Joy, a Podcast. Hosted by Craig Ferguson - 129 - Vampire Penguins

Episode Date: February 24, 2026

Craig is fresh off his recent promotional tour for his show SCRABBLE and he reflects on some interviews he did on podcasts. But things very quickly turn to the topic of vampires? Why? Because sometimes they need to be discussed. But that doesn't prevent some tweets and emails being answered. There's still plenty of time for both. Have a question for Craig? Drop him an email at: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠[e-mail]⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, send him a message on social media, or drop a comment below. _______________________________________________ Craig is also on the road. Dates and tickets can be found here ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.thecraigfergusonshow.com/tour ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠_________________________________________________ FIND CRAIG: Website - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.thecraigfergusonshow.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/craigyferg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ TikTok - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@craigy_ferg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ X - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.x.com/craigyferg⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Facebook - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/thecraigfergusonshow⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ABOUT THE JOY PODCAST: Storied late-night talk host Craig Ferguson brings his Joy Podcast to you. Joy is a free association improvised broadcast with a quick witted smart ass. Craig answers your questions in his own way. No guests. No Bullshit (actually that’s bullshit. It’s all bullshit.) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This is me, Craig Ferguson. Come see me live in your region on my Pants on Fire comedy stand-up tour. For the full list of dates and tickets, go to the Craig Ferguson Show.com. VIP meet-and-grit packages are available as well. Come say hi and have a laugh. A-ha-ha! Hello, everyone. Welcome to The Joy Podcast.

My name is Craig Ferguson. And I am your host for The Joy. podcast and your guest. My guest today is me as it is every day in the Joy podcast or every every once a week in the Joy podcast it's a chance for you and I to get together and hang out

talk about whatever you want to talk about except are you really here or is it just me? You're here I can feel you in the real. Anyway well that's scary. It'd be like a vampire or something. Oh by the way vampires. Here's the thing.

Now this movie's Sinners that everyone's talking about. I haven't seen it yet, but I'm a bit scared because I don't really... I'm a bit scared of vampires. And I don't know why, but vampire legends,

I mean, I can handle pretty much any kind of a scary thing, but vampires creep me out. I think it's the whole coming into your house sucking your blood thing. I think that people enjoy that kind of creepiness

of, like, you know, remember, interview with the vampire when Anthony What was the say? Antonio Banderas did that thing over the flame

where he went and he had his fingers over the flame of a candle which every drunk person in the world has ever done when they're not vampires anyway well not every drunk person what I'm saying is when I was a drunk person

I've done that before and I'm not a vampire to my knowledge anyway everybody kind of love that vampire legend that kind of think vampires are cool there was once on the Eurovision

song content which is a contest of I'm sure you know the Eurovision song contest if you don't you must Google it and find out about it it's a high cap hilarity which once a year

is very good anyway once on the Eurovision song contest app I came from the Eurovision Salt Contest so you get what I'm going The it was once in the Eurovision song called this, I think it was a band from Eastern Europe. I can't remember the name, but he sang a song called Vampires Are Real,

which was unnerving in many, many different ways. But the song ended with, Vampires Are Real, and then they got. And I, but I don't think they are. I think it's an allegorical. myths. But maybe they are real. I don't know. I just know that I said this to someone recently on when I was a guest on somebody else's podcast, they don't bother me so much in New York because I feel like if they were vampires in New York, they'll be in a club somewhere or something, you know, when they're not coming to your house. Although there was that film with Catherine DeNove and David Bowie as vampires in New York. I think it's called him The Hunger, David Bowie. And David Bowie. I'm going out to drink some blood and enjoy

being of them blood David Bowry of course always cool I don't really know why except because he's super talented and very good looking yeah that'll do it anyway

so today on this podcast I'm going to read your your tweets and emails your tweets and emails are coming to me and I will read them as much as I can be honest in my reply there that's a

that's a throwback to the days of the old late night show when we have tweets and email jingles where we would have jingles jingles were a thing or on radio such an odd thing we used to think radio had this this thing with jingles where they were

you know the show was like a little Bob Weisy and Griff in the morning. Bob Weisy and Griff in the morning just tiny little songs about the length of a TikTok. They were audio TikToks. That's what jingles were back in the day. Audio

TikToks on the radio and people would play them, it's time for the news. And then they tell you the news. Anyway, first of Although let me address a controversy or a controversy, or however you like to pronounce it, I can't remember how I'm made to say it sometimes

because I'm not originally from New York City. Controversy. Controversy. I think it's controversy. I don't know. Anyway, this is a thing that seems to be bothering many of you is that many times apparently I lift up my coffee cup and it looks like I'm going to drink and then I remember what I'm saying and I put it out. And that is true.

I do do that. Now, I feel like that's not a major character flaw. I've had worse, but I can understand how it might be irritating. So I will endeavor in the future that when I pick up my coffee to drink it, I will drink it. Now, of course, if you're not watching this, if you're just listening to this, as many people do, apparently most of you who consume this podcast only listen to it which is not only at all

I mean that's I didn't even film it for ages I mean I just I thought it was meant to be audio but apparently you have to put a video version of it anyway here we are but if you're only listening to it you're not aware of my weird coffee cup pick it up put it down behaviour it's only something that's come to light

in recent times when I put a YouTube version of this podcast on YouTube, which hasn't been going that long. But there you go. I did a couple of podcasts recently, and I rather enjoy doing them. I did Dan Soder's podcast.

What a charming man. I really like talking to him. I'd quite like to be his friend, but I feel like that's a little weird. You know, like, it's hard, you know, when you get to be a bit older. And you're like, well, I'd quite like to be your friend. But what do you?

You know, like, you phone up and say, yeah, you want to be friends? when I go and hang out somewhere or something. I feel like I've reached a point in my life where any friends I've got, that's the friends. I don't think I'll be able to make new friends. And I'll be honest

with you, I don't, shut out. A lot of friends. Like most men, I know. I mean, I've lot of people that I know, but, like, I'm not on a WhatsApp group. My wife will be, like, when a news story breaks, There's like a dozen different women.

They all text each other, you know, headlines and bits and pieces and links to things about the story and stuff. It's like a... It's alarming. Well, I wouldn't want it. I have my friend John, who's on vacation right now, and then Thomas is working elsewhere. I've got a few other friends.

But those people have a friendly whet. I don't want to make you think that I'm sitting alone talking to a recording device on his own in his apartment. Even though, I am. I am a man alone. That sounds very sad. I tell you, you know, I'm a man as well. I wear shorts. I don't know if, I mean, obviously, you're spared this if you're consuming on audio.

but I am wearing shorts and I have to tell them wear socks too my legs of whilst not bad for a matter of my years are very white

but then again so am I so what are you gotta do I I'd quite like to get out in the sun soon it feels like it's been

a very snowy winter doesn't it my dears um like very snowy too snowy I think um that's what I'm going to say

anyway I'm gonna I'm kind of looking over here because if you're looking you, if you're just listening, you're like, what are you saying, Craig? I'm looking off to the side here because I have my computer here, my, what do you want to call it, laptop? And on this laptop, I have questions from you, tweets and emails,

which I'm going to endeavor to answer, right now. All right. This is from Amy Jasual in Westchester, New York. I know Westchester. I used to work years ago. One of my first jobs in the United States, I got a job. I'm a lot about this in a book called American On Purpose,

which was a New York Times bestseller. Thank you. Written by me. One of my first jobs in America was working as a laborer on a state up there. I kind of like did manual work for. a gardener who worked on the estate. It wasn't for long. It was like,

no. Maybe like a, that's most of a summer. I do remember it, though, because it was one of my first American summers, and when I was going to work, I was still drinking back then. I was young. I was, like, 21. And I

would often be going to work with a hangover in the morning, which is one of the buy products of drinking. And I don't know, by the way, how I would deal with a hangover. over that. I mean, I'm 63 years old now. The idea of I mean, I stopped drinking

when it's 20 night and the hangovers were bad enough then and I've talked to friends of mine who still drank plenty of them. Even for someone who says they have not many friends, I don't know why I said that. Anyway, look,

the people I know who drink and they're in their 40s and 50 and stuff. They're like, oh, God, it's so bad. And I'm like, I can't really imagine. I was bad enough when I was 20. And I was, you know, I feel like I had more resources physically at that time.

Anyway, I'm glad I don't know if I am. Anyway, what I was saying was Westchester. I worked near a place, a place near Westchester. And I would often go to work. I had to walk to work. I was staying with my Uncle James and I would walk over a, you know, a couple of ruins. It was kind of rural here. and go to work.

And in the morning, when I had a hangover at these beautiful summer mornings, there was a field that had watermelons in it, yellow watermelons. They were part of the estate I was working on there. I'd never seen yellow watermelons before. I'd barely seen watermelons before. I had seen watermelons in cartoons, obviously. But that was basically my experience of watermelons.

And on the way to work, I would see these watermelons. on the estate I was working on and I picked one up one morning and I cracked it open. It was quite cold and I sucked out the juice like a vampire. I was like a watermelon vampire. Watermelon vampire. Isn't that a Harry-style song? I don't know. Anyway, I was like a watermelon vampire and I sucked all the juice out of the watermelon.

I never tasted anything as and so delicious in my life. And I used to every morning when I had a hangover, I'd crack open a watermelon. watermelon straight from the ground, a yellow one, and I'd suck all the juice out. And I feel now that I may have solved the problem on vampires. Why do vampires do it? Because to vampires, we taste like fresh yellow watermelon from the ground when you've got a homeover. Well, I mean, if it tastes that good, can you blame them for sucking all the juice out? The answer is no. You can't. Anyway, can you blame anyone for being true to the nature? Yes, you can. Anyway, Amy Jaswell from West Chesester, New York says,

I fell in love with the song, By Your Drum, by Dead Man Fall. Oh yeah, yeah, I know that band, that song. When it was played on the Late Late Show finale, did you personally choose the song for the last episode, if so, does it have any special theme for you? Yes. On the last episode of the Late Night Show,

we played a song called Bying Your Drum by a Scottish band called Dead Man Fall. and it does have special meaning for me and I did choose that song because I felt like that song summed up why I wanted to leave the late night show

I done what I wanted to do and I felt like I wanted to go on and do other things and it was time for a change but I wanted to keep and bang it up well you if you listen to the song you'll find out but yes of course it has a special meaning

I feel like I'm going to say something about that late night show now. And this is true. That was, for the most part, that show, especially in the towards the last half of it. So I did it for 10 years. It was mostly whatever I wanted to do. It was how I expressed myself in that environment.

And I feel like in that regard, I'm very, I'm proud of that show anyway, but I feel like it was my take on it and it was a personal thing. So not only was the song personal or the finale personal, but the show was personal. It was my take on whatever it was. And more and more and more,

I feel like it became a parody of late night because I feel like, conventions, show business conventions have always felt a little forced to me, a little awkward. So one of the reasons why I like to doing the podcast. I did, I did Dad Soder's podcast.

I did a bunch of them. The Tompapa's podcast. I'm forgetting one. It was a big one as well. Anyway, the, I did a bunch of podcasts with a bunch of very nice gentlemen. It was all dudes, I think. Actually, yeah, it was all dudes. And I like the podcast environment

because it doesn't seem forced. But I suppose the longer it goes on, it'll become, and the more, you know, whilst the corporate overloads get their fingers into it, it'll become more kind of like, well, what we need, you to do, but I didn't get a vibe from anybody's podcast that they were being

pushed around by their corporate overlords and I have to say, fair play for them. Well done, you younger generation for having freedom to express yourself. Although I feel like I found a way and then still doing it. Still finding

a way to... The trouble is, I think, now is that when I was in my earlier days of show business, the people that were corraling you and trying to get you to be a certain way where you're bosses, you know,

where the people who employed you. And in a way, that's still true, but it's kind of different now because your boss, as it always really is in show business, is your audience. And so if your audience doesn't like what you do, they'll say, we don't like what you do, and they'll all get very mad at you.

And it's kind of more intimate in a way. I think I quite like that. Although the truth is, I don't think I don't think I would let myself be led by I think what's probably better is to be yourself

and if you don't like what I do then there's plenty of alternatives and I think that's pretty good that you know it's not like I had to watch the joint podcast with Greg Ferris and I had to you don't have to you know what

in fact I would see a large group of people, perhaps most people on earth don't. And you can happily be part of that majority and you'll be fine. This is from Margo Lane in Elk, California. I feel like Elk

might be one of them twin peaks tight towns. You know what I mean? Like quiet, sleepy town with a share of food, enjoys. I'm fine coffee. Strange stuff happens. There may not be true. be a bustling metropolis, but I feel like if Elk were a bustling metropolis,

I probably have been there because I do travel a lot and I'm going to a long bustling metropolis. Sometimes I'm not a bustling metropolis, sometimes in a small town, much like elk. There was a small town I was in fairly recently and I really liked it.

It was a town called Bristol on the Tennessee-Virginia border. Bristol, it's in Tennessee, but it's also a little bit. It feels to me like it's in Virginia. I feel like I may be walking into a big local controversy there but I was in Bristol, Tennessee. And that sort of driving into it. I thought, well, it's just like any other town.

And then I got into the centre of town. I went, actually, it's a lovely little town in Bristol, Tennessee. I really liked it. And they have there something that I've never been to, that I'd really like to go to, which is the Bristol Motor Speedway. I think I'd really enjoy that. It's kind of like hardcorey kind of fast driving. I'd like to see that.

And you know what? Next time they're having it, I think I'll head down to Bristol, Tennessee. So if you're looking for me, I'll probably be in Bristol at the Bristol North Speedway. I enjoy the car of racing. I'm not crazy about it. You know, I'm not like one of those, like David Letterman and Jay Leno are both family into cars. Jerry Seinfeld, I think, as well. I think it might be something you needed a lot of money for.

I'm beginning to suspect that might be what it is. Anyway, this is from Margo Lane in Elk, California, and they said, when you were a wee lad, did anyone read you bedtime stories? Yes, of course, I think. You know, when I was a wee lad, it was a long time ago. You know, the printing press had just been invented.

and peasants were learning how to read. So the Reformation was only a couple hundred years away. I feel like I was read a lot of stories. The first story I remember ever heard was Jack in the Beanstalk. I think it was Jack in the Beanstalk. And I will tell you this. Recently I was on a flight from Los Angeles

to, no, from New York to Los Angeles. I was on my way to Elk, California, but in order to get to Elk, you have to land in Los Angeles and then take a Larma to Elk. Anyway, I was on my way from New York to Los Angeles. It was a fairly long flight, it's like six hours.

And I noticed on the, it was a Delta flight. I noticed on the in-flight entertainment, the sound of music was an option to watch the movie. And the sound of music is a three-hour movie, so I thought, and here's why I've got to talk to you about it, because it is the first movie I remember saying, and it certainly in family lore, it was the first time they took me to a cinema when I was a little kid.

And apparently, when I saw the nuns, They had to take me there because I was frightened of nuns when I was a kid. I thought they were large penguin-like creatures that would have. Vampire, almost. As it turns out, the vast majority of nuns are very nice women with devotion. And the faith, which is enviable. But I wasn't aware of any of that kind of stuff there. And the nuns terrified me with her outfits.

So when I was a little baby, I saw the nuns coming in, They were trying to solve a problem like Maria, but that was much too frightened for me. And they had to take me out of the cinema. I was like, ah, we got to get out of here. And I somehow equate nuns with scary, or I did then, with a kind of scary vampire thing. I wonder if I was attacked by a large penguin at some point.

Anyway, the reason why I bring up that because I remember that as being the first movie that I ever saw, or in a movie theater the sound of music and I so I was on the flight and I thought oh it's three hours long

and I haven't seen it since I was I watched it again when I was older and much enjoyed it is a classic movie it's great man and so I watch it again

and I'll tell you something about the sound of music two things one the nuns aren't scary they're actually I was completely wrong as a child the nuns are adorable in that movie too and it holds up it's a really good movie

I know that you know musicals are you know they they've changed now they are much more contemporary and stuff like that but I I loved the sound of it and loved it and

I was on the play it and the three hours went by like that because even in that movie they have the intermission because when they played them in the movie theaters they were so long three hours is a long time for a movie Alfred Hitchcock used to say a movie should only be as long as the endurance of the human bladder although he must have

had known some pretty strong bladders in this thing because he made some lengthy ones anyway the movie itself has an intermission because when it was played in movie theaters this happened with a bunch of movies they thought we have to stop here so people have to go to the bathroom or get

an ice cream, which people used to do in movie theaters, perhaps they still do. And I, uh, so I even, when the intermission came up on the, on the plane, I went to the bathroom. Isn't that adorable? Um, well, I mean, it's, it's just what's expected of you. Anyway, I, uh, I watched the sound of music on an airplane from New York to Los Angeles. Now this is a movie, which, it must be 60 years old, this film. And it was great. It was great. And I don't know why I think, I don't know why I was kind of surprised by that.

Maybe I enjoyed it because, and I'm over 60 years old, maybe that's what it was. But I think, I think it holds up. Anyway, no one holds up. It's grateful. Loved it. And of course, it is a classic movie. There's plenty of great movies that are older than that. Upshock was that now on long flights, my new thing is to try and find.

movies that are really long. So if you're a filmmaker and if perhaps you're a filmmaker, I think, hang on, I need to listen or watch the Joy podcast like most people in the world don't. Because I have a filmmaker

and Craig Ferguson's very important voice in the world of film. Then here's what I have to tell you, filmmakers. Make them for small screens and make them very long that would help on airplanes anyway used to be a thing

like back in the day of airplanes and very few of you I think were called this but back on the day they used to have a movie screen in the airplane so for a long flight you would be sitting in rows

and they would pull down a screen at the front of the plane and everyone would get little heads it was like a drive-in movie and everyone would watch the movie and the movies were almost always terrible but the good thing was you could hardly see them because everyone was smoking so you know

it swings and roundabouts it was a different time I think that in many ways air travel has improved although sometimes I miss I'm going to be honest with you sometimes I miss a cigarette and that's something I haven't smoked a cigarette in 30 years since I smoked a cigarette

maybe more and I still miss them I don't miss alcohol at all I mean I'm crazy but I don't miss it I don't miss what it did to me but I miss the feeling I'm smoking cigarettes

the problem is I mean I'm not interested in the vaping or not like that I mean look if it's not a cigarette I don't care I've tried cigars it's not familiar tobacco products unfortunately it's

pretty conclusively give you cancer and I'd really like to avoid that if I couldn't so I like to shorten the odds by not smoking and I yeah

but the weird thing is I think the nicotine I still occasionally in New York when you walk around most of the time you don't smell nicotine you smell weed. You smell a lot of weed.

I never cared for wheat. But they smell a lot of weed and you smell a lot of you smell pee, pizza, occasional poet for rat, I suppose. You'll smell various things.

Every now and again, you will smell someone smoking a cigarette and it's like a breath of fresh. I love the smell of other people's smoking. Isn't that weird? And of course, you know, I somehow feel that as I say that,

that that might enrage one or two of you. Then I realize that pretty much everything that anybody says is going to enrage someone, even if they like you. I've noticed that being married for a while and that someone can love you and they can never get mad at you if you say something that they think is a little dumb.

Boyd up. And nobody's mad at me today, there's nobody here. It's just me talking to you. Anyway, let's fit in one more question. And then this. This is from Cameron. Cameron doesn't say where he's from.

So I'm going to say it's Cameron of Loheel. Cameron of Loheel was the first clan chief to meet Bonnie Prince Charlie as he landed in Scotland to begin in 1745, disastrous 1745 Jacobi. I'm going to say rebellion or rising because there's a very different man.

I'm going to say Jacobite war. He started that, you know, his claim for the throne. He landed in Scotland and Cameron of Lockeal met him and said, you know what, I wish to go back. This is going to end badly,

which of course did very badly in the Battle of Colloden. The Battle of Chalodon, the battle had changed the world. If you don't know about that, you could Google it. Or maybe we'll do a special on it one day. But he did, the Battle of Colloden was the end of that. And Cameron of Loughiel met him and asked him very respectfully to fuck off back to Italy. But he didn't.

And I wish he had because, well, no, it's a long time ago. But it caused a lot of problems. A lot of people who hurt, kill. Because this twat wanted to be the king. I'm not a fan of bodyprint as Charlie the romantic nature of his remembrance is

not for me this is a guy who barely spoke the language of the country he wanted to be king of and when he had to escape he ran away he ran away

and I think that was disorderable and then he spent in that you know drag himself to death in Italy or some France, I don't know, somewhere where although here's the thing. I will say this, the nuns would have probably liked him

because he was a Catholic. And that was part of the whole thing, but that's a whole mission goes that we probably don't need to get into in a podcast called Joy. Anyway, that was it for today. We never found out what Cameron was going to ask me. I can see the question in front of me. and you know what

I'll put you out your misery this is Cameron's question probably not Cameron of Lockheel I think he might have passed on yeah it was 1745 he's probably moved on by now but anyway Cameron

not of Lockheel said if you could only wash one foot if you could only wash one foot whose foot would you wash oh so it was somebody else's foot if I had to wash one person's foot I think I would wash the foot of

I would wash the foot of Douglas Badder Douglas Badder was a British war hero he flew hurricanes of Spitfires I'm not quite sure but he lost his legs in a during the war in a plane he shot down and he lost his legs but he went

and he got new legs and he escaped where I mean he's amazing character but the truth is this his legs were prosthetic so if I had to wash his foot I'd be easy he's just wipe it done so that is

the Joy podcast for today I hope that we feel connected and if you've been watching this I apologize for my shorts and if you've been listening to it congratulations you avoided my shorts I'll see you next time my dears ta-ta