Judge John Hodgman - Classic Friendaround

Episode Date: September 19, 2018

Guest Bailiff Jean Grae returns to the court to help Judge John Hodgman clear the docket! They talk about party hosting responsibilities, dad jokes, pet names, keeping the bathroom door open and Hogwarts house sorting. Plus much, much more!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm guest bailiff, your favorite, Jean Grey, filling in for our friend Jesse Thorne. We are in chambers this week to clear the docket. Jean Grey. Hi. My favorite Jean Grey. Oh, man, mine too. I'm so glad you're here.

Me too. My name is John Hodgman. We've met before. Is it? Yeah. You've been the guest bailiff on this program before. 90 times. And we have a lot of fun together.

Right now, you know, we're both miserable. It's New York City. It's hot. I'm miserable outside, but like this is a great break during the day. I've been in Maine all summer except for when I came back to enjoy a certain party that you threw. We can talk about that. I don't know. Now I don't know if I can talk about it or not.

I just said don't put a picture. Jean Grey got married, guys. Yay! Yay! She is still married. I'm still married. She got married on August the 3rd or the 4th? The 5th.

The 5th. The 5th. I should remember that because I was there. You should remember it because you officiated the wedding. I officiated the wedding. I officiated the wedding. Yeah. Now, look, Jean, as I am a fake internet judge, a lot of people think it would be hilarious for me to officiate their wedding.

Right. And as I mentioned on the day of your wedding, because it was mostly about me. It was. I mean, in my sermon. I mean, it was two hours me it was i mean in my sermon i mean it was two hours of just of origin stories yeah anyway brookline massachusetts 1979 i'm waiting for empire strikes back to come out i'm playing with my 2xl no but people will say judge john hodgman would you officiate our wedding because we think it would be hilarious if you would do it and i always say your wedding is not a joke.

It's not a joke. And I don't want that responsibility. It's a real thing to marry a person. Yeah. Or two people, even. Yeah. I'll tell you what, everyone. Three, four.

If you're going to get married to yourself, I'll officiate that. If there's anyone out there. People are doing that. I'm sure they are. It's a very big deal, especially for women who are like, I'm just going to hold my own ceremony and marry myself. And I'm like, that's awesome's a very big deal, especially for women who are like, I'm just going to hold my own ceremony and marry myself. And I'm like, that's awesome. I would actually still do that.

Women out there who want to marry yourselves as a symbol of your self-empowerment, if you need a straight white dude to say it's okay and come and officiate, I'll do it. Can you do double officiant? What's that? Can you do like double? Two officiants to marry one? Yeah, because I would do it. Oh, yeah. Like you do it as a, we will marry you. you will marry if only if you're getting married to yourself

right and gender is not uh it's a construct so it doesn't matter doesn't sure you don't be a woman you don't have to be a man you don't have to be a non-binary whatever you are if you just you have to be a person you gotta okay yeah all right that's fair that's fair let's narrow a human being yeah um but anyway we'll come and do it because that's cool. $35,000. That's all I have to say about that. Yeah, right. Obviously.

We're two people. Sorry, single person. An hour. Yeah. We're each different people. You know. Right. Sorry.

But I never wanted the responsibility of marrying someone because A, it's heavy responsibility. It is. And B, it's a lot of work. Yeah. When everyone else gets to just hang around and eat hors d'oeuvres and chit chat and whatever but i could not say no to eugene and i'm so glad i didn't it was a wonderful wonderful ceremony it was amazing it was also so hot right we thought it was gonna rain right and um it ended up being the exact opposite of rain it was like we had the sun imported to sit on everyone's shoulders.

It was, yeah. And it was weird that you got all those heat lamps and had people hold them over, especially the older people in the audience. It was a bit much. Yeah. It was only the elderly under the heat lamps. But you did such an amazing job. Oh, that's great. People cried so hard.

I thought they were sweating from their eyes. It was that, too. It was hard. I didn't know whether it was tears or sweat at a certain point. And we were like, well, this is as bad as the summer is going to get. Yeah. We were wrong. We were wrong.

I'm back from Maine here in New York where you live. You're together at Argo Studios face to face. And it's nice and cool in here, but it's bad and hot outside. Yeah. And so it's just like, this is one of those days where, you know, Jesse Thorne is away. He's at podcast upfronts. Yeah. So, you know, my boss is gone.

So this is, we're going to clear a docket and we're just going to have a, it's going to be a classic friend around. We're having class outside, as it were, but we're having it inside where it's cool. I'm not going to fudge around. No, no fudging so with that said yes jean how are you i'm good good it's hot it's hot don't like it i don't like it at all it's new york p hot um what meaning what like my thing is that i say when you walk outside it feels like a mouth yeah Like you're walking into a mouth. But New York summer is like, it's not like nice summertime.

It's just like hot smells everywhere. I stepped outside with my son today in Brooklyn, New York. And he said, I don't like this at all because I don't know where my body ends. Oh. Like, I don't like that. That's such a good description. You feel totally permeated by this awful. You feel it's like you're walking in.

I was like, you say a hot mouth. I was like, I feel like I'm walking through a mist of flesh. It's gross. Welcome to the new podcast. It's based on the movie Heat. But all we do is talk about how hot it is for an hour and a half. We could probably host an incredible yeah two hour long meteorological podcast oh oh let's discuss that we can discuss that later though but i'm gonna put down a list

of other podcasts the weather podcast cash grabs uh gene and john read the weather but instead we don't have two hours we have uh i was just informed by super producer jennifer marmer that this podcast usually lasts about 50 to 55 minutes. We've got to move it along. I had no idea. Yeah. I don't listen to it. You don't even know.

Normally when we record it, each podcast, the recording takes two days. It's a really, yeah, no, the litigants have to be there. I'm pulling back the curtain. Is it like a slumber party? Well, it's more like a sleep deprivation torture test. Oh, that's nice. Do you do Airbnb? That's how we get so deep. You know what I mean sense yeah so we'll be in studio with the litigants

normally um and the studio of course is stainless steel and we're all nude and we'll be talking and getting to the bottom of it for like 19 hours what's the temperature in there because it varies dramatically. I feel like that changes the nude and the stainless steel. It goes between 50 and 109, a slow oscillation. How big is the room? It's not a room. It's more of a low hutch.

It's more of a low hutch in a decommissioned military cargo plane that is constantly circling the Earth. Is there any point where it spins like a centrifuge and the floor drops out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's definitely like how they filmed Apollo 13. It becomes a vomit comet pretty quick. Okay, cool. Yeah, we do a lot of anti-gravity stuff. Well, I'm glad we're here today instead. Yeah, no, this is a nice treat honestly because normally it's a

19 to 24 hour process. In the first 8 to 10 hours we tell them we're recording but we're not. And then we really, then we're ready to get into it. But this is just for us. And then we edit it down apparently to 50 to 55 minutes. That's a big job. But today it's just you and me and we can easily fill up two hours just talking about

this. But why don't we get into the justice portion of this justice podcast? Should I just jump right into it that's absolutely what you should do okay believe me when you jump here you will hit the ground because this is not unlike this entropy this is not an anti-gravity simulation all right who comes first before me seeking justice jean gray well here's something from jane an acquaintance recently invited me to a party in an effort to be helpful a few people reached out and asked if they could bring something. The host said that they will not be providing food or drink at this party, but they also did not specify anywhere that it was a potluck. They said offering the space and hosting was their contribution to the party, so it was on the guests to bring their own.

I asked the judge to order this person to stop hosting parties unless they are willing to provide for the guests. Merely inviting several people over to your home to enjoy your space with no food or drink cannot be defined as a party. Instead, it is some kind of sad, awkward, social hellscape. Well, Jane, I mean, what can I say? I can't order this person to stop hosting parties because, as you point out, they are not hosting parties. They are leaving their door unlocked. They're renting out a pop-up shop. Yeah, exactly. A pop-up venue. Yeah, but you have to bring your own furnishing.

I wonder if they have furniture there. I don't think so. Right? It's really just an empty event space. It's an event space. Jean, you know how to throw a dinner party. Yeah. A wedding party.

Yeah. All kinds of parties. Yeah. Obviously, Jane's acquaintance, I mean, it doesn't even bear discussion almost. This person is wrong. It's not right. Well, I have strong feelings about this. Please.

So this person is wrong. Even when people are like, should I bring anything? I'm always like, not really. Unless there's some sort of, I don't know, we're having like a long thing. And I'm like, I don't know, bring more wines. Like that's always nice. Right. But I think that they're terribly wrong for doing this.

But you can't tell anyone else what to do in their home. So I'm like, how about you just don't go? Oh, you're saying it's on Jane. It's on Jane. Jane should be like. Well, then I don't want to go're saying it's on jane it's on jane jane should be like well then i don't want to go to that i'm not going to go to that yeah right if you don't like what's on and turn it off like don't go but we agree that jane's acquaintance oh no it's terrible that's like it's dumb jane's acquaintance if you're within the sound of my voice yeah if you like jane and you're're inviting Jane over to your empty space for a classic awkward stand around, a classic awkward empty handed stand around, Jane doesn't want to go to that.

That's not gracious of you. What is the minimum that someone would have to offer to a guest in order for it to be a party? All the alcohol. Drinks. Yeah. Or non-alcoholic beverage. Or just whatever, beverages. It's a child's birthday party.

If it was a child's birthday party. No, you still have to have alcohol for the parents. Right, for the parents. I was just going to say, you have your- You got to have moonshine. Yeah. You got to have Everclear. Whoa.

You got to have Goldschlager. 24 bottles of Goldschlager for the parents. Are you saying these because those are required for a child's birthday party or it just falls under all the alcohol? Yeah, it's in there. That's just okay. Yeah. But one or the other. You got to provide one or the other.

Unless they live in a mansion. What if their place is just amazing? Right. And people just really like being there in that space. Sure. I remember when I moved to New York in the early 90s, we all lived in little tiny pods, if that. I shared an apartment with my friend Adam Sachs. And it sounds like a body snatching situation. You guys were in pods? Well, I mean to say very small enclosed spaces. Pods. That's right. So where's the real

John Hodgman? This is the first time we bring this up. Still in Adam Sachs' basement. Adam Sachs and I shared an apartment that was a basement apartment and it was a one bedroom insofar as it was a tall room

with a balcony and that balcony was the bedroom yeah and then and then like a mezzanine right exactly it wasn't a bedroom so much as a bed mez yeah yeah and so i had a bed in the living room he had a bed in the ostensible bedroom but it was a panopticon we could just see each other all the time and so to be in a apartment for example that had real rooms was an incredible novelty for which we would pay almost any price. Yeah. You know what I mean? Someone was having a party in like their cousin's uncle's like loft or whatever.

Yeah. I would go and I would not expect anything to be served there. But that was because we were in our 20s and we were stupid. That's a young thing. If you want to be a grown up and you invite people over, I don't care. You know what, Jean? I don't care how great Longo's space is here. I was trying to offer something up. There's no way I would ever host anything

at our apartment and not offer either food or beverages or both. That's not... As we know from Game of Thrones and the world of Westeros, you have to offer bread and salt, and once they accept it, then that is the pact that you're not going to kill them. Yeah. Unless it's the Red Wedding.

Spoiler alert. Yeah. So, yeah. You have to reassure your guests that you're not going to murder them by offering them bread and salt at the very least and maybe a rosé or whatever.

Maybe a rosé. Yeah. Maybe a nice cheese with the bread. A cheese, I think, I think you've got to have a cheese. And then a nice cheese with the cheese i think is necessary i think you've got to have and then once you're into the cheese you're like well now i need kind of a and now now i need a prosciutto and now i need you know what gene what a fig jam i'm actually doing for your uh appetizer boards these days um what do you put out well i'm i'm going to do one

for my friend tonight um but it also has to involve the fact that uh two of us are are keto so there are things that we we have to rule out but but explain to the people at home what what keto is so it's high fat low carb no sugar yeah right um so there's like a lot of dairy a lot of meats so cheeses and meats are great right um but know, learning that there's like carbs in everything. So there's certain kind of like I would normally put some sort of an almond or something on there. But we got to rule that out and go to like macadamia nuts now. Whoa, what? Yeah.

You can't even have an almond? I mean, you can have them. You just can't have as many almonds as I would have liked to eat. Right. And I'm going to miss out on like a jam, like a fig jam, unless I can find a good sugar-free substitute and I did not make a fig jam. So we're doing blackberries, prosciutto, some sort of other lovely cured meat and a range of cheeses and macadamias.

And for her, I need to get a good Asian pear. I really, you know, it's good, crunchy, sweet. Have you ever had a custard apple? A custard apple? No, but I'm really into, what is it, the pink lady apples? Oh, sure, right. Yeah. And a honey crisp is a really nice apple.

Honey crisps are nice. Lady Alice apples. Is that a real one now? That's a real apple. This is a very good apple. Don't laugh at my apple suggestion. Have you ever had a Queen Phoebe? Write down apples for another podcast.

Just an apples podcast where we just list fictional apples? Yeah. Do you ever have a Jonathan Goldsperr apple? They were available on Foodkick, but only for like a week. They come in season. They're only there for a week. You ever have a Gallo double thwap? No.

No, they're good. Yeah. Jesse Thorne, you know, is always talking up the custard apple. I think that is a fictional apple. Basically, he says it's an apple. The flesh is the texture of custard. I don't. Sounds gross. That's like a a fictional apple. Basically, he says it's an apple. The flesh is the texture of custard. I don't. Sounds gross.

That's like a flan apple. I don't want that. A flapple? Yeah, flapple. Yeah, it's disgusting. All right. So that's not on your book. Yeah.

Some nuts, some cheeses. Some nuts, some cheeses. Some charcuterie. It's about textures and bitterness and sweetness. Right. You know. Hors d'oeuvres is the best meal. It's very important. Oh and sweetness. Right. You know. Hors d'oeuvres is the best meal. It's very important.

Oh, I do a great, I miss this. I've learned how to make keto soft pretzels. I started doing that. How in the world? It's a long process. It's not really a lot. There's a lot of almond flour and there's a lot of mozzarella cheese involved. I don't know what to believe anymore.

I'll make some for you. Okay. And you could be like, this is trash. Or you will eat it. You know, all right. so also the hors d'oeuvres podcast yeah right yeah john and gene eat hors d'oeuvres um olives first course with gene and john yeah but i mean the point is yeah hey jane's acquaintance this is fun like hosting a thing is fun it is you think about like oh you know what's good? These olives. Oh, I had that thing.

Someone at another party put out this kind of charcuterie or whatever, this kind of salami or whatever. Get some cotton candy grapes. What are you doing? Yeah, it's fun to be generous. It really is. And being generous with an empty room that has no wine or cheese in it is not the same thing. It's not. So, yes, two orders then.

Yeah. Jane's acquaintance, stop doing what you're doing you're wrong jane boycott that empty room until this person gets it together petition this is the sound of a gavel on that one moving on good oh it's my coffee thanks ivan ivan and argo studios has just brought me my coffee and jennifer marmer i order you to keep this in. Jesse Thorne's away. It's hot outside. Going to drink some hot coffee. All the rules. I don't know how you're doing that.

All the rules are broken. It's a night court. Right? So it's crazy. Judge John Hodgman, Night Court. All kinds of crazy characters wandering through. Ivan Hargo Studios. We're having coffee. All the rules are broken.

It's just a little different this time. All right. What's happening with Tom? Tom from Brooklyn, Maine. Tom from Brooklyn, Maine. You're very familiar. Do you know Tom? I do know Tom. Okay. But I will not recuse myself. All right. All right. We'll get into it. All right.

This is Tom's issue here. I had some beautiful coffee mugs made displaying the logo for Cafe Schmetterling, which is my imaginary establishment based on a hilarious and extremely memorable joke, I'm sure. In Tom's opinion. I'm sure. I give these mugs to friends, such a good idea, whom I like, and they are coveted by all. In Tom's opinion. The other day, a woman who I like, but is not a friend to whom

I'd given a mug, asked what Cafe Schmetterling referred to. She bought one of the mugs at a recent moving sale run by a wedded pair of friends, who I am no longer certain I like. Beef! They had received the mug from my wife and me. I'm actually not surprised and somewhat amused by this.

So let me understand this. Tom makes these mugs that say Cafe Schmetterling. Based on a joke. Based on a joke. And he gives them out to people people. To people that he likes. And someone he knew to whom he had not given a mug comes in and goes, what's Cafe Schmetterling? I bought this at a yard sale. And he realized that somebody had given the mug to sold it.

Read on. I'm actually not surprised and somewhat amused by this. But others in our small town are offended on my behalf. Really, y'all? Really, y'all? Yeah. Including my wife, who's also friends with the couple that sold the mug. Yeah. Marion has a right to be upset with the creeps that sold Tom's mug.

Sure. Should I continue with this grievance? Should I celebrate their departure from our town and post centuries at the borders? Should I celebrate their departure from our town and post centuries at the borders? Or should I simply bring them the same mug as a host and hostess gift the next time they invite us to dinner? Can I just start by answering that last question? Of course you may. No. Yes.

Tom. What? They didn't want it. If I sell something and someone's like, oh, maybe it's like a sweater. And they're like, I haven't seen you wearing it. I'd be like, oh, I don't know what happened to it. And they're like, I'll just get you another one. I feel like, no. Well, let's say, for example, that I gave you a sweater.

Uh-huh. I don't like it. All right. Change it for a sweater. Let's make it some bad person. Okay. A bad person gives you a sweater. Uh-huh. And you're like, I don it for a sweater. Let's make it some bad person. Okay. A bad person gives you a sweater. Uh-huh.

And you're like, I don't like this sweater. And you immediately turn around and you donate to Goodwill or whatever. Right. And then that person sees someone walking around with the sweater. Yeah. And they're like, hey, I noticed that you gave my sweater away. Right. And you're like, yeah, it just didn't fit.

I'm sorry. I was too embarrassed to say anything. No, see, that's not what I would do. What would you do? I'd're like, yeah, it just didn't fit. I'm sorry. I was too embarrassed to say anything. No, see, that's not what I would do. What would you do? I'd be like, yeah, I hated it. Oh! I'm okay with confrontation. What?

Yeah, I'm with it. I'm like, yeah, that was like a terrible sweater. Did you not know that? I really want to take you to task for that, but I'm afraid to. Yeah, but I'm saying it's not a gracious thing to then go and gift the same thing again to the person who got rid of it it's revenge it's revenge tom wants to torture these people i think because i would have said tom good solution send them a case of i was about to say if he's gonna do that then he has to make a bunch of them yeah oh he's got trust me he's got a few

there i had a roommate yeah and i was in a situation, I was selling the apartment that I was in, but kind of like in between, because I was waiting on like, you know, for it to be sold. So I, in the meantime, got a place with a roommate. Yeah. And there was some cheese in the fridge, the second time we're talking about cheese.

It won't be the last. I had probably about two slices of cheese. And as a person who was like cleaning that apartment it was filthy i always stocked uh groceries bathroom items whatever right uh she complained about the cheese like went off on me about the cheese that you ate some of it that i ate some of it and she was like well who's gonna reply i'm like we live like above an organic just really yeah it wasn't even great cheese it it just you already said you ate two slices it was like it was a pre-sliced cheese it was like monterey jack so first off what are you talking about right

so i was like oh okay um i have a picture of. I'll send it to you. I stocked the fridge with about 11 pounds of cheese. And she came back, like she didn't reference it. And I was just like, how's it going? I was like, because I have to go out of town. I was like, do you want to do something where we host like a grilled cheese event? like what are you gonna do what are you gonna do with all that cheese so i i understand like but if you're gonna do that then yeah you're right go all out listening to cheese revenge with gene and john a new podcast spun off from the judge john hodgman podcast well i mean that's the thing is like first of all cheese can be both a tool of generosity and vengeance. I think 11 pounds of cheese is good. This is not a critique. Okay. The only yes and I would offer to that is, like, get enough cheese so that nothing else can fit in the refrigerator.

I wanted to. They didn't have any more. They didn't have enough cheese. They didn't have any they didn't have enough cheese they didn't have any more and then one of my next i was i really started looking for a vending machine because i was going to put all of her items in it and make her pay for all her stuff to get it back i was in a place don't two slices of cheese and now we're at war now it's war well i think we're gonna take a break here okay what are we saying to tom tom doesn't care marion his wife is upset what's the joke we'll hear that after we come back from the break that's called a tease

teases and cheeses with gene and john a new a new one-time only podcast. When we come back, we'll tell Tom what he should do and we'll hear the joke of Der Schmetterling. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who the members of MaximumFun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks.

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And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're Made In, Made In. The Rohan duck, made in, made in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Chop? You got it. Made in, made in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the

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And we're about to hear this joke, this schmetterling joke from Tom. That's correct. Yep. Let's go. A Spaniard, a Frenchman, and a German were arguing over whose language was most beautiful. Can you just pause it for a second? The Spaniard said. Yeah.

I just want to say that I always get really nervous when a joke starts like that. Of course. Okay. Yeah. Phew. Absolutely. All right. Tom likes to destabilize you. All right. The Spaniard said, take our word for butterfly.

There's no more beautiful word than mariposa. And the Frenchman said, au concierge, papillon is a far more beautiful word for butterfly. And the German says, was ist wrong mit Schmetterling? End of joke. Did you catch it? A Frenchman, a German, and a Spaniard are having an argument over who has the most

beautiful language. The Spanish guy says, our language is the most beautiful, because listen to our word for butterfly, mariposa. And the French person says, no, our language is the most beautiful, papillon. And the Spanish guy says, our language is most beautiful because listen to our word for butterfly, mariposa. And the French person says, no, our language is most beautiful, papillon. And the German says, what is wrong with the Schmetterling? Come on, Jean, come on. It's adorable. Of a comment about how language sounds.

It's. Than a hilarious. I just want to mention that this reads the logo for Cafe Schmetterling, which is my imaginary establishment based on a hilarious and extremely memorable joke. Yeah. memorable joke. Yeah. A joke? Tom is dedicated to these kinds of jokes. I see that now. He is the ultimate dad joker.

Yeah, yeah. That's good that you brought that up. I know him from the time I spend in Brooklyn, Maine. He's a professional person in the insurance field of some kind. A grown-up with a lovely wife and a grown daughter. And every Sunday morning he makes breakfast sandwiches at the general store. And from time to time I go in and make breakfast sandwiches with him. And I hear the jokes.

Yeah. Tom also has a sailboat. It's in the Harbor. It's more than the sailboat called. No, the sailboat it's written on the side it's called after you that way like you can say no i i get it hey tom i like it say hey tom i like your sailboat hey tom i like your sailboat oh thank you you know i named it after you yeah i feel like i've seen this boat because i've because i know i know i've heard the joke oh yeah

oh yeah when you were in brooklyn last summer because i remember that yeah now that is a memorable joke tom is also assistant chief of the volunteer fire okay department there no no listen i'm not saying that tom isn't a great guy and No, but weirdly, you're writing it down on a pad right now. I don't understand. And I'm drawing a picture, too. Look, we have to entertain ourselves as best we can up there. I get it, man. So he makes these cafe schmandling mugs.

He gave one to a friend. The friend promptly sold it at a yard sale. He wants justice by sending them one of these mugs again. But we think he should send a case of mugs to them. A case. And how many mugs are in a case? 24 mugs. You know what that's called, Tom?

A punchline. There's a sound of a gavel on that. I love you, Tom. Do we have something from Jason? We do have something from Jason, and I'm really glad that you brought up uh dad jokes because it's a great segue into this jason says i drive my son to and fro to and fro it doesn't say to and fro but i wanted to say that oh to and from his school every morning and afternoon we generally listen to news in the morning and music or the judge john hodgman podcast on the way home in the afternoon.

Inspired by something on the podcast or by the music, I will often tell spurious. Really? Spurious? Spurious. Can you look that up? Yeah, I'll look it up. Can you look that up? I'll keep going.

Spurious jokes or a suddenly burst out in song. My son rolls his eye, one eye, and asks me to please stop. Just stop. My son has requested that while you impose an injunction on dad jokes while driving to and from school while I maintain that these dad jokes are an important and even vital part of his education, please help in caps. So first of all, spurious means not being what it purports to be. Well, these are interesting dad jokes.

I wish they were an example. I want to know. Of a joke that purports to be memorable and generally accepted as hilarious but is not quite that. Yeah, and that his son is like maybe maybe he's like, please, please stop. Yeah.

Yeah. Dad jokes are a hard thing. Yeah. Because a true dad joke, the dad doesn't know that it's a dad joke. No. They're not aware. You know my famous story. Yes.

I do. When I went into the coffee shop and the young woman was wearing overalls. That's how I died? Yeah. Yeah, I know it. And I said, you deserve. I know I've said it on the podcast before, but maybe we have some new listeners. It happens.

By accident. I said, you deserve an award in the category of overall excellence. That's good. And she said, nice dad joke. And I don't think I've been the same since. I didn't die exactly but i don't think like i hear my jokes now and i'm like oh that's terrible yeah that's awful i have a husband oh we really like thanks to me yeah thank you so much um pleasure who is

a young old man yeah and. And really loves dad jokes and puns. And I'm like, I don't know how this happened. Is there one that comes to mind? No, because it's just an ongoing onslaught of dad jokes.

He's not a dad. I don't know why. Can we get Quelly on the phone? We could try. Yeah. I want to tell him this Schmetter Quelle on the phone? We could try. Yeah. I want to tell him this Schmetterling joke and see what he thinks. Okay. Yeah.

And he'll buy joke books from like dollar stores. Yeah. And he's like, these are hilarious. I'm like, what is wrong? Like, I feel like your sense of humor is so great. And he's very like quick and witty with puns. So I've learned to have an appreciation for them but like i think that that overall joke is a great joke hello hey quele

it's john hodgman who is john hodgman uh i'm the host of a fairly popular podcast called the judge john hodgman podcast i'm here with gene gray Gray. Oh, wow. Hey, how you guys doing? Good. How are you? I'm perfect. Listen, we were just talking about dad jokes here, and Gene was saying that you like them, and I do too, and I wanted to tell you a joke, and I want you to tell me what you think of it.

I'm almost 100% going to love it, but go ahead and give it to him. All right. So, don't get nervous that it starts this way. A German and a Spanish person and a French person

are hanging around, and they get into an argument over who has the more beautiful language. And the Spanish person says, well, you know, we have the most beautiful language. Just consider our word for butterfly, it's mariposa. And the French person said, well, you know, we have the most beautiful language. Just consider our word for butterfly. It's mariposa. And the French person said, well, that's a beautiful word.

But au contraire, we have the most beautiful language. Our word for butterfly is papillon. And it does not get more beautiful than that. And then the German person goes, I don't understand. What is wrong with the Schmetterling? Jesus. Yeah, it was a great show. Thanks, Quilly.

Goodbye. All right, bye-bye. No, no, wait, Quilly, since we have you on the podcast. A, how have you been? And B, what do you have coming up in late September, early October that you might want to tell our listeners about? I've been fancy. Should be another performance within the New York City limits

with me and my band Awesome Notice Space and a new animated video for an artist named Nick Davia that should be hitting the streets. And where can we keep up with all the news? The Quelle Chris News. On the Googles and the social medias. Alright.

That was a good joke. It's one that doesn't hold as much power without delivery. Yeah. So it does take a certain amount of, like, special dad powers. You know what I mean? Not an average dad can do that joke.

It does take someone with a little bit of time. Well, I do appreciate that because this is, I think, the ninth time I've tried to get Gene to laugh at the joke. It's not working. I've refined it, I think, as good as I'm going to be able to tell it. It's a professional day. All right, Chris, thank you very much for answering the phone.

All right, take care, strangers. I love you, bye. I also love you, bye. I love you. Okay. Nice guy that you married. Because you really liked the joke? Well, I liked him before then anyway. you know he's amazing but i also want to say that your delivery of that joke was very different than the way tom yeah but you know i laughed at it when i was in the kitchen making breakfast sandwiches with tom i laughed at it how hard did he hit the

dare schmetterling do the? Because you got to really... I think, you know what? I think, you know, he was reading it into his voice memos today at my request. I'm going to say that was not the best delivery I've heard from Tom. If you were in the room. Because Tom has a sort of sleepy confidence that plays better in the room. So, you know what? That's a good Tinder bio.

You're listening to Good B with june and john that's a great one oh my god i have a sleepy confidence when i'm in the room yeah also you and uh well i have your album everything's fine still available out there yeah you can buy it incredible incredible album that i would say even if i didn't have a small little cameo on it. Yeah. Yeah. And on the next album, I hope you will remix my rendition of Der Schmetterling Joke. It's the whole album. Good.

What were you going to tell this dad whose son wants an injunction against dad jokes? Is that fair? No, it's not fair. You can't stop dad jokes. It's part of being a dad. And it's part of being a kid to have to listen to dad jokes and then formulate your own in the future. It is part of your vital education. I will say that a woman that I knew in high school, Valerie, was being picked up from work at the movie theater where we both worked.

And she said to her dad, who was picking her up, hang on a second, Dad, I got to go across the street to the bookstore and get a book. He said, why? You already have one. Oh! And I still think of that joke. That's good. And I heard that in my teen formative years.

Mm-hmm. And it was definitely corny, but very off the cuff. Yeah. And I've never stopped thinking about it. You got to be quick. Jason's son, you know you know just because i on this podcast have prohibited certain dads from making certain dad jokes it is not because the jokes themselves are corny i.e i'll have the kung pao chicken it's because that dad was asking for the

kung pao chicken in any retail circumstance including toll booths. That's funny. Yeah, but when he was doing it at non-Chinese restaurants, he was just confusing the servers. Oh, yeah, don't do that at a restaurant. Yeah, yeah. Then they had to laugh. The only captive audiences that dad jokes can take advantage of are children in the car. Yeah. That is your job as a child to endure that.

I find in favor of Jason. Sorry, Jason's son. That is your job as a child to endure that. I find in favor of Jason. Sorry, Jason's son. That's the sound of a gavel. Well, we are still clearing the docket. There's still some clearing to do. We're going to move on to something that has nothing to do with spurious jokes or dad jokes or jokes. Hannah says, eight years ago, I was gifted a cat by a now ex-boyfriend.

At the time, I was reading The Count of Monte Cristo. It's one of my favorites. So I named her Mercedes. Wow. You know what? Spanish really is the most beautiful language. Mercedes. Mercedes.

From the time my husband Nick met her five years ago, he refuses to call her by her real name. He refers to her as Professor Catface Miamers, which was based off of a spoof of Harry Potter called Wizard People, Dear Reader. When people come to our home and ask our cat's name, I always tell them it is Mirthedith. But Nick always tells everyone her name is The Face, which is a nickname from an already fake name i think he should tell people her real name but he doesn't like the real name because it reminds him of the fact that i had another boyfriend before him if gandalf okay there's a lot of levels that i need to unpack here first of all uh kind of monte cristo is that your is that a favorite tale of yours let me tell you why and this actually goes back to the cheese.

Okay. You're listening to Bring It Back Around, a podcast of only callbacks. Not so much a call-in show, but a callback show. Callback show. The Count of Monte Cristo taught me about being patient about revenge. Uh-huh and it really uh in my 20s which is some of my best revenges um let me know that it's cool to wait it out it's going to be so much better vengeance can wait like you know i'm good at vengeance can wait a new podcast vengeance can

wait yeah and mercedes of course is mercedes which is a character from Count of Monte Cristo. We're also buzz marketing some weird 14-year-old spoof of Harry Potter called Wizard People, Dear Readers, whatever that is. I hope it's great. Professor Catface Meowmers. That's kind of a dad joke there. I dig it. You like that? I dig it.

Which is a better name for a cat? Professor Catface Meowmers. That's a kind of a dad joke there. I dig it. You like that? I dig it. Which is a better name for a cat? Professor Catface Meowmers or Mercedith? Professor Catface Meowmers, but I like that he has shortened it now to The Face. The Face. Which is an amazing name. Professor Face. Professor Face. Would be good, too. The Face is a good, like, villain name.

It is a very good name for a cat. But does he have the right to ignore the name that the cat already has? I think there's a lot of things going on here. Right. I think this is mostly relationships and past and knowing like when to let go and what you need to accept. Like that people had lives before you guys were in a relationship. Oh, claro que si. And maybe that needs to be discussed before the cat's name isn't the issue.

I mean, you know, normally we hunt around here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast for like the crux of the dispute, the underlying emotional element. But it seems to me Hannah already knows it. She says he doesn't like the name because it reminds him of the fact that she had another boyfriend before him yeah and that makes the face kind of an act of aggro that i do not like presuming that she's correct yeah and i i bet she is i find that to be a little bit aggro and insecure and unattractive yeah it's just the name of the cat it's okay my our cat's whole name, which Kweli refuses to use, is Brian K. Littles Esquire III. And he refuses to call him Brian. I only call him Brian when I want to annoy Kweli. But his name is Littles. Right. What does the K stand for?

Keith. littles right um and he's like i don't what does the k stand for keith brian keith littles esquire the third but who had brian keith littles esquire the third you adopted him together right yes right okay yes and he immediately was littles and then i was like this is his longer name his longer form name but we'll never use it. And because he doesn't like calling him Brian. I'm like, he's like, yeah, just it's a weird, like very human name. Right. And I don't feel like yelling at like another dude in the house. Right. It just feels weird. Yeah. Brian. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, okay, I get it. I think that this dude should not be renaming the pet in any case, because the cat has a name and that name was given to it by Hannah's ex-boyfriend or her or him. But just the fact that it was given by-

I mean, the cat already has a name. The cat has a name. Just you giving it a name doesn't erase the relationships of her past. Yeah. Humans have pasts and that's fine. It's okay. You don't need to be nervous about that. She's with you. That's right.

She's with you. Like, things move on. That's right. And, you know. When you say Mercedes, it reminded me that I recently drove from Maine through Massachusetts,

Western Massachusetts. To Barcelona. To Barcelona. There is a great town name in central Western Massachusetts, which is, it is spelled A-T-H-O-L. That's right. Athol, Massachusetts. Actually, I'm from Athol, Massachusetts.

Wow. It's not Athol? No, Athol. And guess what the neighboring town is? No. Belcher Town. Good going. It's still not the weirdest name of a town in Massachusetts.

The weirdest name of a town in Massachusetts, aside from Braintree, which is gross. That's not okay. Bill Ricka. Is it named after the famous comedian? There's no William Ricka, Bill Ricka. Bill Ricka? By the way, a stand-up stand-up, that's Bill Ricka for you. That guy doesn't even need material.

No. No, it's B-I-L-L-E-R-I-C-A. Bill Ricka, that's the name. Is that a subsortive? Probably a native weed. Okay. Bill Ricka plant. Bill Ricka.

It also sounds like a character on True Blood. Yeah, that is. Here's my ruling in any case. Hannah, you're right. Nick is wrong. Maybe break up with him. I'm going to look up Bill Ricka while we take a break. Jean, send us out.

Let's take a quick break. When we come back, we've got more Docket to Clear. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many

more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. S-T-I-R. Hmm. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will.

Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. This week, we are clearing the docket.

And I'm going to start with something from Dan. Are you ready? Yes, I am ready. Dan says, my wife refuses to close the door when she uses the bathroom. We have two bathrooms with one on each floor of our home. The style of our home includes large windows, and I feel anyone could easily see her from the street when she uses our first floor bathroom. To be specific, we live in a little city in rural Illinois called Quincy. I'm an associate pastor

and my wife is a doctor. I worry her flagrant disregard for her privacy will undermine our professional lives, especially given the close-knit nature of our town. Also, I think it's gross that she does the nasties with the door open. I would like an injunction that she close the door and keep private her grody time because no one wants to see that. Agreed. Yeah. Close the door when you're using the bathroom. Close the door and keep private her throaty time because no one wants to see that. Agreed. Yeah. Close the door when you're using the bathroom. Close the door. All right. Here, listen.

Billerica is named after a town in Essex, England called Billerica. And the best guess is for the origin of the name that Billerica either comes from the corruption of Villa Erica of a Romano-British origin. So like Villa Erica. Villa Erica. The house of Erica. Villa Erica. Yeah. Of a Romano-British origin. Okay. So like Villa Erica. Villa Erica. The house of Erica. Villa Erica.

Or Bella Rica, a medieval Latin word meaning die house or tan house. Or Biller's traditional name for watercress. Told you it was a weed. It's watercress. Watercress for sure. Here's something from Bryce. He loves watercress. He asks, what is Hodgman's Hogwarts house?

I think Ravenclaw, but my friend says none because Harry Potter is not real. Wow. Wow. Well, I'm not a Harry Potter so much as I am a Wizard People Dear Readers guy, whatever that is. All right, so here are the four houses. Ravenclaw. Gryffindor. Honeycrisp. Fructis.

And Swantop. You ever have a Slytherin apple? Yeah. Those are some sweet green apples. I'm not Slytherin because I'm not emo enough. I'm not Gryffindor because i don't have self-confidence and belief that everything's going to work out okay for me no matter what yeah not hufflepuff because i don't want to be a hufflepuff that come that was one name you know i love those books i love that mythology that was one where I kind of feel like she could have taken another pass at that name.

Yeah. It's a little silly. A little goofy. I love you, J.K. Rowling. Thanks for following me on Twitter. It's true. Does she? She does, yeah.

You don't follow me on Twitter. That's not true. And I love her. Oh, you're talking to her. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She should follow Jean Grey.

Yeah. And take another stab at Hufflepuff. I think it's just great. Oh, okay. I would say Ravenclaw. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You should follow Jean Grey. Yeah. And take another stab at Hufflepuff. I think it's just great. Oh, okay. I would say Ravenclaw. Sure. I'm Ravenclaw. Because like a raven.

Oh, boy. Like a raven, I'm smart. I know how to use tools like ravens do. Corvids know how to use. They'll make a tool out of a piece of wire to pull something out of something that they need. Pardon? Yeah. Okay, we'll get to that.

Yeah. And like, you know, ravens and crows and rooks and so on. They recognize human faces. They recognize faces. They have funerals. Yeah. And they hold grudges. They do.

Speaking of revenge. They do. Think about waiting it. You know what I hear? When they find a human they don't like, not only will they attack that human, they'll train their children to attack that human. Generational grudges. I feel like I would also be Ravenclaw then.

That's right. Okay. Is that it? Did we do it? We did it. We cleared the docket. We cleared the docket. The docket is clear.

And I think that's it. That's it. And we talked about cheese. We debuted a whole bunch of new podcasts. Yeah. You're going to be with me on a regular litigant podcast coming right up. On a reg ep. In a future episode.

But for now, let me just say how much fun it is to hang around with you, as always. I had so much fun. So that's going to be it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. The show was recorded by Ivan Kuryov. Great name. At Argo Studios in New York City, our producer is Jennifer Marmer. Follow us on Twitter at Gene Creasy and at John Hodgman. We are at Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO, and check out the Maximum Fun subreddit to discuss this episode. Only upvotes.

Submit your cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO or email Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Please don't sue us, Night Court. Please. MaximumFun. Please.