Judge John Hodgman - Failure to Appear

Episode Date: September 10, 2014

An American graduate student wants her dad to visit her in Norway, the land of trolls.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, failure to appear. Stand brings the case against her dad, David. She's living in Norway for two years for graduate school and wants David to pay a visit to see her and the sights. David says travel is a hassle and Stand should just come home every once in a while. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents the obscure cultural

reference. I am from Norway, and I didn't like the movie. I went to watch it with my 10-year-old daughter, and I thought the movie was boring. It had bad actors, and they were constantly overacting. The script was bad, the story was bad, the concept was bad, and it seemed unrealistic in a bad way. The Swedish actress was good, and some of the action scenes were good, but it was all in the trailer. I want to compliment the Norwegian movie makers that they understand the Hollywood concept now,

where marketing is more important than the movie. I liked the trailer, and my daughter liked the movie. In my opinion, stay away from this movie. My daughter says that you ought to see it. Go ahead and swear them in, Jesse. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever?

I do. I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that he is biased as he recently became king of Norway? Yes. I will, Your Majesty. Very well. Judge Hodgman? They're going to put my picture on some sardine cans, Jesse. I just know it.

You've achieved your lifelong dream. David and Stand, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors. Can either of you possibly name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom? We'll begin with you. Now, the plaintiff, your name is Stand? That is a nickname, or is that your given name? It is a nickname. Your given name, I believe, is Kate or Katie? Yes, or Kathleen. There are many.

Kathleen. What is your given name? Do you know? Mm-hmm. Yes, I do. My birth certificate is Kathleen. And Stand is short for Standish or standoffish? Is it short for kickstand? What is it short for? For stand and deliver. It's for my last name. All right. But you prefer to be referred to as stand. I do, but my dad won't do that. And Judge Hodgman, I can confirm that as ridiculous as this may seem, we recently did call

her voicemail and the voicemail greeting says, hello, this is Stand. All right. Well, Stand, you may stand and deliver an answer to my question. If possible, can you name the piece of culture I referenced when I entered the courtroom? Don't wait for the translation. You're in Norway. Answer now. I very much doubt it. My only hope is that it's some sort of review related to Troll Hunter. Oh, no. Incorrect. David? Well, I have to go back in time.

Is that your given name? Or do you have a wacky nickname that you'd like me to use? David is fine. I'll call you Stand Pair. Stand Pare. My middle name is... Say again? Standfather. What is it? What is what? Oh, the cultural reference. I have to go back in time No, incorrect. Although you were very close, Stand Fee, it is not a review of Trollhunter. It is an internet review from the Internet Movie Database of the movie Ragnarok,

not the Netflix comedy special starring yours truly, John Stand Hodgman, but the action film made in Norway, Ragnarok, about the actual Norse mythology end times coming to modern day Norway. I have not seen it. Severin Meland from Norway did not like it, but his daughter did. I don't know. Have you seen that one, Stan, since you've been over there?

I have not. No, I have not seen it. And you are currently in Norway, and you have a dispute with your dad. State the nature of your dispute. What's your beef with dad? My beef with my dad is that he says that he does not want to come visit me while I study in Norway. I'm in Bergen currently. It's a very beautiful city. And I would love for him to come here and to experience some of what I've been experiencing and to be able to share that with him and with my mother. And my mother very much wants to come, but he insists on saying that he does not want to come see me.

Now, before we go any further, I happen to be in the home studio of Jonathan Colton right now, and it sounds as though Jonathan has chosen this time to idle his motorcycle outside his studio. Can you guys hear that? A little bit. I cannot. Hang on one second. Let me see if this guy that? A little bit. I cannot. Hang on one second. Let me see if this guy's going away or what. Hang on.

I would like to say that I scared that man who was idling a motorcycle on the sidewalk away, but as actually happened, he just chose that time to turn off his motorcycle. Maybe he got some psychic nerd vibes off of me. So, stand, you would like your dad to visit you in Bergen, Norway,

while you are studying end times prophecy or whatever it is you're doing over there. He says, no, if I find you in your favorite stand, what would you like me to do? Order your dad to visit you? Well,

yeah, I know that it's, it's against precedent to, to force someone to do what they don't want to do. I would like you to order him to visit me and more so without

complaining to my mom. He can complain to me as much as he likes. But to let my mom sort of have the illusion of him being happy to travel. So you want me to happy to, to travel. Um, so,

so you want me to compel him to travel and you want me to compel him to lie to your mother. I understand, David, what, what's the problem? What's the problem? All that's being asked of you is international travel plus deceit.

This is the, this is the dream of every, of, of every young want to be spy. That, that is to say, every 12-year-old boy. Why don't you want to travel the world and deceive a woman? Are you directing that at me, Your Honor? Of course I am. I'm not 12 years old anymore.

See, I'm very old and frail and decrepit. See, I'm very old and frail and decrepit, and so I have a hard time and get stressed out when I wait in lines and all that kind of thing. Anything associated with the pre-flight hassle and the post-flight hassle stresses me out. How old are you, sir? You want the age that I actually am or the age that my wife says I am. You are... Do you and your wife disagree on this? It's a point of fact or is more of a philosophical matter? I'd say philosophical, but yeah, I'm 73.

You're 73 by the calendar and by your wife's reckoning? About 14. She's not here to answer the question, so I'll ask you, Stan, why does your mom suggest that your dad is 14? Is he young at heart? Does he have terrible complexion? What's going on? I would say he's definitely young at heart. She

might also add something about maturity level but I think primarily young at heart. Oh in the sense that your dad is being openly contrarian and saying I want to stay home I don't want to go to the restaurant tonight

like that? Yes. Right, okay. David, you're 73 years old, an honored elder in our society. And you live where? I live on Whidbey Island. It's near Seattle. It's about, oh, maybe a half hour to 45 minutes north of Seattle.

Oh, okay. That sounds like a beautiful country. Is that where you grew up, Stan? I grew up in Seattle itself. Okay. And they retired and moved up to Whitby. Oh, okay. That's lovely. How long does it take to get from Seattle to Bergen, Norway? What's the route there, Stan? Do you got to fly from Seattleattle is there a direct flight to oslo from seattle uh i believe there is i personally flew to reykjavik first so i did um about seven and a half hours to reykjavik and then another two hours 15 minutes to bergen is it is you got a you got a major airport you got an international airport in bergen

i wouldn't say it's major, but you can certainly... Certainly international if you're getting flights from Iceland. Yes. All right. And Bergen, I don't know anything about it. Is it a big town? It's relatively small. It's the second largest city in Norway.

Yeah, okay, fine. That's all I need to know. As far as Norway goes, it's a major center because it's the second largest. They have an airport there that's taken flights from Iceland. How far away do you live from the airport in Bergen?

I live about 20 minutes away. And how old are you? I'm 35. And what are you doing there? I'm going to graduate school. Yeah, I know, but what are you? I'm 35. And what are you doing there? I'm going to graduate school. Yeah, I know. But what are you studying?

And I'm studying health promotion. Health? I'm studying health promotion. Is that like getting out orange juice at baseball games? Are you handing out flyers for Obamacare in Norway? Well, here it's football games, but yes. So health promotion is focusing on the determinants of what causes a healthy life and then trying to figure out ways to encourage that.

And it may have things to do with stuff like disease prevention, but it goes a bit beyond that. It also takes into account sort of a larger picture of people's social environments and tries to find ways to shape them in order to make people healthier. So are you in Norway because the university you're doing your graduate work is located in Norway, or are you doing field research in Norway? The university is located here in Bergen. And why did you choose that particular program? Are there no health promotion graduate programs in the United States? nothing against Norway but my understanding is that when I think of the Scandinavian

countries I think of these things probably amazing universal health care right also and also all they do is eat crayfish and sticks of butter all day long

and meatballs and fish cakes meatballs of course and waffles eat crayfish and sticks of butter all day long. And meatballs. And fish cakes. Meatballs, of course. And waffles. The famous Norwegian meatballs. Yeah. No, no. Norwegian.

Yeah. I believe it's Norwegian. Norwegian meatballs. That sounds right. These ones are Norwegian. I don't know what they're peddling over there on Whidbey Island. You know what would be funny? If the Muppets did a meatball thing with their famous Norwegian chef character.

That would be really funny. Like, bork, bork, bork. Yeah, and he's making meatballs. Yeah, with those weird actual human hands. I believe the only Muppet that actually didn't bother to put on felt mitts. That was just one of Jim Henson's hands, wasn't it? And the other one was the other operator. Yeah, just there making fish cakes.

Just putting his Norwegian hands into some Norwegian meatballs. No, David, we understand that Swedish meatballs are more common. That was the essence of that very, very, very slender joke. David, do you call your daughter Stand or what do you call her? I call her Kate or Katie. I will, out of respect for you, Stand, and for health promotion the world over, I will call you Stand. Well, thank you.

Why did you choose this particular program in Norway? Yeah, so it's a combination of different factors. The program itself, I was very excited about. I've also always wanted to live abroad and it's you know more difficult to live abroad if you don't do it through something like school. I mean certainly possible but this is a great avenue, an opportunity to live abroad and you know sets up a community. And then additionally, coming here to study is actually cheaper than the tuition would be in the United States for, you know, a reasonable, I was looking at the University of Washington, they have a great

public health program. But the tuition is significantly more expensive because there's essentially no tuition here. The cost of living is very high here, but even still, it's less than half of the amount of tuition. Wait a minute. So you're saying the Norwegian, what university is this? University of Bergen. University of Bergen is saying to all Americans, come on over here and get a free graduate degree in health promotion. If you can make your way here, you get it for free. More or less.

I'm not sure I understand how the University of Bergen is thinking. Yeah, well, I've been told that they're interested in getting exchange students, especially Americans, because it also lends credibility to their program. And, you know, if someone's coming all the way from the U.S. and we have a very good education system in the U.S. that to come to study here, you know, that looks good for you. Are you an exchange? Are you an exchange student or did you just apply to the University of Bergen? Actually, yeah, I applied directly. You're 35 years old, so

that's rather old to be getting, what is this, a master's degree? It's a master's, yeah. So did you have a career, I presume you have a bachelor's degree from some maybe a college in Denmark or some other foreign country that is giving away

degrees for free? I wish. Some kind of South African teacher's college? Yeah. Did you get a bachelor's degree in snake conservation at the University of Western Australia? That would be fantastic. Unfortunately, I got a Bachelor of Arts in Humanities at Seattle University.

Oh, yeah, well, right. You might as well have shredded that the day you got out of school. And then you, and did you receive your degree from the University of Washington? University of Washington, you said? Seattle U. Oh, Seattle U, excuse me. You received your degree later in your life or around traditional degree award in time, degree award in season like 21, 22, 23? I was actually 20 when I got my bachelor's.

All right. So what have you been doing for the past 15 years of your life? Did you take another degree at that time or have you just been living life? I've done a lot of living life. I've done a lot of taking different classes and sort of exploring what direction I wanted to go in. Strangely, humanities wasn't a great degree to launch into a career. David, let me ask you a question. Sure. How many degrees does your daughter have?

She has the bachelor's degree. And she has actually done many things. I mean, she's been involved with photography. She's been involved with music. She actually graduated a year early from high school because she was in a program that was three years of high school and then right into college. And then she graduated in three years from college. She sounds super smart. Is she an only child?

No, she's one of... Hello, can you hear me? Yeah, hi. We were just talking about your educational history and how you've been super smart since you were young. And you've taken... You've done a lot of studying, a lot of traveling, and you've got a lot of worldly knowledge and book knowledge, but you still managed to hang up on yourself from time to time. Or was that the Norwegian phone system? Hey, that's my, that's my

line. I'm sorry, Stan. Before I compel your dad to travel abroad and interrogate his motives and life choices, I just have a few more questions for you. What caused you to have this comparatively late in life decision to return to graduate school to study health promotion specifically in Norway? Where were you when you're like, yes, this is the thing for me? Well, I knew that I wanted to go to grad school at some point, but I was trying to determine a vocation that I would really feel fulfilled by and satisfied by and also feel like I was giving back to the world. And I was working for the National Cancer Institute as an information specialist. And I was kind of, it's kind of a social work slash almost librarian-like position

where you're translating information from things like textbooks to the public based on their questions and trying to help them understand medically technical issues. And I found that very satisfying in many ways, but it made me realize I wanted to go further and further sort of towards health and, you know, ideally towards science as much as possible. It's not that easy to do with a humanities degree. Right. Had you had a lot of science background before you enrolled in this program? Unfortunately, not.

Not a lot. Is the University of Bergen actually requiring you to do any coursework, or are they just now just handing out the degree? You just show up and they print it out for you? Well, you have to live through the winter. It's a taught master's. So yeah, you have coursework for the first year, and then you do a thesis. And how many years is the program?

Two years. And how many years have you been in it? I've been here three and a half weeks. Oh, so you just arrived? I just arrived. Well done. Okay. And do you feel like you're still seeking in life? Do you feel like once you get this master's degree, you know what's next for you?

Or do you think you might find another country to take residence in and do some more searching and thinking about what you want to do? I can't guarantee that I wouldn't go to another country and search and think, but I would definitely hope that I could move into sort of a research, a health research career. Right. Okay. I'm just trying to figure out if how you're kind of a searcher and a thinker, right?

You're a seeker. I am a seeker. Yeah. And I just want to get a sense of how, how long you're going to be seeking before I make your dad travel to Norway in case you want him to go to some other country sometime soon. He's going to invest this time. I want to make sure that Norway is the place that you're going to be by the time he arrives. Sir, you have two years in order to get to Norway if I find in Stan's favor. What is the problem with visiting your daughter abroad? Let me ask you straight up right away.

Is all of your pre-crankiness about the travel that hasn't even happened yet cover for affordability issues? Could you and your wife afford to go to Norway? Maybe halfway. Okay. No, we can afford it. Somewhere in the North Atlantic, then? Yeah, we could probably make it to New York. Okay.

No, there's no problem. We could certainly do it once. And indeed, I understand that once or maybe twice. Yeah, it's not a financial problem. Okay, right. And indeed, if I understand the case correctly, you have offered to fly Stan home to visit you and the comfort of Whidbey Island. Oh, yes. Famous for its meatballs.

Yes, we can make those. Yeah. Okay, so why not take your daughter up on this wonderful opportunity? I mean, I agree that it's a long flight. If you were to follow her path, that would be seven and a half hours to Reykjavik

and another two and a half to Bergen. And I'm sure there's someone on the podcast who could probably do the math and figure out what that comes to total, but I can't. Six hours. Yeah, that would be 10 hours.

Oh, my goodness. Sir, what was your career before you retired? Mathematician? Close. I was a Boeing engineer. Oh, okay, fantastic. It's too bad we don't have John Roderick on the line, I was a Boeing engineer. Oh, okay, fantastic. It's too bad we don't have John Roderick on the line,

a Boeing enthusiast and neighbor. Do you have a suggestion, sir, for what, based on your past career, what kind of vehicle would be best to get from Washington to Norway? I'm thinking boat. Maybe Zeppelin. If it's not Boeing, I'm not going. I like that. I don't mind a little buzz marketing.

I don't mind a little buzz marketing if it rhymes. You're a Boeing engineer. You know how these planes work. I do. Would you say that your propensity to travel has declined in recent years? Did you used to travel more and now you don't? Or were you always displeased by the prospect of traveling to see your daughter?

I used to travel. I traveled a lot for Boeing early on in my Boeing career and learned then that I did not like traveling. Did you ever fly first class? Only accidentally, by luck. And it was pretty nice, right? Oh, it is nice, yes. If you flew first class, and let's say your daughter enrolled you in the Global Entry Program your daughter enrolled you in the global entry program such that you could breeze through security and customs,

uh, relatively compared to the current, uh, the current wait time. Do you think that that would affect your decision? Uh, it might impact it. Some,

you know, I'm, I'm, you have to understand I'm, I'm six foot four. I weigh about 270 pounds. There's nothing in the world that I fit. When I get into an airplane, the aisles are too narrow, I've got to duck my head.

Actually, in the newer planes, I don't have to do that. Oh, okay. And even so, when I sit in the seat, my chrome-plated titanium knees are crammed against the seat in front of me for the whole flight. Yeah, but that wouldn't be true if you were to fly first class. Well, you're right about that. All right, so problem solved. Stan, just fly your dad and mom first class to Norway and enroll them in global entry. Why not do that?

You're asking your dad to go through quite a long trip, and presumably you love them, and though he's clearly a large fella and a cyborg, now that he has new knees and he's been augmented by technology. Even so, he is an honored elder and deserves some extra comfort at this time in his life. So why don't you just fly him first class? I absolutely would do that if I had the money to do that. Aha. So who would be...

So were you not offering to fly him even coach? Unfortunately, no. No. Oh, okay. Oh, I see. So you were asking them to come visit you on their dime. I was. And how many dimes does it take to fly let's say how many dimes did it take for you to fly to norway well i flew at high you don't actually have to answer in the denomination of dimes you can just give me a ballpark figure for what it costs to fly to Norway. Let's say economy.

Sorry. I saw some tickets in September for around 700 or 800 round trip. But I actually paid far more than that for a one way because I went during high season. So I paid about 800 one way. When's high season in Norway? It's the summertime. Oh, so that's high season in Norway? It's the summertime. Oh, so that's one week in August? Yes.

That's exactly right. And it's a bit rainy. Without resorting to Celsius, if you can, can you give me an estimate of what the Fahrenheit temperature is in Norway right now, as we record this on the second day of September, mid-heat wave in New York City? It's about 60 degrees right now. It's nighttime, so it might even be 55. What time is it post-meridian there? It's 11.33 p.m. What time did the sun set?

At the moment, it sets around 840. Right. This is the normal time. Yeah. When it gets a little bit later, it's going to start setting at about 2 o'clock in the afternoon, right? Yeah, just about. Is Bergen northerly

or southerly of Oslo? It's pretty similar. It's maybe slightly northerly, but very, very similar. Okay. So aside from the pleasure of Norway's temperature and wintertime, early nightfall, and the comparative latitudes of Oslo and Bergen, what other things can you say about Norway that might tempt an unwilling traveler from the comforts of Whidbey Island? What are the beauties of Norway that you've experienced so far?

So in Bergen, there's a beautiful landscape. It's very mountainous. And there's sort of glorious, magical, green and rocky mountains. And they're accessible from the city itself. Oh, that's good because there are no mountains in Washington State. If only there were verdant mountains in the Pacific Northwest. These ones are much smaller. I hear they have great smoked salmon and a vibrant music scene as well in Norway. This is true. No, keep going, keep going.

I'm just being silly. Go on. I feel like more and more people are moving from Norway to Portland, though. Yeah, well, that's the next big thing. Okay, Stan, I've been being facetious. You go ahead. You sell your dad on Norway, and I want you to talk directly to him and say,

Dad, if you come to Norway, you are not going to regret it, because not only are you going to see me, you're also going to enjoy fill in the blanks while I price a flight from Seattle to Norway. Okay. So, um, dad, if you come to Norway, you're not only going to get to see me, but you're going to have, um, uh, other opportunities. I know you like history. You're going to have lots of opportunities to learn about history here as, as well as, um, other places that you've been in the past. I think you'll really enjoy the food. It's very much kind of a meat and potatoes culture.

There's meatballs and sausages, and there's milk chocolate bars that rival German and Swiss milk chocolates. They have Taco Fridays here. That's traditional for some reason which is amazing this is like the number 7 thing you're pitching is the tacos

they pitched it to us when we went for our meeting about Norwegian culture and you taught me about the tacos of Norway what makes the tacos of Norway so much better about the tacos of norway yeah what what makes the tacos of norway so much better than the tacos of sweden i don't know meatballs they also they love coffee and i know you love coffee

um so certainly you'll you'll be swimming in coffee here. This is a land that appreciates and propagates the myth of trolls, which I think that you appreciate. Finally, we are on to something that you could not arguably say about almost any other city

on Earth. Well, actually in, there's a... I believe in trolls. In Seattle, there's a troll under the bridge. Oh, sorry. Seattle has trolls, too. True, yes. Why do you think your dad would be moved by claims of trollism?

moved by claims of trollism? Just due to his history of a sort of a love of, you know, fantasy novels. You know, he kind of raised me on science fiction and fantasy novels. And I think that he could get behind a culture that is interested in keeping that magic alive. What is your favorite fantasy novel, sir? David, Sir David of Whidbey Island. I have very, I read a lot of science fiction and I have favorite authors like Asimov and Farmer. I don't know if I have a favorite novel in particular, but yeah, I read a lot of that stuff.

I do enjoy reading history, and I do enjoy the mythology, the Scandinavian mythology. What about Vikings? Do they have Vikings? they have vikings oh yeah yeah there's vikings um you might have to travel a little bit more outside of bergen to to get more viking related um lands you know actual viking related uh you know cities and and landscapes but bergen i believe they have a maritime museum that does have a viking ship so at the very least a Viking ship. And then also there's a stave church here that it's in the style, or apparently stave churches are part of the dragon style architecture. My dad's very into dragons. And this style of architecture is kind of based off of Viking art as well as Viking ships. And it has things like dragon heads and the motifs.

So I think he'd really enjoy seeing the Stave Church, which had a bit of a sort of a rocky history that I found interesting. I don't know if he would find it interesting. David, are you really into dragons? Yes, I was born in the year of the dragon, Chinese calendar. And the dragon in China, of course, is sort of an eccentric and lucky charm, I guess. They think dragons are lucky. So I kind of adopted that as my motif and i collect but you you know you have you collect

dragons like like like pictures of them and stuff little statuettes little statues and um i believe my daughters have given me uh tiny little porcelain dragons and plastic dragons on birthdays and on father's day but but you have it sounds to me as though you have no particular innate drive to visit the home of Norwegian mythology, of Norse mythology, I should say, to visit the country of Ragnarok and Thor and Odin and the Vikings. Do you have any inner drive to do that, or is it just sort of whatever for you? And don't forget Loki.

Yes, no, everybody is kind of not understanding my problem. I have no problem when I'm in a country enjoying the country um you know I went to Italy and I enjoyed Italy I went to you know I toured Europe um once and I enjoyed several cities uh we went to Germany and and uh Belgium and England and you know I mean France So I have no problem once I get there. It's the travel itself. It seems like you went to every place but Norway. Yeah, I avoided it. Why is it important to you, or let me put it this way,

how does it make you feel when your dad refuses to visit his daughter simply because he doesn't want to be uncomfortable for a series of hours? Well, so, you know, the way I think about this is I know that my dad loves me. And if I didn't already know that, I would probably feel extremely hurt that he says that he doesn't want to come. But, you know, I know that he does love me. That being said, it would feel very validating if you wanted to come see me. And I would definitely feel sort of... Why do you choose the word validating? That's a good question. I know. You know what? You guys have both complimented me on my questions and

you were right both times why do you choose the word validating uh because it would feel like it reinforced our connection it would feel like it you know he was expressing his love for me by being willing to be uncomfortable i see see. For, you know, a small percentage of time. Sorry. Has he, no, no, no. It's fine. I apologize for cutting you off. It was just that you were talking for too long.

Of course. Is there not a symbol for that, Kate, that you taught me? We can't show it because we're not on video. What is the symbol that Kate slash Stan taught you, sir? I cannot pronounce the word. It's a German word, and it's kind of like hook'em horns. So, Stan, when you flash your dad, hook them horns. Schweige Fox is what he's referring to.

What is the German? Dragon Fox? Uh, no. Schweige Fox. Schweige Fox? That's correct. What does that mean? What does it mean?

Schweige is, uh, according to my, my friend, Anya my friend anya who's um a german it's a polite way of saying shut up um but yeah schweiger fox uh she introduced that to me and she kind of got it from reality tv in germany okay schweiger fox got it got it schweiger fox thank you i appreciate i appreciate and there's a and there's a gesture that goes along with it that kind of looks like the hook of horns. From the University of Texas. I don't know what that looks like, but it looks like a fox. And you're making the mouth with your ring finger and your middle finger and your thumb and the pointer and the pinky are the horns or the ears. Or the fox ears.

Schweige, fox. Be quiet, fox. Because foxes are known for talking too much. Right. I understand. Well, that I'm very, very glad to have that gesture and term in my life and in my courtroom. So Schweiger Fox, but let's get back to validation.

David, do you consider what your daughter is doing with her life? Valid? Oh, yes. Okay. Stand. Do you,

do you feel that your father has withheld validation in the past? Hmm. Um, let me put it, let me put it to you this way. You're 35 years old and you're going to graduate school in Bergen and you're not even sure that this is what you're going to do with your life. Do you feel some insecurity about whether people take you seriously?

Certainly. Yes. All right. I appreciate, uh, your, uh, honesty and your candor and you're keeping it schweiger foxy short

you're well done what does your sister what does your sister do my sister yeah you have a sister i do i understand from your dad yeah well she's currently raising her child uh and is she older or younger she She's older and she was a computer programmer and has done sort of a variety of other things as well. Okay. Is she also a seeker or is she someone who settled down, found a career and stuck to it? She, I think she found a career.

I like seekers, by the way you understand that i like seekers i'm not i'm not ganging up on you thank you i think she she would you say that your sister and and you are sort of similar in this way or is she different she's different yeah how is she different she's definitely she's more um uh well more driven to have sort of a career in security in a way that I wasn't. And she went into her career right out of college and then sort of started her family a little bit later. Do you have a family? Do you have a partner? Children? No, no. No, okay. a family? Do you have a partner? Children? No. No.

David, your daughter's all by herself over there in Bergen. She wants to see her mom and dad. Are you really going to withhold validation because your knees hurt? Oh, my knees don't hurt. They're artificial. Everything else hurts.

Oh, okay. So you're saying that when the, your concern is that when the jerk in front of you reclines his seat and hits your knees, that you're going to smash apart that plane with your bionic knees, not that you're going to hurt your knees. Well, I might ship the chrome plating, but I don't know. There's all kinds of, you know, stress associated with queues. And as you suggested, it would be nice if I could breeze through the security. But what happens when I get to security is after waiting in line for a long time, you know, you take off your shoes and your belt and, you know, you basically undress. basically undress. And I have to go through a pat-down

every time now because I have these artificial knees. You have those robot knees, yeah. Exactly. And then, you know, you're sort of worried about your wallet and your clothes and everything else coming off the line. It's kind of

a stressful time for me. And it's not worth the hassle of your robot knees being touched by a man in order to see your daughter. Well, I can see her on Skype and I can, you know, everything she says is true. I just have a hard time going through all the pre-flight. I enjoy flying itself, you know, except for the knees and, you know, the cramped seat and the cramped aisles and the cramped space overhead. What part of flying is it that you do enjoy? Well, I enjoy the concept.

Let's say this. I enjoy the concept of flying. The discomfort of moderated air pressure? The popping in your ears? What is the part you love? Getting to watch Guardians of the Galaxy again on a five-inch screen? What? Well, I used to fly.

I had a private license, and I did enjoy that. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's different. Could you fly over there on your own? Can you charter a plane? No, I guess that's... If you could charter a plane, you'd fly first class. If you could fly first class, it would be fine.

Hmm, all right. There's such a thing as economy plus. I'm six foot three and have a real hard time in regular coach these days. It was a little better 10 years ago, but now there are fewer airlines that I can comfortably sit in regular coach in. Right. Well, you can't pay your extra hundred bucks and get a reasonable amount of, a reasonable amount of a reasonable amount of space yeah they're mushing up all those seats in economy so that they can make room for economy plus yeah well

i'm looking at flights using a popular internet travel service here and the the flight departing Seattle via Reykjavik to Bergen round-trip economy, about $1,000 per human. Premium economy, about $2,200. Business, $5,600. And first class, $12,000. And that's if you're leaving Friday. That is to say, the day after tomorrow.

Why didn't you pick an easier country to get to? Like America. Yeah, like America. That's a pretty easy one to get to I don't have an answer for that I didn't intend to pick Norway in particular

It was the combination of the program And then wanting to be abroad You know, in a grey house universe There would be teleportation And I'd have no problem teleporting to Norway. What is a gray house universe, sir? That was in reference to one of your iPods that I listened to. Yeah, it's the one where the, I remember it was the. Yeah, no, I remember the episode. It was the one where the three generations of women in a family disagreed over whether or not there was a gray house on the property where two of them grew up.

Or next to the property where two of them grew up. And ultimately, it was established that it was a quantum gray house. that it was a quantum Grey House. It both existed and didn't exist at the same time until it was a Schrodinger's cat kind of Grey House. Exactly. We had to say that it was both there and not there at the same time. This was episode 58, Russia, Mom.

Right. But how does the Grey House universe, by the way, I'm even more excited about Grey House universe than I was about Schweizer, what was it? Not Scheissefaxe, that means something else. Schweigefaxe. Okay, Schweigefaxe. How does a Greyhouse universe translate to I can teleport to Norway? Question mark. And that's a t-shirt, by the way. Well, in that universe, there would be teleportation. So I would have no problem with visiting my daughter in Norway. Okay. So to you, gray house universe means an alternate universe where what you want to exist does exist.

Yes. I see. All you want to exist does exist. Yes. I see. All right. Or it could exist. It could exist and not exist at the same time. In true quantum fashion. Thank you. Thank you very much for both clarifying and mystifying that at the same time. In true quantum fashion.

I think I've heard everything I need to make my decision. I'm going to go into my chambers or maybe I won't. And while the door is closed, I will be alive and dead at the same time until I render my decision. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Stan, how are you feeling about the situation? Well, I don't feel particularly confident, and, you know, primarily because of precedence, as well as because of, you know,

the cost involved in coming and visiting in Norway, and certainly understand that my dad has some legitimate concerns. David, is your wife involved in this decision at all? Oh, yes. What does she think? She wants to go to Norway. Hmm. Is this a matter

of contention between the two of you? No. If she wants to go that bad, I will probably go, but I will be complaining all the way. Okay. If she wants to go that bad, I will probably go, but I will be complaining all the way. Couldn't you complain into a little tape recorder and then listen back to it later? Oh, that would be great.

I wouldn't even have to talk anymore. I could just play it in her ear. David, do you think that you're going to win this litigation? Based on, I can't say body language because I can't see the judge, but based on what I've heard and his tones, I think I'm going to lose. Wow. What do you, what do you think Kate? Oh, I think he can turn it around at the last minute and surprise you. Well,

we'll see what judge John Hodgman has to say about the matter. When we come back in a moment. Hello. I'm your judge. John Hodgman. The judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members. of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org.

And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh, boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep. That's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound.

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Visit MadeInCookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N Cookware.com. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. David, you are a very funny, very smart, very lively person. I dare say you have the heart of a 14-year-old. You're collecting dragons and reading science fiction novels and pointing weird terms like Greyhouse Universe. And yet, if I were to hear my own dad talk about how he wasn't going to visit me, because he just doesn't feel like going through the hassle of waiting in a line because he's getting too old,

I would be so sad. I would be so sad. This is the only time that you are talking like an old person there. Is your decision totally made, or can I make another statement? No, my decision is totally made, but you may make another statement. Well, as I have mentioned to my daughter many times, I'm anemic. And, um, my And my heart does premature... Jaws drop in the courtroom as this late evidence is entered. Could I contest that?

My heart... Wait a minute, I'm not finished. Sorry. My heart has premature beats on occasion, and especially when I'm stressed out. beats on occasion, and especially when I'm stressed out. Is it a situation where stress might cause you to have an adverse health event? Probably not. Okay.

Well, thank you for wasting our time with that non-issue and schweigefaxe to you, sir. Let's move on. No, I appreciate that there are physical discomforts to flight for someone who is your age and your size. And I appreciate that there are also psychological discomforts to standing in line that affect persons of any age, particularly if they are above six feet.

It is a pain in the neck to fly, whether you are 73 years old or 14 years old. If you're a 14-year-old who is six foot four, then I have a whole other book of pity that I have for you. But that said, you are not 14, you are 73, and your daughter is 35, and I don't wish to be grim. But, you know, it's not as though you have all the time in the world to take a trip to see your daughter in a place where she lives. And to suggest that because you don't feel like traveling anymore, if my dad said that to me, and my dad is younger than you but but not by a huge amount if my dad were to say to me i would love to come see you in this place where you've made a new life but i just don't feel like going through the hassle of opening up those peanuts

it would be hurtful to me it would be hurtful and i think you should consider that as you continue your griping. You know, sir, that you have choices in life, right? It is not your choice to be your age and to suffer the exhaustion and the discomfort that comes with age. That's just the terrible fate that awaits us all, and I appreciate that. And it's not your choice to be a man of the stature that you are and therefore to have discomfort in air travel. But it is your choice to deal with the stress of waiting in line in different ways. There are techniques that you can use to reduce that stress. And it is your choice to decide whether or not you're going to complain to your wife about it all the way, as you are basically promising to do if I force you to fly to Bergen.

And it is your choice to express yourself differently when talking to your daughter about why you're not going to fly. You have a choice. These are choices that you can make. You can deal with this in a way that is not going to be, you know, your daughter is obviously aware that you love her. We all are aware that you love her. But even so, she pointed out, it's like, if i didn't know how much he loved me i would be hurt

bear that in mind that said stand yes sir you you are a seeker and i adore seekers and you And you have taken your time in life as you have decided what it is that you are truly passionate about. And I think that that is a very wise thing to do. I trust that your commitment to health promotion is not merely noble, which it is on its face, but also serious in your heart. And that getting this degree is not just a trick for you to get to extend your adolescence by traveling abroad for a little while longer, right? Correct.

Right, because adolescence is done for you. You, like your dad, are not getting any younger. It is time to be an adult, and I think that this is part of the process of being an adult. Because whether you want to be an adult or not, adulthood is taking hold of your body even as you speak, and it won't be long

before even you are complaining about waiting in line and getting your titanium knees patted down by strangers. This discomfort awaits us all. And I am glad that you have found a path forward in your life that includes what I can only imagine is a wonderful and interesting foreign city in a country that I would love to visit. Although, to be perfectly fair, Stan, you didn't make a really strong case for why Norway? Why, David?

Why now? You mainly talked about some tacos. True. Yes. You mainly made an argument for going to any major city in the world because they all have their own little charms. And not a compelling emotional argument for why Norway specifically, or why you in Norway now. And I think that the reason for that, I have to say, Stan, is that there isn't a reason to give.

You have been there for three and a half weeks. You are new in town. This is part of a quest that you are on that is only just beginning. And if I were your 73 year old dad and you had called me up and said, I want you in Norway stat, I would say, how about we wait a year and make sure you're still there. And then maybe I'll come and visit you then. Cause you are still there. And then maybe I'll come and visit you then. Because you are just starting. You don't even know the town well enough to spin a yarn that will tempt your dad there. I have no doubt that this is a great decision for you. And I also feel

that it is fine for a child to invite their parent to spend their parents' money to come and see them. And I hope you have some pretty good lodgings there. Maybe, you know, do you have a bed for them? Um, no. Okay. I'm in student housing. All right. You're in student housing. Where are they going to stay?

Where are they going to stay? Well, I found some Airbnbs that are more reasonable than the hotels, and they are pretty nicely outfitted and have kitchens laundry showers the usual sure okay well that's nice showers showers well you'd be so you'd be surprised how rare they are in parts of europe usually when my i just mentioned it because usually when my parents visit me i have them shower at the community center. I don't know how things are throughout Europe these days, but when I traveled as a youth in my own seeking days through the United Kingdom, France, Italy,

showers, that's not what you got. You got a bath. Boy, oh boy. You would have the in the student housing in england when i was on my drink abroad program and i was sleeping on charles diggs's floor at the university college of london they didn't have showers they had baths they had like rooms that just contained bathtubs a whole wall of them and the boy do i remember fondly sitting in that bath of an evening washing the vomit out of my

hair reading mfk fisher that was my youth when i was seeking that only happened once with the vomit but it was a bath time every morning for me and i loved it but it's nice i'm sure the airbnb there is nice and that's fine just to get back on target sorry i went on to a little reverie of my own travel abroad. What was that, Katie? Mm-hmm. What was that phrase you used, the German phrase? Schweiger Fox. That's it.

Oh, what was it again? Schweiger Fox? Schweiger Fox. Schweiger Fox, David. Get your own podcast. Okay. I'll do that. I can talk about taking a bath with vomit in my hair on my own podcast if I want. That's why I started it.

But I didn't invite my parents to come visit me when I was abroad because I wasn't going to be there for very long. And it wasn't a part of my life that I needed to have my family be a part of. I love my parents. I love visiting them. And, you know, if your mom wants to spend money to come and see you, boy, I'm not going to keep her apart. But you're asking your dad to spend $1,000 and 10 to 11 hours in the air

and go through something that is clearly uncomfortable for him to stay in an Airbnb in a part of the world that is just beginning for you. If you were saying that you had moved there and you were making a life in Bergen and you were going to become married to a partner there and your dad was saying, I don't want to go to this wedding. My knees hurt. I would be so mad at your dad. And I'm already a little mad at your dad.

He should come see you. Of course he should. He's your dad. But can I honestly compel him to come visit you in a town that you've lived in for three and a half weeks? I don't think that I can. If only that you wouldn't even know how to show him around yet. You don't even know that place. Find what you're looking for in Bergen.

And when you have found it, and when you are ready to share it with your parents and with your family, when you're ready to share that life with them, then you can make that ask. And even then, I don't know if I could compel your dad to come, but I certainly would hope that he would say yes. But right now I have to tell you, you know, I wouldn't go visit you if I were your dad. Sorry. I'd wait. I'd wait a year.

I'd wait until you had established a life there that I could come and visit. Because truthfully, I can get coffee and tacos in any city in the world. I think that, Stan, the only reason that, as you can tell, this is not going to go in your favor, is that you jumped the gun. If you had told me that you had been living in Bergen for a year or two years and the program itself is two years and it was going to be your graduation from the program and you wanted your mom and dad to come be with you at a special event in a place

that you've made your home for a long period of time I would have compelled your dad in a second damn his titanium knees but it's still too soon chrome plated right whatever it is sir it's still too soon. Right. Whatever it is, sir. It's still too soon. Sorry.

I misrepresented your knees again. Still too soon. I understand. You're a seeker. Find what you're looking for. Make your life as an adult. And then when the time comes and you make a serious request of your family, then I will compel your dad. But if I'm

still doing this podcast at that time, you can call back and make your case again. You can appeal my decision. But for now, I find in favor of your dad. This is the sound of two chrome-plated knees banging together in an imitation of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Stan, how are you feeling? Well, I feel that that's a very well-reasoned decision. And certainly, when it comes to graduation or any impending marriages, I will then address my request to my parents to come and visit. David, how do you feel? I feel fine. I think that the judge didn't consider that my daughter did not really specify

that she wanted me to come immediately. So you're going to go immediately. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Come on. Sir. If you, if you go to,

if you go to Norway anytime within the next 24 months, I will hold you in contempt of court, but you'll be a great dad. David, Stan, thank you for joining us on the Judge Tom Hodgkin Podcast. Thank you. Thank you, guys.

Take care. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday

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No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. We are so close close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximumfun.org if you need a laugh and you're on the go our thanks this week to eric brewster for the title of this week's program you of course can suggest a name for a future program just like the Judge John Hodgman podcast on Facebook and follow

Judge Hodgman and me. I'm at Jesse Thorne and Judge Hodgman is at Hodgman. Judge Hodgman, are you still on the road? Schweigerfox, I am. Sorry, gee whiz. I thought I was segueing into you telling us where you're going to be, where people

can see you. But I guess I'll schweigefox. You are seguefoxing. Yes, I will be in, well, your city of Los Angeles, Jesse Thorne, on the 11th of September at the Great Largo at the Coronet. And then in Austin, Texas, on the 12th at the Paramount Theater. Both dates with our good friend David Reese of the television show Going Deep with David Reese. So please come on out if tickets are still available. I would love to see you. And if they're not still available,

I'd still love to see you. I'll be hanging out in the lobby afterward. In October, also look for me in Philadelphia, Madison, Milwaukee. Two shows at the Up Stand-Up Comedy Theater in Second City Complex in Chicago, a free show in Akron, Ohio, and a return to the Rex in Pittsburgh right thereafter. All the details, of course, are on johnhodgman.com slash tour. I actually have a couple of live dates. I will also be in Los Angeles at Largo a few days after you interviewing the great Nick Offerman on September 14th.

But more importantly, on October 15th, we're doing our first Bullseye live show at the Masonic Lodge at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery here in Los Angeles. I didn't know those two things existed in tandem. Oh, and it's a real spectacular operation. But it's a little on the small side. So buy your tickets now. All of the links for that show and all of John Hodgman's shows you can find online at MaximumFun.org in the live shows listing on the right-hand side of the page. October 15th is when I'll be in L.A. We haven't announced the guests yet,

but buy your tickets now. We'll have interviews and live performances, probably a band, probably a stand-up comic. It's going to be quite the extravaganza. In a Grey House universe, Jesse, I would be there. Oh, thank you, Judge Hodgman. Do they have a Masonic Lodge inside the cemetery? Oh, and it's beautiful, too. They have the thrones are there and special chandeliers. It's amazing. Look, I'm

known for making promises, and they're never empty, although it takes me some time to fulfill them. Witness the great Massachusetts Judge Sean Hodgman listener meetup we had at the rendezvous in Turner's Falls, which took about two years to come together. But I make this promise right now, you, Jesse, and me, in the future, we will do a live Judge Sean Hodgman from that Masonic Lodge in that cemetery. I promise it. Sometime in the future. Are you with me, Jesse?

Absolutely. In the meantime, people should buy tickets to my show, though. Yeah, October 15th for Jesse's show, the 11th and 12th of September for my shows in L.A. and Austin with David Reese, and everything else is available on websites. Hey, how great is David Reese's TV show, right? It's the only TV show that I want to watch all the time. I love it. I cannot get enough of going deep with David Reese. I love it. I cannot get enough of going deep with David Reese.

I since it like I above and beyond David Reese and I aren't really friends. We're acquaintances. We're acquainted. I like David Reese. He's not my pal or anything. I like to be pals with him because I love his TV show so much. Yeah, I think you would consider you a pal. Yeah. Yeah. And it's all available on Hulu and Amazon and probably iTunes as well. It is a winner. Go right out and watch it because it's really great. And write to National Geographic or at Nat Geo Channel, I think is their Twitter. And they probably have a web, an email address somewhere and tell them you like it and you want them to renew it for another season. Yeah. Our producer on the program, Julia Smith, Mark McConville, edits the program.

Our thanks to Colin Anderson for some editorial assistance on this week's program. Join us on the Facebook group, on the forums at forum.maximumfun.org. And, hey, we have had a lot of fun lately on the Maximum Fun Reddit, which is reddit.com slash r slash MaximumFun.org. And, hey, we have had a lot of fun lately on the Maximum Fun Reddit, which is Reddit.com slash r slash Maximum Fun. It is a great place to talk about all things Maximum Fun. And there's been very lively discussion of cases and all kinds of stuff. So head over there if you are a Redditor and do some upvoting and commenting and all that kind of stuff. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Court is adjourned. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.