Judge John Hodgman - Axed and Answered

Episode Date: July 22, 2015

Should Adrian be allowed to purchase an artisanal axe, flouting house rules about weapons?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm your guest bailiff, Monty Balmonte from WRSI in Northampton, Massachusetts, in for Jesse Thorne. This week, axed and answered. Jen brings the case against her boyfriend, Adrian. Adrian has his heart set on buying and displaying an artisanal axe in their home. Jen says it breaks her rule against having weapons in the home and opens them up to other beautiful but dangerous items. What's next? Hand-carved Imperial Jade Dragon Swords? Adrian says to the old battle axe,

from my cold artisanal hands, and that an artisanal axe would be a beautiful and practical item to own. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and issues the obscure cultural reference. Summertime guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, did I ever tell you about my dream axe?

No. Let me tell you about my dream axe. Seeing an axe in a dream foretells that what enjoyment you may have will depend on your struggles and energy. To see others using an axe foretells that your friends will be energetic and lively, making existence a pleasure when near them. For a young woman to see an axe in a dream portends her lover will be worthy but not possessed with much wealth a broken or rusty axe can you guess monty uh you that you're going to get some sort of disease illness exactly illness and loss of money and property. Pretty good. Guest mail of Monty Belmonti. Yeah. Swear him in. My dream axe is a 1968 gold top Les Paul. Oh, you're talking about guitars.

I got you. I'm talking about axes and dreams. I got it. Swear him in. Jen and Adrian, please rise and raise your right hands. Now, Jen, put your right hand on the table. Adrian, reach for your artisanal axe. No, no way.

No, stop. Neither of them have been committed of stealing. Not this country. Do you swear that you cannot tell a lie and that it was you who chopped down the artisanal cherry tree with an artisanal axe, so help you George Washington or whomever? I swear. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that using the wisdom

of Solomon and a sword, the judge may cut this baby right in half? Yes. I swear. Okay, good. You can swear too, John. Thank you, Judge John Hodgman. You may proceed. Guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, summertime again.

Thank you for joining us live from the studios of WRSI in Northampton, Massachusetts. 93.9 on your FM dial or on the internet at WR, what is it? The river, what is it? WRSI.com. WRSI.com. I come to you live from the radio stations of WERU in Blue Hill, Maine. 89.9 on your FM dial or WERU.org. Maine Community Radio, guess what it stands for?

We Are You. I figured that out last summer and I was so proud. I like it. Joel Mann at WERU is here engineering. We are talking via two radio stations to two human beings who are named Jen and Adrian. You may be seated for an immediate summary judgment. In one of your favors, can you name the piece of culture that I was paraphrasing as I entered the courtroom in my phony dialogue with Monty Belmonte?

Jen, you are the plaintiff. You bring this case before me for justice. You get the first swing at the bat. That's kind of a sports metaphor. What is it? It sounds like it's from Interpreting Your Dreams book, but I could not tell you the name of one. I think it probably did originate in an Interpreting of Dreams book, but that's not where I was quoting it from. Adrian, I'm certain you will not be able to guess, but why don't you try?

I'm totally uncultured, apparently. Well, it has nothing to do with—believe me, it has nothing to do with culture. I have absolutely nothing. Can you just make a guess? Oh, jeez. You should be right. No, it is not Jesus. All guesses are wrong.

It is neither the Proverbs of Jesus Christ, nor is it a printed dream journal that I know of. Here's what happens. and find this dream interpretation that I am sure is stolen shamelessly from a printed source describing axes and dreams. It's so beautifully literal. It could only be on the U.S. version of the international successor of the popular Slovenian teen site etalk.si, which has been online since 2006 i've just quoted to you the entirety of the about page of etoc.com this site is international successor of popular slovenian teen site etoc.si uh but i don't even think it begins to describe the weirdness of this site etoc.com the the the top navigation bar is separated into these categories baby names

numerology love time fortune teller biorhythm calculator body mass index calculator and dreams that i'll take love time for 400 all right hodgman we obviously have a slovenian teen in the audience in the form of guest bailiff monty belmonte because they love numerology and love time. Anyway, there's no way you could have guessed it. I didn't. What was I going to do? Quote, so I married an axe murderer. It's not even a movie I've seen.

So that's the one I came up with, you guys. Dream axe. So neither of you got that right. So we're going to have to hear this case. Jen, Adrian is your boyfriend, is that correct? Yes. Of some time, 3.5 years? Three and a half years.

All right. And you cohabitate without being married? Yes, we do. And you made an agreement that you would have no weapons in your home? Well, originally I had said no guns because adrian used to hunt um i didn't know i needed to widen sort of the field that much until this dispute happened he found a loophole and now wants to put an axe above your shared mantelpiece yes you would like me to order him no way. Is that correct? Yes. Alright.

Adrian, you guys are what ages? I am a young at heart 33. I'm 28. Thank you very much Jen for acknowledging that you are young and so are you Adrian, 33. You don't have to be young at heart. You were talking to a middle-aged man

with terrible summertime facial hair and which is an evolutionary signal to all around that i no longer deserve physical affection you are young enjoy enjoy your your your youth you are young enough to be silly enough to want to put an axe above your mantelpiece which you will never use other than to look at. Why is Jen's prohibition of axes above mantles wrong? I mean, I think first of all, just from a, you know, I'm no lawyer, but from a legalistic perspective, you know, I was more than welcome to go with the no firearms deal that she had originally laid out. And I wasn't even going to try to game that system, you know, with, you know, looking

at the definition of an actual firearm in our great country of Canada. And I don't know, it just, it kind of rubbed me the wrong way where it just came out of nowhere when I first saw that one beautiful axe that I wanted. It just kind of striked me as a nonsense rule. So I don't know what about that it was that just put me over the edge, but I figured you were real stubborn about it. You are not a lawyer. What do you do in Canada? I manage a compliance team for a bank up here. Oh, well, it's basically the same as a lumberjack. Jen, are you also a Canadian citizen?

Yes, I am. And what do you do up there in Canada? I am an editor. Of what? Textbooks for kindergarten to grade 12. So obviously you have to carry a gun to work. Yes. You have to carry a gun to work.

Yes. But no, so you, Adrian, you are licensed to own a firearm in Canada. You're the one that they allowed. It's one per year, right? One person per year or maybe one man, one woman? That's correct. Just out of curiosity, so you are a hunter or have been a hunter? I used to live in our great capital, Ottawa. And when I was there, my roommate got more and more into hunting because he was originally a city boy.

And it turned out that it was fun to go out shooting. So I jumped through the pre-recursive hoops up here to get my license. I bought myself a gun. Are there really hoops? Is that what it is? Because I think that just jumping through three hoops is how you get a gun in Texas. In Canada, I imagine it's a little bit stricter. And what did you hunt for when you were hunting in Ottawa?

Oh, I didn't actually do any real hunting, just target shooting. Oh, okay, yeah. I like shooting guns at targets. That's fun. What were you shooting? I mean, I'm talking about inanimate targets, you know, like clay pigeons and junk. Yeah, just, I guess, pieces of paper at a range. Junk.

Yeah. Yeah. What kind of gun were you shooting, a handgun or a rifle? Mostly rifles, shotguns and.22s mostly. And did you ever throw axes at targets? I did not, although there is actually about a five-minute walk from our house. There is what's called a backyard axe-throwing league. Sure. Well, you live in Canada.

Yes. Where do you live in Canada? We're in downtown Toronto. And downtown Toronto, there's a backyard axe throwing deal? What? It's also, my understanding, it's also BYOB. What? Most of them. Is that so you bring your axes and your beer and you just throw them? I'm not sure if you're able to bring your own axes.

I'd assume that you'd be able to. Well, then why would you want to have your own axe? First of all, let me say that I will be in Toronto on September 29th performing as part of the Toronto Just for Laughs Just Pour Rire festival. And you know I'm going to that urban axe throwing outfit. There are many of them, actually. It's amazing that Toronto has backyards at all. I'm going to do an axe throw BYOB pub crawl.

So why do you want this axe? You work at a bank. You shot some guns. And now you want an axe in your work at a bank, you shot some guns, and now you want an axe in your home? Tell me what it's all about. I think it's just kind of aesthetically pleasing, you know, evoking that old-timey British manor feel of, you know, the firearms over the mantle, of course,

trying to act in accordance with uh my girlfriend's wishes of no firearms though are you saying that if are you saying that if if you're if uh jen had not prohibited guns in the home you would have put rifles up there um no i mean maybe if i lived in some sort of sprawling manner out in the country and was 100 years old and an actual robber baron or something. Then maybe. That is my Dream X. Go on.

I mean, I don't think it'd be... I understand the no firearm thing and I think it's because I know different cultural norms and everything. But up here, that would definitely be a no-go with respect to some of the legalistic requirements regarding firearm storage. So you're saying you would like to have firearms above the mantelpiece, but because that's both romantically and legislatively impossible for you, you're going to get an axe.

Yeah, basically. But I mean, also, why not? Why not? And sward? No. I'm just trying to get a sense of whether there is any intrinsic attachment to acts at all in this equation, or whether it's all just, well, I ruled everything else out, acts is what's left. Acts are cool. I think they're the thinking.

Why are they cool? How do they speak to you? What's going on here? I just think it's something that there's been a lot of history with respect to humankind and this sort of hand tool going back. And the particular axe I saw was beautiful and hand forged and everything. That sort of attention to detail that you don't really see in a lot of mass-manufactured stuff these days. Now, you sent in as evidence the specific axe that you want to buy. Yes, I did. This is item number 4901, the Gransfors double-bit axe,

based from Gronsfors, Brook, Sweden, axsmiths. And this is a, this is, this, this is a pretty,

this is a pretty gimly looking axe. You know what I'm talking about? This is a double sided war axe. Just so people understand it's 75 centimeters or 29 and a half inches long with a cutting edge of 16 centimeters or 6.3 inches weighs 1.9 kilograms or 4.2 pounds sheathed in a vegetable town leather would you get 490-1 or 490-2 which has the longer handle at 89 centimeters so you can use it as a working axe in the forest you would get which one the longer handle the longer handle really all right i think if you're gonna get if you're gonna

get the axe get the axe exactly and uh and so what this the what what do you like about this axe um it's it's just you know simple kind of imposing, I guess. It looks like just a beautiful chunk of wood and a chunk of metal, and it seems kind of simple, but just beautifully put together. It's kind of hard to say, right? It's just, this is my axe. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. Exactly. It's the Axeman's Creed.

And you want to get one axe? You don't want to get two axes and cross them i i think that would be uh uh pushing the boundaries of uh my relationship a little bit far um but that's kind of my fear because adrian does tend to buy one thing and then it just morphs into we have 10 of something. Is this a slippery slope situation? Yes. Jen, are you afraid that if you allow one axe, all of a sudden it's going to be samurai swords above your bed, and you're going to be sleeping with that guy?

Yep. I know you were talking about swords earlier, and that's something where I think I have enough self-control to draw the line. I don't ever want in my life become a sword guy that's uh how would you if you if i were to ask you to define in a way that might convince your girlfriend to allow you to get an axe how would you differentiate sword guy and axe guy uh i i would i would say that um myself you knowd axe man. You know what? I don't want you to jump into this.

I really want you to make a really good argument. So I'm going to ask you to pause for a moment. I'm going to ask Jen some questions. Okay. So you think over that, all right? Jen? Yep. You've seen this axe that he wants to buy?

Well, the one he sent you is different from the one we saw, the one he initially wanted to buy. The one he sent you is a little uglier. All right, then. I was going to ask you a series of questions like, are you afraid that like having a gun in the home, an intruder might use this axe against you? Yes! Oh, you are? You're afraid of that?

Okay. against you are you worried oh you are all right you're afraid of that okay are you afraid that adrian is gonna he's gonna wake up and sleepwalk in the middle of the night and somnambulistically chop you up no but and then i was gonna then i was gonna ask you let's get to the crux is this axe ugly uh i was gonna slowly tease out of you the admission that this is an ugly axe and uh and and then we would have a huge moment but you jumped the gun you said this is an ugly axe and i gotta and i gotta tell you everyone's entitled to their own taste but i don't like this axe this axe looks like uh this axe looks like cosplay axe it's like lord of the rings axe yeah i don't like it. I mean, I love work personship of all kinds, but this is not the axe that I would choose for my mantelpiece.

And let me look at your mantelpiece. You sent in a picture, did you not? Yes, we did. All right. This is the stately manor where the axe will be displayed. And what I see here, and you can check it out on MaximumFun.org, is an empty fireplace that is clearly no longer in use. It's a white tile fireplace that instead of having a fire in it, it looks like you have a power strip, a surge protector in there. There is a nice gray chair with a black Labrador mutt on it on one side of the fireplace and the dog's wire crate on the other side of the fireplace. And then above the fireplace, you have a silver rhinoceros or hippopotamus on the mantle. And above the mantle, a ceramic head.

It's actually a paper mache rhino. A paper mache rhino. So is that a silver rhino on the mantelpiece? It is, yes. And who's got the rhino on the mantelpiece? It is, yes. And who's got the rhino fetish in your family? That would be me. All right. So you own a lot of this real estate already with your rhino thing.

Yes. Are you just trying? You just don't want him horning in? Oh, my gosh, Joel, man. Up here at WERU, we are laughing it up at my pun. Oh, my goodness. I loved it. Thank goodness. I loved it. Thank you.

I hated it. I'm sorry I ever said it. You just don't want him to move in on your mantelpiece real estate? No, like, I'm okay. We decorate the house together. You know, a lot of the things that have come in since we've moved together, we've chosen together. A lot of the things that have come in since we've moved together, we've chosen together. And there are some stuff he's brought that he had before we started dating that I would not choose, but it's hung up because he had it. But going forward, I kind of would like to sort of agree on pieces.

I have to say, may I presume that this is a fairly small apartment? Yeah. Yeah, because you've got your dog crate basically in your fireplace. There is a nice place for an axe, though. I mean, there's that panel right above the fireplace. I guess it's a, is that a mirror? Yeah, it is. Is that mirror built into the fireplace? It is, but they didn't cover it when they restained the fireplace, so it's kind of speckled with paint and primer. Right, but where, so where would the axe go? Are you going to get rid of that, that papier-mâché rhino head, adrian and the axe is going to go there i was actually thinking of either uh buying or building a classy uh wood stand to sort of go in the center of uh of the

uh the mantle so it would sit on the mantelpiece and not and not hang on the wall that's correct do you ever think about just uh hacking it into the wall and having it stick out? Use an axe to hack into it. Yeah, maybe just hack your axe into the wall and have it suspend a letter that says, You're next. All right. You've had a few moments to collect your thoughts this is probably going to determine the whole thing adrian what is the difference between a sword guy and an axe guy so so fundamentally i i think a sword guy is cheap and tacky a sword guy is is going to be the sort of

one who goes to you know the renaissance fairs and goes to all these cheap mall kiosks and gets these really gaudy— You are making a lot of Judge John Hodgman listeners angry right now. But I'll allow it. Go on. I want to hear your unfiltered thoughts. I'm just saying, after this, you probably better have an axe in your house. I'm just saying after this, you probably better have an axe in your house. Because there will be some cosplay elves coming at you with some hacky sack spells. But that's it. Exactly.

The guys buying the swords, you know, in my head, I just can't separate that from these, you know, garish, impractical, Lord of the Ring type mass produced things that if this is weird to say, but not. Maybe you ought to also get a shovel to dig a deeper hole for yourself. All right, keep going. But non-functional and garish and, you know, covered in spikes or weird things that just don't, I personally find not aesthetically pleasing, not with no sort of historical significance either. Like I said, just fundamentally cheap and mass produced. Got it, got it. Whereas- I'm sure there are some artisanal swordsmiths who would really disagree with you, but go on.

Tell me about the beauty of the Axeman. That's the thing. I don't think that, you know, the axe has the same sort of connotation as the axe continues to still be a working man's implement. I'll freely admit that I'm probably never going to use the axe. Also, in a tool drawer here, I have a small hatchet that I had a tree fall last year, so I used it to do a little bit of chopping there.

But the chances of that happening again probably aren't too big. But the point is— It probably involves you picking up the hatchet and hitting a tree with it. Yeah. So you already have a hatchet and a drawer? Yeah, but it's— Any other blades in your life? He has a knife drawer, just a drawer full of pocket knives and hatchets.

But not of and hatchets. I have a single hatchet. I used to. Tell me again why a guy who keeps a drawer full of knives is cooler than a guy who goes to a ren fair or a samurai sword enthusiast again there it's about functionality i like to think i don't have any uh cheap tacky knives uh i mean for the record and they do sort of you know they're not something i want to display um jen actually uh has taken to boring them she actually She actually just last week managed to chip the blade off, or the tip of the blade off one of them,

trying to open up a can of paint, which is... Is that what this is all about? You're mad because your girlfriend broke a knife? Oh, no, no, no. When the ax stream first started, that was back in November, October. Couldn't be more on the nose as a metaphor than that. My girlfriend broke my knife. But like I said, though.

Now I need to put an axe on my mantelpiece to prove that I'm still a man. That, oh my God. Yeah, I know. You feel that, right, Ottawa? Yeah. But like I said, an axe is still, you know, really functional. And let me ask, how many generations of Canadian are you? On my mother's side, she's about as far back Canadian as you can go.

My dad came here from Italy when he was eight, though. But you feel a connection to Canada and its culture of tree chopping? Oh, definitely. I'm leading the witness, you understand. I'm helping you. Jen, how, are you, how Canadian are you? My dad came over

when he was a kid, too, and my mom is half Canadian and then half, someone came over from Europe very recently. You just don't get it. Yeah, basically. Axes are like guns to Texans. Axes are like guns to Texans. Axes are Canadians like guns are to Texans.

Part of the heritage. Since you admit that you're never going to use this axe, why don't you just get, why don't you just go, not to Buzz Market, but go to bestmadeco.com. You know that catalog, Best Made? I do not.

All they do is make axes for people who are never going to use axes. They're a store in New York City, birthplace of lumberjacking, making beautiful axes that will never, ever, ever be used. You could get, and again, I'm getting nothing from this company. They want to sponsor the podcast? That's great. That'll show us. The Lickety Split, an American felling axe. The Banderole.

Oh, my goodness. I want these axes. Now, and I don't want to say that, I don't want to say that Gransfors, Now, and I don't want to say that, I don't want to say that Gransfors, Brook of Sweden has not made a beautiful axe in the double bit axe. It's truly beautiful, but it does, it looks like for a guy who's so keen on deriding medieval phony weaponry, this looks pretty, pretty fantasy novel covery to me and i think jen probably agrees yes definitely right tell me about the oil painting that you want to have commissioned this was part of the letter that was sent this is another disagreement that this this i only found out recently that this was a disagreement. But ignoring the real world expense in having a custom oil painting commissioned,

I will, again, I know I'm probably going to be accused of the pot killing the kettle black, but I want to get a oil painting about you know six feet by four feet or something sure uh of uh you know done in the sort of uh pulp style of the uh conan the barbarian uh novellas with uh myself uh except as a much more rugged man than i am um you know on on some sort of throne maybe of skulls, and my darling Jennifer at my side, probably scantily clad.

Maybe the cat perched on my throne and the dog at my feet. And this axe would probably figure into this? I think I would go for maybe an axe of some sort. Probably there. I think I would go for maybe an axe of some sort probably there I would have to veer into the fantasy axe world and you have the nerve to

ride Renfrew people I like to think there's a difference between a painting that can be covered up by a garbage bag. That would certainly be a nice look. As opposed to an entire collection of shoddily made in China. Hey, quick question, guys. Thanks for having me over to your new place. Looks great.

Just quick question. Above the dog crate in the corner, what's that garbage? What's underneath that garbage what's underneath that garbage bag isn't an oil painting of you guys in a in a conan the barbarian pose jen um yeah do you need help getting out of this relationship? How do you feel about this painting? I thought this was discussed. It just recently came up again, but

I would go for a custom painting, but I thought it would be in the style of old-timey royal portraits. Exactly, that's what I'm saying. I don't want to get a comic book and have to look at a version of myself that doesn't exist and feel bad every day. There is no old-timey royal portrait that includes a throne of skulls and a scantily clad consort.

That is pure Robert E. Howard going on in your mind. Forget that. It's John Norman's gore books. The fact that you laughed at that makes me understand you guys a lot better. Jen, I want you to look at bestmadeco.com and I want you to look at their axes. Yeah, he pulled it up and actually that was the type of axe he showed me at first and that is a little better looking to me than the medieval whatever he sent. Yeah.

Now, which one of those do you like the best? I kind of like the Bobby McGee Hudson Bay axe. Yeah. Good choice. Adrian, can you see this axe? Yes, I can. What do you think about it? I think it's a fine looking axe.

Why is that the wrong axe for you? It's a good-looking axe, but, I mean, like I said, it is a good-looking axe, but, I mean, it doesn't have quite the pop, and I'll even say a little bit of the ugliness of my preferred axe. How much does your axe cost? I believe about the same. I think $250. Canadian or American?

Canadian. Jen, can you guys afford to spend $250? Unfortunately, yes, we can. All right. How much is that oil painting going to cost? With the exchange rate, it's probably a lot more. Adrian, have you gone so far as to price the oil painting of you as the savage priest king of wild Ottawa? No, I have not.

And I accept it as a fiscal pipe dream. All right. Yeah. Just a little prejudgment before I go into my chambers. Don't do that. Now I'll go into my chambers, think about this, and I'll come back in a moment and render my decision. Please rise as

Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Jen, Adrian, let me ask you a few questions. Boo. The name of the episode is Axed and Answered. You chose it judge john hodgman i'm not even here i'm in my chamber oh yeah that's right you're in your chamber sorry right but sorry about that jen yes you're you he has a drawer full of knives yeah that are uh ostensibly tools to him what's

the difference for you between weapon and tool like could he have a could he have a nail gun yes if it's something he's going to use but like an axe is some a tool he or it is a tool but it's not a tool for his lifestyle it's for a lifestyle he does not lead but you admitted or at least acknowledged that he had to use a hatchet at least at some point in your time together in the apartment that you live in he should not have used that hatchet we should have called the city but he took matters into his own hands that hudson bay axe is pretty cool looking if he hung that which could be functional above the mantelpiece in the the remote possibility that you might actually have to use it someday is that a possibility for your future here i mean we're not going to break up over it but it would i would strongly prefer

not having an axe now if he decided to use axe body spray are you okay with that no no yeah neither i'm definitely that is right out in my opinion now adrian what is your definition of artisanal acts that was part of what you submitted here like where do we draw the line between what judge john hodgman has asked you to look at in this best made company and then the acts that you have what what is this fine line it needs to be ugly and medieval looking, but not for a Ren Fair. And then just the one thing on your oil painting. Think about working a rhino into the oil painting and you may be able to further pursue that avenue. That's just a little advice for you. We'll be back in just a moment with Judge John Hodgman's decision.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning, causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks.

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Cookware.com. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. Well, in terms of your taste, Adrian, let me say this. Canada is a big country. It's got a huge map. And you are all over it. I don't know what's going on with you. Turning your nose up at all these Gandalfs and then suddenly having some weird Hyboria fantasy of an oil painting in your in your beloved queen consort, is modest.

You don't have a study of your own? I do not. You are proposing to put a major and bold expression of your taste, of your fascination with bladecraft, that you have difficulty articulating why it is so fascinating to you, other than people still use them, into the centerpiece of your home,

the mantle, the hearth, the place where your most prized portraits or papier-mâ mache rhino heads are traditionally kept. It is a big move for someone who is sharing a life with another person. And this ax is a big ax. I mean, you're getting the extended length one too.

I don't know. I don't know if it could be more on the nose than that. What's going on here? It is an axe that you consider and is clearly well made and has a history in North American woodcraft. It is a true

forestry axe, but as you know, the double-sided axe has not actually been used in forestry for a long, long time. It doesn't look like a lumberjack axe of any kind. And as you say, this is an axe, the double-bit axe is designed for throwing. It is a throwing axe. It is not actually being used, but it is traditional. And blades are beautiful works of art. Whether you are talking about Damascus steel, Valyrian steel, or beautiful butter knives, silver plate, or axes, they can be very gorgeous. You put this court in a position, though, that it rarely is in.

One of the precepts of the court is that people like what they like. There is no accounting for taste, and there is no sense trying to interfere with another person's taste or trying to force them to like something. You can expose people to movies that they haven't seen, but you can't keep them awake through those movies. The hard lesson I've learned with every movie that I've ever seen with my wife. And indeed you are taking a piece of your taste and semi-literally throwing it into the wall you share with a woman who just does not like it.

And the difficulty that this court faces is that I also don't like it. I'm going to be honest with you. I thought this was going to be a no-brainer for Axeman when I read this thing. Because I'm like, this guy loves things that are well-made, is of Canadian heritage. There is a long hit tree with axe tradition in Canada. And I know that there are beautiful axes in the world. And this could make a very interesting conversation piece in a home. But when I opened up this page to see this Gimli looking thing, I'm like, you might as

well have a suit of armor in there. No. And so it's very hard because I want to respect your taste. You think that this is beautiful. And I don't. And more importantly, neither does Jen. Jen has an aversion to weapons in her home. And this looks like a weapon to me.

This looks like something you use on an orc. It does not look like a piece of interesting craftspersonship to me. And so here's the thing. I don't want to deny you your passion of buying a beautiful art object. And if you want to buy this ugly axe and you can afford it, do it. But you can't put it above that mantelpiece unless your cohabitant romantic partner agrees and likes it and thinks it's beautiful. Now, I pushed hard for best made in this one because they are the non plus ultra. I don't know that there's a PepsiCo or RC Cola nipping at the heels of the number one art axe making company in the world, which

is Best Made, as far as I know. And I'm getting no money from them, and I don't expect to. But I look at those axes, and I'm like, I want those above every mantelpiece in my house. I'm going to build mantelpieces in order to put an axe up there. But that's just my taste. Do you know what I mean? And I wasn't going to push a best made axe on you as tempted as I was. Especially since as far as I knew, this was

a New York City company. But while you were jibber jabbering with Monty Belmonte and I was in my chambers, I looked it up. Guess what, dudes? This is a Canadian company, or at least it started by a Canadian. These are Canadian axes. To me, not to mix metaphors, but a beautiful Canadian axe of a contemporary wood chopping style should be number one with a bullet for your mantelpiece. That, to me, is an aesthetically sound decision. But again, it's not me. So here's my ruling. Whether it's best made or something similar to it, if you can convince Jen that your Canadian-made axe or internationally-made axe is beautiful and she really feels it, you can get one and put it above your mantelpiece. I think that Bobby McGee Arctic ice axe or whatever it is looks pretty hot.

I'm thinking about getting one. Maybe I'll start an Amazon wish list. Just like I'm a beautiful girl on the internet. You'll buy me one. Oh, by the way, everybody, don't send me any axes in the mail.

If you were seriously thinking about it, that would be crazy. That would be like having a drawer full of knives. But if you are, if your heart is set on this double bit throwing ax, and it may well be, and you may find it be very beautiful and you, and you,

and you work in a bank where you need an ax, I think you should get it, but you can't, you can't put it above your mantelpiece you gotta put it can you put it in your office at the bank that'd be fun that'd send a goddamn message so my ruling is no can do on double bit axe above the mantelpiece i think you can find one that jen can accept but if you but if your heart says double bit axe forever buy it and put it in your drawer this is the sound of a gavel judge john hodgman rules that is all jen Jen, is the best made Hudson Bay axe a potential compromise here?

It could be. It looks like something Gaston from Beauty and the Beast would have, so I can get behind that. You're a Beauty and the Beast fan. See how we're softening the ground here, Adrienne? Fire safety, glass-enclosed Gimli axe, so that if there were a fire, you could break the glass and then take the Gimli axe out, and then you'd both kind of be happy. It'd be prominently displayed, it'd be easy to find in case of a fire. Possibly a compromise? I could definitely get behind that compromise. I'll just toss this out. What about, and I know how you feel about Renfares, but what about

a replica Valyrian steel broadsword, but the pommel is carved in the shape of a rhinoceros head? I am loving this.

Go ahead, Maka. I'm sorry I interrupted. Just buy the other double, you know, two-bit axe and put a garbage bag over it. You seem predisposed to using that as a compromise when it comes to pursuing your dreams. You throw a garbage bag on it now? All right. Well, Adrian, how do you feel about the decision? It's totally fair.

I mean, yeah, you know, I'm thinking about maybe one of the compromises acts is if, you know, Jen will be able to deal with a more modern forestry style piece. I would be opposed to that. I mean, compromise is at the heart of any relationship. I would be opposed to that I mean compromise is at the heart of any relationship Any other kind of antiquated weapons that you'd be willing to put up on top of your

mantelpiece? Um Let's not get into that That would probably be another You have your heart set on an axe and a Conan the Barbarian oil painting of yourself Remember Adrian You have your heart set on an axe and a Conan the Barbarian oil painting of yourself.

Remember, Adrian, a compromise, a good compromise, like a double-bit axe, cuts both ways. And please don't hunt me for sport. Thank you both for being on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Thanks. Thank you both for being on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney.

I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun

or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-R. Hmm. Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try.

Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself.

A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Toronto, Monty. Toronto. Toronto. Let me ask you a question. Toronto, biggest city in Canada what does it have in common with Boston Atlanta St. Louis Chicago Iowa City Madison Minneapolis Vancouver Portland

and San Francisco all in North America all Canadian cities great Canadian cities and some non-Canadian cities that I will be touring in this September and October with all new hour and some minutes of comedy.

Probably 75 minutes of comedy with meets and greets after and maybe some crowd work. I don't know. A new show called Vacationland. Based in no small part upon the state that is known as Vacationland. I'll leave it to you guys to look it up on the Internet. John Hodgman dot com slash tour is where you can find all of the dates. They're going to be great, fun shows.

It's all new material that I feel very, very proud of. And I look forward to sharing it with you and then meeting and greeting any of you who wish to hang out afterward in the lobby or or whereevers and signing things and even taking photos if you insist, though I think looking each other up for a long time in the eye is a more meaningful interaction. But that's how I feel. Did I get a taste of that show at the Solid Sound Festival a couple of weeks ago? You may have gotten a taste of that show at the Solid Sound Festival a couple of weeks ago, Monty. What did you think? I thought it was very funny. Good. And I love the picture, the window into the soul of John Hodgman. You go beyond just sheer comedy. I get a picture of you as a human being, which I appreciate even more.

Yeah, it's a window into my soul. You open that window and it's a howling thunderstorm inside. Right. I want to put a garbage bag over it and then hang an axe up on top of it. And open it. hang an axe up on top of it and open it. Monty, thank you very much for joining us from Northampton, Massachusetts, one of my many hometowns, from WRSI the river, wrsi.com, a great radio

station. I should say that I am joining you from Blue Hill, Maine, the state that was formerly part of Massachusetts. To my left sits Joel Mann, engineering live from this studio. See? Here at WERU Community Radio at 89.9 FM, also WERU.org. Is this a free-form radio station? It is a free-form radio station. I got the thumbs-up from Joel. That means people play whatever they want. radio station. I got the thumbs up from Joel.

That means people play whatever they want. It's a dying art form that is alive and well here in the state of Maine. Dirigio. I direct. That is the state motto of Maine. Is it not, Joel? Dirigo, sorry. Dirigible. Dirigible is the

state motto. It's the state balloon of Maine. I stand corrected. Do you know what the state motto of Massachusetts is, Monty? I have no idea. Wicked piss-out. I can't remember either. My computer just died. We'll look it up next time.

Or I'm sure someone will write in for our Someone on the Internet is Right section and remind me of what it is. In the 80s, it was make it in Massachusetts with a thumbs thumbs up but i don't think that was the official like latin motto no i don't think that that was the official motto right nor nor was yankees suck right that's all but if you if you know the official state motto of massachusetts and and want to get it to me before i have a chance to look at wikipedia this evening You can write to me always at Hodgman at MaximumFun.org or use the case dispute submission form at MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho, that's JJHO. If you have a dispute with anyone in your life, whether they are your boyfriend of three and a half years in Toronto, or your brother of your whole life in various parts of Massachusetts, or wherever you are, whatever it is, please write in. I will review your case. No case too big nor

small, some cases too medium. And we'll put it on the air or handle it in a docket if your dispute is deemed worthy. And I will tell you who is right and who is wrong and whether or not we use your case. I'm always glad to hear you. I'm always glad to hear from you. And and I always read every one that comes through my transom. I get all of my email delivered by a transom. Monty, who named this show? Danny Lewin named the show and he named it axed and answered.

I've been your guest bailiff, Monty Belmonte. Thank you again to Joel Mann at WERU. Julia Smith produces the show. Mark McConville is our editor. Thanks for joining us for the Judge John Hodgman podcast. And whatever Hannibal Buress tells you on Twitter or on his TV show, why?

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