Judge John Hodgman - Emergency Podcast System

Episode Date: August 21, 2013

A couple disagrees on how to implement a response to tornado warnings near their home.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm your guest bailiff, Monty Balmonte from 93.9 The River, WRSI in Northampton, Massachusetts. Emergency tornado shelter of Judge John Hodgman. This week, emergency podcast system. Kristen and Justin are a married couple. Kristen says her husband isn't reacting with the proper amount of alarm to tornado warnings in their town. Justin says he's weighed the risks and has his own game planned for tornadoes. Who will be safe and sound somewhere underground? And who is in danger of a

house landing upon them? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the This is a test. This podcast station is conducting a test of the emergency summary judgment system. This is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, such as Judge John Hodgman failing to find an appropriately cryptic cultural reference to make before beginning his podcast because it is summer and he is lazy, you would next hear an emergency cultural reference in the form of bailiff Jesse Thorne quoting various lines from his favorite movie. And the summary judgment itself would be decided arbitrarily by computers buried underground.

But this is only a test. There is no way John Hodgman would be so lazy in summary as to not find an appropriate cultural reference. So we will now return you to your regularly scheduled podcast. Guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, please swear them in. Kristen and Justin, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Sharknado or whatever? I do. I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that the 1996 Helen Hunt Bill Paxton movie is like John Hodgman's total favorite?

I do. I do. Thank you. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. You didn't name my favorite movie. Twister. Twister is the name of it. Well, there goes that summary judgment.

Yeah. All right, for an immediate summary judgment in your favor, can either of you name Jesse Thorne's favorite movie that he will quote from? If this were truly an emergency summary judgment system. Pootie Tang? I think that's up there kristen um i really don't i'm not sure i have no idea um no snakes on a plane no i don't know that's the old school Sharknado that was when

that was when they they were making movies that were not specifically meant to become internet memes they still thought they would make a movie now they just make an internet meme Sharknado in this case and then

just sort of patch together some semblance of images and moving pictures in order to justify the internet meme that they have launched. This court would have accepted Kristen and Justin babe to pig in the city. Oh. Oh, yes.

Which you should have gotten, Justin, because it says here that you are a movie theater manager. I am, in fact, yes. And Kristen, you are a lawyer and concerned wife. Why are you concerned? I am concerned because Justin refuses to abide by tornado warnings. And he when, you know, when asked to take shelter during a tornado, particularly during the night, You know, when asked to take shelter during a tornado, particularly during the night, he will say that the yearly statistics on tornado deaths are not sufficient to warrant leaving his bed. I presume he has them on his nightstand. Oh, no, but often if the weather looks bad, I will check the weather from a mobile device or something. Thank you for not buzz marketing the smartphone that you use.

What, so wait, where do you live? You live in Kentucky? Lexington, Kentucky, yes. Oh, Tornado Alley, Kentucky. Not really, but yeah. No, that's just an inappropriately named gated community in Kentucky. What, Justin, how many tornado warnings do you get in, where is Lexington, Kentucky? What, Justin, how many tornado warnings do you get in Lexington? Where is Lexington, Kentucky?

East, south, northwest? It's central Kentucky. It's about... It's an east, south, northwest Kentucky. Yes. Now, I've never been to Kentucky. One of my oldest

and best friends, Adam Sachs, who contributes the Obsessivore column to Bon Appetit magazine, Buzz Marketing, is from Lowville, Kentucky. I think that's how you pronounce it. Lowville. Lowville. I think is how it's pronounced. And I've always wanted to go. I hear it's fantastic.

I love bourbon. So you're a public interest attorney in Kentucky. Your husband followed you down because a movie theater manager can get work anywhere. That's a job you take with you from town to town because there are just so many fantastic movie palaces that need managing. And it's a skill. It's a rare skill that not many people have. It's true. It's very true. What kind of movie theater do you manage? There's some kind of art house cinema, like a Coolidge Corner movie house of the South?

It's your standard multiplex movie theater, unfortunately. Oh, okay. So just a regular old. Yeah, basically. How were receipts for Kick-Ass 2 this weekend? I heard it was a little disappointing. A little disappointing, yeah. I like to get my on-the-ground box office reports from my own scientifically chosen sample of movie theater managers, which equal Justin. Justin, you are a movie theater manager. Is your movie theater also a fallout shelter?

I wouldn't describe it as such, no. You've actually had a tornado there. We have had a tornado touchdown in the shopping center where my movie theater is located. Were you there at the time? I was there at the time, correct. Did you go into each movie theater and say, hey, everybody, a tornado just touched down, but please stay in your seats and continue to enjoy the movie? Because we all know these tornadoes are BS. Yeah, I wouldn't want to lose ticket sales.

So I definitely, no, we actually, we did shut down the theater temporarily and pulled everybody out into the main promenade where it was deemed to be the safest. The main promenade of what? Of the, basically, like... You kicked them all outside? No, no, the... Basically the hallway. The hallway, essentially. You call your hallway a main promenade?

I don't call it that, but that's what the theater calls it. Okay, so inside the theater, you moved them all into the hallway, which was considered to be structurally the soundest part of the area. Correct. That was your responsibility as a movie theater manager. Was anyone hurt or killed in this tornado? No, in fact, I don't believe any real damage was done anywhere. Most of the theaters we get in the Lexington, I mean, most of the theaters, most of the tornadoes we get in the Lexington area are just are very minor and somewhat inconsequential, really. They're just.

Yeah, but they're tornadoes. Do you know how many tornadoes we get in western Massachusetts where I am hiding out in the internetless hills and occasionally coming down to see Monty Belmonte here at WRSI to record this podcast? Guess how many tornadoes we got last year? Maybe two. I have no idea. We get them more now because of global warming. Right. Well, that's another thing. It's changing.

Yes. The tornadoes are not only becoming more frequent, they're also becoming meaner. We also have microbursts, which are like tornadoes. Sometimes they touch down, but there's only been one that has been very bad over the course of the last three years. Monty Belmonte, when I drove down here from Maine last time I came to see you, it was through a torrential downpour that

threatened to kill my family. And we both kept getting flash flood warnings on our phones. Yeah, via the emergency broadcast system, something that had never happened before. And when I say it threatened to kill my family, it actually sent my family a note saying I'm going to kill you and your family. Of a newspaper and had all that strange typography.

Right, exactly. Because we still have print newspapers here. So, but seriously, the weather, I guess the point we're making is the weather can kill you and it's getting worse. And there is a history of tornado warnings in Lexington, Kentucky, whether or not you take these tornadoes seriously. Is that not right, Kristen? Yes, and that's exactly my point. I think that he should what I'm requesting from the court today is a rich requiring him to seek shelter when there is a warning.

How many warnings do you get per year, would you guess? I would say three to four in the county, that would touch our county. I would dispute that in that I think that we get watches rather than warnings. No, we get three to four warnings per year. I'm not saying per tornado season. Did either of you, realizing that this is a real court of fake internet justice, think to compile these statistics into evidence that could submit to me i have i have submitted evidence on the number of tornado deaths in kentucky for the last several

years but i did not have a number of warnings i could not find that yeah i actually also looked for the number of uh warnings versus uh watches and i couldn't find the number as i mean as the movie theater manager i do keep pretty close tabs on it because it can affect business and risk of power outages, etc. And I do notice that we do get a fair amount of watches. I don't notice a lot of warnings. Let me just interrupt here to say, to make a direct address to the state of Kentucky.

State or Commonwealth of Kentucky? Commonwealth. Ah, another one. Commonwealth. state of Kentucky? State or Commonwealth of Kentucky? Commonwealth. Ah, another one. Commonwealth of Kentucky, this is Judge Sean Hodgman speaking to you institution to institution. Why are you keeping your tornado data secret? Why couldn't these people find out how many tornado watches and warnings there were in Kentucky last year or this year or any time? Why are you doing this to me and my podcast?

All right, let's get back to it. So the data is in dispute. But Kristen, you feel that there were three or four tornado warnings over the past year, let's say? Past 12 months. In any 12 month period, on average, you say three to four tornado warnings. Justin, you say that those are more likely watches. Justin,

what is the difference? The watch, my understanding, and this is coming from Wikipedia, bear in mind. And we have a disagreement on this point. Sure. There was no way that you could get actual information. So you turned to Wikipedia for the actual distinct definition between a warning and a watch. We can blame Rand Paul for this.

You understand that the reason that I am so hard on you about gathering evidence and presenting it to me is that I don't want to have to do this work myself. You're trying to convince me of something. Find out the information. I don't want to have to do this work myself. You're trying to convince me of something. Find out the information. I don't want to have to do it. And I actually have a much better source for that. The AccuWeather website provides that a warning is a, is basically, a warning means that a tornado is currently occurring somewhere in the area.

And a watch simply means that conditions are conducive to a tornado forming. Right. And I believe that that is the standard definition. Okay, I got you. The definition I have for warning is that... Coming from Wikipedia. No, I accept hers. I accept hers. I don't want to hear yours. Okay. That makes sense. And what't want to hear yours. Okay.

That makes sense. And what you're going to say is not going to be substantively different, is it? Not to me. Then don't waste my time. Fair enough. So let's say, let's split the baby. Let's say there are two tornado warnings per year and two tornado watches per year. Fair or unfair?

Kristen? I'd say that's fair, particularly if we're considering tornado warnings that occur at night. I'd be willing to accept that. Well, you both want to see this baby cut in half. I guess you're both the mother. All right, then. What are you instructed to do when you receive a tornado warning? Or do you not know?

Do you then search it up on Wikipedia? Well, when you're in your home, you are supposed to avoid windows. You're supposed to get under some type of sturdy protection. And I believe you're also supposed to get into the lowest and smallest, basically the room that is the smallest that you can find, like, you know, under a stairwell or in a small bathroom or something of that nature. And that is what you would like your husband to do? Well, I would at least, I would, I'm just minimally asking him to get out of our bedroom, which is, you know, surrounded by big windows and get into our basement away from a window. That's all I'm simply asking him for.

Like, I'll compromise that you can't comfortably sit in our tiny basement bathroom. So, I'm sorry, repeat that for me. You don't want him to get in the basement, or you do? I want him to get into the basement, but I will concede that getting two people into our basement bathroom is probably not a possibility. And why are you getting into the bathroom of the basement? Because it's... The smaller the room, the more... I think the more the... I'm not really sure, but... There's no windows. No windows, and there's more structural support in a smaller room.

Also, they'll say if you get in a bathtub, the bathtub is connected to the plumbing, so it has a better chance of holding on if something were to happen. Oh. Oh. Yeah, that's why I don't ever get in a rowboat with my friend never or jump on my broomstick or get into my rocking chair you know that those jokes would have to be made at some point i know right okay uh so you would be willing to settle for him

getting into any into any bathtub with you no into the basement away from the windows. Into any part of the basement? Away from the windows, yes. You got a creepy basement? We have, well, half of our basement is completely underground, which would be useful to be in during a tornado. Yeah. And getting in that portion would be, I think it would be the best option. In the underground basement, like the fully underground,

nothing is above it, correct? Is that what you mean to say? Well, half of our basement, it's like carved away in a hillside. Oh, I see what you're saying. Half of our basement is underground and half is not. So then the half of the basement that is fully underground, do you have egress from the basement, separate egress from the basement that is not through the home,

like a bulkhead door or something like that? Yes, we do. You do, okay. Why don't you want to take this simple basic precaution, Justin? Well, I'm, I have, well, first of all, I guess I would say that the chances of us ever being injured in a tornado in the state of, I mean, in the city of Lexington is, as far as I can tell, close to non-existent. It's negligible because nobody's ever been killed, as far as we can tell, or even seriously injured by a tornado.

So even though these warnings happen and occur... What do you mean, as far as you can tell, based on the statistics that you saw written in starlight on the sky one afternoon? No, we looked it up on Wikipedia. We have a... No, I have evidence from... I have several exhibits for you, Your Honor, that are from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and they actually show several deaths per year in the last several years. I mean, it's not a huge number, but it's significant. And they're from surrounding counties to the county that we live in. So I believe that that's significant, but that's where we disagree.

Yeah, there are, I think, a grand total of, I'm looking at between the year 1991 and current. No, that's between 2008 and 2012. Well, we're looking at less than 10, I think. And that's none in Lexington. And I suspect, and then there's no real information on how or why those deaths occurred, but I suspect they either had poor shelter or no shelter. And we have a pretty sturdy house. Well, and this is another point of contention that I have. I believe that the reason that deaths are so few from the tornadoes is because people heed the warnings

when they are given in general. Now we have an unsolvable logic problem. Are there very few deaths because there are very few tornadoes and the people who die are are dum-dums who go out into outside like you, Justin? or there are very few deaths because or there would there be many many more deaths if they did not heed kristen's advice this is uh in uh and and get into the into the jacuzzi in the in the basement bathroom this is this is a completely unresolvable argument between two hypotheticals uh fair enough i may be a combination of you don't know you don't know who these people you unresolvable argument between two hypotheticals. Fair enough. Maybe a combination of two.

You don't know who these people, you don't know the stories of these people who died. This is true. You don't know why they met the fate that they did. It's still a remarkably small number compared to... You're basically saying those people died because unlike me, bad things happened to them. That's basically your whole thing.

Well, it sounds that way. I have to imagine at least some of them didn't have good shelter. Has anyone, Kristen, has anyone died in a tornado attack in Lexington Fayette Urban County, where you live, Kentucky, the heart of the Bluegrass region? In 2009, there were two deaths. Cities population of 305,489. In 2009, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, there were two deaths in the next county over, which is a mere few miles from us. And there was two deaths in 2009. National Oceanographic. National Oceanic? Kentucky is landlocked.

But I guess they're the ones who provide tornado statistics. I don't understand. It's called NOAA because they're expecting another epic flood and they have to build an arc somewhere in Lexington, Kentucky, eventually. That's not true. It's called NOAA. N-O-A-A. It's commonly referred to as NOAA. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. That does ring a bell.

Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was so mean to those guys. Jonah is the organization that studies whales for the government. What? I just made that part up. Okay, fine. But, yeah, none of those did take place within Lexington.

And those, I mean, the surrounding area of Lexington is very rural and it includes a lot of a lot of mobile homes and homes that aren't generally as structurally sound as within the city. So I think that's fair. But still, why do you why do you think it's not fair? Because it's it's incredibly classist that he's saying that people with mobile homes deserve to die in a storm. that he's saying that people with mobile homes deserve to die in a storm? Yes, and I worked, my office for five years was in, well, I guess three and a half years was in Madison County, Kentucky, and it's a fairly urban area where EKU, Eastern Kentucky University, is located. So it's not a big trailer park.

Is that where the deaths occurred? The statistics do not provide that information, unfortunately. But you said the deaths occurred in the neighboring county. So do you know which county they occurred in? Right, they occurred in Madison County. Oh, yes. I'm sorry. I thought you were asking whether or not they occurred on EKU's campus.

No, no, no, no, no. That would be a strange question to ask. I guess so. But yes, it occurred in Madison County. Is there any other geographical reason that Madison might be more susceptible to killer tornadoes than Lexington Fayette Urban County? No, it's a very similar terrain. It's very similar. Oh, it's a very similar terrain. It's very similar. But it's not as built up? It is. I would say, I mean, it's a smaller population overall, but it's fairly built up. But my main point, apart from that, I'm willing to concede that there are some deaths within the area. But given the population of Kentucky as a whole, it's almost negligible.

And it certainly hasn't happened within the city of Lexington. But the real risk that I see is if I wake up, if Kristen wakes me up in the middle of the night because it's storming or because the weather's bad and she sees that there's a tornado watch or a warning. A warning. Either one. I just, I'm a light, I'm like, it takes me forever to get back to sleep. If I actually get up and get moving, I can doze back off. But if I get up, I'm going to lose most of that night of sleep waiting for a tornado that a study from the University of Pennsylvania that basically says that sleep-related... Stop right there. We are talking about tornadoes.

The only statistics that you have cited for me regarding tornadoes so far, the only information has been hypothetical, anecdotal, or Wikipedia-al. The one actual study that you're willing to cite is with regard to your completely off-topic and invented straw-man argument about sleep deprivation. Sir, I know about sleep deprivation.

I dare say guest bailiff Monty Belmonte also knows about sleep deprivation. We both say guest bailiff Monty Belmonte also knows about sleep deprivation. We both have children. Don't you dare throw sleep deprivation up in my face, sir. Do you have an infant child? Not at...

No. Then shut up. You could sleep in a tornado, dummy. Sleep deprivation. How dare you bring my curse to bear. You made me so mad. Probably because I didn't get enough sleep last night. Because even though my,

because now my children are older and they won't go to bed before 10 p.m. He's about to leave the courtroom. Oh, he's back. My study does show that... I don't care about your study! Let me ask you a question about your house. How many stories is it?

It is one story with a finished basement. One story with a finished basement. How many bedrooms? Three bedrooms. How old is it? It is one story with a finished basement. One story with a finished basement. How many bedrooms? Three bedrooms. How old is it? It is from 1983. Have you done any renovations? Not structural. How many windows would you say it has? That's one of the parts of the house that concern me in this tornado argument. There are each, basically each bedroom has two large, very large windows in it. And they sort of wrap around the room. Like sliding glass windows, floor-to-ceiling windows? Like sliding glass windows, floor-to-ceiling windows?

Not floor-to-ceiling, but they are 72 inches long by 41 inches high, which is bigger than your average window. And they snake around so that they kind of form like one big window. Does your home have a central fireplace, like a central chimney? It does. Do you have a fireplace? We have a wood stove. You have a wood stove. How often do you build a fire in it? We've never had it cleaned out since we bought the house, so we have never built a fire in it.

Here's what I want you to do, Justin. I want you to have your wood stove cleaned out. I want you to wait until there's a little chill in the air, preferably within about two hours from now. I want you to light a merry little fire in there. And then I want you to throw your sleep deprivation study in the fire! I've heard everything I need. I'm going to go into my chambers and I'm going to make my decision.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom in a huff. Justin, this is not looking good for you. I don't know if I've ever seen the judge this angry. And I have been up since 2-15, Justin.

So I would like to add that whatever level of sleep deprivation that you claim to be suffering through, I suffer through it daily. I am a morning show host at a local radio station. I get four to five hours of sleep a night tops, and I have three children. But I do have a few questions for you both.

Justin? Sure. Are you just showing off, or are you really that committed to sleep? Are you not afraid of tornadoes and what they could possibly do to you, or are you just that committed to sleeping? I grew up terrified of tornadoes. He's that committed to sleep at this point in life. You like sleep more than life itself.

Yeah. I mean, I don't see tornadoes as posing any real risk. They've killed actual people in real life. Have you ever heard that? Yeah, but I... Yeah, I suppose so. Now, you have a finished basement. You have a bathroom down there.

Maybe you could put a wine cellar down there and turn tornado time into sexy time for Kristen and Justin. Have you thought about that? Add a little bit of romance to the drama of A Tornado Warning. It's certainly something to think about. As a theater manager, Justin, best tornado movie that you can think of? Certainly not Sharknado.

I suppose... I don't think there's... It's not a genre that's been well explored. Wrong, Wizard of Oz. Kristen, what exactly would you like him to do? Is getting under the bed when there's a warning enough? Or must you go all the way down into the basement every time there's a warning? Can you watch it moment to moment?

Can you monitor with your technology where the tornado may be lying? It's not accurate. And actually, that was one of the exhibits I have. It actually says that it's not always possible to tell where a tornado is and they're not always funneled clouds. And so I would at the very least like him to get into a windowless, structurally sound room. structurally sound room. So, but the basement is obvious. Since we have a finished basement that is also underground,

it would be the best thing and the safest for sure. If Justin had a bathtub installed under your bed, would that be enough? Then you could just crawl. You could roll him right out of the bed into the tub. Well, if it were connected to plumbing, I suppose, since you said that it would hold it there. I don't know, but there'd still be the windows in the room. And, you know, he's actually said that the reason that the tornadoes don't pose any danger to him

is that he could see them coming if one was forming. In the nighttime. I don't believe I ever said that. You did say that. He can said that. You did say that. He can feel it. You did say that. The hair on the back of his neck starts to stand up. You said that, spot it and get downstairs.

I can't imagine that I said that. Yes, you did. She has you on tape. But I woke you up to ask you to get downstairs. All right. Well, we'll be back in just a moment with Judge John Hodgman's decision. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org

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Well, I have a few regrets with regard to this case. The first is that I did not properly acknowledge that Lexington, Kentucky is not only the second largest city in Kentucky and the 62nd largest in the United States, known as the thoroughbred city and the horse capital of the world. I also failed to note that it is the home to Transylvania University. Wow. A private university in Lexington, Kentucky called Transylvania University, which makes me think you might have more things to worry about than tornadoes. Second, I regret laughing so hard such that you could hear me through the thick,

insulated, tornado-proof walls of my chambers. When Kristen said that Justin said he could see tornadoes coming, I found that to be hilarious. And I'm sad. I'm grateful to guest bail of Monty Belmonte for bringing that out in questioning. My pleasure. And sad that I failed to do so. But it is dismissed as hearsay.

Because, Justin, you deny saying it. Is that not so? That is correct. You definitely said that. My third regret is that I was not present in the room when Kristen went on to say that tornadoes do not always come in the form of a funnel cloud. Which I took to mean that they sometimes come in the form of a cube. Or maybe in the form of a stray dog in the back alley, or maybe in the form of a mysterious stranger from Transylvania University.

Because as you know, Vampyr can take the form of a fine mist, or a horrifying tornado. Vampnado, sci-fi channel, get on it. I missed all of these opportunities because I was hiding from you and thinking about your situation. What Kristen says is true. Tornadoes come in many forms and often by surprise. I myself had just finished recording a Judge John Hodgman podcast and was working in my office in a building in Park Slope, Brooklyn, when

the skies darkened to an apocalyptic purple, the clouds thundered, the rain poured, the vampires from Transylvania University came down to visit the town. came down to visit the town. And suddenly, on my flickering internet screen, there was a tornado warning in Brooklyn. Statistically an unlikely place to get warned of a tornado. And I did not go in the basement. And I simply continued to answer my email,

thinking that I too could see a tornado coming, when indeed the signs were all around me. And after the skies finally cleared, I went downstairs and opened the front door of the building in which I have my office and found that I could not leave my building because of a massive tree branch that had fallen off of a massive tree and barred my exit from the building. And suddenly I realized they were not joking about the tornado.

And indeed, all up and down Seventh Avenue, there was horrible devastation as old tree branches had smashed cars. And whatchamacallit, what's the newspaper that no one ever reads? The New York Times? No, no, no, no. The one that... The New York Post? The, no, no, no. The one that... The New York Post? The Village Voice. Village Voice.

All of those. All of the above. The newspaper... They're not machines anymore. You just take them because they can't possibly charge for print newspapers anymore. The newspaper boxes? The newspaper boxes had been lifted up in the cyclone and thrown through the plate glass window of a local hipster clothing outfitter. That is sort of a local version of Urban Outfitters that we have in Brooklyn, shall go unnamed.

And we suffered no fatalities in our normally tornado proof neck of the woods but it could very well have happened the thing is you can't see tornadoes coming they come by night as a visiting professor from transylvania university and by surprise and And they're serious business, as anyone in Moore, Oklahoma will tell you. And I appreciate that that's statistically a much more likely place. That is Tornado Alley. That's a much more likely place to have tornadoes form and for tornadoes to be huge and to do more damage. But even in a place that thought it was prepared for a tornado,

it could not be prepared for. And I would say that it is the height of folly and personal fallacy to suggest that tornadoes aren't going to hurt you because you're not the kind of person who's hurt by tornadoes. Because you can see them coming and you like your sleep. Tornado watches?

No one cares. Tornado warning? Dude, go in the basement for half an hour. I agree with Monty Belmonte. I think you should fix up the basement. Into a tornado... Into a tornado den. A tornado retreat.

Enjoy your time down there. And be glad that you are alive and not in another dimension with horrifying flying monkeys. Because that could happen or worse. And then what if everything's in color?

Yeah, that's right. I forgot. Lexington is still in black and white, right? Only the grass is blue. That's right. It's in blue, black, and white. Yeah, well the grass is blue. That's right. It's in blue, black, and white. Yeah, well, in that case, maybe you should go out and be sucked up by that tornado. You'd enjoy what you see. You'd enjoy the outside world.

It's almost as beautiful as Ohio. The judge finds in favor of Kristen. This is the sound of a gavel. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all.

Justin, Kristen, I think it was quite clear before the good judge exited the courtroom the first time where he was going to rule on this. Kristen, congratulations to you. It seems like sanity will reign in your household from here on in. Yes. You probably just can't wait for that next tornado warning. When you'll be able to wake up your husband in the middle of the night and get to go down to the basement for a glass of Chablis and hang out in the bathroom. That sounds like, at least it won't be stressful. At least it'll be, you know, he'll be safe. And the dog will be safe.

Justin, you have committed to heeding to Judge John Hodgman's ruling. Are you prepared for this? Yeah, I mean, it's surprising. It seemed like everything was going my way, but I guess. At what point did you think things were going your way? Yeah, I'd be curious to know that too. No, I can see the wisdom in the ruling, so I guess in the future

I'm just going to have to lose a couple hours of sleep. Justin, Kristen, I don't mean to pry, but are you ever planning on having children? We're actually in the process of adopting now. So, Justin, if your child were living in that house and there was a tornado warning, would you try to get the child to safety? Yeah. Yeah, I would say I would say that would be something that I would do.

And the child is a guarantee that you're not going to get any sleep anyway. So you might as well just when those warnings go off, please heed them. Absolutely. I'm bound by the judgment of the court. That felt like an after-school special, The More You Know. Send off right there. No.

Well, thank you both. Klaxon, Klaxon, Klaxon. Thank you both for being on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thanks a lot. It was always fun. Thank you. you know what before you go i also further order one last thing i want you to take this podcast and i want you to isolate i'm approving your remix of this podcast isolate the sound of me making these noises

so that when the tornado warning comes you may play it on your unbranded smartphone directly into Justin's ear. Just this is the sound. Ah. Ah. Ah. Claxon. Claxon.

Claxon. Ah. Ah. Ah. Everybody dance now. Justin, report to basement immediately. Klaxon. Klaxon.

Okay, I think that'll do. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thanks again. Let's clear the docket, Judge John Hodgman. Oh, I'm sorry, Monty. I didn't see you there. I was trying to figure out how I could take my normal chamber's jacuzzi and make it into a tornado-proof jacuzzi by putting another jacuzzi on top of it.

And then I would have like a jacuzzi... I'd have like a sensory deprivation tank plus jacuzzi. I have no response. You know what I mean? But how would I get into it if it were completely full? Darth Vader style. It could open with water. You could open up, get in, close, fill with water, empty out, open up again, get out.

It's impossible to imagine. This is why no one has ever built a sensory deprivation tank. Let's clear the docket. Let's clear it. Benjamin writes, I'm writing to accuse my best friend Brian of defamation of character. We met through our jobs at the University of Vermont. Brian enjoys retelling a story from the earliest days of our friendship, but he leaves out crucial parts of his culpability. In October of 2008, our university department sent us with Kathy, our boss's boss, to a conference. We ate dinner together on a layover at the airport. When Kathy stepped away from her meal,

Brian ate half, and only half, of Kathy's final chicken finger. Assuming that this was part of the departmental culture-slash-humor norm, I reached for and consumed the other half of the chicken finger, admittedly becoming an accomplice in what I thought would be a hilarious event. Brian was in his second year of the job and knew Kathy well. While I was only a month or two in my position, I submit that I was following his lead. Upon Kathy's return to our table, calamity ensued. Brian admitted to the deed while I elected to remain silent and let my senior colleague take responsibility. This led to Brian carrying Kathy's carry-on luggage for the remainder of our trip.

My issue is that when Brian tells this story, he never owns up to his failing as a role model and mentor and focuses instead on my lack of speaking up in the moment, even though I admitted my role to Kathy several days later. In restitution for emotional damages, I ask that when Brian tells this story in the future, he acknowledges his failure as a role model. Benjamin, you are a creep. I don't know how to put it more plainly. What kind of person comes into a new job and witnesses his senior colleague

playing a little joke on a fellow senior colleague by eating half and only half of that person's chicken finger. I presume to use the ruler. And then you go ahead and eat the rest of that chicken finger? No, you keep your hands off people's food. You're in a job for a couple of months. Don't touch people's food. Don't think you know what's going on. You don't

know what's going on. When you are new to a job, you keep to yourself. You keep your head down. You learn. You observe. When you start making, oh boy, oh boy, Monty Bell, Monty. When I was working in an office a thousand years ago in the era of the fax machine, and I and the other assistants of some time there, pals, work pals, and I would be gathered around the fax machine and the large cell phone charging station, making our jokes. Someone came up who had been there for a month or two, started making jokes with us like he knew the jokes. Nothing annoyed me more. You got to do your time. You got to pay your dues. You got to learn whether it's okay to eat that second chicken finger. And then you don't even speak up and say, gosh, I'm sorry, Kathy. And then you don't even speak up and say, gosh, I'm sorry, Kathy.

I ate that second half of the chicken finger because Brian ate the first half of the chicken finger. And I thought that's how things went in this office. The crazy chicken finger gags that you guys are all pulling on each other. I wanted to be a part of it. So not only did you do the wrong thing, but you failed in the moment to acknowledge that you did the wrong thing. Whereas Brian very smartly acknowledged he did the right thing and then he did not sell you out. Goofus and gallant. Never a more clear case of goofus and gallant have I ever seen with you, sir, as the goofus. I find fully in favor of Brian and ask you to look

deep within yourself and find that half a chicken finger still lodged in your gut because those things don't digest for 35 years. Did you know that, Monty? Also think about having a snack before you go out with your boss's boss. Yeah. Not run into that awkward situation again. And stop trying to

be right all the time when you are clearly wrong most of the time. Next docket, please. Gary writes, I previously wrote in with a dispute between my 10-year-old daughter and myself, which you addressed in the episode entitled Fitness for the Prosecution.

She was asking for a court-ordered DNA test of our dog, King Louie. Yes. You ruled in favor of the test. Of course. The results are now in. I'm in favor of science, Monty. Who isn't?

Well, a few. Well, I think Justin from our previous case doesn't believe the science of tornado warnings. I can stare those tornadoes down. I'm from Columbus, Ohio. The results of the test are now in, and the following breeds were found to be most prevalent in his DNA. Affen Pinscher,

Alaskan Malamute, Brittany. Please assist us in determining what name to use in answer to the question, what kind of dog is it? Any direction the court could give

regarding the name of this mixed breed will be greatly appreciated. It's obviously an Alaskan Brittany Pinscher slash Cockapoo mix. And it should be named Brittany Malamute. I like that. Malamute is a pretty... it sounds like Marmaduke. Yeah, Malamute's a good name. I mean, I think Gary was asking about what should we call this mixed breed of dog. I think Alaskan Brittany Pinscher slash Cockapoo is correct.

Alaskan Mute Brittany Pinscher. It's like a mime that sexually harasses Brittany Spears when she's on tour in Alaska. You know what? I'll let the guest bailiff's judgment stand. That's a good one. An Alaskan Mute Brittany Pinscher. I'll amend that, Monty. I think it should be entered into the Kennel Association books as follows.

Your dog, King Louie, is a Monty Belmonti's Alaskan Mute Brittany Pinscher slash cockapoo. Pocket is cleared! Thanks to Tim Fargus for suggesting this week's case name. Thanks, Tim! Suggest a name week's case name. Thanks, Tim. Suggest a name for future cases. Like us on Facebook. We regularly put out calls for submissions. I've been your guest bailiff, Monty Belmonte of WRSI 93.9 The River.

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