Judge John Hodgman - Clearing the Docket

Episode Date: October 29, 2014

Bailiff Jesse and Judge John Hodgman return to chambers to clear out the docket. WHERE CAN I SEE JUDGE HODGMAN IN REAL LIFE? Great question! Judge Hodgman is out on the road right now, touring the Midwest and Northeast United States! Chicago! Milwaukee! Akron! Hartford! and more. Find a tourdate in your area here! 

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Judge Hodgman, time for another In Chambers episode of the program. We'll be reading some listener submissions to make snap judgments and having some probably kind of pedantic notes. Just you and me. In Chambers. I'm excited about this. This is my new favorite type of episode of Judge John Hodgman I think that's mostly because I get to talk a lot more Yeah I love the sound of my voice It's beautiful, mellifluous Shut your pie hole It's my turn to shine

Glenn writes Over the past three years My longtime friend Adam has become heavily involved In the cat world That's in quotes I don't know what that means. It's an alternate universe that's just below the sewers. And is much more popular than anything any human will ever make on the internet.

He began taking pictures of the many cats, mostly feral, in our Oakland neighborhood and posting them to Facebook, which then turned into a photo feature for a friend's quote unquote magazine. I don't know why magazine is in quotes. Why wasn't it a catalog? Okay, well, I'm giving up now. Goodbye. Prepare the euthanasia center in Soylent Green World for me because I have committed the

worst possible sin. I've made a cat pun. John, why are you quitting the business? You could be starting a Tumblr and signing a book deal in the next 10 minutes. Cat-o-log. Yeah, I know. I understand. But unlike this guy, I'm not going for low-hanging fruit or, I guess, wandering feral cats.

The two easiest things to make internet and, I guess, fruit cake out of? I don't know. Move on. Too tortured a metaphor. Go on. things to make internet and i guess fruit cake out of i don't know move on to torture to metaphor go on uh it says and also an annual calendar oh okay in the process to be fair john we have issued an annual calendar of cats and specifically cat representations of us so i guess we can't really make fun of that one yeah i until recently was a cat owner of a wonderful and annoying cat named petey whom i rescued from the streets of new york city and kept safe and alive for best estimates are 18 to 19 years depending on when he was born

until finally he passed away very recently by which i mean i took him to a place to have him poisoned and then i paid money for it but it was a long and i can't say happy life for pd because all he would do is yell all the time i've never heard a cat meow in such a way that sounds like yelling as much as Petey, but he was a good friend. He was with me for a long time and I don't think he suffered at the end. So goodbye, Petey. Now let's hear about this guy from Oakland some more. In the process, my friend has officially been dubbed the Catman of West Oakland by the local weekly newspaper and even received a mayor's proclamation.

Now he's in the process of opening a cat cafe slash adoption center here. All right. Let me stop you there, Jesse. I'm not an expert on the Bay Area. Right. But can we say that this is further evidence that Oakland is no longer the rough and tumbled crime riddled place that it has a history and reputation for being. And at least certain portions of it are now full of white people have too much time on their hands, just like the rest of the Bay Area. I think it's fair to say that this is some white people, S.H.

OK, moving on. A cat cafe. Okay. In the parlance of Merlin Mann, let's put a pin in that and come back to that in a moment. I don't particularly love cats, but I've encouraged his effort to open the cat cafe, and he's raised quite a bit of money toward it. However, as part of his transformation into the Catman of West Oakland, Adam has started to do something in photos that I can only describe as cat pose. His hands in front of his chest and curled over as if they were paws. Oh, my God.

I want to be clear, just so no one gets the wrong idea, that I also like cats. I think cats are lovely creatures. Yeah. I'm just saying that in preparation for anything I might accidentally say later on. Are you going to be able to continue to read through your tears or do you want to shut your pie hole and let me take over?

No, I got it. I got it. I got it. Okay. I'd like to place an injunction upon Adam preventing him from doing the cat pose in any future photography. I know Adam's dedicated to helping feral cats. I just think there's no reason for him to have to pose like that. He's in his late 20s, semi-adult, and I think the pose panders to the expectations of his cat man persona. Please help me force my friend

to find the balance between his cat man lifestyle and adulthood. First of all, where have we come in our culture that Glenn may write of Adam saying he's in his late twenties, semi-adult. No, you're grown up. You're grown up. If you're 27, 28, or 29, how dare you say you are a semi-adult? There are children working in farms. In some countries, children are attorneys by age 15 you are a grown-up you're a grown-up you both are any choices you make after you're 18 years old are adult choices including to pose as a cat now setting that aside jesse what is a cat cafe? I mean, there's no clarification here. I mean, I guess it must be a cafe that serves drinks.

Sure. Maybe a coffee drink. And then also is full of cats? Oh, here's OaklandLocal.com. I found an article about it. I don't want you to read the article about this guy. I just want to know what a cat cafe is. Okay.

Wikipedia says a cat cafe is a theme cafe. Cause here's the thing. I have a feeling that this whole letter is designed to get us to read the article about the guy and then talk about his ventures. I feel like this is using cats in a new way on the internet to not merely entertain and amuse, but also to buzz market on my podcast. So I'm going to go to Wikipedia, which is a nonprofit source of dubious information that needs your support. Go and donate. A cat cafe is a themed cafe whose attraction is cats that can be watched and played with. Gross.

whose attraction is cats that can be watched and played with. Gross. Patrons pay a cover fee, generally hourly, and thus cat cafes can be seen as a form of supervised indoor pet rental. So it's a cat brothel. It's a cat house. That's what it is. It's a cat house. I hope they do background checks.

All right. So what does the guy want? He wants me to deny him. Well, he doesn't want you to deny him the right to use the $40,000 he's raised to open this cat cafe. You're doing it. It's like they're the toxoplasmosis getting into your cat brain and changing your behavior. You're talking about his venture. Jesse, I looked at the article. I've seen it. I know what this guy's doing. He's a musician. to your cat brain and changing your behavior. You're talking about his venture.

Jesse, I looked at the article. I've seen it. I know what this guy's doing. He's a musician who got sidetracked by taking pictures of feral cats in Oakland, got a lot of play on the internet, and now is basing his whole life around these cats. And he's raising money to start a cat cafe. And I presume this cat cafe will not be

a mere cat house but it will allow people to adopt the cats is that what's going on i don't know yeah the idea is that if you have a place where you can uh where you can meet the cats that's not in the shelter environment well they're going to be extra uncomfortable but rather in an environment they're going to be more comfortable which is to say a coffee shop. The point of it is, without buzz marketing this gentleman further, and I don't mind giving him a little, you look up Catman of West Oakland, you're going to find this guy.

If you'd like to give money to his cafe, you can. I can't control you there. I'm not like a toxoplasmosis parasite infecting the brain of a rat and causing it to no longer fear the smell of cat urine so that it'll get eaten by a cat so that it can live in its second host, the cat. That's what toxoplasmosis does,

craziest microbe on earth. All I'm saying is this guy is a guy, a 28, 27, 29-year-old adult who figured out that people in the world like cat pictures more than whatever his dumb music is. And that's okay because he loves cats and he has an affinity for them. And I think he probably has toxoplasmosis

and the cats are controlling him. But looking him up on the internet, Glenn, what I did not see any evidence of whatsoever was this so-called cat pose. All I wanted was to see a picture of this guy making his little paws out of his hands in a way that makes you so mad. So you claim, but I didn't see it anywhere.

So maybe you're making more of it than you mean to. Maybe you have different parasites in your head that make you see cat poses where there are none, but let's say you're not lying. Let's say that this young man is doing this all the time. And I just wasn't able to find the pictures of it. The reality is this young man's given his life over to cats and the parasites that are controlling their brain and his brain. He's making it a part of his life and his creative art, and I see no reason to interfere with his efforts to amp up his brand with a cat

pose if he wants to do that. He's the cat man of West Oakland and he's just playing to his strengths and it's his body and you should shut up, Glenn, because I think you're just jealous because you're probably some other 35 year old semi adult and he's getting press and you're not. Maybe you need to go out and find your own animal to take care of. Maybe you should go and find some feral snakes in Oaklandland start a snake cafe oh no you know what start a snake hookah lounge that's what you should do that way people are like is this a snake or is this not a snake because what people love about snakes mostly is the guesswork oh man You know what I think I'm going to start? No. A place with, like, micro-brews and gators. Oh, yeah.

A gator brew pit? Because you know how sometimes people, like, get a pet, like a little gator, and then it gets too big and they have to bring it to the pound? Yes. Well, I want those. I don't want people seeing the gators in the pound and thinking that's just what they're like i want them to be in a more comfortable natural environment so they can get adopted like a micro like a like a a bar that that has 50 micro brews on tap and some pretty

interesting appetizers yeah well i've been getting really into home brewing lately you know so i think i've really developed my beer palate. I like darker beers. Get Sam Potts on the phone. Get him to start sketching out the new t-shirt. Shirtless Jesse's, microbrews and gator rasslin'. Shirtless Jesse's, microbrews and artisanal gator rasslin'. Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

I want logos and signage by 5 p.m. Here's a question from Nick. Artisanal Gator Wrestling, Fort Lauderdale, Florida. I want logos and signage by 5 p.m. Here's a question from Nick. He writes, Dear Judge, what is a salad? My girlfriend and I are in a détente over this idea. At least they've reached détente. Not an active conflict. It's not a shooting war. It's simmering on the back burner.

I recently learned that according to the Oxford Encyclopedia of Underwater Life, that most legendary and definitive of tomes, there's no such thing as a fish. No matter what characteristics of fish you define, the exceptions you need to include common fish like seahorses, rays, and lungfish make for a pretty weak net. Was that an aquatic-themed joke? Yeah.

Net? Pretty weak net? Yeah. I get it. Fisherman jokes. Moving on. I think the same is true of salads, but my girlfriend disagrees. Salads can have veggies, fruit, meat, grains, dairy, any kind of food. Can we stop saying veggies? That really feels like a fifth grade 1979 effort to get people to eat these weird things and make them more appealing.

But we know what they are, right? Vegetables. I don't like cutesy names. No one says veggies anymore. Stop it. Okay, moving on. They can be creamy or crisp, hot or cold. Gross. My girlfriend

argues that all salads are broken down into bite-sized pieces, but I say jello salads, big pieces of decorative lettuce, and chunky ingredients like tomato wheels and chicken strips disprove that. She also argues that I'm a pedantic jerk. So, Judge, it's weird

that the boyfriend who writes in to us with a case about his girlfriend would be considered to be a pedantic jerk by anyone. So, Judge, as the arbiter of sandwichness, is there such a thing as a salad? I love how uncensored we get when we're in chambers and these people aren't here to defend themselves. Yeah, I'm just going to say jerk.

Next question. No, I'm not just going to say jerk. I'm going to say a bunch of other words, too, that amount to the same thing. I don't believe in the Oxford Encyclopedia of Underwater Life. I mean, I'm sure it exists.

Like a fish does. I believe in Merriam-Webster, home of Judge John Hodgman's own lexicologist, Emily Brewster, which, surprisingly, believes that there is such a thing as fish.

They define fish as an aquatic animal. Boom. No problem. Covers a lot of stuff. Maybe too broad. Well, technically. The first definition is, quote, a cold-blooded animal that lives in water, breath too broad. Well, technically the first definition is quote,

a cold blooded animal that lives in water, breathes with gills and usually has fins and scales unquote. And now you Nick jump in with all the exceptions to the rule, lung fish and what, you know, walking fish and that fish that looks just like a man who works next to you or whatever it is. Seaman from the video game.

Seaman. Yeah, exactly. But the second definition is an aquatic animal. And it goes on to say, or whatever it is. Seaman from the video game Seaman. Yeah, exactly. But the second definition is an aquatic animal. And it goes on to say, usually in combination like starfish or cuttlefish. That's how they get the exceptions. But just because language is imprecise

doesn't mean that a thing doesn't exist. I don't think the Oxford Encyclopedia of Underwater Life truly says there's no such thing as fish. Because the Oxford Encyclopedia of Underwater Life is not out there trying to blow people's minds with its late night thoughts at the bar. It's trying to explain stuff. These are big, sort of gross, necessarily imprecise definitions. These genres of all kinds get blurry at the edges. That's what makes the hot dog question so compelling. So what Nick is referring to here is a short thing I did in the late and

perhaps lamented Judge John Hodgman column, Nutta, that used to be in the New York Times magazine, in which some guys were fighting over whether a hot dog was a sandwich. And I said, no, I know in my soul, on a gut level, that a hot dog is not a sandwich. And the question became, how do I prove logically that it isn't? Ultimately, you're asked to prove a negative. It's very difficult. Why isn't a hot dog a sandwich? Because you would never cut it in half.

All sandwiches, you can cut them in half and share them. Save half for later. If you cut a hot dog in half, it's because some child is yelling at you or you're under some other weird duress. But no natural human would cut a hot dog in half and enjoy it that way. It is a unity unto itself. A lot of people had problems with this, especially people who listen to public radio. I got to hear from all of them. problems with this especially people who listen to public radio i got to hear from all of them guy who runs a podcast called the sporkful called me out by name on the internet and then on his

podcast kept saying i was wrong i was wrong i was wrong finally i had to call into leonard lopate and defend myself and you can go listen to it because he was on the leonard lopate show here in wmyc here in new york city just talking about how wrong I was. That Dan Pashman, he's a loose cannon. Yeah. And you know what? That's right. Dan Pashman. Good guy.

Interesting podcast. A tautological thinker. Because he tried to use the same definition all the people who wrote in to me used. It was like, it's obviously a sandwich because it consists of a thing sandwiched between two pieces of bread. Yeah. We get the word from the thing, circular thinkers. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yeah. So salad, right. Yeah, there are a lot of different things that are salads, right? A lot of different things that are salads. It is not anything that is broken down into a bite-sized piece because then if you

cut up a steak for your child so he doesn't choke, that doesn't make it a steak salad. A steak salad is what? You know it in your heart. You know what it is. It's pieces of steak that are cold that are put on top of pieces of lettuce and then dressed lightly. They're good. Salad can be raw fruits, raw vegetables, right?

You can also have a salad that is is tuna fish with mayonnaise or chicken with mayonnaise and egg with mayonnaise and if you live in my house mayonnaise with mayonnaise oh mayonnaise salad sandwich sandwich yeah let me tell you something jesse two pieces of white bread mayonnaise salt and pepper. And you have just invented the best thing to eat at three o'clock in the morning while drunk in the history of suburban Massachusetts. Well, Brooklyn, New York,

sir. I never drank when I lived in suburban Massachusetts. I was a good boy. Waited until I was of age to drink in England. All right. What is the thing that's in common of all these things? What is the thing that defines a salad the same way not cutting in halfness defines a sandwich? Salad's cold, everybody. Cold. Served cold. Cold, cold, cold. Like revenge. But unlike revenge, not merely served cold, exclusively served cold. Somewhere in here, this guy Nick is saying you can have a hot salad two things no you can't two don't look it up on the internet because

when you get to urban dictionary you're going to get grossed out no such thing as a hot salad if you take tuna salad and you put it into a sandwich and toast it with cheese that's a tuna melt sandwich you can cut it in half but you would never call that a salad, would you? So bring it on. Bring on all your hot salad suggestions, everybody. That's not what a salad is. It is a cold accompaniment and occasionally a main course meal, usually composed of pieces of raw vegetables and maybe fruits.

Mayonnaise is optional. Crumbled blue cheese, if you're smart. Move on. Here's a question from Evan. I had my bike light stolen recently and borrowed my girlfriend's bike light to ride a short distance. The light must have fallen off somewhere on my journey. I couldn't find it. When I got home, I told her of the loss.

She said she'd only recently purchased the light. Could this guy sound more like a liar? It must have fallen off somewhere. I don't know. Who knows? With lights, it's impossible to find a light at night.

If you were going to try and find it, you would have to light up or blink or something. You know how when you attach try and find it, you would have to light up or blink or something. You know how when you attach a light to it, you know how all lights want to escape humankind? They're like the hamsters of the hardware world. One time I came back, I found my desk

lamp in the hallway next to my apartment. It was making a run for it. Alright, go on. When I got home, I told her about the loss. She said she'd only recently purchased the light and that it cost her $45 parentheses exclamation mark close parentheses. I think this is an unreasonable amount to pay for something that's routinely stolen in the city. I'm willing to try and find the same light or a comparable one to replace it, but she feels it must cost the same amount that she paid or she loses out. Is it unfair for me to try to save some money and keep my girlfriend safe after making a mistake?

I love how you try to put it in the context of keeping your girlfriend safe. You took her light, creep. And you also did not admit to a mistake. You claimed that it must have fallen off or something. It must have fallen off. Look, you claim you're in a city, like you're not going down dark, bumpy roads full of owls stealing lights off bikes. Why did you say it was stolen? How was it even attached? How could it fall? So many holes in the story. But I'm not here to judge your mendacity or even your cheapitude.

It is not for you to judge what is reasonable to spend on a bike light. That is your girlfriend's choice and I use that word advisedly because I don't believe it will apply for much longer if she's wise. This is the openness of chamber. This is where it really all comes out, Jesse. I just told

this girl to break up with him. It's not for you to choose how much a bike light should cost. Your girlfriend chose to buy one that cost $45 and you took her property and in your care, it's somehow nobody's fault went away. You got to replace it. Now, if your girlfriend is saying that you have to replace it at the same cost, that's not necessarily true, but you do have to replace the same model of light. You have to go and find the model number or ask your girlfriend to describe the one that she got or take you to the place where she got it. And you can take the model number down from that store if you believe

that $45 is not a fair price for that light and go online and see if you can find a better deal. That's fine. As long as you're replacing the exact thing that you lost. And please take responsibility for your actions and stop trying to make it sound like you're trying to keep your girlfriend safe when you're stealing her stuff. Okay. Here's a bit of pedantry from a... Oh, and girlfriend, break up with him. And then get back together

after he's changed his ways. Here's a bit of pedantry from a real neurologist at Harvard. Andy writes, in episode 166, My Legal Pony, you asked one of the litigants if her pony had, quote, nipped her amygdala, unquote. You implied that this would cause her to have memory problems, rendering her unable to recall the bad behavior of Burger, the worst pony. By the way, worst pony, best pony name, Burger. I'd like to point out that you likely meant to say hippocampus rather than amygdala. The hippocampus is the seahorse-shaped region of the brain that forms memory.

The amygdala, on the other hand, is the almond-shaped nucleus involved in the fear response, which would probably be activated when one is surrounded by 11 ill-behaved Shetland ponies. Saying ill-behaved was redundant. Interestingly, activation of the amygdala does positively impact memory formation, which is why we tend to remember very scary experiences. So you weren't too far off. Yours truly, Andy Martin, Harvard Neurology Program at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center, Boston, Massachusetts.

at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center, Boston, Massachusetts. Beth Israel, of course, the hospital where my mom was a RN, nurse administrator for her entire career. Great place. I went there for, what did I go there for? Some meaningless ache or pain, and they took good care of me, and I was not dying, it turned out. Sorry, what? Oh, right. Yes, you're absolutely right, Andy. I me and I was not dying. It turned out. Um, sorry. What? Oh, right.

Yes, you're absolutely right. Andy. I apologize. I made a mistake. Um, when I said amygdala, that was my fancy pants stand in for any part of the brain. Cause I don't know my brain, uh, anatomy. Surely not as well as you do, Andy. And so I just took a stab at the one part of the brain I could remember. And my hippocampus pointed me only to amygdala. But now I know that the hippocampus is the seahorse-shaped region of the brain that forms memory. And I will never forget that. And I will also say that even the hippocampus, that seahorse-shaped region of the brain, is a fish, if you define fish broadly enough. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your

favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example?

The braised short ribs, they're made in, made in. The Rohan duck, made in, made in. Riders of Rohan, duck! What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in, made in. Made In has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years.

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Just buy it online. This is professional-grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning,

the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep. That's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world and you get to hear the sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time

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That's all for this week's Judge Sean Hodgman. John, you're on the road. Where can people go out and see you? In November, I will be in Burlington, Vermont on the 19th at the Higher Ground Ballroom. The 20th of November finds me in Lebanon, New Hampshire, where in fact, they have just made an incredible poster based on a popular brand of mayonnaise, except my name is put in it instead, and I'm so happy about it. Then on 21st November, the Academy of Music in my semi-hometown Northampton, Massachusetts. It's an incredible stage, and I can't wait to see my fellow pioneers of the valley there. And then on the 22nd of November, I shall return to the Bushnell Center for the Performing Arts in Hartford, Connecticut.

Will I wear a Hartford Whalers t-shirt? Probably. Will I sing the Brass Bonanza or play it on a recording device? Yes. Join me at all of these places. I'll be hanging out after each one of them to say hello to you. And it'll be fun. Wait, what is the Brass Bonanza?

Jesse, the Brass Bonanza is the victory song of the Hartford Whalers. How could I have not known that? Anytime the Whalers would score a hockey goal, which I believe is a measure of success in the game of hockey, they would play a song called Brass Bonanza. I'm going to set up a show for myself in Montreal, and I'm going to top your playing of the Brass Bonanza. I'm going to set up a show for myself in Montreal, and I'm going to top your playing of the Brass Bonanza and wearing of Hartford Whaler's shirt by bringing Yuppie to perform with me. Whoa. Defunct teams of sports. And their legendary semi-defunct mascots. I just had to stop there for a moment because my knowledge of sports is so out of date that

I wasn't entirely sure that the Montreal Expos were defunct, but they are. They're totally defunct, right? But I believe UP is not defunct. I think UP, like the Philly Fanatic, tours minor league baseball stadiums. The Phillies still exist. Yes, they do. But the Expos are, so they're bringing, Danois is bringing defunct, right? Yes, absolutely.. But the expos are, so they're bringing, DeNoy's bringing defunct, right? Yes, absolutely.

My new saying. You can submit a case to us if you like, and we always love it when you submit a case. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHo, MaximumFun.org slash JJHo, so you can have your day in court. We're available on Facebook, just like Judge John Hodgman. There's also a new MaximumFun.org Facebook group where people have been posting a lot of cool stuff and getting into different stuff. That's at

Facebook.com slash MaximumFun.org with a dot, not with D-O-T. And our show is edited by Mark McConville, produced by Julia Smith. Wait, one final word, Jesse? Yeah, sure. Just because I was incredibly mean to everyone who wrote into the docket. I hope people will still write in and give me their disputes to settle because I still adore you even when I call you a creep or a monster. This should be clear after many years of doing this program. We'll

talk to you next time on the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast.