Judge John Hodgman - A Danderous Precedent

Episode Date: May 22, 2013

Should allergy-prone Mike get allergy shots so his family can indulge their love of fuzzy wuzzy pets?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, a danderous precedent. Mike brings the case against his wife Christine. Mike's very allergic to cats and dogs, but Christine hopes to own a furry pet one day. She's asked Mike to undergo allergy shots. Should Mike take one for the team, or should the family give up the dream of cute fuzzy wuzzies? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Before you are allowed to swear them in, Jesse, you must answer my riddle. Which creature shuts pie holes on four legs in the morning, on two legs in the afternoon,

and shuts pie holes on three legs in the evening? If you do not answer correctly, I am going to strangle and devour you. Jesse? A man who is a bailiff. For when he is a child, he walks on four legs. As he becomes a man,

he walks on two. And as he grows old, and so forth. He shuts his pie holes on three legs. A cane, indeed. A cane. Or if you have bad cartilage in one of your knees. You are correct.

You may pass. My pie hole is shut. Swear them in. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he has no dogs and instead has an Indian elephant, and that's only because the African elephant was too big for the box? I do. I do. Very well, Judge Hodgman. Mike and Christine, welcome to the court. You may be seated now for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favor. Can either you, Mike, or you, Christine, name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom? Christine? I cannot. I'm sorry. Really, Mike? Nope. What? Come on, you guys.

Jesse? Yeah, it's like Greek myth. Oh, you guys. Jesse? Yeah, it's like Greek myth. Oh, you dudes. Is that the riddle of the Sphinx? It is the riddle of the Sphinx. There you go. Or one of several riddles supposedly attributable to a talking statue in Egypt. Or Thebes.

Or Thebes in this case, actually. That's the most famously associated with the myth of Oedipus. That which walks in the morning on four feet is a baby, because in the morning of its life it crawls around. Then two feet in the afternoon, a man walking happily. Or a woman, I suppose. And then in the evening of its life on three feet because it uses a cane. Now, why did I reference the riddle of the Sphinx?

Another shot. Because a Sphinx is a cat? No getting there. I'm not giving you a summary judgment, but what is interesting about the Sphinx cat? Hmm. I can't tell you. They're hairless.

Thank you, Christine. Mike, have you ever heard of an educated guess before? Not in this case, I guess. Can you analyze the context in which we are speaking? Do you think I'm just dropping Riddle of the Sphinx references all the time? You had that it was a cat. What's wrong with you? Mike, you are allergic to cats and dogs?

Both, yes. Any other creatures? Pretty much anything with hair. I see. Do you, is your wife a sufferer of alopecia universalis? No, I guess she's exempt from that. So are the children. Do you yourself use a full body depilatory and then walk around in a crazy shiny jumpsuit because you are like Julianne Moore in Safe because you are allergic to the world around you?

That would be a funny sight. Well, it may be your sentence if you don't get to the point. How severely allergic are you? When we first got married, we decided to go get a cat. And when we actually went into the Humane Society to get the cat is when the actual allergies started hitting me really bad. You had actually turned into. Sorry, go ahead. No, thank you. Thank you for listening. You had never experienced an allergic reaction to a cat before this cat? No. We had always attributed it to seasonal allergies. We didn't realize it was the actual cat until we took him to the emergency room that night.

So what kind of cat did you adopt? It was a tortoise. A tortoise? Mm-hmm. An American shorthair? Yes. With a tortoiseshell coat? Yes.

That is, for those of you out there who do not listen to Cat Fancy, a cat with a tortoiseshell pattern on its coat, not a cat with a hard shell. Hard shell. Which may be the kind of cat you need. Possibly. Maybe you should just get a tortoise. Not very fun. Let's just save that for a second, because I'd like to explore that very possibility with you. Mike, what kind of

reaction did you have to this cat? Well, the usual disgusting type reaction where I got the mucus going and hives and running nose and congestion, which actually later we found to be asthma brought on by allergies. You are speaking to an allergy-induced asthmatic right now, me. We have a club. Sadly, we do. We fly the banner of the albuterol inhaler. Actually, I'm allergic to albuterol. One of the few people in the world.

What? Yep, I have to use Max Air. And how does that work for you? Max Air works wonderful. So you get married. How many years ago did you get married? 14 years. Oh, thank you.

And you got this cat. The cat caused you to have terrible allergies. Then you got asthma. Then you went to the doctor, got albuterol. Then you got double allergies. Are you to the doctor, got albuterol. Then you got double allergies. Are you sure your wife is not poisoning you? At that time, I don't think I had life insurance, so I was pretty safe. Well, that's not the only motive for murder.

Christine, what happened after? So your husband had this terrible reaction to the cat and then to the medicine for the cat. And then he went away for a while to a compound in the American desert in order to get better. And when he returned, you no longer had the cat. What happened to this cat? What was the cat's name? The cat's name was Lacey. Lacey.

Actually, he was homesick for about the first two weeks. The cat was homesick too? Well, wait a minute, because I'm starting to... We kept the cat for a few weeks afterwards i'm starting did you poison the cat as well is this is this both human and feline munchausen's by proxy going on down there no was the cat sick or your husband was sick mike was sick mike was very sick so and we actually had uh allergy, I believe, during that time. Yeah, I was getting to that. Okay, so he became so sick that he had to stay home for how long?

About two weeks. Two weeks. That does not sound like the regular mucus, which is how Mike described it. You know, the regular mucus. It turned into bronchitis. I see. Which turned into pneumonia. And a slight case of pneumonia.

All right. So Lacey was hanging around, by the way, Lacey is a male cat with a female name? No, it was a girl cat. Okay, I misunderstood. Oh, that's right, you said he got sick. Now I understand. I apologize. So Lacey, girl cat, Tortie, Lacey Tortie, is hanging around this time,

and then you decide to get allergy shots. Is that right, Mike? Yes. I went to an allergist, finally a specialist, after I got the pneumonia, and I said, well, what's wrong? When did pneumonia come in? Did I miss that?

Well, the bronchitis actually turned into walking pneumonia because I didn't know at that time that I had asthma because we still had the cat. Right. And we're thinking, boy, this is just, what's wrong. It's just bronchitis. It's just this and that. Okay. So we went to the allergist and the allergist said, okay, well, we can put you on allergy shots for a couple of years and you'll be fine because we both love the cat. At that point, we wanted to keep the cat. We were trying everything to keep the cat at that point. We wanted to keep the cat.

We were trying everything to keep the cat at that point. So I was put on an allergy shot regimen for about, I think it lasted about six months. Now, with allergy shots, because I went through this as a kid, this is when you get a series of shots where you are given a small dose of lots and lots of different common allergens, and the idea is to build up immunity. Is that correct?

Yes. Or was my mother lying to me when I went to the doctor all those times? No, that's the theory. That's how it's supposed to work. But what happened? Well, after about 40 minutes after the shot, we ended up in the emergency room the first time. Why?

Because he is so allergic to cats, he's allergic to the allergy shots. And so, but what was the symptom that caused him to go to the emergency? Are you okay, sir? You're starting to cough right now just by talking about this. Oh, okay. Sorry, Jesse. I appreciate your comedy cough, though, Bailiff. Thank you. What was the symptom that was so severe that you had to go to the

emergency room? Well, I had hives pretty much all over my body and I was having trouble breathing. His throat closed up. You were going into anaphylactic shock? Yes. I see. Yeah, pretty much. To deal with the cat, you got the allergy shots. And then the allergy shots caused you to go into anaphylactic shock. And then your wife, hoping to save your life, sprayed you with an albuterol inhaler, which caused your eyes to turn into fire. And then you fell backwards over a cliff into a bucket of dead fish. Was it a comedy routine?

I see. Well, that's very serious. So you went to the emergency room and your life was saved? Yeah, my life was saved. I wasn't as serious as most people who go into anaphylactic shock go into. So what they did was my allergist basically said, yeah, that was much too high of a dose of the allergy shot, so we'll cut it in half. So we attempted to do the allergy shot again. A couple weeks later. A couple weeks later. And went in a couple times. I was fine. Then about the third time after that, I was driving back to work. And I actually started to go into shock while I was driving.

So I pulled over to a gas station. Were you on a windy road along the cliff? No, no. And had your wife force fed you a large tumbler full of bourbon? That would have been nice at that point. No, but I stopped at the gas station and called 911 and realized that the fire station that was going to come and save me was right next door to that gas station.

So you heard, woo, and then they were there. Wow. There's quite a crowd there. I actually had to groan a little piteously because I felt bad, you know, shutting their doors for a little bit. Christine, have you ever heard the song, the novelty song, The Cat Came Back? I vaguely remember it. All right. It is basically a song about a cat owner that wants to get rid of a cat and keeps doing things to cause the cat to die or leaving it in the country or trying to get rid of it.

And every day the cat came back the next day. That's what's going on with your husband. Every day, the cat came back the next day. That's what's going on with your husband. You keep trying to murder your husband with cats and shots and cars. Well, no. We gave up after that. And then we found a home for the cat.

You, black widow. All right. And so Lacey went away to cat jail. Where did Lacey go? My mother took her in for us. And is Lacey still alive? No. Sadly, she passed away about nine years ago.

I'm sorry to hear that. And now you want to try to murder your husband again. Why? Well... You want to get a cat. You want to get a cat. No, we don't want a cat. Oh. We want a dog.

Oh. Are you allergic to dogs, Mike? I am allergic to... A lot am allergic to most breeds of dogs. I did grow up with a cockapoo, so I'm not allergic to the breed of the poodle, I believe. Did you say cockapoo? Cockapoo, yes. You understand that this is a family podcast. Yes, I do.

I think the possibility that elementary school children are listening is the reason he just said cockapoo. And is a cockapoo, is that similar to a cockadoody? Or is that a kind of bird? I can never remember. All right. It's a cross between a cocker spaniel and a poodle, I presume. Correct.

Like a labradoodle, but replace the Labrador with a cocker spaniel. Correct. Or even a golden doodle we were looking at. Poodles will just do it with anything, won't they? They are the sluts of the animal kingdom, yes. So you grew up with a cockapoo and you were fine with it? Yes, I was fine with that. What they said when I asked them about that was that as you age with an animal,

you'll actually build up immunity kind of like the allergy shots. I had a cat the entire time I was growing up, and I've had asthma my entire life. Coincidence? But anyway. I'm just saying cats are trying to kill me. Anyway, I'm just saying cats are trying to kill me. Do you know about this thing that is in cat leavings that infects your... Toxoplasmosis?

Yes. Yes, I know all about it. Is that why you're always making such poor decisions that show a lack of inhibition? That's why I'm always eating cat feces. Sidebar, everyone. Do you guys know what toxoplasmosis is? Yes. All right. I am unaware. Do you have children? We do. And are they healthy children? So far. Did you have the cat when you were pregnant with your, any of your children? No, we had gotten rid of her before yeah we had our oldest pregnant women who are pregnant should not change litter boxes because there is the chance

that the cat may be infected with a parasite called toxoplasmosis and toxoplasmosis is a parasite that wants to wants to live in cats and it is transferred by cat feces. It is transferred by cat feces into rats and mice, which will eat cat feces and then will cause rats and mice. It changes their brain patterns such that rats and mice become extremely bold and unconcerned with their self-preservation, such that they will run right in front of cats and go, cock-a-poo-poo, come and get me. Come at me, bro.

And the cat eats them, and the parasite gets back into another cat. That's the weird life cycle of the toxoplasmosis. But if you handle cat feces and accidentally, I'm not saying that you're a feces eater, but you know what I'm saying. If you accidentally get any of this into your body, it will mean nothing to your life whatsoever. You'll never notice that you have it. But it can cause in pregnant women birth defects in the developing embryo. So don't handle cat feces in the best, I mean, that's just general good advice. There's also evidence to suggest that it reduces inhibition and increases risk-taking even in

otherwise apparently healthy people such that it may be that there's a significant increase in the likelihood, for example, that you get into a car accident because you have toxoplasmosis living inside your brain telling you what to do. Yeah, yeah. Toxoplasmosis wants you to drive off the road so that rats will eat you and get into cats. I don't know exactly what the plan is. But like cats and like your wife, Mike, toxoplasmosis wants to kill you. I wouldn't go that far. I'm sorry to keep accusing you of murder, Christine. But, you know, I think the lesson of this is that animals can cause severe, weird reactions in other humans.

You've already gone through an incredibly traumatic experience, or at least one that was traumatic for Mike. Why are you wanting to put him through this again? I don't want to kill him. He's pretty cute. I do want to keep him around. Sure. His allergies are so severe that we cannot visit people that have pets. So for instance, my mother still has other cats. And so when we go to visit for holidays, we're on like a time clock. I hear the Mission Impossible theme song in my head, and I'm just waiting for the time when we have about an hour before his allergies will be so severe we have to leave the house. Okay, stand by. For the big blow up. Stand by for one second. Christine, will you step out of the room for a moment?

Sure. Mike, may I have a private word with you? Sure. This thing about your allergies that your mother-in-law has, that's a lie, right? No, I'm actually very lucky. I have very good in-laws. Okay. So that's for real that you go over there and you get an allergy attack? It is very much for real. They actually have two cats and two dogs. Right. Well, they're loading it up. And one mother-in-law and one father-in-law. Ah!

And do you take any prescription or over-the-counter antihistamines? I do take antihistamines over-the-counter. That's why I can stay there for about two to three hours. If I do not take those, it's maybe 15 minutes. So, Christine, is it that you want to get another cockapoo in your life, or is it that you want him to take these allergy medicines so for once in your life you could be married to a normal human? I don't think the shots would make him normal, so we'll just...

Objection. I will allow it. What is your objection, Mike? My objection is she is painting me as the monster. There is certain shows on television. I won't go into buzz marketing right now, but they are the shows that you will watch on certain channels with cute little kitties running in the sunlight and kittens falling out of baskets. And these will mysteriously be turned on at night to the squeals of my children. on at night to the squeals of my children.

And accusatory looks will be given to me by my children. And things have been said that paint me in a bad light for my condition, as I call it. How old are your children? We have one eleven and one nine. And they really want a pet. Oh yes. You can hear the squeals of delight throughout the house when that show comes on. But you said that you want that Christine,

you said you were interested in getting a dog, but you're correct, but you're showing your children, cute cat videos all the time. What, what weird games? There's puppies too. So what's the end?

What's the, what, what is it that you want? Do you want a fuzzy animal in the house? Yes. And do you want Mike to get these shots? Or do you think if you get a cockapoo, Mike, do you think you'd be okay? I think I would be okay, but we have a nine-year-old boy who would love these animals to death. So we'd have to get something large. And we live in a 900-square-foot house.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. When you say he's going to love these animals to death, therefore we have to get something large, are you concerned that your nine-year-old boy is going to crush an animal that's too small? Is your child Baby Huey? I will love him and pet him and love him and pet him. Yeah, he does. He really, really loves the animals.

And I think it may be because he doesn't have an animal at home. And I think every child deserves. You've not answered my question. Are you concerned that your child is going to crush a small? Is your son going to hulk out and crush a cockapoo? Depends on how big the cockapoo is. Is that really your concern? I'm honestly trying to get to the bottom of the sentence that you said.

Well, I am concerned that there is a bit of roughness. It could be her on accident. Yeah. The tiny ones. Yeah, right. A lot of the breeds, the pomopoos. Oh, no. Don't tell me there's a pomopoo now.

Well, anything with the poo in it we know would be allergy friendly. Friendly, not, you know. There's enough poo associated with dogs already. Do they have to have it in the name? Do you feel confident, Mike, that there is

a hardy, non-crushable dog breed that you could tolerate in the house such that you would not have to get these allergy shots? Or do you have to do both? There is a designer dog, the golden doodle, or something along those lines that would probably be acceptable for us. It's probably. I'm not laughing at your problem. I'm just laughing because

these dogs have such a dumb name. They do. But the golden doodle is a bigger dog. And they're very expensive. I can tell. At least it's not, at least it's not a golden poo.

Have you considered getting a toots and toesies? Uh, uh, so, so where is the, it sounds like you guys have settled on the on the on the uh what golden doodle you guys have agreed on the gold something in the in the oodle family yes so where is the conflict the conflict is i don't i'm afraid if we do go out and we spend the money to buy because usually can't come across these at least around our and part of the country it's hard to find

these dogs you know in the shelter so we'd have to buy a puppy right we don't know for sure if he can tolerate it and his allergies if we're sitting next to someone in church he will start to tear up and he'll have to leave because even if he sits next to someone. And so I want him to get the shots. Do you guys worship a furry god? Oh, because someone has dander on their coat or whatever. All right. So you want him to get the shots and he doesn't want to get the shots?

Correct. So you want to go through the one-two punch of life-threatening anaphylactic shock again because your son wants a thing that he can play with and not kill son and daughter i see yes and you don't want to get the shots well the shots are a non-guarantee I'm not sure if they worked for you, but they're, they're not wholly guaranteed to work. And since I had such a reaction to them and them having to cut the shots in half, it would take years and years and years just to get, you know, some kind of immunity for me.

Right. And you don't want to go through that process because it's a, it seems like a toil or because you're afraid for your life it seems more like a toil i'm not afraid for my life i trust my doctor strangely enough but it would be a toil yes okay um and i i am willing to go through with the shots the question i guess is is what i want is kind of a third party objective answer hey you know you're being a monster uh go get the shots and let your children, uh, experience the wonders of having a pet.

Let me, let me, I, I, I appreciate you're encouraging me to call you a monster. That is one of my favorite things to do in life is call people monsters. But let me ask you this question, sir, answering solely for yourself, search your feelings. Do you want a golden poo? I don't want a golden poo. I wouldn't mind a golden doodle if we had a bigger house. Do you not?

Would you not mind? Oh, so the house is an issue. You have a small house, 900 square feet, right? Yep. And would you live in the country or do you live in the city or do you live in the city? What city? Toledo, Ohio. Toledo, Ohio. All right. That's a good place for a dog, right? We've got a decent backyard, but the house would be very limiting for it. Do you have a pooper scooper law? We have a gated

backyard. Yeah, but would you let your dog golden poo all over your backyard and never clean it up? No, I'd have to clean it up. Well, you know that allergies could be a good excuse not to clean that up, too. That's what we have kids for. That's true. Do you want, Mike, answering only for yourself and knowing that I, too, am a family man and that all choices are made in a nexus of what you want and what the family wants.

But if you were to just purely speak for yourself, do you want a golden... I'm going to call it a golden poo because it amuses me. Do you want a golden poo? Not would you mind it. Do you want it? I do want a dog, yes. Christine, you concur?

Yes. I'm trying to determine whether or not you want this thing because you want this dog or because you want this dog to make your children happy. Which is the truer statement? I would like the dog. I've always loved animals and animals always come up to me because they know that I'm allergic to them. And I would I would really like an animal. It's just a question of tolerance for me. Right. And you would prefer not to get the shots. Correct.

And you, Christine, are in agreement. You would like to get this dog and you would prefer for him to get the shots. Yes. The shots be more of an insurance policy that he'd be able to tolerate it. And is Obama going to pay for these shots or what? I know. Good old regular health insurance. It would be covered by your insurance? Yes. We're very lucky. It wouldn't put you into financial, Yes, we're very lucky. It wouldn't put you into financial, excuse me, it wouldn't put you into financial disorder?

There would be some costs out of pocket for us, but I think him being able to go somewhere without snotting and sneezing is worth it. Mm-hmm. I think I have everything I need to make my decision. I am going to go into the chambers and sit in my plush mohair and cockapoo skin armchair, and I'll be back in a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Mike, how are you feeling about the case? I honestly don't know what to think at this point. Is your wife really trying to kill you?

I'll take your silence as a yes. Christine, how are you feeling? I'm feeling very positive. Who doesn't want someone to be healthy? Have you ever thought about just getting a tortoise? I know that you said that they were boring, but... We have fish, you know, but they're not... Fish are boring. A tortoise lives in your backyard, and you feed him carrots and lettuce,

and he eats them like... You know what I'm talking about? I think he'd be a little cold in the winter. Yeah, you'd have to build him a tortoise enclosure. Mike, I think you could do that, though. There may be a law against that in the city limits, too. Tortoise enclosures? Absolutely not. Those are completely legal

in all 50 states. Depends on how big the tortoise is. Yeah, well, if we have a woodchuck in our backyard, maybe they could get together and... Just domesticate the woodchuck. Problem solved. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. First of all, you may be seated. Second of all, do not get a tortoise.

They live too long. They live too long. Tortoises are like parrots. They live decades and decades and decades longer than you will live. A parrot will definitely live longer than you will live, Mike, because you're a fragile invalid. Yes. Third of all, this case causes me concern. As always, there is the balancing of a couple of different heartfelt principles. And as always, there is the balancing of a couple of different hard felt principles.

One is that no one should be compelled to have a medical procedure that they do not want. And certainly not to make their dumb children happy. Second of all, getting a pet for a child when you do not want one is something that I do not support, even though I am guilty of it in my life. You know, I told you a little bit about toxoplasmosis and it came up in my life recently because we had some guests staying in a house that used to belong to my mother in Western Massachusetts. And we had seen a mouse in the house before we left. And then the guests came in to stay for a while, and we said, I hope it's not a problem, but we saw a mouse, and we put out some traps.

It should be fine. But then all they would do is see mice. And apparently we had a horrible infestation, and we felt terrible about it, especially because this couple had never really spent a lot of time in the country and the mice were freaking them out. And they were going on the Internet and getting really freaked out by saying, I think these mice might have a parasite that causes them to act extra bold and brazen and unconcerned for their own welfare. And that's when I had to write an email back.

And I knew what was going to happen, but I felt compelled to say, I think what you're describing is toxoplasmosis. And it seems unlikely that that's true. I think these mice are just acting like mice. But if there is a possibility that your wife in any way might be pregnant, you should know that she should not handle cat feces because they had a cat as well. And I feel like, I feel like I didn't even hit the send button before they were out the door with the, with the screen door slamming. And so I went back to that house and indeed there was a, there was a real mouse problem. I felt terrible about for my friends. Luckily, I don't think they ended

up having a deformed baby of any kind. And I don't think those mice had toxoplasmosis, but I basically dedicated my life to destroying mice for the next three months in the most vicious way possible. I mean, have a heart traps? No, they just come back. Glue traps are monstrous because the mice die by starvation. Instead, I would, you know, get these guillotines, you know, the, well, not little, not little guillotines. That would be cute. But like these, these massive, not even, not like, not even the old fashioned wire traps, you know, but these new ones that they make that have these horrible jaws. And I would be throwing these mice away all the time at the same time that my children were begging for Siberian dwarf hamsters, which I went out of town and my wife got them

these hamsters and these hamsters. I don't know if you've ever seen a Siberian dwarf hamster. Do you know what it looks like? It's's a mouse it's a mouse without a tail so i'm in this existential limbo between desperately trying to care the first one the first hamster we got immediately got wet tail and died i watched it take its last breaths in front of my eyes as my children stood around crying. Right. And then, then later that day I went and go and, and, and viciously murdered about a dozen of its cousins.

Wow. Yeah. And that's the thing about animals in this house, in, in your house. You have to understand they are an invasive species. They are weird and will get sick and die in front of your eyes and make you sadder than you've ever been. Animals require you to be harsh to the point that is very uncomfortable.

Sometimes when, let's say, an animal is very sick or it is causing your husband to almost die, you have to give it away, which is very hard. Or you have to, you know, if it's very sick, you have to give it away which is very hard or you have to you know if it's very sick you have to arrange for its murder pets are not fun everybody pets are a terrible terrible burden upon your lives and you only have them a if you are inhabited by a parasite that is making you want to have cats around you such such as toxoplasmosis. B, you are incredibly lonely. C, you are a couple without children that are trying out what it is like to have a perpetual infant in your life, aka a dog, that you will

immediately abandon the moment you actually have children. And then you will feel guilty for the rest of your life. Or, D, was up to D, you just really, really, really want a dog or a cat. And I can't help you if you're controlled by some parasite that makes you want these things. So, here is the thing,

you guys. A, no way am I going to argue, or no way am I going to force Mike to go get some shots that made him really sick the last time and are just going to argue or no way am I going to force Mike to go get some shots that made him really sick the last time and are just going to be a huge hassle in his life. If indeed there is a cockapoo or a golden doodle out there that he might be able to tolerate. Two, you got to find out what dog you can tolerate. And that means you got to go down to the goal you got to you got to make friends with some golden

doodle owners in your community go look up the golden poo club of toledo ohio and just start hanging with golden doodles and see what's going on that is better than any allergy shot you're ever going to have and i advise you to get your murderous child your murderous son who wants to kill dogs and and your and your what your other child your uh your 11 year old is a son also a son or a daughter your 11 year old daughter who's probably based on my personal experience, the only responsible person in your house, you should take them, you should put up flyers all around Toledo and say, my kids want to take care of a golden doodle

and I want to see if it's going to make me sick. Please call us and let my children take care of your dog. Offer yourselves as dog sitters. Get those kids familiar with the amount of dog feces they're going to have to pick up. Because until those kids understand exactly what is involved in taking care of the perpetual infant that is a dog, and until you know what dogs you can tolerate with or without shots, there's no way you should have a dog in your house. No way.

Because you almost, you went to the emergency room. And while it's known that cats are more malicious than dogs, and the cat was probably happy that you went to the emergency room. And the moment you guys were out of the house, it made itself a sandwich and watched TV and said, finally. it made itself a sandwich and watched TV and said, finally, there's no, I, I, there's, there's no way you should put your own health and wellbeing at risk just to make your children happy for the, for the five minutes that they will like this dog. And then they'll get distracted by Lego Batman or whatever. Like my son did with the hamster that he made me get that I had to basically put through hospice care myself. Don't get hamsters, don't get tortoises,

don't get parrots. Do you understand my ruling? Yes. No dog in your house until you are intimately familiar with the breed and your children have experience taking care of it. Advertise as dog walkers, advertise as dog sitters, make friends with any golden doodle or cockapoo breeder or any other candidate dog in your area. Go visit, go volunteer your children to help the breeder take care of things like the poop at that breeder's house or whatever, get to know the dog that you are thinking about adopting and get to know it intimately.

And then if you do not die, sir, and the kids seem actually ready for this responsibility, then go for it. Have a golden poo. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Christine, is this satisfactory to you? Absolutely. What are you going to do to get one of these golden tutors? I will get on the Pet Finder websites and start looking for someone in our area.

I don't think that's what Pet Finder is for, but I appreciate your enthusiasm. Mike, how are you feeling? I feel great. This is great. I think we have the opportunity to get a dog later and we can see that I don't die in the meantime. What happens if this dog comes to your house, your children fall in love with it, you get sick and die, and then your poor wife, who's the sole breadwinner for this entire family, has to take care of this burdensome dog, which the children won't let go of because it's all they have left to love? Well, see, now I have life insurance, you see. She'll be sad, but at least she'll be able to take care of herself and the dog. Fair enough, Mike. Well,

Mike, Christine, thank you so much for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Thank you. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. dot org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right?

Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs. They're made in, made in.

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They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs.

Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional-grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel.

Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep. That's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world and you get to hear the sound.

It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply.

Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory.

The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. in the halls. Well, S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I will never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself.

A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Judge Hodgman, I got you a present. I'm sorry, you caught me mainlining some Benadryl. What's my present? Is it a bird flu mask? No, it's a parrot and a tortoise. They're best friends.

Oh, yay. The parrot rides the tortoise around the backyard. The century club. The pet century club. And on a more serious note, I also got you life insurance. Thank you very much. Well, wait a minute. Let's clear the docket.

Here's something from Anne. I seek a ruling on the correct wording of beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot. That's how my husband and I learned it. Our nine-year-old twins, Nick and Josh, maintain that the correct lyrics are beans, beans, the magical fruit. Obviously, this is incorrect as A, there's nothing magic about it. It's science. And B, the toot is the music referred to in the correct version. We each agreed to put up $1.

Our internet research has shown that both versions are common. Judge Hodgman, will you rule that my husband and I are correct? Beans are the musical fruit. If we win, the boys have to sing it our way. I will be happy to rule. Beans are not fruits, they are legumes. Give me all your dollars. Address is on the website. Here's something from LP. I submit to you an internal dispute. This is a dispute that he's having with himself. My grandfather, long deceased, was a U.S. soldier

in World War II. He led an invasion and the Germans they were fighting formally surrendered. When the German officer surrendered he relinquished his sidearm and a functional but presumably mostly ceremonial dagger. I recently came into possession of the dagger which is obviously an interesting piece of our family history. I have no intention to get rid of it but I've had a great deal of trouble deciding what to do with it. The dagger features a swastika so I'm not very comfortable displaying it in my home. The obvious alternative is to simply store it in a safe deposit box at the bank, but something seems sad about just putting this great piece of family history into permanent

storage. What should I do with this dagger? One thing you do not want to do is to put your Nazi dagger into a safe deposit box or a wall safe or any other kind of hidden location without a thorough explanation of where it came from and how you feel about it. Because you do not want to pass on unexpectedly and have your heirs or whoever's taking care of your estate suddenly open a safety deposit box and find a Nazi dagger in it and realize and then think that you had some kind of weird secret life. First of all, historically appraised for authenticity, to get a certificate of that authenticity, to write a letter explaining to the world that you are not a Nazi, and then to keep it, if you do not wish to get rid of it, which I would, to keep it under wraps in a safety deposit box or in a strong box somewhere in your study or something like that. Otherwise, I agree that you should not display it, but I think you need to make sure that you know what it is,

that it has a historical chain of evidence or some historical record attached to it and to make it clear to the world that you're keeping it as a piece of historical and family memorabilia. I would consider making a donation to the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C. or some other affiliated program in order to just, I don't know, try to balance things out a little bit. Thanks this week to Amy Franco for helping name our case. If you want to name a future episode of Judge John Hodgman, follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman, or like us on Facebook.

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at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at gosuperego.com. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum

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