Joy, a Podcast. Hosted by Craig Ferguson - 126 - Koalas Are Not Real Bears

Episode Date: February 3, 2026

It’s an arctic theme this week. And totally by accident as Craig recalls a story about an Arctic expedition that ends with frozen body parts, wild animals, bears (both grizzly and polar), and some bity sharks. But it does eventually lead to the question, are Koalas real bears? Have a question for Craig? Drop him an email at: ⁠⁠[e-mail]⁠⁠, send him a message on social media, or drop a comment below. _______________________________________________ Craig is also on the road. Dates and tickets can be found here ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.thecraigfergusonshow.com/tour ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠_________________________________________________ FIND CRAIG: Website - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.thecraigfergusonshow.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/craigyferg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ TikTok - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@craigy_ferg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ X - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.x.com/craigyferg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Facebook - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/thecraigfergusonshow⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ABOUT THE JOY PODCAST: Storied late-night talk host Craig Ferguson brings his interview talents and singular world view to a discussion of the modern state of JOY, sitting down with notable guests from the worlds of entertainment, science, government, and more. How's our Joy doing? Bridled? On life support? Where do we find joy in a world that seems by any rational measure to be collapsing around us? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

With Amex Platinum, you have access to over 1,400 airport lounges worldwide. So your experience before takeoff is a taste of what's to come. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Conditions apply. Local news is in decline across Canada, and this is bad news for all of us. With less local news, noise, rumors, and misinformation fill the void, and it gets harder to separate truth from fiction. That's why CBC News is putting more.

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This is me, Craig Ferguson. Come see me live in your region on my Pants on Fire comedy stand-up tour. For the full list of dates and tickets, go to the Craig Ferguson Show.com. VIP meet and greet packages are available as well. Come say hi and have a laugh. Hello everyone. Welcome to the Joy Podcast. My name is Craig Ferguson and I am the host of the Joy Podcast today and every day. That is me.

Not every day. I don't do a show every day. I did that once in my life and whilst I enjoyed it immensely, it was every day, except weekends. And I felt like it was a bit too much. after 10 years of doing it, I don't do it anymore. Anyway, that's not the point. This is a joy podcast. I am here today, and I know what you're thinking,

Craig, look out behind you. There's a giant horse. It's only a painting of a horse. It is, in fact, not a real horse, which if you're familiar with the show that I used to do every day, you don't know that not a real horse is a phrase that we used because I had a companion on that show who was also not a real horse.

this is not a real horse but it is a painting of not a real horse whereas the not a real horse on the old TV show was in fact a real not a real horse okay so this is the joint podcast to give you a little history of this podcast

it used to be it used to have guests and then I was like ah because trying to schedule guests is a pen in the ass so ass I say ass I live in New York so I say it's a pain and a yes So

Obviously keeping a horse in New York Is very expensive But this is not a real horse So it's okay No, it's a pain And it's a pain in the ass Having a guest sort of a podcast And this week, actually

I have to do all the All this publicity I have a new games We'll come out called Scrabbit And it's a game Well, it's out It's started It's 8 o'clock

on the CW on Thumbers Day nights. Now here's the thing. It's a game show that's based on the board game Scrabble, and it's very like the board game Scrabble, and one of the reasons I agreed to do it, there were two reasons. One, I really liked a board game Scrabble, and two, it's a job, and they pay me,

and that's what I do for a living. So, you know, sue me, why that can... Well, no, don't do that. Anyway, the Scrabble show is going out, and I was away working on enough, a show and I couldn't do any publicity for it. So I'm in New York this week

with my friendly horse and we together, no, just me, I'm doing all the publicity for it and I'm doing all the daytime shows and all the the radio interviews and such like that is part of the job

of promoting a show like that. But also I have to do podcasts or have to do podcasts or get to do podcasts. I get to do podcasts and I'm doing some podcasts this week and I much prefer

being a guest on other people's podcasts than trying to corral guests on this one and it's not that I don't like talking to people I actually do like talking to people but arranging in it it's like you know when you try to arrange me

your friend it's like a pain in English it's your pain in the age so I um so we can multiply that because you know there's you know people have schedules

and they're busy and I just get fed out with it anyway so this podcast is now and forevermore will be 100% guest free apart from the occasional fake horse I'm not having guests anymore

the guest on this podcast apart from my fingers is you is you is you. You are the guest on the show. What you do is you write in, write an email or a text or a tweet or a man,

an ex or a WhatsApp or whatever it is to the Craigfragonson Show.com or leave a comment. If you're watching this on YouTube, you can leave a comment there and, you know, someday will pick it up. Now, feel the disclosure. I don't go on the social media anymore.

This is my social media. This is it. This is it. I have social. media accounts and people do it but I would do it because anyway it's very cold here in New York City very very cold indeed how cold is it so cold I had to bring my voice indoors but the it's very very cold and it put me in mind of and I will go on to your texts and tweets and emails and questions for a minute but now this is what I'm about to tell you might not be true but it doesn't really matter anymore

if stuff is true or not, is it? Anyway, so this might not be true, but I think it is true. But it might not be true. So full disclosure, this might not be true, but I think it is true. There was an Arctic explorer, an Arctic exploration, years and years and years ago. Why the Arctic has to be explored? I don't know. I mean, you go there, it's like, well, it's cold, and there's nothing here.

But I'm sure there's lots of science involved, and I'm being a Philistine about it. So the Arctic was being explored by a British explorer called Sir Randolph Fines. I think that's his name. No, Randolph Fines is the actor. Ray Fines or Ray Fines is the actor? Anyway, I think it was Randolph Fines.

And I think he's related to Ray Fines. It might be his uncle or his... I don't think he's his dad. But I think they're related. Fines is quite an unusual name. So I think they're probably related in some way. now so random finds was exploring the Arctic or somewhere else very cold

I thought of this today actually because I was out of the cold I don't know if you can tell I'm flushed because it's freezing out there I thought and I remembered this from years when I was a kid that Ronald Fines was exploring the Arctic and he had to cancel the expedition because of frostbite which you'd be like well I mean I've got seen that coming

couldn't you couldn't you like you know and put some plans in place for frostbite. I mean, it's going to be cold. You know it's going to be cold. So wrap up warm. And then I remembered, now this, again, this may be rubbish,

but I think it's true. He had to cancel the expedition because when he was, when he was in the Arctic, he went to go and do a peepee in a bottle and his peepee touched the side of the bottle. and in the cold temperatures,

you go first by and has peeping. And which begs the question, I used to talk about this years ago, it begs the question, what was he doing peeing into a bottle in the middle of the Arctic anyway? It's not like, what are you guys? You keep it in four.

It's not like anyone's going to see you. And if you, it's not like the animals all pee outside. I'm in polar bears and stuff. Although I don't know if I would ever try and get a polar bear to be into a bottle. I think that's a recipe for a mauling. You can mall. In fact, I wouldn't go anywhere near a polar bear. It is my understanding.

This is a top tip, by the way. I'm going to introduce a top tip segment to this podcast. Now there's tips. It's a podcast with tips. So here's a tip. Try and avoid polar bears. and here's why because a polar bear

to my knowledge is the only animal that will actually stalk and kill a human sharks will do it but sharks kill humans but the what a shark does is it comes up and it bites you to see if your food

because the shark's you know find the out glands are in its teeth this is very scientific so it sees you it thinks is that food I don't know if it's had been and they go no food but by that time too late you're dead

because you know They're very bity. But a polar bear, or maybe a grizzly bear as well, I suppose, they'll come after you, neat you. They'll follow you home. They'll get a seat on the plane and set a few rows behind you.

And my wife just texted me. She's on her way home. So that's good. Oh, my family WhatsApp's kicking up. She went out today to go to a big fear. That was a big, sort of, vintage antique fair thing

and so we had to go and look at vintage clothes and buy some maybe and I was asked to go and I said no I won't go and I'll tell you why it's cold there could be bears polar or grizzly and also

I'm not great at the antique fairs and so I thought and I said I want to stay here and talk to my friends my imaginary horse friend and my friends in Port Castellvania

where you live and that's what I'm going to do so I will take your questions questions have been rolling and people asking things that people asking things that's what questions are you and what a question is Todd Marsh from Canada

now I think Todd if you're in Canada you should really be a little more specific Canada to my knowledge maybe the second biggest country in the world biggest country well it's a big place so if anyone's looking for you Todd

perhaps a polar bear which they have in Canada they probably have grislies and polar bears up there I don't know it sounds like a dangerous place Todd or maybe Todd lives in a marsh in Canada I don't think you have marshes in Canada it's too cold

I look forward to your angry but polite letters. Did you know there was an NHL hockey player from Nova Scotia played hockey with him as a team in Sydney in Sydney and S. You know there was an Aisna from Nova Scotia, played hockey with him. Oh, I think he's talking about the hockey player that had the same name as me or did I have the same name as him? Yes, there's an NHL local player called Craig Ferguson.

I believe he's pretty good. He's my favorite, certainly, because he has the same name as me. Things happen when you get people with the same name as you, and it can be, some of them are very good. There's a young man in Scotland right now who's very impressive. His name, same name as me, Craig Ferguson. And he's walking across, I saw this online or in a Scottish newspaper. you're walking across America to raise money

and I think mental health awareness for the Scottish World Cup team who will be in America for the World Cup this year in Los Angeles and I thought well that's good he's got the same name as me but I just hope he doesn't run into people that think

like wow Craig Ferguson you look a lot younger and in better shape than the one it was on TV. But he is Scottish and if you see him walking through your town give him a how-do and a pat in the back

and well done and good for you, son because he's doing well. And if you meet the NHL hockey player Craig Ferguson, give him a how-do as well and say you're my favourite.

I don't know that many hockey players I'll be honest. personally maybe two they're both my favourite it is from Greg Rollins he says what is the most joyful thing you've seen or experience that wasn't meant to be funny oh I don't know the answer to that doesn't make any sense

was the most joyful thing I've seen that wasn't meant to be funny but I don't know there are two different things are they enjoy funny is that the same thing sometimes yes sometimes perhaps not Joseph from

Kerry, North Carolina I used to do a show with the guy called Cary, Drew Carey's name was if you guys know him. He hosts the Price is right and he is a lovely man and he's from a town called Cleveland, Ohio which I always said to Drew

when I went to Cleveland for the first time I said, Drew, I said, so you because there was a lot of us there and if I had said Ryan Drew wouldn't have known enough he would have thought I was talking to Ryan because there's a lot of different people then. So I said, Drew, I said,

this town of yours, Cleveland, I said, it is very like my hometown of Glasgow. And he's like, ah, you're bullshit. I'm like, I'm not, Bill Shudden. It's very, very similar to my town of Glasgow, this Cleveland, Ohio. And he went, Peshima.

And then, years later, Drew went to Glasgow to see an old firm game. A known firm game is a soccer game between Glasgow Rangers and Glasgow Celtic. And it hijinks can ensued. And he went to go and see it's a big sporting event.

And he texted me and he said, this town of yours, hey Craig, he said. But I knew his names and contacts. He said, hey Craig, it's true. And I said, I know. Although there's a point saying it. It was a text. But I said it anyway. He said, I know.

I said I know it's huge but he said I'm in Glasgow it's just like Cleveland like you said I felt validated but also a little crosser

because he pashawed me and then he had to undo his pashaw and that's not that easy you know all right there is

is hang you know I'm a trouble seeing that's the computer's over here you can I can show you over here but happy

with stuff of that in terms isn't. All right. This is from koalas and crumpets. I don't think that's a name. I don't think that's a name at all, but that's who is from koalas and crumpets. Maybe it's an organization. Qualas and crumpets. Quas, of course, people call a koala bears.

Not bears. Coalas are not bears. They are marsupials, which they look like bears a little bit. When I went to Australia, I held a koala. no hostage rather I just held it I went to this

Quala Empori A koala A zoo I went to a zoo And part of the Petting Zoo thing Is you could get a

Quala And you could hold A little quala And koalas Two things happen One, the koala Of course Like all wild animals do

When they meet me Is they poop on me And so the koala Pooped on me But a koala poop It's kind of like It's like a little you know, one of those little

olive things that you get at Greek restaurants. It's just like a little... It looks quite nice. It just like bounced off. In fact, had I been in a Greek restaurant, I might have mistaken for a snack. So look out for that.

If you're in a Greek restaurant and you're with a koala bear, you know, heads up. Be careful. Anyway, the... We were... Yeah, we were in a zoo. and I was being, you know, introduced to this koala.

And I heard this, I don't know if this is true about koalas. I think it's true, though, that koala bears eat only eucalyptus sleeves. That's their diet. The eucalyptus leaves, the leave of the eucalyptus tree. Now, one of the side effects of the eucalyptus on the koala bears is against them high. So what they do is they have a problem with koala bears falling out, trees because the koala bears eat their staple diet. I mean, that would be like me getting stoned on potatoes.

Like, you know how bad it would be for my people? Well, maybe better, actually. Anyway, um, koala bears get stoned on. I said bears, they're not bears of my superiors. Quala bear, guillas, um, get stoned on the diet and they fall out the trees. It was a real problem. It's a bit of a fan. evolutionary anomaly, I would think, that an animal that gets high on its own supplies,

if you like, managed to live this long. But that's a striptia for you. They got a lot of weird animals there. And I will say this about koalas. Even although people call them bears, a koala bear would never follow you home unless you had some eucalyptus leaves in your pocket. And then it might. And then it might. It'd be like, hey, what's that mind? Oh, canoire. Have a little of your eucalyptus. That's their astranoian, as you can tell from my episode. My apologies, asternolans.

Qualas and Crompets. Again, I think that's an organising. Quala said, Cropusic. Great, could we please get a brief explanation of what happened to the Sirius XN show? We left listening to you at Manlo. Oh, here's a thing. this oh here's the thing when I about a few years ago I think it was really about

2015 you know about 2015 I think 2016 maybe I I was approached by the serious satellite radio people and they said we do a daily show I don't want to do a daily show anymore thanks very much I've done that and they said no no no we'll put equipment in your house and you can just do the show in your house so you just go like I'm doing this to you now, but it was

two hours a day on series satellite radio. I did that for about, I don't know, a year or not for something like that. And it was in my garden shed in Malibu Joe, my friend Joe, who coincidentally was the front end of the Not a Real Horse

and the own late night show. That's how we, and Joe and I work together, he's a writer, we write together. He runs, I think he still runs Tom Pappas podcast, which I'm doing this week so maybe I'll see him but

the because Tom Papa has guests on his podcasts unlike this we should all we have is fake fake horses they fake horses don't they they do anyway

what was that talking about oh yeah what was that talking about I don't know I can't remember oh yes the satellite radio show can we get a brief explanation of the satellite radio show well I did it for about year and a half and I kind of

I realized that I was doing this show two hours a day and it was every day and this is one of the reasons why I don't want to do a show every day I mean I had done it and then I didn't really know what to do and I was doing this show from my garden shed and it was when we lived in Los Angeles and I realized after a while I wasn't leaving the house at all and I wasn't even put pants on. You know, I was just like put out of pajama pants. I'd go down to my shed. I talked for two hours to Joe and we do

the radio show. And I wouldn't go anywhere. I wouldn't do my innocent. At all ends, it's not, it's not healthy. So, I said to the serious people, would you mind if I quit? And they went, no, no, no. And they're up. I was it.

I would, you know, maybe they could have said, no, Craig, please. But they didn't. We're like, no, that's right. plenty of go. So, uh, I did. So it was very nice of them. Uh, it was nice. Actually, they were very nice.

Really nice people. I just, that wasn't for me. Um, this is from Shikkan. I, I, I'm about pronouncing the name. Probably Shika. Uh, I'm going to know. Shika from Mauritius in Africa. Well, first of all, I've never been there.

Sheik is a lovely name. I don't know if that's how he pronounced it. and I've never been to Mauritius. I have been to Africa, but I've never been to Mauritius, and I think I'd quite like to go to Mauritius. Sheka from Mauritius says, Craig, I'm writing from Mauritius. I guess that.

I was going to say, I know. It's like when Drew Carey texts and then he said, hey, Craig, it's true. I'm like, I know. She's from Mauritia. Although, to be fair, to Shika, she could be traveling and say, hey, I'm in London. And I thought, anyway, she's in Mauritius.

He says, you show reached us all the way here. Did it ever surprise you how far the show travels? I'm presuming it's the old light light show. I think what surprises me about the old light light light show, now listen to this is going to make you feel weird. It certainly makes me feel weird. It is 12 years almost since I stopped doing that show. It was 11 years ago in December.

I stopped doing the late. by show. So I've now been not doing it longer than I did it. And yeah, I still people will say to me, hey, I just saw Gettist ABC on your show. And of course, what it is is the internet. The, like, stuff just goes on. I mean, in one regard, I think it's great. But they don't get to see the show. They get to see little bits of it. And if you know anything about bio, that show, it was a finely crafted hour of television that had a beginning and a middle and an end. And to get a whole benefit of it, you had to watch the whole thing. I feel a bit like Nietzsche.

Nietzsche complained that people shouldn't quote little bits of philosophers. They have to read the entire canon of a philosopher to understand it. You can't just quote little bits of a philosopher, which of course is a bit ironic given that Nietzsche is without doubt the person who's got the most little soundbites of his stuff all the time.

He's a mixed bag, Nietzsche, if you ask me. I haven't read everything. I've read quite a lot of it. This whole Uber-Mess thing, I don't know. Misplaced Darwinism, bullshit. I look forward to your angry, intelligent letters and polite

if they're from Canada. And if you're a bear. And you disagree with me. Do not stalk me. And if you're a koala, you're not a bear. This is from Will in Philadelphia, PA. He said, Craig, has anyone? Philadelphia is in Pennsylvania. No bears. Well, no koalas, except maybe domesticated or visiting koalas. as they are passing through Philly on their way to other parts. At Medcan, we know that life's greatest moments are built on a foundation of good health, from the big milestones to the quiet winds.

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with acrobat. Learn more at Adobe.com slash do that with acrobat. Well, in Philadelphia says, Craig, does anyone ever say something that fundamentally change your mind?

In an instant. Yes, many people have done that. One that springs to mind is what I've told about quite often. It was actually from an African gentleman, not from Mauritius,

from South Africa, a gentleman by the name of Archbishop Desmond Tutu. By the way, His name wasn't Archbishop, Desmond Tutu. He was an Archbishop. He wasn't like, what a lovely baby, Mrs. Tutu? What are you going to call?

Well, we're going to call him Archbishop, you know, in case. But no, that was his name. It was his title. His name was Desmond Tutu. And I see a giant for your man. Of course, I'm sure he was. And he was on my old light light show. And when he was on the show, we had a conversation.

we were just dicking around and laughing We're also having a serious conversation But we were also having It was just a conversation I mean he was a very intelligent, very funny man And a man who I admired greatly Sadly no one with us obviously But a man who I admired greatly

And I was a big fan of And he said to me something during a conversation We were just we were laughing about something or other And he said to me you are crazy now he's not the first person that said that to me but he's the first person of that caliber that said anything like that to me

he said you are crazy and I was like oh huh I said well you've met some crazy people he said no no no you are the type of crazy we need just be as crazy as you want or worse to that effect and it changed the way I felt about and sure actually

the show got madder after the late night show got a little madder after that the deconstruction that had begun the first day I started doing late night I was like how this works let's start fucking unpacking it but over time you know it got a little more

satirical I guess I mean it certainly I began afraid of the format of late night and then I respected it and then I

got kind of bored with it and then I'd quite like to dismantle this and lock it but also people like it so I mock it in a way which is affectionate you know a sort of gentle ripping if you like sounds a bit dirty

anyway so I did that but I think a large part of the of the sea chain of how I felt as a person it was almost getting out of jail a little bit do you know what I mean? It's like if someone like Desmond Tutu says to you

know what whatever you're doing you do that I'm like fuck yeah fuck yeah it's Desmond Tutu so so I kind of did a little bit and I think still fundamentally

it has an effect on me I have this but I was a younger person that is very ambitious I'm still ambitious but in a different way I was very ambitious for the usual things that young people want I know people too you know I wanted you know money and stuff and kudos and all that

and all that stuff's nice no doubt but do you hear my tummy there because my wife texted me and said I'm going to bring some food home and then my tummy's like what's happened so

it on the way which can only tell us one thing this podcast this particular episode of the podcast is minutes away from being over but what I was going to say to you is I still I'm ambitious and I still

kind of think like that but I think differently a little bit now I don't feel like I have to own things the way I used to I'm not saying that I don't like on it things I do like on in things I do like on in times But I don't know what. It's different now.

I think it's also part of getting older. You think, well, look, gaze upon my works, you mighty and despair for I am Ozzymandias, King of King. The idea that you can somehow outrun the forceman by having stuff, money stuff and kudos. It's kind of absurd, my friends, isn't it? It's absurd. And when you watch, and I do watch people in public life,

and I'm sure you do too, and yank, what fuck you're doing this for? I don't know why. I find myself getting more introspective and individual as time goes on. Is that good or a bad thing? I don't know. But it began,

I think. It was a fork in the road before I met Desmond Tudu. And as I met Desmond Tudor and as Yugibeirum so famously said when you come to a fork in the road, take it. So I did.

and that's the story of me today this has been another edition of the Joy podcast clearly there's a snack on my way which I'm quite excited about my wife is br-I hope she didn't buy a snack at a vintage antique fair thing she's at a lot I do like vintage antiques but I don't

I want to eat one but whatever it is I've learned this much ever she brings home I'm going to say That's great. Wow. I'm so glad you got that and be happy. I have learned something like my friends.

All right. Well, until next time, pick up some motherfuckers.