Judge John Hodgman - A Little Dockey

Episode Date: November 18, 2015

Judge Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse clear out the docket, taking on the right way to share a suitcase, how to order at restaurants without infuriating your server, and "The Game".

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week we're clearing the docket. How are you, Judge Hodgman? I'm good. You know what I call clearing the docket? What do you call it? Having a little docky. Oh, really? Is that what you... Well, among who do you... Because you've never said that to me. By myself in my chambers. I feel like having a little docky.

That is, of course, a reference to the great Tim Meadows joke from Saturday Night Live when Tim Meadows, the genius, would appear on the show to talk about how much he loves hockey. And he would say, I love hockey so much. Like, I don't remember who was the it was like weekend update. I don't remember who was the official anchor for it. update. I don't remember who was the official anchor for it, but Tim Meadows would appear as the hockey commentator. I'm like, you really love hockey, Tim? He's like, yeah, that's why they call me Little Hockey. Still makes me laugh.

I love Little Hockey. And here's a little dockie for y'all in your ears. Here's something from Rebecca. I bring a case against my boyfriend, Loan. He confuses waitstaff and our fellow dining companions with the way he orders food in restaurants. I think it's proper to order drinks,

then appetizers, then mains, and hold off on ordering dessert till later. Loan will usually order at random or flip through naming dishes from the back of the menu to the front. I can see that it confuses the waitstaff and our friends when he reels off the main dishes, then goes to the appetizers.

It appears as though he's forgotten to order the appetizers. And sometimes he has. That's a parenthetical exclamation. You know what? A radio professional like yourself doesn't need to add a parenthetical explanation to what is obviously a parenthetical exclamation. You nailed it. You know, it's a lot like being a Shakespearean actor. What you're really reading is the punctuation. Also, you're dressed up as a girl. That's true. And everyone is pretending that they can't tell that I'm not one.

I do try to order for both of us, but the waitstaff often defers to him. And Loewen will give me an annoyed look when I jump over him to order. The waitstaff doesn't know what to do with us and they'll bring appetizers and mains at once. Please tell Loewen to place his order in the traditional way.

Yeah, I'm surprised that the waitstaff hasn't kicked you out. There are probably no restaurants that will have you anymore you and your weird boyfriend let me understand this when you when you you are a radio professional so i should know this when you went uh jesse was that you going uh no that was notated in the text uh specifically it was an uh at, the sexism, uh, inherent in ordering food at restaurants. The waitstaff will often defer to this confusing probable sociopath.

Yeah. Despite the fact, just because he's a man, despite the fact that he's a sociopath. Yeah. Okay. I got you. And when she says that,

uh, Lohan will give me an annoyed look when I jump over him to order, is she actually jumping over him physically? Yeah. I mean, I presume it's a metaphor, but there's no way to know for sure. Yeah. So I think, I mean, Jesse, do you have an opinion? I think you see where I'm going with this. of ordering appetizers and mains together is not i i don't think that that is as cut and dried as the issue of ordering everything in random order all at once especially dessert yeah that that is where i think we we we breach insanity in this case Because I think often a server will first come take a drinks order, make sure everyone has a menu, and see if they need any help. The second visit from the server will be to take orders for food, appetizers and mains.

Then when that's done, they will come and say, hey, would anybody like coffee or dessert? Yeah, we've all been to grown-up restaurants before. And we understand that. And we understand that going to a restaurant is theater. It is a presentation of a kind, and you, in your part as the audience, have certain expectations placed upon you of being a good audience member. When you go to see some Shakespeare play where a bunch of dudes are dressed as women and no one knows what they are, you're not supposed to stand up in the middle of the thing and go, you're all men dressed as women. This mix up is hardly a mix up at all. This isn't quite as quite as offensive as that, but it is a is a violation of the accepted pacing of the interaction.

And you have to bear in mind that waitstaff are frenzied. I mean, there is a tremendous amount of brain work that goes into being a good waitron. That's the gender neutral term. Did you know that, Jesse? Waitron? Yep. They tried to popularize that for a while in the 1980s. Is that the gender neutral term or the live or not alive neutral term? Carbon based or silicon based neutral term?

Waitron is also the generic term for robot waiter. Yeah. But I mean, there is a tremendous amount of brain work that goes into being waitstaff, right? You are maintaining, you know, however many tables and their various needs. You are the buffer between the front of the house and the kitchen. And that is, and the chef and the people in the kitchen making the food. You've got to keep a lot of things straight. people in the kitchen making the food.

You've got to keep a lot of things straight. And the pacing of drinks order, then mains and appetizers, then dessert, or I should say appetizers and mains and dessert is there for a reason. So that, you know, the, the,

the person doing the waiting, the waitron can pace out their night properly. And when you add chaos into that equation by suddenly ordering from the back of the menu forward for reasons that, you know, this is one where I kind of wish we had Loan here to explain what his reasoning is, but it wouldn't be a good case to hear in the court

because he would just have some insane thing that he would say. And then we would just hang up on him. But adding chaos to the equation is adding stress to a person who is already really stressed out. And I think that it's inconsiderate to make your waiter or waitress guess as to when you want the food brought out and to ordering dessert before you even order your appetizer or whatever. So I think it's, I think it's an issue of sheer consideration and I don't know what it is. Laon is an interesting name. Apparently it comes from the Breton region of France and it's a archaic french word for light and maybe in brittany this is how they do things but uh in the rest of the world it's not and and it's important to live in the world

as it is not in the weird uh order from the back of the menu alternate reality of your head making here's something from derek i recently went to an outdoor movie screening of airplane with my girlfriend uh some internal punctuation on that one because he left the exclamation mark after airplane i'm i'm impressed not just by not just by his punctuation but his choice of outdoor screening films indeed i watched you know i watched airplane maybe a year ago. Holds up. Yeah, it holds up exceptionally well. It is hilarious. Yeah, I spent, I got accidentally onto a YouTube whole of scenes from that movie.

And I was like, I'm just going to watch the movie again. And I did. Yeah, I mean. And it was amazing. Amazingly funny. The genre, A Thousand Stupid Jokes, turns out to be remarkably durable because you only lose like 10% of the jokes

due to lost timeliness. Right, exactly. I think we were just talking about this one of the weeks when you were away because that was the week I saw the airplane. But what was the guy? Johnny is like, Johnny, what can you make of this? He shows him a printout, a piece of paper,

and Johnny goes, well, I can make a airplane or a little hat that's so much that's a that's a funny verbal gag but at one point you know i can't i can't even someone someone will be yelling at the at the uh at the internet fake internet radio as i say this but i don't remember the lead up to this, but it's one of the dudes in the flight control center saying that, you know, the plane is, what is it? Something's getting hotter or something's getting whatever. You know what I mean? And then Johnny just jumps in and grabs him and goes, and Leon's getting larger.

I love him so much. I actually, I also watched Police Squad, which is out on DVD recently. And that also holds up exceptionally. That is hilarious. That is a hilarious show. Like, it is amazing that they were able to make that much of that funny. Okay, anyway. Oh, totally.

But wait, we ought to give Johnny his due. He was played by Stephen Stucker, a very funny man who unfortunately passed away at a young age of AIDS. But in any case, let's go back to the question. So Derek went to see Airplane with his girlfriend and outdoor screening. When the movie ended, the audience all clapped before getting up and leaving. I've also been a part of the same phenomenon in theaters, and it's always annoyed me. I feel that the point of applauding is to show appreciation to the performers which obviously doesn't make sense in a typical movie setting as the actors are not present. My girlfriend finds nothing strange about it and joins in though at this point she does so mostly as a joke. Am I wrong to find it weird that groups of people will clap at a large projection on a screen oh what fun it must be to be young and in love with so much time on your hands that you

to explain to your beloved what she's wrong about to be to have so much time on your hands not just to see movies outdoors but also to establish elaborate applause theories this i wish i i wish i were you young man before derrick uh before i rule on derrick jesse do you have a guess as to which way i'm going to rule uh my guess is uh that you will rule that uh you should just do as you are moved to do i have to say it kind of annoys me too when people applaud yeah i think in movie theaters i think it's interesting that he brought up the the example of the outdoor screening of airplane right i think to some extent applauding it in an outdoor screening of airplane uh is not so much a celebration of the performers on the screen as a celebration of the event

and everyone not having participated in it and that it's a special thing and people put it on and um you know that kind of thing in a movie theater this is something that happens almost always here in los angeles because everyone everyone also stays for the credits to see the person that they know's name and uh or to memorize them because they're a movie nerd. And then everyone applauds, uh, because they know one person that was a, a best boy on the production.

Um, and it's, um, I don't know. I mean, I feel very differently if it's a film festival or something and it's a special thing, but.

Well, so, so you did guess my verdict, but you disagree with it proactively and and here's what i will say to defend my verdict your distaste and i think it might be derrick's as well is that you get the whiff that the people having no actors in front of them to applaud are instead applauding themselves and their good taste or the fact that they know the the key grip or whatever and to some extent in fact perhaps to all extent you are correct but that said you don't know what's going on in the hearts and minds of every person around you

in the movie theater or in an outdoor screening of airplane. And it may just be a spontaneous moment of excitement and enjoyment and appreciation. Things happen in groups of people when they get together to witness something, whether it's a live event or a pre-recorded event like a movie. Things happen, weird things happen among groups that spread from one to the other. A moment of excitement might elicit a burst of applause that then carries over, and everyone suddenly realizes, yeah, I'm excited about this too. One of the greatest moments in my life of going to movies was going to see the movie Independence Day. Not because the movie was that great or that terrible.

I mean, it was all right. But I went to see it on opening day at the Ziegfeld Theater, the massive, beautiful old movie house in Midtown Manhattan on July 4th. And before the movie even began, and there was certainly nothing to applaud yet, way in the back, I just, we all started, I was sitting way in the front, way in the back of this block-long movie theater,

someone started singing the Star Spangled Banner. And it was, it was one, and you could just hear it as people picked it up. And as people picked it up, it just moved its way down the audience. The Star Spangled Banner was coming for me. And I heard it wave down the audience. And then we were all singing the Star Spangled Banner on Independence Day, before Independence Day.

A weird joke moment that culminated in someone yelling out, play ball at the end. And it was one of the most magical moments I've had in a room with hundreds of strangers. This is the fun part about going out to an event, uh, instead of watching, going out to the movies rather than instead of watching them at home where you're just like a sad,

lonely man going, that's not fun at all. You know? So, uh, you know, it's just applauding at the end of a, uh,

of a movie, of course, so, you know, it's just applauding at the end of a movie, of course, is is something that happens with varying varying levels of self-absorption, depending on where and when you see it. But it is not inappropriate at all. It's an expression. It's an expression of one's appreciation of something. You don't have poor Stephen Stucker there to receive the applause as much as he deserves it for various tragic reasons. It's still worth it. That guy deserves a round of applause. It's weird because no one is there from the cast to hear you laughing at Airplane. But Derek, would you ever ask the audience not to laugh because there there are no actors there to hear it of course not you're not here to hear me talking to you right now but i'm i'm laughing in your face right now i think i might have applauded

at the end of mad max that he's a new mad Mad Max. Yeah. Because I was just like, holy moly, I just watched that. Yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm applauding it right now. Oh, that thing was amazing.

They made a good movie. Okay, here's something from, from the director of Babe, Babe, Pig in the City, uh,

is how they should have marketed, but did not market that. Okay, here's something from KJ. This dispute is with a friend I know through a popular mobile game. The nature of the dispute is as follows. I have been playing

the game, which is a thing, for almost a decade. My friend will not accept that the game is real or that she is now playing the game, even though I've made her aware of its existence. I would like you to order her to accept her status as a player of the game even though I've made her aware of its existence I would like you to order her to accept

her status as a player of the game and to abide by its rules from this point onward so I had never heard of the game and what this person is doing is specifically playing the game by putting it into the minds of you and me and all of our listeners. I should explain what the game is. Just to summarize, wealthy San Francisco financier Nicholas Van Orton gets a strange birthday present from wayward brother Conrad, a live action game that consumes his life. No, no, that's not true. Is that not correct?

No, that is the movie, The Game, directed by David Fincher, which is a great movie, actually. I loved that movie. The game is not a mobile game either. who had spent half of his day watching airplane on a lawn and then worked out his applause shaming theory and then realized he still had no meaningful human connections or responsibilities. So he still had the whole afternoon to come up with something dumb to waste his and everyone else's in the world's time. Here is what it is from the Wikipedia page.

And I'm sorry, everyone. There are three rules to the game. Everyone in the world's time. Here is what it is from the Wikipedia page, and I'm sorry, everyone. There are three rules to the game. Everyone in the world is playing it, whether they know it or not. The game does not require consent to play, and you can never stop playing it. The game consists entirely of this. Whenever you think about the game, you lose.

And when you think about the game and lose the game, you have to acknowledge it by saying, I just lost the game. And then this goes on for the rest of your life. Anytime you think about the thing you're not supposed to be thinking about, you've lost and you're supposed to say, I just lost the game, presumably in front of someone else who is also aware of the game. And then they'll think of the game and it'll cause a chain reaction.

So you guys understand how dumb this is, right? This may be the dumbest thing that's been invented on a college campus that does not involve drinking or hazing. I have infuriated that this has even been brought to my attention because not only, right, is this person wrong in his assertion that this poor friend, soon toto-be ex-friend of his, is being compelled to think about this dumb mind game, whether or not his friend likes it or not, which is basically an invasion of human rights. But also the secret agenda that I think KJ has

is to make me and you, Jesse, and all of our listeners aware of it so that now he can go say, yeah, they're all playing the game and they have no choice about it. I'm a grown man. You know, I have children. I've got many jobs. I don't have time to spend on this thing anymore. I will not order your friend to accept her status as a player of the game because she's a human being. He gets to choose how she spends what precious time and brain matter she has in this world. And the fact is, the game is not a game, but a different kind of hazing because a game cannot be played unless it is entered into willingly. cannot be played unless it is entered into willingly. And the only game that is not entered into willingly by one party is a little game called the most dangerous game,

which you will remember from your seventh grade English class is one man hunting another man against his will. KJ, you're a weird predator. I order this game over. Wow. Just dropped it on him. Yeah, that's right. You know what? I just lost game over. Wow. Just dropped it on him. Yeah, that's right.

You know what? He just lost the game. I'm going to suggest that he, instead of playing the game, he play the most dangerous game. No, don't. Don't. Don't. Don't play the most dangerous game. Don't hunt man for sport.

Don't hunt man for sport. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant

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Here's something from Mitchell. My wife and I cannot agree on how to split our suitcase packing space. I believe we should each have 50% of the suitcase. She believes that she's entitled to pack her dirty shoes, personal effects, and doodads all around the crevasses in my part of the suitcase. I purposely do not overpack my side of the suitcases. I believe it causes my clothes to be wrinkled. She thinks that if there's any free space, she should be entitled to it.

I've also caught her red-handed trying to sneak things into my part of the bag. I seek an injunction barring her from stealthily overpacking my side of the suitcase. Did he catch her red-handed trying to sneak her fake blood into his side of the bag? Yes, presumably so. Or his freshly cut strawberries? Yeah, exactly. There we go. That's a little more plausible. Or recently cooked beets? This one is a great one because there there is a puzzle yeah and the puzzle do

you know what the puzzle is why do two people have one bag yes thank you this is the mystery are they trying to game like a luggage checking system at the airport i guess you know look maybe maybe they're not uh delta sky miles platinum medallion members like me and therefore have to pay for their second or maybe even first checked bag and they're trying to save 20 by the way even though i'm a loyal delta customer and yeah i'm buzz marketing it they've been good to me this year. I'm platinum medallion. I get, I get a free soda in the sky club, unlimited refills. Also, I get to hurdle across the continent in a fart tube, but pretty, pretty amazing thing that they provide.

But one thing I will say is that charging money for checking bags is the worst policy to have been invented in the past 25 years of airlining. If anything, you should be charging money to bring a bag on. We've discussed this many years ago. But the fact is the incentive should be to stop people from being weirdly paranoid and check their bags, at least on flights that are direct. If you're making a connection and you can cram it all into an overhead compartment, then that's a more reasonable thing to do because you might lose your bag there. But it's almost impossible. And even if you do lose your bag, it works out. Everything will be fine.

They'll get it to you eventually. So I'm a big vocal proponent of bag checking and there should be no disincentive to bag checking because what you then get is a bunch of people who are are trying to trick themselves and reality into believing that their huge bag is going to fit into an overhead compartment and they're all line up on that plane, clogging up the center aisle. And they can't get it above, or they've already been filled up by the sociopaths who get there first. And then they have to check their bags anyway.

And everyone gets slowed down. So there. But I can't figure out what Mitchell and his wife are doing here. Why are they splitting that bag? Let's say, for example, they're not trying to save the $20. They could, they're each entitled. Let's say they're trying to carry it on. They can each entitled to a single carry on. I don't get it. My advice is get your own suitcases, weirdos. You and I just picture you guys sitting on the same side of the booth together with your weird one suitcase between you. You guys have to be so close all the time?

No, get your own suitcases, Mitchell, and then you don't have to worry about your wife sneaking her blood-red hands into your stuff. That'll show her. But if there is some reason that you are doing this that escapes me at the moment, and that it does conform to rationality, then I apologize.

And I will then rule and say, yeah, if you split up the suitcase, it's got to be 50-50. You have to have the space to pack the way you want to pack, and there should be no incursions over that bright demarcation line. Mitchell's wife, keep your strawberries to yourself. I mean, it's going to incurs anyway. There's no way to prevent the incursions unless it's a unless it's like a uh uh two suitcases attached in the middle with glue you could put

in some cardboard i mean you're already crazy so why not that's a good point why not put in a cardboard divider i seriously i just took a six hour flight with two children under five last week. Two of them. And you had one in one half of the suitcase and the other in the other half of the suitcase. Yeah. And actually, I just put a thin layer of plastic. They knew it wasn't a toy because it says it's not a toy on there between them to keep them from wrinkling.

Yeah. Here's something from Matt. I would like you to order my wife to wear a helmet when she rides on one of our city's shared bicycles. She often rides on one of these bikes to work in the congested streets of Washington, D.C. without a helmet.

It's incredibly upsetting to me for reasons that I hope are obvious to you, e.g. head smashing. Yeah. Please help me. I like that it's e.g. head smashing because it could be arm smashing. that's only it could be arm smashing there it's only one example of a list of possible reasons why it would be there are a lot

of smashes i mean it could be head impaling her that's true please help me ensure the safety of my wife and my own sanity well bicycling in the city is a dangerous thing bicycling anywhere is a dangerous thing because you're going way faster than human beings were designed to go that's right it's it's not only is it dangerous but it's ungodly your heathen apostate wife to stop and slow it down i used to bicycle all the time all around uh the brookline in boston massachusetts and and so on it was a great way to to to get around when you were in late high school and maybe it had a beer and now had a backpack full of science fiction videos that you're going to bike home from the video store to watch by yourself classic high school stuff yeah you know it was and here, here's what it was.

I'd read, I, you know, I used to work at the Coolidge corner, a movie theater in Coolidge corner, Brooklyn, Massachusetts. Great, great, great movie theater. And, uh, and across the street was the video Smith and I would go over there and get my videos for the night and then work until midnight. And then I would have a beer with the projectionist and then I would get on my bike. And then I just remember one summer evening riding my bike down beacon street and knowing that in the in my backpack i had a vhs

copy of soylent green and i was gonna watch it and i was just that like i feel many ways i've been chasing that dragon for the rest of my life that perfect happiness before i had even seen soylent green well you know judge heisman i have my own analog to that which is uh when lost weekend video opened on valencia street in san francisco while i was deeply ambivalent about it for uh gentrification related reasons uh they had uh bootleg vhs copies of uh chris morris television shows from the uk specifically brass eye brass eye in the day-to-day and um that's all i lived for absolutely all i lived for are they still are is brass eye available now well you can actually buy and you should buy. Like I cannot recommend any cultural product more highly than Brass Eye. If you go to amazon.co.uk, you can buy Brass Eye. It's cheap. It's like 12 bucks or something. And the DVD is region free. So it will play in any DVD player.

Brass Eye, in case you don't know, was and is a incredible parody of a news magazine program. Yeah, like a 2020, or like a hard copy. By Chris Morris. And he only put out a couple of them. And then one of them was very controversial. I'll let you figure out which. And it was a mix of phony reportage and then actual interviews with unsuspecting people about made up news stories. And one of them was the made up news story was the scourge of this new drug that was flooding into nightclubs across the UK.

And the drug was called Cake. And it was in the form of the pill about the size of a small ham and chris morris would hand this phony pill to various celebrities in british culture at the time and and and pretend to be a real newsman say what do you think about this terrible thing and they're like yeah i've heard i've heard about this it was this amazing moment of auto suggestion they're like yeah we have to do something about this. And they actually got, that cake episode, they got something,

they got a bill introduced to Parliament condemning cake in real life. If you've ever read The Areas of My Expertise by John Hodgman, then please don't see Brass Eye because you're going to know where I stole it all from. It's amazing. What were we talking about?

Oh, sorry. Yeah, so Brass Eye is available on a region-free DVD. It couldn't be more wonderful. And Mr. Morris also directed a really brilliant movie called Four Lions, which I would recommend to people as well. I'll take that recommendation. I don't know why I missed it,

but I remember when it came out and I will see it. You can get that on DVD. It's a great, it's a really excellent film. And he's also directed a lot of episodes of Veep because Armando Iannucci,

who created The Day Today or helped create The Day Today and worked on Brass Eye as well, I think, is the creator of Veep and the brilliant British predecessors to Veep. So there you go. Bob's your own bro.

I remember riding my bike down Valencia Street to Lost Weekend Video, which still exists and is now a comedy venue in San Francisco as well as a video store. And they had those Brass Eye VHSs and a couple of guys who were completely disinterested in their customers uh watching the giants game which they still have speaking of they still they still

have uh they still have giants baseball in san francisco uh yeah only barely uh there uh there are a few there are a few funded startups that are trying to disrupt giants baseball um but yeah you got you got me into a conversation about sports there but that's enough of that i will take your recommendation of four lines i will take your recommend your life-saving cultural recommendation do you know why why is that because because i realize that if i don't watch four lions um my head's gonna get smashed in yeah no truly look you know it's not as bad as all of the people that I see driving or motorcycling around in Connecticut and Maine,

where there are no helmet laws without helmets. That's, that's monstrously arrogant, uh, and, and delusional to think that you are so immortal that you're not going to get knocked off your bike ever in your life. And the truth is that I will not, I would never, ever, ever, ever again. Well, I won't bike in New York city or for that matter, Washington DC at all. I mean, it's far, it's far more congested

and people get really, really banged up on, on bicycles and major metropolitan and areas. And while I applaud the bike sharing program, and I wish we all could be riding bikes some more, I shake my non-helmeted head in complete concern and confusion as to why someone wouldn't take what is obviously the most basic and reasonable precaution one can take. The helmets are very light. You can carry them with you. You can clip them to your bag. And when you get on one of those share bikes, just put it on. I mean, I do so order it, even though

it is not the law in DC. I did look it up. You don't have to protect your life. But if you have other humans in your life who are relying on you or who love you, as Matt seems to do, I think it's profoundly selfish to not wear a helmet. The thing I think about wearing a helmet that people seem to lose track of is that there are many, many, many things that could lead you to hit your head on something while you're on a bicycle that aren't even about you not being good at riding a bicycle. There's 10,000 both acts of God and acts of foolishness on the part of other people that simply lead to you falling off your bike. And because of the speed that a bike goes, which is 15, 20 miles an hour, you can die 20 miles an hour, you can die immediately. Like I, you know, people die. And if you wear a helmet, you cut down your incidence of mortality dramatically.

I would say, you know, it's one fun thing. You know, Max Funster in Denmark. I wasn't I was in Denmark recently and didn't get to go meet them because they didn't live in Copenhagen. They lived too far outside. But Max Funster wrote to me, his wife invented, have you seen this airbag helmet? It's sort of like a scarf. It's sort of a scarf that you wear around your neck. And in the incidence of an accident, it blows up like an airbag and protects your head. Oh, wow. accident, it blows up like an airbag and protects your head. So if you're worried about messing up your hair or not looking cool, get one of those. Judge Hodgman, you and I have a speaking engagement coming up. We do. We are going to be appearing at the Green Space. Is that true? Yeah, the Green Space in Manhattan, New York City at WNYC. I'm going to do my talk, Make Your Thing, which is about making independent media. And then at its conclusion, after I have taught everyone everything they need to know, you will be leading a Q&A where we will teach everyone more than they needed to know. You and I will have a conversation and then we'll open the floors to some Qs and we'll offer some As.

And the green space, of course, is a wonderful theater and performance space. And on the first floor of the great WNYC-FM, our flagship public radio station here in New York City, to which I am a proud donor. And it'll be a very fun night. And what is the date for that? That is on Friday, November 20th. And the night before in Brooklyn uh i am going to be doing

a bullseye live as part of our world tour of several american cities uh the brooklyn show is the great tovey gevinson the brilliant magazine editor oh tovey is fantastic uh child genius turned adult genius um uh the brilliant comedian aparna Charla, who's one of the funniest people around, uh, the legendary rapper, maybe might literally be my favorite rapper of all time, Farrell Monch. And we've got shows coming up in Los Angeles,

Boston, uh, Philadelphia and Washington, DC. Among the guests on those shows, William H. Macy, uh,

Joel Hodgson, uh, Barney Frank, Congressman Barney Frank, former Congressman Barney Frank, Mission of Burma, Dan Deacon, Ray Suarez, Hari Kondabolu, all kinds of amazing stuff. So if you're in L.A., Boston, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Philadelphia, or Washington, D.C., I hope we will see you at the live bullseye shows. All of the information and ticket links is at bullseye tour.com and the tickets are selling fast. So please grab your tickets now.

It is going to really be a blast and I will, you know, I'll hang around and say hello and take a picture with you. No matter what judge Hodgman says, you know, I've gotten most of my mandatory life-saving cultural recommendations from Jesse and from bullseye. And obviously I'm going to go there and buy some tickets to all those shows,

and I'm just going to buy them all. You're just going to follow me on tour like I was the Grateful Dead? That's right. Selling unlicensed merchandise in the parking lot? I'm going to be selling bootlegs of Brass Eye and Old Sound of Young America tapes. Cool. legs of brass high and old sound of young america tapes cool that time that time that dustin diamond from saved by the bell came on the sound of young america and just told uh lousy street jokes about disabled people like oh i guess he's a monster and then he'd stab someone later yeah it turned

out he was turned out you get you get early warnings about which entertainers are monsters by by listening to the bleeding edge interviews of culture and comedy and music. That is bullseye. You guys already know this, but why don't you come out and see the shows and presume all the information is also at the website. All that is at bullseye tour dot com bullseye tour dot com. I have concluded my touring shows, so I have nothing to say about that. Instead, I will make a life-saving cultural recommendation to

all of you. If you do not know already, please do know that on the Esquire television network will premiere season two of Going Deep with David Reese. Now, we all know David Reese. he's one of the great and profound thinking comedian slash artisanal pencil sharpeners of all time perhaps you saw

season one of going deep when it was on the national geographic channel this is a how-to show that teaches you how to do things you think you already know how to do them such as tie your shoes or take a nap or pet a dog and or dig a hole and david talks to experts in all of these fields pole digging dog petting nap taking i think i'm the expert for the nap taking actually i am and uh and he it's just one of the most if you liked those segments of mr. Rogers when Mr. Rogers would visit an American factory that made crayons, then you will love David Reese in Going Deep with David Reese Season 2. You can go back to Amazon Instant Video, I think, and watch old episodes, maybe still on Hulu. You can buy the DVD of the first season. You can buy the DVD of the first season, but why go through all that trouble when there are brand new episodes premiering November 11th on the Esquire channel?

Check your internet to find out where the Esquire channel is on your cable package. Please, please give this show a try. It's really, really amazing, and I think you'll enjoy it. It's my favorite nonfiction television program other than the Antiques Roadshow. And I think you'll enjoy it. It's my favorite nonfiction television program other than the Antiques Roadshow. And it would be unreasonable for me to be asked to prefer something to the Antiques Roadshow. But it is as good as it gets. It's so fun and funny and informative. Like David Reese is someone I really like and admire.

And, you know, I'm not pals with him like you, but I'm friendly with him. And it far exceeded my expectations. I was like oh man this show is great do you do you watch it with your kids at all uh we're getting up there well i think by the time they're eight i think that'll be prime seven or eight they'll be prime it's hilarious it's like genuinely it's like genuinely informative it's so great oh judge hodgman before we go yeah just to just to uh as a like a little treat for everyone who's sat through all of our plugs just now i love a little treat you know i don't think i've gotten

i don't think i've gotten more positive feedback from anything i've ever done on judge john hodgman than when i told that street joke recently and um i have a i have another joke for people oh here's one yeah this is another like full-on joke book book joke that I can't take any credit for authorship of. But the king and the royal vizier, I mean, you know a royal vizier, Judge Hodgman. It's like an advisor. Okay. A sidekick. Sure.

They're out in the forest, and they're hunting for moose. It's one of the king's favorite things to do. And they haven't bagged for moose. It's one of the king's favorite things to do. And they haven't bagged any moose. Finally, they come to this clearing. And there's a naked man standing in the middle of the clearing. And the king swings his moose gun up and points it at the naked man. And the naked man screams and raises his hands up in the air and says, Your Majesty, don't shoot me.

I'm not a moose. And the king, pow, shoots him dead right there. And the royal vizier looks up at the king and he says, Your Majesty, why did you shoot that man? He said he wasn't a moose. And the king says, Oh, geez. I thought he said he was a moose and the king says oh geez i thought he said he was a moose i hope i hope right thinking people around the world who are listening to this podcast now

at their outdoor amphitheater podcast party are now applauding their fake radios. The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is produced by Julia Smith, edited by Mark McConville. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. JJHO.

Hashtag it on Twitter, hashtag JJHO so we see what you have to say about the show. And talk about it on Facebook and on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com, the world's friendliest Reddit community. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. Bravo! MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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