Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Top Snipes, with Jonathan Braylock

Episode Date: February 12, 2026

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Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Under the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's Radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris Boy, Detective. Now, Jordan, I have a question for you. I know that you're not a licensed psychologist.

I'm not true. I know that sort of like Antonio Villargoza taking the bar, former Los Angeles Mayor Antonio, he failed the bar. many times. I know you failed that licensing exam, even though you finished psychology school. But I feel like your education in psychology could help me with a dream interpretation that I need to work out. Oh, yeah, sure. Again, yeah, not licensed over here, but happy to hear about dreams. I know there's that. Are you licensed in other places? There's the, oh, yes. The Bahamas? Yeah, I can practice psychology in the Bahamas. And also I've got a bank account there if you need to

move some money around. Oh, great. Fantastic. Yeah, let's hear. I mean, I know there's a cliche like it's boring to hear about somebody else's dreams. I love it. Okay. And I love the word boist. This is, and I think clowns are hilarious. This isn't my dream. But I was in Mexico. Yes. And I was at a Mexico City Capitane's game. This is a professional basketball team of Mexico City with my daughter Scarlet. And you know that Scar and I like to go to events. Yes. Concerts. She's into concerts. We went to see our friend Dan D.C. the other day. Oh, hey, I bet that was fun. Yeah, it was really great. I bet that's a nice thing to take, like, a kid, too. Like, it seems like a real grown-up thing. But Dan Deakin does this kind of

crazy, like, it's, how would you describe it? It's like, it's slightly nerdy, but, like, still a cool indie rock thing, right? Yeah, like his, well, the vibe. I mean, the music, obviously, is kind of like pop dance music crossed with, like, contemporary classical music. Yeah. It's very sort of, like, what if Steve Reich was running a rave? Uh-huh. Well, no, because it's more, it's more popular than that. It has a, their songs. Yeah.

But anyway, Dan Deacon's the best. Fucking amazing. Hard to describe. Easy to have fun to. But the vibe at the concert is he's yelling at people and telling them to dance

like grown up Bart Simpson. Right. And he, my daughter can only deal with so many songs at the concert. I think we made it through six Dan Deacon songs.

And then she said, I need to leave now. She's done. And by then, Dan Deacon had set up that thing where people pair off and put their palms together to make a like a church line. Yeah, there's like a human two parts. It's called a human centipede. Scarlett's like, I want to leave before the human centipede.

And I was like, Skar, if we leave now, do you mind if we leave through the tunnel? And she said, you said, wait in the car, Daddy's going to eat some shit. Daddy's going to gobble some shit. And so we left through that. But anyway, Scarlet and I, we go to a lot of Los Angeles Sparks games. You know, we like to go to stuff together anyway. She told me we were at the Capitania's game. And sometimes we go home early.

Yeah. We were at the Capitanius game. She said, Dad, did I tell you about my dream I had? And I said, no, sweetie. What was it? And she said, you took me to a sporting event. And I said, really? She said, yeah, it was called Shark Battles.

Anyway, I fell in and they ate me. Wow. Was this terrifying to her, or is she just, like, relating it to you? He was like, well, and then I fell in and the sharks ate me. She didn't seem that scared about it. Yeah. It was pretty matter of fact. I was like, do you remember?

Like, was it really upsetting? And she's like, well, I just remembered it. And I was like, okay. She's like, I thought you would like it because it was called shark battles. Yeah. I was like, well, yeah. Yes. Correct.

You're correct. Did she, like, glean any of the rules of shark battle? Is it... Okay, is it people... Like, okay, what I'm envisioning a couple different things. Okay. One, it's like, maybe my favorite possibility. Remember the old video game joust?

Yeah, sure. Or night guys ride on ostriches, I think. Yeah. Is it like that, but like men on sharks with lances? That could be shark battle, but also it could just be sharks fighting, you know, like in a, you know, like in a... you know, like dogfighting kind of way. Can I say I would like if it was guys riding on sharks and it was a theme restaurant.

Oh, that could be fun. Like it was a medieval times for guys jousting on sharks. And you were members of like the undersea council or something. The Atlantean landed gentry are here to cheer for their champions. And you eat tuna or I guess maybe just chum. Sure, yeah. They just serve you chum. Use your chum.

How many buckets. they say. Right. I guess the first rule is if you fall in, you're fair game. Yeah, you're fucked. Yeah. First rule of shark battles, don't talk about shark battle, am I right? Second rule is, don't fall in. Don't fall in. Don't fall in. I'll say you're fucked. I know. I wonder if that's like a regular occurrence in shark battle, audience members falling in and getting eaten, or if it's like, you know, oh, this was the greatest tragedy in the history of shark battle, where they had to like change all the rules. Oh, yeah. Like when a baseball player got hit in head by a pitch and it killed him.

Sure, yeah. They have to like reevaluate, you know, what shark battle is. They have to decide how many ear flaps they should have on their helmets. Sure. You know, for a long time, they like phased in the ear flaps. Like at first, you didn't have to wear a helmet. Then you had to wear a helmet, but you didn't have to have ear flaps. And then there was guys who just wouldn't wear ear flaps.

And they got like grandfathered in. They got to play out their entire careers with no ear flaps while everyone else had ear flaps. They could hear better probably. I guess ear flaps are for pussies. How afraid of sharks are you? I mean, Jordan, I wouldn't want to fall in. No. It's not somewhere I'd go for a swim.

I'm not, do you remember there was a girl on our hall who, when we were in college, who would shut down her operation for all of Shark Week? And I thought, I don't remember this. And you know how, like, Shark Week's been going on for a while? Yeah. And, like, you know how most people will be, like, joking about Shark Week? Like, ha, ha, ha, shark week? Like she was, I was laughing with her about it, I thought, until I discovered from the expression on her face, she was dead fucking serious about Shark Week. She's like, I love fucking sharks. And I'm going to learn everything about sharks that this week has to offer.

One of the streaming services I have. I think it's HBO Max is where you find your Shark Week content. But they have now started to put Shark Week stuff on there with a thumbnail to where it looks like one of those. asylum movies. So it'll be like, shark versus Christ. And I'm like, sorry, J.C. You fell in. You're fine. Try coming back from that one in three days. You know what's in the chum bucket? Body of Christ. Sure. Right. Started out as water. Yeah. But he turned it into chum. But it'll have some weird premise like, Jesus was alive for 33 years. How long does a shark live? And it's just like something to get to the title anyway. Right. Should we introduce our guests and find out how he feels.

Ooh, yeah. How he feels about sharks. He is the host of Black Men Can't Jump in Hollywood. He's a member of the sketch comedy group, the Astronomy Club. You know, they have their own television program. That's right. On Netflix. That puts them in the top five sketch comedy groups of all time.

Yeah. Jonathan Braylock. Hi, Jonathan. Hello. Thank you for having me. It's a joy to have you. Tell us, me and Jordan. I will.

About your feelings, about our finned friends, the shark. Listen, I love sharks. Okay. I do. I love shark weak. I love watching sharks. I don't, I've never been scared of a shark, but I've also never been in a situation

where a shark could actually eat me. Right. So it's easy to say I'm not scared of sharks. Yeah, exactly. Never been to see shark battle life. Yeah. Your dad never took you to see shark battle. Shark battle.

I've never seen. Shark battle. Yeah. I've never fell in an aquarium during shark battles. Would you have a shark aquarium at your home like Tracy Morgan does? You know what? I think it sounds cool, but I feel like the upkeep of that would be awful. Is a lot of time spent maintaining pH levels.

Yeah. Buying all that food for them. Testing salinity. Also, I would feel bad for them. It's like how big is that aquarium that he has for those sharks? I want them to be able to, they need to swim in open water. Yeah. Do you think sharks, domesticated sharks,

yeah, eat shark food? Do you think they eat a more generalized fish food? Or do you think you just feed them frozen mice like a snake? And because we all know what shark food is, right? Of course. I'm like, I'm talking about like, do you go to the aquarium? Shark chow, it's pellets, right? It's a little brown pellets.

Does Petco sell shark food? And they float on the top and the sharks go up and num, num, num, num, num, num, num, I had a turtle, right? I had a turtle, and my turtle ate turtle pellets. Right. And I would go to the store, I'd get a jar pellets with a picture of a turtle on it. I presume they weren't made out of turtles. And I'd sprinkle them on in there.

And you know what you're, what's happening right now is you're actually enlightening me on the fact that I don't know what turtles eat in the wild. I guess I don't need their little aquatic plants? That's what I was. Kelp? Is that what I eat? Seweed? Insects?

I have no idea. What was the content of the pellets, Jesse? What was in the palace? They don't eat pork. I know that. It's filthy. There are a bunch of sausage in there. Nothing happens.

They don't eat fish. They only eat fish on Friday. What were your childhood pets? Okay. So my first childhood pet was... And we're going to need it to be something weird. Wait, hold on. And let's up.

I want to hear about the childhood pets, but I want to hear what each of you think a shark eats, a domesticated shark eats because I'm going to have Gabe look it up. I would assume they eat. I would assume it's some sort of dead fish. You think it's a dead fish. Yeah. Like the kind of fish that you could buy at a fish market.

I bet they have like chopped up fish head. Like, you know, like something looks like, yeah, just straight. I think the chopped up fish head is probably pretty close. Do you think it's dried or frozen? I think it's frozen. Yeah, it's probably frozen. Okay. Well, we're going to find out in just a minute.

What kind of childhood pets did you have? Start off with the parakee. Oh, we had a parakeet too named Zapper. Ours was named Tweedy. That's a fun name. I don't want to note you to death, but the name's a little on the nose. It was. I think my mom allowed us to name it, and of course, that's what we named it.

Kids are so fucking bad at naming stuff. We're just really first thought. Jordan hates noting people to death. I'm going to say we're going to have trouble with legal, so I am going to ask you to go back then. Got it. Okay. You're right. Just in terms of clearance.

Yeah, of course. So the second pet was a rabbit. or a bunny maybe I should say It was a, because it was a small It wasn't like one of those big I think it's technically a dwarf rabbit Okay not a lop What was your?

It's not one of those big little lops Did it have pointy ears or lop ears Yeah, it's pretty good I like lop ears best Yeah it wasn't a floppy eared bunny And that one Name Jenny I don't know why

That's a lovely name But yeah I mean my rabbit I stepped up our name game Miss Bunny Okay so that feels first thought again Jesse I don't want to know you to death But, yeah.

Can we go A to C on this rabbit name? So I found Jenny dead when Jenny died. And that's when you adopted her. Yeah. I found Jenny dead and it was kind of a weakens of Bernie situation. Right, yeah. And we did that for a while. And then my mom was like, you know, the rotting carcasses.

This is warping. Yeah, you were going to have to. Did you find her in her crate or storage area? Yeah. Before she died. she also like, I think like one of her legs, honestly, I don't know why my parents did put her down because I think her leg was broken at one point and it was just like, it was very sad to watch. That scarred me a little bit. Yeah. Tweedie just flew away. Yeah, I mean, we didn't have to

watch Tweedie die. Tweedie one day, my dad opened the door and flew away. And she's actually fine still. Yeah, owns a little, a little B&B in New Mexico. Oh, thank God. Yeah, she's really, oh my God. It's like simpler down there. Life simpler, slower, you know. I love it. And then I had a dog. Nala, what's her name? What kind of dog are we talking about?

You know, she was a little mutt. I don't know if we ever figured out what her mix was. She, like, was black and white. She was smaller. Yeah, we maybe didn't have access to, like, the dog DNA science that we have now. Yeah, people weren't. Where you collect the piss and mail it to somebody, right? That's what you're doing it, how you find out what your dog is.

That's when you're testing your dog for steroids. Right. Performance enhancing drugs. That is a hustle because it costs $100 and it doesn't have any value. Have you done, have you looked into dog? It sounds like you have looked into dog DNA stuff for your dogs. Oh, I've done it for every dog I've ever up. I want to be clear, like, there's no resisting it.

Okay. Like, they should fold that into the cost of acquiring the dog. Right. Like, I paid $200 for my dog at the shelter, you know. I should have had to pay $300. but they let me know exactly what the mix is ahead of time. Okay. Because there's no way you can have a dog that's a mutt

and not find out when you know you could find out. You know what I mean? You say this and that's exactly what we did. Never found out. But this was in a time before. That's true. That is. The time before times.

We didn't have the internet. Some people call them. The 90s. The early 2000s. People read books. I met a dog in Mexico City. This dog's name was Dorito. Okay.

Because his mother was named Dora. That's cute. Oh, there we go. That's cute. Do they have the chip, the Dorito in Mexico? They do have the Dorito, although ask my now nine-year-old Frankie whether they taste the same or whether you should yell at your parents for getting them. You weird ones. They probably have like a bee mascot we don't have or something, right?

They're like, what's this B? Oh, that's the Doritos mask got here. These are not the chemicals that I like. The dust is different. I will say that Ruffles Kaso flavor is very good. Ooh, yeah. I think we have access to those in America.

Okay. By the way, Doritos have been, people are going to literally think you guys are sponsored by Doritos. Doritos have so many We're trying to make it happen. Flavors now.

I feel like they've really gone like, they're like, all right, every flavor, let's do it. Let's just try it out. I think they had a little excess capacity once they dialed back the coolness of the ranch. Right.

Yeah. So when they went from cooler, ranch back to standard cool ranch 10 or 15 years ago I think that's probably what happened This dog I met in Mexico was half pit bull Half Sharpay Okay, fun mix

A big block muscle man like a pit bull And then it just had all the chubs everywhere Trubbing everywhere It was incredible I was trying to picture it Oh I was just squeezing its little flocks Oh that's so cute Jonathan I want to ask you about something that I saw in your

personal website. Oh. The button, contact. That's to watch the Jody Foster movie. I'm kidding, of course. We're having fun. We are having fun.

And I saw that movie in theaters. And it's only getting better. What's my man from Saturday Night Live called that was also on all that? And he's been on Saturday Night Live for 35 years. Kenan Thompson. Thank you. Kenan Thompson. The wonderful Kenan Thompson.

Always charming. Always delightful. The longest. Can I just insist that everybody out there take a moment to visit his personal website, which has not been updated since two. 2004. Oh, yeah. It's incredible. Oh, my God. I got to do this. It's one of those websites where it shows up in like a, it doesn't scale with your browser window. It just shows up in a little square. Yeah, okay. Space Jam. Go ahead. The graphics from Space Jam. The funnyest part about that is not that he had that site and never updated. It's that he keeps it. Yes, that he keeps it up. He keeps it. He keeps paying it. You probably have to have to have your own website now. You can, but you don't have to. Uh, you will just go to your Instagram. You know whatever credit card he bought that with no longer exists. That means he had to, they were like, they were like, we need an updated credit card and he was like, got you. Putting those numbers in.

We're keeping this up. You have a button on your website for like personal coaching. Oh, yes. So do you like teach, you know, like business guys how to give a presentation? Oh, no. Okay. I have a big presentation next week before the entire board. My confidence is terrible.

You know, I know actually, because I do a lot of improv and I know people like they do like improv for like corporations and stuff like that. I've never done that. Have you done that? Two of our friends, we have some friends in a San Francisco sketch comedy group called Casper Hauser. Uh-huh. And two of them teach part-time at Stanford and then work as corporate trainers. And they traveled the world. Our friend Rob Betaker started a stand-up comedy career in Mexico City because he just was there, I guess, teaching improv. I mean, I think, I think they like, they do like broader corporate training. But like the fact that they had improv backgrounds at a Bay Area theater sports was like what got them into that field.

And then they like own houses in the Bay Area. So it must pay well. Wow. That's amazing. I know. If you can get a corporate job where they're not sure how much to pay you so they overpay you. Exactly. That's the dream.

They're like, yeah, exactly. How much do I pay you? And you're like, this? And they're like, okay. And you're like, what? Okay. They're like, we have a lot of money. Yeah, we just, yeah, here it is.

And if we weren't giving it to you, we'd use it for something bad. Yeah. So. No, the coaching that I do, well, so I do improv coaching. And then I also do for like, people who are starting out. People who are starting out. People who are like, I got my indie team. And then I also, I do it's really, I shouldn't call it coaching.

I guess it's consulting for like scripts and stuff, like people who have written stuff. So I've worked in TV writing. now for six, seven, oh God, it's going on seven years. And so I've been doing that during during the off times because I felt like. John, I know a little bit about show business. Oh. And about television and film writing. Yes. And this is something that. The biz is what they, but just for the listeners. I'm going to give you a free tip. Please. That you can incorporate into your consulting practice and also into your own career as a writer. So when you write a script, first of all, double space. You had.

Yeah. You don't have to write as much. Yeah. You can be done earlier. When you're done, put it in an envelope, lick it, seal it, mail it to yourself. That's a copyright, baby. Whoa. Two spaces after periods, too.

There you go. Put two spaces after your periods for legibility. Okay. And I think I'm going to be really famous now. Yeah. It's coming. Oh, did you save the cat? Oh.

You're going to save the cats. Make sure you save the cat. You got to get fun games. Yes, you got to start. Well, you start an order. It goes to chaos. And then you go back to the Shire. And of course.

And then finally, seven samurai. There we go. Seven samurai. Do you get like people who are like someone who's never written anything going like, I was on ayahuasca and this is the three-hour movie about what God's like? Or is it just like? I haven't gotten that yet. Okay, because I want to send you something.

Okay. Please. Yes. I don't have any digital copies, so it's written on napkins. I've been teaching a lot, too. I teach at UCB, and so I've been teaching pilot writing class, and I'm teaching discuss writing classes, and I enjoy it. I, even though it honestly doesn't pay that well.

I... You know what I mean? The UCB, they were, like, really famous for paying a lot, right? Yeah. Yeah, I think it's like that's where Amy Polar came from. That's the first thing people know about it. And the second thing is, that's where you make it the cash. That's where you make it to cash.

And I make it to cash there. They're great. Five dollars. You guys are great. I like helping somebody get to where they want to go artistically, I think. But you've never taught, because like speaking of our friends from Casper Hauser, they got me a job once when I was still living in San Francisco. working on this book.

And it was a novel where a guy who was rich from, let's say, starting an internet service provider, some career from 1998. He was rich and he decided- He operated the pets.com puppet. No, that's Michaelian Black. Is that Michael Ian Black? That was Michaelian Black. Was it?

Yeah. Really? Operated- animus, look for it. Okay. And he knew that self-publishing was bad. Right. So he started a publishing company to publish his novel. And I got paid so much money by my just graduated from UC Santa Cruz standards, which is say more than $20. And like, I would like go to a thing and then I'd get $150. You know what I mean? Right. And they were hiring. like dozens of, like he was building an entire publishing company because he wanted to publish

his book but not have it be self-published. I looked him up. He's written like six more books. That's incredible. Yeah. He invented erotic hockey, right? Yeah. He also, okay. He also like the secret of marketing the Dan Brown books was that he, he like famously gave away a thousand copies or something. And then people. People love them so much that they became these huge bestsellers. And the Wild Animus guy was doing the same thing, but he thought he would give away 10,000 copies. So if I, I swear to God, every third thrift store that I am in has a copy of Wild Anamis on their bookshelf. Yes.

So many copies of Wild Anamist. And I'll tell you. And you ever read it? That's what I was about to say. I'll tell you what I did not do, Jordan. Wild Anamis. No, I just pretended I had read it. I started it and I was like, okay, I don't need to read any more of this.

I'm just going to nod when other people are saying like I did in literature class in high school. Yes, yes. When you like teach a new improv kid, improv, or improv and sketch, which one do you do? Both. Okay. I imagine you're a younger guy than we are. But like, I imagine the like comedy references of a 22 year old are probably weird and strange or like alien. into you or are they not?

You know, I think this is, this comes up more in, I feel like, my performance than it does in me. Because I feel like I get their references because I've seen the things that they've seen as well, because I've been alive. But when I give a reference, they're like, what are you talking about? So I've noticed that in shows like references I used to make 10 years ago. If I make them now, not as many laughs there. Sure.

And then I'm just like, huh? Oh, yes. We do a lot of steely Dan material. Like, it's almost all Dan stuff. Yes, yes, yes. Just making my in vogue references, and people are like, what's going on here? Wait, your references that are in vogue or references to the O-N-B group and Vogue? References.

Well, they're never going to get that. Did you like that? I loved it. It was really good. Thank you. Never going to get it? Oh, wait, wait, wait, copyrights, copyrights. Yeah.

is you said It's singing bad It's really fine It's not a I'll recognize this is a song I wrote it down in the middle To myself We are good

We're good We're good We are one of the members of EnVogue It might have even been Don Robinson The hot babe Frontwoman of EnVogue Made a big internet video

About how she lives in a van Oh my gosh Oh what? Yeah Or in her car maybe Maybe a living in her car Dawn from A. This is sad.

Hey, sorry. Get her out of that car. Get her into a nice townhouse. Got kicked out of Envogue at some point. Maybe she quit Envogue to pursue a solo career and got kicked out of Lucy Pearl. Right. Is Envogue one of those things where like it's one original member and then whoever? I think the other two members of Envogue are still Envogue.

Okay. Right. But Dawn is not an... vote. And then Buckethead, right? And then Buckethead. And you get a just get a session musician. I think, I think it happens with music more so than like film and TV. But like, it is wild to think you could have been a part of something that was truly so iconic that people still listen to your music today. People have been listening to it for decades. You mean if I hadn't quit Slipknot? Correct. And that's actually what I was getting. But it's just...

Easier replace people because of the masks, you know, you can throw a mask on another dude and nobody's the wiser. And then just be completely anonymous though to other people and also not have money. Like I think all of that is wild to me. Sure. Like you're just like how many, is she sitting in her car and then on the radio? She's like, that's me. Well, I here I am sitting my car listening to myself. I interviewed on Bullseye a few years ago, Wendy and Lisa. And Wendy and Lisa, A number one, if you're listening to this, go listen to that fucking interview with Wendy and Lisa because they're the coolest people in the history of the world, right? But like, I'm interviewing Wendy and Lisa of the Revolution, and I'm interviewing them because they, like, wrote the theme song to Nurse Betty.

You know what I mean? Wow. And, like, they got nominated for an Emmy for writing the theme song to Nurse Betty. Sure. No problem. Good for they're doing fine. Right. However, you're like, Wendy and Lisa were in the fucking Revolution. They were sent, they were important in the Revolution, too. And now they are like, yeah, well, we try and get showtime to let us write the theme song to Nurse Betty. You know what I mean? Right. They're like iconic geniuses who just do that for a living. Music is a hard way to, whereas I think there's some people who have a few good bar gigs and do fine.

You know, I was going to ask, yeah, if you are the other member of Invoke, if you are a cast-out member of Invoke, you know, maybe you're not playing the crypto.com arena, but could you go to Reno at a hotel and, like, sing in their theater and be fine? That's a good question. There's this woman I met a few times named Cy Smith, and she has like a solo career as a woman from EnVogue, essentially. Right. And then she also sings backups. And, like, I think if you're a real pro and you can really sing backups,

then you can tour for a living with whoever is the most famous at that time. Sure, sure, sure. Like, not everybody can tour. Not everyone is going to be able to headline forever, but like if you're Jay Maskis from Dinosaur Jr., like somebody will always need a guitarist, even if the interest in Dinosaur Jr. has ebbed. But you have to be super good,

and I think you have to be the kind of motherfucker that always shows up, which they may not. Sure. Yeah, showing up might be a good. probably have some humility, you know. That's also true. Yeah. Yeah.

And not feel the whatever jealousy. Like I'm thinking of, I'm specifically thinking of a couple weeks ago we talked about I went to see Jimmy Angel Teen Idol at the Smokehouse in Burbank. I don't know if you've been to see Jimmy Angel Teen Idol with. I am not. He's an old man who sings at the Burbank Smokehouse. Like none of those parts have I been involved with. He's 90 and he wears an Elvis wig.

But yeah, aren't there smoke houses? around the world where? Yeah, I mean, I, this is so like my childhood best friend, Pete Fields, is a country singer. And like, he's in a band called slow motion cowboys. And they tour. And they play, you know. Fast, which is ironic. Yeah, exactly.

Right. They play like, doom metal. Bars in small clubs, basically, when they're touring, right? And at one point, we were up in San Francisco. He was living in San Francisco, but then he made. moved to Las Cruces, New Mexico. And I was like, Pete, why did you move to Los Crucese, New Mexico? Like, you're a San Francisco lover. Like, what led you there? And he's also a sign painter, hand-painted signs. And he's like, if I paint one sign and do my weekly gig, I'm covered in Las Crucese, New Mexico.

And I was like, you know, he gets paid, you know, four or five hundred dollars to do a gig on Saturday nights at the blah, blah, blah. And then he paints a sign once a month. month and makes a few grand, and then he is covered for the month as long as he lives in Las Cruces New Mexico. Right. Are we, is this you saying we're moving the show to Las Cruces? I think that's the plan, right? I mean, we're got to move it somewhere. We're not paying the rent here, buddy. Sure. This is great because I am, I started making turquoise jewelry. Oh, perfect. Jonathan, you want to come with us? You know what? Let's do it. Let's do it. They probably need an improv theater. Pack it up there in Silver Lake. There we go. Yeah. I'll tell my wife.

Tell your wife. Oh, your wife's not invited. Oh, okay, I'll tell my wife I'm leaving you. Yeah, yeah, I should let her know it's over. Or Gabe can tell her Gabe. Please, please, please. Let's take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica.

Hey, gang, Jordan here. I want to remind you that this show is brought to you by all the members of Maximum Fun, and you can be a member too by going to maximum fun.org slash join. That's how you hear. bonus episodes and the bonus episodes from every show across this great network. Speaking of bonus stuff, our show podcast, movie, movie podcast, and sometimes you talk about shows, is going to be a little late this month, but never fear. We're working on a new episode just for you, and it's going to be a special one.

So make sure you are subscribed up maximum fun.org slash join. Hey, before we get back to the show, I also want to give you some opportunities to see Jesse and I live in the flesh, IRL. I'm going to be out there doing some signings for our new Predator miniseries from the good folks at Marvel Comics. On 225, I am going to be signing books at Collectors Paradise in North Hollywood, 5 to 7 p.m. On 226, I am going to be hosting a Predator double feature at the Frida Cinema in Santa Ana, a beautiful independent movie theater.

We're going to be showing two Predator movies. sign-in books. It's going to be a good old time. That starts at 7 p.m. And you can get the tickets on the Frida Cinema website. And on 228, I am going to be at Books with Pictures in Eugene, Oregon. That's right, the Eugene Oregon location. Don't go to the Portland one. I won't be there. I'm going to be in Eugene Oregon at Books with Pictures, Sign in Predator, and whatever else they got from 12 p.m. to 3 p.m. Speaking of the Pacific Northwest, I am going to be joining our pals, the doughboys, for their Portland and Seattle live shows. That's right, the funniest food podcast ever.

They're hitting the road. I'm going to be joining them in Portland and Seattle. That's 228 in Portland, 3-1 in Seattle. You can get those tickets at birdfuck.com, which is the doughboys website for some reason. Birdfuck.com. Come to see me in the doughboys in Portland and Seattle. And if you want to see Jesse and the great John Hodgman,

they are going to be doing a live show at the Bell House in Brooklyn. Two shows, March 6th and 7th. You get those tickets on the Bell House website. Go see Jesse and John. It's going to be a funny, funny, fun, fun, fun, good time. Okay, back to the show. It's Jordan Jesse Go.

I am Jesse Thorne, America's Radio, sweetheart. Jordan Morris Boy, Detective. Jonathan Braylock, curly hair enthusiast. Oh, wow. Okay. Well, me and Gabor friends, too. Let me say that. How about that?

We've got two guys with lots of hair and two guys without lots of hair. Yeah, and that's okay. And that's, you know what, I think that's fun. We respect all hairs here. We respect all hairs. You know, it's a beautiful symbol for our nation's diversity. That's a really good point. I applaud.

You know what? Good for you, Jordan. Thank you. Wow. That's amazing. Many are saying, I'm good. Wow. You know what?

I'm not saying that. I just got a letter. I just got a letter from Michelle Obama. It said, Jesse, please let your friend Jordan know that I think he's good. She said that to you and not me.

And you got this during Black History Month, which is incredible. It makes it mean a little bit more. Yeah. And I'm really just like happy to be honored during this month. And it means so much to me. I've always said this is like the month that means the most to Jordan. It's just really thrive in this month.

Yeah. Amazing. Oh man. Sometimes it's a, it's, you get that extra day too. Right. Just thrive a little bit more. If you ever see Jordan and he's really happy, it's because it's a 29 day February. It's a leap year.

That year, yeah. He loves it. It's one of those. Gabriel, first of all, I just want to emphasize to our audience at home who can't see you. You got a lot of hair. You got plenty of hair. Oh, yeah. Gabe's got a...

Gabe's got a mob. Luscious locks. Gabe's got all the follicles he needs. I have a shameful excessive hair. There you go. It's good that you're ashamed to it. Yeah, Gabe's got pews coming out the bottom of his pants. Check out Gabe's pews.

Yeah, I'm the... I'm the bald one. And I think that's beautiful. And you know, it's fine. Diversity is really important. You have hair on your face and that's what matters. That is what matters. That's what I always say.

Yeah, take that clean-shaven tips. Head hair ain't shit. Face hair is where it's at. I'm into underarm. Cool. I like that hair that you get on your knuckles. Oh, that's some hair. That's some good.

It's some punching hair. Gabriel, we've asked you to consult the internet for a little bit of pet food information. Yes. Yes, indeed. Let's start first with turtles, our shelled friends. What do turtles eat? And now I'm going to tell you my memory is that they ate turtle food, but also maybe if we put little fishes in there, they would eat the little fishes. Like the kind of like, guppy fishes that you buy.

Just like feeder. Feeder fish. Anyway, go ahead. For most domesticated turtles, they eat, oh, sorry, wild turtles. They eat insects, worms, fish, aquatic plants, algae, fruits, and even carrion.

Carrion would be like, that's like already dead. Carian moss from the Matrix? Yeah. Like dead green sea turtles. Carrienne and moss. They eat both of those things. That's fun.

That's really fun. Wow. Wait a little, Michelle, here's this one. Hold on. I just got to. letter from Barack Obama. He used to be the president. My second favorite guy.

It says he likes me better. Oh. Okay. So, you know, you're sort of Michelle's favorite. I'm Barry's favorite. Did any of the daughters say anything about me? Yeah, Malia says that she thinks she's more talented that you're at television. And you know what?

I bet she is. She's probably really good. She's probably really good. Okay, so that's turtles. Do we have any sharp? dark information? Like if you, like, I guess what kind of we're looking for is if you had a pet shark, if you were Tracy Morgan or a drug dealer.

Yeah. Real sharks feed. Tuna fishes. Right. They eat Richard Dreyfus. Richard Dreyfus. Slicest plate, bucket of nails. A boat.

A boat. See, so most domesticated sharks are either bamboo sharks or cat sharks. Okay. And they mostly eat. Well, then we know what they eat. They mostly eat other fish. Also known as Alf sharks. Yes, right. They eat cats.

And they're hilarious. Primarily it's squid, shrimp, scallops, clams, and other small fishes. Okay. That's like Robert De Niro out to dinner. A very expensive diet there. More scallops, please. Do they eat them live?

Do you just dump live fish in there? Probably. Yeah. Dang, look it off. I can see. I bet if you're a shark owner, you can just get bulk, frozen squid. Yeah, for sure.

And just chuck them in there. And I think that's what would happen. And old sharky, you'll eat them up. Do you think if it came to it, they just eat calamari rings, like frozen calamari? I mean, they certainly would. Yeah. That's delicious. Everybody loves calamar.

And if they don't. That's the app the whole table can agree. They're crazy. So shark keepers say that while they can eat live fish, keepers mostly use frozen thawed fish to avoid introducing parasites. Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense.

It's perfect sense. You got a flash reason. to kill the parasite. Well, this all makes sense. Yeah. What do you think Tracy Morgan feeds his sharks? Great question.

I bet he has like... I'm afraid to know the answer. Yeah. Yeah, I was thinking maybe lightsabers. I have a buddy. I have a buddy who just got done working on a Tracy Morgan show. This is the Tracy Morgan

Daniel Radcliffe. Correct. Yes. I think he has two sitcoms on right now, which, yes, give the world the funniest guy to shows. Bobby Moynihan. One of them is like a multi-cam.

We made a hundred at a time type thing from the previews. I think so. And yes, this one is the like from the Tina Fey Robert Carlock camp. And it's the more mockumentary. Machia prestige one. But yes, this friend of mine who worked on the show, I'm like, Tracy Morgan, he's like, yeah, he's the real deal. Like he is that and we'll do that stuff. But also I think is a super pro and great to work with.

Oh, that's fantastic. Not like, I think maybe from the 30 rock character or, you know, stories about him. Sure. Oh, he like disappears or whatever. But Tracy Morgan shows up and hits the mark. I love to hear about that. Yeah. I love to hear about that.

There is an audio tape of Tracy Morgan just taking over a sports talk radio show where it's maybe like 20 minutes long. Is this Fantasia can't read? I don't know. Someone was describing a thing, Trey, Racy Morgan did like that where he got on a radio show and started yelling. And this was when there was an American Idol contestant named Fantasia. Oh, I remember Fantasia. I remember him talking a lot about different Star Wars stuff and about who he would get pregnant.

Okay. Or has gotten pregnant. And it is one of the great, I haven't probably listened to it in 15 years. But I remember just having it on my desktop of my computers, an MP3-5. I love it. Just every once in a while, just give myself a little taste of it to make myself happy. I just think I'll never bring that much magic to the world in any field. I could go to medical school and then get a PhD and then cure cancer. And I would not be bringing as much joy to the world is Tracey Morgan in one appearance on a local sports talk radio show to promote a stand-up show for his act that he hasn't

written anything for. We all aspired to that level. That's the dream. What an incredible dream. Tracy Morganisms. We got some phone calls. We're going to listen to them. First, we got a momentous occasion.

Right, Gabe, you're going to play it. Hi, Jordan. Hi, I have Vigamor Morrison. I have a momentic occasion. I have found the will to continue moving on. Can you pause it for a second? I did this by. She.

She finally found the will. It was hidden in the old clock. I thought this was going there, too. I thought this was going to be like, we found my father's will, and I've inherited an estate. Hi, this is Nancy calling from Nancy Tru's house. Right. Is this somebody you regularly listen to? No, this is a first time caller, as far as we know.

Because it just sounded like there was a backstory here. The backstory is that you're Vigo Morton. Yeah. Sometimes our callers will take a guess at who the guest will be. sometimes it's realistic and sometimes it's, you know, something from their imagination. Hold on. This is pretty realistic. We're making an action film in Central Europe. Yeah, no, this is, that's what I mean. That was one of the realistic ones. And then sometimes they'll say something crazy like Chris Fairbanks.

Like obviously, obviously Jonathan isn't Vigo Mortensen. Jonathan is Dolph Lundgren. Right. But the point remains the same. Does Vigo do that kind of thing? Does he do the like just some, some Serbian guy gave me five million bucks and I'll sit behind a desk for two days in his movie. I think that's what Vigo Mortensen does, isn't it? I don't know. Yeah, I recently was on The Flop House for an episode coming soon, I think, or is out now. I don't know. And we watched one of John Travolta's those. Oh, he does a lot of those. Yeah, he sure does. Him and Arnold. Yeah, Arnold's kind of doing him now. Yeah. We used to be the domain of Nicholas Cage, who has now kind of gotten some of his respectability

back. Right. Anyway. Arnold is making those movies? I think so. Yeah, I think he'll show up and do something like that. What does he need? What does he need money for? For his mini horses. He has to feed all of his mini horses. And his illegitimate children. And his illegitimate mini horses. The fathered out of wedlock. They're half horse half Austrian. Right. This bastard horses. Okay. Anyway, we have this call here. What are we talking about? We're just talking about. Oh, yeah. You know, Dolf Lundgren dated Grace Jones. Yeah, sure. Good, go ahead. I found the will.

Beautiful couple to keep going. Continue moving on. I did this by coming up with a slogan this year. It's been very helpful. You guys did not make one, so I had to make one. My slogan is engorging. I have come to the terms. I will not be fully engorged this year under the circumstances.

I don't know how anyone could be. So I will be aiming to swell in small other ways, perhaps my brain or my muscles. And when the time comes that being fully engorged is possible, get some fucking done, I'll be ready and I'll be bigger and better than ever. Love you, bye.

Engorging, that's engorges. Chew. Bye, goodbye. Wait, can I ask you, when in that during listening to that, did you, were you sitting? on that. Like how long, how many seconds? Send my mail to myself.

Yeah, you know, a minute into it. I like the sentiment here. Okay. I could not follow it and it started to... I'm so glad you said that because I thought I was an idiot. This sounds like a letter for the cops that long legs were. It was here. If Jordan, Jesse, go, I gave you all the clues.

I gave you all the clues. I was like, what? Again, it feels like, There were many correspondences that I missed here. To be clear, I loved it, and it's the best call we've ever got. Yeah, it's incredible. I didn't exactly know what was going on. It was like sexually coded. Yes, yes, I like that about it.

There was like an admonishment in there. I'm going to bring you into the world of Jordan Jessica here to the extent that we haven't already. We're thrilled to have you here in our little living room. First of all, we like to have a slogan every year. Okay. second of all, the first week of this year, we forgot to announce a slow rate. We had some banked episodes. Yeah.

So we were a little late with the slogan. Okay. We do have a slogan for 2026, which is float the boat. Float the boat. Whatever floats the boat. Just float the boat. Just whatever you can do, float the boat. Okay.

Okay. Now, sometimes some people hear our slogans and they interpret them as being sexual in nature. I see. One of our most legendary slogans, hard as a rock, wet as a river, was about,

was about the majesty of nature. No, it wasn't. It was. It was about the majesty of nature. And just like connecting with the natural world. Uh-huh. And the totality of human potential.

Sure. Right. What was destroy the asshole about? That was about anal plowing. Oh. Okay. So in this case, she is suggesting engorgement, which some people would take sexually. Yeah.

I think in this case, she doesn't intend it to be sexual. No, not at all. She's really discussing, like, sort of aspiring to be the best we can be given the circumstance is what I'm hearing from her. And in this case, you know, the best we can be. and again, I don't mean this sexually, would be sort of like a half chub. Ah, I see. Or a chub, like kind of a... Right.

You got a chub on. Chub on. That could be it next year. Chub on and carry on. Make a parody poster. Keep chub and carry on. Yeah, so... I said that during the bombardment?

Is that what that's from? Yeah, I think that's right. I believe so. The bombardment with the trebushets. They were getting the home. I don't know. I don't know. Man, what do I look like a dictionary? You do, actually.

I mean, I'm not going to say you look like a dictionary. You look more like a dictionary than I do. You know what? Great point. More than Jonathan does. You're the dictionary and this motherfucker in here. Yeah. You know why?

Because you're thick. Sure. Because I'm thick. Like gilded pages. He doesn't mean that in a sexual way. No, none of this is sexual. In that case, I didn't mean it sexually. I was talking about his crank.

Wow. Jordan is a hefty crank. Okay. And how much hair is on there? We know. Zero. Zero. No.

Narco level. Okay. You got one of those slick smooth weeners? Right. Yes. Like a slick smooth. It's a seal. Okay.

Like a slim gym? Yes. Like a slim gym. A little oily. Like a slim gym gliding gracefully through the sea. Waiting to be eaten by turtle. Yes. Anyway, I think her point was that this is going to be a tough year for all of us.

and you might not be able to reach full tumessence. Right. So some engorgement is what she is shooting for. And I think that she in many ways has landed on kind of the theme of float the boat, which is like we're just trying to keep our heads above water right now. Just trying to float the boat. And, you know, Jordan, I loved your anal plowing one as well. Thank you.

Destroy the anus. Was that what it was? Destroy the asshole. Destroy the asshole. Thank you. I also like to destroy the asshole. People might see that as a cult arms. Well, I don't, I don't have any opinion. Yeah, we don't have any opinions about whether things are good.

Take up arms or don't. I don't care. By opposing end of them. Yes. The great William Shakespeare said that. In my opinion, the original rapper. Is that an opinion or is that just straight up facts? That's just the truth.

Or is that just black history? He was here to say. Happy black history. Happy black history of him. The first rapper. Yeah. My hat is like a shark's fan. I believe that was something he wrote.

It's from the Merry Wives of Windsor. Okay. Let's take another telephone call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Peter from Marblehead, Massachusetts. It's calling in for your beloved long-running segment. Help, I don't understand a personalized license plate. I'm sitting in traffic behind a car whose license plate reads,

F-L-A-M-L-Y. Flam-L-L-L-Y? Help. Love you guys. Love the show. Bye. F-L-A-L-M-Y. Is that correct?

Jordan, you wrote that down. I mailed it. I mailed it to myself. Flamly Flamly? Flamly? Flamly. F-L-A. So is that a, so I mean, I think a flam is like a scam.

Yeah. Or so is this like a, you know, is this person part of a. Like a flim flam? Yeah, family of flammers. Could this be Robert Redford? Might be. From the movie The Sting. Could be.

Wow. You think it's Paul Newman. I think it's Paul Newman. Come on. From the movie this thing. Right, yeah. I saw a license plate the other day that said Farts for You. Oh, I think I've seen.

I think Farts for You is a popular or local license plate. Farts for you. Do we know anything about the owner of Farts for you? Yeah, they love the fine arts. Sure. Fine arts for you. Flamly. Is this a Fast and Furious reference?

Jonathan's a ballet dancer. She knows about Farts. Yeah. She knows about the old Farts. Could be, yeah. Fast and Furious. of course, a film series about family.

And the links we go to protect it. Beautifully said. Thank you. Yeah. And the fine art is the original rapper. But yeah, I guess

what, yeah, I mean, if family is taken, you just say to the DMV person, I'll take flamly. Flamly. It's a compromise, right? They wanted it to be family. Maybe they asked for family,

but they have some sort of speech impediment. Could be. XS L. Yes. And then in that case, we would not laugh at them. No. We celebrate them. We celebrate them.

Oh, holy cow. I just got a letter. Oh, wow. Open it. Open it. It's from Woodrow Wilson. Wow. Whoa.

He says, Jordan, you're good. And then underneath in parentheses, it says, but I think I'm racist. I can't remember. Probably. I mean, presumably, given the era. Give it an era. Certainly by today's. I think he says, I think I'm even racist by my own, the standards of my own time, it says.

Woodrow Wilson. What is this? What is it? 1920 something? Yeah, talk about Woody Will. Mm-hmm. Early 1920s, I think. Was it before the Great Depression?

Did he enter into it? Before the Great Depression, he was, of course, he started the League of Nations, right? The League of Nations. The League of Nations. It's no board of peace, but it was still pretty good. Who could forget. Didn't have to pay a billion dollars to join. Right.

After the great tour. I'm thinking about joining the Board of Peace. Oh, yeah? Yeah, this is, you know, Donald Trump is starting his own United Nations called the Board of Peace. What do you think? Their application processes. Do you get like movie screeners?

That's what I'm hoping for. DVDs. I'm going to get DVDs in the mail. I got to see Hamnet. I know. They send out the, but they send out those DVDs where once you open it, it degrades in four days. Yeah.

Wow. That's the problem. So you've got to watch it right away. Way. Maybe mission impossibly. Called the divvicks or something. I can't remember. Something like that.

Some kind of name like that. Jonathan, what's that called divvix? Divv. I have no idea. What is that? Dibbik? Divik.

Or is that a Jewish demon? I think it is, yeah, I think it is some sort of Jewish monster. Okay. Flamley. Flamley. What is the top of Piscopalian monsters? How come they never taught us about any good monsters? monsters in my Sunday school.

Yeah, you know, modern, modern Christianity doesn't have enough like monsters. In Episcopalian Church, it doesn't even actually turn into the body and blood of Christ. What's the point? Bummer. Yeah. But are there beliefs in demons, no? Or no? I don't know.

So, you know, this is something, I went to church. Good job. Intermittently. Okay. Less of a good job. Until I was a team. and I worked at a church for a little while. Humble brag.

In a non-laturgical capacity. And I was moving chairs for early music concerts that they held in the church. Important work. But here's something that I don't really know, because I can't claim to have read the Bible. I kind of wonder how real are angels in the... If one presumes the Bible to be real, how real are angels, how real are devils, how real are demons? How real are demons? And when we say how real are they? Again, for presuming that the Bible is right. Are we asking, does the Bible talk about them? Because it does. There are angels in the Bible. For sure, angels in the Bible.

And they're just a bunch of eyes. There's angels in America, if you believe Tony Kushner. And I do. I believe in Tony. Believe Tony Cushner. The fact guys. Believe Tony Cushners. Believe Munich was a real movie. Did he write that? Yeah.

I think he did it. He were Lincoln, too. Lincoln. I think the Bible talks more about angels than they do about demons. Yeah. They definitely talk about the devil. I mean, they describe Lucifer at some point. Right.

And then obviously there's the snake in the Garden of Eden. I know I'm not supposed to mix fibers. That's correct. Yes. not supposed to mix fiber That's in the Bible I believe A bunch of eyeballs are going to come down Yes

And then there's that one And also women When they are menstruating Must leave the city They must leave the city And then there's that one that we read That one time That's about the young people

Who make fun of that bald guy And then a bear kills them all That's an incredible story I think that's in judges Judges has a lot of very fun wild stories Where bears are just going api Truly, yes.

It's like crazy things like that. Let's go around the horn. What's your favorite book of the Bible? You're a judge's guy. I'm a judge's guy. I'm not at all. It's all about judges. For me, it's got to react.

Oh, okay, because there's a lot of acts in there. I got to give it up for my man Solomon and his horny songs. You're a song of Solomon's guy. I'm a song of Solomon guy. That's fun. This is fun. Now listener. Now listener.

Please. call it. Yeah. And why? I know we have some, look, we got some pastors and shit that listen to our. Now, are they all Unitarian pastors? Almost certainly, yes. All our listeners are Unitarian pastors.

I grew up very Christian and I, so I do know actually a lot about the Bible and literally one of my, this is an X. Okay. Speaking of your favorite book. There's a, my favorite body spray. There's a part in X where. A couple stole from the, like, the church or the disciples. And I think it was Peter.

But I don't understand me is Peter stole from Mary to pay Paul. Is that correct? Yes. And so what I'm about to tell you is so messed up because of that. Okay. But Peter brings in them one at a time like any good cop would and checks their stories and says, did you rob us? And the guy's like, nope.

And then he goes, cool, because you lie, the Holy Spirit's going to strike you down dead. and the guy drops dead. And then they bring in, then they drag him off, and then they bring in the wife. And they're like, did you rob us? And she's like, nope.

And they were like, you see those men? Those men just dragged out your husband's body and they're about to drag out yours. And she drops down dead. And I think that's one of the coolest things that I've heard.

I remember reading that being like, that's pretty, that's one of the most epic lines I've ever heard. Like, if you put that at a movie and they're like, those guys just dragged out your husband's dead body and out they're about to drag out yours, you'd be like,

damn, sure. This movie's cold-blooded. Yeah. Liam Neeson would nail that. Liam Neeson. We need to see Liam. He says, Peter.

Those men are about these, those men just dragged out your husband. They're about to drag out you. My favorite story of them in Bible? Bremen Town musician. Yes. You're thinking of the donkey band? The donkey band. It's a donkey band.

Sorry, that's my favorite donkey band. Okay, 206, 984,45. Let us know what's your favorite book the Bible. Let us know whether demons are real. And our demons real. And then tell us what kind of real you mean. So I want to know, are demons real? And then I want to know what kind of real you mean. So a few examples. Yes, demons are real. I read about them in the Bible and I believe the Bible to be the truth. Okay. Yes, demons are real. It's, if you believe in the Bible, I myself do not believe in the Bible. Be another example. Yes, demons are real. I fought them. I killed them. I ate

Yeah, yeah, demons are real? I've eaten. I was married to one for 16 years. Oh, yeah. That even got the house and that even got the car. But she didn't get the boat. Always keep the boat. I live on the boat.

I brush my teeth with ocean water. My grip is starting to lose it. You're supposed to drink fresh water You're supposed to drink Listen, if you're out there If a demon took your house But my bitch ex-wife If you're living on a boat

Oh she left me with this salty water Drink fresh water Or at least filtered You piss Jokes on her I have a shark now All I drink is frozen squid Right

Yes This is a good show It's fine It's a good show People like it's very popular and everyone wants to give us awards. Mallard Fillmore to Drew his letter.

Well, really? On behalf of Millard Fillmore. Mallard Fillmore, the conservative comic strip character, Republican Duck. He heard from his friend. Millard Fillmore, former president during maybe the Gilded Age.

Truly? One of the last week. What do you think I am, Jamel Bowie? What do you think? I am Jamel Bowie. I'm not a dictionary. I look like Ken Jennings up there.

I don't have many hats. Past guests. Look at that. Both the past Jordan Jesse Go guests. Oh, wow. Both know a lot of presidents. They sure do. What's your favorite president, Jonathan?

Oh, buddy. I'm going to go with Taft. Taft. Yeah. We was around, our nation's around as president. He was. Our thickest boy. Was he the one who got stuck in a bathtub?

Stuck in a bathtub. I mean, what a cool story. It's a great story. Theodore Roosevelt, okay. Okay. So I said Taff was a roundest president. But Theodore Roosevelt, not round round. Right.

Also had two round glasses. That's true. One for each eye. Might he have been a roundest president? A wonderful question. I guess it's all a matter of perspective. Yes. Sorry.

What is real? I just realized who our roundest president was. Charles Barkley, the round mound of rebound. Right. Well, I don't think he was a U.S. president. I think he is president. Well, he defended America from Godzilla. Of course, famously. Famously. Famously.

Famously. Okay, let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessica. La La. La. La. La. La. Hey, Alexis. Hey, Ella. What animal has the most teeth?

I would guess a shark. A snail. No, snails don't have teeth. They have thousands, and they always. are freaky looking. No, I don't want that to be true. Okay. Did you know that the hippocampus in your brain is named after the half horse, half fish, sea creature found in Greek mythology? I didn't know that, but we're meant to be doing animal trivia and hippocampus isn't a real animal. Well, that doesn't matter on comfort creatures. You're right, it doesn't matter at all. Comfort creatures is a cozy show for lovers of

animals of all shapes and sizes, real and unreal. If that sounds like your cup of tea, then join us every Thursday for new episodes on maximum fun.org. Are you searching for meaning, connection, and a little levity these days? Hi, Uncle Melanjiani, actor, writer, and yes, a celebrity too. And I've got four words for you. Bullseye with Jesse Thorne. Are you tired of junkets? Red carpets?

Sick of the endless spicy snacks you have to eat? Do you want to connect with someone who gets your work and laugh with you a little? Join me, Andre 3,000, Tom Hanks, Tina Faye, many more and become a guest on Bullseye with Jesse Thorne from NPR and Maximum Fun. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Jonathan Braylock, knowledge of all thing, biblical. Yes. Okay, Jonathan. Our biblical correspondent. We're going to call you every time we have a Bible question. Please do. If you die, if you die, and you were good, you become an angel?

Unfortunately, that's a misnomer. Angels were created and then we're humans, we're souls. But we do go up to the place, the pearly gates. To live with them. To live with them. And they live there. Yes, but I believe they can travel freely from here, for our realm to theirs. Do they do the menial stuff up there?

Or do I have to do it? Like taking out of trash. Oh, I believe that stuff is not supposed to exist up there. Okay. You know? some sort of you're just kind of vibing out You're kind of vibing out

You're kind of vibing out You know who's taking out the trash up there Mr. John Wayne Yeah because he's already up there John Wayne Okay next question What now So my full name

A lot of our listeners already know Yeah My full name Jesse Michael Gabriel Thorne Oh wow Michael and Gabriel these are Arch angels Archangels A-R-C-H

Big time How much better than regular angels are do you have to be to be an archangel? That's a great question. I wish I knew the like, like, is there lieutenants, colonels, you know? They're all Kentucky colonels.

But very few angels get name dropped in the Bible. Yeah. It's like, it's only like them, Lucifer. I don't even know if there's another one. Can I tell you something about Kentucky colonels? Sure. So I, many years ago, I complained on the program that I was not a Kentucky colonel. two listeners, one of whom was a Kentucky colonel,

so they were going to nominate me to be a Kentucky colonel. Then recently on the program, it came up that I was pretty sure I wasn't a Kentucky colonel still, that they had failed me. One of them got in touch and said, no, no, we didn't fail you. You should be a Kentucky colonel now. Okay. I type back on the track. I take my name into the list.

Guess what's not there? Your name. Yeah, you got it. You guessed it in one, Jordan. Well, what's the holdup? Why isn't this happening? I'm probably my lack of racism yes Thank you yes

I don't want to say it But yeah That's a good point Yeah I think it's probably my lack of good works You've always kind of guess I'll get on it I mean I started a podcasting company

Sure I brought the world the McElroy brothers Is that not enough for you people I guess not I'm friends with Dave and Graham Sure From stop podcasting yourself You could start like

I don't know Bathing people Yeah I'm just like prostitutes I washed just what Jesus did. He's washing people like crazy in there. Yeah, dunk a little dunking under the river. It's been a minute since I've read the Bible.

That guy's always washing people. He's washing their feet? Washing the feet. The stinkiest part of the man, some say. Some say. Some say, but yeah. Some say, I think those people are foolish. Some say mouth.

Their butt holes probably haven't been destroyed yet. That's true. Yes. Destroying the asshole is a fake slogan. I said that we never really used, but thought. it would be fun to say. Jonathan, tell us about your podcast.

Oh, yes. Well, we do. It's a movie podcast and we review the films of black actors and we talk about them the context of race

and diversity in Hollywood. But we've been doing that for quite some time as well, not as long as you guys, but we have been doing it for over a decade now. Spanning several podcasts. Spending several podcast networks.

But it's really fun. Yeah, we just talk about, we talk about movies and, you know, talk about race a little bit here and there. But also just having fun. You know, we're all comedians. And so it's like, it's more lighthearted than it sounds, I think.

Though every now and then. You really get it. Every now and then we get into it. But let's get into it. You already did Wesley Snipes or? We've done several Wesley Snipes films, I believe. We've done like Passenger 57. That's a good Snipes.

Yeah. Do you have a top Snipes? I mean, I think like the pinnacle of Snipes is Blade. Sure. And it is really good. It is really good. It's great. I watched it again recently. But it's murder. It's murder. It's 1600, but go ahead. Oh, that's another one. It's nice. Okay. Yeah. That is good. No blood rave, but, you know,

he's fantastic in Demolition Man. Yeah. I also thought he was really funny, even though he is a like, because he's not the lead, but in Eddie Murphy's film, uh, uh, uh, Dolomite is my name. Oh, I haven't seen that. He has a little comedy part in coming to America too, right? He does. And that was one. where I'm like, ah, fuck, Snipes is funny in this. Yeah.

And he was funny in the, in his little Derrido Wolverine cameo. Oh, yeah, he was funny in that. He's an insane person? I think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I believe so. I support it. Sure. I believe, I believe, I don't think, like, I don't think he's doing anything criminal out there.

Yeah, well, he didn't pay, he was, he was famously he didn't pay taxes. But, let's be honest, I bet a lot of people didn't pay taxes.

You know what? You're right? And they didn't get caught. He just got caught. He believed he had a right to not pay taxes because of the Constitution. Yes. So that was just a misunderstanding. Right.

Right. He's got some bad. Interesting take. He was sort of like those guys that occupied that Forest Ranger Station in Oregon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a snafu. He's like the karate version of that. Sure.

Demolition Man is a favorite of mine because while I have never seen the movie Demolition Man, I did have a mini poster of the movie Demolition Man that I got at a Burger King or Taco Bell at some point. And my aunt's brother was Wesley Snipes hairdresser. Amazing. And like traveled with him. Uh-huh. And we would joke together that Demolition Man was a very important film in his career because it was the only film in which he had a haircut. Amazing.

Everything else was just sort of like a regular fade. Right. Nothing. I mean, there were times when it got taller, a little, or lower. But no, yeah. Demolition Man, it was doing a lot. It was doing a lot. That was the kind of situation where you want to have a guy travel with you to fix it every day.

If you got to have your picture taken for mini posters. Oh, absolutely. You're going to want to look good on that mini poster. I don't want to look good on that mini poster. What's the most interesting film that you've seen for the podcast lately? Ooh, lately. And we're using the expansive definition. We have to use the expansive definition.

Unfortunately, we watch, sadly, a lot of bad movies. I mean, we saw, I mean, we actually, we've, we've, we've watched a lot of the Oscar nominated films this year because, uh, sometimes we take liberties of what, what elite, what the lead is. But we've like, was reviewed sinners, of course, an incredible film. Dude, sinners is like seven incredible films. Yeah, it's true. On top of each. I know. It's, it's, it's pretty wild what he was able to do. His bananas. Um, and then one battle after another we reviewed. We reviewed, uh, another movie with, uh, another movie with, seven movies pile of

sure sure absolutely a lot of movies it's a good value didn't know I think that's why those were such hits is like this is a good value for my absolutely

film going dollar yeah didn't know that this movie was going to be nominated for best picture but it was F1 the movie okay I have not seen F1 was nominated

for best picture I've not looked at the literally nominated for best picture one of the 10 Brad Pitt and Brad Pitt's African American is that correct exactly

his co-star is Elon Musk's style It counts. Did you watch the movie F1? We did, yeah. Because it's like, it's about him. And then like he's like the older racer, but his teammate is a black.

Is he British? I think he is British. Yeah. A black Brit. Is it Prince Charles? No. I don't know if we can call Prince Charles Black. I don't know if we can.

He is, but I don't know if we can call. We. That's a good one. That's for him. And also, your identity is a personal thing. Is he Welsh? If he's the Prince of Wales, does that make him Welsh? Oh, that's a great.

It's all great questions. I don't know. You've got to listen to the podcast to find out. Here's the thing about F1. I didn't see any previews for F1. Sure. I just saw the poster that said F1 really big. Yeah.

And then some posters where Brad Pitt is standing there looking handsome. And that's all you need. And you know what? I found myself wanting to go see F1. They found, they like found the little like Jesse wants to see a sequel to Master and Commander Far Side of the World size hole in me, stuck their fingers in, grabbed and pulled. Like they knew where the dad spots, the soft dad spots on me were, which apparently was Brad Pitt standing next to a race car. I don't even care about race cars. Why do what, why did I? I don't even like Brad Pitt.

This is the thing I find fascinating. I don't think I've ever watched an actual NASCAR or any of those, any race car like event ever in my life. They're boring. And yet every time a race car movie comes out, I see it. I think there's an element of like they don't, they just don't make a ton of those movies anymore. Right.

And if they made one, it's probably pretty good. Like they don't like crank those out in a way that they, like there's, like if you're making a sports movie with a big star, it's probably pretty well made. Right. I think that I've also noticed that the Academy loves race car movies. They actually do. Like Ford versus Ferrari was a big one in that, I mean, the Thunder. I fucking loved Ford versus Ferrari.

It was not great. It was only good. But I didn't, that is what, if you're going to say, Jesse, let's go see a movie that's not great. It's only good. Right. Ford versus Ferrari. All day long.

Yeah. Loved it. Yeah. Loved it. Damson Idris is the, is the black co-star. Okay. Damson. Damson Idris.

And I, yeah, D-A-M-S-O-N. I believe that's how you pronounce it. He was good. He was good. What's he, the car? Probably a guy. Probably a guy. I only saw Brad Pitt there in the picture.

Brad Pitt is a talking car. Brad, we got to get out of here. Dude, that would be so odd. Brad Pitt plays the car but doesn't do his own voice. Yeah. Okay. Was her. Yes.

Yeah. Instead of talking. Wait, so sorry. Brad Pitt is a human actor in the film. Correct. But Damson, what Idris plays his voice? Well, I mean, I think we, our buddy Steve Agee, did the motion capture for King Shark. Yeah, that's true.

And then Sylvester Stallone came in and did the voice. So I think it was that. Like, Brad's physicality was so important. Right. And, you know, like, you know, like, you know, Brad, Brad could be on set. Was Dampson-Indris Insufficiently sensual? Is that why they had Brad Pitt

Come in and do the moatown? I believe that's why. Also, you know, broader appeal. That's their way of saying, uh, no offense, but like we need a white star. Yeah.

Yeah, that's fair. You can have a lot of lines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can have a lot of lines. You can have a lot of lines. We'll find a babe for you to talk to. You can talk to a babe. Brad Pitt's pretty old.

You can talk to a babe. He's still looking pretty good. I saw this. looking great. You guys see this movie where Brad Pitt and George Clooney are walking around in suits at night? Nights. What's up the wolves? Wulfs.

Wolves. Wolves. You're right. Because they're lone, each of them is a lone wolf. Not wolves. It's wolves. Yeah,

because each of them, because they're each their own thing. Yeah, they're each their own thing. It's fun. They're having fun with language. Sounds like fun. God.

You know? Guys, speaking is a 40, four-year-old straight guy. You want to watch. a B-plus movie this year. If you make, if you watch only one B-plus movie this year, make it Wolfe's. Oh, Wolfe's what a joy it was to watch that pretty good movie. This is how I felt about air. Oh, tell me about air. Air. Air, that was the, that was the

Ben Affleck. Was this the story of Nike? The invention of the Nike Air Jordan? Literally, yes. That maybe was made by Cameron Crow somehow. I think that's right. Yeah. And Chris, uh, yeah, Chris Tucker is. randomly end it? Yeah. You're talking about UN global ambassador. Chris Tucker kind of comes out of retirement a couple times every couple of years and makes something.

Literally this is correct. Is he maybe in the Epstein files, Chris Tucker? I don't know. There's a dark side to Chris Tucker. I need to, by the way, I need to figure out who was on these Epstein files. I feel like they came out of people talking about it. I'm like, I need to figure out who's on these Epstein files. Listeners, if you're out there.

Stephen Hawking's in the Epstein files a lot, I think. Listeners, if you're out there, we're busy. We haven't had a chance to comb through the Epstein files. Yeah, sorry. If we mentioned someone who's in the files, it says Mallard. It says you're Mallard Fillmore. He was on that. He was on that Island every weekend.

Yeah, Mallard Fillmore at a little apartment. And Pogo? Yeah. Goodness. Mellor and Pogo. And Dilbert did one of those things where he was emailing Epstein but like never got to go. Right. He was like, who was the orgy?

Wasn't picked to go. Yeah. Kept canceling on fucking Dilbert. Okay. Jonathan, it's been a delight. It's been a joy to meet you. Thank you so much for coming on the program. Thank you for having me.

We wish you all the best of luck with all the podcast networks. Oh my God. No matter what they made. Thank you. Be the I-heart radio. Yes. My favorite. Exactly right.

Smartless. Oh, many greats. Great. So many wonderful. Are they their own podcasting network now too? Probably. Oh, no, they're a wireless network. Okay.

No, no, that's Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds. I think smartless is also a wireless network. Oh, really? And I think so. Incredible. Yeah. I love when people who have a lot of money make more money.

It's good. Yeah. I think it's healthy for the world. They should be the actors in commercials. Yeah, they should. Gabe Mara is on the boards. Thank you, Gabe. Jordan Cowling is our producer and editor.

Our theme music is Love You by the free design, courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records. Our thanks to them. And you can join us on social medias. Why not? Jesse Thorne very famous. Jordan David Morris on Instagram. Jordan Jesse Go pod on Instagram.

We're Jordan Jesse Go on blue sky. Jesse Thorne on blue sky. Jordan Morris. Get at me. Bruce on blue sky. Bloop, bloop. And we will talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse go. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you.

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