Judge John Hodgman - Asparagus Plea Live in Portland

Episode Date: May 6, 2026

Is giving a "bouquet of asparagus" the same as giving a bouquet of flowers? How much screen time is too much on a flight? Is quiche good? All this and more, recorded live from Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon! If you're in LA or Brookline, catch JJHO: NIGHT COURT LIVE! Don't miss out. For LA tickets on 5/15 click here, and for Brookline tickets on 6/11 click here. Thanks to reddit user u/lovegiblet for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at reddit.com/r/maximumfun!   Judge John Hodgman is member-supported! Become a member to unlock special bonus episodes and more. Memberships start at just $5 a month. Just tap here!

It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I am bailiff Jesse Thorne, and with me, of course, Judge John Hodgman. This week's Judge John Hodgman episode was recorded live on stage in Portland, Oregon. A lot of listeners who were there for that moment have been waiting for this episode to come out because it was a bangor. And I'm not talking about Bangor, Maine or Portland, Maine. I'm talking about Portland, Oregon, where we talked about keesh recipes, screen time, whether or not it's acceptable to give your loved one a bouquet. of asparagus? Let's go to the stage at Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon.

People of Portland, you asked us for live justice and we are here to deliver it. The court of Judge John Hodgman is now in session. Welcome to the stage, Mary and Steve. Mary brings the case against her husband, Steve. Steve tries to keep their kids entertained personally on trust country flights. If all else fails, then he offers screen time. Mary says, why bother? Just give them the iPad now and let them watch as many dang movies as they want. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Mary and Stevie may be seated. Welcome to my courtroom. Mary, you think that your kids should have unlimited screen time on aeroplanes. Show after show after show

Okay I appreciate your owning Yeah A real cavalcade of stars Is what she's looking Where are you flying to and from This was inspired by our most recent flight From Charlotte, North Carolina

Back to Portland Okay We do a lot of cross-country travel to see animals Sure, you're a transcontinental family And Steve you disagree What do you want to entertain them yourselves What are you a protectioner of Neo vaudeville or something What are you

Doing a little meme A little walking against wind what for a lesson show? I'm committed to screen time happening, to be clear. I just want to... Do you want to leave here alive? I want to see how far we can get into the flight before we resort to staring at screens for the rest of the time.

Sounds like a science experiment you're running on your... Maybe a little bit. How old are these kids, Mary? They're five and seven. Five and seven years old. And what do they like to watch? Old Julia Child episodes, Black and White's the best before they turned into color. No good.

after that? That might be more me. They like to watch anything Pixar? Sure. A little bit of octonauts. Don't know it? Maybe 30 blueies in a row. Perfectly reasonable. Octonauts freaking rules.

I love nothing so much as a good creature report. Have you considered my episodes of Adventure Time, the two of them that I was in, just over and over and over again? to something to put on your playlist. What's your objection to this, Steve? Why you don't enjoy flying in peace?

Yeah. I like flying in peace. Something just strikes me as not great about them. Staring at the screen for four hours straight, right? Right. What do you do on planes? Because your boy just downloads a couple seasons of Dairy Girls and goes to town.

I stare at a screen for two hours straight, maybe, and take a break. Take a break. What do you do when you're taking a break? Maybe read. Stare out the window? I don't believe you. How do you share parenting duties on flights like this? Mary, you were about to say something else.

Oh, I was going to say he plays a bird-based video game on his phone. Like the record show that Steve lied to my face. How do you normally split parenting duties on? on an airplane. Either one of you can answer. Usually one of us is on. There's a child, parent, child in one row, and then the other parent

is in the other side. Just on the other side of the aisle. Right? So there's one on duty parent and one off duty parent. And do you split up between, like going east, it's you Mary, going west, it's you, Steve? That's how it worked last time. Okay. All right.

And so when Mary was on duty and you were off there in your seat reading a book by yourself, why couldn't you just leave well enough alone and let those kids watch whatever they wanted? Oh, I was, I did. Okay. It was only when I was the on-duty parent and trying to play games with my kids

or have them in color that she... What kind of games do you play with them? The trolley problem, philosophical? We're playing some sort of card game, and I was playing a card game, with one child and the other child was coloring and she got a little fussy. And within 10 seconds, Mary had leaned over from the other seat and asked the younger one if she wanted to watch a movie.

She who got fussy was the five-year-old, not the mom. Right, right. So I was trying to manage that and Mary leaned over and asked if she wanted to watch a movie. And of course, the other child heard that and said, oh, we're watching movies now. And so my parenting was done. You felt that your parenting, your agency had been stripped from you and now you were going to be sitting between like two episodes of blueie in off sequence. Like five seconds after.

Fair. What kind of things are you actually doing to keep them entertained? I mean, you can't exactly play tidly wings on an airplane. So one son and I were playing a card game managing on one of the tray tables there. And I think the other one was coloring. It was an attempt for about, you know, maybe we'll get 30 or 40 minutes into the flight, and then we will be watching something. This is because you want to be a responsible parent?

That is probably the urge, yes. Did this is it because you want to be a better parent than your spouse? I'm not sure I have a better response to that, yeah. Are you native Portlanders? Are you both proficient in competitive virtue signaling? Neither of us is a Portlander. I mean, the fact that we're even talking about letting your kids watch TV shows that to me. Yeah, as long as the cards weren't made of plastic, as long as they were wooden cards, I think you're okay.

Mary, why did you feel that you need, why don't you just let him deal with his problem? I think two things. One, I don't think moms are ever off duty as parents. That's usually the case. Mom in our family is the word for any kind of need you have, even if it's dad. But first it starts with mom. Yes, but don't you see how, and I absolutely agree with you. And I think that you should take that to heart, Steve, that you're not doing enough, even if you think you are.

Some dads don't understand that what dads call parenting duty is called parenting. Like, it's not a part-time job. It's all the time. I'm not saying that's you, Steve. I'm not saying that's you. Because after all, you actually want to engage with your kids. You don't want to just plug them in to watch, you know, four hours of I, Claudius, the way I made my kids travel around the country. The other thing I would offer is I am a bit of a nervous flyer.

Like, I do it plenty of times, but I have, like, a yoga breathing routine. I have to go through through different parts of the flight. Sure. So I would really love. Have you ever breathed in a Xanax? That would be smarter. The point I was trying to make, Mary, well, while absolutely hearing you and reinforcing your feeling that moms are often on duty no matter what

and considered primary parents some of the time, even though Steve is obviously an engaged parent, by interfering in his parent time, you're reinforcing to the kids that you're going to get that, you're going to let them watch TV as much as they want, and they're going to like you better, which is great, but then they're going to turn to you more, don't you see what I mean? That is true, except that what I'm answering them with is, an hour and 40 minutes of being blist out to Pixar rather than something in which they will need me further. Fair enough.

Fair enough. And at home, do you have a television policy or a screen policy at home that's different on airplanes? There's a Friday movie night and an episode or two of... So you're teaching, you're letting your kids know the days of the week? Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's just different from what I did. Right, right, yes. They know Fridays.

Yeah, yeah. I just wanted them to think of it all as a long blur of time. It's Friday nights, John. It's important to teach kids that it's 5 o'clock somewhere. Thank God or whatever. And so you have your own rules at home, but on the airplane, Mary, you would like it to be free for all, kids watch whatever. I wanted to be this special space that they look forward to

because it is just a movie bonanza. And instead of thinking, we live in Walla Walla, which is far from anywhere. So then they have to get to a city like this, and then they have to go to the East Coast. So it's like a 13-hour slog. And instead, they're thinking, like, I get to watch two Pixar movies and shows,

and they're all excited for it. And this, I would think Steve, have to be consistent one way or the other, right? It can't just be like, because you're going to be the bad parent every time. They'll never want to sit with you if you're playing cards with them and engaging with them as humans.

No one wants that. Are you willing to bear that burden? Like if I were to rule in your favor, right? When Mary's, you know, with the kids in the row, when Mary's flying with the kids on either side, you're going to just roll screens. It's just to me rolling screens the whole time. That's going to happen no matter what.

Are you comfortable towing the line, Steve, and holding the line with, we're going to do 40 minutes of text. is Hold'em or whatever you're planning about it. And then we're going to start working our way through season one of the wire. We're going to skip season two because it's no good. That's a great one. That's a great one.

But are you, because you're going to get some pushback from the kids. They're not going to want to sit with you. I have to say, I hadn't thought that far ahead. Right. But, but yeah, I think so. I appreciate that you're living in the moment. Kids are going to love it. Kids love the docks.

I would say they already, they already want mom more anyways, so I don't think that would be that different from their app. reality I live in. Here's the thing. I think that it is fair for you to have different parenting styles in this situation. I think that this will encourage

your kids to develop separate relationships with you, one of which will be more pleasant than the other. We'll decide with. No, they'll always remember that Dad played games with me when I wanted to watch movies, and that'll be something that they'll tell their kids, perhaps, if we choose to keep this

civilization going for some reason. Dad played cards with me, Mom, me watch Bloodsport. Mary, I think your approach is also perfectly fine. There's one thing that's wrong that you folks haven't figured out yet, which is that when it is Steve's turn to ride with the kids in the same row, you're across the aisle from them. You should be five rows back or in first class.

And get a real break. Yeah, get your status up. As long as you are not seated near them, then Steve can run whatever wild experiments he wants. This is the sound of a gap. Thank you, Mary and Swift Justice continues. Please welcome Jory and Harrison. Jory says that he makes a great keesh,

but his longtime friend Harrison refuses to eat it. Harrison says he's just not into keesh, but Jory says he just hasn't eaten the right keesh. Yes. Judge Hodgman? Jory Harrison, welcome to the court. Which one of you is Jory? Raise your hand, please? That's me, Judge. And Harrison, you don't like Kish.

That is correct, Your Honor. And is that because at some point you found in a used bookstore a copy of the proto-toxic masculinity Bible, Real Men Don't Eat Kish, published from 1982, and you read it, and you're like, hey, I could base a whole brand on this. That's roughly what happened. Start a whole Manusphere podcast? Terrific.

No, why don't you like Keech? I mean, I think that, as precedent of this court would say, I'm allowed to just not like what I don't like. Yes, I'll allow it. Would you like a wandjaker? You know, I would. Actually, I've been thinking about it ever since you brought him out.

There we go. So you do like some food. We've established that. I love food. See my legal trick there? Uh-huh. Yeah. He has great taste in food.

Simple country lawyer. Your honor. Oh, that's me. Let the record show that Harrison does eat food. And yet Harrison will not eat, Not only Kish, but his friend Jory's Kish. Let me just ask you this question.

People like what they like. You don't have to explain it. It would make it a lot more interesting and easier. For me, if you would explain it, is it a texture thing? Is it a flavor thing? Is it a... Were you forced to eat too much Kish as a child on an airplane with your dad? I think the origin probably happened in high school.

My mom... Oh, cafeteria Kish. I remember now. Oh, every Wednesday. Sorry, you were saying? My mom, who is a lovely human, got into a bit of a phase where she made quite a bit of keesh. This is probably an exaggeration due to trauma,

but I assume it was every day. Yes. And it was not pleasant. It was, I remember it being dry and very egg-fing. forward. Right as to say keesh. Right. Yeah.

But dry and eggy are two words that don't normally go together. I agree with that. More like dreggy. Yeah. Yeah, gross. Uh, Jory, you're still here. Hi, everybody. Thank you for being here.

Is your keesh, dry and eggy? I would not use those qualities to describe my keesh per se. I think the egg is purely there. to hold all the other beautiful ingredients in place. What are some of the other beautiful ingredients? Oh, by the way, round of applause from the quiche crab. Thank you. Seriously. Typically, I'll do a nice assortment of vegetables,

some fresh broccoli, some lacinto kale, some bell pepper, some chives on top. And I'll usually throw like a country pork sausage in it as well to kind of round it out. Oh, thank you. My friend is sharing the sausage with me. That's very kind of him. That is very kind of him.

And yet, you try to share food with your friend, and he says, no. It's not entirely reciprocal. I mean, he's eaten other breakfast items that I prepared for him. I made breakfast burritos one morning before hiking, and he liked those just fine. It's got the, you know, similar components to what's in the kiche. Yeah, but he has this childhood trauma, and since you're such close friends, I would have thought you had known about that. I mean, I've known, I've known Harrison for, what, five minutes, and already we've gone very deep. Did you know about his Kish trauma?

I was mildly aware. Maybe you chose not to be aware. I'm very proud of this Kish, and I think that if he would only open his mind to it, he could be expanding his food horizons a bit, you know? I care about him deeply, and I want this for him. I appreciate you went straight to the crux, such that I did not have to find it.

Nostalgia is a toxic impulse, Harrison. No, I can't. Yeah, well, that doesn't... Nostalgia is a toxic impulse, but trauma is real. This is true. Trauma has nothing to do with nostalgia. We're not thinking back like, oh, what a great time that was. When my mom made Kish every day to the point that I felt sick.

Have you come close to trying the Kish? No. Well, let's get you as close as you've ever been. We have some Kish here that Jory made. our wonderful producer Jennifer Marmer is bringing the Kish forward I'll take I'll take some Kish Jesse I'm gonna show I'm gonna show you exhibit Q for Kish Would you describe it for the listeners at home and the audience who can't see it?

I'm seeing some greens what looks like I have some I'm gonna guess that's the country sausage is that the country sausage there? There's some thick ropes of cheese in here Um, thick roast. You're not helping my case, thank you. Don't be gross, you nasty freaks. Let the record show that when I turn from the keesh back to the litigants, I noticed that Jennifer Marmer, our wonderful producer, has now brought out three more plates of keesh. Keep them coming.

And then the remainder of a whole keesh, I'm starting to have a flashback to Harrison's youth. Somehow. No more keesh. Looks like some tomato slices in here as well. It's not the kind of thing that I would normally eat. I'm a public radio host. I eat a lot of bologna sandwiches. That's the bell pepper.

It looks very delicious. And it also is accompanied with a little, some kind of like a salsa. This is an emulsified jalapeno garlic sauce that I made this morning. It really adds to the cause. That sounds really good. So, first of all, you're friends. How do you know each other and how long have you known each other?

We've known each other since we're five years old. Wow. We grew up in Montana together and both ended up out here. So we've just kind of been best pals for as long as we can remember. Did you ever try Harrison's mom's keesh? I never did. No, I missed that somehow. Yeah.

We'd hang out in the afternoons, and so the mornings were just, you know, after school and stuff. He escaped. What kind of after school snacks would you have? We mostly hung out at his house. My house and our friends... So you were hanging out of your house? What kind of after-school emulsions did you have? Mostly green ones like that.

Yeah. Yeah. Are you a chef by trade? I am not. No, I'm a musician. Oh, okay. Very good. And when you live here in Port?

I actually live an hour east of here in Hood River. So, yeah. Sorry, I forgot it's 2025. All right. All right, this is the moment of truth. Oh, Harrison, what do you do for a living, if I may ask? I'm a sixth grade. math and science teacher. Oh, wonderful. That's incredible.

You know, John, I think that in a certain kind of way, teachers are heroes. Thank you for your service. Jesse Thorne. Don't get me started on single mothers. You nasty freak.

Obviously, Jory, you would like to order, you would like me to order Harrison to eat this kish on stage and give it its day in court. if you will. Of course. All I want is for him to try it.

If he doesn't like it, I can't help him there. Harrison, are you willing to try it? I will not order you to eat this quiche. I am effectively finding in your favor because you are absolutely right. People like what they like. This quiche looks delicious, but out of friendship.

And no judgment from me if you say no. I can't speak for the people in the audience. But I will defend you if you decide not to have it. Judge, will you, will you try the keesh? Will I try the keesh? Hell no. Of course I'm going to try the keesh, Harrison.

If you try it, I'll try it. All right. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'm going to give you my impression first. I'm going to taste it. I'm going to give you my feedback, and then you can decide.

Let me know if it's draggy. I'm going to. I'm putting some of the emulsified jalapeno on there. And for the benefit of our audience, I'm going to eat loudly and on mic. Harrison, it's very nice. It's not draggy. Jory, you're right. It's not, it's, it's, oh, look, he's already digging in.

This is so exciting. How long have you been hoping that he would eat this keesh? Today or in general? Well, I would presume all of today. Correct How far back before today does it go? I know nostalgia is a toxic impulse That doesn't mean that you have to live life like a goldfish

You can remember Thank you, Judge. Oh gosh, maybe over a year or so now And before you eat Harrison, where did you get the recipe? Did you develop it yourself? What made you decide to create a kiche? Mostly to bother your friend, or was it? No, I don't like to...

We never argue about anything, really. This is one of the first things that's popped up. That's why we're here. We're going to solve the last and only argument. Truthfully, yeah. Smooth sailing after this. Are you going to do it, Harrison? Yeah, here I go.

Got a little of that emulsified jalapeno on it. Let the record show that Harrison nodded and said, it's pretty good. It's the sauce that makes it, though. I'd have this on anything. The sauce is pretty spectacular. Jesse, you want to taste a little. sauce. It's got some heat to it. It's spicy, but you know. Jesse Thorne's going to take a moment off stage while I wrap this up.

Sorry, Jesse. The sauce is really good. Harrison's going in for another bite. The friendship is complete. No conflicts. We're going to be okay. Harrison, I did rule in your favor. It's okay to not try something if you really have traumatic associations with it or for any other. but I do appreciate indeed your sixth grade teacher's willingness to demonstrate open-mindedness and trying of new things.

So thank you very much. And Jory, thanks for being a good friend. Thank you. And probably a pretty good musician. Thank you, Jory and Harrison. Portland, Oregon. Are you ready for mega justice? Let's bring out our litigants.

Please welcome to the stage. Julie and Brady. Tonight's case, Asparagus plea. Julie brings the case against her husband, Brady. Julie says Brady never buys her flowers. But Brady says that's not true. In fact, he gives Julie flowers all the time.

Technically speaking, who's right, who's wrong, and what is Brady even talking about? Only one can decide. Please rise as judge. John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural record. If you farm asparagus and you're more like a gardener about it and less like a farmer about it, you grab a piece of asparagus and you break it off, depending on how the asparagus is feeling.

The asparagus breaks off where it wants to break off. Belief Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in. Julie and Brady, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? help you, God or whatever? I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he has meat, pee, and asparagus sweats?

I do. I do. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Julian Brady, you may be seated. For an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors, can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered? The courtroom? I don't know.

Julie, what's your guess? something from Kenji Lopez Alt. Something from Kenji Lopez Alt. The great food journalist and sometimes guest on the Judge John Hodgman podcast, co-host of the great podcast, The Recipe, Kenji Lopez Alt. I love that guess. I'm even going to write it down. I'll remember it.

All right, Brady. What's your guess? Is that noted New England food writer John Thorn? Is it noted New England food writer John Thorn? I don't love that guess, I'm going to write it down. That's a fine guess. No, you're both wrong. You've never heard the fable of the asparagus farmer?

I guess you weren't at our Vancouver show, where a guy tried to use this metaphor that he made up about an asparagus farmer, pricking off asparagus, in a metaphor to explain why he rips his toenails off with his fingers. I remember it had a part where the asparagus farmer doesn't dig into the spragus farmer. soil. That was really important.

Yeah. I'll tell you what, that wasn't fair because you probably haven't heard our Vancouver show yet, because it just happened two nights ago and we haven't heard. I'm going to give you this one. Here's another one. This is a good one. I felt that these celestial hues indicated the

presence of exquisite creatures who had been pleased to assume vegetable form, who through the skies which covered their firm and edible flesh, allowed me to discern in this radiance of earliest dawn, these hinted rainbows, these blue evening shades, that precious quality which I should recognize again, when all night long after a dinner at which I had partaken

of them, they played at transforming my humble chamber pot into a bower of aromatic perfume. This is a quote about asparagus. Do you know who said that quote? Was it John Thorne, the famous New England foodway? I do not believe so. You obviously did not recognize the first. the words of the famous main author Marcel Proust. So we have to hear this case.

Julie, you say that Brady, your husband, correct, does not buy you flowers. And he says, you're lying. What, in fact, does he buy and bring for you as a token of affection instead of, in your opinion, flowers? Asparagus. Asparagus, of course. A bouquet of asparagus?

Yes. And in what context does he bring this? home to you? Well, so Brady does the cooking, most of the cooking in our home, and does the grocery shopping, which is great. Very nice. He'll bring the asparagus home because he knows I love it, and to keep it fresh, he puts it in a vase, which is great, except that he wants me to accept it as flowers, which is not great. Does this feel romantic to you? I mean, we've been. We've been. We've been. We've been married a long time. So, like, yes, it's the food is romantic. Thinking of what I like is romantic, but it's not flowers. It's not the gesture of romance that you would prefer. So Brady,

why are Julie's emotions wrong? I think, to be fair, it's not always asparagus. It is often rhubarb, and I think we have an exhibit. Excuse me, before you try to show an exhibit in my courtroom, may I understand correctly that you were saying? the problem isn't that it's asparagus, that Julie's wrong because it's not usually asparagus is mostly rhubarb, that's your defense? It is a seasonal offering. A seasonal offering.

We do have some evidence of your romantic tokens of affection. What we see is a Stein filled with rhubarb stalks, a beautiful bouquet of particularly dark, and turgid rhubarb, I must say. Dare I say Tumessen. Dare. You may dare.

You may dare. I mean, this isn't so much a love offering as it is a fertility symbol. I also must point out, I have noticed, Brady. Is that a scalyon on your lapel or are you just happy to see me? Oh, man. A... On reflection, Julie brought this case me and I began to reflect upon it and I thought back to my first Doctor Who, Peter Davison.

Peter Davison, who famously wore... The Fifth Doctor Who. Who famously wore celery in his lapel. Julie hates celery, so I did not do that today. I wore scowlion instead. Julie, how do you feel about the fifth Doctor Who? Which is your favorite Doctor Who? I'm neutral. I didn't really ever watch them. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. It's not, I mean, it's not an entirely unprecedented act. The King of England, when he was Prince of Wales, would often wear a leak on his lapel to symbolize whales. Oh, is that so? That's true. Oh. So Brady, how did you start bringing home stalks of asparagus and rhubarb and thinking,

this is a nice thing to present in lieu of flowers to my beloved wife, who's a whole human being in our own, right? One, they are, it is related to the seasonality of the fruit, of the vegetable. Flowers so much of the time are imported. They're not organic to the moment. Whereas rhubarb or asparagus, I went to the grocery store this morning, looked at asparagus, but it wasn't seasonal. This is not the time for asparagus.

It's not the time for asparagus. And where are you sourcing your, tokens of love? Sometimes from the garden. Sometimes. Your own garden? Yes. Oh, all right.

Well, I mean, you know, Julie Brady raises a good point, which is that, you know, he's getting a local product, a seasonal product, as local as, you know, your own garden, whereas flowers are often, you know, flown in. They have a big carbon footprint. They are, you know, not necessarily native. to this area, although there are plenty of flowers in Oregon, of course. They're excessively attractive. Yeah.

They smell good, and if you eat them, you're effluent, doesn't smell a particular way. Right. So the things that he's getting from our garden are irises, which I love, and which I grow primarily, and

tend primarily. So they do come from our garden sometimes. Oh, I'm sorry. I misunderstood. I thought the asparagus was coming. No. No. No. There's no Asparagus in our garden. Oh, okay. Great. Right. And we did try to grow rhubarb once, but it... There's only asparagus in your bedroom. So...

So you're saying that primarily he's killing the flowers you grew? Yes. Whereas I would prefer to have flowers from someone else's garden. Yeah, why don't you trespass in one of your neighbors and steal some of their... Do you have a particular neighbor's

garden that you covet that you'd like Brady to go sneak into? Well, there's some very, very nice among gardeners, farmers who bring flowers to our farmers' market that I would love for him to... So why don't you bring flowers from the

farmer's market, Brady? That sounds reasonable. I just never thought of it before. Yeah, I mean, I'm really having a stretch my freaking brain to catch it. Flowers for your wife? Have you... Have you ever spoken to Julie before?

Have you... Have you met? Have you ever watched a cartoon. Brady, do you, when you give asparagus or rhubarb bouquets to your wife, do you then eat them? Yes. In front of her,

alone? I usually present them. I arrange them. Yeah. In a vase. And I place... Arrangement is you... That word's doing a lot of work in confusing our listeners who may not be able to see this image.

You plonk them. Yes. You plonk the rhubarb in the court measuring cup or whatever that is. You show them to your wife. Then what happens? Then we wait three days. You wait three days. Is this a weird like midsummer ritual?

Why three days? To get the full value of the asparagus or rhubarb. Do you mean you're aging them or you mean they're three days as a love offering And then you go ahead and eat them. All right. All right. And you don't eat irises, do you? No, we don't.

No. I mean, there are edible flowers, of course, but ones that are given in a bouquet to a loved one are not typically eaten. So you have to admit that Brady's being pretty efficient here, right? Wouldn't you acknowledge that he's being efficient? Aren't you flattered that you are one of two very special birds he's killing with this one stone? after all he's expressing love for you and also getting much-needed fiber at the same time.

Doesn't that make you feel great? I mean, the cooking truly does make me feel great. It's delicious. He's a wonderful cook. But the very essence of a love token is that it's frivolous. It's given out of generosity. It's not trying to be thrifty. Would you say that Brady is particularly thrifty?

Very. What sort of examples might you give? Well, we walk a lot because parking is cheaper far away from where things happen. I see. Do you have a philosophy of thrift, Brady? Not an overarching one, no. No. May I ask Brady?

I just noticed another aspect of your wardrobe. Let the record show for those listening at home that Brady is dressed basically like anyone in the Pacific Northwest, boots, jeans, a zip-up vest. Surprise you're not wearing a quarter-zip. And yet you have two objects of flare, the aforementioned scallion, and then you're also wearing what looks like an extinct hockey hat. Is that correct? It is, yes. And what, you know that I am a fan of extinct hockey is my favorite sport?

Yes. Because it is the sport that causes me. the least stress because all the outcomes are known and they're all sad. What is the extinct hockey team you are supporting today? This is the Quebec aces, the precursor to the Nordiques. Which are, so it's a double extinct hockey team because the Nordiques, of course, are one of the, in the sad, sad history of extinct hockey teams, they are the saddest. Yes. Well, I mean, I would tell you the story, but we'd be here all night. So you're wearing this extinct hockey hat. You are aware that I am a fan of extinct hockey, and yet you purport yourself to be a thrifty person. How much money did you spend

on that single-use object to try to sway my opinion and bribe this court? Judge Hodgman, I happen to know that the store that sells that hat has been running a 25% off sale because I'm on their email list. And after three days, I might make you eat it. Christmas present from my son. from your son. Who did avail himself of the 25% off. Yeah. He's his father's son.

All right. So you did not purchase it specifically to sway my opinion in this case. All right. So Julie... It doesn't hurt. Julie has told you that she doesn't want to receive

asparagus bouquets and rhubarb bouquets. You want to receive flower bouquets. Why don't you stop this? I would count. I want to argue just plus flowers. I'm willing to... You're willing to add flowers to the repertoire. How do you feel about that, Julie?

That'd be great. It would be a pretty good compromise, right? It would be. But... I'm sure the listeners who didn't hear the beginning of this show are very confused. To know that tonight's theme, Courtesy, Bavarian meets Little Landjager,

motto of which is no compromises. So since there are no compromises allowed in the Court of Judge John. John Hodgman, what would you have me rule, Julie, if I were to rule in your favor? The asparagus and the rhubarb in the kitchen, in the refrigerator on the counter, probably in the refrigerator. There would be better. And I would like to receive flowers occasionally. How often?

Not on the major holidays. Like, Valentine's Day, it's a little much. Little on the nose. Yeah, a little on the nose. Just randomly whenever. From time to time. Surprise you with flowers from time to time. keep the magic alive.

Exactly. Brady, it says here if I were to rule in your favor, in fact, you would want me to order to expand the list of possible florals. Now, I want to get back to this

before you give me your list. Judge Hodgman, no sticks, no stems, no seeds. Your argument is that you are giving Julie flowers because asparagus are flowers. Do I understand that correctly?

Not so much that they're flowers, but that they're flowers, but that they are beautiful elements of nature. I've also brought in bowls of buck eyes or acorns. Julie, are you a squirrel or groundhog? Do you pound your own pemmigan? Brady might be later. So Brady, it says here that if I were to rule in your favor, you would want to expand the list of possible floral gifts. What does that mean? Maybe gifts to myself. Maybe I will adopt. Oh, good idea.

You know what? Sorry, Alang Yeager. Definitely compromise. The compromise is, you keep doing whatever you're doing, but add more gifts to yourself. Yes. The definition of a compromise. One person gets everything he wants. What gifts are missing in your life? Maybe I adopt the everyday lavalier of a...

Asparagus, rhubarb, Brussels sprouts. On my shirt. You're talking about adorning yourself with vegetables. And you use the term every day. So in other words, your proposed compromise is that you wear ruda begas around town and buy your wife flowers. That sounds great. You gift the vegetables to yourself.

Brady's thinking is that he'd like to be the sixth weirdest outfit in his Portland office. Julie, how do you feel about that? I'm not excited about that. Has Brady ever worn vegetables around before, or is this just a podcast thing that's going on right now? No, no, he, normally he does not wear vegetables. Do you genuinely want to start wearing vegetables around town? Like a, like the... He would if you told him to.

Please don't. Now I really want to Now I really want to What kind of what If that would be a real feather in your cap If I were to allow that to happen What would you wear instead of a feather in your cap do you think Um I

I do wear feathers in my hat sometimes Whoa He does So what would you put in there instead Dill That great idea right I thought so too I think I heard anything I need to in order to make my decision

I'm going to go into my chambers I'll be back in a moment with my verdict. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Julie, how do you feel right now about your chances in this case? I should not have encouraged the judge. I wish that I had not said that. Brady, you know, John and I have been on tour for like a week now,

and I'm going to be headed home to my wife who's been taking care of my three beautiful autistic children all week. And I spent the day walking around Portland, purchasing gifts for her, in the hopes that she would like and kiss me when I get home. And my wife, having been raised Catholic, feels that all gifts are an immense burden. And I just want you to know that literally all you have to do is get some flowers. I have to think of acts of service to commit. How are you feeling about your chances? I have Dill at home. I'm really excited.

As soon as he heard the word Dill, the rest of everything we said just was like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, we'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this in just a moment. Judge John Hodgman, we are taking a quick break from our show at Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon. Thank you so much to everyone who became a member of Maximum Fun, and everyone who's maintained their membership for years in the Max Fund Drive, we appreciate you so, so much, all of the thousands of you, keep our lights on, keep our staff employed, keep our microphones working,

keep our studios for litigants booked, and we could not be more grateful to every single one of you. Yeah, it was great to see so many of you in person and virtually during our Max Fund Drive finale, not too long ago. But you know what? That theater was a little small and quoth Randy Newman. I love L.A.

So I decided, why not come back on May 15th and do a real show? We're doing it at the Dynasty Typewriter theater where we have been before and had such a wonderful time. It's happening on May 15th.

That's just a little ways away. So go and get your tickets right now. Bit.org. That's all capital letters, all. One words, Nightcourt is coming to LA. That's our after-hours show. We're going to be hearing some disputes, sure,

but mostly we're going to be having a rollicking good time on stage with you in the audience, I hope. You probably know somebody in Los Angeles, even if you don't live in Los Angeles. Recommend the show to them. Make sure that they've heard about it. This is probably the tightest timeline we've ever announced a show on. So go get those tickets right now because the show is right around the corner. And honestly, the theater is not that huge.

So it will sell out. Why don't you go get some tickets for some friends? Nightcourt, LA. And what about my hometown of Brookline, Massachusetts? Well, you know I love heading back to Brookline in the Coolidge Corner Theater. And you know that Jesse is heading east. We're about to take a boat trip in Maine. That sold out very quickly.

So I said, Jesse, why don't we stop in my hometown of Brookline and do a show at the Coolidge Corner movie theater, one of my favorite places in the world. And so we're doing it. June 11th. June 11th is a Thursday, and it's also coming right up. And we're going to fill up that house and have another great time with another great episode of Nightcourt. With you and only you, well, not only you, I hope a bunch of your friends, too. Go get your tickets at bit.combe, right now. That is bit.combe, right now. That is bit.combe, bookline. And if you don't know, If you can't remember that, just remember all events are at maximum fun.org slash events. You know, springtime wedding season is upon us, John. A lot of June weddings.

I just want to mention if you're looking for gifts for bridesmaids, groomsmen, or the husband and wife, check out to Put This On Shop at Put This Onshop.com. Nothing better than a thoughtful, one-of-a-kind, vintage or antique gift for those special occasions. I mean, look, this works for birthdays and stuff too. But hit up Put This Onshop.com. If you got six groomsmen, you want to get them each a pair of beautiful vintage cufflinks. You will do a lot better in the Put This On Shop than you will at Macy's. I promise you that.

So go to Put This Onshop.com to get a beautiful little gift for somebody. Put This Onshot.com, dare I even say, dads and grads, you know who you are and how hard it is to buy gifts for each other. Put this onshop.com. That's where you go to get those gifts. Let's get back to the stage at the Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. Brady, I admire or at least acknowledge your style.

Your attempt to influence this court by rocking the swag of Peter Davison, the fifth Doctor Who, was a reasonable attempt at bribery. But of course, I am a Tom Baker man myself. Even though I think Peter Davison was and is pretty adorable. And I've admired the fact that he wore cricket outfit as Doctor Who, because I love any sporting outfit that involves a sweater. He is not my Doctor Who. So you went astray there.

as well, I thought you were wearing that hat in order to bribe me. It certainly caught my attention. I thought that you had purchased it in order to bribe me, and my intent was to accept that bribe and take that hat from you and rule in your favor. But I have since learned that it was a gift from your son, and indeed a generous one, because that is, of course, the soul of gift.

giving. The intent of gift giving is to give something that the other person wants but would not necessarily buy for themselves because they, well, but the other person wants but would not necessarily buy for themselves. At an example, when my father turned 40, which is impossible to imagine, because how does time work, but in any case, I mean, you'll be 40 soon enough. That's right. When my father turned 40, it was a big birthday, and I was old enough to know that I needed to get him a present for his 40th birthday. And so I thought long and hard about it, and I thought, what does my dad want,

that he doesn't necessarily even know that he wants? He certainly would never buy it for himself. I know my dad really well. What would he want? And the answer was, obviously, an infocom text adventure game for my Macintosh computer, which he held for 7.7.7. seconds before I took it away from him, went upstairs, and started playing.

We don't give the gifts that we want. We give the gifts that the person receiving them wants. That's, to me, the essence of generosity. I think that what you're doing is kind of a glorious and wonderful gesture. I do think that the rhubarb are beautiful, although suggestive, as well as the asparagus, beautiful and suggestive and also delicious. And yet two things are wrong. One, you're doing a quarter-ass job of presenting them. Like you could put them in a bow or a vase or something like that, make a little bit more of a production out of it. And too, Julie doesn't want it anyway.

I think that it's lovely that you think of your wife at all times walking through the supermarket. Maybe I'll get her some asparagus, whatever it is. But she wants you to buy her some flowers. It's as simple as that. So I must order you to do that. And in this regard, you win the case. However, I will say,

though the fifth Doctor Who is not my Doctor Who. And that scallion is not a piece of celery, which is what he wore on his jacket. You're rocking that thing amazingly well. And this is not a compromise. This is simply a side ruling, an observation. You wear whatever vegetables you want in your hat on your breast and in your life, sir.

But in the meantime, buy your wife some flowers. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules that. That is all. Julie and Brady, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. That's it for this episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you to Reddit user Love Jiblet for naming the case in this episode. Follow us on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. We're on TikTok and YouTube at Judge John Hodgman pod. Follow and subscribe to see our episodes and our video-only content. The Judge John Hodgman podcast was created by John Hodgman and Jesse Thorne. This episode recorded by our friend Matthew Barnhart. Megan Rosati, of course, runs our social media, the podcast edited by A.J. McKeon. Our video editor, Daniel Spear, our producer is Jennifer Marmer, and we'll talk to you next time on the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast.

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