Judge John Hodgman - Chevy Case

Episode Date: May 23, 2012

Patrick and his his girlfriend Hannah moved to Portland, Oregon last year and used Patrick's trusty Camaro to get there. Hannah has since bought Patrick's car from him to use on her commute to work, and sees it as a strictly utilitarian possession – car washing is unnecessary. Patrick is rankled by her lack of care for the Camaro's appearance and thinks she should show some pride of ownership. Who is right?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, Chevy Case. Patrick and his girlfriend Hannah moved to Portland, Oregon last year and used Patrick's trusty Camaro to get there. Hannah has since bought Patrick's car from him to use on her commute to work and sees it as a strictly utilitarian possession. and sees it as a strictly utilitarian possession. Car washing is completely unnecessary. Patrick is rankled by her lack of care for the Camaro's appearance and thinks she should show some pride of ownership. Who is right and who is wrong? Only one man can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Oh, hey, Jesse, what's happening? Oh, I don't know. Well, rumor around town says you think you might be heading down to the shore. Yeah, I think I'm going down to the shore. What are you going to do down there? I don't know, play some video games, buy some Def Leppard T-shirts. Okay, but the important thing now, Jesse,

is that you asked me what kind of justice I'm going to dispense. What kind of justice are you going to dispense? Oh, you know, just some podcast justice, podcast justice. I judge all my neighbors. Podcast justice, podcast justice. Now it's in the AV Club papers. I started doing podcast justice with no law degree at hand. Now I judge people in the USA and also in Portland. Podcast justice, podcast justice with no law degree at hand. Now I judge people in the USA and also in Portland.

Podcast justice, podcast justice, nose buds marketing. Podcast justice, podcast justice, Jesse, swear them in. Please rise and raise your white hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he commutes in two Camaros at once? I do. I do. Very well. Judge Hodgman?

Hello, everyone. Patrick and Hannah, those are your names, is that correct? Yes. That's correct. All right, and I think I can figure out who is who. Yes, I hope so. All right. And I think I can figure out who is who. Yes, I hope so. All right. Now, for an immediate summary judgment, can you name the very popular song that I just paraphrased? Hannah? Is it the intro to Judge Judy? Patrick? Patrick? No answer. Really? Really?

What are your ages? I'm 23. I'm 24. Youthful people, both of you. Jesse, do you know what it was? No. Bitchin' Camaro by the Dead Milkmen. Oh.

That was a gimme. I should have just Googled Camaro songs before starting this. I appreciate your honesty and not Googling while I was singing. We could have, you probably, if you guys were at least 40 years old, we could have all gotten it. And then we could have all gone home. But instead, I get to listen to your dumb dispute. So what's the problem, Anna? A couple of months back after moving to Portland, we both found jobs. Unfortunately, mine requires a car to commute and Patrick no longer needed a car because he has the luxury of being within biking distance. Because of Portland deadbeatism?

Sure, sure. We can call it that. What are your jobs? I'm a graphic designer and... And I'm a project manager for a print company. A graphic designer, I know what that is. What is a project manager for a print company? You just kind of sit around and carry a clipboard and act important all right sounds good and hope that your boss doesn't

listen to podcasts you know you live in in portland you're not supposed to have that kind of job there you guys are rebels pacific northwestern rebels all right so you so so you have to drive to your job in portland earning you the ire of everyone else around you. Yes, exactly. And you guys are romantically, what do we say? You're children, of course, so I don't even know what you say anymore. You guys are boyfriend, girlfriend? Yes.

You're going steady? Yeah. Are you cohabitating? Yes. Okay. And you moved out to Portland together from where? From Ohio. Okay.

So you're still nice people. When was this? This was about nine months ago, the end of summer. Okay. Nothing against my friends in Portland. You're nice people too. Just a little too nice. Just a little too nice. Just a little too friendly.

So, Hannah. So you moved to Portland and you drove out together in this Camaro. Correct. With all of the possessions that we had. Okay. Including the Camaro. Yes.

Which belonged, past tense, belonged to Patrick. Is that right? That's correct. Right. And then you purchased it, Hannah? Yes. Kind of pseudo purchased, if you will. What do you mean, Patrick? Well, on our process of moving out here, our process of moving out here, Hannah had the bigger bank account and I had the personal asset of a 2000 Camaro that would get us here. So once we get here and need to, you know, furnish and find apartments and all sorts of living expenses, I was pretty much, you know, deferred all that payment towards Hannah. And so then to, in order to call our debts free, we would trade the Camaro for a writing off of my debt that I owed her for expenses. So the minute, the minute you pulled into the city limits of Portland,

you switched entirely to a barter economy. Is that what you're saying? Yes. I pay him in chicken eggs to do the dishes. So you forgave him all of his debt by taking his car from him? Yes. First of all, Hannah, good for you for keeping him honest. Were legal papers exchanged? Nothing except the title of the car, which was switched. So you went to an office someplace?

The lovely DMV. That's what they call it in Portugal. It says lovely on the sign. Okay, so legally that car is yours? Yes. In consideration of a dollar or anything?

No, nothing. We just called it even. All right. I'm going to stipulate that that is a legal purchase. If someone who actually knows things about the law wants to write in later and tell me, I don't think it was going to change my decision. The car is in your name now, right?

Mm-hmm. And who pays for the insurance? I do. Okay. And have you made payments on the insurance already? Yes. Okay. And the insurance is in your name? Correct. Okay. Very well. So that's your car. So what's the problem, Hannah? All right. Well, you know what? I'm going to go, I'm going to go over to Patrick now. Patrick, what's the problem?, I've had that car. I got that car when I was a ripe young age of 16. You know, I got like a five-year bank loan to pay that sucker off.

You bought it yourself. This wasn't from your parents. No, I bought it myself, yes. All right. Go on. So, you know, I paid that thing off. And, yeah, it's not, I mean, it's no Mercedes-Benz or anything luxurious. And, you know, I would have to argue that it is even more hipster in Portland because there are so few of them we are even further against the grain.

Well, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Why are you running down the thing that you bought when you were 16 years old? It's not a Mercedes-Benz. Okay, but it's a Camaro. I guarantee you, you're nice people from Ohio. I guarantee you every human in Portland knows the song Bitchin' Camaro by Dead Milkman. That is a guarantee from the court of Judge Sean Hodgman. So I would say it's very cool to be driving around a year 2000 Camaro because it's so crummy. Now describe the car. I have evidence here.

I have pictures of the car. It's obviously a two-door. Is it black or is it sort of deep burgundy in color? It is black, but you might be confused by some of the musk that has gathered on the outside of the car. Okay. Now this goes to the point of it. I feel just basically with any general car ownership or anything that comes with it, you know, you take care of the car, you get the oil changed, you fill the gas, you know,

you do all that kind of stuff. And I feel that. Yeah, filling the gas is probably a good thing. Yeah, that's probably a good thing. That's a point of. Yeah, that's probably a good thing. That's a point of basic maintenance, I suppose. But, I mean, not necessarily a regular basis, but I feel that once it gets to the point of visually becoming an eyesore, I mean, you can do yourself and the community a favor by, you know, giving that car a wash and kind of spiffing it up a little bit, you know? Hannah, have you washed this car? This is the crux of the argument. You don't wash the car.

Yes, I don't wash it. You've owned the car now for nine months, more or less? About. Okay. Have you washed it during that period? Only once. And this was the occasion where Patrick promised to buy me lunch. And so we get into the car and we go to drive and get a weekend lunch. And then he says, once we get in the car, he says to me, I'm not going to buy you lunch until you drive this car to a car wash. And I put it through the car wash and pay for it. So this is not just the barter economy in Portland. This is barter blackmail.

Yes, it is. So you got it washed that one time because you were starving for food. Yes. Can I preface this argument with a tiny backstory on what led up to the car wash? Okay. So a few weeks before, we decided to make the brilliant trek up Mount Hood and try and get to Timberline Lodge in a 2002-door Camaro. And I presume rear-wheel drive, right?

Yes. Zoom rear wheel drive, right? Yes, rear wheel drive. Very, very capable of doing donuts and or drifting around corners. Yeah. What we call fishtailing. Fishtailing, that's the word. Anyway, so we get – It's good for those windy mountain passes. Oh, perfect. So we get about halfway up, and we're just sliding all over the place

and these Subarus and Ford trucks are burning by us and just kind of giving us weird looks. So anyway, we turn around and we, you know, call it a defeat, go back home and it kind of sits outside for a while and all that salt and nastiness

that comes with the, you know know snow pack was just covering the car and it was just a complete eyesore for the neighborhood and just everything i say so you were so you were driving in snow yes gotcha uh and and that was why you you refused to give your girlfriend food until she got it washed? Or is this another example? Oh, no, this was the preface story. That was the preface to the event. And how long after has it been sitting around with all the salt and so on before you finally said, this is it?

No more awesome cones from the awesome cone waffle cone truck. I love that one. Until you get washed. I'd probably say it was a good month. Okay. And why didn't you want to get the car washed, Hannah? I don't see the value in spending $5 or $6 or however much it costs to get a car wash when that money could be used for other things. I pay for the insurance. I pay for the gas. I do all of those

things. And I don't see the value in washing a car. It's not hurting the car in any way. The paint is fine. It's not rusting. And it rains here pretty regularly, so I was not particularly worried about salt affecting the car at all. You mentioned in the letter that you originally sent in, I purchased the car out of necessity and utility, as we know its history and quirks. What are its quirks? I don't know if anyone is familiar with the kind of, you know, how Camaros have been known in the past, but they're not the most reliable car. It's definitely been through about two or three starters, rebuilt the entire rear end transmission, you know, multiple injectors and all that fun stuff.

Did you do it yourself or did you pay for a professional to do all this stuff? I definitely deferred to the professional. Right. You're not a grease monkey yourself. No. Okay. And then, Hannah, you go on to write, however, I really detest the fact that I now drive a 2000 Camaro. Why do you detest this car that Patrick has put so much care into and clearly loves? You love this car, right, Patrick?

I mean, it's a part of my childhood. How can I not? It's a part of his childhood, Hannah. Why do you detest the Camaro? I think it's the fact that I am so far from the demographic of Camaro drivers that I feel weird driving it. How would you describe the demographic of Camaro drivers? People that know how cars work. Okay. I don't know how cars work, really. And so I feel almost that I shouldn't be driving it because I haven't earned the right to drive a Camaro.

Is that true? I'll remind you that you're under fake oath here. Because it sounds like you're trying to be really nice to your boyfriend, Patrick, by saying, I just don't know if I've earned the Camaro. You said, I detest the fact that I now drive. Those are your words, madam. Your words.

You don't detest something that you don't think you've earned. If anything, that's an aspiration. I'm excited that I get to, or I feel a fraud that I get to drive the piece of machinery poetry that is a Camaro. That's what you would say if you felt you hadn't earned it, but you detest it. Tell me true. What is the real demographic of a Camaro driver and why do you detest this car? I'm not sure. Not people that live in Portland or people, I don't know. Stop dancing around it. I demand an answer, madam. I don't know. Patrick, I dare you to tell the truth. What is she talking about? What is the kind of person who drives a Camaro?

I would assume what she's referring to is kind of a, you know, middle-aged, blue-collared, NASCAR-watching, you know, bitchin' Camaro-listening kind of fellow, if you will. You just described a human who does not exist. One of those punk rock NASCAR types. You know, a middle-aged blue-collar NASCAR fan who loves hardcore from the mid-80s. Sarcastic Philadelphia hardcore from the mid-80s, no less. The only place that that person exists is in Portland because every affect of his personality is affected. All right. So you did not tell the truth, did you?

No. Tell me the truth now. Who is a Camaro driver and why is that not you? Truth now. Who is a Camaro driver and why is that not you? A Camaro driver is someone who enjoys, I guess like Patrick said, NASCAR or keg stands. I don't know. going with this was a kind of demographic slash cultural snobbery. That is to say dudes with mullets driving around, listen to white snake. Do you know what I mean? That's what I figured you were going on with. Right. But you went to both of you kind of go to like NASCAR loving,

which may very well be, I don't know. I just never thought of Camaros in that way myself. Interesting. Well, I guess we know that you're both bigots. Anyway, moving on. The point is the car just doesn't feel like you. Is that what you're saying, Hannah? That's exactly it. And so even though actually salt does damage the undercarriage of a car, you're saying that you would prefer not to spend the five or six dollars a month to protect the car from that damage because that five or six dollars is better spent on spite.

Is that not true? I suppose that sums it up pretty well. What would you have me do in this situation, Patrick, if I were to find in your favor? What would you have me do in this situation, Patrick, if I were to find in your favor? I would just, I mean, just a reasonable, I wouldn't say it has to be necessarily scheduled, but just a reasonable. Hang on a second. Before you answer that question, I'm going to back it up a second. I'm going to ask you a different question.

Okay. When Hannah passively or actively refuses to wash the car that you bought when you were 16. Unless blackmailed by hunger. Unless you throw her down a pit in the basement and starve her until she does it. How does that make you feel? You know, I kind of felt that I was being nice and doing a favor while giving her the car without charging her any money when we didn't have any much money to begin with and oh really hang on here it was a hang on yeah it was not a favor you go madam that was an exchange for money you owed me yeah now I sense you're ready to tell the truth go ahead ahead. You tell him what's what.

Well, I just think that he is holding this over my head because he still feels so attached to this car. Like it was some favor that he gave me a car to drive when I could have very well left him with the car, had him still owe me money and gone out and gotten a different car. What kind of car do you want to get? An affordable, reliable, used, hmm. Subaru, right? No. I'd probably just get a Civic or something like that. But you want something with front-wheel drive, if not all-wheel drive.

Yes, front-wheel. I don't like to buzz market a lot of cars, and I don't own a Subaru anymore. I've had them in the past, but that's what everyone drives there, right? Yes. I think there are at least 10 on our block. I mean, there's a reason for it, isn't there? Yeah. There's probably a robust used market for old Subarus there. They all have all wheel drive. They're, they're basically reliable cars.

There's nothing, there's no kind of car that you specifically want. You're not one of these people who fetishizes a, a, a mini, for example, a mini Cooper. You're not one of these people who wants to tie two Vespas together and be extra cool that way. You don't want a smart car or, or, or whatever, a Mercedes Benz or whatever. Yes. I just want a car that gets me from A to B that doesn't require a lot of upkeep and is reliable. And what's keeping you from doing that? You don't want to spend five or six dollars on a car wash. But you also tell me that you're both employed. So without revealing to me your financial details, are you guys really on a tight budget at the moment?

Yes, I don't really have the sort of on hand cash capital to go out and buy a new car or a used car. So at this point, I've, the situation was good, because now I can just sort of drive the Camaro for another year or two until I pay off some debts and build up some savings and then go out and get a more reliable car that more fits what I want. And the added bonus is that if you drive the Camaro for another year or two without washing it, it will be such garbage at the end of that that you will have your revenge for the fact that you had to drive it for two years. I guess that's exactly it. Yes.

That'll show that, Camaro. Yes. Patrick, you're a Camaro expert. How much could Hannah get for this car if she were to trade it in? Oh, man. At ye olde barter time Subaru food truck in Portland? I probably say, I mean, I would hope anywhere between $2,000 and $3,000. I don't know if that's on the high end. I actually do know. The Kelly Blue Book right now says three thousand.

Why did I even ask him? It's not his car anymore. You've got the Kelly Blue Book on your bedside table. You go to sleep every night just sort of looking like three thousand. Let's see. Two nineteen ninety nine. No, 2,000 black Camaro. T-tops. A T-top? Really? What? Yes. It's a T-top. So we get one last summer at least with the T-tops off.

Wow. All right. Now, since you lied, Hannah, I hold you in contempt because you didn't answer truthfully when i said what kind of person drives a camaro and you know what also now that i hold you in contempt too patrick because when i asked you how it made you feel you went off on this thing like i feel like i did her a favor by loaning her this camaro when she bought it from you so i'll give you one last chance to answer honestly. I'm going to hold you both in contempt. How did it make you feel when she doesn't take care of the car that you bought when you were 16? Yeah, it just, it kind of lets me down a little bit that someone else who,

I mean, it's kind of like selling anything that has been important to you in the past. You know, you hope that the next owner, whether it's a house or a car or whatnot, takes good care of it and, you know, keeps those, I guess, your own artificial memories or whatnot alive, even though it's not even yours anymore. So I just just kind of treat it the way that I would have treated it as kind of how it makes me feel. I wish she would act. And why is that an unreasonable thing to ask, Hannah? I feel like it's his way of still having his hand in some sort of ownership of the car. I don't feel like it is fully my car. And I guess this is my small way of shoving that in his face. How long have you been seeing each other?

Two and a half years now. And is this typical of other areas of your relationship? Yes. I'm extremely competitive and I hold a lot of things like this over him, I guess.

Is this a dynamic that is fun and exciting for you or is this a dynamic that is toxic? It's fun and exciting. For you or is this a dynamic that is toxic? It's fun and exciting. For you it is, I know, but Patrick. It's toxically fun and exciting. Okay, I think I have everything I need to make my decision. I'm going to ride my double Vespas into my chambers,

and I will be right back in a moment taking up my decision. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Patrick, this sounds like it's really burning you up inside i mean you gotta you gotta really feel for what you know what your past is about and it it hurts me to walk out and see the car sitting there it looks so sad hannah why are you still turning this knife in his wound because Because I am that competitive and that, I don't know, holding a grudge against him feeling like it's still his car. Do you think you're going to win this case? I think so. Patrick, how are you feeling about your chances?

I feel like I have pretty good chances. I feel any like-minded individual would agree that it is a basic necessity and responsibility of car ownership is to take care of the exterior as well. You really, Hannah, in nine months, you only washed it once? You know, it does rain a lot here, so that's sort of like a car wash, right? You know that when it's dirty and it rains, that only makes it worse because it gives it those weird rivulets. Yes. Patrick, Hannah, best of luck to you. Thank you.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom. So, first of all, Patrick, you need to accept something in your life. Okay. This is not in your life. Okay. This is not your car anymore. Okay. It is not your car. And another thing is, it's not yours. The car, I mean.

You need to keep repeating this to yourself. Because you don't have ownership of this car anymore. And I think that it really showed your car is when I asked you how you made it feel. It's like, well, I loaned her this car. You didn't loan her the car. It's not yours. And the fact that you still care about this car is perfectly reasonable.

But if you don't see how your possessiveness about this car is creating a feedback loop whereby Hannah becomes determined to destroy this car just to spite you, then you are a very blind man indeed. Let's just stipulate now. Patrick, repeat after me. Okay.

I, Patrick. I, Patrick. A former Camaro owner. A former Camaro owner. Now own no cars. Now own no cars. Even though I know the best way to take care of all cars. Even though

I know the best way to take care of all cars. I have no car to take care of. I have no car to take care of. And no legal grounding. And no legal grounding. To force my opinion upon others. To force my opinion upon others. To force my opinion upon others. Bitchin' Camaro. Bitchin' Camaro. Bitchin' Camaro. Bitchin' Camaro. I once had a bitchin'

Camaro. I once had a bitchin' Camaro. Okay, now, Hannah, I can hear you gloating. Be careful with your audible gloating. Because, first of all, you should wash this car. It is part of a reasonable car ownership process. I don't wash my car very often. It's probably been six months since I washed my car. I don't care that much about it either. about it either. But it is true, if you're using it on snow, snow and salt will do bad things to a car. And there is no rational reason you should allow bad things to happen to a car, even if you hate it. And I would say the best resolution is to get rid of this car as soon as possible so that you can allow Patrick to mourn the loss of his childhood without you dancing all over it and smashing it in with a jackhammer. There are two things that you need to understand. Hurting this car in order to hurt your boyfriend is not a good idea for the car or for him. Do you allow him to drive the car? No, because he does not fall under my insurance.

Really? Unless I'm that lazy and I say, you know what, you can drive it this one time. I would take a look at the, I would call your insurance agent. How sure are you of that? It costs extra. I have a really cheap plan and it costs extra to add any other drivers.

Oh. Not even as a guest? No. If they live in your house. Yeah, if you live together, you can't allow another person to drive it unless you are covered. That's what it was. Under the insurance plan. Oh, you know about this, Jesse?

Yeah, no, I had to, when my wife and I shared a car, well, before we were husband and wife, but we lived, we were living in sin. You have to pay extra to put the other, you either have to pay extra to have two drivers on the policy, or if you share a house, you have to elect that one of them will never drive the car. Huh, what about that? The law. Isn't that interesting? See, cause what I was going to say is you can go ahead and hate this car, but let Patrick spend $6 once a month while you are sleeping to take, to take the old girl out

for a spin and get it washed. And just everyone would feel better. But that's not a possibility. Right. You are the owner of this car, okay? It is difficult for me to compel you to get it washed on a regular basis, even though I think it is a minimal cost to you, both financially and emotionally, and would do a great deal to make Patrick feel a little bit

better. Now, I do recommend that you do that, but I can't compel you to do it. Because you own the car and because out of spite you got this terrible insurance plan to further humiliate your boyfriend, therefore not allowing him to ever drive the car, then I cannot compel you to get it washed. But I do recommend that you do it, both for the sake of the car and for the sake of your happiness at home. That said, under no legal jurisdiction whatsoever, I can compel you to take advantage of the T-top for one last summer and then sell that car and get it out of your life so you can move on with your lives.

So when are you going to sell it? September, October, November? Yes. Within those three months, it will be sold. Okay. And I'm going to leave its washing schedule to you. Just reminding you that if you don't wash it, you're kind of being monstrous.

Okay, I promise to wash it every now and again to make Patrick feel better and to keep it okay. And it'll be more pleasant to drive around in the car. Exactly. I mean, it's bad enough. But, you know, as I'm saying, the law does not allow me to compel you to get it washed. The law actually doesn't even allow me to compel you to sell it. But I'm telling you this in order to be happy.

With those stipulations, I find in favor of Hannah, who is the owner of the car. She can do with it what she wishes. I encourage her to wash it. I order her to sell it before you guys break up, which is obviously a very happy relationship. Sorry about that, Patrick. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Hannah, you'll no longer have a cudgel with which to bludgeon your beloved. How are you feeling? I guess I'll have to find a new one. I'm just kidding. I love him.

Patrick, is this judgment enough for you? It is enough. It will be nice to agree with the judge. And I feel like it's time for us to move on and move on with our life automobile wise and otherwise. Well, Patrick, Hannah,

thank you so much for joining us on the program. It was a pleasure. Thank you very much. And hey, Patrick, Hannah, thank you so much for joining us on the program. It was a pleasure. Thank you very much. And hey, guys, once you get that teatop to open up and it's a beautiful summer afternoon, go take a spin by Awesome Cone and tell me if it's still there and how they're doing. All right. Will do.

Take a picture of yourselves eating a waffle cone full of curry chicken salad or whatever and let me know how it's going. All right. Good. Thanks, guys. You know what we should do? We should go out in the parking lot one day and put on white T-shirts and open up the hoods of our cars and drink beers and talk about women.

Yeah, do some donuts. Exactly so. You know what? On second thought, let's just eat some donuts Exactly so You know what, on second thought Let's just eat some donuts Agreed Let's clear out this docket, shall we? That seems reasonable My friend Mark and I, this is from Damien

Are traveling dueling piano players I'm ready to leave it at that Are you finding for or against? I'm ready to leave it at that. Are you finding for or against? I'm finding for both of them. They're both right. Because a piano duel is a duel where no one wins. We were listening to Judge John Hodgman's Rashamom episode while driving back to Atlanta from a gig recently

when we were informed by a traffic sign that the left lane would be closed up ahead. Mark, the driver, immediately pulled into the right lane, which was barely moving forward. Many cars passed us on the left for the next two to three miles while we inched forward on I-20. He was running late for another show, and I suggested that he get in the left lane and merge at a future point to try and save time. He stated that we're supposed to merge as soon as possible and that we should stay the course. I'm convinced that you should only merge when you actually see where the lane is ending. Who's right? Sorry, I was listening to the dueling piano music in my head. This is a point of tremendous contention. And there is a book by Tom Vanderbilt called Traffic, which is really interesting, which talks about the sort of groupthink and sometimes the lack of consensus in groupthink that happens when you put a bunch of people in metal killing machines and put them out on the road together. The reality is that it would be more efficient for everyone to use both lanes until the very moment of merging,

at which point they should politely take turns zippering together and merging into one lane. But there is almost an ironclad social consensus that when you see the lane-ending merge right sign or lane-ending merge left sign, that you should get immediately into the continuing lane and drive there slowly and then silently curse out the people

who speed past you in the lane that is going to end. Frankly, it is time for this consensus to become no longer a consensus. As I say, it is maximal use of the highway space for everyone to travel as far as they can in both lanes until they're required to merge, and then politely allow people to merge. The kind of building up of resentment in that lane of continuing traffic as they see those other people cheat, as they so believe, by getting ahead and passing them is such that people don't let people in when they're trying to merge, and it just slows down traffic even more. So knock it off, one of you piano players. Let the other guy go a little bit further

in the lane that is ending. And let's try to change this habit and be polite to one another. Thomas writes, I work day shift in a hospital and have a habit of eating lunch in my car. Afterwards, I frequently shut my eyes for 20 to 30 minutes

to refresh myself. Suicidally sad. My friend Tim has confided that he too enjoys a nap during lunch while in his car. A third party, Sam, has ridiculed this practice incessantly, calling our lunch breaks hobo naps in that we are sleeping in our cars like homeless people. Sam recently upped the ante by sharing a furtive camera phone photo of Tim sleeping with the caption, Aw, isn't he adorable? Will you make a judgment on the appropriateness of spending one's lunch hour as one sees fit? I seek an injunction on further harassment from Sam,

as well as damages afforded to Tim in whatever manner you deem fair. Look, first of all, let me stipulate, working a day shift in the hospital, eating lunch in in your car and taking a nap there Is all very sad It's practically a Raymond Carver story There is something very grim about it But, you know You live your life your way Maybe you're on to something bigger

Maybe you're working your way through a college or something Maybe this is what you've always dreamed of doing So no judgment But here, I will make judgment Take your nap It is not your fault that society doesn't Maybe this is what you've always dreamed of doing. So no judgment. But here, I will make judgment. Take your nap. It is not your fault that society doesn't provide nap cots after the age of five in your place of work. Although I bet you in that hospital you could probably find a lot of cots.

But the point is, naps are really important. Every study shows that they are incredibly important to mental health and overall productivity. And if you feel the need to take a nap, you should take it. And if the only place you feel comfortable doing that is in your Camaro or other kind of car, you should do it. And proof of this is the fact that Sam, the non-nap taker, is an edgy jerk. So yes, I find entirely in Thomas and Tim's favors Take your naps I would try to find maybe a little bit more comfortable place to do it Especially if you work in a hospital But if you can't, take that nap in the car And Sam, stop bugging them

And get yourself some rest, buddy Well, alright, Jesse So I think I'm going to relax now And put my feet up on these Vespas That I tied to my double Camaros and enjoy some dueling piano playing, courtesy of the Andrews Brothers at theandrewsbrothers.com, Buzz Marketing. Hey, speaking of Buzz Marketing,

I want to mention another one of our MaxFun podcasts that people should give a listen to. Let's hear. Throwing Shade with the hilarious Aaron Gibson and Brian Safi. Oh man, it is a great show. It is a dissection of all of the week's most important news to the lady and homosexual communities

and all of that news has given much less respect than it deserves. It is a very, very funny show. It is sort of like it's sort of, you know, jokes and japes. It's much more a comedy program than it is a news program. And I think people in our audience would really get a kick out of it. Well, you know what I love, Jesse? What's that? Jokes, japes, and the conjunction and. So I'm a fan of this show.

Jokes, Japes, and the conjunction and. So I'm a fan of this show. Well, you can find Throwing Shade on our website at MaximumFun.org, or you can find it in iTunes. There are a lot of laughs to be had for you there, whether you are, as Erin calls herself, a feminasty, whether you are homosexual, or whether you are heterosensitive, as I myself identify myself to be. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Bye-bye. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at AreasOfMyExpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO.

If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at Forum.MaximumFun.org and our Facebook group at Facebook.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.