Judge John Hodgman - Coda Conduct

Episode Date: August 7, 2019

Jeanne files suit against her sister, Liz. Jeanne says that when Liz plays music on the piano, she doesn’t play a song all the way through. Liz doesn’t think it matters, but Jeanne wants her to complete the songs she plays. Who's right? Who's wrong? With Summertime Funtime Guest Bailiff Monte Belmonte! Thank you to Jeremy Frank for naming this week's case! To suggest a title for a future episode, like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. We regularly put out a call for submissions.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm summertime, fun time guest bailiff Monty Belmonte from 93.9 The River, WRSI in Northampton, Massachusetts. This week, CODA conduct. Jean files sweet, I mean suit, against her sister Liz. Jean notes that when Liz plays music on the piano, she doesn't play a song all the way through to the double bar. And that leaves Gene feeling flat. Liz doesn't understand what's fermata and thinks this is a minor issue. Will playing songs through to the end be Liz's new forte? Or has the tenor of their dissonance left Gene in treble. Can the sisters be of one accord?

Only one man can diminish, I mean decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. How dare you, Monty Belmonte. How dare you. I can't help myself. I'm going to get to the cultural reference, but hang on.

First of all, it's great to hear your voice again. Summertime Funtime guest bailiff Monty Belmonte from WRSI, the river in Northampton, Massachusetts, famed for his puns and wordplay. What was the one Liz doesn't understand what's? What's Fremada? What is your cultural reference? What is that? It's a musical notation.

It means like you hold that note for a long time. Yeah, I've got guest producer Joel Mann here at WERU in Orland, Maine, nodding along to that. Is that correct, Joel? Fumata. And you're a musician, right? Fumata. Okay. And a man of not only not many words, but apparently just one word today.

Fumata. I'll get to the bottom of that and many more items of importance. But first, we have to have this absurd cultural reference. Here it is. It's short. I gave everything to it I was able to give. What I have here accomplished, I will never achieve again. End quote. Summertime, fun time, guest bailiff Monty Belmonte.

Please swear the litigants in. Jean and Liz, please rise and raise your G-clef hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or piano man Billy Joel or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact when he tickles the ivories, the ivories don't think it's very funny. Yes, I do. I do. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Jean and Liz, you may be seated. That tickling the ivories joke got a rare smile from Joel Mann here in Orland, Maine, where I am recording as this is the summertime for me, WERU.org or WERU 89.9 FM. And of course,

here with guest bailiff of the summertime fun time variety, Monty Belmonte of WRSI The River. And of course, Jean and Liz, who have a fight for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors, Jean and Liz. Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced when I entered the courtroom? It's not a piece of culture, it's a direct quote.

Can you tell me who said those words? It's a person. Jean, what's your guess? I'm gonna go with billy joel billy joel william jenkins joel that's his full name monty i learned that today william jenkins joel all right i'm gonna enter his full name into the guest book and now i turn to liz what. What is your guess? Carly Simon. Carly Simon, a great musical artist who I was just listening to the greatest hits of Carly Simon last night as I was making dinner, Liz, on long playing record on vinyl. One of my very favorites.

I'll enter that into the guest book as well. Joel Mann, you like Carly Simon? Yeah, of course. Who's better, Carly Simon or James Taylor? Say it, Joel. James Taylor. No, wrong. Nope. That's the wrong.

Totally wrong. I love James Taylor. We can't have New England without James Taylor. Carly Simon, I think, is the more enduring artist. Monty, do you agree? 100%. Yeah. What if James Taylor is listening right now and starting to cry?

Sweet baby, James. I love James Taylor. I love Carly Simon. I love Sweet Baby James, and I love when they do Mockingbird together. But I was just thinking last night, Carly Simon not only has the pipes, but has a more diverse career as a songwriter and performer. I'm getting in trouble now. James Taylor, I love you. Livingston Taylor, I love you. But for all of that, all guesses are wrong. You know who I was quoting? Who? Let me give you a hint. Oh. Now can you guess?

Liz? James Conwell. Babe. Babe? Actually, that does sound like a line from Babe. You're right, though. The music was featured in Babe and Babe, Pig in the City, which is, of course, two of the favorite films of this podcast. But I was quoting the composer Camille Saint-Saëns speaking of his own

Symphony No. 3 in C minor, Op. 78, a.k.a. Organ Symphony, so-called because some of the parts were played on livers and kidneys. No, it had a big organ in it. And that theme was borrowed by Babe, Pig in the City, and by Babe for the song If I Had Words. And the song If I Had Words, the pop version of that song, actually was made popular before Babe by Scott Fitzgerald and Yvonne Keeley in 1977 with a reggae beat. I was listening to it as I drove all the way here. Liz, why is this the obscure cultural reference? Because I played this song in a little clip I submitted. Liz, why is this the obscure cultural reference? Because I played this song in a little clip I submitted.

Well, you did send some evidence of you playing this exact song. This song is a point of contention in this case, and we're going to hear all about it right now. Jean, you bring this case seeking justice. What is the nature of this dispute? So I've known Liz her whole life. I'm her younger sister. And as long as I've known her, she has not played songs all the way through without stopping. On the piano specifically?

Correct. On the piano. Probably elsewhere, too, but I'm not sure. And when you say she stops, how do you mean she stops? She's like, plays a little bit, and she goes, I'm not feeling it, and she walks out of the room? No, she will stop if she messes up or if she misses a note or loses her place or becomes distracted. She will stop playing, and she will go back either to the beginning of the song or go back a couple of measures and start playing again. And it's just an endless loop of playing and stopping and playing and stopping. So it's not just like, nope, nope, nope.

It's not that. It's ba-da-da. Nope. Ba-da-da. Nope. Ba-da-da-da. Nope. Is that which one is it?

A or B? With B being the later one. It's actually a combination of both. So you might get either one of those. It's A or B. Ab or ba. It's sort of A sharp. Oh, Monty Belmonte, how dare you? Yes.

Or B flat. Okay. Liz, how do you respond to this? Haltingly? Yes. I do not understand. First of all, everyone makes mistakes. So you kind of have to pause, generally speaking, when you make a mistake. Liz, when you say everyone, does that include me, Judge John Hodgman? Are you saying that I make mistakes? Possibly not you, but most other people make mistakes. Sure. Of course they do. Of course they make mistakes. Do you deny that you stop and start again on playing the piano? I definitely stop and start on to another piece. But I think her original issue was that I never keep going. And I absolutely keep going. I definitely don't always go back a couple measures.

I will play the song all the way through if that's what I'm feeling at the moment. So what moves you to stop a song? An error or you're not feeling it anymore? I mean, I would say probably more so not feeling it. However, I definitely make errors. I am a very mediocre pianist. It's more of a have fun, just play for entertainment, get people interested in singing. That's more my vibe. Well, yeah, and I appreciate that. But you can also appreciate that starting a song and then stopping several times and then giving up on it to go play The Entertainer by Scott Joplin or whatever. And then stopping that one is not exactly fun for everyone if you're having a little sing-along. Wouldn't you agree? I do agree with that. I think if it was something

that was pre-organized, maybe, to say, okay, we're going to play this song and this song, and we're singing, but it's more off-the-cuff, just kind of playing, and I would love to play Scott Joplin, but Jean would probably be more apt to play Scott Joplin because she's a better pianist than me. Oh, the gauntlet has been thrown down. Jean, you don't have a right to complain because you're a better pianist. All right. You are grown human beings, correct? Yes. Yes. You have children of your own. Correct. You're not child musical prodigies who are forced to play for your parents' amusement. You are grown-ups. So tell me a little bit about your family history with music and with the piano and why this issue is even happening in your lives. I mean, how often do you guys get together for a little piano session?

When we were growing up, we had a family piano, and sometimes we even had two pianos in the home, and there was always someone playing the piano. It was hard to even get time to play. And so Liz has played for a long time. I've played for a long time. Liz is a much better pianist than she's making herself out to be. But, you know, we had all of the songbooks. So like we had the James Taylor, we had the Billy Joel, we had the Bruce Springsteen and the Beatles and all of that. And we would play and sing frequently.

Oh, and show tunes, too. So it's been part of our family life. Oh, what an adorable Wes Anderson movie you grew up in. Where did you grow up jockeying for piano rights? In Columbus. Columbus, Ohio, home of James Thurber, namesake of the Thurber Prize for American Humor, Vacationland by John Hodgman. Runner up, not the winner.

2018. Oh, well. But still, Columbus is a fine town, the capital of Ohio. Yes. And how often do you guys get together? And how often do you guys break out the old piano and sing a song? I would say any time we are in a place with a piano, we always end up at the piano. Do you both have pianos in your home? Yes. And do you both still

live in Ohio? Yes. We're both in Columbus. How many other siblings are there in the piano family? There are six other siblings. Six plus you? Yes. Monty, am I doing my math right? Is that eight? I believe eight is enough. Yeah. I'm not sure if you heard that, but you made Joel Mann laugh again, Monty. It's my great joy. Wowee. And do they all rock piano or are some of them doing some hammered dulcimer? No dulcimer. My brother plays guitar, and I think the rest of us are just piano. I played a little trombone in high school, but that's it. Wait, who's speaking right now? This is Jean.

Jean, I'm sorry. I lost track there for a second. You played a little trombone in high school? Yes. All right. I've heard everything I need to in order to make my verdict. Jean is the winner. Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all.

This is the sound of a gavel. It's a sad trombone for Liz. Liz, you better tell me you blew some flugelhorn or something to counteract that incredible musical judo that Gene just pulled. I did play trombone in middle school. I'm assuming we all shared the same trombone. But I did not play for long. I played violin for a little bit and mostly piano. I love the fact that you guys had to compete for piano time in your home as though it were a television

or a Sega. And I love the fact that like I go to Jean and she's like, I played some trombone in high school. I'm like, Liz, you better get some trombone in your life. She's like, I do. I played the same trombone. And now I'm picturing like your mom, like when you were growing up, did you two get thrown in the basement and your mom threw a trombone down the stairs and goes, the first one who becomes proficient in trombone eats dinner tonight. That's a fair depiction of your childhood, right? That's pretty fair. Okay, Jean, this bothers you because why? Because I do like to sing along, and I also like to kind of know where the music is going to go. So if I'm expecting a song to sound a certain way, it's just jarring to my ears to have it be stopping and all of that.

And I don't care if Liz makes mistakes. She's right. We all do make mistakes, but you have to carry on when you make a mistake for your audience. And so that's one thing. And the other thing is that when we are singing, I always end up having to play because I do play songs all the way through. And it's usually Liz's music and I have to sight read it. So that makes me feel's usually Liz's music and I have to sight read it. So that makes me feel really, really nervous because I'm trying to sight read and keep up with other people. And I feel like if it's her music, she should be the one playing it. If we're at my house and it's my music, I can play it.

What do you mean it's her music? It's her compositions? No, it's just her sheet music. Oh, but they're existing songs. Yes. Name some of the songs you love to sing together. You mentioned William Jenkins Joel. Yes.

James Taylor. Carly Simon. Yes. Should I feel bad about liking Carly Simon more than James Taylor, you guys? Well, we love James Taylor. I mean, we love Carly, but we just went and saw James Taylor not that long ago, didn't we? With Bonnie Raitt. Yeah.

She came with us. Do you think he listens to this podcast? Oh, that would be great. Well, I feel bad that I would have made that comparison. Comparisons are the enemy of joy. No, wait a minute. This is a judge show. Of course I made a comparison. I stand by my judgment. I apologize for a moment of weakness there. I guess maybe I am fallible after all. Let's take a quick recess. We'll be back in a minuet. after all. Let's take a quick recess. We'll be back in a minuet. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and

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That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning, causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of learning causes a sound to happen. Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching.

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Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at Babbel.com slash Hodgman, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Court is back in session. Let's get back to the courtroom to hear more of the case. Jean, do you feel that Liz is a perfectionist?

In some ways. Go on. Liz is a perfectionist? In some ways. Go on. Liz is an artist, for sure. She's a very, very talented artist. And I think in her own drawing art, she is able to go in a very flowy way and just make things happen. And she doesn't overthink things. But I do think when she plays piano, she's just hard on herself. So I guess that is perfectionism.

What do you think is the source of her being hard on herself? I don't know. You can't express yourself through song anymore, you guys. We're getting real here. If you had to use words, would you say that Liz feels paralyzed by her mistakes, that she's not able to get it right? Maybe. She's the older sister, correct?

She is. Yes. Yeah. Usually the older sister. Well, who's the eldest in the family? Not me. I'm the fifth. I don't know the typical psychological profile of the fifth child. I can usually do an oldest child, youngest child, middle child, and only child. But maybe the fifth child is like, oh yeah, classic song stopper and starter. Liz, why do you feel you can't just push on through, especially during a sing-along with your siblings who probably love you a tremendous amount, even though they judge you very harshly? I definitely think I can. I think

that Jean makes up this stuff in her head and determines that I'm stopping when she actually stops too. I don't know. I think maybe she's focused on me and I don't know. I don't think it's a big deal. Do you think she focuses on you too much? I think definitely more of the gatherings are at my house. So I am playing the piano more. I'm initiating piano playing. I'm initiating different types of songs. I might be pulling out five different piano books and a bunch of different sheet music because I like it when we get to sing and play. So it might just be that we have a limited amount of time and I want to cover a bunch of songs. May I ask if your hesitancy at the keyboard may have something to do with your choosing and playing songs that you are less familiar with in an effort to mix it up? Sure,

maybe. Jean might be giving me a little more credit. I am pretty mediocre. I am not very good at sight reading. I'm really bad with timing. And it's more of just like the interest in the music for me. So that's probably why I don't play very well and stop when I make mistakes and take too long to move forward with the song. Huh. Jean, how does it make you feel when Liz says that she's less of a pianist than you think she is, that she's really mediocre? Because, I mean, I hear it classic fifth child mediocrity complex textbook.

But I'd like to hear in your words how it makes you feel when Liz runs herself down. It makes me very sad. I am the eighth child. I am the youngest. It makes me really sad because I totally disagree that she's a mediocre pianist. She practices and she plays a lot. And I think she enjoys it a lot as well, which is really kind of the most important thing. So it just, it makes me sad that she thinks that and that she thinks that I'm judging her for that reason. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you're mediocre. I don't view it negatively. You play piano, you have fun, and I think it's okay. She's a good pianist. Hone in for a second on the impulse to stop. You get a note wrong?

Yes. I might not even be able to read the, what are those things called? Those codas and the repeats. Like I'm just in my own world when it comes to piano playing. So I may just get stuck and I'm trying to read the words. I'm trying to read the music and I just can't necessarily keep going. When you're struggling with this stuff, when you're struggling with reading the notation and figuring out the coda and the, what's it called again, Monty and Joel, fermata, stigmata? Fermata. Fermata. Barata? Spell it for me.

Spell this term. F-E-R-M-A-T-A. Fermata. Yes. What does it mean again? It's like a sustained note for an indefinite amount of time. And Joel, what's the notation for it? A little oopla.

Why are you even... What are you doing to me? You're teaming up to gaslight me with your made up words. It's confusing. I acknowledge that, Liz. So here's what I'm asking. When you're,

it's been a long time since I've read sheet music. And when you're struggling through and you're playing the song and you're making a mistake and you're going back, is that torture for you or is that fun for you?

I'd say it's, I mean, closer to torture going back and trying to figure it out. And I'm just like, let's move on to something I know better. Like, um, junkies lament by James Taylor. All right. I get it. You guys love James Taylor. So when you're doing this, when you're playing a song and you're getting it wrong and you're going back and you're starting and other people are trying to sing along or are watching you is it fun do you have fun even though you're not playing the song correctly no i think it's fun and when there's more than one person singing believe me i think jeans again i think she's just looking at this incorrectly. I think I keep playing through.

I think when there's more than one person singing, I keep going, especially at Christmas. I play a lot of different Christmas songs. I will have people gathered around. The more people singing, the more noise there is to cover your errors. Correct. Jean, Liz contends that if the family is together and everyone's singing, all 35 of you or whatever are singing and covering up her errors, that she pushes through, that she doesn't stop and start. This is a counter contention. Is this true or false? False.

Go on. I very rarely experience her playing a song and continuing on. I very rarely experience her playing a song and continuing on. And I believe I submitted an affidavit from my brother that also supports that. All right. Yes. Let's look at some of the evidence you sent in. But before I do, let me clarify. The Liz says when people sing along, she pushes on. You say that is false.

That means, first of all, your sister is a liar. And second of all, at Christmastime or whenever you're all together and you're singing along and it's like god rest ye jerry jerry mentalman sorry and you're saying god we'll just we'll go with it we'll get god rest ye jerry mentalman and she realizes oh i accidentally played mentalman instead of gentleman and stops over everyone has to take a deep breath and start singing again. It's like, God rest ye, Jerry mental. Oh, no. Hang on. Everybody start again. God rest ye, merry gentlemen. You all have to stop and start singing again, right? Yes. Let's take a look at this evidence. This is submitted by Jean. We have some photos here, which of course will be available on the Judge John Hodgman page at MaximumFun.org or on our Instagram at Judge John Hodgman, all one word. And of course,

first of all, we are leading with adorable pets. Here's an adorable cat, Simon, that belongs to Liz, quote, just because he is very cute. He is a very cute marmalade cat. Proves nothing about this case. And this gene would be your dog, Sky, laying in front of your piano where you practice, quote, playing songs without stopping, end quote. Correct. Now, this is a very cute dog, and he's lying on that floor next to some toys. What kind of dog is this? Is this an Akita? She's not. She's a Shiba Inu. Same family.

But I was pretty close though, right? Yep. Yeah. See Joel and Monty? I know words. I know kinds of dogs. Akita, Mina Mina, Oobla Oobla. All the good dogs.

You're your very own Jerry Mentalman. Come on down to Jerry Mentalman's. We got Akitas. got ublas jerry mentalman's adopt an older akita center columbus ohio don't rest ye till you get on down to jerry mentalman's i had to backtrack and make it into an adoption center for for older pets so that it wasn't just a puppy mill but uh gene you drop in some shade against your sis here when you say you practice playing songs without stopping would you say that playing a song without stopping is the goal of a song gene um i mean when camille sanson wrote a babe pig in the city theme he did not write oh i hope that people will stop this song in the middle a few times before

they get to the end. The point is to do the whole thing through, right? Yes. Would you say that the method of perfecting a song, of being able to play it all the way through, is a matter of what they say in the music biz, practice, practice, practice? Yes. And practicing with intent. Would you say that Liz needs to practice more?

I don't think she does. I think she practices a lot. I think she just needs to have the intention of not stopping if she messes up. Here's a picture of you and Liz and your son Jude, Gene. What an adorable family. Quote, enjoying a concert at the zoo

where the musicians played all of the songs without stopping. Again, a little shade thrown. Were the musicians animals? Not that time, no. Or do you always go to the zoo to hear music? Weird choice. Weird choice. Go to a concert hall. You know what I mean? Go to an amphitheater. Columbus Zoo, though, it's very famous. Jack Hanna, right? Yes. What kind of music are they playing at the zoo? I think it was like a Caribbean band, but I can't remember. So you're saying that Liz does practice, but she just doesn't get better. Interesting. I also have an affidavit from one of your many siblings. Liz, you're going to have to guess which one it is.

I cannot recall a time in recent memory when Liz has played more than two lines of a song without stopping multiple times. She has made it impossible to sing along with If I Had Words from the movie Babe, which is a shame because that is a beautiful song. Which of your siblings is that, Liz? Jim. Jim. That's right. What birth order is Jimim he is sixth classic sixth child team up with eighth child to throw fifth child under the bus jim goes on to say however i should

also mention although not necessarily relevant to this case the most everything Liz plays does sound like a polka. I'm not sure the court can do anything about that. Liz, is that true? Does everything you play sound like a polka? It's not the first time I've heard that. I guess I do. I am not very good at timing, and I have a natural polka beat in my head. I'm Polish. You just, well, I mean, maybe you should have stayed to that oompa trombone, you know, maybe that was your metier. Liz, you submitted some evidence as well. Your submission says, this is me playing a song all the way through. Proof, it can be done.

Not well, though. Case dismissed? Question mark? And now we're going to listen to it. Thank you. Sounds like a polka. I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm going to go into my oobla now, and I'll be back in a moment with my decision. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Jean and Liz, we heard Liz playing the piano.

Did you grow up, Liz, playing like a mean 16-handed piano with seven other siblings and yourself trying to fight for that piano in the home? Yes. Can you really all play together, like very many of you at the same time, and do songs all together as a family? We used to play duets. Not octets?

No. Now, Jean, I grew up as somebody playing the piano, and I was terrible, and my dad always used to complain about me starting and stopping, which gave me such agita and fear to continue to learn that it created some sort of paternal piano trauma. And even though you're the youngest child, do you think you may be doing untold psychological damage to your sister, Liz? I hope not, but I probably have. Yes. And Liz, when you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand and nothing, whoa, nothing is going right, close your eyes and think of Judge John Hodgman and soon he will be there to brighten up even your darkest nights.

People can be so cold, they'll hurt you and desert you and take your soul if you let them. But don't let them. Judge Hodgman will be back with his decision in just a minute. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I Hmm. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go,

call S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I It'll never fit. No, it'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. Ah, we are so close. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. Monty, were you, I couldn't quite hear you, were you quoting song lyrics when I was in my chambers? Yes, I was. Yeah, I have a feeling that song was about me.

I mean, call me vain, but I'm a feeling that song was about me i mean call me vain but i i'm pretty sure that song was about me don't you don't you think don't you yeah yeah i don't you here's another quote not a song i'm gonna read this one out it's another obscure cultural reference another chance for either liz or gene to take it away we've never done this before in judge john hodgman but listening to the testimony today inspired me. Your merciful God, he destroyed his own beloved rather than let a mediocrity share in the smallest part of his glory. But don't worry, I will speak for you, Father. I speak for all mediocrities in the world. I am their champion. I am their patron saint. Liz, who am I quoting? Carly Simon.

No! No! Oh, you guys are taking your revenge upon poor Hodgman here. Jean, have you a guess? Clarence Darrow? Clarence Darrow? I was quoting F. Murray Abraham as Salieri in the movie Amadeus. Oh, good one. Because Salieri knew that he was a mediocrity and loved the music of Mozart. And all Salieri wanted to do was play music and write music, but he was only okay at it. Of course, Mozart was beyond a prodigy, a otherworldly perfect music

machine. And even though Mozart was a perfect music machine, he didn't hate Salieri. He kind of thought Salieri was fine. And this is in the play and movie by Peter Schaeffer, of course. This is not historical necessarily, or we don't know for sure, but in the play, in the movie, Salieri, it's this beautiful character piece where Salieri is consumed by his frustration with his own mediocrity. And Mozart wasn't bothered by him. He thought he was a friend. And yet the comparison that Salieri felt constantly made him sad and frustrated. Comparisons bring no joy, right? Comparison is the enemy of joy. You compare yourself to another. And I don't bring this up necessarily because, Liz, you

have a Salieri complex and, Jean, you have a Mozart complex. There's an element of that, there's a whiff of that, there's a little oobla of that. That's not exactly why I brought up this comparison. I brought up the comparison because, Liz, you shared that recording, and I'm going to say it's mediocre. I'm sorry. Liz, it's mediocre in the best way. way. And I have to say that it reminded me of the scene from Amadeus where Salieri has composed a little entrance music to welcome Mozart to the Austrian court and the emperor of Austria, who's an amateur musician, asked to play it for Mozart. And he plays it very haltingly. And it doesn't help that the tune itself is very ponderous and frankly unmusical. And so it's this comedic moment where Mozart doesn't even know how quickly to walk in because the tune is so hesitant. And it's this moment where Salieri just recognizes like yeah there's a limit to where I can go. And you said something about timing, that you have difficulty with timing. And I heard that too in your playing, a little lack of a natural musical motion.

And so when I say that you're a mediocrity, I say that with respect. I love that Salieri gave that speech at the end, that he would be the patron saint of mediocrities everywhere. Because it is a moment of true self-understanding when you realize there are limits to my talent and here are where my failings are, right? And even if other people don't recognize that or want you to not feel that way, if you know that it's true, you know that it's true. So I hope you don't take it as malice that I acknowledge what you told me,

that you have issues with timing. You are a little hesitant. You don't play with a sense of sureness. I hope that doesn't hurt your feelings. I'm trying to see you. And to acknowledge also that you're extremely brave to put the music out there. You know, anyone is, right? Anyone who's not a prodigal, super-duper musician who doesn't even know their own limits is going to feel nervous about performing, especially for an unknown audience of listeners all around the world, right? And also that you are comfortable with, it would seem, the fact that you are not as great a musician as your sister, but you're okay with it and you still want to play music and still want to have a good time with your friends and your family playing music,

that you still love it. And I think that's a very healthy, good place to be. And I'm sorry that Jean cannot acknowledge that. You are a mediocrity. You're the patron saint of mediocrities for the Judge John Hodgman podcast, as far as I'm concerned. At the same time, there's a competing premise in this court, which is that if it's not fun for everyone, it's no fun at all. If you get pleasure by sitting down and working your way slowly and hesitantly through a piece of music, or you get pleasure learning a new piece of music, and you stop and you start and you stop and you start and you figure it out, and you're doing that on your own, that's great. But I have

to agree that stopping and starting a song in a sing-along is a real, it's a musical term that you might not have heard, a buzzkill. Monty, you deal with a lot of professional musicians in your role as a DJ and music aficionado and show tune aficionado there in Northampton. Is it typical for during a recording session or a concert for an artist to stop and start the song over and over again? A concert? No. A recording session? Potentially. A recording session? Potentially. All right. Thank you for undermining me a little. That's fine. No, neither of those cases. It's true. No, you're right. I mean, but it's a different situation, right? In the recording session, you're trying to get it right. I stop and start as we record this.

That's how it goes. I make mistakes. I'm fallible. I admit it. James Taylor is great. I've seen fire and I've seen rain. Oh, Joel, you back at me. Joel, when you're laying down base with night flight and the field hippies on the porch of the Pentago Head Inn Tuesday evenings in Castine, Maine.

If I hit a wrong note? Yeah. What do you do? I make sure the next time I'm at that exact spot, I hit the wrong note again. Ha ha ha. Consistency. Exactly. That's what they call jazz.

Yeah. Consistent wrong notes. That's what they call jazz. You can't stop the trio. You can't stop the other night flights. No. No. Got to keep going. It's really called night and day trio. Everyone. Yeah. Pentagodian Tuesdays. the other night flights no no gotta keep going it's really

called night and day trio everyone yeah kind of go it in tuesdays why why do you gotta keep going well because most of the time other people won't even know you made a mistake yeah i mean because that's context it's it's okay to make mistakes it's important it's how you learn but you make mistakes in private or if you make mistakes in public, you pretend they don't happen. Singing along and playing along and playing music together is something that doesn't happen a lot in United Statesian family life these days. It is precious. It is wonderful. I'm so happy that your family grew up doing this. I'm so happy it was not a basement trombone fight, but apparently an atmosphere of mutual respect and prodding to do better and a desire to have

fun with each other. And so I want to encourage you to continue to do it. I want everyone to listen and to be brave and bring out a ukulele or learn a trombone or another musical instrument. Singing along is something that our culture needs a lot more of than less of. And I'm glad, Liz, that you're trying to keep this tradition alive. But I have to agree with Gene and Jim and many, I presume your other siblings, that it's not fun for everybody when you stop the song and have to start again it is jarring it's a jarring thing the beauty of a song is that it keeps going you know when you when you think about if i had words to make a day for you i sing you morning

i'd sing a morning see now i messed it up now it's now it's terrible now everyone feels bad right everyone who's listening is around the world i didn't even mean to messed it up. Now everyone feels bad, right? Everyone who's listening to this around the world. I didn't even mean to mess it up. I did. These lyrics are wrong. If I had words to make a day for you, I'd sing a morning golden and new. I made a mistake, but I'm going on.

I would make this day last for all time. I made a mistake. I'm going on. Give you a night deep in. And I don't remember the rest. Stopping and starting. It's just everyone's mad at me now. I'm mad at me. I'm so mad at me, Joel. I thought I practiced so hard. Joel's so mad. Monty, are you mad at me? No, you sounded beautiful. I would make this day last for all time that's the note that's the incredible thing sanson doesn't that what note is that you have perfect pitch don't you joel monty one of you guys ubla f sharp yeah oh that's the beauty of a song right when you get it right it's the

anticipation to that note that is making the whole part of that first song so exciting. And if you've never heard it before, and he goes, goes for all time, instead of just repeating for all time or whatever it was, that's amazing, right? That's what a song is. You got to do it all the way through and you got to not make mistakes. And when you do make mistakes, as I did, a couple of notes in there were pretty sour, but I kept going because I knew if I could get the end, I could stick that landing. Everyone would be happy and everyone would be together. So Liz, what I'm saying is instead of getting more and more songs out and then abandoning them to get songs you're more familiar with, don't go for quantity, go for quality. Get five songs down, down cold, this one included.

I know you could play it all the way through. I heard you get through it. I do believe that you can get less hesitant and more musical in your presentation. It's not all polka. But at the very least, play them all the way through. Five songs that you have cold. I'm going to be singing this song all the way home in this drive. I'm going to get it right every time, Joel. But that's part of it. Playing in public is nerve wracking. And then you got to practice, practice, practice. This is the

sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Another case in multi-measure rest as we near the coda. Jean, you seem to have won this case. Does this seem like now perhaps the responsibility is greater on you to be the one who does all the playing until Liz gets at least five full songs in her quiver for a public performance at your gigantic family gatherings around her piano? I am willing to take on that responsibility while Liz gets her five songs together. You got to get your five songs together too, Jean, because you were saying you have trouble following Liz's sheet music. Learn some songs in her repertoire. Liz, do you have any idea what your five songs might be?

Probably five James Taylor, just since everybody knows James Taylor. And, you know, we'll get a lot of good singing and harmonizing. So I'm pretty committed to that. As someone who hosts a morning radio show that was previously hosted by Rachel Maddow, I know what it's like to be the patron saint of mediocrity. So I hope you don't hurt too much with Judge John Hodgman's decision. And as a consolation prize, you will be receiving a Salieri Fermata sandwich from Jerry Mentalman's Deli. Thank you both for being on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Before we dispense some swift justice, we want to thank Jeremy Frank for naming this week's episode

Coda Conduct. If you'd like to name a future episode, follow Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. Thank you. Maximum Fun subreddit to discuss the episode. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. Make sure to follow us there for evidence and other fun stuff. This week's episode was recorded by Jimmy DeRosa at Orin Judio Recording in Columbus, Ohio. And Joel Mann at WERU Orland, Maine. How sweet it is to be loved by Joel. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. And now for some swift justice,

where we answer your small disputes with a quick judgment. Angela says, I think bringing a vegetable plate to a potluck is a cop-out, and no one really likes them. My husband disagrees with me. Prove him wrong.

One point of clarity here. I'm not sure whether Angela is talking about a vegetarian dish or a plate of vegetables. If she is bringing a vegetarian lasagna or a vegetarian chili, I will not eat it. But it's going to make someone there very, very happy because lots of times at potlucks, vegetarians get overlooked. If you're talking about a plate of vegetables, then we're talking about crudités. And that is not a main dish. That is an appetizer.

So if you've been asked to bring a main dish and you're bringing crudités, you better up your game. You better bring me something that does not just cut up celery and broccoli from the Wawa or the Store 24 or the Cumberland Farms. from the Wawa or the Store 24 or the Cumberland Farms. You've got to go to the farmer's market and get the greatest broccolis and little radishes and fresh beans and really good stuff and really make it look gorgeous and maybe add some cheese to the side, some really nice feta cheese, and make some dip.

If you make your own onion dip, if you make onion dip from scratch, no one will be sad at that potluck. You got to really dress up a plate of vegetables at a potluck in order for it to stand out. I don't want some green room crudités that come in the pre-sectioned containers with some stale cherry tomatoes. Jennifer Marmer knows what I'm talking about. That's the crudités we get in green rooms when we do Judge John Hodgman tours. Now, I'll eat that stuff. I'll enjoy that a lot. In a green room context, that's delicious.

But at a potluck, when you bring some food to someone's house, you want it to look generous. You want it to look good and you want it to be good. All right. That's how I feel about that. Summertime fun time. Guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, take us out. That's about it for this week's episode. Submit your cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho or email Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. No case too small. We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

If I had words to make a day for Liz and Jean, I'd sing a morning golden and new I would make this day last for all time give you a night deep in moonshine Finally. That one wasn't so bad.