Judge John Hodgman - Double Dog Dare

Episode Date: February 8, 2012

Marybeth and Paul are a couple of busy animal loving attorneys who already own a dog and a cat. Marybeth would like to add another dog to their family to help their current toy schnauzer, Olive, relax. Paul argues that with their busy schedule, and the already antsy Olive, another dog would only exacerbate the situation. Can Judge Hodgman resolve the pair’s puppy problem?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, the double dog dare. Marybeth and Paul are the proud owners of a toy schnauzer named Olive and a cat named Maybel. Marybeth thinks that Olive could use a canine friend when she's home alone and wants to adopt a second dog. Paul says that he's the primary caregiver to Olive and doesn't want any additional responsibility. Furthermore, they're both lawyers and just don't have time to train another dog. Is Mary Beth barking up the wrong tree? Only one man can decide.

Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman enters the courtroom. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies, rivers and seas boiling, 40 years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the skies, rivers and seas boiling, 40 years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass justice. Jesse, swear them in, please. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that he couldn't get elected dog catcher in this town? Yes. Absolutely. Very well, Judge John Hodgman. So Mary Beth and Paul, you have a dog and a cat. We do. Yes. How do you justify this

abomination? Of having both a dog and a cat? Yes, that's what I'm talking about. Well, we're animal lovers, I guess. Well, actually, we live in Montana, so only having two animals is barely meeting the minimum requirements. That's true. You need some head of cattle, don't you? Yeah, I've been pushing for a goat, but if I can't get a second dog, I don't think I'm going to be able to get a goat. Are you the two people in Montana who have internet? We are.

Okay, good. Yes. Well, I'm glad to finally talk to you guys. I've heard so much about you. Mary Beth, you are the plaintiff. You have this dog. You have this cat. The dog is named?

Olive. Olive. And the cat is named? Mabel. And how do you spell Mabel? M-A-B-L-E is how we spell it. Incorrect. Yeah, I spell it differently. Do you really? I spell it M-A-B-E-L. I don't know that I've ever seen a spelling of Mabel, the name, the female name Mabel. She's a female cat? She is, yeah.

And actually, we just refer to her as Kitty. We don't actually really ever call her by her name, but. Good. Okay. Sounds like you're trying to drive this cat crazy, which I support. So snap judgment right away. M-A-B-E-L is how your cat's name is spelled. Now, why do you want another dog? Why do I want another dog?

I, well, for a couple of reasons. First of all, I just, I really like dogs and I really like our dog that we currently have. And so I kind of have a more, you know, more the merrier approach, I guess, that if I love one dog, then why not multiply that by two? But also, we were both attorneys and we work a fair amount. And so I think it would be good for our dog to have another dog companion. It would keep her up and moving during the day instead of just sleeping like a lump and would provide her with some company because she does really like to have company. Does Olive not get along with Mabel slash Kitty? You know, they actually do get along fairly well. We got the cat after we got Olive and Olive is a six pound toy schnauzer. So the cat now. So it's a fake dog. It's a fake. It's a pretend, it's a stuffed dog? Is that what you're saying? It's like a toy.

Is it a wind-up? You know, robot-type dog. No. No, but... No, it's a real living dog. Oh, yeah. It's just been genetically bred to be microscopic. Right, right. For your pleasure.

We're pretty sure she's inbred, but we're not certain about that at all. If it's purebred, then it's inbred. That's my motto anyway. Sure, sure. But that's great. As long as you're amused, that's terrific. Yeah. Yeah.

Why not form a creature to your pleasure? Exactly. Exactly. But our cat now is about twice the weight of the dog. Oh. And there's been sort of a balance, you know, a shift in power as the cat has become larger than the dog. How does this manifest itself? Is there a problem? Do they get into fights?

They play fight. They rarely, you know, really get aggressive with one another. But usually they play fight until one of them ends up crying. And the one that ends up crying is usually Olive. Crying with a human voice? Like, is your dog haunted? No, like, yipe, yipe, like that kind of crying. I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Could you do it again? Paul, why don't you take a stab? Paul, can you imitate the sound of Olive crying? It's usually something along the lines of yipe, yipe the lines of, Yeah, that's pretty accurate. Well, hang on. I'm running that through Babelfish right now,

and it says to me, The cat has hurt me. I am so lonely. All I do is stare outside at the vast Montana sky. The blue is driving me crazy. I need a friend. Paul, how can you resist this entreaty? Very carefully. You know, Olive is a terrific dog, and she's got more personality than 10 dogs. But I believe that, you know, as far as pets go for enjoyment value, we're sort of at a point of diminishing returns.

That as much as I think Mary Beth thinks she would enjoy having another dog, Olive is all the company that any of us really need. Whether Olive needs company during the day, you know, I think is a fair second question. But from what I've ever witnessed during the day, all she does is sleep, either buried in the closet or on a couch. So I don't think she's really missing out on that much. And who takes care of Olive? Because the cat just poops in a box all day long and it takes care of itself. Right. I mean, cats are brilliant like that.

I really admire evolution's train there. We recently moved into a new house, and the new house has a fenced-in yard. Previously, at our old house, we didn't have the fenced-in yard, and so I was the primary caretaker. At your old house, you only had 78 acres of completely vacant land in Montana. That's just not enough for a toy schnauzer. No. And so at the new place with the fence, really, we just opened the door. And so I really have to admit, I've really lost that argument in terms of it being a much larger burden on me to add a second dog. But training a new dog, potty training and whatever, that takes time and that takes a lot of effort. So that's certainly on the horizon if a new dog is ordered by this court. Yeah. Well, how do you address that? Mary Beth, you say you're both attorneys,

you're busy working people. How are you going to train a new dog? Even though we are attorneys and are busy people, we're partners at the same law firm. In fact, we are sitting in separate offices right now within the same building, talking on separate Skype connections. I trust these are billable hours? Oh, of course. All right. I will write you a check immediately. So we could, in the early months of having a dog, when you really need to be around to potty train, the dog could come to work with us. We have a park right across the street from our office that we could easily take the dog over there. In fact, Olive comes to work sometimes on

a pretty regular basis. She was here yesterday, for example. And so bringing the dog here would be okay. Wait a minute. This is a dog-friendly law office? Yeah. I mean, you know. I thought you people were professionals. Not in Montana or not. Are you practicing veterinary law? Oh, a lot of it. Is it just a dog law? I mean, it's a dog-friendly office in that occasionally we bring Olive to work. She just sort of sleeps in my office all day.

Clients never see her or encounter her because when we meet with clients, we meet with them in our conference room. They're not really in our offices. So if you were a client, you would never even know that there was a dog here. But for the staff and stuff, it's not like everybody brings their dog to work or something. But it's okay in circumstances that it needs to happen. And I would think that— What kind of law do you practice? Classic slip and fall, bite and bark law or what? Well, I actually am a family law attorney,

so I do mostly divorce work. Yeah. And Paul does mostly criminal work and estate planning. Oh, okay. All right. So general law stuff. Yep. All right. What kind of dog is that you're proposing to get? Well, I have done a lot. An even smaller schnauzer? No, no. Actually, I would like a larger dog, partially because I think at some point I'm going to get Paul to agree to this. And I think he's more likely to agree if it's a bigger dog this time around. Because as you can imagine, I don't think a lot of males dream that when they're an adult they're going to have a six pound toy schnauzer as their companion so I think a larger dog would probably be better but also I don't know how great Olive would do with another teeny tiny dog she I imagine she'd be pretty jealous so I've done a lot of research on this issue.

So you're looking for a nice-sized dog that's going to complement Paul's manhood? Yes, right. And what does that translate to? Strangely enough, a greyhound. I know, it sounds weird. It sounds weird. But I've done a lot of research on this over the years that we've been having this dispute. And the reason that I've settled on the greyhound is, you know, because we are busy working, you know, we're not able to have the kind of dog that needs constant exercise. And one would think that a greyhound requires a lot of exercise. But based on my research,

the greyhound actually is not a particularly active dog. It's just when they are active, they happen to be very, very fast. They're actually really good for apartment living because they're quiet and they like to cram into really small spaces. Wait a minute. Are you buzz marketing greyhounds on my podcast? I am. Maybe I'm going to go into breeding or something. I'm going to hold it right there. Paul, your wife has just said that the complimentary dog for your manhood is a skinny, sedate, easily pushed over, constantly scared dog that is used to chase mechanical rabbits until it is no longer good enough and then put down.

Judge John Hodgman, to be fair, it does like to cram itself into small spaces. That's true. How does that make you feel, Paul? Well, Your Honor, I was fairly offended, to be honest. I don't know how I would describe my manhood, but I don't think that's the route I would go with it. Yeah. What would be your familiar, your animal familiar that best embodies who you are as a person, as a masculine man of Montana? Well, clearly a grizzly bear. Okay. Let's stick to dogs.

I know it's legal to keep a grizzly bear for a pet in Montana. Well, it's actually required by the Constitution. Okay. Let's stay in the realm of reality for a moment. That's fair. Although my grandmother did have a pet grizzly bear as a child really that what tell me how you know she she obviously lived long enough to mate his grandmother not the bear yeah yeah yeah yeah so so it may have been a late it may have been a later in life tragedy

So it may have been a later in life tragedy. Right, right. But so how old was she when she was finally mauled to death? Well, the bear actually took a swing at her uncle. That was when they released it back into the wild. That is not true. In fact, the way his grandma tells it is that the bear took a swing at the uncle, and so her dad had to take care of the bear, which if you read between the lines there, that means they had to give it lead poisoning.

He took it to a bear ranch. Yes, it's still to this day running on a nice farm with a family. A beautiful bear ranch. How is she keeping the bear? On a chain in her yard. On a chain in her yard. I believe so. She was a small child and I was definitely not yet born. Who got the bear?

I think her uncle. It just kind of wandered into the yard. And you know, this is rural Montana back. Yeah. Like in the 30s or something. This is before that even. This is fantastic. I grewirties or something. This is before that. Even this is fantastic. I grew, I grew up in suburban Boston.

This is like pornography to me. Tell me more. Well, the, the bear just started hanging around more and more, probably looking for garbage or whatever sort of, because bears are tasteless jerks. As my family,

um, doesn't always think things through real clearly, they decided to start feeding it. And eventually were able to just sort of put a collar on it and keep it in the yard for quite a while. And it was her pet. Have you guys thought at all about getting a bear? Like not a big bear, but just like a little bear? I think that's a great idea. Like a miniature bear.

The clients wouldn't have to see it. Like what you would buy out of the back of a comic book one. So a bear that sits on your thumb. You know, I watched the documentary Grizzly Man or something called that not too long ago and it really turned me off of pet bears. Yeah. Because that guy

didn't know what he was doing, but you got it right. Of course. Yeah. So maybe on some level you are compensating for the pet related irrationality and bad behavior of your progenitors. Now you're overcompensating by saying, no, it's it's we can't just have another pet. We need to be responsible. One dog, one cat. That's enough to upset the balance of nature in this house. Well, I think there's a lot of truth to that. There is.

That's why I said it. Absolutely. You entered some evidence. Is that correct? I did, Your Honor, yes. Yes, I did. Mary Beth, you sent me a picture of Mabel slash Kitty and Olive frolicking together in younger days before Mabel outweighed Olive and started riding Olive around the house, making her cry.

Yes. And you sent me a video of Olive barking at a Santa Claus, which was adorable. What you did not send me was the other video you have on your YouTube page, which is the video featuring your cat, Mabel, spelled correctly, by the way.

Oh, playing ping pong. Playing ping pong. Oh my gosh, I forgot that was even there. So what I, so I, spelled correctly, by the way. Oh, playing ping pong. Playing ping pong. Oh my gosh, I forgot that was even there. So why did you send me a video of a cute dog when you had a video of a cute cat? Do you not know how the internet works? You know, being fairly new to the internet, I'm not actually, but I just didn't think it was relevant for today's proceedings, but I can understand, Your Honor, why it would be. So here are the two of you playing ping pong in your home with your

cat. You obviously have no children or no other responsibilities in life. Correct. Dual income, no kids, plenty of ping pong. That's what it's called. You are happily enjoying each other's company and making your cat confused about the world around it in an adorable way. And this goes on for three minutes. And what I noticed about this video is that basically it looks like the only furniture you have in your house is this ping pong table. Is that correct? It's not, Your Honor, but I can understand why it looks that way. Well, just going off the echoes of the ping pong ball in the room suggests that you have not managed to either purchase a carpet in your life and all of your furniture is either

made of stainless steel or is non-existent. Yes, I can understand why you got that impression. That was our old house, actually. I am an acoustic detective, you know. Yes. And it had just a huge vaulted ceiling. And that was sort of a loft up that, you know, lofted over this big great room. And it had wood floors. And it was a beautiful house.

But it was not the coziest place. It only had 14 bedrooms. Correct. Right. Exactly. So here you are playing ping pong. Let me ask you this question. Why not another cat? Who needs more than one cat? Yeah. Are you thinking about getting a second dog in order to continue to drive your cat crazy? Because that's something I could endorse.

Are you gaslighting your cat by calling it different names and playing ping pong all around it all the time and then surrounding it with dogs? Yes, absolutely. No, that's not my intention, but I think that that would be one of those unintended consequences that would only help the situation. You do understand that if you do get a second dog, this cat will take revenge on you. I do. Do you own a bed? I mean, it's a valid question in this house. Yes, we do own a bed. Does the bed have coverings of any kind? It does. Like a comforter? It will be covered with vomit and pee. You understand this, don't you? This cat will not take it lying down. Yeah. How else? How does

she punish you? Anytime we try to transport her from our house somewhere else, for example, when she needs to go to the vet or if we're going to be out of town. By the way, everyone listening, the ping pong game just ended. It's been going on the whole time. It's a lovely video and it's up on my Tumblr right now and will be up on the website. Oh, great. I'm excited about that. So what does she do to punish you? So if we try to transport her somewhere like to the vet or if we go out of town for a few days, we'll take her over to Paul's parents' house instead of boarding her. And we'll put her in a kennel to transport her. And it does not matter if we drive for two minutes or ten minutes.

She will urinate or defecate in the carrier. Have you looked at Mabel lately? She's a cat. That's what they do. They're creatures born of spite. Yes, they really are. All right. And why don't you guys just have kids already? We just don't really want them, I guess. I don't mean to be personal. Perhaps there are medical reasons why this might be a challenge to you. But very often, young couples like yourselves will start stocking up on pets in order to rehearse having children. And then after they get four or five miniature schnauzers and eight tiny reindeer or whatever it is, then finally they have a child and then the worst happens. Then it's cats against dogs against children.

Well, that is a concern, Your Honor. Olive doesn't seem to really like children all that well. She doesn't really like anybody but Mary Beth all that well. But really, the smaller you get, the worse it is for her. All right. I think I have everything I need to make my decision. I'm going to go in chambers. I'm going to sit in a leather chair and stroke a white Persian cat for a while, and then I will come back and let you know what you're going to do.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. As best as I can tell, Mary Beth, what my mom did with my dad is have her Norplant birth control device removed and not tell him. Have you thought about just tricking your husband into impregnating you? I have no desire to be pregnant at the moment or anytime soon. So I have not thought about that trickery. Oh, I simply don't want a child in my home. So I'm not interested in that trickery at the moment.

At what point will this accumulation of faux children stop, Mary Beth? I like to think after a second dog, but I doubt it. I don't know. Paul, is that true? I'm worried we're flirting with an animal hoarder here. I'm just trying to keep her in check. You know, the ironic thing about this all is that if I wanted another dog, I would just go get one, you know? But I feel like that would be kind of mean to Paul, so. Paul, are you prepared to abide by the judge's ruling if he tells you to go out and pick up a used greyhound this afternoon? Well, I don't think we'd be ready for it this afternoon, but I really have reconciled myself with his authority.

And I really believe that Judge Hodgman is going to consider all the facts. And I think he's going to find that it's not it's not fair to send a new dog into a house where, you know, at least 50 percent of the humans don't really want it. Mary Beth, do you ever go on petfinder.com? Oh, all the time. Do you ever send pictures of little doggies that need homes to Paul? No, but I do, you know, I'll be like on my laptop sitting on the couch

and I'll turn the computer towards Paul to say, oh, look at this one, you know? So he's, it's all around him. He can't help it. My wife would send me the pictures after we had had our dog Coco for a little while. And then this dog Sissy came and she talked me into visiting Sissy. And then she was so cute. And then anyway, long story short, now she's sitting on my lap.

And we got two dogs and a baby. So you are a two-dog household. Yeah, we got the two dogs and the human child. And the human child as well. Did the second dog stop the desire for additional animals? No, sure didn't. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom. Well, I think the verdict is pretty clear.

No on the second dog and I am going to compel you to have children. No, that's not going to happen. I'm not going to do that. I was like, oh, wow. I really wanted to test how badly I could mess with your lives. I recently forced a happy married couple to become polygamists just for my own amusement. And while it was a good time, I may have destroyed a marriage, and I don't want that to happen here. Marriage is often about getting the guy to go along with the thing for a lot of different reasons.

And in particular, and I absolutely respect your desire not to have kids at this time or ever. I did not mean to put you on the spot, but pet ownership is often a rehearsal for having kids. And then all of a sudden sudden you have too many small creatures whose feces you have to handle in the house for happiness sake. ran my pet versus child algorithm to figure out how many human, excuse me, how many beasts you could tolerate in this completely empty household that you live in. That said, it is a very common situation where, and I speak from some experience, as I know Jesse just spoke of some experience,

where the female desire to nurture that is a very powerful desire and a very human one is often a little bit stronger than the man's desire because of the man's desire to remain a child for as long as possible and have his surrogate mommy wife take care of him and pay attention to him all the time. And therefore, it is often a period of hard and difficult adjustment and growth when it becomes clear that your wife is willing to go out and get a secret dog with or without your permission, as Mary Beth has already suggested she could just go ahead and do. I'm concerned, frankly, Paul, that Mary Beth is considering starting an entire secret dog family that you'll never know about. That is a valid concern as she frequently talks about starting a schnauzer ranch. Mary Beth, is this so? Yes, that is a fact that I have discussed having a schnauzer ranch, but only if I win the lottery, which is never going to happen. Why? There aren't

that many people in Montana. Winning the lottery is a lot more likely here. How much does a purebred toy schnauzer cost? Oh, they're from anywhere from like $800 to $2,500. They're not a cheap animal. No. No, of course. You have to pay for all that

Bene Gesserit genetic engineering as you search for the Kwisatz Haderach of dogs. Spice plus flow, Your Honor. Well said, nerd. And then they all have weird congenital problems and hip diseases and messed up nostrils and everything else. Yes. Now, here's the thing. I urge you, first of all, and indeed, the court forbids you from going out and getting a secret dog.

That is absolutely, that will destroy your marriage. I understand that, Your Honor. Whatever happens next has to happen with full knowledge of your husband, or else you break the sacred trust of marriage. I admire your interest in the Greyhound, which, while I would not want my manhood compared to it, it is a beautiful dog. And they are wonderful dogs. And they are dogs that often need homes in their mature years because they don't run so fast and they're going to be shot in the head. Look, it happens, people.

Look, it happens, people. However, I think that if you are going to go on this course of forcing a dog on your husband, you cannot pick the dog for him. So, Paul, if you can't tell, I'm ruling in the favor of Mary Beth. One more animal will be allowed into this house with one important stricture. Two, actually. First of all, no purebred dogs. Rescue dogs only. Second of all, Paul picks out the dog.

All right. And only when Paul finds a dog that speaks to him, that reflects his manhood, That is my spirit animal. That is your spirit animal and is sufficiently bear-like. May you bring another dog into the house. And this may take Paul some time. But Paul, you can't put it off forever. You guys are going to have to spend some time at a rescue shelter or whatever. And you're going to need to look into these dogs' eyes and see the future of you taking care of another creature with all of your heart and loving it more than you love yourself and becoming a little smaller in the process for that is called growing up this

is the sound of a gavel judge john hodgman rules that is all please rise as judge john hodgman exits the courtroom paul you've taken the l on one, but at least you get to pick the dog. And that's something. You're going to be spending some time on Petfinder.com? I haven't been to Petfinder.com before, but I'll go check it out after we finish this hearing. No websites. I need face-to-snout, dog-to-man contact.

Judge Hodgman, I'll tell you what you do. You look at the little doggies on Petfinder.com and then you go visit them at their houses. Petfinder.com is only for rescue dogs. Oh, okay. I'll allow you to buzz market that. Oh, I love dogs.

Yeah, I do too. Bailiff Jesse, I'm afraid your brain rickets is kicking in again. And you are now going into one of your weekly dog reveries. Paul, you're going to have so many hugs in your house. It's not the hugs that bother me so much as the dog kisses, because their breath is just bad. Hey, look, Paul, if you lived in an apartment in New York City or Philadelphia or Boston,

one of those eastern cities where everyone's got such fancy heirs, you know I would never have ruled in Mary Beth's favor. Two animals is enough, but you guys made the mistake of being Montanans. You've got room aplenty, a huge, a huge expanse of land, I'm sure, or at least a backyard. This is going to be a piece of cake. You know, ironically, Your Honor, when this dispute really started, we were living in Philadelphia. So, you know, it's good timing for me that we're now in Montana. So you have a wife who manipulated you into moving to Montana so that she could start her secret dog hoarding. Well, we are from Montana originally, but now that that i think back on it i can see every step just getting us closer to the schnauzer ranch right right no no you're gonna hold the line

at three beasts okay and i and i will your honor and your holding today will enable me to do that i have no doubt all right thank you very much for coming to the courtroom i see jesse is just quietly over in the corning stroking his dog. So I'm going to have to wrap this one up and say, have a safe 10-hour drive home or however long it takes you to get home in Montana. Yes, right. Mary Beth Paul, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel.

Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep. That's the sound of you learning a sound to happen. Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world and you get to hear the sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid,

weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off

your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right?

Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made-in pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs,

they're made-in, made-in. The Rohan duck, made-in, made-in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made-in, made-in. Made in. Made in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad.

It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning

about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you.

And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try.

Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D Ah, it'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O Ah, we are so close.

Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Sorry I got into that dog state of mind there, Judge Hodgman. I had this dog on my lap here and I just got out of control. No, I completely understand. You went into a classic dog trance. This is what I want Paul

to experience. That deep connection with a thing that requires you to keep it alive. And that's why I love dogs as surrogate children and that's why I will never have a dog. Because I don't want to pick up any more feces. Listen, I've got some cases here on the docket that we could clear out.

Fantastic. I'm just relaxing here in my chambers with 12 boa constrictors draped around my neck, as is my custom, because these are my babies. Here's something from someone named Jesse who's not me. In a recent podcast, I heard you pronounce the file extension.gif with a hard G as gif. I believe it's actually a soft G, making it homophonic with jif, the peanut butter. I present as evidence the website olsenhome.com slash gif which is the gif pronunciation page which is a website dedicated exclusively to how the word is pronounced yes that is the reason that the internet exists an entire website dedicated to that. He says his apologies.

How do you feel this word should be pronounced? I have to say, I have always given it a hard G. Here is the thing. If there were a cut and dry answer, there would not be an endlessly detailed internet page devoted to this debate. It is obviously pronounced in two different ways. I refer to a much simpler website, the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary,

which says that in the American English language, both gif and jif are acceptable. I'm sure there are lots and lots and lots of arguments for why one is more nerdcore than the other, but I don't care because I got the dictionary backing me up and language moves and changes no matter how it started. Here's something from Jameson. He writes, my friend Sarah and I entered into a friendly competition over which restaurant had the best Vietnamese pho soup. We went to her pick for lunch, Sun Tzu. It was a buffet with a noodle bar serving four types of pho. We each had a small bowl of pho with a flavorful broth and delicate strips of beef. The next day, we went to the Vietnam Cafe and were served bowls of pho with

a plate on the side filled with fresh mint, jalapeno, and bean sprouts to add in. We agreed the sides were spectacular. The broth was a tad on the salty side, but overall it was a superior bowl of pho. Then I started to not feel well. It took me a few minutes to realize I was having a reaction to MSG. I was having heart palpitations, dizziness, and my limbs felt heavy and weak.

I had to sit at the booth for another 15 to 20 minutes for the effects to wear off before heading back to work. I had to sit at the booth for another 15 to 20 minutes for the effects to wear off before heading back to work. I had eaten there several times before and never had a problem. So here's the dispute. While we both agreed the cafe's pho was better, the fact that I was sick from eating it disqualifies it and Sun Tzu's pho wins by default. She feels that I cannot say a dish is better if it makes me sick. I did in fact declare that not only would I never eat the pho there again, I probably wouldn't be dining there at all. I contend that it was a better dish. We both agreed it was, and the side effects I felt afterwards were not relevant to its excellent flavor. Who knows? Maybe the MSG

actually enhanced the flavor. Who's right? Well, first of all, the MSG did enhance the flavor. That's what MSG does. It is a flavor enhancer. When glutamates, such as contained in monosodium glutamate, combined with ribonucleot umami, which is the fifth flavor profile after sweet, salty, bitter, and what's the other one? Sour. And so it is a completely natural product, which actually can be used to great effect in food. If it is overused, it can be disgusting. But there is nothing wrong with MSG. And sensitivity to MSG, and what has previously been called Chinese food syndrome, in less politically correct times, is also a matter of some debate. It has not been proven to some scientists' satisfaction in double

blind tests that there actually is a physical reaction that people have to MSG. I'm sure there are lots of anal malcontents who are now going to email me saying that they are having an MSG seizure right this very second as they type. If you don't like it and if it makes you feel sick for whatever reason, please don't eat it. However, I will stand by the gentleman who believes that even though the soup made him feel sick or something in the soup or in that environment made him deathly ill, that it was still a better bowl of pho. By the way, an acceptable pronunciation is also piho. By the simple reasoning that if you eliminated from awesome all things that made you sick, there would never be gin. And that is not a world that I care to tolerate. It is his decision of which fur is best fur. And I stand and ratify his ruling. Judge Hodgman, if I might, I'd like to take this opportunity to make mention of another Maximum Fun property, which is my public radio program, Bullseye with Jesse Thorne.

I am a fan of that program. Oh, thank you very much. It is formerly The Sound of Young America. It has been reborn as Bullseye. I am very proud of the result, and I hope that Judge Sean Hodgman fans will check it out. It is a public radio show about the good stuff in popular culture. In-depth interviews, critics' picks from folks like, gosh, the critics at the A.V. Club over at The Onion, and Nas from Cocaine Blunts and Mark Fraunfelder from boing,

boing, all kinds of folks who know about the good stuff and pop culture and, uh, interviews with really cool people and, uh, comedy from people like Casper Hauser and my brother, my brother and me. And,

uh, well, we've got something coming up, uh, from a guy who was the head writer of The Daily Show for quite some time and has a hilarious new book called God and Autobiography. Are you talking about David Javerbaum, my friend? I am indeed. I am indeed. Not only the head writer, but the executive producer and my collaborator for many, many a resident expert segment.

There you go. A very brilliantly talented man who has lent us some excerpts from his autobiography of God that will be performed by God himself on our show. Well, that's quite a coup. Yeah. Oh, you're telling me. It's really quite remarkable. And cool interview guests.

Roz Chast from The New Yorker. Tim and Eric. Aisha Tyler. Jesse, Jesse, I got to interrupt you here. I got to tell you to shut up for a second. Right. Don't sing your own praises. Okay.

Let me, let me sing them. Listen, everybody. Listen to this show. It's How I Know Jesse Thorne. I was interviewed on The Sound of Young America, and I discovered this young man who was probably the best interviewer I've ever had pleasure to talk to. Then I went and listened to more of this show, and I realized that I was hearing some of the best conversations that I've ever heard in culture on the radio. And the Bootsy Collins

interview, Jesse, that should go to the Smithsonian. But let me say this. If you, like me, thought you were going to hear the sound of screaming children when you tuned into the Sound of Young America, no, it's a radio show of conversations between Jesse and some of the most interesting creators who are working in the United States and the world today. And now that it is called Bullseye, it's a perfect time for you to reacquaint yourself or acquaint yourself for the first time with what I think is an amazing cultural resource and probably the best thing you can listen to on the subway ever. Thank you very much. And I should say that we did get that Bootsy Collins interview

into the Smithsonian, but only we just burn it on a CD and then hit it under the Fonz's jacket. I was going to say, did you stick it into the pocket of Mr. Rogers sweater? Yeah. Oh, Mr. Rogers sweater. You know, that guy was in the pocket of big cardigan, right? Oh, Mr. Rogers sweater. You know that guy was in the pocket of Big Cardigan, right? He was on the payroll of Big Shoe Switch. Yeah, during that time in America where Jimmy Carter was telling people that they had to conserve energy by putting on slippers. Anyway. Were we ever so young?

Go to MaximumFun.org or search for Bullseye in iTunes. Thank you for giving it a try. Thank you, John, for your kind words. And thanks, everybody out there who's about to give the show a try. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. Goodbye. The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support this show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org.

The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Matt Gourley. His great podcast, by the way, is called Super Ego. You can find it in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at gosuperego.com. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, email us and be sure and include your telephone number. The email address is hodgmanatmaximumfun.org. If you have thoughts about the show, you can always comment on it on our message board, forum.maximumfund.org. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.