Judge John Hodgman - Die Flederhaus

Episode Date: November 4, 2020

CONTENT WARNING: This episode contains an extremely brief mention of SARS and respiratory disease from 17:40-18:32.This week we are revisiting a courtroom classic with a rerun of the beloved BAT BROTHERS episode! Brothers Adam and Noah share a home bought out of foreclosure. They are slowly fixing up the house together and the monthly payment is cheap, but it comes at a cost: bats! The webbed-winged creatures seem to be entering the house through the cracks in the unfinished roof of the bathroom. Animal-lover Noah is spooked by their presence, but would rather keep the bats confined to the bathroom than see them come to harm. His brother Adam meanwhile has a lust for blood matched only by vampire bats, and would like his brother to join him in beating them to death. Should the brothers run in fear, or face their phobias head-on? And just what is the solution to this flying mammal mess? ONLY ONE CAN DECIDE!For an update on the Bat Brothers, listen to our follow-up interview, conducted in December 2013. And make sure to follow Bat Brother Noah on Instagram!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. And with me is Judge John Hodgman from Brooklyn, New York City. Yeah, that's where I am. I am also like you, Jesse Thorne, in the past, like all podcasts, we record these a little bit ahead of time. And so we are recording this the week before Election Day. We do not know the outcome of the election, certainly in the past, and maybe there in the future when you're listening to this, you still don't know. I hope you do, though. But since the future is uncertain, we thought maybe this would be a good time to break the settled law,

the nostalgia is a toxic impulse, and take comfortable refuge in the past when one of our most beloved episodes this is the one where when people ask me for an example of what judge john hodgman is this story is the story i tell them it's the bat brothers from 2012 eight years ago eight years these brothers have been pinging around inside my mind yeah adam and noah share a home that they bought together out of foreclosure and the problem is that it's invested with bats and adam and noah have very different ideas of how to deal with the bats. I have to say, John, in retrospect, the element of this amazing tale that sticks with me the most, the one that comes back to me more often than any other has nothing to do with bats flying into bathrooms. It's merely that as a resident of a large coastal city where homes cost $1.5 million dollars i often think of

the bat brothers buying a giant house to save money that's right uh you so enjoy this trip into the past this is going all the way back to 2012 as jennifer marmer pointed out pre-mustache logo judge john hodgman the old stuff a A wonderful vintage episode of Judge John Hodgman that should, I hope, bring you pleasure no matter how you're feeling right now, you in the future. So without further ado, let's get to the courtroom. Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week's case, Der Fleeterhaus. Noah and his brother Adam got a deal on a house in foreclosure, and now they live there together while they're slowly fixing it up. The issue is

that the house is infested with bats that slip through the cracks in the bathroom walls. Noah is disturbed by the bats' presence, can't imagine why, and prefers to avoid them at all costs by shutting them into the bathroom. Adam thinks Noah is being a wimp and should confront the bats head on. How should they deal with their flying mammal problem? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Justice!

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Justice! Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Bat Justice! Uh, Jesse, would you please just check and make sure the courtroom is free from bats and snakes?

I'm not going to check. Okay, swear them in, but I'm going to continue to wear my helmet. What do you think I am, the bailiff? Please stand and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? Yes. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he himself has been known as a creature of the night? Even more so.

Very well. Judge Hodgman? Okay, you are both brothers, Noah and Adam. Noah is the plaintiff bringing the case. Noah, are you the older or younger brother, please? The older. You are the older brother? Yes, sir. And you two live together in a house that was foreclosed, and there is a problem with bats. Noah? Yes. Why don't you tell me more about the problem with bats? Well, the fact that they're here is probably the biggest problem. They shouldn't be in a house.

They should be in a cave. Let me get a little bit more information of the house. Is your house a house that is built upside down hanging under the bridge in Austin, Texas, the largest urban bat colony in the world?

No, but I do know April 1st is going to be very interesting for them. Why is that? Because they're known in some cultures, in Native American cultures, as a trickster god? No, more about the Today in Ragnarok entry where the bats are going to be screaming, nesting in visitors' hair, begging for asylum. That part's a little worrisome. You are making reference to my book, That Is All. I have to, yes.

Is this Noah speaking now? Yes. All right. I reject your pandering. Mark him down. Mark him down one on the justice scale. That's down. Minus one for you.

That's fine. I'll accept it. Is that an actual scale? It is. This is scales of justice. Alright. Take one off for the other brother too, Noah. No, for Adam. Take one off for Adam.

It's a scale of justice and it's piled high with bats on both sides. And as you offend me, I will take a bat away. And the other party will be closer to justice. This is how it was done in colonial times by witches.

In witch court. Now listen to me. Tell me more about the house. It is not on the underside of a bridge in Austin, Texas. Where is it located? In Paola, Kansas. Okay, and it's a house that was foreclosed?

Several times, as far as I understand. Okay, and describe the house to me. A small two-story house with, well, holes where there shouldn't be. Mainly this bathroom area is an unfinished room where we have kind of insulation nailed up and things, but it's a lot of wind and things have access to that area. And is it your belief that the bats are living inside the house or just coming inside the house? I hear them in the walls, so I'm thinking that they are at least here most of the time.

And you two are brothers, is that correct? Yes. And are you ghost hunters? No. We haven't had ghosts yet. Describe to me the reality television show that you are shooting where the two brothers

buy up foreclosed bat infested homes and live in there together? What show is that? Is that on HGTV? Is that Bat Brothers? Is that you? Not yet, but it sounds like a good pitch. Okay. Why are you doing this to yourselves? Why are you living together in a bat infested home? It was cheap. Are you from Kansas originally? Yes. Yes. I had been overseas for a bit and they had, my brother and parents had bought this house. And when I came back, I've kind of moved in.

Although I guess the bats were here first. So maybe I'm the problem. And how much did this depressing haunted home with holes in the walls and bats all over the place cost you? $27,000. $27,000. Well, it's not bad. I don't know the Kansas Haunted House real estate market particularly well, but that's a pretty good deal, huh? Yeah. Once you get rid of all the bats in this house and replace it with snakes, you're going to flip it, and how much will you sell it for? This is mostly just a living-in house. We just took advantage of pre-flippers, if that's the term. I gotcha. Describe to me what it is like for you, Noah, when you are in the bathroom and a bat comes in. If you've seen the evidence, the pictures that I sent you, it's pretty much fear-inducing and a lot of shrieking like a girl and running out of the room.

Well, you did send in evidence, photographs of the bathroom. I have a feeling that this is doctored evidence because there's a picture of, is that you? Yes, I had one that was not doctored and one that was, just so you could compare. First of all, it is never necessary for anyone to send me photographs of themselves sitting down in a bathroom. Just put that down. Take a bat off the scale for him. Okay, second of all, you are staring at a doctored photograph of a gigantic bat with the head of the famous Weekly World News bat boy on it.

That is not the problem, right? That is not real. That is my emotional reaction to the situation. Okay, take another bat off for doctoring photographs. It's not looking good for you, Noah. Oh, well. Okay, so I do, but I mean, I do see these pictures of the bathroom,

and they are terrifying, but not because of bats. This is a grim scene. What we have here is, it looks like a cabin made out of old boards with a fiberglass insulation roof, some pieces of drywall haphazardly stacked against one another to form a shower, a shower curtain, which as far as I can tell

is a navy blue towel clamped to something. And then you have your, I don't think there's a single right angle in this photograph everything is like a weird gross lean-to that you're in it's a terror downer is it not it was at one point it's it's slowly being resurrected oh so you are you are renovating it yes as money and things um come. We're both students at the moment and not working, so it's kind of that's why we haven't paid money to exercise the house of the bat problem. What are you studying, Noah? Instructional design and technology. Okay, that's meaningless. Adam, what are you studying?

Respiratory therapy. Respiratory therapy? Yeah. Okay, so you're helping people in the world and you're the and you're the tough brother obviously noah when you're in there sitting down in the bathroom tell me about a bat coming in a real experience yes this this was why i took it from that angle just um because that's what i was looking at. Where the bat is at is approximately where it came out through the wall at the top there. I have a picture here of the corner, the top corner above the shower where there is clearly a bat hole between the top of the wall and the piece of pink fiberglass that you are using as your roof right now. Yes, that's where it had come out. And I was, well, occupied at the moment when it did.

And like I had mentioned, the whole screaming and running part. But, you know. So tell me again, the bat starts coming out. What color is the bat? It was at least a darkish brown to black. I couldn't, I would say a very dark brown probably. So it was not a golden, a giant golden head fox bat? With the Weekly World News head?

No. That was just one that I found on a very quick Google image search. And so when it crawled out, what did it do next? It came straight for my face. Did it look around and say, oh my god, it's gross in here. Goodbye. No, I think they were part of the renovation problem. So, yeah, they think they're used to it. So it came straight at your face? Really? Well, that was kind of a, if you see the picture, it was pretty much just a straight, that was just the first straight path for it to come at.

I don't want to talk about the picture anymore because we've established that the picture is phony. Okay. I mean, where I'm sitting. You might as well have sent in a Thomas Nast engraving of a bat attacking a guy. I don't care. I want you to draw me a word picture that is accurate and not word photoshopped. Do you understand? Starting now. Yes. Bat comes out. Describe it to me narratively. Okay, it was a smallish bat, probably about the size of my fist. No, you don't know how I'm a professional writer. Listen to me.

Start by saying it was a dark and stormy night. Yes, it was a dark and stormy night. It wasn't actually, but yes, the bat crawled out. It was probably, it was after dusk, probably when they were out feeding and moving around. It may have become lost trying

to get out of the attic to go eat mosquitoes and whatnot i heard the rustling in the wall area that goes from the basement up through that shower and then i it emerged from that area and flew straight towards me it then kind of just bounced around in that area until I was able to kind of jump out and run for the living room. Did it bang its gross, mousy, greasy body against your face? It did not. Did it make any contact with you whatsoever? No.

All right. And what sound did you make as this was happening? I don't know. I think it's like the Confederate yell, which where you can't really make it unless you're in that situation. But I imagine it was very high-pitched and not very manly. Okay. Let's do it this way. I'm a bat.

You make the sound. What's the sound of my wings? What? Are you a bat too? No, that was the kind of eek that would come out. Come on. It was very girlish. Take another bat off the scale.

Don't Photoshop it. Just do it. What do you sound like when you scream? We need to get a sense of this. I don't scream enough to really be able to tell you what it was like. It's probably like, whoa. Okay. Yeah. All right. So you probably like, whoa. Okay. Yeah.

All right. So you weren't that scared. Adam, describe to me the bat problem you have in your house. Are there a lot of bats, or is this a one-time occurrence? Approximately every three months, one comes out until I kill it. What? Okay. One comes out every three months until you kill it.

Every three months a bat emerges from the bathroom? No. I've had them come out through my room. Basically, this house was originally built in around 1890, and then the people that added on to it just kind of put rooms in places. One of my closets used to be the exterior, so there's siding inside the closet. It's a hodgepodge house, basically. What's that supposed to mean, sir? Like if you took two or three different houses and kind of put them together. Oh, a hodgepodge house? Yeah.

Three bats off. Take three bats. It's offensive. Why? Oh. Offensive. Yeah. Okay. Anyways.

All right. So it's basically the Winchester Mystery House that you're living in. A bunch of different rooms added onto one another. There's no code observed when building it. Doubtful. Okay. Let's take a quick break from this classic episode of Judge John Hodgman. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on maximum fun or

wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try St-o-p-p-o-d-c-a-s-t-i hmm are you trying to put the name of the podcast there yeah i'm trying to spell it but it's tricky let me give it a try okay if you need a laugh and you're on the go call s-t-o-p-p-p-a-d-i it'll never fit no it will let me try if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p-p-p-d-c-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O.

Ugh! We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Welcome back to a classic episode of judge john hodgman let's go back into our time machine in 2012 and so bats will emerge from any place once every three months or so and then describe to me what how do you what do you do how do you how do you take care of these things like first time it happened i was asleep and then I noticed a bat coming at me.

So I laid there trying to figure out if I was still asleep, and then I got up and got a book and hid it. And that's basically variations of that have happened. And sometimes basically any flat aerodynamic object becomes a cudgel. And when you say the bat was coming at you, was it crawling up your chest or was it fluttering around? It just flew near enough to me to startle me. Did it look like it was freaking out and was trying to get out or did it look like it was coming at you? No, I think they're trying to get out. And I've actually a couple

times tried to, you know, usher them out, but they don't cooperate. So eventually, since I don't want rabies, I end up, you know, killing them. Well, right. I mean, that's an important thing, right? Because bats are vectors for a lot of different diseases. Most humans who get rabies get them from bats, according to my research. They also are a vector for the respiratory ailment known as SARS, which I would think would concern you as a respiratory therapist in training. You don't want to have to trach yourself, do you? No, I think it would concern anybody with lungs. So why do you want to live with these bats?

I don't necessarily want to. We've looked into getting them done, and the areas around here say they don't do that, the people we've contacted. Really? I just want to throw some poison up in the attics, and I've been vetoed. I'm perfectly confident that you are willing and eager to take matters into your own hands with poison and cudgels. I'm fairly pragmatic. with poison and cudgels. That's really pragmatic.

Yeah, I'm sure you would trach all these bats to death in one night if you were given leave to. But there's no professional exterminator that you've researched that will take care of all these bats? Not in our price range. Oh, okay, that's a different story. Noah, what's your take on this? There are none very close. There's some within maybe 40 miles or so, but they're charging more than we're willing to spend at this point, not having jobs. Everyone knows you live in the scary bat house of Kansas. What's the town again?

Paola. Paola. Paola, Kansas? Like P-A-Y-O-L-A? P-A-O-L-A. Oh, Paola. Paola. Paola, Kansas? Like P-A-Y-O-L-A? P-A-O-L-A. Oh, Paola. Okay. You know, you live in the creepy house. You live in the creepy bat house of Paola, Kansas. You're the two brothers who are fool enough to buy this place.

No one's ever going to go a bat wing's length near it. But if they're not giving an estimate, how do you know that it's out of your price range? Well, they wouldn't look around to really pin it down, but they said just the bare minimum would be about $400 just for them to look around. And that wasn't just kind of off the top of their head. Right. And you guys are living in a fiberglass and drywall shack full of bats. So I'm just going to stipulate that $400 is more than you are able to pay for the peace of mind.

No, I'd pay that if that was, you know, for the job, not to just come and look. What's the maximum amount you would pay to get the bats? $600. $600, okay. Because at that point, they're going to be doing with fancy machines what you could just do with a dictionary, right, sir? Or poison. Or what kind of poison would you put up there?

I don't know, like those bombs they put, you know, when they put in when they tent a house. I figure that should kill pretty much anything. Right, but your house has completely porous walls. There's no way a bug bomb is going to work in there. I don't know. I mean, you throw a couple of them in there, it should be all right. So, Noah, your brother seems extremely eager to pump your house full of toxins and try to take care of this bat problem. Why is that not sufficient for you?

Well, in addition to being a coward, I also would prefer not to harm animals, if at all possible. What? They're not, I mean, they're good for the, you know, getting mosquitoes and everything else. They didn't ask for us to move in. I mean, they're not malicious in their intent. They're just confused and visiting where we'd prefer not to have them. So what solution do you propose? If we could bat-proof the house at some point where they could get out but not come back in. So basically just make them homeless but not dead.

Noah, bat-proof the house, how are you going to... So there's a colony of bats clearly living... You have a basement? Yes. Okay, you think that's where the bats are? They have access through the attic, basement, and all over. They run the house.

They're most likely in the chimney. That, from research, seems to be where they go in older houses. So you've done some research into bats? Yes. It's not uncommon, apparently. Just uncommon to keep them there. And so how could you possibly without just as an alternative

as an alternative as an alternative Okay, Bailiff Jesse, I think you have been bitten by a bat and you've now gotten laughing rabies. It's just uncommon to keep them there. But I don't know There's's bats in their house that's why

i'd prefer they be just relocated but not slaughtered sure and just for maybe the fact that i know with adam's method of beating them with whatever seems to be handy uh that some of the diseases can be transmitted through saliva and blood, which he could easily be covered in. So I would, you know, prefer to urge them out. In my mind, I pictured him covered in saliva and blood right now. That was the mental picture that I had. I haven't seen him lately. It's possible. And how are you guys, what do you guys get, the public library?

How are you reaching me via computer? You live in a room full of, a shack full of holes and bats. You have broadband up in there? Yes. Huh, yeah, I wonder what your priorities really are. So you want to get rid of the bats. What's the method that you're going to suggest? I said just waiting until they're out.

I've looked at sealing up holes and things, but giving them some kind of exit when they go out to feed at night and then sealing it up so they can't come back in. Or a drum circle, whatever. Okay. I don't know. I mean, that seems like a more or less effective method.

If you seal up the holes in the bathroom, right? And if you seal up all the other holes that the bats are coming through which i would recommend you do anyway right and then you i guess wait maybe you both climb onto the roof and wait until dark of night and watch all the bats fly out of the chimney and then seal up the chimney, would they, wouldn't that solve the problem, Adam? No,

because one, we don't have a count of them too. They're like mice. They can squeeze their body and get through lots of areas. It's not really feasible. I mean, without basically plastering the entire house over, you know,

from the foundation up, it's not going to happen. It would go into many thousands of dollars rather than poison. Well, just to consider your hypothetical batacost further, if you were to poison them all, Adam, wouldn't that mean your house would be packed full of bat corpses that would just rot there? Yeah. Well, do you happen to know whether professional bat removal actually removes the carcasses of the bats?

I'm not sure. No, I don't know. Okay. I believe they do, but if we don't seal up the house, then a new brood will come in at some point. What do you mean? There's another gang of bats next door just waiting to move in once these guys are killed? Could be. I haven't kept tabs on the bat population. So, let me just make sure I understand. Noah, you're saying you want to go through a house sealing up process and hope that the bats self-deport basically, right? To urge them along that way, but in the meantime, don't make it easy for them to come out of that bathroom area and surprise us.

How would you accomplish that? Keeping the lights on and keeping the door closed. If you see that one picture where I have cardboard blocking the top area so they can't squeeze through. You really know how to do it up nice, that's for sure. We're going to finish the ceiling. You're like the Renovation Brothers on HGTV.

You know how I got some cardboard and I put that up? Here's what I see. Is it the Renovation Brothers, Jesse? What are those two weird Canadian dudes? One of them's a magician. I think... Wait a minute. Property brothers. You're just describing Cirque du Soleil. Well, no, it's true. Property brothers, two Canadian guys go around renovating houses, and one of them's a part-time stage magician in Las Vegas. You can tell he's the magician

because he's got blonde highlights. And they go around describing their vision. And you're like, those guys are like, let's just put up some cardboard. I see the cardboard here and the duct tape solution. Guys, I have to ask you, what's your long-term plan for this house? That's not representative of the rest of the house. But there was mold in there when we got it. And it just hasn't, the ceiling hasn't been put up.

That's due to basically laziness and procrastination. Yeah, most of the house is much nicer than that. That's just, I think they're coming through there because that is the open area. Well, how much would it cost for you to finish this bathroom? Why don't you just finish this bathroom up good? I'm not sure how much it would cost. We'd have to look into that. Not very much. We have the sealing materials. So it's just through laziness and procrastination?

Pretty much. In part. Whose laziness and whose procrastination? Both. It's a group effort. The two of you are fixing this up yourselves? No. Obviously not. My dad is going to help us with it. Neither of us is very handy.

I've started on it, but if I do it, it'll just be done, but it'll be ugly. Okay. I think I have everything I need to make my decision. Let me go into chambers. Jesse, clear the chambers of snakes and bats. I'll go in there and I'll hide for a little while and then I'll come back. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Noah, can you sleep at night with the constant threat of bat attacks? It's difficult because they also come out right next to my bedroom here

and I hear them in the walls of my bedroom. So it's a little scary. Have you thought about renting? That would be more expensive. This is very cheap. Our house payments may be $200 a month. So it's kind of a trade-off. Holy mackerel.

So this is actually a cheaper solution than living in a car. Probably if it was a halfway decent car, yes. Wow. Adam, are you really more lazy than you are afraid of being attacked by a bat while you're asleep? No, I'm less handy than i am anything but yeah it doesn't really bother me that much it happens on occasion and finishing the bathroom just fixes that one room like i said they've come in through my room a couple times they go up through other areas killing the bats the solution to that wouldn't the bats just wouldn't different bats just come if you killed the bats that were in the house?

That's no us theory. I don't know. Adam, I get the impression that there's not a lot that bothers you. I guess not. When you say that you've lived in places that were worse. I lived in a basement that flooded on occasion

because of a slumlord in college. So yeah, this is better than being constantly sick due to mildew. Fair enough. We'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say before we get to the verdict. I'm going to head over to the chambers so that the judge and I can briefly discuss

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that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. Guys, you got to do something about these bats. They're inside your house.

I lived for a period of time in a house that was infested with mice, which are very similar to bats except less creepy. Good intentioned people can come to live as animals as the presence of an invasive species seems more and more intractable and normal and such that you do not pause when you open your silverware drawer to find it full of rolling mouse feces. Nor do you pause to continue to invite friends over for weekends in the country and serve them food from silverware that has touched mouse feces. This is a terrible, terrible animalistic spiral that the two species are going through together. You are being dragged down to Winchester Mystery House-style craziness by these bats. And I don't think the bats are enjoying it very much either. Two of you have to end this codependent relationship as soon as possible.

And you need to begin living again like humans. In many ways, the problem is not that you're living with bats. The most interesting problem is that you're living with each other. Yeah. I would agree, yeah. You guys have very different worldviews, and I'm trying to put my finger on exactly what pop cultural reference I can make, but there may not be one. You're certainly not the same.

Rabies-infested odd couple. Yeah. All right. There you go. See, this is what I'm saying. Rabies-infested odd couple. That's better than anything I could have come up with. Who's that?

Noah. All right, Noah. You seem to be the one with your finger on the pulse of entertainment. Here's what you're going to do. Yes, I have no life. Yes, I agree. Here's what you're going to do. You're going to call up, I don't care who it is, TLC, Discovery, History Channel.

There's got to be a historical. Is there any history to this house? I haven't researched. It's old enough to be, but we're in an area that it's probably just very sad. Let me put it this way. Is there anything in the house that you could potentially sell at a pawn shop? No, if there's anything at that point, then it was taken whenever we moved in. I'm trying to help you here.

Yes, I understand. Just say, yeah, I suppose there's something. Sure, there's got to be something. Great, then it's for the History Channel, HGTV. You call them up, you explain to them it's like rabies infested odd couple we're the bat brothers we live in a crazy foreclosed home full of bats and every now and then they come out and frighten of frighten us and one of us screams like a baby and the other one smashes it with an OED. Come down and film this.

Just give us enough money to take care of the bats. Because here's the thing. There is a big part of me that really wants to tell Adam, go for it. Bug bomb those bats out of existence. Because I think it would be amusing to him. And would go a long way to getting rid of the problem. But I don't think a solution to this problem involves adding on to this house that is plugged up with cardboard and fiberglass the problem of walls and basements full of bat corpses

slowly decaying. I don't think that's going to be a good solution. But you really do need to get rid of the bats because, you know, I don't mean to be alarmist. There are those who believe that bats come into your house. It's a superstition. That is an omen of your death. I do not believe in that.

But it is the case that bats are vectors for a lot of different diseases. Bat bites can be very subtle, and you might not detect them until it's too late to be properly vaccinated against rabies. It's a big deal. This is not a way that you want to live your life. So I order you and I order everyone in the audience to contact everyone you know at every cable channel and encourage them to contact the Bat Brothers via that these guys aren't willing to pay for. And if that does not come to fruition, I am telling you guys, put a bat jar aside. And every time your brother kills something or every time your other brother screams, put $5 in there

and raise the money to get some professional bat removal experts down there and get rid of it. Or else you don't deserve to live in a ramshackle shack. This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Noah, Adam, you're living in nightmarish squalor. But at least you have the comfort of a firm decision. Right? Yes, it's more cut and dried than many of that I've heard from this podcast. Noah, has Adam ever not grumbled about anything? Like if I told Adam I was getting him Maserati for his birthday, would he grumble about that?

You heard that he likes to beat things with blunt objects, and I live in the same house. What would you answer? Well, no, Adam, I hope we've helped a little bit. Thank you very much for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. I have a Maserati coming. Put that in with the TLC or whatever deal.

And with all due respect, Jesse, the next time you have another child or you have to go to Europe to put on some ties and special socks or whatever it is you do that takes you away from this podcast from time to time, I would like to recruit Adam as a new guest bailiff in the future. I think Adam is much better equipped to be the bailiff than I am. Thank you. Good luck with the bats.

Take care. So that was our classic episode. I would dare say, Jesse Thorne, that you as a vintage enthusiast, we might call it a vintage episode. A flea market episode of judge john hodgman if you will uh all judge sean hodgman episodes are flea market episodes let's be honest that's true when when it comes down to it you know i i kind of wish that this were true that it was just you and me and a ratty card table in the middle of a parking lot selling podcasts

on a sunday afternoon john flea market episode may be too generous. Swap meet episode. We are selling tube socks at the drive-in movie theater. Oh, but if you want to catch up with what the Bat Brothers were doing, at least in 2013, go to our show page at MaximumFun.org. There's a follow-up interview from a year later. And if you want to know at least what noah bat brother is up to these days you can join me in following him on instagram he's noah k

sturdivant n-o-a-h-k-s-t-u-r-d-e-v-a-n-t the brothers no longer live together no has traveled the world has a child uh and they're all doing doing fine. And the bats in that house are free to live. They actually ended up selling the house to the bats. That's right. And you know what? The bats flipped it. The bats totally- Put in some of that horizontal fencing.

Yeah. Yeah. They put subway tile on the kitchen walls, broke it out into an open living space, and they flipped it for a lot of bat money. Luckily, none of the bats were Dracula's. I looked into it, Jesse. None of the bats were Dracula's. Thank goodness.

However you're feeling out there in the world about the world, I hope you enjoyed this vintage episode of Judge John Hodgman, Jesse Thorne, my bailiff and yours. And I shall return next week with a brand new episode of Judge John Hodgman, Jesse Thorne, my bailiff and yours. And I shall return next week with a brand new episode of Judge John Hodgman. Until then, please take good care. Our producer is the ever capable Jennifer Marmer. Back then, it was the great Julia Smith. You can find us, of course, on Instagram. You can find us on Twitter, and you can submit your cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. We do not accept cases against elected officials, unless the elected official is down.

I mean, if the elected official is into it, we might. Yeah, look at this. Noah posted a photo from 2019. Look what I found in a used bookstore in Bangkok on his 40th birthday. A copy of the air is my expertise. This, if nothing else, this episode reminds us that time is a thing. It does pass and things do change. And we'll talk to you next week on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.