to me. Oh yeah, there's no emotional valency here. I'm not morally judging them. This isn't eating ice cream. I'm just providing a little color, just a little bit of background so you can imagine yourself in my shoes while standing on stage at the Tokyo Comedy Bar. What are your top comedy club smells? I mean, Korean barbecue's got to be up there

In terms of on the less offensive scale Normally it's just sort of sweat and regret Comedy clubs do smell like, yeah Yeah, it smells like Most comedy clubs smell like dorm carpet Like they've just soaked up so much beer Those like, comedy clubs smell like they're sort of the essence of those brown title marks on pillows that come from head sweat and regret tears

sure if you distilled that that and just misted that into the air that's right and if you look if you squint at the little stain it kind of looks like it says go back to grad school you know it'd be a great smell for a comedy club new car new car smell people don't laugh in new cars new cars are a serious business that's true and they lose when you drive the comedy club off the lot it loses 50 of its value i'm glad you brought up head sweat. I've been exercising lately as a 42-year-old man. And I have found that at some point since I last exercised 10 or 15 years ago, I came to be a sort of head fountain. a sort of head fountain. The rest of my body remains not a strong, I'm not a heavy sweater generally. Broadly speaking, I'm a below average, I think, sweater.

But like somewhere around my eyeball level, if you do a circle around my head, that is basically like in New York when they take a giant wrench and open up a fire stand pipe. You know what I mean? And then they take a coffee can and open up a fire stand pipe. You know what I mean? And then they take a coffee can and point it around at little kids who are playing in the street. What exercises are you doing?

Just on an exercise bicycle. Just riding on an exercise bicycle. My physical therapist told me to do it. It doesn't work. Okay. It just makes you tired. I don't know why people do it. To get more tired yeah do you wait

jesse do you have knuckle tattoos now yeah you didn't know how long have you had knuckles no i've no i just like saw i'm like oh i wonder if like one of the kids drew knuckle tattoos on him that's cute and fun no i got him i've only days i mean a few days i uh i went to uh see my friend comics artist and tattooist graham chaffee and uh i got tattoos that's a good knuckle tattoos that say play wow oh my gosh do you have other tattoos i have two other tattoos but they're relatively hidden tattoos i mean like i could one is on my the inside of one of my arms you know on my forearm and one's on my shoulder just regular places

So you can cover it with a business shirt whereas this you can't cover except by a series of ostentatious gold rings Yeah exactly Which makes its own statement I think it's within Jesse's vibe to be just wearing driving gloves everywhere he goes I could wear four finger rings like Radio Raheem from Do The Right Thing it's within jesse's vibe to be just wearing driving gloves everywhere he goes so i could

wear four finger rings like uh radio rahim from do the right thing that say i guess they would just say play and ball um instead of love and hate right it's like oh this guy doesn't have knuckle tattoos he just has rings that say something i think this is a good summer boy move though right yeah no those are great they're really cool did it hurt was it are they uh is that a painful spot yeah i mean i was surprised when i got tattoos which i only did as a you know i don't know maybe i got the first one when i was 33 or 35 or something but i was surprised that it did not hurt as bad as it seemed like it should hurt. When someone is putting holes in you and then shooting stuff into the holes. Sure.

Sort of scraping holes into you, you know? It hurts, but it's not really that bad. It does hurt more on the knuckles, but I took some Adv advil beforehand just in case that seemed to help it hurt but like you know you're just having a nice chat with graham chaffee acclaimed comics artist and tattooist and uh then it's all done i didn't get them filled in uh i have no tats i feel like i haven't i don't know what I would do. So you'd either have to go like extremely trivial in order to overcome the hurdle of, you know, them having to be meaningful. It's like your high school locker combination or something. And then it's just sad.

Yeah. Yeah, I am also a tat-free person, which is maybe part of my looking into the punk rock community from without it. Being too cowardly to get a tattoo, that's definitely part of it. My aunt, there are a few people in my life who started getting tattoos very well in. well in. My mother and father-in-law got tattoos in their early 60s, their first tattoos in their early 60s. Oh, that solves one of the essential tattoo problems, which is what's it going to look like when you're old and saggy. Yeah, exactly. Like that, it just looks like what it looks like. You could bounce a quarter off my mother and father-in-law. These two are as tight as a drum. You could bounce a quarter off my mother and father-in-law. These two are as tight as a drum.

And my Aunt Gail, oft discussed on this program, this is Jesse's auntie's show, but this is my proper blood aunt, my mother's sister, Gail. She got a tattoo of her dead dog when she was 75-ish. Look, and it was a look, Luna was a great dog. I think we can all agree about that. We all miss Pupsworth, but Luna was a really special dog. Uh, but yeah, she got like one of those sort of high level of detail portrait tattoos of her dog at 75 and I know it's pretty badass. Yeah, I think that's good because that's the age where you do worry about forgetting people's faces.

Yeah, exactly. She's actually just mementoing all her dogs. It's what's happening. Each of the dogs gets a portrait on the... I mean, Jordan, I could see a back tattoo of Bug on you. I've thought about it. I've thought, Alice, my cat's name is Bug. I love her dearly.

Yeah, I've considered Bug tattoos. It's funny. is bug i love her dearly yeah i've considered bug tattoos as funny so sarah morgan a favorite guest on this program and i have made a couple of tattoo pledges where like if this happens we'll get this and sarah has a lot of tattoos it would be my first one so she's pretty quick to make these pledges and i i happily enter into them because i'm definitely curious about this. So we said that if our graphic novel Bubble won the Eisner, we'd get a tattoo from Bubble. We didn't win. We recently had another project and we're like, if we get this, we'll get a tattoo. We didn't get it. If Bubble won the Eisner, you should have each gotten a tattoo of Will Eisner, creator of the spirit. Yes. A man we honor with our work day to day. So yes, when I get a tattoo of Will Eisner, creator of the spirit. Yes. A man we honor with our work day to

day. So yes, when I get a tattoo, it will mean I have succeeded at something. So still tat free. Alice, if you were going to get a tattoo, what do you think it might be? When I was a teenager, I was pretty sure that the tattoo that I would get if I got a tattoo what do you think it might be uh well when i was when i was a teenager i was pretty sure that the tattoo that i would get if i got a tattoo would be the uh the word for impermanence in that's funny script that's really good because i really like i grew up burmese buddhist i was brought up burmese buddhist and the whole thing about budd about Buddhism is like impermanence. And I thought that would be quite funny. And it's also a very beautiful, roundy sort of script.

That's solid. Graham, the guy who did my tattoo, has knuckle tattoos that I was inspired by. When I mentioned them to him, he seemed a little embarrassed by them. I thought they were badass. But one says pots and the other says pans. That's solid. Yeah. That was a novelty tattoo that I really have enjoyed consistently each time I thought about it.

Yeah, yeah. I think if I ever had one that was like, oh, this is like a funny pun or this is like just a goof that has no emotional importance, I think I would do it, but I haven't thought of one yet. I've just realized that the perfect prank to enact on you, Jesse, would be to put an S on each of your thumbs so that now instead of play ball, it says splay balls. I mean, all I really have to do is instead of putting them next to each other so that it says play ball, all I have to do is this. Just move my left hand above my right hand and it says ball play. Very nice.

And also now when you flip the birds, it just says, ah. I mean, Jordan, I feel like we're joking around about this, but if there has been anything that you have been committed to in our 20-odd years as comedy partners, it has been not neglecting the balls right yeah oh so so i could see pro ball play tattoos right on your body maybe just the just ball the word ball neglect and it's crossed out with like a ghostbusters sign i could also see maybe you know bull bull busters i don't know you know those kind of like classic sailor tattoos where you know there's a there's like a flowing banner being held up by

two robins or like two red roses or whatever and there's a flowing banner with text, what if you got that and it says Eaton Ain't Cheatin'? That's pretty good. That is pretty good. I mean, I'm not telling you how to live your life, Jordan. I'm just saying you only get one of them, so make it count, buddy. No, you know, listen, I'm going to give this some thought. I need to go in the other room and splay balls for a minute.

But after that, can we come back for some more we'll be back in just a second on jordan jessica it's jordan jessico i'm'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, detective. Now, Jordan, every single episode of Jordan, Jesse Goh is brought to you by the members of Maximum Fun. If you are not already a member of Maximum Fun, why don't you join us? Support Jordan, Jesse Goh directly.

Go to MaximumFun.org slash join to do it. Among other things, you can listen to so many hours of Jordan Jesse Goes that are exclusive to MaxFun members, including our show stream, Stash Rules Everything Around Me, our Burt Reynolds recap podcast. By the way, did you see on Reddit, Jordan,

a lot of ideas for future mustache recaps once we run out of Burt Reynolds movies. Okay. Anything I should start prepping for? I mean, there's some good Eddie Murphy movies where he has a mustache. Tom Selleck, of course. I think that would be a natural next step. Mr. Baseball seems like a natural.

Oh, yeah, sure. Mr. Baseball. But listen, there are new episodes of Stash coming your way later this year. There's some bonus live Jordan Jesse goes getting thrown up in there in that donor feed.

So, yeah, MaximumFun.org slash join. We're also supported this week by the folks over there at Nuts.com. Now, this is a service that sells you snacks and nuts. Yes. Just right up top, I want to say this is a service that sells you snacks like nuts and trail mix, dried fruit, that kind of thing.

It's nothing to make childish jokes about. I'll tell you that much. This is serious. This is a great service. I would never make a childish joke about such a great service that has such delicious snacks, including some dried mango

I was eating earlier today, and it was great, and I loved it. I was eating these bourbon pecans. Oh, I love those. I love those. They're really... I have to be careful. They're so good.

I had to do a decanting strategy where I would take some bourbon pecans and put them into a small bowl, then bring them with me to my desk. Because when I just had the bag of bourbon pecans, they were so good that I would eat my weight in pecans like the way that an ant can carry 15 times its body weight or whatever. Yeah. These things are so, so good. They're seriously one of the greatest snacks I've ever eaten in my life. And we got them from nuts.com. All kinds

of stuff there. You got some healthy stuff. You got some indulgences. They got a lot, and it's all really, really tasty. You can even get specialty flour, Jordan. Yeah. Nuts.com is your one-stop shop for freshly roasted nuts, dried fruit, sweets, pantry staples like specialty flours, and more.

Their wide selection means there is something for everyone. You got gluten-free options, organic stuff, other diet-friendly products. You can shop all a cart at any time or do a hassle-free auto delivery. Go check out all of the delicious options

at nuts.com slash jjgo. New customers will get a free gift with purchase and free shipping on orders of $29 or more. That is nuts.com slash JJ go.

Remember nuts.com is a store where you can buy snacks like dried fruit, nuts, and so forth. Respect them. Do not laugh at nuts.com. We'll be back in just a sec. I'm laughing, Jordan, because I thought of a joke you made earlier. Oh, right. No, we would never laugh at nuts.com slash JJ Go.

Respect the nuts.com slash JJ Go. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Home run. You know, you don't need to give Alice a lot of heads up on what's going to happen for her to hit it out of the park. This lady is ready. It's just because it's so early in the morning, I'm in that drifting pre-associated state. Maybe. And, you know, Alice, you have a lot of great podcast projects. I mean, maybe you start doing all of them at 4 a.m. Yeah.

Maybe this is my moment of becoming. Welcome. Welcome to existence, Alice. This is the birth process and the rest of my career is just eating the placenta. Your moment of becoming. Don't neglect the balls. Thank you. Let us splay.

I was sure you were saying, Alice, I was 100% certain you were saying that you had come up with the nickname Potato Salad because it was four in the morning and you were looking forward to breakfast. And I was like, this is an old. Anything can be breakfast in Australia, Jesse. I know, because it's Christmas in the summer. This is my theory about cake, is that if you put milk on it and put it in a bowl, it counts as breakfast. Sure.

I support it. I support, you know... What is potato salad but uncooked hash browns with a bunch of mayonnaise and onions and shit in it? I was talking to my friend Jay Smooth the other day. Great, great, great podcast about Michael Jackson on Audible, by the way. But Jay Smooth, one of the one of the nicest and smartest dudes I know. And Jay told me that every day for breakfast,

he has a cup of coffee and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And I said to myself, this makes all the sense in the world to me. And I support it without reservation. I had a colleague at university, someone in my class at university who was a genius, and all he ate was peanut butter sandwiches with what we would call jam, but you call jelly. So maybe there's a correlation there. Intelligence in PB&J. I'd be concerned about, you know, scurvy or whatever. Every other feature of nutrition. Yeah, not getting enough amino acids.

If he knew to put a potato in there. Sorry, I should mention that's some powdered placenta in there for the mineral content. Ingredients for a placenta peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Half pound placenta. Wow. Okay. All right. Your favorite nut butter.

That's how my wife ended up pregnant. Yeah, I mean, what's a baby than a little bit of nut butter? Wait, I was a scumbag guy. You're a French guy?

I'm pregnant with Jesse's wife. What is a baby but a handful of nut butter? Yeah, it must be jelly because jam's not made of placenta. Hell yeah. I like peanut butter from my baguette. Okay, I don't even fucking, who gives a shit? What's going on? What is this?

Look, Alice, I can't be held responsible. It's four o'clock in the morning. I'm a little loopy. It's four. Loopy. I'm out of my mind. It's four o'clock in the morning. Okay, we have a moment of shame this week.

Alice, for your benefit, we have people call us or send us voice memos at jjgoatmaximumfun.org when they have something momentous happen to them. That's usually like I just had an offer accepted on my first house or I saw a man walking down the street with an unusual animal on his head. Or a new sex thing that we haven't heard about. That's the main categories. These also, though, have a negative corollary, which is the moment of shame. And this is where we ask people when their most embarrassing, darkest moments happen, when they blunder into the whirling knives of life, that they unburden themselves by calling us at 206-9844-FUN or emailing us at jjgoe at MaximumFun.org with a voice memo. Are we worried that some people call us as part of a kink?

Yes, we are. Worried? Thrilled. Oh. What more secure career is there? You're right. You know what I mean? This is MaximumFun.org slash join as Fyndom.

I support it. Sure. I'm behind it, whatever it takes. If you're some nasty freak out there calling us and leaving your shames on our voicemail. Yeah. Then as long as you go to Maximumfun.org slash join, and not just a one-time, become a real member. Then you can leave all the nasty shit. And for God's sake, splay those balls.

Hello, Jordan. Hello, Jesse. Hello, possible guest. I'm calling in with a moment of shame. The other day, I went to my next-door neighbor's house and shared a joint with him. And then I came home and passed out on my floor, much to my wife's chagrin. And I somehow sustained a rib injury from passing out on the floor and it won't heal. So I have spent the last three weeks sleeping in a chair upright.

And I got to tell you, it fucking sucks love you guys bye love you too buddy i just uh what kind of joint did this guy smoke that he fell on the floor passed out and hurt himself yeah it sounds like uh this guy can't handle his shit. Oh. Yeah. This guy should have passed the Dutchie. Learn to handle your shit. Yeah, thank you. Puff Puff pass out, right? Am I right?

The Puff Puff pass out. Hello, please pass a joint to me. I wish to sleep in a chair. I will say this. As I have gotten older, I am faced with two physical challenges. Right. Sweaty head. And this is, of course, each day i awake and play double dare soon you'll win that Sega Genesis

trip to space camp two physical challenges one is lower back pain like so many of us human beings not destined to uh it's we weren't built to stand upright and we don't all spend all our fucking days at the verdugo aquatic center it's done i've my back is my back hasn't been sore in five years congratulations on the we're fucking your your little swimming pants and you not sore back, Jordan. My pristine spine. People are taking pictures of my spine for spine books. That's how. My back is just coming up off four days of being seriously, like, badly done.

And this is my first, like, walking around, sitting up kind of. Oh, wow. I'm glad we're standing in between you and a good night's sleep. Yeah. It was my own fault. I'll tell you after. Okay. So sleeping with some pillows under my knees, that helps a lot with waking up with a sore back. It makes a big difference. But when I get a migraine headache at night, when it gets bad, lying down makes it way worse, but I desperately need to go to sleep. And for this combination of reasons, I have spent the last 15-ish years seriously considering what it would be like to buy a sleeping chair.

I wouldn't always sleep in the chair, I don't think, but somewhere in my home, preferably not somewhere that guests could see or I could see. I don't want to look at a chair that you can sleep in. I can't imagine a good-looking chair. What I'm picturing is a car wash massage chair. Yeah, I mean, that's about what I'm thinking about. Didn't we have... No, no, no. You want a slab.

What you want is one of those slabs that you can go up and down in various directions. So you can hang upside down for torsion on your back, relieve back pressure. And then also you could just slant yourself slightly upwards as well sort of like a frankenstein's monster situation just strap yourself in right yeah that would work because i mean jesse you've always said fire bad right that's my core principle right that's your next tattoo right? When I go into a job interview and they ask me about what I really believe, believe, I just say, at the end of the day, I'm worried I'm going to work too hard. Sure.

And fire bad. Fire bad. When can you start? But I really do like, didn't we have a guest on our show, Jordan, who knew everything about massage chairs? Oh, I don't know. That doesn't ring a bell. We've done a lot of these. I think someone came on Jordan, Jesse, Go.

It was like Eliza or something and secretly was a massage chair expert. And they had moved. This is why I remember. Because they had moved. It was definitely a lady, but that's all I remember. But she had moved. And when you buy the massage chair, if you buy the right kind, it comes with moving services.

So when you move, people from the massage chair company come and move the chair move just the chair just because it weighs 25 000 pounds or whatever it's like buying a it's like sitting in a piano basically no this sounds this sounds interesting i would love it if whoever maintains our wiki could let us know what was the massage chair app yeah i i think that's a great idea um central to this is just let us know so that we don't have to listen to our show. Go, God, please. Help us.

Yes. Do us a kindness. Hey, Jordan. Hmm. We each of us have talked about a summer boy activity that we've already engaged in. Yes. You hung out in your Bart Simpson tank top with your bikini swim trunks.

Yeah. In a public context. I got the summer game, one of its most famous phrases, tattooed on my knuckles. That's true. I think that's about as good as it's going to get from me. You had one that you wanted to do when we were talking about this.

Do you remember what it was? No. Bigger hats? Was that Brendan's? Was that bigger hats? Anyway, another task for folks who are updating the wiki. Anyway. I did do a classic Summer Boy thing,

a classic summer boy thing something that we talked about when i think when summer boy was brand new but something that really moves me which is i made limonada de coco great yeah because i had gone i had gone to the store i needed one lime but they only had a bag of limes so i bought the bag of limes i juiced them all and i limes. I juiced them all. And I said, what am I going to do with all this lime juice? I remembered I had some coconut milk in the cabinet, made some limonada de coco, which is a sugar, lime juice, um, coconut milk and ice blended together. It's a popular drink. And if I remember correctly, Columbia, and it is the best thing you can ever drink. It is the most delicious

single thing on earth. Just as good as it gets. Alice? There's a whole song about that recipe. Oh, yeah. I mean, I use a blender, but it depends on how vigorous your ability to shake it all up is. Listen, they don't write songs

about placenta chili. If you had ever seen Harry Nilsson shake it all up, the fucking piston on this guy. Unbelievable. Alice, other than celebrating Christmas, what are some Antipodean summer boy activities that you could recommend to people across the globe uh well i think uh you've got jordan's kind of cue i think which is to wear swimming gear outside of

the ambit of swimming locations that i think is a very summer boy activity. They did a study, like genuine, like a science study in the 90s in Australia about how far away you could get from Bondi Beach wearing just tighty-whities. Okay. White underpants. Wet. Wait, hold on. Pause, pause, pause, pause, pause. In Australia, do people wear tighty-whities to the beach?

So, okay, I should contextualize. In Australia, it is not abnormal to see somebody just go, oh, you know, I want to go for a swim. I forgot my cosy. I'm just going to go in my undies. Sorry, what did they forget? Their cosy, their swimming costume. Got it.

Okay. Love it. Love it, love it, Love it. Love it. Sorry. Yeah. This whole thing, this whole experience is like riding a slippery dip as far as I'm concerned. Just a real thrill. That it's just considered a fairly normal thing to go in your undies.

And so, yeah, they just would ask people seeing this man walking down the road in wet bonds underpants if they thought it was okay. And it's surprisingly far away from the beach in Sydney, in Australia, in wet underpants before anyone raises an eyebrow. You can get all the way into a public library. I mean, that opera house is right there on the water. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't even dare to try and wear pants, trousers. It's tighty-whities or nothing at the world-famous Sydney Opera House. Plop down, watch yourself some Madame Butterfly.

Mm-hmm. Ooh, Carmen. Boy, I all hang. Sure. I hope people don't see that I've been playing my balls. Sorry, I'm just going to keep talking. Alice, i just loved that it was great it was beautiful it was really good uh yeah do you have any other uh summer shit in mind that you're excited about um i i've been chasing summer since my daughter was born because i'm sort of afraid of cold and babies you know i think it's

very cute when babies are in like winter and they're wrapped up like a little marshmallow, but I have, I have a fear of that. And I quite enjoy just the singlet and nappy combo for, for clothing a baby. So I've been going from summer to summer, which has been delightful. In Australia,

Jordan. I think that's probably the most summer boy thing you can do. Yeah. In, in Australia, Jordan, babies wear singlets because they're forced to do professional wrestling. Wait, do we mean the same thing by singlet?

I think we know what you're talking about. It's a sleeveless vest sort of situation, yes. Jordan, in Australia vest means professional wrestling outfit it's a cruel society I know in Australia vest means professional wrestling investment

are there any other I'm very sincere about this Australia one of the great summer nations as far as I'm concerned and not just because you have summer all winter long, but what other distinctively Australian summer activities are there that we could recommend to people who are listening right now in Montana or Leeds, England?

Well, a particularly Australian sort of event is the sausage sizzle, which happens both when we have an election and all summer long. So when you vote, you get your democracy sausage afterwards. Is this government issued? No, no, it's usually a gold coin donation. Mostly the voting happens in places like school halls or whatever, and there's usually some sort of a, yeah, just a sausage sizzle, very much a cheap sausage, tomato sauce, and a piece of white bread,

maybe some onions if you're feeling excited. This sounds like some American-ass shit that you're doing. I'm sorry. This feels stolen to me. It feels like we should be the ones who have the democracy sausages. Does this pay for a rural volunteer fire department of some kind? Usually things like that or sort of

an improvement to the school boat or whatever. You know, that kind of school boat. Okay. So first of all, I don't know what a gold coin donation is. Second of all, do all schools have boats or are all schools on boats

like riverboat gambling? No, not all schools have boats. Fancy private schools have boats usually. So that's just indicative of the places that I've lived while being of voting age. I live in quite a nice suburb.

Crappy flat, nice suburb when I'm in Sydney. I'm literally struck dumb by the thought of a, like just not like a university, just like 15-year-olds head down to the school boat? Sort of rowing, you know, competitive rowing. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. That makes sense. That makes a ton of sense. I was thinking like a frigate. Like an ultra yacht.

I was thinking maybe a catamaran or one of those, you know, those kind of boats where there's a wing underneath the hull. And so when it gets going, the hull lifts up out of the water so it can go extra fast. Listen, there's the great character building moments of your teenage years. And one of those is when you're out on the school boat,

you're drinking underage, Tommy slips and hits his head, you throw him overboard, you make a pact not to tell anyone. That's an important part of growing up. And how are you going to do that unless there's a school boat? Honestly, Jordan, if we didn't have school boats, we couldn't have that happen.

If we couldn't have that happen, we wouldn't have a Supreme Court. Thank you. Yes. Our most. Would have been just a bunch of people appointed by Jimmy Carter or whatever. Sure. Yeah. And nobody gets a sausage.

Sausage is for none. What kind of tomato sauce are we? Sorry to go back to the sausage sizzle thing. No, no, that's okay. Yeah, yeah. The tomato sauce, is it like a ketchup-y? You'd call it ketchup, yeah. Oh, okay.

Got it. Sorry. I need to translate for you American cultural imperialists. I love everything about it. Tomato sauce is what we call a pro wrestler in Australia. Tomato sauce is what got my wife pregnant. Thank you. There you go. Hey, you guys want to get Jesse's wife pregnant and then come back for a little bit more?

Yeah, why not? La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Parenting. It's hard hard but don't worry you're not alone belly up to the low bar with one bad mother and let us remind you that fine is good enough they want to climb on different things and how am i supposed to keep them both from dying there is a right way to do this. And if I can figure out that right way, I'm going to be a good parent. So that is not a thing. So join us each week and let us tell you

that you are doing a good job. You can listen to One Bad Mother on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Like how Jamila Jamil survived a horrific house party and she was on crutches. This is great. Or how Hal Lublin learned a Shakespearean monologue in his pajamas. This is not the speech we approve. Without your love and life tragedies, there would be no podcast.

In fact, I have an exclusive look at how Maggie Lawson's mom confronted her after a sneaky basement meetup with her crush. Spill the tea, JV. Security. Listen to The JV Club with Janet Varney, Thursdays on Maximum Fun. Class of forever. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Alice Fraser, democracy sausage. If people are engaging in summer boy activities, we want to hear about them. We do. Because we never would have known about sausage sizzles if it hadn't been for Alice Fraser calling in, which is what I'm calling her waking up at 4 o'clock in the morning to do our stupid podcast. Sure.

Going to pretend it was voluntary. It's not even the worst night I've had this week, man. My point is that, you know, Jordan and I only have certain, a certain cultural vision on the world. You know, we're aware of the limitations of our own awareness of others and their cultural practices. You know, we're aware of the limitations of our own awareness of others and their cultural practices. You know what I mean? And I think that intercultural exchange is so vital.

Right. Yes. To building a 21st century America and indeed to the interconnected world. You know, it's like Hillary Clinton says. Yes. We're trying to create a kind of truck village. I really do believe though, that we have listeners from across this great world, from all kinds of families, from all kinds of social situations, from all kinds of contexts with all kinds of personalities, all kinds of skills.

And I would love for us all to be sharing between ourselves and each other's summer boy best practices. I think it's a really beautiful thing that you know how ignorant you are. I often wondered, when you dream, do you know how ignorant you are? Is there sort of a Freddy Dunning-Kruger effect? Did you just have that written down on a piece of paper in front of you and you're just waiting for it to? No, it just came to me just then.

Okay. Good work. Really good. Good work. You should get somehow involved in business with Andy Zaltzman. That's my recommendation to you. Man, I hate to. Good work. You should get somehow involved in business with Andy Zaltzman. That's my recommendation to you. Man, if you're throwing these heaters at 4 a.m., what do you like at 5 p.m.? Way worse.

Way worse. Alice, we mentioned in the show that Jesse and I were both guests on your great podcast, Tea with Alice. Tons of fun. Love that show. You've had many podcasts. Oh, yes. No, yes. It depends on what you mean by have.

But, yes, I've done too many podcasts in my life. I've often guest on The Bugle, speaking of Andy Zaltzman. And I will usually sort of do a documentary or two for Audible here and there and got The Gargle, which is like satirical news comedy but not about politics. The Bugle was the audio newspaper for Visual World. That's the slogan of The Bugle, right? That is. And The Gargle is the glossy magazine to the audio newspaper

for Visual World because they asked me to do a spinoff, which was a great compliment. I really love the Bugle audience. It was such like a delight to kind of step into this universe. And they said, what do you want to do? And I was like, not write another joke about Donald Trump for a while, please. Yeah. Because there was a point there where I was doing, like I would do a satirical news show like called Thank God It's Fridays on the ABC and then I'd also be doing

The Gargle that week and I'd be writing for the News Quiz and then I would also be doing Irrational Fear, which is an Australian satirical news podcast. So it would be the same story and I would have to write four different jokes about the same story. And I don't know if you know, but it's very hard to write new jokes about that. Use the same joke, just change the names. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Right. Make, yeah, just make jokes about how Tom Cruise is orange and has a bad toupee. It says here, uh, Donald Frump was elected president of the United States this week. That's so tricky to say something original and interesting about. You have to dig quite deep into the news. And the deeper you dig into the news, I don't know if you know about this, but the more depressing it gets. Sure, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, Alice, think about how depressing it is for us. We don't have anything original or interesting to say about literally anything. I mean, not just the news. A lot of people struggle to come up with interesting and original things to say about the news. For us, it's the world at large. It's a very hard thing. Can I tell you my moment of shame? Oh, yeah, please do. By all means. Yes, of course. Related to my back injury. At least do it. By all means. Yes, of course. Which is directly related to my back injury.

Mm-hmm. So what happened was in Tokyo, there's a lot of walking around in Tokyo. I don't know if you know, but it's a very walkie sort of city. And my toddler likes to be strapped to my front like a little Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles facing outward. Oh, you don't have to explain Krang. We know Krang. The audience knows Krang. Yeah, this is all we know.

Yes, yes, yes. All we know. all we know. Yes, yes, yes. All we know. All we know. Yes, yes, yes. Excellent. I will say I didn't know that Tokyo was such a walkie city. I know it really only as the city of hecklers. Right.

Yes. Well, yes. But they have to walk to get there. Boy, are their arms tired. They walk on get there. And boy, are their arms tired. So I'm walking sort of 25,000, 30,000 steps a day with a sort of a 13 kilogram toddler strapped to my front. So when I arrived in London after a 14 hour flight, I thought, I need a massage. Fair enough. I booked one, you know, but I've got a toddler. So what do you do? How do you, how do you negotiate this? So I thought I'll book one of those massage people that comes to the place that you're staying and lays out a table and massages you. And then I thought I'll also book a babysitter.

What I did not anticipate was that I have a babysitter who's a regular babysitter in Australia and that it would take a little while for my toddler to warm to this new babysitter. and that it would take a little while for my toddler to warm to this new babysitter. And so while I was getting the massage, my toddler kept breaking in and trying to climb the situation. And by the situation, I mean me. You were getting massaged from the situation. And I was like, this is a little bit, but my back's really sore. I feel like I still need to do it. It's still relaxing. It's still relaxing. And the massage lady was very lovely. She said, oh, I've got kids as well. So there was a brief period there where my baby and I were both lying on the bed and she was massaging one of us with each hand. And I was like, this is, this is still relaxing. And then

she said, turn over and I'll massage your neck. And my toddler crawled up my shirt and started breastfeeding. And I called it, I was like, this isn't working, is it? But what I should have done was commit because the very next night I had a gig in Essex and I came home at midnight and there was a security door to the Airbnb that I had not been told about that was closed and locked and I did not have a key and I wasn't told the code. I didn't know that there was a security door and I was messaging the Airbnb lady and trying to call and there was nothing.

So I went mad. Normally I'm quite a calm person but apparently bars between me and my baby at midnight is the thing that makes me go mad so i tried to rip the security door out of the wall just like krang yeah you should we you had done some angel dust i've done comedy in essex which is much the same as hallucination yeah it's right above an angel dust barbecue. Yeah, I felt very much like a chimp trying to escape something. And I don't know if it's like Holocaust epigenetics

or just mother juice or whatever it was, but I was like these bars are not going to stand against my mighty strength. And then they did. And then a very nice lady passing by said, oh, I'm also in a basement flat. Would you like to come in my uh flat come through I've got a ladder that takes you up out of the basement courtyard and you can take the ladder and drop it down into your courtyard and climb into your flat that way which is what I did wow that is

that is amazing that her first reaction seeing someone trying to rip the door off is let me help you in let me assist you I have some ladder maneuvers you might be interested in yeah it was we had a little bit of an interchange which involved me sort of sobbing while my baby uh and so you know she took pity and very kindly uh gave me the means by which to absolutely fuck my own back wow oh my gosh so you're the injury occurred uh on gosh. So the injury occurred on the ladder? The injury occurred at some point during the proceedings and after the adrenaline wore off and I woke up the next day, I was like, oh. I was trying to rip a door off and it was taxing. of that fact scenario, that week's worth of backfucking activities,

lots of walking around, lots of being on an airplane with a toddler on your lap as well because under two they fly free but they don't give them a seat so they just sit on you. And when I say sit on, I mean try to climb. Yeah, like you were some sort of The Situation or Snooki. Yeah. Was it one of those where you could only move in certain ways, but it was okay when you weren't moving in those ways, or was it a permanent pain?

It was one of those ones where it's okay as long as you don't move at all. Any kind of movement was the wrong kind of movement. The toddler was down with that, I'm sure, right? Just absolutely delighted. You know how they always say, Goo-goo't move mom observe me still is a still is a mountain lake you know what i hate stability and the status quo what where are you at right now back pain wise at the moment it's it's in achy territory but no longer that feeling that it might. But not breaky. More achy, but maybe not so much breaky. About the kind of, about how my

heart feels normally. Sure. Yes. Got it. Well, we're grateful for your time. We're grateful to you for waking up at four o'clock in the morning. I wish we hadn't made you do that. So apologies. I'm delighted to be here. Thank you for your time. Jordan, Jesse, go. Produced by Matt Lieb, our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and their label, Light in the Attic, our thanks to them. You can find us on social media. It is at Jordan, Jesse, go on Twitter,

facebook.com slash jordangessigo maximumfun.reddit.com we're each on instagram at jordandavidmorris and at put.this.on if you're not already a member of Maximum Fun go become one maximumfun.org slash join

that's how we keep the lights on I think that's enough we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

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