Judge John Hodgman - Captain Do Not Disturb

Episode Date: April 15, 2026

It's time to clear the docket! Is your husband allowed to text you during the workday? Is your sister lying about a honeydew allergy? What is the correct number of lamps? All this and much more, including the best diss we ever heard yelled at a parade. Have a dispute that you can’t settle? Are you a hockey lover, a book-tok lover, or just…a lover in general? We are gathering your most HEATED Rivalries slash disputes for a very special upcoming episode. We’ll pass judgment on everything from hockey etiquette to your favorite literary smut (said with support and affection)! Submit your cases directly to the court at: maximumfun.org/jjho   Judge John Hodgman is member-supported! Become a member to unlock special bonus episodes and more. Memberships start at just $5 a month. Just tap here!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're clearing the docket this week. And joining me is the judge himself, Judge John Hodgman. Hi, John. Hi. Is it Jesse? Yeah, that's right.

I got spring fever, Jesse. And I'm not talking about merely a fever. Pollin is upon us, for sure. But as we are recording this and as it is released, we are going to be in the thick. The thick, pollin-hase of spring, I have my window open. Because who cares? It's a docket. We're going to rollic in this docket and have a lot of fun together,

clearing some old cases from the old mailbag. And I'm hoping that I'm going to see a cardinal fly by my window. Oh, that sounds nice. I'll tell you what. There's, you know, I don't know. I'm not a birder. But I'll tell you what, Jesse. You know what?

I was walking through Bryant Park. You know Bryant Park in New York City? It's right behind the New York Public Library. former home of my friend Luke Burbank's NPR show, The Bryant Park Project. Yes, that's right. Our friend Luke Burbank from the live wire radio program used to host with a show from Bryant Park with Allison. Allison Stewart. Stewart.

The woman who asked Bill Clinton, boxers or briefs. Is that true when she was on MTV News? That is true. Now she hosts the afternoon talk show on WNYC here in New York City. Anyway, I was in Bryant Park. I'm on a project of my own, which was called Killing Time, before meeting my friend Jesse Thorne for dinner at Keene's Steakhouse. Oh, and they're friends, the floppers.

And the floppers themselves, Stu and Dan, Dan, McQuay. What I did not expect when I was wandering into Bryant Park, I thought I would just sit there and stare into the middle distance, maybe do some people watching and beautiful afternoon in Bryant Park. But I saw a bunch of people sitting on the ground with cameras and telescopes. and it's because the woodcock had arrived. Oh my gracious, the woodcock? The woodcock.

The first woodcock. I thought maybe you'd say Robin Redbreast was there, but... No, sir. No, sir. As we would say in New England, no, sir. It was a woodcock, Jesse, sitting under a bush, rocking back and forth, because that's what a woodcock does. Everyone should go and look up a video of a woodcock rocking back and forth.

Look, you don't have to tell me. me what a woodcock does. How many, how many cocks would a woodcock cock if a woodcock could rock? And it does rock. I'm just move along past that one very quickly. But I'm not a birder, but I enjoyed sitting with those burders observing that woodcock going, what? Sitting under a bush. Now there are a bunch of them in there, but I've already seen one, but there are a bunch of woodcocks and Bryant Park. Apparently, they go there every year. And similarly, in the yard behind my office, there are often, there's a pair of cardinals, because I believe that. their mate for life types.

And maybe I'll see one today. If I see one today, I'll pee-wee-herminant and I'll yell real loud. But in the meantime, we're going to hear some, we're going to hear some cases. We're going to spend some justice. You, me, and hey, is Jennifer Marmer jumping in on this one? Does this old J-Splot or what?

I think we'll find out. I think we'll find out. Let's get into the dog. Where's our first letter from, Jesse? Denver, Colorado. Natalia writes, my sister Camilla has been lying to me for 25 years. Wow. You know, who says our show isn't juicy? That's juicy. She says she's allergic to honeydew melon. Yep. Also juicy. We're not afraid to get real.

I mean, if you get them right, if you get them right, a honeydew is a juicy melon. But she isn't and you never get it right. Absolutely never. Never. No one has. ever successfully chosen a ripe honeydew melon. Okay. But she isn't. She had one bad reaction one time when we were in Wales, but I've seen her eat honeydew on several occasions. Now, I work in the service industry. I take allergies seriously. I want Camilla to admit that she has never been allergic to honeydew melon. I also want her to admit that I'm right about something because she's always right about everything. I'd like to be right for once.

Yeah, I wasn't listening because I need to share this video with you. This is a wood. This is a woodcock. This is a woodcock. Watch this guy go. I don't know if you could hear the audio. That's how a woodcock walks.

They have a really great strut. Check it out. Go anywhere on YouTube. You'll see what I'm talking about. Oh, and while you're over in YouTube, why don't you subscribe to Judge John Hodgman Pod on YouTube? That's our YouTube channel. It really helps people discover the podcast.

Now, honey-dew melon. First of all, what's your favorite kind of melon, Jesse? Wow, that's a great question. They got a kind of melon. There's a melon guy at the farmer's market in Pasadena. Yes. And when the melons come in, you know, he has them as they rotate through seasonally. Yeah.

There's one that's sort of like a, it's like a cantaloupe. Tastes maybe half cantaloupe, a little bit of honeydew, but then also, it has a little bit of acid to it. It's called like a lemon drop or something like that. I like that. And this thing is only, it's only there for a few weeks. But when it's there, I'm always buying one. And the nice part about that is, if you're buying your melons from a melon guy,

he's going to tell you exactly when to eat it. All right. I'm going to say this. My favorite melon, I've got to say watermelon. It's really kind of iconic. I like my watermelon, John, with tahin on it. That's not, that's, I, for a moment, I thought you meant tahini, the, the sesame paste sauce. Yeah, I paste it up a little bit.

Yeah. Sure. You're talking about some chickpeas on there. That, that, that, that, that spice combo that you get in, uh, in Latino markets. Yeah. I mean, I live in Los Angeles. They got it at the regular market. They got, look, everyone's got tajin everywhere.

I know, I know. I know. I'm behind the top. We're talking about it's a mix of salt, chili, and powdered lime. Yeah. That's a delight. I do, I will mess around with a cantaloupe from time to time. I do love a melon baller.

I love balls of melon. Honeydew sounds like it should be so delicious, but it is usually so not for me, I guess. It always, as you see, it's truly so difficult to find the right. amount of ripeness for a honeydew and you always just end up feeling like you're eating breakfast at a residence in. Well, I mean, if they've got a steam tray of sausage patties, I'm very happy. Yeah, that's true. Anyway, back to Wales.

The famous, the famous allergenic honeydew of whales, of Cardiff, I suppose. I don't know. There could be lots of places to go in Wales. Yeah. It's either Cardiff or R M L-F-F-F-F-F-F-R-L-L-F-M-L-R-F-F. Robert L-Wellen-Wellen was the original, not bailiff, but introducer on the People's Court in the Wapner era. Llewellyn is a famous Welsh name. That's how I started to learn about the funky spellings.

of the Welsh. Anyway, Camilla says Natalia's been lying to her. She had one bad reaction one time when they were in Wales. Now, again, this letter is, you know, it's been, it's been lingering in the mailbag for a bit. And I reached out to Natalia to say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what kind of reaction? And did she have you observed her eating honeydews since then? Or has she stopped before then? Some details are missing. I've not heard back from Natalia. I'm sorry to say Natalia for all I know has gone on to listen to a more popular podcast. But in the meantime, she's seen her eat honeydew on several occasions, it says. Right, but is that before or after the Welsh incident?

You know what I'm saying? Oh, okay. I don't know. But let's just say for the sake of argument, right, that Camilla had a bad reaction to this one honeydew melon. And in the, and that was, let's just say, 25 years ago in Wales. And then over the past two and a half decades, has, has, let's say, several times messed around with a honeydew again and has not gone to the hospital. Does that mean that Camilla has been lying to Natalia all this time? I mean, I get it.

I appreciate that you take allergies seriously in the service industry and you probably have dealt with a lot of people if you're a, if you're a, if you're a, if you're a, a server or a chef, a lot of people who come in and say, I have a sensitivity or I have an allergy to gluten or to a certain kind of food. And then you're like, okay, well, we can't guarantee that there will be no cross-contamination of gluten. Our kitchen is not set up that way. And they're like, that's okay. I'll just have a little bit of bread then. Like, you know, people who are not playing fair, as it were, using the threat of an allergy. And this is anecdotal evidence that I have from people on the service industry and on Reddit.

But, you know, people come in, they'll use an allergy to try to fine tune their food for themselves or whatever, and it's hard for the kitchen. I get it. People are out there doing all kinds of stuff. But I don't think you need to turn on your own sister. I don't think your sister is lying to your face. I think that's a little bit overboard. If I may, Natalia. I think she probably had some kind of bad reaction and feels sensitive. Even if she does not have a physical sensitivity that has been proven by a allergist's test.

She has an emotional sensitivity to it, and I think you should respect that, I suppose. My wife, when she was living in Cuba, ate some shrimp that troubled her. Yeah. She ended up in the, you know, Cuba has more doctors than it has people. You know, it's like New Zealand with sheep. I did not know that. Yeah, they got so many doctors in Cuba. That's like the one thing Cuba exports is doctors.

But they don't have the strongest healthcare system other than having a lot of doctors. Right, okay. There were some, this is 20 years ago, 25 years ago, so maybe it's different now. But she had a lengthy interaction with the Cuban healthcare system after eating these shrimps. and my wife will no longer eat shrimps. Right. Now, she won't say she's allergic to them, but she definitely has an emotional reaction to shrimp. She's off them.

Yeah. She's off the shrimps. Sorry, shrimp. Now, that said, our friend Mario Reyes, who helped us out at our bellhouse shows in New York the other day. What a delight. When Mario was working for me here in Los Angeles, she told me, about a special day she celebrates once a year. Oh, yeah.

She has a pretty serious shellfish allergy. Oh, no. But once a year, she takes a bunch of pedidrelle and goes to the Marisco's truck and just eats a ton of shrimp. Wow. Yeah. Maybe Camilla has been jamming an epipen before having her honeydew now. You know what I mean? Maybe she's taking some precautions.

I don't know. I mean, where I'm hung up, though, is Natalia saying, I want Camilla to admit that she's wrong because she's usually right about everything and I'd like to be right for once. And since Natalia is accusing Camilla of lying to her for 25 years, these are adults. And I feel sad that Natalia feels in her sisterly relationship

that she never gets to be right and that Camilla is always right. I'm sure that that's not true. I'm sure that you're right about a lot of things, Natalia. And I think you deserve your sister to acknowledge that. And if your sister won't acknowledge that you're right about certain things or that she's wrong about certain things, then that's something for the two of you to work through. But I don't think you should drag the melon into it.

People need to, people feel some kind of way about all the food they eat. And if she's been cheating on her sensitivity, by having some honey-dew on the side, I don't think that's a fight for you to pick. But, you know, you lose nothing by forcing her to admit that she didn't have the experience that she supposedly had in Wales. But you gain a lot by having a sister.

So work out your, she's always right. I'm always wrong stuff with her and a therapist and leave mell and out of it. That's what I say. All right. Here is a case from Jessica. I'm known in my house as Captain Do Not Disturb. I spend most of my day in meetings where I cannot respond to text or calls. At home, I find

constant notification stressful and intrusive, so I always keep my phone on silent. I check my phone frequently and I do respond to texts, just not immediately. My partner says this is inconsiderate and even dangerous. Obviously, I want to be reachable in a crisis, but mostly my partner's text messages are about dinner plans, groceries, or memes. I ask you, Judge Hodgman, does love require me to live in a state of perpetual alert? You know what I just texted my wife, John? What?

Do not disturb me? I'm podcasting. You know about my favorite subreddit R slash dogs on roofs? I'm realizing now, you're the reason that I got into Reddit all these years ago now. It was originally magnet-fixing. that got me intrigued and then that you were following. And yes, I do know you love dogs on roofs.

There was a post today in R slash dogs on roofs. It wasn't a dog on a roof. It was. Uh-oh. John, I guess I got to send it to you. I'm sending you this, John. All right. Okay, hang on.

How are you sending it to me? I text to you. Oh, no. For the, for the, for the, I mean, if you're watching on the YouTube, you're seeing this right now for the listener at home. The title of the post is not on a roof, but it's close eight hours ago. And of course, they forgot the apostrophe in it's, but it's whatever. And it's not on a roof, no, but it is a dog on top of a kitchen cabinet. Kind of ducking down under the ceiling.

A built in, in the space between the top of a built-in kitchen cabinet and the ceiling. Yeah, and there are two other dogs looking. This dog's human is looking at this dog going, what are you doing up there? And these two other dogs are like, how did the dog get up there? How did you get up there? He's like eight feet above the ground.

I don't know. How do you get up there? I don't know. It's so cute. Did you ever put Junior the dog on a roof? Oh, my God. I would love to put, I'd love to put Junior on top of the kitchen cabinets, I'll tell you that. I mean, here's what I'm concerned about.

how many people are, how many of these posts on dogs on roofs? And that is dogs on roofs are O-O-O-F-S. How many of them are natural dogs on roofs and how many of them are dogs have been put on, yeah. A hundred percent natural. Dogs love going on roofs. They love going on roofs. Because they like to take the high ground where they can, you know, check out their territory. What's weird is that for a bird, Woodcock doesn't like to be on a.

roof, Woodcock likes to be under a bush. It's the pageantry of nature. And a cardinal mates for life. I'll tell you, we, in our family, we've, and there are all kinds of settings on phones these days, where you can set a do not disturb for everyone in the world except for certain people you choose. So for me, when I go on Do Not Disturb, I know that in the, in the, in the, event of an emergency or even a stray thought. My wife was a whole human being in our own right can get through to me.

Both of our adult children who are whole human beings in their rights can get through to me. And also I think I allowed Bruce Campbell the actor to get through to me, as needed. The wonderful actor, Bruce Campbell. So I don't understand why this is an issue for Jessica, aka Captain Do Not Disturb, unless two things are possible. One, this letter is so old, it's before these technologies were available. Two, that in fact, Jessica has silenced their partner.

So, you know, my partner's text messages are about dinner plans, which you've established as something in your relationship you like to get immediate response on. And fair. Groceries? Yeah, I can see that. And memes. Maybe it's too many memes.

Maybe it's too many dogs. on roofs. But to the basic question, does love require me to live in a state of perpetual alert? Well, I wouldn't put it that way. I would say that you have an obligation to see and acknowledge messages from your partner. That is part of the deal. Doesn't have to be written in your vows if you happen to be married. But I do think that you need to at least give a thumbs up or some kind of tap back reaction when your partner texts you to acknowledge, got it, seen it, I see and hear you because I love you.

And I understand that you are keeping your phone on silent because it is stressful for you both at work and at home if you have a high-pressure job where you're being constantly bombarded. You do need your introversion time. But you have to let your partner in, I think, and I'm right also. That's the other part of my thinking. I'm correct.

But I would say that if your partner is sending you too many memes for comfort, that's a conversation to have with your partner. Like, I, you know, during these times of days, I cannot, I cannot take in your dogs on roofs. I don't know why. They're adorable. I can't take in your Woodcock videos right now. I'm trying to contribute to our household.

I have one piece of advice for modern life. I love it. Turn off a bunch of freaking notifications on your phone. Yes. Almost all of them. Are stupid. Message is fine. Do you need notifications from literally any other app on your entire phone?

Unless you have a very specialized life and you need to know when it's going to start raining again. What are the dumbest ones? I'm just going to take a look and look at some of the, I'm going to name and shame. some of the dumbest notifications I've gotten. I do not need to know, as much as I love it, I do not need to know that the afternoon call-in show on Maine Public Radio called Main Calling has just dropped a new episode on colorectal cancer.

Don't need to know that. Nope. What else do I got here? You might like to go take a look. I'm going to look at this video of a Woodcock again while you take us to break. Okay, let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second

on on judge john hodgeman welcome back to the judge john hodgman podcast we're clearing the docket here's something from susan in alexandria virginia i'm looking for a lifestyle transition specialist realtor well you're just going to want to find you're going to want to use my my aunt debby miller easy is that no that's not what it says this would be a good thing i got very confused there for a second anywhere between alexandria and arlington okay my husband and i often receive large Lego sets for Christmas. It takes us months, sometimes even years, for us to finish one. This year, I began our Christmas Lego set without my husband. He's mad that I started without him. This offends him as a completest, but it's been five months, and I fully intend to destroy what I started.

Whoa. Wow. Who's right? Well, you mess with Lego, Jesse, you ever mess with Lego? I do not have the follow the Lego instructions, Gene. I don't mind building stuff out of Lego, but I get very little to no satisfaction out of completing a Lego set according to the instructions. Yeah, I mean, that's the big, that's the big divide, right? I mean, when I was growing up, there weren't really Lego sets in the way they are now,

which are essentially model kits, where you follow very minute instructions. to build an Iron Man or whatever. I mean, I guess there were the space Legos, but I feel as though the way we all played with them was you just dumped them all in a bin and built whatever you wanted to build. And that's wonderful.

I just, I inherited a bin of Legos. That's how I played with Legos. On the other hand, you know, our son, whole human being, et cetera, and I, both, have enjoyed, our son in particular, enjoys making sets and following the instructions. And having done that with him from time to time, I agree it's quite meditative.

So I really think that it's sort of like equal styles of play in the same way that reading a book and listening to an audiobook are equivalent experiences. One is not better than the other. They're simply different. And I'm enthused because they have now introduced a recently, it's on pre-order, a Tintin Lego, Tintin, the famous Belgian boy reporter and companion to an elderly drunken sailor, and they live together in a chateau in France and solve mysteries,

famous and not uncontroversial a cartoon product by Erge. But in any case, I grew up reading Tintin, and they have made a moon rocket Lego, which is exciting to me because it's Tintin, but not so exciting to me because I don't like those books. And I don't like that rocket. No way a rocket would work that way.

It's a handsome rocket. It's a handsome rocket. It looks great, like all of the Lean Claire illustration by Erj. it's so beautiful to look at when not dabbling in the earlier books in racist stereotypes. But Erge had a huge awakening towards class and racial consciousness

that is reflected in his later work. His earlier work is, yeah, anyway, of its time, shall we say. But by the time they're going to the moon in Destination Moon and Explorers on the Moon, a two-part, Tintin story, it's mostly benign adventure stories

with some rudimentary basis in science. I love Destination Moon because that is the one in which Cuthbert Calculus, the person who is hard of hearing, the scientific genius who designs the rocket who's hard of hearing and is usually a butt of everyone's jokes because he can't hear properly

and he's constantly sort of wandering through life, misunderstanding the world around him, and everyone has to get out of his way, suddenly uses a hearing aid and yells at Captain Haddock for making fun of him. And it's a profound turn of the tables. I don't know. Anyway, I still don't like that one. It's not my favorite one.

When they start making a model ship of the unicorn, or especially, this is my wife, whole human beings idea, of Professor Calculus's underwater shark. shaped submarine, I will be buying that Lego. I love that. It's a cool submarine, yeah. It's a cool sub. I like making a Lego set.

I want a Lego set of, from the Babbar, Babar and the Woolly Woolly. Yeah, Babar and the Woolly, I want a Lego set of Ritaxis's bedspread. I was going to say rhinoceros city with all of those ziggurats. Yeah, that bed spread is something,

that old bedroom. Huh. All these years, you and I have never talked about Babara Tintin. Well, let's leave it there. That's exciting to explore next time we're in a car together for a while, which will be soon, by the way. But in the meantime, let's return to Susan and Susan's husband in Alexandria, Virginia. What do you think about this one, Jesse?

The husband does not want to... The husband doesn't want Susan to start the Lego without him. She said it's been five months, which means that she wrote this in in May. or June. After the Christmas in question, that's correct. And she offered to destroy what she's built. That to me is the tragic coda of this letter.

Go back to zero. Go back to zero. I mean, this is similar to a lot of disputes we get. It was like, my, you know, we're trying to watch this TV show together as a couple, but my, you know, spouse doesn't, pay attention or, you know, I'm trying to watch it and they're asking me to wait five weeks until they can get around to it and I really want to watch it. I get it. Like once you watch all of Broad Church or whatever, you can't unring that bell, but you can take apart the Lego.

But that said, if the husband is a completest and a real completest and is really, really into it, I could see how he might ultimately feel that without getting to open those fresh bags himself or at least be there when they're first opened, it won't feel the same. She could just, you know, spend $45 at the Lego store and get a nice medium-sized set to work on by herself while she's waiting for her husband. Yeah, but how long are you going to wait? Five months after Christmas for a Christmas gift? I mean, I don't know what's going on in their lives.

Yeah. But I think that if this is a, you know, if you want to do something with your partner and undertake a project, whether that's, you're going to read a book together or you're going to, you know, watch a show together or you're going to build a model together or do a Lego together or do a jigsaw puzzle together, you have to agree and and each make some sacrifices. Sometimes those sacrifices are, I'll wait a little bit until they're ready. But you can't wait five. months. I'm going to find on the side of Susan here, I think five months is long enough to wait. And while I appreciate that there may be any number of external and internal complications that make starting a project together and finishing it together in a timely fashion, complicated? By external, I mean kids and work and schedules. And internal, I mean style of play, style of brain, all kinds of things. I think five months is a reasonable time to wait. And I'm sorry Susan's husband,

but you got to get in there and mix it up in the Lego. And if after five months, I would say after three months, you lose your window. Three months feels like a great window to me. Yeah. And I don't think you should destroy what you started, Susan, ever. Okay. Meg has a dispute against the organizers of a parade.

Hooray! Take that. Wait. Community-minded. Okay. When I was young, I used to walk in my town Santa Claus parade. They always gave me an animal costume to wear. One year, I was given a big white rabbit costume.

A young boy jumped out into the road in front of me, pointed at me, and yelled, This isn't your holiday Easter, buddy. Go back to your hole. Now, look, is it funnier to imagine that this boy, is seven or funnier to imagine that this boy is 17. Either one's a winner. Either one's a winner. I was embarrassed and have wondered ever since if that boy was right.

Why did they give me a bunny costume to wear? Or should the Easter bunny get to support Santa on his big day? Who's right? Who's wrong? The boy? Do you think the Easter bunny and Santa belong? to like a fraternal organization for semi-blastphemers? I think that they're in the same cinematic universe, honestly.

Because they both represent, obviously they represent major Christian holidays, but more than that, they both represent the syncretic tradition of adopting or melding Christian holidays with pre-Christian holidays. Yeah, we're talking about synchreases here, folks. We're talking about synchreases here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. So obviously, you know, Christmas is an overlay on all kinds of winter solstice holidays that have existed in primarily European tradition. And, you know, the politics of that overlay are a little complicated, the cultural politics of it. But yes, Christmas is so questionably Christian, ultimately, that my people, the Puritans,

who came to Massachusetts and messed stuff up there, they were the most Christian goodmen and good ladies of all time, and they would never, ever celebrate Christmas. That was considered to be pagan and heathen. and it only really took off as kind of the holiday that we understand it, particularly in Victorian England, because Victoria had married, the Queen Victoria, that is, had married this dude Albert, who was German,

and he brought a Christmas tree to London, which was the basically druidic tradition of Yule to bring a tree in to slowly die in your house. And, you know, it's all kinds of different. And Santa Claus, you know, is also a mythology that has nothing to do with the supposed Christian origins of Christmas, but it's a folk tradition that spans many different cultures and mythologies. And also, John, the accord representing Happy Honda Days. I forgot about that. Yeah, why didn't you dress up as a Honda Accord, Meg?

Now, when you were growing up, did you celebrate Honda Days or Toyotathon? We were a Toyotathon family. I came from a mixed family. That must have been nice. We celebrated when my dad's friend Raleigh died when I was 10, and we inherited his Chevy Nova. John, it was metallic brown. Metallic brown. Not many brown cars are out there anymore.

No, it was very 1978 operation that Chevy Nova. What an awful car. But we were grateful to have any car. Easter, of course, is also a Catholic-Sash-Christian overlay over any number of pre-Christian fertility rituals that arrive with the beginning of spring. all, I think that, I think that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are indeed part of the same, as I say, cinematic universe. And yeah, I think there's, it's an interesting choice. And it certainly, it certainly wasn't Meg's decision to dress as a bunny.

But I mean, they're a white bunny. They're an Arctic creature. You think there aren't white bunnies up north by the North Pole? Probably there aren't. But you know what I mean? up north. Yeah, I mean there's are there bunny rabbits in Bethlehem?

Point is And how gigantic are they? That's true. Are they child-sized? I think your dispute with the organizers of the parade is fair, Meg, because they put you in a bad spot. That was a provocative costume they put you in. That doesn't

mean you deserve to be yelled at by a boy in the parade. I think that I think that Easter Bunny gets to support Santa on his big day. I think that it's a reminder that there's, you know, the time is passing and seasons are cyclical and soon, you know, after this longest night of winter, there will be spring and sunshine and indeed springtime in your window again, just like there is mine. Maybe you'll get to see a cardinal one of these days. All the animals from the nativity, you know, the wise men, Santa Claus, Uncle Sam, all the main characters.

The answer to the question, I mean, the literal answer to the question, why did they give me a bunny costume to wear? Yeah, that's a, the answer to that question is because they had a bunny costume. Meg, I'm sorry that, I'm sorry that kid yelled at you. That kid was wrong. And you should wear your giant bunny costume. Oh, you know what? You should find that giant bunny costume, put it on. And then go and, and stalk that kid in the woods. Like a scary Easter bunny. Don't stop. Go back to your whole. Go back to your holes of truly, truly inspired shut down. I feel like, no, you know what?

No one's at fault here. No one's at fault here except the parade organizers. Wall to wall winners. Go back. Okay. Let's take a break. We got to deal with the litigant when we come back who has too many lamps. Yeah, wow.

Plus, the most complicated board game ever discussed on Judge John Hodgman, I refer, of course, to Candyland. We'll be back in just a second on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. John, the Max Fund Drive is like days away now. That is the two weeks of year when we ask people to join Maximum Fun and support Judge John Hodgman directly at maximum fund.org slash join. That's right. I won't lie. The fund in Max Fund Drive is important. It's what pays for the show without your support. We would have to stop doing it genuinely.

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Subscribe to us on YouTube at Judge John Hodronpod so you don't miss those streams. Follow us on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman so you don't miss everything else. And don't forget to join us at maximum fund.org slash join. Let's get back to the case. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket, ready for something from Steve in Portland, Oregon. I'm ready. We have been playing Candyland at my job to improve attendance.

All right. Everything makes sense so far, Portland, Oregon. Certainly sounds like Portland, Oregon corporate culture to me. During one game, they're doing it in that treetop they got at Wyden Kennedy. Everybody works on a tree top. Thinking about new Nike campaigns hanging out with Kerry Brownstein. Okay. During one game, my coworker Joy drew a cupcake card.

This means she should advance the cupcake space, but there's no cupcake on our board. On an equivalent board, the cupcake. space is the same as the gingerbread person space. When someone pulls this card, I think they should move their bear to the ginger red person space. But my coworkers think we need to listen to everybody's opinion about the issue before deciding. Who's right? John, you have the conch. Bear, what do we? What Candyland are you playing?

Now, Jennifer Marmer sent in some photos of Candyland. Now, Jennifer, may I ask you a question? Can I get a point of clarification here? Yeah. Hi, Jennifer. How are you? Oh, I'm great. Producer of the Judge John Hodgman podcast here. Yeah.

Jennifer, you send in some photos. Are these photos that Steve in Portland, Oregon, sent in of the Candy Land they're playing? No, no. I just was so taken aback that Steve referred to these game pieces as bear that I took it upon myself. to add some photos because I was, you know, I have a six-year-old. We play a lot of Candy Land. In no way are they bears. No.

The tokens that you move around in this version of Candy Land that you sent in are clearly gingerbread. Yeah. There's some that look more just like straight up little cartoon people. I don't know what version Steve and his coworkers were playing, but there are no bears. It sounds to me like they've got this cobbled together Candyland set. Yeah. Because they've got cards that don't match the board.

All of these pieces are clearly gingerbread men if you've seen the variety of designs over the years. So, like, as you said, Jen, I think it would be fair if you had not seen all the designs to confuse a few of these with maybe just being regular children or little fellas. But overall, all of these characters are definitely gingerbread men if you give them a good look, except for the characters from the 100-acre wood in Candyland, Winnie the Pooh, 100-acre Wood Picnic Edition. Oh, yeah. There's Tigger and Eeyore. I'm sure there are many different editions. I have the Winnie the Pooh ready to murder. Yeah, I have the Winnie the Pooh blood and honey edition of Candyland.

Yeah. Sorry, Jennifer, you were saying. Yeah. Winnie the Pooh is a bad thing. Well, is there a cupcake card or space in that one? Because I would guess no. I don't know. I don't know much about this. I think there's probably like Kanga's house. Yeah, it's probably just like pot of honey. Yeah. Owl. My coworkers think we need to listen to everyone's opinion about the issue before deciding. There's no. Look, I appreciate that your coworkers want to take everyone's feelings into consideration.

This is not a conversation to have. Get a new set of Candyland where the, cards match the board and you've got gingerbread men instead of bears unless you're playing with live bears now that's something i hadn't thought of how would that improve attendance though i think it would be i think it would be exciting i would show up to work if i were working in an office and they're like we're playing candy land on a giant board with live bears i'd be like my bear well okay i'm gonna come Candyland cost $12.75 shipped overnight. Yeah, Steve, if you're still out there

and you're still playing Candy Land and you're still stalled because everyone's point of view has to be taken into consideration. We'll send you a new one. We'll send, if there's a deluxe one for 15 bucks, we'll send that to you. Why don't we send them the Giant Edition?

Yeah, the one that you play with live bears, good idea. You have to get your own bears, though. Steve, I'm going to send you an email if I can find your email, or if you're listening, please send me an email, Hodgman at maximum fund.org. We're going to hook you up with a new Candy Land. And then you'll have cards that match the board and you'll have regular playing pieces and everything will be terrific.

Or if you wish, you can change your corporate attendance game to something a little more interesting, something like the most dangerous game, human murder scrabble. I demand Jim Cotta. But yeah, no one's right here except for us. Here's a case from Brian in Glenmont, New York. My mother-in-law is a sweet and extremely charming person. She also has a lamp obsession. She buys me lamps at every opportunity despite my professed hatred of artificial lighting.

Whoa. Wow. That went a lot further than I anticipated, even after our I read professed hating. Okay. I have explained this to my mother-in-law many times, but all of her wonderful gifts to me are lamps. She wants me to have beautiful things, but these lamps have got to stop. I seek a one lamp in, one lamp out policy.

In our town in Maine, where we spend part of the year, there aren't many businesses. You've been there, Jesse. It's a small town. It's a small town. There's only a few things going on. Only a few things going on. If you want to buy something, you better hold it. hope it's hardware or cheese.

Yeah, we got a, we got a nice general store run by Graham and Alyssa, the new owners. Terrific. It's very, I mean, it's pretty, pretty sweet these days. Got a good gift shop, leaf and Anna, run by Ann. And then that's it. In terms of commercial businesses, there's a library. It's not a commercial business. There is a new beer garden, I believe, opening up.

That's a real change. And the only other business in town, and I say this with great affection, is a handmade lampshade store. No, it isn't. Now, you can hear me that I, you heard me say that I say this with affection. You may have heard my voice that I also say it with confusion and contempt.

No offense to the wonderful person who runs the handmade lampshade store. But I can't go into that handmade lampshade store. It's so specific. I bet they're beautiful lampshades. it's very, very strange. And it seems to be a going concern. So maybe people come from all over. The point is like,

lampshades are not something I ever think about. Lamps I like, because I'm not a hater of artificial light. I like it. I enjoy going to the bathroom at night without stubbing my toe or falling over something. I like an artificial light. But I have to imagine that this mother-in-law would love to check out the hand.

made lampshade store in our town in Maine. Because for some people, lamps are collectibles and things of beauty. It tends to be that the lamps that are considered to be things of beauty are lamps that I don't want to have in my house because they tend to be a little attention getty and a little ornate. I don't know. Maybe I'm just putting this on my, on my stereotypical idea of a mother-in-law. Who knows?

Maybe these lamps are really awesome and cool. mid-century modern and just my style. My mom said it some nice land. Yeah. Point is, I mean, it's hard for me to rule on this because I like artificial lighting. And the question to me is, are these gifts or is this some kind of passive aggressive criticism of Brian's non-artificial lighted lifestyle? Or is this not about the distinction between natural and artificial.

light, but about the distinction between overhead light and lamp light. Because for light enthusiasts, that can be a very profound distinction. I, one of my great weaknesses as an interior decorator is my preference for full light. I go into a room I turn on the overhead lights every time and have since I was a child. Always like to have the light. I always like to have the lights on. I go into breakfast. My father-in-law is sitting there in the dim dark of our Victorian home that has, you know, not a ton of natural light. And he's reading his phone and eating breakfast. He says, look, the screen lights itself up. So he can just sort of sit there in the dark at seven o'clock in the morning. Yeah. For me, as soon as I walk into a room, I'm turning on every light in there. But I think

for people who want to control the quality and color of the light and so forth, a practical lamp that next to them is a much more flattering and for many people relaxing or appealing type of light. I would say that lighting can change the mood and feel of an interior space dramatically. And when we talk about the subreddit male living space, which is dudes posting almost exclusively profoundly depressing images of their video gaming systems. Right. And their gray couches and bed spreads.

They're PC gaming systems, but go ahead. Yeah, excuse me, I apologize. And their special gaming chairs. I would say that the way they spend their time and their decor isn't necessarily to my taste, but that's not what bothers me about most of those photos. It's the lighting choices. It's the LED. Is it the color change LED strips that they put everywhere?

Yeah. Everything has hidden LED color change strips. Yeah. The lighting choices. And I mean, I think that what you say, Jesse, is very true, which is that whether you hate artificial lighting or not, lighting is very powerful in terms of how you experience your space, and it's very personal. And I would say that I don't know what Brian's mother-in-law's motivation here is, but at this point it's something other than generosity. If he's already said, I really appreciate it, but these lamps and lamps in general are not to my style,

that's a hard thing for someone to say to someone they care about and appreciate. Like, you know, I'm sure that Brian appreciates his mother-in-law. I'm not sure, but I'm going to guess that he does. Seems to says that she's a sweet and extremely charming person. And it probably wasn't easy for him to say to her. This is just not to my taste. Thank you so much. But you may notice that I live in a state of perpetual darkness.

I don't even light candles. Please don't send me any more lamps. And I think that if you're a person who has been giving a gift within a, like, it's always great. It's always great when you have sort of a genre or a style of gift that you're locked into for a person. Like if you know they collect Lego, for example, there's always a Lego you can give them. But if they turn to you and they're like, you know what, I got enough Lego. You got to say, oh, got it. No more Lego for a while.

I'll do something else. How can I help? This goes to a degree help in the way you're asked to help. But more I think it goes to the idea that like a gift, to me the perfect gift is when you buy something for someone that they would not think to or would not

buy for themselves for some reason maybe because it's a little out of their reach financially or it feels indulgent to them even if it's not that expensive you know maybe you've always heard them saying boy I sure would love to buy some handmade paper lampshades but I just can't see myself going in there

and doing that. Well, that's when you go right in there and you buy one and then you give them the gift of a lifetime. Even if it costs five bucks, it's an incredible gift. So if you're giving gifts to someone and they've already said to you, this is not for me, then the gift isn't for them. If somehow it's for you, and that's not real generosity. Sorry about that, mother-in-law, but while I can't imagine what Brian's life is like in Glenmont, New York and his unlighted home, and I hope that his wife is a whole human being in her right, the mother-in-law's daughter, if he's married to a woman or a man, whoever it is, that they also like living in perpetual darkness. But I think that it's fair to say, if you give me one more lamp, I'm going to take it to the free room at the dump.

Jesse, I don't think the last time we were in Maine I knew about the free room at the dump. You know we're going to go to the free room in the dump when we're on that boat. Oh, I'm excited. I'm in. It's going to be a room at the dump. Absolutely. The dump is incredible. Maybe you get yourself a nice lamp there. And by the way, if you're going to give somebody a lamp, you better give them an occasional table as well because nobody's got occasional tables in their house. No one's got occasional tables anymore. And I'll say this, you're not going to find any handmade paper lampshades in the free room at the dump because I know, I know that those lampshades got to be so beautiful. It's my own thing for not being able to go in there because it's just,

It's so specific. And I don't know. I wouldn't mind a bowling alley or something. I guess it wouldn't fit in there. But you know what I'm saying. It's just not for me, but I know that it's wonderful. And I'm glad someone's out there making them and enjoying them.

Maybe a two-lane bowling alley, like in the basement of the White House. Why am I talking about a bowling alley? I've already got the greatest bowling alley in the world. Ellsworth Candlepin Bowling Alley run by Autumn and her partner, Ryan. Two delightful people running a bowling alley. We'll go there, too. I saw them on CBS Sunday morning. Really? You did? Wow. I didn't know that had come out.

Well, I hope we can get in there. It's probably a line to get into Ellsworth Canop and Bowling Alley. Yeah, we're going to have to deal with the Mo Rocca effect. You got to deal with the Mo Rocca bump. It wasn't Mo Rocca in this case. It was the other guy. But the last thing I'll watch on CBS News, I'll tell you that. I'm going to watch that and then that's it for me.

Fair enough. Yeah. All right. Doc, it's clear. That's it for another episode. Judge John Hodgman, our show created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. Social Media Specialist Megan Rizotti

podcast edited by A.J. McKean, Daniel Spear, our video producer. The show is produced by Jennifer Marmer. Follow us on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman and check out our full episodes on YouTube at Judge John Hodgman Odd. Speaking of YouTube, we have

a YouTube comment of the week this time from Sarah Paro 3988. I recognize that name. This person's been a listener for a long time. And now, apparently, of viewer on Judge John Hodgman pod, our YouTube channel. Sarah writes, I just had my third baby and JJHO is giving me much needed company during late night feedings. I think that means feedings of the baby.

Yeah. YouTube gives me much needed company during my late night feedings of my own mouth. But I'm glad that we're able to keep you company on video and audio. Thank you, Sarah. If you're watching us on YouTube, too, what are you doing while you have Judge John Hodgman on? I'm not asking you to stare at the screen every moment. It's fine for me for you to double screen it or add it on in the background.

Are you snuggled on the couch watching with popcorn intently? Or are you playing that weird New York Times Scrabble knockoff with me, maybe? Another thing I didn't need distracting me. Tell us in the comments. And maybe we'll select you as YouTube comment of the week. Hey, I'm also thinking about Brian and as aversion to artificial lighting. Let's get some more decor hot takes in here. Do you have an aversion to rugs?

I really appreciate Jennifer Marmer for writing that particular sentence. Do you have an aversion to rugs? I bet there are people out there who hate rugs. What do you feel about rugs, Jesse? I love a rug. You love a rug. Love. Love. I'm out here checking not counts.

Really? Okay. We have a big old hook rug in our living room that I've become fond of. But I am a kind of guy who needs to be talked in. into a rug. That's interesting. Does your family keep giving you tea towels, even though you have no more room in the tea towel drawer? That's a big problem. What should you do with all that art that your child brings home from school? Have you run out of space in the garbage for it? I mean, on a pride of place on the refrigerator. Send us all your home decor disputes at maximum fund.org

slash JJHO. And no matter what your disputes are about, we want to hear about them. Maximumfund.org slash J.J.HO is the place to go. Think about who you got a problem with in your life and then type that into your web browser. Maximumfund.org slash J.J.H.O. Send it in to us.

It is the lifeblood of our program. And we'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network. Of artists-owned shows. Supported directly by you.