Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Tea Snob, with Johnny Pemberton

Episode Date: February 27, 2026

On today’s episode, we welcome Fallout's Johnny Pemberton to the show to chat with us about Vincent Price, manifesting his ghoul arm, how to score free hot water at a coffee shop, and much more. * Follow Johnny on Instagram.  *Catch seasons 1 and 2 of Fallout on Amazon Prime. *Pre-order Jordan’s new Web of Venom comic. *Catch Jesse and Judge John Hodgman LIVE for Night Court at the Bell House in NYC on March 6th and 7th! *Check out a Predator Double Feature with Jordan Morris at the Friday Cinema tomorrow on February 26th! *Catch Jordan at Books with Pictures in Eugene, Oregon on February 28th where he’ll be signing copies of Predator! *Join Jordan Morris and the Doughboys Live at The Aladdin Theater on February 28 or on March first at the Neptune Theatre. * Celebrate 25 years of Bullseye! * Order Jordan’s new Predator comic: Black, White & Blood! * Order Jordan’s new Venom comic! * Donate to Al Otro Lado. * Purchase signed copies of *Youth Group* and *Bubble* from Mission: Comics And Art!   ~ NEW JJGo MERCH ~ Get  Bronto Dino-Merch! Get our ‘Ack Tuah’ shirt in the Max Fun store. Grab an ‘Ack Tuah’ mug! The Maximum Fun Bookshop! Follow the podcast on Instagram and send us your dank memes! Check out Jesse’s thrifted clothing store, Put This On. Follow producer, Jordan Kauwling, on Instagram. Thank you to our engineer, Gabe Mara!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I am the colonel, Jesse Thorne. Jordan Morris, man, out of time. Okay, tell me about why you are out of time. Well, I had an experience recently that maybe... I mean, I see that you're wearing sleeve garters, but besides that.

Right, no, those are in now. It's called looks maxing. Okay. It involves... Sleep garters. It involves chipping away at your jawbone with a hammer and sleeve garters. And filing your teeth like the ancient lions. Yeah, I have some psychotic TikToks to send you.

But no, I had an experience recently that made me ask myself, when am I? Oh, okay. I was at the coffee bean the other day. I'll stop you right there. And tea leaf? You better believe it. Thank you very much. You better believe it.

I was wondering if they'd jettison some dead weight. They had not. No, it's still the coffee bean and... tea leaf. I was waiting in line behind a kind of mid-50s, 50-year-old guy. Didn't look like he was from the 50s. He was in his 50s. Right. This isn't that guy that tinks of the smokehouse. No, this is not Jimmy Angel Teen Idol. Oh, God, I wish. I would have fanned out so hard. You'd buy his coffee. Yeah. Sir, can I purchase your coffee for you? Right. Can I purchase the glass of whole milk that you're order from this coffee shop.

If you're, if you're liking this story, see. Sir, don't even order. Can I get two cold buttermilks? Two cold butter milks for me and the teen idol. So you were behind a 50-ish,

mid-50s man. The, uh, barista, the, you know, like 17-year-old barista asks him, what'll you have? And he's like, I mean, black coffee?

Can I, can I, can I, Can I get a black? Do you have black coffee? I mean, I don't, what's a, what's an espresso mocha, frapp? Can I get a black Do you even have a black coffee? I'm glad you have, do you know what black coffee is? I'm glad you brought this up because I went to buy coffee at Starbucks the other day. And I hear this person in front of me, they're like, can I get a ice cold half soy? And I'm like, I don't even know what these sizes are.

Say medium. Do you have a? medium. So anyway, I'm with this guy. I'm like, can I just get, and I don't drink coffee, obviously, but I do go buy it from time to time. Just to see what the new sizes are. Yeah, yeah. Take a whiff. Take a nice whiff. But I'm with this guy who's in his mid-50s, who is doing this confusion bit from 1995. Yeah. From roughly the time of, so I married an ex-murder. I'm going to say this was a bit written originally for Frazier's dad to do at the Cafe Nervosa. I couldn't, and I feel like I've heard this like three times in the last couple months.

This is, is this back? Is this I'm confused by coffee, which has been like this for 25 years back? Can I ask a question? Yeah. You know how they're like strong arming universities into dropping DEI programs? Yes. Is the result of that this? Is this what?

Okay. They want to bring back. Is this what they want to bring back? Help me, help me follow this. I'm not sure. I'm not ruling it out, but I want to hear your logic. So I always assume. Our guest has a question.

Okay. Should we bring in our guest? Our guest has a question. And he raised his hand, by the way. How fucking polite. It's fantastic. Yeah. Our guest is a stand-up comedian.

He's an actor. He's on the television show, Fallout. Yeah, yeah. He's the star of an upcoming film called Mermaid. Not to be confused with mermaids. It's not share. Not share.

Not sure. Not involved. We'd love to have you. Share, if you're listening, come by. But in the meantime, we're thrilled to have Johnny Pemberton. Johnny, you had a question. Yes. Hello.

Great to be here. I'll take my answer off air. The chair recognizes Johnny Pemberton. Ask your question and then leave. A long time listener, first time caller. George, so these lizard people know, it's more of a statement. Yeah. Actually.

I think what you're talking about is a MAGA-coded thing. Yes. So what I'm saying is it is an anti-D-EI. Did you think for a minute you were on coast-to-coast with George Norrie? Is that? I got confused. Yeah. I had a MAGOMO.

I think it might be, like, it might be the DEI, that they thought DEI was protecting Italians and their espresso drinks. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So they're the kind of racists who don't even like Italians and Irish. people. Exactly.

They're like a real. Yeah, yeah. They're still trying to figure them out. Yeah. They know some guys. Well, who's this Pope guy that are always worshipping, right? Yeah.

He ain't God. Is that why that's back? Is that like a, do you think that's like a cultural thing these guys are doing? Yeah, honestly I think it is kind of like that because I've never seen that ever, but I've seen TikTok's making fun of it though. I think right now, was this guy maybe making a TikTok? Was he like, did he have his phone at crotch level when he was doing this? I think if you.

you go on that, what's that conservative streaming platform? There's like a YouTube for conservatives that keep getting kicked off of YouTube. Yeah. If you go on that, it's just people reading out loud from politically correct bedtime stories. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Like the Cash Patel book. It's just like everything, everything that they were upset about in 1992, they've just been holding and it's just been festering inside them for the past 30 plus years. And now they're like, this is my time to shine. I've got this stuff about how Hillary Clinton is a lesbian. These are all evergreens.

These are this, yeah. I've got this stuff about sanitation engineers, so-called. And I'm going to let it fly. Right. People in turbines. Anyway. I don't even know what to order when I go into one of these places, though. You know.

I know. I'm like, can I get a half? No whip. Moka double decap, no whip, double lid? Yeah. Like this guy doesn't even know that like macha is around yet. I bet this guy doesn't even, this guy doesn't even clocked macha. And I'm glad you brought this up, Johnny, because when I go in and I don't drink coffee. Not at all, never?

I just order all lid. Oh, a lid? Yeah. Well, it's generally a stack of lids. Wow. Is that expensive or is that sort of like a thing where they don't know what to do? Like, they're like, oh, I guess it's free. You mean like when I order club soda at a bar?

Yeah. That can be like go both ways because I'm a tea guy. If I order club soda and I don't drink. And when you go to a bar and you order a club soda, it might be free. It might cost $6. Right. They just make it up on the spot. Just say like when you're at the coffee place and you just want a cup full of lids.

Just say like, oh, I'm driving. I don't want to be too jittery. I just want to eat this lid in peace. Excuse me, I'm driving. Actually, I'm in CA. Right. You're a tea guy, Johnny. Well, I like coffee.

I love coffee. But I do like tea a lot too. Okay. But a lot of times you go to a coffee shop and I will bring my own tea because I'm a tea snob. Okay. And what's your, what's your tea? Are you, you seeping it? Are we loose leaf?

Loose leaf. I like loose leaf, but you know, you can travel with that. How do you like your notebooks? I like them, bound. Okay. Bound. Spottle, bound, loose. Bound notebooks.

Loose. Tea. Yeah. I like my tea, like I like my notebooks, which are like women. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes. Which is, you know.

Hold on. I need to start writing this down. Okay. So I like my, they're women like their notebooks. Right. I'm making a mind map up here on the whiteboard. Yeah. I try, I do travel loose leaf tea, but I'll have like the bags of the good stuff.

If you go to a coffee shop. What's a good stuff? PG tips is good. Okay. That's a standby, like Rishi tea is really good. Okay. I think their stuff's really great. They have a Chinese breakfast.

It's outstanding. You're drinking a black tea. You're drinking a caffeinated tea. Full-on black tea. I'm a full-on black tea guy. But a lot of times, coffee shops have bad tea. And so if you just ask for hot water, most of the time, they'll just give it to you for free. Right.

Especially, I found the key is to offer to pay. If you offer to pay for it, they want to give it to you for free. Right. So what do you say? Can I buy some hot water? I say, how much is it for just some hot water? And then you start counting ones. And you just have a stack of ones.

I look my fingers a bunch of them. You prepare to pay. You do that kind of. Yeah. I spool them off. You start biting nickels. Like, let me find you a real one. All right.

Yeah. I do that. Okay. Always works out. Do you ever drink an herbal or an infusion? Nah. I do a little herbal sometimes at night. But tonight I'm doing black because it's late and I'm very tired.

I'm so goddamn tired. You're bringing a lot of great energy to the podcast. Just if you're something. conscious about that. I've done it before. I've done a podcast before. So I feel like, you know, I know how to, um, yeah, to save it up. I feel like a problem with a lot of herbal teas is that they taste bad. Yeah, they do. I mean, like, camomile, camamil, the one of the top two teas, wouldn't you say like, yeah, it's a big tea. Big tea. And it tastes a little like grass clippings. Like it's not only tastes like that, but it's not insignificant.

This tea, some people think this tea taste bad that I have right now. Okay, what kind of tea are we drinking? This is some tea I got in Canada called Scottish breakfast. It's a mix of Ceylon. Wait, Scottish breakfast, Chinese breakfast? All these countries have, I only thought people had, in England had breakfast. It's a mix of Ceylon tea and sheep intestines. Oh, right, right, right.

Ceylon, haggis, just ground haggis, a psal and some lapsing in there too. This is me when I go into the tea shop. English breakfast? Cuban breakfast? Can I just get a breakfast from England? Do you even have it? Do you even have it? You have it?

You have your pocket constitution there, like a stretched out shirt. Right. Those guys are, man. Oakley's sitting on my hat. They're hard to come by these days. I love to go in the coffee bean and tea leaf. Do a quick free speech on it.

Yeah. A free speech audit. I'd first throw down a free speech audit. I have a friend named John, one of my flea market friends. Right. I got a colorful flea market friends. Oh, the best, ultimate. All their characters.

You go to the flea market. They're all their characters. These people are... You don't have to be crazy to work at the flea market, but it helps. These people are suey generous. That's why they work at the flea market. You know what I mean? These folks are auto-didacts.

These are march to the beat of their own drummer. My friend John, punk rock guy. He is a record dealer. So he's... I know him. He's always at the post office. Yeah? Over there in Eagle Rock.

Over there, an Eagle Rock. Mailing out records that he's sold on popular websites. Mm-hmm. And he was there one day when some guys came in and did a free speech audit. Maybe I kind of sort of know what this is. So I'll get into it. I think I walked into a post office once when it had just happened when people were talking about it. Guys, I don't really know what this is.

I thought this was a joke. So, people actually do this? Oh, we don't do that on this show. No, it's like a, it's like sovereign, it's sovereign citizen. Jason. Okay, I know about that. Okay, so it's like the people. Tell us about it already, Jesse. So, John, he's a punk rock guy, but he's a peaceful man. He teaches screen printing at Pasadena City College. Okay. This is the kind of, this is an artsy guy. Okay. I, when he started telling me about this, I thought he might hit me. Whoa, he's so angry. Yeah. Guys go in there and then

they just like harass people. And the basis of this is, is that you can say or do anything on public property. Right, especially government. Federal property. You can say or do anything. So you could just like go up to the thing and like yell the N-word at an old lady. And then the goal is to try and get them to call the cops

so you can film yourself telling the cops that you're allowed to say anything on public property. Wow. But so are these people also anti-cop? Yes. Okay. Yes. There's a weird intersection.

I'm having a hard time cobbling together a world view. They're like the equivalent of those guys that like occupied the federal lands, like the Forest Department. Right. You know, they're like, the like public lands ranchers. They're like the urban equivalent of that. And they're a lot like Alf.

They're from the planet Melmack. They love cats. They love eating cats. But they don't want to pet them. They love to eat cats. They have to build an entire set with a sunken layer. so that the guy who operates them can move around, but then they run out of plots

because Alf can't, because they can't leave the house set. Well, Alf was always a free speech warrior. He was, yeah. He was sent by God to our planet. That is a free speech warrior. Yeah, I mean, I think Alf was the original edge lord. Yeah.

Oh, man. He kind of is. He is in a weird way. Yeah. I could see someone saying something insane and shitty to you online and you look and they have an alf avatar. I can see that happening. And nothing again, I like Alf and I know you're a big Alf household.

Yeah, my daughter loves Alf, so I've seen a lot of Alfs as an adult man. I had seen some Alps at age eight. And then there was a 40-year period or whatever, 35-year periods. And Alph, the dark ages we call it. Alf re-entered my life, and I was surprised and impressed at how funny Alf is. I especially like Alf. That's my favorite part, and Willie. Willie.

I like how Willie seems angry that he's on the show and like he's going to cry all the time. But anyway, Alf is pretty fun. My daughter pointed out to me the other day, she goes, you know the guy that does Alf? And I'm like, yeah, she's like, he's never done anything else besides Alf. And he's still just like trying to get Alf movies made. Yeah. What? Yeah.

That's cool. There's been a couple different little Alf comeback things. I think there was like one season of an Alf talk show that's maybe like on, it was on like a stream. platform that went away. Yeah. Is he like mented, though, from royalties, or is he got to get screwed over? He's got to be, right? Like, at some point, Alf, like, has to have done some national ad campaigns.

Yeah. He got 10 mil for, right? And was set for life. But maybe he got screwed over, though, you know? Maybe it's almost things where he created it and stuff. He doesn't, you never know. I think that happens all the time. I honestly, I heard that one of the California raisins died on Skid Row.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Of exposure, which is hard in Illinois. Now, where'd you hear that? Especially for a reason, too. I told myself that right before I said it. Actually, I heard this do the great fine. You know what I was trying to get you to do?

You did that. Thank you, Johnny. Thank you, Johnny. Thank you. It wasn't super, thank you, John. No, that was really clear. I'm the, I'm the, I'm the, I'm the putts here. Camberton, you're the co-host now.

Can I tell you. Here's what I should have said. Now, what kind of vine did you hear that through? Uh-huh. And then you could have said. Yeah. Hey, we're doing great work here. Oh, it's California Sunshine.

Back at it with the vans. Fine. or the guy who does the flip in the crispy cream vine. Right? These are famous, remember the app, Vine? Oh my God, yeah, I was on Vine. I liked it. Here we go.

Yeah, I think people are nostalgic for Vine. I was a Vineiac. Wow. I wasn't a Vine star, but I enjoyed it. Did Vine ever have a, like, oh, well, like, Vines all Nazis now? Like, it never had that. No, they just stopped having it. It was very successful, and they just stopped because they figured something else would make them even richer than that.

Right. I want to say a good television thing. Oh, sure, please. Because I feel like in many ways it is the opposite of a free speech audit. I was trying to watch something with my daughter last night. And right now, my daughter is obsessed with movies, but she will not watch movies right now. So we've just watched a lot of sitcoms. Okay.

Wait, she's obsessed movies, but she won't watch them? Not right now. No, it's the whole thing. And you just have to take my word for it, Johnny. I'm taking it. And we at our, look, we watched the first episode of the new Tracy Morgan show. That was very funny. I'm excited to see that.

We watched a lot of shows, but I was like, I don't want to watch another Bob's Burgers right now. Like, there's a lot of great shows out there, and I didn't want to watch any of them. So I'm, like, clicking around on my Roku, trying to find something that I want to watch, because she also doesn't want to watch. I tried to talk her into watching that show where Idris Elba is hijacking a train. You're talking about hijack? Yeah. That's a fun one.

I wanted to watch that. Season one, it's a plane. Season two, it's a train. She wasn't on board for that. And so I'm at the point where I've already gone through all these Hulus and Netflix. I'm like, I don't want to watch any of this shit. Can I just watch TV? Can I watch?

Can I watch some funny people? Like one guy or something? With like Tim Allen. Yeah. What about like a show where a guy lives with two girls? Like a mean to his family? place, like a food place, a hamburger place? It's like some girls were kind of hot and the guy is maybe...

I'm looking for a show about men but not full integrs. Well, two is fine, but then not a lot more men than that. I can't do tons of men. So I ended up, I opened the PBS app, which I don't know what I think I'm going to get out of the PBS app. Some information. I do have a PBS living subscription, but that's inside my Amazon Prime. where I watch Fallout with Johnny Pemberton. Yeah.

And so I open the PBS app. I don't even know what you can watch on it without having a PBS passport, which I don't have right now. So I'm looking around, and my daughter's favorite things are like cult movies that the category overall is cult movies Dana Gould loves. Okay.

Oh, that's a good category. Yeah. Dana Gould is her real father. Okay. I can only assume. Yeah. But I just happened to like click three times on this app. It wasn't

looking for anything in particular. And there it is, Hewell Hauser and Vincent Price. Wow. And you know, Vincent Price has an art museum at East L.A. College in East Los Angeles. I didn't know that. Yeah. And I've been there. My daughter

and I went there. It's a great museum, actually. And Hewelhouser shot an entire episode with Vincent Price at the Vincent Price Art Museum. That's like two of the most hilarious voices. It was amazing. You're somebody who likes to paint pictures?

Well, I don't paint them. I just collect them. Oh, so you don't paint them. You just get them from people who do paint them. Yes, I appreciate them. Is that because you don't know how? Because I don't know how either. It's not one of my skills.

It was, because it's not just that they're both. It was probably better than this. And this is great. Oh, significantly better than this. It's not just that they're, they're ridiculous talkers. They are both ridiculous talkers and I don't want to undersell that. Like, I feel like we've done a great job of capturing that element of it. It's that they are also two of history's most magical men. Like, one of the great gifts that my daughter has given me is I

had no fucking clue about Vincent Price other than knowing that Dana Gould liked him and he was on thriller. Like, I had never seen any of those Vincent Price movies. It just was outsized. side of my cultural circle. I know his weird cooking shows he did in the 17. I had no idea. Yeah. I just feel like that's all I know him. Like, I think I had seen him on the Muppet show maybe.

But like he's fucking amazing in every movie he's in. That's why people talk about how great he is. Not all the movies are amazing, but some of them are. But he's amazing in all of them. But more than that, yeah, he was a fucking gourmet chef. I didn't know that. He was plowing his way through Hollywood while also having a loving relationship. with his wife.

Wait, he was a straight guy? No, that's the thing. He had a loving relationship with his wife, but also access to any butt he wanted. Okay. Or mouth, or vice versa. Whatever configuration of sexuality there was was available to Vincent Price in 1970. And besides that, he wrote all these gourmet cookbooks. He hosted multiple cooking shows.

and he had a master's degree in art history. He majored in art history at Yale and then got a master's degree at art history and some art school in London that I don't remember what it was and had this monstrous art collection. So it is like watching Vincent Price love art, which he's doing in this thing. And then watching Hewell-Hauser love Vincent Price. Another guy, I mean, talk about guys that had access to fucking any guy in Los Angeles. Yeah, I think he was. Who wouldn't fuck Hugh Louser?

I think he got around. Yeah. I mean, he was in the Navy. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I believe he, when he first got to town, I believe he was staying at the YMCA. I think so. I think he probably was.

It's by the ambassador. Hey, I've heard that you can have a good meal. Yes. I like a good meal. But like, watching these two guys who's, like, greatest gift in the world, is to appreciate what's going on around them and add magic to the lives of everyone else. That's funny, man, I've got to watch that.

There's this moment where... It's an episode of California's gold. This is an episode of visiting. Okay. Another one of Fuelhouser shows. And it's half from 1989 with Vincent Price, and then half is them visiting the museum after it was built. Like, there was a gallery on the campus for many decades,

but they built a big museum after Vincent Price died. So that was like maybe from 20 years ago The second half of the episode With his daughter who is wonderful So eloquent and thoughtful And there's this moment in the 1989 part With Vincent Price Where he's walking around

And you know he's wearing a full Vincent Price outfit Like purple velvet? Yeah He's like wearing like a checked sport coat And you know grey flannel trousers And a white handkerchief That is six to eight inches Out of the top of his coat pocket

Almost flopping over, huh? Yeah, it is like it is a Vesuvian in its qualities. And he's just going around talking to, like he visits the pottery classes and stuff. It's really wonderful. It's like a working collection of art. He's showing Kuel around the gallery, showing him his Picasso's or whatever.

But there's this part where there's this girl who's sitting on a bench and she has like bright purple hair and looks like sort of like Robert Smith. You know what I mean? Like she's got a sort of like a cure look to her. and he goes, love the hair and sits down with her, she doesn't care at all. She is completely unimpressed. And is not concerned she's being filmed?

She's aware, she has no interest in any of it. She's just like, huh? Right. And you're like, that's Vincent Price. What kind of God? He's the God of your people. That sounds like something Robert Smith would also be like, you know? I know.

It was really. It was a breathtaking. It's only 18 seconds of the episode, but it was really stuck with me. Because I imagine that... She probably freaked out when she got home. You know, but you gotta keep up the facade. In 2003, I think, somebody called her on her first cell phone and was like, holy shit. I was watching PBS.

And she's like, I'm at Vincent Price. Mm-hmm. Is his accent English? What is it? No, he's American. It's a theaterman. It's a theaterman. It's sort of like a, it's just the accent of education and, uh, fanciness and smooth.

Steakapua. Right. Knowing how to pronounce things in French with ease. Knowing what type of wine to drink at different times, including a tawny porto. Oh, knowing when to have tawny. Yeah. That's hard. Speaking of scrolling through a television app, I,

started the new season of Fallout, loved the first season, excited to make my way into the second season. Very fun show. Johnny, you didn't appear in the first episode, but I was looking at all the episodes coming up. You're in one of the thumbnails, bro. Yeah. Jesse, this dude is in one of the fucking thumbnails. Right there on Amazon Prime Video? Yeah. Wow. How does it feel? In which show? But Fallout. Oh, Fallout. He's on that. Bosch. They just stuck him in the thumbnail of Bosch. I'm in it as a guy. as a character, yeah. I've seen in his

sort of like a little zombie outfit. Yeah, he's sort of becoming something. Yeah. Becoming some kind of a different thing than he used to be. He's not like a regular human anymore. Are you ever just like, are you in that?

And you're like, what am I some kind of freak? Yeah, but mostly I'm just so uncomfortable. I'm kind of like not really thinking about anything. Just thinking about what itching will feel like later. I watched on your Instagram some social media content that you had made. And you were doing an incredible...

First of all, I want to congratulate you on doing wonderful work to do casual social media content on behalf of a brand. This is very challenging. Absolutely. It's challenging work, but you had a lot of millions of views

and it was very fun, very funny little video. Was it the one where I was giving the tour of the set? Yeah. You're just walking around being breezy. You know, it's like you don't want to do too much humor, but you don't want to do not enough humor because you just want everyone

to feel like they're friends with you, not like they're seeing a performance, but also you need to give them a performance or else they don't feel like they want to be friends with you. You were doing a great job, but the whole time you were wearing your zombie makeup, and I was just like, God, it's got to be hard to act casual

when you're wearing it on zombie makeup, and it's like itching. It's a weird thing. It doesn't itch at all, actually. Oh. It just feels sort of like someone very strong is squeezing your head. Oh.

And some days it feels better than others. Nice. Yeah, but like, like, like someone's like squeezing your head to try to get to you to tell you to something like where what's the code right like uh like for kind of a bad squeeze there's good squeezes and there's bad squeezes because yeah yeah it's definitely it's so uncomfortable but it's so also i try to think about it because people always for the first few weeks of shooting it people always ask how you doing i'm like please don't ask me because then i have then i have to think about how i feel you don't want to have

to do what my children call body scan dude i hate you i I used to hate all the time because that's like the greeting on set all the time is, hey, how are you? How are you? I'm like, I used to always say Hawaii because I pretend that that's like the saying, how are you? Just because, yeah, I'm always so uncomfortable. I don't want to think about it.

And the best way to feel better is just to, you know, dive into the work, just work on stuff. But then we have to think about how, because also people treat you weird sometimes too, because you look like a freak. You look weird. and there's this thing or sometimes certain people they'll look at you like, yeah, so I think we're, you know, we're going to be going over there. You're going to be, you're going to come in there

and just like no eye contact. Okay, is it that bad? I'm me. I'm a man. I'm a person inside here. Yeah. I get that when I'm wearing one of those ping pong ball suits for CGI. All right.

Yeah. I wear those recreationally. Just, yeah, just in case. In case somebody wants to film you. Well, they're very comfortable. Are they? Yeah, super comfortable because some of it was like wind resistance.

I don't know what it is. Like a weird type of Bernoulli's principle. I actually, here's something that I did with mine. I got one of those ping pong ball suits. And I took some dick pills. Oh. So that it would, so the crotch area would be bigger because it acts as a sail effect when I'm ski jumping.

Wow. Is that considered cheating? Is that a performance-hancing drug for the Olympics? I don't do it competitively, only recreationally. Oh, so you're allowed. It's like a league where you can do it. You're trying to get as much air as you can for yourself. Yeah.

And my huge crank, my now huge cranks. Now, this interesting is, what I've heard is that the balls, the balls on the suit, they're as sensitive as human balls. I've been saying this since Jurassic Park. When you're wearing one of those mocap suits, do not neglect the balls. Yeah, I did ballwork on that. Yeah. Yeah, I was a ballman. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I did a bunch of ballwork. That was probably an early gig for you, right? Early 90s. All got cut. But there's one point where you can see the dinosaur's toe. That's me. Wow. The T-Rex.

Now, is that your toe? It's my whole body. Okay. Yeah, because they need someone to articulate. They're big creatures. They're big animals. They're big animals. Non-union.

Oh, okay. Uncredited non-union. So you don't get residuals. No. It's got a flat fee up front. Day rate. We get free lunch. Okay.

And we get a second meal if we go past 12. Oh, that's nice. But no golden time. Yeah. Oh, okay. They have to let you go for golden time. But you're going to be part of one of the greatest blockbusters all the time. You can't put a price on that.

I do signings every week. I'm one of those, I work sometimes as one of those police officers on film sets. And that's purely volunteer. I just go down there, I get my police officer outfit, put that on. Put the mustache, the handle bar. The handle bar. I get my, you pop a couple dick pills. Yes.

It helps you stay on the motorcycle. Yeah. We have a huge erect. Get on my stolen police motorcycle. Yeah. I usually fight a cop for his outfit first. I've never fought a cop. I want to try it out, but...

It's worth it. It's worth it. It's sort of the ultimate thrill. I hear that. If you kill him. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of consequences. There are probably some consequences. I always carry a protractor in case they have to do geometry or kill a cop, because straight

through the trachea. Pro tractor? Yeah. Are you thinking of a compass maybe? Yeah, I'm probably thinking of us. I mean, you could, the protractor's not, not, I mean, you could sharpen it. If it was metal. I keep a T-square.

I keep a T-square with me. Yeah, I use a T-square for that, I think. Should we take a quick break? Let's take a break. Yes. I'm going to gather some geometry tools. We'll see which, what the deadliest ones are. And some free masonry equipment.

See what we can do with them. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Every single episode of Jordan Jesse Go is of course brought to you by the members of Maximum Fun. Our thanks to the members of Maximum Fun. It's also brought to you this week by our friends at Car Gurus. If you're shopping for a car, you know that it can be a total freaking nightmare. I mean, it just is the kind of thing that wears you out. But if you use Car Gurus, their advanced search tools, unbiased deal ratings, and price history, cut through the noise and make it easy. It's the number one rated car shopping app in Canada on the Apple app and Google Play Store.

You can use those tools, search through hundreds of thousands of cars from top rated dealers, and then if you find something you like, they can connect you with trusted dealerships when you're ready so that your buying process is transparent and hassle-free. Buy your next car today with CarGurus at CarGurus.com. go to car gurus.c a to make sure your big deal is the best deal. And if you're listening to this in the New York City area, I hope that you will remember to join me and John Hodgman at Judge John Hodgman at the Bellhouse. That's March 6th and 7th Friday and Saturday night.

It is an all-new show. It is going to be a blast. You can buy those tickets on the Bellhouse website or at maximumfund.org slash events. Let's get back to the show. La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La It's a big boy. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective.

I'm Johnny Pemberton, a real big boy. Sort of more medium. I think he's pretty medium. He's a big boy. You think he's a big boy? Well, I mean, Johnny? Hold on. Among smalls, I'm a big.

But also, you sleep through the night. You go in the big boy pot. Do you got a boom-boom-bo-mo and your daddy? I don't know. I'm not sure. They haven't talked to me about that. My parents haven't talked about it. I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay. Okay. It's going to be fun when they do. I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to the talk. This is a great, wouldn't you say this is a great age for Johnny? Oh, it's a fun age. I like it.

It feels good. You know, the youngs think I'm old and the olds think I'm young. So, you know, nobody will take me in. What are you like more? Olds or youngs? Yeah, that's a great question. How do you, what do you prefer? I prefer old to youngs.

I prefer... As a medium. I kind of prefer the youngs because they seem to be nice and hip. They are. About certain things that I'm surprised about. Some of the olds are a little stodgy and they kind of are like, oh, this isn't like it used to be. It's like, yeah, everything isn't like it used to be. That's a good point, Johnny.

You know? It's a good point. Been into the coffee bean lately. Have you been into that place? Have you been into the coffee bean? I don't go there. Yeah, it's too confusing. Because I'm a young.

I'm with the Youngs. We don't go to coffee, Bean. What do you do? Where are you going? I'm going to independent mom and pops, obviously. Independent mom, yeah. Oh, right. I'm making it home.

Like a local electrician. Exactly. Or a hardware store. Oh, Union. You always use a Union electrician for your hot drinks. Always. I always check their car, when they come in, make sure the water's being heated by Union. When I go into a coffee shop, the first thing I say to them is bonded, bonded, licensed, insured.

show me the paperwork. I always ask for the elevator certificate if they have one. Thank you. Thank you very much. Well, they're like, it's filed down at City Hall and you're like, let's go down there. There was my idea for the worst travel show in America. It's just a guy going around asking to see the elevator certificate because they always say it's available upon request. Right.

But you know that if you go on there, they're going to be like, oh shit, no one's ever asked for that. It's like, well, I got all the time, I've got a camera card. I think I've seen somewhere they're like, it's available at another location and you have to go there. And Hugh Houser goes with you. Right, yeah. I want to see the elevator station. Oh, my. That is a handsome certificate.

Up and down. Wow, this does say three years prior to now. Is it safe to ride this? Now, what is that an Otis? Otis is a great company. Chicago. He's friends with Dolly Parton. I'd like to go to the basement.

He's here, too. That's funny. Christopher walking, how'd you get in here? Jesse, do you're walking? No, okay. Yeah, probably not. Probably not. Who's going to replace him as far as like the go-to, the uncle impression, the

impression that you're, you know, the one that's the go-to? He acted in radio sitcoms. He did, didn't he? Yeah. He did. He was in Annie Hall, wasn't he? In like 1950. Wow.

Yeah. That guy is unbelievable. He's been at it. Yeah, he's in a fat boy slam music video. Like, the diversity is insane. He was in the fat boys. A lot of people don't know that. He got kicked out of the fat boys before they came back. He's like Pete Best of the Fat Boys? He was the Pete Best of the Fat Boys. He was the Pete Best of the Fat Boys. He did, a lot of people don't know this, but he made the original demo for their collaboration with the Beach Boys. Their surfing USA song. Wow. Although, you know, I will say this, they kicked him out of the band. They went on to be whack. He's never been whack.

Never, not once. Yeah. I feel like we took like a break from the Wocken impression as a society. Rightfully. Yeah. There was too much walking. Yeah.

And too many people asking everybody to get in the chopper. Sure, get in the chopper. Oh, that's a big turk, John Wayne. Oh, John Wayne. Yeah, that was one that I only knew as a chopper. from impressions.

I'm like, who is this guy? I don't think I've ever seen a John Wayne movie in my entire life. What's his name? The guy who plays Green Goblin? Willem DeFoe. I want Wilm Defoe to be the new. The guy you do is that. That's a pretty good one.

That's fun, too. I had a great time. I ate a lot of sausage. I'd like to see the elevator certificate. Yeah, mine isn't you. Mine isn't great. I'll work on it. I'm the Green Goblin.

That's good that you would say that. I'm going to gobble. What is the guy who just passed away recently, the character actor, a super soft-spoken guy who played a lot of scary roles, but sometimes he would be... Yes. Was it? William Holden. Yes, right.

He kind of talked like... Was it? What was his name? Owen? It was something Owen maybe. No. Tom Newton. Tom Noon.

That guy is a cool way of speaking. Cool way. Let's all work on our Noonan impression. I don't know if I can even do a Tom Noon. To honor him. Who even are the distinctive talkers of this generation? Powers Booth, gone. Yeah.

Who are the extraordinary talkers under the age of 45? I think just a big problem is that no one is famous anymore. Yeah. Isn't that interesting? That is true. You just can't be famous anymore because. Well, you're famous. You're like so famous that people have a meltdown next to someone who's like,

what's that? Yeah, like, I'm sure like if someone did an impression of someone from Landman and it was fucking perfect, I would be like, well, I don't know, but also many people know what that. Anyway, I think, I think what we need to do is create a monoculture again. I've got an incredible, Jordan, I got an unbelievable tracker, but you're never going to hear it. Tracker. Tracker. I'm never going to give you my tracker.

Jesse, what does tracker sound like when he's asking for the elevator certificate? He says, can I have the elevator certificate? Because I caught him again. Oh, that's so tracker. I caught him again. Maybe, I don't know. That's so crazy. I know it's a show.

I don't know what happens on it. I watched an episode or two once just to know. Just to know what people actually watch. What America's watching. What is America? Yeah. And it's sort of like, it's like one of those things where it's so middle of the road. It's not even middle of the road.

Yeah. You feel kind of like, is this it? Is this really? This is the thing you're like, you're like, I guess this is television shows. Yeah. Yeah. When sometimes a streaming platform will take a break from telling you to watch something you would want to watch or something that you really don't want to watch and will just

show you a regular thing. And it's so confusing that there's a regular thing right there in the middle of like reality shows about real life murders and like a show starring Matt Barry that the algorithm figured out you want to see. We're scared? Yeah. That's a distinctive voice. It is.

I think you could do a Matt Barry in a room full of comedy hipsters and it would track. I do think that Matt Barry is doing a voice though. Yeah, he might also be doing a Matt Barry impression. Yeah, I think there's a great decline in a regional accent. I think that's got to be part of that. Sure. Like, I believe Huell was from Tennessee, if I'm not. mistaken. And I don't think that even people in Tennessee talk like that. You know what I mean?

Not the ones who are you're going to know about. They're locked in. Should we? No, I'm all sad. Should we listen to some calls and then respond how Tracker might respond? Yeah, that's a really good idea. When something momentous happens to you, like you finally get your guy. Oh, just like tracker or Landman. Does Landman, who does Landman, what is Landman? I think Landman's trying to chase people down, right? He's got to be. Yeah, I think he's that get Reacher in there, too, and then you've got some. Reacher, yeah. And then there's a show with Caitlin Olson

that's a huge hit show, but it's not a comedy? I don't know. What is that? It's like a procedural that stars Kate, I haven't seen the show, but it's like one of the biggest shows on television is Caitlin Olson in a cop procedural of some kind. I think that's that's heated rivalry.

Oh, yeah, heated rivalry. That's what you're thinking of. Thank you. Yeah, she plays a hockey player. Yeah. A real horridor. Orty hockey player. Oh, she's horny. Anyway, record a voice memo when something momentous happens to you and then send it to us at JJGo at maximum fun.org. Here's a perfect example of somebody who's done that. Hi, Jordan.

Hi, Jesse. Hi, guest. Probably Amy Poehler this week. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. You can probably hear my voice is quite strained. and the reason it is like this today is because I just played my first curling bonch spiel as Skip and we got to the quarterfinals we didn't win but it was super fun it was the first time playing with my team um yeah and so for those of you unfamiliar with curling it involves a lot of yelling so that you can

tell your teammates what to do in a very loud uh room of echoing people doing the same thing on neighboring sheets. So, yay, go curling. Love you, bye. You guys. Love you, too. I know a lot about curling. Really?

I just shot a movie in Canada about curling. And they shot that in Canada. In Canada, about the American Olympic team. Okay, so what, so I was confused about a couple of things in this call. Maybe you could help out. This woman said, like, what her position was. So the skip is the, it's like the, it's like the, captain. Right. And like the skipper on a boat, it's like the skipper. Makes sense. The skip. And there's

four people on a curling team. That's very cool. Anyway, the sheet is like the rink. That's what they call the space. You know, you throw the the stones on, the rocks. Yeah. That's so funny. Of all the, of all the things, I'm like, oh, oh, perfect. Did you curl as part of the movie? Did you, yeah, we spent like two weeks learning to curl. Would you say play curling or you just you would say curl? I don't know, actually. I told. I told you. totally hurled. Yeah. That's a whole other thing, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Did you enjoy it? I did, but it's hard, man. Did you have anything related to curling on in the special skills section of your acting resume? I did not. My special skills for years was total bullshit, like, filled with, like, stuff like, uh... I think most people are very honest in that section.

It's my understanding. I had stuff like can ride horses at full speed. Full speed. Has prosthetic arm. Kill Snake. Just all kinds of stuff like that. To be fair, and that social media content that I saw, you were holding a prosthetic arm. Now I kind of do.

So fast forward, I guess I kind of manifested it, right? But no curling in there. I didn't have any curling in there. How were you at ice skating? I mean, did you come from a frozen land originally? I'm from Minnesota. Oh, okay. I mean, the people in Minnesota curl.

They do. But when I was growing up, I never, I didn't know it even existed. Really? No idea. I think it's more of a northern Minnesota thing. It's also more of like a Minnesota, Minnesota. And I grew up in southeast Minnesota where it's kind of like, I don't know. For some reason, the town I grew up in was not.

I never heard of curling until the Olympics, like 2008 or something was the first curling. What about ice fishing? Did you know about that? I knew about it. What about hot dish? I knew about it. But my mom was from Louisiana. So she was like.

My mom too. Yeah. Really? Yeah. My mom was the late Paul Prude home. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Wow.

I love her spices. Anyways. Ask your mom if she knew Gail. Okay, Gail. She knows about 400 Gales. Maybe they met. What brought your mother, I'm sorry to leave curling behind a subject that is of interest to everyone who's listening. Sure.

And refocus on your ancestry. How did your mother end up going from Louisiana to Minnesota? She married my dad and they met in New Orleans. he was a doctor there, went to medical school, and went to, he was also at his residency. The two of them met up. Right. He was like, well, it's sort of an opposite to track situation. She's a hot lady from Louisiana.

Right. He's a cold distant Minnesota. Very, yeah, very cold distant. And they made the natural decision should we live in southeastern Minnesota or New Orleans, and they chose southeastern Minnesota. That's because that's what the Mayo Clinic is. I hear that's a great clinic. It's a very, very great clinic, yeah.

Especially if you're looking for a condiment clinic. If they do have a good amount of ketchup available there, I think so. Yeah. Great. So there's a whole breadth of relish. You can get brown sauce there. Wow. Okay.

Which is. That's regional. Or houses of parliament sauce. Yeah. Tabasco or Crystal. They got them both. Yeah. Did you do any ice snow sports as a kid?

Do a little skiing. Do a little skiing. Try to play hockey as a little skiing. kid, but... Snow skiing? It's definitely snow skiing, yeah. That's the best kind of, I think. You ever go off a jump? Oh, yeah.

Really? Oh, I was so into it. I broke my thumb. I think I was about maybe 13 going off a jump. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Somebody told me that in Norway, which won all of the Winter Olympics medals, that in Norway they have socialized ski jumps.

So if you're a child, it doesn't matter what side of the tracks you're from. you can just show up to a ski jump, they'll give you special shoes in the whole nine yards, and run you down the shoe. Just even with no experience? They don't care if you're experienced. Again, they don't care what side of the tracks you're from. I bet you actually got to have like a library card type thing for them to scan.

Yeah, no, I would imagine that there's something for you to, for them to scan, sure. Can't do something like that without getting scanned. Maybe they even have a voice scanner like in the movie sneakers. That would be cool. You say, my voice is my passport. Verify me. Give me some skis. Give me some skis.

Put me down the shoot. That's pretty crazy. I didn't know that. What about, what about moguls? Oh, yeah, I definitely did that. Yeah, really? I was really into skiing. I was really into it.

When did you stop skiing? I think. Or stop being really into skiing? Probably when I got in high school, I think. I don't know. I can't remember now. So you were 12 years old. You were going down bumps?

Yeah, I had a good friend who was a very good skier, and I would ski with him, so it kind of forced me to try to follow him and he was like hitting jumps doing these huge like John F. Kennedy Jr.? Yeah, JFK Jr. Yes. My good friend, my good older friend, JFK Jr.

was taking me out on the bumps as we call it. The bumps. And like the cool kids skied. Oh, for sure, yeah. Yeah. Those kids would like smoke weed in the woods at the hills and stuff.

But admit the hills there are like terrible. I went to Colorado once, I think in high school or something like that. And there's so, like, 10 times longer than every run they have. Right. That's the part, because there's plenty of snow. Yeah. But it's a pretty flat place.

Yeah. They're like little hills and you're down in maybe, you know, 40 seconds. You're down at the bottom of the hill. What about ice skating? Ice skating did a little of that. I played hockey as like a little kid. Can you ice skate backwards? Um, I don't know if I can't.

Can you do any jumps? No jumps. They usually had the ice is flat where I was growing up. It was mostly flat. No, I'm not talking about, I'm talking about an ice skating jump. No,

I'm not talking about a ski jump style jump in ice skating. Like an axle or something. Like a triple lutz and axel. Could you sow cow? I could do a... Let me ask you this. You couldn't sow cow back then. Right now, if I asked you to Salcow,

if I sent you down to the Pershing Square Ice rink and I said, I'm still there? Johnny Pemberton. Well, it's not. But let's say it was. Johnny, for the purposes of this conversational exercise. Let's see I sent you down there and asked you to Salkau. Would you do it?

I would try. Would you do that for me? Yeah, I'm ready to get hurt. Would you do this one thing for me, Johnny? I would do it for you. Thank you. If we filmed it. Oh, yeah, we got to make content. Yeah. So we would make that into content. And then when you jump would make like add a thing where it's like you're farting. Yeah. Oh, I got a question. Funny. So when we take you down there to the, Pershing Square, I shrink. Yeah, it's still there. When we take you down there. In the world of the podcast. Okay. Have you do the sow cow for me, which I appreciate you doing that for me. No problem. Honestly, it's no problem. I really appreciate you doing that for me. What novelty item are you going to use to tape your Lavalier microphone to for the social media content? Maybe one of those giant like

a rat. Oh, well, you're not going to have a hard time finding one of those down there at Pershing Square, my friend. I'm very familiar, yeah. Yeah. We used to go a rat hunting down there. Not hunting, hunting, but it was like... Like spotting? When I lived down here, it was a long time ago, I had a bunch of roommates, and for some reason we were like, we're trying to catch a rat one night. I think we were drunk, maybe. Probably drunk. But we definitely went down to Pursu Square trying to get a rat. You might have been out in the woods smoking weed. Yeah. I mean, it transported there. Can I tell you some rat news. Yes.

There's some rat news related to our podcast, Jordan Jesse Go, Jordan. The one we're doing right now. So we were wondering the other day on Jordan Jesse Go, which is this podcast, whether other cultures had different tooth traditions. Yes. Jesse lost, in actuality, lost his last baby tooth. Yeah, as an adult man. Wow, that's pretty, is that a world record?

Through the work of a dentist hammering it out. Wow, that's cool. And we were wondering whether this. there was tooth fairies and other cultures. Yes. As always, Jordan Jesse Go, long time Jordan Jesse Go listener,

Hunter Ellen Boss, came through with the interesting information he knows. Okay. Which is not only are there many wonderful, we'll get into it sometime. Maybe that'll be a live show quiz, which of these is a real tooth fairy. Is it an actual tooth fairy of a foreign land?

But in Spanish-speaking countries in Latin America, originating in Spain, but primarily in Spanish-speaking countries in Latin, in America. Your tooth is picked up by this man, El Ratoncito Perez. Wow. Yes. A Ratoncito Perez. Yes. He's a rat or mouse with a backpack full of teeth. And also he's a nerd. Yeah, he looks like a little bit of a nerd. He looks like a little bit of a nerd. And look, in this, in this picture, he's got a big gold coin to leave for the kitties. That looks like Arthur. Yeah. This one does look a lot like Arthur. Do you think Arthur might be a rat's coming

at night, kids. There is a 2006 film about the Rattoncito Perez. In English, it's called the hairy tooth fairy. Okay. It doesn't quite work. I like the rat better, I think.

Yeah. Then the tooth fairy? Yeah, tooth fairy is so, you know, it's too human for you? It's sort of cherubic, isn't it supposed to be kind of yeah, I don't want that. It's kind of bullshit. I like rats. Tooth fairy, have you rats are fun. You can train him to do Most depictions of the tooth fairy guys, she's kind of hot.

Yeah, I guess it depends on the jugs for me. She's kind of hot. If it now, if the tooth fairy had those dusty ass mummy tits that I love. Oh, yeah, that other thing we talked about on a previous episode. So, Johnny, just so do you know. Why did we talk about it? I don't know. You show me a couple of dusty tits.

tits, just wrap it up in gauze and fill it up with honey so it doesn't decompose. Some shrunken ones that are just been aging for a thousand years. There's a band, a lot of people I want to say, we were talking about this Eurovision band that has a mummy in it. There's a band that's just mummies. They're called Here Comes the Mummies. Okay. So I just want to give a tip of the cap to the.

to the band, here comes the mummies. And I also want to say, I watched a video of Here Comes the Mummies. They're a very technically competent sort of Tower of Power-style funk band. Okay. Not a lot of flavor in their performance, but a lot of- Maybe the mummy outfits are doing a lot of work. This is a current band? It is a current band.

They're touring the world. And they dress like mummies. And I watched this video of them and somebody said, I'm a new mum head. Mm-hmm. And so I never got to see Uzi Singh. So I love to, I love to get to enjoy it on video. Sure.

They would maybe replace the main mummy at some point. Uzi, Uzi probably Odeed. Yeah. Or maybe he got arrested for fucking teenagers or something. Yeah, you never know if those mummies. Choked on his own vomit because he's restricted. Or because it couldn't come out. Or an autoerotic expaciation thing.

He could be choking himself with a zonautic. zone wrapping. There's a lot of ways for a mummy rock star to die. Yeah. He was doing a good job. Let's take one more call. Yeah, let's do.

Let's take one more call. This is, by the way, Johnny, we work really hard on a show. Come up with a lot of ideas for segments on the show. This isn't just someone calling in to tell us something that they wanted to tell us and then saying it's for a segment on the show.

That's what's happening. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, guest. Miles here calling in with your longtime segment, stuff your uncle says to you at your great aunt's funeral. My great aunt passed away. recently and after the service, there was a lunch and at the lunch, my uncle sits down next to me and says, Miles, did you know that I'm your godparent? To which I said, no, Marty, I didn't. And he says, yes, I am. Did you know that Trudy was my godparent? I said, no, I didn't. And he said,

Yeah, I endeavored to be a better influence in your life than Trudy was in mine. And Trudy was actively a bad influence in my life. So I endeavored to be not an influence in yours. Thanks. Bye. It's a good system. It's a good system that makes a ton of sense. Yep.

Because you know what? The last thing any of us wants to do is be like Trudy. Oh, my God, yeah. Trudy was the woman who died? She's a woman from the facts of life, I think. Oh. Is that right? Tudy?

That's Tudy. Tudy. Okay. There wasn't a Tudy. Trudy is the dead lady. Right. Tudy is from Lydie. Who's Rudy?

Tudy Fruity is on Rudy. I know that. Tudy Fruity or Rudy. Okay. There's Wop Bapababab. A loob. And there's a Wap Bamboom. You guys just made my big toe shoot up in my boot.

Yeah. We got to start having sex calls again. What's a sex call? We said, we put a. rule that we don't just want to hear people's new configurations. For a while. There was a stretch. We've been doing the show a long time. Johnny, we've been doing the show 20 years. Man.

Roughly. About. About 20 years. And for a long time, people were calling in, oh, my moment. What's your momentization? Oh, my momentous. I just bought my first house. It's like, okay, we've heard enough people who bought their first house. Okay. I just lived publicly in my real gender. Right.

We've heard that one 10 times now. God bless everyone who's had that experience. We've heard it. And so then it started to become new sexual configurations. Right. Here's the sex thing I've tried for the first time. I had sex in front of an uncle. It's not a blood relative uncle.

It's just, you know, it's an uncle by marriage, and he's now divorced from my aunt. So you said no more sex. Whatever it is. For a while, it seemed like just pure tonnage. Yeah. What about? crimes that have a statute of limitations. Oh, that would be great.

That would be wonderful. Let's do that. For a while, we were asking people to violate NDAs, but then someone called in a real thing that we thought seemed like real news. Uh-huh. And we had to figure out whether we were journalists or not. We're not. You're not.

Okay. But we did find a number of a real journalist to send to that person. Did it get broken? I don't know. I don't know if it. it got broken. I think it was like... Break? Did it get broke?

I think it was. I think the thing was that Tom Cruise mummy movie was going to start the dark universe. Yeah, that was the news that we were breaking. And Mark Ruffalo broke that. Mark Ruffalo was the one

who called it. That guy's always running his mouth at press junk. You can't tell Mark not what to say. We gave him Jay Jonah Jameson's phone number. Wow.

He just was like, oh, hey, so you have, you're a singing, great. That's the weirdest This J.K. Simmons impression I've ever heard. I can do a J.K. Is that if they cast Huell Houser as J. Jonah?

I worked with J.K. for a while. Okay. The first show I ever did on TV was with J.K. We were with J.K. Our producer, Jordan Cowling. Go ahead. The J.K. impression? Yeah. It's, uh, well, I'll tell you what. These guys are... That's Barack Obama, so far.

Some of what? These guys are fucking amateurs. Tell that much. You're going there, and I don't want to... I don't know this guy. He's new, he's new to me, so I, I think I lost it. No, no, I think you found it. I think you found it. You put some room in between you and Barack Obama,

because I thought you were going to order some drone strikes. But you, by the end, when you thought you were losing it, I thought you were finding it. I thought you were landing it. As I was landing it, I was also kind of like, I don't know what to say because so much of an impression is the content. Get me pictures of Spider-Man. Get me pictures. I can't do it right now.

I can't. I just can't find it. Have you not seen Spott? I would love a picture. this guy. That's if they cast Hewel Houser as J. Jonathan James. Does Spontoman have webs that come out of his piece? Is he a threat or a or a medice? I don't know. He's got webs.

I'll tell you this. It's a metaphor for ejaculate. That's right. Hewle... Oh, it is, isn't it? It's about adolescence. So, okay, to focus the calls, we're opening it back up to sex stuff and also crimes that have passed the statute of limitation. 206-98-44-fund. Can I say one more thing?

What? If it's within the statute of limitations, still sign it our way. Yeah, sure, we're not snitches. We're not going to think on you. We're not going to rat on you. We're not going to think on you. We're not mandatory reporters. Do you do that documentary about the people who are the superhero impressionist down

at the Chinese theater? Yeah, searching for Superman. Yes, I've seen that. Remember the part where the guy who plays Batman? It was like a George Clooney-like guy. He's saying how he used to work for the mob. and he says like, you know, I've killed, I've killed people. And the guy he's talking to says, um, you know, there's no statute of limitations for murder, right?

He's clearly full of shit. Sure. But it's just like, I'm so fucking funny. This guy's, he wants to be cool so bad. He's like, yes, I have, in fact, killed people. Here's my question. Yeah. Murder's the coolest crime.

I get it. If you're down there in front of Groundman's Chinese theater and you're Batman, Which Batman are you? That's a choice. Because I feel like Clooney, it's got to be almost to bottom. The worst one you can be. I mean, Falcimer. Do you even know, like, how would you set yourself apart from the other Batman as Clooney?

You know, like, how would you know. You'd have a Caesar. It's stubble. You'd have to take off your, right, and show that you have this famous George Clooney haircut from ER. Oh, yeah. I think it's the stubble. Oh, yeah. He's kind of got like a stubbley Batman?

And is that the nipple? Maybe it's the, that was the nipple bat suit. Maybe you just have the, erect nipples. So you show the nips. You show the nips. And that's how they know you're cluny. The diamonds.

Do you cut out the nips so you can show that your nips are erect? No, I think that... No, no, I think that was the thing with the suit is that it had the nipples already. Right. But if you don't have that suit, do you have to cut the holes of it? Yeah. So people know you're Clooney. Got it.

Well, the nipples are hard so much that they start to bore through like a diamond drill. Right. Right. Like, that's how they drill the chunnel. It can... Really? I didn't know that. Yeah.

George Clooney's nipple? Was Margaret Thatcher's nipples. Margaret Thatcher's nipples. Margaret, she was at the time down by Romans-Chinese doing a Clooney Batman. Yeah. And John Major was Adam Westbatch. That's right. This is good.

Now that we've completed everything we've set out to do in our lives, shall we take a break? For Sepaku. Yes. Or honorable suicide. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. JJ Go at maximum fun.org. Greatest Trek is the hit podcast about new Star Trek shows. And right now we're talking about all things Starfleet Academy.

Starfleet Academy is a Star Trek show made for everyone. From Lifetime Star Trek nerds to folks who only like my so-called life in Dawson's Creek. We even had a special writer and actor guest for. the fifth episode this season, the hilarious Tawney Newsom. Look, there's always something fun on the Greatest Trek feed because when the season's over, we're going back to watching the original series. And hey, if you like old Star Trek, the greatest generation just had its 10th anniversary. That's Greatest Trek for New Star Trek and Greatest Generation for the Star Trek you grew up on.

Both shows you can find on MaximumFun.org. Ready go. Knock, knock. Who's there? We got this. With Mark and Hal? You knew this one. We can't put that out as an ad.

We just did new episodes every week on Maximumfund.org or wherever you get your podcast. Now it's Hewn in Rock. Hewn in Rock? Yeah. How do you hew something in rock? With a chisel. There's only one Hugh in Rock and it's Huey Lewis. And the news is we got this with Mark and Howells available every week on Maximum Fun.org.

I walked right into that. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris Boy Detective. Hey, I'm Johnny Pemberton. I'm still here. Johnny, where can people see this mermaid movie? Well, it comes out and...

Do you play the titular mermaid? I play the... No, I don't. Okay. I do not. Play a man. Are you disappointed? Were you up for the mermaid?

No. It was never a thing. It was never a thing. No, it's never going to happen. Not an issue. Okay. I'm just the guy, um, I'm like the accessory to that. Is that because of your, I don't mean to be rude because of your figure? That was part of it, yeah. You know, they were out to, um, John Major actually. Really? Yeah. Yeah. But he passed. Surprise. He's not in just this. Yeah. You can see it in all the Elmo draft houses, I think. That's how they got Boris Johnson? Boris wanted badly, but we're like, we don't want to work with him. Okay. You know, I understand it. He comes up too much. Yeah. The story becomes about him.

Yeah, his hair goes in weird directions. Oh, terrible. Alamo Draft House, you say, that's a fun place to see a movie. Fun place to see a movie. Especially like this. It's a thriller, comedy. Enjoy a mermaid movie. April 8th, I believe.

And you say this mermaid is real fishy? Oh, yeah. This is a creature. Okay. This is not a, it's not a, it's not a, it's not a, it's not a Daryl Hannah. How would you compare it to the scrimshaw mermaid that they jack off to in the movie The Lighthouse? Oh my God, those are just such great words

Because Scrimshaw for years Was like my favorite word Fun word It's such a great word It's up there It's a great word You know what I'm gonna say

It's not just Robert Pattinson And Willem Defoe Who are glazing Scrimshaw I would say that this is Doesn't hold a candle to that In terms of like beauty Hotness Jackoffableness

But you know what My character definitely is a loser On enough drugs to where there is a bit of will, there, a won't they. Okay. Oh, that sounds hot. I mean, that's, yeah. It's like all will there, I won't days, that's what we're talking about.

Is this a, the mermaid, it's a big puppet? It's a, it's a suit? No, it's an actor. Okay. An actor in. You found her real, well, representation matters. It does. Yeah.

Our actress, she was a, she's a trained dancer. Okay. So she's very, you know, very good at movement. But she was in a ton of prosthetics, like a, significant amount of prosthetics. Okay. I have a question. It's all practical. Yeah. I don't know if this comes up in the film Mermaid. People can go see at the Alamo Draft House? Uh, yeah. Coming up soon. Let's say it works out. Right. Okay. Because it's a will there or won't, you don't have to tell me if it works out. But let's say it works out, okay. Does the baby,

what does the baby have? Just a great career as a swimmer. Oh, so it's just a Johnny Weissmuller type. Yeah. Just a really, A real good swimmer like a Michael Phelps. A sleek hairless man. Maybe the baby would just be the genetic code doesn't link up and it's just this hideous thing from like basket case or something. Oh, yeah. That would be fun. That would be fun.

It would be fun. Great movie. That would be nice. Great movie, yeah. That would be nice. I'd like to have one of those. A basket case? Yeah.

I wouldn't want too many, but if I just had one just to spice things up a little bit around the house? One basket, one basket case. You got it. That's all you need. Johnny Pemberton has been our guest on the program. Thank you, Johnny. Gabe Mara on the boards. Jordan Cowling, our producer, our theme music is Love You by the Free Design, courtesy of the free design, and light in the attic records. Now, Jordan, I have one more thing to say.

Before we get out of here, I want to emphasize something. Please. If you're out there and your spouse doesn't like our show, remember to have them call in and tell us why. That's right. That's another category of call. spouses. Isn't that a thing? Yeah. Where something that one person likes the other person does not.

We're lucky if one person in any relationship likes our show. Yeah. But we want to know what can we do to improve to bring your spouse into this. So have your spouse, record a voice memo. You can email it in. You can interview them with a little Lavalier microphone if you want to. Tie it to a rat. Tie to a rat.

How could anyone not like this show, I don't know. Maybe that's why we haven't gotten any calls. Maybe that's why this is produced no content. Because everyone loves our show too much. JJGo at Maximumfund.org. Send us that. We are on Blue Sky.

Jordan, Jesse Go. Jordan Morris. Jesse Thorne, very famous. Oh, no, I'm regular Jesse Thorne on Blue Sky. Cool. Jesse Thorne, very famous on Instagram. Jordan Jesse Go Pod on Instagram. Jordan David Morris on Instagram,

Facebook.com slash Jordan Jesse Go. and we will talk to you next time on Jordan Jessica. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Maximum Fun. A Worker Owned Network of Artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.