128 - Not All Horses Are Fake
00:00This is me, Craig Ferguson.Come see me live in your region on my Pants on Fire comedy stand-up tour.For the full list of dates and tickets, go to the Craig Ferguson Show.com.VIP meet-and-grit packages are available as well.Come say hi and have a laugh.A-ha-ha!Hello, everyone.Welcome to The Joy Podcast.
00:25My name is Craig Ferguson, and I am your host for this edition,and all editions of the Joy Podcast.Podcast, the Joy Podcast, for it is my podcast.And when I say it is my podcast, it is very different to how it began.As I'm sure many of you know, back in the days, oh, 25, 30, 50 years ago,we used to have guests on this podcast, but I've been so busyand then I just didn't want to have guests anymore,because I'm tired of talking to people.
01:00That's not true.I like talking to people, but I've been very busy and I can't schedule guests unless it's on Zoom.I don't want to do that.So, there, that's, I'm sure all of you already know this anyway.But if you don't, this is a podcast that involves me, kind of interviewing myself and also taking questions from you.And I think that's really what it is.And, my dears, let's give you an update on what I've been up to.Now, you're probably, if you're watching this on the YouTube's or any of the other ways that you can watch this, which I think is only on YouTube, then you'll be able to see for yourself.
01:37But if you're not watching this and you're listening to it, which I believe most of you, I believe most of you consume this podcast in that fashion, then I have this to tell you.I've looked better.I'm feeling a bit rough today.And I'll tell you for why, because I had been very busy.I have been very busy in a way which actually takes it out of me,but I've been traveling.I've been traveling a lot.In the past week, in the past week, I've been to, from New York,
02:12I went to Los Angeles, California, St. Louis, St. Louis, St. Louis, St. Louis,St. Louis, St. Louis, Lexington, Kentucky, Nashville, Tennessee, Bristol, Tennessee, Knoxville,and then back on.and I'm back in New York now.So I have been very busyand I've been on airplanes a lotand it is a chore sometimes on the airplanes.Most people are very nice as I'm sure you're aware.
02:42In fact, most people are just trying to get from A to B.But occasionally in the airports and on the planesit's a vexation of the spirit sometimesto be interacting with people.Also, I tell you what it is as well as, I don't know about you, but when I'm on an airplane a lot, I seem to get very dried out.My skin gets all crispy.I'm just an old white guy.Maybe that's what it is.
03:11I'm just an old crispy white guy.Anyway, that's where I have been.I've been all over the place.I was filming in California for the new show that I've got coming out later in the year called America.it on purpose and I was just doing the lastbit of filming there forthat in Los Angeles. A town I livedin for a very long time, I don't live there anymore
03:36and it's weird going backto a town that you haven't livedin for a long time because actually I had a bitof time and I went to a dinerthat I used to go to at the 101cafe which is, if you knowLos Angeles, it's very famous old spotit's not called the 101 cafe anymore. It's called the
03:54Clark's Diner. I think it'sIt's gone very good. It's actually better than it used to be. But I just, I've been going there since I was in my early 30s and I'm in my late, early 60s. I'm in 64 this year. I mean, hell.Anyway, I went back to this place that I've been going to since I was in my early 30s. I haven't been for a while. And I thought, the thought occurred to me, you know, I should probably just move.back to Los Angeles and be in my early 30s.And then I figured out that I can't do that.You can't move back to the past.In fact, I believe the quote is,I can't remember who said it,
04:39but the quote is,the past is another country.They do things differently there.Which is inaccurate because if the past was another country,you could just go.You can go and visit the past.Well, I suppose you can't visit the past, can't you, in memory?And nowadays, memory is not.
04:56no longer they preserve. Oh, by the way, I just picked up a drink to drink something of it,and then I put down without drinking it, which telling from the comments, which I'm looking aton the computer, that's driving a lot of people crazy. People who watch this podcast, they watchme pick up a glass, about to take a drink, then I don't take a drink. Apparently I do the samewith coffee as well. Well, you know, in my defense, it's because I'm talking to you. And I, you know,I pick it up to drink and I thought, oh, and then I get engrossed in what I'm saying.saying and I put my drink down, but I'll have a drink now, hold on.Ah, there you are.
05:31Now, I like to go, ah, after I've had a drink.I think it goes back to my drinking days, when I would have a drink of alcohol and go,ah, going to jail.Anyway, the past is another country.They do things differently there.You can visit the past, but you can only visit in memory.And until very recentlythat was your
05:58Maybe some photographsSome you knowSomeSome writing some diariesSome paintingsMaybeBut now of course the pastAnd for the past
06:08I guess20 years or soMaybe moreThe past is digitisedPeople's memories are digitisedYou ever get that thingPeople will sayWe'll send you a photograph
06:20Or something out of the blueAnd this just popped up in my phoneI find that quite simplethough, that peoplewill send things that just poppedup on their phone. What business is your phonegot reminding you of things?I don't care
06:37for it. I find all of those things quitesinister. I feel like though I maybe in the minority. I feel likeI'm, you know,tilting at windmills a littlebit here, but Ifeel like the technology isI'm exhausted by it. I don't want to
06:52it. I'm sure manyof you are aware of this, and if you'renot, I will tell you, Ihave social media accounts, but Idon't, I don'tlook at themin the waythe people do. I don't scroll through it.
07:09I certainly don't scroll through social mediaor look at other people's social media. I don'tdo it. And Ithink I probably started doing that,started being like thatbecause I'm, you know,some kind of smugg elitist.But I think
07:24now I do it because,I think it's for mental health.Actually, it was always for mental health.I don't think you're meant to see it.I don't like the computer or an algorithm deciding what I see and what I don't see.I was, I came up ageing punk rock, my friends.The whole idea was that you fight the power.Well, if the power is in your phone, then how do you find it?
07:47Disengage, that's what I think.Anyway, I feel like people's memories used to be, you know,organic and in that wayI actually think that's a kindnessbecause I think yourbody your brain is probablyI guess I'm not a doctor but I'm just guessingthings and being fanciful and why should
08:11I bother being qualified? Nobody else isexcept actual people who are qualifiedobviously but there'sI mean on the internet which we're onright nowanyway what I've got nothing against the internetby the way is this social media I'm talking aboutnot the internet I think the internet
08:27it is actually, you know, on balance, probably a great event.But I think the social media area of it, you know, here's the, what I would say.There's a, I think I even said this before, there's a park in London called Hyde Park.It's a beautiful big park.And there's a part of it called Speakers Corner.And ever since the Middle Ages, anyone can go to Speakers Corner on the same.whatever they want and and people go there and yell whatever conspiracy theories they have orwhy the king should not be the king and all that kind of stuff and um and it's a tiny little corner
09:10of the park and it's got a lot and everyone goes and watches the crazy people but most of the parkis lovely and that's not terrible either it's just that's where all the crazy people goand i think the internet's a bit like that like most of it it's funny but then there's a bit of itAnyway, the reason I don't like the algorithm or any digital technology to cite in what I remember or to stimulate memory in me is because I feel like it removes the chance for me to be wrong about something.And I'll tell you what I mean about that.See, I think in memory it's quite a nice thing to the way your brain, you know,you kind of filter out really bad thingsand you kind of remember the good times
10:00or some people remember the bad times.I mean, I don't know.It just doesn't feel very organic,which of course is not.It's not organic.And I think that's the point.Anyway, how'd I get on to this?I don't know.
10:15I'll just complain about social media again,like some old guy yelling on his lawn,which I think probably that's what this podcast has turned into.Old man on.lawn yelling in people.Digital yawn,yon, digital, digital yawning,digital lawn yelling.
10:35That's what this has turned into.How sad that it should be that, Craig.Well, anyway, I don't was going to tell you,but social media accounts.So I have them,but I don't scroll social mediaand I don't look at them.And that way I get, you know,
10:50there was a company that I had until very recentlythat they would curate.the social media accounts.Lots of people do this.So they put out things like projectsthat are coming up and all that kind of stuff.And I've been doing that.But I think now I'm actually about to change tack with that
11:12in the sense thatI don't feel like I want to even endorse it with my presence.So I'm going to keep...I've got some dates booked until the end of the year.stand up there. So I'm going to keepthough, not the end of the year actually, Juneof this year.And I'm going to keep the
11:33social media accounts open so that they canpublicize those dates untilthat time. Andthen I thinkI'm going toshut down the social media accounts that I have.I don't really have that many. I have anInstagram account when I Twitter account
11:50I think and that's it. Maybeactually there may be something on TikTokas well and I'll bet you there's something on Facebook.Anyway, what I'm going to do is I think I'll probably going to shut them down.And then the only place that I will stay connected to anyone who isn't halfway interested in what my particular one yelling is going to be can see me here.I'll do one of these once a week and I think that's enough for everybody.I don't need to be, gosh, look what I don't.I mean, I don't think people post
12:25photographs of their lunch anymore, do I think?Maybe they do.I don't know.Cats?Photographs of cats.I've got plenty of photographs of our cat.Which is weird because I won't say this about photographs of my cat.I'm not my cat, by the way.
12:41The family cat.A cat that lives with us.I think any photograph I see the cat doesn't look like the cat.Is that weird?I think the catparticularly this catI feel like unless you see the actual catyou don't really get what it's about
13:00I think there's some things the camera missesand with catsthat's certainly trueall rightso there's a couple oftweets and emails and letters and commentsfrom people well there's quite a lotbut I say a couple
13:16because as you knowI try and answer these tweets and emailsand tweets and emails are coming fromyou think there's a jingle.Tweets and emails are coming in.No.I try and answer them, but what happens is usuallyI start answering one and I get sidetracked and then.
13:38I only get through about one or two.And they're building up.I will be honest with you.We're going to open up more storage for all these things.But I'm getting through them in time.This is from Zane Akbari from Salt Lake City, Utah.Oh, now, I like Salt Lake City.Salt Lake City has got one of the best Mexican restaurants I've ever been to,
14:02and I really wish I could remember the name of it.Anyone in Salt Lake, I bet you will know the name of this restaurant,because it's quite famous.And I went there the last time I was like, oh man, this is banging.This is great.A great Mexican restaurant, which I don't know why I shouldn't be surprised by that.But anyway, it's there.I wasn't surprised.
14:19I'd just like it.And if I could remember the name of it, I'd give it a plug.if that's even a thing now.Maybe I should mention them on my Instagram account.Zane Agbari says,any chance you could interview Thomas sometimes.I've always enjoyed hearing from him on the Sirius showand it seems he'd have something in some interesting stories to tell.
14:42Well, Zane, thank you for the question.Thomas, if you don't know, I'm sure most of you do.Tomas is my friend and is a tour manager.and he worked on the American On Purkish show that we did for CNN.He and I worked together a lot.Tomas, amongst other things, manages stand-up appearances for me in stand-up shows.And so we travel together a lot.And the idea of me interviewing Tamas, I don't know if that would work.
15:16I mean, we talk all the tiny bit.But Tomas is from the Czech Republic.and I still call the Czech Republic anymore.I think he's called Czechia now.He's originally from Czechia.He's an American now, but he's from Czechia,which used to be the Czech Republic,which used to be Czechoslovakia,
15:34which used to be,well, used to be the Soviet Union.He used to be one of those guys.I don't know how happy they were about that.Vaclavlaville was a very impressive statesmanfromwhat was then Czechoslovakia, I think.I don't know.
15:54I don't know much about that.Maybe, you know what?I should interview Tomas.I should interview Tomas about the history of Czechia.I'll do that.I'll do that the next time Tomas and I are working together,which is actually not far away, I think it's in a couple of weeks.He's gone to Korea today.
16:15Or tomorrow.He's gone to Korea because.is he also he manages a lot of different bands he manages dinosaur junior headvises a japanese heavy metal band called boris who are very good japanese heavy metal japanese heavy metaljapanese heavy metal are sort of punky heavy metal they're a kind of genre of their own a band calledboris are very good um and tamas is their manager and they are appearing this is going to appeal to a lot ofyou, I know. They're appearing in Korea for the first time this week, and so Tomas is going over therefor that, and he's quite excited about it. There, I couldn't. So when he gets back from Korea,
16:58which is in a couple of weeks when we're working together again, I will interview Tomas abouthis experiences in Korea and the political history of Czechoslovakia. It sounds like a viralpiece of clickbait that people are going to go crazy for. Tomaz's impressions ofgrey and a breakdown of the political situation in the former Czech Republic which is now calledCzechia this is from Bon John John Bejarno not Bon Jojabano John Bejarno from San MateoCalifornia John says what invention would you like to see happen in your lifetimeGosh, there's too many. I mean, medical inventions would be good.You know, they used to always talk about flying cars.
17:56People say, oh, you're in the future of all have fly cars.Which, I think we have.We've had that for a while.They're called planes.You can have a plane.I don't like the idea of a flying car.I'll tell you for why.Because people drive badly enough, am I right?
18:11Said an old man yelling on his lawn.But, I mean, if you're in the air,Also, I have a pilot's license.And let me tell you this.There's a lot of rules about flying around in the sky.And a lot of airspace rules and different restrictions about who can fly where and what kind of thing they can fly and the power of the there and all that.You can get into a lot of trouble not knowing about weather conditions and there's a lot to learn.So, flying cars, I love.
18:46I don't know.I mean, it's bad enough.You get a drone near an airport and everything has to shut down and all that.Although, let me just say this, by the way, as I come back from seven days, I think four commercial flights, five commercial flights in seven days, something like that.It's a miracle.The commercial airline system.Everyone bitches about it.But if you think about it, I mean, I've been all around the United States in a week.
19:17and I think the latest I was delayedwas like 10 minutesand I didn't even think that happened to be honestI was air lay a couple of timesI took an airlinewhich I haven't taken beforewell I've taken once beforebut I took this airline
19:35the only direct flight that I could getthe time I wanted fromLos Angelesto St Louis was in an airlinecalled Southwest which I'm suresome of you will be familiar with.And I have to tell you this.I was very impressed.
19:53It was good.What is interesting is it's on coach,which, you know,but as it turned out, I was sitting next to Tamas anyway,so it doesn't really matter.And then Tomas was sitting next to,I was at the window,Tomas was in the centre.
20:08Tomas is bigger than me, but he was fine with the centre.So I was in the window,Tomas was in the centre.He's like six foot five, I think,ass or six.He was in the centre.Then next to him was a very smalllady, so all worked out.
20:22And the verysmall lady, I think, was quitehappy to be sitting next to us. And we allhad a lovely time together.So, that was fine.I don't...So, of what inventionwould I like to see happen in my lifetime?
20:39I don't know, but...If I was an invention I would liketo see happen, then I'd go aboutmaking it a hand.You know, I'm clearly I'm not in a position to do anything for medical inventions or anything like that.And, you know, I'm too long in the tooth for flying cars or...Was it on the self-driving cars?That's the thing now, right?
21:01I mean, you get waymowers, but...I don't know.I mean, although when I was in London, about a month ago, I was in London, England, and I saw Waymos being tested.of the self-driving taxis.I thought, that's aninteresting call in London. Is thatgoing to work? Because the streetsof London, of course, were built
21:28way beforethe invention of the motor car.Or even the idea thata road should be a straight line. I mean, they'vegot straight line roads in parts ofLondon, but a lot of it isall wiggly, wiggly andthen one-way streets and
21:44I don't know. Maybea Waymo can handle London, butwait then where are you going to get your cheeky you know chat from who's going to sayoh right khafda where can i take you and all the lovely chat you get from london cab driverswhich is a real thing um if you haven't visited uh if you haven't ever been at london why don't you gothere take a cab a real one not a robot one and you will find uh some of the chatiest uminteresting and interested people driving these cabs.I mean, not everybody's going to be right.
22:24And you're not going to agree with everyone, certainly.But I always rather enjoyed the kind of cheeky patter of the London cabby,which brings me back to my kind of luddy idea about technology.I think something is lost in everything.If memory is all digital and...being in a cab is digital or, mind you, I took a cab in New York today when that I'd have beenmuch happier if that cab had to be just me in it and not everything else that was going onin that camp with the driver. But, you know, that's part of life though, isn't it? You kind of,
23:06you have to deal with people. And then you get to, look at my line of work, you know, whether I'mwriting things or if I was acting,things or if I'm doing comedy about things or even doing a podcast, my job is kind of I have tointeract and observe people. But I have to interact and observe them in, I think, in real life,because if you only interact and observe people online, then you're only seeing, you know,the curated version of them, whether it's curated by them or by some algorithm.rhythm that feels that you want to see certain things.I don't know why I feel so resentful of that.
23:53Especially when, you know, it says,we think you'll enjoy this.I'm like, oh, yeah.I don't even like it when you're watching streaming stuff on TV.Then it's like, if you enjoy this, you might enjoy this.I'm like, how about you mind your own fucking business?How about that?That's what I would like to say to computers.
24:17That's my message to computers for today.Mind your own fucking business.Just, like, give me what I want.And then mind your own business.Which is a terrible thing to say.I'd never speak to a real person like that.So maybe I shouldn't speak to computers like that.Wrong.
24:39This is from Ed Manera.Ed doesn't say where he's from.But he's asking a question.What are some good lessons you've learned as a traveling comedian?Here's a lesson I've learned.Embrace the checked luggage auction.I have now, for years and years and years, I was like, oh, no, hand luggage,got to be hand luggage, got to get out in the airport, move on, hand luggage to hand luggage.
25:08But I've stopped that.And here's what, this is my new thing for traveling now.This is my traveling tip for anyone that does a lot of traveling.on airplanes.When I go to the airport, because I travel so much I have these,you can get into the lounge or you can go into the thing.A lot of the time other people are paid for the ticket,so I get a fancy ticket, I get a first-class ticket,
25:33that gets you in the lounge sometimes.But I've stopped going to the lounges because I have found that what I like to dois I listen to music and I walk around the airport.I was doing it because I became obsessive about getting my steps in.because of an old geyser, but actually, I much prefer it.Because if you walk up and down, like,let's listen to some music, walk around the airport and get,it's not an exercise, not like you go for a run.
25:59But, you know, you get a walk, and you walk around,and some of the airports go through are enormous.I was in the early accident other day.I walked five miles, I counted it on my phone,using digital technology, which I'm growing up about, but it was good.I walked five miles in that airport before I got on my fly.at a brisk paceand
26:19I like thatbecause once you go on the planeyou're not walking anywhereyou're sitting down foryou know wherever long it isand I alwaysthink that to go to the airportto sit down to wait so you can sit down more
26:35I know I know everybodyeverybody's different ways of doing itbut that's what I've learnedI like to travel the way you want to travelas much as it's possibleyou know check your bagso it takes another 20 minutesat the other end
26:51check your bagand put on your little backpack and walk around the airportlistening some nice musicumtheuh this is a final questionI don't have time for any more questionsthis is from Earl Plotner
27:08doesn't say Earl doesn't say what he's fromor even if that's his real namebut he might be an EarlEarlare all horses fake?No, no, they're not.Some of them are real.Now, the question clearly is a reference to my dear friend, Secretariat,
27:32who is a fake horse made up of two different people in a horse costumethat occasionally accompanies me in live performances,although not recently,and was a fake woman contributor, had his own stableon my old late night showbutSecretariatnot a real horse
27:55a fake horseI still have the skinof Secretaryactually it's not unlikethis hoodie I'm wearingSecretariatthis is not Secretarydo not worry
28:03this is not SecretariatI have Secretariatin my garageat homeandbut there's noone in itright now
28:18so it's not moving aroundIf I saw that horse moving around, at the moment I'd be alarmed.I'd think it was a ghost in it because fake horses need people inside.You just might as well know.It's not that all horses are fake.It's that real horses have only horse inside.Real horses are horse all the way through, whereas fake horses are outer clothing, not even horse.just, well, this is
28:51valour, I guess.So, fakehorses are valour and thenpeople all the way through, but real horsesare likehorse hairand then horse all the way through.I hope that's cleared it up for you.
29:07So not all horses are fake.I think we'll call the episode that.We'll call this episode,not all horses are fake.Not all horses are fake.Not all technology is bad.not all the internet is bad, not even not all social media is bad. But I think for me handing overthe my decision-making process of what I like to appreciate, whether it's music or film or any
29:43form of art if I hand that decision-making process over to someone else, it's a bit like a self-drivingcar. Sorry for some people, but I'm not into it. I like driving. I like making up my own mind.I like to make decisions. I like to be wrong sometimes. I like to see sometimes things that Idon't like so that I can say I don't like that. But I saw it and it's not for me.I mean, if you keep seeing things you like all the time, what's that I doing?That can't be right.Is that right?Is that healthy?
30:21It can't be.Um, well, if you made it this far out in the podcast, it probably is mad as mad as I am.I don't know what I said that.It's like those signs people have to, used to have in their office.You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps.I hate all that.I don't hear itI just
30:43You know what it isI'm a little tiredI'm a little tiredI'm a little crankyBecause I've been onPut on the Roos for a weekSo what I'm going to do nowIs I'm going to turn off
30:55This machineI'm going to bid youAdieuAnd I'm going to go andHave a showerAnd I'm going to putSome kind ofmoisturizing cream in my body and drink a lot of water and try and get some feeling of collagen back into my skin.
31:19I look forward to your beauty tips and I will see you next week.But remember this. Not all horses are fame.
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