Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Techno Cemetery, with Eliot Glazer

Episode Date: August 13, 2026

This week, we are joined by writer and comedian Eliot Glazer for a discussion on Fire Island, short shorts,our neighborhood sex shop and so much more. *Check out Eliot on Instagram *Check out Eliot's book The Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Gay *Preorder The Amazing Venom *Check out more Amazing Spiderman content from Jordan. *Order Jordan’s new Web of Venom comic. *Check out Jordan’s comic Predator: Bloodshed. * Order Jordan’s new Predator comic: Black, White & Blood! * Order Jordan’s new Venom comic! * Donate to Al Otro Lado. * Purchase signed copies of *Youth Group* and *Bubble* from Mission: Comics And Art!   ~ NEW JJGo MERCH ~ Get  Bronto Dino-Merch! Get our ‘Ack Tuah’ shirt in the Max Fun store. Grab an ‘Ack Tuah’ mug! The Maximum Fun Bookshop! Follow the podcast on Instagram and send us your dank memes! Check out Jesse’s thrifted clothing store, Put This On. Produced by Christian Dueñas Help support this show and unlock bonus content! Become a member at https://maximumfun.org/joinjjgo

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Under the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, concerned about the local sex shop. Oh, no, Jordan. So I'm going to take a look at my watch.

Yeah, that says August. August on Jordan, Jesse Go, traditionally. Oh, right, yes. is anal august. Happy Annal August to everybody. And we're banking episodes, so this might air in September. Who knows? Who knows? Happy anal September. Honestly, this might never air. Sure.

We might stop doing the show, or someone in power may force us to stop doing the show because it's not good enough. Right. Not because it conflicts with anyone's values. But the reason that I bring up Ainal August is because this should be the Christmas season, four local sex shops. You would think, yes. If you're a nice...

Right, that time where you get into the black. If you're a nice, you know, lesbian-owned... And then never go back. If you're a nice lesbian-owned vibrator store, the kind that we support here on this program, you should be doing great during the month of August. So what is your concern and what local sex shop are you talking about? The one that's next to the office.

Oh. Has it closed? Okay. That was okay. When you, the max fun, this is a relatively new space we're in, maybe like a year, right? Yeah. And one of the big talking points when the whole operation moved here is like, well, it's, you know, it's downtown. It's a little closer to, you know, like shops and restaurants.

And it's next to a very, a very intense sex store where in the window the display is a cage for a man. It's intense and not intense both. Uh-huh. So, like, I think there are a lot of sex stores out here that are giving, like, local bookstore vibes. Right. There's a lot of sex stores out here that are offering a sort of, like, shitty lingerie and penis pasta novelty store. Yeah, sure, sure. It's a place you go for, you know, bachelorette party stuff, gifts, yeah.

There are sex stores that are giving a like an intense subcultural, specific, like, leather thing or... Sure. It's called like dark delicacies or... Exactly. Well, that sells chocolate penises, but yes. They are delicious. Sinfully good. So there's a...

Those are the categories. The one that is on our block, I would analogize it to one or two doors down. there is a store that sells gray market perfume. It looks like an Aldi, but worse lit for perfume. Like somebody just took a box knife, opened up the

end of the box. Someone went into an Aldi and goes, I think we can make a store that's more of a bummer. Yeah, exactly. We can make a place that's less fun to be in. And you know, it's only like J-Lo perfume, you know what I mean? Like it's not like a bolo for men. So anyway, but it's piles

of cardboard boxes. Right. Is the interior aesthetic, piles of cardboard boxes. And that was kind of the aesthetic of the sex store. Right, a place where you could buy in bulk if you needed to. Yeah, it had no interior features, even to the extent that like a novelty sex store has interior feature. Like, it didn't even have pegboards on the walls. Just like an undecorated, unfinished interior that happens to have a thing that looks like an electric chair, but it's a sex chair. Sure.

with the straps and bolts. And a cage for a man. And there was a full man cage. There was a man-sized cage. I guess anybody could go in there. But I think probably primarily men are going in the cage. Even a, even like a different ape. Sure.

I don't think a gorilla would fit in there. No, probably not. Maybe a mandrel. Certainly a mandrill. I mean, you get a mandrel in there. He starts presenting. Oh, you. You get all of that big blueie?

Yeah. Okay, anyway. Yeah, but... What's your concern? It's that it's closed. Is it really? I don't know. I thought, I mean, you know, I come in here basically to record this show.

Y'all are in here, you know, day and day out. What I noticed... I thought I saw a lease sign. What I noticed... It might have just been a frozen yogurt place that closed down. Well, I mean, what block doesn't have a closed frozen yogurt place? Yeah. I'll tell you that this week on our block, there is a check-cashing place.

you'll be shocked to learn a little further down the block that has, you know, a big double-paned window for storefront and a car fully went into it. Okay. The car was inside of the check cashing place. Right. And this was not a corner business. This was two storefronts in. Right. So someone swerved so far to go straight into that thing.

and it was a Monday morning. You think they were aiming for it? Do you think they're tired of over high processing fees? Maybe that's just like, like, maybe it was like a little... I've been unbanked too long, they said. Maybe it was just like a little kid and he's like, this is where money is. Yeah. Like it's a little, like, oh, they cash checks.

They got to have cash in there. I don't think, I don't know that the sex store went out of business, but I wouldn't be surprised. But it's... Christian, do you have any intel on this? Christian, our producer? you're in here day and day out. I walk by this sex, if we're thinking about the same one. Yeah, I mean, it's just on our block on our side of the street.

Okay. Well, maybe I'm thinking the wrong one. The one I know is next to precinct, iconic gay bar. Okay. Called Lustern. And that's the one where I see a lot of like bear boys. Like there's a lot of like dog masks. The one that you showed us with the pup masks and such, this one is a real store.

The one that was down here. the one that was on our block was much more like the businesses on our block but you're not sure if they're real businesses. Okay, let's do this. Let's introduce our guests. Christian, can you produce, do a little recon? If you need to leave the building

and go look for a dildo store, you can. I'm giving you permission. Are they open on Sunday night or is that the Lord's night? No, they're like Chick-fil-A. Can't get a chicken sandwich. Can't get a butt plug. Our guest on the program. Thank you. Our guest on the program is a very gifted writer, actor, humorist. He's also now a book author. He's the author of the brand new book, The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Gay, Elliot Glazer. Hi, Elliot. Welcome. Welcome to Jordan Jesse Go. It's great to have you. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it.

Thank you for taking our shorts note. We did ask our guest to wear shorts because we are wearing shorts. As is Christian. That's a warm room. Four men, four pairs of shorts. God bless. Oh, four hunks like this. How could it not be warm? Four men ate amazing calves. You said it. Brough, get out of here.

You know what? These golden calves you can worship. Yes. So save the Lord. I love short shorts. Yeah. That's, I'm really. Who loves short shorts?

I love short shorts. I know a 50s novelty song about that. Are you a shorts guy typically? Yes. Okay. I live here. It's Los Angeles. It's warm most of the year.

And that doesn't mean I don't wear like pants. I'm not one of those guys who's wearing shorts like all year round. That's my college roommate, Mike. Yes, that's everyone's college roommate, Mike. Shut up to my teammates love to wear shorts year out. What an all-time great guys, but I think we had lived together for five months. And I was like, Mike, do you have pants? Right.

And he's like, I actually have to go get some pants because I'm going to a wedding. Oh, my God. You have fans. That's a real thing. It's an epidemic. But I mean, I just, I wear them as soon as the, you know, as soon as the temperature hits like 70. Really? Get on them shorts.

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I have so many pairs of shorts. And I have, since I'm, I grew up in the Bay Area where one often has no pairs of shorts, just completely unnecessary. Wait, wait. Completely unnecessary. Completely unnecessary.

It's over 93 days a year. and on those days you just wear light pants. But there are mild days. Right, but you wear pants because you have dignity. But I moved to Los Angeles and I was like, the center will not hold. Like I cannot hold this line. It's too hot and too fucking shitty and too casual. And I'm just going to have to learn to wear shorts.

Yes. And that was 19 years ago or something. And in that time, I bought so many pairs of. of shorts and each time I buy the shorts, I think this is going to be the shorts where I'm going to wear shorts and feel like I'm not a not feel like a little bit of a dick. And I still, I gave up on polo shirts completely because I'm like, I'll never have a polo shirt or a Henley that doesn't make me feel like a dick. A Henley. Oh, with the little.

That's like three buttons. Sure, sure. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. But I have so many pairs of shorts and I do wear them, but I always feel like a dick in them a little. What makes you feel like a dick in them? I just, I don't think, I don't have much to offer legwise. I think looking put together is like, is what I can do.

Yeah. Like, I just think, if you haven't got the bod, putting the pieces together is important. Right. Well, let me ask you this, because there's been this recent phenomenon where gay guys and straight guys have swapped short length. I'm old enough that I'm still going to wear shorter shorts. That's actually a new phenomenon for me from the past couple of years.

You look great in them, by the way. Thank you. Those are hortic shorts. Yeah, they're called hammies. I'm brand loyal. But yeah, that's, thank you. I appreciate that. Hammies.com slash Elliott. Offer code Elliot. I always knew you were a 1970s surfer bro. That's me. That's fully me.

But they so anyway, me aside, there's been a swap where the desire to show off one's legs, which is historically more of a gayer look, has been co-opted by straight guys. Short lengths have gotten shorter and shorter, more above the knee, and that's new. And so in return, gay guys have adopted long, late 90s-style, Janco-co-co-co-co-coded, big, big denim jeans. Right.

And that. Headed off to see corn with a K. Big at Woodstock 99. Yes. They already burn some stuff. No, but... You know what Elliot? Yeah.

You know what I'm ready for? What's that? The return of men's capris. Because that, I liked. But that's... I look good in those. You don't wear those. You didn't wear those.

I did. Like Bermuda shorts? No, not Bermuda shorts. Like below the calf. That is not a capri. That's not a capri. What's that? That's like a crop.

leg. Okay. Which I love. But I'm not talking about like a Tom Brown, like a, like a too short flood pant. I'm talking about a full, so I'm, look, this is of audio program, but I'm, I'm indicating here above my ankle bone. That would be like a Tom Brown short pants, too short pant, flood kind of thing. I'm talking about, I'm moving up to basically the bottom of where my, of where my calf

sits. That's a capri. Yeah. And I had them. It was 2000. It was 26 years ago. I'm going to be honest with you. I can't picture a man in Caprize.

I looked great. I'm not saying with Judge where I'm saying I'm saying I can't picture you in Caprize. I can't picture what a man might look like in that length, in that particular length. Well, think about a man, put my head on him and then think, this guy looks great. And that's me in those caprice. Yeah, honestly, it's difficult in my brain because what I'm imagining is like, like, a Talbitt's, like a Talbot's look, you know? I got him at Nordstrom.

Really? Norstrom. Capri pants. Nordstrom. That's a premium retail. I mean, it is. But we might go back to that because at some point it has to level out. Like right now, gay guys are wearing shorts that are like down to the ankle.

They're almost caprice, but they're huge. I also. Any theories, Elliot, as to why that happened? I just think it's a, I think it's like a balance issue, like a seesaw. Like once Paul Mescal starts. started wearing short shorts, maybe in like 21, 22. It, and I don't know if it was just him, but like he did it. Milo Ventimiglia did it.

And these moments that were iconic to men like me, I would say, you know, or whatever. You're just like, whoa, like that's bold, you know. And so once that started happening, I think straight men got more and more comfortable with a shorter short that went above the knee. Right. And now I think as a result, we're like, not we because I don't include myself in this, but. a lot of trendier gay guys are like, well, you know what? If you're going to start like encroaching on short, short territory, we're going to go back to 1998. We're going to put chains on our wallets.

But those are some of the shorts, truly. That would have a wallet chain in that. A lot of teens and young adults do dress like dirt bags from my teenage years, I would say. late 90s, early 2000s, kind of gross, like guy going to a corn concert. And we shouldn't be shocked because that, like, trends are cyclical, I think. You know, fashion trends tend to be cyclical. Like, in the 90s, I feel like the 60s was kind of in, early on at least, and then it, you know, switched. For us, you know, in the late 90s, Y2K, you're thinking about, and I'm thinking about, like,

like kids and teenagers and whatever young people dressing like dirt bags. And now that has what did our parents' generation think Ethan Hawk dressed like in the hit film reality bites? Trash. What did they think of Beck's outfits? But I still think of them as looking a little stylish, whereas when you're describing like the corn concert goer, that's like trash. But they were looking stylish in the like least tasteful clothes of the generation. Yes, slackery. One and a half generations before them or whatever it was.

Yes. Yeah. Like, I don't blame these young people. No. At all. I just don't like being at the flea market and having to look at quite so many Joe Camel t-shirts. I'm like, I get it. It's ironic when you do it.

Slash edgy because you vape or whatever. But do you think they're going to go back to like, like, co-ed naked? Oh, Big John. Big Johnson. Licker in the front, poker in the rear. That's what you get at Big Johnson's Casino. You've seen the number of these people wearing asparties. When I got, I stared at that shirt for probably 20 minutes going, I can get this joke. I can get this joke. And when I finally got liquor in the front, poker in the rear, I'm like, ha ha, ha, I know stuff. I'm going to be an adult very soon.

Oh, my God. Looking at it, sitting at Miller's outpost, just squinting at it. It goes a magic eye poster. Elliot, you're not allowed to lecture us about trading between gays and straits when you're admitted bad gay. It's true. I'm very bad at the job. Terrible horrible, I've heard. Yes, it's true. Terrible horrible.

No good. Very bad. Coming soon from Penguin Random House or a different publisher. You do have some, there's some Berkenstock content in the book. Yeah. without just reading the part of the book with the Birkenstocks, how did that come up? Well, I mean, it's more about how, well, I guess the overarching idea of the book is essentially that, like, I've been out for 20 years or so, and I often feel now like I did then. Like, I'm still just kind of like picking up cues as I go, you know, like I miss the first day of gay 101.

I just didn't get the syllabus or something. So I'm always picking up cues and trying to figure it out, you know, and failing in a lot of capacities, one of which I think is about not just the Birkenstocks, but the fact that like I'm not good at trends. Like I just told you, I got into short shorts two years ago, you know. But the Birkenstocks are-

And your shorts have gotten shorter since we've been sitting here. Correct. They're creeping up, creeping up. And so the Birkenstocks are part of my sort of, Sartorial uvra, which is basically a gay woman, lesbian. And that's kind of where I fall. I'm a fanny pack carabiner. I'm all about utilitarianism.

Right. And the Birkenstocks are just, nothing is better. Like I wear them too much, you know. Are these Birkenstocks you have on now? Yes. Okay. Of course. And they're a pair that were gifted to me by Birkenstock.

Really? Wow. Because of the book? Yeah. So you're getting free stocks out of the deal? Well, there's Burks on the cover illustration of the book is meant to look like Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. And so it's a design of me in bed looking like Alexander, but all the stuff on my floor, unlike Alexander's, are more personalized to me. So there's Birkenstocks.

There's a journal. There's a kettlebell and a donut and a fan because I'm always sweating. There's my dog. So I'm very lesbian coded in that way. I just have the voracious sexual appetite, I guess, of a gay guy. I mean, lesbians are cool. At the end of the day, that's who we all aspire to be more like. That is true.

You know, like, man, I was in Berkeley this weekend, which is I associate lesbianism with Berkeley, not only because of the prevalence of lesbianism in Berkeley, but also because my lesbian aunt lives in Oakland, spends time in Berkeley. But I was in, I was there and I was at the Berkeley City Club, which is a, you know, it's like a, it's a private club. I rang the doorbell and asked if I could look around. But, you know, it's a, they got a hotel on the top and then it's not like the Soho house. It's a very old fashioned kind of joint, but a little fancy, you know. And I'm at the bar and there's a, uh,

Two lesbians behind me having a chat. And middle-aged, but not elderly. You know, 55 maybe. And one of them says, I named my daughter Mickey. And the other one says, well, that's a cute name for a girl. Mickey? After Mickey Hart? And the other lesbian says, yeah.

Like, this is the city where two lesbians are hanging out. And it is the baseline assumption that if you name your daughter Mickey, it's after the male drummer of the Grateful Ten. And they were wearing Birkenstocks. I don't have to tell you. Of course. I mean, there's just a more laid-back approach in the sort of... I mean, it's different now. I would say, I'm not actually being a lesbian. It's not really fair for me to, you know, just paint a wide swat or whatever.

You painted a wide swath about our shorts. Well, sure. That's short. And the shorts that our community wears. That's true. But suffice it to say. that there's just a more laid-back vibe that queer women, I think, especially more like old-school lesbians, tend to emit, you know, we were talking before we started recording about the Berkshires and New England. And my family gets together in Great Barrington in Massachusetts during the summers. And that is, I'm almost positive that is the most prevalent lesbian

population in the country. It's just Subaru. You know, it's just, but it's all, to me, it's, there's a queer women just have an ability to overcommunicate that I think gay guys lack in a lot of ways. And I'm always, um, trying to make up the difference, I guess. You say that it's all superoos, but some of those volvos are still out on the road. Are they? Yeah. Some of those volvos are hanging on. If you take care of it, if you take care of a Volvo, you take care of a Volvo.

You can drive it 250,000 miles. If you take care of it, 250,000 miles. If you take care of it, 250,000 miles. 250,000 miles. They last forever. I do think that what you are describing is, in some ways, a universal human experience to always feel like everyone else got the notes and you didn't. However, I do think that in the gay male community, there has been some extra rule writing

to make up for the last. lack of instructions that everyone got when they were in high school and nine out of ten of the other people were straight. Like, I feel like everybody got to where they felt safe when they were 22 and then just started sending out memos about different stuff. Wait, I'm a little confused. When they get to 22, then what? Well, then they go, maybe they move to the city, maybe they, whatever it is, right?

They get into a gay community. Definitely, yes. Rather than being, oh, I know four. other gay people from my theater class or from my art class or from the from the game store for that matter right they get somewhere where there's a lot of gay people and they're like oh i can go to like whole big gay things and and that's when the that's when the complicated rules start coming that i as a straight man can could never hope to understand yeah i mean but that's i think that too is like it's such a it's such a universal experience to feel like wait i'm what am i doing wrong or like how am i how am i

not fitting in, you know, and how can I fit in? But then at a certain point, and I'm just speaking for me, at a certain point, I'm just like, well, I can't. Like, I just can't do this. I can't pretend to want to, I want to dance or I want to go, I want to go out because going out is fun and what is, you know what I mean, at a certain point. What is fun? Genuinely, like, that is my, you can't, you can't pretend that you want to have fun? Correct. Okay. I can't, at a certain point, I was like, I can't do this anymore. Just, just the overarching need to be like, yes, we must go out because going out is fun and then this is fun and we do like, it's, it's not even, um, it's not that I'm like a grouch necessarily or by any means

like misanthropic. You've been lovely since we've been talking. Thank you. Thank you. I found you quite charming. I think at a certain point, I just got to the, to the understanding and had the epiphany that like, I don't, I can't try to keep up. Have you been, have you been razzed for your Birkenstocks? I mean, yeah, yeah, to a certain degree, it's like when I started old peekaboo feet, they call you. No, I mean, I would never call you that. Just the, I talk in the book about how I've dated my first like real boyfriend, serious boyfriend, was someone I called a professional gay because he was so good at it, you know, and he was the first person who was like, can you maybe put on clothes, towed shoes if we're going, you know? What were the skills that he had that

you didn't have? He, he was. He knew what kind of like betting to buy. You know, he under... Thread count? I mean, that was torture because he was, he got like very fancy crisp high thread count sheets and they were the most... It was like sleeping in like a paper mesh, a pool of paper mache. Threadcount is a lie. And he was literally like, this is top tier.

And I was, I can't do that. It was torture. But all that to say, and I don't just mean material things, but he was, he was good at, at, at, material things and knowing how to decorate and where we go shopping and stuff, but also he and his friends, and this was in New York, were so astute when it came to, we should go to this restaurant, we should do this for brunch, we should go to this club or party, just general things about brunch and shirts. And he was the first one who was like, we got to go to Fire Island, and a timeshare on Fire Island, which is like the gay equivalent to Palm Springs.

And Palm Springs is also gay. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. It's the, oh, sorry, the New York. The New Yorker. Okay. You want Palm Springs to be gayer? Excuse me.

Sir, you have an unreasonably high standard. Sorry. It's the New York equivalent of Palm Springs to L.A. Or maybe Provincetown to the northeast, I don't know. But all of that to say that, it's like a very intense place. Real high anxiety for me. Yeah. But nevertheless, I wanted to be a good partner.

And I loved him. And I loved him. friends. But, you know, we went to Fire Island and it was just, it's just not for me, you know, and at a certain point I had to. Is it just, is it a kind of raging that you don't do? Is it a kind of into the night? It's a little bit of, I mean, it's just, I mean, I write in the book specifically about different aspects of it and how it's like, at least in the pines, that's the very, like, gay guy area of the Fire Island. It's like lots of parties, like never ending, drinking and dancing and, you know, it's like celebratory.

And I, like, very much stand in awe of it. And I think it's such a groundbreaking place to be, especially if you're really yearning for that escape. You know, you exit, you descend the fair, not descend. You, how do you, when you get off a boat. You descend the ramp onto the land. Isn't there a nicer word for it than descend? Exit the boat.

Yeah, there is a word. Debo. Can't think of it. Deboating. But you step off this ferry. You sink the ferry. You sink the ferry. You throw the anchor now.

But you get off the boat and you're like, it's a sort of fantasia, you know, which is incredible. But for me, it's a panic attack because you dock at this. You dismount, that's the word. You dismount from the, I don't know. You dismount from, you unboard. And you're expected to mount a media. Right. And the way I describe it is like, it's a beautiful site and you're in.

in Fantasia, but it's like throbbing dance music and an indoor, outdoor bar that's like huge and it's like shoulder to shoulder. And for, I think a lot of gay guys or my brethren, they're like, yes, I'm here. I'm so excited. I'm going to partake in this. And I look at that and I'm like, too many people. It's too hot. Like I personally have had to get to a place where I can say, you know what, I need to stop trying to just do this and just and find my own people. But that all being, sorry. Jordan is good at going to Las Vegas. Oh, is that right?

That's the heterosexual event. I've gotten, I've gotten good at it, although I was going to say I have had to tap out of various social events because I just, I just get sick of dance music. I just get sick of dance music. Yes, of course. I'm sorry. I want to, but yeah. say dance, are you saying like music that's rhythmic and upbeat and fun, or do you mean like throbbing dance music that feels sort of similar?

Throbbing dance music that sounds similar. Yeah, you know, repetition and yeah, that drives me a little bit insane. So I've had to tap out of various clubs and concerts and stuff like that. And that in particular is sort of ascribed to the circuit party scene, which is its own separate thing. And that are those that's just... robbing dance music and I don't know at a certain point I had to say I may be very bad at being gay because I can't force myself to I can't even pretend to want to enjoy this. How come you're not?

Elliot, I'm sending you to Pride Tuesdays at the board game store. It's waiting for you. Is that real? I made it up, but it's real. But I pursued these things. Sound bad. Listen, we have a listener out there who will tell you where Pride Tuesday is at a board. Gabe store. They're sliding into your DMs. I don't have to worry. Christian already ordered for you

a Warhammer 40K novel so you can learn about the lore before Tuesday. No, but to that point, these people, other very bad gays exist. And I know for a fact that in a scenario like Fire Island where it's just throngs of guys dancing and drinking and having fun, I know that there's absolutely insecurity. There's plenty of other people who are probably not having fun. They're probably secretly jealous of your Birkenstocks. Perhaps. His feet look so comfy.

Perhaps. But all of that to say, I guess I can't, it's hard for me to hide it and sort of grin and bear it. And so at least in that first relationship with my professional boyfriend, he was really good at being like, you do your thing and I'll do my thing. And it's fine. And I love that lack of judgment because, yeah, that lack of judgment, because, yeah, that lack of judgment, because I wasn't judging what he did and he wasn't judging what I do. We just had different ways about us.

Now, I want to be clear. When you say professional boyfriend, you mean that he was professional at being gay. Neither party was being paid in this scenario. Professional gay. He's a professional gay boyfriend. Let's do this. I'm going to have Christian do a couple of things for us. One, what's a professional boyfriend going to cost?

Sounds great. And we do need a... is the sex shop closed update. Yeah. So why don't we take a break? Do we think that sex shop even showed up on Google Maps? I don't, it might, this might, it might be a brigadoon. It might roll in with the fog once every full moon.

It honestly had the quality of, like when you say pop-up store, it suggests like a fledgling brand or a sample sale or whatever. It had the quality of like a guy who found two. containers that fell off a container ship, opened them up and was like, well, I guess I better go to a storefront for this. Until it's gone. I don't know where to get more. And it just was a bunch of man cages.

Right. But are you saying that most stores that are here that feel sort of transient, is it because they're fronts for something else? That's the thing. Could be. Yeah. I mean, it's, I would not be surprised. Because the gay store, the sex store next to precinct that Christian was talking about

is not a front. That's like a very legitimate Yeah. No, that's not. These are separate things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That place is there for a, for a purpose. It has a clientele. Yes. They're having a great August. The stores that are a front that feel like they have a front to, they are a front to me. They still are like one level higher on the level of organization and presentation. Like I think the classic example on our program of the store that must have been a front is a few blocks from where I grew up on, on like, Valencia in 16th or 17th Street, or 24th or 25th Street in San Francisco,

was a store that only sold Brazilian goods. Huh. And there's not a substantial Brazilian community. There's not a great demand for Brazilian goods, as far as I know, outside of that one brand of flip-flops. Like, there was no reason anyone would, and there was never anyone in there, and it was there for at least a decade. Oh, wow.

And it looked pretty good, but not so good that you're like, if somebody was like, I'm not sure what kind of store I'd like to go into, but it's my sister's birthday. Look at this store. This looks cute. I'll go in here. Sure. Not that good. But not like somebody just had a box cutter that they did their decor with a box cutter, which is what this thing down the street looked like. Right.

Yeah. So that's drug front. Drugfront to me is somebody's girlfriend that kind of has it together. You know, but not fully. Kind of, but not fully. This is things that someone found in a container that floated to shore. And they just, so it felt like a pop up in that capacity. Or just like somebody was like, I want to have a store.

Here's 10th. Okay, so we're looking at a picture of this. Okay. It just has a big sign that says adult triple X. Broadway erotic. Okay. So I think a good sign of a store like this is, does it have a different name depending on what part of the front of the building you're looking? Sure, sure.

Right. Does it have a name on the building and then someone hung up a sign with a different name? Not a totally different. Right. Is it called Broadway Adult Triple X or is it called Broadway Erotic Triple X? Because there's two different signs that say each of one of each of those things. Okay. We're going to find out if it's still over.

Let's take a break. Let's find out when this Google is. images from and then we'll come back for some more. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Well, Jordan. Yes. What is our next movie coming up in our show, TBW to be watched? TBW, the special members-only podcast where Jesse and I watch things from our watching cues and talk

about them to you. Star Trek 3. Star Trek 3. It's mine. I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it either. We're going to watch it. Star Trek 3. So yeah, this has been a really fun series so far. It's a fish out of water comedy, right? Ooh, I think that's 4 or 5. Four.

So this one will probably be an adventure in space. But I don't know. I haven't seen it. All right. Yeah, maximumfun.org slash join. How about this? How about this? Maximumfund.org slash join JJ Go. There you go. That'll take you straight there. You'll be done in 90 seconds.

Even quicker and more fun. Jesse, can I throw a date out at our folks? Yeah. August 17th, 2026. Why is this an important date, you ask? I'm going to tell you. It's the final... Is it our anniversary?

Yes, and I'm expecting flat rose petals to the bed. Okay. No, no, not our anniversary. It is the final day to pre-order the amazing venom, the new Marvel Comics miniseries from me and artist Luke Ross. The one about Boomerang Becoming Venom? The one about Boomerang becoming Venom, Jesse. This is a wild Marvel Comics buddy comedy road trip to the stars and back.

And the buddies are Boomerang and the Alien symbiote who lives inside him and is also his clothes. Now, this is going to be a lot of fun. Does it get inside him by his butt? It lives in... I don't need to get into physiology right now, Jesse. I just figured if it's on the outside, it doesn't go in his nose or... No. It could go in his ears, I guess.

It could go. There's a lot of... Listen, the human body has many holes. The human body has many holes. So August 17... This is why we could qualify for educational grant money. So this is why you're telling your local comic book store you want it. Here are the reasons.

One, you make sure you get all the issues. You don't want to be, like, chasing down an issue. You don't want to be paying some, you know, website freak, a bunch of money to get a number two or number three if you missed it. You get all the issues. Support your local comic book store. That's great. And it tells Marvel Comics that the creative team is someone they should hire again. Yeah. Yeah. So the big three. Tell your local comic book store you want the amazing venom or go to bit.ly

slash goo friends. That's how you get all five issues signed by me in the mail to you. both are good ways to read this book. And I have a special creative announcement about the book, Jesse. Okay. I just finished a draft of issue four. I am happy to announce. Yes. We got themes, baby.

Oh, you introduced themes? Oh, we got themes. Wow. It's about something. Holy cow. I think it is a fun. Man versus nature? No, no, Jesse.

Man versus machine? Man versus self. Oh. This is a, I think this is a story about how the fear of fucking up sometimes paralyzes us. Yeah, because it goes into our butts. Yes, like an alien goo covering our butts. No, I'm really proud of this thing.

I think it's going to turn out great. Inserting into our butts. Inserting into the butts. I hope folks check it out. I really like it and I want folks to read it. So there you go. Somebody messaged us on it. The amazing venom.

Somebody messaged us on Instagram. I just found out that after analogous comes peg timber. Oh, boy. August. A lot of three months. August 21st, for those of you in Southern California, and I hope that you will join me at American Cinema Tech's friend of the fest film festival because I will be hosting in part of my capacity as the host of NPR's Bullseye with Jesse Thorne,

a screening of a thousand clowns. A thousand clowns at the Las Felis 3, August 21st. You can find all the information where to buy tickets at maximum fun.org slash events. It does not have any clowns in it. A lot of people are wondering, does it have clowns? It doesn't have clowns. It has a sad comedy writer. He's pathetic because he can't get his life together

because all he cares about is defying others' expectations of him. It's a great movie. I have seen it on your recommendation, Jesse. I think it's a treat. People should go see it with a crowd. What fun. Yeah. Okay.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris Boy, detective. An Elliot Glazer humorist. It's true. Classy. That's when you write a book. That's when you become a humorist.

I've never heard anyone say it until now. Great news, Elliot. You can play art centers now. Oh, my God. Regional art centers, racks, RACs. Wow. I'm signing up. Yep.

The Marine Center for the Arts. I'm more of, like, a truth teller, I think. I've kind of graduated from humorists. Wow. I'm a truth teller. I'm sort of like a sweaty, sweaty something failure, I guess. Sure. I'm not a full failure.

Comedian, humorist, truth teller, sweaty failure. Yeah. That's the, what's a ne'er-do-well? A ne'er-do-well. I mean, I think that's just, Elliot. So what do? You're an off. do well.

Neer do well. They just, they're, is that, is that like a, they never do well? But are they like, are they rebellious or insubordinate or are they just not good at life? No, I think a near do well misbehaved. Okay, misbehave. Okay, miss. Yeah, a bad boy.

Noddy, miss be naughty. Which, maybe you're a bad boy. Maybe I'm a naughty boy. I don't know. We those guys got bad boy vibes. He does. I was wondering why you were wearing those shades. Oh, short shouldn't be that short.

Does the constable Have you met constable It's me, the American constable The bad news is he bought that outfit at Broadway Adult Triple X. That's true Okay, so we're looking at a Google map view, a Google Street View. Yes, Broadway Adult XXX. And I think what's nice about this Google Street View

is it gives us a good look at Broadway Adults XXX and sassy perfume. Sassy Parfume. Perfume. Perfume. Perfume. The store next door that sells big cardboard boxes

where they cut the lid open and then perfumes come out. And on Broadway Adult XXX, all the other side in the window is just, in red letters, it just says, erotic. So letting you know. And I want to give a shout out

to the perfume store, by the way. If you're wondering, opens at 830A. Hell, yeah. I see. that lady opening it up when I'm walking into the office. Do you ever look at stores in general, but particularly the ones down here? And I think about this a lot with like Midtown Manhattan, like sort of like the fashion district, the 30s, and think like these stores, do they, how do they stay open all the time?

Right. You know, like genuinely, how does Sassy perfume, how does she open at 830?30? Like, who is the clientele? And I don't mean it just for sassy perfume, for perfume. I just mean in general, like, how does a store that's not, you know, filled with clientele? I keep talking about this on the show. So I'm not going to get it back on the hobby course for too long. But I feel like downtown Los Angeles is the dream of what Manhattan could be,

which is to say a place where every block specializes in one weird kind of product, Every store has it, and there's lots of, like, recent immigrants wheeling it on carts between the stores. And it's so fucking cool and fun, and I love it. It makes me so happy. That's great. Yeah, it's just the best. But it's something that you really only read about in, like, a novel about Manhattan in the 1930s where the, like, all the characters are going to a dairy restaurant. Yes, this is, like, my family, my lineage, pretty much.

people. These are my people. Maybe your great grandparents generation. Absolutely. Just going from Kinnish store to Kinnish store to Kish store. In the Lower East Side. Oh, too many Kinnishis. Somebody give me a black and white cookie. Oh, my favorite. So, Christian, does it appear that Broadway Adult XXX is still open? I am happy to report. If I'm looking at the right one, which is a different name.

This is the one here. What we're seeing in this Google shot is definitely the one we're talking. about. Yeah, and then we also have... Okay, so the Yelp... The actual name is Broadway Erotic Store. Well, that's what it says on Yel. Five stars. Okay.

13 reviews. Not a lot of photos, unfortunately. 13 feels like a lot for this store. Sure, it does. You could ask the community, what's the size of a glass dildo? If you told me how many... Well, you probably have a variety of sizes. If you asked me how many on Yelphi...

I would have guessed two on Yelp, seven on Google. There's definitely more of a Google. I would guess around there too, yeah. That's a lot of five-star reviews. It sure is. How about we do this? Why don't we take some calls? And Christian,

while we're listening to calls, could you just farm that Yelp page and see if there's anything interesting in the five-star reviews? And take a look at those Google reviews. Oh, yeah. Might be some good Google reviews. That's where real psychos review things.

I really want to know what's going on in there. I shall. Let's find out what's. been auto-translated from another language. And then we'll, but we'll also listen to calls. Isn't that right? Yeah, here's a call. Hey, Jordan and Jesse. This is Ben calling from Boston. Just calling me in with a momentous occasion and an update. About seven or eight years ago, I called in having performed my first

prostate exam in medical school. And now seven or eight years later, I have officially graduated from anesthesia residency and ICU fellowship. So I am now a board-certified anesthesiologist, ICU doctor, and I also do liver transplant anesthesia as well. Tonight going over to Fenway Park, going to see fish to celebrate, and have a good time. Anyways, love you guys. Thanks for all the great podcasting, and get them, get them, get them. Congratulations. First of all, congratulations.

I'm glad to hear that you don't do ER doctoring anesthesiology. and perform liver transplant, which is what I was concerned about, right? I was so confused. This guy does it all. He said prostate exam. He did say prostate exam, yes. I think everybody that goes,

almost at law school. Everybody goes to law school has to stick a finger up the ass. When you're talking about torts, am I right? When you're trying to make it through torts. Don't get me started on writ of habeas corpus. So anyway, you know,

I was just saying a law thing. I got two or three law things. in my corpus. I know two or three law things. Put that endoscope in my corpus. Overruled, I say. Okay, but I think to answer your question, Elliot, I think what Ben was saying is that when you go to medical school, everybody, everybody does a couple of prostate exams. Everybody gets in there, checks it out, comes back out, reports back to their professor. It's just part of a medical education. A well-rounded medical education includes prostate examination.

Just as a well-rounded romantic education involves prostate stimulation. Yes. Thank you. Happy analogist to everyone. Do not neglect the prostate. Don't think that just because you're heterosexual means you should be neglecting prostates. It's a learning podcast. It's important. It's important to remember the prostate. But I think what he's saying is that when he was in medical school, he called in for a momentous occasion of the first time he did a prostate examiner. Right. And God bless him and all the prostate examiners out there. Look, Jordan and I are headed towards prostate exams, not long from now. Sure. I've been trying to do my due diligence, make sure mine is going good.

I'd give it a little check. Right. Not all the time, but, you know, once a month or so. Once a month. But now he's an anesthesiologist. So congratulations, Ben. And I cannot imagine that there is a more popular profession at the fish concert than anesthesiola. Yes, this guy brings the party favors. Oh, my God. This guy brings some nitrous or something. Did he say, but he ended with the liver, the liver. So I think he does anesthesiology at liver transplant.

Oh, at. Okay, got it. Yeah. I mean, not like in parallel as part of the liver transplant. But he's not, whole cutting. He's not cut off the way. I see. I see.

Okay. that makes sense to me. I think that he leaves that to a liverologist. Yes, I got it. He's an anesthesiologist. He's an anesthesiologist. Right, no. You ever been to a fish concert?

I've never been. What's the closest you've ever been to a fish concert? Lilith Fair. Lilith Fair. Yeah. Like original? Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, gee.

So this was 1994 or five or something? Oh, this must have been. No, that came later. I think it was like 97, 98. What's the line? think we can do this Jordan. Okay. Yeah.

Indigo girls. They were, I don't think they were on board yet because they had to come in and like shake things up when it wasn't going well. Sarah McLaughlin? Yes. Okay. Michelle and Degeocello. I love it.

That's your number two. Well, that's the one. Look, if I was going to live there, you know I'd be going, I'd make a be line to Michelle's stage. No, I say I love that that's your number two because that's my number one. I love Michelle and Degello. Well, I just happened to be speaking with her. last week.

Really, about her new duets? About her new album. Oh, I love her so much. Me too. No, she was not there. I wish she were there. Okay. She did do a Lilith Fair, I think.

Oh, yeah. She was around. Ani. Did Ani ever do it? She never did any. She's too badass. Was it too corporate, maybe? She's too badass, I think.

I think she's too punk rock. But isn't that almost like the sort of, like, Ani not doing Lilith Fair is sort of like the butterfly effect version of like, there was never a movie with Sinbad playing Kazam. You're doing a terrible description of what you're trying. I don't know with the cultural.

The Mandela. The Mandela. Right. If someone said, oh, I saw, I saw Ani DeFranco, a Lilifair. That sounds right. It's the ear and sounds correct. And it never happened.

I might be out of people. Tori Amos? I don't think Tori did the Lilfair either, but I've seen her in concert, but not there. Yeah, I think I'm out too. My wife was all Anni and Tori. Yeah, Tori's amazing.

In those years. Cheryl Crowe was there. But I remember that she went to Lilifera and then Michelle was there. Yes. And so that was what we shared, was we connected. I was like, oh shit, Michelle was there?

I love her. You love Michelle? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've always loved Michelle? Oh, since I was like 12 years old since her first record. I love her so much. I adore her.

Yeah, but I mean, the main thing that I remember, there was some smaller artists that I don't, whose names I don't remember, it was, but it was definitely Sarah, Paula Cole, of course. Oh, can I guess? Yeah. Spice curls. Oh, no, no, no. It was a, it was an S.

Britney. Nope, not a, not Brittany. Okay. One S. I'll just, should I tell you, or give you initials. Chick here. Close. Shah.

Shaboozy. Shere, Cher, Cher, Cher. Chef. Commerce, Swedish. We did. It was Cheryl. I've put out some great guesses. Those were some really good guesses.

Cheryl Crow was it... Oh my gosh, she was a huge part of the Little Affair, yeah. Really? Yes, huge. I never would have thought of Cheryl Crow being at Lilith Fair. No, Cheryl was very much... Joan Osborne, yes. Yes, Joan Osborne, yes.

Did you get super blazed at Lilith Fair? No, I was too nervous that people would know I was gay for being there. I was on edge. Sure, or weren't people would know you were gay at Lilith. And all the bros would bully you. I was a teenager, so I was, and this is Long Island, so I'm just sort of like, yeah, this is, this is dope. This is so cool. I love this.

Love this great. But I, oh my God, I was like dying, you know. Did you go with boys or girls? Girls. Friends from the theater program? No. I don't know, I actually went with like a cool girl who asked me. Really?

Yeah, she was a cool girl who, like, was hot and cool and befriended me. I feel like, you're the only straight guy I know who we can talk. to going to this. Yeah, she would come to me with like boy problems and I'd be like, yeah, yeah, totally. I feel the same way, but with girls. With girls. I have the same problems that I like. Yeah, but she invited me and I was like, hell yes, I went to, and that was the concert where what I remember the most vividly is that Cheryl Crow came out and she had recently cut her

hair. She had like her sort of like shaggy like mom cut, you know, like a, Like, sort of like Mia Farrow, but like a little mord butch. And the ladies went cuckoo. Wow. And I went cuckoo, but it was, it was, it was, it was buccanelian. I mean, this wasn't like, this wasn't like when Dylan went electric. This was, people liked the haircut.

They loved it. They loved it. They ate it up. I mean, it was living proof that every day is a winding road. That's right. That's true. That's true. Right there in front of them. At that.

Shania, was Shania there? No way. No. Nope. Okay, let's do this. Let's listen to another call and then let's, Christian, if you have any interesting five-star sex shop reviews, would love to hear them.

I'll be honest with you. The five-star reviews are so positive. They're so, you know, this is an institution here, dude. There's 13 reviews on Yelp, yeah? There are 247 five-star reviews on Google. Wow. Oh, extremely heartwarming. It's where the psychos review.

One guy. I mean, I guess it's run by one guy. His name is Jack. I assume for Jack off or something. Yeah, probably. Short for jacking off. And he's an extremely helpful man, apparently. No, okay.

Everybody's looking for dildos or throat numbing sprays, and they are extremely pleased with what they get. Call my boy, Jack. He's a very informed man. Okay. There's a photo for you. And there's a photo of a sex doll in a torture chair. Guys, can I say something I thought of?

You know, throat numbing sprays. Do you want me to set you up for it, Jesse? Are the throat goats throat coat? Yes, that's true. That's true. That's fun? It is fun. It is fun.

That's fun thing to say on a podcast. Sure, why not? Might as well. What are the reviews like? They just are about how helpful the guy is? Yeah. Jack. I'll read one right now for the throat spray.

Yeah. My experience looking for a throat numbing spray was amazing. I feel comfortable and very informed when I asked the staff what product I should get. Highly recommend this store for purchases regarding all X needs and cloudy dreams. Winky face. Cloudy dreams because it is also a smoke shop. Okay. Well, they do it all.

It's like Target. Wait, buddy? here's the thing I am I might stop by to Marks I'm going to be doing errands but I'm also looking for some perfume Oh you go right next door Oh perfect

I just go next door for perfume Oh everything's locked up behind a case It's like going to a CVS now you know You gotta call Jack over it unlocked I want that A siren goes off Jack I need some Mitch and roll on You were in

Mitchum roll on. Oh, I wore nothing but Mitchum roll on, baby. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. What I thought was a t-shirt is actually just a heavy application of Fitcham Roll-on. Oh, yeah. Roll on with the ball or the- Wonderful question, the ball.

Yeah, the ball. I used to wear that. Oh, yeah? Yeah. What do you wear now? Let's all go around the whore. What's our deodorant? That's fun.

All I wear is, I wear dove, like, sensitive skin. Okay. I think it might be ladies, but I don't care. No, I think you're fine. So if you have sensitive skin. Yeah. Jesse, what do you wear deodorant-wise? First of all, I often don't wear deodorant.

Okay. You don't have to tell me. He's from San Francisco. I don't know. But when I do wear a deodorant, I wear an unscented arminhammer. Uncented armin hammer. Nice. Christian, check it in.

Deodorant. Old spice. Old spice. Been an old spice man since I was a wee lad. I love, honestly, like, for some reason, I love the smell of deodorant. Like, there's something that's like, you know, some guys respond to cologne or with women perfumes or whatever. but like for me there's something about like bland deodorant like bland deodorant I don't know what that says about me or like where it's where that sensation is is connecting to me if it's like nostalgic or something but it's it's a turn on for me right now I am in my barber shop after shave era I tried to become a cologne man once yes and found that it gave me a migraine though the fancy one that I bought was

giving me migraines, and I was like, I guess I can't be a cologne guy. Oh, I hear you. I get nauseous in like cologne stores. But then I was at the grocery store in the Latin product section, and I bought something called Florida Water. Yes. Now, Florida water appears to be primarily used for which purposes. Mm-hmm. And it is used to some extent for, like, crystal store which purposes.

but it is substantially seems to be used for like curandera type which purposes. And I just bought it because it's called Florida Water and it has a great label. And it was like $6. And I like how it smells actually. And I'm like, great. Well, I'm going to like put this in my humidifier and like put it on. It only lasts for an hour or something like that. And then I like the way that the talcum powder that they put on.

your neck smells at the barbershop. And I found out that though that clubman Pinode also makes an aftershave that smells like the talcum powder. Oh. So I bought that and another aftershave like that. I also bought, I also was at the Armenian deli down this street. And I bought some Turkish lemon cologne because I was like, well, how could you not buy the cologne that they sell at the Armenian delicatessen?

And I bought some halveh, too. And both were a great success as far as I'm concerned. Wait, the halve was a scent? No, the halva was just halva. Just eat, right, okay. But yeah, the scent worked. Yeah. It didn't make you dizzy or give you my brain.

I bought maybe some sumac or something as well. Sure. You know. I mean, honestly, like, the simplicity of aftershave is just classic. And that is a scent I also respond to. What are your top most disliked sense? Oh, shit. Sense is in like Cologne or just smells in general.

I should. The scent of like gaudy 90s Cologne. Sure. Aquad Gio. CK1. Those are just so, oh, abracombie. I mean, I'm just referencing like what I grew up around, but it was so intense. But I'm like you.

I could pass out from Bath and Body Works or the Cologne perfume section. I could pass out. I went into the Sephora, maybe like a year ago, year and a half ago. We got cameras in the studio. And I'm like, I'm not too proud to go into Sephora and find a guy and ask him what concealer I should wear if I don't want to look like I'm wearing makeup. And I went into, I was in Old Town Pasadena. Yes.

I saw the Sephora. I went into the Sephora and it is absolutely my worst fucking nightmare. Because of the smell. Because of the smell and just the overall intensity

of the sensory experience. So bright. Like it's not just the smell like the smell is the main part of it but there's also like I mean I'm sure it felt to me like you felt

when you stepped off that ferry. That's right. Excuse me. Dumped from the ferry. Dismounted. Just send it, yeah, whatever. Yeah. Disembarked.

Disembark. I just found out. Thank you. Disembarked. Like when you disembarked in Fire Island, like, the amount of overwhelming is 12 out of 10. Did you stay in it? Did you get help? I like, I basically, I went, first of all, I just stood there for a while, just looking

around and getting more and more upset and worried. I went to the counter, and there was a woman there, and I said, hi, I need makeup for camera. Is there a man can help? And the sweetest guy came and help me. And I'm like, just sell me the three things to wear. Yes. I'll look it up on YouTube later.

I need to leave now. And he could have put something in my hand that cost $700. And I would have just paid it. And then maybe like eight months later, I was visiting my other co-host, John Hodgman, in New York City. And I was staying at a friend's house in Manhattan. And I just was walking down the street. And I realized that I was on the same block as a professional makeup store for like Broadway.

And I went in there. And that was my favorite place I've ever been in my life. Why? Doesn't smell. huge racks of things like fake blood and stain removers because there was also costume supply. It was like, it was not costumes,

but it was like supplies for costumers and supplies for professional makeup artists. So it was like just so many, I love a store that has wire racks that seems like it's for the trade of any kind. Like I love a restaurant supply store. I love, and it was that but for 20 different kinds of like fake scar, 75,000 different hair colors.

And you go up to the woman and it's just an old lady that looks like she's going from canish to canish. And when I told that lady what to buy, it was the greatest shopping experience I've ever had. I'm just like, I need this stuff. And she goes, oh, is it for this? For this? okay, show me your hand, you know? And I'm like, she's like, I'm putting this on there. That's what you'll do.

You always want to pat it. Don't smear it. And I was like, I'm so sorry that I'm ordering, I'm like here to buy three things. I'm not here to buy like all this stuff for a, you know, a Broadway show. And she's like, you can always call us to order more. And I'm like, great, I love this.

But yeah, Sephora is the nightmare version. Well, my friend, when I needed to do the same thing, and I was like, all right, I'm going to be doing. more on-camera stuff. You know, my friend who is good at this, who also does drag, but he just is like, he's a makeup guy. I'm like, I need, I need,

this is too overwhelming. I cannot go into myself. Is he a makeup guy that does makeup or a guy that wears makeup? A guy that wears makeup. He's on the camera a lot, a lot. But he also loves, like, loves cosmetics and makeup.

It's Justin Timberlake. It's Justin Timberlake. I said, Justin, I need you to take me to Sephora. Justin, you are actually, pretty funny. You know what? I should get more credit for how funny you are. I wish someone would finally give you credit for being so funny.

Justin Timberlake. All right, they don't let him do that anymore, Jesse. 15 years since they've let him do that. They don't do anything. That bad drunk driving incident? Oh, yeah. He just kind of phased out of the culture. Yeah, it's fine.

But all of that to say, my friend... He did. He had a good run. Look, we all loved Man of the Woods. All loved man of the woods. It's so loved man of the woods. There was one song in there that I actually really liked, and it was the first single I did not even chart. Yeah.

It's too bad. Anyway, your makeup friend. No, but he took me to Sephora, and I was like, this is a lot. It's too bright. It's just, it's too much, you know. The lady's eyelashes are too much? I just, it's, I just don't know where to look.

Like you said, I don't know where to look. Too many milfs. Too many what? Too many milfs. It's really kids. Kids love Sephora. Oh. Like teens love Sephora.

Oh, my God. I cannot even be, my wife is barely a makeup wearer. But we were in theater school and there was some serious makeup girls that were our friends. And I remember, you know, that wasn't like what the girls talked about when you were a teen. Like, Sephora was pretty new when we were teens. And like, girls flipped their fucking lids over Sephora. I didn't become aware of Sephora until later in life, but I probably, I probably just wasn't paying attention. Yeah, I feel like, I feel like, I'm thinking back then it was like Bath and Body Works for the girls.

They like that, but I'm talking, but I'm talking more about, I'm talking about Emily Chan. I'm talking about Marissa Corbell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they were losing their fucking minds over going to the city. Right. No, I think it's gotten like really young, like kid kid, like, like queens. Yeah, are like going and like they like spend all their money in Sephora. I don't think kids should be wearing makeup.

And I think I don't hear I'm gonna go one more I don't think kids should be allowed in stores That's fair Because it it encourages consumerism I think kids should be allowed In the home

And in nature In farms Thank you What about farms I think a child can go into a pile of leaves And that's it Agricultural all agricultural settings Yes

Agro's yes I think if a child wants to go In a grain silo I to say Cape your child out of that silo A child's place is behind a draft horse. Yes, thank you.

No small horse, large horse only. Yeah. My friend, so he took me to Sephora, and he showed me the way, and even I was still overwhelmed from that, but he figured it out when at the same time, I think when push comes to shove next time I need to, I think I'm just going to say, I'm going to look at CVS. Really? Yeah. And you can get a biblical crossword puzzle book, too.

Seducus. Yes. I had a bit of a religious cedocou. I was in Vancouver, British Columbia, and I realized I didn't have any sunscreen. Uh-oh. And I prefer a tinted face sunscreen. A tinted face?

Yeah. Like a lightly tinted face. Okay. Sunscreen. I wear standard sunscreen on arms and legs, but on face I prefer a slightly tinted sunscreen. Okay. And because I have an olive-e complexion.

Mm-hmm. And I went into the store, and it was one that had a lot of beauty. Yeah. thing in a special beauty area. But it was just a drugstore. Yes. But I went to the lady and I said, is there a tinted sunscreen that you recommend?

Because they don't have an alpha MD, my preferred brand. And I, again, she could have put anything in my hand and I would have just bought it. To be done with it and leave, et cetera, et cetera. She gave me one. Yeah, weird brands in Canada. That she really liked and said was her favorite that she wears and she thinks is really fancy. It was too chalky. It got on everything.

Oh, no. What you need, I know nothing about anything. I think it costs $40 or whatever, $35 or whatever. That's a lot. That's what these face sunscreens cost. There's one sunscreen that I wear that is, all I care about is not sticky, being sticky and sweaty. It's called super goop.

Everyone knows it. Like, people know it. It's a special product. Well, let me ask you this. Have you tried the Trader Joe's doop. No. Goop dupe. Try that Trader Joe's.

They have a goop dupe. Are you kidding me? Not at all. And it works? Tremendous. I need this goop-dupe. Get that goop-dip-dooop. Call my friend Joe.

Okay. He's going to help you out. Does that make sense for Joe off? Yeah. Christian, do we have another call in there? Yes, we do. Let's play it. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Christian.

This is Kirsta calling from Oakland, California, for your classic segment, LinkedIn, DEMs that my fiancé has gotten. Recently, my fiancé was DM'd on LinkedIn by a professional matchmaker who apparently is representing an exceptional client in the Bay Area, who is accomplished, engaging, and leads a well-rounded lifestyle. And this lady, who is a professional, felt that my fiancé would be a good fit for the type of connection she's seeking. Anyways, I'm mostly calling because I'm excited to learn that professional matchmakers for

high-level executive is a real job. That feels more of like a cartoon hallmark job, but I guess it's real. And also to brag that my fiancé is hot, because the only thing she is basing this off of, I assume, is his LinkedIn profile picture. Anyways, love you guys. Bye. First of all, if we presume that this isn't a new type of fishing expedition. Yeah. That fishing, that Nigerian scammers or equivalent are going on LinkedIn.

Yeah. pretending to be professional matchmakers in Oakland. But there's enough specifics. I'm going to take, even though Kirsta is short on letters in her name, I'm going to take her word for it that this was real. It's possible that there's more than just how hunky he is. He might have a desirable profession. Yeah.

Right. Elliot, get ready. I don't know if you've been getting this yet, but there's that scam where people will email you and tell you, they're going to put your book in an international book club. Oh, I have not. Oh, yeah. As soon as you write a book, you'll start getting these emails with poor English saying that they've chosen your book to be part of like an international book club.

Huh. And if you respond to them, they will start saying weirder and weirder things. And apparently there's a fee to join this book club, but it'll get your book out there to thousands of. Oh, my God. Okay, we'll have to consider that. Yeah. Have you guys gotten emails asking to book you on podcasts, but then it costs money to be on the podcast?

I have not. That's hilarious. That's also a type of phishing email. We will be requiring a fee, though, by the way. This is when we ask you. Yeah, you didn't get Christian's email is what you're telling us. I didn't get the I. It's 50 bucks.

It's a dollar per listener. Got it. Okay. I have heard from multiple people who got that email about Bullseye with Jesse Thorne. Oh, okay. The radio program. That is true. and I think

I've heard a lot of people getting it for fresh air and I just like to imagine Terry Gross charging 200 bucks me too like if I could get on fresh air Gross needs a little walking around money she's going around down buy her little leather jacket sure

she likes to wear a leather jacket Terry lady she does that's that I think right in interviews yeah she wears a little she wears a little leather jacket Jacket. Which is funny because you'd think leather makes so much noise. No, not a nice supple deer skin. She's probably wearing a supple deer skin.

Yeah, you're right. That's what I would say. That's why, you know, when she's interviewing people on fresh air, you hear, wait, boop, weep, weep, whoop. So when you were growing up, you felt like you were trapped between two worlds. A lot of people on Fresh Air, I feel like they were trapped. They actually, oh, my God. Anne-Marie Baldinato, one of the producers on Fresh Air.

her only job is to edit out. Weep, boop, weep, boop, weep, weep. I get a lot of really, really wild LinkedIn DMs. The other day I got one from the sky, and it was just this, you know, paragraphless block of text about a documentary he wanted to make about, like, food additives to some real RFK shit, some real just like, there's poison food additives, blah, blah, blah.

And, like, he started it with, I think you'd be a great fit for, and then just described this insaneo documentary he wanted to make. And I just, and I shouldn't respond to these. I should not respond to people. I should just not do it because then, you know, who knows? But I was like, what made you think I would be a good fit for this? And then he's like, just putting it out there, six degrees of separation.

Which I thought was pretty. From whom? I don't know. Someone who knew about food add-a-dude. Will Smith? I mean, a word. Star of six degrees of separation. Yes, maybe.

That is so weird. Maybe. I don't really use, once the writer's strike happened, I was like, basically, post-writer's strike, as a TV writer, things have gotten rough and it's bad. So I, like a lot of people in the same boat have had to pivot and, you know, find different ways, which is how the book came about. But at the same time, I did create a LinkedIn. And to this day, I cannot under, I don't understand.

And it just seems like a depressing cult adjacent. It's a real fucking bummer. Like, it's so, it feels like Facebook, which is already its own, like, techno cemetery. But this is like, like, LinkedIn is a good phrase for that. Lincoln's like a creepy. By the way, have you been to the techno cemetery on Fire Island? Yes, it's called Fire Island. They call it now.

I just, I don't understand. The language around it is so weird. I guess it's because I'm not, I'm, I'm, lucky enough to have to not have to have spent enough time in I guess corporate America that the bizarre the metaphors and the you know right the grind set guys and like bragging about like how they like missed their kids birthday party because they were like talking to a client what what is this place and how does it seem to apply to everybody in every business it makes no sense to me well and it's a good place to hear from the people who are excited about it

I think it's pretty exciting. Right. People who are six degrees of separation away from you. Sure. Just putting it out there. Yeah, just putting it out there. Separation. Elliot, I just want to say that I endorse you for book.

Thank you. Yes. Book, book, book. Would you like to endorse Elliot for something? I also endorse you for book. Thank you for endorsing me for book. Christian, is there anything you'd like to endorse Elliot for on LinkedIn? Book?

Maybe good shorts. Is that a skill you could have? Shorts. Wait, I didn't even know what you're endorsing? Yeah, isn't that a thing on the... Yeah,

I'm endorsed on Adobe audition. One time my dad endorsed me on podcast. For real? This is a thing. Yeah. Huh. And what is your, and your dad is endorsing you as in being like...

My dad passed away. I'm so sorry. But he was endorsing you for... His final act. For podcasting. He told the doctor at the VA hospice. It's like, just make sure.

to endorse my son on LinkedIn. What an odd. Yeah, again, like, what? It's a strange world. I don't know. It is, I only log in every once in a while, because once I didn't log in for like 10 years. And then I had got an email from Comedy Central asking me to produce a bunch of podcasts for them.

Okay. And I was like, oh, I should have produced those podcasts for, Comedy Central. Oh, you missed it. You produced the Crohn-Dand-Doon podcast. I truly got it like five years after they sent it. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, everything seems like spam on there to me. Yes. In the little that I engage with it. And it is, it's, you know, you endorse everyone for nightmare value. That's true. Endorse. Let's do this. Let's take a little break.

Let's all endorse each other. Okay. And we'll come back and wrap it up. It is anal August. That's true. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan. Jessica. La, la, la, la, la.

International Waters is back, baby. Do you like fun, silly conversations? Do you like fun, silly games? We got them both. And it's on International Waters. I am the host, Dave Holmes. This is a panel show that pits American and British comics against each other in a lively and hilarious competition.

What is gentlemen's relish? Who is bagpuss? Why is the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile so emotionally resonant? and why doesn't American cheese have its own anthem? Get the answers and be left with numerous questions about that and so much more nonsense and or codswallop twice a month here on international waters. You can catch international waters on maximum fun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Say, what's the trivia show where dreams come true?

It's got to be go fact yourself. Legend in the house. We quiz celebrity contestants about topics they love. Then bring out. surprise experts. To delight and amaze. And then finally tell us why you know and love the lyrics to the song, Knocking Boots by Candyman.

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La La La. It's Jordan. Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne America's Radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective, and I'm Elliot Glazer, humorist. Now, it's another evening that as we record this program, there is a concert going on in Pershing Square. This time it is

Tray Songs, Yes. Soldier Boy, and Ray J. And there was a moment when Christian put the line up in front of us that I thought to myself, huh, I don't know anything about Trey songs or Soldier Boy's penises. But Ray J.

Ray J. Everyone's seen his penis? Yeah. I think Soldier Boy, this might be brain rot. But I feel like there was a moment where in Soldier Boy was, there was some photo or something where he was, maybe his underwear was. Cranking Dad? What's that?

I think he had a gray sweatpants moment. Ah, where you could see the outline of. And people like it? Oh, yeah. People are into it. For sure. Congratulations to Soldier Boy, and you know what? Condolence is to Trey Song.

No, Tray Song's is, I mean, I don't know what his penis looks like, but he's very handsome. But, I mean, we're talking about penises right now. You're right. That's true. We're not talking about handsome. I've never seen Trey's penis. Yeah. That's what I'm saying.

I think he's keeping it under wraps. He doesn't have Soldier Boy and Ray J's courage to share it publicly because they know what they're working with and he knows what he's working with. Have you seen Kid Inks penis? That's the opening act. Well, the top opening act is Doro. Doro. Doro.

Doro. Doro, the explorer. Doro, by the way, just performs traditional Celtic music. Oh. Well, that's nice. Yeah. I think only of Brandi and penis when I think of Ray J. Yes.

What else is there? And that's the worst for Brandy because she is really just so underrated. Brandy is cool. She's so cool. Good actor. Great actor, incredible vocalist. Randy, go on bullseye. We've tried to book Brandy.

We've never succeeded. Really? Get hard nose. Hard nose. Now, on your book tour, Elliot, are you opening for Dora or do you... Where's Dora opening for you? He's opening for me, but it's penis out.

Oh, okay. It's fully nude Celtic dancing. Oh. That's nice. Yeah. That's really... Are you both Celtic dancing? No, just him.

Just him. I'm nude, but he's the one who's doing it. Are you doing? I'm just hanging out. I'm just hanging. You're doing the fruit. Yeah, they're just doing that. We're reading from your new book.

That's right. A nude book tour. Nude, new book. Have you done any book tour or things yet? No. Well, that's actually, I did one thing in New York called the New York Pride Book Fair, but my book is not out and it wasn't out yet. So it was...

It'll probably be out when this episode comes out. But it's not out as we record this episode. Correct. So, yeah. But the pub day is August 11th, so I'll be doing book soup here in New York with Trixie Mattel, and then the 17th in New York at the Strand. And there's other places that it'll be popping up. I'm doing one in Kentucky in September. Hey, okay. How did it end up in my old Kentucky home?

I don't know. Somebody reached out to my agent and was like, oh, we'd like to have him here. Was it a horse? It was an equestrian bookstore, yeah. When I went to Kentucky, there's so many statues of horses. That's the only thing I remember about Lexington, Kentucky is just the sheer volume of statues of horses. Well, my, yeah, Lexington, Lexington. Because my friend who is from Louisville is like Lexington's trash. Don't go to Lexington.

Okay. So when we were in Lexington, I went to Lexington with Hodgman and God bless him, Travis McElroyd drove out from Cincinnati. And we did a fantastic job. We were so grateful to have him there. But we're in Lexington, Kentucky. We had a, you know, autograph thing afterwards. every single person who came up to us said, how come we didn't go to Louisville?

Why did you come to Lexington and not Louisville? Right. And Lexington is kind of a nice place. Went to a few nice vintage clothing stores and shit. You know, I mean, they got fucking pour over coffee, just like anybody else does. It's 2026. Sure.

But every single person that came up to us was mad that we had gone to Lexington instead of Louisville. Yeah, and so I wonder what that is. I don't know what's going on in Louisville. It's so great. Yeah, I think, well, They got those famous sluggers. My friend,

my friend said, I think it's just that it's a, I think the vibe is that it's a, it's a more esteemed, sort of like old wealth, perhaps. Okay. Even more equestrian.

And Lexington is more horse money? I don't know. No, I think Lou is even more horse. Lue is more equestrian than Lexington? I think so. How is that even possible? I think it's real, like, real horsey. I feel like,

I feel like the horse statues were holding up the heavens in Kentucky in in in in Lexington I don't know well where's the um where's the what's the thing the sports thing with the Kentucky Derby yeah we're in Kentucky to sports thing with the horses yeah yeah the horsey sports thing is it in Louisville? Don't know. Is that in Louisville or Lexington couldn't tell you couldn't tell you that's at uh something downs yes that's of course you'll find that over there at something or other down why must the names have Hugh Downs Hugh Downs is over at Hugh Downs yes it's Hugh Downs

You downs. Well, Elliot, it's been a joy to have you on the program. Thank you for having me. Thank you for making the time to do it. Elliot's book is the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad gay. You can purchase it in bookstores now. It is also available in audiobook form. Correct.

So buy that. Have your library order it. Oh, yeah. It's great to have your library order. You don't want to buy it? Call your local library. Great for books. Love libraries for books.

Library sales are important. to the life of a book. Jordan, you want to do a quick roleplay just so people have an example of how to call their library? I would love to. Would you like to be the caller? Or the Jordan,

just a go listener caller? Oh, I want to be like a cop who's like, keep it down in here. I'm going to have to write you a ticket. And then I hit the boombox and I start stripping. So Ellie has to be the librarian?

Well, I want to do a different thing. I want to do something else. Okay, I'll be the librarian. Wait, are we doing a library or a Bachelorette? I thought Bachelorette party. But... Bachelorette party?

Where'd you get into the strip? I'm so confused. Are I'm just calling a library? You're calling a library. I'll... I'll do my thing later when I get home. Okay, got it. Elliot, you're the librarian.

Okay. I'm a Jordan Jesse go listener. Okay. Hello, this is the library. Hi. I'm a graphic... Shh. Sorry.

I want our listeners sound like. Hi. Very convincing with the show. They love to do that. They love to shush. Most of our listeners are half man, half goose. That's true. Oh, okay.

Hi. Hi, I was listening to the popular podcast, Jordan Jesse Go. Everyone knows what that is. It's a comic reference point. And I heard the actor and humorist, Elliot Glazer. He has a new book called The Terrible, Horrible, Very Good, No Bad, Gay. Okay, you sound unsure, but I can look it up. here on my computer.

Okay, can you type Elliot Glazer humorist into your computer and then order that book for me? It's right here, and we've already got seven copies. Can you get an eighth one? Because I have seven friends. We also have the audiobook if you need that too. I like listening to books. It's called

The verb for that is reading. They're both reading. They count the same. You're absolutely right. They do count the same. As long as you return them on time. That's exactly what a librarian would say. Elliot did the space work, too. was doing the, yeah. Well, you know, they use real, like, clunky keyboards. Yeah, they've older keyboards there at the library, so you got to clunk it up.

Librarian? Yes. Before we go, I just want to thank you for protecting my access to knowledge. There you go. I would love nothing more than to continue that opportunity for you. Also, if you let down your hair and took off your eyeglasses, you would be really pretty. Is that true? Hey, somebody's come a parked out there.

Y'all ready for this? Sir, we've asked you to leave. I was another guy. I'm a suck of guy. Wow, they bring him in waves. It's like when Litterman does, how many Spider-Man's fit in a jamba juice. A lot of fake cop strippers.

How many male strippers fit in a regional branch library? We'll never know. Well, Elliot, it's been a joy. Christian Duanyan is the producer of the program. You can find us on social media. Jordan Morris and Jesse Thorne and Jordan Jesse go. We're on Instagram. We're on Facebook.

We're on Blue Sky. We're on TikTok. The try hard guys are back and better than ever. What do we just try? Bussin. Buss and Barry. No cap. No cap brand Busson Barry soda.

That's right. No cap brand Bussonberry flavor soda. Bad drink. Look, we don't want to spoil the try hard guys hit review of that. But, boo, it was brutal. Bad drink.

It's one of the worst drinks I've ever had. Bad. No cap. Drink. Our theme music is Love You by the free design, courtesy of the free design, and light in the attic records. Our thanks to them,

we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network.

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