Judge John Hodgman - Apocalypse Row

Episode Date: December 15, 2011

Carrie and her husband Phillip are planning for the future. A collapse of civilazation under the coming apocalypse to be exact. Carrie and "Sarge" are at odds about where to best survive the end of days and bring the case to Judge John Hodgman. 

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, apocalypse row. Carrie brings the case against her husband, Philip. Philip argues that should an apocalypse occur in or near their rural Georgia town, they should head for the nearest Walmart. There they can take advantage of the large stock of food, sporting goods, and other post-apocalyptic necessities. Kerry disagrees. She says the Walmart will be clogged with people, and they should head for the hills and live off the land. Who's in the right and who's in the wrong?

Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Law 1. You will obey orders without question. Law 2. Punishment shall be swift. Law 3. Mercy is for the weak. Law 4. Terror will defeat reason. Law 5. Your allegiance is to the Judge John Hodgman courtroom. Law six. Justice can be dictated.

Law seven. Any person may challenge for leadership of the courtroom. Law eight. You will not get it. Only I am the judge. Swear them in. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever?

I do. Yes. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that really what you should be doing is trying to curry the favor of the ancient and unspeakable ones? Yes. Yes. Very well. Judge Hodgman? Good afternoon or morning, whatever time it is in your part of the apocalypse, Philip and Carrie.

You are in Atlanta, is that correct? Southwest Georgia. We're in a section of the country that we call Alaflorgia, Alabama, Georgia, Florida. Oh, I see. Yes, you do live in a strange other country, a lawless land where borders are ill-defined, and a man and woman have to live on their own wits. Is that not so? That's so.

Right. It's very accurate. Before I begin, can either of you identify what motion picture and novel I was paraphrasing when I came into the courtroom? I cannot. No idea. No idea. That was General Bethlehem from The Postman. Have either of you seen The Postman?

I have seen The Postman. Will Patton's character, General Bethlehem. You didn't recognize that, did you, sir? I did not. When was the last time you saw The Postman? Probably about seven, eight months ago. I still didn't. I still didn't.

Months ago are never words that I associate with the question, when did you last see the postman? Apocalypse months are really important time, Mark. I would imagine so, because time goes very slowly after the apocalypse. Wow, so you saw the postman seven or eight months ago and you still did not recognize the words of the lunatic General Bethlehem. All right, good to know. Is that in your survival bunker, sir? A copy of the postman? It is not, but it will be.

I should hope so. Don't feel too bad, Philip. I was going to guess the blind side. I think that they do that and the blind side is an homage to the postman. Carrie, you are the plaintiff, the complainant. Tell me the nature of your complaint. Philip and I do spend a lot of time talking about the apocalypse. Well, what husband and wife doesn't?

Exactly. By the way, it's nice to have a married couple back on the podcast. It's been a while. Well, we're married for now. You know, the end of this podcast might change things. I don't know. You know what? As good survivalists are, you are obviously utter pragmatists.

Indeed. Right. But generally, I agree with all of his planning. I mean, he's very capable. He's very protective. And honestly, in most any survival situation, my plan is basically to stick next to Philip because I'm useless. But one of his favorite pet ideas is this immediate militia takeover of the Super Walmart. It's the last place I want to be right now during peacetime,

and it's a terrible idea during a crisis. Everybody around here has guns. I have a gun. Philip has a gun. Our 10-year-. I have a gun. Philip has a gun. Our 10-year-old son has a gun. Everybody's got guns. And everybody's obsessed with Walmart as well. So, in our city, that'll be 30,000 frantic people with guns heading to Walmart. And I just think that that's a foolish idea. Okay. Now, let's just go back a little bit. There are many things in your statement that I want to talk about. First, Philip and I talk about the apocalypse a lot. Let's talk about that a little bit. What kind of apocalypse are you concerned about? Any kind, really. You know, sometimes it's a zombie apocalypse. Sometimes it's a governmental meltdown.

Right. Sometimes it's some kind of plague situation. It's not out of the question. Philip, may I interject just for a moment? Are those all the scenarios or are there any other scenarios that are concerning to you? No, I think that's pretty much it. Okay. What about if a huge African-American teenager comes to stay with a well-meaning

white family? You're talking about that movie? Are you talking about The Postman again? Yes. I think the plan would still be great for that situation as well. Let me just set you both at ease. There will be no zombie apocalypse. That's not going to happen. Based on my research, the only things that will be coming back to life during the apocalypse will be taxidermied animals, and they will not get very far due to their being nailed down to boards.

But no, I don't think that there is going to be a zombie apocalypse. I understand why a lot of people like to think about a zombie apocalypse, because it is a powerful metaphor for the utter derailing of human civilization into sheer brutality and the wish fulfillment of getting to shoot your neighbors in the head. But the reality is that under any other circumstance of apocalypse, governmental meltdown, economic meltdown, and I'm using the term apocalypse here loosely, we're talking about a collapse of civilization. And the reality is, if there are any other scenario in which civilization collapses, you're not going to need zombieism in order for

people to be monsters to one another, as you point out, because everyone you know, including your pets, have guns. Now, Philip, you are a current or a retired member of the armed services? I am not retired, but I am a veteran. Okay. And what branch? In the Army. And what is your current rank or your rank when you were no longer in the Army? Are you active? I'm not sure. No, no, no. I'm not active anymore.

I've actually been out since the end of 2002. Well, thank you for your service. Thank you. And I was a sergeant when I did get out. And it says here that you are commonly referred to as Sarge? Yes. All right. What sort of firearms do you have in your home? You want the whole list?

Well, tell me the ones that it is legal for you to own. You don't have to talk about the other ones. We've got a handful of shotguns, some 9mm handgun, 45 handgun, some.22s, and a BB gun. And I presume you are proficient in all of these arms? The ones that are currently operational, yes. All right. Take the ones that are not operational and bury them because they are not going to help you. When the apocalypse comes, Pawn Stars will be canceled.

You're not going to be able to make money that way. Carrie, which of these guns is yours? I have some kind of pistol. Hold on, I can look it up. It's called a Taurus Millennium? It's called a gun? A trigger gun? Let me look at it.

Where's the name on this thing? Where's the brand name? It's a Taurus. A Taurus. I don't know what that is. As in a Ford Taurus? Is that what you mean? Taurus?

T-A-U-R-U-S? Yes, I shoot a Ford Taurus. It's the Ford Taurus of guns. I think it is. Yeah. It's the one that I could pull the trigger on. It's a good, easy-to-use, affordable gun for a suburban family worried about the apocalypse. I wouldn't call us a suburban family, but for my purposes, it works.

I've never had to actually use it, though. And your son, Sarge Jr., he's 10 years old. What does he shoot? He has a.22 rifle. And you guys go hunting and stuff? We do target shooting currently. He's still learning. We've been through safety stuff with him, but he's still learning how to aim and shoot.

I don't doubt that as a former Army Sergeant, you are giving him the best possible instruction and the care and responsibility of owning a firearm, correct? Correct. Right. Do you have any other weapons in the house? Long bows, crossbows? Do you have a sword? Half broken off bottles?

Ooh, a sword. Please tell me it's a samurai sword. It's not a samurai sword. Full disclosure, I think it came from a Renaissance fair, so I'm not sure of its use. Even a Ren Faire sword in a pinch can go through the gut of the head of a cannibal gang who's invading your home. That's basic army training, is it not?

That is. Right. So I would say just based on this so far, Carrie, your plan with regard to sticking close to Philip slash Sarge should civilization collapse is also my plan now. So please send me your address as soon as possible. But Philip, let me talk to you a little bit more about your plan. You want to take over the Walmart. Correct.

Okay. Tell me a little bit in your own words about your plan. The idea is basically we are a stone's throw away. I look at the back of Walmart every time I walk out of my house. Getting there, my neighbor who is on board with me in this plan, we can get there and just kind of get the ball rolling. The Walmart itself has enough to sustain 30 to 50 people for about a year and a half. There's backup power generators. Everything is basically handled except for security going there, as opposed to getting lost in the woods and you have to think about everything, security. And so that's the general basics behind my idea.

How have you come to the determination that it could support 30 to 50 people for a year and a half? Actually guessing. Okay, that's fine. He also, I mean, this is his case to argue, but he also has a friend who's an insider and kind of has some statistics and such. Oh, you have a man or woman inside? Yes. And given that it's at a Walmart employee?

It is. So they very well may be locked inside. Not only are they inside, they may not be able to leave. Right. Just a little leftist union humor there for you. Okay. You say you have a neighbor who is on board with your plan? Yes.

Is he the sort of person who doesn't recognize the U.S. flag if it has tassels on it? Not exactly. All right. So how many people, you say could support 30 or 50 people, right? Right. How many people do you have lined up so far for your survival gang? We've got probably, I've got about 12 or 13 that are willing to do the initial, and then they're family members. These are 12 or 15 guys, and then they're family members, kids, and whatnot.

So probably near to 30. You have 12 or 15 guys and they're family members? Right. Have you discussed this plan with them so far? In parts to various people. Okay. But like casually over beers while shooting at things? Or

have you rented out a conference room at the local Radisson and invited everybody by to show them your PowerPoint presentation? Don't fool yourself. We don't have a Radisson here. Sorry. What would it be? We have a Moultrie Inn. Okay.

Are you sitting down? I just want to gauge the level of your seriousness, because you've obviously given it some thought. Oh, definitely. So you have in your mind picked out 12 to 15 family members, leaving presumably another 10 to suffer and die. And have you broached this subject with them seriously?

With my neighbor, definitely. He's really good for the time. What is your neighbor's name? His name is Chip. Okay. Yeah, Chip, I'm sure, is completely on board. Does he have a family as well? He does. Including five children. Oh, so Carrie, maybe you don't want Chip in the bunker because his kids will eat you out of Walmart and home.

His kids are delightful. However, I should add that his wife is completely on my side to the point where last week she told me in a private text message that we could leave the men, take the children, and let them die in Walmart. All right. that we could leave the men, take the children, and let them die in Walmart. All right. Here's what I want to hear from you, Carrie, because frankly, you know, Phil has military training. Yes. He's already done recon via his inside operative of the Walmart.

Upsettingly, yes. He's talked it over, perhaps even more upsettingly, he's talked it over with Chip. Yes, yes. And he's obviously got some plans to do it. Tell me, A, why his plan is bad, and then, B, what the alternative would be. Okay, A, the plan is terrible because Walmart is literally the biggest building in our city, and it will be the first place that at least 80% of everybody in this town will think to go to. I think that Walmart is so big that it would be impossible to actually defend for any decent amount of time because you would just have to be constantly shooting people. And if, especially

in a situation where humanity is becoming scarce, the last thing I think we should be doing is killing off the remaining people. We should be trying to either help each other or at least stay far enough away from each other not to hurt each other. How is going to Walmart and then having to fight and shoot other people any different than going to Walmart on a normal day? It is not. It's the exact same thing. Or it's on Sundays. Phil, this raises a good point, which is I can certainly understand your plan in a vacuum. And I am in a vacuum, a hyperbaric chamber right now, by the way.

So I can certainly understand your plan. And I can certainly understand your plan in the hypothetical situation of a fictional apocalypse, like a zombie apocalypse, where you not only wouldn't feel bad about, but would be obliged to shoot your neighbors in the head. But what would be the trigger event for you going to Walmart? And then what would you do with the people who were already in Walmart once you and your survival clan got there? I guess a trigger would be things like, I mean, if eight or ten nuclear weapons go off in this country in major cities. Right.

We know that the whole country is, well, we can assume the whole country is just going to go nuts for a little while. So that's one thing that would just be an immediate, oh, now it's time to go. All right. Plan is in place. All right, sure. Let's use that then. Let's say there's a major attack on the United States and you hear that that has happened and you are convinced that civilization is going to collapse.

At that point, I can't imagine you're the only person in southwest Georgia who has thought of this plan. So you and your clan are going to hit on Walmart. Probably there will be other loosely organized clans converging on it at the same time. And there are going to be people in there who are just shopping who haven't yet heard the news that civilization is over. Right. What's job one? is over. Right. What's job one? Job one is to create a little bit of a ruckus in the probably in the back to try to herd people into leaving as many as possible that will actually leave. He means a violent ruckus that makes me upset. Like a flashback or something.

You know what, I'm going to save yourself from explaining the point-by-point strategy, tactical strategy you have for clearing and securing the Walmart for two reasons. One, I was never in the Army, but I can imagine war isn't pretty, and any description of it is not going to sound good. Right. And two, at that, you know, if in a real situation and civilization has collapsed, people are going to be making some very hard choices, such as sending their neighbors who are innocently shopping to their death by clearing them out of the Walmart by making a ruckus. And three, it will that would in a survival situation keep you alive longer than my unwillingness to talk about it would keep me alive. But I'm just going to save you from yourself and just say your plan is to occupy Walmart, to get as many people who are in the Walmart, let's say, to voluntarily either leave or join your group. Correct. Okay. And then to secure it against the other people who might be coming for you.

Correct. And then live there for a year and a half. And then hopefully society will have rebuilt itself and absolved you of your crimes. Correct. What happens if you clear the Walmart and society doesn't end up collapsing? Then I'm probably in trouble. I hope you factor that into your plans. Okay, so Carrie, I've heard that argument as to why Walmart might not be a good idea.

What alternative do you suggest, realistically? Realistically, in the short term, I've thought about taking over or grabbing an RV or a bus. Why does everything involve taking over or grabbing or commandeering or looting? I wouldn't have to steal an RV. My parents own a couple of RVs. I would go out and grab one of their RVs. I would go over to their house and create a ruckus and then force them out of the RV.

My plan is really just for in the initial attack of whatever it is, just to get away from the chaos because I feel like no matter what's happened, the most dangerous thing is going to be frightened groups of people. Yeah, but don't you think so many of those people will also be taken to the roads? How will you navigate to wilderness in an RV on roads that are clogged with, I don't know, other cars? You're right on that.

I was going to say Mini Coopers, but I don't think you have that many of them down there, do you? We have one. One lady owns one. She's trying to sell it right now. It's probably a good deal right now. That could be your escape pod. Philip would be the navigator in that situation. Honestly, I'm a photographer.

I'm useless. I know I'm useless. But Philip, also known as Sarge. Sarge. Sarge. And I have some evidence that you presented here of Sarge sitting with his rifle in a Jeep Wrangler, painted green, with his shotgun. And it says Sarge on the side

of it. This is your Jeep Wrangler, sir? It is. There's a sword in the backseat too. Thank you. I did notice that you have an extra can of gas strapped to the outside. Right. Looks pretty good. You keep it in good condition. You painted it yourself. You put Sarge on the

side of it. No. I actually bought it like that. Oh, is that why they call you Sarge? No. Can I tell the story? Okay. Quickly. Phillip was at a bar and somebody came in and said, dude, I saw a Jeep with your name written all over it. Because, you know, we all talk with those accents around here.

And Philip said, really? Like what, surfer accents? Dude. Yeah, that's how we talk. And Philip was like, you saw a Jeep that looks like me? And he was like, no, it literally says Sarge on the side. You have to go buy it. So he went and bought it that day.

Wait, Philip, your first thought was, it's a Jeep that looks like me? Like, is it a Jeep in the shape of my head? Yeah. So there's another Sarge in town? There is not. Not anymore. Based on this picture of you with a gun and a sword And his jeep What is this huge smokestack

That you've put onto the side of the jeep That's the intake So you can drive the thing almost underwater I like the way you think, Philip You're going to take this with you, right? Correct I think this thing would be a lot more useful than an RV, don't you? I do.

What else is wrong with Carrie's plan? I think the biggest thing is the fact that if you head off into the wilderness, you've got everything to worry about immediately. Food, unless you happen to have food storage and MREs and hanging around your house, which some people do. and MREs and hanging around your house, which some people do. But may I point out, what you're basically asking the Walmart to do is do your stockpiling for you. And what you're doing is you're trading the convenience of not having to stockpile your own chemically preserved food in vats at home for Walmart doing it. at home for Walmart doing it. And the price you're willing to pay should civilization collapse is the murder of your neighbors, some of whom may be coming at you, and some of whom may simply be trying to buy a giant vat of mayonnaise. I'm just pointing that out. You could have all that stuff. I figure Walmart inconveniences me

anytime I have to go in there. So a little give and take would be nice. Convenience is me anytime I have to go in there. So a little give and take would be nice. I don't think Walmart is going to bear the suffering of your commandeering. You're turning yourself into a General Bethlehem. Yeah. And you know, I mean, you might not recognize his words, but you know what I'm talking about. Having watched The Postman within eight months.

Carrie, where is it you're going to go? What place have you staked out in the wilderness that would be safe? I can't say that I've staked out a place, but we live in an area that's got a lot of uninhabited land. Excuse me, Carrie. Uninhabited by man. Oh, you are so right. I'm sorry, Carrie. Uninhabited by man. Oh, you are so right. I'm sorry, animals. I mean, if this is southwest Georgia, what do you have down there, Phillip?

Oh, bears. Bears. Panthers. Snakes. Georgia panthers. Georgia snakes. Well, we also have a lot of birds. Pterodactyls.

No pterodactyls. Alligators galore. Skunk apes. We have, I think we call that the Yeti. What do we call that here? I don't know. Wait a minute. Do you have a cryptid in your midst? Do you have like a Bigfoot type creature down there that I should know about?

We have a friend who would probably be going with us that thoroughly believes that we do. Oh, is it Chip? No, it's John. Different friend. Yeah, he has a website dedicated to the hunt for Bigfoot. Well, we'll table that for another discussion. Please, please. But my point is that there's plenty of possibility and likelihood that if we drive for a day, we can easily find a hunting

cabin that we wouldn't have to kill anybody to take over. And then we would have shelter. But what if you do? I don't know. I'm telling you, I am so useless in this situation. I just don't want to go to Walmart. I think that's the perfect place to stop. I know everything that I need to know in order to form my decision. I'm going to my survival chambers, and I will get back to you shortly. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Carrie, it seems like a bad decision in a time of crisis not to trust two men, best friends named Chip and Sarge.

I agree. Sarge, do you genuinely believe that you could hold down this amount of territory or that you're enough of a leader of men to create an army large enough to hold down this territory, sort of Red Dawn style, but without the benefit of already being the quarterback? I think it's very possible. I think barricading is pretty easy. I'd like to also add that Kerry has zero sense of direction. So not knowing where we're going and all up in the wind, it just doesn't sit well with me. That's why you're saying where to go, just not to Walmart.

Kerry, Philip, please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. You may be seated. Look, guys, I think about this a lot, and I wrote almost a whole book on this entire subject, which is now available for your purchase for your survival bunker called That Is All, which is very much about end-of-the-world and end-of-civilization-type scenarios. The rest of the book is filled out

with information on wine and sports. But I do truly think about it, because I think that it is, on the one hand, literally not completely implausible that something unexpected like an attack or a calamitous event might force you to go find shelter somewhere. I think about it a lot because as an asthmatic person, I'm basically an albuterol cyborg. If I don't have access to my inhaler, I will not last three days. I'm that much a creature of civilization. And I think about it beyond just the literal to the metaphorical, because when you think about it, the end of the world is a little bit like death. You know it's

coming. Evidence is mounting that it's coming more quickly. And yet a lot of people choose to deny it for a long period of time. So I welcome this opportunity to engage you in this conversation in all of its funny moments and in its darkest moments, because you are actually talking about some dark stuff. And as I say, Carrie, you have a good husband in such a situation because he actually has training in the hard things that might have to happen should civilization collapse. prides himself, as I presume you do, in taking care of your family. And in your tactical know-how of taking over a Walmart and the fact that you have a Jeep that can go underwater, you are ridiculously not particularly self-sufficient for a person who owns as many guns as you have.

If your survival plan, and this goes to you too, Carrie, because your first thought was, well, steal an RV. If your survival plan essentially and this goes to you too, Carrie, because your first thought was, well, steal an RV. If your survival plan essentially comes down to, I will pillage and loot in the most sensible place to pillage and loot, then you are the zombie apocalypse. You are a ravaging monster looking only to consume. You are basically the Occupy Wall Street of the post-Ragnarok landscape. You think the way they think society owes them a living, you think society owes you survival. Do your own stockpiling and take a bath, hippies. The reality is that if you were to take over this Walmart under any circumstances,

it would mean a lot of bloodshed. And I think that doing that in front of your wife and son would change you darkly forever. I think that Carrie's suggestion is bad in that it lacks specifics and it lacks certain practical considerations. An RV is a protection from nothing. And I would suggest, since you have a prosperous photography studio and wish to take this seriously, that you consider a couple of options. That you create, essentially, your own Walmart. You might just rent a warehouse somewhere in a semi-industrial part of your state.

I bet you have them. You can stock it up with all the MREs and giant vats of Utz cheese balls and anything else you might want from Walmart. Just for yourself. Lock it up. No one's going to be in there. No one's going to know that it's a Target. In fact, there's no bigger Target than a Walmart than Target, right? And you can go have your wonderful, all the pleasures of living in a warehouse for a year and a half

without the moral quandary of having to murder people to do it. Even though we are talking about a situation in which civilization would collapse, I think it is not a situation in which you want to abandon civilization completely and become monsters in order to survive. Therefore, this court orders that you abandon all plans to take over and occupy the Walmart before you are thrown in jail and look at some property, at least as a fantasy, in the area in which you can create maybe just a nice country place and you can put some canned food in the basement and you know you can get there with your jeep if the worst comes to happen this is the sound of a gavel judge sean hodgman rules that is all please rise as judge sean

hodgman exits the courtroom how do you feel carrie i feel great i think that's actually a pretty phenomenal idea uh and for some reason it never occurred to to Philip or I, as far as I know, to actually do something like a warehouse or a second home. Philip, do you think this might save your marriage? I think so. I never took the moral side of things in doing the plan. Just kind of leave that in the back. But now when it's put in your face, I kind of go, you know what, Carrie may have been

right. Could I add something in response to that? I don't want anyone to think that Philip is a bloodthirsty, crazed killer, man. He's a really wonderful husband and father and takes good care of us. So please, please nobody call the police on him. No, let me let me just jump in. Again, I certainly don't think that about you, Philip. And I think that you are, as I say, you're thinking about it in the abstract. And a lot of people won't even take that step. And, you know, a lot of people, if some emergency comes to their door, which they do not expect, whether it is the end of the world, the 700 ancient unspeakable gods, or just a terrible flood, are going to find themselves caught up short without any idea of what to do.

So I don't think it's wrong to create scenarios, but I do think it's important to just think through realistically, do I want to murder my neighbors? And I clearly, clearly, you do not have that in mind. Correct. Right. What do you think Chip is going to make of this whole thing? I know Chip. I think Chip was really into the taking over the Walmart thing, though, right?

He was. He's a pretty rough guy. Might benefit from being adopted by an upper middle class family who could teach him the benefits of discipline and playing offensive line on a high school football team? Probably. Great. You should send him a copy of the movie Waterworld.

Thank you very much for submitting to my authority today. Thank you. Thank you for your time. I'll see you. When you have finally kitted out your your bunker. Please send me the coordinates. All right, good. I'll come. I'll come over and we'll share some powdered food. Fabulous. Judge John Hodgman will return in chambers in just a moment. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you

every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org, and they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network. Boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft.

And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made-in pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're made-in, made-in. The Rohan duck, made-in, made-in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made-in, made-in in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs.

Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional-grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in, made in. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N-Cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel.

Did you know that learning, the experience of learning, causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. That's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world and you get to hear the sound.

It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription,

but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney,

is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm.

Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D Ah, it'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah! We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org If you need a laugh and you're on the go. It's always good when you know the family's going to stick together.

I'm sorry, Jesse, I couldn't hear you. I'm eating this can of beans. Shall we clear the docket, Judge Hodgman? I should hope so, yes. Here we have a letter from Kyle. He writes to say that his friends and he often have a very spirited debate on the portrayal of zombies in film. Specifically, the debate centers on the speed at which the zombies move. I'll spare you the further paragraphs and paragraphs of email and cut directly to

so which is it? Should zombies be portrayed moving sluggishly or quickly? It is indeed. Well, it's forever to be a debate because A, it's entirely fictional. It's never going to happen. And B, great arguments have been made on either side. I would say that a lot of people would expect me to be the purist, but you have the two greatest arguments for both sides, which are The Dawn of the Dead and The Dawn of the Dead, the original and the remake.

Both extremely good films. Dawn of the Dead, the remake, largely credited with introducing the fast zombie, and I think if I had to choose, I probably would watch new Dawn of the Dead again, not for the fast zombies, but Ty Burrell's amazing performance as the jerk bag, which is not in any way to take away the beauty of the original Dawn of the Dead.

I just mean to say, slow zombies and fast zombies can live together because neither of them can eat the other. So there. Okay, here is a question about emoticons from Quinn. Quinn writes, my fiance and I feel that the emoticon of a tongue sticking out made with a colon followed by a capital P can be taken two ways. One way is mild bemusement or small victory. For example, I picked up some ice cream for you, tongue sticking out. And the other way is that of disappointment, such as, we are out of ice cream, tongue sticking out.

However, if a hate statement is not intrinsically happy or sad, he feels that the emoticon defaults to the happy meaning. Well, I feel it defaults to the sad meaning. So if you were to say to me, my diet starts today, tongue sticking out, he would mean it as, hooray, I've begun my endeavor to live a healthy life. I would interpret it as, bummer, I've got to stop eating so much ice cream. So what is the true default meaning of this stupid thing? Well, normally in questions of linguistics and etymologies and definitions, I would call upon Emily Brewster of the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, but in this case, I feel not even she would have an answer. These hieroglyphics are

still new enough and not well documented enough to have standard, stable meanings. They're constantly being redefined as languages, but this time at the speed of internet. And indeed, I think much like Fast vs. Slow Zombie, this is a situation where either argument could be argued till the end of time and make perfect sense and no one would ever possibly win. However, unlike the argument Fast Zombie vs. Slow Zombie, I do have an injunction to make here, which is neither of them win. Please don't ever use that emoticon or every emoticon ever again. I think it's completely juvenile and really makes me not take what you write seriously.

So stop doing it. That's all we've got on the docket today. All I would suggest to our audience is that they remember to send us in their cases at Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. And that they visit MaxFunStore.com to check out our new t-shirt and poster. MaxFunStore.com. MaxFunStore.com. It is a place of commerce. It is a domain of commerce where you can buy the new Judge John Hodgman poster and t-shirt.

The change is complete. No survival bunker would be complete without a change is complete bunker poster and bunker t-shirt. You can wrap the t-shirt around an MRE and use it as a potholder after you have heated it up in your microwave. You can use the poster as kindling for your in-home fireplace. Why don't you go check it out? Time is running out because the world is ending. The t-shirt is excellent at separating curds and whey. Perfect. The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org.

Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support this show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Matt Gourley. His great podcast, by the way, is called Super Ego. You can find it in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at AreasOfMyExpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman,

email us and be sure and include your telephone number. The email address is Hodgman at Maximum Fun dot org. If you have thoughts about the show, you can always comment on it on our message board, forum dot Maximum Fun dot org. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.