Joy, a Podcast. Hosted by Craig Ferguson - Morning Coffee and Questions

Episode Date: September 16, 2025

Craig is still on location overseas for work. But he's never been one to let you down, as he taped this episode of the Joy Podcast while having his morning coffee. He opened up his social media and email and decided to answer some of your burning fan questions. Does he like The Muppets? What are his takes on writing a book? All these questions and more as asked and Craig answers them all for you. He also apologizes for mixing up Vermont and Virginia but in his defense it was the ass crack of dawn. Have a question for Craig? Drop him an email at [e-mail], send him a message on social media, or drop a comment below. Craig is also on the road. Dates and tickets can be found here https://www.thecraigfergusonshow.com/tour

This is me, Craig Ferguson. I'm inviting you to come and see my brand new comedy hour. Well, actually, it's about an hour and a half, and I don't have an opener because these guys cost money. But what I'm saying is I'll be on stage for a while. Anyway, come and see me live on the Pants on Fire Tour in your region. Tickets are on sale now and we'll be adding more as the tour continues throughout 2025 and beyond.

For a full list of dates, go to the Craigfergersonshow.com. See you on the road, my dears. Hello, my name is Craig Ferguson. This is the Joy podcast. Coming to you today from a little tiny room at the top of a hotel in Glasgow, Scotland. I'm here doing a thing, which I can't tell you about, but it's not crime.

I'm not here doing a crime. I'm doing a bit of show business work but in Glasgow Scotland which is weird to think because I don't know if you know this about me but I'm from here I was born in Glasgow Scotland and I grew up

in a little sort of suburb satellite town of Glasgow Scotland called Cumbernauld which is I've said a lot of mean things about it over the years it's not that bad as long as I don't have to live there

it's fine and I'm sure they feel the same way now I don't have a guest today because I'm in a hotel room and if I had a guest that would be a whole different scenario so what I am doing today

is yet another questions and answers episode of the podcast where I receive I asked on the socials as they call them if you would send in questions and I would answer them because I feel like it's only the right thing to do so today again you are the guest

in the Joy Cod podcast and this is my first guest this morning is from Chris Fisher he's Chris Fisher I don't wear Chris his phone but I'm going to say he's from Switzerland I don't know if he is

but why not Good place as any I remember about Switzerland Tell her I changed planes there Oh I didn't change players there once I was once on a plane flying from London To the Seychelles Seychelles Air

And I think at the time The Seychelles Air only Seychelles is about 1,000 miles off the coast of Western Africa And I was going there for I don't know why I was going there I was going there I think for a holiday It was back in the day

you know let's go out of the seychelles yes so i was on my way to the seychelles the air seychelles i could only afford a you know a kind of coach seat on an air line i'd never heard of anyway air seychelles um they stopped their plane in zurich switzerland to refuel it and while it was there uh they opened the back door of the plane the cargo door of the plane they went up at us to there and had to look around and saw Switzerland, seemed all right to me. Couldn't tell much from the back of a plane that was refueling at Zurich Airport, but it seemed very nice. People seemed nice, but I didn't talk to anyone. They were only off in the distance, blowing big giant alpine horns

and enjoying delicious chocolate and clocks that were fascinatingly accurate. Anyway, this is from Chris Fisher in Switzerland, good time. I personally am a big Muppet fan, he says I'm me too I know you have been on Sesame Street and had the Muppets on your old late night show

What are some things you remember about these experiences I felt you and Pepe could have had your own show too I did very much like Pepe I still do Pepe the King Prawn who is a Muppet character

Peppy is is a prawn I don't eat prawns but you know I don't eat shellfish about any kind actually and I'll tell you for why because I don't think they're a buck

I know a prod in the shellfish it's a mollusk or something I don't eat mollusks I don't eat crabs and lobsters or anything like that I don't eat you know prawns, crabs, lobsters

anything like that I don't eat what do you call them like cockles and such oysters I had an oyster once with Steve Carell we were in New Orleans and Steve Carell and I were doing a bit from the old night show he was promoting a movie

and I was promoting the late night show and we went to an oyster barn Steve had never had oysters and I'd never had oysters and then he said I'll eat one of you eat one so I went all right because it was my show so I thought I better eat one then I ate one

and I hated it and I went oh my God that's awful and then he wouldn't eat one so but I don't blame him because it's not for me I have no any oysters

anyway Chris Fisher says oh yeah he was asked me about the Muppets I don't know my god well look well that's very good coffee

I don't know if you could tell from my cup I'm in Glasgow, he's the River Clyde It's very early in the morning By the way, it's probably why I've got the morning sounding voice I noticed there a little bit that I whistled about when I talked Did you guys hear that?

I was like, roost I think that's a real sign of getting over or you start whistling from your mouth and other areas I think I have occasionally whistled from my Fraser Department alright there's enough for that it's too early for that kind of talk

all right can I talk about my experiences with the Muppets well I can I did let me see I did Elmo this street and I did this thing where Elmo and I tried to calculate how many chickens it would take to carry me across the road

and with three normal size chickens and one enormous chicken, as it turned out. You can look it up on the internet. The internet is a thing on computers. I think it'll die out soon. I hope it will. You know, I feel that I was walking in Hyde Park in London the other day. I'm in Britain all over the place, right? I was walking in Hyde Park in London the other day and there's a corner of Hyde Park. It's called Speaker's Corner And since going back to the Middle Ages

And maybe before Speakers Corner is a place where anyone And you got to remember This was back in the day when You know It was dangerous to have an opinion That wasn't against It wasn't the orthodoxy

A bit like now except with the king And The But anyone was allowed to go to Speakers Corner And speak their mind It was a free speech corner Before America was, you know, a free speech, a country and free speech, you know, Voltaire and all that, before all that.

So, Speaker's Corner today still attracts people who have wildly different political opinions or about how things be run you get at them from people talking about current political situations to, you know, what they think is the best way to cook a chicken. And, you know, or people who they're against cooking chickens. And because it's Speaker's Corner and because anyone's like to talk there and it's kind of encouraged people go there to see whatever, you know, crazy people like to go there and yell is basically what I'm saying. And the people who are passing by or just interest and they're on Sunday morning will go and look at Speaker's Corner and see all the people yelling and shouting and doing all that stuff. And it's kind of a crazy place. But in this size of Hyde Park, it's a tiny little portion of height park, a tiny little section of it.

You know, but the park itself is huge, but the size of Central Park is an enormous park. And then the rest of the park people are, you know, walking their dogs or playing Frisbee or just sit up on a picnic or, you know, just going for a walk or just having a lovely family time or, you know, enjoying the beautiful scenery. and what I realized that Hyde Park I think is the internet most people are just kind of like on there you know scrolling through

dog memes or ponies or whatever and speaker's corner is you know social media where everybody goes so it's I think it's a tiny portion most people are just playing frisbee

maybe that's an over optimistic view I don't know I can't remember how I go on to that It was something to do with the Muppets. Anyway, this is from Mark R. He's my next guest. Mark R is from... Where do you think Mark R is from?

I'm going to say Australia. I don't know if he's from Australia, but it's as good a place as Eddie. And I have been to Australia. Let me tell you about that. I went to Australia twice. Sorry, I was knowing my coffee. I went to Australia in 19.

In 1987 and 1988, so I've been to Australia twice, and that's a long time ago, obviously, and I got sober in 1992, which is obviously also a long time ago. So in 1987, in 1988, I was in Australia doing stand-up comedy, and look, I wouldn't lie, I don't think it was that good. I was pretty chemically challenged at the time and I liked to go on stage and yell it was like speaker's corner but around the world

and I would go on stage and yell and try to stand out comedy and people seemed to enjoy it okay and I had a nice time but I liked Australia I I think

but it was a long time ago and I think Australia has changed and I know I have so recently I've been asked would you like to go back to Australia and I would but here's the problem I live in America

although I'm in Britain a lot right now I live in America and I don't know if you know this about Australia but it's a bit far away it's a bit far away from America and so if you guys in Australia wouldn't mind moving it a bit closer

sure but I don't understand if you don't want to. If you like where it is, I'll get there later on. I wouldn't go to Australia and do a tour, I think, at some point. But right now, because I've been in the UK for a little bit and I'm kind of keen to get back to America, probably won't be this year. I'm working a lot right now. It's, I suppose it's a good complaint, isn't it? I don't know. Just to feel, you know, sometimes, when you got up early and you're on your own in a hotel you think should I talk for you know half an hour to people I don't know

is that good idea yeah I'm doing it um anyway Mark R from Australia says Craig I couldn't have but notice the plethora of tattoos all over your arries yeah I do have a lot of tattoos you're great to notice Mark that's the Australians for you never miss a trick

as a result I'm rather curious if you're in the process of tattooing your entire body no what why would I do that wherever I know that's the case I'm additionally curious if you consider getting a tattoo

on your willy what on earth even if it's an appendage too far so to speak wouldn't it be a great tattoo wouldn't be a great tattoo for your willie to be the word wonka? No he's definitely from Australia

there's just the kind of ribald high jinx that Australians enjoy I would not I do have a lot of tattoos I have a lot of tattoos in my arms I don't have them anywhere else I would use black ink it's a personal thing

I just I kind of like them and I enjoy them I started getting them after my father died in 2006. My father hated tattoos and I thought it would be a great Celtic paradox to get a tattoo in remembrance of a man who hated tattoos so I got the Ferguson family crest tattooed on my, I think, my right arm.

And then a couple of years later, sadly, my mother died as well. So, I mean, after a couple of months after she died, I started to hear my mother in my dream saying, oh, you get a tattoo for your brother, but you didn't get a tattoo with your poor old mother. So they'll have

a tattoo from my mum. So I got my mother's maiden name was Ingram. So I got the Ingram family crest tattoos on my left arm. Interesting story. The tattoo on my right arm.

The Ferguson Family Quest was a very easy tattoo. It went on a couple hours, but didn't really aren't that much. The Ingram tattoo on my left arm seemed to take ages in a heart like billi-o. And that kind of sums up my relationship with my parents. My father and I had a very simple, kind of painless relationship. My mother and I had a much more complicated and I think painful for both of us a relationship. But ultimately, very loving.

But as I go at the second tattoo, my tattoo artist said to me, oh, two tattoos, hey, that's unlucky. I said, but you mean, he said, you've got to have an odd number of tattoos. You can't have an even number of tattoos. I was like, is that true? And other tattoo artists said, of course, it's true. I think, I don't think it really is true. I think it's a good way of getting somebody to get another tattoo or two tattoos at a time.

Because if you've got an odd number of tattoos, you're not going to get one or you're going to get another one. although now I have so many I genuinely don't know how many I have because little ones are part of bigger ones and so I don't know how you count them now anyway that was 2008 and in 2008 I had just become an American citizen so I got the Benjamin Franklin join or die a cartoon from the Pennsylvania Gazette tattooed in my forearm in celebration of becoming an American American, which I'm still proudly, and the tattoo itself is of a snake cut up into pieces with the first nine colonies, which were South Carolina, North Carolina, Vermont, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York, and New England, which that was the way they were. divided at the time, 1754. Benjamin Franklin, who I don't think people think of much as a political cartoonist, but that was a political cartoon. That was back

of the day when politics was still pretty contagious back then. In fact, I believe they had a revolutionary war. Not long after that. About 20 years after the 1754, I think 22 years later,

oh well you've you've probably heard about it if got um google it uh it was a it was a whole thing um anyway i got that tattoos that was three tattoos and then i don't know something happens when you get tattoos that kind of creeps up your spine you kind of you kind of think i'll need to get more and then i look at areas of my arms sometimes now and i think You know, you can't say. I try not to look at the mirror too much. I've reached that point in life. But when I see areas of my arms that are not tattooed, I think, well, that looks a bit empty of tattoos.

And people have very interesting kind of sometimes quite extreme reactions to tattoos. Like, as I say, my father hates tattoos. He said, you know, it was like, oh, no, that's for dirty people. which, you know, there's one way looking at that, I suppose. I don't think tattoos are counterculture anymore, rather.

I don't know if I ever thought they were particularly. I suppose they were back in the day, but I think now it's very mainstream tattoos. Everyone's got tattoos. Although I will say this.

I went to, I was in Japan a few years ago, and I was in the I was in a hotel in Kyoto and they had a swimming pool I was going for a swim and I had my swimming trunks on and swimming up and down in the swimming pool and one of the attendants

or one of the hotel staff came over and said very politely said excuse me you're swimming and I said yeah and he said would you mind putting on this shirt to swim went. I said, God, it's my body so hideous to Japanese people that I have to cover it up with a swimming shirt. And he said, it's because of your tattoos. I went, really? He said, yeah, we don't like that. And I never quite, I think it was a language thing. I think it's something to do with Japanese organized crime, Yaguzha, Japanese. I think it's, maybe that's just fanciful. But apparently they didn't like me. having my tattoos on display I wasn't displaying them

but they don't like me having the tattoos and they asked me to wear a swimming shirt which I did and actually I have to say it was quite tight swimming short and quite snug and it acted like spanks and I thought oh I might get anywhere in swimming shorts

it kind of it helped the you contain extra air bring them in a little bit but you know what honestly it might not be the tattoos it might have just been oh my god look at that guy let's put a shirt on him but they might have invented the tattoo story to not hurt my feelings which is possible because Japanese

people are lovely in my experience anyway when I was in Japan I loved it they were so nice and polite I was I would say I wonder I thought this when I was in Japan had I gone to a Japan as a younger man like run about the time I went to Australia maybe I wonder if I would have stayed there first of all I don't know if they would have led me but I really liked it and I really kind of responded to it it's a society which it's quite

very different to where I'm from but I really liked it I really liked people and I really liked their vibe and the vibes kind of about lazy word doesn't it what I mean is I really liked the way they did things and that the society seemed to make sense to me you know there was a lot of

manners and drunkenness that kind of worked for me at the time um so will I get any more tattoos yes probably but I don't I would never tattoo my entire body and I would never tattoo my gentleman's equipment

that's that would be extremely painful and I don't I just don't see the point of that and also who would do it um no no it's uh not for me I know some people have that done and fair play to them I'm not trying to judge anyone else but good Lord not for me um I don't think I'll get I well I say another thing about tattoos as you get older they seem to get more painful oh and People always think this as well. Think, well, those tattoos will look crap when you're old.

And I'm like, well, so I'm starting to look crap now. But I think the tattoos won't look as bad as me because they'll be younger. I mean, I get my first tattoo when I was 44. You know, so my tattoos will always be a lot younger than me. I think they'll last better than me. I think after I peg it, I'll have myself, you know, skinned and put on display. That's a terrible thing. say I would never do that.

But that was a bit grim. Anyway, I don't want that. So if I, you know, if I keel over in the next 20 minutes, don't say, well, that's what you wanted. Don't. I don't want that. I don't know what I want, but I don't want that. I don't know what I want, but I don't want that. It was the first draft of the meatloaf song

before they signed, I'll do anything for Muff. This is from Joanne in North Carolina. I know where she's from because she said where she's from there's a tip by the way if you're sending in a tweet or an email or a question for the podcast tell me where you're from then I won't have to make up where you're from because so far I've made up Japan Australia and Switzerland all of which of course are fictional countries I look forward to here I agree letters they're not fictional countries obviously they're real Joanne in North Carolina says Have you considered remaking Foyles War? No That could be a bit of a niche question for many people Foyles War if you don't know

And I imagine some of you don't It was a very enjoyable detective series It was made in Britain A few years ago It was about a detective. Detective Foyle, I can't remember his first name I want to say something like

Ebenezer or something like that because it was British, but I don't think so. I think it's probably like, you know, Sackham. But it was Foyle, Detective Foyle was a policeman in Britain during the war.

And so all the detective during the Second World War a lot of times people say the war in particularly in Britain, they mean the Second World War. which was, you know, a pretty big deal. If you don't know about it, Google it. It was a lot going on.

And Detective Foyle, it was a lovely show. It was a very kind of traditional murder mystery show. And I remember when I was watching it, I watched it while I was doing the old late-night show, and I used to talk about it at night. If you're listening to this podcast or if you're watching it on YouTube or something, I'd say the chances are fairly good

that you watch the old night show because that's kind of the people that hang with me. But I'm grateful for that. And so I kind of turned those people on to Foyles War, which seems like an odd way to say turning someone onto a television show. I mean, it's not like it was a hallucinogenic drug or anything. I didn't turn it anyone.

It wasn't like counterculture. You watch Foyles War and you start wearing a... Trillby and pretending to be a Second World War detective although I admit I did do that but people get into it and they talk you know I remember very distinctly

Patton Oswald the lovely comedian Patten Oswald very clever very very sweet man telling me he much he enjoyed Fawnes War after I told him about it so I felt I did some good while I was in Hollywood I'm not in Hollywood anymore

don't live there now let's see I'm sorry for getting so close to the camera I'm just looking at the other the other questions there's quite a lot of them I won't get all of them this is from Harry Colmer

who is Harry hasn't fit where he's from but Colmer says to me like a Finnish name I think Harry's in Finland and also of course a pretend country that doesn't really exist

it's a joke of course it does it's up near the other ones Harry says what is your favourite memory obviously I'm not doing his accent because it would be offensive for me to do a finish accent Harry says what is your favourite memory

of writing between the bridge and the river if you don't know between the bridge and the river is a novel that I wrote just before I started in the late actually I would have probably written more novels if I hadn't been writing um excuse me jokes for me and robot skeletons and everybody else I got kind of busy doing late night and I still used to make independent films and I used to uh write a lot of things but I do you get sidetracked with uh if you're doing a show every day

which kind of leads me to a question that a lot of people have asked which is would you ever do a late night show again and the answer is quite simply no not because I didn't enjoy it I did very much and I've talked about that and I'm proud of it but you just you just really can't do anything else I mean when you're doing and I like to do different things so I I would not do it again I'm glad I did it I'm glad I did it and I'm glad too many people enjoyed it I certainly did but it's it's not for me to do again I just don't want to work that intensely on one thing So, Harry in Finland said, what was your favourite memory of writing between the bridge and the river?

Well, writing a novel is, I know many of you must have done it. I found it a very, a little bit like late night, it kind of takes all of your attention. And I remember I wrote some of that novel. It sounds very grand, but I wrote some of it in Paris. And France, France, of course, made up country doesn't really exist. But I was there and I was in Paris and I was on my own and I was writing a novel and I was sitting in cafes making notes for my novel and then I would go back to my apartment and I'd write more of the novel and I just remember thinking it was a very kind of self-contained and rather kind of aspirational thing for a fat wee boy. from Cumbernauld to be writing a novel in Paris.

And I really, I really loved it. I really loved the experience of it. The novel itself is, it's complicated. It's a, it's a kind of a different thing for me. It's not everyone's cup of tea. It's very, I've, I've even described it as, as writing for me, it was kind of like sewing the seeds of love. You know that song by Tears from Fares?

Because sewing the seats of love has everything in it. You know, it has the off-beat drum coming in. It has, even as a French horn in it, it's like they threw everything in, but the kitchen sink at that song, you know, big chorus and the, I think there was even a bagpipe in there at some point. So, and between the Brisbane River is like it has that same kind of impetus. It has, I threw everything at it. It was my first novel.

And the reason I wrote it is because I had just finished making an independent film, which I was unhappy with the way it came out. And that was my fault because, you know, I was a director and writer of the film. But I was unhappy with the way it came out. And because film is so collaborative when you do a film, I mean, it's, you know, I always get a bit of noise when I see people say, you know, they put their name, it's a, you know, ah, somebody, somebody film. I'm like, well, you're not the only person who worked on it.

Like, even Stanley Kubrick had, you know, that help. So, but I directed this film, and I've done a bit of them. Actually, looking back at the film, it's not that bad. I love everyone. Welcome back from the edit. What happened there was my alarm went off. And, because I'm recording this on my phone, and it's the morning. And that was the time that I thought I would be getting up.

I've been up for a while, hence this. So my alarm went off, and I went to my phone to deal with the alarm, and I left the phone over it and stopped the recording, but here we are back. So welcome back. And what I was saying was, when I look back at that film, it's not that bad. Anyway, I can't really remember what the question was.

Oh, yeah, what was my, why did I write, or what was my favorite memory of writing between the bridge and the river? which is a novel I wrote in 2000 and I guess started it in 2004 2005 but um so I told you what my favorite memory of it was and the reason I wrote it is because I was unhappy with a with film that I had done previously and I thought I want to do something where I just work on my own I don't want to work with anyone else for a while so and when you write an office it's very much on your own and

that's my favorite memory of it to be honest I felt self-contained I felt like I was able to you know I was that weird thing that you get where you when you're right

or when you feel like you're in charge and I'm much too much a fan of the of the stoics or uh or other similar philosophies to think that I'm actually in charge of much. But when you write a novel, you feel like you're in charge.

And because you kind of are, you can decide where the story goes. And I like that. As it turns out, that's what I thought. But then when you're in it, it feels sometimes after the story gets going, like everything else, it seems to like take on a life of its own. And you're kind of just along for the ride. And that becomes fun too. Anyway, that's a lot of esoteric nonsense for this time in the morning, especially in Glasgow.

I don't know if esoteric nonsense is a good idea for Glasgow at, I don't know, it's like 7 o'clock in the morning. I'm talking to you right now because I have to leave and go filming all the day. And because I'm filming all day, I wouldn't have time to talk to you any other time. So that's why I'm doing it now. and I think I'm about well if my alarm's got off it means I have to get going so I will get gone and I will be back

in I'm going back to London a couple of days and I will do a couple of proper episodes of the postcards proper episodes of the podcast there well I have actual guests and I'll talk to them but thank you for being my guest today people from switzerland japan finland narnia let me just say this by the way

just as i as i as i remember when i said um uh harry colmer who asked the last question was from finland the novel between the ridge and the river actually did very well in finland as i remember It's a strange question It was translated into Finnish Which is a language I don't speak You'd be surprised to hear Craig, surely you speak Finnish No, sometimes I don't even finish speaking

No, I don't speak Finnish But I particularly liked the cover Of the Finnish edition of the book It was really fancy And I hope it's a good translation I saw this French translation Between the Brisbane River I don't speak much French

but I know enough French to know that I didn't like the translation there's not much you can do when they do a translation of your book you know in the French translation of the book I wrote between the bridge and the river they changed the title of it

to last exit before the motorway that was that I think I mean in French it was der near sortie auto route or something but um they changed that i was like oh why i don't know anyway that's that for today the quality problems i think i didn't like the french translation of my novel um what a day

all right i'll try to work on my self-esteem i'll try to be less pompous and i'll see you guys next time all right take care bye Thank you.