Joy, a Podcast. Hosted by Craig Ferguson - #123 - Ramblin' Douche: 100% Guest Free For Your Pleasure

Episode Date: January 13, 2026

By the time you read this Craig will be in London again continuing to work on another project. While we might be upset that he is not home anymore, there's no reason to despair because here's a fresh episode of the Joy podcast. And as Craig put it, 100% guest free for your pleasure. Have a question for Craig? Drop him an email at: [e-mail], send him a message on social media, or drop a comment below. _______________________________________________ Craig is also on the road. Dates and tickets can be found here ⁠⁠⁠https://www.thecraigfergusonshow.com/tour ⁠⁠⁠_________________________________________________ FIND CRAIG: Website - ⁠⁠⁠https://www.thecraigfergusonshow.com⁠⁠⁠ Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/craigyferg⁠⁠⁠ TikTok - ⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@craigy_ferg⁠⁠⁠ X - ⁠⁠⁠https://www.x.com/craigyferg⁠⁠⁠ Facebook - ⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/thecraigfergusonshow⁠⁠⁠ ABOUT THE JOY PODCAST: Storied late-night talk host Craig Ferguson brings his interview talents and singular world view to a discussion of the modern state of JOY, sitting down with notable guests from the worlds of entertainment, science, government, and more. How's our Joy doing? Bridled? On life support? Where do we find joy in a world that seems by any rational measure to be collapsing around us? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This is me, Craig Ferguson. I'm inviting you to come and see my brand new comedy hour. Well, actually, it's about an hour and a half, and I don't have an opener because these guys cost money. But what I'm saying is I'll be on stage for a while. Anyway, come and see me live on the Pants on Fire Tour in your region. Tickets are on sale now and we'll be adding more as the tour continues throughout 2025 and beyond.

For a full list of dates, go to the Craigfergersonshow.com. See you on the road, my dears. Hello, everyone. Welcome to The Joy Podcast. My name is Craig Ferguson. I am your host for the Joy Podcast, this fine day in London town. As you can tell, behind me, if you've ever been here before, I've done podcasts from here before.

You guys recognize it. Chimney Sweeps, people eating cockles, which is a small kind of, like a baby clam, like a clamlet. that people eat and jellyed eels is another delicacy apparently in London. I've never had the pleasure of eating them. Jellyed eels is eels, small eels

in some kind of jelly which I don't think anybody needs to eat that but apparently people used to eat it or in fact maybe still eat jellyed eels in London. It's a cockney thing apparently. Anyway look I'll talk to with that in a minute but the reason I'm in London is because I'm working here. I'm working

in London again or a different thing so I'm back here amongst the snagletous tea drinking loonies again to work here so that's why I'm here

and obviously the Joy podcast which seems to have turned into a podcast of me talking to you and maybe doing some tweets and emails I'm doing that because the tweets and emails are over there any correspondence you have May or me, well, if you haven't sent me any, it's not here. But if you have sent me some correspondence, it's on my computer here,

and I will get to it presently, or maybe not. You know how these things go. This podcast, as you know, was begun by me to talk to people about what brings them joy. And, of course, that was very enjoyable for me, because that brings me joy to talk to people about what brings them joy. I'm so busy right now doing other things but I didn't want to neglect the podcast

so or you if you're loyal enough to turn up to these things so what I do is I will now talk to you are the guest that's what brings me joy you you are the guest and I'm travelling again so I can and I'm sure there's plenty of people

in London I could talk to but they don't want to come over here do you know the birds chirping Do you notice that birds chirp in a different accent where you go in the world? I don't know if that's true. I wonder if that is true. If animals have accents,

like if you meet a panda that's growing up in Scotland, will he speak with a Scottish accent? I don't even know if pandas make a noise. That bird definitely making a noise, though. When it sounds kind of caught you, like, o'y, o'y, o'y, o'allit, Gavna, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet,

tweet, tweet, gaffna. It's a cockney sparrow. which I'm sure is the name of some singer from the Victorian era Anyway, listen, I'm in London I'm working here and you're probably thinking, Craig, may we interrupt your podcast to tell you how fabulous your haircut is? I mean, obviously if you're listening to this, you can't tell me, you can't tell how fabulous my haircut is, but let me tell you it's pretty fabulous

because I did a thing that I like to do when I got to London yesterday and what I like to do when I get to London is I go and see Stavv Stav is a gentleman in London He's not originally from London I think Stav is from Greece originally But he's lived in London for a long time And Stav can do a shave and a haircut

In a way which I deeply appreciate And I do like to get an open razor shave I was beardy there for a while and that had its attractions, but I'm over it now. I'm not beardy anymore. I feel like, it's a bit like my earring. I took my earring out when I was 40

because I thought, you know, I'd be that guy. And when I turned 60, I thought, well, you're old now. You put your earring back. So that's an interesting thing was the hole was still there. It was, actually, I don't know if it was still there. I was sitting with my kids one day, and one of the boys said that, that he was thinking about getting his ear pierced.

And I said, well, I have my ear pierced. But the ear, the earring had been out for so long. They were like, what? And I went, yeah. And then they said, well, do you think the hole is still there? I don't know. So my wife has pierced ears, and she said, well, try one of these. And so she gave me her earring. Of course, we sanitised it in all the correct ways.

I just gave me the earing. And I put it in my ear and it went straight in, right? in a way. And I don't know if that was the hole was still in my ear, or I've become so old and my ears are just big spongy things that you can put things in, in which case, that will be how I approach the, or combat, the aging process, is that I will just use myself as a giant pincushion for piercings, giant more jewelry in my face. I don't think I will, please, before you start. I don't think I will get any more face jewelry

But anyway, I had a beard for a while I shaved it off I had a kneeling for a while Then I took it out and then I put it back in What I'm saying is And this is the parable of what I'm talking about People change People change their mind about things

And I certainly have Over the course of my life so far Which is Now this year By the way I've turned 64 years old 64 years old Didley, dee, dee, yes, that thing, 64 years old.

Will you still need me? Will you still feed me? Now, I don't know if I need anyone to feed me just yet, but it can't be far off. Anyway, what I'm saying is, I'm in London, you're my guest today.

People in London, I was talking to you about what the idea of Cockneys. Now, cockney, people say cockney, they don't really know what it is. Let me explain to you, my American brothers and sisters, if you're not familiar,

I believe cognis are people in London who were born within the sound of bow bells. Now, Bochurch in the east end of London, I don't even know if it's still there. But if you can hear the bells from the house that you are, the area you were born in, then apparently that's if you're a real cockney.

But I don't know if that's really true. And anyway, I don't think there's any paperwork for it. It's not like, well, can you prove it, sign here? And I certainly don't think there are any great benefits to it or any great demerits to it, either. I want to say this, actually, any companies I've met, they've been rather nice. The companies that I know, will be very friendly people, actually. So perhaps they are, perhaps they are a, perhaps they're a, perhaps they're a person. better than most of us. I don't think so.

But there's certainly no worse. Anyway, that's my controversial stance on cockneys. They're just the same as everyone else, except they were born in the sound of Bowbells. But anyway, people in the east end of London will eat cockles. I think that might be why they call them cockneys. I don't know.

Or might be why they call them cockles. My tiny little clams, I don't eat shellfish. I don't believe it. to be food, which causes some raised eyebrows in my family, because on my wife's side, they're from New England. And as you know, these people enjoy tuber and crustacean and, you know, all that kind of stuff.

But, and also I'm from Scotland. I mean, people eat shellfish there all the time. But I don't care for it. And I never have muscles. I don't do them. I don't like to. That. Anyway, that's also something that may change over time. Maybe I'll start and doing it. I don't think so, though. Anyway, cognees eat. Apparently, cobbles and jelly deals. That's what I was trying to get to. Jelly deals is a thing that people used to eat and maybe still eat here in London. Jelly deals, which I couldn't. Apparently, the eels live on sewage, I think. There's certainly a bottom feeder. So you're eating the thing that eats poop.

Is that right? I suppose you could say the same about a plant, couldn't you? I mean, plants, like, if you want your potatoes to grow, you need poop poop on them, and then the poop will help the potatoes grow. I guess the potato absorbs the poop, and you potatoes are like poop sponges. I think I just put myself off potatoes,

which were a man of my background in ethnicity, is almost impossible. I haven't put myself off potatoes. That never happened, even if they are made of poop, which they're not. Although in that movie, The Martian,

with Matt Damon as the guy who was on Mars, he survived by taking the dried poop of his fellow astronauts who abandoned him and moisturising it in creating water and growing potatoes. So, I don't know, if I'm ever stranded on Mars, I wouldn't even think twice about eating poop potatoes. I wouldn't even think it was gross.

Look, I'll eat poop potatoes in Britain, which I might do. By the way, potatoes is a thing to know about Britain. And I'm going to tell you this, as an American, which I am. And I'm happy to beat one and proud to be an American. But I will tell you this. the potato chip game or crisps as they are known in Britain the potato chip game in the UK

is light years ahead of what we have in the United States and now we just have to admit it the you know we have Doritos and you know Cheetos of course which are a fabulous treat but they have potato chips here which every time I come here again

like 15 pounds it's not going to happen this time but I can't do that anymore. But they do make the greatest potato chips. And there was an interview, I think. Remember when Charlize DeRon played that serial killer lady? And she had to put on a long wait for the part, and they asked her how she'd do it.

She said, just to eat potato chips all the time. I think she nailed it. I can gain weight so fast just by having potato chips near me. So in order to combat my potato chip addiction, Is that addiction? I don't think so. But then again, I would think that if I was addicted to them, and I...

Oh, sure. All right, let's have a look at your emails and tweets and such, and I have enough of my yak, and... Listen, I'll have to put on my glasses, by the way. These are my... Wow, yeah, I really am 64 this year. Look at those glasses. Good Lord. Glasses and an earring.

Well, who are you, Craig? look like I'm a librarian of some kind. Anyway, this is from Lorne Edwards in Winnipeg, Canada. Now, I've been to Winnipeg many types. I won't get sidetracked by that. Well, well, a little bit. I made a film in Winnipeg

called Niagara Motel. Which, with Kevin Pollock, who is a delightful man. I really like Kevin. He was one of the early podcasters actually. He used to do a great interview

interview show. I did it a couple of times. But I don't think he's doing it anymore. I think he's kind of got fed up with it, which I can relate. But we did a show a movie, an independent movie in Winnipeg called Niagara Motel.

And it was a kind of vignette set at Niagara Falls, but we couldn't afford to shoot there, so we were shooting in Winnipeg, which doesn't have a big waterfall, unfortunately. But the it was some vignettes, you know, set in a motel and different stories coalesce and around hotel. It was all right movie, I think.

I've never seen it. But I feel like it, the people see it, I think it's all right. Anyway, when we were shooting it, the character I was playing, his name escapes me, but he was a caretaker in the motel, falls in to the river. And so in order to shoot the scene where I fall into the river. It was an end of the page movie. There's no stunt main. So I had to

fall into the river. So I fell into the red river in Winnipeg, Canada. And as we were doing the stunt, which I suppose it's a stunt of sorts. I mean, it was in the river and I had to fall into it. I cut myself. I cut myself

in the red river and I got a gash on my arm or something. This is just before I started. I started in late. I got gas in my arm. and I got so I got cut

I was in the Red River and when I came out the safety people said to me or the paramedic I can't remember who it was on site said oh you have to go and get a tetanus show when did you last got a tetan show I went I didn't know so I had to go and get a tetanish show but we were shooting on a Saturday in Winnipeg

and the only place I could get a tetan show right away was in a methadone clinic in downtown Winnipeg so I went there and that's when I found out when I went to the methadone clinic in Winnipeg, Canada, that many of the heroin addicts

of Central Canada really enjoyed the Drew Carey show because they recognized me. And everyone was like, hey, what are you doing in the methadone clinic? I was like, well, you know, life is, what it is. When we chatted and stuff.

Anyway, I have fun memories of that night in the Methodom Clinic for some reason. Anyway, Winnipeg Canada. Let me put my glasses on and read this. Lauren Edwards, who, to my knowledge is not someone who uses the methadone clinic that I went to in Winnipeg, Canada. But who knows? I'm not judging. From the creative team behind the Brutelist and starring Academy Award nominee Amanda Seifred in a career best performance,

Searchlight Pictures presents the testament of Anne Lee. With rave reviews from the Venice Film Festival, this bold and magnetic musical epic tells the story in, inspired by a true legend, Anne Lee. Founder of the radical religious movement, The Shakers, the Testament of Anne Lee. Exclusive Toronto Engagement, January 16th, in theaters everywhere, January 23rd. Lorne says, do you have a favorite quote?

I like what William Blake said. Improvement makes straight roads, but the crooked roads without improvement are the roads of genius. Oh, did he say that? Well, I don't even know if I agree with that, or even what it means. But then again, I'm perhaps not a crooked road of genius. Do I have a favorite quote?

I don't think I do. I have lots of favorite quotes. Well, then that doesn't mean that one's not your favorite. Is there absolutely one quote that supersedes all others? No. I don't think there is. I think that the idea of language is that it's for appropriate times, the imparting of information.

It feels like to have a favourite quote, and I hate to be pedantic about this, but to have a favourite quote is to say like to have a favourite colour, which I guess some people do, or a favourite piece of music, or a favourite, which again, I think

people do. I don't have that because I think like many of you, I change over time. You know, sometimes I put an earring in. Sometimes I don't have an earring in. Sometimes I give me a haircut. Sometimes I don't grow a lot. Sometimes I grow a beard.

Sometimes I don't grow a beard. I shape it off. I think life contains moods and atmospheres. And I can't... There's not one thing that cuts through it all for me. I know for some people that is not the case, but for me, it's not like that. I feel like language and even the idea of thinking at all. Any kind of thought process is an atmosphere.

It's a mood. It's a who are you at the time? And is there anything that... Now, I suppose when I'm in certain situations, I will probably go to quotes to remind me of things. So there's that. So, I mean, I'm trying to give an example of that without, you know, sounding

pompous, which is probably too late given that we're about 20 minutes in. All right, well, I don't have a favorite quote. Sorry, maybe my favorite quote for Winnipeg. Winnipeg is for lovers. Now, that's my favorite quote. Beautiful town of Winnipeg.

Hey, you know what I remember? Well, I, uh, when I was shooting this movie in Winnipeg in Winnipeg, a lot of the crew were on the movie, had worked on another movie that had been shooting there previously called, shall we dance, was the name of this movie. And I've never seen the movie. I don't know anything about it.

It was called Shall We Dance, and it had Richard Geer in it, and I think Jennifer Lopez, Richard Geh and Jennifer Lopez, I think is the movie. Now, you may be able to check that quite easily. And, of course, I probably could as well, but I'm not gone on it. So, oh, Lord. But the movie was called Shall We Dance? And the only reason I remember it is because I remember it was getting made in Winnipeg. And then when it came out, I saw a review of it in the New York Post,

which I never even read the review, but I remember the headliner of the review was, shall we barth? That was the headline of the review, which, shall we barf? I mean, if you imagine you put a year or two years of your life in and making a movie, then he'd get side swipe like that with it coming out oh man the movie business is tough

at one of the first reviews I got when I was doing the character thing Bing Hitler it's a long story you'll have to Google it but I did it when I'm starting out at the very beginning doing stand-up I used to do this character

called Bing Hitler and it was kind of it was nothing to do with dadsies or anything but it was it was a guy who was a kind of super patriotic Scottish guy who talked like this

all the time and he would talk about things in Scotland and things that he hated it was just a character thing that I did and one of the first reviews I ever got because I remember seeing the headline in review it said Bing Stinks that was the headline

and you know I did read that review and it didn't get any more complimentary It didn't, I thought maybe if I started reading, they would say Bing, instincts of success, but it didn't say that. It really eviscerated me. And, you know, I feel sad for young performers now because they don't, they don't get the value of one single terrible review. You just get tons of it in negative comments online. At least I would imagine you do. Do you get, things still get reviewed? I suppose they do, but Do they hit the reviews? They have the value that they... Because you could... You could close a show. There used to be a theatre critic

called Frank Rich, who still writes, I think, for the New York Times, but he could close a show with a bad review on Broadway. I mean, if you got a bad review from the wrong person, it was over. I mean, that's a lot of power. I think restaurants might have that still a little Yelp now and everything. But, you know, critics could shut a thing down by not enjoying it. And I don't know if people give that amount of agency to any critics. Now, let me ask you, is there any one person that you think, well, if that person likes what I like,

likes it, then I'm going to like it, or if that person doesn't like it, then I, because sometimes the opposite is true for me. Like if somebody says they don't like something, and I, you know, depending on what I think about the person, I'm like, well, I'm probably going to like it. but if you know the person, if it's just a reviewer that well then again if you line up with what they've reviewed before

and you agree with it would you not see a show because of a bad review? I mean, let me tell you, this is true. Do you remember that joke? Some of you remember this joke. When I was doing late, I used to do a stupid joke.

It was just a stupid joke and I did it every other night. that I would show a picture of, I would say, do we have a picture of Paul McCartney, and I would show a picture of Angela Lansbury, or I would show a picture of, say, do we have a picture of Agile Lansbury, and I'd show a picture of Paul McCartney.

The joke being, of course, that they look like they may be related, or it's just a stupid joke. Anyway, the only reason I really did it is because of business. Let me tell you what. Because when I did that joke for the first time, it was early on in the life of the late night show,

and I did that joke, did it a couple of times that night. And what happened was that the audience laughed and that's the reason why I did it more than once that night because I did it the audience laughed. I did it again. It was just kind of like a callback, stupid thing that you do.

And then that show was reviewed in the Los Angeles Times. It was early on in the life. The show, the show was reviewed in the LA Times. They eviscerated me. It was an extremely negative review of a show which was my

living at the time. I mean, if that show had gone down, I would have had to find another job. But the I was so incensed because they were really negative about that particular joke. I remember

I can't remember the exact words, but it said something like, without any irony or understanding and repeating the same joke over and over again. The whole idea was ironic, and I knew it was stupid and that's why I kept doing it. So in order to double down on it, because it got such a

negative review in the early times, I kept doing it. And then it became a habit. So that bad review in the Los Angeles Times became a running joke in late night just because I thought they were such a bunch of assholes or one particular asshole for, I can't remember who it was, it gave the review, but which kind of makes me feel good, actually, when I think about it, I don't, I don't know who it was, but whatever review it was, I was so mad and full of rage about it, I just did the joke again and again and again,

out of a petulant, you know, footstorm. And it actually turned out to be pretty funny, planning overtime. No, I'm not sure that Paul McCartney and Angela Lansbury go out and restor would agree, but, I didn't mean anything by it It was really about the LA Times It was nothing to do with either one of them

Anyway I don't know how they were that I came up This is from Ed From Cork in Ireland Now I've never been to Cork I don't think

There's an airport nearby I might have been there But I am playing Dublin this year For the first time in my life I was meant to play last year and it got rescheduled. So I am playing Dublin, Ireland this year, along with some other European days

that had to get rescheduled. Dublin, Ireland, London, again, Glasgow, where I'm from, where I've never performed a stand-up since... I don't even know when. I don't think I've ever done a stand-up sober in Glasgow, and I've been sober.

This is 1992. So that's going to be interesting. I wonder how that'll go. We'll find out, I guess. So Glasgow, London, Dublin, in Ireland, that's what got me onto it. I'm also doing Paris and Copenhagen

and Amsterdam and I think some other fancy places. Anyway, so I'm looking forward to that. But Ed from Cork in Ireland says, do you have favorite modern comedian? My favorite comedians are yourself. and Norman MacDonald, I loved Norm. I find people like Theo,

Vaughn, and Shane Gillis to be great successors. I'd agree, but was interested in your opinion on younger comedians in the comedy scene today. Well, it's very busy the comedy scene today. There's lots of comedians. The two comedians you mentioned, I think, are very good. I tend not to overlook that kind of... I don't get too kind of involved with that.

If I see someone, I'll watch it for a bit, maybe. I don't seek out stand-up comedy as a thing to watch, weirdly enough. I can appreciate it. I like doing it, but, and I can appreciate a good one. Who do I think is good at the young people? I'm probably the wrong people. Shane Gillis is fabulous, I think. I think he's very, very good, and it makes me laugh.

And that's the test, isn't it? I don't know because I will be honest with you. It's a little bit like the late night thing for me. I know that I do stand-up comedy and I am a stand-up comedian, but I'm not really a stand-up comedian. I'm not like, it's not the only thing I do. And it's not what I'm doing in London now. I'm here working on a completely different type of thing,

which doesn't involve me performing at all. and and I like that I don't consider myself any one thing and you know

I've hosted game shows I think of myself as a game show host well I guess if you've only ever seen me hosting a game show then I'm a game show host I mean it's a bit like that quote thing isn't it

or it's like you are what you're doing at the time you know if I have a beard I'm a guy with a beard If I shave it off I'm a clean shaving person If I have an earring in

I'm a douche If I'm an earring out Still a douche but with no earring It's You are what you are at the time And I don't I don't like to I've not

It's not I don't like to I'm not capable Of Making myself one thing like that I can't say Well I am this you know, I'm talking to you right now on a podcast. Am I a podcaster?

I don't think so. Again, I mean, I guess I am at this point. When I was doing a late-night show, people would say you're a late-night host. Now, I would say on that show often, this is not a late-night show and I'm not a late-night show host. I would say that on the show. But, of course, there's a certain irony in that because I clearly was hosting a late-night show,

and it was a show that was on late at night but was it a late night show? Well, and to a degree, I suppose, but I don't think of myself like that. I don't, I just don't think that way about things. And I think that's okay, isn't it? So, how do I feel about young comedians?

I think some of them are good and some of them are not so good, just like it was ever the case. And, um, Do I follow it closely? Not really. I don't, you know, I become fascinated. The things that I'm interested in it, I think, would probably bore a lot of people.

Well, not a lot of people. They would just, I've become very specialised in what I'm interested in right now. I mean, if I told you what I was reading right now, you'd be like, oh, my God, what the fuck are you on, Craig? I'm not quite prepared to tell. But anyway, suffice to say, it's. non-fiction or maybe it's fiction, it's hard to say because it's, you know, it's very old writing that I'm reading right now, which I find interesting. And the music that I've found,

well, I'll give you an example. There's a little less, I think, the music that I'm into right now. Now, I came up through loving punk rock music. Do I think of myself a punk rock or absolutely not? Do I think it informs everything I do? Yes, I do. But I think everyone, all of us, are the accumulation of our experiences, both positive and negative. So, I mean, some of that is good

and some of that is not so good, I think. But right now, the music that I like to listen to, for some reason, is Schubert. I'm into Schubert right now. The reason I'm into Schubert is because I reread a book called The Master in Margarita, which is one of

my favorite novels written by Mikhail Bulgakov. It is a great book. If you haven't read it, you should read it. It has a talking cat and people like that. So,

in the Master in Margarita, there is a moment where protagonists get to a place where they get to listen to Schubert and it's painted so beautifully in the book that I thought, you know, I don't know anything about Schubert and I had to listen to some Schubert, I thought, well, that's a bit good, isn't it?

But I find that I listen to the music of Schubert in a very different way to the way that I would listen to music by the Dam or the Buzzcocks or the remodents or so it's a different mood so I think the conclusion of today's

podcast is this everything in life is about atmospheres and timing is that true something to think about perhaps but maybe now's not the time to think about it maybe think about it another time

when you're in more of a mood to do that I got to go. As you can see, London is calling. London calling by the clashes. Christop. And I would listen to that in a different way than I would to Rimsky Korsakov. Rimsky Korsakov's Scheherazade. Fabulous piece of music.

London calling, fabulous piece of music. But different. Do I have to pick a favorite? No. No, I don't think you do. I don't think you have to be artmogamous. Does that make sense? Monoartistic?

Maybe that makes more sense. I don't know. Anyway, this has been yet another guest-free edition. Brought to you 100% guest-free of the Joy podcast. 100% guest-free for your value, your podcast dollar. See you, sir.