Judge John Hodgman - Cold Case

Episode Date: May 22, 2014

Should a couple in Berlin install an air conditioner in their new apartment? Dominik enjoys the heat, while Laura prefers a cooler climate. 

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, cold case. Laura brings the case against her boyfriend Dominic. She wants to install an air conditioner in their new apartment. Laura says Dominic enjoys the heat while she enjoys a cooler climate. Should Laura freeze him out? Only one man can decide. The girl is at your side. Are you going to do it? She wants to be your side. Are you going to do it? She wants to be your bride. Are you going to do it? She wants to multiply. Are you going to do it?

I know you won't be satisfied until you do it. Some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on. Some feel the heat and decide that they can't go on. Some like it hot, but you can't tell how hot till you try. Some like it hot, so let's turn up the heat till we fry. Feel the heat pushing you to decide. Feel the heat burning you up, ready or not. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, feel the heat, swear them in. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? Yes, I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that living in Park Slope, Brooklyn, he has no need for an air conditioner as his home is cooled by an artisanal ice delivery service? Yes. Very well. Judge Hodgman? Laura, Dominic, you may be seated. For an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors, can either of you name the piece of popular, it was popular culture, I'll say popular culture, that I paraphrased as I entered the courtroom.

Laura? Dominic? Unfortunately, no idea. Yeah, also you're not named Laura. But I knew you were not going to get it, Dominic. Laura? Is it a song? Do you know it or not?

I'm not going to get into one of these mind games here. I'm not going to let you do it. Is it a song, she said. Is it a song? Well, I'll tell you, it's not an epic poem. It's not the epic Gilgamesh. I think that given the doggerel verse that Judge Hodgman just shared, I think it's, yes, it's probably a song. Jesse, it's actually

Beowulf. It's a part of Beowulf. Oh, excuse me then. Sorry. That's not true. But Laura, I'm not going to answer your question. I'm not going to fall for your phony, psychic cold reading. Yeah, I'm not going to answer your question. I'm not going to fall for your phony, psychic, cold reading. Yeah, I'm getting a song. Is it a song? It's either a song or a book. It's one of them until I start giving you clues. And then you read from my body language what it is.

Or my vocal language, which I guess is just language. So do you know the answer or not? Quickly. No. No, I don't know it at all well it is a song did you have a guess i didn't know it did you have a guess no not really it was it's some like it hot by the by the power station released how are you probably you're probably too young to to remember that song how old how old are you laura um i'm 25 yeah this this is a song that came out in 1985 i believe let me just take it yeah 1985 it was a big moment on saturday night live that night when robert palmer and uh and uh chick drummer tony thompson and a couple of the Duran Durans got up there and formed their own weird super group and sang this song, Some Like It Hot.

And congratulations to all of the old people in our listening audience who got that right away. You're old and we're all going to die. But now let's turn to you, young people. You're 25, Laura. to you young people you're 25 laura you are living abroad with a foreigner in his native dominic are you from berlin are you from germany from germany right and uh and and where did you grow up in germany in house germany actually and how old are you 60 29. 29. I'm trying to get a sense of how mortified and terrified Laura's parents are right now in her life. Medium. Medium terrified. Not mortified. Medium terrified.

Medium terrified. Where did you grow up, Laura? I grew up in North Carolina, and then I lived in Boston for a year or two before moving here. Where in North Carolina? In Carthage, North Carolina. In Carthage, North Carolina. Okay. And when you said to your mom and dad, guess what? I'm 25 years old.

Already they're upset because you've grown old. already they're upset because because you've grown old and i'm 25 years old and i'm leaving boston to move to berlin to live with my boyfriend dominic what did they say i think they cried a little and then and you loved it didn't you no you're like yeah's right. I rebelled too far. No, and then I think they spiraled into some fears that I would, like, immediately, I don't know, have kids here or something and never come back. But, yeah, so far that hasn't happened. How long have you been cohabitating with Dominic in Berlin? Well, we've been in Berlin for about four months now. Where were you before?

Well, we lived together kind of briefly in Boston because Dominic was working between there and Zurich, Switzerland. And then we lived there for about a month in December, and then we moved to Berlin. A month in Zurich? Yes. Okay. Dominic, what do you do for a living? I am working in an online marketing company. Oh, okay.

And how did you guys meet? Did you meet in Boston? Right. Did you go to a... Right. So it's an American company and I traveled back and forth between Zurich and Boston. Okay. And did you go on a romantic first date at the Coolidge Corner movie theater in Coolidge Corner, Brookline? Yes. No, not really. We went to a really you made me very excited for a moment there, Laura, and then you broke my heart like you broke your parents' heart.

I can see this isn't going well for me. No, look, it's your life. Forget them. It's your time now. Live it up. Who cares if they never see you or your not yet born grandchildren or not their not yet born grandchildren ever in their life because you've decided to move to berlin with a german serial killer posing as an online marketer a German serial killer posing as an online marketer. It's just some kind of made up.

How did you guys actually meet? I don't care to hear, if it's not the Coolidge Corner movie theater, I don't want to hear the precise place, but how did you meet? Did you meet through friends? How long have you known each other? um oh we met um we met online and then we became friends and then we kind of started a longish distance relationship well i guess very long distance relationship did you say you met online yeah i see now i am also crying for you. You moved to Berlin with an online stalker?

Well, we had been together for some time with Dominic living in back and forth in Boston before I made the crazy decision to move to another country. But yeah, I hear it. Lots of people, lots of people meet online every day and they're and very few of them are are murdered. on an online dating site or like the discussion forums at the Judge John Hodgman podcast at MaximumFun.org or some other mutual shared interest site? What was the online forum in which you met? It was a dating and friendship site. And I mean, we initially became friends because I was interested in living abroad

and kind of specifically in Germany. I am interested in living abroad in Germany. Are there any German men who want to be my boyfriend? Don't feel like renting an apartment on my own. Willing to trade long-term relationship for part-time use of bathroom in un-air-conditioned home. I just wanted to say that if I had the foresight to plan this so directly, I definitely would have advertised my, my need for air conditioning from the get go.

And that's probably my biggest mistake in this whole thing. This is the crux of the argument. You are the plaintiff. You have brought Dominic, the man who lured you to Berlin to court because, because it turns out the secret windowless hidey hole where he keeps you most of the day does not actually have air conditioning. That's exactly right. What? No, not exactly.

I hope not exactly right. Literally right? Or what exactly do you mean? That's right in spirit oh it's hyperbole a little bit better yeah i will let i will let you out of the windowless soundproof room to be on the judge john hodgman podcast but do not reveal that i keep you in a secret chamber behind my bookshelf oh at least you have a sense of humor about it. No, you do not, to my knowledge, and you've sent me photos of your home, and there are windows. You do not live in a prison cell

manufactured by Dominic for your keeping. You are a mutually agreed upon romantic relationship living together in Berlin. And the only problem in your relationship is that Dominic refuses to get air conditioning in the apartment and summer is on its way. Is that correct? Okay. Yes, that is exactly correct. Okay. Now, have you experienced a summer in Berlin? Kind of, no. Okay. Well I vacationed or I visited or traveled here once two years ago. So I have technically been in the country, um, during, I guess, um, August. Okay. And in the country or in Berlin? In Berlin, I guess both. And it was hot, but I am basing most of my evidence just on looking up what the basic average temperatures and highs are during the summer.

And just from speaking with other people who do live here and hearing their opinion on the level of heat. Did you grow up with air conditioning in the summer in Carthage, North Carolina? Very much so. You did. Yeah. It probably gets pretty hot there, huh? It does. I think it's summer. I mean, summer lasts for a good four months or it's really hot. good four months um or it's really hot and i think um probably in july or august 100 degrees is pretty common and certainly in the 80s and 90s right and your concern is that based on the evidence that you sent in berlin what are the temperatures that you anticipate for the summer in Berlin? Yeah, so I submitted some evidence of the average high temperatures in July.

It's 78 degrees, and then there are, I mean, many days that get well into the 80s. That's the high temperature. Now I'm looking at, I found the link to this website that gives an average weather for July in Berlin, Germany. Month of July, I'm quoting, is characterized by essentially constant daily high temperatures with daily highs around 77 degrees throughout the month, exceeding 88 degrees or dropping below 68 degrees only one day in 10.

That's not very hot. I mean, it's not, no, it's not extremely hot, but I think it is too hot to have no, no way to, to cool down in our apartment. Let me ask Dominic some questions here. Can I ask if you've thought about putting in

a series of pipes that connects to some sort of main source of water so that you could use that to spray yourself? Jesse, what are you talking about? I don't know.

It's a brainstorm I had. I'm not willing to defend it. It's just something I wanted to throw out there. Jesse, are you secretly buzz marketing your new home sprinkler self-cooling set? Well, in my imagination, it would be enclosed with porcelain tiles and some sort of vinyl,

perhaps even whimsically, you know, whimsically decorated vinyl sheet or curtain. Mm-hmm. And it would work sort of in concert with a box that I'm imagining that you would keep in your kitchen. And the box would have two areas. One for, I guess, like if you imagine a river that's frozen in the winter, it's sort of like that inside the one box. And below that, if you imagine like March in minneapolis like very cool but not quite

frozen and that and there you could keep um you know things like strawberries or uh beers uh look rube goldberg i don't know what you've got in mind i guess i'm just brainstorming different ways in a house that you could cool down it's just ways i'm i'm just brainstorming different ways in a house that you could cool down. It's just ways I'm just brainstorming. Well, as I say, I don't know what Jesse has got cooking up there, but what about taking a shower standing in front of the refrigerator? Would that not be acceptable? Or having a nice cool drink of iced tea or becoming a nudist because then

you would have the benefit of not merely getting cool but also driving your parents even more crazy. Dominic? We have a lot of neighbors with small kids, so I don't know if that's really a super practical thing, but in theory, of course, it's a nice idea. Dominic? We have a lot of neighbors with small kids, so I don't know if that's really a super practical thing. But in theory, of course, it's a nice idea. Dominic, is air conditioning pretty common, not so common, or other? I do not know a single person with air conditioning. Right.

It seems seems you know because the the the dum-dum picture that i have of germany is that it's a it doesn't get too hot there does it i mean there are probably a few days in summer where it really gets hot and it really gets into the something like i don't know 90 degree fahrenheit something like that. But it's really only a few days in summer. And yeah, AC is just unknown. And what do people on those hot days, those rare super hot days, how do the German

people cool down? Do they drive fast on the Autobahn with all the windows open? In the nude? I guess there are people that are doing that. Laura, you don't know this, but Germany is famous for its nudists. Well, I think the biggest difference here is that the houses are, in general,

differently constructed. Okay. So, well, you, Laura, grew up in a wooden house, all the buildings here, and we moved in in a completely newly built building, and so all walls are isolated and all windows have these three layers of glass, super isolated,

so it doesn't get too cold and it doesn't get too warm. Right. And no one can hear the screaming because of the triple layers of glass. Exactly. So you're living essentially in a wine cellar. But this is new construction, right? So it's new construction and it does not, it's not as though you're living in an old building. It's new construction and they didn't even bother to put in air conditioning, did they?

No, they didn't. Of course not. Because it's not needed. All right. Have you noticed a change in temperature over the summers since your childhood? No, I don't think so. Has it gotten noticeably hotter? No, I don't think so. Has it gotten noticeably hotter? No, definitely not.

So you are a climate change denier? Well, let me correct it. At least not for Germany. It didn't noticeable change in my personal experience. Right. Have you noticed, regardless of change in temperature, have you noticed a change in my personal experience. Right. Have you noticed, regardless of change in temperature, have you noticed a change in Germans' attitudes towards air conditioning? In other words, has it become more common at all?

Or, you know, as people have made more money and new buildings are built, is it more common than it was when you were a kid, or is it more or less the same? No, it's completely the same. But what's pretty common, and I experienced it more and more since I've just traveled more in the last few years, and I traveled more for business in a few years, that it seems to be a common theme among Germans to say or have conversations like oh you're you were over in the US recently how was the trip and the reply was something like mmm was good but but you know the air-conditioned it was so cold all the time that's so the whole the whole concept that you cool down with an air conditioning machine to a temperature that is lower than in winter when you turn on the heat sounds

not great for me that's what all the germans are talking about when they talk about the u.s when you go to a german when you go to a german stand-up comedy club they're like what is up with all of the air conditioning in the united states germans air conditioned like this. Germans air condition like this. Americans air condition like this. I could imagine that feeling. Yeah. All right.

But here's another point, though. You are an almost 30-year-old professional person. Laura, do you have a profession? Yes. I am a slightly younger but still professional person. Laura, do you have a profession? Yes, I am a slightly younger but still professional person. I didn't mean for that to come off so defensive. No, I understand. You've probably had this conversation with your mom and dad many times.

I have. What is your profession? I do web and mobile design and development stuff okay and and so part of the reason i came was actually for yeah professional opportunities because there's a lot of that here yeah berlin is happening isn't it it is totally i would like to go visit it and maybe i will stay with you guys please feel invited would you prefer air conditioning or i'm going to stay out air 80 degrees well you know what? I'm going to decide that over the course of this very podcast.

But my feeling is so long as I put the lotion in the basket and I don't get the hose, I'll probably feel fine with whatever guest quarters you have to offer. Excellent. Well, and you asked earlier what Germans do to prevent the heat in summer. And, I mean, it's pretty easy to, with a little bit of discipline, to just turn or close the blinds in the morning on really hot days and don't let the sunshine in the whole day. Doing this one three second of work in the morning would probably prevent on all five hot days in summer that we're dying here of heat. But like this is just like exactly what sounds so horrible to me like the idea that we could get through this summer by just having never opening like any of the doors or windows and having just the blinds constantly

drawn and just sitting in this dark airless all our windows are going northward. So how long does the sun bother us here at all? Do you also run your washing machine continuously and just throw clothes in as needed? No. Whom are you asking, Jesse? I'm asking Laura. I feel like Laura's contempt for anything other than just the most profligate use of energy is a stunt. Like she's like, I feel like she's like offended if you don't use photovoltaic cells as toilet paper. if you don't use photovoltaic cells as toilet paper. Well, Laura, Bailiff Jesse raises a good point,

which is, you know, Dominic knows the direction in which the windows face. He understands in a way that people who don't have air conditioners understand the motion of the sun and its effect upon life in a closed environment, an apartment that faces north isn't going to get a whole ton of direct sunlight. And therefore, it won't heat up quite as much as it would if it were facing south. And the truth is that you probably have never developed those instincts because you and mom and dad have been running the AC at top notch down in Carthage all summer long. Because you have to. Otherwise, you cannot live properly. Right.

Or let's just say it would be rather more uncomfortable than it would be in Berlin. But Dominic, aside from closing the steel shutters on all of your windows and sitting quietly in a room in Lederhosen and nothing else, and then just staring grimly at each other. There is an accusation on the table that you are addicted to warm temperatures. Laura, tell me about tropical islands. Gladly. So, okay, this is a definite one of my main points, is that I don't trust Dominic at all because... In general?

Well, at least especially as this heat topic is concerned because he prefers a resting temperature to be a good 10 degrees warmer than I do, if not more. that I do, if not more. So, for example, we went to this thing called Tropical Islands, which is this huge biodome about 40 minutes train ride south of Berlin. And it's, yeah, this simulated tropical environment with like kind of vaguely Asian temple ruins and like peacocks and lots of pools and sand and drinks. And it's great. But, um, you know, I have to say just so just to clarify for the listeners, when we say tropical islands, we are not talking about the generic form of islands, which are tropical. Tropical Islands is a brand name for this domed

resort in Germany, right? Right. Where is it in Germany? Gosh, Germany, how far away? Like 20? Like 40 minutes away from Berlin. Okay, so it's near Berlin. It was used to build...

What was it used to build? They tried to build a huge Zeppelin in it. And the company got bankrupt and now they used the huge hall for the Zeppelin for this amusement park. This domed amusement park is a failed

Zeppelin factory? There are two hot air balloons in it and you can go on rides in them. I did not know there were hot air balloons in it, and you can go on rides in them. Yeah, no, well, I did not know there were hot air balloons in this thing. Look, everybody, I spent a lot of time. I'm sorry. This case was interesting before, but we've got a new set of discussion.

Hang on. I'm going to check out. Normally, I don't allow the mentioning of brand names on the podcast, but I will buzz market the heck out of this place. Hang on. I'm going to watch this video. Tropical Islands. This is a video on their website.

Okay, everybody. First of all, at 06 in this two-minute video, the opening scene is a tour bus driving through a heavily wooded, thick German forest. And then over the horizon, there's a massive dome. That's the most terrifying thing I've ever seen. And now we're doing some kind of aerial shot of the pool

and beach uh uh system within the dome and the fact that they're doing an aerial shot means that you can fly something in there okay now the music is getting going there are no words in this i'm seeing waterfalls i'm seeing german semi-nudists walking over a bridge. I see a circular water slide. There's some people going down a slide, some kids falling into the water. Flamingos are in this dome. This is like vacationing in the Truman Show. And then there's flowers and there's a Balinese statue

and these people are making sandcastles out of fake sand. And this is the best part. This guy walks in on his girlfriend having massage with the camera right behind him. It's like a weird hidden camera show where he's invading his girlfriend's privacy. And now that she's handing these, okay.

Cause there's a hotel there. So he's handing these two nice semi. Okay. Oh, this is the best part. There's this beach and there are these tents and look, this guy's playing, playing a little guitar for his girlfriend on this fake beach in this tent.

It's like, it's like moonrise kingdom, right? It's like, this is, Oh, Jesse, do you know what this is?

It's a new theme park. It's, it's, it's, it's Wes Anderson land. That's a really good idea. Jesse, that's a good idea for a theme park.

It's like Disneyland, but it's only Wes Anderson movies. And you can live... We have to find a pretty big, undeveloped stretch of Brooklyn. Yeah, I'm going to build a Wes Anderson land. Like, you can live in... You can, like, explore Fantastic Mr. Fox's hole, and then you can take a Darjeeling Express ride,

and it's just... What's nice is that most of his movies do have a few clear cutaway shots to let you know exactly what the layout of whatever the venue is. Right. You can explore the whole ship that Bill Murray runs in the Steve Zissou movie, and it's already cut down in half. So you're falling out of it all the time. And while Wes Anderson hasn't built any Zeppelins yet, you've got to figure by the time we get this thing put together, we should have a Zeppelin ready because he'll have done something Zeppelin-like. If Wes Anderson isn't working on a Zeppelin movie with a cross-section of a Zeelin in it, then, then I don't know Wes Anderson, but it's a great,

and it'll be a theme park. It'll be a theme park. It's for, it's not for children of all ages. It's only for children specifically of the ages 35 to 49. What else is in this thing? Okay. There's a bed bedroom, more, more pools. And this is all inside a dome. is that what you're telling me that's right but and you know yeah it sounds it's so obviously great but dominic complained the whole time that it wasn't warm that it wasn't hot enough that it wasn't realistically simulating a tropical will you please be quiet for a second while I finish watching this video?

Oh, there are boats you can drive around and shoot people with water? There's miniature golf? I want this soap. And then there are rides. Okay, that's enough. Oh, and then there's shows. And then there's dinner. How's the food? How's the food?

It's pretty good. The drinks were better. And then at the very end of it, there's that couple again, they're having a drink and they're looking off at the sunset that doesn't exist because it's inside a dome. They're looking out at a dark, dark wall. This is the most important internet video that I've seen in my life. I want to live. I want life. I want to live there. I want to live there and I want all the rest of society to collapse

as soon as possible so that I can become king of the waterslide dome. The waterslide former Zeppelin dome. Alright, I'm sorry. I got very excited about that. Now, you're saying that it's hot enough in there but not hot enough for dominic that's true dominic was it not hot enough in the in the dome that is true and it really was not hot enough i mean the water is really nice it's like um 28 degrees celsius that's something like 82, probably,

degrees Fahrenheit. And the water temperature was... The water temperature was 82 degrees Fahrenheit? That's not great. That's not good. That's okay. I mean, that's okay. But the temperature itself in the whole dome was just not warm enough and not tropical. Yeah, I think that the website here says 26 degrees celsius average temperature inside the dome and by average and by average they mean by average

they mean it is exactly 26 degrees celsius at all times because they control the dome and it's hard 79 degrees but but wait a wait a minute wait a minute young lady 79 degrees is nothing you grew up in in in north carolina how can i but 79 degrees must be cool for you but but that's kind of the point i guess about air conditioning is that it wasn't like I ever was in those temperatures for a sustained amount of time. I mean, I probably like experienced less hot weather than someone who lived somewhere that didn't get quite as hot, but with less, um, less air conditioning in their lives. So what are the options in terms of air conditioning? in their lives.

So what are the options in terms of air conditioning? Sure. So there are basically two options. One would be to do like the full install. I, I got a few quotes actually. And installation starts around like 1500 Euro, which would be like a little more than $2,000. like that that's kind of the more by full install what what what are we what are we what are we talking about

like installing central air conditioning right yeah are you able to do that Do you own it together? Oh, no. Technically, I probably own it a little bit more. Because you paid for it? In your name? Yeah. This is the first time I've ever heard of a German being loose about technical paperwork when it comes to ownership of things. Well, yeah, I guess maybe I kind of own it. Do you own it, sir?

I do. Yeah. You bought it with your money? I don't pay rent here. Excuse me. I mean, it's not. Excuse me, Laura. Dominic, did you buy this with your euros?

I did. When did you buy it? This year, early this year. Did you buy it then with the intention of cohabitating with Laura? Yes. And how much money did Laura give you? How much did you contribute to the cost of the unit? So far, I think I paid by myself without support.

100% Dominic euros and 0% Laura euros. Yeah. Okay. Laura, so you're living in this house for nothing. Are you paying rent? Yes. You pay for some of the living expenses? Yeah. Yeah.

I don't need to know exact amounts, but do you have any kind of, do you have any kind of arrangement, like specific financial arrangement with regard to the upkeep of the apartment? Or do you just occasionally leave a five Euro tip for him and a little note saying, thanks. What is the arrangement? Stop giggling and answer the question. Well, I kind of my immigration process here and getting a work visa took a little longer than we both expected. So I just kind of finally started my job here.

So we've kind of been waiting for that to get started to hammer out an official agreement. But I definitely, I mean, we plan that I will contribute a market price for the rent and contribute equally to, yeah, utilities. Well, it's not rent exactly. Are you paying, do you have a mortgage, Dominic? No. So you bought it outright? Yeah, correct. Oh. And so your expenses are what when it comes to the apartment? Well, I think there are a few costs, like for all the places that are shared with the whole, I mean, it's not a house. It's just a flat within a large house.

And I think the general costs for all the stuff like the light in the staircase and so come up. And I think it's a pretty small amount. And you will allow electric light in the apartment? Yeah. That's not pushing it, right? You'll have electric light. Will you have heat in the wintertime? Will you have heat in the wintertime? I will have heat in the wintertime.

Okay, good. And then what other costs are associated? Electricity, heat, internet, obviously? Exactly. Stuff like that. Actually, that's all, I think. And are there common charges? That is to say a maintenance fee?

Right. A smaller maintenance fee, the garden, for example. Right, okay. And so, Laura, you will be employed soon? Yeah, I'm employed as of, I guess, two weeks ago now. And we just moved, actually, into this apartment. We've been living in a temporary apartment, and we just moved into this one i guess also two weeks ago so we're also yeah still kind of figuring out like a lot of the details and getting settled don't worry you don't have to worry about i've got it all figured out when you when you start making money you are going to pay for half of the real costs, the real monthly

costs of the apartment, right? Yeah. Yeah. That's what you're going to pay. Half of all the charges, all the electrical, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the common charges and everything else. Right. And you're, and you're going to pay for half of the, the, you know, the grocery bill and

half, half. That's what you're going to pay half. And I do not recommend that you pay any rent because this apartment is owned by Dominic, not by you. And Dominic, if your relationship with Laura doesn't work out and she moves out, you still have that equity. That's yours. That belongs to you.

Don't charge your girlfriend rent. That's weird. Don't charge your girlfriend rent. She should pay. She's professional on behalf. You're a very nice person who is letting your girlfriend live in the home that you own, unless you have enough money to buy out half of the apartment and then get your name put on the, you know, the deed or whatever it is. And you know,

whatever the 9,000 syllable word is in German for certificate of ownership of an apartment. And you know, that, that might be, that might be worth your while, but right now this is not your apartment. You are living in Dominic's apartment and you're paying for half of the cost of, of the upkeep of the apartment is just what a normal person would do. Right. And I say this because, you know, people should do whatever they like and, and, and living together without being married is fine. I don't know why people want

to do it. To me, it's like, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're getting all of the, um, all, all of the boring parts of marriage, which is to say the financial partnership, the financial partnership and the, and the, and the smelling of bodily odors and the seeing of things you shouldn't have to see with none of the protections, none of the legal protections of marriage, but that's okay. You can do it. You can,

you can do whatever you want, but this isn't, this isn't your home until you, until you buy half of it from Dominic and he may or may not wish to sell it to you because he's a weirdo who found you on the internet. So who knows? But I do. So, yeah, totally.

Also, to that point, I can understand installing something permanent might be a little bit outside of my right to demand. But there is a more. You wouldn't be able to do it. You wouldn't be able to do it without his consent. But if since he does not want air conditioning, and you do, and if Central Air, installing Central Air or some kind of system into the apartment, and I'm having a hard time figuring out how you would do this, would you have to have like a unit placed outside that would pump air into vents in the walls that you would have installed? Is that how it would work? Yes. Right?

And that unit might be like an over-the-window unit or somewhere in the apartment, is there going to be a unit sticking out into the room? Or is there going to be a unit hanging on? Is this a second floor, third floor, first floor apartment? It's two floors, two small floors. It's on the first floor, though. Oh, so you have two floors.

Yeah. And so would you hang some kind of machine on the outside exterior wall? Well, that's kind of what i do want to recommend and just in the bedroom because that's it's really like after everything is said and done it's just like sleeping at night in a terribly hot room that is the worst idea i can imagine and that's like what i would i guess most want to avoid so i submitted a few links of this like contraption. It's basically like a space heater for air conditioning. But German windows work kind of totally differently.

So you can't have that kind of traditional like window unit that perches on the window. Okay, so you sent in. perches on the window. Okay, so you sent in... So what I'm looking at, for those of you who are listening, these are an alternative to the central air or more permanent fixture that

Laura has proposed that would cost, what did you say, about $2,000? Yeah, so the central one would cost about $2,000, and this would be more like... No, no, that's okay. Just so about $2,000, and this would be more like... Sorry. No, no, that's okay. So just so that people can picture this, this is like having a huge box, a huge metallic box sitting under your windowsill with a giant air duct.

cell with a, with a giant air duct, uh, you know, like a, a giant, a giant flexible tube that goes up to the three inches of window that is exposed when you open a German window, which is a German window angles in from the top. Right. Is that what I'm seeing? And it is, it is about as elegant and, uh, and aesthetically pleasing as the sets from Terry Gilliam's Brazil. I'm glad that even though you don't recognize Some Like It Hot by the Power Station, your knowledge of 80s culture does extend to dystopian horror comedies. Yeah, that's not...

This thing... Does anyone have these things in Berlin, Dominic? Have you ever seen one? No, I mean, I've never met anybody who owns any of these machines. This would be like putting not R2-D2, but one of the weirder astromech droids under, you know, next to your bed and then running a huge dryer tube from it into some into some plastic sheeting that that attaches to to your window. it is dumb looking. You say they look like old timey robots in your, uh, in your brief here, Laura, which I think you mean as, as an attractive, uh, principle, but is in fact terrifying.

Let me ask you this question, Laura, if you were to get permanent air conditioning, the central air equivalent for $2,000, could you afford to pay for that entirely by yourself? Not today. Okay. No. Could you buy a menacing R2D2 with a tube attached to it? Could you pay for that entirely by yourself? I think I could pay for that by myself. And because we do have such a well-insulated apartment, I don't think the upkeep and the utility cost per month would be very expensive at all. You mean the additional electricity? Right, exactly.

That sounds very vague for me. It should not be. We have no idea how much the energy costs would be, actually. And these machines are huge and loud, and they run on normal power. Right. And sometimes they come to life and try to strangle you with their tubes. Don't forget about that. That's additionally annoying, yeah.

Laura, when you grew up in Carthage north carolina and you had air conditioning do you have did you have central air in your house or did you have a window unit in your bedroom um we had central air conditioning and do you have a nostalgic attraction or do you have a nostalgic affection for falling asleep in a super cold uh bedroom yes bedroom? Yes, so much. I do really love air conditioning actually and I think exactly as much as Dominic hates it and for all of the same reasons. Why do you hate air conditioning Dominic? So it's loud additionally. It not only makes it way cooler than I'm comfortable with, it also makes it loud and I really hate that. And I hate the idea of having any kind of huge machine in an apartment that is not super big. apartment that is not super big.

And while two floors sound gigantic, it's basically one room in the ground floor and the rest of the flat is in the first floor. So we would not have even space for that. You did send in a picture of your apartment. Let me take a look at it here. Well, first of all, it seems lovely. You have those weird windows that... Dominic, why are German windows so terrible and dumb? They're not.

Actually, what you're seeing is the second mode of opening a window. You can open that window or that door, what you're looking at, like just a normal window on the left angle. And if you want to only open it half, then you just open it on the left angle. And if you want to only open it half, then you just open it on the second mode. I don't need a two-mode window. You lift it up and it's open. You close it and it's closed.

I don't want to angle it in. Think of the head injuries alone as you're walking by a window that is angled into your house. I'd be slamming my elbow against that all the time. I don't think that ever happened in the history of these kind of windows. But there's a specific purpose for the opening in thing, which is something that is also kind of an issue in this case,

which is that Germans have a weird thing about blowing air and the need to do something called Lufting which Dominic can explain way better than I can. Lufting? Yeah that's where you build a Zeppelin inside. What is Lufting and what is German's problems with blowing air? Not at all. The difference is like when you have a really well isolated house, then you need... I really appreciate the pride you take in the isolation of your house. But I think you mean insulated.

I mean insulated, actually. That's true. Right. Okay. Thanks for not correcting me all the time. Okay. But if you have that... I don't think it's wrong. I don't think you're using the term. I understand what you're saying because it is...

But just for our listeners, I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm just... So our listeners understand. You're talking about you have a well-insulated house, So our listeners understand you're talking about you have a well insulated house, triple pane windows and thick walls that keep the interior temperature stable. Correct? Right. Okay, good. Totally correct.

So when you have a well isolated house. Right. Then you don't have any exchange of air. Which is the thing that Germans hate the most. I can't speak for all Germans, but at least what Laura is talking about is Lüften in this case. And what she means is that it's come to just open the window for, I don't know, 10 minutes to let fresh air in and let the old air out and to reduce the humidity from, I don't know, after showering or so, because the air does not exchange because it is insulated.

When you do the Lufthansa, when you do the air exchange and you open the window for 10 minutes, do you have a stopwatch and do you have a barometer? I don't think I need a stopwatch. I think I can just feel when 10 minutes are over. Okay. Okay. Laura, when you said that Germans dislike rushing air, Did you mean Dominic dislikes it? Breezes?

And you were just trying to put it on all Germans? Or have you noticed in your experience in Berlin that every time a nice cool breeze hits a German man or woman, they go, oh, that is terrible? No, it really is. I think at least within all of the German-speaking countries, there's actually a Wikipedia page about it that notes that this is only a belief

that's held within the German-speaking countries. How did you not give me that Wikipedia page as evidence? I mean, sorry. And there's a word for it. No, no, no, that's something completely different. Well, of course there's a word for it. It's Germany. There's a word for it. No, no, no. That's something completely different. Well, of course there's a word for it. It's Germany. There's a word for everything.

But what, if I were to find this Wikipedia page, how would I find this page that describes the German aversion to breezes? I don't know. Give me a search term, anything. Luften. Zugluft. Oh, we got it. How does he spell that?

It means train air Spell it for me Z-U-G-L-U-F-T Zugluft Zugluft Zugluft Oh, but I need to be searching in Zugluft

Zugluft Zugluft Zug It's Zugluft. Zugluft. So what Laura is talking about is Zugluft. And actually the first hint I get here is... Luftzug. I've got it. But it's in German. It's in German.

But the first result I get here from this search engine is a German magazine. And the title of this article about Zugluft is the demon of the window. The demon of the window! That's pretty intense. It's not just you, Dominik, it's your whole, it's all of your countrymen and women. Yeah, that's actually what the Wikipedia article says. But okay, to clarify that, so what we're talking about is, it's the fear

of, well, in the German speaking countries that when you're sitting in flowing air, you get sick. And it seems like this fear is only common and only known in German speaking countries. But that's a little

thing. It's not merely a fear, a contempt for drafts. That's a good way to put it. But it's also the reason we can't have just a normal fan in our bedroom, which would also be, I don't know, I'd settle for that. I learned that from my mom that when you're sitting too close, you get sick. You learned that from my mom that when you're sitting in Zugluft, you get sick. You learned that from your mother? Well, like every other German, yeah.

Yeah. And when you sit in Zugluft, you get sick. That's true. Now, your roommate, Laura just said that she would settle for a fan. Is a fan acceptable to you? When? In which situation? Like the whole night?

Yeah. A fan, a whole, like a box fan or what we call a box fan in English, blowing on Laura the whole night long. Sounds terrible, but... Nine. He says nine. What about a ceiling fan?

What about a ceiling fan? Thank you, Jesse. Ceiling fan. They don't have those here either because of the fear. Because of the fear of the demon up the window. Right. here either because of the fear because of the fear of the demon of the window right why manufacture a demon that sits on your ceiling and does this terrible thing that makes you sick i really think we would have to import that yeah i don't think we have a we can buy that anyway okay Okay. So no air moving. Do Germans also have a contempt for cooling through evaporation? I don't think so.

All right. Well, one question that I have for you before I make my decision, Dominic, why don't you want Laura, the woman you have kidnapped from her home, to be happy in her new home? I want us both to be happy. And you believe that any form of artificial cooling and or air moving across your body would make you so unhappy that Laura's unhappiness is meaningless to you? I doubt that Laura would be not happy when she experiences

her first summer in Berlin. I just doubt that it's needed and that she would be. But is it that you just doubt that it's needed or Right. And that she would be. But is it that you just doubt that it's needed? Or do I sense correctly that you are actively against an air conditioner for aesthetic reasons? Yeah, I'm actively. And for fear of wind reasons. I'm actively against an air condition. an air condition. If Laura would feel terrible in summer, I would discuss the some kind of fan, whatever kind of fan.

And Laura, one question for you before I make my decision. Have you ever seen the television program House Hunters International? Yes. This is on HGTV. It's the program where married or unmarried couples decide to leave their homes for mysterious reasons, probably because they're in trouble with the law, to move to another country where they look at apartments and at homes and wonder why they don't have gigantic three-car garages and what the mysterious array of holes and basins constitute the toilet. Have you ever seen this show? I have. Yeah. Do you ever watch the show and go, I can't believe these Americans are moving to this European country and they want everything to be like it was in America. Isn't that why they're moving to enjoy another culture? Do you ever say that to yourself? Yeah. Okay. I think I have everything I need in order to make my decision. I'm going to move the array of stuffed

animals that are blocking the draft from my door to my chambers so that I can get in there and I'll be, I'll think this over and then I'll come back with my decision in a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Laura, how are you feeling about your chances? Not good. I mean, your whole thing is cockamamie. Well, this was kind of my last appeal. Don't you feel like, though, your chances really rallied at the end when we found out about this crazy German belief in draft demons? I would say that was probably the high point of my argument. Well, I think we can agree the high point of this whole thing was just that discussion of that indoor tropical theme park.

Dominic, how are you feeling? I feel pretty confident that at least we won't have an air conditioning here. We'll have to see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about this when we come back in just a second. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In.

Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made-in pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're made-in, made-in. The Rohan duck, made-in, made-in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in, made in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can

own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In.

Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit MadeInCookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning, causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. Let's hear the sound.

Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world, and you get to hear this sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound.

Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom. So, you know, I do sympathize with you, Laura, because I love air conditioning. I love it a lot. And not because I grew up with it.

I mean, I did. But not because I grew up with it in a pervasive way. I grew up with it when it was an extremely limited resource. And when I grew up in the Boston area in the 70s and 80s, for a long time in our house, we had only one air conditioner. It was in my parents' bedroom. A lot of people didn't have air conditioners in Massachusetts because the summers could get hot, but people in Massachusetts hate themselves and therefore don't want to be comfortable. And also they hate spending money.

So you might have a box air conditioner or an in-window air conditioner, I should say, for extreme weather events and not otherwise. And indeed, my mom and dad had an air conditioner in their bedroom. And as the summer got hotter and hotter and hotter, I was still young. I would lobby to move in the mattress from my bed into their room so that I could sleep through the hottest nights there. And I was 10 years old at the most. Okay, I'm not talking about doing this when I was 19. I'm not that much of a weird only child.

And I remember so distinctly the feeling of utter and complete relief because the reality was it could get hot in the summer in Boston. And I remember specifically one day, it was really hot in June. It was the last day of school. Somehow at school, it must have been something like sixth grade or fifth grade or something. And somehow at school, I had come into the possession of a small potted Venus flytrap. Oh, I remember what it was. They were selling them at the Star Market. And I got one after school. And then I came home. And I was so excited because I had a Venus flytrap. I had convinced my mom and dad to let me sleep on a mattress on the floor of their room,

directly underneath the air conditioner. It must have been 98 degrees, burning up outside. I walked into that room. I turned on that air conditioner, and I just stared at that Venus flytrap. I'm like, I cannot wait to feed this thing some hamburger and get this summer going. And the Freon just blasting onto my face. I was like, you know,

forget about the fear of the demon in the draft. I was like, bring it on, possess me devil of the wind. I wanted, I wanted, I wanted that thing to get so deep into me that no exorcist could ever take it out. And I, and I, and to me that, that is, that is the beauty of summertime sleeping until, until later in the summer when you've gone through it night after night after night, and you're waking up and you can barely talk because your mouth is so dry and you feel awful.

Because a little goes a long way, and too much air conditioning can really make you feel sick after a while. And so I'm with you. I'm totally with you. I love it, and I would find it hard to adapt. But the thing is, Laura, I think you understand that you don't want to be the people in House Hunters International who show up to an apartment in Greece or England or France or Germany or whatever. And they want it to be exact. They don't understand why it can't be exactly like it is at home. You know, you've made a decision, uh, to, to, to break your parents' hearts and, and run off with a German man from the internet and start a new life for yourself in a new country.

You wouldn't have done it if a, you didn't, uh, uh, love, or at least like a whole lot, if a you didn't uh uh love or at least like a whole lot this dominic fellow and b if you did not want to have the adventure of living in another country and sadly for you the the germans are a race of superstitious weirdos who think that the wind is evil and uh and and and and refuse refuse to even have an open window unless they are obliged to open the window for a set period of time in order to affect a certain amount of air and heat exchange and then close it.

Because otherwise they're all going to get sick. So you are in now the most air-conditioning, unfriendly place that I have ever heard of. and now the most air conditioning, unfriendly place that I have ever heard of. And I'm afraid that it's just the choice that you've made. You know, you, not only does the culture that you have chosen to live in, uh, dislike air conditioning such that it is a running joke among them, but also the man that you are pledged to live with, never mind who owns the apartment.

Because honestly, in a romantic relationship hall, that garbage goes out the window until you guys break up and then it becomes really important. But the man you choose to live with actively does not want what it is that you want. So you are unlucky. However, I think that you are lucky too, because I don't think that you are going to find, this is just a guess based on the evidence that you submitted, I don't think you are going to find that the summer is going to be particularly unbearable. And since you are overseas and embarking on a new adventure with a man that you met on the Internet,

I think you owe it to yourself and to him to enjoy the full experience of that cultural immersion, to test for yourself how the summer is going to go, to see if you are right or if you are wrong, and to take pleasure as your boyfriend goes through his weird ritual of opening the window for a period of time before shutting the drapes completely in order to stave off

hated yellow sun. I should have said yellow face. That the name of that's what the name that that's what gollum calls the sun in the lord of the rings evil yellow face uh and to and to watch him go through this ritual and to either realize oh there is another way to live and this works pretty good and as long as i'm not the one holding the stopwatch, I can do this, or at least to enjoy the pleasure of your boyfriend making a fool of himself. And at the end of the summer, you guys can have a frank conversation about whether or not this is going to work for you, Laura.

I'm talking about your relationship, but also the air conditioning situation. And living in a foreign country and having to be in a foreign culture that does not like everything that you like. And it may be that the compromise of a fan, an aesthetically pleasing, non-haunted fan, may just do the trick for you. And if it doesn't, then you will have, I think, a harder conversation to have than just do we need air conditioning.

That said, when you have that conversation at the end of the summer, I am ordering you to go to the tropical islands, self-contained bio. That conversation has to happen there. And I will say this, uh, do you have a spare bedroom in your apartment in Germany? No. Okay. Well then that's fine. Cause I really didn't want to visit you. But you do sound like nice people.

And when you make your next plan to go to tropical islands, let me know because I might want to go too. I really want to see that place. I don't understand why we don't have one right now in the United States. I mean, we have water parks, but seriously? A former Zeppelin factory turned into a self-contained fake Balinese lagoon? It's the most important thing that I've ever encountered. In any case, I find in favor of Dominic for one summer only

to be revisited during a conversation underneath a geodesic dome sometime this fall. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Laura, you've got a summer to think this over. How are you feeling? I am anxious, but I think the rulings seem pretty fair overall.

Do you think you're going to be able to deal with it when it's 84 degrees outside in the middle of August and all you have to keep you cool is three layers of glass and a perfect seal and a variety of other new green technologies that are designed specifically to keep you cool? I think you might find me standing in front of the refrigerator nullifying all of the good effects of our energy reducing. Dominic, how are you feeling? Good, good. I think it's a good result. I'm looking forward to a summer that will be probably not as bad as Laura imagined. And I'm pretty sure that probably these four days where it's

really unbearable, we're probably not here anyway, but on travel in, I don't know, a cooler place. Dominic, can I suggest that you buy your girlfriend one of those hats with the funny gel inserts that you can put in the freezer? That sounds like a great idea. Okay, well, Laura, Dominic, thank you so much for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Yeah, see you guys in the massage rooms. John Hodgman podcast.

Yeah. See you guys. Thank you very much. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, the JV club with Janet Varney is part of the curriculum for the school year.

Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go.

Judge Hodgman, if you don't mind turning up that air conditioner, I am boiling in here. I don't want to let the demon in. There is a ghost in this air conditioning unit. A spirit of air, a wind demon that wants to enter me. That is why I'm wearing this stuffed cat as a scarf. Maybe we should just clear out the docket and see if that cools us down. Let's do that. Here's something from Jamie.

I'm a runner, and I often run on the same route along a street that has some expensive houses. Let's do that. installed a garden down to the edge of his property. He's erected posts and string around the garden to keep me from running through it. In the early spring, the string barriers are probably also meant to allow new grass to grow. Do I have the right to cut across the lawns? Cut the string barriers? This is an interesting question. I've been running, Jesse. I've been running for exercise on a treadmill like an animal and now out in the world.

And it's taken me a long time to get good enough to run for longer than 30 seconds at a time. And I've really been enjoying it. And I have various tricks that I use to keep going through profound discomfort, pain, and out of breathness that running causes in all human beings. Certain kinds of music, certain refocusing of my eyes on the distance and recalibrating my stance so that different muscles are being tormented by the road at different times. But of all of these techniques I've used to keep going while running and to motivate my continued running, I had never considered spite. I had never considered class warfare.

Jamie is running out of spite. He or she? Do we know? Is it female or male Jamie? Unisex Jamie is running on the lawns of people that she hates because they live

or that he hates because these people live in a tony neighborhood where you can just feel the contempt dripping off of unisex Jamie's off of unisex jamie's tongue as unisex jamie describes all the ways that these people are taking over the neighborhood with their rumble strips and their their straight to the straight to the street lawns and the special string they're using to protect their little gardens. Jamie could choose any place to run,

but unisex Jamie chooses this street in order to trample the flowers of the wealthy and the well-to-do and claiming that it is self-defense. Well, unisex Jamie, I like your style. I think that you have the right to dodge out of an oncoming car, even if you are putting yourself routinely in danger of being in front of those cars.

You have a right to defend yourself, of course. You could research whether, in fact, the owner does, in fact, own the land all the way down to the street. It may be that that is not true. down to the street. It may be that that is not true. Or if legally he or she must provide some right of way to the public who might be walking along that street. It may not be legal for the owner of that property to be doing what he or she is doing.

But even if you don't do that, you should be aware and be honest. You are running on people's lawns because you hate them. And how would you feel if someone was doing that to you? Maybe you should avoid the street and try to become a better person. Or maybe you should just trample their tulips. But be honest about what's going on here. I'm amazed that he or she runs up and down the

same street and is so spiteful about this street that while one side of the street has a sidewalk, he or she chooses to run up and down on opposite sides of the street, specifically in an effort to have to jump into the people's lawns. He or she could just run up and down the sidewalk side, up the sidewalk side, then turn around and go back down the sidewalk side. But in a commitment to running on the right-hand side and or trampling has decided not to do that. It reminds me of the only other previous time I had ever run for exercise for any regular length of time. I was in college, and at one point I decided

I would try running through the Grove Street Cemetery in New Haven, which is the big old cemetery, and running up and down the lanes of that cemetery. It's a beautiful cemetery, but pretty soon, almost without thinking, I was like, the lanes are not enough for me. I have to leap over graves. I have to tell these dead people it's my time now. I am young, and I am running over your dead bones, people from the past.

And then I felt very bad about myself. And I never did it again. Here's a question from Joe. My wife wants to purchase a robotic vacuum sweeper. I am opposed. An RS, an RVS? Yeah, exactly. We won't use brand names, but we'll call it, you know, it's a classic RVS. We have two Labrador retrievers and frequently dog sit for friends and neighbors,

so we often sweep and clean up dog hair. I've become a flinty New Englander in the last decade and prefer to use a trusty broom and dustpan to clean this up. I'm sure that you'll rule in my favor if you remember my submission of a hobo nickel for the areas of expertise. It was a nickel with a picture of a dog glued to it. And of course, I chose flight. Just because you send me nickels through the mails and made the wrong choice of a superpower with regard to a This American Life story I did a long time ago does not entitle you to a

favorable ruling from me. I resent. I resent your bribery, sir. I resent that it came in the form of self-congratulation for sending me a hobo nickel, which wasn't, now that I think of it, even a hobo nickel, because a hobo nickel has a carved image on it, not a nickel with a picture of a dog pasted to it. Most RVSs cost between $300 and $500

based on my research. Jonathan Colton had one for a long time. He doesn't have one any longer. I think that speaks volumes. As much as you attest to being a flinty New Englander, I don't think a broom and dustpan is going to do it for your dog hair. So I think you're both wrong. I don't think that you can clean up all that dog hair with a broom

and dustpan. You got to get some lint roller action in there and you got to get some kind of vacuum cleaner. And I also would say that probably the robot vacuum cleaner is not quite going to work either, because how are you going to get the dog hair off the furniture and all that stuff, even if it does work better than Jonathan Colton's did? And I'm not mentioning any brand names. That said, the idea of having a little cute disc roaming around your house, hoovering up stuff, using an AI algorithm,

may be too much of a temptation for your wife to pass up. And because you tried to bribe me, I'm going to find in her favor. You should get that robot, put it in the house, see what happens, see if it works. Write in and let me know if it does, write in and let me know if it doesn't. I'll tell you one thing. I enjoyed using Jonathan's little disc-shaped robotic vacuum cleaner as the planchette in a giant Ouija board that I made once. I think that's what they're good for. Don't bribe me again, sir. Don't send me pictures of dogs. don't bribe me again sir don't send me pictures of dogs do you have any big shows coming up hodgman you seem to seem like things are a little quieter uh here in late spring early summer whatever we're in well i'm i'm getting i'm getting into i'm getting into the period of time when i

retreat to new england to uh to hide um and and plan my newer schemes, but I do have some shows coming up. My show at Largo on May 29th is sold out, I believe. You may check the internet and see for sure. But I believe that that is sold out and I'm going to see a lot of Max Fun Consters there

and some of the people are going to be going on theboatparty.biz in July, which you should be checking out yourself are going to be going on theboatparty.biz in July, which you should be checking out yourself. I will be going to Santa Fe. A second show has been added in Santa Fe for John Roderick and Mai's command appearance before George R.R. Martin at the Cocteau Theater, a movie theater that George R.R. Martin bought in order to lure people to his home so that he could entertain himself and others there who buy tickets.

Second show has been added, and that is not sold out. And then I've added a bunch of new dates for the fall, including North Carolina, Philadelphia, Northampton, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, Akron, Ohio. And you can find out all of those details at johnhodgman.com slash tour or join my mailing list at bit.ly slash hodgemail and if you want to get in on boatparty.biz before the ticket prices go up, you should get your tickets right now

I think you'll really enjoy spending some summer time with me and some totally amazing comedians and musicians and some barracudas and amazing water slides and all kinds of cool Bahamas stuff. And it's just so fun. It is so fun. I can't even begin to tell you. BoParty.biz for that. I can attest that it is very, very fun. Bullparty.biz for that.

I can attest that it is very, very fun. If you want to submit a case name for Judge John Hodgman, just go to our Facebook group and like it, our Facebook page and like it. Search for Judge John Hodgman. You can follow us on Twitter at Hodgman and at Jesse Thorne. This week's case named by Jason Puckett. Thanks, Jason. Our producer is Julia Smith.

Our editor is Mark McConville. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you to the whole world. That is all. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

Listener supported.