Judge John Hodgman - Cavy-at Emptor

Episode Date: January 29, 2025

Are guinea pigs good pets? Scarlett thinks so! They desperately want a guinea pig. But their wife, Morrigan, is opposed! She says that the couple's two dogs are more than enough pets for one home. Who's right? Who's wrong?Thanks to our generous audience and followers, Jesse and Theresa’s fundraising goal for Al Otro Lado keeps going up! Visit alotrolado.org/letsdosomething to do something helpful for migrants at the US-Mexico border. And thank you to everyone who has donated so far!Tickets are still available for most of the West Coast Road Court dates. Go to maximumfun.org/events for links and more! We are on TikTok and YouTube! Follow us on both @judgejohnhodgmanpod! Follow us on Instagram @judgejohnhodgman.Thanks to reddit user u/dAmbitiousFactor715 for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at reddit.com/r/maximumfun! Judge John Hodgman: Road Court is happening NOW! Get your tickets at maximumfun.org/events.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, caveat emptor. Scarlett loves guinea pigs. They have a long history of guinea pig ownership starting in childhood. Scarlett desperately wants a guinea pig in their life again, but Morgan is opposed. Morgan says that the couple's two dogs are more than enough pets for one home. Adding a guinea pig is too much work.

Who's right, who's wrong, only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. a little dog called Guineya Pig. And it makes a noise like, Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, yes, yes, it's a little dog called Guineya Pig. A Guineya Pig? Balef, Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in. Morgan Scarlett, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, so help you, God or whatever? I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that my little joke I was gonna make just now was about the thing that he did as obscure cultural reverence about? Of course we were gonna get to the same place. Yeah, I do. Yes. And were going to get to the same place.

Yeah. I do. Yes. And Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Morgan and Scarlett, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment. In one of your favors, can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered this courtroom?

Morgan, why don't you go first? I do not have an idea of what that is. It sounds vaguely familiar, but I have no poll for it. So I'm going to use my prepared guess. I love it. Just that it, a monologue from the villain of the movie G-Force played by Bill Nighy. Right. The that's the movie about secret agent guinea pigs. Yeah, correct. Which I thought was a decent poll.

That's a great poll. I should have thought of it. I remember that I was staying in the same hotel as Zach Galifianakis when he was filming G-Force in Los Angeles back when I had a Hollywood career. So thank you for taking me on that trip through time, Scarlett. Now it is your turn to guess. No, I have no clue. My prepared guess was going to be in reference to Elliot, the assigned police officer guinea pig in New Zealand. Tell me more. I love this guest, but I do not know what cultural reference you

are making. Yes, in New Zealand, there is an official member of the police force. His name is Elliot the guinea pig. He has a uniform and everything with a little hat. You can give him a quick Google search. He is very adorable. I think the correct word would be was a guinea pig in the New Zealand police force. Guinea pigs do not live very long. Oh, did he get too old for that? I did not want to get that sad news. Yeah, he's 20 years old, time for retirement and or death. I did not want to put that sad news in there.

But yes, that was my guess that we were going to obscurely reference Elliot the police. Scarlett. I, I hate to say it, but guinea pig mortality must be part of today's discussion, but also incredible. We won't talk about Elliot named after Elliot Kaelin, the famous maximum fun podcaster. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. It's also like singing about mailbags. Elliot does Elliot the human, not the guinea pig. No, I am the guinea pig. Yeah. That was something in common. I didn like singing about mailbags. Elliot does. Elliot the Human, not the guinea pig. No, I am the guinea pig. Yeah, that was something in common. All right, I didn't know that. Well, in any case, all guesses are wrong. It's not Elliot Kaelin nor Elliot the guinea pig of New Zealand, nor is it a quote from

G-Force starring Bill Nighy and Zach Galifianakis among other actors. Hey, if there's a G-Force 2, I'm available. Indeed, Judge Hodgman, it's a real show and you did a bad job. No! It's a real show and you both did great jobs, but Jesse is referencing, of course, the incredible sketch, the legendary sketch by our friends, the sketch group Casper Hauser, John, James, Dan, and Rob called Mundo de Perros. Mundo de Perros.

And it is one of my very favorite things. We've quoted it many a time here on the podcast. That's why I was afraid, Scarlett and Morgan, that you might get it, but I'm glad you didn't, because we get to hear the case. And if you listener would like to listen to this sketch, to know what we are talking about, I made a little bit.ly.

It's over there, the maximumfun.org website under the Casper Hauser tab. But you can go there directly by going to bit.ly slash mundo de perros, M-U-N-D-O-D-E-P-E-R-R-O-S, all capital letters, mundo de perros. Okay, who seeks justice in this court? Who brings the case, if I may ask? I bring the case, Your Honor. Morgan. And your wife, Scarlett, would like to adopt a guinea pig as a pet, correct?

That's correct. And you say, no, thank you. Yes. And part of your argument is that you already have pets. And indeed you have two dogs that are yours, yours and Scarlet's named Sally and Pixel. I wonder if you possibly might've sent in any photos of these good dogs. We did, yes. Marvelous. Let's go directly to the evidence. It is available, of course, on all of our social media feeds as well as the show page at MaximumFun.org. Exhibit A are these

two wonderful good dogs. Sally is a black and brown dog. That's the style of dog that is Sally. And Pixel is black and white, no gray areas for Pixel. And they are standing by their respective bowls, begging for food, pretty typical for dogs. Adorable. And then they're snuggling together. These dogs are friends?

Ah. They tolerate each other. Sometimes. Oh, Scarlett, you? They tolerate each other. Sometimes. Oh, Scarlett, you say they tolerate each other? Yes, yes. Sometimes they're very cute together and sometimes Sally is a bit of a bully and resents having a child in her life.

Yes, she's old. She doesn't have time for pixels nonsense. Right. How did these dogs come into your relationship? Together or were they merged when you merged your lives together in wedded bliss or what? So I adopted Sally, oh gosh, like had her for a while and then when we moved in together to live in sin, prior to getting married, we adopted Pixel shortly after together. So Pixel is the younger sibling in this fur baby array,

but you adopted Pixel together. And Sally's life has been disrupted quite a bit by Pixel. Yes. And you want to disrupt Sally even more, Scarlett. I think she'd be quite a fan. By adopting prey animals into her life, yes. We'll talk about that in a moment. But so far I have not seen dogs

doing anything particularly weird, and I love a weird animal picture, and here we have Pixel in the shower. Jesse, can you see this picture of Pixel in the shower? When does the dog do it in the shower? Pixel doesn't seem very happy to be in the shower. Well, it's not, this doesn't appear to be, okay, so like to be clear,

this doesn't appear to be a picture of you showering Pixel. Like I put my dog in the shower sometimes to wash my dog. Sure. Because you gotta wash the dog sometimes, they're stinky. Sometimes you gotta wash that stinky dog. My dog smells nice like popcorn. But you got to wash the dog sometimes. This appears to be a dog hanging out in a shower.

It's fully dressed, it has multiple bandanas on from what I can see. Yeah. Shortly after he adopted Pixel, the shower door was open after he adopted Pixel. The shower door was open and he went in to investigate the shower and then in his investigation bumped the shower door closed and was in there for several minutes before I heard him crying and then saw him in the shower looking very distressed but also very cute. So I took the picture before releasing Pixel. In case you needed to blackmail him later.

Yeah. These are terrific dogs. Thank you. We kind of like them. And the question now is, are you going to disrupt their lives with a guinea pig? Or make it better. AKA a cavi or cavi? How do we say it, Jesse, at the top Guinea pig, wild Cape, and the largest living rodent,

Cappie Barra. Cappie Barra, such a wonderful animal, you can't just say the name, you must sing it. Cappie Barra. People have been sending me baby Cappie Bars that fit in your little hands, and that somebody opens the hands, and that big flat nose comes out

from the little hands opening up. So Scarlett, you are a guinea pig enthusiast. Yes. Going way, way, way back. You've had guinea pigs in your life since, when in childhood or what are we talking about? Oh gosh, yes. So starting in childhood, I did have a guinea pig.

I got my first guinea pig. I can't remember the age, but I was really insistent on having one. So not only did I hustle my ass to the library and do all the guinea pig research I could, I then prepared a PowerPoint presentation to my family about the reasons why I was qualified to own a guinea pig. And shortly after that, I gonna get my guinea pig. And you know, shortly after that, I did get my guinea pig. What would be, I mean, I hate to do, I hate, I remember how I hate time and subtraction,

but generally speaking, ballpark, what age would you have been when you put together? Probably 10. All right, okay, good. Probably 10, because I think I was really excited about being double digits. And did you present a PowerPoint for us today?

I did not, actually. All right, I think I've read everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm sorry. That's all right. I suppose I'll hear the case in any case. No, no. Just to continue to build the background of, you know, my guinea pig expertise. Guinea pig lore. Yeah, my guinea pig lore, as my wife calls it. I was... I learned a lot about my wife in the preparation for this case.

Like you're in a guinea pig 4-H club, which is bananas to me. Not just was I in a guinea pig 4-H club, I was vice president of said guinea pig 4-H club. And executive. I did lose the race for president to the daughter of the leader of the group. You lost nepotism. Neppo baby. 4-H neo Baby in the Guinea Pig Club? There was Nepotism in the Guinea Pig 4-H Club.

Whoa. What is that person's first and last name? Yeah. Morgan has to make an Excel list to keep up with my current vets. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. With your Vs. Repeat that again clearly into the microphone.

Morgan has to keep an Excel list to what? To keep track of all my vendettas. Wow. Your beefs. I tell you, I do not want to end up on Scarlett's Excel sheet. So how many guinea pigs will you say you've had in your life? Wait, I want to hear about the 4-H club.

Hold on, let's hear about the 4-H. What do you know about it? It was a 4-H club. Where did you grow up? All over, but the 4-H club was in Michigan specifically. Oh, well that's guinea pig ranching territory. All the kids get involved in guinea pig raising there, right? I mean, I guess so, because it was a pretty, pretty fruitful club with a lot of us.

And we all, every week we met and we brought our guinea pigs where they socialized, they had a good time. We would make clothing for them. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is not, I'll grant you, I'm from the inner city. I grew up going to the boys club so that I wouldn't join a gang or whatever. Right.

However, this is not fitting with my understanding of what happens in the 4-H club. No, I mean, we also did 4-H things. Did you show them at state fairs? Yes, we did, thank you. Did you ever get a blue ribbon? No, because I did not present mine at state fairs. No, because that nepo baby in B27 got it.

Exactly correct, yes. I've ruined the day of Pepper's existence. Is Pepper her name or their name or his name? I cannot remember the name of- We'll say Pepper. It was Meryl Streep Jr. Pepper. Pepper is a great name for an arch nemesis,

my lifelong enemy, Pepper. Pepper the guinea pig. Oh, well Pepper is the guinea pig. Yeah. Oh, I thought that was the name of your enemy. No, my Guinea Pig was not nearly as pretty as Pepper the Guinea Pig. So no 4-H fairs for Pepper, but we did go to them.

Okay. And members of the 4-H club did bring their guinea pigs. You did submit some evidence of some of the Guinea Pigs that you have been a companion to in the past, and they're very cute. I'm looking at exhibits D and E here. Now here we have two guinea pigs and a very small dog. Who are the, who are these, uh, who are these, uh, uh, young people?

Yes. So there is cupcake and there's Genevieve the guinea pigs. Genevieve is the one with the voluptuous hair. Cupcake is the one with the smooth hair. And then- And then there's a, did you know that this dog was not a guinea pig or did you think this was a different guinea pig? It does look guinea pig like, but it is indeed a dog. Its name is Lily. It was our childhood dog and they are all sunbathing because guinea pigs love the sun. So you can just take them out the backyard. You let them hang out there.

They kind of wander around with your supervision. Do you have a backyard, a sunny backyard in Chicago for your guinea pigs, your potential new guinea pigs? We actually do. We have a brick sort of shared patio situation at the moment. No, she's shining a bad light in the brick patio situation. It's actually a backyard. Let me ask you a question.

Do you share that backyard with a family of predatory vultures or condors? There are rats that are approximately guinea pig size that do frequent it. I was going to say, if not, probably friends for the guinea pigs. So this is Cupcake and the other one is named? Genevieve. Genevieve. Very adorable. They're beauties.

Date stamped 728 2001. I don't like to do subtraction. I hate to think about time, but I presume they're no longer with us, these wonderful. No, no, no, no. These are your childhood guinea pigs. And here's one from 2007. Who's this?

Is that the one that was a beautifully staged photo shoot? Yeah, this appears to be a beautifully staged photo shoot. That's Cupcake. Cupcake is celebrating Mardi Gras. Cupcake seems to be nested in a pile of feather boas, plastic beads, crowns, and masquerade ball masks. Cupcake may be doing like a nice wide shot thing. It's a Christmas movie.

This is Cupcake in the year 2007. So Cupcake was a very long live guinea pig, if I'm doing my subtraction correctly, which I often don't. I think it's been so long, I'm not gonna lie. No, I understand. I do think they lived a nice, long, healthy life and a fabulous one at that. With you and your family, they seem to be very happy.

They seemed to thrive in your care. I would like to think so. So was it always just Cupcake and Genevieve or were there any others that I should know about? No, at one point in time, as you know, guinea pigs pass and upon the passing of, I think it was Cupcake, we got Isabella as a buddy. Cause guinea pigs do like other guinea pigs.

Isabella, so there was another guinea pig, Isabella in your life. There was a third, yes. The fact that guinea pigs like to be paired up is also a point of concern from my angle. If there is one, you know when they're happy to see you because they're so vocal. Do they make a noise? I'm not making this noise.

Jesse Thorne, do they make a noise? Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee. Si, senora. Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee. They are fantastically verbal pets. Why won't you make the noise, Scarlett? We're having a great time making the noise. Yeah, we're having fun making the noise.

I think you guys are just really holding the fort down. Even Morgan, your spouse is making the noise. Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee. I'm not doing it, I'm sorry. I mean, what if it were a condition of my ruling in your favor? Yes. Then you must make that honest. But you must rule my favor.

So you miss their gregariousness, they talk to you when you come home. What else do you do? Yeah. Unlike dogs, which don't pay any attention to you whatsoever. Fairly quiet and chill. They, listen, I have to pull up my notes here because I did come with notes.

Thank you. They work on your schedule. They are, I can't remember the word for it, but they're not nocturnal and they're not like on our schedule. Are they diurnal? Diurnal. Crepuscular? They are diural, which means that.

And they also. They're daytime animals. Crepuscular. And they all stop looking at my notes. You are cheating. I'm not cheating. I'm trying to remember the. Crepuscular. And they all stop looking at my notes. You are cheating. I'm not cheating. I'm trying to remember the word crepuscular. I love the fact that Morgan and I both know the word crepuscular and love to say it.

It's a good word. So they adapt to your schedule and they are ready and happy to play at any time of day, but also happy to relax at any time of day, which makes them an ideal pet because, transparently, dogs, believe it or not, are a lot of high maintenance. So when you want to play with them, they most often just want you to walk them. And if they want to play with you,

and you don't feel like it, then you have a problem. Yes, yes, whereas. And you can't just put them in a box in the back of the closet like you can't a guinea pig. No, no, no, no. It's just that the play time you can have with them is a lot more low key. It can be on kind of your terms

and the guinea pig is still very happy. I'm a self-described glee and one of my favorite pastimes and hobbies is rewatching episodes, early seasons, specifically of Glee and Degrassi on repeat. So that would fit, a guinea pig would fit perfectly to my lifestyle of TV watching, because they like just to be held for long periods of time. They like to be held? They do, and they just like to sit in your lap

and you can just pet them and they just purr and squeak. What kind of squeak do they make, actually? You can't get that out of me unless I win. Okay. Do you want to do they make actually? You can't get that out of me unless I win. Okay. Do you want to do the purring? Nope. It says here at the guinea pig Alliance.com, guinea pigs are crepuscular creatures,

meaning they're most active at dusk and dawn. They're awake for up to 20 hours a day. So your guinea pigs need constant food and water in their housing. They need toys to keep them entertained day and night. And also they make a noise. Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee. That's what they posted on guinea pigaligns.com, Jesse,

during Guinea pig awareness week, according to the internet. Do they have like a.WAV file that you can play on there that gives you the noise? I just want to put on the record, if you do roll in my favor, my guinea pig noise would be more accurate than all five guinea pig noises. I would never compel you to make a noise if you do not feel like making a noise.

And I apologize for even suggesting it. I'm just excited about Morgan pronouncing the file type WAV as a dot wav. Yeah, that was pretty wavy. That was wild. Wild and wavy. I love it. I don't mind it. I don't mind it at all.

It's a wav. Morgan dances to the beat of her own drum. Yeah. Scarlett, how long have you been guinea pig-less? So I have been guinea pig-less basically since I went to college, which was, oh my God, like 13 years ago. I don't like time. I don't like to talk about it or think about it.

You're college educated, good job for you. Did you major in glee-cology? I wish I did. So Scarlett, you had guinea pigs in college or up until college? Up until college. And not since? So technically I've not had guinea pigs since college,

but post college I did get a chinchilla, which is of the rodent variety family. Is that a cavey? Let's find out. I feel like no. That's my guess. I don't think it is, but it is. It was, it isn't the same vein of owning a piggy.

Morgan, you know what? Was I correct? You're wrong. Damn. Yes, a know what? Was I correct? You're wrong. Damn. Yes, a chinchilla is a cavey. I thought because it was like on its hind legs, it would have a different sort of lineage. They are members of the Cavity, Chinchilla-D,

and well, wait a minute, they're caveomorphs. I don't know. I'm gonna stop reading the internet and pay attention to this conversation. Caveo morphs used to run on Fox afternoon. Oh boy. I bet we could sell a whole young adult series of books called Caveo Morphs tomorrow. We'll split the proceeds four ways or more. We'll include everyone. I want to chinch so bad. So we'll split the proceeds four ways or more.

We'll include everyone. Ah, I want to chinch so bad. Chinches are not that good of pets though, right? Chinches are so beautiful, but I remember hearing that they aren't nuts about being domestic animals. Is it true that chinches aren't chill? Tell us, Scarlett.

He would look me dead in the eye and take his little paw full of poop, and throw it out the cage if I did not clean that cage in time. Like that chinchilla made it my problem when he was unhappy. So I will not deny that was the spiciest rodent I've ever, I've ever. Wow. Now another thing to bring up about the chinchilla scar. What happened to the chinchilla when you acquired Sally, your dog?

Okay. I'll allow it. I'd like to see where this is going, counselor. Okay, no, no, no. Okay, so let it be known that I never grew up in a family that taught me good dog ownership practices. My family, as you can see, we had a little dog, right?

Yeah, you had a little floof of a dog and a couple of guinea pigs there in Michigan. So when I had gotten my chinchilla initially, I had had it for about three years, pretty long stint, like loved the guy even though he was mean. Two quick questions, just to orient myself in time, this is a post-college chinch, right? You're living independently where?

In Chicago. In Chicago. What's the name of this chinch, right? You're living independently where? In Chicago. In Chicago. What's the name of this chinchilla? Ollie. Ollie, okay, go on. I guess, Ollie, I have, you know, I had acquired Ollie. Ollie was a great pet for me. Ollie lived a great life.

Unfortunately, when I decided like, okay, it's time to like also get like another, like I'm ready for a dog, like I'm ready for that, like more involved pet ownership experience. I just felt bad for the chinchilla because I lived in a studio apartment at that time. Right, you could only fit one fern in your shower. Well, at one point in time, at many points in time,

the chinchilla and the dog could both roam free in the house and be completely fine. I don't know if that's true. You were not living with me, you did not witness this. Okay. In fact, I think I could probably find evidence of it. When the chinchilla was in its cage, Sally liked just to sit at it and stare at it all day.

Yeah. She did not bark at it, paw at it, anything. And I don't think the chinchilla really cared, but I did start to feel really bad for the chinchilla. I was like, you know what? If I'm waking up every day and this dog looking at me, I'm like feeling distressed. Yeah, I think Ollie cared. So, so.

And having a large predator staring at you all the time. And I want to reiterate, they were fine. Like I put them out and they both just kind of harmoniously lived together when they like roamed around the space. Is it possible that it wasn't the chinchilla having a crisis as that was happening, but the dog? Like, the dog was having like an existential crisis, thinking about cages and ownership

and whether white couldn't run free? Probably, you know, and so, but let it be known. Is it a cavimorph? I don't know. So, so what Morgan's comment like really wants me to point is that I, I did have to one day sit down and acknowledge that I was not ready for both dog ownership, chinchilla ownership and the potential stress being put on the chinchilla, which I own up to my mistakes.

But now let me tell you this chinchilla is living the best life because I found it a farm owner who now lets this chinchilla and I see photos and videos of it all the time. Literally that chinchilla is living in a penthouse on a farm where it gets like to roam on like acres of land. This sounds like a story a parent tells their child living in a penthouse on a farm where it gets like to roam on like acres of land. This sounds like a story a parent tells their child and the chinchilla has to be put down. Does it live with my childhood dog Sonoma? Why yes, they're best friends and they talk every day. I found a college student who was majoring in like agriculture and she has a farm now.

And like that was, that T'Chil'a truly lives, and I see videos of it all the time. Ollie is the happiest little camper. He's still thriving. So yes, while- How old is Ollie at this point? I don't know, but while- Was this college student double majoring in agriculture

and Farscape studies by any chance? Oh my gosh. Yeah. But while I may have felt that I wasn't ready for both at that time, and I did feel a little bad for the guinea pig, I found it, I owned up to my mistake, and I found it literally a better life.

Like that guinea pig doesn't, that chinchilla does not care about me. That chinchilla is glad I'm gone. But you wouldn't be here if you felt that you were not going to repeat the same mistake with a guinea pig. I would never be here if I felt like I was gonna repeat that same mistake.

That was what, eight years ago or something like that? Like I can't, so long ago. Scarlett, before I move on, quick question. If I were to rule in your favor and you were to get this guinea pig, what would you name this guinea pig? Cause that could really make a big part of my decision. I have not decided yet because it depends on the overall color

and breed of guinea pig I land on. What is some- It would- Okay, all right. It would be something probably like I'm the one who named Pixel. So Pixel being on theme, you're talking about technological? Yeah, it would probably be a little techie.

We're football photo people, so that's where we got Pixel from. You're what people? Camera, like photography, like we're into photography. Yeah. You know you could name your guinea pig, 8-bit. That's actually kind of funny.

Pretty good, right? It's actually pretty good. That's actually pretty good. Morgan, why do you hate eight bits so much or all guinea pigs, I should say. Yeah. Is the resident, a small furry animal hater. Why don't you want a guinea pig? I guess is probably the more, less leading question.

I guess is probably the more less leading question. Number one is that I just like don't like love caged animals in houses. I think they are like inevitably kind of smelly. It takes up a lot of space that we don't have an enormous amount of. Like we have some space. I wouldn't say we were cramped, but. You put your plant in a cage, a cage called a shower. Could you just keep the guinea pig in the shower with the dog? Yeah, they just all live there.

And then you don't have to think about them. Let it be known, we have a plan for guinea pig space that we can touch on later. Morgan, how large is your domicile? So it's a four-bedroom apartment, but that makes it sound, I think, bigger than it is. Chicago, I moved to Chicago. Like the rooms are not large.

Any of them, except for maybe my office, would be cramped with a queen-size bed in it. Like they're not huge rooms. But it's the two of you and your two dogs, but also you have a house guest currently, right? Yes. My younger sister just moved in with us temporarily as she navigates her first. That's very generous of you, but she comes with a dog too, right? Yes. Winston.

It's a very cute beagle that we should have sent pictures of. We should have sent pictures of Winston. No, forget it. That dog is dead to me. I'm not interested in any sister dogs. His name is Winston. Oh. Pretty good.

He's not just a beagle. He's a mini beagle. We have room that could be used for that, but it could also be used for other things that are not a guinea pig cage, I'm sure. Well, you have so many rooms. You have one that you haven't even decided what to use it for yet? Well, no, that's currently housing our house guest

by sister-in-law. Oh, okay. So... But normally it's been a guest bedroom in the past, but... Got it. So, Scarlett, your suggestion is that when your sister eventually gets a place of her own and she and Winston move out, that the guest room then become a guinea pig salon. KS So while the request is post my sister finding her own space is the timeline of a

guinea pig, I actually prefer to keep it in my office because one of those rooms, those four bedrooms is my office. Right. I work from home and I wanted to keep it in that office space so I can be like in the room with the piggy. And that will more or less contain the stink that Morgan is concerned about? That and the fact that my guinea pigs are all litter trained. Well, your potential guinea pigs, your potential guinea pig. My previous ones are all litter trained. And I can do it again. Notice we've already moved the post to plural guinea pigs, your potential guinea pigs. Your potential guinea pig. My previous ones are all litter trained.

Notice we've already moved the post to plural guinea pigs, Your Honor. It's a slippery slope. I was referring to my previous guinea pigs have all been litter trained. So the stink in theory is handled every day. And scooped out cleanly. Who walks the dogs? Me, Your Honor. That would be Morgan. Yes, Morgan. Who walks the dogs? Me, Your Honor. That would be Morgan? Yes, Morgan. Who feeds the dogs?

We both do. Mostly me. Who takes the dogs to the veterinarian? That's both of us. Yeah, so often, just because of my schedule, it ends up being me. You see the narrative that Morgan is trying to build here, Scarlett, that Morgan does more of the pet care in the house so far? Is that true or false? True. You acknowledge that Morgan? I am acknowledging that the agreement for our division of labor based on the amount of jobs I have, it makes more sense for you to be the default caretaker for the dogs. But I jump anytime she's got a gig or she's out or she is sick,

I'm right in there jumping on it. Morgan, are you happy with the pet care sharing arrangement that you have? I would like if Scar did a little bit more walking and taking the dogs out. Essentially right now, the situation is when I'm at home, if Scar did a little bit more walking and taking the dogs out. And if I was not, essentially right now, like the situation is when I'm at home, I am doing all the dog stuff. And the only time I don't do all the dog stuff is if I'm at a job. So it sounds like you're not 100% happy. Right now, even without the addition of a new animal

in the house, you wish that Scarlett, your wife, would maybe pick up the... Yeah, I would like if Scar had less of a, I'm happy to babysit my kids when my wife is away, kind of vibe to the dog, and a little bit more, I'm just gonna take the dogs for a walk because I can. How do you feel about that, Scarlett? No, I don't disagree with her.

Like, let me stress that I always want to be able to, when my wife is saying there's something that, you know, she'd like more of in terms of my effort around the house. It's something I definitely, definitely wish I could do. I want to do more of. If you were to get a guinea pig, which one of you with regard to the dogs would be in charge of ensuring that the dogs don't eat this guinea pig for food?

It would, first of all, it would be a combined effort because in general, we should all make sure the guinea pig doesn't get eaten for food. But my overall responsibility would be protector of the guinea pig, which includes keeping it in its very spacious guinea pig office, with the door closed all the time. Pete Slauson But I mean, you know, Morgan, you did mention guinea pigs are prey animals. Morgan McArdle Yes.

Pete Slauson Do you, what do you, what do you think about having a prey animal for a pet? Morgan McArdle I mean, I have no problem with it in general. It's more of just the dynamic of Pixel and Sally, both have a pretty high prey drive. Like I mentioned previously, we have rats because we're in Chicago. And sometimes they'll be in the back sort of enclosed area we have. In the patio. Yeah, in our little shared sort of courtyard area. And if they see one of those,

they are locked in and charging at it. Even if you were able to keep the guinea pig safe from being eaten for food by these dogs, it would have to be a disruption to their lives. Don't you think, Scarlett? I think I believe that the guinea pig would be so far into the room, because where I'm visioning putting its nice pimped out cage is far enough in that back room

that while the dogs probably know it's there, unless I'm out walking around with the guinea pig, it would be pretty hard for them to like truly put two and two together. They're not smart dogs. We love them, but they're not smart. Well, it is true. It is true. And Jesse, you'll as a long time dog owner, you'll back me up on this. Dogs have no sense of smell. No. Right. They're the only way that they know, and they also have no sense of object permanence. The only way that they would know that there is an animal is if you show it to them right in front

of their dumb eyes. They would definitely smell it, but I'm telling you, it would become like a Wilfred situation where they know the dog is there, but they like, the guinea pig is there, but they're like, we can't hear it and we smell it, but like we've never seen it. And I think they might maybe just like roll like- I don't know. Are you talking about the Elijah Wood TV show? Yeah, if it became a Wilfred situation,

I mean, on the plus side, you would have those beautiful, soulful eyes of Elijah Wood. A couple of times I met Elijah Wood in person because he's come on bullseye. He's the loveliest man in the world. Just the nicest, brightest guy. But you're just sitting there and you're like,

oh my God, look at those eyes. You're just like getting, you're just drawn into his eyes. It's unbelievable. Fall into those limpid pools. I can't believe that Scarlett just obscure cultural referenced their way out of explaining Answering the question I was just asking which is these guinea pigs stink and the dogs are gonna smell it and they're gonna be upset Sally already was upset about Ollie the chinchilla But the thing is Ollie the chinchilla and Sally lived in a studio apartment. And during that time, Sally did not terrorize the chinchilla.

In fact, they at one point in time used to roam around, have a good time and play. And she never pawed at the cage, she just stared at it. I only ever witnessed Sally sort of staring hungrily at the cage. I've never seen this cooperation that Scar speaks of. So it's hearsay a little bit. If they live so harmonious, if the worst that happened to this guinea pig

was that the dog stared at it a lot in the cage, then if we have a whole separate room for them, I can only imagine the situation being even better. Let me ask you this, Scarlett. How many times would you say would be too many times I can only imagine the situation being even better. Let me ask you this, Scarlett. How many times would you say would be too many times for the dogs to catch and try and kill the guinea pigs? I mean, one time.

But I also, that would require the dogs catching and hurting my guinea pig, which I would just simply not allow to happen. Vis-a-vis through the closed door, the fact that it's staying in its guinea pig kingdom. Your honor, let the record show that Scar's now referring to it as a guinea pig kingdom. I hate to tell you, I did note that for the record, Morgan,

and you might not be happy to learn this is very exciting to me. BOTH LAUGH The guinea pig kingdom... I would like to request a nude judge. ...is something that I'm very tempted to rule in favor of. Well, just imagine, like, the, um, the episode of The Office

where Michael Scott tries to make Tube Town. Tube City. Now I get that reference. I would really like a Tube City situation in my office for my one guinea pig. Your one lonely, wobegone guinea pig with no friends. That's a good point because Scarlett, here's the thing. I have a sister-in-law who's a whole human being

in her own right. Her name is Jennifer and she is a guinea pig fanatic. Loves them, self-proclaimed. I'm not putting that on her. She would say it herself. She's had multiple guinea pigs over the years and loves them very much. And so I asked my sister-in-law,

who's a holy woman in her own right, named Jennifer, if she had any thoughts, advice, bits of information that she wished she had before she adopted a guinea pig, just about her experience in general. And she reported that there are cardinal rules, in her words. The cardinal rules of guinea pig husbandry are one, no mixing boy and girl guinea pigs, either all boys or all girls. Two. They need to eat 80% hay Yes, the rest pellets and fresh veggies be need 80% hay. Do you have a good source of hay in Chicago? Yes Is it deep dish hay or tavern style? Hey, but anyway, I forgot about the the other cardinal rule of guinea pig husbandry Which is every guinea pig needs at least one companion

I'm not against a companion. Oh, you aren't? Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, okay. Phew. I think that's what Morgan was most concerned about. They would only get one guinea pig instead of two or three. But I have to, I have to have respect and appreciate that my wife is scared of more than one guinea pig. I'm not scared of more than one guinea pig.

Whoa, here we go. Nerve touched. It's not a fear, it's an acknowledgement that if it's sort of a give a mouse a cookie situation. It's not like I'm not. You get one guinea pig, you're gonna need another. But you've already upped it to two. Very sneakily there, Scarlett. I do not need to, I would love to.

But the guinea pig needs two. The guinea pig needs two. I would feel bad. Even Morgan acknowledges that. I would feel bad if you I had to. But the guinea pig needs two. The guinea pig needs two. I would feel bad. Even Morgan acknowledges that. I would feel bad if you only had one guinea pig and it was just sad and lonely. I would too, but I would also want to respect. You would sacrifice the happiness of your guinea pig,

the fullest happiness of your guinea pig, the happiness of both of your dogs, and honestly the happiness of your wife, just so that you could have something to hold while watching reruns of Glee. Me my attorney present? Feed the fish. You don't have to answer.

You don't have to make, I can't compel you to make any noise you don't wanna make, even if it's a wee, wee, wee. But there is an issue here, which is maybe an issue of a promise made and a promise to be kept because I have it here. When were you married, Morgan? You and Scarlett? That was a year and a month and a bit ago. So December 3rd, 2020. Happy anniversary.

Or, yeah, 2023, just kidding. It's one of those years. I don't know, what is time? I don't like time, I don't like subtraction, but which year is it? 2023. Which anniversary is it? The first or the second?

We just passed our first, yeah. Right, which is the rodent anniversary. And I have it here on authority, it says here that just before you got married, Morgan suggested that you maybe consider getting a guinea pig says here in your vows, uh, Morgan, that you promised to buy Scarlet a guinea pig. Is that not true? That is incorrect.

But was it promise made or a suggestion or there was, there was at some point in, you know, some conversation or another, a mention that maybe we could consider guinea pigs at some point in the future, but not now, which was in no way a promise that there would be a future. Scarlett, it looks like you are looking at your phone, trying to find some evidence that you'd like to present. The wiretap you had on our conversation. So I do keep guinea pig prop- I do send my wife guinea pig propaganda. It's a lot of TikToks of guinea pigs.

And texts and photos when I go to the pet stores and I see guinea pigs. I can't fold up right now. But about a year away from the wedding, I did finally send her a guinea pig photo, and I was like, this could be ours if you let me. And she said, we can't get a guinea pig until after the wedding. You can get one after the wedding. And she did say you can get one after the wedding.

I know it was the word can. Can as in it is possible to do so, not as in I allow it. But you agree that the statement we can get a guinea pig after the wedding does sound a lot like Scarlet after the wedding includes all of linear time. So I It's true. It's true, but it does sound Morgan like you are kicking this can down the road a little disingenuously if you didn't want to have a guinea pig at all, that could be construed as a false hope. Correct.

How do you feel, learning Scarlet now, that that hope was false? It was a little rude. Do you think, Morgan, that you could ever have a guinea pig? Like, do you think, Morgan, that you could ever have a guinea pig? I think if we had more space, potentially, I just think right now, like, you having the guinea pig in your office would mean that the door would have to be closed all the time, which I think would make our dog sad,

and it would make me sad, because I couldn't see you during the day. You don't care about me during the work day. I do care about you. I have to pull her in... It's untrue. To talk to me. Untrue. And then you're grown, you pull off your headphones

because you're listening to this podcast and it interrupted you. Well, never mind the fact, though, Starlet, you're also working nine to five and five to nine or whatever. Like, you're out of the house for big chunks of time when that guinea pig would be a prisoner in its own castle in the guinea pig kingdom. It's important to note that one, it is living in a very, it's going to be living in a great kingdom. But also, as I mentioned earlier, they play when you play. It's also, so they're available all time. So including the peak times I am available, they will be happy to

play. And then, you know, it's also important to know that guinea pigs love routines. If there's one thing you can like look at, my guinea pigs is that they fall into routine very well. So if I were to say, start my routine where I'm spending more time with my guinea pig at night and early in the morning, that guinea pig would happily adjust.

Guinea pigs are awake for up to 20 hours a day. This means your guinea pig would happily adjust. Guinea pigs are awake for up to 20 hours a day. This means your guinea pig needs constant access to food and water, as well as safe hiding places and toys to keep them entertained day and night. How do you feel, how would you feel if I were to allow Scarlett to build the habitat, as you say, to see if they will eventually come field of dreams style.

Yeah. I mean, it would be a, uh, probably a substantial expense, I imagine, to construct this Guinea pig kingdom. With my own five to nine money. But do you, have you talked about this possibility, say with obviously Sally and, uh, pixel have a vet right? Yes, we do. Yes. Have you talked about like we're thinking about adopting a guinea pig? What do you think

is that how is that going to work with our particular dogs? Or does that vet treat guinea pigs or do you know a vet who does? I was going to say so you I would have to take I mean you can take your guinea pig to like a traditional vet like you would for Pixlr Sally, but I probably would take it to an exotic vet. And I have done some research and there are a handful within our neighborhood. Got it. Morgan, this has been going on in your relationship from the beginning, it sounds like four years, right?

Yeah, it's been going on at least since we started living together. Okay. And how do you feel when Scarlett keeps bringing this up? Like a cruel monster or the only reasonable person on earth? Um, sometimes both. I feel like I have a very reasonable position that like before guinea pigs happen, I would like more help with the dogs and that I will probably end up at least sometimes cleaning the cage out of pure, like, you know, something will come up.

You just don't believe that Scarlett will be able to... If you could believe that Scarlett was going to be 100% responsible for the guinea pig under edict from a podcast, for example, would that change your feeling about this or no? Well, I just think like logistically there will be times where for whatever reason Scar is unable to do it because as mentioned before they have a very busy schedule and who knows they might take a trip or something. I don't know what's in the future but I will probably have to do something with the skinny pig. I don't know I don't believe it would be a regular occurrence but either way it would mean that I definitely won't have more help with the dogs because there will be eight-bit priorities.

Scarlett, I hear your passion for guinea pigs and I feel it. And I have a question. Is there an option? Have you considered fostering a guinea pig with a rescue organization to see how it would fit into your life? Yeah, to find out if your dog would kill it. We are foster failures with Pixel. Okay. Yeah, we fostered Pixel and then we kept him.

But we did foster another dog previously who we did not keep. I wonder, I wonder honestly if a rescue organization would even allow you to foster or even adopt, allow you to adopt a guinea pig into a home with two, now three, well, two dogs eventually. I wonder. Or even adopt a Singleton.

I know someone in my life who would like to adopt a cat and it's very hard to adopt a single, single young cat right now. They don't like it. They don't like to adopt a cat, and it's very hard to adopt a single young cat right now. They don't like it. They don't like to do that. It's very hard to adopt most animals, yes. Anyway, just something to think about. I don't think it's unheard of though.

In fact, I know it's not unheard of as evidenced by my photo of my childhood dog and my guinea pigs hanging out, that people will adopt guinea pigs in multidiverse animal homes. Scarlett, you love guinea pigs. It's so clear. And I love your passion for them. But you also love a human named Morgan

who does not want a guinea pig, at least not right now. Why not give up for the sake of your marriage? I am not against a timeline that she sticks to. Oh, roasted. There was, yeah. But I need to work on my dismissive cough. That was great. That was some good scoffing.

But I need it work on my dismissive cough. That was great. That was some good scoffing. But I need it committed to. And the timeline cannot be her post wedding timeline of yeah, once Sally passes, because you cannot make me wait for the demise of my own dog to get a guinea pig. Why not? My dog I've had for nine, 10 years. I know, well, but you know, after a suitable grieving period.

It feels morbid. It feels like a very morbid timeline. Like if it was like something more, more, like less tied to the death of my very first adult, like my adult life dog, it would feel less morbid. Well, I was just going to say, I don't know how you put it less morbidly. I mean, after we no longer have Sally, I guess is one way you could put it. Are you trying to tell me that you wouldn't feel bad that Pixels doesn't have a friend

po Sally? Well, yeah, but you also want a dachshund. You want a wiener dog. Do you think I would look cute with a wiener dog? I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm going to go into my into my habit trail right now. That is my chambers and crawl around my plastic tubes. I'll find a little bit of sawdust to nuzzle into. I'll think about it. I'll be back in a moment with my verdict.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Scarlett, how are you feeling about your chances right now? Not good, sir. Why is that? In the Scarlett V. Guinea Pig case, I just think that the American people would stand by more. Americans are not ready for guinea pigs. I mean, the American people have not necessarily

been making the best choices lately. And the American people are not deciding this case. Morgan, how are you feeling about your chances? I feel pretty good. But I do think my casual mention of maybe after the wedding we can get a guinea pig, bite damn me, and may constitute some sort of binding legal promise. SID We'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment. SID The final leg of the Judge John Hodgman tour is happening right this very moment.

As you listen to this, West Coast, you're on notice. That's right, our first stop is the Hollywood Theater in the famous Hollywood district of Vancouver, British Columbia, that's right. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. We're returning to Canada for the first time in years, and thereafter continuing down the West Coast to Seattle, Washington, Portland, Oregon, San Francisco, California,

for the San Francisco SketchFest, and finally our sold-out show in Los Angeles. Now, as we record this, some of those shows may be very close to selling out. The only way for you to find out is to go get tickets at maximumfund.org slash events. Don't delay, join us on the West Coast, MaximumFun.org slash events.

And it might not be too late for you to get in a dispute even. It might be the only way you get into the show is if you have a dispute that we decide to litigate on stage. You can submit your disputes for the live shows at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. That's MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. That's maximumfund.org slash JJ HO. We'll see you IRL on the Judge John Hodgman live tour. Let's get back to the case.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. One thing my sister-in-law who is a whole human being on her own right and his name, Jennifer said, I have no regrets! I love my piggies! Are you sure this wasn't just Scarlett that you were texting? This was my sister-in-law, and I did not ask her if she had any regrets. This was in response to no question. It was simply, I think, a reflexive defense that I think people who love guinea pig owners often have to express to people who don't have

guinea pigs. Because guinea pigs are complicated animals. They are these little squeaking, you may have heard that they make the noise, wee, wee, wee. These little squeaking balls of fur, they are prey animals, which are complicated to keep as pets because their socializing is often, it gets confused with their desire to live. They're more, they tend to, like as someone who never had a guinea pig, but had as, was tricked into having a series of hamsters by various children who lived in my house, who died horrible deaths. The children?

No, no, the children are fine. This is not an Edward Gorey book. The hamsters were not, they were afraid, they were bitey, they were angry, they turned on each other, they had to be separated. I know that hamsters are not guinea pigs, right? But I'm just saying that this is part of, I have to acknowledge part of my trauma that informs this, which is that having prey animals for pets, you know, they want to survive and they want to hide and they will bite you. And then they are also prone to complicated diseases, which often take tragic turns, as indeed, you know, happened recently for Jennifer, my sister-in-law, who's old, I think that,

and even I, a person who had been traumatized by hamster death, had to say, that's a pretty cute animal. You have nothing to regret, Jennifer. You love your piggies, just like you do, Scarlett. You love your piggies. They're part of your childhood. And I think 8Bit is an incredible name for a guinea pig. And Morgan, I'm going to say something here.

You did a, you did a, I'm not saying a bad thing, but an unwise thing saying, uh, well, let's talk, let's maybe we can have one after the marriage. That was a bad maneuver. Both in the sense, both in the reality show sense, like you play, you play the game poorly. You're no Boston Rob. Yeah. Cause that's just, that's tactically an error. Cause that's only going to come back around and, and, and nip at your fingers like a prey animal later. And you will be held to that. Not exactly a promise, but it is a,

a hope that you offered. And I think it's pretty clear, a false hope, at least where you stand in your relationship and in your apartment in Chicago and in your pet portfolio now, that you don't want to have a guinea pig, not now or for the foreseeable future. And with understandable reason, you have a very full pet portfolio in your home. You have two dogs, one of whom gets confused and goes tries to take a human shower. And you have a wonderful relationship with a beloved person, but Scarlet's very busy and for both reasons of schedule

and physical limitations that need to be navigating, they're not holding up their end of the fur baby bargain at the moment. At least they're just not, you're taking the brunt of it. Trust me, as someone who was a freelancer and has been self, marginally self-employed for the past 25 years, when we had kids, younger kids and animals,

it does fall to the freelance person to fill in the gaps of childcare and animal care and so forth when the person who is working outside the home just can't do it. And it is a cardinal rule of guinea pig husbandry that one guinea pig will not do. I think that it is essential that you have two guinea pigs if you're going to have any at all. I think that it is essential that you have two guinea pigs if you're going to have any at all. And I think that it is disingenuous of you, Scarlett, to suggest that this isn't already on your mind. I mean, marriage is a contract and you have to live up to it. And that means, first and foremost, that you have to take care of each other, the humans in the relationship,

First and foremost that you have to take care of each other, the humans in the relationship, right? First and foremost. And you do sacrifice things that you might want in order to maintain and live up to the promises that you make being married. This would be very cut and dry indeed if you had never said that dumb thing, Morgan. Sorry. If you had not spoken your truth, because that's the other part of getting married, is you have to be really adept at learning and understanding what your truth is and really

speaking it. And you're the truth of your happiness and the truth of how much of your happiness you're willing to compromise on. I think it's clear that Scarlett's happiness is very, very entwined with the idea of having guinea pigs in the future. And you have tacitly agreed to that, Morgan, and it's not exactly fair, but none of this is. But at the same time, Scarlett, you have to acknowledge that the person, the human that you love most in the world, I'm presuming, is very, very skeptical about this. To the point of maybe not liking the idea at all, and with good reasons. It's going to be a burden upon Morgan.

It's going to be a burden upon Morgan. It's going to be a burden upon Sally. It's going to be a burden upon Pixel. And certainly a burden upon you too. But even you are not making the fools promise, I will do everything. The promise every five-year-old child makes to their parents when they demand a dog, I'll do everything, I'll do everything.

You know that that's not going to be the case, but it will be a burden for you as well. And I've got to say, I'm grateful that you already know that right now it is not a good time to bring a guinea pigs into this apartment because you have a sister and a dog who's already living there. By the way, an accommodation that Morgan made on behalf of your family,

a pretty big one. I, I trust it's a happy accommodation. Do you know what I mean? It's all works out fine, but it's like, you know, I would say that though Morgan gave you that hope and though maybe Morgan thought it was false hope, it has to be true hope. Obviously, nothing can move forward until Savannah and Winston move out. And I know that it's morbid and I know that it's hard and I know that it's challenging. And maybe you'll even think it's cruel, but I don't think the conversation happens until you have one dog in your life and not two. And I think that you owe it to Sally,

who was already bedeviled by a cave before to let her finish her journey on this earth, having already adapted to Pixel and Winston. And though I know that that's harsh, these decisions are hard to make about when to bring in new animals and when not, and to bring in big changes. And I think that it's reasonable to give both your wife and your elderly dog a chance to just be chill where it's at for a while longer. At the same time, it's your office. If you want to build a guinea pig kingdom in there, I would love to see weird designs. That's incredible. I think weird designs. That's incredible. Like I think you should trust that this podcast believes in your mission and that your kingdom shall rise and it shall have two guinea pigs in it. But not until there is less going on in your house so that the labor in taking care

of the dogs and the guinea pigs and the humans, the emotional, the happy emotional labor of taking care of each other is in a place of balance that will allow the guinea pigs to come in and then rule. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgson rules that is all. Morgan, how do you feel right now? That's kind of what I was expecting. I felt like we were always going to get into some sort of compromise vis-a-vis guinea pig acquisition, but I'm glad that the judge took my side when it comes to limiting it to one dog when it comes to having great guinea pigs.

Although as previously stated, Scar does also want another dog after Sally passes, so we'll see. Scarlet, how are you feeling? Mildly cheated, because I know she's also going to want a second dog when Sally passes. Morgan, Scarlet, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thanks for having us. Yeah, thank you. Thanks for having us. Yeah, thank you. Another Judge John Hodgman case is in the books.

This week's episode was named by Reddit user AmbitiousFactor715. You can join us on the Maximum Fun subreddit at r slash MaximumFun over there on Reddit and in the Reddit app. That's where we ask for our title suggestions. You can also just enjoy the title suggestions of others. Just enjoy them. That's what I do. I go over there and you know what I do, Jesse? What do you do? I enjoy them.

I enjoy the heck out of them. Evidence and photos from the show are posted on our website at maximumfun.org as well as on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgeman. And we're also on TikTok and YouTube as well as on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman. And we're also on TikTok and YouTube with full video of episodes. So go and like and subscribe and share the episodes

and maybe one day something we make will hit the algorithm and people will learn about our show. You can help of course, by liking and subscribing and sharing and leaving comments and so forth. Meanwhile, thank you to Lisa Huntress on Apple podcasts who left us some very kind words and a five star rating. Lisa Huntress says about the show, quote,

in the spirit of helping in the way you're asked to help, I'm rating this podcast. It's very kindly because that's what we say. It's like, if you like the show, it really helps us to go over and rate it somewhere. So Lisa did so, and they say, I just came out of a meditation retreat. Could all use more of that these days.

My heart is filled with gratitude for the wisdom that Judge John Hodgman and I dare say, Bailiff Jesse Thorne has shared over the years. Thank you for your gentle and lighthearted presence. Thank you, Lisa Huntress. And indeed everyone should try to practice a little bit of mindfulness. Take a few minutes out of your day to just breathe

and concentrate or not concentrate on some quiet time. And then go ahead over to Apple Podcasts and rate and review us if you please, or go over to Pocket Cast and do the same thing. Or as I say, if you're watching us on YouTube, you can leave a comment on the episode, like, share, subscribe. All of these things really do help other listeners,

new listeners discover the show and we're very grateful. Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. This by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. This episode was engineered by Colin Bollinger and Max Fabian at Tightrope Recording in Chicago, Illinois. The podcast is edited by AJ McKeon. Our video producer is Daniel Spear, and our ever capable producer is Jennifer Marmer,

childhood neighbor, grandma neighbor of Elijah Wood. Grandma neighbor of Elijah Wood. This is our last episode with social media manager, Natty Lopez, our thanks to Natty. Natty's done so much wonderful work on our social media. Thank you, Natty. Over the last year, thank you so much. We'll miss you.

And a big welcome to our new social media manager, Dan Telfer. Welcome aboard, Dan. He's a very hilarious guy, very funny standup. If you've never seen his standup comedy, we're so excited to be working with him. Now, I just wanna say, thank you, Natty Lopez. You're wonderful and you brought so much energy

and verve to social media and we're gonna miss you a lot. And Dan, I also, I love a lot too, and you're gonna enjoy interacting with him on the social media. If you see Dan posting, make sure to tell him what your favorite dinosaur is. Chances are you're wrong. Now, Swift Justice,

where we answer your small disputes with quick judgment, meow underscore meow says, it should be illegal for someone at work to chat hi and then not immediately follow up with their request. I'd like a ruling that one must say hi please send me that report or whatever it is that they want or just not say anything at all. Okay meow meow here's what I have to say. Hi. You're absolutely right.

People should follow up. They should follow up their first sentences with second sentences, whether they're talking or chatting. You have to be understand that when you start saying something, the other person is, if they're polite and gracious is waiting for you to finish, you should be considerate of their time. Hey, that's a workplace beef and we need more beefs from your workplace.

Surely they've got, you've got some for us. Maybe your colleagues have fun lunch plans on your work from home day. Boo. Do you hate how your coworker folds sweaters on the sales floor? Are they doing it wrong? Does someone in your coworking space monopolize the best desk? Hey, do you work in the mornings in a, uh, in a lovely coffee shop in Brooklyn? How do you feel when, um, someone comes and takes your chair and says, we're

holding this table for our party of six in a coffee shop, It's not my chair, of course, nobody's chair, just they weren't sitting there yet, but they told me I couldn't sit there because they were waiting for a party of six. This isn't a WeWork space. Yeah. And I said, okay. And then guess what?

The other people never showed up and they left. Wow. Bees, we're talking about workplace bees, whether you work in an office, work in a coffee shop or work at home, send us all your workplace disputes at maximumfund.org slash JJHO. That's where we get all the disputes that you might have for us.

And indeed, we need those disputes, don't we, Jesse? Indeed, on any subject, you can submit them at maximumfund.org slash JJHO. No beef is too big or too small for the Judge John Hodgman podcast. That's maximumfun.org slash JJ HO. And we'll talk to you next time on Judge John Hodgman.