Judge John Hodgman - Corn Husk Dolls and Pumpkinheads

Episode Date: September 23, 2020

Time to clear the docket! Judge Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse discuss card game etiquette, tea bags in the garbage disposal, taco night, hat problems, waking up one's significant other, and jorts.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket. With me, as always, is clear breathing East Coaster, Judge John Hodgman. On top of everything else is a dense layer of smoky apocalyptic fog and fear and anxiety. How are you holding up, Jesse? Are you okay or okay minus? Well, I'm definitely okay minus overall. But in the context of the smogulous smoke that's outside of my home, it's going okay. side of my home, it's going okay. I somehow ordered two air purifiers two days before the air got bad here in Los Angeles, one for the upstairs of my home and one for the downstairs of my home. I don't know why I did it. I think I was just looking for some way to fill the hole in my heart left by the nightmare that is 2020. And I thought, yeah, maybe this will get

rid of my persistent anxiety throat ache. It hasn't, but it has kept my, kept my family healthy to the extent that we've stayed indoors. I'm very glad to hear that. Um, I also have been indulging in some self-care, you know, I try, I try to watch a little bit of a movie every night because what else is there to do? Sure. And on top of all of this, I, this is a minor thing, but there's some justice that needs to be served to a particular actor in my self-care routine. I just, I know nostalgia is a toxic impulse, but it's less toxic than everything else this year. but it's less toxic than everything else this year. And I decided to go back and revisit Superman,

the movie directed by Richard Donner, 1978, starring Christopher Reeve, which is a delight. You've seen it. Surely. I've seen Chris Superman, the movie. Yeah. And I've seen the one where he's ends nuclear weapons. That's like Superman four or five or something. The war for peace, Superman for the war for peace. So look, Richard Donner is an amazing director. This thing has a look and feel that veers between pure fun and pure reverence. It's playful.

It's lyrical. It's wonderful. Margot Kidder recites a poem. Christopher Reeve is the greatest of all supermans. But here's the thing, Jesse, when was the last time you saw it? Oh, 25 years ago. Yeah. I mean, it's been the years for me. And I did not notice until now I am a grown man, I did not notice that the person that they cast as young Clark Kent is also a grown man. And I know in the 70s, like I figured like he's supposed to be in high school and he's clearly a grown man.

The actor's named Jeff East. And he was either 20 or 21 years old when they filmed it. But because it was the 70s, all male actors looked like they were 38 anyway. With the exception of Christopher Reeve, who kind of looked like he was 21 years old, even though he was older. The entire nation was afflicted with a case of Burt Reynolds-itis. Yeah. Who was offered the role, by the way, of Superman. Wow.

Turned it down. James Caan. Who knew that Superman loved chewing gum so much? And smirking. And smirking in a rapscallion-y way. They didn't want to give the role to Christopher Reeve because he looked too young and skinny. But then when they're casting Clark Kent as a young man, they get a skinny grown-up. Now, that's okay.

That's just how it goes. When I was a kid, I never noticed. I never noticed that this grown-up looked like a grown-up because I thought all teenagers were grown-ups. They had, their children actors could have been hired, but they didn't. Right. Now I understand.

Now I see it. But what I remembered of Jeff East's performance as a young Clark Kent is this is a terrific performance. And it is. He's really, really good at it. And we're lucky to have seen him running fast by that train. What I didn't know until I looked him up, because I was like, whatever happened to that guy? First of all, this guy, the indignities they heaped upon this grown man. first of all this guy the indignities they heaped upon this grown man not only did they redub all of his dialogue christopher reeve is speaking every line that that guy speaks

i never knew that they redubbed jeffy's dialogue with christopher reeve's voice and they applied prosthetic makeup to this guy to make him look more like Christopher Reeve. They could have just hired Christopher Reeve and made him wear like a college sweater or something. Just giving him a Jughead hat. Exactly. Exactly. A fur coat and a little rah-rah banner or something. And had him sit on a telephone pole.

Yeah, exactly. I guess that would be college. That would be appropriate for a 20- rah-rah banner or something. And had him sit on a telephone pole. Yeah, exactly. I guess that would be college. That would be appropriate for a 20-year-old man. Yeah. 21-year-old man, maybe, depending on when they filmed it. Anyway, Jeff East, though, given all of this hassle and indignity, like when Pa Kent succumbs to the heart attack, spoiler alert, Jeff East is so good when he finds that little green glowy crystal that becomes a fortress of solitude when he says goodbye to his mom. He's amazing.

Why didn't he work more? And he didn't, perhaps because people saw him in Superman and like, that's not a teenager. That's a grown man with lumps on his head to make him look like Christopher Reeve. He was only in a very few movies other than that, including Up the Creek with Tim Matheson, Animal House Ripoff, which I did not see, and a Wes Craven movie, and Pumpkinhead, the horror movie directed by Stan Winston, Creature Effects master Stan Winston, which I also never saw. Noah, I'll leave his last name out because he now works as a political consultant. I don't want to embarrass him. But my friend Noah was convinced that the DMX song up in here went, y'all gonna make me lose my mind. Pumpkin head, pumpkin head. Not the strongest DMX impression from me, by the way. Obviously, I couldn't tell. Sorry. Sounded a little bit like a southern cookie monster. DMX is from New York.

Plus, I should have thrown in a few dog barks at the end just to make it clear that I was doing DMX. I forgive you you did a good job just like jeff east did you know what you didn't do as good a job as jeff east given thankless circumstances he is now retired from acting he's living i gather in east france with his second wife i hope he's very happy and in his honor i'm going to watch pumpkin head tonight directed by Stan Winston. I've been looking at this Pumpkinhead since I worked at Film Fest Video in New Haven and it came out on video.

Never watched it. I'm going to watch it tonight in your honor, Jeff East, because you deserved better. And this is the sound of a gavel on that. Let's serve some more justice. Here's something from Ryan. My beautiful fiance, Sam, and I love to play rummy together. Sometimes we get a little loose, and when we're sitting on the same side of the bar or table,

she looks at my cards. She says I should hide them better. I think she just shouldn't look at my cards. All I ask is she keeps her eyes on her hand. I'm troubled by this. Obviously, this goes back to a time when, unless they have a bar in their house, time reminds me of a time when you could go out to a bar and play a game of cards with your beloved. You and all your friends could cram into a phone booth, could have a Lindy Hop

contest. Charleston contest. Charleston contest. Thank you contest thank you thank you for i was getting already getting angry letters from uh lindy hop enthusiasts the lindy hop began in the late 1930s i know we're gonna get a lot of letters for this one charleston contest of course featured prominently in it's a wonderful life where jimmy stew Stewart played himself as a teenager. There was precedent. Why did you put poor Jeffies through this? Anyway, the image of them sitting at the bar playing cards in a pre-pandemic time was a wistful, charming image of a lovely couple. But then the image of sitting on the same side of the table to play cards, like in their home.

If you have a table, sit across from each other to play cards. Don't sit on the same side of the table. Now I feel like you're a couple of weirds. But listen, before I rule on this, Jesse Thorne, you play cards? You play some card games ever? I have played cards. I mean, cards fall under my general rubric of all competitive games are things that I struggle with emotionally because I want to win them so bad, but I also feel guilty about how bad I want to win them. And when I win, I don't feel good, but when I lose, I feel bad. What's your game? Bridge? Whist? Rough? Australian Wrist? Nothing but Bridge. Just all Bridge all the time.

bridge just all bridge all the time my wife and i and the andersons who live next door come over every thursday evening for bridge and canapes uh-huh and bridge mix yeah and bridge mix what about any of the rummy variants like uh rummy 500 gin rummy contract rummy i play a little bit of gin rummy with my mom that was her her game. What about dummy rummy? That's a, that's a rummy game. You ever hear of dummy rummy? No, I haven't heard of that.

That's a real one. You know what a fake one is? What? Mummy rummy. Wait, was that what I was playing with my mom when we played gin rummy? It's, there are two variants.

One, when you're playing with your mummy and the, and the other, when you are a desiccated, reanimated corpse. Oh, I didn't mention that my mom is a desiccated, reanimated corpse. They filter body with honey to preserve it better. What about Lemmy Rummy? You ever play Lemmy Rummy?

With Lemmy from Motorhead? That's right. Sadly, Lemmy has passed away, but he was an incredible player of Lemmy Rummy. Sure. sadly Lemmy has passed away but he was an incredible player of Lemmy Rummy and in addition to being a truly amazing figure of rock and roll and human being shout out to Hawkwind by the way yeah I don't want to I don't want to let this Lemmy discussion pass without shouting out Hawkwind yeah Hawkwind when I interviewed Lemmy for my public radio show Bullseye it was at south by southwest and i interviewed him at the famous austin barbecue restaurant stubs yeah where they were

going to be playing that evening and the rules were he would do the interview in the morning but only at 11 which was the earliest he was available for any activity. And he sat down with a full bottle of whiskey and a shot glass as he joined me for his first meal of the day. And he was so lovely and charming and bright and interesting, just as you would expect from a guy who invented such,

who was in two very important rock bands. Um, but you know, especially Motorhead, certainly, um, he's just, he's just a joy. So when you are playing your card games and you are so desperate to win, because this is an anxiety for you, do you cheat? Do you look, do you take the opportunity to look at your other players cards? No, I'm not a cheater, John. Right. I'm a straight shooter. You know that.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, obviously it does not sound as though Ryan is complaining that Sam is purposefully looking at his cards to cheat, but she is scolding him. And I get scolded this a lot when I sit around and play cards with my family, which we do from time to time, some gin rummy, never lemmy rummy, unfortunately. I am often told that I am loose with my cards and I am like Ryan. I'm like, just don't look at them. But I would say that if you are a player and you accidentally catch a glimpse of the other player's cards, it is fair for you to say, I just want you to know that I can see your

cards in case you want to make an adjustment. But beyond that, just look at your own cards in life in general. Just look at your own paper. Look at your own quiz. Look at your own work. Do your work. Do not be concerned with the other person's work. Pay attention to what cards they're discarding.

Obviously that's a key to how, that's how you win. Let me, let me, let me, let me put down an ace of spades. His signature card, his signature card.

That means he's got a pretty sweet meld going without aces or spades. Let me always hangs onto that ace of spades. So when he discards an ace of spades, just give up. Give up because he's gone down for the chin. I have one offering for Ryan. Yeah, please. Ryan is engaged to Sam and finds her beautiful. They're probably in love.

Odds are. Sounds good. she might be being cute with him and if she's being cute with him which i think he's in a position to figure out if he gives it some consideration or some communication if she's being cute with him i think he should let her be cute with him because their ability to smooch together, which might come from her being cute with him, is probably more important to their relationship than whether they're following the rules of Rummy exactly. You're saying it's a gentle, flirtatious tease. I think it's entirely possible it is. I'm not there, so I don't know for sure. I'm not there, so I don't know for sure. But it's very possible that it is and that he is maybe valuing their card game

over being cute together, which is an important part of being in love and eventually getting married, which is their plan. All right. I'll support that interpretation. Only Ryan and Sam should know if she is being cutesy flirtatious

in her tease of him or if they're just bickering with each other. I can see your cards again. Well, you should look at your own hand. That's, I mean. John, whenever I play bridge, there's so much bickering. I usually, my wife and I play with our neighbors, the Bickersons. they're not around we just play with garfield and od from the other okay uh i'm ready to watch that sitcom once we can film safely again maybe i can i can

coax jeff east out of retirement in nice france to play mr bickerson mark says my beautiful, never wrong, incredibly selfless wife undoes all of that goodness by throwing tea bags into the NSYNC garbage disposal. Real rollercoaster ride of a sentence. All of that goodness is literally thrown down the drain. This just feels instinctively wrong, and I'm guessing it has terrible outcomes for the life of the garbage disposal thingy, and probably the planet. I have done absolutely zero work to investigate whether this is advised by the manufacturer or not. It felt like something that needed your and only your unique insight to adjudicate.

You don't want my insight. You want me to search the web for the answer because you're too lazy to do it, Mark. So you're already on my disposed teabag garbage list for that. Before we go to that, Jesse, do you have a disposal in your home? I do have a disposal in my home. It is one of the great joys of living in a single family home in California. Yeah.

And do you have house rules about what goes down the disposal and what does not go down the disposal? I put eggshells down there and you're not supposed to. I've done it for 10 years. I'm not going to stop now. I love doing it every time. I love to imagine them getting crunched up in there. That was a great and guilty pause. And I appreciate that because I do the same. And guess what, Jesse? What? You're not right, but you're not wrong either. I mean, there is no consistent definitive guide to what is okay and not okay to put down the garbage disposal. If you go online, you will find very, very contradictory advice from equally experienced seeming plumbing websites and home websites and what have you. and home websites, and what have you.

And eggshells is one of those things where it's like, you should never do this. Eggs have a membrane that will wrap around the spindle or whatever. And then someone else will say, but it sharpens the blades. And someone else will say, there are no blades. And there are all kinds of disputes. And I think that it has to do with different kinds of garbage disposals. And you should follow the recommendations of your manufacturer i can tell you this don't put a whole box of cheerios down the garbage disposal

if you read my book vacation land you know that will that will that will all that fiber will immediately expand i think about that every time i clear my children's breakfast dishes well you can put a little down. Just don't put a whole box down because you think it's expired and that's the way you should get rid of it. Throw it out for the birds. Don't make a Cheerio tumor in your pipes. Jesse, what about this scenario? What if you have made a classic Cornhusk doll, right?

Right, sure. But what if you discover that the Cornhusk doll has become possessed by an evil demon? Can you put that corn husk doll down your garbage disposal? It doesn't seem like the kind of thing that you should put down a garbage disposal. But on the other hand, I mean, the other day I got some water on my mogwai. Oh no.

And I had to put a few gremlins down the garbage disposal and sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. But there's a difference, right? Because poor gremlins, the evil gremlins are creeps. Yeah. They were mostly spider gremlins. But corn husks, unlike gremremlins are tough and fibrous and there is some consistency of belief that fibrous things like celery avocado peels a lot of fruit peels and stringy things like celery and banana peels should not go down there that is consistently agreed upon and by stringy things you might include string like the kind that attaches to a teabag.

I am hoping, Mark's wife, that you are not throwing down the teabag, the string, the staple, the piece of paper. Because a staple is not getting ground up and sent back into the waste treatment center to be biogas. That's not a living thing. That's an inert material. Even taking the teabag off of the string, you know, I don't know what model you have, but to me that seems like that's problematic. That bag is going to be a problem.

Once mine broke and the guy told me he was upgrading it by a horsepower, I was pretty excited. Whoa. Yeah. It's probably all those eggshells. Uh, yeah, no, I, uh, I, I would follow your manufacturer's advice, call them or write to them and ask them. And I bet they will confirm that a fibrous bag full of tea with a string and a staple on top of it is not a good thing to put down your disposal. And more to the point, I would suggest that when information is available to you, look, I'm glad you're a listener, but when you can find out information, do it. Find out the information for yourself.

Find out information. Do it. Find out the information for yourself. Don't put that mental burden on me, Judge John Hodgman. But it was nice hearing from you all the same, Mark. Let's take a break. More items on the docket coming up in just a minute. Once I check the health of my garburator on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman Podcast. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org, and they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic.

Just go to maximum fun.org slash join. The judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at made in Jesse. You've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? From the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made-in pots and pans?

Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're made-in, made-in. The Rohan duck, made-in, made-in. Riders of Rohan, duck! What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made-in, made in. Riders of Rohan, Duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in, made in.

Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs. The best professional chefs.

Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning, causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching.

So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world, and you get to hear this sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman.

Rules and restrictions apply. Hello, it's Judge John Hodgman reporting to you from a separate timeline. With a time stream news flash directly after the recording of this episode, I checked a social media website that I don't often check, where I had put a query out to the Insincurator company regarding the teabag debate. And I saw that they had replied, and their reply was, Hi, John. Thanks for reaching out. You're welcome, Insincurator. Yes, you can put teabags if the string slash staple has been removed.

So there you have it. If the string and staple are removed, you can throw that teabag down your Insincurator brand garbage disposal. But look, this isn't an ad for Insincurator. Maybe you have a different kind of garbage disposal. Call them. Go to their website. Or better yet, don't go through the trouble of taking the string and the staple out. Just throw it away. You might be grossing out your partner. Alright. I return you to your timeline. Do back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket this week. We have a letter from Stacy. She says, my family of four makes tacos at home at least once a week. My nine-year-old daughter fills a hard shell with normal taco goods,

then puts that inside a soft shell with a layer of refried beans holding the two together. My husband says this is wasteful, and it throws off the ratio of fillings for everyone else. He wants her to consume one shell at a time. I say she eats it all, she's not wasteful, and that he should plan for the amount of food we need. Texture is key to a good meal. She isn't gluttonous. Also, taco fillings can be eaten in a variety of ways, not only in a shell. So leftovers with no shell isn't a problem. Who's right and who's wrong? The daughter, obviously. But first, we haven't even posted this episode yet and somehow I've gotten 10,000 emails about what is okay or not okay to put into the garbage

disposal. Thank you for your feedback. So I don't know how you knew that we were talking about this. And I've also composed 7,000 emails about what does and doesn't go in a taco. So let's talk about tacos, Jesse, because I know they're an important part of your life. Yeah, they are. That's true. And your favorite taco place recently closed, right? My favorite Mexican restaurant has announced its closing, but has not yet closed. It has not yet closed. They're still running, yeah.

What is your opinion upon Stacy's daughter's taco technique you know i believe that if you're at a restaurant and they try and serve you a hard shell taco with a bunch of iceberg lettuce and pieces of tomato on it and and ground beef in the bottom uh that you should get out of that restaurant. But I don't have a problem with that as an easy home family meal in the classic American casserole cuisine tradition. It's a nice meal. It's easy to make. You can just take the refried beans out of a can. You know, I have no problem with that at all.

just take the refried beans out of a can. You know, I have no problem with that at all. And in that spirit, rather than in the spirit of a quote unquote authentic taco, though I'd say authentic is problematic here. But in that spirit, I say go to town. That sounds fun to me. Yeah. I mean, the distinction you draw is important because the tacos that you describe, that you get to enjoy in Los Angeles everywhere, and which I get to enjoy in New York only sometimes when the one truck is parked outside the ATM on the corner, probably followed the taco convention that you are used to, which is soft shell always. Yeah, two softened corn tortillas,

usually softened in a griddle, on a griddle. Right, and then filled with lengua or asada or al pastor, pork al pastor or what have you. Sure. Not the classic sort of Taco Bell version, which is hard shell, ground beef, iceberg lettuce, pieces of tomato, possibly hot sauce on top, but not pico de gallo. We used to call that taco in Anglo-American middle-class cuisine, but that is a distinct food group that we can now call Taco Bell cuisine. Or in deference to our friend Nick Weiger of the Doughboys, we can call it Del Taco Cuisine. but I'm already on top of it.

You can throw it away. I wasted your time this time. Because what they know and what I learned doing research is what Stacy's daughter is doing is replicating a double-decker taco, specifically a Taco Bell menu item, much beloved by many Taco Bell aficionados, which is a hard-shelled taco with ground beef and lettuce and whatever that is, that is nestled inside of a, of a, of soft flour tortilla that has refried beans in it.

And it sounds great. And by the way, the double decker taco is one of nine Taco Bell menu items recently discontinued much to the consternation of Taco Bellistas. So I respect Stacey's daughter's life hack. I don't know whether she got this from Taco Bell or whether she came at it from her own ingenuity, much like both Newton and Leibniz invented the calculus, but it's great. And I can only feel that the specious argument that this young woman's dad is making about wasting food items. I mean, that is, that is obviously a cover story for the deep fury and jealousy he feels for the fact that his daughter is a genius and he is not.

That his daughter is inventive, imaginative, and sees ingredients and puts them together in a different way i absolutely find in favor of this young woman i'm going to eat this food tonight you know what i'm going to upgrade everybody's taco night immediately real quick uh-huh without adding any extra work of note instead of buying ground beef for your beef tacos, buy what they call flat meat. In some butcher shops or grocery stores, they might actually call it carne asada, but just buy flat meat. And all you really need to do to season it for a pretty good asada, and there are very complicated asadas that are wonderful as well, but flat meat is a great eaten meat, very flavorful. You don't need to do much.

What they do at most taquerias for asada is take flat meat, put a bunch of salt and a bunch of garlic powder on it. And I know that there are cooking enthusiasts who are fundamentally opposed to garlic powder for various reasons and so on and so forth, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But you just do that. And then if you have access to a grill, you grill it. Otherwise you can pan fry it, pan cook it, and then you cut it across the grain. That's as easy as seasoning ground beef with taco seasoning, but it tastes a lot better. I'm too hungry to continue. I'm too hungry to continue i'm too i'm too hungry to continue this thank you i know let's move on to ellie's question ellie says my friend has a hat

problem but it's not the amount of hats she owns most people think not like possessed hat or itchy hat or yeah the problem is what she wants to do with them she wants me to steal someone's hat someone who i hardly know i let this go until she recently informed me she wants to sleep in a pile of hats please tell me what to do. Thank you, Ellie. Sent from my pile of hats. This is one where I really have to blame myself for not inviting Ellie and her friend on the podcast live. Because there's so many questions that I have. First of all, does Ellie's friend want Ellie to steal from a specific person whom Ellie hardly knows? Is there a specific person who's got a specific hat that Ellie's friend wants for her hat bed? Or is it just a random sort of like gang initiation dare? Go steal someone's hat.

Go steal a stranger's hat. Also of interest to me is why is it someone that she hardly knows? Right. Like do stranger's hats not have the same snooze juice? I think that there must be a specific hat. Yeah. What is the power? Why is it important that it be stolen as opposed to borrowed or purchased?

And why does Ellie have to do it instead of Ellie's friend? And what kind of hats? And if you're going to sleep in a pile of hats, which I could see being a special, you know, everyone has their little weird sees as Linda Holmes says, that could have a special power for you and your imagination. But I still have questions. Are the hats themselves on a bed? Because that would be very bad luck, as we know from the movie Drugstore Cowboy. Or are they just piled up on a floor? I think you put down a layer of your harder hats, construction hats, fireman hats, army man hats. Then you add a second layer of caps and you start with brimmed caps and then you go to like baseball, baseball style caps and five panels, skateboard guy style caps. And then on top of that, your caps for sale style caps, your woolen caps.

sail style caps your woolen caps and then your newsy hats on top of that uh you put your uh your like your watch caps you know your watch hats your your beanies your your toques then on top of that you put those you put some angora hats that that your grandma crocheted for you or knit for you onto a layer of soft angora. I mean, there might be cashmere here, but I'm not asking people to get enough cashmere hats to cover an entire bed. This is a lot of ingredients. You're basically describing or inventing the cheesy crunch gordita of hat beds. John, it's simple. It comes right to your door, vacuum packed in a cardboard box. You open it up and watch the miracle as it expands. For all of the wonderful partners that we've had on the show, we've never had, unlike every other podcast in the world,

I don't believe we've ever read an ad for a mattress, but I am encouraging everyone with the sound of my voice, any entrepreneurs out there, please start a hat bed company, an internet hat bed company, so that we can advertise internet hat beds on Judge John Hodgman. They come right to your door they cut out the middleman we bought a hat bed mattress factory in germany so that we could bring a high quality low cost hat beds right to your door i'm ready for this i have to say that Ellie's letter about being brainwashed and conscripted into a criminal conspiracy to steal hats for a hat bed is like the world's most adorable QAnon conspiracy theory. And it all takes place at a pizza restaurant in Washington, DC.

Look, the principle here is don't steal. So obviously I'm finding, it's not even in Ellie's favor. She asked, what should I do? Don't steal someone's hat for your friend. However, I am, I am ordering, well, I'm not ordering. I am really requesting some answers to my question, Ellie. I would like, I would like you to please submit a clarifying document asking what person, what hat, why? And then I will, I order as penance to your friend that that person write a clarifying document describing why they want to sleep on a bed of hats and what kinds of hats specifically. I need more information not to make my ruling,

which is don't steal, but to get, to get this idea out of my head. I feel like I've been possessed. I've been possessed by these questions questions much like a corn husk doll is often possessed by an evil spirit which is happens all the time by the way don't make corn husk dolls they just get they're just a basically a demon trap you know what i would say if if someone asked me to go steal a hat for them for their hat bed what y'all gonna make me lose my mind, pumpkin head, pumpkin head. That was a better DMX. Let's take a quick break. When we come back, disputes about waking up, and of course, denim shorts. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney.

I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls.

Remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I.

Ah, it'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go welcome back to the judge john hodgman podcast we're clearing the docket this week

and we have something here from maya maya says hello my name is maya i just recently moved in with my partner of three years timer t-a-i-m-u- Sorry, timer or timer. I'm doing my best. He is so lovely 99% of the time, except for when he has to be woken up. He requests that I wake him up from naps so that he doesn't sleep for too long. Then he gets very grumpy and says things like, oh, you're so mean to me and stop hurting me while he's half asleep. It hurts my feelings, even though I know he doesn't mean it and he's just half asleep and out of his mind. I would like the judge to order him to get his sleep schedule together. So no more staying up until 4 a.m. to play video games on the weekends, for example. Then he won't have to take naps and I won't have to be yelled at by the love of my life who happens to turn into a grumpy

toddler when he's sleeping. Long time fan of the show. Thanks. Sleep hygiene is very important. And I have to say that during this period of staying at home a lot, my relationship with sleep hygiene has gotten unhealthy, actually. You know, I was working on a 17-year sleep deficit of being a parent to one and then two children. And once it became clear that no one was going to be getting up early anymore in this household, I have been sleeping so hard and so long and I've been feeling so good and mostly not guilty. But now I feel like I got to be a regular human being again and get up before 10 a.m., get out of bed before 10 a.m. You've got littles in your house, Jesse. So you're up and at them no matter what, right? Yeah. And my sleep hygiene is an immense

priority to me because of my chronic migraine headaches for which sleep is probably the number one most powerful trigger. So I really keep a very consistent sort of 1030 to 630 schedule for my sleep. I try and add a little on the beginning and a little on the end if I can. for my sleep. I try and add a little, little on the beginning and a little on the end. If I can, I have so enjoyed catching up on my sleep. It has made me feel so much better, but just recently I've kind of felt like now I feel drenched in sleep. I don't feel, I don't feel sleep hygienic. I feel sleep dirty. I'm going to shake it off a little bit, hygienic i feel sleep dirty gotta shake it off a little bit but the point you know i obviously i will rule in maya's favor that i do think that timer and again we hope we're pronouncing your name correctly the timer has got to get his act together and not stay up till four in the morning

playing video games look i i get it gaming late at night and all night long, that's fun. I know it's fun, but that's for children. That's for children and teenagers and 20-something-year-olds. Maya and Timer are embarking on a life together of cohabitation. Now it's grown-up time. that's now it's grown-up time not only are you probably physically a little bit older it's time to be aware of the fact that you are sharing the space with another person and uh and and you need to you need to practice fairly good sleep hygiene so that you don't yell at your loved one when you're waking up you ever have to wake theresa, Jesse? She wakes up before I do in general circumstances. She's more of an early to bed, early to rise person than I. So I generally don't, but I have had to. And I have had one of my children had a night of night terrors. Oh, no.

A few months ago. And I think that the half asleep, half awake state in a loved one when they are upset, something that I really identify with Maya around is how terrifying that is. It's really distressing. Extraordinarily distressing. And, you know, I talked to some doctors about night terrors. They said, generally speaking, they're not even remembered by the person having them. They don't represent an actual psychological trauma.

But, man, are they scary. Yeah, they're distressing to your partner, timer. And in particular, like, you're so mean to me is, I think, substantively different from stop hurting me. is i think substantively different from stop hurting me which but also both of those are particularly upsetting and galling uh in similar measure because this is a favor that you have asked of your partner to do this thing for you you are asking maya to be your mommy and wake you up from your nap which by the, is also not a healthy thing for a cohabitation of equals. You're a grownup, set an alarm, get your sleep hygiene together, set an alarm when you're taking a nap, take responsibility for yourself, especially since

you know that when you ask Maya to wake you up, you are hurling invective at her, which is painful for her. One time my wife woke up years ago. I probably told this story before. She woke up and she was just looking around. And at the time she had a cat named Francis who was just this big, fat, dumb cat. And I said, are you okay, honey? And she said, it's a supermarket caper and Francis is in charge. honey and she said it's a supermarket caper and francis is in charge now that was a that was enjoyable to me that fugue state that into that twilight state between sleep and wakefulness

has has been a great story that we tell each other all the time as we imagine this poor dumb black and now sadly late cat leading a heist in a price chopper or whatever. But if she had looked at me and said, stop hurting me, it would be hard to forget that. I'm with my almost all the way here. I do have one point of distinction or difference with their assertions here. And that is that if Timer was sleeping normal hours at night, he wouldn't have to take a nap during the day. I don't think those things are oppositional. I think taking a nap during the day can be a really healthy, I think taking a nap during the day can be a really healthy, delightful, rejuvenating experience. It's one that I've only discovered in my 30s.

I was a resolute non-napper for a long time. I learned to nap as a man, and it's added a lot to my life. I don't nap every day by any means. And certainly right now, my family is too busy and intense during the day because everyone is in the house all the time. My children are young. But in general, I found that taking a nap in the early afternoon is a big boon to my life and my ability to stay happy and healthy the rest of the day. So don't throw the baby out with the bathwater here.

Yeah. Timer, you're the baby because you're asking your parent to wake you up. Yeah. And by the way, baby, don't sleep in bathwater. That's dangerous. Yeah, that's also true. Okay, here's something from Scott. Yeah.

Please tell my son Hugh that cutoff jeans aren't jorts. Hugh, you're wrong. Obviously, they're not jorts. Yeah. They're sheens. You know why they're called sheens, Jesse? A lot of people think it's because they're short jeans, sheens. Are they sheared jeans? No, they're named sheens, Jesse? A lot of people think it's because they're short jeans. Sheens. Are they sheared jeans?

No, they're named for the actor Martin Sheen. Oh, wow. It's his favorite kind of bottom half garment. Isn't that fun? Fun fact, every episode of the West Wing where he's shot only sitting behind the desk, Sheen is wearing some sheens. Yeah. Yeah, hugh stop it i'm i'm recording a cover of edwin starr's classic hit war parentheses what is it good for yeah um and it's going to be called jorts what are they good for absolutely nothing

say it again the docket is clear. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. This week's episode produced by Jennifer Marmer and Kristen Bennett. Hi, Kristen. Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO, and check out the MaxFun subreddit to discuss this episode. Submit your cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO or email Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.