Jordan, Jesse, GO! - The Wrath of Mr. Bluestein with Chris Parnell

Episode Date: February 16, 2023

Chris Parnell  joins Jordan and Jesse this week to talk Chris' time in his high school TV station, Jesse's time in his high school Dr. Pepper club and the hot new Scandinavian whiskey. Check out Chris' new podcast This Job Is History anywhere you get your podcasts!Don’t forget to pre-order the “Pop’s Chocklit Shoppe of Horrors” that Jordan wrote on using code JAN231229 at your local comic shop!Ever tried Microdosing? Visit Microdose.com and use JJGO for 30% off + Free Shipping. 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, elderly golden retriever. Okay, I'd love to hear more about this, Jordan, because I've known you for 20 years, which would, I think you were probably about 18 or 19 when I met you. So that would make you very old for a golden retriever. I guess I'm, and again, there's some dog years math that I haven't done on this. Right.

I don't know. What is it? Plus seven if you're below the equator. I don't know. I think it's about two and a half kilometers to the mile. Yeah, that sounds about right. Unless it's a Canadian dog and then it's meters for some reason. Hard to say. Right. No, this is just how I feel. This is when I say I'm an elderly golden retriever, I don't mean like literally. It is just how I feel.

It is my current state. Okay. So you feel like you're literally an elderly golden retriever? Yeah. And you know, like, you know, they got a bandana. The fur is not quite so golden. Bandana's dirty. Maybe they got a weird eye.

Uh-huh. bandanas dirty um maybe they got a weird eye uh-huh you know that the owners of an older golden retriever could wash the bandana or get a new bandana that it's not a function of the age of the dog or do you think the owners have has the golden retriever been on some kind of incredible journey i know i think there's a you know in my, the dog that I am in my mind is so broken down. Right. That even though the bandana, you know, that he got at the groomers five years ago is filthy. There's just a sense of fuck it. You know, he's old.

They got a little stair stepper thing so I can get on the bed. Right. I probably shouldn't be up there so I can get on the bed. Right. I probably shouldn't be up there because I have oozing sores. I'm imagining. Well, this oozing sores has overwhelmed all of my imaginings. Previously, I had been imagining a situation where he lived in one of those kinds of homes where there's the outline of legs permanently on the sofa, like sort of burned in with a combination of pressure and grease. That's the sort of home I'm imagining for this elderly

golden retriever that you quite literally are, as I understand it. Yeah. No. So this is how I feel. And yeah, in the house in my mind, yes, there's a stained brownish couch. Maybe TV still got rabbit ears. Sure. Turned to static all the time. One swinging light bulb. Yeah. No, I am.

You live in what they call a hot plate house. Right. There's a stove, but fuck it, you know? Yeah. What am I, the Monopoly man? No. Why use a pan when you can just open up the top of the can and put it right down on the hot plate thank you exactly i have as listeners

to this program know and love to hear about i am a part of a swim team it is one of the cherished five topics of jordan jesse go. And whenever I bring it up, people go wild. People go apeshit. People write me letters. How come you haven't talked about Jordan's swim team lately? Right. It's been two episodes. How are things going over there at the aquatic center? Right. So the swim team has instituted a new, a new swim. There's a new little block of time where you can go. Oh, okay. I thought you meant that they had invented a new type of swimming. A new stroke? Like in addition to the breast stroke and the crawl and so forth.

Yeah. And then there's the scream swim where you just pop up. Okay. So there's a new block of time. That was one of Bobby Boris Pickett's follow-ups to the Monster Mash was the Monster Swim. That's real. We should have our own history podcast, Jordan. The market's cornered. The market's cornered. Listing follow-ups to novelty songs.

Let's twist again like we did last summer. So the swim team has instituted a new time where you can go previously it was there's an afternoon swim there's an evening swim and then there was a morning swim that started at 5 30 a.m you know and i just can't i just can't i couldn't i wanted to be 5 30 a.m guy i'm not 5 30 a.m guy right but the new swim is at 6 30 a.m. guy. I'm not 5.30 a.m. guy. Right. But the new swim is at 6.30 a.m. Turns out I can be 6.30 a.m. guy. I believe in you, Jordan. It involves getting up at 10 till 6, hopping in the car by 6.

6.10 is okay, too. I can be in the water by 6.30. And I've been doing it the past couple days. The feeling after you get out and get home and get that cup of coffee in your hand around 7.45, it's amazing. My body is made of electricity. Uh-huh. I feel godlike. Sure.

I feel like I could bend the universe to my will. The feeling when you have exercised at the beginning of the day is so amazing. Until around 4 p.m. when I just feel like absolute shit and want to go to bed. feel like absolute shit and want to go to bed i feel like an elderly golden retriever covered in sores with a filthy ass bandana in a fucking swinging light bulb house and i'm just i'm waiting i'm waiting to just close my eyes and drift off jordan we're gonna have to get you some joint chews that That's the answer here. What are those? It's some chews for the health of your joints. It's supplements for the health of your older dog, such as yourself. Man, is this going to be a thing where you're going to have to

hide pills in ham and give them to me? Are you going to have to roll up pills in ham? I hate to tell you, buddy. That's your responsibility, by the way. I hate to be the one to break this to you after 20 years of friendship. But all that ham you've been eating, the ham that I hand you, it's had pills in it this whole fucking time. What? A hundred percent it's been full of pills. That is pill ham. Why did you think the ham came in nuggets rather than flat sheets?

The first ham I ever had was the ham you gave me i assumed that was all ham all hands not like maybe you should have gone somewhere else at some point and tried out a different ham and then asked why is this ham come in flaps instead of nugs a guy's just handing it to me why am i gonna go to a place and get it that's true and i'm giving you quality shit i go to a honey baked once a week i go to a place and get it? That's true. And I'm giving you quality shit. I go to a Honey Baked. Once a week, I go to Honey Baked. Yeah.

What are the pills? Oh, okay. Whatever I can find. Whatever I can scrounge up around the house, you know? Jesus Christ. Man, my whole world. I'm going to have to reevaluate some shit. Should we bring our guest onto the program?

Because I'm very excited. Me too. I'm very excited to have this guest on our show. He is just one of the funniest dudes there is. He's an alumnus of Saturday Night Live. He was once, I mean, Jordan and I were talking about this the other day, and I know our guest, he probably doesn't remember this part of our conversation when he came on my show 10 years ago, but I literally think that his character dr spaceman might be the funniest thing of all time up there you probably you know him as a as a voice actor he's one of my co-stars on the television show archer you had that one line no i have like three or four lines jordan okay like three did you not watch it when i was on our sorry i'm just still mad about the ham thing. It's going to take me a while. You're just putting me down.

You did watch it. I didn't mean to. No, that was, that was. You watched it and now you're being a dick to me. Our guest on the program, he's the host of the brand new podcast, This Job is History, Mr. Chris Parnell. Hi, Chris. How are you?

I'm well, thanks. How are you? Chris, Jesse and I have both been enjoying your great new history podcast. I was wondering, listening to it, were you like a history guy going into this? Are you one of those, like, give me that sweet history dudes? Well, in all honesty, not necessarily. But, you know, it's like if something comes up in the paper that I'm reading, you know, or involves something historical that is of interest, you know, I'll read about it. But

I can't honestly call myself a history buff, but I've learned a fair bit about it doing this podcast. Chris, I'm concerned that you think that the place to read about history is in the newspaper, which is exact. I mean, technically, it's the first draft of history. So I'll give you that. But usually it's about stuff that happened yesterday, Chris. Well, it's true. But now, now like newspapers have an archive of, of, you know, sometimes going back a hundred years. Are you on newspapers.com, Chris? Are you doing searches for the names of 19th century baseball players or something? If not a history guy, what sort of guy were you in high school and college? What were your, like, I'm getting interests things? Well, you know, I was in high school. I was a high school theater guy. I was in the theater department. And we also had a television studio so i was involved with that as a as an

anchor and as a director and wow a high school i always thought high school tv studio was just something that happened on high school shows to give them plots i never knew high schools actually had had that what what was it what were you doing? Well, one of the most exciting things to me to do was we covered the Friday night football games. And we would have a Jeep that rolled up and down the sideline, you know, on the track part of the field. And a camera in there. We'd have a camera and two announcers up top of the press box. So they had a good view of that. And they'd swing around and get the comment commentators which were also high school guys and then we had a whole truck set up where i was the director for a couple

of years and you know we had tape inserts and titles and you know all that kind of stuff yeah it was pretty cool what the fuck high school did you go to did you go to fox deportes high school espn 5 is where you went to high school. Yeah, that's what I definitely remember. The episodes of Saved by the Bell, where they had a radio station because of a plot line, and then you never heard of that radio station again. Yeah, my school didn't even have a football team. No? All the clubs at my school were novelty clubs because people found out that you could get $200 if you started a club for club activities.

Really? Yeah. What was one of the novelty clubs? I was the president of the Dr. Pepper Club. I'm not here to brag, but that's just reality. What'd you do with that? What'd you do with those ill-gotten $200? I mean, what the fuck do you think we did with it?

It was the Dr. Pepper club in 1996 or whatever, how much Dr. Pepper was 200 bucks. I mean a pretty good amount. And we had a pretty broad collection of fake Dr. Peppers as well. We would encourage students. You also got to put something in the announcement sometimes. So we would encourage students to bring us generic Dr. Peppers from around the world. Dr. Starr and, you know. Oh, yeah. Dr. Becker. Colonel Tasty.

Wait, is Dr. Becker, is that a type of fake Dr. Pepper or is that just Ted Danson in the late 90s or early 2000s? Between Cheers and The Good Place was Dr. Becker. What did you do in these meetings? Did you just sit around and sample other beverages yeah we would have dr peppers there and then we we would get the movie cart you know how in high school there's a vcr that's connected to a television it's all in a giant cart with a big earthquake straps of course so we would get that rolled into

the classroom you needed a teacher to be in charge of the club. And there was this real nice student teacher named Mr. Crawford, and he was willing to do it. He was really into Love and Rockets and the Shirelles. That was women's studies major, Mr. Crawford. Nice guy. But yeah, we would wheel that movie card in. We'd put on Airplane or whatever, have some Dr. Peppers, plan our next caper. Delightful.

But your school, what other professional level operations were being run at your, well, first of all, Chris, where, what high school is this? Where'd you go to high school? This is Germantown High School in the city of Germantown, just outside of Memphis, Tennessee. So what else was going on at this high school? Was it just a function of this high school is the size of a small city? And so there was... Well, you know what happened? When cable TV was just becoming a thing, or at least in our community, it was. MTV was just coming out. And part of the wheeling and dealing that secured the contract for Cablevision, which was the company that got the contract in Germantown there, was to put a studio in the high school.

That was part of what, you know, won them the deal. And my theater mentor and director, Frank Blustein, you know, he had a lot of knowledge about the video stuff, too. He taught a class called Mass Communications. And so he, you know, was clearly the guy to lead it. And, yeah, and it just sort of grew, you know. And we would, they would have to sort of, you know, go to the city and try to get more money each year to upgrade the cameras and the switcher and, you know, all the electronics and things like that. But, yeah, it grew and grew. It was quite an impressive place.

And then we also did, I think every high school thinks this, but we really did some pretty amazing theater productions. And I only can say that with any confidence at all because we got invited multiple times to the International Thespian Conference in Muncie, Indiana. Hey, that's the heart of thespianism across the world. That's right. You can make it in Muncie.

You can make it in Duluth. That's right. Or Lawrence Olivier, of course. Make it in Bozeman. We did our show that year. We did Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. We had the opening night show. You know, it was a big hit.

And then, you know, we got to see shows that the other schools did. And, you know, they were good, but they didn't compare to ours no i gotta tell you this chris i didn't know about this international thespian society oh yeah i'm gonna say i don't mean to be vulgar here but that sounds like a real fuck fest like that really sounds like at the end of the day what you are just what i am hearing you, this sounds like a fuck fest. You know, it might have been for some students, but I was, I was a bit of a goody two shoes. So I didn't, I didn't, I didn't have any of the sex in those years, sadly. Were you a goody two shoes, you know, because of a religious upbringing?

Exactly. Oh, okay. That's exactly why I was... I got it in one. You got it in the first guess. I grew up Southern Baptist, so I was a born-again Christian, atheist now. But yeah, I didn't want to incur the wrath of God. And so I didn't drink.

I didn't... Yeah, that guy's got some serious wrath. Yeah. Was it going on around you and you were just like abstaining and kind of feeling above it all? Or was that just like the crowd you ran with? No, you know, it was a public school. The school I had gone to prior to that was called Southern Baptist Educational Center. Oh, aspect. Sure. Yeah. We'll come up with a better name later, they said, and they just never changed it. It's a placeholder name.

with a better name later, they said, and just never changed it. It's a placeholder name. So, you know, I'm sure it was going on everywhere, but I was fairly oblivious. I had the opportunity for sure. And I, I regret that I wasn't more open to those experiences at a younger age. Even today at the age of 41 years old, I have no confidence that if I had not been a straight guy at an arts high school in the theater department, I would ever have kissed a girl, ever had the opportunity. Like without that leg up, I don't think I ever would have made it. But here I am married to my hot girlfriend from high school. Are you really? Son of a gun. Look at that. Yeah. We made out in Mr. Crawford's class one time.

Wow. Jordan. Congratulations. Sure. You know, you have a little too much Dr. Pepper. It goes to your head. Yeah. The inhibitions go down with those 23 herbs and spices. I'm thinking of Kentucky Fried Chicken, I think. I think you are, yeah.

Wait, so what was your role in the football broadcast? I know that sometimes you were in the truck. Were you ever doing color play-by-play? Were you on camera? No, I didn't know nearly enough about the sport or sports in general to be a commentator. But the first year we had it, I quickly learned how to use the titler, which is literally the thing that puts electronic titles up. Very simple back then. I had a computer at home. I had an Apple two plus. And so, you know, I knew how to do a little simple, basic programming on that. So learning the titler, that seemed like an easy entry point. And so I became the titler guy. And then, you know, I was very involved in the studio. And the next year I got to direct the whole shebang.

I'm worried, Chris, because now that I've heard about your goody two-shoes teenage years, I'm worried that you had access to this titler and you never just took a shot of someone you didn't like and wrote Boner on it or whatever. In addition to fearing the wrath of God, I feared the wrath of Mr. Blustein. I did not. Sure. You did not. Because God's probably number one wrath. Blustein's top three, though. Yeah. I mean, he and also because the broadcast was actually going out to all the cable subscribers in Germantown. So it was it was live football coverage. And I would never have put Boner on the title or I just not even like hard on instead? No, there was no place for that. Jesse, come on. You're right there underneath your enemy's face. No, no. In big yellow letters

from the titler machine is where it would be. I couldn't, never, never. During the football game, crowd shot. What were some of your roles that you look back on in the theater department? What are some of the faves? Well, I got to be a munchkin and an Emerald City citizen in The Wiz. We did a production of The Wiz. We got to do Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I was the brother Judah. But we also did some plays. We did a play called The Diviners, and I got the lead in that. He was sort of a preacher, interestingly enough, who was sort of having some questions, I think, about his faith and where he fit in his family lineage of pastors. Do you think that's where it started for you, kind of questioning your upbringing? Was it that play?

Is that when you're like, maybe I don't want my parents' life? Well, you know, I had questions throughout high school. The older I got, the more I just like, it just, I couldn't quite get it to compute, you know, the whole religion and God and everything. And it just kind of kept going until I eventually realized, oh, yeah, I don't believe that Jesus was the Savior. He was a teacher. And, you know, if you take that cornerstone away from Christianity, it all kind of crumbles. But, you know, you can still live a life of love and kindness and caring for other people. Disagree. Disagree. Hard disagree. It is tough wrestling with your faith

as a high school theater kid, because you probably will have to be at least in one religious 70s rock musical at some point and that springs up so many questions well we had joseph you know yeah sure i think that being in the diviners a play about the lineage of a group of the well the things that chris just said is a perfect example of the kind of ambition of a certain sort of theater teacher who is teaching 16 year olds and wants them to play ethically conflicted 62 year old wants them to know about literally anything other than cartoons and just sort of general horniness like not even just a broad horniness yeah there are just some like easy home run plays you can give high school kids yeah like you know bye-bye birdie oh yeah our town my favorite our town i

would say is like about as high level as you want to give a high school kid. I did R-Town in high school. Doc Gibbs. Oh, nice. A small but very important role. It is. Thank you. But yeah, when the teachers start wanting you to do...

God, they gave us Macbeth in high school. It's like, come on. How about one of the funny ones? Macbeth? Beth in high school. It's like, come on, you know, like, how about one of the funny ones, huh? Beth? We got a guy that knows how to do a four-word roll. Can we do Midsummer Night's Dream? Sure. Yeah. But yeah, it is that kind of like super ambitious theater teacher that kind of gets you to punch above your weight class. Miss Constantino, that was ours. I had no ability to understand my own

emotions, much less portray the emotions of others, much less portray them through the lens of Brecht's V effect. You know what I mean? Like the third level was two levels beyond what I could do. I was like, can I just, can I just do a Monty Python accent and be done? Can I just do a Monty Python accent and be done? There you go. Yeah, we did. Maybe our big hit of high school was Noises Off. And just like, let the high school kids be kind of PG-13 sexual.

Let them do what they think a weird British accent sounds like. Everybody's happy. Somebody's pants fall down, there's heart boxers. It's like a little bit, it's a little randy but you know as nasty as it's gonna get is a look at some heart boxers that's right well you know this will date me but i saw i saw that on broadway i actually got to see that on broadway in the original production yeah whoa cool who was in the original production oh i couldn't tell you it was a long long time ago i guess i'm thinking of the movie with christopher reeve and like maybe that's who it was.

No, it probably wasn't. I think it was George Clooney in the original, but it was George Clooney, Julia Roberts. Big theater actors of that day. Wait, no, I'm thinking of that movie with the Vespas. That's that movie with the Vespas on the poster. Might be that Vespa movie. Not the original Broadway production of Noises Off, yeah. Chris, were you to return and i don't know if you how much stage work you do but i was going to say if you ever were to return to the stage is there any of those like classic theater parts that you

would want to play i think jesse's been very vocal about wanting to play harold hill at some point in his life yeah do you have that do you have a har Harold Hill of like, oh, this is, I would love to do this? Um, you know, I really haven't done much theater theater since college. You know, I did the Groundlings, and so I was doing sketch and improv there. You know, I used to want to do the character of Edmund from King Lear, but I think I'm way too old to play Edmund anymore. but I think I'm way too old to play Edmund anymore. It would be fun maybe to try a Shakespearean role because I haven't, like I said, I haven't done that since college. Actually, I did do a little Shakespeare shortly after college, but I don't know.

Our Town is my favorite play ever. I can't watch that. Yeah, I can't watch that play without just, at a certain point, you know, falling apart in tears. It's just, I find it so moving. Is it whenever Doc Gibbs speaks? This is why Chris has a lifelong passion for phosphates. Right.

It's when Emily goes back, when Emily dies, and she goes back, and he says, just pick the most ordinary day there is. It'll be more than enough. And she goes back and sees her life. She's like, does anybody ever realize life while they live it? How wonderful it is. And the stage managers says, you know, saints and the poets, maybe, you know, but not consistently, not all the time, but I don't know. It's just one of those, it's one of those plays that if I think of it, it helps me to at least try to be more present.

That's how I feel about noises off. Just that moment when the pants fell down. You see those heart boxers. You burst into tears. Yeah. Because I think of all the times, you know, my pants fell down and my heart boxers were visible to everyone. But I was like, my mind was somewhere else. I couldn't be there with that.

Yeah. Yeah, I get it. I get it. I get it. But you also made your pants fall down on purpose all the time, right? Yeah. No, sure. And I mean, besides the on purpose, I mean, I don't have a belt. I put so much stuff in my pocket. So it's like, right.

It's not on purpose, but it's sort of my fault. Yeah. Well, you got to have your multi-tool in there. You got to have eight bucks and change. What if you stop at a parking meter? Yeah. I mean, I carry my fishing weights in there. Right.

A monster energy drink. You need a little pep around 3 p.m. You know what? I got a monster and a Red Bull in there usually. Nice. Oh, yeah. Because I like the different form factors.m. You know what? I got a monster and a Red Bull in there usually. Nice. Because I like the different form factors. Right. And then, as I said, I got the fishing weights.

I got those ankle weights that you wear when you do aerobics. Sure. I got steps in case I want to do step aerobics. Wow. And then I fill the rest with water for ballast because I don't know how ballast works. Right. You think you need it in your pants. Yeah, I think ballast is water you put in your pants on land.

Right. It's what I believe. Ballast is pants water, okay? Everybody knows that. End of the day, it's simple science. Simple science. Look it up in the goddamn encyclopedia on your pants water. You guys want to change our heart boxers and come back for a little bit more

let's take a quick break we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go it's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm looking over the horizon, Jordan. Guess what I'm seeing? Something beautiful? The Max Fund Drive.

You bet it's something beautiful. Yeah, it is. We have a special project that we've been working very hard on that if you listen to Jordan, Jesse Go, you're going to be very excited about, I'm not going to spill the beans. No, don't spill them.

Keep those beans in your pants. That's where you're keeping the beans before you spill them. Right? Yeah. Full of beans. Just can't lose. I got all these, all these beans in my pants,

beans in my pants. And I got to dance as they say, they do say that do a little bean dance. But thanks to the members of Maximum Fun for making this show possible. You can join MaxFun right now at MaximumFun.org slash join. You can wait a few weeks for the MaxFun drive, get some sweet, sweet prizes. But that's what keeps the light on here at Jordan, Jesse, go. We're also supported this week by the folks over there at Stitch Fix.

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I got a pair of green pants the other day and I love them. And that rhymes with bean pants. Well, it sounds like you got yourself some green bean pants. That's true. Some Herico Vers. As they say in France. France. Right now, Stitch Fix is offering our listeners $20 off their first fix at stitchfix.com slash JJ Go. That's stitchfix.com slash JJ Go for $20 off today. Stitchfix.com slash JJ Go. We're also supported by the folks at Lumi Labs. Those are the microdose people, Jordan. Yeah, they got these microdose gummies that deliver perfect entry-level doses of THC that help you feel just the right amount of good. Hey, if you've ever tried an edible, you know that they can be unpredictable if you don't

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again that is microdose.com code jj go and uh hey while we're on the topic of things to put in the mouth i have a food related comic book that i think that people might like to pick up it's called pop's chocolate shop of horrors it's from the good folks at Archie Horror. That's right. All your favorite Archie Comics characters put into totally fucked up horror scenarios. I wrote a story for this with the great artist Liana Congus. It's a very fun, spooky romp through Riverdale's Favorite Diner. It's at March 22nd, and you can pre-order it now. Get it on that pull list. March 22nd, and you can pre-order it now. Get it on that poll list. Pre-ordering comics is helpful to the people who make comics. So yeah, if you want to support the Archie characters getting killed in horrible ways, head over to your local comic book store and tell them you want Pop's

Chocolate Shop of Horrors coming out March 22nd. Jordan, a lot of people don't know this. Yes. Riverdale's second favorite diner is just a Red Robin. Well, I mean, you know, the folks at Riverdale appreciate an unlimited fry basket. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. They love a value in Riverdale. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Oh, Chris Parnell, Londoner about town. He is, folks. He's got his, his brelly. Jaunty cap. Brawley. Is it a brawley? Picture of the queen and he's got his uh his brelly jaunty cap brawley is it a brawley picture of the queen he's always kissing why are you why do you keep kissing the queen chris oh you know i loved her like i can't stop thinking about her she wasn't perfect sure perfect no who but who is but who among us fair enough hey thank you jordan i gotta say this to you though chris like obviously we all love the queen yeah obviously and we all carry a picture of the queen to kiss to kiss it's not a given it's a given i'm looking at our producer daniel

he's nodding yeah that's normal right i just think it's weird that your picture is from after she passed away. So I know that they like parade her around so everyone can remember what a great queen she was and celebrate her life. And I'm sure people took pictures of her lying in state or whatever. But that's a weird picture to carry around to kiss. You know, that's how I want to remember her. Right. Dead. Sir, how still she was.

At peace. Finally at peace. Thank you. Finally at peace. Not carrying the weight of a nation on her shoulders. Yes. Thank you. Rest easy, Queen One.

Not carrying the weight of a nation on her shoulders and the jewels of India on her head. Right. The stolen jewels of foreign lands. R.I.P. She taught me it was okay to be weird. Can I say this about the Queen? Sure. A fucking real one. Yes.

No bullshit with her. Make God laugh. Yeah. Hasht No bullshit with her. Make God laugh. Yeah. Hashtag make God laugh. Make God laugh. Hashtag the queen. Okay. Chris, for your information, what we do on this show, every episode, we have people give

us a call at 206-984-4FUN, and they share with us momentous occasions from their lives. Daniel is going to play one of those calls right now. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Michelle in Oregon calling with a momentous occasion. This Saturday afternoon, I was standing in my driveway texting my friend that I would be on my way shortly with my back to the street. The street is completely silent.

No kids playing, no dogs barking, no cars driving by. Completely quiet. When I hear something shatter behind me. And I turn around, and there is a crow in the middle of the street standing next to a broken ashtray. Nothing else. No one's on the street. There's no one here. It's completely quiet.

Nothing's moving. Just a crow and a broken ashtray. Fucking crow came home drunk again. Yeah. I think it was an omen. I was trying to tell her to stop smoking, right? Chris, I was just going to say omen. Yeah.

I think it's an omen to start smoking. You think? Right. Yeah, it means like fucking crows are challenging you you know i think if that were the case the ashtray would have stayed intact but you might be right you know you i mean clear cut you probably have a few ashtrays chris right uh i do not have any ashtrays do you smoke i do not oh well you go. It's a sign that you should start smoking. Ipso facto.

The absence of the ashtray is the... Look it up in the goddamn encyclopedia, Parnell. Your logic is undeniable, Jesse. Chris, have you ever had a notable vice? A notable vice? I guess

my biggest vice is, you know, I like whiskey. But I keep that in check pretty well. I don't like to get inebriated, but I just quite like the taste of a nice bourbon or rye or scotch. What are we talking about? You're getting a Japanese one or something? You know, I was doing some Japanese whiskeys for a while, and then they sort of got away from me. And I, you know, I just, I don't have a handle on what's out there in the Japanese whiskey world right now. That's so fucking embarrassing, Jordan.

Why do we keep booking these guests on our show? Sorry. I mean, if you want to teach me, I'm open to learning. No, that's not what this show is, Chris. Chris, just say like you're over Japanese whiskey and like you're into the Scandinavian shit now I don't know if that's a thing but just if you said it with confidence people would just believe that the new shit is Scandinavian and that they're chumps for drinking the Japanese stuff I mean it's kind of true the Japanese whiskey is yeah it's a little yeah a little but have you

have you tried a Scandinavian whiskey oh god the God, the Scandinavian shit. Oh, it's so smoky. Is that? Ooh. Sorry, guys. I spaced out for a minute. Is Scandinavian the new thing? Because I was. Oh.

Were you? Are you drinking? Get on board, Jesse. Oh, God. I've been drinking. Are you still drinking the Japanese stuff? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, God. I went to Japan. I got a ticket. I have a whiskey vacation planned. How do you do a show with him jordan i don't know man i don't know japan you don't have to be crazy to work here but it helped i can tell yeah i can tell oh man okay, you know what this whiskey tastes like? Pie. You know why? Because it's all over my fucking face. Yeah.

And your giant pants. Your giant, loaded, water-filled pants. Heavy pants. My pants. I want to be clear, guys. My pants are medium. Oh. It's just that I don't have a belt. My pockets are heavy, and I've lost some weight.

The pandemic, it's affected us all differently. For me, I lost a little bit of weight because I was instead of eating from anxiety, I was not eating from anxiety. So I lost some weight. And between that, I don't have a belt. Of course, I keep the water in my pockets. I used to use a rope for a belt, but I lent it to a friend. But it's against your religion, right? I assume that you don't wear a belt or any fastenings around the waist anymore.

Yeah. Part of my religion is a contempt for fastenings. Right. I'm a Zoroastrian. If the pants be clenched, God cannot see the nethers, they say. Oh, Jordan, can I tell you something? God saw my nethers and he was wrathful. Chris, how does the, how does your, let's go through this vice.

Is it like, do you do a little on the rocks at the end of the night? Do you like a cocktail? Are you making a cocktail at home? You know, I typically just drink it with a little ice. Fucking class act, Jesus Christ. Well, you know, I bought some really good, there's like this Pappy Van Winkle old-fashioned mix, which is quite tasty.

It's like a pre-made thing. You can just add it to your whiskey. It's pretty good, but it's, you know, I just, if you got a nice whiskey, why mess with it? You know, that's kind of my attitude. I'm with Chris on this. Whenever I'm in Scandinavia, which I am, I got a Scandinavian vacation coming up. Good for you.

Thank you very much. So we were talking before we went on the air. I was listening to your new podcast, This Job's History. And I was listening to one about milkmen, and I learned about milk stretching. Jordan, do you know about milk stretching? No, I have not heard the milk stretching episode. Please let me know. Well, like... It's going down with all this.

You know how white bread was invented because people kept making bread with sand? No, this is all new information okay so like in the early days of bread right when people first started not late 1980s not having a personal relationship with their bread person or baker as i call it right like when cities first got invented, for real, in the late 19th century, bakers would add sand to their wheat to stretch it further. Yeah. And one of the great innovations of industrial white bread was that your bread being industrial and white demonstrated there was no sand in it. Because otherwise, there's probably some sand it was really just a matter of how much sand you know sort of like my pockets and with milk stretching

the assertion in your program that i found most fascinating chris yes please was not that there was rampant corruption in the milkman industry. It was not even that one of these forms of corruption was known as milk stretching. Which involved watering down the milks like the drinks at a bad bar. Yeah. It was the claim that the milkman on your show, because the show is you talking to historical job havers, claimed that some people like it better.

You know, I think he was telling the truth. He seemed like an honest guy. I don't know that I've ever had, you know, just like raw cow's milk, you know, with all its fat and all of that. And maybe, you know, maybe with a little water mixed in there, it's a little, you know, it goes down a little easier. I don't know. Chris, I got an idea for your next Scandinavian vacation.

Oh, please. Let's get you some milk straight out of a teat. Well, you know, the good thing is I don't even think I'd have to go to Scandinavia to encounter a cow that produced milk. No, it's just like a Scandinavian thing. A lot of great teats right here in the good old U.S. of it. Thank you, Jordan. Let's support U.S. cows.

A teat-filled nation, it is. I don't know. Okay, Chris, as an Apple II Plus owner, by the way, I myself had an Apple II Plus. Shout out to the Apple II Plus. Nice. Great computer. Whether you go to some crazy rich kid high school with its own television station, or whether your mom went to the used computer show at the Cow Palace

with a friend of hers that knew about computers. Either way, the computer to get is the Apple II Plus. You're going to want to get Print Shop 2. That's the latest print shop available for it. How early were you on the internet? Um, my family had compu serve. I think it was okay. Your email address was just a long string of numbers. No, I don't, I didn't, I mean, I was a kid. I didn't have an email address and I don't know that. I'm not sure that there were email addresses at that point. This would have been like 78, 79, I think. So I don't think email is a thing yet.

So you were for real on CompuServe. We're not talking about CompuServe in the era when it was an alternative to America Online. No. We're talking about heavy-duty message board kind of stuff, as I remember. And I may have the name wrong. I think it was an early version of CompuServe. Did you ever accidentally set off war games? I did not.

It could happen. But I loved playing games on the computer. It came with this great basic program called Lemonade Stand, where you would get a little weather forecast, and then you would decide how many weather forecast, and then you would decide how many lemons and how much sugar you wanted to buy. And then the next day, you would have your lemonade stand, and then you would see what the weather did. And you try to sell as much lemonade as you can and make as much money. It was a very fun game. It came with a computer. It's been all downhill for video games.

Yeah. I think that's as good as it got. Jordan, I mean, I know you're a big gamer. Chris and I are sort of bigger gamers with Chris's background in Lemonade Stand and my background in the IBM PC XT game Trucker, where you just chose what speed you drove. And then sometimes it would say, Smokey's on your tail. We have been asking our listeners to email us at jordanjessegoeataol.com, which sounds like a joke email address,

but is a real email address that Daniel really set up somehow. Nice. And tell us their embarrassing tales from the early days of the internet. They're all anonymous. This one comes from an anonymous letter writer. I'm 40.

So we had a family computer when I was in about eighth grade. Prime discovering my body age. Anyway, I was very concerned about the size of my penis. I asked Jeeves and he provided. Hey, Jeeves, dick too big? How big is dick too big, Jeeves? Jordan, given the opportunity, what early search engine would you choose to check your dick size? Gosh, I think it was 2005 before I learned that there was anything other than the search bar at the top of AOL.

You weren't on dogpile.com. You weren't using AltaVista. You weren't on the directory at Yahoo clicking through the tree of choices until you finally found the dick size website with the cool sunglasses next to it. Right. I remember AltaVista or Al or altavista i'm not sure how to say it i kind of remember yeah i used that one because it was the mountain one yeah yeah you know so the mountains are huge i asked jeeves and he provided a penis size check chart with a few penis shaped outlines that you could print out your penis penis chart, sir. Thank you, Chiefs.

He lifted a cloche to reveal the penis chart. Sir, your chart is here. If sir would kindly get hard so we can measure sir's member. Measure. Accurately. Might I fluff, sir? Provided a penis-sized check chart with a few penis-shaped outlines that you could print out and kind of... Print out?

And kind of stick your wiener on and check. I got caught printing it out and had to have my stepmom and dad tell me i shouldn't worry about the size of my penis oh thanks for everything that's like a really understanding reaction from the from the parents or the parent and the step parent in this situation it's very sweet yeah i think they probably did they probably did like a parenting class at the Y. Yeah. I mean, you know. You would have to, to have that kind of insight. And they tell you like, if your child prints out a check chart for penises, right? Just sit him down and tell him not to worry.

He has a monster crank. You've seen it. That's what happened here, right? Also tell him he can just. He has a monster crank. You've seen it. That's what happened here, right? Also tell him he can just get a ruler, you know. Yeah, that too, I guess. In its own way, wouldn't you say that the ruler is the original penis check chart? I sure would.

Beautiful. And another time in an ancient day, it was probably a branch of a tree that had been designated as the penis measurement branch or possibly the size of a certain stone or I don't know. Right. I think I'm now, I'll qualify this by saying I'm not Abyssinian. Okay. I'm not Abyssinian. Okay. However, my understanding is that if you wanted to check on the size of your penis in ancient Abyssinia,

you would compare it to the size of the king's foot. That was the official measurement. You use the size of the king's foot to check. You used it as a sort of penis chart did you need to lay your penis against the king's foot to measure it or is it just kind of a known quantity yeah i mean whatever the verb you prefer is lay flap flop whatever it seems you know, boing, whatever is the most, look, that's for saints and poets. Yeah. You know what I mean? How fitting that our God is now Jeeves, right?

Yeah. Like, oh, Jeeves, show me all the best TikToks, Jeeves. All these kids are on their phones in class, Chris. I don't know if you, all these kids just on their phones all day. They could be listening to their teachers. They could be talking to their ministers. all these kids just on their phones all day they could be listening to their teachers they could be talking to their ministers instead they're on their phones jeeves show me a check chart show me a check chart jeeves for penises that's what kids are doing play in a false lemonade stand jeeves i want to be a trucker i want to be a trucker. I want to be a trucker, but I do not wish to own my own rig.

Jeeves is smoky on my tail. These kids today. Fucking kids. I'm so mad. I need to listen, Jesse. I need to take some deep breaths while I think about how wicked the kids today are.

Can we take a little bit, a little bit of a break and come back for some more? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessica. You probably already have a favorite animal. Maybe it's a powerful apex predator like the tiger or a cute and cuddly panda. And those are great. But have you considered something a little more unconventional? Could I perhaps interest you in the Greenland shark,

which can live for nearly 400 years? Or maybe the jewel wasp who performs brain surgery on cockroaches to control their minds? On Just the Zoo of Us, we review animals by giving them ratings out of 10 in the categories of effectiveness, ingenuity, and aesthetics. Listen with friends and family of all ages to find your new favorite animal with just the zoo of us on maximum fun.org or wherever you get podcasts. Hi, I'm Hal Loveland. And I'm Mark Gagliardi. And we're the hosts of We Got This with Mark and Hal, the weekly show where we settle the debates that are most important to you.

That's right. What arguments are you and your friends having that you just can't settle? Apples or oranges? Marvel or DC? Fork versus spoon? Chocolate or vanilla? Best bagel? What's the best Disney song?

We Got This with Mark and Hal, every week on Maximum Fun, we do the arguing so you don't have to. Oh, all answers are final for all people for all time. We got this. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, and I, Chris, do I have to come up with a new one or can I be the same one? You do not.

No, you can use the same one. Look. Londoner about. You're in the Groundlings Improvise, Chris. Oh, I forgot now. Businessman of the century. No, no, no. Londoner about town is great. It's a great nickname. Okay. I love it.

I like businessman of the century too, though. It's really good. I don't want to throw away the baby with the bathwater here. I got to save some of the bathwater anyway. Yeah. You got to fill those pants. Pockets are getting light. Chris, I really enjoyed checking out your podcast. It was a ton of fun. And I was excited to hear that you were recording the new season of Archer right now. Yes. Yes. Have you heard anything at all about the fate of Hall of Mirrors guy, the star of last season of Archer? A guy in Hall of Mirrors.

I have not, but you know, that's something that I probably wouldn't hear about unless he showed up in an episode and I were reading it before the record. So they only give you the sides that you're in. So you only get a few pages and then most of the pages have probably have hollow mirrors guy. So you don't get those pages. Uh, no, I think there's been a misunderstanding. I do get the whole script, Jesse. And I do read my scripts. He hasn't. So which part yet? He hasn't come up yet. No. Can I ask you a question? Cause this happens sometimes in show, I'm in show business. I can tell. I've got two television credits and briefly hosted a show for IFC 10 years ago.

Here's my question for you. This happens sometimes in show business where somebody that's on a need-to-know basis and doesn't need to know will be given what's called a dummy script. Now, a dummy script is like the kind of script, it's like a false script that they would give to you because you're a dummy. Is it possible that you're getting dummy scripts? And then the regular scripts are coming to me eventually because they're going to have a bunch of stuff about the Hall of Mirrors guy. Like he might get a name or, you know what? It's possible. I mean, I thought it was getting real scripts, but they could all be dummy scripts.

I mean, Jesse, actually. Sorry, Jordan's getting a transmission. I'm getting a transmission. This is from Mark, Mark, head writer. Touch your ear again so you can hear the transmission. I have to get it to come in clear, so I have to touch my ear. Okay, got it. This is Mark on the other line.

Oh, Mark Gannick, our friend Mark Gannick, the head writer of television's Archer. So what he is saying is that he thinks that, you know, you could do a better job with Hall of Mirrors guys dialogue than the writers can. Right. Because they're just hacks, you know, they're just right you know workaday joe's cranking out chris you probably met uh mark at some point the guy's i don't know that i have met mark well i mean he'll be on the other end of a zoom and you'll just know in your heart imagine a hack this guy's a hack that's what he he's saying to me and i don't know why he's saying this to me and not you but just kind of go with it don't't think too much. Well, you're the one with the earpiece on.

Yeah, don't think too much about anything that's going on. I'm not wearing my earpiece. What he says is that he thinks you could write better dialogue. So he just wants you to just make up, you know, a season's worth of lines. And how he's going to get these lines is he wants you to whisper them into a tin can. Right. Great. Well, I'm upset for that.

Bury it. I got one right here on my hot plate. Bury it at the can. Right. Great. Well, I'm set for that. Bury it. I got one right here on my hot plate. Bury it at the beach. Mm-hmm. Wish on a star. Thank you. And then... Done and done.

Go under the blankies. And then he'll dig up the can and put it on TV. So I think if you... Can I check in with... Will you run this by Mark? Uh-huh. This is a one-way here piece. Chris, you'll probably end up on a Zoom with Mark because they got to record your dummy dialogue.

Can you let Mark know, I've got the can. I'm going to whisper the dialogue. Bury the can. Once the can's buried, I'm going to wish on a star. Yep. So, so far, that's everything he's asked for. Right. And there's one more thing. I'm not going to do the blanky thing.

That's bullshit. Ooh. Wow. Playing hardball, Hollywood. Again, I don't know if Mark knows about the six months of a 15-minute television show that I hosted. They're great on IFC. Yeah.

Basically, don't F with you is what you're saying, I think. Right. Yeah. Don't fart with me. You know? Actually, I'm getting. I smell it. I'm getting another transmission from Mark.

Yeah. He's saying that your demands are reasonable. Hey, look at that. He's giving you everything you want. more wait hold on i got one more thing for mark oh sure i want real lines for parnell because he's great on our trip he's very very funny on our trip one of the funniest parts of one of the funniest shows yeah it's my favorite show everybody knows that's my fucking favorite show ch Chris Parnell's amazing on it. Wonderful television program.

Very lucky to be a part of that show. And the podcast is great. It has one of those like genius, why didn't I think of that premises? It is you as the host of a history show interviewing funny actors playing characters who are based on, you know, real historical people that existed. And you're laughing and you're learning. It's true. No, it's a great process. Making real jokes. Yeah. Past Jordan, Jesse, go guest. Julia Prescott actually wrote on this show. So she's one of the funniest for sure. So definitely if you're listening to this show, check out that show. I mean, it is unquestionably a wonderful use of one of your great gifts, Chris, which is sounding sonorously sincere, then changing it 3% and sounding completely insincere.

It's a wonderful, wonderful gift you have. Chris, your father was a radio broadcaster, right? Am I misremembering that? No, that's correct. Yeah, he was a disc jockey back in Memphis in the, I guess the 60s it would have been. Was he ever worried that you were making fun of him? I don't think so. He used me sometimes. He ended up having a recording studio and if he needed a kid in his commercials, he would sometimes use me or my sister. What was the best product that you advertised?

I don't even remember what the product was, but I only remember it because there's a cassette of it where something about wanting to be a quarterback like Joe Namath or something like that. I'm going to be just like Joe Namath. Is that why you're wearing that grand mink coat right now? Well, Joe Namath humor, Jordan. My best Joe Namath stuff. That's all I got on Broadway, Joe. Chris, what an honor and a joy to have you on the program. We're so grateful to you for taking the time. You're one of my all-time faves. I know you're one of Jordan's too. We're really happy to have you here.

Thank you, Jesse. Thank you, Jordan. Thanks for having me. It was very fun to do. The podcast is called This Job is History. It's real funny. It's real fun. You can find it in Wondery. You can find it in our regular podcast app a week later. You can already learn about milk stretching. I'm going to have to get my free week of Wondery so that I can hear about resurrectionists. Yes, that's the one that's, that's locked right now.

I don't know what the fuck a resurrectionist is. Do you want to know? You do want to know. Trust me. Daniel Zafran is our producer. Brian Sonny D Fernandez, our producer emeritus, our theme music.

Love you by the free design. Thanks to the free design. Thanks to their label light in the attic records. You can find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash jordan jesse go on twitter at jordan jesse go on instagram at jordan david morris and i put dot this dot on and we will talk to you next time on jordan jesse go i'll hug you and kiss you and love you love you you. Love you. Love you. Love you.