Judge John Hodgman - Beard Science

Episode Date: September 28, 2011

Guest bailiffed by ABC News Senior White House Correspondent Jake Tapper! Friends Mike, Mike and Dan seek a ruling on a modified but highly charged game of beard chicken.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm guest bailiff Jake Tapper, the senior White House correspondent for ABC News. Today, a case of beard chicken. Beard chicken, you heard that right. Friends and housemates Michael Bilder, Michael McElroy, and Dan Patley were entering their senior year of college in September 2006 when McElroy and Patley proposed a game of Beard Chicken. Now, this game is traditionally played when two or more men, or women I suppose, face off against each other by not shaving. The man or person who goes the longest without a shave wins the game. Builder entered the game reluctantly since he had some senior photos coming up and a clean-cut reputation as the student body president to protect. Herein is the argument.

Builder says before the game started, he and McElroy had come to an oral agreement to allow any one of them to shave on the day of the senior portrait and then continue with the contest. The winner would be the man who accumulated the most number of days gone unshaven, or put differently, the last man standing after the resting day. McElroy says that he does not recall that stipulation, and more importantly, that such a stipulation would violate the spirit of the game. Was their original agreement valid? Did this change in terms fundamentally after the essence of the game? And who is the real winner of Beard Chicken? Tough questions. Please all rise for Judge John Hodgman. Let those who seek justice grow their beards before me. Will you swear them in, Bailiff Jake? It would be my honor, Judge Hodgman. Messrs. Builder, McElroy, and Patley, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, or whatever?

I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he is unable to grow a beard, it doesn't come in full, it comes in little patches and ends up looking like dreadlocks. Yeah, I guess so. Yes. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

You all may be seated. Jake Tapper, nice to hear from you again. Oh, it's my distinct honor and pleasure. Thank you for coming back. Where are we reaching you this time? I am actually from you again Oh, it's my distinct honor and pleasure Thank you for coming back Where are we reaching you this time? I am actually at home Oh, okay One of the reasons why the Skype connection is much better

Than when I was at Courtyard Marriott in Minnesota Let me ask you a question Have you ever been on Air Force One? Of course Do they have Skype on that? They probably have it in the front But they sit us in the back. We don't have it. There's no Wi-Fi for reporters up there. Oh, okay. That would have been very

exciting if we could have done this from Air Force One. I will work on it. Perhaps in the next presidency, we can see if President Paul or Bachman or Romney or whomever, I will put in that request. I think there's going to be a tri-presidency. Is that right? Like Julius Dogg? Yes, exactly. A three-headed presidency.

Bachman, Paul, and, well, I'm thinking McCain. No, Cain. Not McCain. Cain. I can't keep them all straight. Because at the debate the other night, I believe it was Rick Perry was asked who he would like as a running mate. He said he would have liked to see somebody, if Gingrich and Kane mated. Yes. I'm working on a machine that can do that.

Why do I feel like it would look like Quatto from Total Recall? They need to go to my private island. It would be very smart, and it would be the island of Dr. Moreau, except with Republican presidential candidates. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I like that. Walk on two legs. That is the law.

Law number one. Law number one. Well, anyway, it's nice to talk to you. What is the name of the White House blimp, by the way? I mean, I know Air Force One is the plane and Air Force Two is the helicopter. Is there a White House Zeppelin? Dirigible. Who's that?

I'll have order in this court. Well, that was Mike Bilder. I could see because his Skype thing was glowing. Yeah, it's Bilder on his TRS-80. All right. Well, we'll get back to the White House Zeppelin or blimp. By the way, before we do this, I hope you're going to ask Bilder if he is a member of the Bilderberg cabal. I would like to know that.

We should know that just in case. We don't want any repercussion. I think I heard Mike Bilder just walk out of the room. Not allowed to know that. We should know that just in case. We don't want any repercussions. I think I heard Mike Builder just walk out of the room, not allowed to admit it. I ran to my dirigible. If you say dirigible again, sir, I'm going to find against you. I'd like to say that we are using Skype right now to talk to all these gentlemen in the world. And right now I have Builder, Patley, and McElroy in front of me. They have all chosen as avatars various people with fantastic beards and other facial hair.

We have Frederick Douglass, it looks like, Karl Marx, and Builder, who did you pick? General Ambrose Burnside. Oh, who is, of course, the creator of the sideburn. Yes. Yeah, he has gigantic cheek patches that connect with his ridiculous mustache. Yeah, he was a much better beard grower than General. Would you even call that a beard, Mike? Actually, yeah, they're mutton chops, like extended mutton chops.

They are extended mutton chops that eventually reversed name and became known for him as the sideburn. Is that not correct? Yes. All right. So you're obviously a person of distinction. Oh, yes. When it comes to beard history, you've got something that not correct? Yes. All right. So you're obviously a person of distinction. Oh, yes. When it comes to beard history, you've got something going, correct? Yes. All right. So, Mike Builder, you are the complainant, and it looks to me like McElroy, you are the anti-complainant. And Patley, you are more of a sort of an expert witness. Is

that not true? That's correct. Okay. So, Mike Builder, General Burnside, as I like to call you, please state the nature of your complaint. Thank you, Judge Hodgman. I think Bayliff Tapper explained it pretty well. Well, I wasn't listening. It goes a little bit beyond where he kind of stopped about halfway through the story, you know, to recall the events at the beginning of senior year. Of what? Senior year of what? Senior year of college. And what college are we talking about?

Dickinson College in Carlisle, Pennsylvania. Okay. Beard capital of Pennsylvania. And we were all gathered, very excited to start senior year. Sure. And we were at a party, and McElroy got very excited about the idea of a game of beard chicken. And Dan, Mr. Patley, had jumped in pretty quickly on the idea. But for reasons that Bailiff Tapper mentioned already, I was very hesitant. You didn't want to get into a game of beard chicken, which, by the way, is a disgusting term.

But you did not want to get into this game of beard chicken, or you were hesitant because you had to have your photograph taken? That was the main reason. Quick side story. The previous January, I was spending a lot of time with my grandmother over break, and I was... And on her deathbed, she asked you to never grow a beard? Well, almost. Basically, she said, I started growing a beard, and then the lady who never said anything mean to me or anything unkind, you know, looked at me, you know, a week into it. And she says, please don't grow a beard. You look so much better without it. And so I knew that in my senior

picture that my mom and my aunts and my grandmother would put on their mantle and think of me that I didn't want to have this ugly beard on my face. And that was the main reason. There were other reasons. You know, as I said, I was a student body president. I had to deal with administrators and, you know, try to act professionally. But in the end, I actually, you know, I was willing to play the game as long as we had one condition. And the condition was that on the day of my senior pictures, you know, we would play beer chicken up to that day, and then on the day of the senior picture, we would all be able to shave if we want to.

And as soon as the day was over, we would resume the game, and then we would, you know, basically it was the last man standing beyond, you know, past that point. But we all had to make it up to that point. And then we'd all, you know, we could do what we want. Okay, stop. Stop talking. Patley and McElroy, do you remember this conversation? No. McElroy says no. Patley? I remember that we had a conversation and that terms were agreed to, but this was five years ago. The specifics of that agreement are a little fuzzy. Patley says, I don't want to get in trouble with either of my friends. He's just throwing the traditional, I cannot recall.

Yeah, exactly. Thank you very much, Alberto Gonzalez. Because this is critical, is it not? Builder, you made this compact, or so you say, you made a verbal agreement with your two competitors that anyone had the opportunity to shave on Senior Picture Day if they wanted, and that you fully intended to take that opportunity, right? Correct. And your friends agreed with you? Yes.

I don't want anyone to talk. This is what you're saying, right, Builder? Yes. All right. This is a classic beard said, beard said situation. Do you remember the circumstances in which you talked? Were you in your disgusting apartment? Were you at the crummy diner? Were you doing beer funnels at a dumb party? Or what other college setting were you in?

We were having a dumb party in our disgusting apartment. Okay, dumb party in a disgusting apartment. Do you remember what room you were in? The one with all the dirty mattresses on the floor? in a disgusting apartment, do you remember what room you were in? The one with all the dirty mattresses on the floor? Or the one with no furniture at all except a three-year-old Xbox? Actually, the latter describes our apartment that year very well.

But yeah, it was, I think we were kind of... You understand I'm inside your guy's head. I know you guys. Because not only was I in college, I've grown stuff on my face. I know the way you think. So don't think you can lie to me. I forget exactly where we were in the apartment. I think we did go off to the side, either to one of our rooms or the kitchen. You think? Yeah. You don't remember? I think I was sober. Okay. You think you were? Well, for the record, Mr. Patley, McElroy, and I, we like, we like to party, but, you know, we're nerds, and we still, you know, we don't get disgustingly intoxicated. You're party nerds.

Yeah. It was senior year. You all were of age, correct? Yeah. And we were, you know, popular people on campus. Well, I'm sure you were. Yeah. Right. The three boys who lived together in a disgusting apartment contemplating beard growing, I'm sure, were the big men on campus, big nerds on campus.

Yeah. Okay. Well, so there were a lot of people there. Sure. And so we went off to a separate place. Just to answer your question, I don't know exactly where we were in the apartment. Okay. So you went to your conversation pit.

Mm-hmm. But it's a little hazy is what you're saying? Well, I remember the terms of the apartment. Okay. So you went to your conversation pit, but you, things are, it's a little hazy is what you're saying. Well, I don't, I remember the terms of the agreement and that's, maybe that's just how my mind works is when we have a competition, maybe very particular about the rules. And so that perhaps explains. I'm right. I feel that, you know, I understand that I'm the same way. Every time I have a fantasy conversation in my head to justify a decision that I've made privately, I usually remember the terms of that conversation. I turn to you, McElroy. Hello. This is a question of sheer fact. Either this conversation happened or it did not. And then we need to establish one way or the other. Did it happen? I will say that

a conversation happened, and I don't think it went the way that Builder described. So you remember being taken aside from the Everclear shots that you were doing? Yes. Out of a garbage bag to go into the hall closet to discuss the beard growing plans? Yes, the conversation pit. Though the discussing of plans, in my mind, it was pretty short and straightforward. It took Builder about 10 minutes to tell you the rules of beard chicken just then, when in my mind, the rules of beard chicken are very straightforward. You grow beards, the person who has their beard the longest wins beard chicken. Not the person who grows the longest beard. It's the person who goes the longest without

shaving. Do I understand that? It's the person who goes the longest without shaving. Do I understand that? Exactly. The longest amount of time without shaving. The first person to give up is the loser. And the other person is the winner until there's one beard standing. Exactly. Right. And what about trimming? Are you allowed to trim the beard or it has to be all natural all the time? No trimming. You just got to go and see where the beard takes you. Right. Go beard or go home. Is product allowed? I would be inclined to say product is okay. Well, how old were you at this time?

I was 22 years old, 21 years old. You're going to be lucky if you can get anything on your face, never mind whether it's waxable. My beard at the time was pathetic. I believe you sent in some evidence. Yes. Yes, I did. Okay. believe you sent in some evidence. Yes. Yes, I did. Okay. Let me review the evidence here.

Please. All right. McElroy, tell me about your evidence. You sent in a photograph. Is this you touching yourself in front of a Successories poster? Yes, that is. And as you can see, I have a pretty full neck beard, but really not much going on on the cheeks. No, I feel that.

I feel that. Yeah, for sure. That wasn't shaved at all? Nope. That was everything I could do. No, Jake, look, you're probably a virile person who can grow a full beard. I'm very manly. Yeah, but these nerds and I, we see beard to beard on this one in that it's common among those of us who own successors posters that we're unable to

grow a beard properly. So for example, you know that I've been growing a mustache. And I've been balancing it out with a little substash, which some people call a soul patch. The reason I'm growing these things is because that is the only thing that I can grow. And indeed, over the summer, I just sort of let it go to see what might happen. And the results were not pretty and vaguely in the shape of Australia on one cheek. So, McElroy, you have a condition where you've got whiskers coming in on the neck. You've got some burn sides on either side. And then the wisp of a mustache and an amazing Successories poster. And when I said you were touching yourself in front of the successories poster, I meant, I meant,

I mean, stroking your beard. And when I, and then when I said stroking your beard just then, I really meant touching the beard on your face. Yeah. No, you really the beard on his neck just to be precise.

Okay. Yes. I would, I would like to direct your attention to a later piece of evidence displaying my current beard, which is much more full. Uh, I've got really nice reddish tint at the chin and a very thick neck beard now. So this first picture in front of

the Successories poster is the beginning? The beginning of what my beard, my beard's potential. And now, and the after picture that you have sent me is, when is this, when was this one taken? That was taken, I think, a few weeks, maybe three weeks ago, and that's my beard at full fruition. So you've kept it going. I've had many facial hair phases in the last five years. Okay, so this is, it's not as though you've been

doing, you're still playing this game of beard chicken because you're an insane person. Once I declared victory in beard chicken, to kind of put an exclamation point on that, I shaved as you know, as a kind of, you know, of put an exclamation point on that, I shaved. To put an exclamation on my victory, I shaved. But since then, you've grown a little older. Just describing this picture, you've gotten a nice haircut.

Thank you. You've grown out your burn sides nicely. It looks like you maybe shaved between the burn sides and your goatee briefly, but now that's growing back in. You've got a full mustache. And apparently, you have chosen to never wear a shirt again. Yeah, well, I was doing a little bit of trimming and you don't want to get your beard trimmings all over your shirt. So I did have to remove my shirt for that. Okay. So, so these disgusting hairs all over your clavicle, those are beard trimmings as opposed to your actual body hair? It's probably a little bit of both.

Sure. And you're like, this is a photograph that I want to send in to Judge John Hodgman for him to put on the Internet. That was your choice? Well, I figured you might have some pretty nice connections. Maybe you could set me up with a modeling agency. Yeah, okay. You know what this looks like? When Suicide Girls starts having boys on their website, I expect to see this weird hipster as soon as possible on there.

Gross. Builder, you sent in some evidence too, some pictures of your facial hair configurations. Unfortunately. Describe it to me. What period is this? You're wearing a bases ball hat. Yes. You're kind of looking at the camera going, I got a beard. I hope my grandma doesn't hate me. That beard was the second beard, the early October beard.

That's a fine vintage. Is that early October on your face? Yes, that is very early October. So this is the beard once you commenced to regrow. Yes. After you shaved for your senior photo. Correct. Okay. And so about how long after you shaved it are we looking at here? The historical record is very hazy.

We did not document certain days, or I think it's been five years. It sounds like you guys have no memory whatsoever of what happened due to your love of tequila and five-hour energy drinks. Yes. You seem like good boys. We are. We're very good boys. Sure. Yes. No, you all seem like good boys. We are. We're very good boys. Sure. Just for the folks listening, Judge, if I could just say, looking at this incarnation this October, I would describe it as late to mid-period Yasser Arafat. Sure. To me, it looks like he's a five-year-old who fell mouth-first into an anthill.

It's really the same thing. How long would you say it takes for you to grow this fashion of beard approximately two weeks oh okay and now i have another i have another photo of of you here wearing a hat oh yeah and i think this was submitted by patley and here you're wearing your andy and not go hat and looking like theodore roosevelt that was the intent that i was definitely intoxicated at that party. Was this your hang your X-Men figurines from the roof on little pieces of string party? Because that's what seems to be in the background here. That was a permanent decoration in our apartment at the time. Ain't no party like an X-Men figurine party.

For the record, that was Mike's idea. I don't own any toys. Just a big old TR smile and an Andy Anotko hat. Yep. All right, Mr. McElroy. Yes, sir. You stipulate that a conversation happened. Look, I hear you, right? Because in a beard growing contest, you've got to be growing a beard to be in the contest. If you shave in the middle of it, that would seem to be the end under normal circumstances. That was my point. That would seem to be the end under normal circumstances.

That was my point. Right. But you stipulate that a conversation happened. Builder says that he proposed a rule change and he says that you agreed. Is that not so? I was unlike him. I actually was drunk at this party and I might have agreed. There's plenty of things I might have agreed to. But that, in my mind, is besides the point and the inherent rules of Be beard chicken, which are that if you shave, you lose.

Well, look, that might be the overall thing, but if you agreed to an exception to the rule. He might have tricked me and spoke in a low voice or something, but there's no way that I would ever agree to such terms. Are you saying you have vague memory, but because of your truncaness, you are not competent to make that agreement? Exactly. Do you think he got you liquored up in order to agree to this ridiculous scheme? That wouldn't be the first time.

Builder, did you slip McElroy or Roofie? Absolutely not. I'm an estate spin, sir. Describe to me the situation where victory was declared. Builder shaved for his senior picture, which is absurd. Then, Patley and i kept growing our beards sure patley is just in general a weaker man than i and just on because of girlfriend issues and you know other and just not being completely satisfied with his beard he eventually shaved leaving me as the only bearded person. Once I realized this, I made a grand declaration of victory

and shaved my beard in a ceremony and declaring victory. Meanwhile, after his senior picture, Builder had resumed growing a beard, started over, started from scratch, a new beard, and kept that beard past the date when I shaved, declaring victory as, in my mind, a protest beard. He was protesting that he lost beard chicken because he shaved for picture day. So he then grew that beard past the date when I

shaved and declared himself the victor. And because there was only honor at stake, this dispute could go on forever, right? It's not like any one of you claimed a particular prize and then ran off with it. Well, I've often proclaimed myself the champion beard grower of the apartment. And I always then countered that by declaring that I was the official beard grower. Whining. Whining. Yes. Patley?

Well, I'm the undisputed loser of beard chicken. That much is certain. You are the most neutral party, but I seem to have a picture of you here. That's right. Sitting on top of a mountain, looking out grandly at the distance and the great blue sky and the ridges of what mountain range is that? That's actually this past summer, 2011, in the Adirondacks on vacation. I was trying to fit the role of the rugged adventurer. So I grew out my beard again. Is this beard representative of the kind of beard you can grow? The beard I can grow actually

depends on angles. I would say it's just yes and no. I don't want to hear about your multi-dimensional beard and how you got to get a tesseract. That is a pretty good representation of the extent of the beard that I can grow. Because I'm going to say, even though you are without question, and you have stipulated yourself to be the undisputed loser of the beard contest, you've got the best beard of the three. Your top beard. Really thick. For those at home, it's really thick and red. He looks like Paul Bunyan. This is for real. You don't look like a weird naked hipster. Or a crazy Theodore Roosevelt impersonator.

This looks good on you. This is a full Ulysses. Yeah, exactly. I'd like to see that beard get a little bigger. Who do you think won this contest, Patley? I'm going to have to anger one of my dear friends with my decision, although it's not final. That's what growing a beard is all about. When you grow a beard, when you grow any facial hair, you're angering people. Maybe not everybody, but you are making a stand for something you believe in, even if the rest of the world thinks you look like a creepy pedophile.

Believe me, I know. As the one good beard grower among all of us, except for maybe Jake Tapper, who's the winner? Take a stand. I don't believe we would have gone forward with our beard chicken unless we were all on the same page. We may be fuzzy, but that must mean in my memory that McElroy agreed to something. So I would have to say Builder was the winner. Excellent. say builder was the winner.

Excellent. All right. Well, I will take that into consideration as I go into my chambers and comb my mustache. I will be back in a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom, gentlemen. Please rise. All right. While the judge is in his chambers making his wise decision, stroking his metaphorical beard.

I'm sorry if I was a little tough on you there, Patley, but I felt like you had something to say. I've been brewing for maybe five years, and you needed a little nudge. A beard represents manhood, and you obviously have, phallically, that manhood. I just felt like you needed a nudge. Well, actually, I guess I appreciate that nudge. No, I know you're going to anger McElroy, and he sounds, by the way, like of the two, he sounds a little tougher. Like he'd hold a grudge a little longer. Absolutely. Builder sounds like you could probably talk him out of his car for the weekend if you needed to.

I'm sage and wise. But in any case, I mean, you know, you're the only real witness. And that doesn't mean that he's going to rule in your favor, Bill, but I felt like it was. So I'm assuming the judge is going to come back any moment. I'm here. I'm back now. All rise, all rise for Judge Hodgman. Thank you.

Welcome back, Judge. We've been eagerly awaiting your return. Before I pass judgment, I just have two quick questions, two follow-ups that I was thinking about in chambers. May I presume that Dickinson College is named after Emily Dickinson? Because she had a beautiful, lustrous beard. No, actually John Dickinson. Who's that? He's the guy that walked out, or he's the only founding father who did not sign the Declaration of Independence. Interesting. Another guy who couldn't follow through. Hope is the thing with whiskers.

And the other question is from McElroy. Yes. Is Bilder a liar? I would say no. He's an honest man, just a confused one. Did he get an agreement out of you? I think, yes, he did. He manipulated me. Builder, I really

do not want to find in your favor. You seem like a nice guy. Thank you. But let's face it. When it comes to the game of beard chicken, you are a beard chicken. Like, from the beginning, you stipulated that you kind of didn't

want to play the game of beard chicken. And here is the thing that I alluded to before I went into chambers. Growing facial hair during a time when it is not the late 19th century is really a man's way of saying to the world, I am no longer part of civilization. I am going insane. Deal with it. Growing a beard or a mustache or whatever you're capable of sprouting on your face is when a person says, for better or for worse, I'm not saying that this is a bold maneuver. I'm not saying that this is a good thing to do. But it's basically telling your grandmother to shut up and go home. And someone who is afraid to have their photo taken with their

bad beard because of what grandma might say someone who then grows another beard and shaves it the moment a child teases him is not someone who should be growing a beard at all i'm not saying that you're not a brave and courageous person in general let's face it you're a tornado chaser do it man i'm just saying that the spirit i agree in this case with mcel, that the spirit of the beard chicken contest is the same as the spirit of growing a beard or a mustache or whatever you're capable of growing in any case, which is that you are making a compact with yourself and possibly with your friends to look terrible for a long period of time and to hang in there as long as you can.

And it's just like going on a diet or writing a novel. You got to get up and you got to do it every day. So let me say that in the spirit of Beard Chicken, there is no question that you are the loser. No offense, sir. But let me turn now to McElroy. Yes, sir. McElroy, now to McElroy. Yes, sir. McElroy, you can grow a beard.

Thank you. McElroy, you should put a shirt on. I do have one on right now. I'm not convinced. You may have thrown one on after I made fun of your picture. May have tossed on a t-shirt then. Because listen, you would like to believe that because you got a little tipsy and because the spirit of this thing is to grow a beard and not shave it off, because you don't exactly remember

the weird conversation you had in the conversation pit, that the agreement that you made to let builder chicken out on this beard chicken contest does not stand. But I don't care how many beards you grow. I don't care how many shirts you take off. You're not a man unless you stand by your word. And since you agree that you probably did agree to this whole thing, my goodness, even though I don't want to, I got to hold you to your contract just as I got to hold Builder to his contract. I'm sorry. So on your mock motivational poster in which you sent this picture, which will go on the internet along with your porny one later, there's a picture of a sinking ship. And it says mistakes.

And almost eerily from the past, you are sending to me a message that I'm saying to you. The subtitle, it could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others let this be a warning to all of you out there don't get drunk and agree to exceptions in a simple beard growing contest you're only being tricked by builder unfortunately that's exactly what happened here you got manipulated into something. You made an agreement. You have to stand by that agreement. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all.

Thank you, gentlemen. Appreciate your time. Thank you. Thank you so much. Beard champion of the apartment, Builder. Yes. Come forth and receive sentence. Here's the thing, Builder.

You won, but now you have to earn this. You understand what I'm saying? Earn this, Builder. Oh, no. Starting today, I want you to be growing a beard. I don't want you to stop if your grandmother says something. I want you to keep going. Otherwise, if in, let's say, eight weeks, I do not get a picture of you with as much beard as you can put together in that time, I have to cede the title to McElroy. McElroy, until such time, I don't want to hear about you

ever saying that you were the beard champion of that apartment, because it is not true. Do you understand? I humbly and respectfully accept that decision. I want you to say to Builder, congratulations, friend. Repeat after me. Congratulations, friend. No, no, no, no. Congratulations, friend. Congratulations, friend. Repeat after me. Congratulations, friend. No, no, no, no. Congratulations, friend.

Congratulations, friend. Thank you. Wait. You won the contest. You won the contest. Under the extremely weird, exceptional rule that you made me agree to. Under the extremely weird, exceptional rule that you made me agree to. But the extremely weird exceptional rule that you made me agree to. But I must acknowledge that I agreed to it.

But I must acknowledge that I agreed to it. And so I convey to you my congratulations. And so I convey to you my congratulations. This is the sound of a gavel. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. Judge John Hodgman rules. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all.

That is all. All right. There we go. Come on in, Bayless Jake, and get him out of here. So, gentlemen, I'm going to escort you out, but just to reiterate, Mr. Builder, we expect a photograph of you after Thanksgiving, and you cannot shave. after Thanksgiving and you cannot shave. I will stipulate that this probably will not go noticed at the National Weather Service where probably everybody has skanky facial hair. But you are now instructed to grow this beard if you want to keep this title.

You have an eight-week window after which the title is secure. If you do not follow through, then it goes to McElroy. Do you understand this? I understand this completely, and I am up for the challenge. Okay. Well, we're looking forward to seeing it. Gentlemen, get out of here. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, guys. And I'll absolutely snap a picture of him if I see him beardless. And I'll accept that to you. It's tough to tell with that horrible, his facial hair ability. And I'll tell you what, Builder. Where do you live now? In D.C., you say?

Yes. All right. If you snap a picture of yourself with a beard at your family Thanksgiving dinner, I will send you an autographed copy of my new book, That Is All, with a beard trimming kit attached. He doesn't have much beard to trim. That's an extra incentive. I want to put that photo on the internet. That really is it, guys. Thank you very much for coming to the courtroom. Thank you, Your Honor.

Thanks for having us. I'm disappointed, but I'll live. Go forth and get growing. So here are some cases for dock clearing, Judge Hodgman. I'm ready to go. From Jonathan. I need a ruling on sneezing etiquette. My coworkers insist that I'm being terribly rude whenever anyone sneezes,

and I don't say, bless you, or gesundheit, or any variation of such a pleasant word. Whereas I believe it's entirely unnecessary to wish any goodwill upon them after a sneeze and think that it only draws unnecessary attention to them after something so trivial as a sneeze. What's the correct procedure here? Of course, the reason that you say bless you is because it was once believed that a sneeze allowed Satan in through your nostrils. And so you had to chase them out. It is a superstition. when you say it was once believed you suggest that there are still people on this planet who do not believe it and i cannot believe that there have to be people who still think that you believe that it's satan

going in through the nostrils i'm agnostic professionally about everything as a journalist but i am stating that there are people i that i cannot believe that there aren't people who still think that. Of course. Well, here's the thing. But let's let's default to the realm of science. While you are a reporter, while you're a reporter for secular liberals, always with this going to the science. Yeah, no, I get it because you're you're a reporter for a major national network news operation.

So you're incapable of saying evolution is true and creation is religion. Were you there? Right. Of course. One side says this. One side says that there's some incredible scientific evidence to suggest that we've been around for, you know, millions of years. The other side, we were made up. Wasn't there one scientific evidence that the world is flat? Well, if you feel it, it is flat. That's different. Let's not pass value judgment. I know that you are incapable of defaulting to a true statement.

He said the sky is blue. She said the sky is red. Expert disagree. Jake Tapper, ABC News, Washington. Exactly. Very nice. But I'm going to say, for the most part, Satan is not waiting for you to sneeze in order to possess you. It's superstition that has evolved into etiquette. And I do think that you can let maybe one sneeze go by and sort of judge the situation. It's like, I don't need to say anything.

But if someone's having a big sneeze right next to you and you're alone, then it is just simple human politeness to say, are you okay? Can I get you a tissue? Gesundheit? But I prefer a more secular greeting such as, demons out! From

Grammy, a suggestion regarding our recent Scallops cast, in which a father offered money to his sons to try scallops. Grammy says, Mike should have offered his kids $5 for eating the first scallop on condition that they would have to buy the second scallop for $5. And after that, all subsequent scallops are free. No enjoy-o-mometer needed. That's an interesting incentive program, and I can see why you would think that would work.

Unfortunately, in a real-life trial, Netflix tried that this month, and it doesn't work at all. People just got angry. They did. That's why they separated off their scallops-by-mail business. Scallopster. Hey, Jake Tapper, so nice to have you back as guest bailiff. It's great. I'll do it another time. As you know, this media

business, you never know how long it's going to last, and I'm always looking for a backup plan. Well, I'm glad you consider us your plan B. I don't know if it's plan B. It might be like a tie for plan A, but since you're not actually paying me anything, I'm doing this for the love of justice.

You know, I do have mouths to feed. Well, thank you very much. And I know you're going to be busy with this upcoming presidential election. Well, I'll do this as often as I can. I guess it depends on how good the Skype connection is at the Motel 6 in Waterloo, Iowa. Right, exactly. I want to hear from you from when the first ballot is cast in that weird town in New Hampshire at 2 o'clock in the morning where they all ceremoniously cast their first ballots

and then they stone someone to death. I think that's the... Somebody ends up at the bottom of a well. Exactly. Once again, Jake Tapper, just such a delight to have you here as guest bailiff. Thank you so much. In coming weeks, Jesse Thorne will be back from his paternity leave to bailiff once more in the courtroom of Judge John Hodgman. Before I let you folks go, a bit of a point of personal order here. You know, Judge Sean Hodgman podcast is not something that I do for money. And indeed, I get very angry when people buzz market their products

and services on my podcast. But it's my podcast. So I'm going to tell you that my book, That Is All, it is my third book of complete world knowledge. And indeed, my book of final world knowledge comes out on November 1st, 2011. I hope that you will at least give it a chance. You may preorder it now on Amazon or the IndieBound or the BarnesandNoble.com. And then if you continue to listen to Judge John Hodren's podcast, I will tell you where I will be coming near you or maybe even to your town to read from it. I really enjoy talking to all you people very much. And so this is a special personal appeal. It's only my life's work. So will you maybe consider buying it?

Hey, thank you very much again from the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm very ashamed of myself now, but I hope you will forgive me. That is all. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Special thanks go out to all the folks who donate to support the show and all the shows at MaximumFun.org. The show was produced by Julia Smith and edited by Matt Gourley. Matt's own comedy podcast, Super Ego, which you can find in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find Judge John Hodgman online at AreasOfMyExpertise.com.

I've been your guest, Bailiff, Jake Tapper of ABC News. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, email us and be sure to include your phone number. The email is hodgman at maximumfund.org. You can also join us to discuss this case on our forums at maximumfund.org slash forum. Thanks for listening. Hey, Jake, how many copies of that is all can I put you down for then? Daddy! Daddy!

Oh, you just got saved like Indiana Jones when they cornered him and all the children run in to take him away. Well, I'll get you next time, Jake Tapper! I'll get you next time, Dr. Tapper! I'll talk to you later. Goodbye.