Joy, a Podcast. Hosted by Craig Ferguson - Taint Fever

Episode Date: December 30, 2025

Craig is taking some time off for the holidays, but he's come down with a fever... the taint fever. What does that mean? Allow him to explain. Have a question for Craig? Drop him an email at [e-mail], send him a message on social media, or drop a comment below.  _______________________________________________ Craig is also on the road. Dates and tickets can be found here https://www.thecraigfergusonshow.com/tour _________________________________________________ FIND CRAIG: Website - https://www.thecraigfergusonshow.com Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/craigyferg TikTok - https://www.tiktok.com/@craigy_ferg X - https://www.x.com/craigyferg Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/thecraigfergusonshow ABOUT THE JOY PODCAST: Storied late-night talk host Craig Ferguson brings his interview talents and singular world view to a discussion of the modern state of JOY, sitting down with notable guests from the worlds of entertainment, science, government, and more. How's our Joy doing? Bridled? On life support? Where do we find joy in a world that seems by any rational measure to be collapsing around us?

This is me, Craig Ferguson. I'm inviting you to come and see my brand new comedy hour. Well, actually, it's about an hour and a half, and I don't have an opener because these guys cost money. But what I'm saying is I'll be on stage for a while. Anyway, come and see me live on the Pants on Fire Tour in your region. Tickets are on sale now and we'll be adding more as the tour continues throughout 2025 and beyond.

For a full list of dates, go to the Craigfergersonshow.com. See you on the road, my dears. Hello everyone, welcome to The Joy Podcast. My name is Craig Ferguson. I'm your host of the Joy podcast today. And I've got to tell you, I've got the fever. I've got the fever today. I've got taint fever.

Now, I know that sounds like maybe a film that you might have accidentally rented or one that I accidentally wrote and produced and started all by myself. But actually, taint fever is this time of year. What happens is It Taint Christmas and it Taint New Year And it's still the holidays But it's kind of the doldrums or the taint And I've got the taint fever

And I'm driving everybody crazy around here And the house I've been banished here to go Go and do your podcast They said in their voices That sounds suspiciously like my Scottish mother Which is weird because none of them are But I I've been

Encey after Christmas I get a little antsy and before New Year I get, I don't know, it's weird any other holiday I don't get like this but I get, I think a lot of people get like this everything's closed sort of and

online is open but online isn't real I mean, I don't know, even me, this is AI but the it's just this weird time of year I think a hangover from being in Scotland when I was a wee boy and between Christmas and New Year it was always, it was like 10 days of Sundays.

Now Sundays when I was growing up were pretty religious. Well, you had to, the society observed things. Like all the pubs were closed, which when I was a child, that wasn't that much of a big deal. But the stores were closed and we had to go, when I was young, we had to go to church.

I don't suppose we had to go but we went to church because I had to go because I was a kid and I was made to go and I didn't have free agency had no free will at the time and so we'd go to church

and everything I just remember being itchy all the time itchy my wee Scottish trousers my wee tubby boys sitting in the church all itchy on a Sunday and then there was nothing to do there was a Scottish poet called Ivor Cutler, very funny, very observant man.

And I think it was him who said the Sunday is the long, dark tea time of the soul. That may have been Douglas Adams, though. I can't remember. Ivor Cutler definitely said, changing your pants is like taking a clean plate. That was definitely Iver Cutler. And I feel that that is, in many ways true,

the older, again. I'm driving everybody crazy around here because I cleaned things. I'm not normally a housey a housey person and this is of like cleaning up and stuff. I do my bit. I do my bit, but I'm not usually manic about it,

but I cleaned the kitchen pantry which got me in a bit of trouble. And I also cleaned the laundry room. Now, the laundry room is also where the dogs sleep. And I don't know if you've got dogs. But let me tell you the thing about dogs. We have an Alsatian, a German Shepherd, and a Jack Russell, so Iris and German, sort of organised, but also kind of crazy.

So crazy and organized. The, and they kind of, their beds are, when they sleep at night, they like to hunk her down in the laundry room. Their beds are in there, and they're very hairy, and they keep their bones in there, not their actual bones in their body. they're, well, I was supposed to keep them in there too. But they keep bones and they, God, what a mess it was.

It's horrible. At least I thought it was a mess. Everyone else thought it was unnecessary for me to clean out the laundry room, especially the dogs. Everybody was very upset with the day. I'm stepping out my lane is what's happening because I've got the fever. I've got the taint fever and I'm stepping out of my lane. I'm causing

problems around here. I'm upset in the apple cart. There's no actual apple cart. But anyway, I hope you do a nice, It was really nice Christmas. It was a lot of Christmassy things going on. Do you know what I did? I watched two movies this Christmas.

I watched, well, I watched more than two, but I watched Holiday Inn, which is the first movie that Bing Crosby sings White Christmas in, and then White Christmas, which was made about 10 years after, which he sings White Christmas in again. It's kind of a sort of, The holiday end, where he thinks white Christmas, was made during the St. World War. And, you know, it's very kind of, oh, we'll be dreaming of a white Christmas, so again,

and also the thing is about it, there's a whole scene in Holiday End, which I was like, oh, God. Suffice to say, if you don't know about it, attitudes have changed, hopefully, since then. and it was a bit of a shock because I hadn't seen that film and I was like what? But there you go. I'll leave you to find that out for yourself.

Now, given that it's a podcast and obviously I have no guest today because I've got the taint fever and I've been put in this room at the end of the house where, look, I have to say, the taint fever isn't just because it's between Christmas and New Year.

are there for the taint. It's also I was working away from home. I had like one week at home from August until pretty much Christmas. I was only home for one week. I was in New York but I was only at home for about one week. And in that time you kind of get a little

institutionalized. There's a British band Blur call it. They've got a name for it, I think. I think it's Blair called it this where after you come off tour you've got what they call the well I'm going to paraphrase

the jerk flu it's not we don't say the word jerk but you get the jerk flu in which case you're kind of like you're a bit of an asshole for a few days because you're used to things being done for you like when I'm working at all you stay in hotels so you know you go out and morning

come back the room's glad and the bed's made and you know and there's a some chocolates on your pillow if it's a fancy hotel sometimes, which I think is weird. I wonder where that comes from the chocolate and the pillow thing. I mean, I don't do that. Well, we could probably

put a Snickers bar or something on the pillow, but my fear is it would melt and then the thing that would look bad if you had a melted Snickers bar in your bed. It could give the raw idea.

Anyway, look, the, I don't know where at, go to that but what happens is when you're looked after when I'm working in in show business they tend to look after you a bit which is very nice you know they kind of like people say oh have you got you know get in the car there and go there and then have you got coffee and people do things for you it's very nice it's but it's not like real life you know it's not like at home and and you kind of like when you're walking around especially if you're an actor if you're in front of the camera you will hear people in the crew

and because they're doing their job they'll be on headsets or radios and stuff and they'll say, yep, I've got Craig and we're walking and they'll let me you everybody know where you are. I've got Craig, we'll be in the set two minutes or we're just leaving the hotel and you hear your name mentioned on walkie-talkies and it makes you feel like you're important

and I suppose you're important in the way that everybody's important that you're all doing a job but I think it makes you feel like you're like super important it gives you a buy I think it skews your perception of yourself and you start to take it for granted or at least I do

and it takes a bit of a while to disengage from the idea that you know while I'm walking so you're probably all wondering where I'm that's not how the vibe is when you get home so anyway I've got the what I will paraphrase as the jerk flu

but I think I think it's clearing up now I made the bed this morning and myself and things are looking up I'm not looking for praise for doing this by the way I'm just saying

that these are the things I read as it was oh this is an exciting moment my lady wife and he's all coming in oh no all right

but thanks very much for that I'm just telling them I had the jerk flu oh jerk flu you know I was paraphrasing it all right to say what it really is? No. No. You'll just make everybody mad.

But I was telling them, because of the taint, I taint fever. I've got taint fever today. Oh, have you? Were you cleaning? Not me as enough. Bye. That was Mrs. Ferguson, who declines to be your own camera.

But look, here's what I was drinking right now, which is, well, if you can't see, what I was drinking right there was some water out of my snake. cup delicious but what has arrived is a cup of tea in a tonneux caramel wafer cup now for those of you who are not scottish and that might be a law of you tonnex caramel wavers may be something you're not familiar with and i feel sorry for you if you're not tonnex caramel waver is one of the more delicious treats in the world. It is a wafery biscuit covered in

chocolate. Biscuit in the British sense of the word. So a kind of wafery oblong wafery cookie covered in chocolate. And there's certainly been some of them eating around the house in the past few days. We had a consignment flowing in.

My brother-in-law found some in a British store and brought them. But it may contribute to what happened this morning as well because I weighed myself and I've gained five pounds. I'm like ah I don't know if you've been following my weight loss journey everybody but I've been trying to get a weight down I got a bit chubby the last time I was looking at I recorded a stand-up special about I don't know 18 months

ago or something and I was looking at it in the edit I went oh my god I've gained so much weight so I went on a weight loss journey and a proper one like not well proper for me I'm not judging anyone else but I just I didn't take any injections or any fad diets or anything like that I just started walking walking walking walking every day a lot and I go to the gym and running and sometimes if it wasn't walking walking running and going to the gym and I didn't do any of that over Christmas and I get a lot of Carmel Weber's and so I've gained five pounds so science is real I'm afraid and calories in calories out

so anyway the up show is out here oh yeah I know I was going to say it's the Joy podcast I'm your host Craig Ferguson I'm going to take your tweets and emails I'm sorry I go I get chatting and sometimes I noticed that the Christmas last week's podcast I didn't do any tweets and emails because I was just I was just talking about Christmas and filling you in on what was going on

so here the tweets and emails people have been tweeting and emailing me this is from Soala from Lagos, Nigeria. Wow. I've never been to or Lagos, perhaps, Nigeria. There's a Lagos in Portugal,

I suspect. It's connected in some way to Lagos, Nigeria. But there's a Lagos in Portugal that I've been to. It's very nice town. Anyway, Suala, I think that forgive me if that's not the great

Swana Sounds good Yeah Swala From Lagos Nigeria says I've been rewatching the Paris episodes

of the late night show The old late night show And I wonder You're still in touch With Kristen Bell Well I'm not in touch as much But I mean

Friendly enough The last time I saw Kristen I was doing Dax Shepherds podcast Dax is a very popular Very famous podcast called Armchair Expert

and I was on it and he does it pretty much like the way I do this like in a corner of his house well he has a shed I'm not in my shed I do have a shed but I use it for shed like equipment I don't want you to think I'm

slimming it without a shed I'm a shed guy actually truth to tell I actually have a barn a barn if you're not familiar with them it's just like a really big shed anyway I saw Kristen then I was doing Dax's

very clever and he's in a podcast and I was chitty chatting with him and Kristen came over it was lovely and it was a bit of a reunion from the old days very nice people

the pair of them always enjoyed their company but they live in L.A. and I'm here on the East Coast and that's the least of it I mean everybody's got they've got young kids my kids are older

what age their kids are now actually who's to say David Myers from Nashville Tennessee I'm playing Nashville pretty soon there's a bunch of gigs I had to reschedule towards the end of the last year if you were in if you were waiting for me to come to your region

and do a gig I'm sorry I had to reschedule 14 shows I had to change in the fall and I'm doing I'm picking them all up in this in the spring of this year, next year. Well, this year. Yeah, next year. It's 2026. I'm picking them all.

I'm doing them all. So if you want to come and see me in your region, go to the website. Craig Ferguson is coming to your region or something. slash org slash Goves. There's a link to it here, I'm sure. Anyway. Oh, yeah.

David said, I know you're coming to Nashville in February. Well, I just said that. You mentioned that you wouldn't tour with a punk band again, but would you consider a one-off gig in East Nashville? I'm listening. What are you suggesting? You suggest that I come out to East Nashville and you guys have a band and I come in sitting with your band for a bit?

Yeah, yeah, I'm up for a bit of that, maybe. but you know if people are you know if people are young people are spitting and stuff I'm no up for that although I don't think

in the early days of punk broke there was a lot of spitting people used to spit and it was gross then and it's gross now I didn't like I never like the spit but it was kind of a you know

we're so crazy we spit I think though since the advent of horrible diseases communicable diseases that have sprung up from the late 70s onwards like people are less less into spitting

particularly after COVID I can't imagine anybody wants to spit their COVID on anyone else so as long as there's no spitting and what else as long as everyone's in bed by 10 o'clock it doesn't sound like I am

going to East Nashville to be in a punk band but maybe I am I don't know maybe I'm so yeah I'll be national in February I guess this is from

Matthias Baum from Vienna Austria it's very international today I've been to Vienna you know I went one of the first jobs I got when I get sober

here's a challenge for you one of the first jobs I got when I was sober was to film a travel video for British Airways about I got this job

it was like I would present these travel videos for British Airways and I went to Stockholm and I went to Vienna I mean I was if I was two months out of rehab I mean it was it was early on Stockholm and Vienna

and I think I did a oh yeah and I did one in Charlotte as well because British Airways opened up a flight to Charmlet now this would have been 1992 in 1992 I did this promote these promotional videos promotional videos for

British shareways and we filmed in Vienna, Austria in the run-up to Christmas 1992, it would have been. So, I guess I was sober. Almost about 10 months. And

in Vienna, Austria, it's very beautiful in Vienna, especially in the run-up to Christmas. Lovely cakes and we went all around. I saw the Lipizana Stallions and I heard the Vienna Boys Choir perform

I went to a dance schula which is a bus train for dance school and I saw people learning to dance I learned to waltz a little bit it was all the usual travel shows

stuff but I've never seen those things so I don't know if they exist on the internet I suspect no they're probably somewhere because this was before stuff was digital

I think I must have been on videotape good Lord so I probably shot this stuff in videotape and it would have been fell so I would have shot it on videotape and it'll be on a videotape somewhere in British Airways

in their shed they've probably got a shed or maybe even a baron they might have a button so somewhere in British Airways there's a few old promotional videos that I made for them when I was newly sober I suspect it's not my most

relaxed performance but I wasn't that relaxed at the time Stockholm, Vienna and Charlotte and I remember Charlotte in particular because we went on the NASCAR track there they have a NASCAR little school

NASCAR experience I think it was called I think they've still got it at the Charlotte track and Bray Sherry's paid for it, I didn't pay for it, but I got this NASCAR lesson and you get in, there's a special NASCAR with two seats in it

that they were added it, I don't know if they have it now, and I go in the car and it was driven away by a driver who was a NASCAR driver, I can't remember who it was, and it was a long time ago.

And I think he floored it pretty hard, because I blacked out I'm flacked out going around the first turn and then after that you know things get a little easier and then they let you drive a NASCAR

on your own it's amazing they don't it was an amazing experience anyway I did that what the hell am I talking about Vienna Austrian right sorry

Matthias Bonn from Vienna Austria he says I'm currently planning my wedding should I do it an accent yeah probably I am currently planning my wedding and my fiancé has entrusted me with organising some music

do you have any suggestions for which music genre I should pick or which I should definitely avoid well given it's Austria I would think waltzing is the way to go pick a three four time

the blue that I knew all that that'd be good for a wedding waltzing at a wedding sounds appropriate, isn't it? I think what you probably want to stay away from is marching. I know there's an impulse at that part of the world play a little bit of marching music.

I'd steer clear on that, my friend. I'd stay some marching. I don't want to confuse you. I've got two cups here. I'm not, I don't want to do. If you're watching this, if you're not watching this, you're just listening to this, this will be meaningless. But I have two cups.

One has water, one has tea. Two fabulous cups, a snake cup. And a tonnex caramel waver mug. And there you go. All right. So waltzing for your wedding, I should say. And let's take one more. I think that would be enough.

This is Joseph from Cary. Cary or Cary, North Carolina. he says, this is a controversial question, I don't know if I should need your answer it, I'd like to know how do you really feel about bagpipes? Backpipes, of course the National Instrument, Scotland, where

I'm originally from. And I, I'll be honest with you, I love bagpipes. I really do. Now, it's an interesting thing in the United States bagpipes if you're Scottish, because I think as a Scotsman, or a Scottish American man or as an American who is from Scotland originally I think of bagpipes as being Scottish but apparently you a lot of it here you people like if you go to

Boston and here police pipe bands or New York pipe bands the they're kind of Irishy but I think that's because the Scots Irishy but then the Irish have bagpipes too But apparently, and here's the shock, apparently, bagpipes are for the Middle East. That's the, I was shocked too. Bagpipes are from the Middle East. Well, I suppose you go back far enough. We're all kind of from the Middle East, aren't we?

But the, it was a shocker. It was a shocker to me. I do like bagpipes. I feel like sometimes, though, they can be in the wrong place like when I hear bagpipes in rock music

it has it's a very tricky thing to get right there's a couple of songs I'm trying to think of them recently not recently but I try to think of songs that have bagpipes in I know that Paul McCartney's Mull of Contire contains a great deal of bagpiping but to be fair that is a song about Scotland about a place called the Mull of Contire

which is a lovely part of the world and get yourself a tonne it's carbon waiver the next time you're in the mull of can'tire um Paul McCartney had that song and the mull of guitar bagpipes and that works out fine

but if you put it into a rock song with lead guitars I question it I question it's a risky it's a risky strategy and also the thing about bagpipes is they take up while it spool up a little

bit. There's a lot of how before things get started, which I actually love. But you know, if it's like guitar soul, you know, and you can suddenly

garrarding lily drum cell or do that. Let's not do that. But you know, solos in the song are fine, but when you've got a, you can't just like cut to bagpipes, I don't think.

I think it would be tricky is what I'm saying. I think it'd be tricky. So how do I feel about bike pipes? Well, it depends. Like most things, it depends on the place and time. But generally, I'm in favour of bagpipes. They are very emotive instrument.

And whenever I hear them, I was in Philadelphia recently. And it was a Sunday. And it was the Veterans Day parade. and I just happened to be in Philly doing a bit of work and it was the Veterans Day parade and I heard the bike pipes before I saw them and I thought oh wow that's it kind of if you're from my part of the world

if you're from my people you hear bike babies kind of catches in your chest a little bit at least from me I kind of let go oh you feel a bit lump in your throat and you start thinking about you know tonics caramel waivers and rain and all the things of the old country. It's an instrument of great nostalgia for me.

But music is that, isn't it? Music creates, music, a little bit like smell. Music is one of those things that can transport you instantly to a different time, which I think is fascinating. Smell does that for me. You know, you smell a particular scent or odor or perfume and it will take you right to the person or the thing or the time is amazing. And I think music does the same in a slightly gentler way. And it's funny because I think of my parents used to listen to this radio show on a Sunday.

Zaharan takes me back to this Sunday where I am the Taint Fever Sundays one of the great awfulness of a Sunday was that there was no not even any television on a Sunday

in Britain in the 1970s Scotland in the 1970s so we would turn on the radio the television shut down I think there might have been television in the morning but I don't think so but television started about 7 o'clock with a TV show

of the BBC called Songs of Praise and it was hymns and people it was shot in different churches and it was people saying and lots of different hymns and

you know that was entertainment and then something happened at 725 that was really good there was a good show on I can't remember what was it was a comedy or something

and I think Monty Python might have been on on a Sunday night but anyway the Sunday afternoons there was not TV and there was nothing to do and off times

I don't want to surprise you with this but off times the weather's a little grease it's called in Scotland's a little ropey so we'd put the radio on and my parents would listen to a show on the BBC called Sing Something Simple

it's the name of the song I hated I hated this show sing something simple it was very remember I was a young person because I think I'd love sing something simple now it was all like 1940s you know we'll meet again music maybe white Christmas

or and then maybe but it was all nostalgic kind of looking back soft songs and I hated it my parents loved it And they would go, oh, I remember this one. Ah, I remember that. I don't worry. And I remember thinking at the time, I wonder

if in the future, you know, punk rock, T-Rex or something, will be on sing something simple. Of course, as the years go by, I'm in my 60s now myself, I hear, you know, T-Rex singing 20th century boy, and I think, wow, that's great, isn't it? That takes me back. It's a great song.

And I am, in fact, a 20th century boy, I'm this 21st century. I mean, we're in it, but I'm not over it. I think I'm all of the 20th century. And I get nostalgic for music, which probably sounds aggressive, not aggressive, but rocking music. But music takes on its time, is what I'm saying. and so it doesn't have to be soft trial of la la music to take you to a place

in time you feel nostalgic about in fact it could be a real thumping slayer track which takes you back to a beautiful evening you spent with a friend you no longer see so that's my take on on the day this has been the Joy podcast this has been the Taint Fever

episode of the Joy podcast I apologize if I if I've transmitted my taint fever to you, but my hope is that in some way if you have the taint fever or the ass, the jerk flu, then I hope it's alleviated that for you a little bit. My dear friends, I will see you next time

for the Joy podcast, which my guess will be in approximately one week from today, depending on what you Listen or watch this. Good day.