Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Unobtainafruit with Nick Adams

Episode Date: November 24, 2022

Nick Adams joins Jordan and Jesse this week to talk the joy of cozy video games, the disappointment that is a dragon fruit and life advice from Scatman Crothers.Ever tried Microdosing? Visit Microdose.com and use JJGO for 30% off + Free Shipping. 

give a little time for the child within you don't be afraid to be young and free undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective i'm gonna be honest with you jordan thank you i'm kind of i know this is a comedy show but i'm kind of dealing with something right now oh my gosh let no, listen, Jesse, people don't listen to podcasts to laugh. They want, they want people to get real raw and uncensored. With stories of women getting murdered. Yeah.

If you got one of those. Ooh, yeah. Pull that out. Ooh, yum. I don't, sadly. It's just something that I feel like we have an intimate enough relationship with our listeners. Yes. Although to be clear, we would prefer if anyone with an intimate relationship with us not listen to this show.

It'll make you disgusted at the sight of us. Please, mom mom turn it off listen to john dickerson's show i mean that's good overall advice you know why listen to this when you could listen to the yeah the slate culture gab fest is right there if you've already listened to it this week re-llistened to it. They literally do five NPR pop culture happy hours a week that you could listen to instead of this. I did one this week. Really? Yeah, it was a lot of fun.

That's great. Well, why wouldn't it be with those wonderful people? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Some of the best people. They're probably not dealing with shit. You were like going to get into it. You were going to get real raw and uncensored. Do you think people can handle that?

If I, like, it's something pretty heavy. Jesse, not only can they handle it they're drooling for it they're salivating like a pavlovian dog for your fucking honesty for your rawness for your realness they want it they want to know about the shit that's going on in that fucked up brain of yours that fucking brain that produces the content they love they want to know about all the fucking bloody ghosts rattle around in there with their chains oof gimme now you know jordan that i'm pretty twisted yeah yeah yeah i've been to brunch with you i know you're twisted i've seen you after a couple of mimosas get a couple of mimosas in this guy and he starts talking about killing the batman bringing together all of gotham's criminals to take down the Batman once and for all.

Yeah, this guy's twisted. So this is something that has been weighing on me a lot. It's something I've talked to. I mean, I start having dreams about it. Yeah. I talked to my therapist about it. I've talked to my wife about it. God, please let this be a bit,

not an actual sad thing you're going to talk about. No, this is 100% is a hundred percent for real. Okay. Okay. It's something that I've been dealing with. I feel like a dick with that Joker stuff then. And I mean, the thing of it is that like, I've gotten into my forties now and it can be hard to change your mind about things when you are this age, you can get kind of calcified.

And there's something that I've been thinking about and I thought I would share it with you just because I've really been wrestling with it. Obviously, I can't tell you or the audience because I'm an NPR journalist how I vote, but I have been voting a certain way for most of my life. We just had an election here in Los Angeles. There was an election across the country. And by voting a certain way, you mean write in vote for Count Chocula?

Yeah. And well, it's not always Count Chocula. Do you switch it up and do different serial monsters? No, I do all different. I mean, I do regret voting for Toucan Sam because he turned out to be a monster. But we didn't know about the alleged crimes. None of us saw that coming. None of us saw that coming.

He just, he put on that face and, that face and looked so great in that white dress shirt when he rolled up the sleeves. We all hoped that Toucan Sam was the start of a new era in this country, but it wasn't. Same fucking shit, man. Same fucking Washington bullshit. Don't get me started. They say that you deal with, you know, it's like you have certain ideals when you're a young person later on, your ideals can change. You can, you know, you, Oh, I'm a homeowner. I'm a homeowner now,

or I've kids now I have a retirement to protect, you know, things can really change for you when you get into your forties. I'm in my forties and there's something that has been very heavy on me. And it is again, you know, you know how I voted even this is, it's just, I'm wondering if quinoa is actually good. Oh, like what if it's good? Cause I've eaten some quinoa lately. Right. And I think maybe I liked it and it's just something that i've like jesse hey hey man it's obviously it's not a grain it's it's technically a seed this is a safe space i eat quinoa on the reg i mean it's good it's versatile have you ever like put it in a pot with some milk?

You can use a nut milk if you want. Throw a handful of blueberries in there. Stir it around. God, that's a good breakfast. There's so much great stuff you can do with quinoa. It's a great side. If it's ever like a side option somewhere, get that instead of fries. You'll feel so much better. Yeah, this is safe man i'm

quinoa i love it hey you know i know that it carries a certain you know cultural baggage maybe you know whatever five years ago ten years ago it was a yuppie food or something but you know give me those seeds man give me that seed blast just like that bread i saw once thanks jordan yeah no problem buddy really appreciate it yeah i just felt like i was kind of like i guess just hurtling towards death sure just like like i had kind of slipped down i had gotten to a peak and i thought i was on a plateau, but actually I slipped on a muddy place and I was headed towards the void. Xibalba, as it was known in ancient Latin American cultures. I think where quinoa is at is also kind of, you know, mirrors what happened with kale.

It's like, all right, shut the fuck up about kale, everybody. But then, you know, many of us came around and actually you know it's actually pretty good and you know there's a lot you can do with it it's a great as long as you massage those nasty leaves oh yeah gotta get those leaves tender take those ribs out you oil them up and you massage them so that they're tender then you gotta take out those ribs so the kale can suck its own dick if you know what i'm saying our guest on the program is a favorite here on Jordan Jesse Go. He is an acclaimed comedy writer for television programs, including but not limited to BoJack Horseman, Central Park, and of course, that one USA show that he wrote for about the lawyers, I can't think of what the name is.

Rizzoli and Isles, maybe. The other two. The other two. Maybe it was Jacobi and Myers. Was it maybe Jacobi and Myers? It was Isles and Bash. Nick Adams is our guest on the program. Hi, Nick.

Repeat. Back in the house. Repeat. I didn't guest on the program hi nick repeat back in the house repeat i didn't work on the lawyer show i worked with breckin meyer who was on the lawyer show i don't have ampersand experience on my resume wait you wait you did what did you do just personal yeah just me and services yeah yeah it's kind of like a gopher. Like Hitch. Did you see Hitch? I was like his Hitch for a while. Okay. Post-divorce, he needed a black guy to give him his juju back.

Oh my God, I could sell that tomorrow. You helped Breckenmire get back out there. Yeah, yeah. It's just so you replied to an ad, an actor with high TVQ seeks black guy to get him back out there not racist this is cool it's cool it's cool it's cool nice dude yeah i didn't know i was gonna we're doing jordan jesse goji berries today i didn't know oh yeah this year's all superfoods now i know it's been a while since you've been on it's maybe maybe been, boy, a year or two long.

You know, ancient grains, not good, not bad, but definitely not good feeling. Just pile it in there. Don't think about it too much. Wait, so I would like to hear from Nick how you feel about, you know, your trendier sides, quinoa, kale, etc. And then I want to hear from Jesse what the quinoa dish is that turns you around. How do you feel about shaved Brussels sprouts, sprouts nick uh i don't like them shaved i want some of the like like a big full bush like a full bush of my brussels like a 70s bush like stuck in your teeth like you want european pornography brussels sprouts you don't want Des Moines sprouts. I don't like any of this late

90s bullshit Brussels sprouts. I want full mid-80s. No, I feel like it doesn't really matter with Brussels sprouts. We've all gotten to the places of culture. We understand it's enough extra virgin olive oil and balsamic vinegar and bacon. The Brussels

sprouts will be fine. I don't care if you shave them, cut them in half it doesn't fucking matter just keep the bacon and the balsamic flowing liberally and we can choke down those mini cabbages god i'd love to choke down brian myers mini cabbages not so many jesse these are full leafy cabbages on that guy i read somewhere that they fixed that brussels sprouts became popular because farm scientists secretly fixed them they tasted bad before but then they fixed them made taste good. And that's why they became poppy. It's not like something that was rediscovered like bone marrow or whatever. It's something where scientists secretly made it good.

And my question is, what are scientists not making good that could become Brussels sprouts? Could just bark be pretty fucking tasty? Yeah, what about like a fox tail maybe like a really good bark fucking throw some science on it let's go in the book fast food nation they talk about you know fast food scientists and that was the first time i saw i read the term mouthfeel yeah and i was so like offended and disgusted at how i was being manipulated as a consumer but then also i was like yeah that makes total sense there are some things that you chew on and munch and eat and you're like give me a thousand more of these it feels really good going down yeah you're you're preaching to the choir i'm a texture queen i love textures i will eat a

out of season ass blackberry because i love that texture so much yeah blackberries are pretty good i will eat a bitter shriveled out of season blackberry just because i i love that texture i love also blackberries like hey do you want one big berry or like a hundred little berries come on yeah what's better than a hundred little yeah it's the berry value yeah that we all need during bidenflation am i right yeah more berries per gram come on yeah you know what i'd love to eat hitch's blackberries oh boy deleted scenes that's where you gotta buy the dvd yeah physical media physical media it's coming back jesse what was the quinoa dish you had that you that made you flip you know i just there was a bag of quinoa in the latin american section of the superior grocers near

my house so that's really latin american if it's in the latin american section of superior grocers near my house so that's really latin american if it's in the latin american section of superior grocers there's like a variety of sort of like kumquat shaped fruits that come in jars there it's three times a year you only get like four of them yeah and it came in like a bag with you know like one color graphics of inkens on it you know and i was like probably i should just buy this everybody likes quinoa so much and i just put you know i just sauteed some onion or garlic or something and then i always got stock in my freezer nick knows about this me and nick have broken this down make a stat I always got stock in my freezer because I keep my trimmings and my bones. And I throw them in the slow cooker, you know, every few weeks.

And I've always got... So I just made it with stock and it was pretty fucking good. I mean... Yeah, chop up some bell peppers in there. It's a great side. I ate a bunch of fucking, like, eggplant on top of it. You know, who gives a shit? Sure.

I might as well eat vegetables. I'm 42 years old fuck it socialist bernie sanders agenda just like government quinoa government stock you know what i mean ice cream just we should oh this is how we should live this is how it should be like you have nothing if nothing else is working out for you you have the fucking quinoa the government quinoa you can get right throw some like you know ground beef in there or whatever i don't know what poor people cook what do i know do you saute it briefly before you add the liquid that's what you're supposed to do saute it briefly before you add the liquid to give it a stick to your bones no increase the nutty flavor

god speaking of things i'd love to eat i love the things that we consume now that our grandparents had no idea even existed as foodstuffs it's amazing god i i go to um there's this little grocery store by my house it's operated by the state state of California. And it's like a little convenience store that's supposed to address food deserts. You can use your government food money there very easily. They're so nice. It's just the nicest little store. It's like if there was a liquor store on your corner, but they had the exact actual food that you needed. You need some milk.

You can go there and it won't be expired and i always got a bag of kiwi fruits in there and i always just think man kiwi fruits what a freak of fucking nature that you can eat that and it's good yeah you know hyper sweet and that america bought into it in 1989 they were just like fuck it we eat kiwi fruits now yeah i guess my kiwi consumption then at that time was very high and now hardly ever eat a kiwi do you guys just get kiwis and slice them up no you don't either fruit bowls at really fancy resorts that's the only time i see a kiwi yeah side of side of fruit at at a like a nicer brunch place the only place you're getting a kiwi these days i'll eat a kiwi ever since i found out that you can just eat that

brown no sticky leaf on the outside you can just eat that shit the whole thing is like such a like jurassic park ass like camouflage like how about this like hyper sweet almost too sweet fruit and let's just make it look fucking ridiculous. Like there's so many. It comes from a hobbit country, baby. Yeah. There's so many exotic fruits where you're like, it doesn't look like that's too on the nose dragon fruit. Can't actually look like something from a video game, like a, like a crafting, like cozy video game fruit. One of the best parts of my neighborhood is there's a lot of Vietnamese people in my neighborhood who do front yard gardening. Like they'll have very elaborate food gardens in the front yard where, you know, some of my other neighbors just have like brown grass.

Yeah, struggling, struggling 365 days a year to have a front lawn one of the main things that's going on is these like incredible rube goldberg trellises of dragon fruits and dragon fruits grow on like a weird looking cactus vine and it will be a trellis made out of you know 700 popsicle sticks and and 12 straws and different things have plastic bags tied it is the coolest fucking thing and then there's this fat fucking dragon fruits growing on there the craziest looking fruit in the world land of the lost ass fruit and what's crazy to me about a dragon fruit in particular is that it looks truly bananas. It's like pink and it has scales and the inside is white with those little tiny specks in there.

It's like it came from the mind of James Cameron. It is bananas looking, much more so even than bananas. Something you fuck on Pandora. Unobtain a fruit it is it is perhaps the single mildest fruit available like it is almost flavorless the name is incorrect it's like we have built this trellis and these extraordinary vines across the entire like it is like uh about as much flavor as jicama. Sweet jicama.

Yeah. It's like how you imagined you would build an incredible habit trail for your hamster when you were 10 years old, just like the level of equipment involved in growing these vines. And they're just sitting there, like, doing the same thing they would be in a straight rectangular glass box. They're the most extraordinary. Yeah, exactly. And they're the most extraordinary, like just the wildest, most beautiful fruit in the world.

And you take a bite out of it and you're like, well, it's wet. Yeah. It's got a vaguely fruity texture. It is beige inside and it tastes beige. Yeah. What about these little seeds? Is it like vanilla beans? No, they don't do anything. They don't beige inside and it tastes beige. Yeah. What about these little seeds? Is it like vanilla beans? No, they don't do anything.

They don't add anything to it. Nope. Look, at the end of the day, if you want to eat a tropical fruit that looks like it came out of a 12-foot long lizard, you're going to want to stick to cherimoyas, which have a rich, almost bubble gummy flavor and a custard-like texture, along with those gargantuan seeds that are fun to spit out. So right next to the Grove, there's the original farmer's market. And they have multiple vegetable stands.

And a couple of times a year, you're there and you're like, oh, yeah, they have dragon fruit or they have passion fruit, whatever, the exotic fruits. And you're like- Tamarins there? Yeah. And you're like, okay, they're always like, you know like tamarins there yeah and you're like okay they're always like you know anytime you see a fruit and it's like got the like styrofoam wrapping around the individual yeah fruit and like maybe you get two of them at a time versus like the plums and

the grapefruit they're just in a giant bin you know banging up against each other you're like oh this this is like a delicacy i should purchase of these. And then you go home and you're just like, no, nobody eats this. There's a reason why nobody eats this. It's incredibly whatever. It's just a garden variety orange just destroys this in a 1v1 matchup. There's no, that's a basic, pretty good orange. It's amazing. I'm a big fan of, just on the subject of fruit that's wrapped in that styrofoam netting, between my house and our office, if I drive on surface streets, there are a few big Korean grocery stores. In Korea, like Japan, is like a big gift fruit culture.

Right. Giving fruit is a big cultural thing. And so they will have a regular produce area and a gift produce area. Like a VIP produce. Yeah, exactly. And like, honestly, the regular produce area I will stop at just because it is better than the regular produce area at the grocery stores by my house. So I can just get better. You guys know I'm a fucking nasty freak for Satsumas.

When it's Satsuma season, that's where this good Satsuma action is at, is at the Korean grocery store. Very famous Bette Davis song, Freak for Satsumas. You know, she turned Miles Davis onto Satsumas. A lot of people don't know that. Was not a big citrus cat. He was still playing hard bop, and she convinced him to try a more flavorful citrus. But in that gift fruit area, they'll have melons, they'll have, you know, Asian pears. Only pears I fuck with.

And they all cost, like one of the melons costs, you know asian pears only pears i fuck with and they all cost like one of the melons cost you know 15 or whatever cost like double what it would cost triple what it would cost regular but you buy one of those and you're like fuck this is all i should eat yeah why am i buying food from a restaurant when i could eat one of these 15 cantaloupes this is the greatest shit i've ever eaten in my life the japanese don't eat fruit unless it's really fucking amazing perspective like like if you think about it like if you just because it's a small island nation yeah but if you if you add that to your day-to-day, like, I'm not messing with it unless it's really, really good. I'm not just eating this lame, random wedge of orange because it's there on top of my omelet.

Like, I'm not doing that unless it's— Going to make this shit count. Yeah, make it count. Nick, I want to back up to something you mentioned briefly a few minutes ago you mentioned a video game genre that i was only made aware of recently which is the cozy game yeah it's the new shit apparently just you know nobody's trying to murder you there's no aliens yeah there's not some kid in like upstate new y New York who's calling you racial slurs. It's just like we got the unpacking.

My daughter was playing the unpacking. Someone was explaining unpacking to me. Yeah, that looks fun. I'll have a slight spoiler for unpacking come. I've not played this game, but I have had it explained to me. This is a game where... Nick, have you played this or is this something your kids are playing? I've not played this game, but I have had it explained to me. This is a game where... And Nick, have you played this or is this something your kids are playing? I've watched my daughter play it. So I guess

it's a game where you unpack, like you move and you unpack. I think you have moved. You have moved. And so it's this character moving through their lives and unpacking at their various places. And there's a level that's after

a divorce. So you have immediately just half your stuff is gone. I think that's actually something that happens in the game. Like one level is just you sorting books. I'm not going to read this. Their book, my book. Neither of us are going to read this

But she's going to want it Because she's a fucking bitch This one we got from her aunt For Christmas Never going to read it But her aunt's really sweet So I don't want to throw it away Because now I'm an asshole

And it's like she wants the fucking books But she's the one who's condoing all her shit So you know if you just give it to her It's going to end up at the fucking Goodwill, whereas you actually want to hang on to it. I'm going to display it. If not read it, I'm going to display it at least, you know. I mean, you're the one that only watches documentaries. Come on.

She doesn't even know. But it is funny because everything has to be part of a franchise these days. This character who's doing this, it is Blanca. Yeah. Because we got the license. license unpacking after a divorce yeah just like electrifying all these fucking books and burning them up like i can't do it fucking petty ass blanca what happens in unpacking like what is the challenge of the game i've only watched a little bit of it but i think it's sort of like an animal crossing like the challenge is just

unpacking and unpacking more. And then you get to unpack another thing. I don't know. I thought in Animal Crossing you grow fruit to trade via letter with your neighbors. That's how I remember it. Oh, you grow fruit, you cut your grass, you build. But like, you know, it's ultimately the game in and of itself is the challenge. Just being in it.

It's just, it's a hangout. You know, it's just, you're hanging out in this little cozy, cool world with fun music. And then you have to be confronted by the reality that sometimes relationships end. Then you put down the sticks and you go out into the cold, cold world. Chapter five, mommy and daddy are fighting. No, no. Oh God. daddy's staying echo park tonight why divorced dad country because that's where vanessa lives who's vanessa chapter three vanessa takes us to disneyland you only take us to Knott's Berry Farm.

Come on. Come on. Yeah, I love that video. Because we talked about this a couple weeks ago on the show, that a plot point in the new Street Fighter game they have yet to release is that Ken is divorced. No, why? Wait, there's a plot in the Street Fighter games?

Yeah. Plot point in Street Fighter games is the biggest red flag i've ever heard i thought the plot of street fighter games is a guy with the swoopy haircut is fighting a guy whose arms stretch really long here's the entire plot of a good street fighter game are you ready ready fight round one fight round two fight different guy wins that round three fight yeah oh wow round three yeah it's one of those down down that's the plot it's one of those things where like they did not start with trying to have a plot but because nerds yeah they have kind of tried to like create a little story for this that kind of makes sense and all the games kind of happen out of order.

So that one girl from my high school could do the monologue of double from double dragon, the movie acting segment of our introduction to the arts class. Exactly. That's why that happened. But yeah. And then I guess part of the, the new game,

part of Ken's backstory can, of course, Ryu's friend, friend, frenemy. Yeah. I i mean i think uneasy allies yeah they have different you know world views yeah can i ask you a question yeah you know the guy that's his arm stretch really long yeah i'm a dalsim sure does that guy have friends boy i don't know if i have i don't know if i know his

backstory i don't i'm sorry one day he figured out that his arms could stretch a lot longer than most people yeah he's like hey i should beat some dudes up and i can breathe fire i have two things great at the cookout great at the cookout he's up in the softball game, but he's still flipping the burgers. I got the whole part covered. And he's fucking your wife. The dick is going in your house. Does his dick stretch out? It extends. We have to.

I'm sorry. That's the. What parts of him would you say do and don't extend? Doll Sim from Street Fighter. All the limbs. And then, you know what goes with that. You know what goes with that. You don't have to say it. It's a family podcast.

What if his lips extended so he'd go nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, really good to faraway places? Or just like he's also just going down on like your aunt from the same spot so he's farting your wife and eating your wife yeah you can fuck your whole family yeah eating your auntie's pussy he could foot job your cousin well you got some freaks in your family this is one of everything your cousin loves a good footy that guy that guy and i got another cousin who's really into watching f1 so some pretty nasty freaks and my cousins the foot job cousin the guy who fucking stays up late to watch european sports yeah the the

american guy who just like has to watch something not in america i call bullshit on that guy just in general you got a satellite dish it's 2022 what are you doing with a giant satellite dish on your roof you just had to know how hufflepuff did last night whatever you're watching camel racing my theory about that guy is that he's just an alcoholic who wants an excuse to go to a bar at 7 a.m. He's like, oh, I like soccer too much. Oh, there's no drunk in Los Angeles, like day drunk at the farmer's market. And you're like, oh, it's like not even like 1 p.m. yet. And you guys are just hammered watching.

Oh, I support Arsenal. I'm an Arsenal supporter. Is that what I need to be i support arsenal i'm an arsenal supporter is that what i need to be today to be respectable as an arsenal right yeah sure i'm not an alcoholic i'm international i mean i'd like tottenham also so if they're playing i will watch i'm also a tottenham supporter yeah he's like here's the tottenham song. Ole, ole, ole, ole. Let's all kill us Spaniards. Yeah. Like, I just need to support enough Premier League teams to get me through the week without getting a side eye. Like, I'll take it.

Yeah. He's like, I developed a whole racism against North Africans just so I could drink at 7 o'clock in the morning. And it's not about race. It's just about, like, the kind of – it's just the way that they play, Jesse. It's not about the – It's the style of their play. It's too athletic and good. It's just about like the kind of, it's just the way that they play, Jesse. It's not about. It's the style of their play. It's too athletic and good. It's the style of play.

I only watch cricket to cover up my heroin habit. Here's something interesting I recently learned about high level soccer or as they call it football. Yeah. Every country has their own team. The answer is something called the World Cup. They all have a coach called manager, and all the managers are named Jurgen. It's a title bestowed upon you like a knight. Yeah.

From FIFA. Like the Algerian World Cup team, they have a coach named Jurgen. Nigeria, Jurgen Kolopopoko i think is his name you get to be a jurgen it's like becoming a jedi knight for soccer you're an apprentice jurgen it doesn't matter if you're a if you're a yoda or a samuel jackson jurgen there's always two jur, a master and an apprentice.

Soccer is so European that they're just like, no, I'm not wearing the fucking uniform. I'm like, no, I'm going to wear a nice suit and a parka. Don't be stupid. He's like, honestly, I look fucking good. That's what those soccer coaches say. They're like, I look too good for that shit. Basketball coaches are about 50-50. Like there are some basketball coaches who look good.

And then there are some who are kind of wearing like Under Armour polo shirts and like a suit from the men's warehouse. Well, and they just after the pandemic, they just they went casual during the pandemic and they just stayed. But they don't wear suits anymore. And it is my biggest pet peeve. And I want it to stop so badly. You look like a dad. You look like an AAU dad. You're on television.

You're making millions of dollars. Put a suit on. Like if you're a news anchor, if you're like, come on, put a suit on. You don't have to wear pants. You can do a full news anchor. Just get a sport, get the top half together and we'll work on the rest. Kyle Shanahan, who is the NFL football coach of the San Francisco 49ers, my favorite football club. I'm a 49er supporter.

He is like really into the licensed garb but in the nfl you're only you're required to wear certain licensed garb because of yeah like they just give it to you before the game and you have to pick from a certain thing right but he basically dresses like a guy who beats you up for pursuing a recreational activity in their neighborhood or whatever like uh surfing in the wrong waves or skateboarding in the wrong skate park he's in marin county and you're like cross the line yeah except he's in irvine but yeah 100 he's in irvine or possibly a suburb of Atlanta that I'm not familiar enough with to make a specific reference to. Atlanta, email in your suggestions, please. He will wear, and it's the same with the San Francisco Giants manager, Gabe Kapler. Gabe Kapler looks like an international male model, like 100%. he's 45 years old or whatever and he is yoked just

completely ripped and he always has one of those semi beards but it is perfect it is like a manicure like he was john b like the guy who has like you got to line it up every morning like you wake up and just immediately shape up your beard a hundred percent he like tours like many times i've told the story of the time i met wesley snipes because my auntie's brother was his personal hairdresser that traveled with him everywhere so he could always keep his his shape tight and i'm sure that gabe capler does the same like there's a guy who can really cut a line who shapes Gabe Kapler's semi-beard every morning, like sets the razor to size one quarter.

This is the razor that they use to sharpen your razors. That's what I get my shape over it. Speaking of beards, Repeat's looking great with the salt and pepper beard lately. Yeah, this guy's starting to become a silver fox here. It's the only benefit of being bearded, I think, ultimately. Yeah, the salt and pepper. Professorial Lester Freeman look.

Nick, I have a question for you. I was looking at your Instagram yesterday, and I saw your two beautiful children dressed in full powwow garb. And I know that your wife is Native American. You guys go to powwows. What are your top powwow activities? That was actually from, we went to Ho-Chunk. My wife is Winnebago.

So we went to Nebraska. And my kids, who were feathered years ago, they were named. So they were given their Ho-Chunk names. I have not been to that many powwows. I've been to the UCLA powwow, which happens every year in Westwood. You know, so that one, it's like, you know. Westwood's not quite Oklahoma when it comes to. It's not quite Oklahoma.

But the university powwows, I think, are actually some of the bigger ones just because they have, you know, the white man's money to draw from. They got that recreation department money. The crazy thing is that wherever you are, basically, there's a university and they have like a Native American student association probably somewhere close to you. And you can, you know, UCLA, Stanford, like all the big universities tend to have a student association and they do a powwow and they're it's it's it's actually really really amazing the amount of like culture that you can be exposed to like in a day you know what i mean like you get oh okay yeah they're all still here they're still alive and they're still doing their thing with music and dance and art. It starts at 7 a.m. with the Formula One.

Yeah, yeah. You get the F1 race around the powwow grounds, and then the dancing starts. It's amazing. Yeah. I got no follow-ups on that. I was just interested to know what you get up to. It always looks fun when you post pictures on Instagram.

They got their Indian name. They're official. They're in. You can't take it away from them anymore. How do they get assigned? There has to be someone in the, it depends on, you know, tribe to tribe, but like in Ho-Chunk, it's like, it has to be given to them from a combat veteran. So there has to be someone who, like, so the guy that, he also named my wife, he named our kids and he's, you know, in his 70s or whatever now, he was a Vietnam veteran, in his 70s or whatever now.

He was a Vietnam veteran. But that's just the tradition. It has to come from a combat veteran. And so it's kind of very informal. And they have to, you know, know your family in some way. And you agree to do it. Do, like, grandmas get involved in lobbying a little bit? No, yeah.

There's totally a, like, I want my son or daughter to, you know, get named. And also it's like, this guy's really old. And so there's like, he might die. And I might, you know, like, there's no. I thought you meant like, he's just naming everyone Dobie Gillis or whatever. No, it's just that. Just like outdated cultural references. You don't know when you'll get a chance to do it.

You know, like, there's not. He names everyone Icebox. It's not like you can just do it every to do it. You know, like there's not. He names everyone Icebox. It's not like you can just do it every July 3rd. You know what I mean? There has to be someone around to do it. So if you miss an opportunity, you might have to wait several years. You know, some people get named when they're 15. Some people get named when they're like seven, you know, because.

How does like how does that person select the name? I guess I don't know anything about it. Yeah. It's like you're supposed to try to figure out something, you know, get how does like how does that person select the name? I guess I don't know anything about it. Yeah. It's like you're supposed to try to figure out something, you know, get to know the person and their family and what their personalities are like. And they were like, well, I'm really into Fortnite. Yeah. Yeah. But it was amazing.

It would be terrible if they did a bad job. No. Yeah. Just like there's no backseas on that. You know, Maurice, my son's like native american name is maurice that wouldn't be great you're like wow i guess we could call him mo like that's not that bad it's got a certain charm maury seems like a bad thing to call him mo rice no no just maurice it actually pred, and Fire. Okay? It was around before you guys.

Just after Earth, Wind, and Fire, everybody was getting named Maurice. After Maurice White of Earth, Wind, and Fire. Someone had to be the first Maurice. Like, we don't know who it was. We don't know. Jalen Rose talks about how he was the first Jalen. You guys want to research the the first maurice and uh come back for a little bit more yeah i'm actually uh i'm gonna look into how many people were named

kc from 1979 to 1982 and we'll be back in just a second on jordan jessico It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Okay, so first of all, our thanks to the members of Maximum Fun. If you are listening to this and you're a member of Maximum Fun, you are supporting our program directly. We're very grateful for it. It's the reason we have this show. Also, this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, Jesse, you know this crazy life thing that we're currently smack dab in the middle of? Oh yeah, this crazy little thing called love?

Yeah, this crazy little thing called love slash life. Yeah. On this wacky blue marble that's just spinning throughout the galaxy. Spinning through the marble madness on the Amiga that is the galaxy. Yes. Where she stops, nobody knows. But hey, this wacky little ride we're on called life does not have an instruction manual. Marble Madness did. Told you how to play the game.

Yeah. But life does not have an instruction manual. So oftentimes you'll find yourself in a situation where you're just like, what the heck am I going to do here? What the heck, life? For those situations, Jesse and I are big fans of going to therapy. It might feel a little bit weird to try. It might feel a little bit weird to say that you want to look into therapy. But once you get in there, it is really, really helpful. I do it every week. I think, Jesse,

once a week for you, Jesse? Once a week? Bi-weekly? Twice a month? Twice a week, baby. Twice a week. Yeah, it's two different subjects, but yeah, twice a week, bi-weekly, twice a month? Twice a week, baby. Twice a week. Yeah, it's two different subjects, but yeah, twice a week. It is awesome. Again, if you get over that initial discomfort to give it a shot, it can really, really be helpful. There's a lot of ways to get therapy. You can go to a community clinic. You can ask your doctor for recommendations. But one option we think you should check out is BetterHelp. They're the world's largest therapy service.

They have matched 3 million people with professionally licensed and vetted therapists available 100% online. Plus, it's affordable. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with a therapist. If things aren't clicking, you can easily switch to a new therapist anytime. It couldn't be simpler. No waiting rooms, no traffic, no endless searching for the right therapist. Learn more and save 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash jjgo.

That's b-e-t-t-e-r-h-e-l-p dot com slash jjgo. We're also supported this week by the folks over there at Lumi Labs, the micro dosing experts. Jesse, I was having a little bit of trouble sleeping last night. Had a lot on my mind. The room was a little uncomfortable. I popped in a micro dose gummy from our buds at Lumi Labs. Conked right out. Felt great. These things taste good, too. They're really good. Yes. Sometimes eating a gummy of this type, not just a standard Haribo gummy, but an active gummy, let's say, sometimes it tastes a little bit like you're eating a Haribo gummy, but also some grass.

Yeah. Just from the ground, like a cow. This just tastes like a delicious gummy. And you can customize it so you get just the right amount of those good, good THC vibes. Yeah. I actually had a buddy who was, I had a buddy with a buddy. I had a friend with a friend who was trying to introduce said friend to THC for the first time. This bud had never taken THC before, and they went right to LumiLabs.

So yeah, even if you're not a big stony baloney head, you can check out LumiLabs. It is, you don't have to be. You don't have to be a big stony baloney head. You don't have to be Jerry Garcia to nom these things. Anybody can do it. Let me put it this way. It helps if you got some Cherry Garcia around. Yeah.

Never a bad thing, my friend. Microdose is available nationwide. To learn more about microdosing THC, go to microdose.com and use code JJGO to get free shipping and 30% off your first order. Links can be found in the show description. But again, that's microdose.com, code JJGO. And Jordan, for folks who are in Southern California, I am gonna be live in person

at the South Pasadena Vintage Flea Market on Saturday, December 17th. It's gonna be a nice time. Come say hi, meet my tiny van. If you wanna meet my tiny Japanese van. Had some fans come by last time, had a a nice time. Come say hi. Meet my tiny van. If you want to meet my tiny Japanese van. Had some fans come by last time. Had a real nice time hanging out there with stuff from the Put This On Shop. And if you're not in Southern California, go to putthisonshop.com and get somebody a holiday gift.

A lot of good gifts. A lot of good gifts. Whatever the holiday is. Midwinter solstice. That's what my Aunt Gail celebrates. It's beautiful. A beautiful time of year did you know when we send out an email newsletter my aunt gail sends back an email

about how happy she is about how successful we are it's really nice she's a nice woman she would buy a gift for somebody that she cared about it put this on shop.com probably would hey gang jordan here breaking in with a very exciting piece of news it's the launch of the new maximum fun shop over at max fun store.com and as part of the launch we've got brand new jordan jesse go t-shirts for sale just in time for the holidays we've got the hall of fame nicknames t-shirt featuring radio sweetheartheart, Boy Detective, and also three of the greatest guest nicknames of all time, Repeat, Clankity Car, and Explodo. We've also got the Saying Words t-shirt. Saying Words, of course, will be written in a beautiful calligraphy font there on the front

because what is a podcast if not saying words? These shirts are available in a variety of colors and sizes and are made of 100% combed and ring spun pre shrunk cotton. And they're designed by our very own Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Seriously, head on over to maxfundstore.com and check out these beautiful shirts. Grab one for the Jordan Jesse Go fan in your life or for yourself. If you're the Jordan Jesse Go fan in your life, maxfundstore.com and search by show for Jordan Jesse Go. Order them now in time for the holidays. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, you're kind of getting into a scat place with her you're getting into word jazz here scat cast subscribe to my scat cast was this your time working on the musical animated show central park is that made you more musical you and mike eagle writing raps together or whatever oh my god i would oh i would love to just write stupid rap songs with open mic eagle as a job. That would be amazing.

I was curious about what your contribution as a writer is to the musical part of that show. Yeah, I mean, you try to come in to all the songs. They're all based on the story of the episode. And so you have a perspective of what the song is going to be about. And with that song, it was super personal. And so it was just kind of like a black dad who was like, this is I've raised my kids in about as safe an environment as you can raise them a castle in the middle of Central Park. And still people are going to be racist against them. So just putting yourself in that headspace and just like, you know, there was a couple of lines and then this vibes that you described to him

and he just like went bananas and like, it was great. And that's personal to you, Nick, just because you, we should say you've raised your children in a castle in Griffith park, Los Angeles. We live around the corner from Jones on third,

which is the LA equivalent of a castle in Central Park. I think that's about as close as you can go. That's why there was so much of that song in Central Park that was about that one cougar that lives in. It was pretty shitty of you. I was trying to bring you back your Blu-ray of Fast Five and you dumped that boiling oil on me. Got to keep it me? Gotta keep it gotta keep it real in West 3rd Street. Jordan, you

shouldn't have tried to return it with a trebuchet. You gave the wrong impression. Okay, you know what? Okay, now I see it. We were both wrong. Let's just say we were both wrong. You've come over here in one of your siege machines before. You know. How am I going to pick up babes?

Without a siege machine. How am I going to lay siege to that ass? Jordan knows what it's like to live in the heart of Los Angeles. Thank you. Mid-city west. Thank you. Not Beverly Hills. Not West Hollywood.

Jordan meets girls primarily by building enormous hollow wooden horses. They're like, I wonder what's in there. A lot of horse girls out there. Oh, listen. I have written a few lyrics to songs for shows I've worked on. Nothing at all personal, but silly goofball songs. And the tunes always change because they give it to someone musical. songs and the tunes always change because they give it to someone musical but just to kind of like sell the song a little bit i'll always kind of make up a little tune and like sing it into my phone and kind of email it with the script of like okay this is the song and here is a tune just kind of to give you an idea of what i was going for and those because I do it on my phone, those save in my phone's guts for some reason. And sometimes when I get in the car and a random shuffle comes on, there will be a few

minutes of me as Unikitty singing about living under the sea. What do you tell your Lyft passengers, Jordan? I tell them this is my shit. I give them my SoundCloud link It's coming out next year I'm not just a driver The other people from the casual carpool You're like look if you want to ride In the carpool lane You're going to have to listen to Unikitty Sung by me

One of my favorite moments as a writer On Black-ish we had Jill Scott do a song You know the youngest daughter Is like going through her Hair care journey as a Black woman and deciding how she wants to wear her hair and what she wants to do. And Jill Scott is the hairdresser. And the whole idea was it's a kind of school days homage to Black hair care. And Jill Scott leaves a voicemail for the head writer of the show. And it's just like, I don't know.

I was thinking about something like this. And then we just get like a minute and a half of just Jill Scott scatting and bebopping in this guy's cell phone. And you're like, yes, exactly that. Exactly. Just do that. Whatever you want, Jill Scott. Can we be friends? Can we hold hands, Jill Scott?

Will you smile at me one time? Just smile at me and do a little scatting and then just move on to the next writer and I will die happy. It was so incredible. I have one beautiful scat thing that I will say happened to me. Technically, I watched it on television live. But, you know, the Houston Astros recently won the World Series, which I know America has very mixed feelings about because- America's favorite soccer team, I think it's soccer. Yeah, I think that's correct, NBA fan Nick Adams.

But the Houston Astros won and they were managed by Dusty Baker, who is the longtime manager of my favorite team, the Giants, and is like one of the coolest guys ever. Like he hit the majors when he was 18. His mentor and father figure was Henry Aaron. He's been a manager for like 30 years and he had never won a World Series. From back in the days when black people played baseball, is Dusty Baker's era. Yes. And he talks about that. He's been a wonderful advocate for African-American baseball players throughout his life and career. He co-invented the high five. That's fucking Dusty Baker. Just turn it, turn it up. I was the first guy to just like turn it. I guess you do need, you need two people to invent the high five, at least two. Yeah. You can't do it by yourself. You can yourself. The guy that invented it with him was one of the first, at least privately out to his team gay players, Glenn Burke. So another

very, very cool guy. They invented high fives together. But anyway, Dusty Baker won this World Series that was like, this guy's headed to the Hall of Fame, but this seals it. He finally won his World Series. He's 70-something years old. And he sits down with the Fox studio team, Frank Thomas and David Ortiz and these guys. And they're talking to him about what the World Series meant to him. And Dusty's anecdote about what winning the World Series meant to him. And Dusty's anecdote about what winning the World Series meant to him at this age was he goes, you know, one time I was having dinner with Scatman Carruthers. He was on Chico and the Man.

Love it. Love it. This is the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life. And he goes, you're going to get 15 years to enjoy your life after 60 years of busting ass and i'm like yes that is scatman carothers gave that advice to he played curly neil on the harlem globetrotters cartoon show and he fucking showed dusty baker the way way to live. And Hong Kong Fooey tells you how it's gonna go down as a black man in the like 80s into the

90s. You just have to understand you've gotten wisdom. At some point you're gonna meet Scooby Doo. There's gonna be some weird shit happening at a theme park. Pull the guy's mask off. Don't be scared. It's not...

Nip it at the bud. Okay, when something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN or just send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Here's one momentous occasion. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. This is Eleanor calling from Portland, Oregon with a momentous occasion.

Last night, me and my boyfriend were coming home from a Halloween party, dressed, of course, as sexy Kermit and Miss Piggy. And we're getting into the car that we called. And I slide into my seat and my boyfriend walks in front of the car to go around and he's wearing a sparkly pink prom dress that doesn't zip all the way that I found on the sidewalk and a very cheap wig and pig ears and a feather boa and he gets in the car and the driver says you are one sexy motherfucker how many hearts have you broken tonight and it was an extremely strong opening to a very long and unforgettable ride home so love you a lot thanks for everything bye driver was just dressed as big

dick fozzy so we all fucked man that's right i was hoping that was going jesse seized on my first thought immediately she said sexy kermit sexy kermit is implied you do not need to add a sexy oh yeah to any kermit you seen that motherfucker drinking that tea when he puts a turtleneck sweater on come on come on yeah i mean this guy this guy got his legs insured like he was jess Lange or whoever the fuck it is and insured their legs. I don't remember. Somebody did. You guys know what the rainbow connection is?

That's fucking. Yeah, it's a lot of fucking. Every color of the spectrum gets fucked. If we're going to look in the chat here, Daniel apparently is letting us know that the caller has sent in a photo. Oh, shit. the caller has sent in a photo oh shit and if twitter still exists by the time that this podcast is released we will share this on the jordan jesse go twitter wow yeah heartbreaker is right okay i think speaking as a sash that says birthday queen that's a little confusing yeah yeah she's looking pretty fine this boyfriend yeah that also that was all-time

level elocution like i'm not a big asmr person but that was the kind of diction where i can see kind of maybe jerking it a little bit a little like not a full maybe maybe not a full just like halfway through no not november you're like i just need a little taste i think my remember's a long month you gotta rub your dick to miss piggy i think my personal the part of this outfit that I am most enjoying here, or this couple's outfit, is Miss Piggy here, he is wearing what is clearly a prom dress that was found on the sidewalk. Yeah, just a straight East of the Five, you know level yeah this is a prom dress found in torrents and pig ears and a pig nose and it's it's clear with a feather boa that this is miss p there's no doubt about that no fat shaming just he's wearing the dress you don't it's implied you don't have to do that you don't have to stuff

it's it's technically his shapeless body shaming but you know that's yeah sure it's not a problem it's part of the fun eleanor i believe is her name our caller she's more wearing like all key lime green standard sexy outfit kind of you know like a hot kermit like right yeah but what i like about eleanor is that the one element of her outfit that isn't just regular clothes that happen to be green is just the most bootleg homemade ass fucking frog eyes on top of her. Oh, I didn't even I didn't even acknowledge. Truly look like they're made out of Sharpie and toilet paper. Really terrifying and unsettling. I didn't notice them.

I just love the chutzpah of that. She clearly got him his whole outfit. There's no doubt that she's the creative one of this couple based on the tone of her call. And he has professional quality pig nose and pig ears that make it clear. And she just, she forgot to go on Alibaba in time to order frog eye headband. And so she just made it out of some crepe paper and a dry erase marker. As someone who is 100% not crafty at all, just like ping pong balls and black magic marker would have been 100 times better than whatever this terrifying eye monstrosity is. Is it possible that there are still supply chain issues in the ping pong ball industry and that's what happened here?

Does anybody else find it a little ironic that we're roasting the frog and not the pig? Usually the pig's the one you roast. Anybody else think it's kind of funny? Guys, it seems like the apple's in our mouths, okay? Turnabout is fair play here. So we have been talking about the song Powerhouse, the factory song from Looney Tunes. People have been calling in their own lyrics. So we have moved to a new standard, which is that all of these songs need to be about either Rick Moranis or another cast member of SCTV.

Obviously, I think maybe our call out previously was a little Tom Kenny song. We were specifically looking for SCTV. And Daniel told us there is a new song that someone has called in. I can only presume it's about Rick Moranis or Dave Thomas, Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara, something like that. So let's give it a listen. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. Sun will rise soon, so best get going. This is just the same lady that called in before. But this is like a remix, right?

Yeah. I'd love to hear some ad-libs from diddy on this saturday sunday monday tuesday wield your time like riding a dragon dj khaled between manhattan transfer in timberland i feel the agenda spin those plates this fast no faster in Timbaland. Anyone can get Fruity Loops. This is 2022. Let's get some drums on the track. Is this doing anything for your ASMR, Nick?

I just want to give it to mad lib give it to mad lib for like 45 minutes jordan i'm giving your uncle a foot job you wouldn't believe right now so say there's a ted i'm talking ted baby oh my gosh i call him teddy big dick on the agenda chew on the agenda okay daniel that's enough of this song first of all obviously this woman has done the best job overall of writing and singing this song i think the first time we heard this we felt bad because she did such a good job and you know i think some of the you know maybe the theme of the song is the kind of you know crushing monotony of the workaday world we i think we were all impressed that you know she was able to you know kind of have that marriage of uh of you know where you usually hear the song and then the theme to the lyrics we thought that was

very clever it's fucking bullshit because it's not about rick moranis which is obviously we established that we want these to be about rick moranis i mean maybe if it was about joe flaherty yeah it would be fine if it was about you like joe flaherty sir has he had the success since scdb that rick moranis has no but he's done some great stuff like it's not like joe flaherty's not chopped liver you know what i mean like this guy's brought a lot to the entertainment industry literally no one has called in a set of lyrics to the looney tunes factory song powerhouse that are about joe flaherty and she's trying to sing like a contemporary commentary on the workaday world that sort of flips the script so to speak on the traditional sort of world that sort of flips the script, so to speak, on the traditional sort of

unionized factory, middle-class labor, and the kind of existential dread that comes from not seeing the product of your work in the same way, because you work in this white-collar environment where you're really clocking in and clocking out in a kind of absent manner, and you're not guaranteed the security that the union or, you know, a company town once guaranteed you when she obviously should be doing something about fucking Catherine O'Hara, who is a genius. She's the mom in Home Alone. Catherine O'Hara is amazing. Like you watch Home Alone as an adult. And like when you were a kid, you kind of thought she was just a generic mom. And then you watch it as an adult and you're like no she's a fucking

genius she's fucking hilarious now they're just movies coming out on fucking amazon and hulu and people are just doing movies back in the day it was like this is an actual goddamn movie that they're putting in theaters and everyone's like rolling the dice and like please oh my god let us make this make us some some money and they find this lady to be a mom who's like a seasoned comedy professional or eugene levy and john candy are just in like rando like movies like armed and dangerous they're really really stupid and funny, they're just so funny because this is all they've done for a decade. These people are doing such great work. And it's like, imagine, just think about it this way. You are on a show that arguably is both better than

and has a deeper, longer lasting cultural impact than even Saturday Night Live. Like, I think an argument can be made for that. This is an extraordinary show full of gifted performers. They all come from another country. They make such an impact on Canadian television that they end up sneaking into American television and basically changing the lives of a generation of comedy professionals who grew up feeling like they knew this secret thing, you know, this special, secret, extraordinary generation defining thing that led them to create Mr. Show or whatever, right? That led them to write on Larry Sanders, that led them to work on the Harvard Lampoon and

then move to season three of The Simpsons, right? And that whole time that Catherine O'Hara and all these brilliant performers are making this special thing, they're probably thinking, thinking, one day, some dipshits that are friends from college will create something called a podcast that goes directly using technology I can't yet conceive of to the homes of literally dozens of people. And some of those people might write a song about us and like the work that we've done, the contributions we've made to the culture, literally internationally, right? Literally intergenerationally, the pleasure and happiness that we have brought to so many people, they'll probably do it,

hopefully do it to the theme of the factory song from Looney Tunes powerhouse. And here's this woman trying to do some fucking post-modern satire and right now joe flaherty whether he's dead or not and i think he may be is crying right because he waited crying in canadian heaven. He waited 40 years for this. And people are calling in some shit about mitochondria or whatever. Jesus Christ. Still alive. 81 years old.

Show some fucking respect for Joe Flaherty. And guess what? A fucking American. Yeah. That's right. Canada. Suck it. Canada, suck it. Insult to injury.

In conclusion, Canada can suck it. You're absolutely right, Nick. Because I don't hear any Canadians calling in to celebrate literally the greatest Canadians of all time. Sorry, Jean Chrétien. Sorry, a famous Mountie who saved a

life of a well child or whatever sorry it's like a child in a well yeah it's called well children child you know what i got i went ahead and spent the money and got a top shelf child you can you maybe you get your children out straight out of the gun but yeah well i mean I get the premium. Less likely for the child to give you a hangover if you go for the top shelf job. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Manolo, guess what? Manolo, guess what? What, what, what?

Dr. Game Choice made it to 100 episodes on Maximum Fun. Oh, that's true. I knew that. Well, to celebrate, we are releasing our entire Earwolf archives to MaxFun members. That's anyone who gives $5 or more monthly to support podcasts like Dr. Game Show. That's 63 episodes with in-studio comedian guests like Jason Manzoukas, Bowen Yang, and Matt Rogers, Joe Pera, Todd Berry and Janine Garofalo, Connor O'Malley, Chris Gethard and more. Plus three bonus episodes that include two pilot episodes.

Wow, two pilots must be good. Find the feed at MaximumFun.org slash BOCO, B-O-C-O. Stands for bonus content. Bonus content. Mm-hmm. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Presenting the new MaxFunStore.com. We've got shirts for your torso, hats for your head,

drinkware for your finest beverages, and so much more. Starring your favorite MaxFun shows with new and classic designs. Find the perfect gift for the podcast fan in your life. Heck, that could be you. We're not judging. Head to MaxFunStore.com now. That's MaxFunStore.com. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nick, repeat Adams.

Nick, you're working on a pretty thrilling project, and I've been holding this under my hat for quite some time. I had orders that I could not speak about this project publicly. It's finally been revealed in what we call the trades. That's what I call auto trader what we call the trades that's what i call uh auto trader as the trades nick you're trying to get rid of a nissan maxima it runs great low mileage like only three seats yeah it's got an aftermarket stereo got a spoiler on it but a premium aftermarket stereo aftermarket spoiler unfortunately technically it's a spoiler from an 87 supra but it fits pretty much you know the color is off a little bit but you can match it you just have to reapply the dry erase marker

regularly because it will wear off and why why are you eyeballing my spoiler? Like, why are you that concerned? Just let me live. Let me get my down drip. Just buy the spoiler, dude. Just buy the fucking Maxima. Give me the 500 bucks. I'll give you the fucking Maxima. I got the keys right here.

I want cash, money, or we go to your bank to get the cashier's check together. Maybe you don't register it. I don't know. Maybe it's off the books. Let's just do the thing. Use the maximum for whatever you fucking want. I don't know. I don't know.

Not my problem. So I was selling my daughter's old bed on Craigslist. And, you know, you get all these messages from from scammers, primarily just people trying to get you to give them a 300 deposit on their american express travelers check they send you or whatever the fuck daughter's bed is in kenya in a castle somewhere yeah i'll buy your daughter's bed and then i'll destroy this video of you jacking off why would you destroy it you never know he's not a good scammer i got a text message that i've been thinking about like in a sort of melancholic way since i received it that said uh

hope is still available for sales i don't know if it ever was for sale. Sounds like some fucking shit. Matthew McConaughey mumbles in a weed haze. Do you ever feel like we, we tried to buy it back in 2008 and the check bounced. Yeah. The best thing we ever discovered was free cycling.

We live in, as Jordan knows, a very walkable, pretty dense area of Los Angeles. And at a certain point, I think it may be when we moved, my wife was like, what are we going to do with this? And I was just like, let's put it out on the sidewalk. And she was like, do you think? And it was like 30 seconds later, it was just gone. And I was like, this is the most amazing thing.

We could have made like 20 bucks or you know like haggling and then you gotta text back and forth with the person and they gotta come or this person will never show up when they say they will they will call you too many times they will have a long explanation as to why they couldn't make it at the time you agreed to pick up the free desk they will tell you about their dad's drinking problem and that somehow enters into why they couldn't come pick up the free desk and their common law partner is sitting in the truck and then they're also like randomly kind of nice so you like don't hate them you know or you could just spend the money that it costs for like a blank sheet of

paper to just write on it in Sharpie free, please take. And it's gone in like 30 seconds. I mean, if you wanted to waste paper, I know I was always, I have since moved on from that neighborhood, but I was always amazed by how quickly the thing on the curb would get

scooped up to the point where I was afraid to like leave something I wanted on the curb while I was like unlocking the door. Yeah. No, wait, what happened? No, I wanted that. My groceries from Trader Joe's. To be fair, you were always carrying around suet cakes and there was just a lot of ravens in the neighborhood. Making clicking noises.

was just a lot of ravens in the neighborhood making clicking noises when i visit hodgman in new york i stay at his office which is in park slope park slope brooklyn and you know those like little free libraries that people put on their front lawn you know it's like a little birdhouse but that's just all public space in park slope bro, Brooklyn is taken up by piles of books that are free. It is like they don't even need those bollards that you use to separate the bike lane from the traffic lane because they just make it out of the books. Did you use Joan Didion books for those? Yeah, it is just all Michael Chabon essay collections about birds that protect the cyclists from the oh cool uh it's those woody allen essay books never mind yeah they were funny when we were in high school but now they're just sad nick you're working on a project right now that i feel like our audience needs to know

about and not just because one of the stars is friend of jordan jesse go rob hubel i am working on bringing the bumps back to tv just a new goosebumps bumping those geese it's gonna be a disney plus you've got to bump those geese love to see those nasty geese pumps think that's uh on pusha t's solo album, Poppin' Those Geese. It's on Malice's Christian album when he was going by No Malice. Just a song about geese, where eggs come from. So yeah, that's what I've been working on. It's going to be out next year, next Halloween. Is that on standard Disney?

Can't get it on regular Disney. If you look for it on regular Disney you will be sadly, sadly mistaken. You gotta pay for the plus. The premium Disney. You gotta get the plus, the Disney plus. That's the good Disney. Jordan, I don't know if you've seen this Disney. Oh, yeah.

You gotta get on that Andor tier of Disney. You gotta find where Andor is. You get there and that's where you're gonna find the bumps i watched one of those andors and you know jordan i'm a medium star wars guy i love this this andor i'm looking forward to watching more of these andors you know the star andor is diego luna the beautiful actor Diego Luna. We tried to book him on Bullseye because I was like, man, I watched that Andor.

It was great. And they said he would like to do it, but he's really going through some shit right now. Oh, Diego. It's like, when is Diego Luna not going through? Let's be real. This guy makes his own fucking drama. He's either never going through any shit or is always going through shit. Like, I won't accept anything in between. Sounds like old Cassian Endor is kind of a messy bitch.

He's either drinking a chocolate soda in Mallorca and just fucking loving life, or he's just dealing with some fucking existential issues that we can't even comprehend. Cannot even wrap our fucking minds around a basement hotel in like lisbon just like strung out on heroin there's nowhere between just trying to find where am i gonna find 10 000 pounds of fava beans that guy needs them now i told why did i tell him I could get them? Hector screwed me again with the fava beans. Fuck, I have to do a Star Wars movie. God, I never should have fucked that fava man's wife.

By the way, would you say that your favorite Joan Didion essay is the fava man's wife? Yeah, yeah. I thought that was extraordinary. Sort of presupposed the post-modernist condition i think yeah it really did right we can all agree on that i got that off michael sarah's stoop steve buscemi had written his name in the inside cover yeah it takes a lot of notes in the margins yeah he had crossed out laura lenney and written in steve buscemi it was him and willem dafoe off off off broadway like way off like off the off off just in a porno

theater showing off their cranks yeah like two blocks from broadway is this waiting for Godot? Kind of. There's a lot of crank in this Godot. Yeah, it's not not waiting for Godot. I mean, it's gorgeous cranks. You can't... I mean, Defoe's crank is like top. This ain't waiting for Godot in XXX parody. It's like the third off-Broadway play

that Defoe showed his dick in. Like the third one. Alright, we get it, man. It's just Willem Defoe fucking the ever-loving shit out of Zero Mustel. Yeah. It's like, how long is it? 45 minutes? Okay, all right.

Fair enough. I drove in from Long Island for this. I'm not leaving. Jordan, did you see that incredible Kratz last porno tape that was spectacular there's a great bit of okay theater of the absurd is the topic here uh the rhinoceros is about a guy with a dick in his forehead or something i don't know probably ins crew is that anything maybe not quite probably not quite. Probably not quite. Not enough to have said it, but you know, what is a podcast if not saying words?

It's out there now. Daniel Zafran, our producer on the program, Brian Sanidi-Fernandez, our producer emeritus, our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. We're on Reddit at maximumfun.reddit.com. If Twitter still exists and you're still on it, it's twitter.com slash jordangessiego for dank memes and sexy kermits. We are on Facebook, which is definitely a moral place, at facebook.com slash jordangessiego. Look, I don't know. Just

go to rec.sport.jordangessigo on Usenet. I don't know what's left. Get on our Google Groups server. Put us on your top eight on MySpace. I don't know. Let's serve it. Let's serve it. You know what?

Get off the internet. Stop listening to podcasts. Find us in the penny saver. Yeah, we're trying to get rid of an exercise bike. And some golden retriever puppies. We'll give you five bucks and then you have to listen to this episode before we take it. That's the deal.

That's the deal. Take it or leave it. Stolen puppies, 20 bucks. We'll trade for hamsters. My snake is hungry. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go I'll hug you and kiss you and love you love you love you

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