Judge John Hodgman - Blind Justice

Episode Date: September 21, 2016

Judge John Hodgman is in chambers this week with his Summertime Funtime Tribunal! Monte Belmonte and Joel Mann help the judge rule on gum etiquette, condiment sharing, hot chocolate labeling and more! Plus a listener-provided explanation of Cincinnati style chili.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm summertime fun time guest bailiff Monty Belmonte from W.R.S.I. 93.9 the river in Northampton, Massachusetts. One last time, I guess it's the it's the last day of summer. And yes, that was a Hamilton reference. Yes, indeed, Monty. This is this is September 21st broadcast date recording date september 2nd it is indeed almost the end of summertime fun time as is the very last episode this year of the judge john hodgman podcast that i

will be recording here in weru 89.9 in blue hill with uh some summertime intense guest engineer, Joel Mann. Hi, Joel. Hi, John. Oh my God, Joel. Wow. I need to clear your throat. And we are clearing the docket. Blind justice style. Yeah, blind justice style because my internet is so compromised up here

that I did not even see this thing until I got to WERU and I haven't had time to read it. And Monty also just received the docket so we don't know what the cases are and so we're going to be we're waiting and i've not even had a chance to even think about any of these it's going to be blind justice it's going to be snap judgment and it's just going to be freestyle end of summertime fling blow out love it and joel you're going to weigh in too okay i'm ready all right patrick writes it is the summer and very humid in kansas city so i frequently walk around my second story apartment

in no clothing to be more comfortable my wife page frequently becomes upset due to lights being on and curtains slightly open which she says makes it so neighbors who may be walking their dogs see me as i live more comfortably i believe that due to the fact that I live on a second story. Any person who sees me has to make an active choice to look into my windows and should not be surprised to see a person exposing privates in their private home. Should my wife stop asking me to put on clothes when it's so hot and sticky, or should I be more considerate of any possible passersby slash peeping Toms? All right.

Summertime, fun time. Guest bailiff, Monty Belmonte. I have an opinion on this. What is your opinion? Go. I think I hate nudity and I fear my own nudity probably because my mother referred to nudity as shamey all growing up. So my vote is is like a never nude from Arrested Development.

And yes, don't be nude in front of your windows. Although I appreciate other nude people. Well, sure. I mean, maybe you should go to Kansas City and appreciate this dude. Yes, I will. Your mother called it shamey? Shamey. And it didn't even dawn on me until I was in my 20s.

She called nudity shamey? Nudity was referred to as shamey. Oh, they're running around shamey. Catholic, you know. Well, yeah, I do know. My family's Catholic. I never heard that. I mean, we weren't a bunch of free lover nudists or nothing.

But still. Anytime that you can guilt somebody, I just think that that goes along with the territory of growing up Catholic in Boston. Yeah, well, I don't know. We've lived parallel lives in a lot of ways, but not in that one. I mean, we never used the term shaming. Let me put it that way. Nor did we walk around in the nude in our home. But then again, I never grew up in Kansas City, where I have heard things are up to

date and awfully hot. It gets hot in Kansas City. I was there. I was there for the Big Slick charity event that Paul Rudd and Rob Riggle and Jason Sudeikis run every year. And there's a lot of money for the children's hospital there. It's a lot of fun. And that was in June and that was plenty hot. And I'll tell you something, I wouldn't have minded a nude event. I think this guy should be allowed to, the guy should be allowed to do what he wants in his home. Shouldn't be walking out onto the sidewalk this way or going out and getting the paper or what have you.

That's a thing that we used to have, papers being delivered to your door. But if he's in an upstairs and wants to walk around in the nude, whether that is to beat the heat or have some excitement in his life or just walk from the shower to his bedroom, it's none of anyone's business what they see. If they're looking into windows, they take their chances. They might see some stuff. So don't look in people's windows is my, is the way I take it. And I'm sorry that his wife doesn't like his nude body. It's a little weird walking around in the full nude, not even an underwear. I don't even see how that, to me, that seems hotter and stickier than anything else. But I'm not going to begrudge a guy's habit. So I take the opposite position. And though I am usually the arbiter of right and wrong on this podcast, because this is the last time I'm going to see you for a while, Joel, I'm going to throw this to you.

Who's right, me or Monty? I have to go with Monty. It's his wife who doesn't like it. His wife doesn't like it. He's got to respect his wife's wishes. Wife doesn't like his shamey. Sorry about that Kansas City. Patrick, shamey. Put on a robe.

Alright. Joel ruled on that one. Joel rules. Joel. Alright. Let's move on to the next one. You know what? I never get to read these. So I'm going to read this one to you. Yeah, go for it. And this is totally blind. I've never, I don't even know what this is.

Mike writes, what is the proper order of operations for sports fandom and how does it apply to the legal precedent of liking what one likes? My God. There's a big wall of text. Let's see if we can get through it. Each year, my sports fan obviously you like sports joel sorta yeah that's right joe bird and the field hippies what what league did they play in american american uh was it the american mind-altering league their first album was

united states of america united all right they were a good they were a good team each year my wife and i alternate enjoying the u.s thanksgiving holiday all right you know what you get here i'm gonna mike listen to me first of all i know that it sounds like i say a lot of words and probably i do when i don't need to say as many as i should i'm up here in the land of eb white and that sentence was terrible what i just said was terrible it was don't need to say as many as I should. I'm up here in the land of E.B. White, and that sentence was terrible. What I just said was terrible. It was, don't use too many words. Just because I get away with it doesn't mean you should do it. Each year, my wife and I alternate enjoying Thanksgiving at either our home in Iowa City, Iowa, great town, or my mother's home in Lincoln, Nebraska, terrible town. Sorry, Lincoln. Never been.

Where we also are also able to attend the now annual, or you should say, where we also attend the now annual football game between the University of Nebraska and the University of Iowa. My father-in-law is a devoted Oklahoma fan. He recently moved to Des Moines, and we are happy to have him and his wife join us in the fall.

He's already made it clear that as a new resident in Iowa, he'll be cheering for the home team at the game instead of deferring to his hosts. I can't understand any of this. What? I think I get it. What is it? So his father-in-law is coming over,

and he's going to root for the home team instead of the team that he rooted for all along? It's either that or the opposite. He's going to vote. He's coming to Iowa and he's going to root for Iowa or he's going to root for Nebraska. He's going to root for Iowa, even though his son-in-law's favorite team is Nebraska. Got it. Because Iowa's a home team. I seek a clarification. There's no wonder Jesse Thorne does this a home team. I seek a clarification.

There's no wonder Jesse Thorne does this and not me. I seek a clarification to the JJ Ho internet legal precedent that one likes what he or she likes. Does one who likes what he likes simply because it is in direct contrast with what another likes get to lord that like over the other person? Or is that just being a doofus? Mm-hmm. In a practical sense. Oh this this is a relief i seek an order that my father-in-law must wear nebraska colors and cheer for my team or remain neutral in both dress and signs of support as he doesn't really have any skin in the game as it were in fact the order of operations for sports fandom would suggest

that he cheer for nebraska whenever they're not competing against his beloved Oklahoma Sooners. What? I don't care what you think, Mike. Let your father-in-law do whatever he wants. People still like what they like. Yeah. People like what they like. And what you're asking me is like, it seems like he's liking what he likes just to get under my skin.

Maybe he likes that. Maybe that's what he likes. So I'm going to let him like it because frankly you got under my skin and I'm looking for a little weird father-in-law revenge. So go Nebraska. No, go Iowa. Go Iowa. Go Hawkeyes. Hawkeyes, right? Iowa city is Hawkeyes. I guess so. I don't follow college sports at all. Okay, Monty, do you take a different position?

Nope, same position. That's the correct position, I believe. Okay, Joel? Let him root for whoever he wants to root for. Yeah, I mean, really. This is literally a tribunal, and we all say, you're wrong, Mike. I'm a Red Sox fan. And if I went to New York City because my son-in-law or somebody I loved lived there,

I would not wear Yankees. You could not pay me, well, if I was in a film or something, maybe, to wear Yankees paraphernalia. I just don't do it. No matter where I go. Right. Because I like what I like no matter who the other person is. Yeah. Yeah.

You were just, you're just stumping for the Red Sox. There's nothing, there's not even a parallel to this. Sure there is. This dude's going to Iowa City and rooting for Iowa City. Oh yeah, that's right. I thought that Iowa was his home team. That's right. He's doing the opposite.

Okay. Forget it then. I don't know. I don't even know what I think anymore. It was confusing because I read it bad and Mike wrote it bad. Both sides are to blame. We both have got to

read ours drunk and white. Go ahead. You read the next one, Monty. Josh writes, a colleague accused me of stealing mustard out of the break room refrigerator at work.

While I did not purchase the mustard, I submit that condiments, especially inexpensive ones in large containers, are fair game in a communal fridge. Anything that dispenses from a spout is meant to be shared.

Am I right? Well, Monty, I have an opinion. And that is, how does Josh know that the person who bought the mustard isn't using that spout to squirt it directly into their mouth? Maybe they're using that as a must as a mustard nipple in which case that would not be a shareable item but i would say generally speaking you start saying that you can't use my mustard you might as well be saying that was my salt packet from the takeout place. And I think you can tell by my simpering voice that I have no sympathy for the character I was just inhabiting. So I think Josh is wrong and the colleague.

No. So I think Josh is right and the colleague is wrong. Monty, what do you think? I think stealing all condiments is fair game. And sometimes I even take a little cup and steal mouthwash out of the bathroom. But somebody buys all the time and I don't even know who. Yeah. Now, if you got if you have mustard and it's your special mustard and you put a piece of masking tape on and say, this is mine.

Great Poupon. Monty's. Yeah, right. This is Monty's Great Poupon. Monty's personal mustard nipple. Then there's a different story. Right. But this is not a situation.

If you want to borrow that one, you have to say, pardon me, do you have any grape bouppant? And then I would say, yes, please have some from my mustard nipple, which I feel shamey about showing you right now. Joel, what's the protocol here at the WERU communal fridge? Here at Community Radio, we say it both ways. We have our own individual products, but then we do share the big bottle of ketchup and the peanut butter. This is a free-form community radio station. I thought none of you believed in property.

Well, we have had deep discussions about that, but the reality is that we do have our own personal property. And we don't want to share it. Don't mess with my yogurt. No. Well, yeah. Yogurt is different. You want some peanut butter? Go for it.

Right. Even peanut butter is different, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Who buys the peanut butter? The community. The community? Yeah.

Everyone has to tithe. Let's do a fun drive for ERU peanut butter right now. If you call WERU right now, you can buy the Skippy slash Chunky Nutty peanut butter. Yeah, what is the peanut butter? Now, Monty, you're way off. It's organic, no sugar, and you have to get a shovel to get it out. Chunky or smooth? Smooth.

Yeah, well, you're welcome to it. I'm not going to have any of that. I like chunky. What were you saying about peanut butter, Monty? We could do a fund drive for WERU's peanut butter fund. Yeah, but you said that peanut butter was different somehow. Oh, I think it is. Unless it's clearly marked as communal peanut butter.

Like yogurt, I think it stands in a different category. I don't view peanut butter as a condiment. I think that ketchup and mustard, there's no peanut butter nipple condiment i think that it's ketchup and mustard it's there's no peanut butter nipple i think it's on the line you have to understand i mean you look you you live in northampton so it's pretty crunchy down there but the number of vegans who are up here they may need that protein right away maybe an emergency situation but there is an understanding here in in the studios of wberu that peanut butter is go for it land and yogurt is i can't believe it's not disgusting

i can't i can't believe it's this disgusting you can keep it i don't want it yogurt greek yogurt or or reg greek greek oh that's pretty good yeah i'd like it too we have a communal sharing food place so it says here monty throw to break but i guess what i'm gonna do it because this is upside down land on the judge john hodgman podcast we'll have more items from the docket plus listener letters on Cincinnati-style chili after the break. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org.

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Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. We're back with the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I am Judge John Hodgman. We're clearing the docket in a topsy-turvy sort of way today. Blind justice, having not read a single word of any of the cases that were submitted. We're just getting them blind and we're judging them. And gravelly voiced guest engineer Joel Mann here at WERU.

Monty, of course, is down at WRSI, the river in Northampton, Massachusetts. WERU is in Blue Hill, Maine. WERU.org or WRSI.com. Calm. All of our condiments are purchased by our advertisers. Exactly so. And if you want to check out these fine radio stations and donate to their respective peanut butter funds, I highly encourage it. Meanwhile, we're moving on.

Who read the last one? I did. You did. Yeah, you got the easy one about mustard. I got the weird one about sports. Let's see. Let's see who wins this one. Emily writes, here's another five paragraph one.

What's going on? You're getting all the good ones. I am bringing this case against my husband of 12 years, Justin. Justin's way of chewing gum seems wrong to me. Right off the bat, this is the best case we've ever heard. Joel, mark it in the book. Is it marked? Marked. All right.

Monty, mark it in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts book. Marked. Marked both in Maine and Massachusetts. Best case ever. I usually keep gum in my purse, and oftentimes when we are driving somewhere, he'll ask me for a piece. He unwraps it, chews it for approximately 30 seconds,

and then spits the gum out the car window. I have a few issues with this. One, it seems wasteful of the gum to chew it for such. It was not wasteful of the gum. It's wasteful of your husband. But it seems wasteful to chew the gum for such a short time. Two, spitting gum out into the environment feels like littering because it is since gum doesn't break down quickly and is not native to the habitat outside the car.

Justin may also argue that something as small as gum barely impacts the environment, but she spits it. Additionally, he will say that the gum has lost its flavor after 30 seconds and has done its purpose of freshening his breath. So there is no point in continuing to chew it. I am seeking an injunction. I want Justin to no longer spit his gum at the car window. I would also like the judge to order him to supply his own gum if he wishes to continue

to chew it in this manner and for the judge to encourage him to chew it for longer than 30 seconds at a time. Monty Belmonte, I have an opinion on this. What is yours? She must be buying terrible gum if it's losing its flavor literally in 30 seconds, like, you know, the bazooka, the little comic book in there, that those are the only kind of gum that I've ever encountered that really in almost 30 seconds actually loses the flavor. That being said, you almost 30 seconds actually loses the flavor. That being said, you should chew the gum until the flavor is gone and then properly dispose of it. You can't, as she mentioned, throw it out the window because it is not native to that environment and does not break down. So I would issue that injunction if I were a judge and not a bailiff.

Right. I don't know. I know that you are a dot-com down there. You are a commercial radio station. So I don't know what you get for talking about bazooka bubblegum on my podcast. That's who pays for the peanut butter. I can openly trash their lack of flavor, but they still pay the bills. Well, since the door is open to this, I haven't had bazooka in a long time.

I don't like bubble gum. I'll tell you one I don't like. And this is sad because it was my mom's gum. It's Trident. That goes away after 30. That little nugget they give you, that little nugget, like, you know, it's not even a chicle. Tiny little rectangle. It's a tiny little rectangle. You barely have anything to chew in that thing. And yeah, it's not even a cheat clay. Tiny little rectangle. It's a tiny little rectangle.

You barely have anything to chew in that thing. And yeah, it's done for me, 30 seconds. Nine out of 10 dentists love it. I'm not saying it's, you know, people like what they like and they chew what they chew. But I'm a dentine ice guy. Big blast of menthol all in my mouth. And I'll chew it. I don't know.

I'm not timing it because I'm not someone's hyper attentive wife. I'll chew it until I'm done with it and then I will appropriately dispose of it. Or swallow it.

Yeah, I don't I don't I don't go that way. I do. I swallow it. You swallow it? I don't believe I don't believe in the old tale

that it's going to stay in your system for 100 years or whatever it is. Really? Yeah. All right. I swallowed watermelon seeds, everything. Never mind. End of friendship. Okay.

All done. Watermelon seeds? Yeah, why not? Oh, that stuff's good for you, right, Joel? Hippies know this watermelon seeds are good for you but i i don't think uh chewing gum i think it's disgusting yeah chewing all gum all gum yeah it's tacky stop it are you if you want to freshen your breath have a mint well okay so are you recusing yourself? Yes, I'm highly biased.

Right. Yes. But here's the thing, though. I have to step aside. Here's the thing. I think you're right. I don't like hearing people's mouths when they're chewing gum. Or watching them.

I don't like watching them. And it's very rare that I will chew gum. And I will chew gum when I wish to freshen my breath, which is an unusual circumstance because I do a crazy thing. I brush my teeth. I'm fine. And so when I chew gum, I'm essentially using it as a mint and therefore I will not chew it all day long. I will chew it like this dude chews it for a few, you know, for as long as it takes to get that gunky taste out of my mouth. And then I will get rid of it responsibly. So unfortunately for you, Emily, you are wrong. All three of the justices on this tribunal agree. Your husband is enjoying the gum the way he wishes to enjoy

the gum. And you as a gum chewer, an extended period gum chewer, are grossing us out, to be honest. But you can chew the way you want to chew, and he can chew the way he wants to chew. You are right in that he cannot throw it out the window. That is terrible. Stop doing that, dude. And if you don't feel like you want to share your precious gum, maybe you've got some expensive gum

that you really love to savor while you munch and moisten it. Then you're okay. It's okay to refuse him gum when he asks and tell him to get his own. Maybe he should just get some of those strips, those mouthwash strips that you put on your tongue. They look like future food. That's probably the best thing for him. Get some of those in the car, and next time he opens his mouth to thing for him. Get some of those in the car.

And next time he opens his mouth to ask for gum, shove one of those in his mouth. Then he can't even spit it out the window because it just dissolves. Yeah, that's right. That solves the chewing and the spitting. And the breath. We're just constantly solving mouth problems here at the Judge John Hodgkin podcast. All right. You get this one.

Kristen. Kristen. Kristen writes, I'm writing to ask you to settle a disagreement between myself and my friend and co-worker Alicia. Our office provides multiple subpar hot beverages for employee quote unquote enjoyment, including coffee, tea and packets of instant hot chocolate. Our dispute pertains to the hot chocolate. Our office purchases a certain national brand of hot chocolate endorsed by an adorable blonde girl living in the Alps. But not to be too generous, they only provide the quote no sugar added kind of the brand. I say that this is a fine way to describe the hot chocolate that the national brand is being upfront. They are adding no additional sugar to their already sugared cocoa mix. Alicia, however, argues that this labeling is incorrect because sugar was already added

to the cocoa powder, which does not have sugar in it naturally. While a seemingly simple and benign debate, our argument escalated quickly and cocoa is now the official off-limits topic in an otherwise excellent friendship. Please, Judge Hodgman, end this debate so we may continue our near-perfect friendship in peace. Is a no-sugar-added hot cocoa label inherently wrong and or misleading? Monty, I have an opinion on this. Do you? Yes. I'd like to hear it. Intentionally misleading, although under the, I guess, the letter of the law, perhaps not wrong, but I am not a fan of misleading labeling. Right. This is clearly a case where this corporate cocoa product is trying to trick people into thinking that it is somehow better for them when in fact it is just all powdered garbage anyway. Correct. I agree.

It's like when it says natural flavors on it and it's a raspberry product, it's most likely that it is a flavor expelled from a beaver's anus, not actually a raspberry. But it says natural flavors. I think that's, I agree with you. That's most likely. You're right. Look it up! Look it up!

I've read articles about, especially the raspberry flavor. Beware. If it says natural flavors, beaver anus. That's not something you just pulled out of your beaver anus? Nope. Yeah, I read my Michael Pollan. I read my Fast Food Nation.

And the difference between artificial and natural, quote unquote, natural flavors. Yeah. Labeling can be misleading right organic is a federally regulated term now um that does not necessarily mean that the food you're eating is most virtuous or raised near you or not shipped to you by plane or other carbon emitting thing uh it does not mean that that animal was happy necessarily or raised in pasture. It just means that certain check marks regarding antibiotic use were not used in the raising of that animal or that crop or what have you. Similarly, no sugar added is a way of

tricking you into thinking that somehow this packet of processed cocoa dust is somehow okay for you compared to the same packet from the same company. Your friendship would be, I agree with you, Monty, but I take this to another level. Your friendship is not being bedeviled by misleading labels, but the fact that you're drinking garbage cocoa. Stop that. Right? I mean, hot chocolate is, first of all, should be a rare treat in one's life. Why? If you're drinking hot chocolate every day,

then you're a baby. And you shouldn't do it. If you're a grown-up, you should only drink hot chocolate from time to time. And that thing that you drink from time to time should be the greatest hot chocolate

that should pass your lips because it's a treat. It should not be an easily made powdered chemical stew that doesn't even taste like proper chocolate. Take the time to make good. I like, I don't know if they still make it because there's been some Cadbury's labeling issues, but Cadbury's drinking chocolate. That's a chocolate that has been shaved such that you can put it in hot milk and it becomes a delicious thing. In this day and age, if you're still, and I'm going to name it Swiss Miss, if you're drinking that Swiss Miss, there's so many high-end hot chocolate.

Hot chocolate is one of the ways small foodie stores are most likely to steal your money. They want, there's so much fancy hot chocolate out there. To quote the wonderful Retta of Parks and Recreation, treat yourself. Don't. You'd argue less and enjoy life more. Joel? Labels are always wrong. I mean, look at it on the beer.

They say you can't operate heavy equipment. Oh, boy. That has never been a problem. I thought we were going down an Alex Jones main conspiracy theory bent. Instead, we're just going a much more mainstream, so to speak, main alcoholism bent. Instead, we're just going a much more mainstream, so to speak, main alcoholism bent. They're gum-chewing, chocolate-drinking young people who don't really

know what's going on in the world. Labels, you can't read a label. Labels are misleading, just like politics. Just whatever, don't look at the label. Whatever it is, just put it in your mouth. Well, we know they're not telling you the truth. Right.

Right. Invest in your own hot chocolate. Kristen is right, and Alicia is wrong. It is misleading and is also disgusting. I also looked up the beaver anus thing, and the beaver anus thing, it's called castoreum, and it is used as a food additive, but Snopes lists it as mostly false in that it's mostly used in the fragrance industry now as opposed to the food industry, but it is true that it has been used in the past.

As a flavoring? As a raspberry flavoring. So if you see, if you're in the break room at WERU 89r-u 89.9 blue hill or w-r-s-i 93.9 the river and you see a big uh a big bottle that's labeled castoreum don't even read the label just go ahead and drink it drink it because all labels are lies tastes like raspberry jo Joel. Yeah. All right. Finally, here is a letter we received from Zach regarding a recent topic on this show, Cincinnati-style chili. Are you familiar with this, Joel? Never heard of it. All right.

Cincinnati has weird ideas about the service of chili. Specifically, that it should be served not over rice, but over spaghetti. Spaghetti. There are two main purveyors of this type of chili. Skyline Chili and Gold Star Chili. This is the letter, by the way. Zach writing. Continuing as Zach. The general consensus is that Skyline provides a superior product and is generally favored throughout the city and region. The staples of Cincinnati chili are the conies and the ways. Cheese conies are small boiled hot dogs on a steamed bun. Mustard and onions are added, followed by Cincinnati style

chili, which is typically heavy on cinnamon and the meat within is ground very fine. And then it is topped with a mound of finely shredded mild cheddar cheese so joe i i misled you there because there was no spaghetti in there in the mid in the midwest a coney refers to a hot dog that is served drenched in in chili and you eat it with a you don't eat it as a sand well listen to what i almost said you don't eat it in the style of a sandwich. It's never that I said there was no similarity between a hot dog and a sandwich. I was saying a hot dog is its own thing and never more its own thing than when it is served in Cincinnati under a gallon of cinnamon chili. But here's the other part. Now we're getting back to what I was talking about. Other ways are as follows.

A three-way chili is spaghetti, chili, and a mound of cheese. Four-way includes either onion or beans under the cheese. And a five-way Cincinnati chili includes both onion and beans under the cheese. Typically, diners are provided with a small bowl of oyster crackers before their orders arrive. Many people put hot sauce on the oyster crackers. Pretty complicated. Yeah. Yeah, wow.

By the time you hear this, I will have already appeared with my good friend Sarah Vowell in Toledo, Ohio, where we did a joint appearance there that I am sure was great. I love Ohio. I've never been to Cincinnati, but I've been to Ohio many times. Love it. Great state. Wonderful state. One of the great, great, great states. But that's like you guys must be bored out of your minds. You're putting hot sauce on oyster crackers. I love it. Fantastic. it out of your minds. You're putting hot sauce on oyster crackers. I love it. Fantastic. A typical order might sound like this. Small four-way onion, two cheese conies, no

mustard. End quote. Hope this clears things up, says Zach. It just actually posed more questions and introduced more mysteries. And if I'm able to do some investigation further into this, I'll let you know. Hot sauce on crackers is not only a really almost Baroque thing to do when you're already eating chili on top of spaghetti, but it's a great expression.

Hot sauce on crackers. That's a great expression. I was eating all natural potato chips. Oh, you were? All natural. All natural. Right. And the waitress wanted to know if I wanted any dipping sauce for potato chips. Oh, you were? All natural. All natural. Right. And the waitress wanted to know

if I wanted any dipping sauce for my chips. I thought that was kind of odd. Right here in Maine, in Brewer. Oh, well, things are different in Brewer. Yes, they are.

Everything's legal in Brewer. But do you want to dip your potato chips in something? It's like, what? Monty, you ever dip your potato chips in a dip? Like, any kind of dip? Well, yeah, sour cream and onion dip. That's about it, yeah. Right. It's like, what? Monty, you ever dip your potato chips in a dip? Like any kind of dip?

Well, yeah. Sour cream and onion dip. That's about it. Yeah. Right. But this was, she had all kinds of other things. What kinds of other things? Are you buzz marketing some diner and brewery? Because I'm going to go.

It was almost like salad dressing, you know, some ranch salad dressing or something like that. That's delicious. Yeah. Honey mustard? No. No. No.

Go to the diner and order small four-way onion, two cheese, conies, no mustard, and see what they do. And then put hot sauce on whatever they bring to the table. No, I'm not going to do that in Maine, Monty. It's one of my last days in Maine. And I'm going to go to the Blue Hill Fair, and I'm going to eat a naan sandwich called a hot dog. A coney sandwich. No. What else?

Joel, last- Bianca sausage. If you can get one of those at the fair, you'll win that. Now you're buzz marketing. Bianca sausage was a big local sausage maker. They make great sausages. And they make a sausage that I think you would enjoy, Monty, having grown

up in New England. It's called Chinese sausage. And the flavor, it is the flavor of those bright red spare ribs you used to get in suburban Chinese restaurants outside of Boston.

You know what I'm talking about? Yes, I love that stuff. It's that it's really and I'm making no comment whatsoever on the geographical or cultural accuracy or appropriateness of calling it Chinese sausage, but it is truly something that I have never had in my mouth before that I find delicious. And it just reminded me of one thing. I was trying to think of what the weirdest Maine culinary thing that I've encountered. What would that be?

And I'll give you a hint, Joel. Okay. Is it off the road? You mean literally off the porcupines off the roadkill? Right, roadkill. Is it a piece of gum off the road? Right. A piece of gum and some porcupine?

That's a good lunch. Is it a piece of gum off the road? Right. A piece of gum and some porcupine. That's a good lunch. No, but anyone who lives in Maine who has eaten this staple of gas station cuisine should never make fun of Cincinnati five-way chili. Do you know what I'm talking about? No.

Monty, do you know what I'm talking about? You can't guess i'm assuming it's not fresh bananas here it's not fresh bananas it's unique to maine uh it's i've only seen it in maine though my uh internet research suggests that it is a new england regional thing no idea no idea oh and and i remembered it in the context give us a hint of chinese sausage yeah that's right now you're now you know who the real judge is here these two guys came into my tribunal silenced chop suey chop suey yeah Chop suey? Yeah. Never. Never. I'm not talking about American Chinese food.

I'm talking about chili mac. It's basically, well, here's what the Wikipedia says. American chop suey is an American pasta dish popular in New England. Despite its name, it has only a very distant relation to Chinese and American Chinese cuisine. It consists of elbow macaroni and bits of ground beef with sautéed onion and green peppers and a thick tomato-based sauce. You got any gum? I know.

You want to freshen your breath after that? I can't believe you haven't seen this. Where did you have it? The Eggemagen Country Store. They had a big sign out front, chop suey. I went in expecting to see some sort of like Americanized Chinese food, but it was like Italian food. I think it was shells in this case with like a bolognese ragu sauce on it and bell peppers. And I've seen it two or three other times chop suey we used to have it

on our school lunch menu all the time and i was never getting that that time that it's just the grossest i i can't stand american chop suey but do you recognize it now was it a tomato was it tomato sauce on shells or you know pasta well i know what american chop suey is but i would not think of that as roadside food in Maine. No. Well, no, it's like cafeteria food. I think it's gross school lunch food, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what roadside food in Maine is often, too.

No offense. Friday's pizza day in Maine. I could talk about the casting in. I feel sorry for the editor who's going to have to make sense of all of this. But, yes, American Maine roadside chop suey is the Cincinnati five-way chili of the northeast. That is my ruling. Judge

John Hodgman rules on this docket and all of it. And now we have to talk about what's coming up. Today is the last day of summer. I say farewell gratefully to Joel Mann. I hope to see you next summer. I surely hope so. It'll be I hope to see you next summer. I surely hope so.

It'll be very, very sad to see you go, John. Well, that's all right. But and by the time this airs, I will have seen you laying down bass at the Port City Music Hall at the Judge John Hodgman Live Show, which is at this point in the future. But by the time this airs in the past, didn't we have a great time, Joel? We did. It was fantastic. Thank you so much for inviting me and uh i just can't thank you enough but still in the future the real future that we all share currently our shows in london are selling really really quickly this is part of the london podcast festival in fact as of yesterday i learned that we only had 15 tickets left to the

Saturday show. I don't know what's going on with the Sunday show. By now, Saturday may be sold out. But I do hope that you will go to johnhodgman.com slash tour and check out the tickets for those shows by following the links or going to maximumfund.org and check out the event sidebar. fund.org and check out the event sidebar. What's more, other Maximum Fun shows are also going to be there, including Bullseye, International Waters, and the Beef and Dairy Network. So please, once again, go to johnhodgman.com slash tour or the event sidebar at maximumfund.org for tickets to all of these great shows in London at the London Podcast Festival. Cannot wait to see all of our listeners there before they Brexit into whatever other dimension they're going to. That'll be fun.

If you'd like to submit a case to Judge John Hodgman, you can do so at MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho. If you want to email us, it's Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. Our engineers this week were Joel Mann at WERU in Blue Hill, Maine, and Christian Duenas at Maximum Fun. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. Thanks for listening to the blind justice of Judge John Hodgman. Happy birthday, Michelle, Joel's wife, whose birthday it was yesterday,

and goodbye to all of my friends in Maine. See you next time.