Judge John Hodgman - Battle of the Podcast Stars

Episode Date: July 2, 2015

That's my verdict, that's my ruling! Judge John Hodgman rules on dressing cats in shirts, obnoxious behavior at Mexican restaurants, and more.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Me? I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne. With me, as always, is Judge John Hodgman, and we are clearing the docket. How are you, Judge Hodgman? and I am either gearing up for it or recovering from it. And either way, I think the question that's on everybody's lips is, Bailiff Jesse, it's beautiful outside. Can we have podcast outside today? Absolutely. Oh, wait a minute. What? I looked at the schedule.

We're scheduled for a rain day. Oh, no. We're going to be grabbing the parachute and working in the basement. We're going to watch some old NFL clips. Is that what you did on rain days? Just watch NFL films? I remember in summer camp, I went to the Beaver Country Day Camp at Beaver Country Day School in Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts. Is that Beaver Country? It's, oh boy, oh boy.

You can't walk through there without tripping over a dam. And on a rain day at summer camp, we would all just go into this damp room and watch NFL films. And I'm like saying to the counselors, do you guys not know who I am? Like, I can't be watching this. This isn't for me. They still wanted to watch films,

film films. You know what I'm talking about? Projectors going, but a, da, da, da, da,

da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,

da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,

da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,

da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,

da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,

da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,

da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,

da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, Worldwide the sports things. Worldwide the sports. Why can't I talk? It's got that summer madness. Wide world of sports?

Sure, that must be it. See, I would like to see... I imagine Judge John Hodgman in, you know, 1970-whatever. It's a rain day. You're down in the basement of the summer day camp. I don't see you watching Wide World of Sports. I mean, that's like figure skating. I see you watching Battle of the Network Stars. No, that was purely, that was my home jam.

Okay, got it. I have to say. Did you get a copy of the Battle of the Network Stars home game? It's like a life-size cardboard standee of telly savalis that you race against through a mud pit i got the gabe caplan edition he was always he was always the coach of the abc squad right that was welcome back god was abc it's hard to remember you're asking me things that happened before i was born yeah but you're usually pretty good at that to to be fair, Jesse.

That's true. Fair point. If you don't know what we're talking about, it used to be in the 1970s into the 80s when there were only three channels that were showing original content. This is long before cable was a thing. Never mind your Netflix channels and your Hulu channels and your hulu channels and your chipotle channels and your airbnb channels and uh you were watching you were watching original scripted comedy on the on the back of your starbucks cup or whatever this is when there's three channels

and if you were if you were on tv if you were on your welcome back Cotters or your Jefferson's or, or your Dallas's or whatever, you worked for that channel. You were identified with that channel, with that network, ABC, NBC, CBS.

And once a year, the three networks would get all of their top, most beautiful strapping young stars together. Like Gabriel Kaplan, the mustachioed middle-aged man who was a star of a TV show, and they would make them fight for their pleasure in the Battle of the Network Stars. And you would have William Shatner in a tug-of-war

with the $6 million man and Helen Hunt. It was just crazy. And you could just look on all their faces like, I bet you the cast of Battlestar Galactica does not want to be in this game of Simon Says right now. And yet they did it. They had to. Because that was when networks had powers

before the democratization of the internet. But because of the democratization of the internet, you can go back and look at all that proprietary programming online. And it's a pretty amazing document of both a time and a culture and hairstyles and mustache styles and the shortness of athletic shorts. Check it out. This is Judge John Hodgman saying, we're having podcast outside. Maybe we'll never even get to the docket. Oh, but let's do it anyway. Here's something from Nathan.

My girlfriend Margaret moved in with me a year ago and brought her two cats who mostly treat me with their natural indifference. Our relationship's amiable, but not affectionate. A month ago, we adopted a third cat who's five months old. He was drawn to me me and his affections quickly softened my hardened heart towards pets. I admit I spoil him with toys and give him preferential treatment over the other cats. Margaret's mostly happy about my bond with the cat, but last week she arrived home to discover that I had purchased and dressed the cat in a tiny Hawaiian shirt. I intend to dress him regularly. Margaret says this is unnatural,

and that he doesn't like it. I say it's harmless fun, and a celebration of my special bond with the cat. It's a celebration of the spirit of Aloha. Can we just roll my thing about battle of network stars again, Jesse?

I could probably repeat it word for word instead of dealing with this dude who's got so much time on his hands. He's dressing up as cats, as Don Ho. Or maybe he's dressing him up as Tom Selleck in Magnum P.I. Maybe they're doing a Battle of the Network Cats. All right, now I'm down with doing a battle of the network cats. All right. Now I'm, now I'm down with this cause you got three cats. So you dress one cat up as Tom Selleck and Magnum PI.

Maybe he's already got one of those little cat mustaches. You know how sometimes cat have the little dark, dark fur under their nose that make them look like a little feline Hitler. Yeah, sure. All right. If not that maybe a Sharpie will help you. And then you put that one cat in the Hawaiian shirt. That's your Magnum PI. That's CBS. Name that cat CBS. Then you got the other two cats. One of them is NBC.

One of them is ABC. So ABC, you're obviously going to dress up as the Fonz in a leather jacket or better, Mr. Rourke. I think that's better. Mr mr rourke from fantasy island because the fawns i was going to say dress up the the cat as the fawns with water skis jumping the shark but that's there there are no more sharks to jump in the world and then you dress up the third cat nbc as the conductor of the super train from the nbc failed tv show called super train super train of course jesse being nbc's knockoff of the love boat where it was a glamorous luxury cross-country train that took two days to go across america and had a disco dancing discotheque in the middle of it and an ensemble cast of incredibly unrecognizable stars every week.

Now known primarily as the subject of the obsession of our friends John Roderick and Merlin Mann. Exactly so. Super Train. Check it out. It failed on NBC, but it thrives on Roderick on the Line, a wonderful podcast by John Roderick and Merlin Mann. Well, there we have it. That's the solution. Generally, I would say that dressing cats, just like putting leashes on cats, is ridiculously humiliating,

which is why it's so amusing. But if you want to maintain your relationship with your cat, I advise you to do this only sparingly because the cat knows when it is being humiliated and it has many ways of getting vengeance on you involving different places that it can vomit. So I would say do it only if you have a really good reason to do it, which is you're reenacting the Battle of the Network Stars as I have described. Otherwise, let the cat have its dignity. Remember, it poops in a box. That's enough. Hey, you know, since John Roderick came up, you know, John Roderick is running for city

council in Seattle. Yes, I do know. Isn't that amazing? Yeah. Listeners, if you did not know this, John Roderick of the Long Winters, great singer, songwriter, fantastic podcaster, author, gadfly, man about town. The town that he is most man about is, of course, Seattle, Washington, where he has lived the entirety of his adult life after he came down from Alaska and walked across Europe and so forth.

And he is devoted to the town, both its history and its future. And this year made a very, to the town, both its history and its future. And this year it made a very, I think, courageous choice to unironically, unsarcastically, with full heart and eyes and beard open, to throw his hat in the ring to run for Seattle City Council. And I don't know which hat he threw in the ring. He's got about 300 various cowboy hats and straw boaters that he could have thrown in there, but it was probably a nice looking hat. And he's really doing it. And he's raising a lot of money.

And he's giving a lot of thought to how he can best serve the city of Seattle. And you can find out all about it by going to his website, voteroderick.com. That's R-O-D-E-R-I-C-K, voteroderick.com. And you can read all his white papers and you can buy T-shirts and even get a little badge that I think either has the Seattle monorail on it, or maybe that's Supertrain. You know, as a person affiliated with the

journalism side of NPR, I don't get involved in politics. But one thing that a lot of people have asked me about is like, is John Roderick for real? And you know, John Roderick is our friend. And as you said, he is absolutely 100% for real. And I don't know much about Seattle politics. I don't know about his opponent. But if you know and like John Roderick, I think it's probably worth investigating. Vote Roderick dot com. Anyway. Super train. Here's something from Leah. I thought it was from Lean.

I was like, oh, great. We got it. Getting a nice email from Sizerp. Aha! My husband Paul and I just found out that we're expecting a baby in January, and we couldn't be more thrilled. We disagree about whether or not to find out the gender of the baby at the 16-week ultrasound in mid-August. I love surprises and it's almost impossible to surprise me. I think waiting till the birth to find out if it's a boy or a girl is

the ultimate surprise. Well, it's just a game after all, so why not? And to be clear, the ultimate surprise is when you're walking down the street and an anvil falls on your head. Insofar as it's literally the last surprise you'll ever have? Yes, it's the ultimate surprise. Paul wants to learn the sex and keep it a secret from me. He's historically very bad at keeping secrets. I know he'll spoil it. Neither of us cares if the baby's a boy or a girl, and we can't change it now anyway, so why find out?

Please help us resolve this dispute. Well, there are reasons to find out. I mean, I'm not saying that that's the right decision, but to suggest that there's no reason to know. Well, sure. I mean, we found out for these reasons. One, we were curious. Two that I knew that not only our doctors would know the answer, but simply the ultrasound technician would know the answer. And I don't like people knowing things that I don't know. If there's information to be had about this creature that is growing in the in the womb of my beloved, I think we both deserve to have all the information that is available. You also have to convince that person to somehow not show you the baby's wiener if it's a boy. Like babies, like really small babies have wieners

and you can, like they'll be like showing you, here's his leg, here's his arm. And then they just have to be like, who knows what that growth is. But I mean, to each his or her own but as with all things parental you guys have to get on the same side and what troubles me about your position leah is a you're acting like it's all just some goofball game the biggest surprise of all time like what's going to happen is the baby's going to come out with a, with a, with a, with a big, uh, party hat on and a, and a noisemaker going, it's me.

I'm maybe a girl. That's, you know, like it's, it's not a game. This is your, this is your life. You should think about it. You should come to terms with what, uh, it means to have a girl or a boy, and maybe even start talking to your husband about what it's going to mean to have a daughter or a son as you go forward and what you think about that. All of that stuff is an option for you, and I think a mature option that you should explore. However, if you really, really, really don't want to know,

I don't think you should deny your husband the right to know, and I think you need to trust your husband to not reveal it to you. What troubles me about it is that you are not on the same side at the moment. Not only do you have different desires, but also you're coming at this saying, my dumb husband can't possibly keep a secret. So therefore he has to be kept in the dark or else it's going to ruin my game. This does not sound like a good dynamic. Somehow you've transformed your life into an early 2000s CBS sitcom. That's the most adorable cat of all.

That early CBS sitcom was called Meowsers, the most adorable clothes wearing cat of all. So what I would say is you can't force him to not know. And you have to trust him. Or you have to decide it's not that big a deal. And it might benefit me to know because who knows where my mind will go once I do know. Here's the thing. Like what I don't want for this couple is I don't want him to be in charge of not screwing it up for her.

Like the structure that she's establishing makes it so that inevitably something will go wrong and it will be his fault. Right. I think that's the trickiest part, right? It's that she's setting him up for failure. Oh, yeah. That's what needs to be resolved. That's the crux of this, which is that she does not trust her husband. And her solution for not trusting her husband with regard to their infant is to infantilize him by claiming that there is information that he does not deserve to have because he doesn't know how to handle it. And that, I think, is going to bode ill for parenting going forward. You play your game, your little game of let's see what thing comes out of my body or and let him have the information and trust him to deal with it appropriately. Or you decide, let's both know. Those are your choices.

You know, and there's also the issue that the odds that they're going to make it through not actually knowing, given the number of people who look at the picture of the baby or whatever and haven't been told ahead of time whether or not you know and the fact that almost everybody wants to know, it makes it real tricky. Yeah. It makes it tricky. It's tricky. I'm just saying if you decide to do it, good for you, but don't get too wrapped up in how it's all going to... You know what I mean? Look, you know... I don't want them to have their hearts set on it.

There's a wonderful parenting podcast on the Maximum Fun Network called One Bad Mother, but you're listening to a different podcast called Two Dumb Dads. Two Sensitive Dads. one bad mother, but you're listening to a different podcast called two dumb dads, two, two sensitive dads. And, uh, there, can I be Jim Belushi? Um, this isn't one sensitive dad in the creep. It's two sensitive dads.

And, uh, and one thing about this is that, uh, it's's an overwhelming uh flood of emotions that are that are coming on you in a in anticipation of having this baby during the process of having the baby and then the raising of the child it's it's it's very heavy and it's very deep i tend to feel like you're better off um dealing dealing with those feelings honestly, openly, and with as much information as possible. And being really engaging with the parenthood rather than turning things into wacky games. So I came down pretty hard on you there, Leah. But that's my feeling, that's my ruling. Which may be the new, this is the sound of a gavel. That's my feeling, that's my ruling. Which may be the new, this is the sound of a gavel.

That's my feeling, that's my ruling. Here's something from Jeff. From one pre-acquaintance to another, I'd like to know why specifically it's a requirement for me to sit across the booth from someone in a restaurant. Is it because of your own personal squeamishness with intimacy? How dare you? Or is there a larger threat to the common good

of which I am unaware? How dare you, Jeff? I think this is a reference to the episode Bench Warrant. Yes. Although it may have been just, this may be pursuant to your harping on this point on social media. Well, I think that it's, I do think that it's a reaction to Bench Warrant and I'm in such a snit right now. I'm going to just ask you to nutshell it for me, Jesse. Well, the issue was that on Bench Warrant, it was a couple, right, Julia? And one of them wanted to sit next to each other. One of them, and one of them wanted them to sit across each other in a restaurant. And your ruling was that they should sit across from each other yeah like adult humans yeah jeff this is settled law we're not i'm not going to

relitigate this just because you want to hear your name on the podcast and i don't and i don't if you respectfully disagree that's fine but i don't like you calling up with this cutesy wootsy from one pre-acquaintance To another business which is a reference to the The friendship scale Episode we had A few months ago Oh yeah

But then turn around and say I don't know why I should be compelled To do things Is it because you're not comfortable with intimacy Look dude We're all doing the best we can You want to sit next to someone in a booth this is a podcast i'm not going to stop you why are you coming at me with this when you're obviously wrong it is not that i am uncomfortable with intimacy rather during meal

time i want to enjoy intimacy with the person i'm with do Do you know how you do that? You look them in the eyes. If you're eating in a diner, you know what the counter is for? It's for eating alone. If you go into a bar, you know what a bar is for? Drinking alone. A booth is for being with another person. Now, you know that, obviously, because you want to cuddle up with the person you're dining with as though it's your love seat in front of a binge

watch of foils war or something right that's why you want to sit next to the person but you're not having you're not having that eye contact all you're doing is suggesting with your weird body language that while you're eating you guys might be touching each other under the table, which is disgusting. So yeah, I know I'm right. If you eat and you share a meal with someone, you want to look them in the eye and have a conversation. If you want to cuddle with someone and sort of play footsie and rub up against them, don't do that when I'm having pancakes. Go home.

If you want to drink alone and meet someone, go to a bar. We'll have more cases on the Judge John Hodgman podcast when we come back in just a second. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you our members of course thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at maximumfund.org and they are all your favorites if you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast in this network, boy, oh, boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join.

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Rules and restrictions apply. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. And I'm still upset about that. I don't know why that got me. Carried you all the way through the break. You didn't like, well, I mean, it's when somebody's simultaneously kissing up to you and defying you. Well, it's not defying. It's questioning. It's kissing up to me and then insulting me. Is it because it's your problem?

It's not my problem. Here's something from Sam. Please help me settle a longstanding dispute between my boyfriend Steve and me about the social mores of refusing alcohol. On November 21st, 2014, alarmingly specific, Alarmingly narrative solely, my boyfriend and I were out at a Mexican eating establishment, or

restaurant, I added that last part, with a few friends, all of us in the 22 to 26 age range. One of these friends brought along a friend of his own, Jay, who the rest of us had never met. Jay seemed friendly, a bit nerdy, and a little shy. The restaurant was BYOB, and so we brought a bottle of wine. We offered Jay a glass, as he was the only one without one. He refused, saying, no thanks, I got that out of my system in college. To my ear, he said

this without malice. It was simply an innocuous comment from a guy who probably felt self-conscious about being the only non-drinker there. To my boyfriend, who's more than comfortable confronting strangers, Jay's statement was a judgmental affront to which he loudly and aggressively responded, what's that supposed to mean?

I came to Jay's defense, and the dinner continued as normal. Ah! Like normal, like everyone's terrified about what's going to happen next. I hold that Jay meant no offense and my boyfriend's response was rude. My boyfriend remains convinced that Jay was being judgmental. Judge, was my boyfriend rude for saying something about this? Or should Jay have simply said no thank you?

That was so rude. And here's why. If Jay had said, no, thank you. That's the end of the conversation, obviously. Right. And if your boyfriend had then said, come on, drink some wine. And he said, no, thank you again. And your boyfriend was like, you're being so judgmental. That's bad enough. Right. But Jay said specifically, no, thank you. I got that out of my system in college, which to me reads entirely as I'm an alcoholic or or very plausibly could read as I've had troubles with drinking before, so I'm going to pass, thank you. Which especially doesn't merit the, what's that supposed to mean? Jay was not making any accusations. He was simply exercising his right to not drink the crummy wine they brought into this eating factory. What is it called again, Jesse? A Mexican eating yurt?

Yeah, exactly. Right. What is it called again, Jesse? A Mexican eating yurt? Yeah, exactly. Right. And truly, that you said that, I mean, I don't know what happened after that statement was made. And maybe I'm completely misreading all the context.

But how you go from that to a normal dinner, I don't know. Because at that point, then and there, I would think that Jay would feel terrible. And everyone else would be like, what's next? What's going to come out of this guy's mouth next? And your description of it as normal makes me worry that this happens with some frequency or that the terror that your boyfriend is going to say something really sort of out of bounds or something even moderately out of bounds that is prompted by absolutely nothing may be a part of your life. So you may perhaps unsubscribe from this podcast immediately after I say this because maybe I'm being too harsh on your boyfriend.

But even if you do, take heart, first of all, that I think you're absolutely right. I think that was a very rude thing to do. And if it was just one instance of rudeness that happened one time, no big deal. But also, think. If this is the kind of rudeness, unprovoked aggression, where you don't see it coming, and the person doesn't back off, and if this happens frequently in your interactions, then you may need to have a talk with your boyfriend about what's really going on. I don't want to raise too much of a red flag, but in my experience with my friends who are or were alcoholics, that kind of temper flare is a big red flag for someone who has

a bad relationship with wine at a Mexican food plant or whatever it is. Now, I fully acknowledge that I may have totally overread the situation, but I know the feeling that I got off of your letter, and I just have to answer it as honestly as possible. And if I'm way off base, sports metaphor, damn my name and forgive me. And don't even forgive me. I hope you do, but you can just damn my name and turn it off. But I do have to say that that's the gist that I got out of it. Maybe too much, but that's the gist.

I have to say, you know, this is like a regular situation in my life as a non-drinker. Now, I know you happen to have an alcohol molar, Judge Hodgman, but I'm a lifelong non-drinker. And I'm lucky that now at 34 years old, I've gotten to the point in my life where if I refuse a drink, people just assume I'm a recovering alcoholic. I finally have enough recovering alcoholic peers to cover up for the fact that I don't drink. But, you know, I will just say this to everyone out there. We are totally not judging you. We just don't drink. And this is something that comes up so much more when you're under 30 and especially under 25.

And, you know, it's something that decreases gradually over time, starting when you're a teenager. But, yeah, it's like some people just don't drink. You know, there's a broad variety of reasons. It might be because it's a migraine trigger. It might be because of a history of alcoholism in the family. It might be because people don't enjoy being intoxicated. It might be because people don't like the taste. There's a lot of reasons not to drink. And when somebody refuses a drink and they say something that's more than just no thank you. It's because they have had a lifetime of people questioning them when they say that.

you know, maybe I'm, maybe I'm overreacting to this because I am, I'm slightly older than you and certainly have had as much experience with people who are recovered addicts as I've had. It never occurred to me that when someone wasn't drinking around me that they were judging me but this is something that has come up in your life i gather jesse that that people people throw a like are you judging me vibe at you oh of course many many times yeah yeah

that's you know to you know having alcohol is an adult choice that you deserve to make and ideally make responsibly. If you are worried that some non-drinkers out there are turning their nose up at you, you're not doing this the right way. You're not being an adult about it. If you're an adult making a choice to have a drink, you should feel fantastic about it and not care what everyone else thinks, because that's what being a grown-up is. Weird. Never occurred to me. Yeah, it's a real thing, I assure you. But it's okay. Either way, you're fine. Just don't be weird about it. Okay, here we go.

Aaron writes, OK, here we go. Aaron writes, my wife and I live in a nice neighborhood near Morgantown, West Virginia. Every day I get home from work an hour before her and I go for a run. I don't like carrying a key because I often lose them. So I usually leave the front door unlocked during my run. And this makes my wife very angry. Our house's front door is exposed to no less than four neighbors and a relatively busy intersection for both cars and pedestrians. It seems foolish that someone would rob us through that door. Moreover, I think that by leaving the door unlocked, I'm actually creating the appearance that someone is home, possibly deterring a crime. Wait a minute. Is he leaving it unlocked or wide open?

He's just leaving a cardboard standee of Gabe Kaplan in the kitchen window. Fantastic. Basically, I refuse to accept that our house is in any danger of being robbed or infiltrated in the one hour that no one's home. All break-ins in our neighborhood have happened at night when no one's home. Judge Hodgman, am I putting our home at risk? Should I lock the door? Well, just because you refuse to accept that your house is in danger doesn't mean that it's not in danger. I think that it is reasonable to imagine that it's unlikely that someone is going to walk into your home guessing that your door is unlocked in the middle of the day.

And you know your neighborhood better than I do. But you did give me some information about your neighborhood. You mentioned that there have been break-ins. They happen at night, for sure, but enough have happened that you are aware that it is part of your neighborhood's texture, right? And you are also on a busy street.

And I suppose if there was some nefarious person who came to understand your schedule and saw you as they were walking by, saw you leaving the house and coming back without unlocking the door over time, there might be a bad kid who lives in the house across the street from you who figures, oh, you know what? That guy's leaving his door unlocked. Maybe I'll go in there and walk around and look at all his family pictures and touch all his underwear. That's a possibility as much as anything else. So even though you refuse to accept the likelihood that your house will be burgled because you are leaving the door, if not wide open, then unlocked. It doesn't mean that it's impossible. And I think that if you're sharing a home with someone, whether it's your wife or anyone, who will feel less anxious if the door is locked, then as a good roommate, at the very least, you have an obligation to lock the door.

It will be the most ridiculous thing every time you lock that door, right? You're going to be like, I don't have to lock this door. I don't have to lock this door. I don't have to lock this door. And if you prevent someone from walking in the door who shouldn't be there, you'll never know because you'll never see them because you locked the door. But if you leave the door unlocked enough times and Cthulhu forbid something does happen, then you're going to feel pretty dumb and your wife is going to feel pretty vindicated and maybe she'll leave you. So as I say, just as a symbol of good cohabitation, lock the door. I also suggest

biometrics. Go to the internets and get one of those thumb pads for your door. That way you don't have to carry a key around with you. $150. I just looked on Amazon. One of those electronic smart locks. You can get one for $150 that's well-reviewed on, well, I already said the name of Amazon. But you just looked on a popular internet retailer. Yeah.

And there's well-reviewed ones, well-liked ones for like $130. Internet retailer. Yeah. And there's well-reviewed ones, well-liked ones for like $130. I think $130 might not be worth it for everyone, but it seems like if this is this much of a bone of contention in your relationship with your wife and you are also a key loser, it seems like it would be worth it for you to spend the, you know, $200 total, that's assuming that you need to hire someone to install it because you don't, you're, you can't take out a few screws. Yeah. You know what this guy's answer is going to be? What if some mugger cuts my thumbs off? That's a good point. Yeah. Or what, what if, what if, you know, they, they hold you up and you're forced to cut your own thumbs off? Well, I have to say I performed in West Virginia at the end of June, and I had a wonderful time

there. I don't know exactly where Morgantown is in relation to Charleston, West Virginia, but I'm going to look it up. And we have this guy's address, right, Jesse? Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to look it up, and next time I'm in town, I'm going to try that door. Maybe you'll find me touching your underwear in your house. Yeah, I mean, here's the one thing that gives me pause about this guy's story. And granted, look, I'm a dude, I grew up in a, what might be described, I'm hesitant to call it a bad neighborhood because I think it was a great neighborhood, but let's say a tough neighborhood. And my home was burgled with me in it on more than one occasion when I was a kid. So I'm

a little sensitive to this. But that having been said, I mean, like the way robbers rob things is by casing them. And if you were have the leave the door open at the same time every day, you know, that's how robbers figure out that you're not going to be there at that particular time. They're not trying. I'll tell you what. They're definitely not going and trying doors and being like, hmm, this one's unlocked.

I better get out of here. Right. Which seems to be your suggestion, sir. That's how they figure out when you're not going to be home, and that's also how we figure out when you're not going to be home. Yeah, we're going to come in there and, I don't know about you, Judge John Hodgman, but I'm going to rub their fruit on my butt. Buttfruit.

You're going to end up with buttfruit. You could have buttfruit right now. out like, you know, a week after we recorded it. So I might have taken the interregnum to fly to West Virginia, key myself in, open up the handle of your door and take your bananas and apples, oranges, peaches, other stone fruits, and rubbed it on my butt. I'm picturing Aaron in Morgantown, West Virginia right now, having just come back from a run, eating a mango and suddenly hearing butt fruit and going blah all right let's move on here's something from keith i'm seeking an appeal in a matter in which i've already been judged wrong by my wife my friends and most of the internet oh thank god well this is almost

certainly going to go your way this is pertaining to this is the court of last internet appeal this is pertaining to the correct usage. Oh, God. Okay. This is pertaining to the correct usage of the phrase, I could slash couldn't care less. Oh, geez. We're getting to, we're getting, Judge John Hodgin, we have tapped into one of the deepest

veins of pedantry on the internet. Prime pedantry. This is literally the deepest vein of pedantry on the internet. Right. The popular opinion seems to be that couldn't

care less is preferred because if you say you could care less, that implies that you care at least a little bit. I contend that's the whole point. I would only use the phrase to describe things that I care at least a little bit. I contained, that's the whole point. I would only use the phrase to describe things that I care very little about. Well, if I didn't care about something at all, I would simply say, I don't care.

So I asked the judge to overturn the current standing of the internet at large. Am I right to say I could care less? The English comedian, actor, writer, David Mitchell, of the great show, Peep Show and Mitchell and Webb, that Mitchell and Webb look, and who also portrayed the PC in the British versions of the Mac versus PC ads. A past guest on my NPR radio show and a delightful one.

He's a wonderfully smart and funny guy. And he has a very thorough rant about this very issue online. You can find it on YouTube by Googling David Mitchell couldn't care less. And he takes the very strong position that to say I could care less is American vernacular that is utterly offensive to him and the language because it is meaningless. Because it is the opposite of what you want to say, which is that you don't care or you care so very little that you could not possibly care less. And as you put it, it implies that you care a certain amount,

less of which you could possibly care even more. That said, wait, a certain amount less of which you, if you say i could care less that means literally you could care i mean here's the thing it's not an issue of what's preferred right to me it's an issue and this is why people get into a bugaboo about it uh it's an issue of accuracy right because you are saying you're expressing yourself inaccurately if what you want to say is uh i don't care or this is meaningless to me. If you say, I could care less, yes, that could mean you care at least a little bit, but it could equally mean I actually care a lot. Anything less than the amount I care could be expressed by saying, I could care less.

So it's vague, and it's inaccurate, and it's vernacular. And I think in America, we all know what each other is saying when we say, I could care less, but it is inaccurate, and it always will be. And Jesse, I'm guessing you fall on the other side of this argument, which is you could care less about I could care less, right? Here's my position on it. It's pretty straightforward. I would prefer that you say I couldn't care less, because it is clearer for the reasons that the Internet has explained to this gentleman. However, I think that anyone who complains to this gentleman about saying I could care less should get other priorities in life because the meaning remains clear. It is not confusing to that person.

They are just being a jerk. I agree. I think that that's absolutely correct. I give Keith a pass for saying I could care less. I could care more about him being more accurate in his phrasing. But it is a true American colloquialism whose definition is clear to all. The only way, but if you want to do really accurate, this is Jesse asked me,

hey, John Hodgman, I noticed you've been slacking off a little bit. Could you care a little bit more about the podcast, please? Say that to me. Judge John Hodgman, could you care a little bit more about the podcast, please? Actually, I could care less. Oh my God, this is way too complicated.

This is what happens. Can you imagine what it's like to be Jeff Nunberg, the Stanford and UC Berkeley linguist who's the language commentator on Fresh Air, Stanford and UC Berkeley linguist who's the language commentator on Fresh Air, just all day, every day, people are writing him letters about I could or couldn't care less. Either way, what a nightmare. It's clearly a colloquialism that is becoming as common or rather it is as common as the new colloquialism is becoming, which is me and Jordan went to the store or me and Jordan are going to do a podcast called Jordan, Jesse go, which me and Hodgman here, me and Jesse say all the time. And me, Bizarro Hodgman, am angry about it all the time. But I don't call you out on it because I'm not a jerk. Well, I guess I just did.

But you know what I mean? I just did. But you know what I mean. The point is, David Mitchell, I think, is great. And Jesse thinks is an angry pet aunt who should have better priorities. Right? Isn't that what you're saying, Jesse? I think David Mitchell's job is to take a strong position on something in a humorous manner. I also think that I got an 800 on the verbal portion of the SATs and I will speak as I please.

That gives you license? Yes. You know what? I'm going to start carrying my SAT score around. Say, hey, what did you get, jerk? I didn't get an 800. But here's what I'll say, listeners. Me and Jesse are in agreement on this one.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but

to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Jesse Thorne, Bailiff Jesse Thorne. It's summertime, which means I'm going to go up into the hills and woods and dales and seashores of New England and hide out for a while and work on private projects while occasionally going into fun radio stations like WRSI in Northampton, Massachusetts, or WERU in Blue Hill, Maine, to do the podcast remotely. Oftentimes during the summer, I will be joined by my summer bailiff, Monty Belmonte of WRSI the River in Northampton, Massachusetts. You will

take a much needed break from this to focus on other projects. Is anything I'm saying wrong at this point? No, you're absolutely correct. Can I append something to it? Append away, my friend. Don't send me a message about which bailiff you prefer. Either way. Either way, it's weird.

We all love Monty Belmonte. He's great. Hopefully we all love me too. You can have a preference. Just don't tell me about it. He's great. Hopefully we all love me too. You can have a preference. Just don't tell me about it. Yeah, exactly. If you want to sit next to your friend in the diner, if you want to sit next to your friend in the

diner on the same side of the booth and hold hands while eating disco fries, talking about your favorite bailiffs, you are utterly entitled to do that. But just know that we don't pick our bailiffs idly. Jesse is main bailiff. Monty is summer bailiff. Guest bailiffs are guest bailiffs. And there's plenty of room for plenty of bailiffs. Maybe even a guest judge from time to time. You've done it, Jesse. Yep. So I look

forward to talking to you guys from exile in the many states of New England that I will set foot in over the next couple of months. And Jesse, I hope to talk to you over the phone just for funs because we're pals and we'll chat about stuff and for other reasons too. And until then, let me remind you, September 12th, Wilbur Theatre. I will be performing Vacationland, all new materials about all new things and some old things. vacation land, all new materials about all new things and some old things. And just announced I'll have dates in Toronto for the Just for Laughs Festival in Toronto in late September and also in late September just announced the Thalia Hall of Chicago, Illinois.

All those details of where you can see me when I come back from my hiding time are at johnhodgman.com slash tour. from my hiding time are at johnhodgman.com slash tour. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. Big or small, we consider them all. Maximumfund.org slash JJHO. We always appreciate your cases. You can always suggest to a friend, too. If you hear a friend who has an intractable dispute, send them to maximumfund.org slash jjo have them share it uh of course i can't apparently say the phrase maximumfund.org slash jjo despite my lifelong career as a professional announcer and it being your company and your podcast yeah exactly i've been in this hot box a long time. The point is, it's summertime, Jesse. Let it go. Yeah. I feel like Cool Hand Luke right now in that tin corrugated roof thing that they put him in. Also, I ate so many eggs for lunch.

See, Jesse, I told you you'd get back your mojo at remembering references of things before you were born. your mojo at remembering references of things before you were born? Julia Smith is the producer of our show. The great Mark McConville is the editor of our show, and love do we both of them. If you want to talk about Judge John Hodgman, one fun place to do it is the Maximum Fun subreddit, which is at MaximumFun.reddit.com or the Judge John Hodgman Facebook group or the Maximum Fun Facebook groups.

Both of those very active these days. You can also hashtag it on Twitter, hashtag JJHO. I like to check in with all of those places. So, you know, it's fun. I participate in it. It's a good time. That's about it. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Summertime! School's out! Out! MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. John Hodgman podcast. Summertime! School's out!