Judge John Hodgman - A Toast to Serra Angels

Episode Date: February 17, 2016

Judge Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse rule on toaster ovens, purchasing "singles" in card games and whether a couple should go for the animal trifecta - two puppies and a kitten.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, we're in chambers clearing the docket. How are you, Judge Hodgman? I don't know if I can match your high energy, bailiff Jesse. What's wrong? Are you feeling phlegmy? Phlegmatic, perhaps? as those of you who listen to the non-cough button version of the show know, I'm constantly hitting mute so I can cough up phlegm. Just a little behind-the-scenes humanizing detail of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. And for some reason, we actually have a separate feed where all the coughs are maintained in the cut. A very small group of mucus enthusiasts really like it.

That's the ultimate freemium offering. Well, do you know, it's like those people who go on the internet to find YouTubes of people whispering to them so that they can make their scalp tingle. Are you familiar with that? No. This is a thing. Oh, yeah. Whispering, yeah. And they're folding towels.

Well, wait a minute i think it's related to misophonia which is the a reaction of irritation to certain noises often like uh repetitive chewing noises that's why i hate the sound of people uh chewing food but there is another reaction that people claim they have to certain kind of hissing, palms rubbing together noises that give them a pleasurable tingling sensation. And then there are websites and YouTube channels that are devoted to people just going like this all the time. And people listen to it and they just get a tingling sensation in their scalp. And if you're feeling that now, and if you judge John Hodgman listeners, then you know you have this interesting disorder also.

Judge Hodgman, I'm getting a tingling sensation, but it's not in my scalp. Well, let me counteract that this way. All right. The point is... I know this thing. My friend Matt Belknap from the Smash Hit podcast Never Not Funny. He has this thing.

Is it Belknap or Belknap? I've never known for sure. Belknap. Okay. Belknap. He has it? Yeah, he has it and he loves it. It's amazing.

When this became a famous thing... Yes. You know, a year or two ago. A couple of years ago. I'm always a couple of years behind the times. He went on to the subreddit for whatever and and just clicked on one of the videos and like he said absolutely clearly super powerfully got tingles up and down his head like uh as though he was having some kind of cranial orgasm and he said it was wonderful and

he had never he had had some things like that happened to him before but he had never been able to like pinpoint what was going on but it was vibrant clear and real and he's you know he's not a uh he's not a fuzzy headed man no belknap is a sharp headed fella that's what we've always said but uh but so he felt it well i'm glad to have him as a listener to my new podcast. Whispering with John Hodgman. Autonomous sensory meridian response ASMR. If you're interested in more in that phenomenon, look it up. If you'd like to hear what this podcast is all about, listen to me clear my throat.

In any case, let's start clearing the docket yes let's please i mean it's the the point is i'm glad we got to talk about all of this because it's the doldrums of february and uh and uh i'm it's hard for me to get my energy up this time of year and now now it's up so let's go let's clear that docket quick here here's something from courtney this dispute is with my husband of 14 years josh forget that it, I lost it. Our toaster oven is slowly failing. Oh, you got me back. I'm going to replace it. I want to hear about toaster ovens. I really like them.

Okay, let's go. I want to simply get a new toaster oven, but Josh wants a four-slice toaster. I'm okay with having both, but I refuse to relinquish my toaster oven. Josh hates having lots of appliances on the counter, so he's not okay with replacing one item with two. Judge, I would like you to rule that we replace our old toaster oven with a similar model, and that if Josh wants a toaster, he has to accept that it

will take up additional counter space. I have a feeling that Josh has wanted a four-slice toaster for a long time they've been married for 14 years and he sees that he's got finally got his shot to get this four-slice toaster because he's been living with this toaster oven for a long time otherwise Otherwise, why would he make an issue of it now? The thing about toaster ovens, Jesse, is that they are incorrectly named. They should just be called Little Ovens. They're not, in my experience. I think the real problem is they can't get the copyright to that

because No Limit rapper Lil' Oven got that copyright in the early 2000s. I think the real problem is they can't get the copyright to that because no limit rapper Lil Oven got that copyright in the early 2000s. I know. Most of your small appliance companies simply aren't sufficiently about it about it. The reason that they should be called, legally or not, Lil Ovens is that they're pretty good countertop ovens, but not particularly good toasters in my experience. Jesse, what do you have in your home there, in your kitsch?

I have, Judge Hodgman, I don't mean to buzz market or to brag, but I have a Breville toaster oven, a top-of-the-line toaster oven. It's something that I acquired maybe six months ago. Yeah. After the toaster that had been given to my wife and I as not even a pre-wedding gift, a housewarming gift by a friend's mother. Yeah. Who is a hoarder. Finally died on us.

It was a target model or whatever. And we have no gas in our house because of where the gas line is located in various laws and regulations. And so we have an electric oven, which probably takes half an hour to preheat. And it's totally maddening for cooking anything in. And so when our toaster died, I went on to one of my favorite websites, The Sweet Home. I know, I know, I know, Jesse, keep going. I'm really into this. And I said- I'm getting such a tingling in my scalp, just listening to you talk about this stuff. What toaster oven do they recommend if price is no object? And here's the thing. For me in my life, price remains an object.

However, I have found that as a homeowner and dad, I get so much pleasure out of having the right thing that I have almost completely discarded price. So I'm not talking about buying the one with the most features or buying the most expensive one. For its own sake. Now that the internet will tell me exactly what the really good one is, I am so glad to pay. I mean, literally, this toaster oven maybe cost $300.

But I was like, you know, there's things in my life that I can give up to cover that extra $200. Yes. And now I use this toaster oven all the time, like constantly. Yes. Because it is so much more, it is profoundly more convenient than using my oven oven. Right. And it's more energy efficient.

Your biggie oven. Yeah. And I, you know, the fact of the matter is how many cookies do I really want to make at once? Yes. The fact is that I want to make one toaster oven's worth of cookies and it actually fits a surprisingly large number of cookies in there. How many chocolate chip cookies you get out make one toaster ovens worth of cookies and it actually fits a surprisingly large number of cookies in there how many how many how many chocolate chip cookies you get out of a toaster oven nine how do you that's a that's a great number yeah it's really sizable you can

you can roast a chicken in there i've done it so i know i'm glad you went down this road jesse deeply deeply gratified as i said my scalp's tingling because i know the oven of which you speak because i am also uh a um a visitor to the sweet home website and it's a sister uh sister brother website for technology gadgets and stuff uh wire cutter and i hope that we will be getting some big sweet stack of perfectly browned cash from either Breville, Sweet Home, or both. But even if we don't, I can't help myself because I find that those two websites are terrific for making those decisions. is ambivalent by nature and has a hard time being decisive. There are certain decisions that would send me down a deep spiral of procrastination, such as what kind of TV to buy.

I bought the TV. They told me to buy too. Yeah. And I did too. And you know what? It's great. Yeah. It's awesome.

I got no complaints. What kind of like, but I'm the kind of guy who will be like, what, what kind of HDMI cable is the very, very best? As an only child, you need to, I feel this obsession to be like, I can't just do a pretty good job. I have to do the best job. And therefore, I need to get the best auxiliary cable to run the terrible compressed audio from my phone into the terrible speakers in my car.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I know. That's the only way that you can ensure that you're avoiding all unnecessary conflict. And so these websites do, in my opinion, a great and to date reliable job of doing all the testing and giving all the reasons. But if you just need to know the one to get, this is the one to get. And I was in a position myself, Courtney, not too long ago where my family had to decide between getting a toaster or a toaster oven. I've always been a toaster person because I like toast. I like toast a lot. And I've always found that toaster ovens were made very poor toast um and uh and and were basically a very versatile appliance for everything other than the toasting of toast and that that toast specific toasters always did a better job but i gotta tell you jesse my head was turned by this oven that was recommended by the sweet

home this breville brand toaster oven now did you get the big one or the smaller one? I think I got the larger one. The smaller one is not that much smaller than the big one. Right. If I remember correctly. So you got the large little oven, not the little, little oven? Yeah, exactly. Right, okay.

And you're satisfied is what you're saying. I'm not just satisfied. I'm absolutely delighted. Like every time I cook a steak at home, which I generally do on the stovetop, I can brown the steak on the stovetop, put a temperature probe in there, and just stick it in my toaster oven, which is already heated easily, comfortably, and take it out when it goes boop, boop, boop, indicating that it's medium rare. and take it out when it goes boop, boop, boop, indicating that it's medium rare. And that just in and of itself would have been worth the money that I spent on this toaster oven.

Well, I'm glad to hear that endorsement, but I have to ask you a question, Jesse. Do you ever make toast in it? No, I don't. I don't eat a lot of toast. You don't eat a lot of toast. Have you tried making toast in it? My wife makes toast in it for our children. I haven't heard any complaints. That said, they're four and two. Yeah. And I was

about to say that they're not very discriminating, but in fact, they're profoundly discriminating in that they reject all foods other than toast. If that's the primary part of their diet. But within the subset toast, they are not very discriminating. Gotcha. That was the reason that i didn't end up buying that toaster oven because i felt we just needed something to make toast and we already we in our case had a perfectly adequate oven that and and a perfectly adequate smaller second oven already that so we didn't really need this in our life and then we ended up going to a church auction and getting an old black and decker toaster for 35 cents and um and it was terrible so sorry black wait you bid 35 cents on it it wasn't even increments

of a dollar it was it was it was the buy buy it right now price i think yeah uh and then um and then we replaced it and in my case i ended up getting a Breville two-slice toaster because we like toast. Breville was a highly recommended brand for the toaster oven. And like Josh, Counterspace is at a premium in our lives. And this took up a very small, had a very small footprint. And it's a terrific, terrific toaster. You know what my favorite feature of it is? What's that?

There's a button. First of all, you don't, there's no lever that you're pushing down, right? You put the toast in, you press a button, and the toaster grabs it and then slowly lowers it like Han Solo into the carbonite freezing chamber,

which is hypnotic to watch. And then it doesn't shoot it out at you, but it slowly raises it. And if you're looking at it and you go, you know what? I need that to be a little bit more toasted. There's a button that says a bit more. You press that.

Wow. It takes it back down for a few seconds. It's truly, it's truly a connoisseur's toasting device. And I find the toast to become out of it, be superlative. So rebel, think of this podcast when, when you're, toasting device. And I find the toast to become out of it to be superlative. So Breville, think of this podcast when you're considering your sponsorship plans for the new year.

Have you watched our friend David Reese's episode of his television show, which is called Going Deep with David Reese, that is specifically about toast? Yes, I have. So there's two concerns for the benefit of our audience that come up in this. They are temperature and time. And so if you make toast at a higher temperature, you get a drier outside with a moister inside, whereas if you make it over a longer period of time at a lower temperature, Whereas if you make it over a longer period of time at a lower temperature, you get a more well-cooked through-and-through slice of toast. The benefit of the former, which is crispy on the outside, chewy on the inside, is that it may be the best tasting toast immediately, and it's the classic American toast. The latter, which is a more classic British or European toast,

has the advantage of still tasting good later because it is of consistent and relatively dry texture. And not consistent across the flat surface, but through the toast itself from the one edge, from the one flat side to the other flat side. It's more consistently toasted as opposed to having a chewy center what's your preference judge hodgman uh i i don't care for the european crispy all the way through toast um to to my mind that's basically a biscuit it's basically a dry a dry crumbly biscuit uh to my hard tech like a hard like a hard tech yeah without the magazine weefles

and that and then you don't have the protein so what's the point of the hard tech you know what i mean exactly so yeah i mean the the the truth is are are you a discriminating is josh a discriminating toast eater or is josh simply someone who cares incredibly about counter space and controlling his wife and and we will never know but because i refuse to talk to josh uh and we're clearing the docket uh so since the wife is okay with having a toaster and a toaster oven she's the more flexible of the two if josh truly wants a toaster believing that it will make superlative toast then he should have such a thing and if he's truly obsessed with counter space then then he should take it into his room, into the bathroom by himself and make toast on his own alone. Yeah. Whenever he takes a bath, he can make it. Exactly right. Just toss it into

the bath. And that's how you keep your toast moist, by the way, make it underwater while you're in the bathtub. So I don't want to deny Josh is perfect toast, but there is no reason that Courtney should have to go from a versatile multi-use appliance that takes a certain amount of space on the counter to a single-use appliance and get rid of all the functionality that the oven part of the toaster oven confers. That would be madness and tyranny, and I will not allow it. So either, Josh, you allow your own special toaster on the counter or let Courtney replace her toaster oven with whatever toaster oven she thinks is best. I think it's clear the ones that we think are best. I definitely would recommend that you get a Breville toaster oven and a Breville two or four slice toaster and that Breville give us money. That's, I think that would be the best

outcome for your family. But if you have to choose one, I have to find in favor of Courtney. She gets what she wants because she set the precedent and she's flexible and you're not. And that's bad. Of course, our friends at Breville right now are enjoying their free milk and wondering why they should buy our cow. Oh, they're going to moxie us just like the moxies did. Here's something from David. My best friend Matt and I have enjoyed playing a popular collectible card game for many years. The traditional way to obtain the cards is to buy them in sealed packs

or trade with others for individual cards. Matt has recently begun bolstering his collection by purchasing individual cards, called singles, through second-hand retailers such as card shops. I can abide the occasional purchase of a few singles,

but his purchases have now upset the balance of our respective decks and diminished our mutual enjoyment of the game. I naturally have fewer decks of lower quality since I've gone the traditional route to collect cards. Judge Hodgman, I ask you to specify how many singles purchases each of us are allowed in a given period of time and encourage my friend to construct new decks in the traditional way rather than an Internet search of available cards. Now, Jesse, you used to be a card sharp. Yeah, I was a baseball card enthusiast,

and I dabbled in Magic the Gathering in middle school, as well as Star Wars, the collectible card game, and Marvel Comics cards, which had hologram cards in them. That was what you wanted in the Marvel Comics cards. But just now, I have to ask you wanted in the Marvel Comics cards. But just now, I have to ask you, in the Marvel Comics cards, you're just talking about pictures of your favorite superheroes, your Colossus, your

Deadpools, your... Yeah, although I did not care that much about the superheroes, to be honest. I liked Spider-Man pretty well. Sure. I had some comic books, don't get me wrong, but I was not an enthusiast of most of the superheroes. I just wanted to get

those holograms. You loved holograms. I loved holograms. They gave you a tingling in your scalp to see them. They gave me an illusion of three-dimensionality. It was the promise

of the future, that if this exists now, by the time I am an adult, I will be talking to the beautiful woman who will someday discover that I'm a great person and be my wife via a hologram. You know what? If they sold collectible cards that had an insert and the insert was Dippin' Dots ice cream, I would have bought every pack they had. Well, I have to say, Jesse Thorne that um those are trading cards right that's what

i mean to say about these marvel cards they were not part of a game right but i did play magic the gathering probably the most popular of these types of games um uh when it first hit uh bay area nerd middle schools in 1992 or so and for those who don don't know or didn't listen to our recent case, which dealt a lot with playing Magic and similar competitive card games, there are some cards that are very powerful. And then there are some cards that are just garbage cards, right? They're weeds. They're rags.

Yeah, well, there are cards that you need a lot of, which are common, and they're not worth – they don't have a large monetary value because they're so common. You do need them to play, though. Right. And then there are special cards, which come much more rarely in these random packs and can sometimes be very powerful. And part of – Such as, I remember one called Sarah Angel. It's the only one that I remember, but I had two Such as, I remember one called Sarah Angel. It's the only one that I remember, but I had two of them, I think. And that made me really hot stuff in the seventh grade

afraid of girls community. Sarah Angel, S-E-R-R-A. So, and what were the powers of the Sarah Angel magic card? What was nice about the Sarah Angel angel card was most cards when you use them to attack you had to turn them sideways which was called tapping them but the sarah angel you did not have to tap and well that's i can see why you got so excited why was that important i don't i don't remember and how did you get two Sarah Angels, Jesse? I purchased them as singles from the baseball card store during the summer that I worked as an assistant to my stepmother's ad hoc at home preschool. And I was getting paid $2 an hour. And with a couple of days pay i think they cost 15 or 20 each

i bought those sarah angels you bought two of them became king of the game you just you you you you rigged the game for yourself i mean this is what the the issue is folks who don't know what we're talking about there are two ways to get cards you either buy them blindly in packs of 15 or 20 or whatever it is and then hope you get a good one in there because seeded throughout the run are some of the really high power cards like the sarah angel or you just skip that whole step the you skip the pleasure of the hunt and instead go directly to your local card shop and basically buy a scalped sarah angel that someone has found uh they probably they probably got them in a car off of a card hunting farm in china somewhere like where they get you know where they where they get a a thousand chinese

teenagers to just buy and open packs and get out the good ones and then they send them over i don't know if that's how they would do it that's how they that's how they mine for virtual gold and virtual role-playing games but that's another story and it really you know they're on the one hand it seems gross to essentially sidestep the the pleasure of the hunt and the social aspect of buying the cards opening seeing seeing which ones you get maybe getting a sort of charlie bucket golden ticket card that makes you really excited having that finding it you know knowing that you only paid you know a few bucks for the pack then being able to trade it for all your friends cards and that sort of thing but really what it comes down to was that was a trick to get kids to buy as many packs of cards as possible right and by the same token skipping that process and just going

directly to the scalper had kind of a gross air to it because it was just the rich kids could get whatever they wanted and all of a sudden someone like you jesse thorne could rig the game um and and and and ruin friendships is what happened here in in this particular uh case between david and matt i don't know if their friendship is ruined, but it should be because Matt has gone off and buying these individual cards that warps the gameplay. Because suddenly, you know, he's got an arsenal of Sarah Angels and David's got nothing. He's been left behind by his friend. that the sort of gross capitalistic mercenary air of going to the card shop or now to the internet and just buying these things online is less gross when you consider it's equally as capitalistic as giving the money to the game creator to buy thousands of cards you don't need to get the one

that you need but in this case not only is the game creator getting whatever money they're getting but also you're supporting your your local card shop from small entrepreneurs so all capitalism is disgusting i don't i don't take the moral stand uh that one is necessarily better than the other you're at the end of the day it's either the comic book store guy a weirdo on the internet or the card shop that is taking money from children. But unless David and Matt are middle schoolers themselves, then I think that Matt is doing a wrong thing here. This is a friendly game between adult or young adult friends. And this is not the mercenary, all or nothing,

backstabbing world of the recess playground this is presumably two guys who like to get together and maintain and grow their friendship through a few games of collectible fantasy cards and i think for matt to uh beef up his arsenal in this way and throw the game out of whack um essentially leaving his friend behind. And I think it's kind of an uncool thing to do. And I would say that I think David's suggestion is quite right, that there should be a limit to how many singles purchases each are allowed in a given period of time. So I would say, what do you think is a reasonable number of singles to purchase in a month?

Let's say, Jesse. Well, I have a concern here, Judge Hodgman. What is it? I think your reasoning is sound. However, there's a blind spot here. It's one that I can speak to. You mean blind spot? The hit television show on NBC starring Jamie Alexander and featuring John Hodgman in a two episode arc that by the time

of this airing has probably concluded. Yeah. Oh no, it doesn't. It hasn't concluded. It doesn't start till the end of this month. Check out Blindspot on NBC. I think it's February 29th. No, what I refer to is, you know, one of the central facts of my own personal mythology is that I went to a rich kid school in middle school. So while my parents were divorced and each in their own economically tenuous places in their lives, and I was living in inner city San Francisco, I was attending school on the peninsula of the San Francisco Bay Area with legit rich kids. And the flaw in this limitation system is this. Sure, you can prevent this guy from going on to eBay and buying himself four Sarah Angels. Certainly so.

Going on to eBay and buying himself four Sarah Angels. Certainly so. But you can't prevent this guy from buying a wax box of these cards, which is to say the display box that typically holds 36 packs of cards, and opening packs until he gets four Sarah Angels. These are adult men with, relative to the cost of collectible trading cards, almost unlimited budgets. They're not getting paid $2 an hour as I was at the time. Uh-huh.

And so as an unlicensed child childcare worker. licensed child child child care worker so i think my worry here is that even if we limit them to something reasonable i think even one a month would be perfectly reasonable what could happen is this guy could become resentful and he could decide to plow his singles money into buying packs and he could just start buying boxes on ebay so let's premise this that they are that they are adults with incomes you're saying what that they should that there's nothing there's no way to prevent this guy from doing whatever he wants realistically i think that if i think that if we if we limit this is like campaign finance reform that if we limit this way of influencing the game with money, he'll just find another way. To create a super PAC, as it were.

Yeah. Here's the only thing that I can think of. Yeah. Between the two of them, they have two types of games. One type of game is anything goes. So that's where they can buy as many of whatever the 2016

version of Sarah Angel is as they want. They can spend all their money decking out their mana and their attack point guys. Again, my memories of this game are relatively hazy. Yeah. Then they also have point guys. Right. Again, my memories of this game are relatively hazy.

Yeah. Then, they also have a continuing game or set of games where they play with some specific strictures, which is to say

they have to make their decks from each of them buys one box of cards or each of them is allowed to spend $20 a month on that deck. And they agree to that. They stipulate to the same limits for each of them.

I'm listening to Bernie Sanders here. You've totally turned me around on this because I feel like there is no way to enact realistic campaign finance reform because the people who want to game the system or in this case system the game are all and they have the money to do it they're always going to find a way they're always going to find a way to funnel the money to to support the candidates they want or to get the cards that they want and and maybe they'll just funnel the money to lawyers such that it goes all the way to the Supreme Court and it's card players united versus the United States. And suddenly it becomes an issue of buying cards being an expression of free speech.

This guy, if he wants to buy, I think ultimately there's nothing to it but to appreciate that this game that binds these friendships is also ultimately a capitalistic enterprise behind it. There should be a free market of cards. We should let the cards fall where they may, as it were. If Matt wants to go out there and buy whatever cards he's going to buy, that is right. wants to go out there and buy whatever cards he's going to buy that is right and as Ayn Rand would say the the the the market will correct itself because maybe David won't want to play with him anymore and say I'm out of here because you're just you're making not fun and then Matt will be alone with his 3,000 Sarah Angel cards and no one to play with and that's an appropriate punishment by the market now what I would say now i take i

take everything i said back here's my ruling david you're wrong there's no way to force matt to play the way you want to play and if he's playing in a way that you don't want to play anymore maybe you shouldn't be friends anymore and that's punishment for matt but before that happens just for fun just to show that this game isn't just ruled by the rich kids. There's another way. You can Bernie Sanders your campaign against Matt and his Koch brother cronies by crowdsourcing, by grassrooting this thing. Start a Patreon. Start a Patreon saying,

my friend unfairly buys a bunch of powerful cards in this game that I'm playing. I want to raise whatever you need to raise let's say five thousand dollars to to to blow him out of the water and teach him how to play right and here are my reasons why if you start that patreon uh we will i will i will personally plug that on all of my social medias and i will contribute to it because i want i want to take this guy down now i want to show him i want to show matt this creep this coke brothers creep that he can't buy the game there's still people out there who will rise up and and and and donate to a worthy cause like david and uh and and uh and and and i want you to destroy him dav David. He can have my Sarah Angels.

They're probably in my dad's basement somewhere. If it's a Magic the Gathering thing, you can also, part of your appeal can be send me your cards, everybody. Good. And then we'll see what happens in the general election when it's Bernie Sanders versus the Koch brothers. When it's Bernie Sanders versus the Koch brothers. We'll decide more red hot cases when we come back in just a second on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org.

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Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're in chambers, clearing the docket.

Here's something from Patrick. I have a dispute with my fiancée, Rebecca. We're moving in together soon, and we're both interested in getting two dogs, a German Shepherd and a Corgi, and a cat. I would like to get both dogs and the cat at the same time so that they'll be able to grow up with each other and get along. Rebecca says it will be too much work to raise two puppies and a kitten all at once, and she would like to space them out by a year or so. When we get our first pet, she will be busy studying to take a nursing exam.

I will be working full time. Judge Hodgman, should we follow my timeline or Rebecca's? Don't get two dogs and a cat, you weirds. All at the same time? Jeez Louise. Why are you... a cat you weirds all it is all at the same time geez louise but why is this just is this just a plot summary of the movie we bought a farm we bought a zoo yeah there you go we bought a farm is the uh the the sequel that's coming out soon why are you trying to create a domestic menagerie well look no i know exactly why you're trying to create it. Because you've got a German Shepherd, a Corgi, and a cat.

You want to make a pile. You want to put that Corgi on top of that German Shepherd. You want to put that cat on top of that Corgi. And you want them to walk around the house. And you want to film it. And you want them to become world-famous Instagram pets. Like those pets. Like those Corgis.

I went to a party at SF Sketchfest. Were you there that night after? No, I don't think you had arrived in San Francisco. No, I was asleep, yeah. There was a party afterward at a private home. It was an official party, but it was at a private home. And there are these corgis around. And I said to someone, whose corgis are they?

And they're like, we don't know. And I'm like, what do you mean? It's like, well, we don't know who the owners, I mean, the owners are here, but we don't know them. My friend is a big fan of those corgis on Instagram. And so he invited the corgis to the party as celebrities. I'm still speechless, still speechless these court and i looked into it these corgis chompers and linus what they're i think father and son chompers is much more popular

than linus for obvious reasons have huge followings and i'm very proud to say they now follow both the both of them follow me on Instagram. Sean Hodgman, by the way, is my Instagram account. J-O-H-N-H-O-D-G-M-A-N. So yeah, if you're trying to create a new media celebrity bonanza by tying these animals together in a cute pyramid for your Instagram or Vines or your social medias of some kind, I'm 100% behind it. I'm a hundred percent behind it.

I'm also a hundred percent behind it because there's something very specific. There's something very specific about German shepherd Corgi and then cat. Obviously you don't care about now, you know that the show recommends against getting pure breeds because there are so many great rescue animals that are ready for adoption and need good homes and would be terrific good homes and also will have already been raised through puppyhood. But since you are insisting going down a specific breed path to begin with, this is just like that dude with his toaster. It might be just something you have to have in your life. And

if it's something that you have to have in your life, then you have to have the whole thing. You have to just go and do it because your fiance is studying for a nursing exam you work full-time the best thing for you guys to have is not is well maybe a snake or nothing the snake just because you could you'd wear that walking down the street and make friends totally yeah that's it's the social entree of all social entrees well the last thing you need in your life are are two hairy perpetual infants which is what dogs are one of one of which has very short legs and then a creature that hates you and forces you to keep a box of its poop in your house. But you don't need that in your life.

But if you need it on some deep, deep, deep brain level, it's not going to get easier having one at a time at a time. You're just spreading out the pain and trouble of raising small animals. And I think it will be much easier if they know each other from birth or relative close to birth, because then they will be friends and then they'll ride around on top of each other. And you guys will be gazillionaires and you won't have to work anymore.

Do you think these people even know what it means to have three? This is my word. they don't. How do all these pets end up in shelters? It's because people think that they should get three. People with no pets think they should have three pets all at once when they have full-time jobs and nursing exams. They have no idea what they're getting into. And that's why I want to punish them by giving them what they want.

But you're punishing the poor animals. I hadn't thought about that. They'll be fine. Corgis are resilient. Corgis, I feel fine about the Corgi because I know the Corgi's always got a fallback career by just going on social media. The point, what I'm saying though, Jesse,

is they're going to do it. They're going to do it anyway. So they got to do it all at once. I'm worried about these people. Yeah, well. You think that the corgi and the German shepherd and the cat are going to team up against them? And take them down as like a reverse incredible journey? They don't know if they can even deal with having a pet.

These people haven't even moved in together yet. Right. This is all part of their weird marriage fantasy. Yeah, but that happens all the time. Yeah, but that's how pets like... One of my dogs was a family surrender because the family couldn't deal with her. And she's a really sweet dog.

It wasn't because she was a bad dog. Right. It was because these people weren't prepared to actually have the pet that they adopted. And I'm worried that these yahoos with their complicated scheme. Their very specific scheme. Yeah, their hyper specific scheme they're just gonna they're just gonna cause trouble for themselves well but think of it this way for for the precise same precise same fantasy reasons they they might instead have a child and you know and they

may be terrible parents then what are they going to do with all their parents with all their pets the same well that's what I'm saying. Most young couples get pets in order to rehearse what it's like to have a child. And then they realize that they can keep a thing without killing it. And that thing loves them. And they love the sense of perpetual adoration. So they immediately then have a child and then ignore the dog or cat for the rest of its natural life. You can't stop evil.

I don't trust these people. You can't stop all evil in the world i don't trust these people past the end of my nose so you're saying that i should say get get a cat or a dog get one of these animals first and that way they'll learn their lesson and realize oh this is already too much i'm not going to get the other two yeah and then and then you'll save you'll it'll mitigate the harm yeah and or but that's not that's not as mean to them as i would like to be jesse but you're right you're right make them get one of those robot get three of those robot dogs that honda makes and then the poor animals aren't getting punished. You know, here's what you do. They don't need to all grow up together.

If you are, as the show recommends, if you're getting rescue pups, there's no rescue pup situation or cat situation that doesn't involve a trial period. If they come into your house and they don't get along, then you send them back where they came from. All right. You know what, Bailiff Jesse,

you've changed my mind on two of these so far. Maybe this should be the Judge Jesse Thorne show. I wouldn't mind some bailiffing, but I think you're right. The cat is the only thing where they didn't specify a breed because they don't, like most people, they don't give feces about cats. So go and rescue a cat, an adorable cat from some cat cafe or a rescue organization.

Then, and start with that because that is the one that requires the least amount of attention, care, and walking. Enjoy that cat for a period of time until you get through your nursing exam and you, and you get married and you settle into a life and then revisit in a year and decide do we want to open this up to one or more dogs at this point i do recommend that you not care so much about the breed of the dog and and maybe go to a rescue place because as jesse says the rescue place will will vet you and the situation and will offer to take the animal back if the cat doesn't get along and the with the new dog. And the real benefit of this, of course, is that, you know, after the worst case scenario is that you just make a cat mad, which is the most fun thing in the world to do.

So, all right, that's reasonable. That's my judgment. Let's move on. Hi, John, big fan of yours in Korea. All right. North or south, unspecified. I listened to one of your recent episodes in which a plaintiff tried to prohibit his wife

from brushing her teeth in the shower. I think you were initially more sympathetic to him, but ultimately ruled that his concern was not well-founded. In Korea, we have something called jimjilbangs, basically saunas combined with many washing stations where people sit, clean themselves, and brush their teeth. In so doing, there could be some germs jumping onto toothbrushes. However, I think that considering we use our hands to wash both our faces and our butts, toothbrush use in...

Jimjilbongs. Jimjilbongs is probably no dirtier than washing arrangements in our bathrooms. I've never heard of a Jimjilbong. I usually bathe in a bibimbap. I would be curious to inspect one of these communal bathing situations with my, with my own eyes, Todd. So next time I'm in South Korea, which will be the first time, please let me know which Jim Jilbong you like. And I will check it out and see the famous jumping germs of South Korea.

I don't think that's how germs get around. Have you ever visited a Korean spa? No. In New York City, there is Spa Castle, which is a famous multi-level, multi-world theme park of spas with many different kinds of waters that you can bathe in and many different and in fact i think was featured or it was inspired something that was featured on uh one of the episodes of bored to death that i was not in one of the many episodes of bored to death that i was not in but i've never been i would like to go i would like to go now that i've become more comfortable with communal bathing of all kinds um since I am a grown man that no one is interested in and has grown comfortable in my gross nudeness, I would love to visit it.

You know, next time you're here in Los Angeles, we are literally down the block from perhaps the most famous such institution in the city of Los Angeles and one of the most famous outside of Korea, the Wii Spa. Is podcasting allowed from inside the spa? That's an interesting question. While they brutalize you with loofahs, are you allowed to have a microphone to your mouth? are you allowed to have a microphone to your mouth? I'm not sure. Like I would like to imagine, you know,

one of those face down massage tables that has a little donut around the sides of your face. Yeah. But you're holding a microphone up into the middle of the donut so you can talk. That would be uncomfortable to reach around the massage table to hold the microphone. Maybe we could get some tripods or something. Yeah, or a microphone stand maybe.

Yeah. I think we could do it. All right, well, let's do that. In the meantime, David, remember to start your social media grassroots buy me super dupe collectible card campaign so that I can plug it. And also, everybody, remember to watch NBC's hit show Blindspot, created by Martin Garrow, starring Jamie Alexander and many other fine actors on NBC February 29th and in addition to those fine actors maybe you'll see me

maybe if you have a case for Judge John Hodgman go to maximumfund.org slash jjho that's maximumfund.orgorg slash JJHO to share your case with us, big or small. We consider them all. Our producer is Julia Smith. Our editor is Mark McConville. Hey, coming up soon, the MaxFunDrive. Get ready for it. We're going to be asking

for your support to help make this show possible at MaximumFun.org slash donate, but there will also be tons of cool prizes that you will get in exchange for doing so, so keep your eyes on the horizon for that. And thanks for listening to the Judge John

Hodgman Podcast. Jesse, you know what my role on Blindspot is? What is it? I'm just a guy carrying around a Breville toaster oven the whole time. A toaster oven conveyor? I'm like the log lady, but I'm carrying around a toaster oven the whole time a toaster oven conveyor i'm like the log lady but i'm carrying around a toaster oven and a very specific brand to boot see you next time on the judge john hodgman podcast maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported