Judge John Hodgman - Dish Soap or Hand Soap?

Episode Date: November 8, 2010

Judge Hodgman settles a marital dispute: should the kitchen sink dispense dish soap or hand soap?

All rise, the court of Judge John Hodgman is now in session. This week, the case of the kitchen sink. Our disputants, a married couple, Caleb and Evelyn. Their dispute, what type of soap should be put into their kitchen sink dispenser? Please welcome Judge John Hodgman. You may be seated. I trust you actually were not standing up, Caleb and Evelyn? No, we weren't. I am Judge John Hodgman. Thank you, Bailiff Jesse. How are you actually were not standing up, Caleb and Evelyn. No, we weren't. I am Judge John Hodgman.

Thank you, Bailiff Jesse. How are you, Bailiff Jesse? I'm doing okay. Beautiful weather here in Los Angeles, where my part of the courtroom is. I now have all of the podcasting equipment that you sent to me by the mails set up. I'm wearing my silvery tuxedo. I have freed the chimpanzees and swallows. I put on the little sibilant screen so there is no popping.

And I think we're ready to dispense some justice. I see you've customized your robe with a few stripes on the shoulder, Pirates of Penzance style. Very much like the late Chief Justice William Rehnquist. And that was Pinafore, by the way. Oh, excuse me. Let those who seek justice come before me. Caleb and Evelyn, is that correct?

Yes. Yes, Judge. Do you both honorably promise to tell the truth to the best of your ability and knowledge at this time? I do. I do. Very well. You may kiss your opponent and speak your problem.

Why don't we start with ladies first, always. Evelyn, what's the problem? Well, we got a new faucet, and this has a built-in soap dispenser. And since before it was even installed, the dispute has been what kind of soap should be in the soap dispenser. Let me just clarify for a moment. Is this a kitchen sink that we're talking about? This is, in fact, the kitchen sink, yes.

So you have a new faucet for the kitchen sink and it has a built-in soap dispenser. So it's like a pump on the right or the left-hand side? On the right side. Very nice. What brand did you get? I have no idea. Quality stuff, quality stuff. All right, go on.

Since the first day there has been a dispute, should there be dish soap or hand soap in the dispenser? Sure. My position is dish soap. For the washing of dishes? Correct. Caleb, what's your position on this? My position is hand soap because...

And I have several reasons. Let me ask you this. What could you possibly be thinking? I could be thinking that when I want to wash my hands, I don't want to have to reach under the counter and get out hand soap. And when I want to wash dishes, I can be bothered to get under the sink and get out dish soap. Is it safe to say that you wash your hands a lot more often than you wash the dishes?

Yes. I see. Because you have a condition? You have OCD or something? No, because we tend to let dishes pile up. And when it comes to dishwashing time, it's not a 30-second process. And Evelyn, what is your answer to this particular argument? Well, I like having the soap ready and available to do the dishes so that they don't pile up.

And also, there used to be a separate hand soap dispenser sitting on the counter. We have since run out, and I haven't. Something you would purchase in a store? Correct. Like you would go to the store and you would get hand soap and it would have its own pump in it? Correct. And it ran out?

Correct. And I have not purchased a new one yet. I see. So in a sense, everyone's at fault here. Yes. Yes. All right. Very good.

That's my kind of problem. Because you know what? That's what life is like. Everyone's at fault. But only one person is correct. So I'd like to ask you, Evelyn, who does the dishes mainly in the house? That would be me. So really, don't you think, Caleb, the decision is really Evelyn's to make? Yes, except I wash my hands more in that sink than she washes her dishes or our dishes in that sink. Really? I see. Do you have access to any other sinks in your life? Yes, there are two other

sinks in our home. Two other sinks. And what's the setup there? Do you do a lot of dishes in those sinks? No, I don't. Oh, I see. Do you have a built-in pump of any kind in those sinks? No, I don't. Oh, wait a minute. But are you able to wash your hands in those sinks? I am. Really? Without a built-in pump? There's a bar of soap on the counter. Look, I... Can I ask you a question?

Yes. Have you ever seen a dish soap pump? Have I ever seen a dish soap pump? No, of course not. Then why would you put it in a container with a pump when hand soap comes in containers with pumps? I think I see the twisted logic in your words and I will consider them when I make my decision. Is that your closing statement, Caleb, or was there anything else? I stopped my closing statement. I don't know that I have a closing statement. That was a statement. All right, I appreciate that. Evelyn, do you have another statement to make? I do. When I do dishes and I need more soap while doing the dishes, to pick up

the container in which the soap is when I buy it, I usually buy the large kind because it's cheaper that way. Sure. It is really hard for me to pick that up with one hand when it is full because it's very heavy. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. What are we talking about here? Like a 10-gallon bucket? No, we're talking about the, I don't know. I've never seen a bottle of dishwashing liquid so large that it could not be grasped with one hand. I can grasp it with one hand. It is hard to pick up and maneuver when my hands are wet

and slippery with soap. I would like to know where you do your shopping. The military surplus? No. I would usually purchase those at Walmart or Target. Okay. And you get the biggest size possible? Usually, yes. How much does it hold? I'm not sure. Do you have one in front of you? yes i don't how much does it hold i'm not sure do you have one in front of you uh no not in front of me i could go retrieve it yeah would you mind please i will be right back i'm sorry this is some new evidence that i have to consider jesse understood judge hodgman so large that it cannot be grasped easily with one hand well if she's buying them at the military surplus or was i not paying close enough attention caleb while your, while your wife isn't with us for a moment, let me ask you a delicate question. Yes. Does she have abnormally small hands?

She does not. She has normal size hands. And she has all of her digits? Yes. She's not impaired in any way? No. What did I miss? Nothing. Nothing, my dear. Now, what is the brand of soap, if I may? I'm going to look it up on the internet. Dawn. This is Dawn, beloved by housewives and oily seabirds the world over. That's right. Dawn, of course, being the most popular commercial soap product used during the cleanup of the Gulf oil spill. Yes. And what size is it? The size I usually buy is 32 ounces.

32 ounces. Let's see if we can get a picture here on the picture making machine. Yes, large, ungainly. I see your point. Really, not so much for regular use but actually sort of to refill other pump devices. Exactly. Right, okay, I see what you're saying. And you'd probably get a considerable savings on this. Yes. Would the savings allow you to also purchase a small bottle of hand soap in a pump that you could keep also on the sink? It would. Would that not solve both of your problems?

It would. Caleb, do you feel that that would not solve your problem? That would solve my problem. But? I don't really want another bottle of something on the countertop. Closing statements then. You go first, Caleb.

Dish soap belongs under the sink. Dish soap belongs in a mobile container so that I can apply it to my dishes around the sink without having to hoist my dishes over to a very small pump and squirt soap on them. My hands are being attached to my arms mobile and I can put them over under the pump at any time. This is why I advocate for hand soap in the dispenser. Very good. Evelyn, do you have a closing statement? I do. Good. Evelyn, do you have a closing statement?

I do. While doing dishes, you usually need to apply dish soap several times to different items that you're washing. My hands will be then wet, and one of the hands will be occupied by a dish brush. It is so much easier for me to just reach over to the right with the dish brush and apply dish soap to it, and then go back and continue washing the dishes. Very good. I think I'm prepared to make my decision. Before I retire to Chambers, I just want to tell you and the listening public what happens when you enter Dawn 32 ounces into Google Image Search. You do not get a picture of the bottle of Dawn that Evelyn is describing.

You do get a picture of a large bottle of castor oil, a man, a miner looking at a wall, a keg of beer, a weird Bloody Mary, a Magic the Gathering card, a binoculars, several buds of marijuana, a naked mole rat, a couple getting getting married and a couple having a baby plus some sort of slipper a pineapple and some peanut brittle but no pictures of dawn oh there it is way down at the bottom dawn original scent 32 ounces take a look everyone that is the magic of the accuracy of google image search all right i'm going to go into my chambers. If you guys would just remain patiently while I consider this, it may take a little while. Okay, I'm back. Caleb, you're wrong.

I'm sorry. Thank you. Let me explain why. You seem like a nice young couple. And perhaps this innovation of a pump built into the sink is new to you and very exciting such that you have really no idea what it is and maybe it scares you a little bit let me tell you what it's for

dishwashing liquid that's what it's for I am a man of the world I've been to many continents traveled to many different places i've been into many uh many different kitchens i have one of these pumps in my own home and while i agree that any viscous liquid could be put into it it is clearly designed and i think if you looked on the specifications of the kitchen sink you would not you might be surprised to find it is clearly designed and specified for dishwashing liquid why i can't make a better argument for it than your own wife evelyn who obviously knows better because she's the one who does the dishes you need to get the dishwashing liquid all the time when you're cleaning things up refill the uh get some soap onto the sponge get some soap onto the dishes

get some soap into the sink with some hot water that's how you wash dishes kale i'm not sure that you understand this particularly if you are going if your wife is going to all the trouble to go to a hateful post-apocalyptic retail environment like walmart to get you the best possible deal on the heaviest possible bottle of soap you ought to honor her by letting her refill this pump from time to time as it is her need to use it and go to one of the many other sinks, the many other soap opportunities you have in your house to work on your OCD on your own. Now you are a provocative man and maybe an innovator and you have every right to put

whatever you want into that pump. But your wife is also absolutely correct that there are hand soaps available in decorative pump bottles all over the country waiting for you to put them right next to the sink and if not a little discreet bar of soap there would also i don't think be too aesthetically unpleasing i am sorry that you feel the need to wash your hands all the time i hope that you are okay and seeking the help that you need. But even if none of this were true, the fact that Evelyn does the dishes more often than you do, I think that gives her the right to make this important call. On the final note, let me tell you, Evelyn, Caleb, you would be wise in your lives

to do the dishes at least once a day. You will feel better about yourselves as grown-ups. You will go into life with a better feeling, and it may actually curb Caleb's bizarre desire to rub his hands raw as much as possible with hard abrasive soap. Because in general, your lives will be cleaner and less cluttered, and you will feel it in your very souls. But that is really, for you guys to work out, I don't mean to preach to you. It's simply that I know what's best for you, and you should do what I say. That's my decision. Judge John Hodgman finds in the favor of Evelyn. I bang my hand against the table. All are dismissed. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is produced by Julia Smith and myself, Jesse Thorne, for John Hodgman and MaximumFun.org.

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