Judge John Hodgman - A Quashed Plot Never Spoils

Episode Date: June 20, 2012

BE WARNED: If you're sensitive to spoilers, be ready to turn down the volume! Andrew and Adam are roommates and avid media consumers. Andrew badgered Adam to start watching one of his own favorite shows, and Adam eventually gave in. However, Adam says an off-hand comment from Andrew -- spoiler alert! -- ruined one of the character's story arcs for his friend. Should Andrew be held responsible for ruining his friend's viewing experience?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, a quashed plot never spoils. Andrew and Adam are roommates and avid media consumers. Andrew badgered Adam to start watching one of his favorite shows, and Adam eventually gave in. However, Adam says that an offhand comment from Andrew, spoiler alert, ruined one of the character's story arcs for his friend. Should Andrew be held responsible for ruining his friend's viewing experience? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom.

Do you know that you have rights? The Constitution says you do. And so do I. I believe that until proven guilty, every man, woman and child in this country is innocent. And that's why I fight for you, Albuquerque. Jesse, swear I'm in. Please rise, Andrew and Adam and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. Absolutely. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that the only channel he watches is C-SPAN, and that's only to make sure that he's getting what he paid for? I do. Yes. Very well. Judge Sean Hodgman? All right, Andrew and Adam, for an immediate summary judgment.

Can you name the piece of culture I was just referencing before you were sworn in and the character who says it? Saul Goodman. Better call Saul commercial. This is the sound of a gavel. That's the first time. Wow. I knew that was coming. Who said that? That was Andy. That was the first time. Wow. I knew that was coming. Who said that?

That was Andy. That was Andy? I got it right. All right. Andrew. Well, is it Andy or Andrew, sir? Either one. What do you have on your Social Security card?

Andrew. Okay. And what are the numbers on your Social Security card? 396. Okay. Go on. Oh, really? You caught on? All right. Somebody told me not to trust you. Okay, go on. Oh, really? You caught on?

All right. Somebody told me not to trust you. Okay, Andrew, summary judgment immediately goes to you. How do you feel? Let me ask you a different question. What was your problem again? He seems to think that it's my fault if I reveal very public information regarding a TV show he hasn't seen. Okay, and the specific TV show is?

Breaking Bad. Whoa, whoa, whoa, spoiler alert. The fact that you're watching Breaking Bad already tells me a lot about where this is going. Okay, so what was the information that you revealed? Okay, so what was the information that you revealed? After he watched the first episode, the pilot, I informed him that Aaron Paul, the actor that plays Jesse, had won an Emmy for his work in the third season. And a well-deserved one, too, I dare say. Absolutely.

Because he won it alone for his death scene. Exactly, Nat. What? What? Oh, you mean he couldn't? Oh, I see. Oh, sorry. alone for his death scene. Exactly that. What? Oh, you mean he couldn't... Oh, I see. Oh, sorry. You mean you didn't want to know that he was murdered by meth demons? Well, that I saw coming. Okay, so you revealed that Aaron Paul won the Emmy

in the category of Best Supporting Actor. And I know he won it because I was there, gentlemen. Wow. I was at the Emmys. I And I know he won it because I was there, gentlemen. Wow. I was at the Emmys. I announced him when he won backstage in voiceover. That was the end of my little story

about my friend Aaron Paul. But he did deserve it. And Adam, you were mad that you had this information. Why? Well, I wouldn't say I was mad, but it's disappointing when you begin a new commitment to a television program and are immediately told something that completely eliminates a major stake for a major character. I believe that anything can happen at any time, especially in a great show,

which this has definitely proven to be despite the spoiler. But it has completely removed any sense of fear towards the possible demise of that character for the first three seasons, which was like 39 episodes or something. Now, I got to ask both of you very seriously, do either of you work directly or indirectly for AMC? Absolutely not. Is this another Facebook style buzz marketing scheme? No, but if they're hiring, I'd absolutely be. I'm available. And how sensitive to spoilers are you? What would you say, you were sorry that you did not have this information because it meant to you what? i'm sorry that i did have this information you mean you were complaining about something a few seconds ago remember

why were you complaining why what do you care that you know that he lived oh well um did you think to me did you think that the that the second lead in this show was going to be murdered before the third season? How did I know he was the second lead in the show? From the first pilot, from the first episode. Do you receive culture in unlabeled black boxes once a week? And otherwise you live in a sensory deprivation tank? Is that how you absorb culture? Well, the boxes are usually purple,

but the rest of that is absolutely true. Fantastic. Yes. Boy. But I don't know. I guess I just believe that you get the most out of any type of story when there's full emotional attachment. It is a story, though, you know.

What's that? It is a story. You know, these aren't real people. Oh. Okay. Well, that changes things a little bit, but I still stand by my testimony here. Are you saying the fact, so I'm going to spoil this for you now. Okay.

We are now in season 17 of Breaking Bad. Yeah. Now, what are we going into? Will it be season? It has to be season five coming up, right? That's correct. Okay. Oh, sorry.

I didn't mean to spoil it. There is a season five. Apparently you don't mind knowing that. Okay. No, I don't. And you first watched the pilot for Breaking Bad when? Maybe a month or two ago. Okay.

I started it. So the idea was to get completely caught up before this final season so I could watch it live. Right. And so do you feel that it is a reasonable expectation that no one would say anything to you about Breaking Bad, even though you are now watching it at a minimum four years after it debuted? Well, one thing I'd like to make clear is out of every person in my life who I've spoken to about the show or who has spoken to me about it, I have yet to receive a spoiler that has resonated like this.

Maybe because I live in the same building with Andrew and he happened to walk in the room as I'm being introduced to these characters and being told this character will survive three seasons. Get used to it. Do you guys do you guys live in this? When you say you live in the same building, you mean you live in the same laboratory building where one of you is one of you lives in a sensory deprivation tank and receives culture in a purple box. And the other one is a control where he actually engages with culture in other ways.

Right. I sleep in the tub and Andy sleeps with his TV. Sure. It's, it's your, it's your classic TV watcher and his precog friend. Exactly. Going to college and solving crimes.

Yeah. Uh, so, and did you reveal that he, you didn't reveal directly that he still lived, right? Andrew. Correct. I only said that he won the Emmy for season three. Right. So if I told you that David Constabile deserved an Emmy for his work in season four, what would you determine from that, Adam?

Well, first I'd ask you, who is that? Spoiler alert. I guess I'm not familiar with the actor name, but I'll probably be ashamed if I find out I've been watching him the whole time at this point. I'm ashamed because I mispronounced his name. It's David Costabile. I apologize.

Not Constabile. He is not, he is not an Italian constable. He is a fine actor who also appeared as Kristen Schaal's husband in flight of the Concords. Oh, and guess what? He's playing the same character.

Okay. Pretty much. Uh, do you, do you go to great pains to protect yourself from spoilers normally? No, not, I mean, okay. I know Andy would probably argue with me if I said no completely. I'm going to ask Andy then. Andy, what kind of precautions does he take? I'd say just in general, when there's a conversation about something he hasn't watched, but eventually

intends to. He'll ask that we either remove ourselves from his vicinity or he'll remove himself from ours or just ask us not to discuss it near him. So basically he puts the burden on us for the most part. So he will ask you to leave the room or will he leave the room? Typically he'll leave the room, but more often I'd say he just asks us not to discuss it. And how often does this come up? Relatively. For someone who's a big media consumer, he does not watch a lot of television shows.

And you guys live in the same building. Are you in a dorm or do you live in an apartment building or what? It's an apartment. What's your station in life? Very low, but we do have a two-bedroom apartment, and I have a separate TV in my bedroom because it would drive him nuts if he had to watch all the stuff that I do. Oh, you are roommates? Mm-hmm. Okay, and where do you live? Los Angeles. Los Angeles. Okay, and what do you do with your lives? Andy? I am an aspiring writer, but my day job is I work for a corporate headhunter.

Okay, fantastic. And Andrew? No, you. I just spoke to Andy. Excuse me, Adam. Yes. First of all, we need to give you a better name. Yeah, I've been telling my parents that for years. I can't tell you guys apart. So Andy, you're going to stay Andy. Yes. And let's see. Adam, you're going to be what's the name of Aaron Paul's? Oh, Skinny Joe. You'll be Skinny Joe. Skinny Pete. Skinny Pete. Sorry. Thank you. Whoa, whoa. Skinny Pete. No, no. Sorry.

Sorry. There's another character named Skinny Joe who hasn't shown up yet. I'm sorry. It's Skinny Pete's brother. Come on, Your Honor. Yeah. Well, Skinny, because it was like Skinny Pete, that actor got a different job. So it turns out. Well, everybody on that show is in very good shape. So I can see how you confused them all.

All right. You're Skinny Pete. Skinny Pete, what is it you aspire to be in your life? And what is it you actually do? Skinny Pete, what is it you aspire to be in your life and what is it you actually do? Well, by day I manage a outdoor kitchen and barbecue store in Studio City. And by night I dabble in sleeping and I write as well. Okay.

But is it your life's dream to manage the barbecue store, to write or to sleep? Which one is the one that has the most of your heart? It's my life's dream to never have pop culture affect me again. Enjoy working at a barbecue store for the rest of your life. Okay. I keep the doors locked, so it really helps. What do you mean it's your dream to not have pop culture affect your life? You sound like a man who has endured some trauma. I've lived a very difficult life since moving in with Andy. Why? Tell me. I've lived a very difficult life since moving in with Andy.

Why? Tell me. Well, Andy is the type of fellow who very much enjoys overconsumption of information, and which sometimes I speculate for the purpose of sharing with others when he has the opportunity. And I feel like that directly relates to the issue we've presented to you today. I believe a part of him does realize that he spoiled three seasons of this show for me in a small aspect. He didn't spoil the entire show, but he spoiled something. Only three out of four existing seasons. Yeah, only three out of four did I sit there going, all right, well, he's going to be fine. All right, well, Tuco's got a gun to his head.

He's fine. Well, this is going to happen. He's fine. You know, I've had to get past that. And I do believe Andrew has a good heart. And he does not like to see me suffer like that. But you're saying that he is, by nature, a spoiler? That he is absorbing all this pop culture in order to spoil pop culture for you?

No, not for me. all this pop culture in order to spoil pop culture for you? No, not for me. Would you say that he takes pleasure out of spoiling pop culture for you and other people? I would definitely say he takes pleasure in sharing information that people did not previously have, whether that's me, whether it's regarding a television show, whether it's, you know, anything he has read or seen, whatever that may be. He, he, he, it's in his nature to share things, information. He wants to teach judge. He wants people to know things because of him. Is that true, Andy?

Do you want to teach by spoiling pop culture or do you want to be a spoiler dick and just, and just bully people with your knowledge of stuff that you have time to watch and they don't have time to watch because they're selling barbecues? I admit that part of it is probably a certain feeling of superiority I get when I've seen something that I think is fantastic and I can share that with people. I don't know that I'd say I go out of my way to spoil things. I'd say the closest I come as far as that goes is when I maybe overstate how great something is. By revealing, for example, that certain actors have received prestigious Emmy Awards for it. In fact, I think the reason I mentioned that was because Adam seemed underwhelmed after seeing the pilot. And I believe he already knew that Bryan Cranston had won several awards for his performance.

And so I felt the need to share wealth. Jesse also becomes quite the performance. An Emmy-winning performer. Emmy-winning caliber. Precisely. Adam, I mean, Skinny Pete. Skinny Pete, yes. Can you give any other examples in which Andy has spoiled a piece of pop culture for you or for someone else, whether it is out of a desire to teach or whether it is a desire to simply be a pop culture bully? Well, I mean, I feel like it's, I mean, not that it's a spoiler because I thank him for this, but he did say this is a fantastic show and I need to watch it.

But that robbed you of the enjoyment of realizing that it is a fantastic show. Well, in by by by earning my commitment to this fantastic show, he also shoehorned himself into ruining it on some level for me at least for the first three out of five seasons so i i feel like he kind of did it to get me there and then immediately turn the table but i just want to get a sense of whether you feel that this is an ongoing behavioral problem with andy that needs to stop in general or whether you have a specific beef with him over this one incident? Was this an isolated incident? No, I mean, I'd say it's recurring on a small level. I mean, he just generally likes to share information that he has, whatever that may be.

I guess I don't have a great example prepared. But I did suggest recently that I was interested in watching The Sixth Sense, and he told me Bruce Willis starred in it. And boy, when I watched it, it ruined the whole 100 minutes. Because he told you that Bruce Willis starred in it? Yes. Well, I heard Shyamalan had great twists in his movies. I believe he's being flip, Your Honor. Oh, please don't be flipping this court, because I was going to so enjoy getting really upset. All right.

My flipness is redacted. I guess I want to know whether this is a pervasive major character flaw like a Gus Fring of character flaws or whether it is a small essential but recurring character flaw like a Gail Bedecker of character flaws. I mean, I would say it's a it's a you understand what i'm saying let me explain i think so i think no i think i know what you're saying but i would put him more as a walter jr flaw where i mean he's necessary and he eats lots of breakfast but i feel he he's got to eat breakfast to survive to get to the next scene where he can eat more breakfast. So I feel like he fits more into that category. Wow. You just made that actor feel really bad. He's a great actor too. I think he's fantastic. I've never seen somebody lift a spoon with such precision. You will be amazed and shocked when he is gutted with his own cereal spoon

at the end of season four. Do you really feel that you can't enjoy this thing now? No, I don't feel that way at all. I'm definitely enjoying it, but I will say, uh, I'm, I'm currently in the middle of season four. Um, so I'm almost completely caught up. I've enjoyed all of it, but I would say ironically in the third season where the Emmy nods had been apparently given, that's where I kind of got burnt out in the show. I think a little bit I was a little exhausted emotionally from watching things that should have driven me emotionally. But I was actually pulled a different way by going, OK, well, he'll be fine. This is all just visual candy in a lot of ways for at least for that

character so um but this is a situation where what was revealed to you was merely that he had won an award which could literally be the award for his death scene right second second of all it was an award for a particular season so you knew that you had to live that far that does not remove risk from the character second Second of all, this is literally the definition of public knowledge, right? This is not the fact that Bruce Willis is a ghost and, and also, and also as a penis in the crying game.

Do you know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean. This is a situation. This is a situation where it was a newsworthy, I know exactly what you mean. This is a situation where it was a newsworthy, widely reported item that this person had won an Emmy. Okay. So I guess the question I have for you is, if someone speaking about a piece of public knowledge is not acceptable to you, is not acceptable to you.

Particularly a piece of public knowledge, you know, once you have started watching the show years after it debuted. Don't you think the burden should be on you to protect yourself from your intense sensitivity of spoilers rather than ask the world to bend around you? I have asked Andrew to move out on several occasions, but he refuses. Well, now, wait a minute.

My name's on the lease, too. Is it true that you've asked him to move out, or are you just having a fun? I'm just having a good time. Yeah, I love the guy to death, and I couldn't imagine living with anybody else. Given that I cannot, due to laws in most states, come to your home and perform an operation to remove

this knowledge from your brain, even though I invested in all of the equipment and it was very expensive, given that I cannot do this, what can I do going forward that would offer you justice if I were to find in your favor? Skinny Pete. Well, thank you for asking. Yes, I guess I would ask that you demand my friend Andrew to be a little more careful with his choice of words because he wants myself or whoever else may suffer from his knowledge to enjoy whatever it is he is recommending. Now, specifically, he can't talk about public information, like who won awards for a certain thing? Well, there's a difference between something being publicly available

and me seeking it out and then having it happen to me. Right. I did not seek that out. Obviously, I'm interested, but I like the journey of the show, which obviously you're absolutely right. I waited a few years to actually begin it. But now that I'm here and, you know, Andrew had recommended the program to me, I I guess I would expect more from somebody who would like me to get the same type of enjoyment out of the program as he would. Now, I did not go out and seek any of this information.

You're absolutely right. It's out there. But also, you know, there's lots of other information out there that I could have gotten. I could go on any message board and talk about what happened in the final episode of season four or ask what happened and everybody would be willing to tell me. Everybody would be happy to discuss their feelings on the subject. Me, I did not seek that out. All I searched for here was a good television program to enjoy, which Andrew recommended and immediately fed me unnecessary information to get maximum enjoyment. No reasonable person in the world will argue with you that you have been horribly, horribly wronged.

My question to you is, if I were to find in your favor, what specific injunction would you want me to place on your friend in order to prevent this horrible tragedy from happening again what for example to you constitutes fair and reasonable spoiler-free uh statute of limitations like how long after a show airs does well would specifically uh your roommate and by extension the world should watch what they say about a thing before they can reveal

even the most banal details about a thing. Well, I don't think it's so much as a time frame as just how you present. For example, if I say the sled was Rosebud, is that wrong? Is that in season four?

You know what I'm talking about. no but you know do you know you know what i'm talking about yes i i know what you're talking about um if i say the sled and you're absolutely right that's there there's i mean that's a little different i mean here's here's what i want you to do here's what i want you to do so i can get a sense okay i'm gonna i'm gonna say some spoilers you tell me whether it's fair or foul. Okay. And I want you to appreciate that if I say these spoilers, right, I don't care whether I'm spoiling it for you. I'm just

trying to get a sense of, well, what the nature of the spoiler is that you find to be foul, and what the time frame is. In other words, if we agree that it's fair enough to say his sled was Rosebud, is that fair or foul would you say everyone's had time to see that movie at this point it's become a part of popular culture to

refer to that sled you're absolutely correct and indeed to reveal that spoiler right okay that is fair right so that's like that is is fair. Okay. Now, do we agree that revealing that what's-his-name in The Crying Game was a man and not a woman? Fair. Bruce Willis is a ghost. Fair.

Village is a bad movie. Fair. I actually don't like it. I don't hate that movie. Actually, it's a a bad movie. Uh, fair. I actually don't like, I don't hate that movie. Actually. It's pretty good. Uh, okay. Uh, what about, um, half the last season of lost? They're all dead.

Um, uh, okay. I'll, I guess I'll say fair. Cause that, that show is completely open to interpretation. I still believe. And it's finished. The whole show is done. But it's not open to interpretation, I still believe, and it's finished. The whole show is done. But it's not open to interpretation, what I just said. It is fair.

Half of that last season is told from the point of view of them in an afterlife or a limbo. It's fair. That's fair, okay. So basically he's saying everything is fair as long as he's already been spoiled. I've never seen The Village, and I'm happy to hear that you say it's terrible. It's not terrible. Now I will avoid it. It's not terrible.

Tell me some other movies you haven't seen. That I have not seen. That might be on your list. Game of Thrones. Eh? We have HBO, and he refuses to watch Game of Thrones. It's interesting because I feel like spo. Game of Thrones. Eh? We have HBO and he refuses to watch Game of Thrones. It's interesting because I feel like spoiling Game of Thrones for you, and even I know instinctively that would be foul.

Okay. Even though at this point... Why do you feel that is? Well, because now everyone knows that Ned Stark is dead. Who's Ned Stark? Mm-hmm. Moving on. Tell me some other things you haven't seen.

Because two seasons are in the bag, I haven't just specifically gone to Wikipedia and looked up the names of every person and character from everything that's ever existed beforehand. Let me tell you this. Sean Bean does not deserve an Emmy for his work in the second season of Game of Thrones.

Okay. Fair or foul? Foul. You have revealed whoever this character is. Yeah. Is at least in it. Tell me something else you haven't seen. I have not seen The Wire.

Okay. Idris Elba is actually a demon. Wow. And it's actually an exorcism movie. I mean, the whole show is about the exorcism subculture in impoverished Baltimore. Judge, I'm going to have to call foul. You've just spoiled Prometheus for me. Oh, I think actually you just spoiled it for me.

Turnabout is fair play. I'm going into my chambers to look through my spoiler-free version of The Sixth Sense. I'll be back in a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Andrew, how are you feeling? I'm feeling fantastic. Judge Hodgman basically did all the work for me.

How about you, Adam? I'm sorry, my name is Skinny Pete. Well, I'm going to have to say it sounds like Judge is fully current on the program that I am currently in the middle of. And, you know, I don't want to call the judge out, but I feel like that he's on par with Andrew in his watching. And he has forgotten the emotional relevance of growing with characters. You know that he can hear you right now, right? I thought he was in his, in his watching. And he has forgotten the emotional relevance of growing with characters. You know that he can hear you right now, right?

I thought he was in his chambers. Please rise. As judge Sean Hodgman reenters the courtroom. Spoiler alert. I have no real chambers. Spoiler alert. I'm talking into a microphone. Oh man.

One last, one last one. Uh, Darth Vader is Luke's father's father okay fair or foul that's absolutely fair and i i think i think that's a good question to ask because the storyline of the star wars saga seems to go on forever and i doubt it'll ever die you're wrong you're wrong you're wrong that's foul i'm hoping i hope it's absolutely foul because that is a true secret now that is a true secret plot element that when it is revealed it makes you rethink

the entire thing that you have seen presuming you have started watching star wars from the beginning by which i mean the movie star wars not fake beginning, which is to say the prequels. And even though the filmmaker himself spoiled perhaps the biggest spoiler or spoiled perhaps the biggest secret reveal of all time in popular cinema by making three movies, which basically just said over and over again,

Darth Vader is Luke's father, Darth Vader is Luke's father,ader's luke's father darth vader's luke's father die players luke's father i still say no because that's an affront to the story that he wrought so well or at least competently uh in the 70s and 80s when he did that first original trilogy and you know even, even now, as I say, Darth Vader is Luke's father, even though it is a point of cultural understanding that it is true, I check myself in my guts.

My gut trembles with a sense of transgression when I say it, because what if someone didn't know that? Do you know what I mean? That, to me, is like pornography in the sense, the judicial sense of I know it when I see it. Certain spoilers are just foul, even if they have been spoiled by the thing itself. And certain spoilers are just fair. spoilers are just fair. So even though I knew you probably have had a chance now to have seen and heard all the discussion

about how Ned Stark is beheaded at the end of scenes in one of Game of Thrones, I just did it. I feel so dirty. I feel so dirty. I'm sorry, podcast listeners. I'm sorry. That was the wrong thing to do that I just did. And that's what I mean.

Like, you know when it's wrong. And then there are certain spoilers which are not only so subtle as to say, yeah, the other main character of this show that has gone on for five years doesn't die in the first season. That's so subtle as to point to be meaningless. And also it is derived from completely public knowledge,

which is to say reported information that this character, that this actor, not even the character, to be meaningless, and also it is derived from completely public knowledge, which is to say reported information that this character, that this actor, not even the character, doesn't even pertain to the character, has won an award for his performance. I'm sorry. You cannot protect yourself fully from life. And if you want to, it is up to you to protect yourself from simple information that a reasonable person might determine, might affect a story that they are currently watching on their television. You would have to wear a special kind of helmet.

You would have to be like Julianne Moore in Safe, going to a special allergen-free community. Guess what? It turns out it's all in her head. I did it! I spoiled that little movie. Actually, I'm not sure. Maybe I misremembered. You see what I'm saying, don't you?

I think it's a point of ambiguity, but let's leave it there. I don't think it's ever... And here's the thing. I think that's actually a pretty fair spoiler because I don't think that it's ever not a point of ambiguity in that movie, Safe. I think the point is that it is ambiguous whether Julianne Moore truly is allergic to the environment or that she is psychologically allergic to her life.

Do you know what I mean? Whereas certain spoilers, you just know, no matter how old they are, no matter how well they've been spoiled, you just don't say that to another person. And I'm afraid that this simple revelation of a piece of news, which was offered not maliciously, but in an encouragement of you're continuing to watch the series, because guess what? The Emmy Awards have determined this guy's a good actor and there is no better judge than the Emmy Awards. It just doesn't qualify.

I'm sorry. You should, you should, you know, endeavor, please, Andy, to be wary that your friend is allergic to the world around him.

But honestly, there is no harm. There is no foul. There's only fair. Spoiler alert. This is the sound of world around him. But honestly, there is no harm. There is no foul. There's only fair. Spoiler alert, this is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Andy, how are you feeling?

I'm feeling fantastic. I had a whole list of things I was going to bring up. I didn't even need to. Wait, what were you going to bring up? I had various comparisons. I was going to say that him complaining about me giving him public information would be like complaining that I said that LBJ ran for re-election in 64, has spoiled the Zapruder film for him. I was going to suggest that by saying that I'm liable for giving public information, so is every news outlet that reported on the Emmys. And also, therefore, the Emmy broadcast itself.

They should have kept it to themselves until Adam was caught up, and therefore everyone associated with the enemies, including, Your Honor, you. So that if I was found guilty, so must you be as well. Aren't we all? Yeah, those are all good things to say, but you didn't have to say them. You know why? Summary judgment. Summary judgment, exactly. I was going to say they go without saying, but you're right.

I forgot. Summary judgment. Why did we even talk about this? It's a good way to spend a half hour i hope i hope the people at home agree sorry bailiff jesse i stepped on your toes you finish it up the way you know the way you do best andrew adam thanks for joining us on the judge john hodgman podcast thanks guys thank you Thanks, guys Wow, you really blew a lot of minds in that case there Judge Hodgman Shh, Jesse

I'm trying to watch this last episode of the Tom Baker season of Doctor Who I hope he doesn't die Did you know that At the end of Pee-wee's Big Adventure He finds his bike But he learns that there was a bigger lesson all along? Oh, thanks. Now I can shred this DVD. Anything else you want to spoil for me?

Why don't we spoil a couple of people's days by finding against them in some docket clearings? That sounds good. Does that sound good? Or is that the most awkward transition in the history of broadcasting? Here we go. Here's something from Matthew. My fiance and I live in Manhattan and recently read that the Freedom Tower is now the city's tallest building.

I objected to this statement since the Freedom Tower is not scheduled for completion until late 2013. On the day they cut the ribbon, the Freedom Tower will be New York's tallest building. Until then, it's just the tallest construction site. My fiancée disagrees. She says that once a construction site has walls and windows and looks like a building, it's a building. She points out that when a building is abandoned or condemned, everyone keeps calling it a building. When does a building become a building?

First of all, it is not the Freedom Tower. It was referred to that during a dark period of our history where we felt that we had to call everything freedom because we were deeply wounded and traumatized and insecure. But thankfully, its official designation is One World Trade Center, and I will really thank you to call it that as opposed to the French Fry Tower or the U.S.'s best tower or whatever else you want to call it. One World Trade Center, a reasonable and noble homage to what it replaces, the World Trade Center. My only regret is that there aren't two of them, but that's it. It is

now the tallest thing in New York City, even though it is not completed. And I have to say, thing in New York City, even though it is not completed. And I have to say, as a resident of New York City, it is refreshingly jarring to look south on Manhattan Isle and see something rising into the sky there again. I had forgotten what it looked like to see something down there. And even though I don't think it's a particularly beautiful or inspiredly interesting building, I'm glad it's there. Now, and it is a building, so I'm going to rule that. Your fiancé is absolutely correct. A building is like pornography. You know it when you see it.

And skyscrapers are definitely like pornography for another reason. And skyscrapers are definitely like pornography for another reason. It is absolutely reasonable to call it a building, even though it is incomplete, because we all know where this thing is going. It's going to be a building. So I guess you could technically say it's the tallest structure, but I think as any reasonable human would say, it is the tallest building in New York City. And guess what? It's going to be even taller. One World Trade Center, it is called. Here's something from Terry. He writes, my group of friends has a burning question about the procedure of the court of the Honorable Judge John Hodgman. Are the rulings of this court meant to carry the weight of precedent that court rulings in the U.S. usually do? If we were to... Hang on, Jesse. Let me just...

Sorry, I got to get my eight-track cart machine up, my radio cart machine up, so I can put in the appropriate soundtrack. Where is this one? Oh, there it is. Okay, here we go. And then I'll press the button. Process nerd. Okay. Okay, sorry. Go ahead. If we were to hypothetically have a dispute similar to any that has been previously adjudicated, should we attempt to apply the previous ruling to the new situation in good faith? Or should that dispute be just submitted for a new ruling? Well, I take precedent very seriously, which is to say, if you submit a ruling that I have effectively already ruled on, I am going to throw your email in the trash. So don't bother submitting it. Take what you have learned from this and apply it to your own life. That's all I ask. That's all I've ever asked. Because I will only hear cases that

are relatively novel, or if they allow me to use one of my many 8-track cassettes sound effects that I use here on the radio. Pross is nerd! You're a lot like Chief Justice John Roberts in that you are against judicial activism. So if you have to overturn, say, the entire campaign finance system, you're going to have Kennedy write that opinion. Yeah, and we also make our judgments with a cart machine. Lock it, creared! have Kennedy write that opinion. Yeah. And we also make our judgments with a cart machine. Docket cleared. If you want to submit a case for Judge John Hodgman and we want your cases, big, small, we judge them all. Go to MaximumFun.org. Docket cleared. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hit it that time. I apologize. Go to MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho.

Hey, Judge John Hodgman, there's a great new show at MaximumFun.org called International Waters. Seems like there's always a great new show at MaximumFun.org, the home of great new shows. That's what we're up to. It is an international comedy pop culture quiz show where two comedians from the U.S. take on two comedians from the U.K.

It is a monthly series hosted by yours truly, written by my good friend Jordan Morris from Jordan Jesse Go. This month's episode, just by way of example, features the brilliant Sarah Thire, the hilarious Rob Hubel from Human Giant and The Office and so on and so forth. Holly Walsh and Steve Hall, hilarious comedians from the UK representing Her Majesty the Queen. And on the most recent episode of the program, a good friend of yours, Mr. Jonathan Colton. Boy, that guy sure gets around. Yeah, you can find it in iTunes. Just search for International Waters or on our website, MaximumFun.org, and you should check it out. Was this recorded on the Jonathan Colton Cruise?

Because I didn't think he did anything unless it was on a boat anymore. He shut down all non-essential red boating activities. You know, I hate to buzz market, but bookings are now open for Jonathan Colton Crew's Crazy Three. And maybe we should do International Waters while in International Waters. So MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho, if you would like to submit a case for Judge John Hodgman, I encourage you. For example, ask your parents if they've got a dispute for us to judge. Ask a co-worker. Ask a coworker. Ask your fourth grade teacher.

Don't ask your fifth grade teacher. Do not ask your fifth grade teacher. That dude is spooky. He is weird. He's got that weird smell. What does he smell like? I can't even tell. Anyway, MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho and look for International Waters in your information tunes.

We'll talk to you next time on Judge John Hodgman. Bye bye. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at AreasOfMyExpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at Forum.MaximumFun.org

and our Facebook group at Facebook.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.