Judge John Hodgman - Edible Arraignments

Episode Date: July 11, 2018

Judge John Hodgman is away from the court on this week's episode. Bailiff Jesse Thorn is taking over judging duties, with friend of the court Jordan Morris serving as bailiff! Jennie brings the case against her husband, John. John has received a lot of gag gifts over the years that happen to be food items. He is currently storing all of them in the fridge. Jennie wants him to get rid of the gifted food but John is too sentimental! Thank you to Jason Jackman for suggesting this week's case! To suggest a title for a future episode, like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. We regularly put out a call for submissions.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jordan Morris sitting in for Jesse Thorne. This week, edible arraignments. Jenny brings the case against her husband, John. John has received a lot of gag gifts over the years that happen to be food items. He is currently storing all of them in the fridge. Jenny wants him to get rid of the gifted food, but John is too sentimental.

Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge Jesse Thorne enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. There's 1,000 pounds of law, 1,200 pounds of righteousness and integrity. There's 300 pounds of due process. There's precedent down there. I'll tell you, I'll probably never need any of this justice, but I can sleep so much better knowing that it's down there. Please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or just like the universe or whatever? Yes. Yes. Do you swear to abide by Judge Jesse Thorne's ruling, despite the fact that he has kind of a B-Vernor Herzog impression? Yes. Yes. Judge Thorne, you may proceed. Jenny andne, you may proceed. Jenny and John, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors. Can either of you name the piece of culture I was alluding to, obviously with some paraphrasing when I entered the courtroom? Jenny, I'm going to ask you to go first.

I don't know. This is a probably not a correct guess, but this is my guess. Is it Princess Bride? Okay, that's an interesting guess. John, what's your guess? Man, I want to say it's some Steven Seagal movie or something with a German villain. Well, obviously it's a Steven Seagal movie, but which Steven Seagal movie or something with a German villain? Well, obviously it's a Steven Seagal movie, but which Steven Seagal movie? Under Siege?

Under Siege 2? Under Siege 3? Is there an Under Siege 3? I'm going to say Under Siege 2 if there even is one. All guesses are wrong! I thought Jordan, Bailiff Jordan, I genuinely thought you were going to blow it for me when you said my B minus Werner Herzog impression. Yeah.

I'll be clear. That was not a Werner Herzog impression. Oh. That was an impression of a guy being interviewed by Werner Herzog. Oh, I'm sorry. title character from the Werner Herzog documentary, Little Dieter Needs to Fly, which is about a guy with very severe post-traumatic stress disorder from having been starved in a prison camp who keeps a bunch of food under his floor. Fun fact, the subtitle to Under Siege 2 is Dark Territory.

Under Siege 2, colon, Dark Territory. Here's another fun fact. In Little Dieter Needs to Fly, Werner Herzog makes the man, Dieter, reenact his prison march. Oh, good. Yeah. John, tell me about the food that you keep in your house. I'm sure there's a certain amount of regular food. I'm interested in the unusual food.

Well, so I have some friends who shop at the Asian food mart and a lot of the food is just packages or food packaged with strange names or really unfortunate names or really strange gross flavors. I also have a Steven Seagal energy drink called Lightning Bolt Energy Drink and a PB&J in a can that my wife Jenny's brother had got for me one year. And that is apparently lasts forever. And it's in like a Pringles can, but it's a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I also have fried crickets and some other weird things. And where do you keep all this stuff?

Right now they're in the refrigerator. Jenny, what's your problem with this? This sounds great. He's got peanut butter and jelly in a can. Yes, the can is wonderful. My problem is that our refrigerator is really small and I cook a lot. And I'm constantly trying to stack stuff on top of it or like put stuff around it. And I would really love it takes up probably like three fourths of a shelf on our fridge, like in the door, which isn't a huge amount of space. But because our fridge is small, the space is important. So, yeah. Bailiff Jordan, could you provide me with the photograph here of this refrigerator?

Yes, I can. Here we go. It was provided for us. And, yeah, I would describe, not to editorialize, but I'd describe it as overstuffed. Yeah. What am I looking at here in addition to the Steven Seagal energy drink? It looks like you've managed to fit. Is that a bottle of sriracha sauce?

Oh, the sriracha is my wife's, actually. That is... I get to keep the sriracha. Yeah, it's good on everything. Yeah. That part isn't my doing. Hipsters from five years ago are right about that. I see there are a few other things in here.

It looks like you fit a beer. That might be a jug of sauerkraut, I'm going to go ahead and say, and maybe some, I'll call it plum sauce. But yeah, you're right. This entire refrigerator shelf, this is a door shelf in the refrigerator, is full of nonsense. John, why are you keeping all this stuff in the refrigerator shelf? I think that's just kind of the default place that it ended up. We used to have a pantry in our old place where a lot of it lived, the stuff that didn't need to be refrigerated. And I think it just migrated into the refrigerator when we made the move to a new house.

That is a really good point. John, what proportion of these things would you say do not require refrigeration? I'm going to say pretty much most of them. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Can I back up to the Steven Seagal energy drink? Yeah. I see a photo of it here, but I am not seeing a flavor.

Is it something traditional like citrus or berry, or is it something a little more Seagal-y like, you know, wolf tears or fist sweat? So you'll have to look at the, so right from the top down. So it says ginseng on the top and then below that we have cherry charge energy drink. Oh, cherry charge. Cherry charge. I was missing that. Yep.

And then lightning bolt as well. So I don't know where that fits into the flavor category, but tastes like lightning apparently. There's a really intense picture of Steven Seagal here. And next to it, it has a quote from Steven Seagal. And I personally, Jordan, I don't know if this is your experience, but when I'm facing a crossroads in my life, I like to look to the words of Seagal. Yeah. I mean- My Bible actually has Steven Seagal's words printed in red. I'll also just make an observation here about the photo he chose to use.

It is not a current photo, judging by the fact of how not bloated he is in it. He looks a little bit like half Steven Seagal, half Data from Star Trek. Yeah, yeah. This is the quote from Steven Seagal. Quote. And I'm glad that they quoted him on this because it has that certain Steven Seagal flavor to it. You don't want to paraphrase Seagal. A natural energy drink packed with vitamins and exotic botanicals.

Only Steven Seagal could have given us that bit of wisdom. There's also a part that says it is sweetened with all natural imported organic evaporated cane juice crystals, which is sugar. That's what sugar is. How did these things start entering your life? Because I certainly, myself, and have friends who shop at international grocery stores of various kinds, and none of them give me these things as gifts. That's a really good question. I think it probably just started with like one thing. I took a trip to overseas and this collection started like 15 years ago or something.

And I think I brought something back that was just a flavor or like a thing that you just would not expect. And I think people just started buying them for me after that, like the energy drink. I mean, I think that was just I think my friends and family know that I appreciate funny, ironic foods, I guess. And one thing to note, you guys had mentioned the age of the photo on there. The actual can is actually from probably a time that he looked like that. So I've had these for quite a while. Wow. I mean, you describe these as ironic foods. I'm looking through the list. And while I might be a little ambivalent about eating rye cheese, crunchy snack, milk flavor, I have eaten Super Cola candy treats, and those are delicious. Nothing ironic about that. Those are straight up tasty.

Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, obviously there are a couple of things in here that, you know, I would be reticent to put in my mouth, but there's actually a lot of things on here that I've enjoyed. Britannia Nice Time Cookies. These are very good. Ding Dong Snack Mix. Had it. I have not had Bang Bang Delicious in One Bite, but it's wafer caramel crispy and chocolate. I mean, that sounds tasty.

Why have you not eaten some of these? That's a really good question. So I think the irony is I don't really eat that much snack food. So you're just saying that you weren't peckish, that's why? You never got hungry around three? If you look at, there's like a package that looks like a Starburst candy kind of thing. All the writing is, none of the writing is in English, but you can, if you can recognize from the fruit, that is a durian flavored.

I don't know if you know anything about durian, but it's interesting that someone made a candy out of it. It's a smelly but delicious fruit, if I'm not mistaken. It smells like death or something. Yeah, it smells like death. I don't know about the delicious part, but, you know, obviously the different tastes. When you are snacking, and I guess from what you say it's infrequent,

what kinds of things are you snacking on if not these unusual but largely delicious treats? Usually like crackers for me, that kind of thing. Yeah. So we have a wide variety of crackers in our house. I probably eat a lot of fruit. A wide variety of crackers. You guys sound like fun.

I know, right? Do you have various temperatures of water? We party hard in our house. Clearly. Yeah, so we eat a lot of crackers and we eat a lot of fruit. I think I've never actually tried to eat any of his food, regardless of whether it looked good or not, just because it was his. And so I wanted him, they were like his gifts. I wanted him to be able to enjoy them.

I said we could try the fried crickets together at any time, but no one's taking me up on that. I'll pass. I've eaten fried crickets. Not bad. Sometimes a leg gets stuck in your teeth, and that's gross. That's a true story about fried crickets. Oh. Now I have, if you notice, some of these packages are open

in the evidence that I had submitted. So I had tried the fettuccine, and I have had the durian flavored, not from this package, but from a different thing. So some of the ones that are, I guess, where I've had multiples of things, I've tried out some different strange flavors and whatnot. Because the fettuccine one, it's really hard to tell what that tastes like by looking at the package. You've got a photo of something that looks like either cola or iced tea. You've got something that looks like a sour fettuccine kind of thing. It says gummy on there. And up in

the upper left part of the package that was ripped off to open it said bourbon. So I really had no idea until I opened it what it tastes like. And what was the answer? It was really hard to describe. I still can't tell you. Sort of like a durian. If Windex was a candy, that's what it would taste like. I guess here's the thing that is confusing me. It seems like you are not nuts about this stuff from a taste standpoint, but how did your friends get it into their head that you liked it? I think just my reactions to these things, like the peanut butter and jelly in a can,

Jenny's brother gave me that. And he's also known for just giving strange gifts to begin with. So when I got it, I doubt he thought I was going to keep it forever. But here it is. And I guess the evidence that I have held on to them for this long, I guess maybe people are... Actually, my friend just recently gave me the fettuccine one was like a recent contribution. So this is years later and

this has been going on for years. Some of these things have been in the refrigerator since like I don't even know. Like I said that the photo on the Steven Seagal energy drink kind of dates that one. So why are you saving these items? I think as Jenny mentioned, some of it's sentimentality. And then some of the things like the energy drink and the peanut butter and jelly cans, just like the fact that they exist is just entertaining to me. Actually, the quick answer is I'm saving them because I think they're funny. Do you think they're funny in your refrigerator? I think they're just funny in general. I feel like if they moved from the refrigerator to somewhere else, that would be okay with me. But I think Jenny's more problem

is probably just with the fact that we have them in general and maybe the fact that they're in the refrigerator part is secondary. I don't know. Maybe she could speak to that. Jenny, I would like you to speak to that. How do you feel about the fact that these items of food are cluttering up your home? I feel really blessed that we have friends that love us enough to see things and think of us and bring them to us. John, what John didn't mention is he also designs packaging for products. And so he enjoys just funny packaging in general. But I think my problem is I see that he's not, he gets them and he's really happy and excited to have them. But he A doesn't eat them and B doesn't show them to anyone else after that. So I don't feel like he's really enjoying them to their full potential, I guess.

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Here's the solution in my head. I feel like when I, i you know get a food thing that is you know either too much for me or you know uh yeah something like this that is you know more funny than it is delicious or you know like something sweet that i don't want to have in the house because i know i'll eat all of it do either of you have like an office or something to bring it to so like everybody can have a taste or you know have you thought about having people over and putting out bowls of this stuff so people can enjoy it i think we've kind of talked about it recently i did actually um i did not have an office before and i currently do that i might be able to take that too i think it would be fun to be able to

have people over and really enjoy them. I think I think when people over we may just not think about them because they're in the refrigerator. And when people come over to your house, they're expecting crackers. They're coming for saltines. Just piles of crackers.

Sesame seed. Cheese it. Cheese it. Chicken in a biscuit. That's a cracker. Ritz. Good. Ritz. Good old Ritz. I make really good hummus. Jenny's snack game is much better than mine. So when we do have guests over, Jenny definitely puts out good snacks for people. And like she said, she makes hummus and things like that.

So I'm the one who eats the boring snacks. and things like that. So I'm the one who eats the boring snacks. Jenny, are you embarrassed at all that you own these weird foods? Do you know what? I'm not embarrassed by them. I think mine is more of just a practicality thing of like, I just want my space back.

Like I want that like two feet of fridge space. I want him to enjoy them. I want him to enjoy them. I want him to eat them. I want to know what the weird crackers taste like. Do you want to know what the weird crackers taste like enough to eat them? I would eat them with him. Yeah, taste the ding dong together. You have a package of ding dong.

You're a loving couple. Why not taste the Ding Dong together? We have two packages of those. Yeah, date night, John. There you go. How many of these things are currently healthily consumable? How old are these things? Some of these are definitely expired.

That sandwich claims to last forever or something. of these are definitely expired. That sandwich claims to last forever or something. So, you know, but energy drink definitely might be pretty suspect. Some of the candies, the fettuccine is brand new, but the Bang Bang is maybe like over 10 years old. Same with the crickets. I'd say about half of them are probably consumable. If you were going to choose one to eat right now, what would it be? Oh, my gosh. I think it might be the energy drink. I don't even drink energy drinks, but I think it would be that.

It probably tastes horrible, and that's why I would want to drink it. I mean, if this is really a non-bloated Steven Seagal era energy drink, you're playing a very dangerous game. Yeah. I know, and maybe I think that might be why I haven't, because I reached that critical mass where I just couldn't, you know, once I reached its expiration date, I'm like, well, now I can't open it. I am looking. There is some fine print on the can. It does say discard when Steven Seagal becomes bloated. Jenny, is there a funk coming off any of this?

Are you noticing the smell in the fridge? I think there's only a few of them that I think actually need to be refrigerated. And I think they are refrigerated because they'll melt like the chocolate ones or there's like some cream center business going on. But most of them don't actually need to be refrigerated. They were just kind of all stored together. Yeah, so Jenny was the one who actually moved them into the refrigerator. Originally, they were just kind of in different places. And yeah, like she said, it's just kind of like one place to keep them.

Yeah, and it frees up some cracker space. Jenny, what would you, if you had this tray free, what would you be putting in there? I would put homemade pickles. Oh, wait, hold on. Jenny, what kind

of pickles are we talking about here? Ooh, dill pickles. Sure. What about a bread and butter pickle? Oh, I could do that. I haven't made those. You could pickle a beet. Just saying.

I was about to bring up pickled beets. You could pickle a beet. Sorry, I don't mean to yell at you. You seem nice. I'll definitely try that one. I did carrots. Pickled carrots are actually really good. Oh, those are great.

Yeah. Throw a bay leaf in there, you know? Yeah. So do you feel like the lack of space in the fridge is preventing you from doing food projects like home pickling? Yeah, I think it's more. Yes. I think I would do a lot more cooking if I had more space. And I think also I would, it would free up my time to do other things. So it wouldn't take as long when I get groceries and I have to mash the groceries into a smaller space. So you would have like a newfound font of grocery mashing time. Yes. That you could use to mash other things. that you could use to mash other things.

Well, we also have a toddler, and so he's kind of running around in the background slowly destroying everything. So I think I would just have, be able to put things away faster, close the fridge, and then be able to manage that. John, why do you want to keep these? Why aren't they in the trash?

Oh, man. I think it might just be because I started down the road. Well, some of them I could honestly probably part with. But, like, I feel like if I throw away the energy drink, no one will ever know it existed. So you see yourself in a way as preserving these for future generations? Yes. You know that's weird, right?

Yeah, just a little bit. If something happens to you, you want your toddler to grow up knowing that Steven Seagal once had an energy drink and once was slim and handsome. And, of course, to know the wisdom of Seagal. Of course, the wisdom. A natural energy drink packed with vitamins and exotic botanicals. Right.

And also that he could then own it. It could pass it down to him. Right. His children. Right. It can be used for currency should some sort of apocalypse happen. John, do you have other collections? Yes and no.

A little bit. Jenny. Jenny, does John have other collections? Yes. Do you want to guess? Let's take some guesses. Jesse, what do you think, John? Well, my first thought, obviously, is themed Legos.

Oh, I was going swords. Okay. I'm going swords. The interest in Seagal points to a man who also has many swords. I feel like, given his interest in product design, it's possible he has a vintage box of Quisp cereal. Oh, sure. And what's that? What was that 90s slacker drink? No. Oh, OK Cola? OK Cola. Yeah. I bet he's got some OK Cola somewhere. Sure. Charles Burns

designed the packaging. Oh, yeah. Jenny, what other collections does your husband have? So Jenny, what other collections does your husband have? Okay. So I'm afraid to call them collections because I know a collection. Are they captives? Well, no. There's a very specific definition for collections in the court as far as things that are well thought out and things are displayed and enjoyed. He has hordes of items. Okay.

Wait. All right. Every box that comes into our house so like small appliances to large appliances usually come in a box so tv comes in a box a mixer stand mixer comes in a box um he saves all of the boxes so that when we move it will be easier he also um saves and i don't even know if the Apple Store does this, but he really loves the drawstring Apple bags. And so we just have a massive collection of Apple bags. These are just plastic shopping bags? They've got a little backpack strings on them, like a swag bag you'd get at a con or something like that. Well, so I guess, so the boxes thing is just a practicality of moving, which we recently

did. So I'm glad I kept a lot of those boxes three years ago. And, but we were at my last place, or before we got married, I was there for about 11 years. So I don't move very often, but when I do, having a TV go into a box is so much more convenient and safe. Yeah, and the Apple bags, I wouldn't really consider too much of a collection. I use them for trash bags and things like that in my car and whatnot. The only thing that I really consider that I actually have as a collection is a collection of yo-yos.

John, you've beaten both themed Legos and swords. You've topped us. You're following the rule of threes. You're welcome. And yeah, no, I do not have swords. I don't have a ponytail. I don't have anything. My fondness of the set of J.D. Week is only

the humor that I find in Steven Seagal. But no, yeah, so I have a collection of yo-yos. And yeah, I don't know. What would you like to know about that? Well, you got a glow-in-the-dark one? I do. Cool.

That's all. Jenny, what would you like me to order in this case? I would like you to order that John either eat the food items or throw away the food items a week after they come into our home. So as of right now, any food that we have, he either eats or throws away. And then when people give him new items, again, he either eats them or throws them away and it's done. John, why won't you do that? What do you want me to order? Oh man, I still think I want to save at least some of these. Any ones in particular or just you want to have a little taste? You want to have a little taste once in a while. Oh, man. Probably the cans. Probably the energy drink and the

PB&J. I think if I am ordered to get rid of things, I would like to probably eat some of them or have people over. I think you guys had a good idea of having people over to sample the treats. Yeah, it seems like the cans

could be displayed on your desk at work where someone would know, Funko Pop or whatever. Like, it seems like you could, you know, take those out of the fridge and just put them in a, you know, a place where you would have knickknacks. Please, no. You know, and here's the irony is. So you like them better in the fridge because they're hidden. Yes. Jenny, do you have an otherwise tasteful home that is always teetering on the precipice of husband distastefulness?

When it comes to this, yes. John, what kind of packaging do you design? And I want to be clear here. Jordan and I have done an exceptionally great, basically perfect job of not doing any buzz marketing throughout this conversation. So I would like to ask you to follow in our footsteps and not mention any brands as we have not, again, through the entire course of this program, because we're doing a great job filling in for Judge Hodgman. Sure, sure. No problem. Yeah. So I've done a lot of work in the toy industry. I've had my own business doing design work and toys, some baby products, things like that. So I usually

get to work on some fun stuff. But yeah, consumer products. I actually have not worked on any food. Have you gotten inspiration for any work products from, you know, stuff like this kind of weird curiosities that people have brought you? Have you used that? You know, have you looked at these, gotten inspiration and moved it over to the workspace? I think probably when this collection kind of— I never even thought it was a collection until now, but once I started amassing these items, the answer is yes.

Not so much as much anymore, but I think in the beginning definitely, especially if I'm trying to make something that— like if I'm working on a packaging that is supposed to have some kind of like irony or humor to it in like the collectible world or something like that. You're making collectible packaging? Like I said, like packaging for collectible products. Like I said, if I was working in the toy industry and there was like a boutique product that people, you know,

collected. Like a collectible toy. Like a Steven Seagal action figure. Oh man, if I only had the opportunity. With real blues guitar action.

Why does that exist? Look, he can karate chop with his ponytail. I think he did judo. Is that what Steven Seagal does? Judo?

You know, we have exhausted all of my Steven Seagal references. Wasn't there a reality show where he was a sheriff's deputy? Oh yeah. Yes. I did watch one of those and a significant amount of the episode was dedicated to him playing blues guitar. Like he solved the case and then it's like, well, time to go play with my band. And then you just see like a full length Steven Seagal and his band concert. John, what's your ideal resolution of this conflict? Continuing the status quo? Oh, man. I mean, I'm always a fan of compromise.

So I don't know, finding some kind of compromise, like something where I can give Jenny some space back in there, but that, I don't know, some of these items get the notoriety they deserve, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, I guess if I could hang on to a couple. I don't know if notoriety is the word we're looking for. Like, I guess they would get the notoriety they deserved if, like, they killed a man. Sure. Hey, one of these might. These are pretty old.

That's true. That's true. Which of these is the most special to you, John? Definitely the lightning bolt energy drink. Jenny, are any of these special to you in any way? No. No. That's very fair, Jenny.

Yeah. John, is there any of this food that you are unwilling to eat? Oh, man, I think for the joke, I would try any of these. Except for the durian. I do not want to put that thing in my mouth. I have tried that before, and it is pretty awful. Both the fruit and the candy. There's no flavored thing that claims to be durian that I liked.

John, how do you think it would go over if you brought all of this stuff to your workplace and just made some little bowls of it and put it out in the communal kitchen and said, you know, like, it's weird food day at my office. Like, everybody have a little bit. Do you think that would be a fun thing for your office, or do you think people would be weirded out? Oh, I don't know. I'm still getting a read on them. I've, uh, I just started a new job. So, um, yeah, maybe yes,

maybe no, I don't know. It might just, I may be the weird dude with the weird food or, or it might go over well. I'm not really sure. Jenny, you've described these items as John's items and you seem very respectful of that. But the two of you are married, are you not? Yes. In what state do you reside? Arizona. Now, it just so happens that Arizona is what's called a community property state. Do you understand the consequences of that? Yes, I do. I don't. It means for your benefit, John, that everything that each of you own is actually owned by both of you. California is the same. Everything that my wife and I own together is owned by both of us. And everything that Jordan and his cat Bug own is owned by both of them collectively.

That's true. And that washcloth she likes. Yeah. Does that change the way that you think about this case, Jenny? No, it doesn't. I wish that I could just go and throw all the food away

and I know I have the legal right to do that, but John would be sad. I still have to deal with a sad husband and that's what I don't want. Well, we'll see whether he's happy or sad when I return. I still have to deal with a sad husband. And that's what I don't want. Well, we'll see whether he's happy or sad when I return. I think I have enough information to compile a decision. Jordan, please have your way with them. I'm going to retire to my chambers. Please rise as Judge Jesse Thorne exits the courtroom.

Jenny, what do you think your chances are? I think my chances are looking pretty good. John, how do you feel? Man, I don't know. I'm thinking maybe 50-50. We'll be back in just a second with Judge Jesse Thorne's decision on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast,

The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun

or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there?

Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D Ah, it'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O

Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Please rise as Judge Jesse Thorne re-enters the courtroom. Thank you, Bailiff Jordan. I want to begin my remarks by pointing something out.

I am a lover of strange foods. I wouldn't necessarily call myself a lover of ironic foods, but I welcome them. I'm someone who loves to go to the 99 cent store and buy Larry the Cable Guy beer bread mix. I'm someone who's familiar with the full range of TGI Friday's branded snack products. I'm somebody who loves to go to the Asian grocery store. Here in Los Angeles nearby, there's a wonderful Korean grocery store I love to go to. I love to go to Little Tokyo

and consume Japanese comestibles. I love to try a mango chile product from the Mexican-American grocery store. In fact, I love all these things so much that I created an unsuccessful web series called Brian and Lindsay Will Totally Eat That, called Brian and Lindsay Will Totally Eat That, in which I made the two least adventurous and culturally distinctive people I knew eat many of these very same products, including fried crickets, although ours were prepared Oaxacan style.

It's something that I love, I think is wonderful and beautiful. I love the experience of almost traveling internationally culturally by eating something where you literally cannot read what it says on the packaging so you do not know what you're about to eat. That is a thrilling experience for me. I think it's great. It's so fun. Sometimes I'm upset with the results. Sometimes I'm delighted with the results. Sometimes I'm delighted by the results.

And goodness knows that I'm a lifelong supporter of super cola candy treats. But I don't think that's what this case is about. I see through your attempts to appeal to my sense of humor, John. Your attempts to appeal to my sense of humor, John. I see through your attempts to appeal to my sense of irony and my sense of whatever, cultural miscommunication. Humorous cultural miscommunication. My eternal love for crossed wires. John, what this is about is your inability to let go of something that frankly does not have much emotional meaning to you. If you said to me during these proceedings, these items were gifts from people that I love and care about.

People like my brother-in-law, a man I love in part because of his penchant for giving bizarre gifts, I might have been more friendly to your case. If you had said to me, these are essential research items that I need to support my family while my wife works hard at home with our toddler, I might have been more friendly to your case. But the reality is that what you told me was you don't want to get rid of these things because you don't want to get rid of these things. It's the same reason that you're not getting rid of the boxes. Fun fact, movers actually have boxes that they bring with them to pack stuff up in it's the same reason you don't want to get rid of shopping bags from the computer store which you literally use for garbage you have ticketed them for the garbage and yet will not

allow them to be thrown in the garbage you said i don I don't want to get rid of my Steven Seagal energy drink because I just want it to exist in the world. Well, breaking news to you, John. It will continue to exist in the world indefinitely. It's impossible to destroy. It's like a MacGuffin from a comic book movie. Throw it in the trash and it will still live on forever. And Jenny, I am sensitive to your plight as a parent.

I know what it's like to have a house that's too small and the chaos agents known as small children wandering around them, destroying things, and so on and so forth. That's my life too. And I also have immense respect for the emotional work that you've done to preserve the order of your family and to preserve the feelings of your husband,

who you obviously love very much. And John, I don't doubt that you love Jenny very much as well, although I kind of have to make a bigger leap to make that presumption. But I think it's probably true. It's true. Frankly, the only ameliorating factor here, John, for me, the only thing that warms me to your case is that you've apparently used a professional light box to photograph all of these items.

And so they will look very good when they're on the Judge John Hodgman Instagram page. So here are my orders to you. First of all, I want you to host a weird food party. You can add weird foods to the mix, and in fact, I would encourage you to do so. Why not green tea Kit Kats? Why not adobo-flavored corn snacks? In fact, I suggest that you watch Brian and Lindsay Will Totally Eat That on the MaxFun YouTube channel for a few great ideas.

Invite some friends over. All of you consume these together. Furthermore, I order that you, John, eat some of every single one of these items. These are food items, and you have brought this upon yourself. If they are poisonous, do not feed them to others. You must eat them. If you start to feel ill, Steven Seagal-like, which is to say bloated, gassy, distempered, c'est la vie. It's your party, buddy.

You brought this upon yourself. It's your party, buddy. You brought this upon yourself. Secondarily, I order you to obtain cheesecake-flavored Kit Kats. These are Kit Kats that you bake in a toaster oven that then become a delicious, gooey, baked treat. I want you to make a video of the two of you eating them together in a romantic context. Perhaps a candlelit dinner., glasses of red wine. You do white wine, actually, with cheesecake Kit Kats.

Thank you, Jordan. Thank you. Small yay in my off time. That's why we've got bailiffs. Yeah. I want you to make a brief video of you eating them straight out of the toaster oven in a romantic context so that we can post it on the Judge John Hodgman Instagram. I order that you take your Steven Seagal energy drink, which is made with real evaporated, organic, imported

cane juice crystals, to your office and display it on your desk for a period of one year after which it is at your discretion but if this item is good enough for your own home in your own family it's good enough for your co-workers and it will show what a fun cool Steven Seagal-loving, blues guitar-playing guy you are. And finally, Jenny, I don't want to leave you out of all of this. I order you to try making pickled beets because I love pickled beets. It's definitely my favorite type of pickle. It's really good.

Throw a bay leaf in there. And please, throw a bay leaf in there. It is so ordered. This is the sound of a gavel. Fake Judge Jesse Thorne rules. And that was all. Please rise as Judge Jesse Thorne exits the courtroom. So Jenny and John, let's get some thoughts on the verdict.

Jenny, you came out on top of that one. How are you feeling? I'm feeling really good. I'm excited. I'm excited for the party. I'm a little nervous and probably will have my car keys on hand while John consumes all of these items. Have your car keys on?

Oh, so you could, like, drive him to the hospital? Yeah, you never know. You would take your child and flee while he dies on the kitchen floor of ding-dong poisoning? Or in case, sorry to break out of my chambers here, but in case any of the beverages have fermented and he gets too drunk and thinks he can drive. Oh, sure. That's true. Yeah, the

energy drink might be an alcoholic beverage by now. John, how are you feeling? How did you like the idea of the weird food party? I like it. I think it'll be fun. Hey, you know what's funny? I suggested a bay leaf

and I'm the bay-liff. Bay leaf. Bay-liff. Anyway. John and Jenny, thank you for being on the podcast, and we both hope you are strong in your intestinal regions. Another case in the books. Before we dispense some swift justice,

we want to thank Jason Jackman for naming this week's episode, Edible Arraignments. If you'd like to name a future episode, like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. We regularly put out a call for submissions. Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne at Jordan underscore Morris and check out Bubble Maximum Fund's scripted sci-fi comedy podcast guest starring Judge John Hodgman himself in episode three. It's available wherever you get your podcasts. That's bubble from MaximumFun.org. Hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO, and check out the Maximum Fun subreddit to discuss this episode. Evidence from this week's episode can be found on the Judge John

Hodgman page on the Maximum Fun website and on our Instagram account, which can be found at instagram.com slash judgejohnhodgman. This week's episode was recorded by Mark Nerbrass and Frank Torres at KJZZ Radio in Tempe, Arizona. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. And now let's get to some Swift Justice. Oddly, not the title of a Steven Seagal movie. Yeah, it seems like it should be. We will is Jennifer Marmer. And now let's get to some swift justice. Oddly, not the title of a Steven Seagal movie. Yeah, seems like it should be. We will answer your small disputes with a quick judgment. What do we got, Bailiff Jordan?

Lauren says, last year, my husband's New Year's resolution was to laugh at my jokes. Now that the resolution has expired, he refuses to laugh at my jokes. I would like the judge to order my husband to humor me and laugh at my very corny but very awesome jokes. Smiley face emoji. That's not just a smiley face emoji, Jordan. That's a laughing out loud emoji.

He's got tears in his eyes emoji. I miss the tears. It symbolizes her sadness that her husband no longer supports her. Right. He ran off with that cat who has heart eyes. Jordan, you've been forced to laugh at my jokes for, gosh, I'm 37. Yeah. So that would make it 18 years now.

Oh, sure. It's a special kind of hell that I live in. What's your feeling about this? Boy, how do I feel about this? I mean, he shouldn't. Listen, there's degrees of laughter. There's like the laugh you give, you know, when something unexpected happens or when something, you know, a truly genius piece of comedy happens. But then there is the laugh that you give because you love someone. It's an expression of delight that, you know, they're there. They're trying to make you laugh.

You love them. You love their spirit. And I don't think that because it is something that maybe you have to muster, that means that it is any less valid. So I will say to your husband, personally, my opinion is that if you are making a joke, unless it is in poor taste, he should try and muster some sort of reaction, even if it is a good intentioned groan. There you go. That's the one. Here's the part that strikes me as the key.

Now that the resolution has expired, he refuses to laugh at my jokes. So you think on principle he's not laughing. My initial feeling is, I think, that no one should be forced to laugh at anyone else's jokes. A smile and a nod should suffice if you're not moved to laugh. I'm concerned that the husband may be a Star Trek android who doesn't know what jokes are or how to laugh and in fact has to build up some kind of weird system of rules inside his head in order to laugh at jokes.

And I'm also concerned even more than that, even more deeply than that, that he's some kind of vengeful monster who's trying to make his wife feel bad. I'm going to balance those concerns against my initial feeling. I'm going to rule that he must always acknowledge her jokes in the spirit in which they are offered and in the spirit of their love and partnership. However, I will not order that that acknowledgement must take the form of a laugh. A fond smile, a pat on the shoulder, will not order that that acknowledgement must take the form of a laugh.

A fond smile, a pat on the shoulder, sure, a rub on the tum-tum, whatever it may be, I will ask that you do so with a free, open, and loving heart. But that laughter ultimately is something that need not be faked. It's a natural reactive act, and if it does not come naturally to him, then so be it. However, he must do something to acknowledge the sanctity of his relationship with the person that he loves. Twins dancing emoji. Painting nails. That's about it for this week's episode.

Submit your cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO or email Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. No case, too small. We'll see you next time on the Judge Don Hodgman podcast. Bear emoji, bear emoji, crab emoji, crab emoji, crab emoji. MaximumFun.org. Bear emoji, bear emoji, crab emoji, crab emoji, crab emoji.