Judge John Hodgman - Daily Security Beefing

Episode Date: August 6, 2014

Jake and Janey have taken safety measures to protect their home since a spate of break-ins have happened in their neighborhood. But they disagree about which measures are most effective. 

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm your guest bailiff, Monty Belmonte from WRSI 93.9 The River in Northampton, Massachusetts, in for Jesse Thorne. This week, daily security beefing. Jake brings the case against his girlfriend, Janie. After a series of robberies in their neighborhood, they decided to take action to make their home more safe. Janie says closing the blinds and curtains every time they leave will deter theft. Jake says it won't make a difference and makes the house dark and drab.

Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Do you often find yourself arriving late to social gatherings or appointments? Are the first words out of your mouth when you finally show up, sorry I'm late? Are you convinced you give yourself enough time to get where you're going, but somehow you're still late? Do factors seemingly outside your control prevent you from being on time? Do you tend to lose track of the time? Do you ask the same question over and over again? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then this podcast is for you.

Guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, swear them in. Jake and Janie, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Jane Curtin or Dawn Draper or whomever? We do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that the judge, like Joni Mitchell, was raised on robbery? Absolutely. Thank you.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Jake and Janie, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors. I know you cannot possibly name the booklet I hold in my hand that I read from that has nothing to do with your case. And has everything to do with A, where I am, and B, the fact that I'm late, it turns out. It sounds like a self-help book. It is a self-help book. I'm not sure. Book out. It sounds like a self-help book. It is a self-help book. I'm not sure. Booklet.

It is a booklet. Yes. Here. Okay. Can I, can I read you just a little bit more of chapter one? Maybe this will jog your memory. Chapter one.

You have to know what time it is. You probably can't believe I just wrote that sentence. The experience has shown that this simple concept is often the crux of the problem. Don't laugh. If you don't know what simple concept is often the crux of the problem. Don't laugh. If you don't know what time it is, how can you be punctual? For now, ask yourself the following questions. Can you see a clock if you are in your bathroom, your kitchen,

your dining area, your main living space, your car? Now, does that ring a bell? Oh, man. Oh, God. I give up. I don't know. I don't know. I'll read you the last sentence from the book.

God, okay. Yeah, this might do it for me. This is going to do it. I feel it. When you do arrive, remember, you have inconvenienced other people, so offer a sincere apology. No? All right. Look, I offer you both, Jake and Janie offer a sincere apology no all right look i offer you both jake and janie a sincere apology because there's no way you could know this because it is a booklet that is sitting here in the studios of wrsi the river in northampton massachusetts where monty belmonti hosts the morning radio program it's called called How Not to Be Late by Steve Harrell.

Now, the fact that Monty is guest bailiffing means as soon as summer hits, I escape to the internetless hills of New England. It used to be Massachusetts, but then we got internet there. And now you have to flee the internet and go even further. I'm on my way up to Maine where they, they literally ran out of internet. They told me they couldn't give me any cause they ran out. They had one of those burners that was by the minute. Yeah, exactly. Their whole internet system is based, is based off of one iPhone five C that's a hotspot

for the entire blue Hill peninsula. That guy had to go to the bathroom. So nobody knew where we went. And what that means is that I'm not doing this from my office with Jesse Thorne down in Brooklyn where it's professional. I'm doing it having driven hundreds of miles and screeched into the parking lot late as usual to jump in here and to initially do two podcasts. But now I only have time for one, and you're the one. This book delights me because I did have something picked out for you, and maybe we'll talk about that.

But this is written, you guys, by Steve Harrell, who is the founder of, in Boston where I grew up, Steve's Ice Cream was the, what would you say, the vanguard of gourmet ice cream. The inspiration to Ben and Jerry. They've admitted that it was Steve's kind of mix-in philosophy that was part of the inspiration to Ben and Jerry. Yeah, in the 1980s, Steve Harrell dropped a vanilla and chocolate bomb on the Boston area and all of New England. And it started gourmet ice cream. And it tasted real good because there was less air in it.

It's more dense. That's why that ice cream tastes like gelato. Yeah. And then and then he stole he stole it. So he didn't steal anything. He sold that that franchise Steve's, which is now out of business. And he moved out here to the Pioneer Valley of Massachusetts, where WRSI, the river, and Monte Belmonte are located. And in Thorne's marketplace,

the crazy old mall with the creaky floors they have here, he opened up Harrell's, his new ice cream place, which is now 30 years old or whatever. And he's retiring from there, working his way out and writing $2.95 pamphlets on how to not be late to things. And apparently he was just in the radio station. Yes, he came by earlier today to plug his pamphlet. Yeah, if I hadn't been so late, I might have seen him.

A banana split at Harold's, I believe, costs more than his pamphlet does. How not to be late. It's illustrated, and it costs $2.95. It's got an ISBN number, so you know you can get it. Sales of the pamphlet are going to skyrocket now thanks to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I don't mind buzz marketing this because I've been... And it's illustrated?

Yes. He did not illustrate it, though. It was a Smith College student that illustrated it. Johanna Renard, who was a server at Harrell's. He's actually had 700 employees over the course of the years

at that store, and a lot of them were late for a lot of different reasons. So he was trying to make a manifesto for his employees and they thought hey maybe other people would find this helpful and it could not be a more perfect opening to to this to this podcast because once again uh as as last summer when i was driving down from maine with the fresh bananas fresh banana man jonathan up at the uh i-95 southbound Kennebunk Service Plaza. I may see him.

I don't know if he works northbound. I don't know whether I'm going to see him at the beginning of the summer or not. But we've been in touch. We're going to talk. But this time, once again, driving and got delayed, screeched into the parking lot of WRSI, flew through the window of my cargo van. Did a somersault roll into the studio. Jumped into the cans and the mic and just started talking.

How not to be late. Here it is. You should take that with you on the rest of your New England journey. No, I'm going to buy my own copy. Okay. All right. Jake and Janie, I was going to ask, I was going to give you a quote from a

movie from 1978. I'm not going to give you any credit other than epic bragging rights for knowing it. Okay. The movie, though, was from 1978. You should be able to deduce this.

And it was shot at the Monroeville Mall, almost entirely at the Monroeville Mall. You know what it is, right, Jake? I think so. I think he does. Go for it, Jake. Dawn of the Dead. That's right, Dawn of the Dead. Awesome.

That's an easy one. Yeah. That's why I went with Steve Harrell. Too bad for you, Jake, but good. We have three claims to fame in Pittsburgh, and that's one of them. Right. Yeah. That's why you get EBR, epic bragging rights.

As opposed to PBR. Right. Right. And you are in Pittsburgh, a place riddled with crime and zombies. Yeah. That's accurate so far. Also a wonderful city. Beautiful.

Home to the Rex Theater, where I performed last fall. First time I'd ever been to Pittsburgh. Loved it. Hometown of Jeff Goldblum and Gillian Jacobs from Community. I didn't know that. Among many others. I knew that. All right, then, Jake, since you're the expert, who else is from Pittsburgh?

Andy Warhol. Yeah. Fred Rogers. He's in a bunch. Fred Rogers. What famous movie star, comedic movie star, was a production assistant on Mr. Rogers. Presumably, I guess, because he was also from Pittsburgh. I do not know that one, Jake.

Do you know it, Monty? I don't know this one. Legendary comedic actor. Doesn't work so much anymore. Not Bill Murray. Chevy Chase? No. You you ready i'm ready down people all across this land mr rogers aficionados and aficionadas all across this land are yelling it into their podcast devices right now michael keaton worked on mr rogers wow i didn't know that behind the scenes

one of his first jobs i love janey has a crush on michael oh my god i didn't even realize janey you should get straight and develop a crush on mr rogers because that guy's the boss i know i love him too but he is well i love pittsburgh but but live there. There's a big difference between love and live. Yeah. When it comes to American cities, particularly American cities whose industry has declined. Is that fair to say? You're still rolling some steel there, right? We're not so much known for that anymore, really.

I've heard that it's going on. I don't know where. We're not so much known for that anymore, really. I've heard that it's going on. I don't know where. I don't see smoke billowing into the sky anywhere. It's an up-and-coming city for a lot of various other things, but not so much sailing. But like a lot of American cities that had relied on manufacturing and industry, it has had to remake itself. And I dare say remake itself, it has. I had the greatest time there. Pittsburghians were terrific.

They put french fries on their sandwiches. Yes, indeed they do. And there's a lot of arts there. It's the world's most livable city or something, right? Yeah. Isn't that what magazines say? The most livable city in the United States, affordable, good housing stock, decent people. A lot of artists and writers go there.

A lot of artists and writers escape. How old are you guys and what do you do there? I'm 27 and I'm a communications and technical writer at Carnegie Mellon University. All right. And Jake, how old are you? I'm 27. Right. And Jake, how old are you?

I'm 27. Right. And I'm a marketing and support person for a website. Okay. And you guys are in a romantic relationship, but you're not married. Exactly. Yeah, more or less. Yes.

What's the less part? The romance? Less romance? Or you are partially married? Well oh way to way to move it along janie i guess we'll talk about the issue nice segue you like my segue yeah i like it technical writing that's what she does yeah she she takes the fluff out yes i do all right jake you submitted you submitted this dispute why don't you explain why you're right and Janie's wrong? Well, I'm right because. OK, you live in a dangerous neighborhood. OK, rogues and blackguards walking the streets. We live in a very nice neighborhood in Pittsburgh. Right. It's like any neighborhood in any city you have people

and people are different depending on the person it's an individual thing listen to this guy try to be tap dance around have you the issue is i'm gonna i'm gonna do this for you jake because all bragging rights epic and, have now been rescinded. Oh, God. You guys live together in some sort of apartment in a romantic relationship, even though Pittsburgh is affordable enough and you're both professionals that you could you could you could keep your own homes. That's OK. You want you want you want all the fun and romance of sharing bills. Good for you.

That's fun. And bathrooms. Right. Bills and bathrooms That's fun, I guess. And bathrooms. Right. Bills and bathrooms. The best part of marriage. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Right.

And there were some break-ins on the street. Was there a break-in in your home, Jake? No. No. Your home has never been broken into. There were break-ins only a few streets away, very close. And we rent a house. It's sort of a row house, so it's split into three. And since we rent, there's not a lot of attention to detail as far as windows and just the overall security of the outside so um we realized that these break-ins these people were actually just simply going through ground floor windows of homes just opening them up yeah and they were doing it sometimes while people were asleep and um yeah there was one when they were asleep at

about two in the morning they actually entered a house while people were sleeping. And I think it happened two times. The first time they got scared off and ran away. And the second time a man actually had a gun. And I think there was a fight. So it was pretty serious. They snuck into the same house two times while the same family was sleeping? Two separate houses, two families.

Just different outcomes. And there was a guy and the homeowner had a gun and there was a fight. Was anyone killed? I believe. No, I don't think the gun went off. I think there was a scuffle. That was as intense as it got. The no such thing

as a gun scuffle. I think he got hit by the gun. So I think on occasion a gun scuffle unless you're hitting him on the end with the butt he got hit by the gun so there i think on occasion are gun scuffles he threw the gun at him honestly all right where are you getting the information from his head you mean about the break-in the whole yeah all the whole whole thing. It was in the news. We also at the time belonged to a social network that was broken up by neighborhoods. So we belonged to our neighborhood social network, and there was a lot of insider news. And a lot of police officers live in this neighborhood, so I think there is more information than was even in the news articles.

So they're breaking into homes in the cop neighborhood? I mean, when he says there are a lot, I wouldn't say a lot. I don't think that constitutes a lot. I think there are several retired cops around here, yes. Is Jake prone to these kinds of exaggerations? Yes, without a doubt. Janie, what is the neighborhood you live in in Pittsburgh called? Well, it's Morningside.

Morningside. Yes, Morningside. Is there a F morningside is there is there a what is there a fish town uh okay so you live in uh fish town also known as morningside and what's your exact what's your exact street address um one two three four fake street 1234 Fake Street. Oh, come on, guys. I'm trying to set up a neighborhood watch for you. I'm trying to set up a perimeter of blue blazer regulars. Listeners to this podcast are going to go create a cordon around your house. Solve your problem. I really highly doubt that.

I think they're going to rob us now. All right. So when you heard about all these robberies jake what'd you do well i i texted my father i think that was one of the first things i did and asked him how i could just say how i could get a gun did you say whoa that took a hard right turn yeah it escalated very quickly all right you asked your dad. Are you from the Pittsburgh area? More or less.

I'm from up in northern Pennsylvania. All right. Yeah, just sort of small town Pennsylvania. Okay. Your dad owns guns? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He has a gun cabinet.

All right. And you grew up shooting with your dad? Yeah, not a whole lot. I think he wanted me to, and being someone that listens to podcasts as a kid, I knew that wasn't my thing. You didn't listen to podcasts as a kid? I'm talking retrospectively. Right, okay. As a kid who grew up into a an adult who listens and then one day

and then one day one day that you heard about some robberies in your neighborhood and instead of locking your windows you immediately text your dad saying i gotta get a gun our windows don't lock yes oh yeah well they have there's no way that can be changed you're right so did your dad get you a gun um yeah eventually it took some uh talking but uh one time i went to visit him and he he proudly gifted me a shotgun that he was given by his father as a boy and it's literally the smallest shotgun i've ever seen i don't know anything about shotgun sizes so is it like is it i don't either is it like miniature for like shooting shetland ponies like those bad shetland ponies we talked about the other day or donks especially ill-mannered ones

what is the gauge what is the gauge of the shotgun well i tell you monty if northampton massachusetts knew we were having a conversation about guns right now. You don't know the gauge of this? I kept calling it a.22 shotgun, and he corrected me. And what did he say? Was it correct? It's a.20 gauge. So that shows how little I know about shotguns.

Well, it's a good thing you own one then. Yeah. I know that it has a trigger and there's a barrel. Interesting. then yeah i know that has a trigger and there's a barrel interesting so how long was it between the time you texted dad and the the time you got the gun a week two weeks a month roughly it was a it was about a month and a half a month and a half what's the ball what's the ballpark there in uh in pittsburgh where the where do the pirates play is it pnc park pnc park right so pnc park it for me about a month and for me. About a month and a half? Two months? A month and a half. A month and a half. And how many times

were you robbed and pillaged before you finally got that essential home protection? Zero times. Zero times. Janie? Yes. How do you feel about Jake's approach to home security? I definitely was hesitant and I wasn't for it initially, but now it mostly just collects dust in a corner. So I guess I'm OK with it because it's just an overgrown paperweight at this point. It's good that you're storing it properly. Yes, it is being stored properly the shells are in

someplace else and uh you're in a shoebox in the front yard right sleep machine he sleeps with a sleep machine and uh he doesn't hear most of what's going on at night so i fear that i will be dead and he'll wake up in the morning and just find my rotting corpse coming back to life to eat his brains. Yes, I will. I will haunt him too. So your your approach and this is why Jake brings you to court today, Janie. Yeah. Is it your approach to home security? The windows don't lock. Is that correct? I mean, they, some of them do, some of them don't. And then some of them, we've bought these plastic and I don't know how easily open they are now with these plastic things. They're, they're kind of like flats that go into place so that if you open the window, it doesn't get very far because it jams. A shim.

Yes. Yes. Yeah. I went to a hardware store once. Those things come in handy. Yeah, they do. Also, what you do is you bring them with you when you go to restaurants. For the table when it's wobbly.

When it's wobbly. Or a coaster. A regular coaster from the table. I just wad up napkins. I guess mine's not very environmentally friendly. Here comes the T-shirt from the table. I just wad up napkins. I guess mine's not very environmentally friendly. Here comes the t-shirt of the week. It's not as good as a shim. And the real shims, as opposed to making your own shims, are even better because they're tapered.

You can wedge them in there, crack them where you need them. You can buy a bunch of silicone, not silicone, hard plastic shims, a thousand of them for a cent. I get the wood shims. Fine. I forgot we're in Northampton. Sorry. Recyclable, reusable materials. Put them in the windows to keep burglars from coming in, keep things from wobbling.

I always have a pocket full of shims. All right. So you put some shims in the windows, and then your other approach to home security is to close the blinds. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't call it my approach to security per se, but it's something that I'm hoping a deterrent. And this is why Jake is specifically bringing you to court, because he thinks closing the blinds is dumb. Jake, explain to your cohabitant why she's dumb. Well, she's going to refute this, but the low

light conditions that this habit causes, I think probably is detrimental to our plants. We're definitely plant people. We have many plants in our home. And, you know, we would be closing the curtains while we're at work. Jake, name the five plants you have in your house. Go. I know this because she actually wrote them down. Oh, no.

He's looking at the evidence. Well, our primary plant is a golden pothos, a snake plant, a ZZ plant. An Aziz Ansari? You need to name two more. Yeah. Yes, an Aziz Ansari. And that's all she listed, so I'm going to pretend that's all we have. Would it be reasonable to say that your concern for the plants is not your primary motivator and is indeed bogus, sir? Yeah, I'll admit to it.

Why do you care if she closes the blinds before you guys go out or before you guys go to bed? It would be both. Janie, why do you do it? I do it because I don't necessarily think that we have to be the safest house on the block. I just think that we need to make it less easy for somebody to kind of see what's in our house so that they can actually come in. I think it would be more of a gamble. You want to hide the fact that you have, that you have a gun in the corner. Yes.

And you went from being, you went from being a moderately unsafe house to the unsafest house on the block. Yeah, pretty much. That sounds true. You have a gun in the corner that you do not know even what kind of gun it is. I'm not in charge of that gun, to be fair. So he's the one that has to deal with that gun.

Yeah, but you live there. Anyone who comes into that house could be in charge of that gun. Well, it's by him, and he kind of, like, sleeps next to it. So I'm hoping that before that point, he would wake up and actually man the gun himself. While you were just saying all this stuff? me if i'm tell them if i'm lying monty i snuck to pittsburgh and stole your gun he has it right here it's still got the dust on it who's got the gun now true because i would have heard you because we do have some alarms we installed oh so you installed some alarms when were you going to get around to this pertinent information? Okay. Well, we installed vibration alarms and this beam connection alarm.

And what those do is the vibration, if the glass is tapped relatively hard or broken, it will emit a high-pitched sound. And same thing for the beam break alarms. What those do is there's a beam connection, like a laser, and if a door is opened or the connection is broken, it will also emit a high-pitched alarm. So it's not something that it's going to automatically call 911 or really do much except alert us to the fact and hopefully scare whatever is trying to come in. Right. And these are some, so you didn't call a big security company to have them install something that is hardwired to their offices? We can't because we rent. This is the cheapest solution. Yes. It's cheap and we rent.

So I think there are policies against that kind of thing. Oh, it'd be interesting. I don't know. Have you looked into it? Yes. We've read our lease. I have. It's because when maintenance comes in, they don't want to have to trip that and have police get sent, that kind of thing.

So you're not allowed to have one of those alarm companies come in and install a proper home alarm system? According to our lease, that would be against what they would like us to do. So, yes, that's not. Have you contacted your landlord to say these windows aren't secure? You need to come in and fix them? We've contacted them about a multitude of things, including like a broken doorbell and a couple other things, but they're kind of lax about it. And we've heard from our neighbors that they've been lax about a few things. So we've kind of taken the measures into our own hands. Is this a person who owns the property

that you deal with directly or is there a management company? There's a management company, but it's relatively small. It's only about one or two neighborhoods that they allow to rent. I'm going to introduce a new policy on Judge John Hodgman. As you know, buzz marketing is not allowed, but I encourage buzz shaming. What's the name of this junkie management company? I don't think I want to say they're going to increase our rent. Why are you afraid of reprisals? You've got a gun you don't know I want to say they're going to increase our rent. Why are you afraid of reprisals? You've got a gun you don't know how to use.

I'm not the one who decided to get the gun. Jake. Jake. No. You're quick on the trigger. You clearly make a lot of ill thought out decisions. Are you going to name this? Are you going to name this company or what?

Forbes. Forbes management. Yes! Look. I'm terrified. If you're terrified, you should move. No. If you're terrified. I like my house. Right, but you're living in

fear. No, I'm not living in fear. I'm living in fear now of, like, redemption from our landlord company. They're going to break in. They're going to kick us out on grounds. There are no grounds. The judge has a white moving van with him right now. He will pick up all of your stuff and help you move if it comes to that. I already got your gun.

I'm counting on that. I'm going to be homeless if you don't. No, in the most livable city in the united states the reason it's most livable is it ain't paris you can afford to live in a in a place there you're both employed you both deserve to live in a place where your management company is responsive to your reasonable security concerns and other stuff and if they can't provide that for you you should be able to get, if you're going to invest in an alarm system,

which is only going to increase the value of that apartment, the rentability of that apartment. Right. That's true. What a bunch of creeps. That's me saying that Forbes, not Janie, not Jake.

If I hear of any reprisals, I am going to do another strongly worded podcast. So watch out. Jake, why are you so bothered by Janie just pulling down the window shades? You can do obviously whatever you want that has absolutely no effect upon home security and indeed has a detrimental effect upon home security by bringing an unsecured shotgun into the home what do you care what do you care about it this is kind of annoying uh a farther reaching problem is it's it's that i i believe that she's overly cautious and that that's a symptom i guess of a larger illness well we certainly know you're not overly cautious i think i'm compensating specifically we we've had moments where uh you know we're in the car ready to go and she forgets that the blinds aren't down and and she has to then come back inside and lower them. And we'll go,

we'll be going grocery shopping. So it'll be a 30 minute period where we won't be here. Yeah. Janie, you think the housejackers who've been casing your place for five weeks don't know what's in there already? Exactly. I mean, I'm not sure. I don't know. And I want to minimize the risk that they do know. And hopefully like our odd, you know, comings and goings at whatever times we'll kind of throw them off to. You live on the ground floor or do you have both both floors? We have a house. So it's two stories. OK, so it's a row home. It's connected on. On either side to another to other homes. Is that right? Do I understand that correctly? We're actually on an end.

So we're an end home. And then also we are the last row in the neighborhood. So behind us is just a bunch of like forestry. So it's very easy, especially from the back for somebody to just open a window, come in and do their thing and get back out without anybody really noticing. Unsecured approach. Yes. Criminals,, and raccoons. Yes, all of the above. As long as they have opposable thumbs. Jake, if I were to find in your favor, what would you want me to do? Tell Janie to stop

doing this thing with the drapes or whatever? Yeah, I have a written desire to tell a myth. It's only two sentences, but I wrote it. I'll hear it. I'll hear it. Okay. i want janie to open her heart to open blinds and to accept that this small gesture is one small step toward realizing that every second of your life is a 20-sided dice roll being too preventative will impede

your enjoyment of life well i appreciate it I appreciate your nerd pandering in there with your 20D roll reference. Yes, 20D roll. Do you sincerely believe that Janie's preoccupation with closing the blinds is interfering with her happiness either because it is obsessive-compulsive in itself or speaks to a larger

issue in Janie's life of her not being able to just let go and enjoy having guns lying around the house or whatever it is. Absolutely. It's, it's both. Give me some evidence. You should go on vacation with her. I'm thinking about it.

I would love that. Janie, where are we going to go? How about Bermuda? All right. Well, what happens on vacation with her, Jake, now that Janie and I have made a plan? Oh, God. What do I have to look forward to that impedes her enjoyment of everyday life? I'm truly open to this line of argument.

truly open to this line of argument? I would say an overall anxiety until we're in the hotel room that we booked from the day before up to that moment, fretting over things. I'm trying to think of a specific example. I get anxious about it. I'll help you out. No, no. I have a good one. We went on vacation last May, I believe, to Portland, Oregon. There was a period of three days where she had a bad stomach ache from overeating at food carts and convinced herself that she had appendicitis to the point where I had to talk her out of going to the hospital in Portland. That's not true. I was not at the point of going to the hospital, but I did feel like I was dying. How did you talk her out of it? I don't know that he did. i think i just went to the bathroom

janie what are you do you have do you have hypochondria uh it depends on the circumstances i'd say probably sometimes if i'm being honest all right you said you had another example of ways your anxiety gets in the way of your enjoying stuffing yourself with duck fat fries from a food cart in Oregon or whatever. Yes, they had good musubi. Well, I mean, I don't think it's really. What was that word you just dropped? Now I don't care about your inner life. What was that knowledge?

In Portland, they have such a good array of food carts they have a very uh hawaiian food cart and they have musubi which is spam uh rice sushi oh come on portland come on yeah it's it's pretty tasty you have to try it i like spam too but you know what it's spam unless it's some artisanal spam that they're making in Northampton. No, really artisanal. Yeah. It's like marinated and all this stuff. All right.

But it's still spam at the end of the day, so take that for what it's worth. She's from Guam, so she loves spam. I am from Guam. I do. Oh. Cool. Who was that? I remember who was from Guam, who lived on Guam.

Was it L. Ron Hubbard? Did he spend some time on Guam? In Fishtown? Fishtown? I can't remember things. So, all right. But you were going to say, say the name of that again, Wasubi? Musubi.

M-U-S-U-B-I. All right, I'll remember that. And I'm sorry to everyone who was yelling at their podcast devices because I didn't know what that was. At least I know that the Pittsburgh Pirates play in PNC Park. Musubi. All right. So how does anxiety get in the way of your enjoyment of life? There's just little things I overthink like did I actually

lock the door? Did I actually turn off the stove? There's just all these little things that I go through like a mental checklist in my head. Just anxious anxiety things. John Hodgman style. You're living your life

in a state of constant panic that something's going to fail. That sounds about right yes always on a flux of um freaking out yeah and if it weren't for you it literally would all fall apart it would yes the world would collapse as we know it today give me any i'm not joking give me an example oh no i'm not either you how you took charge of something or were cautious when Jake wasn't, and if it weren't for you, Jake would have fallen off a cliff or whatever. Fallen off a cliff? I don't even know. Aside from the obvious, what's a foolhardy thing that Jake does while he's or detail that Jake overlooks while he's so-called enjoying life that you take care of for him? Like locking the door? Paying the bill? I mean, yeah, yeah, sometimes like that.

I mean, I just I think I just overall have a better sense of of our well-being and how we should approach certain things, whereas he's kind of, let's just go at it and try to do it. Let's throw our cautions to the wind and not read any installation manuals and get guns and just store them improperly and everything of that nature. So I just think I'm safer than him, I guess. Jake, is Jananie holding it all together for you guys yes or no you know what it it we we hold each other together we compliment each other how long have you lived together 10 years yeah wow so 10 years you're 27 years old and we haven't lived together 10 years he's he's saying that we've

been together for 10 years we've been together for probably did you meet in college um senior year of high school and then we ended up going to the same place so we continued the relationship where did you go to college uh around here right it's a little it's a little place it's actually a for-profit university what was that you're afraid they're gonna have reprisals as well as if you i don't want to give them advertisement the forbes apartment management school of apartment management they offer technical degrees in in um non-pleasing well i. How'd you get from Guam to Pittsburgh? My father was in the Navy, and we moved around substantially, probably almost every year of my life. And he has family near, not too near to Pittsburgh, but about two and a half hours away.

Jake, have you ever lived on your own without Janie? Yes. Through college, we didn't live together. And did you live by yourself or did you live with other dudes? It was both because he had periods where he didn't have roommates and then he had periods where there were. All right. And would you say it was utter squalor or did you pay the bills? I did all right. I'm still alive. That's barely saying anything. Would you say it was utter squalor or did you get did you did you pay the bills?

I did all right. I'm still alive. That's barely saying anything. Did you ever have to go did you ever have to go into the electric company office to pay back bills that you never paid? Oh, this is a good example. It is a good example. It is a good example. No, but we, I, in my teenage naivety, just stopped paying my internet bill, thinking that they would cancel it after I missed a payment. Just stopped paying. And then I owed a lot of money.

Yeah. And Janie called them and talked down how much I owed. No, actually, I yelled at them completely until they were so exasperated by the fact that I was yelling at them for so long that they just said, OK, fine, we'll close and we're good. I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. Of course you did. I'm going to go backstage at the Rex Theater where I keep my Pittsburgh-based chambers. I need some french fry sandwiches. I'll make my decision in a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Jake and Janie. I don't know. The judge left in a huff. I think he's made his decision before he even has to go think about it. But Jake, have you ever been a victim of crime? No. Have you ever been a victim of crime, Janie? Um, kind of inadvertently when I was in the Philippines, our house was robbed, but I was on the second floor and only the first floor was robbed. But I'm trying to find the psychology behind all this, why Janie is more worried about it.

But then what doesn't make sense to me is Jake not worried about it, angered by the fact that she wants to draw the drapes just so people won't look into the house, but knee-jerk reaction gets his dad to go get a gun for him. Is that a registered firearm under your name? Or would you rather plead the Fifth Amendment, seeing as they were in a courtroom? I'm going'm gonna plead the fifth on that i don't think you need a permit for a shotgun because it's uh it's for hunting huh i'm not sure about the wrongs in the commonwealth of pennsylvania if your dad said it must be true um jake my other question is what if she had appendicitis when she was very sick in Portland? My son's appendix just ruptured earlier this year, and it's a harrowing process.

I'll tell you what I did, actually. I'm sorry to hear that. It was a very scientific approach. I pressed on her stomach, and I had her jump. That's it. That's what we did, too. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. Join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're made in, made in. The Rohan duck, made in, made in. Riders

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teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world, and you get to hear this sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyperacademic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear the sound.

Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. His son didn't hurt either way and he still hadicitis, and it's still ruptured. I'm glad I went to the bathroom in that matter of time. That's always something to do when you feel a little bit sick to make sure. It's like the, you know, reboot your computer before you call IT.

Yeah, exactly. We'll be back in just a moment with Judge John Hodgman's decision. Janie, I just can't help to say that we mean we've gone through this whole process about talking about a gun and have not brought up the aerosmith song janie's got a gun he's got a gun of course that's all i have to say can i come back can i come back now that's all i have to say about that please rise as judge john hodgman re-enters the courtroom. Now I'm going to have that Aerosmith song stuck in my head for the rest of the day. I know.

I know. It's the same thing for me. I had to get back in here before guest bailiff Monty Belmonte turned this into Judge John Hodgman karaoke. Guys, we're all going to start singing along. No way. You guys may be seated. Thank you. Thank you, guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, as always. No way. You guys may be seated. Thank you. Thank you, guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, as always. My pleasure.

Monty Belmonte hosts the morning show here at WRSI, the river in Northampton, Massachusetts, 93.9 on your frequency modulation dial. That's right. And online at wrsi.com. Yes, because we're a commercial radio station. It's just so awesome you think we're a public station. Yeah, exactly. It's commercial.

It's a for-profit radio station like Janie and Jake's Weird College that they won't name. Right. It's actually owned by the Forbes company. I don't know what's going on there. Oh, God. So you guys are adorable creatures of Pittsburgh. Aw, thanks. Yeah.

You're what makes Pittsburgh so livable. Nice people like you. I find it equally adorable that you went to Portland for your vacation. It's our sister, I guess. Yes. Yeah. Cities that are doing okay. Tour. Yeah. Cities that are doing okay. Tour.

Yeah. 2014 or whatever. They have a lot of good food there in Portland. Oh, boy. They do. Jake, it's fun how you guys wanted to take over my podcast just to have a good time with each other when your fight is meaningless. but Sam I'm glad I'm glad you I'm glad you're here in the courtroom because Jake I feel you a little bit when you started to make that argument about Janie and enjoying life and and letting things go a little bit more rather than riding herd on these little details

because truly that is something that I struggle with in my, in my life, double checking the locks all the time. Not, not counting to 35 or whatever every time. It's not, it's not a compulsion, but it is a,

a preoccupation. I would say making sure that the oven is off before you leave the house, making sure the blinds are down so no one steals your snake plant or whatever. And yet I don't feel off of Janie any sort of true OCD stuff that is really getting in the way of her enjoying life. of her enjoying life. I do appreciate from a dumb husbandly point of view, why you might come into,

and by dumb, I mean, you know, dumb. You're not, you're not a husband, but you're, you guys have been together since, you know,

you're 10 years old or whatever. No, 10 years, 14 years. Practically the same thing. That seems right. Yeah. yeah that seems right yeah you've grown up you've grown up together and you're you you are de facto husbandly and in in your almost lock horny and i wish you would stop with that dumb girl stuff of closing the window drains

it makes no sense it makes no sense they know what's in there come on we gotta drive that's not a Pittsburgh accent no no no Pittsburgh accent is one of the strangest no you gotta say like downtown and all that kind of stuff and yins yeah yins is the craziest

that means yours right wow I didn't know I love that you all isn't it it's like a you all yeah yeah yeah and it's it's a it's one of the i thought i i thought i had heard them all from the commonwealth of pennsylvania and the state of maryland in terms of on and you know my mom was from philadelphia and i could never and i grew up with my aunts all doing not doing speaking in a philadelphia accent I could never, and I grew up with my aunts all doing, not doing,

speaking in a Philadelphia accent. I could never, I could never imitate it. And, and Pittsburghian is even more counterintuitive. The words they say, you don't understand how they make the mouth shapes to make those words. Yeah, that's true. But I was just doing my dumb husbandly voice. That's true. But I was just doing my dumb husbandly voice. Stop with the dumb lady thing you do. And I feel you to some degree because I will confess that there have been times in my own marriage where a habit that seems irrational to me annoys me so much that I want to call up a podcast and yell about it, as I'm sure my wife has felt the same with my own irrational habits,

such as checking to make sure that the house is not on fire or whatever. That said, the brio, the giant French fry sandwiches on you, sir, to walk into my courtroom and say, I wish you would quit it with the dumb lady stuff. When you were doing the most dumb guy stuff that I've ever heard in my life. I'm going to get a gun. One thing you don't look. I am not an owner of a gun. And guns have come up on the show quite a bit. should not keep a gun if they do so within the limits of the law and they do so responsibly. For sport shooting, target shooting, hunting, even self-defense.

Keeping a gun in the home, you should know, statistically increases, even when it's properly stored stored statistically increases the chances of someone getting killed by that gun in your home and often self-inflicted death i've brought this up i have brought this up before yeah why you're encouraging jake to kill himself no i was definitely against him getting the gun and i was very adamant about it, but he did his dumb guy stuff and went ahead and got it anyway. This should have been our podcast argument. You should have brought.

Yeah. Yes. He was just right. He didn't want, he didn't want to get a gun. He wanted to get your goat. Goat got got in that one. Both of you.

Goats got got. Yes. T-shirt. That's a T-shirt for this week. Both of you Yin's goats got got. Yes. T-shirt. That's the T-shirt for this week. Both of Yin's goats got got. I love that. That's great. Write it down, someone.

What you've done with regard to that gun is not okay. I mean, it's just not. You should not ever be in a position where you are saying about a firearm that you own. I could be wrong. It could be legal for me to own it, but I could be wrong. It could be this kind of gun, but I could be wrong. You either give that gun straight back to your dad, because I bet your dad would be mad if he heard about this. Maybe not.

Maybe your dad's crazy, too. But I'm telling you, he's a good, no, he's not. He's got a cabinet. He's got a cabinet. He's got a cabinet. If you want to be, if you want to be a gun owner and you know, it sounds like there's some, some gun scuffles you could make an argument. I don't think it's necessary at all for you to have a firearm in your home in Pittsburgh.

I think you can secure that house up pretty darn good. But if you want to own a gun, it is your constitutional right to do so. But I am telling you, don't come on my podcast without knowing what kind of gun you have, what kind of ammunition it takes, having it stored properly, knowing everything there is to know about whether or not it's even legal for you to have everything, everything. You need to know everything about that gun cold. And you have to go out and practice in a controlled environment like a range or out in the woods with your dad for, you know, and get training on that thing.

I don't like that. I don't like having that gun in there unless it's filled with cement and it becomes a toy. So that is order number one. Order number two. Janie, life is a 20-sided die roll. And I kind of like the metaphor too because it's sort of like, you know, it truly is like you can prepare for one to to 12 but there's still eight possibilities on that

20-sided die that you couldn't even think we're gonna come up i think i think jake is a good dude because he came up with that metaphor and he wants you to enjoy your life but uh i don't think you got a problem and i certainly don't think there's any problem with you closing the drapes. All it's going to do is kill your plants. Until that gun gets properly secured, you do whatever you want with the drapes. This is just a little incentive for you, Jake, to do the right and legal thing. Get training on that gun, learn about it, get it secured, or send it away. The minute you have done that to this court satisfaction, I will order Janie to not touch the drapes for a year.

A year. Okay. All right. That way you get to be the dumb husband. My wife can't touch. We can play our respective roles. She can't touch the blinds. I've got a guy to tell her to do it.

She can't touch the blinds. I've got a guy to tell her to do it. But in the meantime, I think that what you should be doing, the dumb guy stuff that either one of you could easily do and should do, is fix the locks on the windows, you guys. I think the electric eye and the movement alarms on those windows are great. That's a good thing that you're doing. But you deserve to have peace and sense of security in your home. If Forbes Management Company won't provide that for you, you should fix those locks on those windows and send them the bill.

And if they give you any trouble, don't ask me to call them. Janie, you're good at yelling at companies. I'll take care of it. Yeah, thank you. I'll take care of it. I find in favor of Janie with gross prejudice vis-a-vis the blinds, and I order Jake to secure that gun and receive training on it or get rid of it, at which point Janie is not allowed to touch the blinds for a year.

Did I say a year, really? A year. It's a year. You did. You said a year. Unless you move, then all bets are off. If you move apartments, then you can touch whatever you need to touch. Okay.

Hooray. And especially if you get married, you can touch whatever you need to touch then. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Jake and Janie. I don't think it was any surprise on how the judge was going to rule when he left the courtroom originally. Jake, what are your thoughts about his ruling?

Do you think you're going to get rid of that gun? Are you going to send it back to dad? Are you going to register it properly? Are you going to fill it with concrete? I think, yeah, I'll learn how to use it. I'll talk to my dad about whether or not I currently legally own it and I'll take care of it. A well-regulated militia, I believe is what the, you are going to get all well-regulated. Yeah, I'll get well regulated janie um do you really feel safer with the curtains drawn is it like being in bed and like i need to sleep with a blanket on me no matter how hot it is because i feel that there is some sort of layer of protection from whatever evils of the world may be lurking in my bedroom at night that little sheet will

protect me from an axe murderer or a boogeyman. Is that all that it is? Yeah, that's pretty, it's a superficial sense of security, yes. I admit that. Well, as long as you feel safe, maybe you will act safe, and then you'll go on and have a better life.

Like Jake ultimately wants for you. You'll live without fear. Yeah, and thanks to this ruling, I mean, I don't really have to abide by that, so I can just touch the blinds. like Jake ultimately wants for you. You will live without fear. Yeah. And thanks to this ruling, I mean, I don't really have to abide by that, so I can just touch the blinds. You keep touching the drapes as much as you buy extra drapes. You have those night blindness ones

that can block out the sun completely. I'll get like five of them and stack them. Or get drapes that look like you have an abandoned apartment in there. So that nobody will want to break in. I would encourage people to break in. I would encourage people to move in. Yeah, then they might try to squat.

So maybe don't do that. Yeah. So no, that's not good. Well, thank you both for being on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. It was our pleasure. That was great. Hello, teachers and faculty.

This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience one you have no choice but to embrace because yes listening is mandatory the jv club with janet varney is available every thursday on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts thank you and remember no running in the halls if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ugh! We are so close.

Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Time to clear the docket, Judge John Hodgman. I'm ready. Matt writes, my dispute is with my friend Randy, who has had a fractured tooth for well over a year.

I sign in favor of Randy. No, go on. His tooth is now infected. He constantly complains of tooth pain and overuses pain relief pills and aura gel. He protests that he can handle the pain. He'll only listen to you, his idol. Will you please order that he seek treatment? I do so order because tooth infection can be very dangerous

and can lead to far worse conditions and even death. It's like appendicitis. You don't want to joke around with it. No, don't joke around. There are all kinds of weird new linkages based on this article I read on HowStuffWorks.com, home of Josh and Chuck's Stuff You Should Know, another good podcast, friend of the show, saying that for some time, quote, this is my quote, scientists have been seeing a statistical correlation between poor oral health and heart disease.

Also, other statistical links, including associations between poor oral health and stroke, rheumatoid arthritis, some cancers, diabetes, respiratory infections, and pregnancy problems, according to the American Academy of Periodontology. Bacteria in the mouth can invade the body. Finding the link between oral hygiene and cardiovascular problems is right at the top of the list because people with periodontal disease, gum disease, have twice the risk of developing coronary artery disease, according to perio.org. Again, that's howstuffworks.com is where I got that information. The truth is, any infection is serious and can become much more serious.

And generally speaking, they're finding more links between oral health and other more serious diseases. So don't be a tough guy. If you've got a bad tooth, get it fixed. If you've got a region of your abdomen is in intense pain, go see a doctor about it. Don't let your boyfriend talk you out of it. If you have a sense that you might have appendicitis, because that could be fatal within hours, right? Yeah. What should we, what's the message we need to give to

the listeners? About appendicitis? About appendicitis. Well, what they say is... Since you learned the hard way. The hard way, yeah. And luckily everything worked out fine. Luckily, he was in the hospital for a week, a six-year-old. They say, you know, we did the same thing, WebMD. What do you do? How do you know if it's appendicitis or just a regular stomachache? Have them jump up and down.

If they can jump up and down, it's probably not appendicitis. Well, six-year-old could jump up and down. Push in on where it hurts, and if it hurts when it's coming out, when your hand is coming out of where you pushed in, then it's probably appendicitis. If it hurts on the way in, it's probably not. Well, it didn't hurt either way, and turned out it was still appendicitis. It turns out six-year-olds have a hard time articulating the nuances of pain. Right.

And that's really why his appendix ruptured, because he's a little tough guy. But, you know. And I just say to Randy, well, first of all, you're his idol. Don't you want to be a little more encouraging? Less harsh? Or is this tough love? Oh, I'm Randy's idol? That's what it says, yeah.

He'll only listen to you, his idol. I don't care about that. Take care of your teeth, dude. It's not the Middle Ages. Drink a lot of whiskey until then. Clean it all out. But question. You seem to be saying that the key to appendicitis, or the takeaway, is you just have no idea.

It's better to go get it checked out right away. In the olden days... And what kind of pain was he complaining about that led you to even look at the internet? He vomited, so I just thought it was a vomiting flu. And then he was really lethargic, and then he did say, it hurts right here, and specifically pointed to it.

And I said, well, that's where your appendix are. That's the lower right abdomen. If you have a pain in that area, just like if you have chest pain, don't mess around with it. Although I feel like I have chest pain like every day. And I can't go to the hospital every day. Hang on.

Hajmina, you're friends with my six-year-old whose appendix ruptured earlier. I just want everyone to know, summertime, all rules are off. My daughter has entered the studio. And her name for purposes of, is Hajmina. And my six-year-old will be Bell Minnie. Hajmina, you know Bell Minnie. I do. And his appendix ruptured earlier this year.

Any advice for little kids on how better to articulate their pain so their parents know that it's more than just a regular stomachache and it could be a potentially fatal appendix rupture? No, she's not a little kid. What's wrong with you? You were a little kid a lot closer when I was a little kid. I think that they should put it into writing.

Write down their pain. Yes. And then maybe get published. Yes. Definitely. I think that's good advice. Why are you making a joke? I'm not. I think it is good advice. Alright, good. Shall we continue? Yeah. You have to weigh in on this. Come around here.

You have to stay on the microphone. And he's going to read something, some kind of fight between people, and we're going to tell them who's right and who's wrong. Shelly writes, I come from a loud family and will admit that at times I have trouble controlling the volume of my voice. My dispute is with my husband, Ryan. He will frequently interrupt me to tell me to speak more quietly. Shh, Monty. Shh. Or in an effort to be less intrusive, he'll mime a lowering motion with his hands. Either way, I find this rude. I don't

want to do damage to Ryan's ears, and I try to keep my voice down, but sometimes I can't help it. Judge, I ask that if Ryan wants me to speak more quietly, he waits until I at least finish a sentence. All right, Ajmina, I know what I think is, I think I know who's right and who's wrong. What do you think? I think that, I think, I think that you should stop talking so loudly. I don't know. You'll break his ears. No, that seems impossible.

You think that Shelly is wrong because she's talking too loudly, and it's okay for Ryan in the middle of a sentence to say, shh. I think that he should register that she's being loud in a more reasonable way. And she should also stop being so loud. Yeah. All right. How would you feel if we were out at a dinner party? Let's say we're at a dinner party.

And you're telling a story about your life. And all of a sudden I go, you're being too loud, little girl. Be quiet. How would you feel? You'd be mad, right? Definitely. Right. Yeah. Don't make adults feel bad. Don't make adults like Shelly or my 12-year-old daughter

who is technically 35 years old inside feel like children by shushing them in the middle of a sentence. Brian, it is okay for you to spare Shelly or my daughter's embarrassment of being a loud talker, but only if you are not embarrassing her while trying to spare her that embarrassment. Take her aside later and say, I'm sorry, my dear wife. You talk a little bit too loud, it's embarrassing, and you smell bad.

You can add the comment on smell. That's optional. All people who talk loudly smell bad, by and large. Do you agree or disagree? I agree. Where am I wrong? I think, no, I think that if you're talking, like, there's nothing wrong with telling someone they're talking too loudly.

You should just, like you said, do it in a less conspicuous way. In private. Pull them aside and yell at them privately. Shut up! Can you believe how loud you are? You're embarrassing me. Now, Ajmina, I have one final task for you before we leave. Hajmina, I have one final task for you before we leave.

I want you to say, in as condemning a voice as you can, Forbes Management Company of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, you should be ashamed of yourself. Forbes Management Company of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, you should be ashamed of yourself. I think we've got an infomercial. Oh, yeah. An attack ad. Thank you very much. From the mouths of babes, young adults.

Thank you very much. That was a summertime experiment, which I think went very well. I think so, too. She would be a future judge. She's going to be. That kid's got a podcast in her future. Hajmina, help us all. Oh my God. Well, thanks to Matt Cadretta for suggesting this week's

case name, Daily Security Beefing. To suggest a name for a future case, like us on Facebook. We regularly put out a call for submissions. I've been your guest bailiff, Monty Belmonte from WRSI 93.9 The River in Northampton, Massachusetts, where I host the morning show.

I'm in the program director and do a bunch of other things, including sometimes guest bailiff with Judge John Hodgman. Thanks to Julia Smith, who produces the show, Mark McConville, our editor. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining us for the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.