Judge John Hodgman - 4K No Los Dos

Episode Date: June 4, 2025

Andrew loves his large television but Rachel hates it. She begged him to leave the behemoth behind before moving in together. However it’s now the main TV in their home. Rachel loves living with Andrew. But she wants to evict his huge, eyesore of a television! Who's right? Who's wrong?We are on TikTok and YouTube! Follow us on both @judgejohnhodgmanpod! Follow us on Instagram @judgejohnhodgman!Thanks to reddit user u/Banjo_solo for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at reddit.com/r/maximumfun! Judge John Hodgman is member-supported! Join at $5 a month at maximumfun.org/join!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, 4K no los dos. Andrew brings the case against his girlfriend, Rachel. Andrew loves his large television. Rachel hates it. She begged him to leave the behemoth behind before they moved in together.

However, it's now the main TV in their home. Rachel loves living with Andrew, but she wants to evict his huge eyesore of a television. Who's right, who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. Yeah, I'll go ahead and say

she's pulling her punches there, buddy. This is beyond tacky. This is atrocious. There are two safes in the room and one of them has a floor lamp on it? Diabolical. Reading your comments in here, I no longer believe you have a wife. There is simply no way. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in.

Andrew and Rachel, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you, God or whatever? I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he doesn't even have a television, he just reads 19th century novels in a bad Maine accent?

I do. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Andrew and Rachel, you may be seated. Oh no. That were them sitting down. Unless you're watching on the YouTube, in which case you know it's all stagecraft, they are already seated down. They got there from here. And

here we are. You asked for Jesse, all main accent today. It's the day after my birthday, after all, that this episode's being released. And all I want as a present is that I stop doing that accent. Hey, I gave myself a present. Happy birthday, John. Happy birthday. Oh, thank you very much, Andrew. Rachel. Rachel, we're waiting. Oh, happy birthday, John. Thank you. Oh, thank you very much, Andrew. Rachel. Rachel, we're waiting. Oh, happy birthday, John.

Thank you very much. What a surprise. Those of you who are watching the YouTube know that they are seated and that it's all just been stagecraft from the very beginning. We don't actually ask people to stand up. But it is true that for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors, one of you can steal the whole case by guessing the obscure cultural reference that I quoted from as I entered this courtroom.

You both have to guess which one of you would like to go first. I can go. I don't know, but I do have a preloaded guess. All right. Andrew, what's your preloaded guess? The episode of Home Improvement where Tim the Toolman Taylor puts a TV in the bathroom. Oh, the episode of Home Improvement where Tim the Toolman Taylor puts a TV in the bathroom. Oh, the episode of Home Improvement where Tim the Toolman Taylor puts a TV in the bathroom.

Interesting guess. I'm writing it down. I'm guessing that episode of Detroiters where Richard Karn hosts the Detroit Advertising Awards. Remember that one, John? That was a really good one. I still haven't watched Detroiters, Jesse. I'm embarrassed to say I'm working my way through the Detroit Advertising Awards. Remember that one, John? That was a really good one. I still haven't watched Detroiters, Jesse. I'm embarrassed to say I'm working my way through season two of Twin Peaks and it's taking a lot out of me. Okay, well, Detroiters will put it all back into you.

I appreciate that. Rachel. Oh God. It's time for you to guess. I have no idea. We bought you, you wanna hear it again? I do. Yeah, I'll go ahead and say she's pulling her punches

there, buddy. This is beyond tacky. This is atrocious. There are two safes in the room and one of them has a floor lamp on it. Diabolical. Reading your comments in here, I no longer believe you have a wife. There is simply no way. I think this is from an episode of TLC's Trading Spaces.

All right. Another great, you know what? I'm going to write that one down too. I just erased the last one and I wrote that down too. Everyone on the YouTube can see I wrote it down for sure. Trading spaces. All guesses are wrong, I'm sorry to tell you. The context clue that I was so desperate to give you

was with regard to comments. This is a Reddit comment submitted by a Redditor whom I do not know whose handle is thick Jedi, T-H-I-C-C, C underscore Jedi spelled in the traditional manner. Their handle should just be Reddit handle. Exactly. It was posted on a subreddit of some note called male living space. Underneath a post titled 39 male wife says this is tacky.

I think it's minimalist, but fine, posted by Reddit user strikecat18. So if you don't know, Rachel and Andrew, male living spaces is a subreddit where dudes who are living on their own post pictures of rooms in their houses and ask what people think about them. And as you can imagine,

the rooms that they post are usually extremely Spartan, almost exclusively lit by one single ceiling lamp. There are usually no- Oh, John, John, that's disingenuous. That's not the case. No? They're often also lit by LED strips behind stuff. That's true. That's right. Behind a mounted samurai sword, for example. Yeah. Yeah. Color-changing LED strips are one of the top features of these homes. Yeah.

Otherwise it's usually a mattress on a bare floor with maybe a, a family guy flag tacked above it and a couple of lawn chairs are entertaining. In this case, strike cat 18 posted this with the caption or the title. I should say, 39 male. That's Strikcat18. Wife says this is tacky. I think it's minimalist, but fine. And, you know, in this case, he's got an entirely predictable gray sectional sofa

on a gray carpet and a gray tile floor. And on that gray sofa is a massive gray dog. But what drew particular attention to this post was his decorative use of gun safes in the living room. There's one in each corner of the room. To be fair, only the tall one is used for his rifles. The other, of course, is used for his collection of expensive watches. And what he only reveals in the comments as he defends his choices

is that there is a third safe behind him in the photos. So it's not just two gun safes, it's three. And indeed on one of the safes, he has put a floor lamp on top of one of the safes. And what they flank and what is common to all of the rooms posted in male living spaces is that for all of the rooms posted in male living spaces is that for all of the lack of decorative intentionality and the incredible frugality, there is always a ginormous

flat screen television that the man in this case is invested in, including StrikeCat18. In fact, he went on to post other photos of his bedroom and later his den and later his man cave that are all equally disturbing. And truly I could not tell if this was a performance art project or not. Really he was so genial in how much people hated his spaces. He's like, I guess I bring everyone together and hating what my taste. But people could not believe it. Most recently posted this picture of a man cave,

which is a bed without sheets on it and not one, but two flat screen TVs on top of safes. It's wild. Check it out if you want. But I was quoting from one of the many, many comments, wondering if this guy could be for real as far as I can tell. He is for real. And as I as I pointed out, the common denominator of every male living space on subreddit male living spaces is a large flat screen TV, which is what we are here to discuss.

Is it not, Andrew? That's correct. And you seek justice in this court. Is that correct, Andrew? I suppose so, yes. And you and Rachel, you are romantically partnered but not married. Is that correct? That is correct.

And you, at least as of recently, the two of you are co not married. Is that correct? That is correct. And you, at least as of recently, the two of you are cohabitating. Is that correct? That is correct. I see. So how long have you been together, Andrew, you and Rachel? How long have you been together? Well, our story is that we met online,

online dating about eight years ago, and we dated for seven months. Rachel, is that your story? Did you get your story straight before you came on the podcast? Yes, that is the story. And so far so good. That's the story.

And then I kind of blew it. I was, you know, I was a young little baby, very young baby, 29 years old, very young and baby and made some mistakes and let quite a bit of time pass. And then last June of 2024, she drove by me on the street while I was walking my dog and sent me a text. And I was excited to hear from her.

And we met up again. And we've been dating quite steadily since then and... Now, before the drive-by texting, you had met in person before, you had done some dating. Well, right, yes. Yeah, okay. In person dating for about seven months, yes. Rachel, when you saw Andrew with his dog

on the streets of Los Angeles, I presume, as the case may be, because the two of you are right there in the Maximum Fund Studios. That's right. Mm-hmm. What did you text him? What did you say? You remember? I'm sure I said something like, hey, I hope this is Andrew.

And if it's not, I'm very sorry. But I just saw you walking down the street. And I wanted to reach out and say, do you want to move in with me? I want to move in with me, bring the TV. I wish. How long ago was it that you reconnected over text and stalking? Oh, that was almost a year ago, so last June.

And then you did invite him to move into your home eventually. Sure did. And he brought this TV, which we'll get to. But the two of you, you live in a neighborhood of Los Angeles, correct? Correct. And aside from the TV, how has your apartment changed since Andrew joined the household, Rachel?

Well, it's changed a lot, mostly for the better, because I had only been living there about a year when he moved in, and so it was quite sparse still. I had been taking my sweet time furnishing everything and hanging pictures up. And so it was really nice to be able to do that together. And so it really does feel more like an apartment and more like a home.

Hanging pictures up, you say? John, just so you know, I've looked at male living spaces a lot. So sort of the process is, you take down some of your Gundams, and you add 7,000 house plants and one picture that you bought at IKEA. That's for male living spaces. Yeah.

But- Is that not universal? I've only looked at males. No, I think Rachel is actually hanging up pictures, not just sticking up posters of Hanoi rocks with blue stack or whether whatever that stuff is. Wait, now I'm worrying that maybe this new home decoration scheme has colors other than black, white and gray.

Well, at least it did before Andrew moved in. How big of the apartment is it? Maybe 1200 square feet. Okay. How many bedrooms? It's one bedroom and then a spare sunroom. That sounds nice. Yeah. This was your place in the world that you had been slowly decorating and curating to

your taste, slowly but surely making it your personal and private space in the world. And then you invited Andrew in, and he brought along with him not just a big TV, but also I presume a dog, right? He was walking a dog, unless you're a dog walker by profession, Andrew. He did. He brought a little bulldog named Esther and two cats.

I better be looking at some photos of these soon. I see we have some evidence here. Let's take a look at exhibit A, our black, oh, look at that, wait a minute. How many animals are we dealing with here? We now have four. The little black dog, that's Wheatseybat, that's mine. Oh.

Look at these. She's about the same size as Ronnie the cat. Right. Cat's a crazy vampire. Yeah, the caption that you say here is, our black cat, Ronnie? Ronnie, yeah. Ronnie being friends with our black dog, Wheatsey Bat. I love him. And they, they're two little smudges.

They're two little charcoal smudges, aren't they? They're great. They're about the same size, just tiny little black things. Yeah, you can lose them pretty easy. And they're getting along okay? They have quite a bit of fun together, yes. It's nice.

What's Weetzee Bad? Is that a reference to something? I've never, W-E-E-T-Z-I-E? It is, it's a YA novel from, I believe, like the late 80s, early 90s. It's really good. Nice. Yeah.

And here's exhibit B, our bulldog, Esther, whose tongue is always out. This is the dog that you are walking. There we go. There we go. Look at this dog. Yeah, that's the dog I had to meet. Boo.

That's the noise. Esther is an incredible lump of folds, of fuzzy folds. We have to push her tongue in because it'll dry out if she leaves it like that. Oh, Esther, come on, pull your tongue back into your mouth. You should mist her like a tropical plant. I know, I've never seen a dog that didn't look more like a scoop of melted coffee ice cream. Delightful. Yeah.

And you say our dog, Esther, in this photo. Was that you who wrote this caption, Rachel? Our dog, Esther? It wasn't, it was Andrew. Oh. Do you consider it to be a shared dog, Rachel? Very much so, yes. I know you do, Andrew, you wrote our dog.

Oh, sorry, yes. Oh yes, I do, very much. That's nice. So things are good in this household. Everyone's getting along. There's a fourth animal, but I'm reserving the fourth animal, Tommy the cat, until we talk about the TV,

because Tommy is placed in the photo for scale. That's right. So that we can get a sense of these two different TVs. I guess we should take a look at them, I suppose. What else is there to talk about? Aside from the cuteness. So we'll go to exhibit C and here's your apartment. Here's Tommy the Cat in the foreground,

of course, sitting very happily on the dining room table. And in the background, I see a TV that seems to be on a stand. On a rolling stand, yep. It's on a rolling stand, like an AV- I think the AV club just came from, because there's a substitute today. That's exactly right.

Yeah, we're gonna watch a movie in class. And then for contrast, we have essentially the same shot. This time Tommy the cat's a little bit closer to the lens, but you can still get a sense of the comparative size. In the background, there is Rachel, your TV, which is a much smaller TV in the same position on top of a smaller, it looks like a TV card, it's a little hard for me to see actually.

It would be, it was on the rollers before the big TV invaded the space and took over the rollers. So whichever TV we end up using would theoretically be on wheels, but that's just a stand-in bench. In contrast to the spaces I've seen on r slash male living spaces, this is a warm

toned comfortable and tasteful scene with a lot of wood tones, including the cat and some nice textural contrast. Yeah, it looks like you've got along the right. Yeah, it looks like you've got along the right-hand wall, it looks like you've got maybe some sort of a Scandinavian-style teak wall unit, which is very nice looking. You've got a nice little ottoman. I love this little, it's an architectural feature,

not something that you added, I presume, but there's a little niche between the doors, a little lighted niche with a vase in it. I like the lighting, I like the sconces, I like your wall treatments, excuse me, your window treatments. I like the fact that you have window treatments as opposed to what I did when I was living alone with another guy, which was just nailing a sheet over the window. I'm talking about a bed sheet. That was more or less the condition of my apartment

before I moved in with Rachel. I do, I must confess everything there is entirely Rachel's doing. It's her taste. She made those curtains on the window. I just did my best to disrupt as little as possible. I added some books. He filled the Scandinavian teak cabinet

with his Blu-ray collection. Oh. What was in there before? But you know what? Not much. That's the right place to keep the Blu-rays because this Scandinavian teak cabinet does have doors. No one wants to look at Blu-rays. They're too plastic and ugly.

Exactly. Well, I strongly disagree. Why do you think they invented Blu-ray towers? So everyone could see. Fair point, Jermell Bowie. Everyone could see that you are a cineast. Who appreciates physical media. That's right.

So Andrew, when you moved in, you left behind at your former apartment all the various furniture you had made out of stacks of breezeway panels. That's exactly right. Yeah. My milk crate, couch and everything, yeah, was curbed. Yep. Got it. And in the distance, I see, well, there's a beautiful window with a tree behind it,

which is great. And then, but on the right, there's a beautiful window with a tree behind it, which is great. And then, but on the right, there's another little room there. Is that your son room? Yes. Okay. This looks great. I would live here. Can I move in? You may.

I only have three dogs. So the debate here is between these two TVs. Andrew's is larger. How many inches? 65. And that's diagonally across the screen of the TV. I believe that's correct. Right, 65 inch TV.

And Rachel, here's a TV that your TV is a little bit more petite. Do you know the size of that one? No idea. I would guess 48. And before Andrew moved in, is this where the TV would always be? Yeah, I had it on that stand with the rollers

and whenever I didn't wanna look at it, I would simply tuck it back into the sunroom and put it away. Oh, you would just bring it out if you were gonna watch something. What do you like to watch on TV when you're making curtains? At the time, I wasn't watching a lot of TV.

Before Andrew moved in, I hadn't turned on the TV probably in quite some time. Just documentaries. Once in a while I'd wish to watch documentaries. Public television and occasionally an Oscar award-winning documentary. I perhaps would not have a TV at all if my mother hadn't brainwashed me into thinking that I need a TV in case I need to watch the news. As I'm sure you do. What if there's another moon landing?

Exactly. Yeah, you might miss it. That's the greatest argument for throwing your TV into a lake, frankly. There's too much news. So this, so for you, TV was a sometime thing. And then, but for you, Andrew, TV is a large part of your life, literally and figuratively, correct? Not TV, but beautiful cinema.

That's right, yes. At home, viewing is fun and dare I say important to me. You may dare. I do enjoy it immensely. I also am, regrettably, a gamer. I do play video games and I like when they look big and big in front of me and I can climb into the climb into it. Andrew, you don't be you don't make window treatments. You like to watch and you like to play. What kind

of things do you like to watch and what kind of things do you like to play? You may of things do you like to watch and what kind of things do you like to play? You may name your favorite movie, television show and video game. Oh gosh. I am a PTA guy. I think I'll say Phantom Thread. We watched it recently and I do love that movie.

Paul Thomas Anderson. That's right. This isn't blank check, Andrew. This isn't a movie podcast. Our listeners might not know who PTA is. It's Paul Thomas Anderson, The Phantom Thread. That's exactly right. With Daniel Day-Lewis.

Double D. Lou, I like to call him. That was his last performance, right? Didn't he retire after that? This far, no further? I believe he recently came out of retirement to star in his son's film, is the last I heard. Well, you gotta do that. Yeah, you gotta. You gotta come out of retirement for D in his son's film is last I heard. Well, you got to do that. Yeah, you got to.

You got to come out. You got to come out of retirement for D.D. Lou Jr. All right. TV show. Do you watch TV? Sure. Not as much as I used to, but I what we've been rewatching. Pen 15. I do. I love Pen 15. Yeah. It's a great show. A wonderful show.

Terrific show. Have you ever watched you ever watch dick town on Hulu? I'm sorry. Let me take that again TV would probably be dick town on Hulu. No, no, no, I'm not asking I'd have watched it. I do I love that. I thank you very much. That's great to be clear Rachel Have you ever experienced dick town on Hulu? I've been spent Well, you got to see it on the big screen to really appreciate it. Really brings out the details. Sure.

What video games do you like to play? You got any recommendations for me? I've got adult children who are out of the house now, so I've got time. I am currently playing Claire Obscure Expedition 33. Okay. By the way, that's just a made up video game from a ball. Exactly. I was concerned I was having a stroke.

Just random words. What is that? A platform or a side scroller? A shoot them up? A grab and go? It's a French made JRPG homage. So it's just a very bonkers turn-based combat, big soap opera story, crazy world.

It's an FRPG? Yeah, it's an FRPG, yes. Rachel, have you ever even heard of Claire Obscure Expedition 33? Did you even know he was playing these games while you're out taking care of business out there? He's home playing video games in your house? Oh, no, he waits till I'm home to play them in front of me. Parallel play while she beads.

Yeah, parallel play. So let me ask you this. No, I had not heard of it. Is it the Phantom Thread or Dictown on Hulu or Claire Obscure Expedition 33? Which of these things makes you hate Andrew's television the most? It's none of them.

It's when none of those things are on, which is 70% of the time. It's just this big black mirror in our living room and it's huge and it's useless and it's ugly. I don't mind it when he's playing. When it's on and you're getting enjoyment out of it or even just he is, you don't mind it when he's playing. When it's on and you're getting enjoyment out of it, or even just he is, you don't mind it so much. Correct.

And you didn't want this TV in your apartment, right? I mean, you knew it was coming. He didn't show up with it? No, we knew it was... I think we had had kind of a month-long back and forth about whether or not it was coming, and neither of us were sure who was joking. And now it's here. Well, your position was, I don't want your TV.

And Andrew was like, ha ha, funny joke. Here it comes. Yes, sometimes that. And then other times he's saying, I wonder where I'm gonna put this giant TV. And I say, ha ha, funny joke. So did you, it wasn't until he moved in that you knew he was serious?

I think right before he moved in, we had a more serious conversation and we decided that he would bring the TV and we would evaluate in a month or so. There was, yeah, we actually had, we submitted this to, we went to see the live show actually end of February, live Judge John Hodgman. Oh yeah. The dynasty typewriter. And so we actually submitted for that because I was moving in about a week later. Oh.

We thought, we thought maybe you could decide before it actually made its way over. In this case, it is true. Justice delayed is justice denied. I had an opportunity to stop this from happening. And unfortunately we had a wonderful show and I hope you enjoyed it there at dynasty typewriter, but we can't, we can't hear them all on stage. We can't hear them all. And now here we are months later with this TV getting more and more eminent domain in your house as it were is a possession is nine-tenths of the law.

That's what they said in The Exorcist. Did you know that, Jesse Thorne? That's the tagline of The Exorcist. That's what they said in William Friedkin's The Exorcist. That's right. This standoff is happening because you have both TVs in this small apartment now, right, Rachel?

Yes. Where does your TV live most of the time? The small TV is now living on top of the dresser in the bedroom and I'm not even sure if it's plugged in. It's just kind of sitting there. And how does that look? Really good? Really great. Do you love being in a bedroom with a TV in it,

just like you're in a hotel room or something? Yep, love it. Are you being sarcastic? Are we not sure who's joking here? To be fair, I don't think either of us are TV in the bedroom people. Love it. Are you being sarcastic? Are we are we not sure who's joking here? To be fair, I don't think either of us are TV in the bedroom people I don't it's just kind of the spot for it to live right now. We don't use it Right in the bedroom. I mean John. Yeah, it has Moderate at best dynamic range. Thank you

If you if you both agree that it doesn't belong in the bedroom, Rachel, why are you holding onto it? If you don't care about TV that much, are you hoping that Andrew will give in eventually and throw his in the garbage? I am, yeah. Andrew, if you had a smaller TV that was peppy and high definition and had a high dynamic range, a higher quality smaller TV, how would you feel?

I guess I feel like that is what I would insist on if the ruling went toward small TV. I would then want to buy a different small TV. You don't want your blacks to look gray. This is exactly what I'm saying, Jesse. Thank you so much. He doesn't want his blacks to look gray, John, for when he's gaming. Like when he's playing a game with a lot of shadowy, you know, well, Skyrim or Claire know, like Skyrim. Or Claire Obscure. Claire Obscure Expedition 33 has a lot of deep shadows, I would imagine for sure.

They didn't put Obscure in there for nothing. So it's not just the responsiveness and the app switching, it's also the screen quality of your TV that you like. Yes. Rachel, you notice a difference between the screen quality of your TV that you like. Yes. Rachel, you notice a difference between the screen quality of your TV and Andrew's TV? Not much. Because when he's watching something or playing a video game, you're looking away in disgust, so you don't notice.

Well, mostly, I think it's mostly because if we are watching something during the daytime, there is way too much light in the apartment anyway for you to see anything really clearly. It doesn't make much of a difference to have a clearer television. Pete It is a light filled apartment. Did you experiment with any other places to put this TV? I mean, I'll be honest with you. People who are able to review the evidence, which is posted on our social media as well as on our show page at MaximumFun.org. You can be looking at it right now. If you're over at Judge John Hodgman Potter YouTube channel, please subscribe when you're over there. But the placement of the TV's either one, they're in the same place in the A B comparison photos that you sent with Tommy is the Constant, Tommy the cat.

They're positioned between the picture window and the door into the sunroom at an angle. Neither one of them, both of them I would say are wider than the wall that they're positioned in front of, that wall between the window and the door, right? Neither one of them really fits there. Correct. Have you experimented at all with a different place where it could go? Andrew, do you have an idea? There has been some experiment.

I mean, I think the final word on it is that it's just not an ideal space for a television. Even if you wanted to mount it on a wall, you don't have a big wall space that it could go on. It looks like from here. That's right. That's right. Andrew, I mean, I'll be honest, I'm pretty impressed looking at the evidence right now

at how carefully you've hidden your surround sound speakers. I haven't gotten there yet, I wish. I do have a sound bar hiding somewhere. I was just going to ask how many sound bars do you have? Andrew is a sin-assed. He would never have a sound bar, John. You don't get the stereo separation you need. What kind of bars do you have? Andrew is a sin-assed. He would never have a sound bar, John. You don't get the stereo separation you need.

No, when you're creating a soundscape, you have to have a lot of separation. You need at least, what, five speakers, Andrew? I'm not quite there yet, but I do believe that's what my father installed in his basement, much to my mother's chagrin, so that sounds about right. She was upset that he didn't do 7.1, right?

Yes, she guess. That's exactly right. Great. Well, I think I know everything I need to in order to make my verdict. Andrew, go live with your dad in his basement. Ha ha ha ha. Yo, why do you have a non-Atmos girlfriend?

Ha ha ha. I do wanna say, my general argument here is, the space is just not conducive to a television. Yeah. I just sort of, I just bump against the notion that the bigger TV is that much more of an eyesore than the smaller TV. I think the TV just sort of is an eyesore. So I mean, I guess I'm not arguing for no TV, but I would sort of rather

no TV than small TV on some level. But the other point I do want to make is that in the picture, the evidence picture of the small TV, the large TV has been hidden in the sunroom. So, I mean, that is some proof that the big TV can be disappeared when needed. It is not visible in that photo and is just tucked around the corner. So, you know. Essentially, you're storing the large TV where the small TV used to be stored in the sunroom and wheeling it out when you want to. And how often do you wheel it out? Well, the reality is that the option to disappear,

it is more on the table than the option to wheel it out. It mostly just sits in position in the living room with the knowledge that we could sequester it if say we were having company and didn't want. I understand the hypothetical situation. COVID or something. That's right. I understand the hypothetical situation, but let's get practical.

How often do you move it into the sunroom? Approximately zero. I've maybe done it three times total. And what were the situations in which you did move it in there? You wanted to hug and kiss your girlfriend and that was a condition? I guess so. I wanted to seem agreeable. I didn't want to seem like I was taking over the space. Rachel, with the small television,

was it being wheeled away or would it be wheeled away more frequently? Yes, but not necessarily to be put away, but there was more flexibility with the smaller television because I could wheel it around the apartment, I could flip it around if I was doing something in the sun room and watch it through the doorway, I could bring it into the sun room.

And how often would you watch television back when it was just you and what's what's your bat watch wax a hatchet? What is the name of it? Weetzee Bat? Weetzee Bat and which cats were yours? Neither of the cats were mine. I just, it was just the dog. Are you saying this guy brought a dog and two cats

and a 65 inch television into your life? That's exactly what I'm telling you. He sounds great. How often would you and Weetsy Bat watch TV before Andrew came into his life, into your life, right? I would say a few times a week. A couple times a week. Yeah.

And otherwise it would just be stowed away in the sunroom and you would only bring it out when you were going to watch news. Pretty much. How much room is in the sunroom? How big is it, would you say? I really wanna go in it. I really want a 3D walkthrough of your house.

I was gonna say 15 by 15 or so, yeah. And obviously you call it the sunroom because it's got big windows. Windows all around, yeah. So like if I were to, hypothetically, Rachel, turn your project room into Andrew's TV room. How would you feel about that? Terribly, it would involve a lot of blocking out windows.

That would make me very sad. Oh yeah, no, they would be painted black. Yeah. So that people can, so that he can enjoy his games better. Yeah, I think I'd be quite upset. I have a craft room and I want it painted black. If you're using the television after dark anyway, because of all these bright windows,

have you ever considered a projector? I not meaningfully, no real wall. Yeah. You can get them so they come out of the sky. Whoa. Yeah, I know, right? What do you mean they come out of the sky, Jesse? They come out of the sky. Whoa. Yeah, I know, right? What do you mean they come out of the sky, Jesse? They come out of the sky.

You put it, you're in the ceiling. Oh, the screen. The screen is in the ceiling. You don't need to project it onto a wall if the screen comes down in front of your wall unit. Yeah, if you got like an old elementary school projection screen, you go, vzzt, wouldn't that be cool? I have a friend with a projector set up

and he spends quite a bit of money keeping it. It seems like too much for me. I'm too lazy for that. It's too much of a hassle. You'd rather slowly grind your relationship into the dust through the friction of this dispute over years and years. But that's exactly right, yeah. To be fair, as a guy with a projector,

I immediately started obsessing over like how to black out windows. So, you have a projector, Jesse. It may not be practical for their light-filled home. I do have a projector. In my backyard, I have a shed smaller than their sunroom, which is my office. And in that shed, I have a shed smaller than their sunroom, which is my office. And in that shed, there was not room on the wall to put a television. So instead,

in front of one of the sets of windows, I put a projector screen that comes down out of the sky, as well as a laser projector, which rarely needs replacement bulbs so that though it was pretty expensive and I put speakers into the walls and ceiling because I did want that Dolby Atmos cool and I go in there to watch movies and baseball games by myself since no one else will go in there with me well Andrew you live in Los Angeles why don't you just go over to Jesse's house and watch, watch your, watch your PTA and Jesse's shed. I don't know. I kind of thought the Phantom Thread was boring.

I haven't seen that. That's why not. How often do you watch shows together, Rachel? Or, or TV or Claire obscure or whatever. Almost nightly. Oh, so you do. Do you, do you enjoy watching TV with, with your Or a TV or a Claire Obscure or whatever. Almost nightly. Oh, so you do. Do you enjoy watching TV with your boyfriend, Andrew?

I do, I do. And I like movies as well. I would say that I'm just less motivated to watch them at home on my own. So what would be a solution that would make you happy here? Either get rid of the big TV and start using your old one again or maybe compromise with a higher quality, smaller TV? Yeah, I'm not going to buy a higher quality, smaller TV, but Andrew's welcome to if he wants.

I just think it should be smaller. Oh, you don't, you're living together, but you don't share finances. We split some things. If Andrew wants to buy a TV, I think he can do that on his own. Andrew would be the first person ever in the history of televisions to be like, this TV is too big. I need a smaller one. I don't know. I think the guys have moved in with, with women a lot.

with women a lot. Or people have moved in with other people and they've had to compromise the things they care about. But Andrew, one of the things about your big TV here, it's hard for me to see where are the cables and where does it connect to the things that are playing on it, either your console, your game console or your? Whatever, what do you what do you how does it work? I don't even see a power cord under the The window against that far wall is where my PlayStation 5 sets That's just my you know my movie player and Obscura exhibition 33 player, of course.

And that... So cords just run behind those little wooden benches and to the machine, they're very easily detachable if it needs to be hidden in a project room or anything. And this little cart just has wheels on it? Just four little wheels, yes. And when it goes into the project room or anything. And this little, and this little cart just has wheels on it. Just four little wheels. And when it goes into the project room, how does that affect your projecting Rachel? Not very much.

So why not just put it, why not just, I don't understand what the, if he's putting it away, why don't you just put it away every night? I would be happy to that. If that is a acceptable solution, I would happily put it away every night. Is it an acceptable solution, Rachel? It's acceptable. It does seem a little silly. I would feel badly watching him struggle

to get this giant TV into the project room, which does have a little step up into it. So you do have to kind of pick the whole thing up. I imagine it's fairly heavy. It's not. I think if I was watching you do that every night, I would start to feel silly. How does it make you feel that Rachel hates your TV

and thinks it's ugly, Andrew? I mean, it's unfortunate. I wish that she liked it. I don't think my feelings are hurt or any, I'm not fully connected to it in the sense that I feel personally attacked by her not liking it. But I do, I do feel like movies connected to it in the sense that I feel personally attacked by her not liking it. But I do I do feel like movies and watching movies is a big part of our

relationship. I do I mean I do like using that TV with her. I do like watching movies with her but I do I acknowledge that she doesn't care at all in the same way as I do about how we watch them. We are theater goers. We are at the movies quite often. That's right, the biggest screen of all. The biggest screen. At the movies, eh?

A regular Siskel and Ebert. That's right. And, Rachel, just to clarify, Andrew says that the resolution and the picture on his TV is better than yours. Do you not notice the difference? I don't know that I've really taken the time to see if I noticed the difference,

but if you asked me if I have a preference, one or the other, I would say no. Because I'm gonna be very honest with you here. This is a beautiful apartment that doesn't accommodate either of your TVs properly. I'm gonna be very honest with you here. This is a beautiful apartment that doesn't accommodate either of your TVs properly. Like it's a hard, this is a challenging thing to find a solution to.

I think you've probably both noticed and maybe you were hoping that I would have some answers for you. But I'm not sure that I do. Do you have any last evidence that you wanna to present before I go into my chambers to make an argument for your respective TVs? I feel like I've said everything that I need to say. It feels like I'm on the razor's edge of just sounding like a total, total needy dork.

Well, but on the other hand, you know, like expressing your needs is a part of a relationship and also it makes podcasts more interesting. I mean, it's okay that if you're a needy dork, we are all needy dorks, right? And this is something you really feel like you need. This is the time to make that argument to Rachel and to me. What does this TV do for you that's so important that you don't wanna give it up? I truly just think it is a lot of fun. I like the movie watching with Rachel

is a big part of my life, a big important part of my life. And I do like that a lot. And I get a huge kick out of the big screen and high quality, just fidelity is is fun and the artistry of filmmaking can really really come through the the bigger and clearer the image gets and like, you know the clearer and more complex the sound can get and I like that I feel like the apartment is

Being non conducive a TV at large. I just feel like my argument is having no TV doesn't really make sense. And having any TV is gonna be an eyesore. So why not go for a big TV? The biggest eyesore possible? I guess. I wouldn't get a TV any bigger than this and I wouldn't ask to buy a big TV now,

but just having had one that I bought for myself years ago and was a purchase that I liked making and really enjoyed having, it's just something that I want to, it's something that I have that I want to keep as opposed to just something that I desire that I'm hoping to buy, I guess. You know, Rachel, Andrew, as you said,

didn't bring a lot into this house that is mostly decorated by you. I mean, true, he brought three animals and a bunch of blu-rays and this TV and I presume some clothes and some books, but not a ton of possessions. Is that correct? Do I have, is that impression correct? That's correct. So when he makes this argument that this possession, this particular possession is so meaningful

to him, does it change your mind? Does it affect you? How does it change your mind or how does it affect you? Well, I would say that's how the TV ended up in our home. I think if I didn't understand that it was very important to him, I would have put my foot down and made him leave it on the curb with everything else. What else? What did you leave behind, Andrew?

I mean, truly not that much that I miss. It was just there was some, you know, cheap internet furniture that I had bought to furnish my apartment and some, yeah, not every book made it. It just, you know, the move was an excuse to kind of purge some of my belongings. I didn't really, I didn't really give up much that I actively miss. R.J. Rachel, why didn't you put your foot down before this thing even got into your apartment? I think because he had expressed how important it is to him and that it was the one thing that he had bought for himself that he would like to keep. And I understand that.

And now here we are months later and it's still there and yet the conversation is ongoing. Why don't you accept that you allowed it in? And much like a vampire, once it's in, you can't get it out. Because at the same time, I was told that we would evaluate how that TV was doing in the space. Yeah. And I don't feel like. I trust you'll never fall for that trick again.

Yeah, right. I have evaluated that it's ugly. And I feel like in passing, Andrew has admitted that too, but not in a way that makes me feel like he's come to a conclusion about anything. Rachel, is it ugly when you watch it? No. When you're watching it, are you distracted by the fact that it is literally displeasing to your eye

or figuratively displeasing to your soul because all you can think about, instead of Double D Lewis's beautiful performance in the Phantom Thread, you're thinking about how Andrew brought this thing into your house and you can't get rid of it. Not quite. I do feel silly sitting in front of such a big TV though.

Well, I mean, the TV is quite big and it's quite close to the couch there. I mean, I'm not even sure that the size of a TV should be viewed that close. Right. Now I'm not even sure that the size of a TV should be viewed that close. Right. Now I'm worried for our retinas. Andrew, have you done those like calculations with the triangles and the inches and the pictures and all this stuff that you're supposed to do to figure out how big your television should be? No, I have not.

Jesse Thorne, in your projection shed, where does the projector live? The projector lives above the love seat on which I sit when I'm watching films. Looking at this, I mean, I think we all know where a screen can come from, the sky. But looking at this, where would you have a projector if you were to put one into this space? That is to say Rachel and Andrew's apartment. at this, where would you have a projector if you were to put one into this space? That

is to say Rachel and Andrew's apartment. Well, Rachel and Andrew have a seating arrangement that is underneath their big windows. I think it would probably require a slightly different or additional window treatment, although I would imagine that through some combination of the internet and Rachel's engineering, they could handle that. A heavier window treatment that blocks the light more effectively.

But I think the projector could go above slash behind their seating position pretty easily. But the windows are there. But the projector mounts to the ceiling. Oh, I see. Or it can mount to the ceiling. It's also possible to mount it to the wall. In this case, it would hang from the ceiling.

Rachel, would you enjoy sitting on the couch knowing that there's a projector suspended above your head that could drop at any moment and give you a concussion? I don't think I'd mind it. We do have a problem though, because our ceilings are curved. And so you'd have to set the projector pretty far into the ceiling.

And so it might be cutting it close. Might be a narrow throw. Space wise. Yeah. I'm concerned about throw distance here, especially given that Andrew hasn't drawn those triangles. All right, I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm gonna go into my sunroom to think about it and I'll be back in a moment with my verdict.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Rachel, how are you feeling about your chances in the case right now? I'm feeling pretty good. Yeah? Yeah. Andrew, how are you feeling about your chances in the case? Unclear, trepidatious. Yeah, I'm not sure.

I'm hoping for quite a bit of sympathy, I suppose. That's what I'm looking for to win this one. So we'll see how it goes. Well, we'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment. ["The Last Supper"] ["The Last Supper"] Judge John Hodgman, we're taking a quick break from the case. John, can I mention a few people who are coming up on Bullseye with Jesse Thorne, the Smash Hit podcast from Jesse Thorne, that's me.

I should hope you would because I'm very interested. We have this week the wonderful Alexander Skarsgard and Carson Lund, who's the director of one of the best reviewed films of the year, the slice of life baseball comedy, EFIS, which is a wonderful, beautiful movie, one of the best baseball movies ever made as far as I'm concerned. It's about a bunch of adult rec league players playing one last game.

That sounds great. On a ball field in New England before the ball field is raised to build. Yes. Barry, the lead. Why didn't you just say New England and I would have watched, but okay. Yes, you're right, John. They're raising it to build an elementary school. Boo. Boo. We've also got coming up on the program in the next few weeks, Questlove.

Wonderful interview with Questlove about the two great documentaries that he has on streaming right now. And in just a couple of weeks, our friend, Richard Kind. Great Richard Kind. Wow. Yeah, I know. And in just a couple of weeks, our friend Richard Kind. Great Richard Kind. Wow. Yeah, I know.

That's a murderous row of talent coming through Bullseye if you aren't already subscribing. Hey, why don't you go do that right away because you will learn about people, places, and things that will enhance your life as Bullseye has been doing for my life now for over a decade. Bullseye with Jesse Thorne.

Did you know Lisa Kudrow was a neuroscientist? Not until I listened to Bullseye. Yeah, she just talked about it on on Bullseye the other day. Did you know that Keita Takahashi was the creator of the video game Katamari Damacy. But then he also created a game called To A Tea that just came out and it's about a teenage boy whose arms stick out directly to the side

and make him T-shaped. Not until I listened to you talking about bullseye. Yeah, that's the important stuff, John. Hey, it is the day after my birthday. That means we're in June. You do the math. I don't want any cards or presents because the greatest present is coming my way. By the end of this month, I will be installed in the, in the coastal woods.

Of the state of Maine. And I will be returning to the solar powered studios of W E R U in order to record the show. I'm looking forward to hanging out with Joel Mann. And if you're not a listener to WERU, may I recommend you do so? You don't have to be in Maine to listen. WERU.org is available wherever you have a web browser and boy, oh boy, is it some of the funnest, most eclectic, uh, audio, uh, programming of music and,

uh, and local conversation than I ever get to hear. And you can too. WERU.org is where you go to listen to the live stream. It might be fun for you to get a bigger picture of the world of Maine that I inhabit a couple of months out of the year. And of course, along with public television and NPR and so many other places that are supported by the corporation for public broadcasting. WERU is facing a existential crisis. So if you like what you hear, I'm sure you can find that donate button right

there at weru.org and give them some support because they surely need it. And I would say they surely warrant it. So check out weru.org. And one other thing, it's not something you can do unless you are in Maine, but if you're in or near Belfast, Maine, go to the Colonial Movie Theater, much like my much beloved Coolidge Corner Movie Theater where I grew up working in Brookline, Massachusetts. The Colonial is a beautiful old movie palace that faced some understandably challenging times, especially during the lockdown portion of the COVID pandemic

But has somehow come out stronger because the community has bought it and is turning it into a community supported performing arts center And they've done wonderful work and they show great movies and it's called the colonial and they've got a giant statue of an elephant on top Belfast main is where it's at and you don't have to worry about running into me there because that's not where I live. So you can go enjoy your privacy in a beautiful movie at the Colonial Theater. Two recommendations for Maine, maybe I'll see you around. Let's get back to the case. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom

and presents his verdict. So Andrew, first of all, you acknowledged coming into this conversation that you messed up. I don't know how it was you messed up, but you met Rachel online some years ago. The relationship did not flourish in perhaps the way you hoped it would and in the way that it is now. And only by grace of serendipity were you spotted walking Esther down the road by

Rachel who for whatever messing up still felt attracted and interested in you and so she texted you. And here we are with this incredible outcome. Not only did you get a second chance at what I hope is the love of your respective lives, but also you have a new home to live in that accommodates not just you and not just your large TV, but also not one, not two, but three additional pets into a one-bedroom apartment. I know that you want to say too, but the sun room, which is the second bedroom, is given over to projects and litter consoles and laser cutters. It's not a bedroom. It's a swing space right now. And it needs to be because if it weren't for that swing space, I'm not sure that this apartment could be as beautiful as it is. And let me tell you something, Andrew.

You are now living in a beautiful apartment. And let me tell you something, Andrew, you are now living in a beautiful apartment. And let me tell you, Andrew, I love, and let me tell you, Rachel, I love your apartment. I think it looks gorgeous. I love all of the furniture. I love the layout. I love all the tasteful decoration. Those curtains and window treatments look spectacular.

And while I can't see that curved ceilings that you described, I can picture from my various times visiting Los Angeles, the kind of vaulted, maybe it's not stucco, but you know, those vaulted white ceilings and those big thick walls with the sconces. This is a really classic Los Angeles apartment with a beautiful view. And I am not even seeing out the windows of the sunroom or your deck.

I mean, it's a gorgeous space. And there's one thing, and both Wheatsey Bat and Ronnie and Tommy and Esther all seem to fit into this apartment very well. But there is one thing that is not beautiful that does not fit in, and that is this TV. Now, I was having a conversation with my wife who's a whole human being in her own right, and we were talking about the process of collaboration. I was talking about, you know,

how it's challenging to work creatively with a collaborator because, you know because you'll share ideas and your ideas will get bigger and better because you're sharing ideas back and forth and you're stress testing ideas and improving ideas, but every now and then you'll hit essentially a snag, an A-B decision point. Either the character's got to be named this or the character's got to be named that. Or either the character has this as a job or the character has that as a job. Either this is going to happen or that is going to happen. Or this character is going to be on the boat in the second act or not on the boat in the second act because people can't be in two places at the same time, not even in fiction.

And my wife, as a Holy Being in the Roman Rite, reminded me that this is sort of like marriage or long-term romantic cohabitating partnership. Like you both bring yourself to the relationship, you both are equals in the relationship, you both are sharing of equals in the relationship. You both are sharing of yourself in the relationship There's given there's taken there's compromised, but sometimes there's no compromise Sometimes there's gonna be a 65 inch TV in this house or there isn't Sometimes someone's gonna get what they want and the other person is not gonna get what they want zero sum and

This is one of those situations if you didn't catch how closely I was drawing the hypothetical to your actual situation when I used the example, sometimes there's going to be a 65-inch TV in that apartment and sometimes there is. For lack of a better phrase, there's going to be a winner and there's going to be a loser. And the winner is going to feel good but guilty and the loser is going to feel good, but guilty. And the loser is going to feel bad, but martyred, knowing that they're going to win the next one. Maybe. That's how you work it out. Maybe it's not. I don't know. The point is that in close relationships where

you are really, really sharing and respecting each other, even at the utmost, from time to time, there's just a surrender that's going to happen. One of you has to do it. That's why it's so challenging here. And it's doubly challenging because this is a beautiful apartment. I don't want to ruin it. I don't know how I would feel about hanging a projector and a screen from the ceiling, that might be discreet enough that it wouldn't ruin the flow of this room, or it might not.

I certainly don't know if it's going to provide you the visual fidelity that you're looking for, because you only have this room to live in, basically. In the foreground, there's a dining table, so I know you're doing your dining in there. In the rear is the sun room, which we know is just a swing room for all this other stuff. So that this one room can be beautifully curated, as beautifully curated as it is. Neither the small TV nor the big TV fits in it properly. And here we are. We are at that inflection point, whether there is going to be a TV in that space or there isn't going to be a TV in that space.

And here's the problem. Rachel, I think you've learned that you gave up all your leverage the moment you let the TV in in the first place. The time for you to, you know, if you had put your foot down and said, no, we're going to go to the movies, but I'm not having a TV in this room, or at least not a TV this big. We can have my TV or a smaller TV of better quality that we can move in and out easily or not. That would have been a condition and it would have been appropriate for Andrew to surrender.

I don't know what kind of wheeling and dealing happened that you got this, well, Hodgman wouldn't hear our case on the stage of a dynasty typewriter, so let's kick the can down the road a few months till we can get on the podcast. But once that TV is in there, it's just like the devil possessing his nine-tenths of the law. It takes a lot to get the devil out of that child and the exorcist. If I saw an elegant solution in this beautiful, elegant apartment, I would provide it. But the only solution that I think, as inelegant as it is, both emotionally and physically, is that the TV has to stay and Andrew has to put it away every night.

And I also think that this is a good solution as awkward and as inelegant as it is. It's a good solution because that is how Rachel had been handling her TV before obviously her TV is smaller. But it's not a postage stamp. It was pretty big TV. That's exactly the system that she had in place before. And while you do enjoy watching movies and television together and playing video games, like more or less every night, and it is a hassle, I think it is a hassle that is worth it and might even emphasize that it's a special occasion that you're doing something together, as opposed to just having a massive TV hanging out in the living room.

So making it a special occasion, even if that special occasion happens every night, I think is basic is not only the only solution, it is the fairest solution. So you're going to get some exercise. Find some space in the sunroom, move it in there. This is the sound of a gavel. Find some space in the sunroom, move it in there. This is the sound of a gavel. Big.

["Big TV"] Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Rachel, how are you feeling right now? I'm feeling pretty good. Yeah? Yeah. I'm feeling validated. Oh. Yeah.

So you just wanted someone to hear you. Yes, of course. Andrew, how are you feeling? I'm feeling good. I'm feeling a little emotional. I feel really lucky to be in this relationship and it's nice to hear that from the judge. Andrew, Rachel, thank you so much for joining us

on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Thank you for having us. Another Judge John Hodgman case is in the books. We're going to have swift justice in just a second. First, our thanks to Redditor Banjo Solo for naming this episode of Judge John Hodgman, which was called 4K no los dos. Join the conversation on the Maximum Fun subreddit.

That's at reddit.com slash r slash maximum fun. Name a future episode or check out all the different dumb puns that our audience suggests for an episode. Man, that's a lot of fun. You can also chat about the episodes at reddit.com slash r slash maximum fun. Evidence and photos from the show posted on our Instagram account. That's at Judge John Hodgman.

We're also on TikTok and YouTube at Judge John Hodgman Pod. Follow and subscribe to see our episodes and our video only content. Speaking of video only content, Jesse, hey, listener, are you watching us on YouTube right now? Why don't you go over to Judge John Hodgman-Bodd and subscribe to our YouTube channel. If you're over there, you might leave a comment, a comment like YouTube user TuckamoreDoo left saying no other courtroom consistently has such charming litigants. Thank you, TuckamoreDoo.

It's true. Our litigants are charming. And I'll even say even more charming, our YouTube commenters. Please go over and check out our YouTube channel. We're having a lot of fun over there. Please do hit that subscribe button, that like button, that share button, but also leave a comment. Maybe I'll read it right here on the show. If you leave a comment, tell us what you agree with or disagree with. Was I right about Andrew and Rachel or wrong? Is picture quality important to you? Do you like a projector?

What would you recommend for their space? Or do you just watch everything on a laptop? The way I watched Avatar on a seatback, the way it was meant to be seen on a Delta flight. Ah, that way you really get to enjoy the dialogue, John. That's right. Yeah. The subtitles, because I have to to enjoy the dialogue, John. That's right. Yeah. The subtitles, cause I have to watch with the captions, took about a third of the screen.

Let us know in the comments on YouTube at Judge John Hodgman Podd, where you can also share this episode with a friend. Just hit the share button, email or text it to someone you know. If you want someone to listen or discover the show for the first time, going to YouTube and hitting the share button might be the easiest way. Once again, I will say it, if you subscribe, more people will see the videos, and more people will subscribe,

and more people will see the videos, and more people will discover the podcast. So if you love it, listen to me. We're asking you to share, subscribe, like it over there on YouTube. Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman, our social media manager is Dan Telfer. The podcast is edited by AJ McKinn. Our video editor, Daniel Spear.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. Okay, John, you ready for Swift justice? I am ready. Okay, this is from just another Batman on Reddit. Sure. Do bananas have juice? My friend says no, because they don't have any squeezable liquid.

I say yes, any fruit with water content can be juiced. Yeah, I mean, you can liquefy a banana and people do it all the time for a smoothie, but it is called a smoothie, not a liquidy. You know what I mean? It's all, I've never never you can't separate the liquid from the solid in a banana. Can you? I mean, you can in a carrot, which you can't just squeeze. I'll tell you what I'm going to send this as a challenge to our listeners and viewers.

Take a video of you trying to get banana water out of a banana. I don't know how you do it. Use a use a cider press, use cheesecloth, whatever you do. If you can get me pure banana water with no pulp or strings in it, then I will rule that that banana has juice. Send us a video and maybe we'll put it on our YouTube channel and making a competition of some kind, but until I see it with my own eyes, I will say bananas don't have juice. Prove me wrong, debate me.

That's what the internet's for. Happy birthday, John. Thank you very much, Jesse. You know, it was my birthday yesterday as of the day of this release. No one needs to get me anything, but if you must, a good birthday present for me would be disputes, cases for us to settle here on the court of Judge John Hodgman.

Uh, it can be anything. Uh, why don't we get some birthday disputes, uh, anything related to dates or times of birth. You have a disagreement with your parents over the time of day when you were born. Uh, do you, uh, does your friend want to throw you a surprise party, but you hate surprises, are you a Capricorn clashing with a Sag? Uh, did a friend bring a, a gift for your birthday, even though you said, I don't want any gifts.

And what do you do with that gift? You throw it away or do you send it to me? John Hodgman, re-gift it. Why not? I don't want a gift for real, but I do want your disputes and cases. And truly they can be anything. Even if it's a, even if it's a dispute you're only having in your own mind with someone who isn't there to defend themselves,

I want to hear about it at maximumfund.org slash JJHO. That URL one more time, maximumfund.org slash JJHO. Very easy to submit a case. We use them in all kinds of different venues. Sometimes we use them in live shows. Sometimes we use them on the podcast. Sometimes we use them on social media. Sometimes we use them in Swift Justice

or in the Membo Mailbag. They're all over everywhere. So please don't censor yourself. Go to maximumfund.org slash JJ HO and submit them. For example, if you don't have a litigant who can come with you on the podcast, say it's like your eccentric millionaire uncle who wants you to spend a night in a haunted house

and you don't want to, and you know that he won't go on the podcast, that's okay. Send in your dispute with him, and maybe we'll settle it without even calling him. Maximumfund.org slash JJHO. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network.

Of artist-owned shows. Supported. Directly. By you.