Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Tossed Salad and Frasier Quiz, with Emily Heller

Episode Date: September 7, 2023

Comedian and host of Baby Geniuses Emily Heller is back on the pod talking about her time at UC Santa Cruz, going to an egg ranch, and Jordan conducts a Frasier quiz.Come see Jordan, Jesse, Go! live at the London Podcast Festival in London, England at on September 14th. Buy tickets now at MaximumFun.org/events.Go check out all of the delicious options at Nuts.com/jjgo. You’ll receive a free gift and free shipping when you spend $29 or more!Go to ZipRecruiter.com/JJGO to try ZipRecruiter FOR FREE!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I am starting to have doubts, Jordan, about what I call the app economy. what I call the app economy. Okay. I mean, I think it's going great, the app economy. We've got a lot of freedom to pursue our many interests.

We don't have health insurance getting in the way. We're not spending all our time in a doctor's office. We're out there hustling. You know, first and foremost, if I'm anything, I'm a techno utopian. Sure, yeah. And I really believed in my heart that the app economy was not just helping America dominate the other nations of the world, but also helping all of us have better lives. But something really shook my, sort of my confidence in it the other day. Okay.

I'm going to paint you a picture. I'm maybe 35% of the way through my dinner. I love paintings. What are we talking about? Oils, acrylics, watercolors? What do you got? Bring them on. More, please.

I'm going to do oils. So I'm maybe 35% of the way through my dinner. It's a good dinner, but dinner's not what's on my mind, Jordan. You can guess what's on my mind. It's pie. Okay. This whole time. There's pie in the fridge or cooling on the windowsill.

Where's this pie? So this is the problem. I don't have a fucking pie. There's no pie in my entire house. And I'm not going to go and make a pie. Right. But all I can think about, I mean, I'm eating a nice spinach salad. Nice summer tomatoes, the whole nine yards.

Sure. All my little pea brain can think about is pie, pie, pie, pie, pie. Now, do you know how that thought got there? Did you see some sort of pie commercial, drive-by-a-pie billboard? I think I had just been having a hard day. You know, this is what it is, I think. I knew I had some vanilla ice cream, but I only had vanilla and i wanted something

special and then i had the idea well what if i put the ice cream on some pie you know how that you know that could happen sure you're just thinking for a lot of little something extra right you didn't want to just have a scoop of vanilla ice cream no and i had had a very hard day any magic shell no i didn't have any fucking magic shell all i had i did have some ghirardelli uh caramel sauce okay well but it's only okay the ghirardelli brand is sauces sauce is not pie yeah there's one thing i know sauce is not pie and like let's be honest what would be better than a slice of apple pie with the vanilla ice cream and the fucking caramel sauce? Sorry, just pause. Do you think this sauce is not pie catchphrase is going to catch on?

I'm really trying, man. I got to get something going. This half economy I love so much is killing me. I know. So I decided, this is what I decided. This is the 21st century. The year is 2023. Here I am, a white-collar professional with a smartphone.

I'm going to open my phone and fuck it. I'm going to pay someone $6.75 to bring me pie. Plus cost of pie. Plus pie costs. I mean, that's their baseline. Yeah. Plus cost of pie. Plus pie cost. Yes. I mean, that's your baseline. Yeah. And of course you've got convenience fees. Convenience fees, yeah.

Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, a lot of hidden charges on those things. But I'm thinking- Unless they are sponsoring this episode, when in that case, there's not. Normally this is not the kind of thing I would do, but I thought, well, here I am a techno utopian. I'm going to order some fucking pies.

I go on my phone. I'm looking for the right pie. First, I've typed in pie. First off, first thing that comes through is vegan soft serve pie. Oh, boy. That's not what I – look, if that's your thing, I'm not going to harsh your mellow. Just don't shove it in my face. Just don't make it the number one choice when I type pie into the app.

Anyway, there's no pie. What was the second choice? There's no pie places. There's no pie places. You'd think, for example, Pie and Burger of Pasadena would be on there. There's no pie places on there. Do they not deliver? They just are not in that app.

I don't know. So there's a cheeseburger restaurant not all that far from my house. I've eaten at this restaurant. I've eaten at cheeseburgers. They're tremendous. I'm not afraid to say it. They're not a sponsor of the episode. It's called Gold Burger.

These are great. Oh, yeah, sure. I've had those. Those are really good. Great cheeseburgers. This is one of those restaurants that only has four things on the menu. Sure. You know what I mean? So I'm like, they got pie really good. Great cheeseburgers. This is one of those restaurants that only has four things on the menu. Sure. You know what I mean?

So I'm like, they got pie on this menu. Okay. Okay. It was a berry pie. I want to say maybe it was a Marion berry pie or something like that. All right. Some kind of summer berry pie. Sure.

And I'm thinking, if there's two desserts on the menu and one of them's pie, this pie is going to be great, just like the cheeseburgers are great because the only food they serve is cheeseburgers. So I ordered, they also had cheesecake. I asked my wife if she would like pie or cheesecake. She said, take your pick. I saw my three children. I said, they're going to get mad at me if I don't order pie for them. So I ordered three slices of pie

and one slice of cheesecake all in this is a at some balloons to a $30 expense sure overall

but you know what it's worth it because I treat yourself yeah like I deserve it you have to it's so important self-care

hashtag self-care and so anyway therapy Pisces crystals important. Self-care. Hashtag self-care. So anyway. Therapy. Pisces. Crystals. Jesse. The pie comes. And I'm excited about this pie.

Because I've been waiting. I've been thinking about pie since fucking 30% into my dinner. Now this is 30 minutes after my dinner. This pie comes. I warm it up a little bit i put ice cream on it i'm eating this pie this pie sucked ass it was a shitty pie fucking horse shit garbage pie it sucked what was that it was dry it was like a fucking brick it was not there was no the texture was brick like yeah it's not it was like a fucking brick. It was not, there was no, the texture was brick-like. Yeah, that's not what you want.

You want a flaky texture. It was fucking, I'm talking about the filling was like a brick. How was the cheesecake? It had no juiciness to it at all. My wife had the cheesecake. Teresa had the cheesecake. I don't think she had any concerns. Cheesecakes are pretty safe dessert.

Yeah. I don't really like cheesecake, so I didn't order that, I ordered the pie because I was sort of looking for pie Anyway, I'm Sorry dude, that's a bummer You want to just call off the podcast, like for good? And never do it again? I do, not related to the pie

Yeah Just kind of creatively, we need a wall and probably should be talking about something at this point. At some point, we should have figured out a premise for the show. Yeah, yeah, sure. I don't know. Watch an old Baywatch.

I don't know. Yeah, something. Episode by episode. Interesting Wikipedia article every week. Yeah. Ooh, that's good. That's good. Martha Stewart's ponies.

Yeah. I explain a historical something to you. I don't know. Yeah. I explain a historical something to you. I don't know. Our guest on the program is one of the brilliant hosts of the wonderful and hilarious comedy podcast Baby Geniuses. She's also a show business writer on Strike. Emily Heller. Hi, Emily. Hello. And a brilliant stand-up comic as well.

Oh, it's been a while. And she has a highly collectible vintage cat T-shirt on. That's true. I had to scroll for a while. And she has a highly collectible vintage cat t-shirt on. That's true. I had to scroll for a while on eBay for this one. What is the name of that kind of cat t-shirt? Is that a kind of cat t-shirt? I think it's a Laurel Birch. Wait.

No, this might be a Cle... No, yeah, this is a Laurel Birch, but the Cleabon cat ones are also highly prized. All of the t-shirts that a spinster aunt would buy in 1993 or 1991 with not specifically Kathy content, but culturally adjacent to Kathy content. Life is just a chair of bullies. Yeah. Everything in the sort of same sort of cultural breakfast nook. Yes. The sort of Mary Englebright kind of. Is among the most sought after.

Oh, yeah. This and NASCAR jackets. These are the things we're bringing with us. People still like those Bass Pro Shop hats? Yeah, people still wearing those Bass Pro Shop hats for sure. Interesting. Yeah. So tell me about your connection to these.

Did you have these as a middle schooler or however old you were at the time? No, I don't know why I was like, I want to get a shirt with the cats on it. I think I just saw someone else with one and I was like, oh yeah, that's just another search term to plug into eBay when I'm going through my three hour endless scrolls when I forget what I was actually looking for. These cats are highly graphic,

they're geometric, and they're wearing bow ties. Yeah, they're pretty good. Yeah, I started- You forgot one thing, they're pretty good. They're looking good. They're pretty good. Yeah, I started- You forgot one thing, Jesse. DTF. Yeah. You bet they are.

The vibes are powerful. I started like- We saw you from across the room. Can we buy you a drink? Say the cats. I started looking for more shirts on eBay when I remembered that I can. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And that's pretty dangerous. Because you're both on strike and successful in show business. It's been a couple years. I should do less of it now that I'm on strike. But when I was just like, you know, had money coming in and I remembered eBay existed, I was like, oh, right. You can only spend so much money on growing cucumbers. You'd be surprised how much you can spend on that, actually.

Yeah. Because you brought cucumbers. Yeah. I am trying to get rid of these cucumbers. I asked if you had a tree. You said yes and didn't correct me. I learned later that they grow on a vine. a tree you said yes and didn't correct me i learned later that they grow on a vine okay so i both emily and i believed that was a bit but then matt also believed that emily that that i was confirming on trees confirming effect yeah so it was a sort of a 50 50 split matt and i aren't farm guys i mean we're city kids we're playing in fire hydrants. You guys both know. We're as in the constable. Cucumbers grow in Safeway. Yeah, thank you.

You guys are both sweaty farm boys. I was talking about them like they were really abundant, which is something you do for things that grow on trees. When you're like, you know, it doesn't grow on trees. I'm like, these things are growing on trees over here. See, I'm not dumb. Yeah. I'm normal. You're normal. I'm a normal man who's not dumb. Yeah.

Anyway, yeah, you're normal. Thank you for taking some of those cucumbers. I'm normal. You're normal. I'm a normal man who's not dumb. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, you're normal. Yep. Thank you for taking some of those cucumbers. I'm glad to. And, you know, I might make some quick pickles. Ooh, yeah. Maybe I should start doing that. Look, there's a lot of stuff I could do with them that I'm just simply not.

You could make long pickles if you wanted to. You could play the long pickle game. I'm not going to get involved in – this is where I draw the line with regard to pickling. Yeah. Sterilizing a jar. I'm not going to sterilize any – I'm not going to get one of those – you know those kind of like forceps for jars? Oh, yeah. Those like big scissors that don't cut that you just – yeah.

And they just clamp onto the jar so that you can lower the jar in and out of the boiling water to... I got a little got a little satchel of herbs to make my own absinthe. You pick your liquor, you soak it in the herb

bag for 30 days and then you have yourself some absinthe or something. I thought that would be fun. Yeah, our friend Dave Shumka from Stop Podcasting Yourself is all about soaking things in liquor. And every year he

dedicates himself to putting things in jugs with vodka to make the vodka into something else. I have had this herb sack for almost a year now and I haven't done it because I need to sterilize the fucking jar. I have the jar. I have had this herb sack for almost a year now and I haven't done it because I need to sterilize the fucking jar. I have the jar.

I just, I won't do it. I don't know why I won't do it. When I, when the news broke about the restaurant squirrel. Ah, yes. Would you remember this?

This is the, this is, squirrel is like a, like a kind of a foodie wait in line for jam place. Yes. It's a great place to like catch a kind of a foodie wait in line for jam place. Yes. It's a great place to like catch a glimpse of Ryan Gosling. It's like an expensive toast restaurant in a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood of Los Angeles.

Okay. When you said restaurant squirrel, I thought pizza rat. I thought it was that kind of situation. New York has pizza rat. LA has restaurant squirrel. LA has restaurant squirrel. Chicago has bagel Pigeon. A lot of great food vermin out there.

And someday they will fight. But the thing the squirrel prides themselves on is their jam. Right. But then some leaked photos came out and the jam was covered in mold. Covered in mold. And they were apparently regularly scraping the mold off the top and then still serving the jam to Ryan Gosling.

And when that story broke, my main thought was like, I must never make jam because I'm going to do something wrong that they are doing wrong. You know what I mean? Like, it was a there but for the grace of God go I. So I'm like, I'm not trying the pickles. I'm not doing anything that requires.

I tried to make hot sauce a couple years ago and a lot of ants got in there. Oh, no. And I don't know because it was so hot in there. Well, if they're fire ants, It adds a little spice, right? Well, they got into the water that I was using to sort of weigh down while it was fermenting and they were just like, oh, cool

water. We really want that right now because it's summertime. It really is funny that in the great city of Los Angeles, ants are just thirsty. They really are. They're just like, can I just, like you think you have to like. We see the DMs these guys are sending me.

You think you have to like spill your Kool-Aid to get ants to come into your house, but they're just thirsty. They just find your faucet one day. Or it rains outside and then they're like, oh, it's like suddenly you don't want the water anymore. Yeah. Interesting. Agreed completely. Cat treats. If you have a slightly the water anymore. Yeah. Interesting. Agreed completely. Cat treats.

If you have a slightly not airtight package of cat treats, that's a fun way to get ants. That's how. Ways you get ants here in the great city of Los Angeles, California. Hey, this is fun. I saw producer Matt Lieb earlier today. We're both doing some bits for our buddies over there at Good Mythical Morning. And he brought up the fact that everyone in this room,

Jesse, you, you, Emily, me, and Matt all went to the same college. We all went to college together. We all went to college together. Do you guys want to reminisce? We didn't really spend any time together. No, there to reminisce uh we didn't really spend any time together no there

was a time there was that time that we did mushrooms and looked at the meteor shower and i said i didn't think god was a guy with a white beard but he was an energy and he's in us all and maybe it's not even a he remember did you guys climb tree nine I was too scared. No, I'm scared to climb trees. It's scary. It's so far off. Yeah. To climb this tree in our camp at dawn. Did you do it? No. Do you think anyone did it? I don't know.

Because if none of us did it. I didn't do anything. No, there were crunchy fuckers there who were up that tree 24-7. I hacked no sacks. Not a sack. I didn't run around with my dick out when it rained. Yeah. I didn't do any of the things.

Did you guys ever go to the Glam Egg Ranch? What's that? Was this just a me and my friends kind of thing that we got into? This was a fertility facility. There was this egg ranch in, I want to say, Aptos, called the Glam Egg Ranch. And you could go there. They had an egg vending machine. egg ranch in, I want to say Aptos, called the Glam Egg Ranch. And you could go there. They had an egg vending machine.

Cool. Where if you put in, I think it was $5 at the time, a curtain would rise behind a glass window and a bunch of stuffed animal chickens that were rigged up to this display would start singing and dancing. Wow. This like sort of chickeny like. No, I'm familiar with the song and dance because they have one here in Los Angeles at a family farm that I visited.

They have the same thing? Okay. So yeah, they would do that and then the curtain would come down and then a flat of 18 eggs would come out. See, now that's the thing. At the fucking family farm there in whatever, in Santa Clarita or whatever the fuck, I didn't get any eggs out of it. You didn't get any eggs out of it? I just had to watch a creepy robot chicken show.

Is it suggesting that it's some sort of peep show? Is that the joke? Is that you're peeping on the chickens? Or maybe Farmer Glam went to a peep show and was like, I've got a better idea. Get these human women out of here.

Ew, yuck. You say you think it was in Aptos. Is it possible that it was in a place in France? Sure. At first I think there's a hole in the wall there, right? You can see it all, I think.

I've heard that. No, I'm pretty sure it was in Aptos. I remembered it recently because... The France of Northern California. My phone was running out of storage and I ran a program on it to like find all the big files and like one of my biggest files was a video I had taken of the full chicken dance and I was like I can't decide if I should delete this or not it was a really tough call and I ultimately decided to crop the video down to about 30 seconds and then did not delete it. I sing a couple songs on the show, and I was looking to find a singing teacher who could also help me with my ukulele playing, which is also very bad, for some lessons before I hit the road.

I'm like, if I can get four lessons in, I bet I could get somewhere. and I went on Google and I found this guy who's not very far from my house, and I looked at his thing, and he won, like, Best Music Student of UC Santa Cruz or whatever. And I'm like, well, I went to UC Santa Cruz, so I'm going to fucking sign up for this shit. And he's a very nice man, and needless to say, he does not wear shoes while he's teaching you things. You don't say.

You're not qualified for that award if you wear shoes. So, you know, he's a very sweet man. He's helped me sort of with finger picking that I didn't know how to do. And he has a list of the different chakras and what they do glued to his computer monitor. Very nice fella. You're going to want to have that information already. Yeah. And I told him, hi, I saw in your bio that you went to Santa Cruz.

And he said, oh, did you go to Santa Cruz? I said, yeah. I actually started my career at KCSC. And he said, all right. I'm like, wow. Didn't want to connect at all. That's wild. No desire to connect.

And I'm like, hey, that's how I feel about Santa Cruz, but I made the effort. And also it's like, if I'm wearing shoes and you're not, and I bring up Santa Cruz, you're supposed to want to talk about it more than I do. Exactly. Exactamundo. That's the rules. Does he even have a mystery spot bumper sticker on his Volvo that he got from his friend?

Do you think maybe he was lying, and that's why he didn't want to talk about it? Oh, he didn't want to get caught. I don't know why, as soon as you started telling that story, I was like, this guy didn't really go to Santa Cruz. Like, if I had said, like, he was worried that I would say to him, like, so, what do you started telling that story i was like this guy didn't really go to santa cruz like if i had said like he was worried that i would say to him like so what do you think about that uh spaceman on the sky tram at the santa cruz beach boardwalk and he would be like oh yeah i love the spaceman and i'd be like ha ha it's a caveman uh-huh but that shit happens to him all the time i'm calling

my contacts at the better Business Bureau. Yeah. Hey, speaking of singing, I have a segment prepared that has a musical intro. Holy shit. Really? Emily, last time you were here, we talked about some particularly crazy episodes of

Frasier. I'm sure we did. I have no memory of that, but it's an incredibly believable story. Sure. Yeah. It checks out. Just as a man with no shoes will teach you the ukulele. It makes sense because whenever Frazier comes up, you enter a fugue story. Yeah. You're like a Frazier savant. Your eyes roll back in your head. Right. Yeah. And then I'm like, oh, how long was I out for? You wake up a week later and you're in New Mexico.

You have a job as a fry cook. What happened? So I thought it'd be fun to, you know, do some stuff like that again. Okay. So I have prepared a quiz for the two of you to compete in. Okay. Here's what I'm going to be doing. I'm going to be of you to compete in. Okay. Well, here's what I'm going to be doing. I'm going to be

presenting you three episode descriptions. One of them is a real Frasier episode. You'll have to guess which one. Emily, you're a super fan. Jesse, I think you probably haven't watched much of the show. Maybe even don't like the show, right? No, I don't dislike it. I just don't

think I've watched more than... In fact, I don't know if I've watched a whole episode since it stopped being on television. That's just so weird to me. And I think when it was on television, I resented it for not being news radio. Sure. Enjoy it, to be clear. But you know how it would win every Emmy for everything every single year? I think I always felt like it did that because it was about fancy stuff, even though it was pretty regular, actually. You're right.

And so I sort of resented its success in that way. But it is definitely a good show. Emily has a leg up here. So, Jesse, I'm going to give you a little weapon in this. Okay. I mean, Daphne, Niles. These are characters from the show. Glad you mentioned Niles.

Yeah. You're lifeline in this at any point. At any point. No matter what's going on, you can phone Niles. Oh, really? You can phone Niles. Okay. He's on the line. He's waiting for your phone niles okay he's on the line he's waiting for your call he's on the line he's ready to go whenever do you have okay do you have patched in yeah yeah he's okay yeah so don't you don't need to get him now but at some point if you're having

a hard time you can phone niles emily did you know that one time i saw a dog show run by the man who trained eddie really yeah it was fucking great it was one of the best things i've ever seen in my dog show run by the man who trained Eddie. Really? Yeah, it was fucking great. It was one of the best things I've ever seen in my life. Oh, man, I bet it was really good. Al Madrigal booked it on a fucking comedy show, and I'm like, why is there a dog act on this show that you're doing, Al? And he's like, just wait.

I'm fucking, one of the best things I've ever seen in my life. I mean, I'm sure. They were all mutts. They were all rescue mutts. So if you guys are ready, Matt, hit that theme music. I'm going to play left-handed Jesse. Hey baby, I hear the blues are calling

Toss Allen and Frazier Quiz. Oh, and maybe I seem a bit confused because I've only ever seen Cheers. Superior show. But I don't know what to do without Toss Allen and Frasier. Quiz with David I. Pierce. The star of Frasier. Frasier has quizzed the building.

That's a great above and beyond. It's a a great quiz song. Above and beyond. It's a really good quiz song. You're finally using my skill set. Quiz will not be that entertaining. I have watched a lot of Cheers. Okay. So I'll bring that knowledge to bear. If there's any Harry Anderson questions, I'm ready.

There's a lot of continuity errors between Cheers and Frasier, so that might actually work against you in this. Okay. Emily, we'll start with you just so we can see how the game is played. Okay. Okay, I'm going to give you three episode scenarios. You'll have to tell me which one was a real episode of Frasier. Okay.

Beat Me in St. Louis. Frasier decides to take a self-defense class, but is mistaken for the instructor because of his face-covering protective gear. He goes along with it to impress a beautiful member of the class, guest star Denise Richards. After securing a date with her, he begs his father to use his police contacts to

hire a street tough to mug them and to take a dive when Frazier hits him. Frazier approaches the wrong hooligan and ends up being hit in the crotch with nunchucks. Let me read all of these. Wait till the end. I worked hard on these, so just let me read them. All right.

Wasn't Denise Richards married to Bobcat Goldthwait? I think she was. Hmm. I don't think so. I don't think so either. Different person. Both very, they're both very tough. Charlie Sheen is who you're thinking of.

Yeah, I'm thinking of Charlie Sheen. Was married to Denise Richards? Yes. Who is Bobcat Goldthwait married to? I don't know. I'm pretty sure not Denise Richards, though. An affair to forget. Niles becomes worried that Maris is cheating on him with her fencing instructor, Gunner.

Maris cannot clear this up because she is in a sensory deprivation tank. This leads Niles to have a sword fight with Gunner, during which he swings on a chandelier. Ringing up baby. A bad cell phone connection leads Fraser to think the woman he's dating wants to go to a parenting class together.

He arrives at the agreed upon place to find that it's actually an adult baby convention. He plays along and agrees to enter a competition where adult babies all see who can fill their diaper with pee the fastest. His father and his cop buddies happen to be working security at the event and pelt him with pretzels while he makes wee-wee in his tie-dye. Again, that's Beat Me in St. Louis, An Affair that looking up the words Frasier diaper will yield the results that you would expect, which is a screenshot of Frasier wearing a diaper and a baby's bonnet. The real episode is an affair to forget. You are right.

As you might have been able to tell from me not laughing at that one, but laughing at the other two. Yes, there was actually an episode where... Yeah, we like to call that... What the fuck is this? We call that Baby Fuesio in our house. What the fuck? That's from an actually very, very good episode in season 11 that not a lot of people have seen because a lot of people check out before season 11.

It's him and Laurie Metcalf. It's the culmination of a pretty elaborate farce. I assumed that was going to be weird fan art, but that is a clip from the show. No, that's a clip from the show, yeah. Jesse, it's your turn. I don't know if Jesse's here anymore. Yeah, sorry. He's looking at baby Fuesio.

I'm gone, baby. I'm gone. Wow. That's Laurie Metcalf. Yeah. She's wearing like a weird purple. Laurie Metcalf is playing his ex-wife, Nanny G, who was previously played by Emma Thompson in Cheers. Okay.

Wow. I mean. Is that a dream sequence? No. Wow. So that really happens. That really happens. It's like she's like a children's entertainer and he ends up, I don't want to ruin it.

You guys should just watch it. Can I just say, as great a comic actor as Kelsey Grammer is, and I hope no one disagrees with me on that, a brilliant comic actor. Right. no one disagrees with me on that. Brilliant comic actor. Right. This guy's ex-wife was played by both Laurie Metcalf and Emma Thompson?

Because they both got his ass beat six ways till Sunday. Jesus Christ. That's like two of the top ten of all time. Yeah. Ex-wife actors, you mean? No. I mean, there you go. Jesse? If I have any issues, I can... XY factors, you mean? No. Comedy. I mean, there you go. Okay.

Jesse? Yeah, so if I have any issues, I can... You can phone Niles. Okay. Hey, no, hold on. Matt? Yeah, what's up? Have you got Niles patched through there? Yeah, Niles is here.

He's ready to go. Okay, great. Thank you. The Lord of the Fleas. A dinner party is thrown into jeopardy when Eddie brings fleas into Frazier's house. Frazier has to come up with wilder and wilder excuses for his frantic itching, including, it's a traditional Portuguese dinner dance, and in Bali it's customary to season one's food with a few skin flakes.

The night abruptly ends when the building's conservative female rabbi catches Frazier in the bathroom itching down his pants, and it looks like he's masturbating. Okay. To kill a talking bird. Sounds like something any rabbi would not want to see, but... To kill a talking bird. Even some non-people of the cloth might not want to see that. A dinner party is thrown into jeopardy when a talking cockatoo attaches itself to Niles' head.

To make matters worse, it won't stop repeating incendiary gossip about the people at the party. At one point, it just repeats the phrase, Stephanie's horny. Okay. Stephanie's horny. Is that one of the people at the party? Yes. I guess probably, right? The Crepe Gatsby.

A dinner party is- Hold on. Hold on one second. Yeah. Matt? Yeah, what's up? Is Niles there? Is he ready to go?

Yeah, yeah, he's ready to go. Just wanted to check. Go ahead, Jordan. I'm sorry. A dinner party is thrown into jeopardy when Frasier's father, Martin, dares him to try some speed he found in an old jacket that he confiscated from a drug dealer in the 80s.

Frasier ends up seeing the devil, guest star Mark Harmon, and challenges him to a flesh sword fight using their penises. Mark Harmon? The name comes from the fact that Daphne makes crepes. From Double Dare? Mark Summers. No, that's Mark Summers.

Mark Harmon is from NCIS? No. What's the one he's from? Mark Harmon is... I'm just cutting and pasting these from Wikipedia, so I don't know. Jesse, once again, those choices are The Lord of the Fleas, To Kill a Talking Bird, and The Crepe Gatsby. I'm going to say that it is The Lord of the Fleas.

Emily, do you know this one? It is To Kill a Talking Bird. Oh, my gosh. Who's horny again? Melanie? Stephanie, I believe. Stephanie's horny. And then the bird also calls someone else a lush.

Oh, my God. Now that's outrageous. Yeah, that was a good episode. Sorry, Jesse. It's one and oh. And again, you did not use your phone Niles. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, you should have called Niles.

Okay. Bobcat Goldthwait was married to Nikki Cox. Nikki Cox. Okay. Nikki Cox. Similar cultural position to Denise Richards. Sure, yeah. Denise Richards of the WB.

Yeah. I bet she's really cool because she was married to Bobcat Goldthwait. He seems like a great guy every time I've interacted with him. Emily, these are yours. Okay. And you cannot phone Niles. Okay. High holidays.

And Nikki Cox is not Okay. High Holidays. Dickie Cock is not available. High Holidays. Frasier's son Frederick comes to Christmas with a new goth wardrobe. This leads to Niles deciding to have a long overdue rebellious phase and purchases a pot brownie. Martin ends up eating it and Niles eats a regular brownie and only thinks

that he's high. Frasier Claus is coming to town. Frasier agrees to play Santa at a local charity event. He refuses to give out traditional toys, but rather copies of Proust and tickets to La Boheme. He's asked to leave

when he mistakes one of the parents' dropped bags of marijuana for mistletoe. The Little Plumber Boy. Frasier clogs his toilet on Christmas with some wild diarrhea. The whole episode is just diarrhea noises. It goes to commercial, and then there's a black card with white writing that says, Now where were we?

And then diarrhea noises again. 14 million people watched it because that's how many people watched shows back then. Emily, again, your choices are high holidays, Frazier Claus is coming to town, and the little plumber boy. And Niles wants to let you know that you cannot call him. You cannot call Niles. Niles is on the line there,

and he's just letting you know that you already have a big enough advantage. Is Niles on the phone, or is David Hyde Pierce on the phone? Niles from Frasier. Niles from Frasier. Now, this is an interesting phone you guys have here.

The real episode is High Holidays. And I was truly just thinking about it because you mentioned drugs in another one of your fake episode descriptions. It's a really good episode. I strongly recommend it. It has Frasier's goth son, right? Yeah. It's a weird, like a lot happens in that episode. It's like goth Freddy and also and also fraser records a local commercial

um and also marty gets high and it just feels like a lot of really iconic moments that i i just strongly recommend was frederick a regular character on fraser he was in one episode a season okay because i only know him as a baby on Cheers. Yeah, he was played by Trevor Einhorn, who went on to be on Mad Men. For a while was married to Bobcat Goldthwait. Yeah, that is true.

For Police Academy. That is true, yeah. Sorry, I looked just like Michael Winslow. He was married to Michael Winslow. And he has been replaced in the Frasier reboot. Even though he's a professional actor. There's a Frasier reboot? I'm not supposed to talk about it because of the writer's strike, even though I didn't work on it.

But yeah, they just released new images from it because it's coming out in October. And I just looked at them and I felt nothing. Wow. Yeah. Now what are you going to beat off to? I mean, my imagination, I guess? You're going to have to go back to that Laurie Metcalf picture.

Jesse, this is your next one and it's actually the last one before the bonus round so if you want to use your lifeline, this would be a good place. We've all beat off to a picture of Laurie Metcalf in a green beret. Coups and Ladders. Or one of Laurie Metcalf and a green beret.

Sure. Those guys are buff. Do that military shit. Coups and Ladders. Because Frazier is bored, he decides to steal from his neighbor. Special guest, Helen Mirren. Dandy Land. Niles and Frazier challenge each other to see who can drink the hottest cup of tea.

Special guest, Michael Caine. Okay. Tic-Tac-Dough. Frasier kills Niles with a fire poker, and then in the remaining two seasons, Niles is a guy wearing Frasier's dead brother's skin like a suit. Special guest, Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant does seem, that would be a great. Good get for them, you know, late 90s.

Well, I mean, it could have been after his scandal, and then he sort of like needs a. I'm not going to give you any more clues. Can, Matt. What's going on? Is Niles there for me to talk to? Yeah, he's there whenever you want him. Okay, Jordan, I'm going to phone a friend.

My friend is Niles from Frasier. Niles, hello, are you there? Yeah, hello, it's me, Niles from Frasier. Niles, hello. Are you there? Yeah, hello. It's me, Niles from Frasier. I've never seen Frasier. Is he British? You sound a lot like Daphne's brother, Simon. Is that right?

Who mysteriously has an accent from a different part of England than where Daphne is from. Maybe it's the place of England where Niles is from. I think it's just because he's played by an American guy. Anyway, yeah, sorry, go ahead. Yeah, please. What's the question you got, governor, isn't it? I think Michael Caine is here. We tried to call Niles.

I think we got Sir Michael Caine from Get Carter. You can eliminate the Michael Caine episode that was on the list if you asked the right questions. The star of Get Carter. Listen, I only got so much time, yeah? Speak it up. What would you lot know? Okay. A bleak film. What were the choices again?

Coups and Ladders, Dandyland, or Tic-Tac-Dough. Okay. Coups and Ladders is Helen Mirren and Frasier do a robbery together. Because Frasier is bored, he decides to steal from his neighbor. Okay, and then Andy Land, that's the Michael Caine one. Niles and Frasier challenge each other to see who can drink the hottest cup of tea. Special guest, Michael Caine.

I'm going to say Coups and Ladders. You haven't asked me. Well, I don't know that you have that much to offer. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know what to say. I think it's the first one. Okay. Well, thank you, Niles, because we're on the same page here.

Niles and I, Sir Michael Caine from Get Carter. That is your first correct answer. Yes, Jesse, coots and ladders. Okay, wait. Helen Mirren is not on that episode. She's one of the callers. Oh, of course. Yeah, she sounds a little bit like me.

You're welcome, Jesse. Watch me, Helen Mirren. Hi, Chitoy Chitoy. I always say it's me and then my own name. A great way to introduce oneself. It's me. I'm going to be honest. I never saw Frasier.

Is Niles not British? He seems British coded. Is he not British coded? No, he's homosexual coded. Oh, okay. I liked Wings. I just started watching Wings yesterday. Great show.

Really? I'd say it's on par with Cheers in terms of a theme song that would make a kid not want to watch it. Right. Makes it seem sad. It's just like, do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do. And there's just footage of planes. And you're just like, this looks like the most boring thing in the world. Just like this looks like the most boring thing in the world.

As a guy who's been watching a lot of Taxi lately, I would like to see the return of the mournful sitcom theme music. God, the Cheers theme song is the biggest bummer in the history of the world. Well, the MASH theme song is called Suicide is Painless. Yeah. Okay. That's fair. This is the final question uh you'll answer by buzzing in saying your own name uh jesse you can call saying our own name yeah i guess so i just say emily emily emily yeah okay you can say buzz if you want to okay what's me head in mirror from County Cork. Wait until I've finished all three and then you can buzz in. One of these is real. The seal

who came to dinner. A dinner party is thrown into jeopardy when a dead seal washes up near Niles' beach house. Niles dresses it up in a nightgown and stabs it repeatedly leading his neighbors to think he murdered Maris. His girl Sunday. A dinner party is thrown into jeopardy

when Niles realizes for the first time that the woman he's been dating is a born-again Christian. She judges all of Niles' snooty intellectual guests and asks them if they've ever had premarital sex. She storms out when Frasier pats his lap to extinguish a candle spark and it looks like he's masturbating. A Late Supper at Tiffany's.

A dinner party is thrown into jeopardy when Niles invites a former fling, Tiffany, who is now super into Dracula. She just wants to stop talking about Dracula and showing her dumb Dracula stuff like a Dracula purse and a Dracula watch until Niles gets fed up and dumps French onion soup on her head. Everyone is surprised when the doorbell rings

and it's none other than the real Dracula. Is this how we learn that you're working on the Frasier reboot? I'm just running some premises by you. I'm not supposed to be working, but you can't stop the imagination just because there's a labor issue. Once again, the seal who came to dinner,

his girl Sunday, a late supper at Tiffany's. Should I let Jesse guess? Yeah, Jesse, you can guess. I'm going to say, oh, shit. I do want to take the first guess. I am allowed to talk to Niles at any time, so I'm going to check in with Niles real quick. Yeah. But Niles, do you have any tips on this?

I think it's the one with the seal, Governor. All right. Thank you. All right. Is that it? You don't want to banter a little bit. Have fun in the movie Oliver. All right.

Go into the USA. Have fun cleaning Mary Poppins' chimney. Enjoy picking a pocket or two. Jesse, are you going to go with Niles or are you going to go Rogue? I know. The seal one has too much stabbing. So I'm going to go with the Dracula one. Okay.

Emily, do you know the answer to this? It is the seal who came to dinner. No, it is not. It is not. You should have mentioned it. Stabs a seal in a nightgown? Because like animal control tells them that like it'll explode if they don't or something because of the, or like because it smells really bad. Because of a future faction?

Yeah, it smells really bad and they don't want their guests at the dinner party to smell it because they're like really judgmental if anything goes wrong at the dinner party. Like it's curtains for some reason. Like curtains? Like it's just like, I want to say like Niles is running for like president of the dinner party club or something like that. It is something like that. It is something like that.

And it's like, yeah, everything has to go off without a hitch. But then there's like a stinky dead seal. And they try and send it back out to sea, but it won't sink. I think that's what happens. And so they stab it. You know what's interesting to me? Yeah. So Fraser and Niles are brothers.

Yes. And these guys are sophisticates. They love opera. Right. Fine wine. Mm-hmm. High ceiling departments. Yeah.

Their dad is kind of a salt of the earth working class type guy. Right. It's weird. So, what's that all about? Do you want to really talk about this? Because the implication was that their mom was like where they got that sort of sense of sophistication from. She is dead. Oh, the dad killed the mom?

Yeah, that's also in the seal who came to dinner. They learned that their mom died at their dad's hand. They got their sophistication from their mom and the stabbing from their dad. Emily, congratulations. Thank you very much. You're the winner of the first ever Toss Salads and Frasier quiz. We have a plate of scrambled eggs for you and a salad, but the dressing's on the side. I would really like to watch a lot of those fake episodes.

Yeah, well. I'm currently reading a novel by Joe Keenan, who's one of the Frasier writers who is responsible for most of the Farsi episodes. I think he wrote The Seal Who Came to Dinner. And it's really funny. Oh. It's really funny. Oh. There's like a series of three novels that are all like very, very Farsi set in the world of like homosexual Manhattan in the 1980s.

Oh. So it's very Frasier-y, but like the dudes are actually like having sex with each other and stuff. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it's pretty fun. It's a backdrop of horrific tragedy. They don't talk about that. Ever thrumming. Ever thrumming.

Well, before we go to break, Niles, do you have anything you want to plug? No, Niles actually left, but his publicist just hit me up, and he would love to be a guest on Jordan. Can you let him know? You can't pick some weird time. Yeah, can you let him know that we'll, if weird time can you yeah can you let him know that we'll if we have a slot open

because we're just super we're super booked up yeah we're real booked up guys I control the calendar I'm pretty sure you guys just asked me today if I could do this Steve Agee

we'll just like what if Steve Agee we're definitely not booked up we just got can you book Steve Agee for any slots that are open right now so we don't have to book Niles

and then when he cancels get Niles okay he's he's still on the line he's listening oh boy for any slots that are open right now so we don't have to book Niles. And then when he cancels, get Niles. Okay, he's still on the line. He's listening to this. Oh, boy. When did you even... A farce worthy of Frasier. We'll be back in just a second

on Jordan, Jesse, Goffman. It's Jordan, Jesse, Goffman. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love brings the heat. I don't know if we've set this on pod yet, but Matt Ricardo is going to be joining us. He's going to do a knife trick. He's going to do an amazing feat and then dick around with us. It's going to be a ton of fun, maybe a couple other surprises. So if you are in the London, England area, we've got our show September 14th. You can go to MaximumFun.org slash events to get your tickets. Can I tell you something, Jordan? Yeah. I'm not here to just...

Obviously, I'm not going to spill the beans about all the content of our show other than the knife trick that Matt Ricardo has already said he's going to do. We don't know. You're not saying what he's going to do with the knife. No, I will say that I find it almost upsetting. I've seen it before, and it's extraordinary, but a little worrying.

But here's, remember that time at Max Von Kahn when Matt Ricardo was juggling bowling balls? And then he caught one on the back of his neck and he and he said it's a little windy out here i was only pretty sure i could do that and it's good that i did because it really could kill me yeah matt is uh matt is not just a hilarious guy but he does these truly truly amazing feats of incredibleness hard hard hard to describe them they are totally amazing and he is he is a a joy to watch matt ricardo one of the best again i'm not going to spill the beans about what you're going to see on the show but i will say i've been spending a lot of time on a wikipedia page that covers accidental deaths of members of parliament there's 500

years of British parliament history to draw upon much of it much of it including some truly baroque accidental deaths there's one guy Jordan

I didn't use this in the show there's one guy who died of the burns that he sustained when he accidentally fell into his fireplace wow whoops there's two different ones with turnips jordan two different turnip ones well god i mean if that's not getting people to go to maximum fun.org slash events and get their tickets for september 14th i don't know what is okay every jordan jesse go episode is supported by the members of maximum fun uh if you're not a member yet oh man we've had so much great members-only content this year, so many cool live shows, and we've been recording episodes of Stash Rules Everything Around Me, our Burt Reynolds show that's only for members.

Go to MaximumFun.org slash join if you want to join all those folks who are already supporting us. We're also supported this week by the folks over at nuts.com. Now, let me tell you something, Jordan. Yes. Sunday mornings, I go out to the flea market. The flea market is hard work. That's four hours on my feet.

And some of these flea markets, they only have that kind of like food service kind of food. Right. You know what I mean? Like something from Sodexo. I don't want to get involved in giving them $14 for whatever, for a hot dog. So I like to bring my own snacks. And you know where I get my snacks?

Nuts.com. Nuts.com. Because I'm talking about trail mix, but I'm also talking about those delicious bourbon pecans. So good. I'm talking about trail mix, but I'm also talking about those delicious bourbon pecans. So good. I'm talking about dried fruits. Yep. What's better than dates to bring out to the Rose Bowl?

Nothing. Not a lot. I mean, maybe crystallized ginger, maybe jelly beans, maybe root beer barrels, but it doesn't matter what's better because you can get it all at nuts.com, your one-stop shop for freshly roasted nuts, dried fruit, sweets, and pantry staples like specialty flours. What I like about nuts.com is, so nuts, like anything that has any fat in it,

can go bad, right? I think sometimes people think nuts could just sit on a shelf forever, but nuts are a fresh food. They taste less good after a long time. Nuts.com roasts the nuts the day that they ship to you. They are roasted on demand, Jordan. They come straight to you.

This is the freshest of the fresh. It's really nice stuff. It's delicious. Totally a top-tier snack. Everything I've gotten from Nuts.com has been a top-tier snack. Right now, Nuts.com is offering new customers a free gift with purchase and free shipping on orders of $29 or more at nuts.com slash jjgo. So go check out all the delicious options at nuts.com slash jjgo.

You'll receive a free gift and free shipping when you spend $29 or more. That's nuts.com slash jjgo. We're also supported by the folks at ZipRecruiter. You know, MaximumFun.org is a worker-owned cooperative. I'm one of the owners of Maximum Fund. And we have to hire sometimes. It is hard. It is hard. Do you know what the average cost of hiring somebody for a small business is? Somewhere in the neighborhood of $4,700? I don't know where you pulled that out of, but you got it exactly to the dollar. Oh my God.

About $4,700. So, I mean, if you're going to spend $4,700, you got to get it right. So what's the most effective way to find the best people for your roles? Zip Recruiter. They let you post jobs for free before you commit so you can see how effective it is at helping you hire. Get hiring right with ZipRecruiter. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJ Go to try ZipRecruiter for free. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash JJ Go. Let's get back to the show.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Emily Heller, female body inspector. Doesn't it seem like just check it in with you. Like I live next door to a rapidly gentrifying

neighborhood, Highland Park in Los Angeles. Doesn't it seem like there'd be a pie place by now? House of Pies delivers. Do they just not deliver to you? I don't think they deliver but that's in los feliz i don't need to tell our worldwide audience that that's all the way in freaking los feliz like they should deliver to you yeah i just wanted i just wanted a piece of

fucking pie i don't know man i'm into banana cream pie lately but hey remember that time in college when we went on that epic beer run they're still talking about that beer run on campus matt you say that we knew each other in college we were around each other like vaguely i think matt i did know matt yeah you knew matt i knew matt yeah um and i don't know if i've talked to you about i think i've told you this that um my boyfriend in college used to go into the cafe that you worked at and ask you to make him a sandwich with like a a slice of onion that was like half an inch thick and just like a full uh and i think he thought it was like a private joke and then one day you stopped doing it.

Because you were just like, I'm going to get in trouble for that, man. I do not remember that. But I love it. I love it. I don't remember anything from college except for that, I guess. I think, Jordan, this, I'm going to guess that this might be a situation for you as it is for me, Like, I think with me, I will sometimes hear somebody say like, oh yeah, Jesse Thorne was a real dick in college.

I'm like, I don't think I did anything to earn that reputation. I think I just seemed like that and was tall. But also just by your own admission, you just said that you don't remember. Yeah, it's true. Maybe I was. I mean, everyone was a dick in college.

Guys, how could I remember when I was toking those J's? It also speaks to the nature of Santa Cruz that the celebrities were like you guys and Umbrella Man. I forget who was Umbrella Man. He was that guy who walked around downtown with the umbrella. He walked down Pacific wearing all pink and carrying a pink umbrella and twirling it. Yeah, but like charming

until you think about it and you realize the darkness that must dwell within. I don't know. Yeah? I don't think I ever found out anything like damning about umbrellambrella Man. Did you? Someone Google it.

You were holding your fucking fingers in your ears like the leadership of the Catholic Church. Oh, boy. You just transferred Umbrella Man from Santa Cruz to Aptos to Capitola to Watsonville. I just Googled it. Denise Richards was married to an umbrella man. Oh.

Thank you, Matt. Hot 90s couple. That's how she got on Real Housewives of Santa Cruz. Yeah. Right. That was canceled

after four minutes, I heard. Fastest cancellation Bravo has ever had. Just four minutes into the first episode. They're like, nah.

When they cooked and ate the koi from the koi pond. They're like, why are all these scenes about bulk foods? They can't all be bulk foods themed conflicts. And the producer's like, they are, sorry. They're throwing bulk foods at each other. Okay, so when something momentous happens to you, Sorry. Throwing bulk foods at each other. Okay. So when something momentous happens to you, the listener, give us a call, 206-9844-FUN. Or whip out your smartphone, record a voice memorandum, and email it to us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org.

That's how we make the segment Momentous Occasions. We've been doing it for 15 years now, Jordan, and it hasn't gotten old to anyone. Everyone loves it as much now as they did then. And there's no reason for us to think of new things to do. Well, I mean, I can say this. The calls are getting better. Absolutely.

They're getting better. I feel like there's blood coming out of your eyeballs right now. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Goh, I've got a momentous occasion for you and kind of some summer boy shit too. Can you pause it for a second? I'm calling you from the creator room. I just want to acknowledge we just suggested maybe that our show or the calls are going down. We alluded.

We suggested that could be the case. Immediately, this one fucking came in with atmospheric rumblings. Right. Like portentous wind sounds. Yep. That swept me away to a world inside my mind. And so I want to salute everyone. Yes.

Who's calling in with this great shit. I take it all back. We'll do this show forever and never think of a reason to do it. Amazing. Go ahead. I'm calling you from the crater rim of Mount St. Helens. This was my big summer goal, and it is done now. So I can stop doing hikes on weekends.

I'm looking forward to that. But, yeah, I barely remember it blowing up when I was about four years old, and it's amazing to be here now looking down at the crater. So, thanks, guys. Keep fingering that mountain or whatever we're saying this year. Bye. That's what we're saying.

First of all, does this guy know that's a freaking volcano? Kill the dinosaurs, dude. Get out of there. Were these his last words? It seems possible. I will now throw myself in as an offering to the gods so that they may bring the rains. If this bowl's a-smoking, ain't nobody toking. Thank you.

It's an active freaking crano. Get out of there. This is not impressive because I didn't actually say it, but when we stopped the call, I thought to myself. Hold on. I might be impressed. Go ahead. I did think to myself, it sounds like this guy is calling from a volcano. Holy shit.

So, again, not impressive because I didn't say it. I could just be fucking lying. I don't believe you. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that. I just want people to think I'm cool. Emily, counterpoint. Yeah. I'm buying this shit hook, line, and sinker. you, yeah. I'm pretty sure that's your line. I just want people to think I'm cool. Emily, counterpoint. Yeah?

I'm buying this shit hook, line, and sinker. Oh, well. Looks like I got one dummy and one smarty. Just reel me in, baby. I've got a bathroom pass to sell you. That is amazing. I mean, I, you know, maybe, sure. I mean, maybe we've alluded to the fact that some of the calls have gotten a little more mundane.

But this is amazing. A guy climbed a volcano. How long of hiking do you think you have to do to get to the top of a volcano? Let me ask you that. Great question. Depends on where the trail starts. What do you mean, how long of hiking? How long of hiking?

Like, how many months do you have to train for it? How many miles do you have to walk? That's a great question. You're the expert. How much time does it take? Sounds like it took this guy. She won the Frasier quiz, not the hike quiz. All summer.

You ever been on one of these fire mountains? I have not. Yeah. Okay. I value my life. A little Jeff Foxworthy in your voice when you said that. Y'all ever been on one of these fire mountains? If you find yourself breathing in volcanic ash.

If your magma turns to lava when it bursts through the earth's crust. You might be a fire mountain. If you were responsible for the death of the dinosaurs. How long? You might be a bar mountain. Okay, let me rephrase this. I know the... Let's take...

The volcano didn't kill them. I know. Let's take... If people recognize you from the billboards that say gonorrhea alert... You might be a bar mountain. Let's take a... If you find yourself on the cover of Dianetics... Come on, Jesse, you have to have one.

Jeff Foxworthy is filling arenas with this shit. You have to do at least one. If you're a mountain, but how come you're not pointy? That's not how the joke goes. You might be a fire mountain. Because they're not pointy. They're flat at the top. Flat at the top. It's like if you go to pop a pimple and you set a whole city on fire.

Okay. You might be a fire mountain. How about this? If you froze a couple in an eternal physical expression of love. You might be a fire mountain. In Italy, you might be a fire mountain. Yeah. Beautiful. That of love. You might be right. In Italy, you might be right. Yeah.

Beautiful. That's good. Great. Thank you. I got one more, but I'll do it in the last. Okay. Now, here's the question, though. Yeah.

How long would you guess it takes to get from the floor to the ceiling of Mount St. Helens, the famous volcano. I guess like four or five hours. Four or five hours. Sounds about right. Yes. You know, it's kind of a day killer. Do you have the information in front of you or are you just- I have a producer who's probably looking it up right now.

He's probably not just spacing out and thinking about how great his voice work is. Yeah, I'm Googling it right now. Yeah, he's Googling it right now. So you got to pick one, four or five hours. I think four or five hours is my answer. No, you have to pick either four hours or five hours. I'm going to say four and a half hours. Four and a half hours.

Jordan, what do you think? I'm going to say six hours. Six hours. That's good. And what are you going to say? Well, what I'm thinking about here is whether I would have to bring a meal or I could just bring trail mix. Well, that doesn't factor in because if you stop for a three-hour lunch, that's on you. That's not officially counting toward the length of the hike.

Are you dragging a turkey up this thing? Caesar salad? This is what I'm thinking about You know those kind of big green Stanley thermoses What if I put soup in there That sounds like a good idea Just any old day I'd get to the top of the mountain

Celebrate with a little soup I'd say I started at 8am And say it took 4 and a half hours It's 12.30 I'm at the top of the mountain And I got hot soup still because it's vacuum sealed. Yeah, but knowing you, you'd just be like, I wish it was pie. What am I going to do? There's no pie up here.

You don't think they got pie at the bottom of fucking Mount St. Helens? You know what's at the bottom of Mount St. Helens? Seattle. I bet there's 12,000 pies in Seattle. You'd think that they had that in LA too, but you couldn't track it down. That's a fucking great point. Yeah. Seems like exactly what they would have.

Matt, do you have an answer? Oh, I forgot. That's okay. great point. Yeah. Seems like exactly what they would have. Matt, do you have an answer? Oh, I forgot. That's okay. I don't think it matters that much. Oh, I got it. Yeah. You wrote a quiz

and I wrote a quiz. This is like a clickbait question where I really don't care about the answer. What does Jonathan Taylor Thomas look like right now

when he gets to the top of Mount St. Helens? Do you want me to Google that? No. Time. What's the time? 7 to 12 hours. 7 to 12?

Wow. I mean, that's pretty good. Oh, wait. You never gave your answer. It's a huge gap, too. My answer was 7 to 12. No, it wasn't. Okay.

This might not impress you because I was just thinking it. This might not impress you because I was just- I actually just realized that is round trip. Oh. Oh. So it's half that. I actually just realized that is round trip oh look who's looking good four and a fucking half yes two wins in one show

thanks for clapping for me guys we're all doing it boo Jesse you wanna lick your wounds I've been watching so much Jeopardy you can't beat me right now. Oh, okay. I thought it was I can't boo you right now.

You're not allowed to boo me in Jeopardy. You're allowed to boo me. I'm being a really bad sport. Wouldn't it be fucking wild if part of Jeopardy was booing? Yeah, it should be more combative. It's those fucking sweet nerds on Jeopardy. Yeah. They just got something wrong about the Ottoman Empire,

and just somebody's like fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck in Philadelphia. It's part of the experience. We'll bring batteries to Jeopardy. Okay. The log line of Jeopardy is Jeopardy, welcome to Culver City, bitch. Right. Yeah. That's how we do it

in the big C. Ken's like, eh, it's part of my brand now. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. I'm Jesse Thorne.

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Open up that podcast app, type in Bullseye, and hit subscribe. You're not going to want to miss any of this somewhere in an alternate universe where hollywood is smarter and the em Emmy nominees for Outstanding Comedy Series are Jet Pacula, Airport Marriott, Thrupple, Dear America, We've Seen You Naked, and

Allah in the Family. In our stupid universe, you can't see any of these shows, but you can listen to them on Dead Pilot Society, the podcast that brings you hilarious comedy pilots that the networks and streamers bought but never made journey to the alternate television universe of dead pilot society on maximum fun.org it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective La, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Emily Heller, dog army. That's a Frasier joke. Oh. From the high holidays. Real ones know. The real ones know.

Okay, well, I'm a false one. Never pretended to be anything but, though. I feel like every time that I see you and you tell me you still haven't watched any Frasier, I get madder and madder. Frasier is on one of the services, right? It's on

Hulu. I believe it's also on Paramount+. It should be, right? I have both of those. I've been watching. My daughter is recently 12 and for a long time all she would watch is South Park and Family Guy

both of which have their merits I'm not like you know funny things happen on both of them a lot but I am too old to bear that amount of misanthropy yeah um and it's brutal yeah it really is just like unrelenting and my daughter is not misanthropic she just is unbothered by it um uh like she just likes the irreverence um and but it was it was really wearing me out because

i would like want to connect with my child, but she just is watching another South Park. And I'm like, okay, I mean, it's good. It's funny. It's not that it's good. I just can't see this anymore. It's been 20 years. I mean, it's, it's worn me out. Uh, but recently she has only recently sort of started connecting to things involving actual human behaviors.

has only recently sort of started connecting to things involving actual human behaviors. And she started being really interested in watching Seinfeld. Oh. And so I've been watching a lot of Seinfeld with her. And it is just like so wild to see someone who and you know like the sorts of situations like the sophistication of the social comedy on Seinfeld is deeply lost

on her like even more than most 12 year olds but she doesn't know what shrinkage is I mean like yeah the like things that make someone else uncomfortable are like not a subtlety that she picks up on. But, fuck, Seinfeld is so fucking funny. It's really good.

Lately, I've just been. Also pretty misanthropic, but. It is somewhat misanthropic. Yeah. But, and racist. Yes. But, like, I will be watching Seinfeld. And, like, lately, I think for a long time I was, like, all about regular Seinfeld shit. Like, how pathetic George is.

Right? Your standard Seinfeld shit. Now I just, like, I just can't take my eyes off julia louis dreyfus right like being weird and mischievous at the same time like always being fucking up to something in some weird way and being like like every everything her character does, she's just going like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You're like, is she evil? Is she just cackling like a witch? What's going on? And then just like, I just truly can't imagine a funnier fucking neighbor does weird stuff than Kramer.

And I mean, I know that's not insightful, but just like, every time he does one of his funny takes, I'm like, fuck, that was great! I'm also like, is he concussed? Like, that guy put his body through a lot for that show, and I'm like, is that why he said the N-word

on stage? Because he was deeply concussed from all of his falling down. Yeah. It doesn't prevent you from all of his falling down. It doesn't prevent you from saying the N-word. But I think that probably I should be watching Frasier. It's probably more

consistent than Taxi. Which, you know, Taxi is always, everyone on Taxi is really great. And often really hilarious things happen. But sometimes it's a little hokey. I can give you like a list of Frasier episodes to start with if you think that would be helpful. Guys, this is the podcast.

This will become more popular than Jordan and Jesse go in two episodes, you realize. You guys will retire off that shit. One person who likes Frasier and one person who doesn't doing a podcast about it. Oh, my God. Again, Jordan. I don't not like it. I just haven't watched it since it was on TV, really. I think I probably do.

For advertising purposes, I'm giving you the hook here. Okay. Anyway. God, pretty soon we're going to be famous like the fucking Gilmore guys. Yeah. Right. If you don't want to do it, I can pretend to not like Frasier. I'll do the show.

God, it feels like the ship has sailed so hard on doing a Frasier podcast, hasn't it? No. It just feels like if you do it now, you just have to put like one of those money bags with the dollar sign on it just in the logo of the podcast. This is what we want.

Yes. We want this. Recently, a TV producer told me they're rebooting Frasier, so it might be the perfect time. I don't know.

Like a capitalist from the world of television media, like an exploiter who hates labor from, was plugging the Frasier reboot to me the other day. Or just recently some bosses.

Okay. I have a question for you before this episode is over because I'd like to ask you about this. On Baby Geniuses, which is your brilliant, hilarious podcast with the brilliant, hilarious Lisa Hanna-Walt. Yeah. brilliant hilarious podcast with the brilliant hilarious lisa hannah walt yeah you one of the things that you do is you'll you'll go into a topic that you've learned about from wikipedia basically uh literally and i what have you what is something that you've learned about on wikipedia lately oh we recently covered a page called umizz, parentheses, Birding. Okay.

All right. I'm intrigued. I'm intrigued. I'm reaching for my phone. I'm opening my app. It's a spec that Jordan wrote for the Frasier Reader. I'll scab, guys. I'll scab.

I don't care if I'm banned I just want to make We've got this great spec from Gordon Norris Jordan Norris but with a mustache we don't know who he is anyways Why did he add that

and is that it's not in anyone's name And you have a real mustache underneath it too my plan is flawed uh jizz is a term in birding to describe like the general sort of like movements behavior the general like aura of a bird really yeah like i think that there's a theory that it comes from the word gist. Like, it's the gist. Like, you can tell it's a crane from the jizz.

That's how you use it in a sentence. So it's sort of like, it's like a bird vibe check kind of thing? Yeah, yeah. It's like the general vibe of the bird. Like, kind of like the silhouette, the way it moves, just the sort of like, the, yeah, like the jizz of it. Holy cow. Yeah. The jizz of the bird. The jizz of it yeah the jizz of the bird let me ask you this yeah how many on the jizz disambiguation page on wikipedia i don't think there is one i think that's the only

i mean well what about jizz the music from star wars right oh that's yeah that's that's only on wikipedia oh and that's not me making a pun. That's just the actual truth about. No, jizz is definitely notable. Oh, OK. No. Yeah. Jizz.

The disambiguation pages. Jizz may refer to jizz parentheses birding the immediately recognizable characteristics of a bird or the other organism. Jizz a vulgar slang for semen. Well, that's news to me. Jizz, an episode of season one of Satisfaction. I don't even know what Satisfaction is. Let me tell you this. I ain't got no satisfaction in my memory of television shows.

Jizz, a PC 64K intro by the Black Lotus at Wired 1997. Wait, say that again? I refuse. Yeah, I don't want to hear it again. Bad sentence. You're not going to get information out of it if I read it the second time. Jizz, a character on Beaver Falls. Jizz, the genre of music played by the Max Rebo Band in Star Wars.

Oh, interesting. Does not have its own Wikipedia page. It's just a description. Well, listeners, you know what to do. And then Jizz Hornkamp, born 1998, Dutch footballer. Someone was born in 1998 and named Jizz. A family name. His father.

And it doesn't say that his birth name was different. I mean, this is when we thought that fucking Al Gore was going to fix the environment once he got elected president. Like, we thought we were cruising. You know what I mean? And so why not name our children Jizz? I mean... I can still think of a couple reasons.

Put yourself in the mind of, well, I mean, it was the hot topic of the mid-1990s, wasn't it? That's true. It was on Monica's dress. Do you think our parents know what jizz is? When you say our parents, you're referring sort of metaphorically to Mr. and Mrs. Horn Camp? Yeah, just in general. Like, our generation knows that jizz has come, but do our parents know that jizz has come?

Yes. I'll tell you this. A hundred percent. My summer camp was a horn camp. Certainly a lot of jizz has come? But do our parents know that jizz has come? Yes. I'll tell you this. A hundred percent. My summer camp was a horn camp. Certainly a lot of jizz there. A jizz horn camp. Yeah. You know why?

Because of like jizz in my pants from SNL. That's why most parents know about it. What was jizz in my pants? It was a Lonely Island song. Oh. Yeah. They had to know it from that. That dick in the box. That's also a Lonely Island song. I don't think my mom got anything from Lonely Island song. Oh. Yeah. They had to know it from that. That dick in the box.

That's also a Lonely Island song, but a different one. I don't think my mom got anything from Lonely. I don't think she knows what Lonely Island is. Oh, really? She didn't even, not even Popstar, Never Stop, Never Stop.

Oh, yeah. No, she loves Popstar. Yeah. Well, my dad recently sent my husband a birthday card where he made a joke about the band Cake, and I was like, why does my dad know the band Cake? Oh, yeah.

He loves instrumental rock. I mean, it just felt like a weird thing. He grew up with The Ventures, and he went straight to Cake. You don't know that Cake are instrumental. They got that talk singing. Okay. He kind of talks. I mean, you know.

Anyway, I just feel like that's a point in the column of parents know what jizz is. Okay. You know what I mean? I like parents know what jizz is. Okay. You know what I mean? I think parents, is jizz not go back? Get out of your Oxford English dictionaries, folks. Let's look up. Let's get Helen Zaltzman on the line. Listen, we're coming to the end of the show.

We don't have time to get into the entomology. And I have one more Foxworthy volcano one to do. Okay. Okay. Fire Mountain, is that what we're calling it? Yeah. Okay. If a couple of hobbits are always trying to throw a ring in you,

you might be a Fire Mountain. Okay. Worth it. What about this? If you have a hole where a top should be. If you have a hole where a top should be. If you have a hole where a top should be? Because a regular mountain has a top right there. Do you need to go to the hospital?

A regular mountain's got a top up there, but guess what? Jesse, don't go to sleep. Don't go to sleep. Don't go to sleep. Stay with us, buddy. Stay with us. Stay with us. I've done some of the most incredible entrances into Jerry's apartment.

You have been doing your Kramer impression too hard. Stay awake. Who's president, buddy? Who's president? Okay. Emily Heller. The podcast is Baby Geniuses. The stand-up comedy is Emily Heller.

The television shows shan't be plugged. And Matt Lieb is our producer.rian sunny de fernandez our producer emeritus our theme music love you by the free design courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records our thanks to the band and the label uh and uh you can find us on various social media and i'm gonna i gotta repeat this jordan i still gotta still got a fair... Now, we are up to like $1,000 or something for El Otrolalo. Hey, all right. Because I have fulfilled my promise, my ill-considered promise to match everything over... We have these bumpers.

If you haven't been listening, we have these bumper stickers. They say, keep honking. I'm listening to Max Fund's long-running nonsense podcast, Jordan, Jesse, go. And I didn't, I had them printed when we had the idea, but then I couldn't figure out

what to do with them. And so we've said, if you send us an SASE in $5, we will send you a sticker. And the $5 goes to Alotrolalo, who do services for immigrants on both sides of the U.S.-Mexico border. And I said that I would give – I would match what people put in there above and beyond the $5, which is hundreds now. But go to town. Go for it.

Good cause. So I think we're up over $1,000. We're in the four digits now. Hey, all right. And then, Jordan, you and I have promised also to kick in a dollar each for every time somebody posts it on social media, which I've seen some now. Let's get those posts up.

X has never been hotter. It's happening. I'm seeing it. Hashtag it, JJ Go, on your Instagrams and on your Twitters and so forth. Make a TikTok, you know. You'll probably send us a TikTok. I don't know. I don't know about these fucking TikToks.

Some kind of Chinese spy ring. You've got to get on there. Some kind of Chinese spy ring. Talk about how the bumper sticker gave you ADHD or something. I don't know. That'll get you there. Some kind of Chinese spy. Talk about how the bumper sticker gave you ADHD or something. I don't know. That'll get you views. How about this? I'll give you a dollar if you send me a good scruffy dog on Instagram that I can follow because that's the only thing I really want to follow on Instagram.

I realized. I was like, why do I really want to look at an Instagram? Yeah. I'm not going to be looking at butts or whatever. You know what I mean? I'm married. You're not looking at the yoga pants Instagram accounts. I'm not going to be looking at butts or whatever. You know what I mean? I'm married. You're not looking at the yoga pants Instagram accounts. I'm a family man.

So show me those scruffs. No muffs, all scruffs. Yeah. Thank you. I don't think muffs are allowed on. I don't think Instagram allows muffs. That was great. We should end the show as quickly as possible.

While people are still enjoying that. Here's the address. Send it to JJGoStickerOffer, 2404 Wilshire Boulevard, number 9A, Los Angeles, California, 90057. And I want to emphasize, I'm fucking putting these fuckers in the envelopes myself. That's true. Hand stuffed. Yeah. One guy just sent $5.

And I was like, do you expect me to fill out an envelope and put a... Come on. That's not how it works. I just kept the $5. I mean, I gave it to charity, but didn't send it back either. Okay, anyway. 24-04. If people include a printed out picture of Kelsey Kramer wearing a diaper, will you give them anything?

Yeah, I'll put in an extra dollar for anybody who does that. Okay, cool. Love it. Okay. We'll be in an extra dollar for anybody who does that. Okay, cool. Love it. Okay. We'll be back next time on Jordan, Jessica. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you.

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